The third book of the works of Mr. Francis Rabelais, Doctor in Physick containing the heroick deeds of Pantagruel the son of Gargantua / now faithfully translated into English by the unimitable pen of Sir Thomas Urwhart.

CHAP. IX. How Panurge asketh Counsel of Panta∣gruel whether he should marry, Yea, or No. (Book 9)

TO this Pantagruel replying nothing, Panurge prosecuted the Discourse he had already broached, and therewithal fetching, as far from the bottom of his Heart, a very deep sigh, said, My Lord and Master, you have heard the Design I am upon, which is to marry, if by some disastrous mischance, all the Holes in the World be not shut up, stopped, closed, and bush'd. I humbly beseech you for the Af∣fection which of a long time you have born me, to give me your best Advice therein. Then (answered Pantagruel) seeing you have so decreed, taken deliberation there∣on, and that the matter is fully determined, what need is there of any further Ta••k thereof, but forthwith to put it into exe∣cution what you have resolved. Yea, but (quoth Panurge) I would be loath to act any thing therein without your Counsel

had thereto. It is my Judgment also (quoth Pantagruel) and I advise you to it. Never∣theless (quoth Panurge) if I understood a∣right that it were much better for me to remain a Batchellor as I am, than to run headlong upon new hair-brain'd Under∣takings of Conjugal Adventure, I would rather choose not to marry, quoth Pan∣tagruel. Then do not marry. Yea, but (quoth Panurge) would you have me so so∣litarily drive out the whole Course of my Life, without the Comfort of a Matrimo∣nial Consort? You know it is written, Vae soli, and a single Person is never seen to reap the Joy and Solace that is found with married Folks. Then marry, in the Name of God, quoth Pantagruel. But if (quoth Panurge) my Wife should make me a Cuckold; as it is not unknown unto you, how this hath been a very plentiful Year in the production of that kind of Cattel; I would fly out, and grow impatient, be∣yond all measure and mean. I love Cuc∣kolds with my Heart, for they seem unto me to be of a right honest Conversation, and I, truly, do very willingly frequent their Company: but should I die for it, I would not be one of their number, that is a Point for me of a two-sore prickling Point. Then do not marry (quoth Pan∣tagruel) for without all controversie, this

Sentence of Seneca is infallibly true, What thou to others shalt have done, others will do the like to thee. Do you (quoth Panurge) aver that without all exceptions? Yes, truly, (quoth Pantagruel) without all ex∣ception. Ho, ho (says Panurge) by the Wrath of a little Devil, his meaning is, either in this World, or in the other, which is to come. Yet seeing I can no more want a Wife, then a blind Man his Staff, the Funnel must be in agitation, without which manner of Occupation I cannot live. Were it not a great deal better for me to apply and associate my self to some one honest, lovely, and vertuous Woman, then (as I do) by a new change of Females every Day, run a hazard of being Bastinadoed, or (which is worse) of the Great Pox, if not of both toge∣ther: For never (be it spoken, by their Husbands leave and favour) had I en∣joyment yet of an honest Woman. Mar∣ry then in God's Name, quoth Panta∣gruel. But if (quoth Panurge) it were the Will of God, and that my Destiny did unluckily lead me to marry an ho∣nest Woman who should beat me, I would be stor'd with more than two third parts of the Patience of Iob, if I were not stark mad by it, and quite di∣stracted with such rugged Dealings: for

it hath been told me, that those exceed∣ing honest Women have ordinarily very wicked Head-pieces; therefore is it that their Family lacketh not for good Vi∣negar. Yet in that case should it go worse with me, if I did not then in such sort bang her Back and Breast, so thump∣ingly bethwack her Gillets, to wit, her Arms, Legs, Head, Lights, Liver, and Milt, with her other Intrails, and man∣gle, jag, and flash her Coats, so after the Cross billet fashion, that the greatest Devil of Hell should wait at the Gate for the reception of her damned Soul. I could make a shift for this Year to wave such molestation and disquiet, and be content to lay aside that trouble, and not to be engaged in it.

Do not marry then, answered Panta∣gruel. Yea, but (quoth Panurge) consi∣dering the Condition wherein I now am, out of Debt and Unmarried; mark what I say, free from all Debt, in an ill hour (for were I deeply on the Score, my Cre∣ditors would be but too careful of my Paternity) but being quit, and not mar∣ried, no Body will be so regardful of me, or carry towards me a Love like that which is said to be in a Conjugal Affecti∣on. And if by some mishap I should fall sick, I would be lookt to very waywardly.

The wise Man saith, Where there is no Woman (I mean the Mother of a Family, and Wife in the Union of a lawful Wed∣lock) the Crazy and Diseased are in danger of being ill used, and of having much brab∣ling and strife about them: as by clear Ex∣perience hath been made apparent in the Persons of Popes, Legates, Cardinals, Bi∣shops, Abbots, Priors, Priests and Monks: but there, assure your self, you shall not find me. Marry then in the Name of God, answered Pantagruel. But if (quoth Panurge) being ill at ease, and possibly thrô that Distemper, made unable to discharge the Matrimonial Duty that is incumbent to an active Husband, my Wife, impati∣ent of that drooping Sickness, and faint Fits, of a pining Languishment, should abandon and prostitute herself to the Em∣braces of another Man, and not only then not help and assist me in my ex∣tremity and need, but withal flout at, and make sport of that my grievous Di∣stress and Calamity; or peradventure, (which is worse) imbezzle my Goods, and steal from me, as I have seen it often∣times besal unto the lot of many other Men, it were enough to undo me utterly, to fill brimfull the Cup of my Misfortune, and make me play the Mad-pate Reeks of Bedlam. Do not marry then (quoth

Pantagruel). Yea, but (saith Panurge) I shall never by any other means come to have lawful Sons and Daughters, in whom I may harbour some hope of perpetuating my Name and Arms, and to whom also I may leave and bequeath my Inheritan∣ces and purchased Goods, (of which lat∣ter sort you need not doubt, but that in some one or other of these Mornings, I will make a fair and goodly show) that so I may chear up and make merry, when otherways I should be plunged into a pie∣vish sullen Mood of pensive sullenness, as I do perceive daily by the gentle and lo∣ving Carriage of your kind and gracious Father towards you; as all honest Folks use to do at their own Homes, and private Dwelling-houses. For being free from Debt, and yet not married, if casually I should fret and be angry, although the cause of my Grief and Displeasure were never so just, I am afraid instead of Conso∣lation, that I should meet with nothing else but Scoffs▪ Frumps, Gibes, and Mocks at my disastrous Fortune. Marry then in the Name of God, quoth Pantagruel.