The works of F. Rabelais, M.D., or, The lives, heroic deeds and sayings of Gargantua and Pantagruel with a large account of the life and works of the author, particularly an explanation of the most difficult passages in them never before publish'd in any language / done out of French by Sir Tho. Urchard, Kt., and others.

The Third Book of the Heroick Deeds and Sayings of the good Pantagruel. (Book 3)

The AUTHOR's Prologue.

GOOD People, most Illustrious Drinkers, and you thrice preci∣ous gouty Gentlemen. Did you ever see Diogenes the Cynick Philosopher, if

you have seen him, you then had your Eyes in your Head, or I am very much out of my Understanding and Logical Sense. It is a gallant thing to see the clearness of (Wine, Gold) the Sun. I'll be judged by the blind born so renowned in the Sacred Scriptures; who having at his choice to ask whatever he would from him who is Almighty, and whose Word in an Instant is effectually performed, asked nothing else but that he might see. Item you are not young, which is a com∣petent Quality for you to Philosophat more than Physically in Wine (not in vain) and henceforwards to be of the Bacchick Council; to the end that opining there, you may give your Opinion faithfully of the Substance, Colour, excellent Odour, E∣minency, Propriety, Faculty, Vertue, and effectual Dignity of the said blessed and desired Liquor.

If you have not seen him (as I am ea∣sily induced to believe that you have not) at least you have heard some talk of him. For through the Air, and the whole ex∣tent of this Hemisphere of the Heavens hath his Report and Fame, even until this present time, remained very memo∣rable and renowned. Then all of you are derived from the Phrygian Blood (if I be not deceived) if you have not so ma∣ny

Crowns as Midas had, yet have you something (I know not what) of him, which the Persians of old esteemed more of in all their Otacusts, and which was more desired by the Emperor Antonine; and gave occasion thereafter to the Basi∣lisco at Rohan to be Surnamed Goodly ears. If you have not heard of him, I will pre∣sently tell you a Story to make your Wine relish: Drink then, so, to the pur∣pose; hearken now whilst I give you no∣tice (to the end that you may not like Infidels be by your simplicity abused) that in his time he was a rare Philosopher, and the chearfullest of a thousand: If he had some Imperfection, so have you, so have we; for there is nothing (but God) that is perfect: Yet so it was, that by Alex∣ander the Great (although he had Aristotle for his Instructor and Domestick) was he held in such Estimation, that he wish'd if he had not been Alexander to have been Diogenes the Sinopian.

When Philip King of Macedon enter∣prised the Siege and Ruine of Corinth, the Corinthians having received certain Intel∣ligence by their Spies, that he with a nu∣merous Army in Battel Rank was coming against them, were all of them (not without cause) most terribly afraid; and therefore were not neglective of their

Duty, in doing their best Endeavours to put themselves in a fit posture to resist his Hostile Approach, and defend their own City.

Some from the Fields brought into the Fortify'd Places their Moveables, Bestial, Corn, Wine, Fruit, Victuals, and other necessary Provision.

Others did fortify and rampire their Walls, set up little Fortresses, Bastions, squared Ravelins, digged Trenches, clean∣sed Countermines, fenced themselves with Gabions, contrived Platforms, emptied Casemates, barricado'd the false Brayes, e∣rected the Cavalliers, repaired the Contre∣scarfes, plaister'd the Courtines, lengthned Ravelins, stopped Parapets, mortaised Bar∣bacans, assured the Port-culleys, fastned the Herses, Sarasinesks and Cataracks, placed their Centries, and doubled their Pa∣trouille.

Every one did watch and ward, and not one was exempted from carrying the Basket.

Some polish'd Corselets, varnished Backs and Breasts, clean'd the Head-pieces, Mail-Coats, Brigandins, Salads, Helmets, Mur∣rions, Jacks, Gushets, Gorgets, Hoguines, Brassars, and Cuissars, Corseletts, Hauber∣geons, Shields, Bucklers, Targuets, Greves, Gantlets and Spurs.

