The second book of the works of Mr. Francis Rabelais, Doctor in Physick treating of the heroick deeds and sayings of the good Pantagruel. Written originally in the French tongue, and now faithfully translated into English. By S.T.U.C.

CHAP. XVI. Of the qualities and conditions of Panurge. (Book 16)

PAnurge was of a middle stature, not too high, nor too low, and had somewhat an Aquiline nose, made like the handle of a ra∣sor: he was at that time five and thirty years

old or thereabouts, fine to gild like a leaden dagger; for he was a notable cheater and cony-catcher, he was a very gallant and pro∣per man of his person, only that he was a little leacherous, and naturally subject to a kinde of disease, which at that time they cal∣led lack of money: it is an incomparable grief, yet notwithstanding he had chreescore and three tricks to come by it at his need, of which the most honourable and most ordi∣nary was in manner of thieving, secret pur∣loining and filching; for he was a wicked lewd rogue, a cosener, drinker, royster, ro∣ver, and a very dissolute and debautch'd fel∣low, if there were any in Paris; otherwise, and in all matters else, the best and most ver∣tuous man in the world: and he was still con∣triving some plot, and devising mischief a∣gainst the Serjeants and the watch.

At one time he assembled three or foure especial good hacksters and roaring boyes, made them in the evening drink like Tem∣plers, afterwards led them till they came un∣der St. Genevieve, or about the Colledge of Navarre, and at the houre that the watch was coming up that way, which he knew by putting his sword upon the pavement, and his eare by it, and when he heard his sword shake, it was an infallible signe that the watch was near at that instant: then he and his com∣anions took a tumbrel or dung-cart, and

gave it the brangle, hurling it with all their force down the hill, and so overthrew all the poor watchmen like pigs, and then ran away upon the other▪side; for in lesse then two dayes, he knew all the streets, lanes and turn∣ings in Paris, as well as his Deus det.

At another time he made in some faire place, where the said watch was to passe, a traine of gun-powder, and at the very instant, that they went along, set fire to it, and then made himself sport to see what good grace they had in running away, thinking that St. Antonies fire had caught them by the legs. As for the poor Masters of Arts, he did per∣secute them above all others: when he en∣countered with any of them upon the street, he would not never faile to put some trick or other upon them, sometimes putting the bit of a fried turd in their graduate hoods: At o∣ther times pinning on little fox-tails, or hares∣eares behinde them, or some such other ro∣guish prank. One day that they were appoint∣ed all to meet in the fodder-street, he made a Borbonnesa tart, or filthy and slovenly com∣pound, made of store of garlick, of Assa foe∣tida, of Castoreum, of dogs turds very warm, which he steeped, temper'd and liquifi'd in the corrupt matter of pockie biles, and pestife∣rous botches, and very early in the morning, therewith anointed all the pavement, in such sort, that the devil could not have endured it,

which made all these good people, there to lay up their gorges, and vomit what was up∣on their stomacks before all the world, as if they had flayed the fox; and ten or twelve of them died of the plague, fourteen became lepers, eighteen grew lousie, and above seven and twenty had the pox but he did not care a button for it. He commonly carried a whip under his gowne wherewith he whipt with∣out remission the pages, whom he found car∣rying wine to their Masters, to make them mend their pace. In his coat he had above six and twenty little fabs and pockets alwayes full, one with some lead-water, and a little knife as sharp as a glovers needle, wherewith he used to cut purses: Another with some kinde of bitter stuffe, which he threw into the eyes of those he met: another with clotburrs, penned with little geese or capons feathers, which he cast upon the gowns and caps of honest people: and often made them faire hornes, which they wore about all the City, sometimes all their life. Very often also up∣on the womens French hoods would he stick in the hind-part somewhat made in the shape of a mans member. In another he had a great many little hornes full of fleas and lice, which he borrowed from the beggars of St. Innocent, and cast them with small canes or quills to write with, into the necks of the daintiest Gentlewomen that he could finde,

yea even in the Church, for he never seated himself above in the quire, but alwayes sate in the body of the Church amongst the wo∣men, both at Masse, at Vespres, and at Ser∣mon. In another, he used to have good store of hooks and buckles, wherewlth he would couple men and women together, that sate in company close to one another, but especial∣ly those that wore gownes of crimson taf∣faties, that when they were about to go away, they might rent all their gownes. In another, he had a squib furnished with tinder, matches, stones to strike fire, and all other tackling necessary for it: in another, two or three burning glasses, wherewith he made both men and women sometimes mad, and in the Church put them quite out of counte∣nance; for he said that there was but an An∣tistrophe, or little more difference then of a literal inversion between a woman, folle a la messe, and molle a la fesse; that is, foolish at the Masse, and of a pliant buttock.

