The third book of the works of Mr. Francis Rabelais, Doctor in Physick containing the heroick deeds of Pantagruel the son of Gargantua / now faithfully translated into English by the unimitable pen of Sir Thomas Urwhart.

CHAP. XXVIII. How Friar Ihon comforteth Panurge in the douhtful matter of Cuckoldry. (Book 28)

I Understand thee well enough, said Friar Ihon; but time makes all things plain. The most durable Marbre or Por∣phyr is subject to Old Age and Decay. Though for the present thou possibly be not weary of the Exercise, yet is it like, I will hear thee confess a few years hence, that thy Cods hang dangling downwards for want of a better Truss. I see thee waxing a little hoar-headed already; thy Beard by the Distinctions of grey, white, tawny and black, hath to my thinking the resemblance of a Map of the Terre∣strial Globe, or Geographical Cart. Look attentively upon, and take Inspe∣ction of what I shall show unto thee. Behold there Asia, here are Tygris and Euphrates. Lo there Africk; here is the Mountain of the Moon, yonder thou mayst perceive the Fenny Marsh of Ni∣lus. On this side lieth Europe: Dost thou

not see the Abby of Tileme? This little Tuft, which is altogether white, is the Hyperborean Hills. By the thirst of my Throple, Friend, when Snow is on the Mountains, I say the Head and the Chin, there is not then any considerable Heat to be expected in the Valleys and Low-Countries of the Codpiece. By the Kibes of thy Heels (quoth Panurge) thou dost not understand the Topicks. When Snow is on the tops of the Hills, Lightning, Thunder. Tempest, Whirlwinds, Storms, Hurricanes, and all the Devils of Hell rage in the Valleys. Wouldst thou see the experience thereof, go to the Terri∣tory of the Swissers, and earnestly perpend with thy self there the Situation of the Lake of Wendelberliok, about four Leagues distant from Berne, on the Syon-side of the Land. Thou twittest me with my Grey Heirs, yet considerest not how I am of the Nature of Leeks, which with a white Head carry a green, fresh, streight, and vigorous Tail.

The truth is nevertheless, (why should I deny it) that I now and then discern in my self some indicative Signs of Old Age. Tell this, I prithee, to no body, but let it be kept very close and secret be∣twixt us two; for I find the Wine much sweeter now, more savoury to my taste,

and unto my Palate of a better relish than formerly I was wont to do; and withal, besides mine accustomed manner, I have a more dreadful Apprehension than I ever heretofore have had of lighting on bad Wine. Note and observe that this doth argue and portend I know not what of the West and Occident of my time, and signifieth that the South and Meridian of mine Age is past. But what then? my Gentle Companion, that doth but beto∣ken that I will hereafter drink so much the more. That is not, the Devil hale it, the thing that I fear; nor is there where my Shoo pinches. The thing that I doubt most, aud have greatest reason to dread and suspect, is, that through some long absence of our King Pantagruel (to whom I must needs bear Company, should he go to all the Devils of Berathrum) my fu∣ture Wife shall make me a Cuckold. This is, in truth, the long and the short on't: For I am by all those whom I have spoke to menac'd and threatned with a Horned Fortune; and all of them affirm, it is the Lot to which from Heaven I am pre∣destinated. Every one (answered Friar Ihon) that would be a Cuckold, is not one: If it be thy Fate to be hereafter of the number of that Horned Cattle, then may I conclude with an Ergo, thy Wife

will be beautiful, and Ergo, thou wilt be kindly used by her: Likewise with this Ergo thou shalt be blissed with the fruition of many Friends and Well-willers: And finally with this other Ergo thou shalt be saved, and have a place in Paradise. These are Monachal Topicks and Maxims of the Cloyster: Thou mayst take more liberty to sin: Thou shalt be more at ease than ever: There will be nevertheless left for thee, nothing diminished, but thy Goods shall increase notably: And if so be it was preordinated for thee, wouldst thou be so impious as not to acquiesce in thy Destiny? Speak thou jaded Cod,

• Faded C.
• Mouldy C.
• Musty C.
• Paultery C.
• Senseless C.
• Foundred C.
• Distempred C.
• Berayed C.
• Inveigled C.
• Dangling C.
• Stupid C.
• Seedless C.
• Soaked C.
• Lowting C.
• Discouraged C.
• Surfeited C.
• Peevish C.
• Translated C.
• Forlorn C.
• Unsavoury C.
• Worm-eaten C.
• Overtoiled C.
• Miserable C.
• Steeped C.
• Kneaded with cold Water C.
• Appealant C.
• Swagging C.
• Withered C.
• Broken reined C.
• ...

