The third book of the works of Mr. Francis Rabelais, Doctor in Physick containing the heroick deeds of Pantagruel the son of Gargantua / now faithfully translated into English by the unimitable pen of Sir Thomas Urwhart.

CHAP. XXV. How Panurge consulteth with Her Trippa. (Book 25)

NEvertheless, (quoth Epistemon, con∣tinuing his Discourse) I will tell you what you may do, if you will believe me, before we return to our King: Hard by here, in the Brown-wheat Island, dwelleth▪ Her Trippa; you know how by the Arts▪

of Astrology, Geomancy, Chiromancy, Metopomancy, and others of a like stuff and nature, he foretelleth all things to come: Let us talk a little, and confer with him about your Business. Of that (answered Panurge) I know nothing: but of this much concerning him I am assu∣red, that one day, and that not long since, whilst he was prating to the Great King, of Coelestial, Sublime, and Transcendent Things, the Lackqueys and Footboys of the Court, upon the upper Steps of Stairs between two Doors, jumbled, one after another, as often as they lifted, his Wife; who is passable fair, and a pretty snug Hu••∣sie. Thus he who seemed very clearly to see all Heavenly and Terrestrial Things without Spectacles, who discoursed bold∣ly of Adventures past, with great confi∣dence opened up present Cases and Acci∣dents, and stoutly professed the presaging of all future Events and Contingencies, and was not able with all the Skill and Cunning that he had, to perceive the Bumbasting of his Wife, whom he repu∣ted to be very chast; and hath not till this hour, got Notice of any thing to the con∣trary. Yet let us go to him, seeing you will have it so: for surely we can never learn too much. They on the very next ensuing Day, came to Her Trippa's. Lodg∣ing.

Panurge, by way of Donative, pre∣sented him with a long Gown lined all thorough with Wolves-skins, with a short Sword mounted with a gilded Hilt, and covered with a Velvet Scabbard, and with fifty good single Angels: then in a familiar and friendly way did he ask of him his Opinion touching the Affair. At the very first Her Trippa looking on him very wist∣ly in the face, said unto him: Thou hast the Metoposcopy, and Physiognomy of a Cuckold; I say, of a notorious and infa∣mous Cuckold. With this casting an eye upon Panurge's right Hand in all the parts thereof, he said, This rugged Draught which I see here, just under the Mount of Iove, was never yet but in the Hand of a Cuckold. Afterwards, he with a White Lead Pen, swiftly, and hastily drew a certain Number of diverse kinds of Points, which by Rules of Geomancy he coupled and joyned together, then said, Truth it self is not truer, then that it is certain, thou wilt be a Cuckold, a little after thy Marriage. That being done, he asked of Panurge the Horoscope of his Nativity; which was no sooner by Panurge tendred unto him, then that, erecting a Figure, he very promptly and speedily formed and fashion'd a compleat Fabrick of the Houses of Heaven, in all their parts, whereof when

he had considered the Situation and the Aspects in their Triplicities, he fetched a deep sigh, and said: I have clearly enough already discovered unto you the Fate of your Cuckoldry, which is unavoidable, you cannot escape it; and here have I got of new a further assurance thereof, so that I may now hardily pronounce, and affirm without any scruple or hesitation at all, that thou wilt be a Cuckold; that fur∣thermore, thou wilt be beaten by thine own Wife, and that she will purloyn, filch, and steal of thy Goods from thee; for I find the Seventh House, in all its Aspects, of a malignant Influence, and every one of the Planets threatning thee with Disgrace, according as they stand seated towards one another, in relation to the Horned Signs of Aries, Taurus, and Capricorn: In the Fourth House I find Iupiter in a Deca∣dence, as also in a Tetragonal Aspect to Saturn, associated with Mercury: thou wilt be soundly pepper'd, my good honest Fellow, I warrant thee. I will be: (an∣swered Panurge) a Plague rot thee, thou old Fool, and doating Sot, how graceless and unpleasant thou art.

When all Cuckolds shall be at a Gene∣ral Rendezvous, thou shouldst be their Standard-bearer. But whence comes▪ this Ciron-worm betwixt these two Fingers?