In another he had a good deal of needles and thread, wherewith he did a thousand little devillish pranks. One time at the entry of the Palace unto the great Hall, where a certain gray Friar or Cordelier was to say Masse to the Counsellors: He did help to ap∣parel him, and put on his vestments, but in the accoutring of him, he sowed on his alb, surplice or stole to his gowne and shirt, and

then withdrew himself, when the said Lords of the Court, or Counsellors came to heare the said Masse; but when it came to the Ite, missa est, that the poor Frater would have laid by his stole or surplice (as the fashion then was) he plucked off withal both his frock and shirt which were well sowed together, and therby stripping himself up to the very shoul∣ders, shewed his bel vedere to all the world, together with his Don Cypriano, which was no small one, as you may imagine: and the Friar still kept haling, but so much the more did he discover himself, and lay open his back-parts, till one of the Lords of the Court said, How now, what's the matter? will this faire Father make us here an offering of his taile to kisse it? nay, St. Antonies fire kisse it for us. From thenceforth it was ordained that the poor Fathers should never disrobe them∣selves any more before the world, but in their vestry-room, or sextry, as they call it; espe∣cially in the presence of women, lest it should tempt them to the sin of longing, and disor∣dinate desire. The people then asked, why it was the Friars had so long and large genito∣ries? the said Panurge resolved the Probleme very neatly, saying, That which makes Asses to have such great eares, is that their dams did put no biggins on their heads, as Alliac•• mentioneth in his suppositions: by the like rea∣son, that which makes the genitories or gene∣ration-tooles

of those faire Fraters so long is, for that they ware no bottomed breech∣es, and therefore their jolly member having no impediment, hangeth dangling at liberty, as farre as it can reach, with a wigle-wagle down to their knees, as women carry their patinotre beads: and the cause wherefore they have it so correspondently great, is, that in this constant wig-wagging the humours of the body descend into the said member: for according to the Legists, Agitation and conti∣nual motion is cause of attraction.

Item, he had another pocket full of itching powder, called stone-allum, whereof he would cast some into the backs of those women, whom he judged to be most beautiful and stately, which did so ticklishly gall them, that some would strip themselves in the open view of the world, and others dance like a cock upon hot embers, or a drumstick on a taber: others again ran about the streets, and he would run after them▪ to such as were in the stripping veine, he would very civilly come to offer his attendance, and cover them with his cloak, like a courteous and ve∣ry gracious man.

Item, in another he had a little leather bottle full of old oile, wherewith, when he saw any man or woman in a rich new hand∣some suit, he would grease, smutch and spoil all the best parts of it under colour and pre∣tence

of touching them, saying, This is good cloth, this is good sattin, good taffaties; Ma∣dam, God give you all that your noble heart desireth; you have a new suit, pretty Sir; and you a new gown, sweet Mistris, God give you joy of it, and maintain you in all prospe∣rity, and with this would lay his hand upon their shoulder, at which touch such a villain∣ous spot was left behinde, so enormously engraven to perpetuity in the very soule, bo∣dy and reputation, that the devil himself could never have taken it away: Then upon his departing, he would say, Madam, take heed you do not fall, for there is a filthy great hole before you, whereinto if you put your foot, you will quite spoile your self. Ano∣ther he had all full of Euphorbium, very fine∣ly pulverised, in that powder did he lay a faire handkerchief curiously wrought, which he had stollen from a pretty Seamstresse of the Palace, in taking away a lowse from off her bosome, which he had put there himself: and when he came into the company of some good Ladies, he would trifle them into a dis∣course of some fine workmanship of bone∣lace, then immediately put his hand into their bosome, asking them, And this work, is it of Flanders, or of Hainault? and then drew out his handkerchief, and said, Hold, hold, look what work here is, it is of Foutiman or of Fout arabia: and shaking it hard at their nose,

made them sneeze for foure houres without ceasing: in the mean while he would fart like a horse, and the women would laugh and say, How now, do you fart, Panurge? No, no, Madam (said he,) I do but tune my taile to the plain song of the Musick, which you make with your nose. In another he had a picklock, a pellican, a crampiron, a crook, and some other iron tooles, wherewith there was no door nor coffer which he would nor pick open. He had another full of little cups, wherewith he played very artificially, for he had his fingers made to his hand, like those of Minerva or Arachne, and had here∣tofore cried Triacle. And when he changed a teston, cardecu, or any other piece of mo∣ney, the changer had been more subtil then a fox, if Panurge had not at every time made five or six sols, (that is some six or seven pence) vanish away invisibly, openly and ma∣nifestly, without making any hurt or lesion, whereof the changer should have felt nothing but the winde.