The third book of the works of Mr. Francis Rabelais, Doctor in Physick containing the heroick deeds of Pantagruel the son of Gargantua / now faithfully translated into English by the unimitable pen of Sir Thomas Urwhart.

CHAP. XXXII. How Rondibilis declareth Cuckoldry to be naturally one of the Appendances of Marriage. (Book 32)

THere remaineth as yet, quoth Panurge going on in his Discourse, one small scruple to be cleared: you have seen here∣tofore, I doubt not, in the Roman Stand∣ards, S. P. Q. R. Si, Peu, Que, Rien: Shall not I be a Cuckold? By the Haven of Safety, cried out Rondibilis, what is this you ask of me? If you shall be a Cuckold: My Noble Friend, I am married, and you are like to be so very speedily: therefore be pleased from my Experiment in the matter, to write in your Brain, with a Steel-pen, this subsequent Ditton, There is no married Man who doth not run the hazard of being made a Cuckold. Cuckoldry natu∣rally attendeth Marriage; the Shadow doth not more naturally follow the Body, then Cuckoldry ensueth after Marriage, to place fair Horns upon the Husband's Heads.

And when you shall happen to hear any Man pronounce these three Words: He is Married: if you then say he is, hath been, shall be, or may be a Cuckold, you will not be accounted an unskilful Artist in framing of true Consequences. Tripes and Bowels of all the Devils, cries Panurge, what do you tell me? My dear Friend, (answered Rondibilis) as Hippo∣crates, on a time, was in the very nick of set∣ting forwards from Lango to Polystilo, to Visit the Philosopher Democritus, he wrote a familiar Letter to his Friend Dionoys, wherein he desired him, That he would during the interval of his absence, carry his Wife to the House of her Father and Mother, who were an honourable Couple, and of good Repute; because I would not have her at my Home, (said he) to make abode in Solitude: yet notwith∣standing this her Residence beside her Pa∣rents, do not fail (quoth he) with a most heedful care and circumspection to pry into her ways, and to espy what places she shall go to with her Mother, and who those be that shall repair unto her: Not (quoth he) that I do mistrust her Vertue, or that I seem to have any diffidence of her Pudicity, and chaste Behaviour; for of that I have frequently had good and real proofs: but I must freely tell you,

She is a Woman: there lies the suspition.

My worthy Friend, the Nature of Wo∣men is set forth before our Eyes, and repre∣sented to us by the Moon, in divers other things, as well as in this, that they squat, sculck, constrain their own Inclinations, and with all the Cunning they can, dis∣semble and play the Hypocrite in the sight and presence of their Husbands; who come no sooner to be out of the way, but that forthwith they take their advantage, pass the time merrily, desist from all labour, frolick it, gad abroad; lay aside their counterfeit Garb, and open∣ly declare and manifest the interiour of their Dispositions; even as the Moon, when she is in Conjunction with the Sun, is neither seen in the Heavens, nor on the Earth, but in her Opposition, when remotest from him, shineth in her greatest fulness, and wholly appeareth in her brightest splendour whilst it is Night: Thus Women are but Women.

When I say Womankind, I speak of a Sex so frail, so variable, so changeable, so fickle, inconstant, and imperfect, that in my Opinion, Nature (under favour ne∣vertheless of the prime Honour and Reve∣rence which is due unto her) did in a manner mistake the Road which she had traced formerly, and stray exceedingly

from that Excellence of Providential Judg∣ment, by the which she had created and formed all other things, when she built, framed, and made up the Woman. And having thought upon it a Hundred and five times, I know not what else to deter∣mine therein, save only that in the devi∣sing, hammering, forging, and compo∣sing of the Woman, she hath had a much tenderer regard, and by a great deal more respectful heed to the delightful Consort∣ship, and sociable Delectation of the Man, than to the Perfection and Accomplishment of the individual Womanishness, or Muliebrity. The Divine Philosopher Plato, was doubtful in what Rank of living Creatures to place and collocate them, whither amongst the Rational Animals, by elevating them to an upper Seat in the Specifical Classis of Hu∣manity; or with the Irrational, by degra∣ding them to a lower Bench on the oppo∣site side, of a Brutal kind, and meer Bestia∣lity: for Nature hath posited in a privy, secret, and intestine place of their Bodies, a sort of Member (by some not imperti∣nently termed an Animal) which is not to be found in Men. Therein sometimes are engendred certain Humors so saltish, brackish, clammy, sharp, nipping, tear∣ing, prickling, and most eagerly tickling, that by their stinging Acrimony, rending

