The third book of the works of Mr. Francis Rabelais, Doctor in Physick containing the heroick deeds of Pantagruel the son of Gargantua / now faithfully translated into English by the unimitable pen of Sir Thomas Urwhart.

CHAP. XXIII. How Panurge maketh the motion of a Return to Raminagrobis. (Book 23)

LET us return, quoth Panurge, not cea∣sing, to the uttermost of our Abili∣ties, to ply him with wholesome Admo∣nitions, for the furtherance of his Salva∣tion. Let us go back for God's sake, let us go in the Name of God: it will be a very meritorious Work, and of great Cha∣rity,

in us to deal so in the matter, and pro∣vide so well for him, that albeit he come to lose both Body and Life, he may at least escape the risk and danger of the eter∣nal Damnation of his Soul. We will by our holy perswasions bring him to a sence and feeling of his Escapes, induce him to acknowledge his Faults, move him to a cordial Repentance of his Errors, and stir up in him such a sincere. Contrition of Heart for his Offences, as will prompt him with all earnestness to cry Mercy, and to beg Pardon at the Hands of the good Fathers, as well of the absent, as of ••uch as are present: Whereupon we will take Instrument formally and authentical∣ly extended, to the end he be not, after his Decease, declared an Heretick, and condemned, as were the Hobgoblins of the Provost's Wife of Orleans, to the undergo∣ing of such Punishments, Pains and Tor∣tures, as are due to, and inflicted on those that inhabit the horrid Cells of the infer∣nal Regions: and withal incline, instigate, and perswade him to bequeath, and leave in Legacy (by way of an amends and sa∣tisfaction for the outrage and injury done) to those good Religious Fathers, throughout all the Convents, Cloysters, and Mona∣stries of this Province, many Bribes, a great deal of Mass-singing, store of Obits,

and that sempiternally, on the Anniver∣sary Day of his Decease, every one of them all be furnished with a quintuple Allow∣ance: and that the great Borrachoe, reple∣nished with the best Liquor, trudge apace along the Tables, as well of the young Duckling, Monkito's, Lay-Brothers, and lowermost degree of the Abbey-Lubbards, as of the Learned Priests, and Reverend Clerks. The very meanest of the Novi∣ces, and Mitiants unto the Order being equally admitted to the benefit of those Funerary and Obsequial Festivals, with the aged Rectors, and professed Fathers; this is the surest ordinary means, whereby from God he may obtain forgiveness.

Ho, ho, I am quite mistaken, I digress from the purpose, and fly out of my Di∣scourse, as if my Spirits were a wool-ga∣thering. The Devil take me, if I go thi∣ther. Vertue, God, the Chamber is al∣ready full of Devils. O what a swinging, thwacking Noise is now amongst them! O the terrible Coyl that they keep! Hear∣ken, do you not hear the rustling thump∣ing bustle of their Stroaks and Blows, as they scuffle with one another, like true Devils indeed, who shall gulp up the Ra∣minogrobis Soul, and be the first Bringer of it, whilst it is hot, to Monsieur Lucifer. Beware, and get you hence: for my part,

I will not go thither; the Devil roast me if I go. Who knows but that these hun∣gry mad Devils may in the hast of their rage and fury of their impatience, take a quid for a quo, and instead of Raminagro∣bis snatch up poor Panurge frank and free? Though formerly, when I was deep in Debt, they always failed. Get you hence: I will not go thither. Before God, the very bare apprehension thereof is like to kill me. To be in the place where there are greedy, famished, and hunger-starved Devils; amongst factious Devils: amidst trading and trafficking Devils: O the Lord preserve me! Get you hence, I dare pawn my Credit on it, that no Iacobin, Corde∣lier, Carme Capucin, Theatin, or Minim, will bestow any personal Presence at his Inter∣ment. The wiser they, because he hath ordained nothing for them in his latter Will and Testament.

The Devil take me, if I go thi••her; if he be damned, to his own loss and hin∣drance be it. What the Deuce moved him to be so snappish and depravedly bent a∣gainst the good Fathers of the true Reli∣gion? Why did he cast them off, reject them, and drive them quite out of his Chamber, even in that very nick of time when he stood in greatest need of the aid, suffrage, and assistance of their devout

Prayers, and holy Admonitions? Why did not he by Testament leave them, at least, some jolly Lumps and Cantles of substan∣tial Meat, a parcel of Cheek-puffing Vi∣ctuals, and a little Belly-Timber, and Provision for the Guts of these poor Folks, who have nothing but their Life in this World.

