The third book of the works of Mr. Francis Rabelais, Doctor in Physick containing the heroick deeds of Pantagruel the son of Gargantua / now faithfully translated into English by the unimitable pen of Sir Thomas Urwhart.

CHAP. XXII. How Panurge Patrocinates and Defend∣eth the Order of the Begging Fryars. (Book 22)

PAnurge, at his issuing forth of Ramina∣gobris's Chamber, said, as if he had been horribly affrighted, by the Vertue of God, I believe that he is an Heretick, the Devil take me, if I do not; he doth so villanously rail at the Mendicant Fryars▪ and Iacobins: who are the two Hemi∣spheres of the Christian World; by whose Gyronomonick Circumbilvaginations, as by two Celivagous Filopendulums▪ all the Autonomatick Metagrobolism of the Ro∣mish Church, when tottering and emblu∣stricated with the Gibble▪gabble Gibbrish of this odious Error and Heresie, is homo∣centrically poysed. But what harm in the Devil's Name, have these poor De∣vils the Capucins and Minims done unto him? Are not these beggarly Devils suf∣ficiently wretched already? Who can imagine that these poor Snakes, the very Extracts of Ichthyophagy, are not throughly

enough besmoaked and besmeared with Misery, Distress, and Calamity? Dost thou think, Fryar Ihon, by thy Faith, that he is in the State of Salvation? He goeth, before God, as surely damned to Thirty thousand baskets full of Devils, as a Pru∣ning-Bill to the lopping of a Vine-Branch.

To revile with opprobrious Speeches the good and couragious Props and Pillars of the Church, is that to be called a Poetical Fury? I cannot rest satisfied with him, he sinneth grosly, and blasphemeth against the true Religion. I am very much of∣fended at his scandalizing Words, and con∣tumelious Obloquy. I do not care a straw (quoth Fryar Ihon) for what he hath said; for although every body should twit and jerk them, it were but a just retaliation, seeing all Persons are served by them with the like Sauce: therefore do I pretend no Interest therein. Let us see nevertheless what he hath written. Panurge very at∣tentively read the Paper which the Old Man had penned, then said to his two Fellow-Travellers, The poor Drinker doteth: howsoever, I excuse him; for that I be∣lieve he is now drawing near to the end, and final closure of his Life: Let us go make his Epitaph.

By the Answer which he hath given us, I am not, I protest, one jot wiser then I was, hearken here Epistemon, my little Bully, dost not thou hold him to be very Resolute in his Responsory Verdicts? he is a witty, quick, and subtle Sophister. I will lay an even Wager, that he is a mis∣creant Apostate. By the Belly of a stalled Oxe, how carefull he is not to be mista∣ken in his words.

He answered but by Disjunctives, there∣fore can it not be true which he saith; for the verity of such like Propositions is inherent only in one of its two Members▪ O the ••••zening Pratler that he is▪ I won∣der if Sa••••iago of Bressure be one of these ••ogging Shirks▪ Such was of old (quoth Epistemon) the Custom of the grand Vati∣cinator and Prophet Teres••as, who used always (by way of a Preface) to say open∣ly and plainly, at the beginning of his Di∣vinations and Predictions, that what he was to tell would either come to pass, or not: And such is truly the stile of all prudently presaging Prognosticators. He was ne∣vertheless (quoth Panurge) so unfortu∣nately misadventrous in the Lot of his own Destiny▪ that I•••••• thrust out both his eyes.

Yes, (answered Epistemon) and that meerly out of a spight and spleen, for ha∣ving pronounced his award more verita∣bly then she, upon the Question which was merrily proposed by Iupiter. But (quoth Panurge) what Arch-Devil is it that hath possest this Master Raminagrobis, that so unreasonably, and without any occasion, he should have so snappishly, and bitterly inveighed against these poor honest Father, Iacobins, Minors, and Mi∣nims? It vexeth me grievously, I assure you; nor am I able to conceal my indi∣gnation. He hath transgressed most enor∣mously; his Soul goeth infallibly to thir∣ty thousand Panniers full of Devils.

I understand you not (quoth Episte∣mon) and it disliketh me very much, that you should▪ so absurdly and perversly in∣terpret that of the Fryar Mendicants, which by the harmless Poet was spoken of black Beasts, dun, and other sorts of other co∣loured Animals. He is not in my Opini∣on guilty of such a sophistical and fanta∣stick Allegory, as by that Phrase of his to have meaned the Begging Brothers; he in down right Terms speaketh abso∣lutely and properly of Fleas, Punies, Hand∣worms, Flies, Gnats, and other such-like scur••y Vermine, whereof some are black, some du••••, some ash-coloured, some taw∣ny,

and some brown and dusky, all noy∣some, molesting, tyrannous, cumbersome, and unpleasing Creatures, not only to sick and diseased Folks, but to those also who are of a sound, vigorous, and healthful Temperament and Constitution. It is not unlike, that he may have the Asea∣rids, and the Lumbricks, and Worms with∣in the Intrails of his Body. Possibly doth he suffer (as is frequent and usual amongst the Aegyptians, together with all those who inhabit the Erythraean Confines, and dwell along the Shores and Coasts of the Red Sea) some sour prickings, and sma•••• stingings in his Arms and Legs of those little speckled Dragons, which the Ara∣bians call Meden. You are to blame for offering to expound his Words otherways, and wrong the ingenuous Poet, and out∣ragiously abuse and miscall the said Fra∣ters▪ by an imputation of baseness unde•• servedly laid to their charge. We still should in such-like Discourses of fatilo∣quent Southsayers, interpret all things to the best. Will you teach me (quoth Pa∣nurge) how to discern Flies among Milk, or shew your Father the way▪ how to be∣get Children: He is, by the Vertue of God, an arrant Heretick, a resolute formal Heretick; I say, a rooted combustible Here∣tick, one as fit to burn as the little wood∣en

Clock at Rochel. His Soul goeth to Thir∣ty thousand Carts-full of Devils. Would you know whither? Cocks-body, my Friend, streight under Proserpina's Close∣stool, to the very middle of the self-same infernal Pan, within which she, by an ex∣••rementitious evacuation voideth the fecal stuff of her stinching Clysters, and that just upon the left side of the great Caul∣dron of three fathom height, hard by the Claws and Talons of Lucifer, in the very darkest of the passage which leadeth to∣wards the Black Chamber of Demigorgon. Oh the Villain!