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WHEN I was (quoth Carpalin) a Whoremaster at Orleans, the whole Art of Rhetorick in all its Tropes and Figures, was not able to afford unto me a Colour or Flourish of greater force and
value; nor could I by any other form or manner of Elocution pitch upon a more perswasive Argument for bringing young beautiful married Ladies into the Snares of Adultery, through alluring and inticing them to tast with me of Amorous Delights, then with a lively Sprightfulness to tell them in down-right terms, and to re∣monstrate to them, (with a great shew of Detestation of a Crime so horrid) how their Husbands were jealous. This was none of my Invention: It is written, and we have Laws, Examples, Reasons and daily Experiences confirmative of the same. If this Belief once enter into their Noddles, their Husbands will infallibly be Cuckolds; yea, by God, will they, (without swearing) although they should do like Semiramis, Pasiphae, Egesta, the Women of the Isle Mandez in Egypt, and other such like Queanish flurting Harlots, mentioned in the Writings of Herodotus, Strabo, and such like Puppies.
Truly (quoth Panocrates) I have heard it related, and it hath been told me for a Verity, that Pope Ihon 22. passing on a day through the Abby of Toucherome, was in all Humility required and besought by the Abbess, and other discreet Mothers of the said Convent, to grant them an In∣dulgence, by means whereof they might
confess themselves to one another, alledg∣ing, That Religious Women were subject •••• some petty secret Slips and Imperfecti∣ons, which would be a foul and burning shame for them to discover and to reveal to Men, how Sacerdotal soever their Fun∣ction were: but that they would freelier, more familiarly, and with greater chear∣fulness, open to each other their Offences, Faults, and Escapes, under the Seal of Confession. There is not any thing (an∣swered the Pope) fitting for you to impe∣trate of me, which I would not most willingly condescend unto: but I find one inconvenience; you know, Confession should be kept secret: and Women are not able to do so. Exceeding well (quoth they) most Holy Father, and much more closely then the best of Men.
The said Pope on the very same day, gave them in keeping a pretty Box, where∣in he purposely caused a little Linnet to be put, willing them very gently and cour∣teously to lock it up in some sure and hid∣den place; and promising them, by the Faith of a Pope, that he should yield to their Request, if they would keep secret what was enclosed within that deposited Box: enjoyning them withal, not to pre∣sume one way nor other, directly or indi∣rectly, to go about the opening thereof,
under pain of the highest Ecclesiastical Censure, Eternal Excommunication. The Prohibition was no sooner made, but that they did all of them boyl with a most ar∣dent desire to know, and see what kind of thing it was that was within it: they thought long already, that the Pope was not gone, to the end they might joyntly, with the more leisure and ease apply themselves to the Box-opening Curio∣sity.
The Holy Father, after he had given them his Benediction, retired and with∣drew himself to the Pontifical Lodgings of his own Palace; but he was hardly gone three Steps from without the Gates of their Cloyster, when the good Ladies throngingly, and as in a hudled Crowd, pressing hard on the Backs of one another, ran thrusting and shoving who should be first at the setting open of the forbidden Box, and descrying of the Quod latitat within.
On the very next day thereafter, the Pope made them another Visit, of a full design, purpose, and intention (as they imagined) to dispatch the Grant of their sought and wished-for Indulgence: but before he would enter into any Chat or Communing with them, he commanded the Casket to be brought unto him: it
was done so accordingly; but by your leave, the Bird was no more there▪ Then was it, that the Pope did represent to their Maternities, how hard a matter and diffi∣cult it was for them to keep Secrets reveal∣ed to them in Confession, unmanifested to the Ears of others; seeing for the space of Four and twenty hours they were not able to lay up in secret a Box, which he had highly recommended to their Discretion, Charge and Custody.