This Panurge said, putting the Fore-finger of his Left-hand, betwixt the Fore and Mid∣finger of the Right, which he thrust out to∣wards Her Trippa, holding them open af∣ter the manner of two Horns, and shutting into a Fist his Thumb, with the other Fingers. Then in turning to Epistemon, he said, Lo here the true Ollus of Martial, who addicted and devoted himself wholly to the observing the Miseries, Crosses, and Calamities of others, whilst his own Wife, in the Interim, did keep an open Bawdy∣house.

This Varlet is poorer then ever was Irus, and yet he is a proud, vaunting, ar∣rogant, self-conceited, over-weening, and more insupportable then Seventeen Devils; in one word, 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉, which term of old was applied to the like beggarly strut∣ting Coxcombs.

Come, let us leave this Madpash Bed∣lam, this hair-brain'd Fop, and give him leave to rave and dose his Belly-full, with his private and intimately acquainted Devils; who, if they were not the very worst of all the infernal Fiends, would ne∣ver have daigned to serve such a knavish, barking Cur as this is. He hath not learnt the first Precept of Philosophy, which is, Know thy Self: for whilst he braggeth and boasteth, that he can discern the least

Mote in the Eye of another, he is not a∣ble to see the huge Block that puts out the sight of both his Eyes. This is such ano∣ther Polypragmon, as is by Plutarch descri∣bed: He is of the nature of the Lamian Witches, who in forreign Places, in the Houses of Strangers, in Publick, and a∣mongst the common People, had a sharper and more piercing Inspection into their Affairs then any Lync; but at home in their own proper Dwelling-Mansions, were blinder then Mold-Warps, and saw nothing at all: for their Custom was at their return from abroad, when they were by themselves in private to take their Eyes out of their Head, from whence they were as easily removable as a Pair of Spe∣ctacles from their Nose, and to lay them up into a wooden Slipper, which for that purpose did hang behind the Door of their Lodging.

Panurge had no sooner done speaking, when Her Trippa took into his Hand a Ta∣marisk Branch. In this (quoth Epistemon) he doth very well, right, and like an Ar∣tist, for Nicander calleth it the Divinatory Tree. Have you a mind (quoth Her Trippa) to have the truth of the matter yet more fully and amply disclosed unto you by Pyromancy, by Aeromancy, (whereof Ari∣stophanes in his Clouds maketh great esti∣mation)

by Hydromancy, by Leconomancy, of old in prime request amongst the As∣syrians, and throughly tried by Hermolaus Barbarus: Come hither, and I will shew thee in this Platter-full of fair Fountain∣water, thy future Wife, lechering, and sercroupierising it with two swaggering Ruffians, one after another. Yea, but have a special care (quoth Panurge) when thou comest to put thy Nose within mine Arse, that thou forget not to pull off thy Spectacles. Her Trippa going on in his Discourse, said by Catoptromancy, likewise held in such account by the Emperor Di∣dius Iulianus, that by means thereof he ever and anon foresaw all that which at any time did happen or befal unto him: Thou shalt not need to put on thy Spe∣ctacles, for in a Mirror thou wilt see her as clearly and manifestly Nebrundiated, and Billibodri••g-it, as if I should shew it in the Fountain of the Temple of Minerva near Parras. By Coscinomancy, most reli∣giously observed of old, amidst the Cere∣monies of the ancient Romans. Let us have a Sieve and Shiers, and thou shalt see Devils. By Alphitomancy, cried up by Theocritus in his Pharmeketria. By Alento∣mancy, mixing the Flower of Wheat with Oatmeal, By Astragalomancy, whereof I have the Plots and Models all at hand

ready for the purpose. By Tyromancy, whereof we make some Proof in a great Brehemont Cheese, which I here keep by me: By Giromancy, if thou shouldst turn round Circles, thou mightest assure thy self from me, that they would fall al∣ways on the wrong side: By Sternoman∣cy, which maketh nothing for thy Ad∣vantage, for thou hast an ill proportion'd Stomach: By Libanomancy, for the which we shall need but a little Frankin∣cense: By Gastromancy, which kind of ventral Fatiloquency was for a long time together used in Ferrara by Lady Giacoma Rodogina, the Eugastrimythian Prophetess: By Cephalomancy, often practised a∣mongst the High Germans in their boiling of an Asses Head upon burning Coals: By Ceromancy, where by the means of Wax dissolved into Water, thou shalt see the Figure, Pourtrait and lively Repre∣sentation of thy future Wife, and of her Fredin Fredaliatory Belly thumping Blades: By Capnomancy; O the gal∣lantest and most excellent of all Se∣crets! By Axionomancy, we want only a Hatchet and a Jeat-stone to be laid together upon a quick Fire of hot Em∣bers. O how bravely Homer was versed in the practice hereof towards Penelope's Suiters! By Onymancy; for that we have

