Pantagruel's voyage to the oracle of the bottle being the fourth and fifth books of the works of Francis Rabelais, M.D. : with the Pantagruelian prognostication, and other pieces in verse and prose by that author : also his historical letters ... : never before printed in English / done out of French by Mr. Motteux ; with explanatory remarks on every chapter by the same hand.

The Fourth BOOK OF PANTAGRƲEL.

CHAP. I. How Pantagruel went to Sea, to Visit the Oracle of Bacbuc, alias the Ho∣ly Bottle.

IN the Month of June, on Vesta's Holy∣days, the very numerical day on which Brutus, conquering Spain, taught its strutting Dons to truckle under him, and that niggardly Miser Crassus was routed and knock'd on the head by the Parthians, Pantagruel took his leave of the good Gargan∣tua, his Royal Father. The old Gentleman, according to the laudable Custom of the Pri∣mitive Christians, devoutly pray'd for the happy Voyage of his Son and his whole Com∣pany, and then they took Shipping at the

Port of Thalassa. Pantagruel had with him Panurge, Fryar Jhon des Entomeures, alias, of the Funnels, Epistemon, Gymnast, Eusthenes, Rhizotome, Carpalin, cum multis aliis, his anci∣ent Servants and Domestics. Also Xenoma∣nes, the great Traveller, who had cross'd so many dangerous Roads, Dikes, Ponds, Seas, and so forth, and was come sometime before, having been sent for by Panurge.

For certain good Causes and Considerati∣ons him thereunto moving, he had left with Gargantua and marked out, in his Great and Universal Hydrographical Chart, the Course which they were to steer to Visit the Oracle of the Holy Bottle, Bacbuc. The number of Ships was such as I described in the Third Book, Convoyed by a like number of Trire∣mes, Men of War, Gallions and Feluccaes well Rigg'd, Caulkt, and Stor'd with a good quan∣tity of Pantagruelion.

All the Officers, Droggermen, Pilots, Captains, Mates, Boatswains, Mid-Ship∣men, Quarter-Masters and Sailers, met in the Thalamege, Pantagruel's principal Flag-Ship, which had in her Stern a huge large Bottle, half Silver well polish'd, the other Half Gold, Inamel'd with Carnation, whereby it was easie to guess that white and red were the colours of the Noble Travellers, and that they went for the Word of the Bottle.

On the Stern of the Second was a Lant∣horn like those of the Antients, industriously

made with Diaphanous Stone, implying that they were to pass by Lanternland. The Third Ship had for her Devise a fine deep China Ewre. The Fourth, a double handed Jar much like an ancient Urn. The Fifth, a famous Kin made of Sperm of Emerald. The Sixth, a Monk's Murnping Bottle made of the four Mettals together. The Seventh, an Ebony Funnel all imboss'd and wrought with Gold after the Tauchic manner. The Eighth, an Ivy Goblet very precious, inlaid with Gold. The Ninth, a Cup of fine Obriz Gold. The Tenth, a Tumbler of Aroma∣tic Agaloch (you call it Lignum aloes) edg'd with Cyprian Gold, after the Azemine make. The Eleventh, a Golden Vine-Tub of Mo∣zaic work. The Twelfth a Runlet of unpo∣lish'd Gold, covered with a small Vine of large Indian Pearl of Topiarian work. Inso∣much that there was no Man, however in the Dumps, musty, sower look'd, or Melanchollic he were, not even excepting that blubbering Whiner Heraclitus, had he been there▪ but, see∣ing this Noble Convoy of Ships and their De∣vises, must have been seized with present glad∣ness of Heart, and smiling at the Conceit, have said that the Travellers were all honest Topers, true Pitcher-men, and have judged by a most sure Prognostication, That their Voyage both outward and homeward bound, would be performed in Mirth and perfect Health.

In the 〈◊〉〈◊〉 where was the general 〈◊〉〈◊〉, Pantag••••••l 〈◊〉〈◊〉 a sh••r•• but sweet Exhortation, w••••ly ••••k'd with Au••••o••••••is from 〈…〉〈…〉 a N••••igation; which ••••∣ving ended, with 〈…〉〈…〉 Prayers were said in 〈…〉〈…〉 of ••ll the Burgh••••s of 〈◊〉〈◊〉, who had flock'd to the Mole to see 〈…〉〈…〉 Shipping. After the Prayers, was melodiously sung a Psalm of the Holy Kings David, whi••h ••••gins, W••en Israel went out of Aeg••pt; and that being ended, Ta∣bles were plac'd upon D••••k, and a Feast spee∣dily serv'd up. The T••••a••••ssians who had al∣so born a Chorus in the Psalm, caus'd store of belly-Timber to be brought out of their Houses. All drank to them, they drank to all; which was the cause that none of the whole Company gave up what they had ea∣ten, nor were Sea-sick with a pain at the Head and Stomach, which inconveniency they could not so easily have prevented by drinking, for some time before, Salt water either alone or mixt with Wine, using Quinces, Citron∣peel, Juice of Pomgranats, s••wrish Sweet-Meats, fasting a long time, covering their Stomachs with Paper; or following such other idle Remedies, as foolish Physicians prescribe to those that go to Sea.

Having often renewed their Tiplings, each Mother's Son retired on board his own Ship, and set Sail all so fast with a merry Gale at South East, to which point of the Compass

the Chief Pilot James B••••••er by Name, had shap'd his Course, and fixt all things ac∣cordingly. For seeing that the Oracle of the Holy Bottle lay near Catay, in the upper India, his advice and that of Xe••••manes also, was, not to steer the Course which the Portu∣g••se use, while sayling through the T••rr•••• Z••ne▪ and Cape Bona Speranza at the S••••••h point of ••••••ck beyond the Equinoctial Line, and losing sight of the Northern Pole their Guide, they make a prodigious long Voyage; but rather to keep as near the Parallel of the said India as possible, and to tack to the Westard of the said Pole, so that winding under the North, they might find themselves in the Latitude of the Port of Olone without coming nearer it for fear of being shut up in the Fro∣zen Sea; whereas following this Canonical Turn by the said Parallel, they must have that on the right to the Eastward, which at their departure was on their left.

This prov'd a much shorter Cut▪ for without Ship-wreck, Danger, or loss of Men, with uninterrupted good Weather, except one day near the Island of the Macre••ns, they per∣form'd in less than four Months the Voyage of Upper India, which the Portuguese, with a thousand Inconveniencies and innumerable Dangers, can hardly compleat in three Years. And it is my Opinion, with Submission to better Judgments, that this Course was per∣haps steered by those Indians who Sail'd to

Germany▪ and were honourably received by the King of the Swedes, while Quintus Metel•• Ce••er was Proconsul of the Gauls, as Cor•• Nepos, Pomponius Mela, and Pliny after the•• tell us.

CHAP. II. How Pantagruel bought many Rarities in the Island of Medamothy.

THat day and the two following, they neither discovered Land nor any thing new; for they had formerly Sailed that way; but on the fourth they made an Island called Medamothy, of a fine and delightful Prospect, by reason of the vast number of Light-Houses and high Marble Towers in its Circuit, which is not less than that of Canada. Pantagruel, enquiring who Govern'd there, heard that it was King Philophanes, absent at that time up∣on account of the Marriage of his Brother Philotheamon with the Infanta of the Kingdom of Engys.

Hearing this, he went ashoar in the Harbour, and while every Ship's Crew Water'd, pass'd his time in viewing divers Animals, Fishes, Birds, and other exotic and foreign Merchandises which were along the Walks of the Mole, and in the Markets of the Port. For it was the third day of the great and famous Fair of the Place, to which the chief Merchants of Africa and Asia resorted. Out of these Fry∣ar Jhon bought him two rare Pictures, in one of which, the Face of a Man that

brings in an Appeal, was drawn to the Life, and in the other, a Servant that wants a Ma∣ster, with every needful Particular, Action, Countenance, Looks, Gate, Feature and D••portment, being an Original, by Master Charles Charmo••s, Principal Painter to King Megistus; and he paid for them in the Court Fashion, with Congé and Grimace. Panurge bought a large Picture copied and done from the Needle-Work formerly wrought by Pl••∣••••mela, shewing to her Sister Progue how her Brother-in Law Tere••s had by force hansel••'d her Copy-hold, and then cut out her Tongue, that she might not (as Women will) tell tales. I vow and swear by the handle of my Paper Lanthorn, that it was a gallant, a mi••ific, nay a most admirable P••••ce. Nor do you think, I pray you, that in it was the Picture of a Man playing the Beast with two Backs with a Female, this had been too sil∣ly and gross; no, no; 'twas another-guise thing, and much plainer. You may if you please, see it at Theleme on the left hand, as you go into the high Gallery. Epistem••n bought another wherein were painted to the Life, the Ideas of Plato and the At••ms of E∣picurus. Rizotome purchased another, wherein Echo was drawn to the Life. Pantagruel caused to be bought by Gymnast, the Life and Deeds of Achilles in seventy eight pieces of Tape∣stry four Fathom long and three Fathom broad, all of Phrygian Silk imbo••s'd with Gold

and Silver; the Work beginning at the Nup∣tials of Peleus and Thetis, continuing to the Birth of Achilles; his Youth described by Statius Papinius; his Warlike Atchievements celebrated by Homer; his Death and Exe∣quies written by Ovid and Quintus Calaber; and ending at the appearance of his Ghost, and Polyxene's Sacrifice Rehearsed by Euripi∣des.

He also caused to be bought three fine young Unicorns; one of them a Male of a Chesnut colour, and two grey dappled Females; also a Tarand whom he bought of a Scythian of the Geloni's Country.

A Tarand is an Animal as big as a Bul∣lock, having a Head like a Stag, or a little bigger, two stately Horns with large Bran∣ches, cloven Feet, Hair long like that of a Furr'd Muscovite, I mean a Bear, and a Skin almost as hard as Steel Armor. The Scythian said that there are but few Tarands to be found in Scythia, because it varieth its colour according to the diversity of the places where it grazes and abides, and represents the colour of the Grass, Plants, Trees, Shrubs, Flowers, Meadows, Rocks, and generally of all things near which it comes. It hath this common with the Sea Pulp, or Polypus, with the Thoes, with the Wolves of India, and with the Chamaelion which is a kind of a Lizard so wonderful, that Democritus hath written a whole Book of its

Figure, and Anatomy, as also of its Vi•••• and Propriety in Magick. This I can •• firm, that I have seen it change its colour not only at the approach of things that have a colour, but by its own voluntary impulse, according to its fear or other affections: •• for example, upon a green Carpet, I have seen it certainly become green; but having remain'd there some time, it turn'd yellow, blue, tann'd, and purple in course, in the same manner as you see a Turky Cock's Comb change colour according to its Passions. But what we found most surprizing in this Tarand, is, that not only its Face and Skin, but also its Hair could take whatever co∣lour was about it. Near Panurge with his Kersy Coat, its Hair used to turn gray; near Pantagruel with his Scarlat Mantle, its Hair and Skin grew red; near the Pilot drest after the fashion of the Isiacs of Anubis in Aegypt, its Hair seem'd all white; which two colours the Chamaelion can't borrow.

When the Creature was free from any fear or affection, the colour of its Hair was just such as you see that of the Asses of Meung.

CHAP. III. How Pantagruel received a Letter from his Father Gargantua, and of the strange way to have speedy News from far distant places.

WHile Pantagruel was taken up with the Purchace of those foreign Animals, the noise of ten Guns and Culverins, toge∣ther with a loud and joyful Cheer of all the Fleet was heard from the Mole. Pantagruel look'd towards the Haven, and perceived that this was occasioned by the Arrival of one of his Father Gargantua's Celoces, or Advice-Boat named the Chelidonia, because on the Stern of it, was Carv'd in Corin∣thian Brass a Sea Lark, which is a Fish as large as a Dare-fish of Loire, all Flesh and no Bone, with cartilaginous Wings (like a Batt's) very long and broad, by the means of which, I have seen them fly about three Fa∣thom above Water about a Bow-shot. At Marseillis 'tis call'd Lendole. And indeed that Ship was as light as a Lark, so that it rather seem'd to fly on the Sea than to Sail. Mali∣••••rn, Gargantua's Esq Carver, was come in her, being sent expresly by his Master to have an Account of his Son's Health and Circumstan∣ces, and to bring him Credentials. When M••••••corn had Saluted Pantagruel, before the

Prince opened the Letters, the first thing he said to him, was, Have you here the Gozal, the Heavenly Messenger? Yes, Sir, said he, here it is swadled up in this Basket. It was a grey Pigeon taken out of Gargantua's Dove-House, whose youngones were just hatch'd when the Advice-Boat was going off.

If any ill Fortune had befallen Pantagruel, he would have fastened some black Ribbon to its Feet; but because all things had succeeded happily hitherto, having caus'd it to be un∣drest, he ty'd to its Feet a white Ribbon, and without any further delay, let it loose. The Pigeon presently flew away cutting the Air with an incredible speed, as you know that there is no flight like a Pigeon's, especially when it hath Eggs or Young Ones, through the extream care which Nature hath fixt in it to relieve, and be with its Young; insomuch, that in less than two hours it compass'd in the Air, the long Tract which the Advice Boat with all her diligence, with Oars and Sails, and a fair Wind, had gone through in no less than three Days and three Nights, and was seen (as it went into the Dove-House) in its Nest. Whereupon Gargantua hearing that it had the white Ribbon on, was joyful and secure of his Son's wellfare. This was the Custom of the Noble Gargantua and Pan∣tagruel, when they would have speedy News of something of great Concern, as the event of some Battel either by Sea or Land;

the Surrendring or Holding out of some strong Place; the determination of some dif∣ference of Moment; the safe or unhappy Delivery of some Queen or great Lady; the Death or Recovery of their sick Friends or Allies, and so forth. They used to take the Gozal, and had it carried from one to ano∣ther by the Post, to the places whence they desir'd to have News. The Gozal bearing either a black or white Ribbon, according to the Occurrences and Accidents, us'd to re∣move their doubts at its return, making in the space of one hour, more way through the Air, than thirty Post-Boys could have done in one natural day. May not this be said to redeem and gain time with a vengeance, think you? For the like Service therefore, you may believe as a most true thing, that, in the Dove-Houses of their Farms, there were to be found all the year long, store of Pigeons hatching Eggs or rearing their young. Which may be easily done in Aviaries and Voleries, by the help of Saltpeter and the Sacred Herb Vervain.

The Gozal being let fly, Pantagruel perus'd his Father Gargantua's Letter, the Contents of which were as followeth.

My Dearest Son,

THe Affection that naturally a Father bears a beloved Son, is so much encreased in me, 〈◊〉〈◊〉 reflecting on the particular Gifts which by the Divine Goodness have been heaped on thee, that since 〈◊〉〈◊〉 Departure, it hath often banished all other Thoughts out of my Mind; leaving my Heart wholly possess'd with fear, lest some misfo••tune has attended thy Voyage: for thou knowest that fear was ever the attendant of true and sincere Love. Now because (as H••••••od saith) A good begin∣ning of any thing is the half of it; or, well beg••••'s ha•••• done, according to the old saving; to free my Mind from this anxiety, I have ex∣p••esly dispatched Malicorn, that he may give me a true account of thy Health at the beginning of thy Voyage. For if it be good, and such as I wish it, I shall easily foresee the rest.

I have met with some diverting Books, which the Bearer will deliver thee, thou mayst read them when thou want••st to unbend and ease thy Mind from thy better Studies: He will also give thee at large the News at Court. The Peace of the Lord be with thee. Remember me to Panurge, Fryer Jhon, Epistemon, Xenomanes, Gym∣nast, and thy other principal Domesticks. Da∣ted at our Paternal Seat this 13th day of June. Thy Father and Friend,

Gargantu••.

CHAP. IV. How Pantagruel writ to his Father Gargantua, and sent him several Curiosities.

PAntagruel having perused the Letter, had a long Conference with the Esquire Ma∣l••••••, insomuch, that Panurge at last in∣terrupting them, ask'd him, Pray, Sir, when do you design to drink? When shall we drink? When shall the Worshipful Esquire drink? What a Devil have you not talk'd long e∣n••ugh to drink? 'Tis a good motion, an∣swered Pantagruel, go, get us something rea∣dy at the next Inn; I think 'tis the Centaur. In the mean time he writ to Gargantua as followeth, to be sent by the aforesaid Esquire.

Most Gracious Father,

AS our Senses and Animal Faculties are more discompos'd at the News of Events unexpe∣cted, tho desir'd (even to an immediate dissolution of the Soul from the Body) than if those accidents had ••••en foreseen; so the coming of Malicorn hath much surprized and disordered me. For I had no hopes to see any of your Servants, or to ••ear from you, before I had finished our Voyage,

and contented my self with the dear remembrance of your August Majesty, deeply impress'd in the hindmost Ventricle of my Brain, often represen∣ting you to my Mind.

But since you have made me happy beyond expectation, by the perusal of your Graci••us Letter, and the Faith I have in your Esquire hath reviv'd my Spirits by the News of your well∣fare; I am as it were compell'd to do what for∣merly I did freely, that is, first to praise the Blessed Redeemer, who by his Divine Goodness pre∣serves you in this long enjoyment of perfect Health; then to return you eternal Thanks for the fervent Affection which you have for me your most hum∣ble Son and unprofitable Servant.

Formerly a Roman, named Furnius, said to Augustus who had received his Father into Fa∣vour, and Pardoned him after he had sided with Anthony, that by that Action the Emperor had reduc'd him to this extremity, That for want of power to be Grateful, both while he lived and after it, he should be obliged to be tax'd with Ingratitude: So I may say, That the excess of your Fatherly Affection, drives me into such a streight, that I shall be forced to li••e and die ungrateful; unless that Crime be redress••d by the Sentence of the Stoicks, who say, That there are three parts in a Benefit, the one of the Giver, the other of the Receiver, the third of the Remunerator; and that the Re∣ceiver rewards the Giver when he freely re∣ceives the Benefit, and always remembers it;

as on the contrary, That Man is most un∣grateful who despises and forgets a Benefit. Therefore, being overwhelmed with infinite Favours, all proceeding from your extream goodness, and on the other side wholly uncapable of making the smallest Return, I hope at least to free my self from the imputation of Ingratitude, since they can never be blotted out of my Mind; and my Tongue shall ne∣ver cease to own, that, to thank you as I ought, transcends my Capacity.

As for us, I have this assurance in the Lord's Mercy and Help, that the end of our Voyage will be answerable to its beginning, and so it will be entirely performed in Health and Mirth. I will not fail to set down in a Journal a full Account of our Navigation, that at our return, you may have an exact Relation of the whole.

I have found here a Scythian Tarand, an Ani∣mal strange and wonderful for the variations of colour on its Skin and Hair, according to the di∣stinction of neighbouring things: It is▪ a•• tracta∣ble and easily kept as a Lamb; be pleased to ac∣cept of it.

I also send you three young Ʋnicorns, which are the tamest of Creatures.

I have confer'd with the Esquire, and taught him how they must be fed; these cannot graze on the Ground, by reason of the long Horn on their Fore-head, but are forced to brouze on Fruit-Trees, or on proper Racks, or to be fed by Hand with Herbs, Sheaves, Apples, Pears, Barly, ••ye, and other Fruits, and Roots being plac'd before them.

I am amazed that Ancient Writers should re∣port them to be so Wild, Furious and Dan∣gerous, and never seen alive: far from it, you will find that they are the mild••st things in the World, provided they are not maliciously offended. Likewise, I send you the Life and Deeds of Achil∣les in curious Tapistry; assuring you that whatever Rarities of Animals, Plants, Birds, or precious Stones, and others, I shall be able to find and pur∣chase in our Travels, shal be brought to you, God milling, whom I beseech by his blessed Grace, to preserve you. From Medamothy, this 16th of June. P••nurge, Fryar Jhon, Epist••mon, Xenomanes, Gymnast, Eusthenes, Rhiz••∣tome, and Carpalim, having most humbly kiss'd your Hand, return your Salute a thousand times. Your most Dutiful Son and Servant,

Pantagruel.

While Pantagruel was writing this Letter, Malicorn was made welcom by all with a thousand goodly Good-Morows and How∣d••y's; they c••u••g about him so, that I cannot tell you how much they made of him, how many Humble Services, how many from my Love and to my Love were lent with him. Pantagruel having writ his Let∣ters sat down at Table with him, and after∣wards presented him with a large Chain of Gold weighing eight hundred Crowns; be∣tween

whose Septenary Li••••s, some large Diamonds, Rubies, Emeralds, Turky Stones, and Unions were alternatively set in. To each of his Bark's Crew, he ordered to be given five hundred Crowns. To Gargantua his Father, he sent the Tarand covered with a Cloth of Gold, br••caded with Sattin, and the Tapistry containing the Life and Deeds 〈◊〉〈◊〉 Achilles, with the three Unicorns in ••riz'd Clo••h of Go••d Trappings. And so th••y l••••t Medamothy. Malicorn to return to Gargan∣tu••; Pantagruel to proceed in his Voyage, during which, Epistemon read to him the ••••••ks which the Esquire had brought: And because he found them jovial and pleasant, I shall give you an Account of them, i•• you earnestly desire it.

CHAP. V. How Pantagruel met a Ship with Passengers returning from Lantern-Land.

ON the fifth day we began already to wind by little and little about the 〈◊〉〈◊〉, going still farther from the Equinoctial 〈◊〉〈◊〉

we discovered a Merchant Man to the Wind ward of us. The joy for this was not smal on both sides, in hopes to hear News from Sea, and those in the Merchant-Man from Land. So we bore upon 'em, and coming up with them, we Hal'd them, and finding them to be Frenchmen of Xaintonge, back'd our Sails and lay by to talk to them. Pantagruel heard that they came from Lantern-Land, which added to his joy, and that of the whole Fleet. We enquir'd about the State of that Country, and the way of living of the Lanterns, and were told, that about the latter end of the following July, was the time prefix'd for the meeting of the General Chap∣ter of the Lanterns; and that if we arrived there at that time, as we might easily, we should see a Handsom, Honourable, and Jolly Company of Lanterns, and that great Preparations were making, as if they intend∣ed to Lanternise there to the purpose. We were told also, That if we touch'd at the great Kingdom of Gebarin, we should be Honourably received and Treated by the Sovereign of that Country, King Ohabé, who as well as all his Subjects, speaks T••urame French.

While we were listening to these News, Panurge fell out with one Dingdong a Drover o•• Sheep-Merchant of Tailleb••urg. The occa∣sion of the Fray was thus.

This same Dingdong seeing Panurge without a Codpiece, with his Spectacles fastened to his Cap, said to one of his Comrades, Prithee, look, is not there here a fine Medal of a Cuc∣kold? Panurge by reason of his Spectacles, as you may well think, heard more plainly by half with his Ears than usually; which caused him (hearing this) to say to the sawcy Dealer in Mutton, in kind of a Pet;

How the Devil should I be one of the Hornified Fraternity, since I am not yet a Brother of the Marriage Noose, as thou art, as I guess by thy ill-favoured Phyz?

Yea verily, quoth the Grazier, I am Mar∣ried, and would not be otherwise for all the pairs of Spectacles in Europe; nay, not for all the Magnifying Gim-Cracks in Africa; for I have got me the Cleverest, Prettiest, Handsomest, Properest, Neatest, Tightest, Honestest, and Soberest piece of Woman's Flesh for my Wife, that is in all the whole Country of Xaintonge, I'll say that for her, and a Fart for all the rest. I bring her home a fine and eleven inch long branch of Red Coral, for her Christmass-Box, what hast thou to do with it? What's that to thee? Who art thou? Whence comest thou, O dark Lanthorn of Antichrist? Answer if thou art of God? I ask thee, by the way of Que∣stion, said Panurge to him very seriously, if with the Consent and Countenance of all the Elements, I had Gingumbob'd, Codpiec'd, and

Thumpthumpriggledtickledtwid••'d thy so Cle∣ver, so Pretty, so Handsom, so Proper, so Neat, so Tight, so Honest, and so Sober Female Im∣portance, insomuch, that the Stiff Deity that has no fore-cast, Priapus, (who dwells here at Liberty, all Subjection of fastened Codpieces or Bolts, Bars, and Locks, Abdicated) re∣main'd sticking in her Natural Christmass-Box in such a lamentable manner, that it were never to come out, but Eternally should stick there, unless thou didst pull it out with thy Teeth; what wouldst thou do? Wouldst thou everlastingly leave it there, or wouldst thou pluck it out with thy Grinders? An∣swer me, O thou Ram of Mahomet, since thou art one of the Devil's Gang. I would, re∣ply'd the Sheep-Monger, take thee such a woundy cut on this Spectacle-bearing Lug of thine, with my trusty Bilbo, as would smite thee dead as a Herring. Thus having ta∣ken Pepper in the Nose, he was lugging out Sword; but alas, Curs'd Cows have short Horns, it stuck in the Scabbard; as you know that at Sea, cold Iron will easily take rust, by reason of the excessive and Nitrous moistness. Panurge so smitten with Terror, that his Heart su••k down to his Midriff, scower'd off to Pantagruel for help: But Fryar Jhon laid hand on his slashing Scymiter that was new ground, and would certainly have dispatch'd Dingdong to rights, had not the Skip∣per and some of his Passengers beseech'd Panta∣gruel

not to suffer such an out rage to be com∣mitted on Board his Ship. So the matter was made up, and Panurge and his Antagonist shak'd Fists, and drank in course to one ano∣ther, in token of a perfect Reconciliation.

CHAP. VI. How the Fray being over, Panurge Cheapened one of Dingdong's Sheep.

THis Quarrel being hush'd, Panurge tipp'd the wink upon Epistemon and Friar Jhon, and taking them aside; Stand at some distance out of the way, said he, and take your share of the following Scene of Mirth; you shall have rare sport anon, if my Cake ben't Dough, and my Plot do but take. Then addressing himself to the Dro∣ver, he took off to him a Bumper of good Lantern Wine. The other pledg'd him brisk∣ly and courteously. This done, Panurge ear∣nestly entreated him to sell him one of his Sheep: But the other answered him, Is it come to that, Friend and Neighbour, would you put tricks upon Travellers? Alas, how

finely you love to play upon poor Folk! Nay, you seem a rare Chapman, that's the truth on't. Oh what a mighty Sheep-Merchant you are! In good faith you look liker one of the Diving Trade than a buyer of Sheep. Adzookers, what a Blessing it would be to have ones Purse well lin'd with Chink near your Worship at a Tripe-House when it begins to thaw! Humph, Humph, did not we know you well, you might serve one a slippery trick! Pray do but see, good People, what a mighty Conjurer the fellow would be reckon'd. Patience, said Panurge; but waving that, be so kind as to sell me one of your Sheep, come, how much? What do you mean, Master of mine, answered the other? They are long Wool Sheep, from these did Jason take his Golden Fleece. The Gold of the House of Burgundy was drawn from them. Zwoons, Man, they are Oriental Sheep, Topping Sheep, Fatted Sheep, Sheep of Quality. Be it so, said Panurge, but sell me one of them, I beseech you, and that for a cause, paying you ready Money upon the Nail, in good and lawful Occidental Currant Cash; wilt say how much? Friend, Neighbour, answered the Seller of Mutton, hark'e me a little, on the other Ear.

Panurge.

On which side you please; I hear you.

Dingdong.

You are a going to Lantern-Land, they say.

Panurge.

Yea verily.

Ding.

To See Fashions?

Panurge.

Even so.

Ding.

And be Merry?

Panurge.

And be Merry.

Ding.

Your Name is as I take it, Robin Mutton?

Panurge.

As you please for that, sweet Sir.

Ding.

Nay, without offence.

Panurge.

So I would have it.

Ding.

You are, as I take it, the King's Jester, are n't you?

Panurge.

Ay, ay, any thing.

Ding.

Give me your Hand, — humph, humph, you go to see Fashions, you are the King's Jester, your Name is Robin Mutton! Do you see this same Ram? His Name too is Robin. Here Robin, Robin, Robin? Baea, Baea, Baea, hath he not a rare Voice?

Panurge.

Ay marry has he, a very fine and harmonious Voice.

Ding.

Well, this bargain shall be made between you and me, Friend, and Neighbour, we will get a pair of Scales, then you Robin Mutton shall be put into one of them, and Tup Robin into the other. Now I'll hold you a Peck of Busch Oysters, that in Weight, Value, and Price, he shall outdo you, and you shall be found light in the very numerical manner, as when you shall be Hang'd and Suspended.

Patience, said Panurge, but you would do

〈…〉〈…〉 your who••e Posterity, if you would Chaster with me for him, or some other of his Inferiors. I beg it of you; good your Worship, be so kind. Hark'e, Friend of mine, answered the other, with the Fleece of these your fine Roan Cloth is to be made, your Lemster superfine Wooll is mine A••se to't; meer Flock in comparison: Of their Skin the best Cordivant will be made, which shall be sold for Turky and Montel••mart, or for Spanish Leather at least. Of the Guts shall be made Fiddle and Harp Strings, that will sell as dear as if they came from Munican or Aquileia. What do you think on't, hah? If you please, sell me one of them, said Pa∣nurge, and I am yours for ever. Look, here's ready Cash. What's the Price? This he said, exhibiting his Purse stuffed with new Henricuses.

CHAP. VII. Which if you read, you'll find how Pa∣nurge bargain'd with Dingdong.

NEighbour, my friend, answer'd Ding∣dong, they are meat for none but Kings and Princes; their Flesh is so de∣licate, so Savory, and so dainty, that One would swear, it melted in the Mouth. I bring them out of a Country where the very Hogs, God be with us, live on no∣thing but mirabolans. The Sows in their Styes when they ly in, (saving the ho∣nour of this good Company) are fed only with Orange Flowers. But, said Panurge, drive a Bargain with me for one of them, and I will pay you for't like a King, upon the honest Word of a true Trojan: come come, what do you ask? Not so fast, Robin, answer'd the Trader, these Sheep are li∣neally descended from the very family of the Ram that wafted Phrixus and Helle over the Sea, since call'd the Hellespont. A Pox on't, said Panurge, you are Clericus vel addiscens! Ita is a Cabbage, and Verè a Leek, answered the Merchant. But rr, rrr, rrrr, rrrrr, hoh Robin, rr, rrrrrrr, you don't understand that Gibberish, do you? Now I think on't, over all the fields, where

they piss, Corn grows as fast as if the Lord had piss'd there; they need nei∣ther be till'd, nor dung'd. Besides, Man, your Chymists extract the best Saltpeter in the World out of their Urin: nay with their very Dung (with reverence be it spoken,) the Doctors in our Country make Pills that cure seventy eight kinds of Di∣seases, the least of which is the Evil of St. Eutropius of Xaintes, from which good Lord deliver us! Now what do you think on't, Neighbour, my Friend? The truth is, they cost me money, that they do! Cost what they will, cry'd Panurge, trade with me for one of them, paying you well. Our friend, quoth the quack-like Sheep-man, do but mind the wonders of Nature that are found in those Animals, even in a member which one would think were of no use. Take me but these horns, and bray them a little with an Iron-pestle, or with an An∣diron, which you please, 'tis all one to me; then bury them whereever you will, provided it be where the Sun may shine, and water them frequently; in a few months I••le engage you will have the best Asparagus in the World, not even ex∣cepting those of Ravenna. Now come and tell me whether the horns of you other Knights of the Bulls Feather, have such a virtue and wonderful propriety?

Patience, said Panurge. I don't know whe∣ther you be a Scholar or no, pursued Ding∣dong: I have seen a World of Scholars, I say great Scholars that were cuckolds, I'le assure you. But hark you me, if you were a Scholar, you should know that in the most inferiour members of those Ani∣mals (which are the feet,) there is a bone (which is the heel) the Astragalus, if you will have it so, wherewith, and with that of no other Creature breathing, except the Indian Ass, and the Dorcades of Libya, they us'd in old times to play at the Royal game of Dice, whereat Augustus the Emperour won above fifty thousand Crowns one Evening. Now such Cuckolds as you will be hang'd e're you get half so much at it. Patience, said Panurge, but let us dis∣patch. And when, my Friend and Neigh∣bour, continu'd the canting Sheep-seller, shall I have duely prais'd the inward Members, the Shoulders, the Legs, the Knuckles, the Neck, the Breast, the Liver, the Spleen, the Tripes, the Kidneys, the Bladder, wherewith they make Foot-balls, the Ribs, which serve in Pigmy-land to make little Cross-bows to pelt the Cranes with Cherry-stones, the Head which with a little Brimstone serves to make a miracu∣lous decoction to loosen and ease the bel∣ly of costive Dogs. A Turd on't, said the Skipper to his preaching Passinger, what

a fidle fadle have we here? There is too long a Lecture by half, sell him one if thou wilt; if thou won't, don't let the Man lose more time. I hate a gibble gabble and a rimble ramble Talk, I am for a Man of Brevity. I will for your sake, reply'd the Holder-forth: but then he shall give me three Livers French Money for each, and pick and chuse. 'Tis a woun∣dy Price, cry'd Panurge, in our Country I could have five, nay six for the Money; see that you do not overreach me, Master. You are not the first Man whom I have known, to have fallen, even sometime to the indangering, if not breaking of his own Neck, for endeavouring to rise all at once. A Murrain seize thee for a blockheaded Boo∣by, cry'd the angry seller of Sheep; by the worthy vow of our Lady of Charroux: the worst in this Flock is four times bet∣ter than those which the Coraxians in Tui∣tania, a Country of Spain, us'd to sell for a Gold Talent each; and how much dos'st thou think, thou Hyberinan Fool, that a Talent of Gold was worth? Sweet Sir, you fall into a Passion I see, return'd Panurge: Well hold, here is your Money. Panurge having paid his Money, chose him out of all the Flock a fine topping Ram, and as he was hawling it along crying out and bleat∣ing, all the rest hearing and bleating in Con∣sort star'd, to see whither their brother-Ram

should be carried. In the mean while the Drover was saying to his Shepherds: Ah! How well the Knave could chuse him out a Ram, the whoreson has skill in Cattle; on my honest Word I reserv'd that very piece of Flesh, for the Lord of Cancale, well knowing his disposition; for the good Man naturally is overjoy'd when he holds a good siz'd handsom shoulder of Mutton, in stead of a left-handed racket in one hand, with a good sharp Carver in the other; got wot how he belabours himself then.

CHAP. VIII. How Panurge caus'd Dingdong and his Sheep to be drowned in the Sea.

ON a Sudden, you would wonder how the thing was so soon done; for my Part I can't tell you, for I had not leisure to mind it; our friend Panurge without any further tittle tattle, throws you his Ram over board into the middle of the Sea bleat∣ing and making a sad noise. Upon this all the other Sheep in the Ship crying and bleating in the same tone, made all the hast they could to leap nimbly into the Sea one after another, and great was the throng who should leap in first after their Leader. It was impossible to hinder them; for you know that it is the Nature of Sheep always to follow the first, wheresoever it goes; which makes Aristotle lib. 9. de hist. animal. mark them for the most silly and foolish Animals in the World. Dingdong at his wit's End, and stark staring Mad like a Man who saw his Sheep destroy and drown themselves before his Face, strove to hinder and keep them back with might and main, but all in vain; they all one after t'other

f••isk'd and jump'd into the Sea, and were lost: At last he laid hold on a huge sturdy one by the fleece upon the deck of the Ship, hoping to keep it back, and so to save that and the rest; but the Ram was so strong that it proved too hard for him, and carried its Master into the Herring-Pond, in spight of his Teeth; where 'tis supposed he drank somewhat more than his Fill: So that he was drowned, in the same manner, as one eyed Polyphemus's Sheep carried out of the Den Ʋlysses and his Companions: The like happen'd to the Shepherds and all their gang, some laying hold on their beloved Tup, this by the horns, t'other by the Legs, a third by the Rump, and others by the fleece; till in fine they were all of them forc'd to Sea, and drowned like so many Rats. Panurge on the gunnel of the Ship with an Oar in his hand, not to help them, you may swear, but to keep them from swimming to the Ship, and saving them∣selves from drowning, preach'd and canted to them all the while like any little Fry∣ar Maillard, or another Fryar John Bur∣gess, laying before them Rhetorical com∣mon places concerning the miseries of this Life, and the blessings and felicity of the next; assuring them that the Dead were much happier than the Living in this vale of misery, and promising to erect a stately Cenotaphe and Honorary Tomb to every

one of them on the highest Summit of Mount Cenis at his return from Lantern land; wishing them nevertheless, in case they were not yet dispos'd to shake hands with this Life, and did not like their salt Liquor, they might have the good luck to meet with some kind Whale which might set them ashore safe and sound, on some bless'd Land of Gotham after a famous example.

The Ship being clear'd of Dingdong and his Tups: Is there ever another sheepish Soul left lurking on board, cryed Panurge? where are those of Toby Lamb, and Robin Ram that sleep whilst the rest are a feeding? Faith I can't tell my self. This was an old coaster's Trick: What think'st thou of it, Fryar Ihon; hah? Rarely perform'd, answer'd Fryar Ihon, only methinks that as formerly in War on the day of Battle, a double Pay was commonly promis'd the Soldiers for that Day; for if they overcame, there was enough to pay them; and if they lost, it would have been shameful for them to demand it, as the cowardly Foresters did after the Battle of Cerizoles: Likewise, my Friend, you ought not to have paid your Man, and the Mony▪ had been sav'd. A Fart for the Money, said Panurge, have I not had above fifty thousand pounds worth of sport? Come now, let's begon, the Wind is fair, hark you me, my Friend Ihon, Never did Man do me a good Turn but I return'd

or at least acknowledg'd it: No, I scorn to be ungrateful, I never was, nor ever will be: Never did Man do me an ill one without rueing the Day that he did it, either in this World or the next. I am not yet so much a fool neither. Thou damn'st thy self like any old Devill, quoth Fryar Ihon, It it written Mihi vindictam, &c. matter of breviary, Mark ye me; that's holy stuffe.

CHAP. IX. How Pantagruel Arrived at the I∣sland of Ennasin, and of the strange ways of being akin in that Country.

WE had still the Wind at South South West, and had been a whole day with∣out making Land. On the third day at the Flyes up-rising, which, you know, is some two or three hours after the Sun's, we got sight of a Triangular Island very much like Sicily for its Form and Situation. It was called the Island of Alliances.

The People there are much like your Car∣rot-pated Poitevins, save only that all of them, Men, Women, and Children, have their Noses

shap'd like an Ace of Clubs. For that rea∣son the ancient Name of the Country was Ennasin. They were all akin, as the Mayor of the place told us, at least they boasted so.

You People of the other World, esteem it a wonderful thing, that, out of the Family of the Fabii at Rome, on a certain day, which was the 13th of February, at a certain Gate, which was the Porta Carmentalis, since nam'd Scelerata, formerly situated at the foot of the Capitol, between the Tarpeian Rock and the Ty∣ber, March'd out against the Veientes of Etru∣ria, three hundred and six Men bearing Arms, all related to each other, with five thousand other Soldiers every one of them their Vassals, who were all slain near the River Cremera that comes out of the Lake of Beccano. Now from this same Country of Ennasin in case of need, above three hun∣dred thousand all Relations, and of one Fa∣mily, might March out. Their degrees of Consanguinity and Alliance are very strange, for being thus akin and allied to one another, we found that none was either Father or Mother, Brother or Sister, Uncle or Aunt, Nephew or Neece, Son-in-Law or Daughter-in-Law, God-Father or God-Mother to the other, unless truly, a tall flat-nos'd old fellow, who, as I perceiv'd, call'd a little shitten-ars'd Girl of three or four years old, Father, and the Child call'd him Daugh∣ter.

Their distinction of degrees of Kindred was thus, a Man us'd to call a Woman my Lean Bit▪ the Woman call'd him my Porpus. Those, said Fryar Jhon, must needs stink damnably of Fish, when they have rub'd their Bacon one with t'other. One smiling on a young bucksom Baggage, said, good morrow dear Curry-Comb: she to return him his Civi∣lity, said, the like to you my Steed. Hah! Hah! Hah! said Panurge, that's pretty well i'faith, for indeed it stands her in good stead to Curry-comb this Steed. Another greeted his Buttock with a farewel, my Case: she re∣ply'd, adieu Tryal. By St. Winifred••s Placket, cry'd Gymnast, this Case has been often try'd. Another ask'd a she Friend of his, how is't, Hatchet? she answer'd him, at your service, dear Helve. Odds Belly, saith Carpalin, this Helve and this Hatchet are well march'd. As we went on, I saw one who, calling his she Relation, styl'd her my Crum, and she call'd him my Crust.

