The second book of the works of Mr. Francis Rabelais, Doctor in Physick treating of the heroick deeds and sayings of the good Pantagruel. Written originally in the French tongue, and now faithfully translated into English. By S.T.U.C.

CHAP. XII. How the Lord of Suckfist pleaded before Pantagruel. (Book 12)

THen began the Lord Suckfist in manner as followeth: My Lord, and you my masters, if the iniquity of men were as easily seene in categoricall judgement, as we can discerne flies in a milk-pot; the worlds four Oxen had not beene so eaten up with Rats, nor had so many eares upon the earth beene nibled away so scurvily; for although all that my aduersary hath spoken be of a very soft and downy truth, in so much as concernes the Letter and History of the factum: yet neverthelesse the crafty slights, cunning sub∣tilties,

slie cosenages, and little troubling in∣tanglements are hid under the Rose-pot, the common cloak and cover of all fraudulent deceits

Should I endure, that, when I am eating my pottage equall with the best, and that without either thinking or speaking any man∣ner of ill, they rudely come to vexe, trouble, and perplex my braines with that antick Pro∣verb which saith,

Who in his pottage-eating drinks, will not When he is dead and buri'd, see one jot.

and good Lady, how many great Captaines have we seen in the day of battel, when in open field the Sacrament was distributed in lunchions of the sanctified bread of the Con∣fraternity, the more honestly to nod their heads, play on the lute, and crack with their tailes, to make pretty little platforme leaps, in keeping level by the ground: but now the world is unshackled from the corners of the packs of Leycester. One flies out lewdly and becomes debauch't, another likewise five, four and two, and that at such randome, that if the Court take not some course therein, it will make as bad a season in matter of glean∣ing this yeare, as ever it made, or it will make goblets. If any poor creature go to the stoves to illuminate his muzzle with a

Cow-shard, or to buy winter-boots, and that the Serjeants passing by, or those of the watch happen to receive the decoction of a clystere, or the fecal matter of a close-stool, upon their rustling-wrangling-clutter-keep∣ing masterships, should any because of that make bold to clip the shillings and testers, and fry the wooden dishes? sometimes •••••••• we think one thing, God does another; and and when the Sunne is wholly set, all beasts are in the shade: let me never be be∣leeved again, if I do not gallantly prove it by several people that have seen the light of the day.

In the yeare thirty and six, buying a Dutch curtail, which was a middle sized horse, both high and short, of a wool good e∣nough, and died in graine, as the Gold∣smiths assured me, although the Notarie put an &c. in it; I told really, that I was not a Clerk of so much learning as to snatch at the Moon with my teeth; but as for the Butter∣firkin, where Vulcanian deeds and eviden∣ces were sealed, the rumour was, and the re∣port thereof went currant, that salt-beefe will make one finde the way to the wine without a candle, though it were hid in the bottom of a Colliers sack, and that with his drawers on he were mounted on a barbed horse furnished with a fronstal, and such armes, thighs and leg-pieces as are requisite

for the well frying and broyling of a swag∣gering sawcinesse. Here is a sheeps head, and it is well they make a proverb of this, that it is good to see black Cowes in burnt wood, when one attains to the enjoyment of his love. I had a consultation upon this point with my Masters the Clerks, who for resolution concluded in frisesomorum, that there is nothing like to mowing in the sum∣mer, and sweeping clean away in water, well garnished with paper, ink, pens and penknives of Lyons upon the river of Rosne; dolopym do∣lopof, tarabin tarabas, tu•• prut pish: for incon∣tinently after that armour begins to smell of garlick, the rust will go near to eat the liver, not of him that weares it, and then do they nothing else but withstand others courses, and wry-neckedly set up their bristles 'gainst one another, in lightly passing over their after∣noons sleep, and this is that which maketh salt so dear. My Lords, beleeve not, when the said good woman had with bird-lime, caught the shovelar fowle, the better before a Serjeants witnesse, to deliver the younger sons portion to him, that the sheeps pluck, or hogs haslet, did dodge and shrink back in the Usurers purses, or that there could be a∣ny thing better to preserve one from the Cannibals, then to take a rope of onions, knit with three hundred turneps, and a little of a Calves Chaldern of the best allay that