• Defective C.
• Crestfallen C.
• Felled C.
• Fleeted C.
• Cloyed C.
• Squeezed C.
• Resty C.
• Pounded C.
• Loose C.
• Coldish C.
• Peckled C.
• Churned C.
• Filiped C.
• Singlefied C.
• Begrimed C.
• Wrinkled C.
• Fainted C.
• Extenuated C.
• Grim C.
• Wasted C.
• Inflamed C.
• Unhinged C.
• Scurfie C.
• Stradling C.
• Putrified C.
• Maimed C.
• Overlechered C.
• Druggely C.
• Mitified C.
• Goat-ridden C.
• Weakned C.
• Asse-ridden C.
• Puff-pasted C.
• St. Anthonified C.
• Untriped C.
• Blasted C.
• Cut off C.
• Beveraged C.
• Scarified C.
• Dasht C.
• Slasht C.
• Infeebled C.
• Whore hunting C.
• Deteriorated C.
• Chil C.
• Scrupulous C.
• Crazed C.
• Tasteless C.
• Hacked C.
• Flaggy C.
• Scrubby C.
• Drained C.
• Haled C.
• Lolling C.
• Drenched C.
• Burst C.
• Stirred up C.
• Mitred C.
• Pedlingly furnished C.
• Rusty C.
• Exhausted C.
• ...

• Perplexed C.
• Unhelved C.
• Fizled C.
• Leaprous C.
• Bruised C.
• Spadonick C.
• Boughty C.
• Mealy C.
• Wrangling C.
• Gangreened C.
• Crustrisen C.
• Ragged C.
• Quelled C.
• Bragodochio C.
• Beggarly C.
• Trepanned C.
• Bedusked C.
• Emasculated C.
• Corked C.
• Transparent C.
• Vile C.
• Antidated C.
• Chopped C.
• Pinked C.
• Cup-glassified C.
• Fruitless C.
• Riven C.
• Pursie C.
• Fusty C.
• Jadish C.
• Fistulous C.
• Languishing C.
• Maleficiated C.
• Hectick C.
• Worn out C.
• Ill-favoured C.
• Duncified C.
• Macerated C.
• Paralytick C.
• Degraded C.
• Benummed C.
• Bat-like C.
• Fart-shotten C.
• Sun-burnt C.
• Pacified C.
• Blunted C.
• Rankling tasted C.
• Rooted out C.
• Costive C.
• Hailed on C.
• Cuffed C.
• Buffeted C.
• Whirreted C.
• Robbed C.
• Neglected C.
• Lame C.
• Confused C.
• Unsavoury C.
• Overthrown C.
• Boulted C.
• Trod under C.
• Desolate C.
• ...

• Declining C.
• Stinching C.
• Sorrowful C.
• Murthered C.
• Matachin-like C.
• Besotted C.
• Customerless C.
• Minced C.
• Exulcerated C.
• Patched C.
• Stupified C.
• Annihilated C.
• Spent C.
• Foiled C.
• Aguish C.
• Disfigured C.
• Disabled C.
• Forcedless C.
• Censured C.
• Cut C.
• Rifled C.
• Undone C.
• Corrected C.
• Slit C.
• Skittish C.
• Spungy C.
• Botched C.
• Dejected C.
• Jagged C.
• Pining C.
• Deformed C.
• Mischieved C.
• Cobled C.
• Imbased C.
• Ransacked C.
• Despised C.
• Mangy C.
• Abased C.
• Supine C.
• Mended C.
• Dismayed C.
• Harsh C.
• Beaten C.
• Barred C.
• Abandoned C.
• Confounded C.
• Lowtish C.
• Born down C.
• Sparred C.
• Abashed C.
• Unseasonable C.
• Opprest C.
• Grated C.
• Falling away C.
• Smalcut C.
• Disordered C.
• La••tised C.
• Ruined C.
• Exasperated C.
• Rejected C.
• Belammed C.
• Fabricitant C.
• ...

• Perused C.
• Emasculated C.
• Roughly handled C.
• Examined C.
• Crakt C.
• Waiward C.
• Hagled C.
• Gleaning C.
• Ill-favoured C.
• Pulled C.
• Drooping C.
• Faint C.
• Parched C.
• Paultry C.
• Cankred C.
• Void C.
• Vexed C.
• Bestunk C.
• Crooked C.
• Brabling C.
• Rotten C.
• Anxious C.
• Clouted C.
• Tired C.
• Proud C.
• Fractured C.
• Melancholy C.
• Coxcombly C.
• Bafe C.
• Bleaked C.
• Detested C.
• Diaphanous C.
• Unworthy C.
• Checked C.
• Mangled C.
• Turned over C.
• Harried C.
• Flawed C.
• Froward C.
• Ugly C.
• Drawn C.
• Riven C.
• Distasteful C.
• Hanging C.
• Broken C.
• Limber C.
• Effeminate C.
• Kindled C.
• Evacuated C.
• Grieved C.
• Carking C.
• Disorderly C.
• Empty C.
• Disquieted C.
• Besysted C.
• Confounded C.
• Hooked C.
• Diverous C.
• Wearied C.
• Sad C.
• Cross C.
• Vain-glorious C.
• ...