Quoth one to a brisk, plump, juicy Fe∣male, I am glad to see you, dear Tap: so am I to find you so merry, sweet Spiggot, re∣ply'd she. One call'd a Wench his Shovel, she call'd him her Peal. One nam'd his, my Slipper, and she him, my Foot. Another my Boot, she my Shasoon.

In the same degree of Kindred, one call'd his, my Butter, she call'd him, my Eggs, and they were akin just like a dish of Butter'd Eggs.

I heard one call his, my Tripe, and she him, my ••••ggot. Now I could not for the Hearts Blood of me pick out or discover what Pa∣rentage, Alliance, Affinity, or Consanguini∣ty was between them, with reference to our Custom, only they told us, that she was Fag∣gots Tripe. [Tripe de Faggot, means the smallest sticks in a Faggot.] Another Complemen∣ting his Convenient, said, yours, my Shell; she reply'd, I was yours before, sweet Oyster. I reckon, said Carpalim, she hath gutted his Oyster. Another long shank'd ugly Rogue mounted on a pair of high-heel'd Wooden Slippers, meeting a strapping, fusty squobb'd Dowdy, says he to her, how'st my Top? she was short upon him, and arrogantly reply'd, ne∣ver the better for you, my Whip. By St. Anthony's Hog, said Xenomanes, I believe so, for how can this Whip be sufficient to lash this Top.

A College Professor well provided with Cod, and poudered and prink'd up, having a while discoursed with a great Lady, taking his leave, with these words, Thank you Sweet Meat; she cry'd, there needs no thanks, Sower Sauce. Saith Pantagruel, this is not al∣together incongruous, for sweet Meat must have sower Sawce. A Wooden Logger∣head said to a young Wench, 'tis long since I saw you Bag, all the better, cry'd she, Pipe. Set 'em together, said Panurge, then blow in their Arses, 'twill be a Bag-pipe. We saw

after that, a diminutive hump-back'd Gallant, pretty near us, taking leave of a she Relation of his, thus, Fare thee well, Friend Hole; she repartee'd, save thee, Friend Peg. Quoth Fryar Jhon, what could they say more, were he all Peg and she all Hole: But now would I give something to know if every Crany of the Hole can be stop'd up with that same Peg.

A baudy Batchelor talking with an old Trout, was saying, remember it, Rusty Gun. I won't fail, said she, Scowrer. Do you reckon these two to be akin, said Pantagruel to the Mayor? I rather take them to be Foes; in our Country a Woman would take this as a mortal affront. Good People of t'other World, reply'd the Mayor, you have few such and so near Relations as this Gun and Scowerer are to one another; for they both came out of one Shop. What, was the Shop their Mother, quoth Panurge? What Mother said the Mayor, does the Man mean? That must be some of your Worlds Affinity; we have here neither Fa∣ther nor Mother: Your little paultry fellows that live on t'other side the Water, poor Rogues, Booted with wisps of Hay, may in∣deed have such, but we scorn it. The good Pantagruel stood gazing and listning, but at those words he had like to have lost all Pa∣tience; 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉. M.

Having very exactly viewed the Situa∣tion of the Island, and the way of living of the Ennased Nation, we went to take a Cup

of the Creature at a Tavern where there hap∣pen'd to be a Wedding after the manner of the Country, bating that shocking Custom, there was special good Chear.

While we were there, a pleasant Match was struck up bewixt a Female call'd Pear (a tight thing as we thought, but by some who knew better things, said to be quaggy and flabby) and a young soft Male, call'd Cheese, somewhat sandy. In our Country indeed we say, Il ne fut one tel marriage, qu'est de la Poire & du Fremage, There's no Match like that made between the Pear and the Cheese; and in many other places good store of such Bargains have been driven. Besides, when the Women are at their last Prayers, 'tis to this day a noted saying, That after Cheese comes nothing.

In another Room I saw them marrying an old greasy Boot to a young pliable Buskin. Pantagruel was told, that young Buskin took old Boot to have and to hold, because she was of special Leather, in good case and wax'd, sear'd, liquor'd and greas'd to the purpose, even though it had been for the Fisherman that went to Bed with his Boots on. In ano∣ther Room below I saw a young Brogue ta∣king a young Slipper for better for worse: Which, they told us, was neither for the sake of her Piety, Parts, or Person, but for the fourth comprehensive P. Portion; the Spankers, Spur Royals, Rose-Nobles, and

other Coriander Seed with which she was quilted all over.

CHAP. X. How Pantagruel went ashoar at the Island of Chely, where he saw King St. Panigon.

WE sail'd right before the Wind which we had at West, leaving those odd Alliancers with their Ace of Clubs Snouts, and having taken height by the Sun, stood in for Chely, a large Fruitful, Wealthy and well Peopled Island. King St. Panigon first of the Name Reign'd there, and attended by the Princes his Sons, and the Nobles of his Court, came as far as the Port to receive Pantagruel, and conducted him to his Palace, near the Gate of which, the Queen attended by the Princesses her Daughters and the Court Ladies received us. Panigon directed her and all her Retinue to salute Pantagruel and his Men with a Kiss; for such was the Civil Custom of the Country, and they were all fairly buss'd accordingly, except Fryar Jhon, who stept aside and sneak'd off among the King's Officers. Panigon us'd all the entreaties imaginable, to perswade Pantagruel to tarry there that day and the next, but he would needs be gone, and excus'd himself upon the opportunity of

Wind and Weather, which being oftener de∣sir'd than enjoy'd, ought not to be neglected when it comes. Panigon having heard these reasons, let us go, but first made us take off some five and twenty or thirty Bumpers each.

Pantagruel returning to the Port, miss'd Fryar Jhon, and ask'd why he was not with the rest of the Company? Panurge could not tell how to excuse him, and would have gone back to the Palace to call him, when Fryar Jhon overtook them, and merrily cry'd, Long live the Noble Panigon, as I love my Belly, he minds good Eating, and keeps a Noble House, and a dainty Kitchin; I have been there, Boys, every thing goes about by do∣zens, I was in good hopes to have stuffed my Puddings there like a Monk▪ What! al∣ways in a Kitchin, Friend? (said Panta∣gruel.) By the Belly of St. Cramcapon, quoth the Fryar, I understand the Customs and Ceremonies which are used there, much bet∣ter than all the formal Stuff, antick Postures, and nonsensical Fidlefadle that must be us'd with those Women, magni, magna, Shitten∣cumshita, Cringes, Grimaces, Scrapes, Bowes, and Congées; double Honours this way, tripple Salutes that way, the Embrace, the Grasp, the Squeese, the Hug, the Leer, the Smack, baso los manos de vostra merce, de vo∣stra Maesta. You are most tarabin, taraba••▪ Stront, that's down right Dutch, why all this

ado? I don't say but a Man might be for a bit by the by and away, to be doing as well as his Neighbours; but this little nasty Cringing and Curtising made me as mad as any March Devil. You talk of kissing La∣dies; by the Worthy and Sacred Frock I wear, I seldom venture upon't, lest I be serv'd as was the Lord of Guyercharcis. What was it? said Pantagruel, I know him; he is one of the best Friends I have.

He was invited to a Sumptuous Feast; said Fryar Jhon, by a Relation and Neighbour of his, together with all the Gentlemen and La∣dies in the Neighbourhood. Now some of the latter, expecting his coming, drest the Pa∣ges in Womens Cloths, and finified them like any Babies, then order'd them to meet my Lord at his coming, near the Draw-bridge; so the Complementing Monsieur came, and there kiss'd the Petticoated Lads with great formality. At last the Ladies who minded passages in the Gallery, burst out with laughing, and made signs to the Pages to take off their dress; which the good Lord having observed, the Devil a bit he durst make up to the true La∣dies to kiss them, but said, That since they had disguis'd the Pages, by his Great Grand-father's Helmet, these were cer∣tainly the very Foot-men and Grooms still more cunningly disguis'd. Ods Fish, da Ju∣rand••, why do not we rather remove our humanities into some good warm Kitchin

of God, that Noble Laboratory? and there admire the turning of the Spits, the harmo∣nious rattling of the Jacks and Fenders, cri∣ticise on the Position of the Lard, the tempera∣ture of the Potages, the preparation for the Dessert, and the order of the Wine Service? Beati Immaculati in via, matter of Breviary, my Masters.

CHAP. XI. Why Monks love to be in Kitchins.

THIS, said Epistemon, is spoke like a true Monk I mean like a right M••nking Monk, not a bemonk'd monastical Monkling. Truly you put me in mind of some passages that happen'd at Florence some twenty Years ago in a Company of studi∣ous Travellers, fond of visiting the Learned, and seeing the Antiquities of Italy, among whom I was. As we view'd the situation and beauty of Florence, the structure of the Dome, the Magnificence of the Churches, and Palaces, We strove to outdo one another in giving them their due; when a cer∣tain Monk of Amiens, Bernard Lardon by name, quite angry, scandaliz'd, and out of all

Patience, told us, I don't know what the Devill you can find in this same Town, that's so much to be cry'd up; For my Part, I have look't and por'd and stared as well as the best of you, I think my Eye sight's as clear as another body's, and what can one see after all? There are fine Houses indeed, and that's all. But the Cage does not feed the Birds: God and Monsieur St. Bernard our good Patron be with us, in all this same Town I have not seen one poor Lane of roasting Cooks, and yet I have not a little look'd about, and sought for so necessary a part of a Com∣monwealth; Ay, and I dare assure you that I have pry'd up and down with the ex∣actness of an Informer; as ready to num∣ber both to the right and left how many and on what side we might find most roa∣sting Cooks, as a Spy would be to reckon the Bastions of a Town: Now at Amiens, in four, nay five times less ground than we have trod in our contemplations, I could have shown you above fourteen Streets of roa∣sting Cooks, most ancient, Savoury, and Aromatic. I can't imagin what kind of plea∣sure you can have taken in gazing on the Lyons, and Africans (so methinks you call their Tigers) near the Belfrey, or in ogling the Porcupines and Estridges, in the Lord Phi∣lip Strozzi's Palace. Faith and Troth, I had rather see a good fat Goose at the Spit.

This Porphyry, those Marbles are fine: I say nothing to the contrary, but our Cheescakes at Amiens are far better in my mind: These antient Statues are well made; I am willing to believe it; but by St. Ferreol of Abbeville, we have young Wenches in our Country which please me better a thousand times.

What is the reason, ask'd Fryar Ihon, that Monks are always to be found in Kitchins; and Kings, Emperours and Popes are never there? Is there not, said Rhizotome, some latent Vertue and specific propriety hid in the Kettles, and Pans, which as the Load-stone attracts Iron, draws the Monks there, and cannot attract Emperors, Popes, or Kings? or is it a natural induction and inclination••, fix'd in the frocks and cowles, which of it self leads and forceth those good Religious Men into Kitchins, whether they will or no? He would speak of forms following matter, as Averr••es names them, answer'd Epistemon: Right, said Fryar Ihon.

I'll not offer to solve this problem, said Pantagruel; for it is somewhat ticklish, and you can hardly handle it without coming off scurvily, but I'll tell you what I have heard.

Antigonus King of Macedon one day com∣ing into one of the Tents, where his Cooks use to dress his Meat, and finding there Poet Antagoras frying a Conger, and holding the pan himself, merrily ask'd him,

Pray, Mr. Poet, was Homer frying Congers when he writ the Deeds of Agamemnon? Anta∣goras readily answer'd; But do you think, Sir, that when Agamemnon did them, he made it his business to know if any in his Camp were frying Congers? The King thought it an Indecency that a Poet should be thus a frying in a Kitchin; and the Poet let the King know that it was a more indecent thing for a King to be found in such a place: I'll clap another story upon the Neck of this, quoth Panurge, and will tell you what Briton Villandray answer'd one day to the Duke of Guise.

They were saying that at a certain Battle of King Francis against Charles the Fifth, Briton arm'd Capape to the Teeth, and moun∣ted like St. George; yet sneack'd off, and play'd least in sight during the Ingagement. Blood and Oons, answer'd Briton, I was there and can prove it easily; nay, even where▪ you, my Lord, dar'd not have been. The Duke be∣gan to resent this as too rash and sawcy; But Briton easily appeas'd him, and set them all a laughing. I gad, my Lord quoth he, I kept out of harm's way; I was all the while with your Page Jack sculking in a certain place where you had not dar'd hide your head as I did. Thus discoursing they got to their Ships, and left the Island of Chely.

CHAP. XII How Pantagruel pass'd by the Land of Petifogging, and of the strange way of living among the Catch∣poles.

STeering our course forwards the next day we pass'd by Pettifogging, a Country all blurr'd and blotted, so that I could hardly tell what to make on't. There we saw some Pettifoggers and Catchpoles, Rogues that will hang their Father for a Groat. They neither invited us to eat or drink, but with a multiplyed train of scrapes and crin∣ges said they were all at our service, for the Legem pone.

One of our Droggermen related to Pan∣tagruel their strange way of living, diame∣trically oppos'd to that of our modern Romans: for at Rome a world of Folks get an honest livelyhood by Poysoning, Drubbing, Lamba∣sting, Stabbing and Murthering; but the Catchpoles earn theirs by being Thrash'd, so that if they were long without a tight Lambasting, the poor Dogs with their Wives and Children would be starv'd. This is just, quoth Panurge, like those who, as Galen tells us, cannot erect the Cavernous nerve

towards the Equinoctial Circle, unless they are soundly flogg'd. By St. Patrick's Slipper, who ever should jirk me so, would soon in stead of setting me right, throw me off the Saddle, in the Devils Name.

The way is this, said the Interpreter, when a Monk, Levite, close fisted Usurer or Lawyer owes a grudge to some neighbor∣ing Gentleman, he sends to him one of those Catchpoles or Apparitors, who nabs, or at least cites him, serves a Writ or Warrant upon him; thumps, abuses and affronts him impu∣dently by natural instinct, and according to his pious instructions; in so much that if the Gentleman hath but any guts in his Brains, and is not more Stupid than a Girin Frog, he will find himself oblig'd either to apply a faggot-stick or his sword to the Rascal's Jobbornol, give him the gentle lash, or make him cut a caper out at the Win∣dow by way of Correction. This done, Catchpole is rich for four Months at least, as if Bastinadoes were his real harvest; for the Monk, Levite, Usurer or Lawyer will re∣ward him roundly, and my Gentleman must pay him such swindging damages, that his acres may bleed for't, and he be in danger of miserably rotting within a stone Doublet, as if he had struck the King.

Quoth Panurge, I know an excellent re∣medy against this; us'd by the Lord of Basché; what is it? said Pantagruel. The

Lord of Basché, said Panurge, was a brave honest noble-spirited Gentleman, who at his return from the long war in which the Duke of Ferrara, with the help of the French, brave∣ly defended himself against the fury of Pope Julius the II. was every day cited, warn'd and prosecuted at the Suit and for the Sport and Fancy of the fat Prior of St. Louant.

One morning as he was at breakfast with some of his Domestics (for he lov'd to be some∣times among them,) he sent for one Loir his Baker and his Spouse, and for one Oudart the Vicar of his Parish, who was also his Butler, as the custome was then in France; then said to them before his Gentleman and other Servants: You all see how I am daily plagu'd with these rascally Catchpoles, truly if you do not lend me your helping hand, I am finally resolv'd to leave the Country, and go fight for the Sultan, or the Devill, rather than be thus eternally tees'd. There∣fore to be rid of their damn'd Visits, here∣after, when any of them come here, be ready you Baker and your Wife, to make your personal appearance in my great Hall in your wedding Cloaths, as if you were go∣ing to be affianc'd; here take these Ducats which I give you to keep you in a fitting Garb. As for you, Sir Oudart, be sure you make your personal appearance there in your fine Surplice and Stole, not forgetting your

Holy Water, as if you were to wed them. Be you there also, Trudon, said he to his Drummer, with your Pipe and Taber. The form of Ma∣trimony must be read, and the Bride kiss'd, then all of you, as the Witnesses use to do in this Country, shall give one another the remem∣brance of the Wedding, (which you know is to be a blow with your Fist, bidding the Partie struck remember the Nuptials by that token) this will but make you have the better Stomach to your Supper: But when you come to the Catchpole's turn, thrash him thrice and three fold, as you would a Sheaf of green Corn, don't spare him, maul him, drub him, lambast him, swinge him off, I pray you. Here take these Steel Gantlets covered with Kid, Head, Back, Belly, and Sides, give him blows innumerable; he that gives him most, shall be my best Friend. Fear not to be call'd to an account about it, I'll stand by you; for the blows must seem to be given in jest, as it is Custo∣mary among us at all Weddings.

Ay, but how shall we know the Catch∣pole, said the Man of God, all sorts of Peo∣ple daily resort to this Castle? I have taken care of that, reply'd the Lord. When some fellow either on foot or on a scurvy Jade, with a large broad Silver Ring on his Thumb comes to the door, he is certainly a Catchpole: The Porter having civilly let him in, shall ring the Bell, then be all ready, and come into the Hall, to act the Tragi-Comedy,

whose Plot I have now laid for you.

That numerical day, as Chance would have it, came an old fat ruddy Catchpole; having knock'd at the Gate, and then piss'd, as most Men will do, the Porter soon found him out, by his large greasy Spatterdashes, his Jaded hollow flank'd Mare, his Bag full of Writs and Informations dangling at his Girdle, but above all, by the large Silver hoop on his left Thumb.

The Porter was civil to him, admitted him in kindly, and rung the Bell briskly. As soon as the Baker and his Wife heard it, they clapt on their best Clothes, and made their personal appearance in the Hall, keeping their Gra∣vities like a new made Judge. The Domine put on his Surplice and Stole, and as he came out of his Office, met the Catchpole, had him in there, and made him suck his Face a good while, while the Gantlets were draw∣ing on all hands, and then told him, you are come just in Pudding time, my Lord is in his right Cue; we shall feast like Kings anon, here's to be swindging doings, we have a Wedding in the House, here, drink and cheer up, pull away.

While these two were at it hand to fist, Basché, seeing all his People in the Hall in their proper Equipage, sends for the Vicar. Oudart comes with the Holy Water Pot, fol∣low'd by the Catchpole, who as he came in∣to the Hall, did not forget to make good

store or aukward Cringes, and then serv'd Basché with a Writ. Basché gave him Grimace for Grimace, slipt an Angel into his Mutton Fist, and pray'd him to asist at the Contract and Ceremony. Which he did. When it was ended, Thumps and Fisticuffs began to fly about among the Assistants; but when it came to the Catchpole's turn, they all lay'd on him so unmercifully with their Gantlets, that they at last settled him, all stunn'd, and bat∣ter'd, bruis'd and mortify'd, with one of his Eyes black and blue, eight Ribs bruis'd, his Brisket sunk in, his Omoplates in four quarters, his under Jaw-bone in three pieces, and all this in jest and no harm done. God wot how the Levite belabour'd him, hiding with∣in the long Sleeve of his Canonical Shirt, his huge Steel Gantlet lin'd with Ermin, for he was a strong built Ball, and an old Dog at Fisticuffs. The Catchpole all of a Bloody Tyger-like hue, with much ado, crawl'd home to l'Isle Bouchart, well pleas'd and edify'd however with Basché••s kind recep∣tion, and with the help of the good Surgeons of the place, liv'd as long as you'd have him. From that time to this not a word of the business; the memory of it was lost with the sound of the Bells that rung for Joy at his Funeral.

CHAP. XIII. How, like Master Francis Villon, the Lord of Basché commended his Ser∣vants.

THe Catchpole being pack'd off on blind Sorrel (so he call'd his one Ey'd Mare) Basché sent for his Lady, her Women and all his Servants into the Arbour of his Garden; had Wine brought, attended by good store of Pasties, Hams, Fruit, and other Table-Ammunition for a Nuncion, drank with them joyfully, and then told them this Story.

Master Francis Villon in his old Age, retir'd to St. Maixent in Poitou, under the Patronage of a good honest Abbot of the place. There to make sport for the Mob, he undertook to get the Passion acted after the way and in the Dialect of the Country. The parts being distributed, the Play having been rehears'd, and the Stage prepar'd, he told the Mayor and Aldermen, that the Mystery might be ready after Niort Fair, and that there only wanted Properties and necessaries, but chiefly Clothes fit for the parts; so the Mayor and his Brethren took care to get them.

Villon, to dress an old Clownish Father Grey Beard, who was to represent God the Father,

begg'd of Fryar Stephen Tickletoby, Sacri∣stan to the Franciscan Fryars of the place, to lend him a Cope and a Stole. Tickletoby re∣fus'd him, alledging that by their Provincial Statutes, it was rigorously forbidden to give or lend any thing to Players▪ Villon reply'd, That the Statute reached no farther than Farces, Drolls, Anticks, loose and dissolute Games, and that he ask'd no more than what he had seen allow'd at Brussels and other places. Tickletoby, notwithstanding, peremptorily bid him pro∣vide himself elsewhere if he would, and not to hope for any thing out of his Monastical Wardrobe. Villon gave an account of this to the Players, as of a most abominable action, adding, that God would shortly re∣venge himself, and make an example of Tickletoby.

The Saturday following he had notice gi∣ven him, that Tickletoby upon the Filly of the Convent (so they call a young Mare that was never leap'd yet) was gone a Mumping to St. Ligarius, and would be back about two in the afternoon. Knowing this, he made a Cavalcade of his Devils of the Passion through the Town. They were all rigg'd with Wolves, Calves, and Rams Skins, lac'd and trim'd with Sheeps Heads, Bulls Feathers, and large Kitchin Tenter-Hooks, girt with broad Leathern Girdles, whereat hang'd dangling huge Cow Bells and Horse Bells which made a horrid din. Some held in their

Claws black Sticks full of Squibs and Crackers, others had long lighted pieces of wood, upon which at the corner of every street they flung whole handfuls of Rosin dust, that made a terrible fire and smoak: having thus led them about, to the great diversion of the Mob, and the dreadful fear of little Children, he finally carried them to an entertainment at a Summer-House without the Gate that leads to St. Ligarius.

As they came near the place, he spy'd Tickletoby afar off, coming home from Mump∣ing, and told them in Maceronic Verse,

Hic est Mumpator natus de gente Cucowli, Qui solet antiquo scrappas portare * 3.1 bisacco.

A Plague on his Fryarship (said the Devils then) the lowsy Beggar would not lend a poor Cope to the Fatherly Father, let us fright him. Well said, cry'd Villon; but let us hide our selves till he comes by, and then change home briskly with your Squibs and burning Sticks. Tickletoby being come to the place, they all rush'd on a sudden into the Road to meet him, and in a frightful manner threw fire from all sides upon him and his Filly Foal, ringing and tingling their Bells, and howling like so many real Devils, hho, hho, hho, hho, brrou, rrou, rrourrs, r••rourrs hoo, hou, hou, hho, hho, hhoi, Fryar Ste∣phen,

don't we play the Devils rarely? The Filly was soon scar'd out of her seven Senses, and began to start, to funk it, to squirt it, to trot it, to fart it, to bound it, to gallop it, to kick it, to spurn it, to calcitrate it, to winse it, to frisk it, to leap it, to curvet it, with double Jirks, and bum-motions; in so much that she threw down Tickletoby, tho' he held fast by the Tree of the Pack-Saddle with might and main: now his Straps and Stirrups were of Cord, and on the right side, his Sandal was so entangled and twisted, that he could not for the Hearts blood of him get out his foot. Thus he was dragg'd about by the Filly through the Road, scratching his bare Breech all the way, she still multiplying her kicks against him, and straying for fear, over Hedge and Ditch; in so much that she tre∣pan'd his thick Skull so, that his Cockle Brains were dash'd out near the Osanna or High Cross. Then his Arms fell to pieces, one this way, and t'other that way, and even so were his Legs serv'd at the same time: Then she made a bloody havock with his Puddings, and being got to the Convent, brought back only his right Foot and twisted Sandal, leaving them to guess what was become of the rest.

Villon seeing that things had succeded as he intended, said to his Devils, you will Act rarely, Gentlemen Devils, you will Act rare∣ly; I dare engage you'll top your Parts. I defie the Devils of Saumur, Douay, Montmoril∣lon,

Langez, St. Espain, Angers; nay, by Gad, even those of Poictiers, for all their bragging and vapouring, to match you.

Likewise, Friends, said Basché, I foresee, that hereafter you will act rarely this Tragical Farce, since the very first time you have so skilfully hamper'd, bethwack'd, belamm'd, and bebump'd the Catchpole. From this day I double your Wages. As for you, my Dear (said he to his Lady) make your Grati∣fications as you please; you are my Treasurer, you know. For my part, first and foremost, I drink to you all. Come on, box it about, 'tis good and cool. In the second place, you, Mr. Steward, take this Silver Bason, I give it you freely. Then, you, my Gentleman of the Horse, take these two Silver gilt Cups, and let not the Pages be Horse-whip'd these three Months. My Dear, let them have my best white Plumes of Feathers with the Gold Buckles to them. Sir Oudart, this Sil∣ver Flaggon falls to your share: this other I give to the Cooks. To the Valets de Cham∣bre, I give this Silver Basket; to the Grooms this Silver gilt Boat; to the Porter these two Plates: to the Hostlers these ten Por∣ringers. Trudon, take you these Silver Spoons and this Sugar-Box. You Footmen, take this large Salt. Serve me well, and I'll re∣member you. For on the word of a Gentle∣man, I had rather bear in War one hun∣dred blows on my Helmet in the Service of

my Country, than be once cited by these Knavish Catchpoles, meerly to humour this same gorbelly'd Prior.

CHAP. XIV. A further Account of 〈…〉〈…〉 were drub'd at Basche's 〈◊〉〈◊〉

FOur days after, another young long-shank'd raw-bon'd Catchpole coming to serve Basché with a Writ at the fat Prior's request, was no sooner at the Gate, but the Porter smelt him out, and rung the Bell; at whose second pull, all the Family understood the Mystery. Loire was kneading his D••ugh, his Wife was sifting Meal; Oudart was to∣ping in his Office; the Gentlemen were play∣ing at Tennis; the Lord Basché at In and Out with my Lady; the Waitingmen and Gentle∣women at Push Pin: the Officers at Lanterlue, and the Pages at Hotcockles, giving one ano∣ther smart bangs. They were all immediately inform'd that a Catchpole was Hous'd.

Upon this, Oudart put on his Sacerdotal, and Loire and his Wife their Nuptial Badges. Trudon Pip'd it, and then Taber'd it like mad, all made haste to get ready, not forgetting the Gantlets. Basché went into the outward Yard; there the Catchpole meeting him, fell ••n his Marrowbones, beg'd of him not to

take it ill, if he serv'd him with a Writ at the Suit of the fat Prior; and in a pathetic Speech, let him know that he was a publick person, a Servant to the Monking Tribe, Apparitor to the Abbatial Mytre, ready to do as much for him, nay, for the least of his Servants, whensoever he would imploy and use him.

Nay, truly, said the Lord, you shall not serve your Writ till you have tasted some of my good Quinquenays Wine and been a Witness to a Wedding which we are to have this very minute. Let him drink and refresh himself, added he, turning to∣wards the Levitical Butler, and then bring him into the Hall. After which, Catchpole well stuffed and moisten'd, came with Oudart to the place where all the Actors in the Farce stood ready to begin. The sight of their Game set them a laughing, and the Messen∣ger of mischief grinn'd also for Company's sake. Then the Mysterious words were mut∣ter'd to and by the Couple, their Hands joyn'd, the Bride buss'd, and all besprinkled with Holy Water. While they were bring∣ing Wine and Kickshaws, Thumps began to trot about by dozens. The Catchpole gave the Levite several blows. Oudart who had his Gantlet hid under his Canonical Shirt draws it on 〈…〉〈…〉, and then 〈…〉〈…〉 ••ll on the 〈…〉〈…〉 a Devil;

the 〈◊〉〈◊〉 Gantiers dropt on him likewise like so many battering Rams. Remember the Wedding by this, by that, by these blows, said they. In short they stroak'd him so to the purpose that he pist Blood out at Mouth, Nose, Ears, and Eyes, and was bruis'd, sore, batter'd, be bump'd, and crippled at the Back, Neck, Breast, Arms, and so forth. Never did the Batchelors at Avignon in Carnival time play more melodiously at Raphe, than was then play'd on the Catchpole's Microcosm: at last down he fell.

They threw a great deal of Wine on his Snout, ty'd round the Sleeve of his Doublet a fine yellow and green Favour, and got him upon his snotty Beast, and God knows how he got to l'Isle Bouchart, where I cannot truly tell you whether he was dress'd and look'd after or no both by his Spouse and the able Doctors of the Country, for the thing never came to my Ears.

The next day they had a third part to the same Tune, because it did not appear by the lean Catchpole's Bag, that he had serv'd his Writ. So the fat Prior sent a new Catch∣pole at the head of a brace of Bums for his Guard du Corps to Summon my Lord. The Porter ringing the Bell, the whole Family was overjoy'd, knowing that it was another Rogue. Basché was at Dinner with his Lady and the Gentlemen, so he sent for the Catch∣pole, made him sit by him, and the Bums

by the Women, and made them eat till their Bellies crack'd with their Breeches unbutton'd. The Fruit being serv'd, the Catchpole arose from Table, and before the Bums cited Bas∣ché, Basché kindly ask'd him for a Copy of the Warant, which the other had got ready: He then takes Witness and a Copy of the Sum∣mons. To the Catchpole and his Bums he order'd four Ducats for Civility Money. In the mean time all were withdrawn for the Farce. So Trudon gave the Alarm with his Tabor. Basché desir'd the Catchpole to stay and see one of his Servants married, and wit∣ness the Contract of Marriage, paying him his Fee. The Catchpole slap dash was rea∣dy, took out his Ink-horn, got Paper imme∣diately, and his Bums by him.

Then Loire came into the Hall at one door, and his Wife with the Gentlewomen at ano∣ther in Nuptial Accoutrements. Oudart, in Pontifica••ibus takes them both by the hands, asketh them their will; giveth them the Ma∣trimonial Blessing, and was very Liberal of Holy Water. The Contract Written, Sign'd, and Register'd, on one side was brought Wine and Comfits; on the other; White and Orange-tau••y-colour'd Favours were distri∣buted; on another, Gantlets privately handed about.

CHAP. XV. How the Ancient Custom at Nuptials is renewed by the Catchpole.

THe Catchpole having made shift to get down a swindging Streaker of Bri∣ton Wine, said to Basché, Pray, Sir, what do you mean? You do not give one another the Memento of the Wedding. By St. Joseph's Wooden Shoe all good Customs are forgot. We find the Form, but the Hare's scamper'd; and the Nest, but the Birds are flown. There are no true Friends now-a-days. You see how in several Churches the Ancient Lauda∣ble Custom of Tippling on account of the blessed St. O. O. at Christmass is come to no∣thing. The World is in its Dotage, and Dooms∣day is certainly coming all so fast. Now come on; The Wedding, the Wedding, the Wedding, remember it by this. This he said, striking Basché and his Lady, then her Women and the Levite. Then the Tabor beat a point of War, and the Gantlets began to do their Duty, in so much that the Catchpole had his Crown crack'd in no less than nine places. One of the Burns had his right Arm put out of joynt, and the other his upper Jaw Bone or Mandibule dislocated; so that it hid half his Chin, with a Denudation of the Ʋvula

and sad loss of the Molar, Masticatory and Canine Teeth. Then the Tabor beat a Re∣treat; the Gantlets were carefully hid in a trice, and sweet Meats afresh distributed to renew the Mirth of the Company. So they all drank to one another, and especially to the Catchpole and his Bums. But Oudart Curs'd and Damn'd the Wedding to the pit of Hell, complaining that one of the Bums had utterly disincornisistibulated his nether Shoulder blade. Nevertheless he scorn'd to be thought a Flincher, and made shift to tope to him on the square.

The Jawless Bum shrug'd up his Shoulders, joyn'd his Hands, and by signs beg'd his Par∣don; for speak he could not. The sham Bridegroom made his moan, That the crip∣pled Bum had struck him such a horrid thump with his Shoulder-of-Mutton-Fist on the ne∣ther Elbow, that he was grown quite esper∣ruquanchuzelubelouzerireliced down to his very Heel, to the no small loss of Mistress Bride.

But what harm had poor I done (cry'd Trudon hiding his left Eye with his Kerchief, and shewing his Tabor crack'd on one side) they were not satisfied with thus poaching, black-and bluing, and morram∣bouzevezengouzequoquemorgasacbaquevezi∣nemaffreliding my poor Eyes, but they have also broke my harmless Drum. Drums in∣dued are commonly beaten at Weddings;

(and 'tis sit they should) but Drummers are well entertain'd, and never beaten. Now let Bel∣zebub e'en take the Drum to make his Devil∣ship a Night-Cap. Brother, said the lame Catchpole, never fret thy self, I will make thee a present of a fine, large, old Patent which I have here in my Bag to patch up thy Drum, and for Madam St. Ann's sake I pray thee forgive us. By'r Lady of River, the blessed Dame, I meant no more harm than the Child unborn. One of the Querries who hopping and halting like a mumping Cripple, mimick'd the good limping Lord de la Roche Posay, directed his Discourse to the Bum with the pouting Jaw, and told him, What, Mr. Manhound, was it not enough thus to have morcrocastebezasteverestegrigeligos∣copapopondrillated us all in our upper Mem∣bers with your botch'd Mittens, but you must also apply such morderegripippiatabirofrelu∣chamburelurecaquelurintimpaniments on our Shinbones with the hard tops and extremitie•• of your cobbl'd Shoes? Do you call this Childrens play? By the Mass, 'tis no Jest. The Bum wringing his Hands, seemed to beg his Pardon, muttering with his Tongue, mon, mon, mon, vrelon, von, von, like a Dumb Man. The Bride crying laught, and laugh∣ing cry'd, because the Catchpole was not sa∣tisfy'd with drubbing her without choice or distinction of Members, but had also rudely rous'd and tous'd her; pull'd off her Topping,

and not having the fear of her Husband before his Eyes, treacherously trepignemanpinillori∣frizonoufresturfumbledtumbled and squees'd her lower parts. The Devil go with it, said Basché, there was much need indeed that this same Master King (this was the Catch∣pole's Name) should thus break my Wifes Back: however I forgive him now; these are little Nuptial Caresses. But this I plain∣ly perceive, that he cited me like an Angel, and drubb'd me like a Devil. He hath some∣thing in him of Fryar Thumpwell. Come, for all this I must drink to him, and to you likewise his trusty Esquires. But said his Lady, why hath he been so very liberal of his ma∣nual kindness to me without the least provo∣cation? I assure you, I by no means like it; but this I dare say for him, that he hath the hardest Knuckles that ever I felt on my Shoulders. The Steward held his left Arm in a Scarf, as if it had been rent and torn in twain: I think it was the Devil, said he, that mov'd me to assist at these Nuptials; shame on ill luck, I must-needs be meddling, with a Pox, and now see what I have got by the Bargain, both my Arms are wretched∣ly engoulevezinemassdandbruis'd. Do you call this a Wedding? By St. Briget's Tooth, I had rather be at that of a Tom T — d-Man; this is o'my word e'en just such another Feast as was that of the Lapithes, describ'd by the Phi∣losopher of Samosate. One of the Bums

had lost his Tongue. The two other, tho' they had more need to complain, made their excuse as well as they could, protesting that they hadt no ill design in this Dumb∣founding; begging that for goodness sake they would forgive them, and so tho' they could hardly budge a foot, or wag along, away they crawl'd. About a mile from Basché's Seat, the Catchpole found himself somewhat out of sorts. The Bums got to l'Isle Bouchard, publickly saying, That since they were born, they had never seen an honester Gentleman than the Lord of Basché, or civiller Peo∣ple than his, and that they had never been at the like Wedding (which I verily believe) but that it was their own faults if they had been tickled off and toss'd about from Post to Pillar, since themselves had began the beat∣ing. So they liv'd I can't exactly tell you how many days after this. But from that time to this it was held for a certain truth, That Basché••s Money was more pestilential, mortal and pernicious to the Catchpoles and Bums, than were formerly the Aurum Thelo∣sanum, and the Sejan Horse to those that possessed them. Ever since this, he lived quiet∣ly, and Basché's Wedding grew into a common Proverb.

CHAP. XVI. How Fryar Jhon made tryal of the Nature of the Catchpoles.

THis Story would seem pleasant enough, said Pantagruel, were we not to have al∣ways the fear of God before our Eyes. It had been better, said Epistemon, if those Gantle••s had fallen upon the fat Prior: Since he took a pleasure in spending his Mony partly to vex Basché▪ partly to see those Catchpoles bang'd, good lusty thumps would have done well on his shav'd Crown, considering the horrid Con∣cussions now-a days among those puny Judges. What harm had done those poor Devils the Catchpoles. This puts me in mind, said Pan∣tagruel, of an ancient Roman named L. Ne∣ratius; he was of Noble Blood, and for some time was rich; but had this Tyrannical Incli∣nation, that whenever he went out of doors, he caused his Servants to fill their Pockets with Gold and Silver, and meeting in the street your spruce Gallants and better sort of Beaux, without the least provocation, for his fancy he us'd to strike them hard on the Face with his Fist, and immediately after that, to appease them and hinder them from com∣plaining to the Magistrates, he would give them as much Money as satisfied them ac∣according

to the Law of the twelve Tables. Thus he us'd to spend his Revenue, beating People for the price of his Money. By St. Bennet's Sacred Boot, quoth Fryar Jhon, I will know the truth of it presently.

This said, he went on shoar, put his hand in his Fob, and took out twenty Ducats, then said with a loud voice in the hearing of a shoal of the Nation of Catchpoles, Who will earn twenty Ducats, for being beaten like the Devil? Io, Io, Io, said they all; you will cripple us for ever, Sir, that's most certain, but the Money is tempting. With this they were all thronging who should be first, to be thus pretiously beaten. Fryar Jhon singl'd him out of the whole knot of these Rogues in grain, a red Snout Catchpole, who upon his right Thumb wore a thick broad Silver Hoop, wherein was set a good large Toad∣stone. He had no sooner pick'd him out from the rest, but I perceiv'd that they all mutter'd and grumbl'd, and I heard a young thin-jaw'd Catchpole, a notable Scholar, a pretty Fel∣low at his Pen, and, according to publick report, much cry'd up for his honesty at Doctors Commons, making his complaint, and muttering; because this same crimson Phyz car∣ry'd away all the Practice, and that if there were but a score and a half of Bastinadoes to be got, he would certainly run away with eight and twenty of them. But all this was look'd upon to be nothing but meer Envy.

Fryar Jhon so unmercifully thrash'd, thump'd and belabour'd Red-Snout, Back and Belly, Sides, Legs and Arms, Head, Feet, and so forth, with the home & frequently repeated application of one of the best Mem∣bers of a Faggot, that I took him to be a dead Man; then he gave him the twenty Ducats; which made the Dog get on his Legs, pleas'd like a little King, or two. The rest were saying to Fryar Jhon, Sir, Sir, Brother De∣vil, if it please you to do us the favour to beat some of us for less Money, we are all at your Devilship's command, Bags, Papers, Pens and all. Red-Snout cry'd out against them, saying with a loud voice: Body of me, you little Prigs, will you offer to take the Bread out of my Mouth? will you take my Bargain over my Head? Would you draw and inveigle from me my Clients and Customers? Take notice, I Summon you be∣fore the Official this day se'night; I will Law and Claw you like any old Devil, that I will. — Then turning himself towards Fryar Jhon, with a smiling and joy∣ful look, he said to him, Reverend Father in the Devil, if you have found me a good Hide, and have a mind to divert your self once more, by beating your humble Servant, I will bate you half in half this time, ra∣ther than lose your Custom, do not spare me I beseech you; I am all, and more than all yours, good Mr. Devil, Head, Lungs,

Tripes, Guts and Garbage, and that at a Penniworth I'll assure you. Fryar Jhon n'er heeded his proffers, but e'en left them. The other Catchpoles were making Addresses to Panurge, Epistemon, Gymnast, and others, en∣treating them charitably to bestow upon their Carcasses a small beating, for otherwise they were in danger of keeping a long Fast: but none of them had a Stomach to it. Sometime after, seeking fresh Water for the Ship's Company, we met a couple of old Female Catchpoles of the place, miserably howling and weeping in Consort. Pantagruel had kept on Board, and already had caus'd a Retreat to be sounded. Thinking they might be related to the Catchpole that was bastinado'd, We ask'd them the occasion of their grief. They reply'd, That they had too much cause to weep, for that very hour from an exalted Triple Tree, two of the honestest Gentle∣men in Catchpoleland had been made to cut a Caper on nothing. Cut a Caper on no∣thing? said Gymnast, my Pages use to cut Capers on the Ground; to cut a Caper on nothing, should be hanging and choaking, or I am out. Ay, ay, said Fryar Jhon, you speak of it like St. John de la Palisse.