Others made ready Bows, Slings, Cross∣bows, Pellets, Catapults, Migrames or Fire∣balls, Firebrands, Balists, Scorpions, and other such Warlike Engines, expugnatorie, and destructive to the Hellepolists.

They sharpned and prepared Spears, Staves, Pikes, Brown••Bills, Halberts, Long Hooks, Lances, Zagages, Quarterstaves, Eelspears, Partisans, Troutstaves, Clubs, Battle-axes, Maces, Darts, Dartlets, Glaves, Javelins, Javelots, and Trunchions.

They set Edges upon Cimeters, Cut∣lasses, Badelans, Back-swords, Tucks, Ra∣piers, Bayonets, Arrow-heads, Dags, Dag∣gers, Mandousians, Poigniards, Whinyards, Knives, Skenes, Sables, Chipping Knives, and Raillons.

Every Man exercis'd his Weapon, eve∣ry Man scowred off the Rust from his natural Hanger: Nor was there a Wo∣man amongst them (tho' never so reserv'd or old) who made not her Harnish to be well furbished; as you know the Corinthian Women of old were reputed very coura∣gious Combatants.

Diogenes seeing them all so warm at work, and himself not employed by the Magistrates in any business whatsoever, he did very seriously (for many days to∣gether, without speaking one Word) con∣sider,

and contemplate the Countenance of his Fellow-Citizens.

Then on a sudden, as if he had been roused up and inspired by a Martial Spi∣rit, he girded his Cloak, scarf-ways, a∣bout his Left Arm, tucked up his Sleeves to the Elbow, trussed himself like a Clown gathering Apples, and giving to one of his old Acquaintance his Wallet, Books, and Opistrographs, away went he out of Town towards a little Hill or Promonto∣ry of Corinth called Cranie; and there on the Strand, a pretty level place, did he roul his Jolly Tub, which serv'd him for an House to shelter him from the Injuries of the Weather: There, I say, in a great Vehemency of Spirit, did he turn it, veer it, wheel it, whirl it, frisk it, jumble it, shuffle it, huddle it, tumble it, hurry it, joult it, justle it, overthrow it, evert it, invert it, subvert it, overturn it, beat it, thwack it, bump it, batter it, knock it, thrust it, push it, jert it, shock it, shake it, toss it, throw it, overthrow it up-side down, topsiturvy, arsiturvy, tread it, trample it, stamp it, tap it, ting it, ring it, tingle it, towl it, sound it, resound it, stop it, shut it, unbung it, close it, unstopple it. And then again in a mighty bustle he bandy'd it, slubber'd it, hack'd it, whitled it, way'd it, darted it, hurled it, stagger'd

it, reel'd it, swing'd it, brangled it, totter'd it, lifted it, heaved it, transformed it, transfigur'd it, transpos'd it, transplaced it, reared it, raised it, hoised it, washed it, dighted it, cleansed it, rinced it, nailed it, setled it, fastned it, shackled it, fetter'd it, level'd it, block'd it, tugg'd it, tew'd it, carry'd it, bedash'd it, beray'd it, parch'd it, mounted it, broach'd it, nick'd it, notch'd it, bespatter'd it, deck'd it, a∣dorn'd it, trimmed it, garnished it, ga∣ged it, furnish'd it, boar'd it, pierc'd it, trap'd it, rumbled it, slid it down the Hill, and precipitated it from the very height of the Cranie; then from the foot to the top (like another Sisyphus with his Stone) bore it up again, and every way so bang'd it and belabour'd it, that it was ten thousand to one he had not struck the bottom of it out.

Which when one of his Friends had seen, and asked him why he did so toil his Body, perplex his Spirit, and torment his Tub? The Philosopher's Answer was, That not being employed in any other Charge by the Republick, he thought it expedient to thunder and storm it so tempestuously upon his Tub, that amongst a People so fervently busie, and earnest at work, he alone might not seem a loytering Slug

and lasie Fellow. To the same purpose may I say of my self,

Tho I be rid from Fear, I am not void of Care.