Welcome, in good Faith, my dear Ma∣ster, welcome: It did me good to hear you talk, the Lord be praised for all. I do not remember to have seen you before now, since the last time that you acted at Monpelliers, with our ancient Friends, Anthony Saporra, Guy Bourguyer, Balthasar Noyer, Tolly, Ihon Quentin, Francis Robinet, I••on Perdrier, and Francis Rabelais, the Moral Comedy of him who had espoused and married a Dumb Wife. I was there, quoth Epistemon, the good honest Man, her Husband, was very earnestly urgent to have the Fillet of her Tongue untied, and would needs have her speak by any means: at his desire, some pains were ta∣ken on her, and partly by the industry of the Physitian, other part by the expert∣ness of the Surgeon, the Encyliglotte, which she had under her Tongue, being cut, she
spoke and spoke again; yea, within few hours she spoke so loud, so much, so fiercely, and so long, that her poor Hus∣band returned to the same Physitian for a Recipe to make her hold her Peace: There are (quoth the Physician) many pro∣per Remedies in our Art, to make dumb Women speak, but there are none, that ever I could learn therein, to make them silent. The only Cure which I have found out, is their Husband's Deafness. The Wretch became within few Weeks there∣after, by Vertue of some Drugs, Charms or Enchantments, which the Physician had prescribed unto him, so deaf, that he could not have heard the Thundring of Nine∣teen hundred Canons at a Salve. His Wife perceiving, that indeed he was as deaf as a Door-nail, and that her Scold∣ing was but in vain, sith that he heard her not, she grew stark mad.
Some time after, the Doctor asked for his Fee of the Husband; who answered, That truly he was deaf, and so was not able to understand what the tenure of his Demand might be. Whereupon the Leech bedusted him with a little, I know not what, sort of Powder; which rendred him a Fool immediately: so great was the stultificating Vertue of that strange kind of pulverized Dose. Then did this
Fool of a Husband, and his mad Wife joyn together, falling on the Doctor and the Surgeon, did so scratch, bethwack, and bang them, that they were left half dead upon the place, so furious were the Blows which they received: I never in my Life-time laughed so much, as at the acting of that Buffoonry.
Let us come to where we left off, quoth Panurge) your Words being translated from the Clapper-dudgions to plain Eng∣lish, do signifie, that it is not very inex∣pedient that I marry, and that I should not care for being a Cuckold. You have there hit the Nail on the Head. I believe, Master Doctor, that on the Day of my Marriage you will be so much taken up with your Patients, or otherways so seri∣ously employed, that we shall not enjoy your Company: Sir, I will heartily ex∣cuse your absence.
You are mistaken (quoth Rondibilis) in the Second Verse of our Distich; for it ought to run thus:
Nobis sunt signa vobis sunt prandia digna.
If my Wife at any time prove to be un∣well, and ill at ease, I will look upon the Water which she shall have made in an Urinal-glass, (quoth Rondibilis) grope her Pulse, and see the disposition of her Hypogaster, together with her Umbilicary Parts. According to the Prescript Rule of Hippocrates, 2. Aph. 35. before I proceed any further in the Cure of her Distem∣per. No, no, (quoth Panurge) that will be but to little purpose; such a Feat is for the Practice of us that are Lawyers, who have the Rubrick, De Ventre inspi••iendo: Do not therefore trouble your self about it, (▪Master Doctor) I will provide for her a Plaister of warm Guts. Do not neglect your more urgent occasions other-where, for coming to my Wedding, I will send you some supply of Victuals to your own House, without putting you to the trou∣ble of coming abroad, and you shall al∣ways be my special Friend. With this approaching somewhat nearer to him, he clapp'd into his Hand, without the speak∣ing of so much as one word, four Rose Nobles. Rondibilis did shut his Fist upon them right kindly; yet as if it had displea∣sed him to make acceptance of suc•• Gold∣en Presents; he in a start, as if he had been wroth, said, He, he, he, he, he, there was no need of any thing, I thank you
nevertheless; From wicked Folks, I never get enough; and I from honest People refuse nothing. I shall be always, Sir, at your Command. Provided that I pay you well, quoth Panurge. That (quoth Rondi∣bilis) is understood.