We ask'd them why they treated those worthy Persons with such a choaking Hem∣pen Sallat? They told us they had only bor∣row'd, alias stol'n the Tools of the Mass, and hid them under the handle of the Parish.

This is a very Allegorical way of speaking said Epistemon.

CHAP. XVII. How Pantagruel came to the Island of Tohu and Bohu, and of the strange death of Widenostrils the Swallower of Windmills.

THAT day Pantagruel came to the two Islands of Tohu and Bohu, where the Devill a bit we could find any thing to fry with. For, one Widenostrils, a huge Giant had swallowed every individual Pan, Skillet, Kettle, frying-Pan, dripping-Pan, and Brass and Iron Pot in the Land, for want of Windmils, which were his daily food. Whence it happen'd that somewhat before Day, about the hour of his digestion, the greedy Churle was taken very ill, with a kind of a Surfeit, or Crudity of stomach, occasion'd (as the Physicians said) by the weakness of the concocting faculty of his sto∣mach, naturally dispos'd to digest whole Windmils at a gust, yet unable to consume perfectly the Pans and Skillets; though it had indeed pretty well digested the Kettles and Pots, as they said they kn••w by the

Hypostases and Encoresmes of four Tubs of second hand Drink which he had evacuated, at two different times that morning. They made use of diverse remedies according to art, to give him ease: But all would not do, the Di∣stemper prevail'd over the remedies, in so much that the famous Widenostrils dy'd that morning, of so strange a death, that I think you ought no longer to wonder at that of the Poet Aeschylus's. It had been foretold him by the Sooth-sayers, that he would dye on a certain Day, by the ruin of something that should fall on him; that fatal day be∣ing come in its Turn, he remov'd himself out of Town, far from all Houses, Trees, or any other things that can fall, and indanger by their ruin; and stay'd in a large field, trusting himself to the open Sky, there very secure as he thought, unless indeed the Sky should happen to fall, which he held to be impossible. Yet they say that the Larks are much afraid of it, for if it should fall, they must all be taken.

The Celix that once liv'd near the Rhine, (they are our noble valiant French) in ancient times were also afraid of the Sky's falling; for being ask'd by Alexander the great, what they fear'd most in this World, hoping well they would say that they fear'd none but him, considering his great Atchievements, they made answer, That they fear'd nothing but the Sky's falling; however not refusing to

enter into a confederacy with so brave a King: If you believe Strabo Lib. 7. and Ar∣rian Lib. 1.

Plutarch also in his book of the Face that appears on the body of the Moon, speaks of one Phoenaces who very much fear'd the Moon should fall on Earth, and pity'd those that live under that Planet, as the Aethiopians and Taprobanians, if so heavy a Mass ever happened to fall on them; and would have fear'd the like of Heaven and Earth, had they not been duely propt up and born by the Atlan∣tic Pillars, as the ancients believ'd, according to Aristotles testimony Lib. 5. Metaphis. Not∣withstanding all this, poor Aeschylus was kill'd by the fall of the shell of a Tortoise, which falling from betwixt the Claws of an Eagle high in the Air, just on his head, dash'd out his brains.

Neither ought you to wonder at the death of another Poet, I mean old Jolly Anacreon, who was choak'd with a grape-stone: nor at that of Fabius the Roman Praetor who was smothered with a single Goat's-hair as he was supping up a porringer of Milk. Nor at the death of that bashfull Fool who by holding in his Wind, and for want of letting out a Bumgunshot dy'd suddenly in the presence of the Emperor Claudius. Nor at that of the Italian buried on the Via Flaminia at Rome who in his Epitaph, complains that the bite of a she-Puss on his

little Finger was the cause of his death Nor of that of Q. Lecanius Bassus, who dyed suddenly of so small a prick with a needle on his left thumb, that it could hardly be de∣scern'd. Nor of Quenelault a Norman Physi∣cian who dy'd suddenly at Montpellier meere∣ly for having sideways took a worm out of his hand with a Pen-knife. Nor of Phi∣lomenes, whose Servant having got him some new Figs, for the first course of his din∣ner, whilst he went to fetch wine, a strag∣gling welhung Ass got into the House, and seeing the figs on the Table, without further invitation soberly fell to: Philomenes coming into the Room and nicely observing with what gravity the Ass eat its Dinner, said to his Man who was come back; since thou hast set figs here for this reverent Guest of ours to eat, methinks it's but reason thou also give him some of this Wine to drink. He had no sooner said this, but he was so excessively pleased, and fell into so exorbitant a fit of Laughter, that the use of his spleen took that of his breath utterly away, and he immediately dy'd. Nor of Spurius Sau∣feius, who dy'd supping up a soft Egg as he came out of a bath. Nor of him who, as Boccace tells us, dy'd suddenly by picking his grinders with a Sage-stalk. Nor of Phili∣pot Placut, who being brisk and hale, fell dead as he was paying and old debt; which causes perhaps many not to pay theirs,

for fear of the like accident. Nor of the Painter Zeuxis who kill'd himself with laugh∣ing at the sight of the Antick Jobbernol of an old hagg drawn by him. Nor in short of a thousand more of which Authors write, as Verrius, Pliny, Valerius, J. Baptista, Ful∣gosius, and Bacabery the elder. In short, Gaf∣fer Widenostrils choak'd himself with eating a huge lump of fresh Butter at the mouth of a hot Oven, by the advice of Physicians.

They likewise told us there, that the King of Cullan in Bohu had routed the Grandees of King Mecloth, and made sad work with the Fortresses of Belima.

After this, we sail'd by the Islands of Nar∣gues and Zargues; also by the Islands of Te∣leniabin and Geneliabin, very fine and fruitful in Ingredients for Clysters: and then by the islands of ••nig and Evig, on whose account formerly the Landgrave of Hesse was swindg'd off with a vengeance.

CHAP. XVIII. How Pantagruel met with a great Storm at Sea.

THe next day we espied nine Sail that came spooning before the Wind; they were full of Dominicans, Jesuits, Capuchins, Hermits, Austins, Bernardins, Celestins, Thea∣tins, Egnatins, Amadeans, Cordeliers, Carme∣lites, Minims, and the Devil and all of other holy Monks and Fryars, who were going to the Council of Chesil, to sift and garble some Articles of Faith against the new Hereticks; Panurge was overjoy'd to see them, being most certain of good luck, for that day and a long train of others. So, having courte∣ously saluted the goodly Fathers, and re∣commended the salvation of his precious Soul to their Devout Prayers and private Ejacula∣tions, he caus'd seventy eight dozen of West∣phalia Hams, Unites of Pots of Caviar, Tens of Bolonia Sawsages, Hundreds of Bo∣targoes, and Thousands of fine Angels, for the Souls of the dead, to be thrown on board their Ships. Pantagruel seem'd metagraboliz'd, dozing, out of sorts, and as melancholick as a Cat: Fryar Jhon who soon perceiv'd it, was enquiring of him whence should come this unusual sadness? When the Master, whose

Watch it was, observing the fluttering of the Ancient above the Poop, and seeing that it began to overcast, judg'd that we should have Wind, therefore he bid the Boatswain call hands upon Deck, Officers, Sailers, Fore-Mast Men, Swabbers, and Cabbin-boys, and even the Passengers; made 'em first settle their Top-sails, take in their Spreet-sail; then he cry'd, in with your Top-sails, lower the Fore-sail, Tallow under the Parrels, brade up close all them Sails, strike your Top-Masts to the Cap, make all sure with your Sheeps-feet, Lash your Guns fast. All this was nimbly done. Immediately it blow'd a Storm, the Sea began to roar, and swell Moun∣tain high: The Rut of the Sea was great, the Waves breaking upon our Ships Quarter, the North West Wind bluster'd and over-blow'd; boisterous gusts; dreadful clashings and deadly scuds of Wind whistled through our Yards, and made our Shrouds rattle a∣gain. The Thunder grumbled so horridly, that you would have thought Heaven had been tumbling about our Ears; at the same time it Lighten'd, Rain'd, Hail'd; the Sky lost its transparent hue, grew dusky, thick and gloomy, so that we had no other light than that of the Flashes of Lightning and rending of the Clouds: The Hurricans, Flaws and sudden Whirl-winds began to make a Flame about us by the Lightnings, Fiery Vapours, and other Aerial Ejaculations.

Oh how our Looks were full of amazement and trouble, while the sawcy Winds did rudely lift up above us the Mountainous Waves of the Main. Believe me, it seem'd to us a lively Image of the Chaos, where Fire, Air, Sea, Land, and all the Elements were in a refractory confusion. Poor Panurge, having, with the full contents of the inside of his Doublet, plentifully fed the Fish, greedy enough of such odious Fare, sat on the Deck all in a heap, with his Nose and Arse toge∣ther, most sadly cast down, moping and half dead; invok'd and call'd to his assistance all the Blessed he and she Saints he could mu∣ster up, swore and vow'd to Confess in time and place convenient, and then bawl'd out frightfully, Steward, Maistre d'Hostel, see hoe, my Friend, my Father, my Uncle, pr'ythee let's have a piece of Powder'd Beef or Pork, we shall drink but too much anon, for ought I see, eat little and drink the more shall hereafter be my Motto, I fear. Would to our dear Lord and to our blessed, worthy, and sacred Lady, I were now, I say, this very minute of an hour, well on shoar on Terra firma, hale and easie. O twice and thrice happy those that plant Cabbages! O Destinies, why did you not Spin me for a Cabbage Planter? O how few are they to whom Jupiter hath been so favourable as to Predestinate them to plant Cabbage! They have always one Foot on the ground, and the

other not far from it. Dispute who will of Felicity, and summum bonum, for my part, whosoever plants Cabbage, is now by my Decree proclaim'd most happy; for as good a reason as the Philosopher Pyrrho being in the same danger, and seeing a Hog near the shoar eating some scatter'd Oats, declar'd it happy in two respects, first, because it had plenty of Oats, and besides that was on shoar. Hah, for a Divine and Princely Habitation, commend me to the Cows Floor.

Murther! This Wave will sweep us a∣way, blessed Saviour! O my Friends! a lit∣tle Vinegar. I sweat again with meer ago∣ny. Alas, the Misen Sail's split, the Gallery's wash'd away, the Masts are sprung, the Main Top Mast Head dives into the Sea; the Keel is up to the Sun; our Shrouds are almost all broke, and blown away. Alas! Alas! Where is our main Course? Ael is verlooren by Godt, our Top Mast is run adrift. Alas! Who shall have this Wreck? Friend, lend me here behind you one of these Wales. Your Lanthorn is fallen, my Lads. Alas! don't let go the main tack nor the Bowlin. I hear the Block crack, is it broke? For the Lord's sake, let us save the Hull, and let all the Rigging be damn'd. Be be be bous, bous, bous. Look to the Needle of your Compass, I beseech you, good Sir Astrophel, and tell us if you can whence comes this Storm, my Hearts's sunk down below my Midriff. By

my troth I am in a sad fright; bou, bou, bou, bous, bous, I am lost for ever. I conskite my self for meer madness and fear. Bou, bou, bou, bou, O to to to to to ti. Bou, bou, bou, ou, ou, ou, bou bou, bous. I sink, I'm drown'd, I'm gone, good People, I'm drown'd.

CHAP. XIX. What Countenances Panurge and Fryar Jhon kept during the Storm.

PAntagruel having first implor'd the help of the Great and Almighty Deliverer, and pray'd publickly with fervent Devotion, by the Pilot's advice held titely the Mast of the Ship. Fryar Jhon had strip'd himself to his Wastcoat, to help the Seamen. Epistemon, Ponocrates, and the rest did as much. Panurge alone sate on his Breech upon Deck, weeping, and howling. Fryar Jhon espy'd him, going on the Quarter-Deck, and said to him: Odzoons, Panurge the Calf, Panurge the Whiner, Panurge the Brayer, would it not become thee much better to lend us here a helping hand, than to lie lowing like a Cow, as thou dost, sitting on thy Stones like a bald breech'd Baboon? Be, be, be, bous, bous, bous, return'd Panurge, Fryar Jhon, my

Friend, my good Father, I am drowning, my dear Friend! I drown; I am a dead Man, my dear Father in God, I am a dead Man, my Friend: your cutting Hanger cannot save me from this: Alas! Alas! We are above Ela. Above the pitch, out of Tune, and off the Hindges. Be, be, be, bou, bous. Alas we are now above G••sol re ut. I sink, I sink, hah my Father, my Uncle, my All. The water is got into my Shooes by the Collar; bous, bous, bous, paisch, hu, hu, hu, he, he, he, ha, ha, I drown. Alas! Alas! Hu, hu, hu, hu, hu, hu, hu, be be bous, bous, bobous, bobous, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Alas! Alas! Now am I like your Tumblers, my Feet stand higher than my Head: Would to Heaven I were now with those good, holy Fathers bound for the Council, whom we met this morning, so Godly, so Fat, so Mer∣ry, so Plump and Comely. Holos, holos, holas, alas, alas. This Devilish wave (mea culpa, Deus) I mean this wave of God will sink our Vessel. Alas, Fryar Jhon, my Fa∣ther, my Friend, Confession, here I am down on my Knees, Confiteor; your holy Blessing. Come hither and be damn'd thou pitiful Devil and help us (said Fryar Jhon) who fell a swearing and cursing like a Tinker; in the name of thirty Legions of black Devils, come, will you come? Don't let us swear at this time, said Panurge, Holy Father, my Friend, don't swear I beseech you; to morrow a••

much as you please. Holos, holos, alas, our Ship leaks. I drown, alas, alas, I will give eighteen hundred thousand Crowns to any one that will set me on shoar all beray'd, and be∣dawb'd as I am now, if ever there was a Man in my Country in the like pickle. Con∣fiteor, alas! a word or two of Testament or Codicil at least. A thousand Devils seize the Cuckoldy Cow-hearted Mungril, cry'd Fryar Jhon; Ods Belly, art thou talking here of making thy Will, now we are in danger, and it behoveth us to bestir our stumps lusti∣ly, or never. Wilt thou come, ho Devil? Midship-man my Friend, O the rare Lieu∣tenant, here Gymnast, here on the Poop. We are by the Mass, all beshit now, our Light is out. This is hastening to the Devil as fast as it can. — Alas, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, alas, alas, alas, alas, said Panurge, was it here we were born to perish? Oh! hoh! Good People, I drown, I die. Consummatum est. I am sped— Magna, gna, gna, said Fryar Jhon. Fye upon him, how ugly the shitten howler looks. — Boy, Younker, see hoyh.— Mind the Pumps, or the De∣vil choak thee.— Hast thou hurt thy self? Zoons, here fasten it to one of these Blocks. On this side in the Devil's name, hay— so my Boy.— Ah Fryar Jhon, said Panurge, good Ghostly Father, dear Friend, don't let us swear, you sin. Oh ho, Oh ho, be be be bous, bous, bhous, I sink, I die, my Friends.

I die in Charity with all the World. Fare∣well, In manus. Bohous bhous, bhousow∣wauwaus. St. Michael of Aure! St. Nicho∣las! now, now or never. I here make you a solemn Vow and to our Saviour, that if you stand by me but this time, I mean if you set me ashoar out of this danger, I will build you a fine large little Chappel or two between Cande and Monsoreau, where neither Cow nor Calf shall feed. Oh ho, Oh ho. Above eighteen Palefuls or two of it are got down my Gullet, bous, bhous, bhous, bhous, how damn'd bitter and Salt it is.— By the vir∣tue (said Fryar Jhon) of the Blood, the Flesh, the Belly, the Head, if I hear thee again howling, thou Cuckoldly Cur, I'll maul thee worse than any Sea Wolf. Ods fish, why don't we take him up by the Lugs, and throw him over board to the bottom of the Sea? Here, Sailer, ho honest fellow. Thus, thus, my Friend, hold fast above.— In truth here is a sad Lightning and Thunder∣ing; I think that all the Devils are got loose, 'tis Holy-day with 'em, or else Madam Pro∣serpine is in Child's labour, all the Devils dance a Morrice.

CHAP. XX. How the Pilots were forsaking their Ships in the greatest stress of Wea∣ther.

OH, said Panurge, you sin, Fryar Jhon, my former Crony, former, I say, for at this time I am no more, you are no more. It goes against my Heart to tell it you; for I believe this swearing doth your spleen a great deal of good; as it is a great ease to a Wood-Cleaver to cry hem, at every blow; and as one who plays at Nine Pins, is wonderfully help'd, if, when he hath not thrown his Bowl right, and is like to make a bad cast, some ingenious stander-by leans and screws his Body half way about, on that side which the Bowl should have took to hit the Pins. Ne∣vertheless you offend, my sweet Friend. But what do you think of eating some kind of Cabirotadoes? Wouldn't this secure us from this Storm? I have read that the Ministers of the Gods Cabiri so much celebrated by Or∣pheus, Appollonius, Pherecides, Strabo, Pausani∣as, and Herodotus were always secure in time of Storm. He doats, he raves, the poor Devil, said Fryar Jhon. A thousand, a mil∣lion, nay, a hundred millions of Devils seize the hornify'd Doddipole. Lend's a Hand

here, hoh, Tiger, wouldst thou? Here on the Sturboard side; Ods me, thou Buffolo's-Head stuffed with Relicks, what Ape's Pa∣ter Noster art thou muttering and chattering here between thy Teeth? That Devil of a Sea Calf is the cause of all this Storm, and is the only Man who doth not lend a helping Hand. By G — if I come near thee, I'll fetch thee out by the Head and Ears with a vengeance, and chastise thee like any Tem∣pestative Devil. Here M••••e, my Lad, hold fast till I have made a double knot. O' brave Boy! Would to Heaven thou wert Abbot of Talemouze, and that he that is, were Guardian of Croullay. Hold Brother Ponocrates, you will hurt your self Man. Epistemon, pr'y∣thee stand off out of the Hatch-way. Methinks I saw the Thunder fall there but just now. Con the Ship, so ho — Mind your Steerage. Well said, thus, thus, steady, keep her thus, get the Long Boat clear.— Steady. Ods fish, the Beakhead is stav'd to pieces. Grum∣ble, Devils, ••ar••, belch, shite a T—d o' the Wave. If this be Weather, the Devil's a Ram. Nay, by G— a little more would have wash'd me clear away into the Current. I think all the Legions of Devils hold here their Provincial Chapter, or are Polling, Canvasing and Wrangling for the Election of a new Rector.— Starboard; well said.— Take heed; have a care of your Noddle, Lad, in the Devil's Name. So ho,

Starboard, Starboard. Be, be, be, bous, bous, bous, cry'd Panurge, bous, bous, be, be, be, bous, bous, I am lost. I see neither Heaven nor Earth; of the four Elements we have here only Fire and Water left. Bou, bou, bou, bous, bous, bous. Would it were the pleasure of the worthy Divine Bounty, that I were at this present hour in the Close at Sevillé, or at Innocent's the Pastry-Cook, over against the painted Wine-Vault at Chinon, though I were to strip to my Dou∣blet. And bake the petty Pasties my self.

Honest Man, could not you throw me ashoar, you can do a World of good things, they say. I give you all Salmigondinois, and my large Shore full of Whilks, Cockles and Periwinkles, if by your industry, I ever set Foot on firm ground. Alas, alas, I drown. Hark'ee, my Friends, since we cannot get safe into Port, let us come to an Anchor into some Road, no matter whither. Drop all your Anchors, let us be out of dan∣ger I beseech you. Here honest Tar get you into the Chains and heave the Lead, an'•• please you. Let us how how many Fathom water we are in. Sound, Friend, in the Lord Harry's Name: Let us know, whether a Man might here drink easily with∣out stooping. I am apt to believe One might. Helm a lee, hoh, cry'd the Pilot. Helm a lee, a Hand or two at the Helm, About Ships with her, Helm a lee, Helm a

lee.— Stand off from the Leech of the Sail. — Hoh, Belay, here make fast below, hoh, Helm a lee, lash sure the Helm a lee, and let her drive. Is it come to that, said Pantagruel, our good Saviour then help us. Let her lie under the Sea, cry'd James Bra∣hier, our chief Mate, let her drive. To Prayers, to Prayers, let all think on their Souls, and fall to Prayers; nor hope to sc••pe but by a Miracle. Let us, said Panurge, make some good pious kind of Vow, alas, alas, alas, bou, bou, be be be bous, bous, bous, Oho, Oho, Oho, Oho, let us make a Pil∣grim; come, come, let every Man club his penny towards it, come on. Here, here, on this side, said Fryar Jhon in the Devil's name. Let her drive, for the Lord's sake unhang the Rudder, hoh, let her drive, let her drive, and let us drink, I say of the best and most cheering, d'ye hear, Steward, produce, exhibit, for d'ye see this, and all the rest will as well go to the Devil out of hand. A pox on that Wind-broaker Aeolus with his Flusterblusters, Sirrah, Page, bring me here my Drawer (for so he call'd his Breviary) stay a little here, hawl Friend, thus.— Odzoons here's a deal of Hail and Thunder to no purpose. Hold fast above, I pray you. When have we All-Saints day? I believe 'tis the unholy holy day of all the Devil's Crew. Alas, said Panurge, Fryar Jhon damns himself here as black as Buttermilk for the noance. Oh what a good Friend I

lose in him. Alas, alas, this is anothergat•• bout than last year's. We are falling out of Scylla into Charybdis. Oho! I drown. Con∣fiteor, one poor word or two by way of Testa∣ment, Fryar Jhon my Ghostly Father, good Mr. Abstractor, my Crony, my Achates, Xe∣nomanes, my All. Alas I drown, two words of Testament here upon this Ladder.

CHAP. XXI. A Continuation of the Storm, with a short Discourse on the Subject of ma∣king Testaments at Sea.

TO make ones last Will, said Epistemon, at this time that we ought to bestir our selves and help our Seamen, on the penal∣ty of being drown'd, seems to me as idle and ridiculous a Maggot as that of some of Caesars's Men, who at their coming into the Gauls, were mightily busi'd in making Wills and Codicils, bemoan'd their Fortune, and the absence of their Spouses and Friends at Rome, when it was absolutely necessary for them to run to their Arms, and use their utmost strength against Ariovistus their Enemy.

This also is to be as silly, as that Jolt-head∣ed Loblolly of a Carter, who, having laid his Waggon fast in a-Slough, down on his

Marrow-bones, was calling on the strong-Back'd Deity Hercules, might and main, to help him at a dead lift, but all the while forgot to goad on his Oxen, and lay his. Shoulder to the Wheels, as it behoved him, as if a Lord have mercy upon us, alone, would have got his Cart out of the Mire.

What will it signifie to make your Will now? For either we shall come off, or drown for't. If we scape, it will not signifie a straw to us; for, Testaments are of no va∣lue, or Authority, but by the death of the Testators. If we are drown'd, will it not be drown'd too? Pr'ythee who will transmit it to the Executors? Some kind Wave will throw it ashoar, like Ʋlysses, reply'd Panurge, and some King's Daughter, going to fetch a Walk in the fresco on the Evening, will find it, and take care to have it prov'd and fulfil'd; Nay, and have some stately Cenotaph erected to my Memory, as Dido had to that of her good Man Sichaeus, Aeneas to Deiphobus upon the Trojan shoar near Rhoete; Andromache to Hector in the City of Buthrot; Aristotle to Hermias and Eubulus; the Athenians to the Poet Euripides; the Romans to Drusus in Germany, and to Alex∣ander Severus their Emperor in the Gauls; Ar∣gentier to Callaischre, Xenocrates to Lisidices; Timares to his Son Teleutagoras; Eupolis and Aristodice to their Son Theotimus; Onestes to Timocles; Callimachus to Sopolis the Son of Dioclides, Catallus to his Brother; Statius to

his Father; Germain of Brie to He••vé the Breton Tarpawlin. Art thou mad said Fryar Jhon, to run on at this rate? Help here, in the name of five hundred thousand millions of Cart-loads of Devils, help; may a Shanker gnaw thy Moustachio's, and three rows of Pock Royals and Colly-flowers cover thy Bum and Turd-barrel instead of Breeches and Codpiece. Codsooks, our Ship is almost overset. Ods death, how shall we clear her? 'Tis well if she don't founder. What a Devilish Sea there runs? She'll neither try, nor hull, the Sea will overtake her, so we shall never scape, the Devil scape me. Then Pantagruel was heard to make a sad Exclamation, saying with a loud voice; Lord save us, we perish: Yet not as we would have it, but thy holy Will be done. The Lord, and the Blessed Virgin be with us, said Panurge. Holos, alas, I drown, be be be bous, be bous, bous: In manus. Good Heaven, send me some Dol∣phin to carry me safe on shoar, like a pretty little Arion. I shall make shift to sound the Harp if it be not unstrung. Let nineteen Legions of black Devils seize me, said Fryar Jhon (the Lord be with us, whisper'd Panurge between his chattering Teeth) If I come down to thee, I'll shew thee to some purpose, that the Badge of thy Humanity dangles at a Calves Breech, thou ragged horn'd Cuckol∣dy Booby; mgna, mgnan, mgnan: Come hither and help us thou great weeping Calf or

may thirty millions of Devils leap on thee; wilt thou come, Sea-Calf? Fye, how ugly the howling Whelp looks. What al∣ways the same Ditty? Come on now my bon∣ny Drawer. This he said, opening his Breviary, come forward, thou and I must be some∣what serious for a while, let me peruse thee stifly. Beatus vir qui non abiit. Pshaw, I know all this by Heart, let's see the Legend of Monsieur St. Nicholas.

Horrida Tempestas montem turbavit acutum.

Tempest was a mighty flogger of Lads at Mountague College. If Pedants be damn'd for whipping poor little innocent wretches their Scholars, he is, upon my Honour, by this time fix'd within Ixion's Wheel lashing the croptear bobtail'd Cur that gives it motion. If they are sav'd for having whipp'd inno∣cent Lads, he ought to be above the—

CHAP. XXII. An End of the Storm.

SHoar, Shoar, cry'd Pantagruel, Land to my Friends, I see Land, pluck up a good spirit, Boys, 'tis within a kenning, so we are not far from a Port.— I see the Sky clearing up, to the North-wards.— Look to the South-east! Courage my Hearts, said the Pilot, now she'll bear the hullock of a Sail, the Sea is much smoother, some hands aloft, to the main Top.— Put the Helm a weather. — Steady, Steady.— Hall your aftermisen bowlins.— Hawl, Hawl, Hawl.— Thus, Thus, and no near. Mind your Steerage, bring your main Tack a∣board.— Clear your Sheats; Clear your bowlins; Port: Port. Helm a Lee.—Now, to the Sheat on the star-Board-side, thou Son of a Whore. Thou art mightily pleas'd, honest Fellow, quoth Fryar Ihon, with hearing him make mention of thy Mother▪ Loff, Loff, cry'd the Quarter-master that cun'd the Ship, keep her full, Loff the Helm. Loff, it is, answer'd the Steer-man; keep her thus. — Get the Bonnets fixt.— Steady, Steady.

That's well said, said Fryar Ihon, now this is something like a Tanzy. Come, Come,

Come, Children be nimble.— Good.— Loff, Loff.— Thus. — helm a weather. That's well said and thought on. Methinks the Storm is almost over. It was high time, faith; however the Lord be thanked.— Our Devils begin to scamper▪ — Out with all your Sails.— Hoist your Sails.— Hoist.— That's spoke like a Man, Hoist, Hoist.— Here agod's name honest Pono∣crates, thou'rt a lusty fornicator, the whore-Son, will get none but Boys. Eusthenes, thou art a notable Fellow. — Run up to the fore-top Saile. — Thus, Thus. — Well said, I faith, Thus, Thus. I dare not fear any thing all this while, for it is Holy-day. Vea, Vea, Vea! Husah! This shout of the Sea-men is not amiss, and pleases me, for it is Holy-day: Keep her full, Thus.— Good. Cheer up my merry Mates all, cry'd out Epistemon, I see already Castor on the Right. Be, Be, Bous, Bous, Bous, said Panurge, I am much afraid it is the Bitch Helen. 'Tis truly Mixarchagenas, return'd Epistemon, If thou likest better that denomination which the Argives give him. Ho, Ho! I see Land too; let her bear in with the Harbour, I see a good many People on the Beach: I see a light on an Obeliscolychny. Shorten your Sails, said the Pilot, fetch the sounding-Line, we must double that point of Land, and mind the Sands.— We are clear off them, said the Sailers. Soon after, away she goes, quoth

the Pilot, and so doth the rest of our Fleet: Help came in good season.

By St. John, said Panurge, This is spoke somewhat like: O the sweet Word! There's the Soul of Musick in't: Mgna, Mgna, Mgna, said Fryar Ihon, If ever thou tast a drop on't, let the Devil's-Dam tast me thou Ballocky Devil. Here honest Soul, here's a full Sneacker of the very best. Bring the Fla∣gons, Dost hear, Gymnast, and that same large Pasty Jambic, Gammonic, as you will have it. — Take heed you pilot her in Right.

Cheer, up cry'd out Pantagruel, Cheer up, my Boys: Let's be our selves again, do you see yonder close by our Ship, two Barks, three Sloops, five Ships, eight Pinks, four Yawls, and six Frigats, making towards us, sent by the good People of the neighbour∣ing Island to our Relief. But who is this Ʋcalegon below, that cry's and makes such a sad moan. Were it not that I hold the Mast firmly with both my hands, and keep it streighter than two hundred tacklings.— I'd.— It is (said Fryar Ihon) that poor Devil Panurge, who is troubled with a Calf's ague; he quakes for fear when his belly's full. If, said Pantagruel, he hath been afraid during this dreadfull Hurricane, and dange∣rous Storm, provided (waving that) he hath done his part like a Man, I do not value him a Jot the less for it. For as to fear

in all Encounters, is the mark of a heavy, and cowardly Heart, as Agamemnon did, who for that reason, is ignominiously tax'd by Achilles with having Dogs Eyes, and a Stags Heart; so, not to fear when the case is e∣vidently dreadful, is a sign of want or small∣ness of apprehension.

Now if any thing ought to be feard, in this Life, next to offending God, I will not say it is death; I will not meddle with the disputes of Socrates and the Academics, that death of it self is neither bad nor to be fear'd: But I will affirm that this kind of death by. Shipwrack is to be fear'd or no∣thing is. For as Homer saith, it is a grievous, dreadfull, and an unnatural thing to perish at Sea. And indeed Aeneas, in the Storm that took his fleet neer Sicily, was griev'd that he had not dy'd by the hand of the brave Diomedes, and said that those were three nay four times happy who perish'd with Troy. No Man here hath lost his Life; the Lord our Sa∣viour be eternally prais'd for it: But in truth here is a Ship sadly out of order. Well, we must take care to have the damage re∣pair'd. Take heed we do not run a ground and billage her.

CHAP. XXIII. How Panurge play'd the Good Fellow when the Storm was over.

WHat Cheer ho? fore and aft? quoth Panurge, Oh ho! All is well, the Storm is over. I beseech ye, be so kind as to let me be the first that is set on shoar; for I would by all means a little untru••s a point.— Shall I help you still, here, let me see, I'll coyle this Rope; I have plenty of courage, and of fear as little as may be. Give it me yonder, honest Tar— No, no, I have not a bit of fear. Indeed that same Decumane Wave that took us fore and aft somewhat alter'd my Pulse. — Down with your Sails, well said, how now, Fryar Jhon, you do nothing? Is it time for us to drink now? Who can tell but St. Martin's running Footman Belzebuth may still be hatching us some further mischie••? Shall I come and help you again? Pork and Pease choak me, if I do not heartily repent, tho' too late, not having followed the Do∣ctrine of the good Philosopher who tells us, That to walk by the Sea, and to navigate by the Shoar, are very safe and pleasant things; just as 'tis to go on foot when we hold our Horse by the Bridle. — Hah, hah, hah, by G — all goes well.— Shall I help you here too?

Let me see, I'll do this as it should be, or the Devil's in't.

Epistemon (who had the inside of one of his Hands all fleea'd and bloody, having held a Tackling with might and main) hearing what Pantagruel had said, told him, You may believe my Lord, I had my share of fear, as well as Panurge, yet I spar'd no pains in len∣ding my helping Hand. I consider'd, tha•• since by fatal and unavoidable necessity, w•• must all die, it is th•• blessed Will of God th•••• we die this or that ••••ur, and this or that ki•• of death; nevertheless we ought to implo••, invoke, pray, beseech, and supplicate him; but yet we must not stop there; it behoveth us also to use our endeavours on our side▪ and, as the Holy Writ saith, to cooperate with him.

You know what C. Flaminius the Consul said, when by Hannibal's Policy he was penn'd up near the Lake of Peruse alias Thrasymene, Friends (said he to his Soldiers) you must not hope to get out of this place barely by Vows or Prayers to the Gods; no, 'tis by Fortitude and Strength we must escape, and cut our selves a way with the edge of our Swords, through the midst of our Enemies.

Salust likewise makes M. Portius Cato say this, The help of the Gods is not obtain'd by idle Vows, and Womanish Complaints; 'tis by Vigi∣lance, Labour, and repeated Endeavours that all things succeed according to our Wishes and Designs.

If a Man in time of need and danger is negligent, heartless, and lazy, in vain he implores the Gods; they are then justly an∣gry and incens'd against him. The Devil take me, said Fryar Jhon (I'll go his halves, quoth Panurge) if the Close of Sevillé had not been all gather'd, vintag'd, glean'd and de∣stroy'd, if I had only sung Contra hostium in∣sidias (matter of Breviary) like all the rest of the Monking Devils, and had not bestir'd my self to save the Vineyard as I did, dispatching the Truant Piccaroons of Lern•• with the Staff of the Cross.

Let her sink or swim a Gods Name, said Panurge, all's one to Fryar Jhon, he doth nothing; his name is Fryar Jhon Doelittle; for all he sees me here a sweating and puffing to help with all my might this honest Tar first of the Name. — Hark you me, dear Soul, a word with you— but pray be not angry; how thick do you judge the Planks of our Ship to be? Some two good inches and up∣wards, return'd the Pilot, don't fear. Ods∣kilderkins, said Panurge, it seems then we are within two Fingers breadth of Damnation. Is this one of the nine Comforts of Matri∣mony? Ah, dear Soul, you do well to measure the danger by the Yard of fear. For my part I have none on't, my name is William Dread∣nought. As for Heart I have more than enough on't; I mean none of your Sheeps Heart; but of Wolfs Heart, the courage of a Bravoe;

by the Pavilion of Mars, I fear nothing but danger.

CHAP. XXIV. How Panurge was said to have been afraid, without reason, during the Storm.

GOOD morrow, Gentlemen, said Pan∣urge, Good morrow to you all, You are in very good health, thanks to Heaven, and your selves? You are all heartily well come, and in good time. Let us go on shoar— Here, Coxen, get the Ladder over the Gunnel, Man the sides, Man the pin∣nace, and get her by the Ships side.— Shall I yet lend you a hand here? I am stark mad for want of business, and would work like any two yoaks of Oxen. — Truly this is a fine Place, and these look like a very good People.— Children, do you want me still in any thing, do not spare the sweat of my Body, for godsake. Adam (that is man) was made to labour and work, as the Birds were made to fly, our Lord's Will is that we get our bread with the sweat of our brows, not idling and doing nothing like this tatterdemallion of a Monk

here, this Fryar Jack, who is fain to drink to hearten himself up, and dyes for fear.— Rare weather.— I now find the answer of Anacharsis, the noble Philosopher, very pro∣per; being ask'd what Ship he reckon'd the safest, he reply'd that which is in the Har∣bour: he made a yet better repartie, said Pantagruel, when some body inquiring which is greater, the number of the living, or that of the dead? He ask'd them amongst which of the two they reckon'd? those that are at Sea? ingeniously implying, that they are con∣tinually in danger of death, dying live, and living dye. Portius Cato also said that there were but three things of which he would re∣pent; That is, if ever he had trusted his Wife with his secret, if he had idled away a day, and if he had ever gone by Sea, to a place which he could visit by Land. By this dignified Frock of mine, said Fryar Ihon to Panurge, Friend thou hast been afraid during the Storm, without cause or reason; for thou wert not born to be drowned, but rather to be hang'd, and exalted in the Air, or to be roasted in the midst of a jolly bon∣fire. My Lord, would you have a good Cloak for the Rain? Leave me off your Wolf and Badger-skin mantle: Let Pan∣urge but be flead, and cover your self with his hide. But do not come near the Fire, nor near your Blacksmith's Forges a God's name, for in a moment you would see it in

ashes. Yet be as long as you please in the Rain, Snow, Hail, nay, by the Devil's ma∣ker, throw your self or dive down to the very bottom of the Water, I'll ingage you'll not be wet at all. Have some winter Boots made of it, they'le never take in a drop of Water; make Bladders of it to lay under Boys, to teach them to swim, instead of Corks, and they will learn without the least danger. His Skin then, said Pantagruel should be like the herb called, true maidens Hair, which never takes wet nor moistness, but still keeps dry, though you lay it at the bottom of the Water as long as you please, and for that reason is call'd Adiantos.

Friend Panurge, said Fryar Ihon, I pray thee never be afraid of Water, thy life for mine, thou art threatn'd with a contrary Element. Ay, ay, reply'd Panurge, but the Devil's Cooks dote some times, and are apt to make horrid blunders as well as others, often putting to boyle in water what was design'd to be roasted on the fire, like the head Cooks of our Kitchin, who often lard Partridges, Queests and Stockdoves with intent to roast them, one wou'd think, but it happens some∣times, that they e'en turn the Partridges into the Pot to be boyl'd with Cabbages, the Queests with leek Porradge, and the Stock∣doves with Turnips.

But hark you me, good Friends, I protest before this noble Company, that as for the

Chappel which I vow'd to Monsieur St. Nicholas, between Cande, and Monsoreau, I ho∣nestly mean that it shall be a Chappel, alias a Lymbeck of Rosewater, which shall be where neither Cow nor Calf shall be fed, for between you and I I intend to throw it to the bottom of the Water. Here is a rare Rogue for yee, said Eusthenes; here's a pure Rogue, a Rogue in grain, a Rogue enough, a Rogue and a half. He is resolv'd to make good the Italian Proverb, Passato el pe∣ricolo è gabato el Santo.

The Devil was sick, the Devil a Monk wou'd be; The Devil was well, and the Devil a Monk he'd be.

CHAP. XXV. How after the Storm, Pantagruel went on Shore in the Islands of the Macreons.