Oyl and Wax: By Tephromancy, thou wilt see the Ashes thus aloft dispersed, ex∣hibiting thy Wife in a fine Posture: By Botonomancy, for the nonce I have some few Leaves in reserve: By Sicomancy; O Divine Art in Fig-tree Leaves! By Icthiomancy, in ancient times so celebra∣ted, and put in use by Tiresias and Polyda∣mas, with the like certainty of event as was tried of old at the Dina-ditch within that Grove consecrated to Apollo, which is in the Territory of the Lycians: By Choiramancy. Let us have a great ma∣ny Hogs, and thou shalt have the Bladder of one of them: By Cheromomancy, as the Bean is found in the Cake at the Epi∣phany Vigil: By Anthropomancy, pra∣ctised by the Roman Emperor Heliagobu∣lus; it is somewhat irksom, but thou wilt endure it well enough, seeing thou art destinated to be a Cuckold: By a Sybilline Stichomancy: By Onomatomancy: How do they call thee! Chaw, turd; (quoth Panurge) or yet by Alectryomancy. If I should here with a Compass draw a round, and in looking upon thee, and consider∣ing thy Lot, divide the Circumference thereof into four and twenty equal parts, then form a several Letter of the Alpha∣bet upon every one of them; and lastly, posit a Barly Corn or two upon each of

these so disposed Letters, I durst promise upon my Faith and Honesty, that if a young Virgin Cock be permitted to range alongst and athwart them, he should on∣ly eat the Grains which are set and placed upon these Letters, A. C. u. c. k. o. l. d. T. h. o. u. s. h. a l. t. b. e. And that as fatidically, as un∣der the Emperor Valence, most perplex∣edly desirous to know the Name of him, who should be his Successor to the Em∣pire, the Cock Vaticinating and Alectry∣omantick, ate up the Pickles that were po∣sited on the Letters T. h. e. o. d. Or for the more certainty, will you have a trial of your Fortune by the Art of Aruspiciny? by Augury? or by Extispicine? By Tur∣dispicine, quoth Panurge; or yet by the Mystery of Negromancy? I will, if you please, suddenly set up again, and revive some one lately deceased, as Apollonius of Tyan did to Achilles, and the Pythoniss in the Presence of Saul; which Body so raised up and requickned, will tell us the Sum of all you shall require of him; no more nor less than at the Invocation of Erictho, a certain defunct Person foretold to Pompy the whole progress and issue of the fatal Battle fought in the Pharsalian Fields? Or if you be afraid of the Dead, as commonly all Cuckolds are, I will make use of the Faculty of Sciomancy.

Go, get thee gone (quoth Panurge) thou Frantick Ass, to the Devil, and be bug∣gered, filthy Bordachio that thou art, by some Albanian, for a Steeple-crown'd Hat. Why the Devil didst not thou counsel me as well to hold an Emerald, or the Stone of a Hyena under my Tongue? Or to furnish and provide my self with Tongues of Whoops, and Hearts of Green Frogs? Or to eat of the Liver and Milt of some Dragon? To the end that by those means I might at the chanting and chirping of Swans and other Fowls, understand the Substance of my future Lot and Destiny, as did of old the Ara∣bians in the Country of Mesopotamia? Fifteen brace of Devils seize upon the Bo∣dy and Soul of this horned, Renegado, miscreant Cuckold, the Inchanter, Witch, and Sorcerer of Antichrist to all the De∣vils of Hell.

Let us return towards our King: I am sure he will not be well pleased with us, if he once come to get notice that we have been in the Kennel of this muffled Devil. I repent my being come hither. I would willingly dispence with a Hun∣dred Nobles, and Fourteen Yeomans, on condition that he who not long since did blow in the bottom of my Breeches, should instantly with his squirting Spittle

inluminate his Mustaches. O Lord God now! how the Villain hath besmoaked me with Vexation and Anger, with Charms and Witchcraft, and with a ter∣rible Coyl and Stir of Infernal and Tar∣tarian Devils! The Devil take him: say Amen; and let us go drink. I shall not have any Appetite for my Victuals (how good Cheer soever I make) these two days to come, hardly these four.