For perceiving no Account to be made of me towards the Discharge of a Trust of any great Concernment, and conside∣ring that through all the parts of this most noble Kingdom of France, both on this and on the other side of the Mountains, every one is most diligently exercised and busied; some in the fortifying of their own Native Country, for its Defence; others, in the repulsing of their Enemies by an Offensive War; and all this with a Policy so excellent, and such admirable Order, so manifestly profitable for the fu∣ture, whereby France shall have its Fron∣tiers most magnifically enlarged▪ and the Frenches assured of a long and well-grounded Peace, that very little▪ with∣holds me from the Opinion of good He∣raclitus, which affirmeth War to be the Fa∣ther of all good things; and therefore do I believe that War is in Latin called Bellum, not by Antiphrasis, as some Patchers of old rusty Latin would have us to think; be∣cause in War there is little Beauty to be seen, but absolutely and simply; for that

in War appeareth all that is good and graceful, and that by the Wars is purged out all manner of Wickedness and Defor∣mity. For Proof whereof the wise and pacifick Solomon could no better represent the unspeakable Perfection of the Divine Wisdom, than by comparing it to the due disposure and ranking of an Army in Battel Array, well provided and ordered.

Therefore by reason of my Weakness and Inability, being reputed by my Compatriots unfit for the Offensive part of Warfare; and on the other side, being no way employed in matter of the De∣fensive, although it had been but to carry Burthens, fill Ditches, or break Clods, either whereof had been to me indiffe∣rent, I held it not a little disgraceful to be only an Idle Spectator of so many valo∣rous, eloquent and warlike Persons, who in the view and sight of all Europe act this notable Interlude or Tragicomedy, and not make some Effort towards the Perfor∣mance of this, nothing at all remains for me to be done. In my Opinion, little Honour is due to such as are meer Lookers on, liberal of their Eyes, and of their Purse parsimonious; who conceal their Crowns, and hide their Silver; scratching their Head with one Finger like grum∣bling Puppies, gaping at the Flies like

Tithe Calves; clapping down their Ears like Arcadian Asses at the Melody of Mu∣sicians, who with their very Countenan∣ces in the depth of silence express their Consent to the Prosopopeie.

Having made this Choice and Electi∣on, it seemed to me that my Exercise therein would be neither unprofitable nor troublesom to any, whilst I should thus set agoing my Diogenical Tub, which is all that is left me safe from the Shipwrack of my former Misfortunes.

At this dingle dangle wagging of my Tub, what would you have me to do? By the Virgin that tucks up her Sleeve, I know not as yet: Stay a little till I suck up a Draught of this Bottle, it is my true and only Helicon; it is my Caballine Foun∣tain; it is my sole Entousiasm. Drinking thus I meditate, discourse, resolve and conclude. After that the Epilogue is made, I laugh, I write, I compose, and drink again. Cynius drinking wrote, and wri∣ing drank. Aschylus (if Plutarch in his Symposiaes merit any Faith) drank compo∣sing, and drinking composed. Homer never wrote fasting, and Cato never wrote till after he had drunk. These Passages I have brought before you, to the end you may not say that I live without the Ex∣ample of Men well praised, and better.

prised. It is good and fresh enough, even (as if you would say) it is entring upon the Second Degree. God the good God Sabaoth (that is to say, the God of Armies) be praised for it eternally. If you after the same manner would take one great Draught, or two little ones, whilst you have your Gown about you. I truly find no kind of Inconveniency in it, provided you send up to God for all some small scantling of Thanks.

Since then my Luck or Destiny is such as you have heard, for it is not for every body to go to Corinth, I am fully resolved to be so little idle and unprofitable, that I will set my self to serve the one and the other sort of People, amongst the Dig∣gers, Pioniers and Rampire-builders, I will do as did Neptune and Apollo at Troy under Laomedon, or as did Renault of Mountau∣ban in his latter days: I will serve the Ma∣sons, I'll set on the Pot to boyl for the Bricklayers; and whilst the minced Meat is making ready at the sound of my small Pipe, I'll measure the Muzzle of the mu∣sing Dotards. Thus did Amphion with the Melody of his Harp, found, build and finish the great and renowned City of Thebes.

