The second book of the works of Mr. Francis Rabelais, Doctor in Physick treating of the heroick deeds and sayings of the good Pantagruel. Written originally in the French tongue, and now faithfully translated into English. By S.T.U.C.

CHAP. XI. How the Lords of Kissebreech and Suckfist did plead before Pantagruel without an Atturney. (Book 11)

THen began Kissebreech in manner as followeth; My Lord, it is true, that a good woman of my house, carried egges to the market to sell: Be covered, Kissebreech, said Pantagruel: Thanks to you, my Lord, said the Lord Kissebreech; but to the purpose, there passed betwixt the two tropicks, the summe of three pence towards the zenith,

and a halfpeny, forasmuch as the Riphaean mountaines had been that yeare opprest with a great sterility of counterfeit gudgions, and shewes without substance, by meanes of the babling tattle, and fond fibs, seditiously rai∣sed between the gibblegablers, and Accursian gibberish-mongers, for the rebellion of the Swissers, who had assembled themselves to the full number of the bum-bees, and myrmi∣dons, to go a handsel-getting on the first day of the new yeare, at that very time when they give brewis to the oxen, and deliver the key of the coales to the Countrey-girles, for serving in of the oates to the dogs. All the night long they did nothing else (keep∣ing their hands still upon the pot) but dis∣patch both on foot and horseback, leaden∣sealed Writs or letters, (to wit, Papal Com∣missions commonly called Bulls,) to stop the boats: for the Tailors and Seamsters would have made of the stollen shreds and clippings a goodly sagbut to cover the face of the O∣cean, which then was great with childe of a potfull of cabbidge, according to the opini∣on of the hay-bundle-makers: but the Phy∣sicians said, that by the Urine they could dis∣cern no manifest signe of the Bustards pace, nor how to eat double-tongued mattocks with mustard, unlesse the Lords and Gentle∣men of the Court should be pleased to give by B. mol expresse command to the pox, not

to run about any longer, in gleaning up of Coppersmiths and Tinkers; for the Jober∣nolls had already a pretty good beginning in their dance of the Brittish gig, called the e∣strindore, to a perfect diapason, with one foot in the fire, and their head in the middle, as good man Ragot was wont to say.

Ha (my Masters,) God moderates all things, and disposeth of them at his pleasure, so that against unluckie fortune a Carter broke his frisking whip, which was all the winde-instrument he had: this was done at his return from the little paultry town, even then when Master Amitus of Cresseplots was licentiated, and had past his degrees in all dullerie and blockishnesse, according to this sentence of the Canonists, Beati Dunces, quo∣niam ipsi stumblaverunt. But that which makes lent to be so high, by St. Fiacre of Bry, is for nothing else, but that the Pentecost never comes, but to my cost; yet on afore there hoe, a little rain stills a great winde, and we must think so, seeing that the Serjeant hath propounded the matter so farre above my reach, that the Clerks and Secondaries could not with the benefit thereof lick their fingers feathered with gaunders, so orbicu∣larly, as they were wont in other things to do. And we do manifestly see, that every one acknowledgeth himself to be in the errour, wherewith another hath been charged, re∣serving

only those cases whereby we are ob∣liged to take an ocular inspection in a perspe∣ctive glasse of these things, towards the place in the Chimney, where hangeth the signe of the wine of fourty girths, which have been al∣wayes accounted very necessary for the num∣ber of twenty pannels and pack-saddles of the bankrupt Protectionaries of five yeares respit; howsoever at least he that would not let flie the fowle before the Cheesecakes, ought in law to have discovered his reason why not, for the memory is often lost with a wayward shooing: Well, God keep Theo∣bald Mit ain from all danger. Then said Pan∣tagruel, Hold there: Ho, my friend, soft and faire, speak at leisure, and soberly without putting your self in choler; I understand the case, go on. Now then (my Lord) said Kisse∣breech, the foresaid good woman, saying her gaudez and audinos, could not cover her selfe with a treacherous backblow, ascending by the wounds and passions of the priviledges of the Universitie: unlesse by the vertue of a warming-pan she had Angelically fomented every part of her body, in covering them with a hedge of garden-beds: then giving in a swift unavoidable thirst very near to the place where they sell the old rags, whereof the Painters of Flanders make great use, when they are about neatly to clap on shoes on grashop∣pers, locusts, cigals, and such like flie-fowles,

so strange to us, that I am wonderfully asto∣nished why the world doth not lay, seeing it is so good to hatch.