IMmediately after, we went a shoar at the Port of an Island, which they call'd the Island of the Macreons; the good People of the place receiv'd us very honourably. An old Macrobius (so they call'd their eldest El∣derman) desir'd Pantagruel to come to the

Town-house to refresh himself, and eat some∣thing, but he would not budge a foot, from the Mole, till all his Men were landed. After he had seen them, he gave order they should all change Cloaths, and that some of all the Stores in the Fleet, should be brought on shoar that every ships Crew might live well, which was accordingly done; and God wot how they all top'd, and carrouz'd; the People of the place brought them Provisions in abundance The▪ Pantagrueliests return'd them more: As the truth is, their's were somewhat damag'd by the late Storm. When they had well stuffed the insides of their Doublets, Pantagruel desired every one to lend their help to repair the damage, which they readily did. It was easy enough to resit there; for all the inhabitants of the Island were Carpenters, and all such handicrafts as are seen in the Arsenale at Venice. None but the largest Island was inhabited, having three Ports, and ten Parishes; the rest being o∣ver-run with Wood, and desert, much like the Forest of Arden. We entreated the old Macrobius to shew us what was worth seeing in the Island, which he did; and in the de∣sert and dark Forest, We discover'd several old ruined Temples, Obeliscs, Pyramids, Monu∣ments, and ancient Tombs, with diverse Inscriptions, and Epitaphs, some of them in hieroglyphic Characters, others in the Gothic Dialect, some in the Arabic, Agarenian, Scla∣Sclavonian

and other Tongues: Of which Epistemon took an exact Account. In the interim Panurge said to Fryar Jhon, is this the Island of the Macreons? Macreon signifies in Greek an old Man, or one much stricken in years. What's that to me, said Fryar Jhon, how can I help it? I was not in the Country when they Christen'd it. Now I think on't, quoth Panurge, I believe the Name of Ma∣kerel [that's a Bawd in French] was deriv'd from it: for, procuring is the Province of the old, as Buttock-riggling is that of the young. Therefore I don't know but this may be the Bawdy or Mackrel Island, the original and Prototype of the Island of that name at Pa∣••s. Let's go and drudge for Cock-Oysters. Old Macrobius ask'd in the Ionick Tongue, how, and by what industry and labour Pan∣tagruel got to their Port that day, there ha∣ving been such blustering weather, and such a dreadful Storm at Sea. Pantagruel told him, that the Almighty preserver of mankind had regarded the Simplicity, and sincere Affecti∣on of his Servants, who did not travel for Gain or sordid Profit, the sole design of their Voyage being a studious desire to know, see, and visit the Oracle of Bacb••••, and take the word of the Bottle upon some difficulties offer'd by one of the Company; neverthe∣less this had not been without great Afflicti∣on, and evident danger of Shipwrack. Af∣ter that, he ask'd him what he judg'd to be

the cause of that terrible Tempest, and if the adjacent Seas were thus frequently subject to Storms, as in the Ocean are the Ratz of Sam∣maieu, Maumusson, and in the Mediterranean Sea the Gulph of Sataly, Montargentan, Piombino, Ca∣po Melio in the Morea, the Streights of Gibraltar, Faro di Messina, and others.

CHAP. XXVI. How the good Macrobius gave us an Account of the Mansion, and decease of the Heroes.

THE good Macrobius then answer'd; Friendly strangers, this Island is one of the Sporades, not of your Sporades that lye in the Carpathian Sea, but one of the Spo∣rades of the Ocean; in former times rich, frequented, wealthy, populous, full of Traf∣fick, and in the Dominions of the Ruler of Britain: but now by Course of time, and in these latter Ages of the world, poor and desolate as you see. In this dark Forest above Seventy eight thousand Persian Leagues in Compass, is the dwelling place of the Daemons and Heroes, that are grown old, and we believe that some one of them dy'd Yesterday; since the Comet, which we saw

for three days before together, shines no more: and now 'tis likely, that at his Death there arose this horrible Storm; for while they are alive all Happiness attends both this and the adjacent Islands, and a setled Calm end Serenity. At the Death of every one •• them we commonly hear in the Forest ••ud and mournful groans, and the whole ••••nd is infested with Pestilence, Earthquakes, laundations and other Calamities; the Air with Fogs and obscurity, and the Sea with Storms and Hurricanes. What you tell us, seems to me likely enough, said Pantagruel. For as a Torch or Candle, as long as it hath Life enough and is lighted, shines round about, disperses its Light, delights those that are near it, yields them its Service and Clear∣••ess, and never causes any pain or displea∣sure; but as soon as 'tis extinguished, its Smoak and Evaporation infects the Air, of∣fends the By-standers, and is noisome to all; so, as long as those noble and renowned Souls ••••habit their Bodies, Peace, Profit, Pleasure, and Honour never leave the places where they abide; but as soon as they leave them, both the Continent and adjacent Islands are annoy'd with great Commotions; in the Air, Fogs, Darkness, Thunder, Hail, Tremblings, Pulsati∣••ns, Arietations of the Earth, Storms and Hurricanes at Sea, together with sad Com∣••aints amongst the People, Broaching of Re∣••ons, Changes in Governments, and Ruins of Commonwealths.

We had a sad instance of this lately, said Eu∣stemon, at the Death of that valiant and learned Knight William du Bellay, during whose Life France enjoy'd so much Happiness, that all the rest of the world look'd upon it with En∣vy, sought Friendship with it, and stood in awe of its Power; but soon after his decease it hath for a considerable time been the Scorn of the rest of the world.

Thus, said Pantagruel, Anchises being dead at Drepany in Sicily, Aeneas was dreadfully tost and endanger'd by a Storm, and perhaps for the same reason Herod, that Tyrant and cruel King of Judea, finding himself near the Pangs of a horrid kind of Death, for he dy'd of a Phthiriasis, devour'd by Vermin and Lice; as before him dy'd L. Sylla, P••e∣recides the Syrian Preceptor, Pythagoras, the Greek Poet Alemaeon and others) and foreseeing that the Jews would make Bonfires at his Death, caus'd all the Nobles and Magistrates to be Summoned to his Seraglio out of all the Cities, Towns, and Castles of Judea, fraudu∣lently pretending that he had some things of moment to impart to them. They made their personal Appearance; whereupon he caus'd them all to be shut up in the Hippodrome of the Seraglio; then said to his Sister Salome, and Alexander her Husband; I am certain that the Jews will rejoyce at my Death, but, if you will observe and perform what I will tell you, my Funeral shall be honourable,

and there will be a general Mourning; As soon as you see me dead, let my Guards, to whom I have already given strict Commis∣sion to that purpose, kill all the Noblemen and Magistrates that are secur'd in the Hippo∣drome. By these means all Jewry shall in spight of themselves be oblig'd to mourn and la∣ment, and Foreigners will imagine it to be for my Death, as if some Heroic Soul had left her Body. A desperate Tyrant wish'd as much, when he said; When I dye, let Earth and Fire be mix'd together, which was as good as to say, let the whole world perish: Which saying the Tyrant Nero alter'd, saying, While I live, as Suetonius affirms it. This detestable saying, of which Cicero lib. 3. de finib. and Seneca, lib. 2. de Clementia make mention, is ascrib'd to the Emperour Tiberius, by Dion Ni∣caus and Suidas.

CHAP. XXVII. Pantagruel's Discourse of the Decease of Heroic Souls; and of the dread∣ful Prodigies that happen'd before the Death of the late Lord de Lan∣gey.

I Would not, continu'd Pantagruel, have miss'd the Storm that hath thus disorder'd us were I also to have miss'd the relation of these thing told us by this good Macrobius. Neither am •• unwilling to believe what he said of a Co•••• that appears in the Sky some days before such a Decease. For some of those Souls are so Noble, so Pretious, and so Heroic, that Heaven gives us notice of their depart∣ing, some days before it happens. And as a Prudent Physician seeing by some Symp∣toms that his Patient draws towards his end, some days before, gives notice of it to his Wife, Children, Kindred, and Friends, that, in that little time he hath yet to live, they may admonish him to settle all things in his Family, to tutor and instruct his Chil∣dren as much as he can, recommend his Re∣lict to his Friends, in her Widowhood, de∣clare what he knows to be necessary about a Provision for the Orphans, that he may not

be surpris'd by Death without making his Will, and may take care of his Soul and Fa∣mily; In the same manner the Heavens, as it were, joyful for the approaching reception of those blessed Souls, seem to make Bon∣fires by those Comets and blazing Meteors, which they at the same time kindly design should Prognosticate to us here, that in few days one of those venerable Souls is to leave her Body, and this Terrestrial Globe. Not altogether unlike this was what was former∣ly done at Athens by the Judges of the Are••∣pagus. For when they gave their Verdict to cast or clear the Culprits that were try'd before them, they us'd certain notes accor∣ding to the substance of the Sentences; by Θ. signifying Condemnation to Death; by T. Absolution; by A. Ampliation or a De∣mur, when the case was not sufficiently ex∣amin'd. Thus having publickly set up those Letters, they eas'd the Relations and Friends of the Prisoners, and such others as desir'd to know their Doom, of their doubts. Like∣wise by these Comets, as in etherial Chara∣cters, the Heavens silently say to us, Make haste, Mortals, if you would know or learn of these blessed Souls any thing concerning the publick good, or your private Interest; for, their Catastrophe is near, which being past, you will vainly wish for them after∣wards.

The good natur'd Heavens still do more; and, that Mankind may be declar'd unwor∣thy of the injoyment of those Renown'd Souls, they fright and astonish us with Pro∣digies, Monsters, and other foreboding Signs, that thwart the Order of Nature.

Of this we had an instance several days be∣fore the decease of the Heroick Soul of the Learned and Valiant Chevalier de Langey, of whom you have already spoken. I remem∣ber it, said Epistemon, and my Heart still trembles within me, when I think on the ma∣ny dreadful Prodigies that we saw five or six days before he dy'd. For the Lords of D'as∣s••••, C••emant, one-ey'd Mailly, St. Ayl, Villeneu∣••ue-la Guyart, Master Gabriel, Physician of Sa∣••••llan, Rabelais, Cohuau, Massuau, Ma••••rici, Bullou, Cereu alias Bourgmaistre, Francis Proust, Ferron, Charles Girard, Francis Bourré, and many other Friends and Servants to the De∣ceased, all dismay'd, gaz'd on each other with∣out uttering one word; yet not without foreseeing that France would in a short time be depriv'd of a Knight so accomplish'd and necessary for its Glory and Protection, and that Heaven claim'd him again as its due. By the tufted Tip of my Cowle, cry'd Fryar Jhon, I am e'en resolv'd to become a Scho∣lar before I die. I have a pretty good Head-piece of my own, you must own. Now pray give me leave to ask you a civil Que∣stion; Can these same Heroes and Demigods

you talk of die? May I never be damn'd, if I was not so much a Lobcock as to believe they had been Immortal like so many fine Angels; Heaven forgive me! but this most Reverend Father Macroby tells us, They die at l••st. We all must, return'd Pantagruel.

The Stoicks held them all to be Mor∣••••l, except one, who alone is Immortal, Im∣possible, Invisible. Pindar plainly saith, That there is no more Thread, that is to say, no more Life spun from the Distaff and Flax of the hard-hearted Fates for the Goddesses ••am••d••yades, than there is for those Trees 〈◊〉〈◊〉 are preserv'd by them, which are good sturdy downright Oaks, whence they deriv'd their Original according to the Opinion of Cal∣limachus and Pausanias in Ph••••i; with whom con∣curs Martianus Capella. As for the Demigods, F••••••••s, Satyrs, Sylvans, Hobgoblins, Aegpanes, N••mphs, Heroes, and Daemons, several Men ••a••e, from the total Sum, which is the re∣s••lt of the divers Ages Calculated by He••ied, reckon'd their life to be 9720 years, that 〈◊〉〈◊〉 consisting of four special numbers order∣ly arising from one, the same added together ••••d multiplied by four every way, amounts to forty; these forties being reduc'd into Tri∣angles by five times, make up the total of the aforesaid number. See Plutarch in his Book about the Cessation of Oracles.

This, said Fryar Jhon, is not matter of Breviary, I may believe as little or as much

of it as you and I please. I believe, said Pantagruel, that all Intellectual Souls are ex∣empted from Atropos's Scissers. They are all immortal whether they be of Angels, of De∣mons, or Human: Yet I'll tell you a story concerning this, that's very strange, but is writ∣ten and affirm'd by several learned Histori∣ans.

CHAP. XXVIII. How Pantagruel related a very sad story of the Death of the Heroes.

EPITHERSES the Father of Emilia•• the Rhetorician, sailing from Greece to Italy, in a Ship freighted with divers Goods, and Passengers, at night, the wind fail'd'em near the Echinades, some Islands that lye between the Morea and Tunis, and the Vessel was dri∣ven near Paxos. When they were got thither, some of the passengers being asleep, others awake, the rest eating and drinking, a voice was heard that call'd aloud, Thamous; which cry surpris'd them all. This same Thamous was their Pilot, an Egyptian by birth, but known by name only to some few Travel∣lers. The voice was heard a second time call∣ing Thamous, in a frigthful Tone, and none mak∣ing answer but trembling and remaining silent,

the Voice was heard a third time, more dreadfull than before.

This caus'd Thamous to answer; here am I, What dost thou call me for? What wilt thou have me do? Then the Voice louder than before, bad him publish when he should come to Paloda, That the great God Pan was dead.

Epitherses related, that all the Mariners, and Passengers, having heard this were ex∣treamly amaz'd and frighted; and that con∣sulting among themselves, whether they had b••st conceal or divulge what the Voice had injoyn'd, Thamous said, his advice was, That if they happen'd to have a fair wind, they sh••u••d proceed without mentioning a word on't, but if they chanc'd to be becalm'd, he would publish what he had heard: Now when they were near Paloda they had no Wind, neither were they in any Current. T••••m••us then getting up on the top of the Ship's forecastle, and casting his Eyes on the shoar, said that he had been commanded to proclaim, that the great God Pan was dead. The words were hardly out of his Mouth, when deep Groans, great Lamenta∣tions, and Shrieks, not of one Person but of many together, were heard from the Land.

The News of this, (many being present then) was soon spread at R••me; insomuch that Tiberius, who was then Emperor, sen••

for this Thamous, and having heard him, gave credit to his words, and inquiring of the Learned in his Court and at Rome, who was that Pan? He found by their relation that he was the Son of Mercury and Penelope, as Herodotus, and Cicero in his third book of the nature of the Gods, had written before.

For my part, I understand i•• of that great Saviour of the Faithfull, who was shamefully put to Death at Jerusalem by the envy and wickedness of the Doctors. Priests, and Monks of the M••saie Law. And me∣thinks, my Interpretation is not improper, for he may lawfully be said in the Greek Tongue to be Pan▪ since he is our All For all that we are, all that we live, all that we have, all that we hope, is him, by him▪ ••••••m him, and in him. He is the good ••an, the great Shepherd, who as the loving Sheperd C••••yden affirms, hath not only a ten∣d••r Love and Affection for his Sheep, but 〈◊〉〈◊〉 for their Shepherds. At his death com∣plaints, sighs, fears and lamentations were 〈◊〉〈◊〉 ••ad through the whole Fabric of the uni∣vers••, whether Heavens, Land, Sea, or Hell.

The time also concurs with this inter∣pretation of mine; for this most good, most mighty Pan, our only Saviour, dyed near Je••••salem during the Reign of Tiberius Cae∣sar.

Pantagruel having ended this discourse, remain'd silent, and full of Contempla∣tion;

a little while after, we saw the tears flow out of his eyes as big as Ostridg's Eggs. God take me presently if I tell you one sin∣gle syllable of a Lye in the matter.

CHAP. XXIX. How Pantagruel sail'd by the Snea∣king Island where Shrove-tide reign'd.

THE Jovial Fleet being re••••••ed and re∣par'd, new Stores ••en in, the Macre∣••ns over and 〈◊〉〈◊〉 satisfy'd, and pleased with the Money spent there by Pantagruel, our Men in better humour yet then they us'd to be if possible, we merrily put to sea the next day near Sun-set, with a de∣licious fresh Gale.

Xenomanes show'd us afar off the Sneaking Island where reign'd Shrovetide, of whom Pantagruel had heard much talk formerly; for that Reason, he would gladly have seen him in Person, had not Xenomanes advis'd him to the contrary: First because this would have been much out of our way, and then for the lean Cheer, which he told us, was to be found at that Prince's Court, and in∣deed all over the Island.

You can see nothing there for your Mo∣ney (said he) but a huge Greedy-Guts, a tall woundy swallower of hot Wardens and Muscles, a Longshank'd Mole-catcher, an over grown Bottler of hay, a Mossy-chin'd, Demy-giant, with a double shaven Crown, of Lantern Breed, a very great Loytering Nod∣dy-peak'd youngster, Banner-bearer to the Fish-eating Tribe, Dictator of Mustard-land, Flogger of little Children, Calciner of Ashes, Father and Foster-father to Physicians, swarm∣ing with Pardons, Indulgencies, and Stations; a very honest Man; a good Catholic and as brim full of Devotion as ever he can hold.

He wee•••• the Three fourth parts of the day, and never ••sts at any Weddings; but give the Devil his 〈◊〉〈◊〉, ••e's the most industri∣ous Larding-stick, and S••••••e-maker in forty Kingdoms.

About Six years ago, as I pass'd by Sneak∣ing Land, I brought home a large Scure from thence and made a Present of it to the Butchers of Quande, who set a great value upon them, and that for a Cause: sometime or other, if ever we live to come back to our own Country, I will shew you two of them fastned on the great Church-Porch. His usual Food is pickled Coats of Mail, salt Helmets and Head-pieces, and salt Sallads; which sometimes makes him piss Pins and Needles. As for his Cloathing 'tis Comical enough o•• Conscience, both for make and colour;

for he wears Grey and Cold, nothing before, and nought behind, with the Sleeves of the same.

You will do me a kindness, said Panta∣gruel, if as you have described his Cloths, Food, Actions, and Pastimes, you will also give me an Account of his Shape, and Disposition in all his Parts; Prethee do, dear Cod, said Fryar Ihon, for I have found him in my Bre∣viary, and then follow the moveable Holy∣days? With all my heart, answer'd X••••••manes, We may chance to hear more of him as we touch at the Wild Island, the Dominion of the Squob Chitterlings his Enemies; against whom he is eternally at odds, and were it not for the help of the noble Carnaval their Protector, and good Neighbour, this Mea∣gre-look'd Lozelly Shrovetide would long be∣fore this have made sad work among them, and rooted them out of their Habitation. Are these same Chitterlings, said Fryar Ihon, Male or Female, Angels or Mortals, Wo∣men or Maids? They are, reply'd Xenomanes, Female in Sex, Mortal in kind, some of them Maids, others not. The Devil have me, said Fryar Ihon, if I been't for them. What a shameful disorder in Nature is it not, to make War against Women. Let's go back, and back the Villain to pieces.— What! meddle with Shrovetide, cry'd Panurge, in the name of Belzebub, I am not yet so wea∣ry of my Life. No, I'm not yet so mad as

that comes to. Quid juris? Suppose we should find our selves pent up between the Chitterlings and Shrovetide? between the An∣vil and the Hammers? Shankers, and Buboes; stand off; Godzooks let's make the best of our way. I bid you good Night, sweet Mr. Shrovetide, I recommend to you the Chit∣terlings, and pray don't forget the Puddings.

CHAP. XXX. How Shrovetide is anatomiz'd and describ'd by Xenomanes.

AS for the inward Parts of Shrovetide, said Xenomanes, his Brain, is (at least it was in my time) in Bigness, Colour, Sub∣stance and Strength, much like the left Cod of a He-hand-worm.

The Ventricles of his said Brain, like an Augre.

The Worm-like Excrescence, like a Christmas-Box.

The Membranes, like a Monk's Cowle.

The Funnel, like a Mason's Chissel.

The Fernix, like a Casket.

The Glandula pinealis, like a Bag-pipe.

The Rete Admirabile, like a Gutter.

The Dug-like Proc••sses, like a Patch.

The Tympanums, like a Whirly Gig.

The Rocky bones, like a Goose-wing.

The Nape of the Neck, like a Paper Lan∣thorn.

The Nerves, like a Pipkin.

The Ʋvula, like a Sack butt.

The Palate▪ like a Mittain.

The Spittle, like a Shuttle.

The Almonds, like a Telescope.

The Bridge of his Nose, like a Wheel barrow.

The Head of the Larynx, like a Vintage Basket.

The Stomach, like a Belt.

The Pylorus, like a Pitchfork.

The Windpipe, like an Oyster-knife.

The Throat, like a Pincushion stuff'd with Oakham.

The Lungs, like a Prebend's Fur-gown.

The Heart, like a Cope.

The Mediastin, like an earthen Cup.

The Pleura, like a Crows-bill.

The Arteries, like a Watch-coat.

The Midriff, like a Mounteer-Cap.

The Liver, like a double Tongu'd Mattock.

The Veins, like a Sash-window.

The Spleen, like a Catcal.

The Guts, like a Trammel.

The Gall, like a Coopers Ads.

The Entrails, like a Gantlet.

The Mesentery, like an Abbot's Myter.

The Hungry Gut, like a Button.

The Blind Gut, like a Breast-plate.

The Colon, like a Bridle.

The Arse-Gut, like a Monk's leathern Bottle.

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The Kidneys, like a Trowel.

The Loyns like a Padlock.

The Ʋreters like a Pot-hook.

The Emulgent Veins, like two Gilly-flowers.

The Spermatick Vessels▪ like a Cully-mully-puff.

The Parastata's, like an Ink-pot.

The Bladder, like a Stone-bow.

Its Neck, like a Mill-Clapper.

The Mirach, or lower parts of the Belly, like a High crown'd Hat.

The Siphach, or its Inner Rind, like a Woo∣den Cuff.

The Muscles like a pair of Bellows.

The Tend••ns, like a Hawking Glove.

The Ligaments, like a Tinker's Budget.

The Bones, like three corner'd Cheese-Cakes.

The Marrow, like a Wallet.

The Cartilages, like a Field Tortoise, alias a M••le.

The Glandules in the Mouth, like a Pruning-Knife.

The Animal Spirits, like swindging Fifty-cuffs.

The Blood fermenting, like a multiplication of flurts on the Nose.

The Ʋrin, like a Fig-pecker.

The Sperm, like a hundred of Tenpenny-Nails.

And his Nurse told me, That being Mar∣ried to Mid-Lent, he only begot a good num∣ber of Local Adverbs, and certain double Fasts.

His Memory he had like a Scarf.

His Common Sence, like a buzzing of Bees.

His Imagination, like the Chime of a Set of Bells.

His Thoughts, like a flight of Starlings.

His Conscience, like the unnestling of a parcel of young Herns.

His Deliberations, like a set of Organs.

His Repentance, like the Carriage of a double Canon.

His Ʋndertakings, like the Ballast of a Galion.

His Ʋnderstanding, like a torn Breviary.

His Notions, like Snails crawling out of Strawberries.

His Will, like three Filberts in a Porrenger.

His Desire, like six Trusses of Hay.

His Judgment, like a Shoing-horn.

His Discretion, like the truckle of a Pully.

His Reason, like a Cricket.

CHAP. XXXI. Shrovetide's outward parts Anatomiz'd.

SHrovetide, continued Xenomanes, is somewhat better proportion'd in his outward Parts, excepting the seven Ribs which he had over and above the common shape of Men.

His Toes were like a Virginal on an Organ.

His Nails, like a Gimlet.

His Feet, like a Guitar.

His Heels, like a Club.

The Soles of his Feet, like a Crucible.

His Legs like a Hawk's Lure.

His Knees, like a J••ynt-Ste••l.

His Thighs, like a Steel Cap.

His Hips, like a Wimble.

His Belly as big as a T••••, button'd after the 〈◊〉〈◊〉 Fashion, with a Girdle riding over the middle of his Bosom.

His Navel, like a Cymbal.

His Groyn, like a Minc'd Pye.

His Member, like a Slipper.

His Purse, like an Oyl-Cruet.

His Genitals, like a Joyners Plainer.

Their Erecting Muscles, like a Racket.

The Perineum, like a Flageolet.

His Arse-hole, like a Crystal-Looking Glass.

His Bum, like a Harrow.

His Loyns, like a Butter-pot.

The Peritonaeum, or Caul wherein his Bowels were wrap'd, like a Billiard-Table.

His Back, like an overgrown rack-bent Cross-Bow.

The Vertebrae, or Joynts of his Back-bone, like a Bag-pipe.

His Ribs, like a Spinning-Wheel.

His Brisket, like a Canopy.

His Shoulder-Blades, like a Mortar.

His Breast, like a Game at Nine-pins.

His Paps, like a Horn-Pipe.

His Arm-pits, like a Chequer.

His Shoulders, like a Hand-barrow.

His Arms, like a Riding-Hood.

His Fingers, like a Brotherhood's Andirons.

The Fibulae, or lesser Bones of his Legs, like a pair of Stiles.

His Shin-bones, like Sickles.

His Elbows, like a Mouse-Trap.

His Hands, like a Curry-Comb.

His Neck, like a Talboy.

His Throat, like a Felt to destil Hippocras.

The Knob in his Throat, like a Barrel, where hang'd two brazen Wens, very fine and harmo∣nious, in the shape of an Hour-glass.

His Beard, like a Lanthorn.

His Chin, like a Mushrom.

His Ears, like a pair of Gloves.

His Nose, like a Bu••k••n.

His Nostrils, like a Forehead-Cloth.

His Eye-brows like a Dripping-pan.

On his left Brow, was a mark of the shape and bigness of an Ʋrinal.

His Eye-lids, like a Fiddle.

His Eyes, like a Comb-box.

His Optick Nerves, like a Tinder box.

His Forehead, like a false Cup.

His Temples, like the Cock of a Cistern.

His Cheeks, like a pair of Wooden S••••es.

His Jaws, like a Cawdle Cup.

His Teeth, like a Hunter's Staff. Of such Colts Teeth as his, you will find one at Colon∣ges les Royaux in Poictou, and two at la Brosse in Xaintonge, on the Celler-door.

His Tongue, like a Jews-Harp.

His Mouth, like a Horse-Cloth.

His Face imbroider'd like a Mule's Pack Saddle.

His Head contriv'd like a Still.

His Scull, like a Pouch.

The Suturae, or Seams of his Skull, like the An∣nulus Piscatoris, or the Fisher's Signet.

His Skin, like a Gabardine.

His Epidermis, or outward Skin, like a Boulting-Cloth.

His Hair, like a Scrubbing-Brush.

His Fur, such as abovesaid.

CHAP. XXXII. A Continuation of Shrovetide's Coun∣tenance.

'TIs a wonderful thing, continu'd Xeno∣manes, to hear and see the State of Shrovetide.

If he chanc'd to Spit, it was whole Baskets full of Goldfinches.

If he blow'd his Nose, it was pickl'd Grigs.

When he Wept, it was Ducks with Onion Sauce.

When he Trembl'd, it was large Venison Pasties.

When he did Sweat, it was Old L••ng with Butter Sauce.

When he Belch'd, it was Bushels of Oysters.

When he Sneez'd, it was whole Tubs full of Mu∣stard.

When he Cough'd, it was Boxes of Marmalade.

When he Sob'd, it was Water-Cresses.

When he Yawn'd, it was Pots full of Pickl'd Pease.

When he Sigh'd, it was dry'd Neats Tongues.

When he Whistled, it was a whole Scuttle full of green Apes.

When he Snoar'd, it was a whole Pan-full of fry'd Beans.

When he Frown'd, it was Sows'd-Hogs-Feet.

When he spoke, it was course brown Russet Cloth; so little it was like Crimson Silk with which Parisatis desir'd that the words of such as spoke to her Son Cyrus King of Persia, should be interwoven.

When he Blow'd, it was Indulgence-Money boxes.

When he Wink'd, it was Butter'd Buns.

When he Grumbled, it was March Cats.

When he Nodded, 'twas Iron-bound Waggons.

When he made Mouths, it was broken Staves.

When he Mutter'd, it was Lawyers Revels.

When he Hopp'd about, it was Letters of Licence and Protections.

When he step'd back, it was Sea Cockle shells.

When he Slabber'd, it was common Ovens.

When he was Hoarse, it was an entry of Morrice-Dancers.

When he broke Wind, it was Dun-Cows-Leather Spatter dashes.

When he Funk'd, it was Wash'd Leather Boots.

When he scratch'd himself, it was new Proclama∣tions.

When he sung, it was Pease in Cods.

When he Evacuated, it was Mushroms and Mo∣ralles.

When he Puffed▪ it was Cabbages with Oyl, alias Caules Ambolif.

When he Talk'd, it was the last years Snow.

When he Dreamt, it was of a Cock and a Bull.

When he gave nothing, so much for the Bearer.

If he Thought to himself, it was Whimsies and Maggots.

If he Doz'd, it was Leases of Lands.

What is yet more strange, he us'd to work doing Nothing, and did nothing, tho' he work'd; Carous'd Sleeping, and slept carousing, with his Eyes open like the Hares in our Country, for fear of being taken Napping by the Chitterlings his inveterate Enemies; Biting he Laugh'd, and laughing bit; Eat nothing Fasting, and fasted eating nothing; mumbled upon Suspicion, drank by Imagination; Swam on the tops of high Steeples, dry'd his Clothes in Ponds and Rivers; Fish'd in the Air, and there us'd to catch Decumane Lobsters; Hunted at the bottom of the Herring-Pond, and caught there Ibi∣ces, Stamboues, Shamois and other wild Goats; us'd to put out the Eyes of all the Crows which he took sneakingly; fear'd nothing but his own shadow, and the cries of fat Kids; us'd to gad abroad some days like a Truant School-boy; play'd with the Ropes of Bells on Festival days of Saints; made a

Mallet of his fist, and writ on hairy Parchment Prognostications and Almanacks with his huge Pincase.

Is that the Gentleman, said Fryar Jhon, he is my Man: this is the very fellow I lookt for; I'll send him a Challenge immediately. This is, said Pantagruel, a strange and monstrous sort of a Man, if I may call him a Man. You put me mind of the form and looks of Amodunt and Dissonance. How were they made said Fryar Jhon? may I be peel'd like a raw Onion if ever I heard a word of them. I'll tell you what I read of them in some ancient Apologues, reply'd Pantagruel.

Physis (that is to say Nature) at her first Burthen, begat Beauty, and Harmony, with∣out Carnal Copulation, being of her self ve∣ry Fruitful and Prolifick: Antiphysis, who ever was the Counter part of Nature, im∣mediately out of a Malicious spight against her for Beatiful and Honourable Productions, in opposition, begot Amodunt and Dissonance, by Copulation with Tellumon. Their Heads were round like a Football, and not gently flatted on both sides like the common shape of Men. Their Ears stood prick'd up like those of Asses; their Eyes, as hard as those of Crabs, and without Brows, star'd out of their Heads, fix'd on Bones like those of our Heels; their Feet were round like Tennis-Balls; their Arms and Hands turn'd backwards towards their Shoulders, and they walk'd on their

Heads, continually turning round like a B••ll, topsie-turvy Heels over Head.

Yet (as you know that Apes esteem their Young the handsomest in the World) Antiphysis extolld her off-spring and strove to prove, that their shape was handsomer and neater, than that of the Children of Physis; saying that thus to have Spherical Heads, and Feet, and walk in a circular Manner, whee∣ling round, had something in it of the per∣fection of the divine Power, which makes all beings eternally turn in that fa∣shion; and that to have our Feet upper∣most and the Head below them, was to imitate the Creator of the universe, the Hair being like the roots, and the Legs like the branches of Man; for Trees are bet∣ter planted in the Earth by the roots, than they could be by their branches. By this demonstration, she imply'd that her Children were much more to be prais'd, for being like a standing Tree, than those of Physis that made the figure of a Tree upside down: As for the Arms and Hands, she pretended to prove that they were more justly turn'd towards the shoulders, because that part of the Body ought not to be without a defence, while the fore part is duly fenc'd with Teeth, which a Man cannot only use to chew, but also to defend himself against those things that offend him. Thus by the testi∣mony, and astipulation of the brute Beasts,

she drew all the witless herd, and mob of Fools into her opinion, and was admir'd by all brainless and nonsensical People.

Since that, she begot the hypocritical Tribes of eves-dropping dissemblers, super∣stitious Popemongers and Priestridden big∣gots, the Frantic Pistole••s, the Scrapers of Benefices, Apparitors with the Devil in th••m, and other Grinders and Squeezers of Livings, your mad Herb-stinking Hermits, gulligu••∣••ed dunces of the Cowl, Church-vermin, false zealots, devourers of the Substance of Men, and many more other deform'd and ill favour'd Monsters, made in spight of Nature.

CHAP. XXXIII. How Pantagruel discover'd a Mon∣strous Physetere, or Whirlpool near the Wild Island.

ABOUT Sun set coming near the Wild Island, Pantagruel spy'd afar off a huge monstrous Physetere, a sort of a Whale (which some call a Whirl pool,) that came right upon us neighing, snorting, rais'd above the Waves higher than our main Tops, and spouting Water all the way into the Air, before it self, like a large River falling

from a Mountain: Pantagruel show'd it to the Pilot, and to Xenomanes.

By the Pilot's advice the Trumpets of the Thalamege were sounded, to warn all the Fleet to stand close and look to themselves; This Alarm being given, all the Ships, Gallions, Frigats, Brigantines, (accord∣ing to their Naval discipline) placed them∣selves in the Order and figure of an Y. [Ʋpsilon,] the Letter of Pythagoras, as Cranes do in their flight, and like an Angle, in whose Cone and Basis the Thalamege plac'd her self ready to fight smartly: Fryar Ihon with the Granadeers, got on the Forecastle.

Poor Panurge began to Cry and Howl worse then ever Babillebabou, said he, shrug∣ing up his shoulders, quivering all over with fear, There will be the Devil upon Dun. This is a worse business than That t'other Day; let us fly, let us fly; old Nick take me if it is not Leviathan, de∣scrib'd by the noble Prophet Moses, in the life of Patient Job. It will swallow us all, Ships and Men, Shag, Rag, and Bobtail, like a dose of Pills. Alas, it will make no more of us, and we shall hold no more room in its hellish Jaws, than a Sugar-plum in an Asses Throat. Look, Look, 'tis upon us, let's wheel off, whip it away and get ashoar. I believe 'tis the very individual Sea Monster, that was formerly design'd to devour Andromeda; we are all undone.

Oh! for some valiant Perseus here now to kill the Dog.

I'll do it's business presently, said Panta∣gruel; fear nothing. Odds-belly, said Panurge, remove the cause of my fear then; when, the Devil, would you have a Man be afraid, but when there is so much Cause? If your Destiny be such as Fryar Ihon was saying a while ago (reply'd Pantagruel) you ought to be afraid of Pyrois, Eöus, Aethon and Phlegon the Suns Coach-horses, that breath Fire at the Nostrils, and not of Physeters, that spout nothing but water at the Snout and Mouth. Their water will not endanger your Life; and that Element will rather save and pre∣serve, than hurt or endanger you.

Ay, ay, trust to that, and hang me, quoth Panurge, yours is a very pretty Fancy; Od's Fish, did I not give you a sufficient ac∣count of the Elements Transmutation, and the Blunders that are made of Roast for Boyld, and Boyld for Roast? Alas here 'tis: I'le go hide my self below. We are dead Men every Mother's Son of us; I see upon our main Top that merciless Hagg Atro∣pos with her Scizzers new ground, ready to cut our Threads all at one Snip. Oh! how dreadful and abominable thou art; Thou hast drown'd a good many, besides us, who never made their Brags of it. Did it but spout good brisk, dainty, delicious White-wine, instead of this damn'd bitter Salt∣water,

one might better bear with it, and there would be some cause to be Patient, like that English Lord who being doom'd to dye, and had leave to choose what kind of Death he would, chose to be drown'd in a Butt of M••lmsie. Here it is.— Oh, oh, Devil, Sa∣thanas, Leviathan, I can't abide to look up∣on thee, thou art so abominable Ugly.— Go to the Bar, go take the Pettifoggers.

CHAP. XXXIV. How the monstrous Physetere was slain by Pantagruel.

THE Physetere coming between the Ships and the Gallions, threw water by whole Tuns upon them, as if it had been the Catadupes of the Nile in Ethiopia. On the other side, Arrows, Darts, Gleaves, Jave∣lins, Spears, Harping Irons, and Partizan▪ fl••w upon it like Hail. Fryar Ihon did not spare himself in it. Panurge was half dead for fear. The Artillery roar'd and thunder'd like mad, and seem'd to gawl it in good ear∣nest, but did but little good; for, the great Iron and Brass-Cannon-shot entring it's Skin, seem'd to melt like Tiles in the Sun.

Pantagruel then considering the weight and Exigency of the matter, stretched out his Arms, and shew'd what he could do. You tell

us, and it is recorded that Commod•••• the Roman Emperour could shoot with a Bow so dextrously that at a good distance he would let fly an Arrow through a Child's fingers, and never touch them. You also tell us of an Indian Archer, who liv'd when Alexander the Great conquer'd India, and was so skil∣ful in drawing the Bow, that at a considera∣ble distance he would shoot his Arrows thro' a Ring, though they were three Cubits long, and their Iron so large and weighty that with them he us'd to pierce steel Cutlasses, thick Shields, steel Breast-plates, and generally what he did hit, how firm, resisting, hard and strong soever it were. You also tell us won∣ders off the Industry of the ancient Francks, who were preferred to all others in point of Archery, and when they hunted either Black or Dun Beasts, us'd to rub the head of their Arrows with Hellebore, because the flesh of the Venison struck with such an Arrow, was more tender, dainty, wholsome and delicious, (paring off nevertheless the part that was touch'd, round about.) You also talk of the Parthians who us'd to shoot backwards more dextrously than other Nations forwards; and also celebrate the Skill of the Scythians in that Art, who sent once to Darius King of Per∣sia an Embassador that made him a present of a Bird, a Frog, a Mouse and five Arrows, without speaking one word; and being ask'd, what those Presents meant, and if he had

Commission to say any thing, answer'd that he had not; Which puzzled and gravell'd Darius very much; till Gobrias one of the se∣ven Captains that had kill'd the Magi explain'd it, saying to Darius, By these Gifts and Of∣ferings the Scythians silently tell you, that ex∣cept the Persians like Birds fly up to Heaven, like Mice hide themselves near the Centre of the Earth, or like Frogs dive to the very bot∣tom of Ponds and Lakes, they shall be destroy∣ed by the Power and Arrows of the Scythians.

The Noble Pantagruel was without Com∣parison, more admirable yet in the Art of Shooting and Darting; for with his dreadful Piles and Darts, nearly resembling the huge Beams that support the Bridges of Nantes, Saumur, Bergerac, and at Paris the Millers and the Changers Bridges, in length, size, weight, and Ironwork, he at a Mile's distance would open an Oyster and never touch the edges; he would snuff a Candle without putting it out, would shoot a Magpy in the Eye, take off a Boot's under-soal, or a Riding-hood's lining without soylling them a bit, turn over every leaf of Fryar Jhon's Breviary one af∣ter another, and not tear one.

With such Darts, of which there was good store in his Ship, at the first blow he ran the Physetere in at the Forehead so furiously, that he pierc'd both its Jaws and Tongue, so that from that time to this it no more open'd its Guttural Trap-door▪ nor drew and

spouted water. At the second blow he put out its right Eye, and at the third its left; and we had All the pleasure to see the Physetere bearing those three Horns in its Forehead, somewhat leaning forwards in an equilateral Triangle.

Mean while it turn'd about to and fro stag∣gering and straying like one stunn'd, blinded, and taking his leave of the World. Panta∣gruel not satisfy'd with this, let fly another Dart, which took the Monster under the Tail likewise sloping; then with three other on the Chyne in a perpendicular line divided its Flank from the Tail to the Snout at an equal distance; then he larded it with fifty on one side, and after that to make even work, he darted as many on its other side; so that the Body of the Physetere seem'd like the hulk of a Gallion with three Masts, joyn'd by a competent dimension of its Beams, as if they had been the Ribs and chainwales of the Keel, which was a pleasant sight. The Physetere then giving up the Ghost, turn'd it self upon its back, as all dead Fishes do, and being thus overturn'd with the Beams and Darts up∣side down in the Sea, it seem'd a Scolopendria or Centipede, as that Serpent is describ'd by the ancient Sage Nicander.

CHAP. XXXV. How Pantagruel went on shoar in the Wild Island, the ancient abode of the Chitterlings.

THe Boat's Crew of the Ship Lantera tow'd the Physetere ashoar on the Neighbouring shoar (which happened to be the Wild Island) to make an Anatomical Dis∣section of its Body, and save the fat of its Kidneys, which, they said, was very useful and necessary for the cure of a certain Distem∣per which they call'd want of Money. As for Pantagruel he took no manner of notice of the Monster, for he had seen many such, nay bigger in the Gallick Ocean. Yet he con∣descended to land in the Wild Island, to dry and refresh some of his Men (whom the Physetere had wetted and bedawb'd) at a small Desert Sea-port towards the South, seated near a fine pleasant Grove, out of which flow'd a delicious Brook of fresh, clear, and purling water. Here they pitch'd their Tents, and set up their Kitchins, nor did they spare Fewel.