• Poor C.
• Brown C.
• Shrunkin C.
• Abhorred C.
• Troubled C.
• Scornful C.
• Dishonest C.
• Reproved C.
• Cocketed C.
• Filthy C.
• Shred C.
• Chawned C.
• Short-winded C.
• Branchless C.
• Chapped C.
• Failing C.
• Deficient C.
• Lean C.
• Consumed C.
• Used C.
• Puzled C.
• Allayed C.
• Spoiled C.
• Clagged C.
• Palsey-strucken C.
• Amazed C.
• Bedunsed C.
• Extirpated C.
• Banged C.
• Stripped C.
• Hoary C.
• Winnowed C.
• Decayed C.
• Disastrous C.
• Unhandfom C.
• Stummed C.
• Barren C.
• Wretched C.
• Feeble C.
• Cast down C.
• Stopped C.
• Kept under C.
• Stubborn C.
• Ground C.
• Retchless C.
• Weather-beaten C.
• Flayed C.
• Bauld C.
• Tossed C.
• Flapping C.
• Cleft C.
• Meagre C.
• Dumpified C.
• Supprest C.
• Hagged C.
• Jawped C.
• Havocked C.
• Astonished C.
• Dulled C.
• Slow C.
• Plucked up C.
• Constipated C.
• ...

• Blown C.
• Blockify'd C.
• Pommeled C.
• All-to-be mawl'd C.
• Fallen away C.
• Unlucky C.
• Steril C.
• Beshitten C.
• Appeased C.
• Caitive C.
• Woful C.
• Unseemly C.
• Heavy C.
• Weak C.
• Prostrated C.
• Uncomely C.
• Naughty C.
• Laid flat C.
• Suffocated C.
• Held down C.
• Barked C.
• Hairless C.
• Flamping C.
• Hooded C.
• Wormy C.
• Besysted C.
• Faulty C.
• Bemealed C.
• Mortified C.
• Scurvy C.
• Bescabbed C.
• Torn C.
• Subdued C.
• Sneaking C.
• Bare C.
• Swart C.
• Smutched C.
• Raised up C.
• Chopped C.
• Flirted C.
• Blained C.
• Blotted C.
• Sunk in C.
• Gastly C.
• Unpointed C.
• Beblistered C.
• Wizened C.
• Begger-plated C.
• Douf C.
• Clarty C.
• Lumpish C.
• Abject C.
• Side C.
• Choaked up C.
• Backward C.
• Prolix C.
• Spotted C.
• Crumpled C.
• Frumpled C.
• State C.
• Corrupted C.
• Beflowred C.
• ...

• Amated C.
• Blackish C.
• Underlaid C.
• Loathing C.
• Ill-filled C.
• Bobbed C.
• Mated C.
• Tawny C.
• Whealed C.
• Besmeared C.
• Hollow C.
• Pantless C.
• Guizened C.
• Demiss C.
• Refractory C.
• Rensie C.
• Frowning C.
• Limping C.
• Raveled C.
• Rammish C.
• Gaunt C.
• Beskimmered C.
• Scraggy C.
• Lank C.
• Swashring C.
• Moyling C.
• Swinking C.
• Harried C.
• Tugged C.
• Towed C.
• Misused C.
• Adamitical C.

Balockatso to the Devil, my dear Friend Panurge, seeing it is so decreed by the Gods, wouldst thou invert the course of the Planets, and make them retrograde? Wouldst thou disorder all the Coelestial Spheres? blame the Intelligences, blunt the Spindles, joynt the Wherves, slander the Spinning Quills, reproach the Bob∣bins, revile the Clew-bottoms, and final∣ly ravel and untwist all the Threads of both the warp and the waft of the weer'd Sister Parques? What a Pox to thy Bones dost thou mean, stony Cod? thou wouldst if thou couldst, a great deal worse than