Here the Lord of Suckfist would have in∣terrupted him and spoken somewhat, where∣upon Pantagruel said unto him, St, by St. Anto∣nies belly, doth it become thee to speak with∣out command? I sweat here with the extre∣mity of labour and exceeding toile I take to understand the proceeding of your mu∣tual difference, and yet thou comest to trouble and disquiet me: peace, in the devils name, peace, thou shalt be permitted to speak thy belly full, when this man hath done, and no sooner. Go on, (said he) to Kissebreech, speak calmly, and do not over-heat your self with too much haste.

I perceiving then (said Kissebreech) that the pragmatical sanction did make no menti∣on of it, and that the holy Pope to every one gave liberty to fart at his own ease, if that the blankets had no streaks, wherein the liars were to be crossed with a ruffian-like crue: & the rain-bow being newly sharpned at Milan to bring forth larks, gave his full consent that the good woman should tread down the heel of the hipgut-pangs, by vertue of a solemn protestation put in by the little testiculated or codsted fishes, which to tell the truth, were at that time very necessary for understand∣ing the syntax and construction of old boots.

Therefore Iohn Calfe her Cosen gervais once removed with a log from the woodstack, ve∣ry seriously advised her not to put her selfe into the hazard of quagswagging in the Lee, to be scowred with a buck of linnen clothes, till first she had kindled the paper: this coun∣sel she laid hold on, because he desired her to take nothing, and throw out, for Non de ponte vadit, qui cum sapientia cadit: matters thus standing, seeing the Masters of the chamber of Accompts, or members of that Com∣mittee, did not fully agree amongst them∣selves in casting up the number of the Al∣manie whistles, whereof were framed those spectacles for Princes, which have been late∣ly printed at Antwerp: I must needs think that it makes a bad return of the Writ, and that the adverse Party is not to be beleeved, in sacer verbo dotis; for that having a great de∣sire to obey the pleasure of the King, I arm∣ed my self from toe to top with belly furni∣ture, of the soles of good venison-pasties, to go see how my grape-gatherers and vinta∣gers had pinked and cut full of small holes their high coped-caps, to lecher it the better, and play at in and in. And indeed the time was very dangerous in coming from the Faire, in so farre that many trained bowe-men were cast at the muster, and quite rejected, al∣though the chimney-tops were high enough, according to the proportion of the wind∣galls

in the legs of horses, or of the Malaun∣ders, which in the esteem of expert Farriers is no better disease, or else the story of Ro∣nypatifam, or Lamibaudichon, interpreted by some to be the tale of a tub, or of a roasted horse, savours of Apocrypha, and is not an authentick history; and by this means there was that yeare great abundance throughout all the countrey of Artois, of tawny buzzing beetles, to the no small profit of the Gentle∣men-great-stick-faggot-carriers, when they did eate without disdaining the cocklicranes, till their belly was like to crack with it again: as for my own part, such is my Christian cha∣rity towards my neighbours, that I could wish from my heart every one had as good a voice, it would make us play the better at the tennis and the baloon. And truly (my Lord) to expresse the real truth without dissimu∣lation, I cannot but say that those petty sub∣tile devices, which are found out in the Ety∣mologizing of patains, would descend more easily into the river of Seine, to serve for e∣ver at the Millars bridge upon the said water, as it was heretofore decreed by the King of the Canarrians, according to the sentence or judgement given thereupon, which is to be seen in the Registry and Records within the Clerks office of this house.

And therefore (my Lord) I do most hum∣bly require, that by your Lordship there may

be said and declared upon the case what is reasonable, with costs, damages, and inte∣rests. Then said Pantagruel, My friend, is this all you have to say? Kissebreech answer∣ed, Yes, (my Lord) for I have told all the tu∣autem, and have not varied at all upon mine honour in so much as one single word. You then, (said Pantagruel) my Lord of Suckfist; say what you will, and be brief, without omit∣ting neverthelesse any thing that may serve to the purpose.