The third book of the works of Mr. Francis Rabelais, Doctor in Physick containing the heroick deeds of Pantagruel the son of Gargantua / now faithfully translated into English by the unimitable pen of Sir Thomas Urwhart.

CHAP. XII. How Pantagruel doth explore by the Virgilian Lottery what Fortune Pa∣nurge shall have in his Marriage. (Book 12)

THen at the opening of the Book in the Sixteenth Row of the Lines of the disclosed Page, did Panurge encounter upon this following Verse:

Nec Deus hunc mensa Dea nec Dignata cubili est.

The God him from his Table banished, Nor would the Goddess have him in her Bed.

This Response (quoth Pantagruel) ma∣keth not very much for your benefit or advantage: for it plainly signifies and de∣noteth, that your Wife shall be a Strum∣pet, and your self by consequence a Cuc∣kold; the Goddess, whom you shall not find propitious nor favourable unto you, is Minerva, a most redoubtable and dread∣ful

Virgin, a powerful and fulminating Goddess, an Enemy to Cuckolds, and ef∣feminate Youngsters, to Cuckold-makers and Adulterers: the God is Iupiter, a terrible and Thunder-striking God from Heaven; and withal, it is to be remarked, that conform to the Doctrine of the anci∣ent Hetrurians, the Manubes (for so did they call the darting Hurls, or slinging Casts of the Vulcanian Thunderbolts) did on∣ly appertain to her, and to Iupiter her Fa∣ther Capital. This was verified in the Conflagration of the Ships of Ajax Oileus, nor doth this fulminating Power belong to any other of the Olympick Gods; Men therefore stand not in such fear of them. Moreover, I will tell you, and you may take it as extracted out of the profoundest Mysteries of Mythology, that when the Giants had enterprized the waging of a War against the Power of the Coelestial Orbs, the Gods at first did laugh at those Attempts, and scorn'd such despicable Enemies, who were in their conceit, not strong enough to cope in Feats of Warfare with their Pages: but when they saw by the Gigantine labour the high Hill Pelion set on lofty Ossa, and that the Mount O∣lympus was made shake to be erected on the top of both.

Then was it that Iupiter held a Parlia∣ment, or General Convention, wherein it was unanimously resolved upon, and condescended to by all the Gods, that they should worthily and valiantly stand to their Defence. And because they had often seen Battles lost by the cumbersome lets and disturbing incumbrances of Wo∣men, confusedly hudled in amongst Ar∣mies, it was at that time Decreed and Enacted, That they should expel and drive out of Heaven into Aegypt, and the Confines of Nile, that whole Crue of Goddesses disguized in the shapes of Wee∣zils, Polcats, Bats, Shrew-Mice, Ferrets, Fulmarts, and other such like odd Trans∣formations, only Minerva was reserved to participate with Iupiter in the ••orrifick fulminating Power; as being the Goddess both of War and Learning, of Arts and Arms, of Counsel and Dispatch; a God∣dess armed from her Birth, a Goddess dreaded in Heaven, in the Air, by Sea and Land. By the Belly of Saint Buff (quoth Panurge) should I be Vulcan, whom the Poet blazons! Nay, I am neither a Cripple, Coyner of false Money, nor Smith as he was.

My Wife possibly will be as comely and handsome as ever was his Venus, but not a Whore like her, nor I a Cuckold like him.

The crook-leg'd slovenly Slave, made himself to be declared a Cuckold by a de∣finitive Sentence, and Judgment, in the open view of all the Gods: for this cause ought you to interpret the aforemention∣ed Verse quite contrary to what you have said. This Lot importeth, that my Wife will be honest, vertuous, chast, loyal, and faithful; not armed, surly, waiward▪ cross, giddy, humorous, heady, hai••∣brain'd, or extracted out of the Brains, as was the Goddess Pallas: nor shall this fai•• jolly Iupiter be my Corrival, he shall ne∣ver dip his Bread in my Broath, though we should sit together at one Table.

Consider his Exploits and gallant Acti∣ons, he was the manifest Ruffian, Wen∣cher, Whoremonger, and most infamous Cuckold-maker that ever breathed: he did always lecher it like a Boar, and no wonder, for he was foster'd by a Sow in the Isle of Candia, (if Agathocles the Baby∣lonian be not a Lyar) and more rammish∣ly lascivious then a Buck, whence it is that he is said by others, to have been suckled and fed with the Milk of the A∣malthaean Goat. By the vertue of Acheron, he jusled, bulled, and last auriated in one day the third part of the World, Beasts and People, Floods and Mountains, that was Europa.

