The second book of the works of Mr. Francis Rabelais, Doctor in Physick treating of the heroick deeds and sayings of the good Pantagruel. Written originally in the French tongue, and now faithfully translated into English. By S.T.U.C.

CHAP. XIV. How Panurge related the manner how he esca∣ped out of the hands of the Turks. (Book 14)

THe great wit and judgement of Panta∣gruel, was immediately after this made known unto all the world, by setting forth his praises in print, and putting upon record this late wonderful proof he hath gi∣ven thereof amongst the Rolls of the Crown, and Registers of the Palace, in such sort, that every body began to say, that Solomon, who by a probable guesse only, without any fur∣ther certainty, caused the childe to be deli∣vered to its own mother, shewed never in his time such a Master-piece of wisdom, as the good Pantagruel hath done; happy are we therefore that have him in our Countrey. And indeed they would have made him thereupon Master of the Requests, and Pre∣sident in the Court: but he refused all, very graciously thanking them for their offer, for (said he) there is too much slavery in these offices, and very hardly can they be saved that do exercise them, considering the great cor∣ruption that is amongst men: which makes me beleeve, if the empty seats of Angels be

not fil'd with other kind of people then those, we shall not have the final judgement these seven thousand sixty and seven jubilees yet to come; and so Cusanus will be deceived in his conjecture: Remember that I have told you of it, and given you faire advertisement in time and place convenient.

But if you have any hogsheads of good wine, I willingly will accept of a present of that, which they very heartily did do, in sending him of the best that was in the City, and he drank reasonably well, but poor Pa∣n••rge bibbed and bowsed of it most villain∣ously, for he was as dry as a red-herring, as lean as a rake, and like a poor, lank, slender cat, walked gingerly as if he had trod upon egges: so that by some one being admonish∣ed, in the midst of his draught of a large deep bowle, full of excellent Claret, with these words, Faire and softly, Gossip, you suck up as if you were mad: I give thee to the devil, (said he) thou hast not found here thy little tipling sippers of Paris, that drink no more then the little bird called a spink or chaffinch, and never take in their beak ful of liquour, till they be bobbed on the tailes after the manner of the sparrows. O companion, if I could mount up as well as I can get down, I had been long ere this above the sphere of the Moon with Empedocles. But I cannot tell what a devil this meanes. This wine is so

good and delicious, that the more I drink thereof, the more I am athirst; I beleeve that the shadow of my Master Pantagruel, engendereth the altered and thirsty men, as the Moon doth the catarres and defluxions; at which word the company began to laugh: which Pantagruel perceiving, said, Panurge What is that which moves you to laugh so? Sir, said he, I was telling them that these de∣villish Turks are very unhappy, in that they never drink one drop of wine, and that though there were no other harme in all Ma∣homets Alcoran, yet for this one base point of abstinence from wine, which therein is com∣manded, I would not submit my self unto their law. But now tell me, (said Pantagruel) how you escaped out of their hands. By G—Sir (said Panurge) I will not lie to you in one word.

The rascally Turks had broached me upon a spit all larded like a rabbet, (for I was so dry and meagre, that otherwise of my flesh they would have made but very bad meat) and in this manner began to rost me alive. As they were thus roasting me, I recom∣mended my self unto the divine grace, ha∣ving in my minde the good St. Lawrence, and alwayes hoped in God that he would deliver me out of this torment, which came to passe, and that very strangely; for as I did com∣mit my self with all my heart unto God,

crying, Lord God help me, Lord God save me, Lord God take me out of this pain and hellish torture, wherein these traiterous dogs detain me for my sincerity in the mainte∣nance of thy law: the roster or turn-spit fell asleep by the divine will, or else by the ver∣tue of some good Mercury, who cunningly brought Argus into a sleep for all his hundred eyes: when I saw that he did no longer turne me in roasting, I looked upon him, and per∣ceived that he was fast asleep, then took I up in my teeth a firebrand by the end where it was not burnt, and cast it into the lap of my roaster, and another did I throw as well as I could under a field-couche, that was placed near to the chimney, wherein was the straw∣bed of my Master turnspit; presently the fire took hold in the straw, and from the straw to the bed, and from the bed to the loft, which was planked and seeled with firre, after the fashion of the foot of a lamp: but the best was, that the fire which I had cast into the lap of my paultry roaster, burnt all his groine, and was beginning to cease upon his cullions, when he became sensible of the danger, for his smelling was not so bad, but that he felt it sooner then he could have seen day-light: then suddenly getting up, and in a great a∣mazement running to the window, he cried out to the streets as high as he could, dalbaroth, dalbaroth, dalbaroth, which is as much to say

as, Fire, fire, fire: incontinently turning a∣bout, he came streight towards me, to throw me quite into the fire, and to that effect had already cut the ropes, wherewith my hands were tied, and was undoing the cords from off my feet; when the Master of the house hearing him cry, Fire, and smelling the smoke from the very street where he was walking with some other Baashaws and Mustaphaes, ran with all the speed he had to save what he could, and to carry away his Jewels; yet such was his rage (before he could well resolve how to go about it,) that he caught the broach whereon I was spitted, and therewith killed my roaster stark dead, of which wound he died there for want of government or o∣therwise; for he ran him in with the spit a little above the navel, towards the right flank, till he pierced the third lappet of his liver, and the blow flanting upwards from the mid∣riffe or diaphragme, through which it had made penetration, the spit past athwart the pericardium, or capsule of his heart, and came out above at his shoulders, betwixt the spon∣dyls or turning joints of the chine of the back, and the left homoplat, which we call the shoul∣der-blade.