the Gyants of old intended to have done. Come hither, Billicullion; Whether wouldst thou be Jealous without cause, or be a Cuckold and know nothing of it? Neither the one nor the other (quoth Pa∣nurge) would I choose to be: But if I get an inkling of the matter, I will provide well enough, or there shall not be one stick of Wood within Five hundred Leagues about me, whereof to make a Cudgel. In good Faith (Fryar Ihon) I speak now seriously unto thee, I think it will be my best not to marry: Hearken to what the Bells do tell me, now that we are nearer to them: Do not Marry, Marry not, not, not, not, not; Marry, Marry not, not, not, not, not: If thou Marry, thou wilt miscarry, carry, carry; thou'lt repent it, re∣sent it, sent it: if thou Marry, thou a Cuc∣kold, a Cou-cou-Cuckoe, Cou-cou-Cuckold thou shalt be. By the worthy Wrath of God I begin to be angry; this Campa••lian Ora∣cle fretteth me to the Guts, a March-Hare was never in such a Chaff as I am. O how I am vexed! you Monks and Fryars of the Cowl-pated, and Hood-poll'd Fra∣ternity, have you no Remedy nor Salve against this Malady of Graffing Horns in Heads? Hath Nature so abandoned Hu∣mane-kind, and of her help left us so de∣stitute, that married Men cannot know

how to sail through the Seas of this mortal Life, and be safe from the Whirlpools, Quicksands, Rocks, and Banks, that lie a∣longst the Coast of Cornwall.

I will (said Fryar Ihon) shew thee a way, and teach thee an expedient, by means whereof thy Wife shall never make thee a Cuckold without thy knowledge, and thine own consent. Do me the favour, I pray thee, (quoth Panurge) my pretty soft downy Cod; now tell it, Billy, tell it, I beseech thee. Take (quoth Fryar Ihon) Hans Carvel's Ring up∣on thy Finger, who was the King of Me∣linda's chief Jeweller; besides that, this Hans Carvel had the Reputation of being very skilful and expert in the Lapidary's Profession, he was a studious, learned, and ingenious Man, a Scientifick Person, full of Knowledge, a great Philosopher, of a sound Judgment, of a prime Wit, good Sence, clear Spirited, an honest Creature, Courteous, Charitable, Giver of Alms, and of a Jovial Humour, a Boon Companion, and a Merry Blade, if ever there was any in the World: He was somewhat Gorbellied, had a little Shake in his Head, and in ef∣fect unwieldy of his Body; in his Old Age he took to Wife the Bayliff of Concordat's Daughter, a young, fair, jolly, gallant, spruce, frisk, brisk, neat, feat, smirk, smug, compt, quaint, gay, fine, trixy, trim, de∣cent,

proper, graceful, handsome, beauti∣ful, comely; and kind, a little too much to her Neighbours and Acquaintance.

Hereupon it fell out, after the expiring of a scantling of Weeks, that Master Car∣vel became as jealous as a Tygar, and en∣tred into a very profound suspition, that his new-married Gixy did keep a Buttock∣stirring with others: to prevent which inconveniency, he did tell her many tra∣gical Stories of the total Ruine of several Kingdoms by Adultery; did read unto her the Legend of chast Wives; then made some Lectures to her in the praise of the choice Vertue of Pucidity, and did pre∣sent her with a Book in Commendation of Conjugal Fidelity: wherein the wic∣kedness of all licentious Women was odi∣ously detested; and withal, he gave her a Chain enriched with pure Oriental Sa∣phires. Notwithstanding all this, he found her always more and more inclined to the reception of her Neighbour Copes-mates, that day by day his Jealousie increased; in sequel whereof, one Night as he was lying by her, whilst in his Sleep the ram∣bling Fancies of the leacherous Deport∣ments of his Wife, did take up the Celluls of his Brain, he dreamt that he encountred with the Devil, to whom he had disco∣vered to the full the buzzing of his Head,

and suspicion that his Wife did tread her Shooe awry; the Devil, he thought, in this perplexity, did for his comfort, give him a Ring, and therewithal did kindly put it on his Middle-finger, saying, Hans Carvel, I give thee this Ring, whilst thou carriest it upon that Finger, thy Wife shall never carnally be known by any o∣ther then thy self, without thy special knowledge and consent. Grammercy (quoth Hans Carvel) my Lord Devil, I renounce Mahomet, if ever it shall come off my Finger. The Devil vanished, as is his Custom, and then Hans Carvel full of Joy awaking, found that his Middle∣finger was as far as it could reach within the What-do-you-call-it of his Wife. I did forget to tell thee, how his Wife, as soon as she had felt the Finger there, said in re∣coyling her Buttocks, Off, yes, nay, tut, pish, tush, aye, Lord, that is not the thing which should be put up in that place. With this Hans Carvel thought that some pilferring Fellow was about to take the Ring from him.

Is not this an Infallible and Sovereign Antidote? therefore, if thou wilt believe me, in imitation of this Example, never fail to have continually the Ring of thy Wife's Commodity upon thy Finger. When that was said, their Discourse and their Way ended.