The third book of the works of Mr. Francis Rabelais, Doctor in Physick containing the heroick deeds of Pantagruel the son of Gargantua / now faithfully translated into English by the unimitable pen of Sir Thomas Urwhart.

CHAP. XXVII. How Fryar Ihon merrily, and sportingly counselleth Panurge. (Book 27)

BY Saint Rigomet (quoth Fryar Ihon) I do advise thee to nothing, my dear Friend Panurge) which I would not do my self, were I in thy place: only have a special care, and take good heed thou soulder well together the Joynts of the double backed, and two bellied Beast, and fortifie thy Nerves so strongly, that there be no discontinuance in the Knocks of the Venerian thwacking, else thou art lost, poor Soul: for if there pass long intervals betwixt the Priapising Feats, and that thou make an intermission of too large a time, that will befall thee, which be••ides the Nurses, if they desist from giving suck to

Children, they lose their Milk; and if continually thou do not hold thy Asper∣sory Tool in exercise, and keep thy Men∣tal going, thy Lacticinian Nectar will be gone, and it will serve thee only as a Pipe to piss out at, and thy Cods for a Wallet of lesser value then a Beggars Scrip. This is a certain truth I tell thee, Friend, and doubt not of it; for my self have seen the sad experiment thereof in many, who cannot now do what they would, because before they did not what they might have done.: Ex desuetudine amittuntur Privilegia: Non-usage oftentimes destroys ones Right, say the learned Doctors of the Law: there∣fore, my Billy, entertain as well as possibly thou canst, that Hypogastrian, lower sort of Troglodytick People, that their chief plea∣sure may be placed in the case of sempiter∣nal labouring. Give order that henceforth they live not like adle Gentlemen, idly upon their Rents and Revenues, but that they may work for their Livelyhoood, by breaking ground within the Paphian Tren∣ches. Nay truly (answered Panurge) Fryar Ihon, my left Ballock, I will believe thee, for thou dealest plain with me, and fal∣lest down-right square upon the business, without going about the Bush with frivo∣lous circumstances, and unnecessary re∣servations. Thou with the splendour of

a piercing Wit, hast dissipated all the lour∣ing Clouds of anxious Apprehensions and Suspicions, which did intimidate and ter∣rifie me: therefore the Heavens be plea∣sed to grant to thee, at all She-conflicts, a stiff-standing Fortune. Well then, as thou hast said, so will I do, I will, in good Faith, Marry; in that point there shall be no failing, I promise thee, and shall have always by me pretty Girls clothed with the Name of my Wives Waiting-Maids, that lying under thy Wings, thou mayest be Night-Protector of their Sister∣hood.

Let this serve for the first part of the Sermon. Hearken (quoth Fryar Ihon) to the Oracle of the Bells of Varenes; What say they? I hear and understand them (quoth Panurge) their Sound is by my Thirst, more uprightly fatidical, then that of Iove's Great Kettles in Dodona. Heark∣en; Take thee a Wife, take thee a Wife, and marry, marry, marry: for if thou marry, thou shalt find good therein, herein, here in a Wife thou shalt find good; so marry, marry. I will assure thee, that I shall be married, all the Elements invite and prompt me to it: let this Word be to thee a Brazen Wall, by diffidence not to be broken thorough. As for the Second part of this our Do∣ctrine: Thou seemest in some measure to

mistrust the readiness of my Paternity, in the practising of my Placket-Racket with∣in the Aphrodisian Tennis-Court at all times fitting, as if the stiff God of Gardens were not favourable to me. I pray thee, favour me so much as to believe, that I still have him at a beck, attending always my Com∣mandments, docile, obedient, vigorous, and active in all things, and every-where, and never stubborn or refractory to my will or pleasure.

I need no more, but to let go the Reins, and slacken the Leash, which is the Belly∣point, and when the Game is shewn un∣to him, say, Hey, Iack, to thy Booty, he will not fail even then to flesh himself up∣on his Prey, and tuzle it to some purpose. Hereby you may perceive, although my future Wife were as unsatiable and glutto∣nous in her Voluptuousness, and the De∣lights of Venery, as ever was the Empress Messalina, or yet the Marchioness in Eng∣land; and I desire thee to give credit to it, that I lack not for what is requisite to overloy the Stomach of her Lust, but have wherewith aboundingly to please her.

I am not ignorant that Salomon said, who indeed of that matter speaketh Clerk∣like, and learnedly: as also how Aristotle after him declared for a truth, That for the greater part, the Lechery of a Woman

is ravenous and unsatisfiable: neverthe∣less, let such as are my Friends, who read those passages, receive from me for a most real verity, that I for such a Gill, have a fit Iack; and that, if Womens things can∣not be satiated, I have an Instrument inde∣fatigable; an Implement as copious in the giving, as can in craving be their Vade Mecums. Do not here produce ancient Examples of the Paragons of Paillardise, and offer to match with my Testiculatory A∣bility, the Priapaean Prowess of the fabu∣lous Fornicators, Hercules, Proculus, Caesar, and Mahomet, who in his Alchoran doth vaunt, that in his Cods he had the vigour of Threescore Bully Ruffians; but let no zealous Christian trust the Rogue, the filthy ribald Rascal is a Lyar. Shall thou need to urge Authorities, or bring forth the Instance of the Indian Prince, of whom Theophrastus Plinius, and Athenaeus testifie, that with the help of a certain Herb, he was able, and had given frequent Experi∣ments thereof, to toss his sinewy Piece of Generation, in the Act of carnal Concu∣piscence, above Threescore and ten times in the space of Four and twenty hours. Of that I believe nothing, the number is sup∣posititious, and too prodigally foisted in: Give no Faith unto it, I beseech thee, but prithee trust me in this, and thy credulity

therein shall not be wronged; for it is true, and Probatum est, that my Pionier of Nature, the sacred Ithyphallian Champion, is of all stiff-intruding Blades the primest: Come hither my Ballockette, and hearken, Didst thou ever see the Monk of Castres Cowl? when in any House it was laid down, whether openly in the view of all, or covertly out of the sight of any, such was the ineffable Vertue thereof for exci∣tating and stirring up the People of both Sexes unto Lechery, that the whole Inha∣bitants and Indwellers, not only of that, but likeways of all the circumjacent places thereto, within three Leagues around it, did suddenly enter into Rut, both Beasts and Folks, Men and Women, even to the Dogs and Hogs, Rats and Cats.

I swear to thee, that many times hereto∣fore I have perceived, and found in my Codpiece a certain kind of Energy, or effi∣cacious Vertue, much more irregular, and of a greater Anomaly, then what I have related: I will not speak to thee either of House or Cottage, nor of Church or Market, but only tell thee, that once at the Representation of the Passion, which was acted at Saint Mexents; I had no soon∣er entred within the Pit of the Theater, but that forthwith, by the vertue and oc∣cult property of it, on a sudden all that

were there, both Players and Spectators, did fall into such an exorbitant Tempta∣tion of Lust, that there was not Angel, Man, Devil, nor Deviless, upon the place, who would not then have Bri∣collitched it with all their Heart and Soul.

The Prompter forsook his Copy, he who played Michael's part, came down to rights, the Devils issued out of Hell, and carried along with them most of the pret∣ty little Girls that were there; yea, Luci∣fer got out of his Fetters; in a word: seeing the huge Disorder, I disparked my self forth of that inclosed place, in imita∣tion of Cato the Censor, who perceiving by reason of his presence, the Floralian Festivals out of order, withdrew him∣self.