Every one having shifted, as they thought fi••, Fryar Jhon rang the Bell, and the Cloth was immediately laid, and Supper brought in. Pantagruel eating chearfully with his Men▪ much about the second Course, perceived cer∣tain

little sly Chitterlings clammering up a high Tree near the Pantry as still as so many Mice. Which made him ask Xenomanes, what kind of Creatures these were, taking them for Squir∣rels, We••sels, Martins, or Hermins. They are Chitterlings, reply'd Xenomanes. This is the Wild Island, or which I spoke to you this morning: There hath been an irreconcilable War this long time between them and Shrove∣tide their malicious and ancient Enemy. I believe that the noise of the Guns which we fir'd at the Physetere hath alarm'd 'em, and made them fear their Enemy was come with his Forces to surprise them, or lay the Island waste, as he hath often attempted to do, though he still came off but blewly; by reason of the care and vigilance of the Chitterlings, who (as Dido said to Aeneas's Companions that would have landed at Carthage without her Leave or Knowledge) were forc'd to watch and stand upon their Guard, considering the malice of their Enemy and the Neighbour∣hood of his Territories.

Pray, dear Friend, said Pantagruel, if you find that by some honest means we may bring this War to an end, and reconcile them toge∣ther, give me notice of it, I will use my en∣deavours in it, with all my Heart, and spare nothing on my side to moderate and accommo∣date the points in dispute between both Par∣ties.

That's impossible at this time, answer'd

Xenomanes. About four years ago passing In∣cognito by this Country, I endeavour'd to make a Peace, or at least a long Truce a∣mong them, and I had certainly brought them to be good Friends and Neighbours, if both one and the other Parties would have yielded to one single Article. Shrovetide would not include in the Treaty of Peace the Wild Puddings, nor the Highland Sawsages their ancient Gossips and Confederates. The Chitterlings demanded that the Fort of Caques might be under their Government, as is the Castle of Sulloaoir, and that a parcel of I don't know what stinking Villains, Mur∣therers, Robbers, that held it then, should be expell'd. But they could not agree in this, and the terms that were offer'd seem'd too hard to either Party. So the Treaty broke off, and nothing was done. Nevertheless, they became less severe, and gentler Enemies than they were before: But since the denunciation of the National Coun∣cil of Chesil, whereby they were roughly hand∣led, hamper'd, and cited, whereby also Shrove∣tide was declar'd filthy, beshitten, and beray'd, in case he made any League, or Agreement with them, they are grown wonderfully in∣veterate, Incens'd, and Obstinate against one another, and there is no way to remedy it. You might sooner reconcile Cats and Rats, or Hounds and Hares together.

CHAP. XXXVI. How the Wild Chitterlings layd an Am∣buscado for Pantagruel.

WHile Xenomenes was saying this, Fryar Jhon spy'd twenty five or thirty young slender-shap'd Chitterlings posting as fast as they could towards their Town, Ci∣tadel, Castle and Fort of Chimney, and said to Pantagruel, I smell a Rat, there will be here the Devil upon two sticks, or I am much out. These Worshipful Chitterlings may chance to mistake you for Shrovetide, though you are not a bit like him. Let us once in our lives leave our Junketing for a while, and put our selves in a posture to give 'em a Belly full of fighting, if they would be at that sport. There can be no false Latin in this, said Xenomanes, Chitterlings are still Chitterlings, always double hearted, and treacherous.

Pantagruel then arose from Table, to visit and scoure the Thicket, and return'd pre∣sently, having discover'd on the left an Am∣buscade of squob Chitterlings, and on the right about half a League from thence, a large Body of huge Giant-like arm'd Chit∣terlings rang'd in Battalia along a little Hill, and marching furiously towards us at the sound of Bagpipes, Sheep's-Paunches and Bladders, the merry Fifes and Drums, Trumpets and

Clarions, hoping to catch us as Moss caught his Mare. By the conjecture of seventy eight Standards which we told, we guess'd their number to be two and forty thousand at a modest computation.

Their O••der, proud Gate, and resolute Looks, m••de us judge that they were none of your raw paultry Links, but old Warlike Chitterlings and Sawsages. From the fore∣most Ranks to the Colours they were all arm'd Cap a pié with small Arms as we rec∣koned them at a distance, yet very sharp, and case-harden'd. Their right and left Wings were lin'd with a great number of Forrest-Puddings, heavy Patti-pans, and Horse Saw∣sages, all of them tall and proper Islanders, Banditti, and Wild.

Pantagruel was very much daunted, and not without cause, tho' Epistemon told him that it might be the use and custom of the Chitter∣l••••gonians to welcom and receive thus in Arms their foreign Friends, as the Noble Kings of France are received and sal••ted at their first coming into the chief Cities of the King∣dom, after their advancement to the Crown. Perhaps, said he, it may be the usual Guard of the Queen of the place; who having no∣tice given her, by the Junior Chitterlings of the Forlorn-hope, whom you saw on the Tree, of the arrival of your fine and pompous Fleet, hath judg'd that it was with∣out doubt some rich and potent Prince, and is come to visit you in Person.

Pantagruel little trusting to this, call'd a Council to have their advice at large in this doubtful case. He briefly shew'd them how this way of reception with Arms had often under colour of Complement and Friend∣ship been fatal to the Parties so receiv'd. Thus, said he, the Emperor Antonius Caracalla at one time destroy'd the Citizens of Alexandria, and at another time cut off the Attendants of Artabanus King of Persia, under color of Marrying his Daughter; which by the way did not pass unpunished, for a while after, this cost him his life.

Thus Jacob's Children destroy'd the Si∣chemites, to revenge the Rape of their Sister Dina. By such another hypocritical trick, Galienus the Roman Emperour put to death the Military Men in Constantinople. Thus under colour of Friendship, Antonius inticed Artavasdes King of Armenia, then having caused him to be bound in heavy Chains, and shackled, at last put him to death.

We find a thousand such instances in Hi∣story; and K. Charles the 6th is justly com∣mended for his Prudence to this day, in that, coming back Victorious over the Ghenters and other Flemmings to his good City of Paris, and when he came to Bourget, (a League from thence) hearing that the Citizens with their Mallets (whence they got the name of Mail∣lotius) were March'd out of Town in Battalia twenty thousand strong, he would not go into

the Town till they had laid down their Arms, and retir'd to their respective homes, tho' they protested to him, that they had ta∣ken Arms with no other design, than to re∣ceive him with the greater demonstration of Honour and Respect.

CHAP. XXXVII. How Pantagruel sent for Colonel Mawl-Chitter∣ling, and Colonel Cut-Pudding, with a discourse well worth your hearing, about the Names of places and persons.

THE resolution of the Councill was, that let things be how they would, it behov'd the Pantagruelists to stand upon their Guard. Therefore Carpalim and Gymnast were order'd by Pantagruel, to go for the Soldiers that were on board the Cup-Gally, under the Command of Colonel Mawl-Chit∣terling, and those on board the Vine-Tub-Frigat, under the command of Colonel Cut-pudding the younger. I'll ease Gymnast of that trouble, said Panurge who wanted to be upon the Run: You may have occa∣sion for him here. By this worthy Frock of mine, quoth Fryer Jhon, thou hast a mind to slip thy neck out of the Collar, and ab∣sent thy self from the Fight, thou white liver'd Son of a Dunghill, upon my virgi∣nity thou 'llt never come back. Well, there can be no great loss in thee; for thou wouldst do nothing here but Howl, Bray,

Weep, and dishearten the good Sholdiers. I'll certainly come back, said Panurge, Fryar Ihon, my Ghostly Father, and speedily too; do but take care that these Plaguy Chitter∣lings don't board our Ships; all the while you'l be a Fighting, I'le pray heartily for your Victory after the example of the valiant Cap∣tain and guide of the People of Israel, Moses; having said this he wheel'd off.

Then said Epistemon to Pantagruel, the De∣nomination of these two Colonels of yours, Mawl-Chitterling and Cut-pudding promiseth us Assurance, Success and Victory, if those Chit∣terlings should chance to set upon us. You take it rightly, said Pantagruel, and it pleaseth me to see you foresee and prognosticate our Victory by the Names of our Colonels.

This Way of foretelling by Names is not new, it was in Old times celebrated, and re∣ligiously observ'd by the Pythagoreans. Seve∣ral great Princes and Emperors have former∣ly made good use of it, Octavianus Augustus Emperor of the Romans meeting on a day a Country Fellow nam'd Eutychius, (that is, fortunate) driving an Ass nam'd Nicon (that is in Greek Victorian) mov'd by the Signifi∣cation of the Ass's, and Ass driver's Names, remain'd assur'd of all Prosperity and Victory.

The Emperour Vespasian, being once all a∣lone at Prayers in the Temple of Serapis, at the sight and unexpected coming of a cer∣tain Servant of his nam'd Basilides (that is

Royal) whom he had left Sick a great way behind, took hopes and assurance of obtain∣ing the Empire of the R••mans. Reg••lian was chosen Emperour by the Soldiers for no o∣ther reason, but the Signification of his Name. See the Cratyle of the Divine Plato (By my Thirst I will read it, said Rhizotome; I hear you so often quote it) see how the Pythagore∣ans by reason of the names and numbers con∣clude that Patroclus was to fall by the hand of Hector, Hector by Achilles, Achilles by Pa∣ris, Paris by Phil••ctetes. I am quite lost in my understanding, when I reflect upon the admirable Invention of Pythagoras, who by the number, either even or odd, of the Syllables of every Noun would tell you of what side a Man was Lame, Hulch-back'd, Blind, Gouty, troubled with the Palsie, Pleurisie, or any other Distemper incident to humane kind, allotting even numbers to the Right, and odd ones to the Left side of the Body.

Indeed, said Epistemon. I saw this way of Syllabising, try'd at Xaintes at a general Pro∣cession in the Presence of that Good, Vertu∣ous, Learned and just President Brian Val••ée Lord of Douhait. When there went by a Man or Woman that was either Lame, Blind of one Eye, or Hump-back'd, he had an Ac∣count brought him of his or her Name, and if the Syllables of the Name were of an odd number, immediately without seeing the Per¦sons he declar'd them to be deform'd, Blind,

Lame, or crooked of the Right side; and of the Left, if they were even in number: and such indeed we ever found them.

By this Syllabical invention, said Pantagruel, the Learned have affirm'd, that Achi••••es kneel∣ing was wounded by the Arrow of Paris in the Right heel, for his name is of odd Syllables: (here we ought to observe that the Ancients us'd to kneel the Right foot.) And that Venus was also wounded before Troy in the Left hand; for her Name in Greek is 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉, of four Syllables, Vulcan lam'd of his Left foot for the same reason; Phillip King of Macedon and Hannibal blind of the Right eye; not to speak of Sciatica's, broken Bellies, and He∣micrania's, which may be distinguish'd by this Pythagorean reason.

But returning to Names, Do but consider how Alexander the Great, Son to King Phi∣lip, of whom we spoke just now, compass'd his Undertaking, meerly by the Interpretation of a Name. He had besieged the strong Ci∣ty of Tyre, and for several Weeks battered it with all his Power; but all in vain; his Engines and Attempts were still baffled by the Tyrians. Which made him finally resolve to raise the Siege to his great Grief, foresee∣ing the great Stain, which such a shameful Re∣treat would be to his Reputation. In this An∣xiety and Agitation of mind he fell asleep, and dream't that a Satyr was come into his Tent capering skipping, and tripping it up and down,

with his Goatish hoofs, and that he strove to lay hold on him. But the Satyr still slip'd from him, till at last having pen'd him up in∣to a Corner, he took him: With this he a∣wak'd, and telling his Dream to the Philoso∣phers, and Sages of his Court, they let him know, that it was a Promise of Victory from the Gods, and that he should soon be Master of Tyre; the word Satyros divided in two being Sa Tyros, and signifying, Tyre is thine; and in truth, at the next Onset he took the Town by Storm, and by a com∣pleat Victory, reduc'd that stubborn People to Subjection.

On the other hand, see how by the Sig∣nification of one word, Pompey fell into dis∣pair. Being overcome by Caesar at the Battel of Pharsalia, he had no other way left to escape but by flight; which attempting by Sea, he arrived near the Island of Cyprus, and perceiv'd on the shoar near the City of Paphos a beautiful and stately Palace; now asking the Pilot what was the name of it, he told him, that it was call'd 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉, that is, Evil-King, which struck such a dread and terror in him, that he fell into Despair, as being assured of loosing shortly his Life; insomuch that his Complaints, Sighs, and Groans were heard by the Marriners and other Passengers. And indeed a while after a certain strange Peasant call'd Achillas cut off his Head.

To all these Examples might he added what happen'd to L. Paulus Emilius, when the Senate elected him Emperour, that is, Chief of the Army which they sent against Perses King of Macedon; that Evening returning home to prepare for his Expedition, and kissing a little Daughter of his call'd Trasia, she seem'd some∣what sad to him. What is the matter, said he, my Chicken, why is my Trasia thus sad and Melancholly? Daddy, (reply'd the Child) Persa is dead; this was the Name of a little Bitch which she lov'd mightily: hearing this, Paulus took assurance of a Victory over Perses.

If time would permit us to discourse of the Sacred Hebrew writ, we might find a hundred noted Passages evidently shewing how reli∣giously they observed Proper names, and their Significations. He had hardly ended this Discourse, when the two Colonels arrived with their Soldiers, all well arm'd and reso∣solute. Pantagruel made them a short Speech, intreating them to behave themselves brave∣ly, in case they were attackt; for he cou'd not yet believe that the Chitterlings were so treacherous, but he bad them by no means to give the first offence; giving them Car∣naval for the watch word.

CHAP. XXXVIII. How Chitterlings are not to be slight∣ed by Men.

YOU shake your empty Noddles now, jolly Topers, and don't believe what I tell you here any more than if it were some Tale of a Tub: Well, well, I can't help it. Believe it if you will; if you wo'nt, let it alone. For my part, I very well know what I saw. It was in the wild Island, in our Voy∣age to the Holy Bottle, I tell you the Time and Place, what would you have more? I would have you call to mind the strength of the an∣cient Giants that undertook to lay the high Mountain Pelien on the top of Ossa, and set a∣mong those the shady Olympus, to dash out the Gods Brains, unnestle them, and scour their Heavenly Lodgings. Their's was no small strength, you may well think, and yet they were nothing but Chitterlings from the Waste downwards, or at least, Serpents, not to tell a Lye for the matter.

The Serpent that tempted Eve too was of the Chitterling kind, and yet it is recorded of him, that he was more subtle than any Beast of the Field. Even so are Chitterlings: Nay, to this very hour they hold in some Universities that this same Tempter was the Chitterling call'd Ithyphallus, or Standing, into which was trans∣form'd

bawdy Priapus Arch seducer of Fe∣males in Paradise, that is, a Garden in Greek.

Pray now tell me, Who can tell but that the Switzers now so bold and warlike were formerly Chitterlings? For my part▪ I would not take my Oath to the contrary. The Hi∣mantepodes, a Nation very famous in Ethiopia, according to Pliny's Description, are Chitter∣lings, and nothing else. If all this will not satisfie your Worships, or remove your In∣credulity, I would have you forthwith (I mean drinking first, that nothing be done rash∣ly) visit Lusignan, Parthenay, V••uant, Mervant, and Ponzauges in Poictou. There you will find a Cloud of Witnesses, not of your Affida∣vit-Men of the right stamp, but Credible, time out of mind, that will take their Cor∣poral Oath, on Rigome's Knuckle-bone, that Mellusine their first Founder, or Foundress, which you please, was Woman from the Head to the Prick-purse, and thence down∣wards was a Serpentine Chitterling, or if you'l have it otherwise, a Chitterlingdiz'd Serpent. She nevertheless had a Gen••e•••• and noble Gate, imitated to this very day by your Hop-Merchants of Britanny in their Pasp••é and Country Dances.

What do you think was the cause of E∣richtho••••••s's being the first Inventor of Coaches, Litters, and Chariots? Nothing but because Vulcan had begot him with Chitterlingdiz'd

Legs, which to hide, he chose to ride in a Litter rather than on Horse-back; for Chit∣terlings were not yet in esteem at that time.

The Scythian Nymph Ora was likewise half Woman, and half Chitterling; and yet seem'd so beautiful to Jupiter, that nothing could serve him but he must give her a touch of his God∣ship's kindness; and accordingly had a brave Boy by her call'd Colaxes, and therefore, I would have you leave off shaking your emp∣ty Noddles at this, as if it were a Story, and firmly believe that nothing is truer than the Gospel.

CHAP. XXXIX. How Fryar Ihon joyn'd with the Cooks to fight the Chitterlings.

FRyar Ihon, seeing these furious Chitterlings thus boldly march up, said to Pantagruel; here will be a rare Battel of Hobby-horses, a pretty kind of Puppet-show Fight for ought I see; Oh! What mighty Honour and wonder∣ful Glory will attend our Victory? I would have you only be a bare Spectator of this Fight, and for any thing else leave me and my men to deal with them. What men? said Pantagruel. Matter of Breviary, reply'd Fryar Ihon: How came Potiphar who was Head Cook of Pharoah's Kitchins, he that bought

Joseph, and whom the said Joseph might have made a Cuckold, if he had not been •• Joseph; how came he I say, to be made General of all the Horse in the Kingdom of Egypt? Why was Nabuzardan, King Nebuchadonezo••'s Head-Cook chosen, to the Exclusion of all other Captains, to besiege and destroy Jerusalem? I hear you, reply'd Pantagruel; By St. Christo∣pher's Whiskers, said Fryar Ihon, I dare lay a Wager that it was because they had for∣merly engaged Ch••tterlings, or Men as little valu'd; whom to rout, conquer, and destroy, Cooks are without comparison, more si•• than C••••rassiers and Gens d' Armes arm'd at all Points, or all the Horse and Foot in the world.

You put me in mind said Pantagruel, of what is written amongst the Facetious and merry Sayings of Cicero. During the more than Civil Wars between Caesar and Pompey, tho' he was much Courted by the first he na∣turally lean'd more to the side of the latter; now one day, hearing that the Pompe••ans in a certain Rencontre had lost a great many Men, he took a Fancy to visit their Camp. There he perceiv'd little Strength, less Cou∣rage, but much disorder. From that time, foreseeing that things would go ill with them, as it since happen'd, he began to Ban∣ter now one and then another, and be very Free of his cutting Jests: so some of Pompey's Captains playing the good Fellows to shew their assurance, told him, Do you see how

many Eagles we have yet? (They were then the Devise of the Romans in War) They might be of use to you, reply'd Cicero, if you had to do with Magpies.

Thus seeing we are to fight Chitterlings, pursued Pantagruel, you infer thence that it is a Culinary War, and have a mind to joyn with the Cooks. Well, do as you please. I'll stay here in the mean time, and wait for the event of the Battel.

Fryar Ihon went that very moment among the Sutlers into the Cooks Tents, and told them in a pleasing manner, I must see you Crown'd with Honour and Triumph this day, my Lads; To your Arms are reserv'd such Atchievments, as never yet were perform'd within the Me∣mory of Man. Od's Belly, do they make no∣thing of the valiant Cooks? Let us go fight yonder fornicating Chitterlings, I'le be your Captain: But first let's drink, Boys— come on— Let us be of good Cheer. Noble Captain, return'd the Kitchin Tribe, this was spoken like your self, bravely offer'd: Huzza! we are all at your Excellency's Command, and will live and dye by you. Live, live, said Fryar Ihon, a God's Name; but dye by no means. That's the Chitterlings lot, they shall have their Belly full on't: Come on then, let us put our selves in Order; Nabuzardan's the word.

CHAP. XL. How Fryar Jhon fitted up the Sow; and of the Valiant Cooks that went into it.

THen by Fryar Jhon's Order the Engi∣neers and their Work-men fitted up the great Sow that was in the Ship Leathern-Bottle. It was a wonderful Machine, so con∣triv'd, that by the means of large Engines that were round about it in Rows, it throw'd forked Iron Bars, and four squar'd Steel Boults; and in its Hold two hundred Men at least could easily fight, and be shelter'd. It was made after the Model of the Sow of Riole, by the means of which Bergerac was re∣taken from the English in the Reign of Charles the sixth.

Here are the Names of the Noble and Valiant Cooks who went into the Sow, as the Greeks did into the Trojan Horse.

• ...S••wre Sawoe.
• ...Sweet Meat.
• ...Greedy Gut.
• ...Licorish Chops.
• ...Sows'd Pork.
• ...Slap Sawce.
• ...Cock-Breth.
• ...S••ipstop.
• ...Crisp Pig.
• ...Greasy Slouch.
• ...Fatgut.
• ...Bray-mortar.
• ...Lick-sawce.
• ...Hog's Foot.
• ...Hodgepedge.
• ...Carlon••d••e.
• ...

• ...Sop in Pan.
• ...Pick-foul.
• ...Mustard-pot.
• ...Calfs Pluck.
• ...Hogs Haslet.
• ...Chopt-phiz.
• ...Gallymaufrey.

All these Noble Cooks in their Coat of Arms did bear in a Field Gules, a Larding-pin Vert, charg'd with a Chevron Argent.

• ...Lard, Hogs Lard.
• ...Nible Lard.
• ...Filch Lard.
• ...Fat Lard.
• ...Pinch Lard.
• ...Top Lard.
• ...Pick Lard.
• ...Save Lard.
• ...Snatch Lard.
• ...Gnaw Lard.
• ...Scrape Lard.
• ...Chew Lard.

Gaillard (by Syncope) born near Rambioullet: The said Culinary Doctor's name was Gail∣lard-lard; in the same manner as you use to Idolatrous for Idololatrous.

• ...Stiff Lard.
• ...Watch Lard.
• ...Sweet Lard.
• ...Eat Lard.
• ...Snap Lard.
• ...Catch Lard.
• ...Cut Lard.
• ...Mince Lard.
• ...Dainty Lard.
• ...Fresh Lard.
• ...Rusty Lard.
• ...Waste Lard.
• ...Ogl-Lard.
• ...Weigh Lard.
• ...Gulch Lard.
• ...Eye Lard.

Names unknown among the Marranes and Jews.

• ...Balloky.
• ...Pick Sallat.
• ...Broyl Rasher.
• ...Conny Skin.
• ...Dainty Chops:
• ...Pye Wright.
• ...Pudding-pan.
• ...Toss-pot.
• ...Mustard Sawce.
• ...Claret Sawce.
• ...Swill Broth.
• ...Thirsty.
• ...Kitchin Stuff.
• ...Verjuice.
• ...Save Dripping.
• ...Water-Creese.
• ...Scrape Turnip.
• ...Trivet.
• ...Mons••••ur Rag••••st.
• ...Crack P••pkin.
• ...Scrape Pot.
• ...Porridge Pot.
• ...Lick Dish.
• ...Salt Gullet.
• ...Snail Dresser.
• ...Sope-Monger.
• ...Brow••s Belly.
• ...Chine Picker.
• ...Suck Gravy.
• ...Macar••••n.
• ...Scure Maker.

Smell-Smock, he was afterwards taken from the Kitchin and remov'd to Cham∣ber Practice, for the Service of the Noble Cardinal Hunt Venison.

• ...Rot Rost.
• ...Dish••lout.
• ...Save Sewet.
• ...Fire Fumbler.
• ...Pillicock.
• ...Long Tool.
• ...Prick Pride.
• ...Prick-Madam.
• ...Pricket.
• ...Hogs Gullet.
• ...Sir Loyne.
• ...Spit Mutton.
• ...Friter Fryer.
• ...Flesh Smith.
• ...Cram Gut.
• ...Tuzzymussy.
• ...Jacket Liner.
• ...Guzzle Drink.
• ...

• ...Fox Tail.
• ...Fly Flap.
• ...Old Grizle.
• ...Ruff Belly.
• ...Saffron Sawce.
• ...Strutting Tom.
• ...Slash'd Snout.
• ...Smutty Face.

M••ndam that first invented Madam's Sawce, and for that discovery, was thus call'd in the Scotch-French Dialect.

• ...Loblolly
• ...Slabber Chops.
• ...Scum Pot.
• ...Gully Guts.
• ...Rinse Pot.
• ...Drink spiller.
• ...Sloven.
• ...Swallow••pitcher.
• ...Wafer-Monger.
• ...Snap Gobbet.
• ...Scurvy Phiz.
• ...Trencher-man.
• ...Goodman Goosecap.
• ...Munch Turnip.
• ...Pudding-bag.
• ...Pig-sticker.

Robert, he invented Robert's Sawce, so good and necessary for Roasted Coneys, Ducks, Fresh Pork, Poach'd Eggs, Salt Fish, and a thousand other such Dishes.

• ...Cold Eel.
• ...Thornback.
• ...Gurnard.
• ...Grumbling Gut.
• ...Alms-scrip.
• ...Taste all.
• ...Scrap Merchant.
• ...Belly timberman.
• ...Hashee.
• ...Frig palat.
• ...Powdering-tub.
• ...Frying-pan.
• ...Man-of Dough.
• ...Sawce-Doctor.
• ...Waste Butter.
• ...Shitbreech.
• ...Thick Brawn.
• ...Tom T—d.
• ...Mouldy Crust.
• ...Hasty.
• ...

• ...Red Herring.
• ...Cheese Cake.
• ...Big Snout.
• ...Lick-finger.
• ...Titt Bit.
• ...Sauce box.
• ...All Fou••s.
• ...Whimwham.
• ...Basterest.
• ...Gaping Horden.
• ...Calf Pinck.
• ...Leather Breeches.

All these Noble Cooks went into the Sow, Merry, Cheery, Hale, Brisk, old Dogs at Mischief, and ready to fight stoutly; Fryar Jhon, ever and anon waving his huge Scimiter, brought up the Reer, and double-lock'd the Doors on the inside.

CHAP. XLI. How Pantagruel broke the Chitter∣lings at the Knees.

THe Chitterlings advanc'd so near, that Pantagruel perceiv'd that they stretched their Arms, and already began to charge their Lances, which caus'd him to send Gym∣nast to know what they meant, and why they thus, without the least provocation, came to fall upon their old trusty Friends, who had neither said nor done the least ill thing to them. Gymnast being advanc'd near their Front, bow'd very low, and said to them as loud as ever he could; We are Friends, we are Friends; all, all of us your

Friends, yours, and at your command, we are for Carnaval your old Confederate. Some h••ve since told me, that he mistook and said Carnaval instead of Carnaval.

Whatever it was, that word was no sooner out of his Mouth, but a huge wild Squob-Saw••age, starting out of the Front of their main Body, would have grip'd him by the Collar. By the Helmet of Mars, said Gym∣na••t. I'll swallow thee, but thou shalt only come in in chips and slices; for, big as thou art, thou could'st never come in whole. This spoke, he lugs out his trusty Sword, Kiss-mine-Arse, (so he call'd it) with both his Fists, and cut the Sawsage in twain. Bless me, how 〈◊〉〈◊〉 the soul Thief was! It puts me in mind of the huge Bull of Berne that was slain at Ma••ignan when the drunken Switzers were so mawl'd there. Believe me, it had little less than four inches Lard on its Paunch.

The Sawsage's job being done, a Crowd of others flew upon Gymnast, and had most scurvily drag'd him down, when Pantagruel with his Men came up to his relief. Then began the Martial Fray, higledy pickledy. Mawi Chitterling did mawl Chitterlings, Cut Pudding did cut Puddings; Pantagruel did break the Chitterlings at the Knees; Fryar Jhon play'd at least in sight within his Sow, viewing and observing all things; when the the Patty-pans that lay in Ambuscado, most furiously sallied out upon Pantagruel.

Fryar Jhon, who lay snug all this while, by that time perceiving the Rout and Hurly∣burly, set open the doors of his Sow, and sallied out with his merry Greeks, some of them arm'd with Iron Spits, others with Andirons, Racks, Fire-Slovel••, Frying-pans, Kettles, Grid Irons, Oven-Forks, Tongs, Dripping-pans, Brooms, Iron-pots, Mortars, Pestles, all in Battle array like so many House breakers, hollowing and roaring out all together most frightfully, Nabuzardan, na∣buzardan, nabuzardan. Thus shouting and hooting they fought like Dragons, and charg'd through the Patty pans, and Sawsa∣ges. The Chitterlings perceiving this ••••••sh reinforcement, and that the others would be too hard for 'em, betook themselves to their Heels, scampering off with full speed, as if the Devil had been come for them. Fryar Jhon with an Iron Crow knock'd them down as ••ast as Haps; his Men too were not spa∣ring on their side. O! What a woeful sight it was! The field was all over strow'd with heaps of dead or wounded Chitterlings; and History relates, that had not Heaven had a hand in it▪ the Chitterling Tribe had been ••••∣tally ••••uted out of the World, by the Culi∣nary Champions. But there happen••d a wonderful thing, you may believe as little or as much of it as you please.

From the North flew towards us a huge fat, thick, grizly Swine, with long and large

Wings like those of a Windmil, its Plume•• red Crimson, like those of a Phenicoptere (which in Languedoc they call Flaman) its Eyes were red and flaming like a Carbuncle, its Ears green like a Prasin Emerald, its Teeth like a Topaze, its Tail long and black like Jet, its Feet white, diaphanous, and transparent like a Diamond, somewhat broad and of the splay-kind, like those of Geese, and as Queen Dick's us'd to be at Tholose in the days of Yore. About its Neck it wore a Gold Collar round which were some Ionian Characters, whereof I could pick out but two words ΣΥΣ AΘH∣NAN: Hog teaching Minerva.

The Sky was clear before, but at that Monster's appearance, it chang'd so mighti∣ly for the worse, that we were all amaz'd at it. As soon as the Chitterlings perceiv'd the s••••ing Hog, down they all threw their Wea∣pons and fell on their Knees, lifting up their Hands joyn'd together, without speaking one word, in a posture of Adoration. Fryar Jhon and his Party kept on mincing, felling, braining, mangling, and spitting the Chitter∣lings like mad▪ But Pantagruel sounded a Re∣treat, and all Hostility ceas'd.

The Monster, having several times hover'd backwards and forwards between the two A••mies, with a Tail-shot voided above twenty seven B••••s of Mustard on the ground; then flew away through the Air, crying all the while, Carnaval, Carnaval, Carnaval.

CHAP. XLII. How Pantagruel held a treaty with Niphleseth Queen of the Chitter∣lings.

THE Monster being out of sight, and the two Armies remaining silent, Pan∣tagruel demanded a parly with the Lady Niphleseth, Queen of the Chitterlings who was in her Chariot by the Standards, and it was easily granted. The Queen alighted, cou••te∣ously receiv'd Pantagruel, and was glad to see him. Pantagruel complain'd to her of this Breach of Peace: But she civilly made her excuse, telling him that a false information had caused all this mischief, her Spies having brought her word, that Shrovetide their mor∣tal foe was landed, and spent his time in examining the Urin of Physet••res.

She therefore intreated him to pard•••• them their offence, telling him, that Si•• reverence was sooner found in Chitterling▪ than Gall, and offering, for her self and 〈◊〉〈◊〉 her successors, to hold of him, and his, 〈◊〉〈◊〉 whole Island and Country, to ob••y him 〈◊〉〈◊〉 all his Commands, be friends to his 〈◊〉〈◊〉 and foes to his foes: And also to ••••••d ev••ry Year, as an acknowledgment of 〈◊〉〈◊〉 ••••••mage,

a tribute of seventy eight thousand Royal Chitterlings, to serve him at his first Course at Table, six months in the Year; which was punctually perform'd. For, the next day, she sent the aforesaid quantity of Royal Chitterlings, to the good Gargantua, under the Conduct of young Niphleseth, Infanta of the Island.

The good Gargantua made a Present of them to the great King of Paris. But by cha••ge of Air, and for want of Mustard (the natural Balsam and restorer of Chitter∣ling•• most of them dyed. By the great Kings particular Grant they were buried in ••••aps, in a part of Paris, to this day call|'d La ••••e pa••••e d' Andouilles, The Street pav••d with Chitterlings. At the request of the Ladies at his Court, young Niphleseth was preserv'd, honourably us'd, and since that married to heart's content; and was the Mother of many Children, for which hea∣ven be prais'd.

Pantagruel civilly thank'd the Queen, for∣gave all Offences, refus'd the offer she had made of her Country, and gave her a pret∣ty little Knife; after that, he ask'd several nice Questions concerning the Apparition of that ••lyi••g H••g? she answer'd that it was the Id••a of Carnaval their Tutelary God in time of War, first Founder, and Original of all the Chitterling race, for which Reason he

resembled a Hog, for Chiterlings drew their extraction from Hogs.

Pantagruel asking to what purpose, and curative Indication he had voided so much Mustard on the Earth? The Queen reply••d, that Mustard was their Sang-real, and c••le∣stial Balsam, of which laying but a little in the wounds of the fallen Chitterlings, in a very short time the wounded were heal'd, and the dead restor'd to life. Pantagruel held no further discourse with the Queen, but retir'd a ship board. The like did all the Bon Companions with their Implements of Destruction and their huge Sow.

CHAP. XLIII. How Pantagruel went into the Island of Ruach.

TWO days after, we arriv'd at the Island of Ruach; and I swear to you by the Celestial Hen and Chickens that I found the way of living of the People ••o strange and wonderfull, that I can't for the hearts Blood of me half tell it you. They live on no∣thing but Wind, eat nothing but Wind, and drink nothing but Wind. They have

no other Houses but weather-cocks. They sow no other seeds but the three sorts of Wind∣flowers, Rue, and herbs that may make One break wind to the purpose, these scowre them off carefully. The common sort of People to feed themselves, make use of fea∣ther, paper, or linnen Fans, according to their Abilities; as for the Rich they live by the means of Wind-mills.

When they wou'd have some noble Treat, the Tables are spread under one or two Wind-mills. There they feast as merry as beggars, and during the Meal, their whole talk is commonly of the goodness, excellency salubrity and rarity of Winds, as you, jolly Topers, in your cups Philosophize and Argue upon Wines. The one praises the South-east, the other the South-west. This the West and by South, and this the East and by North; another the West, and another the East, and so of the rest. As for Lovers, and amorous Sparks, no Gale for them like a sm••ck Gale: For the sick, they use Bellows, as we use Clysters among us.

Oh! (said to me a little diminutive swoln Bubble) that I had now but a bladderfull of that same good Languedoc Wind, which they call Cierce: The famous Physician Scur••••n passing one day by this Country, was telling us that it is so strong that it will make nothing of overturning a loaded Waggon: Oh! What good would it not

do my oedipodic Legg. The biggest are not the best, but, said Panurge, rather would I had here a large Butt of that same good Languedoc Wine that grows at Mireveux, Canteperdrix, and Frontignan.

I saw a good likely sort of a Man there, much resembling Ventrose, tearing and fuming in a grievous Fret, with a tall bur∣ly Groom, and a pimping little Page of his laying them on, like the Devil, with a buskin: Not knowing the cause of his anger, at first I thought that all this was by the Doctor's advice, as being a thing very healthy to the Master to be in a Passion, and to his Man to be bang'd for't. But at last I heard him taxing his Man with stealing from him, like a Rogue as he was, the bet∣ter half of a large leathern Bag of an ex∣cellent southerly Wind, which he had care∣fully lay'd up, like a hidden Reserve, against the cold weather.

They neither Exonerate, Piss, nor Spit in that Island, but to make amends they belch, fizle, funk, and give Tailshots in abundance. They are troubled with all manner of distempers: And indeed all dist∣empers are engendred and proceed from Ventosities, as Hippocrates demonstrates, lib. de Flatibus. But the most epidemical among them, is the wind-Colick. The remedies which they use are large Blisters, whereby they void store of Windiness. They all dye

of Dropsies, and Tympanies, the Men farting, and the Women sizling, so that their Soul takes her leave at the back door.

Some time after, walking in the Island, we met Three hare-brain'd airy Fellows, who seem'd mightily pufft up, and wert to take their pastime, and view the P••••∣vers who live on the same die••as themselves, and abound in the Island. I observ'd that, as you, true Topers, when you travell car∣ry flasks, leathern bottles, and small run∣lets along with you, so each of them had at his girdle a pretty little pair of bellows. If they happen'd to want wind, by the help of those pretty bellows they immediately drew some fresh and cool by Attraction and Reciprocal Expulsion: For, as you well know, Wind, essentially defin'd, is nothing but fluctuating and agitated Air.

A while after we were commanded in the King's name not to receive for three hours any Man or Women of the Coun∣try on board our ships. Some having stole from him a rousing fart of the very indi∣vidual Wind which old Goodman Aeolus the Snoarer gave Ʋlysses, to Conduct his Ship, when ever it should happen to be becalm'd▪ which fart the King kept religiously 〈◊〉〈◊〉 another Sangreal, and perform'd a wo••••d of wonderfull cures with it, in many dan∣gerous deseases, letting loose and distribu••ing to the Patient only as much of it as might

frame a Virginal Fart. That is, if you must know, what our Sanctimonials alias Nuns in their Dialect call ringing backwards.

CHAP. XLIV. How a small Rain lays a high Wind.

PAntagruel commended their Government and way of living, and said to their Hypenemian Mayor, If you approve Epicurus's Opinion, placing the summum bonum in plea∣sure (I mean pleasure that's easie and free from toil) I esteem you happy; for your Food be∣ing Wind, costs you little or nothing; since you need but blow. True, Sir, return'd the Mayor, but alas, nothing is perfect here below: For too often when we are at Table feeding on some good blessed Wind of God, as on Celestial Manna, merry as so many Fryars, down drops on a sudden some small Rain, which lays! our Wind, and so robs us of it; thus many a Meal lost for want of Meat.

Just so, quoth Panurge, Jenin Toss-pot of Quinquenois evacuating some Wine of his own burning on his Wife's Posteriors, laid the ill fum'd Wind that blow'd out of their Centre as out of some Magisterial Aeolipyle. Here's a kind of a Whim on that Subject which I made formerly.

One Evening, when Toss-pot had been at his Buts, And Joane his fat Spouse cram'd with Turnips her Guts, Together they pigg'd; nor did Drink so besot him, But he did what was done when his Daddy begot him. Now when, to recruit, he'd fain have been snoa∣ring, Joane's back-door was filthily puffing and roaring: So for spight he bepiss'd her, and quickly did find, That a very small Rain lays a very high Wind.

We are also plagu'd yearly with a very great Calamity, cry'd the Mayor; for a Gi∣ant call'd Widenostrils, who lives in the Island of Tohu, comes hither every spring, to purge by the advice of his Physicians, and swallows us, like so many Pills, a great number of Windmils and of Bellows also, at which his Mouth waters exceedingly.

Now this is a sad Mortification to us here, who are fain to fast over three or four whole Lents every year for this, besides certain petty Lents, Ember-Weeks, and other Orison and Starving-tides. And have you no Remedy for this, ask'd Pantagruel? By the advice of our Mezarims, reply'd the Mayor, about the time that he uses to give us a Visit, we Ga∣rison our Windmills with good store of Cocks and Hens. So the first time that the greedy

Thief swallow'd them, they had like to have done his business at once, for they crow'd and cackl'd in his Maw, and flutter'd up and down athwart and along in his Stomach, which threw the Glutton into an Lipothymy, Cardiac Passion, and dreadful and dangerous Convulsions, as if some Serpent creeping in at his Mouth, had been frisking in his Sto∣mach.

Here is a comparative as altogether in∣congruous and impertinent, cry'd Fryar Jhon, interrupting them, for I have formerly heard, that if a Serpent chance to get into a Man's Stomach, it will not do him the least hurt, but will immediately get out, if you do but hang the Patient by the Heels, and lay a pan full of warm Milk near his Mouth. You were told this, said Pantagruel, and so were those who gave you this account; but none ever saw or read of such a Cure. On the contrary, Hippocrates, in his fifth Book of Epidem. writes, That such a case happening in his time, the Pa∣tient presently died of a Spasm and Convulsion.

Besides the Cocks and Hens, said the Mayor continuing his Story, all the Foxes in the Country whip'd into Widenostril's Mouth, posting after the Poultry, which made such a stir with Reynard at their Heels, that he grievously fell into Fits each minute of an hour.