Nitrosity, figging Itch, wrigling Mordi∣cancy, and smarting Salsitude, (for the said Member is altogether sinewy, and of a most quick and lively feeling) their whole Body is shaken and ebrangled, their Senses totally ravished and transpor∣ted, the operations of their Judgment and Understanding utterly confounded, and all disordinate Passions and Perturbations of the Mind thoroughly and absolutely allowed, admitted, and approved of; yea, in such sort, that if Nature had not been so favourable unto them, as to have sprin∣kled their Forehead with a little Tincture of Bashfulness and Modesty, you should see them in a so frantick mood run mad after Lechery, and hye apace up and down with hast and Lust, in quest of, and to fix some Chamber-Standard in their Paphian Ground, that never did the Pretides, Mimallonides, nor Lyaean Thyads deport themselves in the time of their Bacchanalian Festivals, more shamelesly, or with a so affronted and brazen-faced Impudency; because this terrible Animal is knit unto, and hath an Union with all the chief and most principal parts of the Body, as to Anatomists is evident. Let it not here be thought strange that I should call it an Animal, seeing therein I do no otherwise than follow and adhere

to the Doctrine of the Academick and Pe∣ripatetick Philosophers. For if a proper Motion be a certain mark and infallible token of the Life and Animation of the Mover, (as Aristotle writeth) and that any such thing as moveth of its self ought to be held Animated, and of a Living Na∣ture; then assuredly Plato with very good reason did give it the Denomination of an Animal; for that he perceived and ob∣served in it the proper and self-stirring mo∣tions of Suffocation, Precipitation, Cor∣rugation, and of Indignation, so extream∣ly violent, that oftentimes by them is taken and removed from the Women all other sense and moving whatsoever, as if she were in a swounding Lipothymy, be∣numming Sincop, Epileptick, Apoplectick Palsey, and true resemblance of a pale∣faced Death.

Furthermore, in the said Member there is a manifest discerning Faculty of Scents and Odours very perceptible to Women, who feel it fly from what is rank and un∣savoury, and follow fragrant and Aroma∣tick Smells. It is not unknown to me how Cl. Gallen striveth with might and main, to prove that these are not proper and particular Notions proceeding in∣trinsically from the thing it self, but acci∣dentally, and by chance. Nor hath it

escaped my notice, how others of that Sect have laboured hardly, yea, to the ut∣most of their Abilities, to demonstrate that it is not a sensitive discerning or per∣ception in it of the difference of Wafts and Smells, but meerly a various manner of Vertue and Efficacy, passing forth and flowing from the diversity of odoriferous Substances applied near unto it. Neverthe∣less, if you will studiously examine, and se∣riously ponder and weigh in Critolaus's Ba∣lance the strength of their Reasons and Ar∣guments, you shall find that they, not only in this, but in several other matters also of the like nature, have spoken at random, and rather out of an ambitious Envy to check and reprehend their Betters, than for any design to make enquiry into the solid Truth.

I will not launch my little Skif any further into the wide Ocean of this Di∣spute, only will I tell you that the Praise and Commendation is not mean and slen∣der which is due to those honest and good Women, who living chastly and without blame, have had the power and vertue to curb, range and subdue that unbridled, heady and wild Animal to an obedient, submissive and obsequious yielding unto Reason. Therefore here will I make an end of my Discourse thereon, when I

shall have told you, that the said Animal being once satiated (if it be possible that it can be contented or satisfied) by that Aliment, which Nature hath provided for it out of the Epididymal Store-house of Man, all its former and irregular and disordered Motions are at an end, laid and asswaged; all its vehement and un∣ruly Longings lulled, pacified and quieted; and all the furious and raging Lusts, Ap∣petites and Desires thereof appeased, sup∣pressed, calmed and extinguished. For this cause let it seem nothing strange un∣to you, if we be in a perpetual Danger of being Cuckolds; that is to say, such of us as have not wherewithal fully to satisfie the Appetite and Expectation of that vo∣••acious Animal. Ods Fish! (quoth Pa∣nurge) have you no preventive Cure in all your Medicinal Art for hindring ones Head to be Horny-graffed at home, whilst his Feet are plodding abroad? Yes that I have▪ my gallant Friend, (answered Ron∣dibilis) and that which is a Sovereign Re∣medy, whereof I frequently make use my self; and that▪ you may the better relish, it is set down and written in the Book of a most famous Author, whose Renown is of a standing of two thousand Years. Hearken and take good heed. You are (quoth Panurge) by Cocks-Hobby, a right

honest Man, and I love you with all my heart; eat a little of this Quince-Pye, it is very proper and convenient for the shut∣ting up of the Orifice of the Ventricle of the Stomach, because of a kind of astrin∣gent Stypticity, which is in that sort of Fruit, and is helpful to the first Conco∣ction. But what? I think I speak Latin before Clerks. Stay, fill, I give you some∣what to drink out of this Nestorian Gob∣let. Will you have another Draught of white Hippocras? Be not afraid of the Squinzy, No: There is neither Squinant, Ginger nor Grains in it; only a little choice Cinnamon, and some of the best refined Sugar, with the delicious White∣wine of the Growth of that Vine, which was set in the Slips of the great Sorbaple, above the Wallnut-tree.