the Alchymists have: provided, that they daub and do over with clay, as also calcinate and burne to dust these pantoffles, muf in muf out; Moustin moustard, with the fine sauce of the juice of the rabble rout, whilest they hide themselves in some petty moldwarp∣hole, saving alwayes the little slices of bacon. Now if the dice will not favour you with a∣ny other throw but ambesace, and the chance of three at the great end, mark well the ace, then take me your dame, settle her in a cor∣ner of the bed, and whisk me her up drille∣trille there there, tourelouralala, which when you have done, take a hearty draught of the best, despicando grenovillibus, in despight of the frogs; whose faire course bebuskined stockins shall be set apart for the little green geese, or mued goslings, which fatned in a coope, take delight to sport themselves at the wagtaile game, waiting for the beating of the mettal, and heating of the waxe by the sla∣vering drivellers of consolation.

Very true it is, that the foure oxen which are in debate, and whereof mention was made, were somewhat short in memory: neverthelesse, to understand the gamme a∣right, they feared neither the Cormorant no•• Mallard of Savoy, which put the good peo∣ple of my countrey in great hope, that their children sometime should become very skil∣ful in Algorisme; therefore is it, that by a

law rubrick and special sentence thereof, that we cannot faile to take the wolfe, if we make our hedges higher then the wind-mill, where∣of somewhat was spoken by the Plaintiffe. But the great Devil did envie it, and by that means put the high Dutches farre behinde, who played the devils in swilling down and tipling at the good liquour, trink meen herr, trink, trink, by two of my table men in the corner-point I have gained the lurch; for it is not probable, nor is there any appearance of truth in this saying, that at Paris upon a little bridge the hen is proportionable: and were they as copped and high-crested as ma∣rish whoops, if veritably they did not sacrifice the Printers pumpet-balls at Moreb, with a new edge set upon them by text letters, or those of a swift-writing hand, it is all one to me, so that the head-band of the book breed not moths or wormes in it. And put the case, that at the coupling together of the buck∣hounds, the little puppies should have wax∣ed proud before the Notarie could have given an account of the serving of his Writ by the Cabalistick Art, it will necessarily follow (un∣der correction of the better judgement of the Court,) that six acres of medow ground of the greatest breadth, will make three butts of fine ink, without paying ready money: considering that at the Funeral of King Charles, we might have had the fathom in

open market for one and two, that is deuce ace: this I may affirm with a safe conscience upon my oath of wooll.

And I see ordinarily in all good bagpipes, that when they go to the counterfeiting of the chirping of small birds, by swinging a broom three times about a chimney, and putting his name upon record, they do nothing but bend a Crossebowe backward, and winde a horne, if perhaps it be too hot, and that by making it fast to a rope he was to draw, im∣mediately after the sight of the letters, the Cowes were restored to him. Such another sentence after the homeliest manner was pro∣nounced in the seventeenth yeare, because of the bad government of Louzefougarouse, whereunto it may please the Court to have regard. I desire to be rightly understood; for truly I say not, but that in all equity, and with an upright conscience, those may very well be dispossest, who drink holy wa∣ter, as one would do a weavers shuttle, where∣of suppositories are made to those that will not resigne, but on the termes of ell and tell, and giving of one thing for another. Tun•• (my Lords) quid juris pro minoribus? for the common custom of the Salick law is such, that the first incendiarie or fire-brand of se∣dition, that flayes the Cow, and wipes his nose in a full consort of musick, without blowing in the Coble•• ••titches, should in the

time of the night-mare sublimate the penury of his member by mosse gathered when peo∣ple are like to foundre themselvs at the messe at midnight, to give the estrapade to these white-wines of Anjou, that do the feat of the leg in lifting it (by horsemen called the Gambetta,) and that neck to neck, after the fa∣shion of Britanie, (concluding as before with costs, damages and interests.

After that the Lord of Suckfist had ended, Pantagruel said to the Lord of Kissebreech, My friend, have you a minde to make any reply to what is said? No, (my Lord) answered Kissebreech; for I have spoke all I intended, and nothing but the truth, therefore put an end for Gods sake to our difference, for we are here at great charge.