At last by the advice of a Baden Enchan∣ter, at the time of the Paroxysm, he us'd to

flea a Fox, by way of Antidote: Since that he took better advice, and easies himself with taking a Clyster made with a Decoction of Wheat and Barly-Corns, and of Livers of Goslins; to the first of which the Poultry run, and the Foxes to the latter. Besides, he swallows some of your Badgers or Fox-Dogs by the way of Pills and Bolus's. This is our misfortune.

Cease to fear, good People, cry'd Panta∣gruel, This huge Widenostrils, this same Swal∣lower of Windmills, is no more, I'll assure you; he dy'd, being stifled and choak'd with eating a lump of fresh Butter, at the Mouth of a hot Oven by the advice of his Physicians.

CHAP. XLV. How Pantagruel went ashoar in the Island of Pope Figg-land.

THe next morning, we arrived at the Island of Popefiggs, formerly a rich and free People call'd the Gaillardets, but now alas mi∣serably poor, and under the Yoke of the Papi∣men. The occasion of it was this.

On a certain yearly high Holy-day, the Burger-Master, Syndies and topping Rabbies of the Gaillardets chanc'd to go into the Neigh∣bouring

Island of Papimany to see the Festi∣val, and pass away the time. Now one of them having espy'd the Pope's Picture (with the sight of which, according to a laudable Custom, the People were bless'd on High-offering, Holy-days) made mouths at it and cry'd, a Fig for't, as a sign of manifest Con∣tempt and Derision. To be reveng'd of this Affront, the Papimen some days after, with∣out giving the others the least warning, to••k Arms, and surpriz'd, destroy'd, and ruin'd the whole Island of the Gaillardets, putting the Men to the Sword, and sparing none but the Women and Children, and those too on∣ly on Condition to do what the Inhabitants of Milan were condemn'd to, by the Empe∣ror Frederick Barbarossa.

These had rebell'd against him in his ab∣sence, and ignominiously turn'd the Empress out of the City, mounting her a Horse-back on a Mule call'd Thacor, with her Breech fore∣most toward the Old jaded Mules head, and her Face turn'd towards the Crupper: Now, Frederick being return'd, master'd them, and caus'd so careful a Search to be made, that he found out, and got the famous Mule Thacor. Then the Hang-man by his order, clap'd a Fig into the Mules Jim-crack, in the Pre∣sence of the inslav'd Citts that were brought into the middle of the great Market-Place, and proclaim'd, in the Emperor's Name, with Trumpets, that whosoever of them would

save his own Life, should publickly pull the Fig out with his Teeth, and after that put it in again in the very individual Cranny whence he had draw'd it, without using his hands; and that whoever refus'd to do this, should presently swing for't, and die in his Shoes. Some sturdy Fools, standing upon their Punctilio, chose Honourably to be hang'd rather than submit to so shameful, and abo∣minable a Disgrace; and others, less nice in Point of Ceremony, took heart of Grace, and ev'n resolv'd to have at the Fig, and a Fig for't, rather than make a worse Figure with a hempen Collar, and die in the Air, at so short Warning: accordingly when they had neatly pick'd out the Fig with their Teeth from old Thacor's Snatch-blatch, they plainly show'd it the Heads-man, saying, Ec∣co lo fico, (behold the Fig.)

By the same Ignominy the rest of these poor distress'd Guallardets sav'd their Bacon, b••coming Tributaries and Slaves, and the Name of Pope-Figs was given them, because they had said, A Fig for the Pope••s Image. Since this, the poor Wretches never prosper'd, but every year the Devil was at their Doors, and they were plagu'd with Hail, Storms, Famine and all manner of Woes, as an ever∣lasting Punishment for the Sin of their An∣cestors and Relations. Perceiving the Mise∣ry and Calamity of that Generation, we did not care to go further up into the Country,

contenting our selves with going into a little Chappel near the Haven to take some Holy water. It was dilapidated and ruin'd, want∣ing also a Cover (like St. Peter at Rome) When we were in, as we dip'd our Fingers in the sanctifi'd Cistern, we spy'd in the mid∣dle of that Holy Pickle a Fellow muffled up with Stoles all under water, like a diving Duck, except the tip of his Snout to draw his Breath. About him, stood three Priests, true shavelings, clean shorn and poli'd, who were muttering strange words to the Devils out of a Conjuring Book.

Pantagruel was not a little amaz'd at this, and, inquiring what kind of sport these were at, was told, that, for Three years last past, the Plague had so dreadfully rag'd in the Island, that the better half of it had been utterly de∣populated, and the Lands lay Fallow with∣out Owners. Now the mortality being over, this same Fellow, who was crept into the Holy Tub, having a large piece of Ground; chanc'd to be Sowing it with White winter Wheat; at the very minute of an hour that a kind of a Silly sucking Devil, who could not yet Write or Read, or Hail and Thunder, unless it were on Parsly or Colworts, had got leave of his Master Lucifer to go into this Island of Pope-figs, where the Devils were very familiar with the Men and Women, and often went to take their Pastime.

This same Devil being got thither, di••••∣cted his Discourse to the Husband-man, and ask'd him what he was doing. The poor Man told him, that he was Sowing this ground with Corn to help him to subsist the next year. Ay, but the Ground is none of thine, Mr. Plough ••obber, cry'd the•• Devil, but mine: For, since the time that you mock'd the Pope, all this Land has been proscrib'd, ad∣judg'd, and abandon'd to us. However, to sow Corn is not my Province; therefore I will give thee leave to sow the Field; that is to say, provided we share the Profit. I will, reply'd the Farmer. I mean, said the Devil, that, of what the Land shall bear, two Lots shall be made, one of what shall grow above Ground, the other of what shall be cover'd with Earth; the right of chusing be∣longs to me, for I am a Devil of noble and ancient Race; thou art a base Clown. I there∣fore chuse what shall lye under ground, take thou what shall be above. When dost thou reckon to reap, hah? About the middle of July, quoth the Farmer. Well, said the De∣vil, I'll not fail thee then: In the mean time, slave as thou oughtest. Work, Clown, wo••k: I am going to tempt to the pleasing Sin of whoring, the Nuns of D••••fart, the Sham-saints of the Cowle, and the Gluttonish Crew; I am more than sure of these. There needs but meet, and the Job's done; true Fire and Tinder, touch and take; down falls Nun, and up gets Fryar.

CHAP. XLVI. How a Junior Devil was fool'd by a Husband-man of Pope-Figland.

ON the middle of July, the Devil came to the place aforesaid, with all his Crew at his Heels, a whole Quire of the younger Fry of Hell, and having met the Farmer, said to him; Well, Clod-pate, how hast thou done, since I went? Thou and I must now share the Concern. Ay Master Devil, quoth the Clown, 'tis but reason we should. Then he and his Men began to cut and reap the Corn: And on the other side the Devil's Imps fell to work, grubbing up, and pulling out the stubble by the Root.

The Country-man had his Corn thrash'd, Winnow'd it, put it into Sacks, and went with it to Market. The same did the Devil's Servants, and sate them down there by the Man, to sell their Straw. The Country∣man sold off his Corn at a good rate, and with the Money fill'd an old kind of a Demy-Buskin, which was fasten'd to his Girdle; but the Devil a Sous the Devils took; far from ta∣king Hansel, they were flouted, and jeer'd by the Country Louts.

Market being over, quoth the Devil to the Farmer, well Clown thou hast chous'd me once, 'tis thy Fault; chouse me twice, 'twill

be mine. Nay, good Sir Devil, reply'd the Farmer, how can I be said to have chous'd you since 'twas your worship that chose first. The truth is that by this trick you thought to cheat me, hoping that nothing would spring out of the Earth for my share, and that you should find whole under ground the Corn which I had sow'd, and with it tempt the poor and needy, the close Hy∣pocrite, or the Covetous Gripe, thus making them fall into your snares. But troth, you must e'n go to School yet, you are no Con∣jurer, for ought I see: For, the Corn that was sow'd is dead and rotten, its Corruption having caus'd the generation of that which you saw me sell: so you chose the worst, and therefore are curs'd in the Gospel. Well, talk no more on't, quoth the Devil: what can'st thou sow our Field with for next Year? If a Man would make the best on't, answer'd the Ploughman, 'twere fit he sow it with Radish. Now cry'd the Devil, thou talkst like an honest Fellow, Bumpkin, well, sow me good store of Radish, I'll see and keep them safe from storms, and will not hail a bit on them; but harke 'e me, this time I bespeak for my share what shall be above ground, what's under shall be thine: Drudge on, Looby, drudge on. I am going to tempt hereticks, their Souls are dainty victuals when broil'd in Rashers and well powder'd. My Lord Lucifer has the

griping in the guts, they'l make a dainty warm dish for his Honour's Maw.

When the season of Radishes was come, our Devil fail'd not to meet in the Field with a train of rascally underlings, all waiting Devils, and finding there the Farmer and his Men, he began to cut and gather the Leaves of the Radishes. After him the Far∣mer with his Spade digg'd up the Radishes, and clapt them up into pouches. This done, the Devil, the Farmer, and their gangs hy'd them to Market, and there 〈◊〉〈◊〉 Farmer pre∣sently made good Mony of his R••dishes; but the poor Devil took nothing, nay what was worse he was made a common laugh∣ing stock by the gaping hoydons. I see thou hast play'd me a scurvy trick, thou villainous Fellow, (cry'd the angry Devil,) at last I am fully resolv'd e'en to make an end of the business between thee and my self about the Ground, and these shall be the Terms; we'll chapperclaw each 〈◊〉〈◊〉 and whoever of us two shall first 〈…〉〈…〉 shall quit his share of the Field, whic•• 〈◊〉〈◊〉 wholly belong to the Conqueror. I 〈…〉〈…〉 Time for this Tryal of Skill on thi•• 〈◊〉〈◊〉 ••••••night. Assure thy self that I'll cla•• 〈◊〉〈◊〉 off like a Devil. I was going to temp•• 〈◊〉〈◊〉 Fornicators, Bayliffs, Perplexers of 〈◊〉〈◊〉 Scriveners, forgers of Deeds, two-handed Counsellors, prevaricating Sollicitors, and other such vermine; but they were so civ••

as to send me word by an Interpreter, that they are all mine already: Besides, our Master Lucifer is so cloy'd with their Souls, that he often sends them back to the smut∣ty Scullions and slovenly Devils, of his Kitchin, and they scarce go down with him, unless now and then, when they are high-season'd.

Some say there is no Breakfast like a Student's, no dinner like a Lawyer's, no af∣ternoon's nunchion like a Vintner's, no sup∣per like a Tradesman's, no second supper like a serving Wench's, and none of these Meals together like a frockifi'd Hobgoblin's. All this is true enough; accordingly at my Lord Lucifer's first Course Hobgoblings, alias Imps in Cowles, are a standing Dish. He willingly us'd to breakfast on Students; but alas, I do not know by what Ill Luck, they have of late years joyn'd the holy Bi∣ble to their Studies; so the Devil a one we can get down among us, and I verily be¦lieve that unless the Hypocrites of the Tribe of Levi help us in it; taking from the inlightned Book-mongers their St. Paul, either by Threats, Revilings, Force, Violence, Fire and Faggot, we shall not be able to hook-in any more of them, to nibble at below. He dines commonly on Counsel∣lors, Mischief-mongers, Multiplyers of Law∣suits, such as wrest and pervert Right and Law, and Grind and Fleece the Poor:

He never fears to want any of these. But who can endure to be wedded to a Dish?

He said t'other Day at a full Chapter, that he had a great mind to eat the Soul of one of the Fraternity of the Cowle that had forgot to speak for himself, in his Sermon, and he promis'd double Pay, and a large Pension, to any one that should bring him such a Tit-bit piping-hot. We all went a hunting after such a Rarity, but came home without the Prey; for they all ad∣monish the good Women to remember their Convent. As for afternoon Nunchions, he has left them off, since he was so wofully grip'd with the Colic, his Fosterers, Sutlers, Char-Coalmen, and boyling Cooks hav∣ing been sadly mawl'd and pepper'd off in the Northern Countries.

His high Devil-ship sups very well on Trades∣men, Usurers, Apothecaries, Cheats, Coyners, and Adulterers of Wares. Now and then when he is on the merry pin, his second supper is of serving Wenches who, after they have by stealth soak'd their Faces with their Masters good Liquor, fill up the Ves∣sel with it at second hand, or with other stink∣ing Water.

Well, drudge on, Boor, drudge on; I am going to tempt the Students of Trebisonde, to leave Father and Mother, forgo for ever the establish'd and common rule of living; disclaim and free themselves from

obeying their lawfull Sovereign's Edicts, live in absolute Liberty, proudly despise every one, laugh at all Mankind, and taking the fine jovial little Cap of Poetic License, be∣come so many pretty Hobgoblins.

CHAP. XLVII. How the Devil was deceiv'd by an Old Woman of Popefig-land.

THE Country Lob trudg'd home ve∣ry much concern'd and thoughtfull, you may swear; in so much that his good Woman, seeing him thus look moping, ween'd that something had been stolen from him at market; but when she had heard the cause of his affliction, and seen his Budget well lin'd with Coyn, she bad him be of good Cheer, assuring him that he'd be ne∣ver the worse for the scratching Bout in question, wishing him only to leave her to manage that business and not trouble his head about it: for she had already contriv'd how to bring him off cleaverly. Let the worst, come to the worst, said the Husbandman, it will be but a scratch, for I'll yield at the first stroke, and quit the Field. Quit a Fa••t re∣ply'd the Wife, he shall have none of the

Field, rely upon me and be quiet, let me alone to deal with him. You say he's a pimping little Devil, that's enough; I'll soon make him give up the Field, I'll warrant you: Indeed had he been a great Devil, it had been somewhat.

The day that we landed in the Island happen'd to be that which the Devil had fix'd for the Combat. Now the Coun∣tryman, having like a good Catholic very fairly confessed himself and received, betimes in the morning, by the advice of his Vicar had hid himself, all but the snout, in the holy Water-stock in the Posture in which we found him: And just as they were telling us this story, News came that the old Wo∣man had fool'd the Devil, and gain'd the Field: You may not be sorry perhaps to hear how this happen'd.

The Devil, you must know, came to the poor Man's Door and rapping there, cry'd so hoe, ho the House, hoe Clod-pate, where art thou? Come out with a vengance, come out with a wannion, come out and be damn'd; now for clawing; then briskly and resolutely entring the House, and not finding the Country Man there, he spy'd his Wife lying on the ground pitiously weeping and howling: What's the matter? ask'd the De∣vil, where is he? What does he? Oh! that I knew where he is, reply'd Threescore and five, the wicked Rogue, the Butcherly Dog, the

Murtherer? He has spoyl'd me, I am undone, I dye of what he has done me. How, cry'd the Devil, what is it? I'll tickle him off for you by and by. Alas cry'd the old Dissem∣bler, he told me, the Butcher, the Tyrant, the Tearer of Devils, that he had made a match to scratch with you this Day, and to try his Clawes, he did but just touch me with his little Finger, here betwixt the Legs, and has spoyl'd me for ever. Oh! I am a dead Woman, I shall never be my self again: do but see! nay and besides he talk'd of going to the Smiths to have his Pounces sharpen'd and pointed. Alas you are undone, Mr. Devil; good Sir, scamper quick••y, I am sure he won't stay; save your self, I beseech you: While she said this, she uncover'd her self up to the Chin, after the manner in which the Persian Women met their Children, who fled from the fight, and plainly shew'd her What de'e call them. The frighted Devil, seeing the enor∣mous Solution of the Continuity in all its di∣mensions, blest himself, cry'd out, Mahon, De∣miourgon, Megaera, Alecto, Persephone: s'Life, catch me here when he comes! I am gon, s'Death what a gash! I resign him the Field.

Having heard the Catastrophe of the Sto∣ry, we retired a ship-board not being willing to stay there any longer. Pantagruel gave to the Poors-Box of the Fabrick of the Church,

eighteen thousand gold Royals in commi∣seration of the Poverty of the People, and the Calamity of the place.

CHAP. XLVIII. How Pantagruel went ashoar at the Island of Papimany.

HAving left the desolate Island of the Popefigs, we sailed for the space of a day very fairly and merrily, and made the blessed Island of Papimany. As soon as we had dropt Anchor in the Road, before we had well-moor'd our Ship with ground Tackle, four Persons in different Garbs row'd towards us in a Skiff. One of them was dress'd like a Monk in his Frock, draggle-tail'd and Boot∣ed: The other like a Falkoner with a Lure and a long-wing'd Hawk on his Fist: the third like a Sollicitor, with a large Bag, full of Informations, Subpoena's, Breviates Bill••, Writs, Cases, and other Implements of Pet∣tifogging. The fourth look'd like one of your Vine Barbers about Orleans, with a ••an••••e pair of Canvass Trowzers, a Dosser and a Pruning Knife at his Girdle.

As soon as the Boat had clap'd them on Board, they all with one Voice ask'd, Have you seen him, good Passengers, have you seen him? Who, ask'd Pantagruel? You

know who, answer'd they. Who is it, ask'd Fryar Jhon, 'sblood and ••onds, I'll thrash him thick and threefold? This he said, thinking that they enquir'd after some Robber, Mur∣therer, or Church-breaker. Oh wonderful, cry'd the four, do not you foreign People know the One? Sirs, reply'd Epistemon, we do not understand those Terms; but if you will be pleas'd to let us know who you mean, we'll tell you the truth of the matter without any more ado. We mean, said they, he that is; did you ever see him? He that is, re∣turn'd Pantagruel, according to our Theolo∣gical Doctrine, is God, who said to Moses, I am that I am: We never saw him, nor can he be beheld by Mortal Eyes. We meant nothing less than that supream God who rules in Heaven, reply'd they, we spoke of the God on Earth, did you ever see him? Upon my Honour, cry'd Carpalim, they mean the Pope. Ay, ay, answer'd Panurge, yea verily, Gen∣tlemen, I have seen three of them, whose sight has not much better'd me. How! cry••d they, our Sacred Decreta••s inform us, that there never is more than one living. I mean successively, one after the other, return'd Pa∣nurge; otherwise I never saw more than one at a time.

O thrice and four times happy People, cry'd they, you are welcom and more than double-welcom! They then kneel'd down before us and would have kiss'd our Feet, but

we would not suffer it, telling them, that, should the Pope come thither in his own Per∣son, 'tis all they could do to him. No, certain∣ly, answer'd they, for we have already re∣solv'd upon the matter. We would kiss his bare Arse, without boggling at it, and eke his two Pounders; for he has a pair of them, the Holy Father, that he has; we find it so by our fine Decretals, otherwise he could not be Pope. So that according to our subtile Decretalin Philosophy, this is a necessary Con∣sequence; he is Pope, therefore he has Ge∣nitories; and, should Genitories no more be found in the World, the World could no more have a Pope.

While they were talking thus, Pantagruel enquir'd of one of their Coxswain's Crew, who those Persons were? he answer'd, that they were the four Estates of the Island, and added that we should be made as welcom as Princes, since we had seen the Pope. Panurge having been acquainted with this by Panta∣gruel, said to him in his Ear, I swear and vow, Sir, 'tis even so, he that has patience may compass any thing. Seeing the Pope had done us no good, now in the Devil's name, 'twill do us a great deal. We then went ashoar, and the whole Country, Men, Wo∣men and Children came to meet us as in a so∣lemn Procession. Our four Estates cry'd out to them with a loud voice; they have seen him, they have seen him, they have seen

him. That Proclamation being made, all the Mob kneeled down before us, lifting up their Hands towards Heaven, and crying; O happy Men! O most happy. And this Acclamation lasted above a quarter of an hour.

Then came the Busby of the place with all his Pedagogues, Usher's, and School boys, whom he Magisterially flogg'd, as they us'd to whip Children in our Country, formerly when some Criminal was hang'd, that they might remember it. This displeas'd Pantagruel, who said to them; Gentlemen, if you do not leave off whipping these poor Children, I'm gone. The People were amaz'd hear- his Stentorean voice; and I saw a little Hump with long Fingers, say to the Hypodi∣dascal; what! In the name of Wonder, do all those that see the Pope grow as tall as yon ••••ge Fellow that threatens us? Ah! How I shall think time long, till I have seen him too, that I may grow and look as big. In short, the Acclamations were so great, that H••menas (so they call their Bishop) hasten'd thi••her on an unbridled Mule, with green Trappings, attended by his Aposts (as they ••aid) and his Supposts or Officers, bearing Crosses, Banners, Standards, Canopies, Tor∣ches, Holy-water pots, &c. He too wanted to kiss our Feet (as the good Christian Va••sinter did to Pope Clement) saying, that one of their ••••••oth••tes, that's one of the Scavengers,

Scowrers and Commentators of their Holy Decretals, had written, that, in the same manner as the Messiah, so long and so much expected by the Jews, at last appear'd among them; so on some happy day of God the Pope would come into that Island; and that, while they waited for that blessed time, if any who had seen him at Rome, or elsewhere, chanc'd to come among them, they should be sure to make much of them, feast them plentifully, and Treat them with a great deal of Reverence. However we civilly de∣sir'd to be excus'd.

CHAP. XLIX. How Homenas Bishop of Papimany shew'd us the Uranopet Decretals.

HOmenas then said to us: 'Tis enjoyn'd us by our Holy Decretals to visit Churches first, and Taverns after. There∣fore not to decline that fine Institution, let us go to Church; we shall afterwards go to Feast our selves. Man of God, quoth Fryar Jhon, do you go before, we'll follow you, you spoke in the matter properly and like a good Christian, 'tis long since we saw any such. For my part, this rejoyces my mind very much, and I verily believe that I shall have the bet∣ter Stomach after it; well, 'tis a happy thing

to meet with good Men! Being come near the Gate of the Church, we spy'd a huge thick Book, gilt and covered all over with pre∣cious Stones, as Rubies Emeralds, and Pearls, more, or at least as valuable as those which Au∣gustus consecrated to Jupiter Capitolinus. This Book hang'd in the Air, being fasten'd with two thick Chains of Gold to the Zoophore of the Porch. We look'd on it, and admir'd it. As for Pantagruel he handled it, and dan∣dled it, and turn'd it as he pleas'd, for he could reach it without straining; and he protested, that whenever he touch'd it, he was seiz'd with a pleasant tickling at his Fingers end, new Life and Activity in his Arms, and a violent temptation in his Mind to beat one or two Sergeants or such Officers, provided they were not of the Shaveling-kind. Homenas then said to us, The Law was formerly given to the Jews by Moses, written by God himself; at Delphos before the Portal of Apol••o's Temple, this Sentence, 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉, was found written with a Divine Hand, and sometime after it was also seen, and as Divinely written and trans∣mitted from Heaven. Cybele's Shrine was brought out of Heaven into a Field call'd Penisunt in Phrygia; so was that of D••••a to Tauris, if you will believe Euripides; the Oriflambe, or Holy Standard was transmitted out of Heaven to the Noble and most Chri∣stian Kings of France to fight against the Unbe∣lievers.

In the Reign of Numa Pompilius, second King of the Romans, the famous Cop∣per Buckler call'd Ancile was seen to descend from Heaven. At Acropolis near Athens, Mi∣nerva's Statue formerly fell from the Empy∣real Heaven. In like manner the sacred De∣cretals, which you see, were written with the hand of an Angel of the Cherubin-kind; you Outlandish People will hardly believe this, I fear? Little enough of Conscience; said Panurge.— And then, continued Home∣nas, they were miraculously transmitted to us here from the very Heaven of Heavens in the same manner as the River Nile is call'd Diipetes by Homer the Father of all Philosophy (the holy Decretals always excepted.) Now because you have seen the Pope, their Evangelist and ever∣lasting Protector, we will give you leave to see and kiss them on the Inside, if you think it meet. But then you must fast Three days before, and Canonically confess, nicely and strictly mustering up, and inventorising your Sins great and small, so thick that one single Circumstance of them may not sc••pe you, as our holy Decretals, which you see, direct. This will take up some time. Man of God, answer'd Panurge, we have seen and des∣cry'd Decrees and eke Decretals enough o' Conscience, some on Paper other on Parch∣ment fine and gay like any painted Pa∣per Lantern, some on Vellom, some in Ma∣nuscript, and others in Print; so you need not take half this Pains to shew us these.

We'll take the Good-will for the Deed, and thank you as much as if we had. Ay Mar∣ry, said Homenas, but you never saw these that are Angelically written. Those in your Country, are only Transcripts from ours, as we find it written by one of our old Decre∣taline Scoliasts. For me; Do not spare me, I do not value the Labour, so I may serve you; do but tell me whether you will be confest, and fast only three short little days of God? As for shriving, answer'd Panurge, there can be no great harm in't, but this same Fasting, Master of mine, will hard∣ly down with us at this time; for we have so very much over-fasted our selves at Sea, that the Spiders have spun their Cobwebs o∣ver our Grinders. Do but look on this good Fryar Ihon des Entomeures (Homenas then cour∣teously Demy-clipp'd him about the Neck) some Moss is growing in his Throat for want of bestirring and exercising his Chaps. He speaks the Truth, vouch'd Fryar Ihon, I have so much fasted, that I'm almost grown hump-shoulder'd. Come then, let's go into the Church, said Homenas, and pray forgive us if for the Present we do not sing you a fine high Mass: The hour of Mid-day is past, and after it our sacred Decretals forbid us to sing Mass, I mean your high and lawful Mass. But I'll say a low and dry one for you. I had rather have one moistened with some good Anjou Wine, cry'd Panurge; fall to, fall

to your low Mass, and dispatch. Od's Bo∣dikins, quoth Fryar Ihon, it frets me to the Guts that I must have an empty Stomach at this time of day. For, had I eaten a good Breakfast, and fed like a Monk, if he should chance to sing us the Requiem aeternam dona eis, domine, I had then brought thither Bread and Wine for the Traits passes, (those that are gone before.) Well, Patience; Pull away, and save a Tide, short and sweet, I pray you, and this for a Cause.

CHAP. L. How Homenas show'd us the Arch-Type, or Representation of a Pope.

MAss being mumbled over, Homenas took a huge bundle of Keys out of a Trunk near the Head Altar, and put Thirty two of them into so many Key-holes, put back so many Springs, then with Fourteen more master'd so many Padlocks, and at last open'd an Iron-Window strongly barr'd a∣bove the said Altar. This being done, in token of great Mystery, he cover'd himself with wet Sackcloth, and drawing a Curtain of Crimson Sattin, show'd us an Image daub'd over coursly enough, to my thinking; then he touch'd it with a pretty long stick, and made us all kiss the part of the Stick that

had touch'd the Image. After this he said to us, What think you of this Image? It is the Likeness of a Pope, answer'd Panta∣gruel; I know it by the Tripple Crown, his Furr'd Aumusse, his Rochet, and his Slipper. You are in the right, said Homenas; it is the Idea of that same good God on Earth, whose coming we devoutly await, and whom we hope one day to see in this Country. O hap∣py, wish'd for, and much expected day; and happy, most happy, you whose propiti∣ous Stars have so far favour'd you as to let you see the living and real Face of this good God on Earth, by the single sight of whose Picture we obtain full Remission of all the Sins which we remember, that we have com∣mitted, as also a Third part, and Eighteen Quarantaines of the Sins which we have for∣got: And indeed we only see it on high an∣nual Holy days.

This caus'd Pantagruel to say that it was a Work like those which Daedalus us'd to make; since tho' it were deform'd and ill drawn, nevertheless some divine Energy in Point of Pardons lay hid and conceal'd in it. Thus, said Fryar Ihon, at Sevillé, the raskally Beg∣gers being one Evening on a Solemn Holy∣day at Supper in the Spittle, one bragg'd of having got Six Blancs, or Two pence Half-penny, another Eight Liards or Two pence, a Third Seven Carolus's or Six pence; but an old Mumper made his Vaunts of having

got three Testons, or five Shillings: Ah, but (cry'd his Comrades) thou hast a Leg of god; as if continu'd Fryar Ihon, some divine Vertue could lye hid in a stenching ulcerated rotten Shanck. Pray, said Pantagruel, when you are for telling us some such nauseous Tale, be so kind as not to forget to provide a Bason, Fryar Ihon; I'll assure you, I had much ado to forbear bringing up my Breakfast: Fy, I wonder a Man of your Coat is not asham'd to use thus the Sacred name of God in speaking of things so filthy and abominable; Fy, I say: If among your monking Tribes such an abuse of Words is allow'd, I beseech you leave it there, and do not let it come out of the Cloysters. Physicians, said Epistemon, thus attribute a kind of Divinity to some Disea∣ses; Nero also extoll'd Mushrooms, and in a Greek Proverb term'd them divine Food, be∣cause with them he had Poyson'd Claudius his Predecessor. But methinks, Gentlemen, this same Picture is not over-like our late Popes. For I have seen them, not with their Pallium, Aumusse or Rocket on, but with Helmets on their Heads, more like the Top of a Persian Tur∣bant; and while the Christian Common∣wealth was in Peace, they alone were most furiously and cruelly making War. This must have been then, return'd Homena••, against the Rebellious, Heretical Protestants; Reprobates, who are disobedient to the Ho∣liness of this good God on Earth. 'Tis not

only lawful for him to do so, but it is en∣joyn'd him by the Sacred Decretals, and if any dare transgress one single Iota against their Commands, whether they be Emperors, Kings, Dukes, Princes, or Commonwealths, he is im∣mediately to pursue them with Fire and Sword, strip them of all their Goods, take their Kingdoms from them, proscribe them, Anathem••tize them, and destroy not only their Bodies, those of their Children, Relations and others, but Damn also their Souls to the very bottom of the most hot and burning Caldron in Hell. Here, in the Devil's name, said Panurge, the People are no Hereticks, such as was our Raminagrobis, and as they are in Germany and England. You are Christians of the best Edition, all pick'd and cull'd, for ought I see. Ay, marry are we, return'd Homenas, and for that reason we shall all be sav'd. Now let us go and bless our selves with Holy-water, and then to Dinner.

CHAP. LI. Table-Talk in Praise of the Decretals.

NOw Topers, pray observe that while Homenas was saying his dry Mass, three Collectors, or Licens'd Beggers of the Church, each of them with a large Basin went round among the People, saying with a loud Voice;

Pray remember the blessed Men who have seen his Face. As we came out of the Temple they brought their Basins brim full of Papi∣many Chink to Homenas, who told us that it was plentifully to Feast with; and that, of this Contribution and voluntary Tax, one part should be laid out in good Drinking, ano∣ther in good Eating, and the remainer in both; according to an admirable Exposition hidden in a Corner of their Holy Decretals; which was perform'd to a T, and that at a noted Tavern not much unlike that of Will's at Amiens. Believe me we tickled it off there with copious Cramming, and numerous Swilling.

I made two notable Observations at that Dinner; the one that there was not one Dish serv'd up whether of Cabrittas, Capons, Hogs (of which latter there's great Plenty in Papimany) Pigeons, Coneys, Leverets, Turkeys or others, without abundance of Magistral Stuff; the other, that every Course and the Fruit also were serv'd up by unmar∣ried Females of the Place, tight Lasses, I'll assure you, Waggish, Fair, Good condi∣tion'd, and Comely, Spruce, and fit for Business. They were clad all in fine long white Albes with two Girts, their Hair inter∣woven with narrow Tape, and purple Rib∣bond, stuck with Roses, Gilly-flowers Mar∣joram, Daffidown-Dillies, Thyme and other sweet Flowers.

At every Cadence, they invited us to drink and bang it about, dropping us neat and gentile Court'sies: nor was the sight of them unwelcome to all the Company; and as for Fryar Ihon, he leer'd on them sideways, like a Cur that steals a Capon. When the first course was taken off, the Females me∣lodiouly Sung us an Epode in Praise of the Sacrosanct Decretals; and then the second Course being serv'd up Homenas joyful and cheery, said to one of the she Buttlers, Light here, Claricia. Immediately one of the Girls brought him a Tall-boy brim-full of Extravagant VVine. He took fast hold of it and fetch∣ing a deep sigh said to Pantagruel: My Lord, and you my good Friends, Here's t'ye, with all my Heart: You are all very wellcome. When he had tipp'd that off, and given the Tall-boy to the pretty Creature, he lifted up his Voice and said; O most holy Decretals, how good is good Wine found through your Means. This is the best Jest we have had yet, observ'd Panurge: But twould still be a better, if they could turn bad Wine into Good.

O Seraphic Sextum! (continu'd Homenas•• how necessary are you not to the Salvation of poor Mortals. O Cherubic Clementinae! How perfectly the perfect institution of a true Christian is contain'd and describ'd in you! O Angelical Extravagants! How many poor Souls that wander up and down in mortal

Bodies, throw this vale of Misery, would perish, were it not for you! VVhen ha! VVhen shall this special gift of grace be bestow'd on Man kind, as to lay aside all other Studies and Concerns, to use you, to peruse you, to understand you, to know you by heart, to practise you, to incorpo∣rate you, to turn you into blood, and incen∣ter you into the deepest Ventricles of their Brains the inmost Marrow of their Bones, and most intricate Labyrinth of their Arte∣ries? Then, ha then, and no sooner than then, nor otherwise than thus shall the World be happy! VVhile the old Man was thus running on, Epistemon arose and softly said to Panurge; For want of a close stool, I must e'en leave you for a moment or two; this Stuff has unbung'd the Orifice of my Mustard-Barrel, but I'll not tarry long.

Then, ah then, continu'd Homenas, no Hail, Frost, Ice, Snow, Overflowing, or Vis∣major: Then plenty of all earthly goods here below. Then uninterrupted and eternal Peace throw the universe, an End of all Wars, plunderings, drudgeries, robbing, ass••∣sinates, unless it be to destroy these cursed Rebels the Heretics. Oh then, Rejoycing, Cheerfulness, Jollity, Solace, Sports and de∣licious Pleasures, over the Face of the Earth. Oh! What great Learning, inestimable Eru∣dition, and Godlike Precepts, are knit, link'd

rivetted and mortais'd in the Divine Chapters of these eternal Decretals?

Oh! How wonderfully, if you read but one demy Canon, short Paragraph, or sin∣gle Observation of these Sacrosanct Decretals, how wonderfully, I say, do you not per∣ceive to kindle in your Hearts, a furnace of divine Love, Charity towards your Neigh∣bour (provided he be no Heretic,) bold Contempt of all casual and sublunary Things, firm Content in all your affections, and ex∣tatic Elevation of Soul even to the third Heaven!

CHAP. LII. A Continuation of the Miracles caus'd by the Decretals.

WIsely, Brother Timothy, quoth Pa∣nurge, did am did am; he says blew; But for my part I believe as little of it as I can. For, one Day by chance I happen'd to read a Chapter of them at Poictiers at the most Decretalipotent Scotch Doctor's, and old Nick turn me into Burnfodder, if this did not make me so Hide-bound and cost∣ive that, for four or five Days I hardly scumber'd one poor butt of Sir-reverence, and

that too was full as dry and hard, I pro∣test, as Catullus tells us were those of his Neighbour Furius.

Nec toto decies cacas in anno, At{que} id durius est fabâ, & lapillis: Quod tu si manibus teras, frices{que} Non unquam digitum inquinare posses.

Oh, ho, cry'd Homenas, by'r Lady, it may be you were then in the State of Mortal sin, my Friend. Well turn'd, cry'd Panurge, this was of a new strain é gad.

One day, said Fryar John, at Sevillé I had apply'd to my posteriors by the way of hind-Towel a leaf of an old Clementinae, which our Rent-gatherer John Guimard had thrown out into the green of our Cloyster: now the Devil broyl me like a Black-pudding if I was n't so abominably plagu'd with chaps, chawns and piles at the Fundament, that the Orifice of my poor Nockandroe was in a most wofull Pickle for I don't know how long. By 'r Lady cry'd Homenas, 'twas a plain Punish∣ment of God, for the sin that you had committed in beraying that sacred Book, which you ought rather to have kiss'd and ador'd, I say with an adoration of La∣tria, or of Hyperdulia at least: The Panormi∣tan never told a Lye in the matter.

Saith Ponocrates, at Montpelier, John Ch••iiart having bought of the Monks of St. Olary a

delicate set of Decretals written on fine large Parchment of Lamballe, to beat Gold be∣tween the leaves, not so much as a piece that was beaten in them came to good, but all were dilacerated and spoil'd. Mark this, cry'd Homenas, 'twas a Divine punishment and ven∣geance.

At Mans, said Eudemon, Francis Cornu, A∣pothecary, had turn'd an old set of Extrava∣gantes into waste Paper; may I never stir, if whatever was lapt up in them was not im∣mediately corrupted, rotten and spoyl'd; in∣cense, Pepper, Cloves, Cinnamon, Saffro••, Wax, Cassia, Rhubarb, Tamarinds, all, Drugs and Spices, were lost without excep∣tion. Mark, mark, quoth Hamenas, an effect of Divine Justice! This comes of put∣ting the Sacred Scriptures to such prophane uses.

At Paris, said Carpalim, Snip Groignet the Taylor had turn'd an old Clementime into P••••∣terns and Measures, and all the Clothes that were cut on them were utterly spoil'd and lost•• Gowns, Hoods, Cloaks, Cassocks, Jerkins, J••ckets, Wastcoats, Capes, Doublets, Petti∣coats, Corps de Robes, Vardingals, and so forth. Snip thinking to cut a Hood would cut you out a Codpiece; instead of a Cass••ck he'd make you a high Crown'd Hat; for a Wast∣coat he'd shape you out a Rochet; on the Pattern of a Doublet he'd make you a thing like a Frying-pan; then his Journey-men,

having stitch'd it up, did jagg it and pink it at the bottom, and so it look'd like a pan to fry Chesnuts; instead of a Cape he made a Buskin; for a Vardingale he shap'd a Montero-Cap; and thinking to make a Cloak he'd cut out a pair of your big outstroutting Switzers Breeches with panes like the outside of a Ta∣bor. In so much that Snip was condemn'd to make good the Stuffs to all his Customers; and to this day poor Cabbidge's hair grows through his Hood, and his Arse through his Pocket-holes. Mark, an effect of Heavenly wrath and vengeance, cry'd H••menas.

At Cahusac, said Gymnast, a march being made by the Lords of Estissac and Vicount Lausun to shoot at a Mark, P••••••tou had taken to pieces a set of Decretals, and set one of the Leaves for the White to shoot at; now I sell, nay I give and bequeath for ever and aye the Mould of my Doublet to fifteen hundred Hampers full of black Devils, if ever any Ar∣cher in the Country tho they are singular Marksmen in Gusenne•• could hit the White. Not the least bit of the Holy Scrible was con∣taminated or touch'd; nay, and Sa••••••••••n the Elder who held Stakes, swore to us▪ 〈◊〉〈◊〉 di••ures, hard Fig•• (his greatest Oath ••hat ••e had openly, visibly and manifestly seen the B••lt of Carquelin moving right to the round Circle in the middle of the White, and that just on the point when it was going to hit and enter, it had gon aside above seven foot

and four inches wide of it towards the Bake∣house.

Miracle! (cry'd Homenas) Miracle, Mira∣cle! Clerica, come Wench, light, light here, Here's to you all Gentlemen; I vow you seem to me very sound Christians. While he said this, the Maidens began to snicker at his Elbow, grinning, giggling and twit∣tering among themselves. Fryar Jhon began to paw, neigh and whinny at the Snout's end, as one ready to leap, or at least to play the Ass, and get up and ride tantivy to the Devil like a Beggar on Horseback.

Methinks, said Pantagruel, a Man might have been more out of danger near the White of which Gymnast spoke, than was for∣merly Diogenes near another. How's that? ask'd Homenas, what was it? Was he one of our Decretalists? Rarely fallen in again e'gad, said Epistemon returning from Stool, I see he will hook his Decretals in, tho' by the Head and Shoulders.

Diogenes, said Pantagruel, one day for Pas∣time, went to see some Archers that shot at Butts, one of whom was so unskilful, that, when it was his turn to shoot, all the by∣standers went aside, lest he should mistake them for the Mark. Diogenes had seen him shoot extremly wide off it, so when the other was taking aim a second time, and the Peo∣ple remov'd at a great distance to the right and left of the White, he placed himself close

by the Mark, holding that place to be the safest, and that so bad an Archer would cer∣tainly rather hit any other.