For this grand subagitatory Atchieve∣ment, the Animonians caused, draw, delineate, and paint him in the figure and shape of a Ram, ramming, and horn∣ed Ram. But I know well enough how to shield and preserve my self from that horned Champion: he will not, trust me, have to deal in my Person, with a sottish, dunsical Amphytrion; nor with a silly wit∣less Argus, for all his hundred Spectacles; nor yet with the cowardly Meacock A∣crisius; the simple Goosecap Lyrus of Thebes; the doating Blockhead Agenor; the flegmatick Pea-Goose Aesop; rough∣••ooted Lycaon; the luskish mishapen Cory∣tus of Tuscany; nor with the large back'd and strong reined Atlas: let him alter, change, transform, and metamorphose himself into a hundred various shapes and figures; into a Swan, a Bull, a Satyr, a Showre of Gold, or into a Cuckow, as he did when he unmaiden'd his Sister Iu∣no; into an Eagle, Ram, or Dove, as when he was enamoured of the Virgin Phthia, who then dwelt in the Aegea•• Territory; into Fire, a Serpent; yea, even into a Flea, into Epicurian and Demo∣cratical Atomes, or more Magistronostralisti∣cally, into those sly Intentions of the Mind, which in the Schools are called Second No∣••ions, I'll catch him in the nick, and take ••im napping.

And would you know what I would do unto him, even that which to his Father Coelum, Saturn did, (Seneca foretold it of me, and Lactantius hath confirmed it) what the Goddess Rhea did to Athis; I would make him two Stone lighter, rid him of his Cyprian Cimbals, and cut so close and neatly by the Breech, that there should not remain thereof so much as one—, so cleanly would I shave him: and disable him for ever from being Pope; for Testiculos non habet. Hold there, said Pantagruel, Hoc, soft and fair (my Lad••) enough of that, cast up, turn over the Leaves, and try your Fortune for the se∣cond time. Then did he fall upon this ensuing Verse.

Membra quatit, gelidusque coit formidine sanguis.

His Ioynts and Members quake, he becomes pale, And sudden Fear doth his cold Blood congeal.

This importeth (quoth Pantagruel) that she will soundly bang your Back and Belly. Clean and quite contrary (an∣swered Panurge) it is of me that he pro∣gnosticates, in saying that I will beat her like a Tyger, if she vex me. Sir Martin

Wagstaff will perform that Office, and in default of a Cudgel, the Devil gulp him, if I should not eat her up quick, as Can∣daul the Lydian King did his Wife, whom he ravened and devoured.

You are very stout, says Pantagruel, and couragious, Hercules himself durst hard∣ly adventure to scuffle with you in this your raging Fury: nor is it strange; for the Ian is worth two and two in fight against Hercules are too too strong. Am I a Ian? quoth Panurge. No, no, (an∣swered Pantagruel) my Mind was only running upon the lurch and tricktrack. Thereafter did he hit, at the third open∣ing of the Book, upon this Verse.

Faemineo Praedae, & spoliorum ardebat am••re.

After the Spoil and Pillage (as in Fire) He burnt with a strong Feminine Desire.

This portendeth (quoth Pantagruel) that she will steal your Goods, and rob you. Hence this, according to these three drawn Lots, will be your future Destiny, (I clearly see it) you will be a Cuckold, you will be beaten, and you will be rob∣bed. Nay, it is quite otherways, (quoth Panurge) for it is certain that this Verse

presageth, that she will love me with a perfect liking: nor did the Satyr▪ writing Poet lye in proof hereof, when he affirm∣ed, That a Woman burning with extream Affection, takes sometimes pleasure to steal from her Sweetheart. And what I pray you? a Glove, a Point, or some such trifling Toy of no importance, to make him keep a gentle kind of stirring in the research and quest thereof: in like man∣ner these small scolding Debates, and petty brabling Contentions, which fre∣quently we see spring up, and for a certain space boyl very hot betwixt a couple of high-spirited Lovers, are nothing else but recreative Diversions for their refreshment, spurs to, and incentives of a more fervent Amity than ever. As for example: We do sometimes see Cutlers with Hammers mawl their finest Whetstones, therewith to sharpen their Iron Tools the better.

And therefore do I think, that these three Lots make much for my advantage; which if not, I from their Sentence total∣ly appeal. There is no appellation (quoth Pantagruel) from the Decrees of Fate or Destiny, of Lot or Chance: as is record∣ed by our ancient Lawyers, witness Bal∣dus, Lib. ult. Cap. de Leg. The reason hereof is, Fortune doth not acknowledge a Superiour, to whom an Appeal may be

made from her, or any of her Substitutes. And in this case the Pupil cannot be re∣stored to his Right in full, as openly by the said Author is alledged in L. ait praetor, Paragrult. H. de minor.