Let him go thither, who will; the Devil take me, if I go; for if I should, the Devil would not fail to snatch me up. Cancro: Ho, the Pox! Get you hence, Fryar Ihon; Art thou content that Thirty thousand Waineload of Devils should get away with thee at this same very instant? If thou be, at my Request, do these Three things: First, Give me thy Purse; for besides, that thy Money is marked with Crosses, and the Cross is an Enemy to Charms, the same may befall to thee, which not long ago happened to Ihon Dodin, Colle∣ctor of the Excise of Coudray, at the Ford of Vede, when the Soldiers broak the Planks. This money'd Fellow meeting at the very Brink of the Bank of the Ford, with Fryar Adam Crankcod, a Franciscan Ob∣servantin of Mirebeau, promised him a new Frock, provided, that in the transporting of him over the Water, he would bear him up∣on his Neck and Shoulders, after the man∣ner of carrying dead Goats: for he was a lusty, strong-limb'd, sturdy Rogue.

The Condition being agreed upon, Friar Crankcod trusseth himself up to his very Ballocks, and layeth upon his Back like a fair little Saint Christopher, the load of the said Supplicant Dodin, and so car∣ry'd him gayly and with a good Will; as Aeneas bore his Father Anchises through the Conflagration of Troy, singing in the mean while a prety Avemaris Stella. When they were in the very deepest place of all the Foord, a little above the Master-wheel of the Water-Mill, he asked if he had any▪ Coin about him. Yes, (quoth Dodin) a whole Bag full; and that he needed not to mistrust his Ability in the performance of the Promise, which he had made unto him, concerning a new Frock. How▪ (quoth Friar Cranckcod) thou knowest well enough, that by the express Rules, Ca∣nons and Injunctions of our Order, we are forbidden to carry on us any kind of Money: Thou art truly unhappy, for having made me in this point to commit a hainous Trespass. Why didst thou notleave thy Purse with the Miller▪ With∣out fail thou shalt presently receive thy Reward for it; and if ever hereafter I may but lay hold upon thee within the Limits of our Chancel at Mirebeau, tho•• shalt have the: Miserere even to the Vitulos▪ With this suddenly discharging himself of

his Burthen, he throws me down your Do∣din headlong.

Take Example by this Dodin, my dear Friend Friar Iohn, to the end that the Devils may the better carry thee away at thine own ease. Give me thy Purse. Car∣ry no manner of Cross upon thee. There∣in lieth an evident and manifestly appa∣rent Danger: For if you have any Silver coined with a Cross upon it, they will cast thee down headlong upon some Rocks; as the Eagles use to do with the Tortoises for the breaking of their Shells, as the bald Pate of the Poet Eschilus can suffici∣ently bear witness. Such a Fall would hurt thee very sore by Sweet Bully, and I would be sorry for it; or otherways they will let thee fall, and tumble down into the high swollen Waves of some capacious Sea, I know not where; but I warrant thee far enough hence, (as Icarus fell) which from thy Name would afterwards get the Denomination of the Funnelian Sea.

Secondly, Out of Debt: For the De∣vils carry a great liking to those that are out of Debt. I have sore felt the experi∣ence thereof in mine own particular; for now the lecherous Varlets are always woo∣ing me, courting me, and making much of me, which they never did when I was

all to pieces. The Soul of one in Debt is insipid, dry, and heretical altoge∣ther.

Thirdly, With the Cowl and Domino de Grobis, return to Raminagrobis▪ and in case, being thus qualify'd, Thirty Thou∣sand Boats full of Devils forthwith come not to carry thee quite away, I shall be content to be at the charge of paying for the Pinte and Fagot. Now if for the more Security thou wouldst some Associ∣ate to bear thee Company, let not me be the Comrade thou searchest for, think not to get a Fellow-Traveller of me; nay, do not, I advise thee for the b••st. Get you hence; I will not go thither; the Devil take me if I go. Notwithstanding all the Fright that you are in, (quoth Fr••∣ar Ihon) I would not care so much, •••• might possibly be expected I should, if I once had but my Sword in my hand▪ Thou hast verily hit the Nail on the Head, (quoth Panurge) and speakest li•••• a Learned Doctor, subtile, and well skil∣led in the Art of Devilry.