One of the Lord d'Estissac's Pages at last found out the Charm, pursued Gymnast, and by his advice Perotou put in another White made up of some Papers of Pouillac's Law Suit, and then every one shot cleverly.

At Landerousse, said Rhizotome, at John De∣lif's Wedding were very great doings, as 'twas then the Custom of the Country. After Sup∣per, several Farces, Interludes, and Comical Scenes were acted: they had also several Morrice-dances with Bells and Tabors; and divers sorts of Masques, and Mummers were let in. My School-fellows and I, to grace the Festival to the best of our Power (for, fine white and purple Liveries had been given to all of us in the Morning) contriv'd a merry Mask with store of Cockle-shells, shells of Snails, Periwinkles and such other. Then for want of Cuckoe-pint or Priest-pintle, Louse∣bur, Clote, and Paper, we made our selves false Faces with the Leaves of an old Sextum, that had been thrown by and lay there for any one that would take it up, cutting out holes for the Eyes, Nose and Mouth. Now did you ever hear the like since you were born, when we had play'd our little Boyish Antick Tricks, and came to take off our sham-faces, we appear'd more hideous and ugly than the little Devils that acted the Passion at Douay:

For our Faces were utterly spoyl'd at the places which had been touch'd by those ••eaves; one had there the Small Pox, another God's Token, or the Plague spot, a third the Crinckums, a fourth the Measles, a fifth Botches Pushes and Carbuncles; in short, he came off the least hurt who only lost his Teeth by the b••rgain. Miracle, bawl'd out Homenas, Mirac••e!

Hold, hold, cry'd Rhizotome, 'tis n't yet time to clap; my Sister Kate, and my Sister R••n had put the Crepines of their Hoods, their Ruffles, Snoffekins, and Neck-Ruffs row wash'd starch'd and iron'd, into that very Book of Decretals; for, you must know, it was cover'd with thick Boards and had strong Clasps; now, by the virtue of God — Hold, interrupted Homenas, what God do you mean? There is but one, an∣swer'd Rhizotome. In Heaven, I grant, reply'd Homenas, but we have another here on Earth, d'ye see. Ay marry, have we, said Rhizotome, but on my Soul I protest I had quite forgot it— well then, by the virtue of God the Pope, their Pinners, Neck-ruffs, Bibs, Coifs, and other Linnen turn'd as black as a Char-coal∣man's Sack. Miracle, cry'd Homenas! Here, Clerica, light me here, and pr'ythee, Girl, observe these rare Stories. How comes it to pass then, ask'd Fryar Jhon, that People say,

Ever since Decrees had Tails, And Gens-d' Arms lugg'd heavy Mails, Since each Monk would have a Horse, All went here from bad to worse.

Depuis que Decrets eurent Ales, Et Gens-d'Armes porterent Males, Moines allerent à Cheval, En ce monde abonda à tout mal.

I understand you, answer'd Homenas; this is one of the quirks and little satires of the new fangl'd Hereticks.

CHAP. LIII. How, by the Virtue of the Decretals, Gold is subtilly drawn out of France to Rome.

I would, said Epistemon, it had cost me a a pint of the best Tripe that ever can enter into Gut, so we had but compar'd with the Original, the dreadful Chapters, Execra∣bilis. De multa. Si plures. De Annatis per totum. Nisi essent. Cum ad Monasterium. Quod dilectio. Mandatum; and certain others that draw every year out of France to Rome, four hundred thousand Ducats and more.

Do you make nothing of this, ask'd Ho∣menas? Tho' methinks, after all, 'tis but lit∣tle if we consider that France the most Christian, is the only Nurse, the See of Rome has. How∣ever find me in the whole World a Book whe∣ther of Philosophy, Physic, Law, Mathe∣maticks, or other humane Learning, nay, even, by my God, of the Holy Scripture it self, that will draw as much Money thence? None, none, pshaw, tush, blurt, pish, none can: You may look till your Eyes drop out of your Head; nay, till Dooms-day in the afternoon, before you can find another of that Energy; I'll pass my word for that.

Yet these Devillish Heretics refuse to learn and know it. Burn 'em, tear 'em, nip 'em with hot Pincers, drown 'em, hang 'em, spit 'em at the Bung-hole, pelt 'em, paut 'em, bruise 'em, beat 'em, cripple 'em, dismem∣ber 'em, cut 'm gut 'em, bowell 'em, paunch 'em, thrash 'em, slash 'em, gash 'em, chop 'em, slice 'em, slit 'em, carve 'em, saw 'em, bethwack em, pare 'em, hack 'em, hew 'em, mince 'em, flea 'em, boyl 'em, broyl 'em, roast 'em, toast 'em, bake 'em, fry 'em, crucifie 'em, crush 'em, squeeze 'em, grind 'em, bat∣ter 'em, burst 'em, quarter 'em, unlimb 'em, bebump 'em, bethump 'em, belam me'em, be∣labour 'em, pepper 'em, spitchcock 'em, and carbonade 'em on Grind irons, these wicked Heretics; Decretalifuges, Decretalicides,

worse than Homicides, worse than Patricides, Decretalictones of the Devil of Hell.

As for you other good People, I most ear∣nestly pray and beseech you to believe no other thing, think on, say, undertake, or do no other thing than what's contain'd in our Sacred Decretals, and their Corollaries, this fine Sextum, these fine Clementinae, these fine Extravagantes. O Deific Books! So shall you enjoy Glory, Honour, Exaltation, Wealth, Dignities, and Preferments in this World; be rever'd, and dreaded by all, pre∣ferr'd, Elected, and Chosen above all Men.

For, there is not under the Cope of Hea∣ven, a condition of Men out of which you'll find Persons fitter to do and handle all things, than those who by Divine Prescience, Eternal Predestination, have applied themselves to the Study of the Holy Decretals.

Would you chuse a worthy Emperor, a good Captain a fit General in time of War, one that can well foresee all inconveniencies, avoid all dangers, briskly and bravely bring his Men on to a Breach or Attack, still be on sure grounds, always overcome without loss of his Men, and know how to make a good use of his Victory? Take me a Decre••ist.— No, no, I mean a Decretalist. Ho, the foul Blunder, whisper'd Epistemon.

Would you in time of Peace, find a Man capable of wisely governing the State of a Commonwealh, of a Kingdom, of a Em∣pire,

of a Monarchy, sufficient to maintain the Clergy, Nobility, Senate and Common•• in Wealth, Friendship, Unity, Obedience, Virtue and Honesty? Take a Decretalist.

Would you find a Man who, by his ex∣emplary Life, Eloquence, and pious Admo∣nitions▪ may in a short time without effusion of humane blood Conquer the Holy Land, and bring over to the Holy Church the misbe∣lieving Turks, Jews, Tartars, Muscovites, Mam∣melus, and Sarrabonites? Take me a Decretalist.

What makes in many Countries, the Peo∣ple Rebellious and deprav'd, Pages sawcy and mischievous, Students sottish and duncical? Nothing but that their Governours, Esquires, and Tutors were not Decretalists.

But what, on your▪ Conscience, was it d'ye think that establish'd, confirm'd and autho∣ris'd these fine Religious Orders with whom you see the Christian World every where a∣dorn'd, grac'd and illustrated as the Firma∣ment is with its glorious Stars? The Holy Decretals.

What was it that founded, underpropt, and fix'd, and now maintains, nourishes and feeds the devout Monks and Fryars in Convents, Monasteri••s and Abbeys, so that did they not daily and mightily pray without ceasing▪ the World would be in evident danger of return∣ing to its Primitive 〈◊〉〈◊〉? The Sacred De∣cretals.

What 〈…〉〈…〉 the fa∣mous

and celebrated Patrimony of St. Peter in plenty of all Temporal, Corporeal and Spiritual Blessings? The Holy Decretals.

What made the Holy Apostolick See and Pope of Rome in all times, and at this pre∣sent so dreadful in the Universe, that all Kings, Emperors, Potentates, and Lords willing nilling must depend on him, hold of him, be Crown'd, confirm'd, and Autho∣ris'd by him, come thither to strike sail, buckle, and fall down before his Holy Slipper, whose Picture you have seen? The mighty Decre∣tals of God.

I will discover you a great secret; The Universities of your World have commonly a Book either open or shut in their Arms and Devises; what Book do you think it is? Truly, I do not know, answer'd Pantagruel, I never read it. It is the Decretals, said Home∣nas, without which the Priviledges of all Uni∣versities would soon be lost. You must own I have taught you this, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Here Homenas began to b••l••h, to farr, to sunk, to laugh, to slaver, and to swea••; and then he gave his huge greasy four-corner'd Cap to one of the Lasses, who clapt it 〈◊〉〈◊〉 her pretty head with a deal of joy after she had lovingly buss'd it, as a sure token that she should be first married. Vivat, cry'd Episte∣mon, fifat, bibat, pipat.

O Apocalyptic secret, continued Homenas! light, light, Clerica, light here with doub••••

Lanterns. Now for the Fruit, Virgins.

I was saying then, that giving your selves thus wholly to the Study of the Holy Decre∣tals, you'll gain Wealth and Honour in this World; I add, that in the next you'll infal∣libly be saved in the blessed Kingdom of Heaven, whose Keys are given to Our good God and Decretaliarch. O My good God, whom I adore and never saw, by thy special Grace open unto us, at the Point of Death at least, this most Sacred Treasure of our Holy Mother Church, whose Protector, Pre∣server, Buttler, Chief Larder, Administra∣tor, and Disposer thou art; and take care, I beseech thee, O Lord, that the precious works of Supererogation, the goodly Pardons do not fail us in time of need; so that the Devils may not find an opportunity to gripe our precious Souls, and the dreadful Jaws of Hell may not swallow us. If we must pass thro' Purgatory, Thy will be done. It is in thy Power to draw us out of it when thou pleas∣est. Here Homenas began to shed huge hot bri••y Tears, to beat his Brest, and kiss his Thumbs in the shape of a Cross.

CHAP. LIV. How Homenas give Pantagruel some Bon-Christian Pears.

EPistemon, Fryar Ihon, and Panurge seeing this doleful Catastrophe began under

the cover of their Napkins to cry, Meeow, Meeow, Meeow, feigning to wipe their Eyes all the while as if they had wept. The Wenches were doubly diligent and brought Brimmers of Clementine Wine to every one, besides store of Sweet-meats, and thus the Feasting was reviv'd.

Before we arose from Table, Homenas gave us a great quantity of fair large Pears; say∣ing, Here, my good Friends, these are sin∣gular good Pears, you'll find none such any where else I dare warrant. Every Soyl hears not every thing you know; India alone boasts black Ebony, the best Incense is pro∣duc'd in Sabaea, the Sphragitid Earth at Lem∣nos; So this Island is the only Place where such fine Pears grow. You may, if you please, make Seminaries with their Pippins, in your Country.

I like their Taste extremely, said Panta∣gruel; if they were slic'd and put into a Pan on the Fire with Wine and Sugar, I fancy they would be very wholesome Meat for the Sick as well as for the Healthy; Pray what do you call 'em? No, otherwise than you've heard, reply'd Homenas; we are a plain down-right sort of People, as God would have it, and call Figs, Figs; Plumbs, Plumbs; and Pears, Pears. Truly, said Pantagruel, If I live to go home, (which I hope will be speedily, God willing) I'll set and gras•• some in my Garden in Touraine by the

Banks of the Loire, and will them call Bon-Chri∣stian or Good-Christian Pears; for I never saw better Christians than are these good Papi∣mans. I'd like him two to one better yet, said Fryar Ihon, would he but give us two or three Cart-loads of yon buxsome Lasses. Why, what would you do with them, cry'd Homenas? Quoth Fryar Ihon, no harm, Only bleed the Kind-hearted Souls straight between the two great Toes with certain clever Lancets of the right stamp; By which Operation Good-Christian Children would be inoculated upon them, and the Breed be multiply'd in our Country, in which there are not many over good, the more's the Pity.

Nay, verily reply'd Homenas, We cannot do this, for you would make them tread their Shoes awry, crack their Pipkins, and spoil their Shapes; you love Mutton I see, you'll run at Sheep, I know you by that same Nose, and Hair of yours, tho' I never saw your Face before. Alas, alas, how kind you are! And would you indeed Damn your precious Soul? Our Decretals forbid this; Ah, I wish you had them at your Fingers-end. Patience, said Fryar Ihon: But, Si tu non vis dare, prae∣sta quaesumas; matter of Breviary; as for that I defie a••l the world, and I fear no Man that wears a Head and a Hood, tho' be were a Ch••••stallin, I mean a Decretalin Doctor.

Dinner being over, we took our leave of the Right Reverend Homenas, and of all the

good People, humbly giving thanks, and, to make them amends for their kind Entertain∣ment, Promised them that at our coming to Rome we would make our Applications so effe∣ctualy to the Pope, that he would speedily be sure to come to Visit them in Person. Af∣ter this we went o' Board.

Pantagruel by an Act of Generosity, and as an Acknowledgment for the sight of the Pope's Picture, gave Homenas Nine pieces of double friz'd Cloth of Gold, to be set before the Grates of the Window. He also caus'd the Church Box for it's Repairs and Fabrick to be quite fill'd with double-Crowns of Gold, & order'd Nine hundred & Fourteen Angels to be deliver'd to each of the Lasses, who had waited at Table, to buy them Husbands when they could get them.

CHAP. LV. How, Pantagruel being at Sea heard various unfrozen words.

WHen we were at Sea Junketting, Tip∣ling Discoursing, and telling Stories, Pantagruel rose and stood up to l••ok out; then ask'd us, Do you 〈◊〉〈◊〉 nothing, Gentlemen? Methinks I hear 〈◊〉〈◊〉 People ••a••king in the Air; yet I can 〈…〉〈…〉 Accord∣ing to 〈…〉〈…〉

full Ears suck'd in the Air, as some of you suck Oysters, to find if we could hear some sound scatter'd thro' the Sky; and to lose none of it, like the Emperor Antoninus, some of us laid their hands hollow next to their Ears: But all this would not do, nor could we hear any Voice. Yet Pantagruel conti∣nued to assure us he heard various Voices in the Air, some of Men, and some of Wo∣men.

At last we began to Fancy that we also heard something, or at least that our Ears tingled, and the more we listen'd, the plainer we discern'd the Voices, so as to distinguish Articulate Sounds. This mightily frighted us, and not without cause, since we could see nothing, yet heard such various Sounds and Voices of Men, Women, Children, Horses, &c. insomuch that Panurge cry'd out, Cods Belly, there's no fooling with the Devil, we are all beshit, let's fly. There is some Ambuscado here abouts. Fryar Ihon art thou here, my Love? I pr'y thee, stay by me old Boy, hast thou got thy swindging Tool? See that it do not stick in the Scabbard, thou never scour'st it half as it should be. We are un∣done. Hark! They are Guns, Gad judge me; Let's fly, I do not say with hands and feet, as Brutus said at the Battel of Pharsalia, I say with Sails and Oars; Let's whip it away, I never find my self to have a bit of Cou∣rage at Sea; In Cellars and elsewhere I have

more than enough. Let's fly, and save our Bacon. I do not say this for any fear that I have; for I dread nothing but Danger; that I don't: I always say it that should n't. The Free-Archer of Baignolet said as much. Let's hazar'd nothing therefore, I say, lest we come off blowly. Tack about, Helm a Lee, thou Son of a Batchelor. Would I were now well in Quinquenois, tho' I were never to Marry. Hast away, let's make all the Sail we can, they'l be too hard for us, we are not able to cope with them, they are ten to our one, I'll warrant you; Nay, and they are on their Dunghil, while we do not know the Country. They'l be the Death of of us. We'll lose no Honour by flying; Demosthenes saith, That the Man that runs away may fight another time. At least, let us retreat to the Lee-ward. Helm a Lee; bring the main Tack aboard, Hawl the Bow∣lins, Hoist the Top-Gallants, we are all dead Men; get off in the Devils name, get off.

Pantagruel hearing the sad Outcry which Panurge made, said, who Talks of flying? Let's first see who they are, perhaps they may be Friends; I can discover no Body yet, tho' I can see a hundred Miles round me: But let's consider a little, I have read that a Phi∣losopher nam'd Perron was of Opinion, that there were several Worlds that touch'd each other in an Equilateral Triangle; in whose Centre, he said, was the dwelling of Truth,

and that the words, Ideas, Copies and Ima∣ges of all things past, and to come resided there; round which was the Age, and that with Success of Time part of them us'd to fall on mankind like Rhumes and Mildews, just as the Dew fell on Gideon's Fleece, till the Age was fulfilled.

I also remember, continued he, that Ari∣stotle affirms Homer's words to be flying, mov∣ing, and consequently animated. Besides, Antiphanes said, that Plato's Philosophy was like words which being spoken in some Coun∣try during a hard Winter are immediately congeal'd, frozen up and not heard; for, what Plato taught young Lads could hardly be understood by them, when they were grown Old. Now, continued he, we should Philosophise and Search whether this be not the place where those words are thaw'd.

You'd wonder very much, should this be the Head and Lyre of Orpheus. When the Thracian Women had torn him to Pieces, they threw his Head and Lyre into the River He∣brus; down which they floated to the Euxine Sea, as far as the Island of Lesbos, the Head con∣tinually uttering a doleful Song, as it were, lamenting the Death of Orpheus, and the Lyre with the Wind's impulse moving its strings, and Harmoniously Accompanying the Voice. Let's see if we cannot discover them here∣abouts.

CHAP. XLVI. How among the Frozen Words Panta∣gruel found some odd ones.

THe Skipper made answer; Be not afraid, my Lord, we are on the Confines of the Frozen Sea, on which about the beginning of last Winter happen'd a great and bloody Fight between the Arimaspians and the Nephe∣libates. Then the words and crys of Men and Women, the hacking, slashing, and hewing of Battle-axes, the shocking, knocking, and joulting of Armours, and Harnesses, the neighing of Horses, and all other Martial din and noise, froze in the Air; and now the rigour of the Winter being over by the succeeding serenity and warmth of the Wea∣ther, they melt and are heard.

By jingo, quoth Panurge, the Man talks somewhat like, I believe him; but could n't we see some of 'em? Methinks I have read that on the edge of the Mountain on which Moses receiv'd the the Judaic Law, the Peo∣ple saw the Voices sensibly. — Here, here, said Pantagruel, here are some that are not yet thaw'd. He then throw'd us on the Deck whole handfulls of frozen Words, which seem'd to us like your rough Sugar-Plumbs, of many colours, like those us'd in

Heraldry, some words Gules, [This means al∣so Jests and merry sayings] some Vert, some Azur, some Black, some Or, [This means also fair words;] and when we had somewhat warm'd them between our Hands, they mel∣ted like Snow, and we really heard them, but could not understand them, for it was a Barbarous Gibberish; one of them only that was pretty big, having been warm'd between Fryar Jhon's Hands, gave a sound much like that of Chesnuts when they are thrown into the fire without being first cut, which made us all start. This was the report of a Field-piece in its time, cry'd Fryar Jhon.

Panurge pray'd Pantagruel to give him some more; but Pantagruel told him, that to give words was the part of a Lover. Sell me some then, I pray you, cry'd Panurge. That's the part of a Lawyer, return'd Pantagruel. I would sooner sell you silence, tho' at a dearer Rate, as Demosthenes formerly sold it by the means of his Argentangina or Silver Squinsey.

However he threw three or four Hand∣fulls of them on the Deck, among which I deceiv'd some very sharp words, and some bloody words, which the Pilot said, us'd sometimes to go back and recoil to the place whence they came, but 'twas with a slit wee-sand; we also saw some terrible words, and some others not very pleasant to the Eye.

When they had been all melted together, we heard a strange noise, hin, hin, hin, hin,

his, tick, tock, taack, brededin, brededack, frr, frr, frr, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, track, track, trr, trr, trr, trrr, trrrrrr, on, on, on, on, on, on, ououou∣ouou, gog, magog, and I do not know what other barbarous words, which the Pilot said, were the noise made by the Charging Squadrons, the shock and neighing of Horses.

Then we heard some large ones go off like Drums and Fifes, and others like Clarions and Trumpets. Believe me, we had very good sport with them. I would fain have sav'd some merry odd words, and have pre∣serv'd them in Oyl, as Ice and Snow are kept, and between clean Straw. But Pantagruel would not let me, saying, that 'tis a folly to hoard up what we are never like to want, or have always at hand, odd quaint, merry and fat words of Gules never being scarce among all good and jovial Pantagruelists.

Panurge somewhat vex'd Fryar Jhon, and put him in the pouts; for he took him at his word, while he dreamt of nothing less. This caus'd the Fryar to threaten him with such a piece of Revenge as was put upon G. Jousse∣aume, who having taken the merry Patelin at his word, when he had overbid himself in some Cloth, was afterwards fairly taken by the Horns like a Bullock, by his jovial Chap∣man, whom he took at his word like a Man. Panurge well knowing that threat'ned folks live long, bobb'd, and made mouths at him,

in token of Derision, then cry'd, would I had here the Word of the Holy Bottle, without being thus oblig'd to go further in Pilgrimage to her.

CHAP. LVII. How Pantagruel went ashoar at the Dwelling of Gaster the first Master of Arts in World.

THat day Pantagruel went ashoar in an Island which for Situation and Gover∣nor may be said not to have its fellow. When you just come into it, you find it rugged, craggy, barren, unpleasant to the Eye, pain∣ful to the Feet, and almost as inaccessible as the Mountain of Dauphiné, which is somewhat like a Toad-stool, and was never climb'd, as any can remember, by any but Doyac, who had the charge of King Charles the Eighth's Train of Artillary,

This same Doyac with strange Tools and Engines, gain'd that Mountain's top, and there he found an old Ram. It puzzl'd many a wise Head to guess how it got thither. Some said that some Eagle, or great Horn-Coot having carry'd it thither, while 'twas yet a Lambkin, it had got away and sav'd it self among the Bushes.

As for us, having with much toyl and sweat overcome the difficult ways at the en∣trance, we found the top of the Mountain so fertile, healthful, and pleasant, that I thought I was then in the true Garden of Eden or Earthly Paradice, about whose Situation our good Theologues are in such a quandary, and keep such a pother.

As for Pantagruel, he said, That here was the Seat of Arete (that's as much as to say, Virtue) describ'd by Hesiod; this however, with submission to better Judgments. The Ruler of the place was one Master Gaster the first Master of Arts in this World; for if you believe that Fire is the great Master of Arts, as Tully writes, you very much wrong him and your self; alas, Tully never believ'd this. On the other side, if you fancy Mer∣cury to be the first Inventer of Arts, as our ancient D••uids believ'd of old, you are migh∣tily beside the Mark. The Satirist's Sentence, that affirms Master Gaster to be Master of all Arts is true. With him peacefully resided old Goody Penia alias Poverty, the Mother of the Ninty Nine Muses, on whom Porus the Lord of Plenty formerly begot Love that No∣ble Child, the Mediator of Heaven and Earth, as Plato affirms in Symposio.

We were all oblig'd to pay our homage and swear Allegiance to that migh••y Sove∣reign; for he is Imperious, Severe, Blunt, Hard, Uneasie, Inflexible; you cannot make

him believe, represent to him, or persuade him any thing.

He do's not hear; and as the Egyptians said, That Harpocrates the God of Silence nam'd Sigalion in Greek was Astomé, that is, with∣out a Mouth; so Gaster was created without Ears, even like the Image of Jupiter in Candia.

He only speaks by Signs, but those Signs are more readily obey'd by every one, than the Statutes of Senates, or Commands of Mo∣narchs; neither will he admit the least Lett, or delay in his Summons. You say, that when a Lyon roars all the Beasts at a consi∣derable distance round about, as far as his Roar can be heard, are seiz'd with a shi∣vering. This is written, 'Tis true, I have seen it. I assure you, that at Master Gaster's Command, the very Heavens tremble, and all the Earth shakes, his Command is call'd, Do this or dye: Needs must whom the Devil drives, there's no gain-saying of it.

The Pilot was telling us how on a certain Time, after the manner of the Members that mutin'd against the Belly, as Aesop de∣scribes it, the whole Kingdom of the So∣mates went off into a direct Faction against Gaster, resolving to throw off his Yoke, but they soon found their mistake and most humbly submitted, for otherwise they had all been Famish'd.

What Companies soever he is in, none dispute with him for Precedence or Su∣periority, he still goes first, tho Kings, Emperors, or even the Pope were there. So he held the first Place at the Council of Basle, tho some will tell you that the Council was tumultuous by the Conten∣tions and Ambition of many for Priority.

Every one is busied, and labours to serve him; And indeed, to make a∣mends for this, he do's this good to Man∣kind, as to invent for them All Arts, Machines, Trades, Engines, and Crafts: he even instructs Brutes in Arts which are against their Nature, making Poets of Ravens, Jack-Daws, chattering Jays, Parrots and Starlings, and Poetresses of Magpies, teaching them to utter human Languages, Speak and Sing; and All for the Gut. He reclaims and tames Eagles, Gerfaulcons, Faulcons gentle, Sakers, Lanniers, Gosse-hawks, Spar-hawks, Mer∣lins, Hagards, Passengers, Wild rapacious Birds; so that setting them free in the Air, whenever he thinks fit, as high and as long as he pleases, he keeps them su∣spended, straying, flying, hovering and courting him above the Clouds: then on a sudden he makes them stoop and come down amain from Heaven next to the Ground; and all for the Gut.

Elephants, Lions, Rhinocerotes, Bears, Horses, Mares, and Dogs, he teaches to Dance, Prance, Vault, Fight, Swim, hide themselves, fetch and carry what he pleases; and all for the Gut.

Salt and fresh-water Fish, Whales, and the Monsters of the Main, he brings up from the bottom of the Deep; Wolves he forces out of the Woods, Bears out of the Rocks, Foxes out of their Holes, and Serpents out of the Ground; and all for the Gut.

In short, he is so unruly, that in his Rage he devours all Men and Beasts; as was seen among the Vascons, when Q Me∣tellus besieg'd them in the Sertorian Wa••s; among the Saguntines besieg'd by Hanni∣bal; among the Jews besieg'd by the Ro∣mans, and Six hundred more; and all for the Gut. When his Regent Penia takes a Progress, where-ever she moves, all Senates are shut up, all Statutes re∣peal'd, all Orders and Proclamations vain; she knows, obeys, and has no Law. All shun her, in every Place chusing rather to expose themselves to Shipwracks at Sea, and venture through Fire, Rocks, Caves and Precipices, than be seiz'd by that most dreadful Tormentor.

CHAP. LVIII. How at the Court of the Master of Ingenuity, Pantagruel detested the Engastrimythes and the Gastrola∣ters.

AT the Court of that great Master of Ingenuity, Pantagruel observ'd two sorts of troublesom and too officious Apparitors, whom he very much detested. The first, were call'd Engastrimythes; the others, Gastrolaters.

The first pretended to be descended of the Ancient Race of Euricles; and for this brought the Authority of Aristophanes, in his Comedy call'd, The Wasps; whence of old they were call'd Euriclians, as Plato writes, and Plutarch in his Book of the Cessation of Oracles. In the Holy Decrees 26 Qu. 3. they are stil'd Ventri∣loqui; and the same Name is given them in Ionian by Hippocrates, in his Fifth Book of Epid. as Men who speak from the Belly. Sophocles calls them Sternomante••. These were Southsayers, Enchanters, Cheats, who gull'd the Mob, and seem'd not to speak and give Answers from the Mouth; but from the Belly.

Such a one, about the Year of our Lord 1513. was Jacoba Rodogina, an Ita∣lian Woman of mean Extract; From whose Belly, we, as well as an infinite Number of others at Ferrara, and else∣where, have often heard the Voice of the Evil Spirit speak, low, feeble and small indeed; but yet very distinct, articulate and intelligible, when she was sent for, out of Curiosity, by the Lords and Prin∣ces of the Cisalpine Gaul. To remove all Manner of Doubt, and be assur'd that this was not a Trick, they us'd to have her Stripp'd stark naked, and caus'd her Mouth and Nose to be stopp'd. This Evil Spirit would be call'd Curl••d-Pate, or Cincinnatulo, seeming pleas'd when any call'd him by that Name; at which, he was always ready to Answer. If any Spoke to him of things past or present, he gave pertinent Answers, sometimes to the Amazement of the Hearers; but if of things to come, then the Devil was gravell'd, and us'd to Lye as fast as a Dog can Trot. Nay, sometimes he seem'd to own his Ignorance, instead of an An∣swer, letting out a rouzing ••art, or mut∣tering some words with barbarous and uncouth Inflexions, and not to be un∣derstood.

As for the Gastrolaters, they stuck close to one another in Knots and Gangs.

Some of them Merry, Wanton, and Soft as so many Milksops; others low∣ring, grim, dogged, demure and crab∣bed, all idle, mortal foes to business, spending half their Time in sleeping, and the rest in doing nothing, a Rent-charge and dead unnecessary Weight on the Earth, as Hesiod saith; afraid (as we judg'd) of offending or l••ssening their Paunch. Others were mask'd, disguis'd, and so oddly dress'd, that 'twould have done you good to have seen them.

There's a Saying, and several An∣cient Sages write, That the Skill of Na∣ture appears wonderful in the Pleasure which she seems to have taken in the Configuration of Sea-shells, so great is their Variety in figures, colours, streaks, and inimitable shapes, I protest, the Variety we perceiv'd in the Dres∣ses of the Gastrolatrous Coquillons was not less. They all own'd Gaster for their Supreme God, ador'd him as a God, offer'd him Sacrifices as to their Omnipotent Deity, own'd no other God, serv'd, lov'd, and honour'd him above all things.

You would have thought that the Holy Apostle spoke of those, when he said, Phil. Chap. 3. Many walk of whom I have told you often, and now tell you

even weeping, that they are Enemies of the Cross of Christ: whose End is Destru∣ction, whose God is their Belly. Pantagruel compar'd them to the Cyclops Polyphe∣mus, whom Euripides brings in speaking thus, I only Sacrifice to my self (not to the Gods) and to this Belly of Mine, the greatest of all the Gods.

CHAP. LIX. Of the ridiculous Statue Manduce; and how, and what the Gastrola∣ters Sacrifice to their Ventripotent God.

WHile we fed our Eyes with the sight of the Phyzzes and Actions of these lozelly Gulligutted Gastrolaters, we on a sudden heard the Sound of a Mu∣sical Instrument call'd a Bell, at which all of them plac'd themselves in Rank and File as for some mighty Battel, every one according to his Office, Degree and Seniority.

In this Order, they mov'd towards Master Gaster, after a plump, young, lusty gorbellied Fellow, who on a long Staff fairly gilt, carried a wooden Statue grosly carv'd and as scurvily daub'd o'r with

Paint, such a one as Plautus, Juvenal and Pomp. Festus describe it. At Lions during the Carnaval 'tis call'd Masche∣crouste, or Gnaw crust; they call'd this Manduce.

It was a monstrous, ridiculous, hideous Figure, fit to fright little Children: Its Eves were bigger than its Belly, and its Head larger than all the rest of its Bo∣dy, well Mouth-cloven however, having a goodly Pair of wide, broad Jaws, lin'd with two Rows of Teeth, upper Teer and under Teer, which, by the Magic of a small Twine hid in the hollow part of the Golden Staff, were made to clash, clatter and rattle dreadfully one against another, as they do at Metz with St. Clement's Dragon.

Coming near the Gastrolaters, I saw they were follow'd by a great Number of fat Waiters and Tenders laden with Baskets, Dossers, Hampers, Dishes, Wal∣lets Pots and Kettles: Then under the Conduct of Manduce, and singing I don't know what Dithyrambics, Crepalocomes, and Epenons, opening their Baskets and Pots, they offer'd their God,

• ...White Hippocras with dry Toasts.
• ...White-Bread.
• ...Brown Bread.
• ...Carbonadoes, six sor••s.
• ...Brawn.
• ...

• ...Sweet-breads.
• ...Fricass••es nine sorts.
• ...Monastical Browess.
• ...Gravy-soupe.
• ...Hotch-pots.
• ...Soft-Bread.
• ...Houshold Bread.
• ...Cap••rotadoes.
• ...Cold Loins of Veal with Spice.
• ...Zinziberine.
• ...Beatille Pyes.
• ...Brewess.
• ...Marrow Bones, Toast and Cabbidge.
• ...Hashes.

Eternal Drink intermix'd. Brisk deli∣cate White-wine led the Van, Claret and Champaign follow'd, cool, nay, as cold as the very Ice, I say, fill'd and offer'd in large Silver Cups. Then they offer'd,

• ...Chitterlins garnish'd with Mustard.
• ...Saucidges.
• ...Neats Tongues.
• ...Hung Beef.
• ...Chines and Pease.
• ...Hogs-haslets.
• ...Scotch Collops.
• ...Puddings.
• ...Cervelats.
• ...Bolonia Sawcidges.
• ...Hams.
• ...Brawn-Heads.
• ...Powder'd Venison, with Turnips.
• ...Pickled Olives.

All this associated with Sempiternal Liquor. Then they hous'd within his Muzzle,

• ...Legs of Mutton with Shallots.
• ...Ollas.
• ...Lumber-Pyes, with hot Sauce.
• ...

• ... Ribs of Pork, with Onion Sauce.
• ... Roast Capons basted with their own Dripping.
• ... Caponets.
• ... Caviar and Toast.
• ... Fawns, Deer.
• ... Hares, Leverets.
• ... Partridges, & young Partridges.
• ... Pluvers.
• ... Dwarfe herons.
• ... Teals.
• ... Duckers.
• ... Bittors.
• ... Shovelers.
• ... Curlu••s.
• ... Wood-hens.
• ... Coots with Leeks.
• ... Fat Kids.
• ... Shoulders of Mutton with Capers.
• ... Sir-Loins of Beef.
• ... Breasts of Veal.
• ... Phesants and Phe∣sant poots.
• ... Peacocks.
• ... Storks.
• ... Woodcocks.
• ... Snipes.
• ... Hortolans.
• ... Turkey-Cocks, Hen-Turkeys and Tur∣key-poots.
• ... Stock doves, and Wood-culvers.
• ... Pigs with Wine sauce.
• ... Blackbirds, Owsels, and Rayles.
• ... Moor-hens.
• ... B••stards and B••∣stard poots.
• ... Fig peckers.
• ... Young Guiny hens.
• ... Flemmings.
• ... Cignets.
• ... A Renforcement of Vinegar intermixt.
• ... Veni••on P••st••es.
• ... Lark Pyes.
• ... Dormi••e Pyes.
• ... Cabretto Pasties.
• ... Roe-buck Pasties.
• ... Pigeon Pyes.
• ... Kid Pasties.
• ... Capon Pyes.
• ... Bacon Pyes.
• ... Souc'd Hogs feet.
• ... Fry'd Pasty crust
• ... Forc'd Capons.
• ... Parmesan Cheese.
• ... Red and Pale Hip∣pocras.
• ...

• ...Gold-peaches.
• ...Artichokes.
• Dry and wet Sweet-meats 78 sorts.
• ...Boyl'd Hens and fat Capons maronated.
• ...Pullets with Eggs.
• ...Chickens.
• ...Rabbets and sucking Rabbets.
• ...Quails and young Quails.
• ...Pigeons Squobbs and Squeakers.
• ...Herons and young Herons.
• ...Feldivers.
• ...Olaves.
• ...Thrushes.
• ...Young Sea-Ravens.
• ...Geese, Goslins.
• ...Queests.
• ...Widgeons.
• ...Mavises.
• ...Grouses.
• ...Turtles.
• ...Doe-Connys.
• ...Hedge hogs.
• ...Snytes.
• ...Then large Puffs.
• ...Thistle-Finches.
• ...Whore's-Farts.
• ...Fritters.
• ...Cakes, sixteen sorts.
• ...Crisp Wafers.
• ...Quince Tarts.
• ...Curds and Cream.
• ...Whipp'd Cream.
• ...Preserv'd Myrabo∣lans.
• ...Gellies.
• ...Welch Barrapyclids.
• ...Macaroons.
• ...Tarts, twenty sorts.
• Lemon Cream, Ras∣berry Cream, &c.
• Comfits, 100 Colours.
• ...Cream Wafers.
• ...Cream Cheese.

Vinegar brought up the Reer to wash the Mouth, and for fear of the Squinsy: Also Toasts to scower the Grinders.

CHAP. LX. What the Gastrolaters Sacrific'd to their God on interlarded Fish-Days.

PAntagruel did not like this Pack of Rascally Scoundrels with their ma∣nifold Kitchen Sacrifices, and would have been gone, had not Epistemon prevail'd with him to stay and see the End of the Farce; he then ask'd the Skipper, what the idle Lobcocks us'd to sacrifice to their gorbellied God on interlarded Fish-days? For his first Course, said the Skipper, they give him

• ...Caviar.
• ...Botargoes.
• ...Fresh Butter.
• ...Pease soupe.
• ...Spinage.
• ...Fresh Herrings full-roed.
• ...Salats, a hundred Va∣rieties, of Creeses, sodden Hop-tops, Bishops-Cods, Sel∣lery, Sives, Ram∣pions, Jew's-Ears, (a sort of Mush∣rooms that sprout out of old Elders) Sparagus, Wood∣bind, and a World of others.
• ...Red-herrings.
• ...Pilchards.
• ...Anchovies.
• ...Fry of Tunny.
• ...Colly flowers.
• ...Beans.
• ...Salt Salmon.
• ...Pickled Griggs.
• ...Oysters in the Shell.

Then he must drink or the Devil would gripe him at the Throat; This therefore they take care to prevent, and nothing's wanting. Which being done, they give him Lampreys with Hippocras sawce.

• ...Gurna••ds.
• ...Salmon-Trouts.
• ...Barbels great and small.
• ...Roaches.
• ...Cockrells.
• ...Menews.
• ...Thornbacks.
• ...Sleeves.
• ...Sturgeons.
• ...Sheath fish.
• ...Mackerels.
• ...Maids.
• ...Plaice.
• ...Fry'd Oysters.
• ...Cockles.
• ...Prawnes.
• ...Smelts.
• ...Rock fish.
• ...Gracious Lords.
• ...Sword fish.
• ...Skate-fish.
• ...Lamprills.
• ...••••gs.
• ...Pickerells.
• ...Golden Carps.
• ...Burbates.
• ...Salmons.
• ...Salmon-perls.
• ...Dolphins.
• ...Barn Trouts.
• ...Miller's-Thumbs.
• ...Preeks.
• ...Bret-fish.
• ...Flounders.
• ...Sea nettles.
• ...Mullets.
• ...Gudgeons.
• ...Dabs and Sandings.
• ...Haddocks.
• ...Carpes.
• ...Pyk••s.
• ...Bot••toes.
• ...Rochets.
• ...Sea-Bears.
• ...Sharplings.
• ...Tunnyes.
• ...Silver Eels.
• ...Chevins.
• ...Cray-fish.
• ...Pallours.
• ...Shrimps.
• ...

• ...Congers.
• ...Porposes.
• ...Bases.
• ...Shads.
• ...Murenes, a sort of Lampreys.
• ...Graylings.
• ...Smys.
• ...Turbots.
• ...Trouts not above a foot long.
• ...Salmons.
• ...Meagers.
• ...Sea-Breams.
• ...Halibuts.
• ...Soles.
• ...Dog's tongue or Kind-fool.
• ...Muskles.
• ...Lobsters.
• ...Great-Prawnes.
• ...Dace.
• ...Bleaks.
• ...Tenches.
• ...Ombers.
• ...Fresh Cods.
• ...Dried Melwells.
• ...Darefish.
• ...Fausens, and Griggs.
• ...Eel-pouts.
• ...Tortoises.
• Serpents, i. e. Wood-Eeles.
• ...Dorces.
• ...Moor-game.
• ...Pearches.
• ...Loaches.
• ...Crab fish.
• ...Snails and Whelks.
• ...Froggs.

If, when he had cramm'd all this down his Guttural Trap-door, he did not im∣mediately make the Fish swim again in his Paunch, Death would pack him off in a trice; Special care is taken to Antidote his Godship with Vine-tree-Syrup. Then is Sacrific'd to him, Haberdines, Poor-Jack, minglemangled mishmash'd, &c.