True it is, (for I will not lie,) that in draw∣ing the spit out of my body, I fell to the ground near unto the Andirons, and so by the fall took some hurt, which indeed had

been greater, but that the lardons, or little sli∣ces of bacon, wherewith I was stuck, kept off the blow. My Baashaw then seeing the case to be desperate, his house burnt without re∣mission, and all his goods lost, gave himselfe over unto all the devils in hell, calling upon some of them by their names, Gringoth, Asta∣roth, Rappalus, and Gribouillis, nine several times, which when I saw, I had above six pence worth of feare, dreading that the de∣vils would come even then to carry away this foole, and seeing me so near him would per∣haps snatch me up too: I am already (thought I) halfe rosted, and my lardons, will be the cause of my mischief; for these devils are very lickorous of lardons, according to the authority which you have of the Philosopher Iamblicus and Murmault, in the Apology of Bossuris, adulterated pro magistros nostros: but for my better security I made the signe of the Crosse; crying, Hag••os, athanatos, hotheos, and none came: at which my rogue Baashaw being very much aggrieved, would in trans∣piercing his heart with my spit have killed himself; and to that purpose had set it against his breast, but it could not enter, because it was not sharp enough; whereupon I percei∣ving that he was not like to work upon his bo∣dy the effect which he intended, although he did not spare all the force he had to thrust it forward, came up to him and said, Master Bu∣grino,

thou dost here but trifle away thy time, or rashly lose it, for thou wilt never kill thy self thus as thou doest: well thou mayest hurt or bruise somewhat within thee, so as to make thee languish all thy life-time most pi∣tifully amongst the hands of the Chirurgions; but if thou wilt be counselled by me, I will kill thee clear out-right, so that thou shalt not so much as feel it, and trust me, for I have killed a great many others, who have found themselves very well after it: Ha, my friend, said he, I prethee do so, and for thy paines I will give thee my Codpiece, take, here it is, there are six hundred▪ Seraphs in it, and some fine Diamonds, and most excellent Rubies. And where are they (said Episte∣mon?) By St. Iohn (said Panurge) they are a good way hence, if they alwayes keep going▪ but where is the last yeares snow? this was the greatest care that Villon the Parisien Poet took. Make an end (said Pantagruel) that we may know how thou didst dresse thy Baashaw: By the faith of an honest man (said Panurge) I do not lie in one word, I swadled him in a scurvie swathel-binding, which I found lying there half burnt, and with my cords tied him royster-like both hand and foot, in such sort that he was not able to winse; then past my spit thorough his throat, and hanged him thereon, fastening the end thereof at two great hooks of cramp-irons, upon which they

did hang their Halberds; and then kindling a faire fire under him, did flame you up my Milourt, as they use to do dry herrings in a chimney: with this, taking his budget, and a little javelin that was upon the foresaid hooks, I ran away a faire gallop-rake, and God he knows how I did smell my shoulder of mut∣ton.

When I was come down into the street, I found every body come to put out the fire with store of water, and seeing me so halfe∣roasted, they did naturally pity my case, and threw all their water upon me, which by a most joyful refreshing of me, did me very much good: then did they present me with some victuals, but I could not eat much, be∣cause they gave me nothing to drink but wa∣ter after their fashion. Other hurt they did me none, only one little villainous Turkie knobbreasted rogue, came thiefteously to snatch away some of my lardons, but I gave him such a sturdie thump and sound rap on the fingers, with all the weight of my jave∣lin, that he came no more the second time. Shortly after this, there came towards me a pretty young Corinthian wench, who brought me a box full of Conserves, of round Mi∣rabolan plums, called Emblicks, and looked upon my poor Robin▪ with an eye of great compassion, as it was flea-bitten and pinked with the sparkles of the fire from whence it

came, for it reached no further in length, (be∣leeve me) then my knees; but note, that this roasting cured me entirely of a Sciatick, whereunto I had been subject above seven yeares before, upon that side, which my roast∣er, by falling asleep, suffered to be burnt.

Now whilest they were thus busie about me, the fire triumphed, never ask, How? for it took hold on above two thousand houses, which one of them espying, cried out, say∣ing, By Mahooms belly all the City is on fire, and we do neverthelesse stand gazing here, without offering to make any relief: upon this every one ran to save his own; for my part, I took my way towards the gate. When I was got upon the knap of a little hillock, not farre off, I turned me about as did Lots wife, and looking back, saw all the City burning in a faire fire, whereat I was so glad, that I had almost beshit my selfe for joy: but God punished me well for it: How? said Panta∣gruel: Thus, said Panurge; for when with pleasure I beheld this jolly fire, jesting with my self, and saying, Ha poor flies, ha poor mice, you will have a bad winter of it this yeare, the fire is in your reeks, it is in your bed-straw, out came more then six, yea more then thirteen hundred and eleven dogs great and small, altogether out of the town, flying away from the fire; at the first approach they ran all upon me, being carried on by the

sent of my leacherous half-roasted flesh, and had even then devoured me in a trice, if my good Angel had not well inspired me with the instruction of a remedy, very sovereign a∣gainst the tooth-ache. And wherefore (said Pantagruel) wert thou afraid of the tooth-ache, or paine of the teeth? wert thou not cured of thy Rheumes? By Palme-sunday, (said Panurge) is there any greater pain of the teeth, then when the dogs have you by the legs? but on a sudden, (as my good Angel directed me) I thought upon my lardons, and threw them into the midst of the field a∣mongst them: then did the dogs run, and fight with one another at faire teeth, which should have the lardons: by this means they left me, and I left them also bustling with, and hairing one another. Thus did I escape frolick and lively, grammercie roastmeat and cookery.