At the time when I was a Student in the University of Tolouse, that same Ra∣verend Father in the Devil, Pio••rr••s, ••••∣ctor of the Diabological Faculty, w•••• wont to tell us, that the Devils did natu∣rally fear the bright gl••ncing of Swords▪

as much as the Splendour and Light of the Sun. In Confirmation of the Verity whereof he related this Story, That Her∣cules at his Descent into Hell to all the Devils of those Regions, did not by half so much terrifie them with his Club and Lion's Skin, as afterwards Aeneas did with his clear shining Armour upon him, and his Sword in his hand well furbished and unrusted, by the Aid, Council and Assi∣stance of the Sybilla Cumana. That was per∣haps the reason why the Senior Ihon Iaco∣mo di Trivulcio, whilst he was a dying at Chartres, called for his Cutlass, and died with a Drawn Sword in his hand, laying about him alongst and athwart around the Bed, and every where within his reach, like a stout, doughty, valorous and Knight-like Cavaleer: By which resolute manner of Fence he scared away and put to flight all the Devils that were then ly∣ing in wait for his Soul at the passage of his Death. When the Malsorets and Ca∣balists are asked, Why it is that none of all the Devils do at any time enter into the Terestrial Paradice? Their Answer hath been, is, and will be still, That there is a Cherubin standing at the Gate thereof with a Flame-like glistering Sword in his hand. Although to speak in the true Diabological Sence or Phrase of Toledo,

I must needs confess and acknowledge, that veritably the Devils cannot be killed, or die by the stroke of a Sword. I do ne∣vertheless avow and maintain, according to the Doctrine of the said Diabology, that they may suffer a Solution of Con∣tinuity; (as if with thy Shable thou shouldst cut athwart the Flamme of a burning Fire, or the gross opacous Exha∣lations of a thick and obscure Smoak) and cry out, like very Devils, at their Sense and Feeling of this Dissolution, which in real Deed I must averr and affirm is devil∣ishly painful, smarting and dolorous.

When thou seest the impetuous Shock of two Armies, and vehement Violence of the Push in their horrid Encounter with one another; dost thou think, Balockass••, that so horrible a noise as is heard there proceedeth from the Voice and Shouts of Men? The dashing and joulting of Har∣nish? The clattering and clashing of Ar∣mies? The hacking and slashing of Bat∣tle-Axes? The justling and crashing of Pikes? The bustling and breaking of Lances? The Clamour and Skrieks of the Wounded? The sound and din of Drums? The Clangour and Shrilness of Trumpets? The neighing and rushing in of Horses? with the fearful Claps and thundering of all sorts of Guns, from the Double Ca∣non

to the Pocket Pistol inclusively? I cannot, Goodly, deny, but that in these various things which I have rehearsed, there may be somewhat occasionative of the huge Yell and Tintamarre of the two engaged Bodies.

But the most fearful and tumultuous Coil and Stir, the terriblest and most boisterous Garboil and Hurry, the chiefest rustling Black Santus of all, and most prin∣cipal Hurly Burly, springeth from the grievously plangorous howling and low∣ing of Devils, who Pell-mell, in a hand∣over-head Confusion, waiting for the poor Souls of the maimed and hurt Sol∣diery, receive unawares some Stroaks with Swords, and so by those means suffering a Solution of, and Division in the Continui∣ty of their Aerial and Invisible Substances: As if some Lackey, snatching at the Lard∣slices, stuck in a piece of Roast-meat on the Spit, should get from Mr. Greazyfist a good rap on the Knuckles with a Cudgel, they cry out and shout like Devils. Even as Mars did, when he was hurt by Diome∣des at the Siege of Troy, who (as Homer te∣stifieth of him) did then raise his Voice more horrifically loud, and sonoriferously high, than ten thousand Men together would have been able to do. What ma∣keth all this for our present purpose? I

have been speaking here of well-furbished Armour and bright shining Swords. But so is it not (Friar Ihon) with thy Weapon; for by a long discontinuance of Work, ceslation from Labour, desisting from making it officiate, and putting it into that practice wherein it had been former∣ly accustomed; and in a word, for want of occupation, it is, upon my Faith, be∣come more rusty than the Key-hole of an old Poudering-Tub. Therefore it is expedient that you do one of these two, either furbish your Weapon bravely, and as it ought to be, or otherwise have a care that in the rusty case it is in, you do not presume to return to the House of Rami∣nagrobis. For my part, I vow I will not go thither, the Devil take me if I go.