• Eggs fry'd, beaten, butter'd, poach'd, hardened, boyl'd, broyl'd, stew'd, slic'd, roasted in the Embers, toss'd in the Chimney, &c.
• ...Stock fish.
• ...Green fish.
• ...Sea-Batts.
• ...Cod's-Ounds.
• ...Sea-Pikes.

Which to concoct and digest the more easily, Vinegar is Multiply'd. For the latter part of their Sacrifices they offer,

• ...Rice Milk and hasty Pudding.
• ...Butter'd Wheat and Flummery.
• ...Watergruel, and Milk-Porradge.
• ...Frumenty and Bony-claber.
• ...Stew'd Prunes, and bak'd Bullies.
• ...Pistachoes or Fistick-Nuts.
• ...Figgs.
• ...Almond-Butter.
• ...Skirret-Root.
• ...White-Pot.
• ...Raisins.
• ...Dates.
• ...Chestnuts and Wall∣nuts.
• ...Filberds.
• ...Parsenips.
• ...Artichoakes.

Perpetuity of Soaking with the whole.

'Twas none of their Fault I'll assure you, if this same God of theirs was not publickly, preciously and plentifully serv'd in his Sacrifices, better yet than Heliogabalus's Idol; nay more than Bell

and the Dragon in Babylon under King Balshazzar. Yet Gaster had the Manners to own that he was no God, but a poor, vile, wretched Creature. And as King Antigonus, first of the Name, when one Hermodotus, (as Poets will flatter, espe∣pecially Princes) in some of his Fustian dubb'd him a God, and made the Sun a∣dopt him for his Son, said to him, My Lasanophore, (or in plain English, my Groom of the Close stool) can give thee the Lye; so Master Gaster very civilly us'd to send back his Bigotted Worship∣ers to his Close-stool, to see, smell, taste, philosophise and examin what kind of Di∣vinity they could pick out of his Sir-reve∣rence.

CHAP. LXI. How Gaster invented Means to get and preserve Corn.

THose Gastrolatrous Hobgoblins be∣ing withdrawn, Pantagruel careful∣ly minded the Famous Master of Arts, Gaster. You know that by the Institution of Nature, Bread has been assign'd him for Provision and Food, and that as an

addition to this Blessing, he should never want the means to get Bread.

Accordingly, from the beginning he invented the Smith's Art and Husbandry to manure the ground that it might yield him Corn; he invented Arms, and the Art of War to defend Corn; Physick and Astronomy, with other parts of Ma∣thematicks, which might be useful to keep Corn a great number of years in safety from the injuries of the Air, Beasts, Robbers and Purloiners; he invented Wa∣ter, Wind and Hand-Mills, and a thou∣sand other Engines to grind Corn, and turn it into Meal, Leaven to make the Dough ferment, and the use of Salt to give it a savour, for he knew that no∣thing bred more Diseases than heavy, un∣leaven'd, unsavoury Bread.

He found a way to get Fire to Bake it; Hour-glasses, Dials and Clocks to mark the time of its Baking; and as some Countries wanted Corn, he contriv'd means to convey some out of one Country into another.

He had the Wit to Pimp for Asses and Mares, Animals of different species, that they might Copulate for the Generation of a third, which we call Mules, more strong and fit for hard service than the other two. He invented Carts and Wag∣gons to draw him along with greater

ease; and as Seas and Rivers hindred his Progress, he devis'd Boats, Gallies and Ships (to the astonishment of the Ele∣ments) to waft him over to barbarous, unknown, and far distant Nations, thence to bring, or thither to carry Corn.

Besides, seeing that, when he had til∣led the ground, some years the Corn pe∣rish'd in it for want of Rain in due season, in others rotted, or was drown'd by its ex∣cess, sometimes spoil'd by Hail, eat by Worms in the Ear, or beaten down by Storms, and so his Stock was destroy'd on the ground; we were told that ever since the days of Yore, he has found out a way to Conjure the Rain down from Heaven only with cutting certain Grass, common enough in the Field, yet known to very few, some of which was then shown us: I took it to be the same as the Plant, one of whose Boughs being dipp'd by Jove's Priest into the Agrian Fountain, on the Lycian Mountain in Arcadia in time of Drought, rais'd Vapours which gather'd into Clouds, and then dissolv'd into Rain, that kindly moisten'd the whole Country.

Our Master of Arts was also said to have found a way to keep the Rain up in the Air, and make it fall into the Sea; also to annihilate the Hail, suppress the Winds, and remove Storms as the Me∣thanensians

of Troezene us'd to do. And as in the Fields Thieves and Plunderers sometimes stole and took by force the Corn and Bread which others had toyl'd to get, he invented the Art of Building Towns, Forts, and Castles, to hoard and secure that staff of Life; on the other hand, finding none in the Fields, and hearing that it was hoarded up and se∣cur'd in Towns, Forts, and Castles, and watch'd with more care than ever were the Golden Pippins of the Hesperides, he turn'd Ingenier, and found ways to beat, storm, and demolish Forts and Castles, with Machines, and Warlike Thunder∣bolts, battering Rams, Balists, and Cata∣pults, whose shapes were shown us, not over-well understood by our Ingeniers, Architects, and other Disciples of Vitru∣vius, as Master Philebert de l'Orme, King Megistus's principal Architect has own'd to us.

And seeing that sometimes all these Tools of Destruction were baffled by the cunning subtilty, or the subtle, cunning (which you please) of Fortifiers, he lately Invented Cannons, Field-pieces, Culve∣rins, Bombards, Basilisko's, Murthering Instruments that dart Iron, Leaden, and Brazen Balls, some of them outweighing huge Anvils; this by the means of a most dreadful Powder, whose Hellish Com∣pound

and Effect has even amaz'd Na∣ture, and made her own her self out-done by Art; the Oxydracan Thunders, Hails and Storms, by which the people of that Name immediately destroy'd their Ene∣mies in the Field, being but meer Pot-guns to these. For, one of our great Guns when us'd, is more dreadful, more terri∣ble, more diabolical, and maims, tears, breaks, slays, mows down, sweeps away more Men, and causes a greater Conster∣nation and Destruction than a hundred Thunderbolts.

CHAP. LXII. How Gaster invented an Art to avoid being hurt or touch'd by Cannon Balls.

GAster having secur'd himself with his Corn within strong Holds, has sometimes been attack'd by Enemies, his Fortresses, by that thrice threefold curst Instrument, levell'd and destroy'd, his dearly beloved Corn and Bread snatch'd out of his Mouth, and sack'd by a Titannick Force, therefore he then sought means to preserve his Walls, Bastions, Rampiers, and Sconces from Cannon-shot,

and to hinder the Bullets from hit∣ting him, stopping them in their flight, or at least from doing him, or the Besiegers and Walls any damage; he show'd us a tryal of this, which has been since us'd by Fronton, and is now common amo••g the Pastimes and harmless Recreations of the Thelemites. I'll tell you how he went to work, and pray for the future be a lit∣tle more ready to believe what Plutarch affirms to have try'd; Suppose a Herd of Goats were all scampering as if the Devil drove 'em, do but put a bit of Eringo in∣to the Mouth of the hindmost Nanny, and they will all stop stock-still, in the time you can tell three.

Thus Gaster, having caus'd a Brass Faulkon to be charg'd, with a sufficient quantity of Gunpowder, well purg'd from its Sulphur, and curiously made up with fine Camphir, he then had a suitable Ball put into the Piece, with twenty four little pellets like Hail-shot, some round, some pearl fashion, then taking his aim, and levelling it at a Page of his, as if he would have hit him on the Breast, about sixty strides off the Piece, half way between it and the Page in a right Line, he hang'd on a Gibbet by a Rope a very large Side-rite or iron-like Stone, otherwise call'd Herculean, formerly found on Ida in Phry∣gia by one Magnes as Nicander writes,

and commonly call'd Load stone: Then he gave Fire to the Prime on the Piece's Touch-hole, which in an instant consu∣ming the Powder, the Ball and Hail-shot were with incredible violence and swiftness hurried out of the Gun at its Muzzle, that the Air might penetrate to its Chamber, where otherwise would have been a Vacuum; which Nature abhors so much that this Universal Machine, Hea∣ven, Air, Land, and Sea would sooner return to the Primitive Chaos than admit the least void any where. Now the Ball and small shot which threaten'd the Page with no less than quick Destruction, lost their impetuosity, and remain'd suspend∣ed and hovering round the Stone, nor did any one of them, notwithstanding the fu∣ry with which they rush'd, reach the Page.

Master Gaster could do more than all this yet, if you'll believe me, for he in∣vented a way how to cause Bullets to fly backwards, and recoyl on those that sent 'em, with as great a force, and in the ve∣ry numerical parallel for which the Guns were planted. And indeed, why should he have thought this difficult, seeing the Herb Ethiopis opens all Locks whatsoever, and an Echineis or Remora, a silly weak∣ly Fish, in spight of all the Winds that blow from the 32 Points of the Compass,

will in the midst of a Hurricane make you the biggest First Rate remain stock still as if she were becalm'd, or the Blu∣stering Tribe had blown their last; nay, and with the Flesh of that Fish preserv'd with Salt, you may fish Gold out of the deepest Well that was ever founded with a Plummet, for it will certainly draw up the precious Metal, since Democritus af∣firm'd it.

Theophrastus believ'd and experienc'd that there was an Herb at whose single touch an Iron Wedge tho never so far driven into a huge log of the hardest Wood that is, would presently come out, and 'tis this same Herb your Hickways, alias Woodpeckers use, when with some mighty Ax any one stops up the hole of their Nests, which they industriously dig and make in the Trunk of some sturdy Tree. Since Stags and Hinds when deeply wound∣ed with Darts, Arrows, and Bolts, if they do but meet the Herb call'd Dittany, which is common in Candia, and eat a little of it, presently the shafts come out, and all's well again; even as kind Venus cur'd her Beloved By-blow Aeneas, when he was wounded on the right Thigh with an Arrow by Juturna Turnus's Sister. Since the very Wind of Laurels, Fig-trees, or Sea-calves, makes the Thunder sheer off, insomuch that it never strikes them. Since

at the sight of a Ram, mad Elephants re∣cover their former Sences; since mad Bulls coming near wild Fig-trees call'd Caprifici grow tame, and will not budge a foot, as if they had the Cramp. Since the Vene∣mous rage of Vipers is asswag'd, if you but touch them with a Beechen Bough. Since also Euphorion writes, that in the Isle of Samos, before Juno's Temple was Built there, he has seen some Beasts call'd Neades, whose voice made the neighbour∣ing places gape and sink into a Chasm and Abyss. In short, since Elders grow of a more pleasing sound, and fitter to make Flutes in such places where the crowing of Cocks is not heard, as the Ancient Sages have writ, and Theophrastus relates; as if the crowing of a Cock dull'd, flatten'd and perverted the Wood of the Elder, as it is said to astonish and stupify with fear that strong and resolute Animal, a Lion.

I know that some have understood this of wild Elder, that grows so far from Towns or Villages that the crowing of Cocks cannot reach near it; and doubt∣less that sort ought to be preferr'd to the stenching common Elder that grows about decay'd and ruin'd places; but others have understood this in a higher sence, not litteral, but allegorical, according to the method of the Pythagoreans. As when it was said that Mercury's Statue

could not be made of every sort of Wood, to which Sentence they give this sence; That God is not to be worship'd in a vulgar form, but in a chosen and religious man∣ner.

In the same manner by this Elder, which grows far from places where Cocks are heard, the Ancients meant, that the wise and studious ought not to give their minds to trivial or vulgar Musick, but to that which is Celestial, Divine, Angelical, more abstracted and brought from re∣moter parts, that is from a Region where the crowing of Cocks is not heard; for, to denote a solitary and unfrequented place, we say, Cocks are never heard to crow there.

CHAP. LXIII. How Pantagruel fell asleep near the Island of Chaneph, and of the Pro∣blems propos'd to be solv'd when he wak'd.

THE next day merrily pursuing our Voyage we came in sight of the Island of Chan••ph, where Pantagruel's Ship could not arrive, the Wind chop∣ping about, and then failing us so that we

were becalm'd, and could hardly get o' head, tacking about from Starboard to La••board, and from Latboard to Star∣board, tho to our Sails we had added Drablers.

With this accident we were all out of sorts, moping, drooping, metagrabolized as dull as Dun in the Mire, in Csol fa ut flat out of Tune, off the hinges, and I don't know howish, without caring to speak one single syllable to each other.

Pantagruel was taking a Nap, slumber∣ing and nodding on the Quarter-deck, by the Cuddy, with an Heliodorus in his hand, for still 'twas his custom to sleep better by Book than by Heart.

Epistemon was Conjuring with his Astro∣labe to know what Latitude we were in.

Fryar Ihon was got into the Cook-room examining by the Ascendant of the Spits, and the Horoscope of Ragousts and Fri∣cassees what time o' day it might then be.

Panurge (sweet Baby!) held a stalk of Pantagruelion, alias Hemp, next his Tongue, and with it made pretty Bubbles and Bladders.

Gymnast was making Tooth-pickers with Lentisk.

Ponocrates, dozing, doz'd, and dream∣ing dream'd, tickled himself to make him∣self laugh, and with one Finger scratch'd his Noddle where it did not itch.

Carpalim with a Nut-shell, and a Tren∣cher of Verne, [that's a Card in Gascony] was making a pretty little merry Wind∣mill, cutting the Card long-ways into four slips, and fastning them with a Pin to the Convex of the Nut, and its Concave to the tarr'd side of the Gunnel of the Ship.

Eusthenes bestriding one of the Guns, was playing on it with his Fingers, as if it had been a Trump-marine.

Rhizotome with the soft Coat of a Field-Tortoise, alias eclip'd a Mole, was mak∣ing himself a Velvet Purse.

Xenomanes was patching up an old wea∣ther-beaten Lantern with a Hawk's Jesses.

Our Pilot (good Man!) was pulling Maggots out of the Seamen's Noses.

At last Fryar Ihon returning from the Fore-castle, perceiv'd that Pantagruel was awake. Then breaking this obstinate si∣lence, he briskly and cheerfully ask'd him, how a Man should kill Time, and raise good Weather, during a Calm at Sea?

Panurge, whose Belly thought his Throat cut, back'd the Motion presently, and ask'd for a Pill to purge Melan∣choly?

Epistemon also came on, and ask'd how a Man might be ready to bepiss himself with Laughing, when he has no heart to be merry?

Gymnast arising, demanded a Remedy for a dimness of Eyes?

Ponocrates, after he had a while rub'd his Noddle, and shak'd his Ears, ask'd, How one might avoid Dog-sleep? Hold, cry'd Pantagruel, the Peripateticks have wisely made a Rule, that all Problems, Questions and Doubts which are offer'd to be solv'd, ought to be certain, clear, and intelligible; what do you mean by Dog-sleep? I mean, answer'd Ponocrates, to sleep fasting in the Sun at Noon-day, as the Dogs do.

Rhizotome, who lay stooping on the Pump, rais'd his drowsy Head, and lazi∣ly yawning, by natural sympathy, set almost every one in the Ship a yawning too; then ask'd for a Remedy against Oscitations and Gapings?

Xenomanes, half puzzled, and tir'd out with new vamping his antiquated Lan∣tern, ask'd, How the Hold of the Sto∣mach might be so well ballasted and freighted from the Keel to the Main hatch with stores well stowed, that our humane Vessels might not heeld, or be walt, but well trimm'd, and stiff?

Carpalim twirling his diminutive Wind∣mill, ask'd how many Motions are to be felt in Nature before a Gentleman may be said to be hungry?

Eusthenes hearing them talk, came from between Decks, and from the Cap∣stern call'd out to know why a Man that's

fasting, bit by a Serpent also fasting, is in greater danger of death, than when Man and Serpent have eat their Breakfasts? Why a Man's fasting-spittle is poysonous to Serpents and venemous Creatures?

One single solution may serve for all your Problems, Gentlemen, answer'd Pantagruel, and one single Medicine for all such symptoms and accidents. My answer shall be short, not to the you with a long needless train of pedantick Cant: The Belly has no Ears, nor is it to be fill'd with fair words; you shall be an∣swer'd to content by signs and gestures. As formerly at Rome Tarquin the Proud, its last King, sent an answer by signs to his Son Sextus, who was among the Gabii, (saying this, he pull'd the string of a lit∣tle Bell, and Fryar Ihon hurried away to the Cock-room) The Son having sent his Father a Messenger to know how he might bring the Gabii under a close sub∣jection; the King mistrusting the Messen∣ger, made him no answer, and only took him into his Privy-garden, and in his presence with his Sword lopt off the Heads o•• the tall Poppies that were there. The Express return'd without any other dis∣patch, yet having related to the Prince what he had seen his Father do, he easi∣ly understood that by those signs he ad∣vis'd him to cut off the Heads of the chief

Men in the Town, the better to keep un∣der the rest of the people.

CHAP. LXIV. How Pantagruel gave no answer to the Problems.

PAntagruel then ask'd, what sorts of people dwell'd in that Damn'd Island? They are, answer'd Xenomanes, all Hypocrites, holy Mountebanks, Tum∣blers of Beads, Mumblers of Ave Maries, spiritual Comedians, sham Saints, Her∣mits, all of them poor Rogues, who like the Hermit of Lormont between Blaye and Bordeaux, live wholly on Alms given them by Passengers. Catch me there if you can, cry'd Panurge, may the Devil's Head-cook conjure my Bum-gut into a pair of Bellows, if ever you find me a∣mong them. Hermits, sham Saints, living Forms of Mortification, holy Mounte∣banks, avaunt, in the Name of your Fa∣ther Sathan get out of my sight; when the Devil's a Hog you shall eat Bacon. I shall not forget yet a while our fat Con∣cilipetes of Chesil; O that Beelzebub and Astaroth had counsell'd them to hang themselves out of the way, and they had

do••e't, we had not then suffer'd so much by devilish Storms as we did for having seen 'em. Harkee me, dear Rogue, Xe∣nomanes, my Friend, I pr'y thee are these He••••••i••s, Hypocrites, and Eves-droppers, Maids ••r Married? Is there any thing of the Feminine Gender among them? Could a Body Hypocritically take there a small hypocritical Touch? Will they lye backwards, and let out their fore∣rooms? There's a fine question to be ask'd, cry'd Pantagruel! Yes, yes, an∣swer'd Xenomanes, you may find there many goodly Hypocritesses, ••olly spiri∣tual Actresses, kind Hermitesses, Wo∣men that have a plaguy deal of Religion; then there's the Copies of 'em, little Hy∣pocritillons, Sham-sanctitos, and Hermi∣tillons: Foh, away with them, cry'd Fryar Ihon, a young Saint an old Devil, (mark this, an old saying, and as true a one, as a young Whore an old Saint. Were there not such, continu'd Xenomanes, the Isle of Caneph for want of a multiplication of Progeny, had long ere this been desert and desolate.

Pantagruel sent them by Gymnast in the Pinnace seventy eight thousand fine pretty little Gold Half-Crowns, of those that are mark'd with a Lantern. After this he ask'd, What's o' Clock? Past nine, answer'd Epistemon. 'Tis then the

best time to go to Dinner, said Panta∣gruel, for the sacred Line so celebrated by Aristophanes in his Play call'd Concionato∣res is at hand, never failing when the sha∣dow is decempedal.

Formerly among the Persians Dinner time was at a set hour only for Kings; as for all others, their Appetite and their Belly was their Clock; when that chim'd, they thought it time to go to Dinner. So we find in Pla••tus a certain Parasite mak∣ing a heavy do, and sadly railing at the Inventors of Hour-glasses and Dials, as being unnecessary things, there being no Clock more regular than the Belly.

Diogenes being ask'd at what times a Man ought to eat, answer'd, The Rich when he is hungry, the Poor when he has any thing to eat. Physi••ians more pro∣perly say, that the Canonical Hours are,

To rise at five, to dine at nine, To sup at five, to sleep at nine.

The famous King Petorsi••i••'s Magick was different— here the Officers for the Gut came in, and got ready the Tables and Cupboards, laid the Cloth, whose sight and pleasant smell were very com∣fortable; and brought Plates, Napkins, Salts, Tankards, Flaggons, Tall-boys,

Ewers, Tumblers, Cups, Goblets, Ba∣sons, and Cisterns.

Friar Ihon at the head of the Stewards, Sewe••s, Yeomen of the Pantry, and of the Mouth, Tasters, Carvers, Cup-bearers, and Cupboard-keepers, brought four stately Pasties, so huge that they put me in mind of the four Bastions at Turin; ••ods fish, how manfully did they storm them! What havock did they make with the long train of Dishes that came after them, how bravely did they stand to their Pan puddings, and pay'd off their Dust? How merrily did they soak their Noses!

The Fruit was not yet brought in, when a fresh gale at West and by North began to fill the Main-course, Misen-sail, Fore-sail, Tops, and Top-gallants; for which Blessing they all sung divers Hymns of Thanks and Praise.

When the Fruit was on the Table, Pantagruel ask'd. Now tell me, Gentle∣men, a••e your Doubts fully resolv'd or no? I gape and yawn no more, answer'd Rhizotome; I sleep no longer like a Dog, said Ponocrates; I have clear'd my Eye∣sight, said Gymnast; I have broke my Fast, said Eusthenes; so that for this whole Day shall be secure from the dan∣ger of my Spittle

• ... Aspes.
• ... Amphisbenes.
• ... Anerudutes.
• ... Abedissimons.
• ... Alhatrafs.
• ... Ammobates.
• ... Apimaos.
• ... Alhatabans.
• ... A••actes.
• ... Asterions.
• ... Alcharates.
• ... Arges.
• ... Spiders.
• ... Starry Lizards.
• ... Attelabes.
• ... A••calabotes.
• ... Haemorrhoids.
• ... Basilisk••.
• ... Fitches.
• ... Sucking Water-snakes
• ... Black Wag leg-flies.
• ... Spanish flies.
• ... Catoblepes.
• ... Horn'd Snakes.
• ... Caterpillars.
• ... Crocodiles.
• ... Toads.
• ... Night-mares.
• ... Mad Dogs.
• ... Colotes.
• ... Cychriodes.
• ... Cafezates.
• ... Ca••hares.
• ... Snakes.
• ... Cuhersks, two Tongu'd Adders.
• ... Amphibious Serpents.
• ... Cenchres.
• ... Cock••trices.
• ... Dip••ades.
• ... Domeses.
• ... D••••inades.
• ... Dragons.
• ... Elopes.
• ... Enbyd••••des.
• ... Falvises.
• ... Galeotes.
• ... Harmenes.
• ... Handons.
• ... Icles.
• ... Jarraries.
• ... Illcines.
• ... Pharao's M••ce.
• ... Kedusudures.
• ... Sea-hares.
• ... Chalcidic Ne••••s.
• ... Footed Serpents.
• ... Manticores.
• ... Mulures.
• ... Mouse-serpents.
• ... Shrew mice.
• ... Milia••es.
• ...

• ...Megalaunes.
• ...Spitting Asps.
• ...Porphyri.
• ...Parcades.
• ...Phalangs.
• ...Pemphredons.
• ...Pine-tree-worms.
• ...Rutelae
• ...Worms.
• ...Rhagia.
• ...Rhaganes.
• ...Salamanders.
• ...Sloe-worms.
• ...Stellions.
• ...Scorpones.
• ...Scorpions.
• ...Horn worm••.
• ...Scalavotins.
• ...Solofruidars.
• ...Deaf-Asps.
• ...Horse Leeches.
• ...Salt haters.
• ...Rot Serpents.
• ...Stink fish.
• ...Stuphes.
• ...Sabrins.
• ...Blood-sucking-flies.
• ...Hornfretters.
• ...Scolopendres.
• ...Tarantolas.
• ...Blind-worms.
• ...Tetragnathias.
• ...Teristals.
• Vipers, &c.

CHAP. LXV. How Pantagruel past the Time with his Servants.

IN what Hierarchy of such Venemous Creatures do you place Panurge's fu∣ture Spouse, ask'd Friar Jhon? Art thou speaking ill of Women, cry'd Panurge, thou mangy Sco••ndrel, thou sorry, nod∣•••• ••peak'd, shaveling M••••••? By the Ce∣nomanic

Paunch and Gixie, said Epistemon, Euripides has written, and makes An∣dromache say it, that by Industry, and the help of the Gods, Men had found Remedies against all poisonous Crea∣tures; but none was yet found against a bad Wife.

This flaunting Euripides, cry'd Panurge, was gabbling against Women every foot, and therefore was devour'd by Dogs, as a Judgment from Above; as Aristopha∣nes observes—Let's go on, let him speak that's next. I can leak now like any Stone-horse, said then Epistemon. I am, said Xenomanes, full as an Egg and round as a Hoop; my Ship's Hold can hold no more, and will n••w make 〈◊〉〈◊〉 to bear a steddy Sail. Said Carpa••••n, A Truce with Thirst, a Truce with Hunger; They're strong, but Wine and Meat are stronger. I'm no more in the Dump, cry'd Panurge, my Heart's a Pound lighter. I'm in the right ••••e now, as brisk as a Body-Louse, and as merry as a Beggar. For my part, I know what I do when I drink; and 'tis a true thing (though 'tis in your Euripide••) that is said by that jolly Toper Silenus of blessed Memory, that

The Man's emphatically Mad, Who drinks the Best, yet can be sa••.

We must not fail to return our hum∣ble and hearty Thanks to the Being, who, with this good Bread, this cool delicious Wine, these good Meats and ra••e Dainties, removes from our Bodies and Minds these Pains and Perturba∣ti••ns, and at the same Time, fills us with Pleasure and with Food.

But methinks, Sir, you did not give an Answer to Friar Jhon's Question; which, as I take it, was, how to raise good Weather? Since you ask no more than this easie Question, answer'd Pan∣tagruel, I'll strive to give you satisfaction, and some other time we'll talk of the rest of the Problems, if you will.

Well then, Friar Jhon ask'd how good Weather might be rais'd: have we not rais'd it? Look up, and see our full Top-sails; Ha••k! how the Wind whistles through the Shrouds, what a stiff Gale it blows; observe the Rattling of the Tacklings, and see the Sheats, that fasten the Main sail b••hind; the force of the Wind puts them upon the stretch. While we pass'd our time merrily, the d••ll Weather also pass'd away, and while we rais'd the Glasses to our Mouths, we also rais'd the Wind by a secret sym∣pathy in Nature.

Thus Atlas and Hercules Clubb'd to raise and under•• the ••••lling Sky, if

you'll believe the wise Mythologists; but they rais'd it some half an inch too high; Atlas to entertain his Guest Hercules more pleasant∣ly, and Hercu••es to make himself amends for the thirst which sometime before had tor∣mented him in the Deserts of Africa.— Your good Father, said Fryar Jhon, inter∣rupting him, takes care to free many People from such an inconveniency; for I have been told by many venerable Doctors, that his chief Butler Turelupin saves above eighteen hundred Pipes of Wine yearly, to make Servants and all comers and goers drink be∣fore they are a dry.— As the Camels and Dromedaries of a Caravan, continued Panta∣gruel, use to drink for the thirst that's past, for the present, and for that to come, so did Hercules; and being thus excessively rais'd, this gave a new motion to the Sky, which is that of Titubation and Tr••pidation, about which our crack-brain'd Astrologers make such a pother.— This, said Panurge, makes the saying good.

While jolly Companions ca••r••use it together, A fig for the Storm; it gives way to good Weather.

Nay, continued Pantagruel, some will tell you, that we have not only shortned the time of the Calm, but also much disburthen'd the Ship, not like Aesop's Basket, by easing it of the Provision, but by breaking our

Fasts, and that a Man is more Terrestrial and heavy when fasting, than when he has eaten and drank, even as they pretend that he weighs more dead than living. However 'tis, you'll grant they are in the right, who take their Mornings draught, and Break∣fast before a long Journey, then say that the Horses will perform the better, and that a Spur in the Head, is worth two in the Flank; or in the same Horse Dialect,

That a Cup in the Pats Is a Mile in the Gate.

Don't you know that formerly the Amycleans worshiped the Noble Father Bacchus above all other Gods, and gave him the Name of Psila, which in the Dorick Dialect signifies Wings; for as the Birds raise themselves by a towering flight with their Wings above the Clouds; so with the help of Soaring Bacchus, the powerful juice of the Grape, our Spirits are exalted to a pitch above themselves, our Bodies are more sprightly, and their Earthy parts become soft and plyant.

CHAP. LXVI. How by Pantagruel's Order the Muses were saluted near the Isle of Gana∣bim.

THis fair wind and as fine talk brought us in sight of a high Land, which Pantagruel discovering afar off, shew'd it Xe∣nomanes, and ask'd him, do you see yonder to the Leeward a high Rock with two tops much like Mount Parnassus in Phocis? I do plainly, answer'd Xenomanes, 'tis the Isle of Ganabim; have you a mind to go ashoar there? No, return'd Pantagruel. You do well indeed, said Xenomanes, for there is no∣thing worth seeing in the place. The People are all Thieves; yet there is the finest Foun∣tain in the World, and a very large Forest towards the right top of the Mountain. Your Fleet may take in Wood and Water there.

He that spoke last spoke well, quoth Pa∣nurge, let us not by any means be so m••d as to go among a parcel of Thieves and Shar∣pers. You may take my word 〈◊〉〈◊〉, this place is just such another, as, to my know∣ledge, formerly were the Islands of Sark and Herm between the smaller and the greater Britain; such as were the P••neropolis of Philip in Thrace; Islands of Thieves, Banditti, Pi∣caroons, Robbers, Russians, and Murtherers,

worse than Raw head and Bloody-bones, and full as honest as the Senior Fellows of the College of Iniquity, the very out-casts of the County-Goal's Common-side. As you love your self, do not go among 'em; if you go, you'll come off but bluely, if you come off at all. If you will not believe me, at least believe what the good and wise Xenomanes tells you: For may I never stir if they are not worse than the very Canibals, they would certainly eat us alive. Do not go among 'em, I pray you, 'twere safer to take a Journey to Hell. Hark, by Cod's Body, I hear 'em ringing the Al∣larm-Bellmost dreadfully, as the Gascons about Bourdeaux us'd formerly to do against the Commissaries and Officers for the Tax on Salt, or my ears tingle. Let's shear off.

Believe me, Sir, said Fryar Jhon, let's ra∣ther land, we'll rid the World of that Ver∣min, and inn there for nothing. Old Nick go with thee for me, quoth Panurge. This rash hair-brain'd Devil of a Fryar fears nothing, but ventures and runs on like a mad Devil as he is, and cares not a Rush what becomes of others; as if every one was a Monk like his Fryarship; a pox on grinning Honour, say I. Go to, return'd the Fryar, thou man∣gy Noddy-peak! thou forlorn druggle-head∣ed Sneaksby! and may a million of black Devils Anatomise thy Cockle Brain. The Hen-hearted Rascal is so cowardly, that he berays himself for fear every day. If thou

art so afraid, Dunghill, don't go, stay here and be hang'd, or go and hide thy Logger-head under Madam Proserpine's Petticoat.

Panurge hearing this, his Breech began to make Buttons, so he slunk in in an instant, and went to hide his Head down in the Bread-room among the musty Bi••ctuis, and the Orts, and scraps of broken Bread.

Pantagruel in the mean time said to the rest, I feel a pressing retraction in my Soul, which like a Voice admonishes me not to land there. Whenever I have felt such a motion within me, I have found my self hap∣py in avoiding what it directed me to shun, or in undertaking what it prompted me to do, and I never had occasion to repent following its Dictates.

As much, said Epistemon, is related of the Daemon of Socrates, so celebrated among the Academics. Well then, Sir, said Fryar Jhon, while the Ship's Crew water, have you a mind to have good sport? Panurge is got down somewhere in the Hold, where he is crept into some corner and lurks like a Mo••••••e in a Cranny; let 'em give the word for the Gunner to fire yon Gun over the Round-house on the Poop; this will serve to salute the Muses of this Antiparnassus; besides, the Powder does but decay in it. You are i'th' right, said Pantagruel; here, give the word for the Gunner.

The Gunner immediately came, and was order'd by Pantagruel to fire that Gun, and then

charge it with fresh Powder, which was soon done; the Gunners of the other Ships, Fri∣gats, Gallions, and Gallies of the Fleet hear∣ing us ••i••e, gave every one a Gun to the Island; which made such a horrid noise, that you'd have sworn Heav'n had been tumbling about our Ears.

CHAP. LXVII. How Panurge beray'd himself for fear, and of the huge Cat Rodilardus, which he took for a puny Devil.

PAnurge like a wild addle-pated giddy Goat, sal••ies out of the Bread Room in his Shirt, with nothing else about him but one of his Stockins, half on half off, about his Heel, like a rough-footed Pigeon, his Hair and Beard all be powdered with Crums of Bread, in which he had been over Head and Ears, and a huge and mighty Pusse part∣ly wrapt up in his other Stockin. In this Equipage, his Chops moving like a Monkey's who's a Louse-hunting, his Eyes staring like a dead Pig's, his Teeth chattering, and his Bum quivering, the poor Dog fled to Fryar Jhon, who was then sitting by the Chain-Wales of the Starboard-side of the Ship, and pray'd him heartily to take pity on him, and keep

him in the safeguard of his trusty Bilbo, swearing by his share of Papimany, that he had seen all Hell broke loose.

Woe's me, my Jackee (cry'd he) my dear Johny, my old Crony, my Brother, my Ghost∣ly Father, all the Devils keep Holy-day, all the Devils keep their Feast to day, Man; Pork and Pease choak me, if ever thou sawest such preparations in thy life for an In∣fernal Feast. Dost thou see the smoke of Hell's Kitchins? (This he said shewing him the smoak of the Gun-powder above the Ships) thou never sawest so many damn'd Souls since thou wast born; and so fair, so bewitching they seem, that one would swear they are Stygi∣an Ambrosia. I thought at first, (God for∣give me) they had been English Souls, and I don't know but that this morning, the Isle of Horses near Scotland was sack'd with all the English who had surpris'd it, by the Lords of Termes and Essay.

Fryar Jhon, at the approach of Panurge, was entertain'd with a kind of smell that was not like that of Gun-powder, nor altoge∣ther so sweet as Musk; which made him turn Panurge about, and then he saw that his Shirt was dismally bepah'd, and beray'd with fresh Sir-reverence. The retentive faculty of the Nerve which restrains the Muscle call'd Sphin∣cter ('tis the Arse-hole an't please you) was relaxated by the violence of the fear which he had been in during his fantastic Visions.

Add to this the thundering noise of the shoot∣ing, which seems more dreadful between Decks than above. Nor ought you to won∣der at such a mishap, for one of the Symp∣toms and Accidents of fear is, that it often opens the wicket of the Cupboard wherein second-head-meat is kept for a time. Let's illustrate this noble Theme with some Exam∣ples.

Messer Pantolfe de la Cassina of Siena, riding Post from Rome, came to Chamberry, and a∣lighting at honest Vinet's▪ took one of the Pitch-forks in the Stable, then turning to the Inn-keeper, said to him, Da Roma in qua io non son andato del Corpo. Di gratia piglia in mano questa forcha, & fa mi paura. I have not had a Stool since I left Rome, I pray thee take this Pitch fork and fright me. Vinet took it, and made several offers, as if he would in good earnest have hit the Signor; but all in vain, so the Sienese said to him, Si tu non fai altra∣mente, tu non fai nulla: Pero sforzati di ad ope∣rarli piu guagliardamente; If thou dost not go another way to work, thou hadst as good do nothing; therefore try to bestir thy self more briskly. With this, Vinet lent him such a swinging stoater with the Pitch-fork sowce be∣twen the Neck and the Collar of his Jerkin, that down fell Signore on the ground Arsy∣versy with his spindle shanks wide straggling over his Pole. Then mine Host sputtering, with a full-mouth'd laugh, said to his Guest,

by Belzebub's Bum-gut, much good may do you, Signore Italiano take notice this is Da∣tum Camberiaci, given at Chamberry. 'Twas well the Sienese had untruss'd his Points and let down his Drawers; for this Physick work'd with him as soon as he took it, and as copious was the evacuation, as that of nine Buff••loes and fourteen missificating Arch-lub∣bers. Which Operation being over, the mannerly Sienese courteously gave mine Host a whole bushel of thanks, saying to him, Io ti ringratio, bel messere; cosi faciendo tu m•• ai esparagnata la speza d'un Servitiale. I thank thee good Landlord, by this thou hast 'een sav'd me the expence of a Clyster.

I'll give you another Example of Edward the Fifth King of England. Master Francis Villon being banish'd France, fled to him, and got so far into his Favour as to be Privy to all his Houshold Affairs. One day the King being on his Close stool show'd Villon the Arms of France, and said to him, dost thou see what respect I have for thy French Kings? I have none of their Arms any where but in this Back-side near my Close-stool. O••'s Life, said the Buffoon, how Wise, Prudent and care∣ful of your Health, your Highness is! How carefully your Learned Doctor Thomas Lina∣cer looks after you! He saw that, now you grow old, you are inclin'd to be somewhat Costive, and every day were fain to have an Apothecary, I mean a Suppository or

Clyster thrust into Royal Nockandro, so he has, much to the purpose, induc'd you to place here the Arms of France; for the very sight of them puts you into such a dreadful Fright, that you immediately let fly, as much as would come from Eighteen squattering Bona∣si of Peonia: and if they were painted in o∣ther Parts of your house, by Jingo, you would presently conskite your self wherever you saw them: Nay, had you but here a Picture of the great Oriflamb of France, Ods-bodikins, your Tripes and Bowels would be in no small Danger of dropping out at the Orifice of your Posteriors.— But henh, henh, atque iterum henh.

A silly Cockney am I not? As ever did from Paris come; And with a Rope and sliding knot My Neck shall know what weighs my Bum.

A Cockney of short reach, I say, shallow of Judgment, and judging shallowly to wonder, that you should cause your Points to be un∣trussed in your Chamber before you came into this Closet; by'r Lady at first I thought your Close-stool had stood behind the Hang∣ings, or your Bed, otherwise it seem'd very odd to me you should untruss so far from the place of Evacuation. But now I find I was a Gull, a Wittal, a Woodcock, a meer Ninny, a Jolt-••••••d▪ a Noddy, a Changeling, a Calf∣lo•• 〈◊〉〈◊〉 ••oddipole. You do wisely, by the

Mass, you do wisely; for had not you been ready to clap your hind Face on the Mu∣stard-Pot as soon as you came within sight of these Arms, mark ye me, Cop's Body, the bottom of your Breeches had supply'd the Office of a Close-stool.

Fryar Ihon stopping the handle of his Face with his Left hand, did, with the Fore∣finger of the Right, point out Panurge's shirt to Pantagruel; who, seeing him in this Pickle, scar'd, appall'd, shivering, raving, staring, be∣ray'd, and torn with the Claws of the famous Cat Rodilardus, could not chuse but Laugh, and said to him, Pry'thee what wouldst thou do with this Cat? With this Cat, quoth Pa∣nurge, the Devil scratch me, if I did not think it had been a young Soft-chin'd Devil, which, with this same Stockin instead of Mittain, I had snatch'd up in the great Hutch of Hell, as Thievishly as any Sizar of Montague Colledge could ha' done. The Devil take Tybert, I feel it has all bepink'd my poor hide, and drawn on it to the Life I don't know how many Lobster's Whiskers: with this he threw his Boar-Cat down.

Go, go, said Pantagruel, be bath'd and clean'd, calm your Fears, put on a clean Shirt, and then your Cloaths? What! do you think I am afraid, cry'd Panurge? Not I, I protest; by the Testic••es of Hercules, I am more hear∣ty and stout, tho' I say it that should not, than if I had ••••all••wed as many Flyes as are

put into plumb Cakes, and other Paste at Paris, from Midsummer to Christmas.— But what's this? hah! oh, ho, how the Devil came I by this? Do you call this what the Cat left in the Malt, Filth, Durt, Dung, Dejection, soecal Matter, Excrement, Stercoration, Sir-reverence, Ordure, Second-hand-meat, Few∣mets, Stronts, Scybal or Syparathe? 'Tis Hybernian Saffron, I protest, Hah, hah, hah, 'tis Irish Saffron by Shaint Pawtrick, And so much for this time. Selah, Let's drink.

FINIS.

Notes

• * 3.1

  a Monks double Pouch.