For the use of the Warriours I am about to broach off new my Barrel to give them a taste, (which by two former Volumes of mine, if by the deceitfulness and falshood of Printers they had not been jumbled, marred and spoiled, you would have very well relish'd) and draw unto them of the growth of our own trippery Pastimes, a gallant third part of a Gal∣lon, and consequently a jolly chearful Quart of Pantagruelick Sentences, which you may lawfully call (if you please) Di∣ogenical; and shall have me (seeing I can∣not be their Fellow-Soldier) for their faith∣ful Butler, refreshing and cheering, ac∣cording to my little power, their return from the Alarms of the Enemy; as also for an indefatigable Extoller of their Mar∣tial Exploits and Glorious Atchievements. I shall not fail therein par lapathium acu∣tum de dieu, if Mars fail not in Lent, which the cunning Lecher (I warrant you) will be loath to do.

I remember nevertheless to have read, that Ptolomee the Son of Lagus one day, amongst the many Spoils and Booties, which by his Victories he had acquired, presenting to the Egyptians in the open view of the People, a Bactrian Camel all black, and a party-coloured Slave, in such sort, as that the one half of his Body was

black, and the other white, not in parti∣tion of breadth by the Diaphragma, as was that Woman consecrated to the Indian Venus, whom the Tyanean Philosopher did see between the River Hydaspes, and mount Caucasus, but in a perpendicular Dimension of Altitude; which were things never before that seen in Egypt. He expected by the show of these Novel∣ties to win the love of the People. But what hapned thereupon? At the produ∣ction of the Camel they were all affright∣ed, and offended at the sight of the par∣ty-coloured Man: Some scoffed at him as a detestible Monster brought forth by the Errour of Nature. In a word, of the Hope which he had to please these Egyp∣tians, and by such means to encrease the Affection which they naturally bore him, he was altogether frustrate and disappoint∣ed; understanding fully by their Deport∣ments, that they took more pleasure and delight in things that were proper, hand∣som and perfect, than in mishapen, mon∣strous and ridiculous Creatures; since which time he had both the Slave and the Camel in such dislike that very shortly thereafter, either through Negligence, or for want of ordinary Sustenance, they did exchange their Life with Death.

This Example, My Cake will be Dough, and for my Venus I shall have but some deformed Puppy, putteth me in a suspence between hope and fear, mis∣doubting that for the Contentment which I aim at, I will but reap what shall be most distastful to me; instead of serving them, I shall but vex them, and offend them whom I purpose to exhilerate; re∣sembling in this dubious Adventure Eucli∣on's Cook, so renowned by Plautus in his Pot; and by Ausonius in his Griphon, and by divers others; which Cook, for having by his scraping, discovered a Treasure, had his Hide well curry'd. Put the case I get no Anger by it, though formerly such things fell out, and the like may occur again: Yet, by Hercules, it will not. So I perceive in them all one, and the same specifical Form, and the like individual Proprieties, which our Ancestors called Pantagruelism; by vertue whereof they will bear with any thing that floweth from a good, free, and loyal Heart. I have seen them ordinarily take good will in part of payment, and remain satisfied therewith, when one was not able to do better. Having dispatched this point, I return to my Barrel.

Up my Lads, to this Wine, spare it not; drink Boys, and trowl it off at full Bowls; if you do not think it good, let it alone. I am not like those officious and importunate Sots, who by Force, Out∣rage and Violence constrain an easie good-natur'd Fellow to whiffle, quaff, carouse, and what is worse. All honest Tiplers, all honest gouty Men, all such as are a∣dry, coming to this little Barrel of mine, need not drink thereof, if it please them not; but if they have a mind to it, and that the Wine prove agreeable to the Tastes of their worshipful Worships, let them drink frankly, freely and boldly, without paying any thing, and welcome. This is my Decree, my Statute and Ordi∣nance; and let none fear there shall be any want of Wine as at the Marriage of Cana in Galilee; for how much soever you shall draw forth at the Faucet, so much shall I tun in at the Bung. Thus shall the Barrel remain inexhaustible; it hath a lively Spring and perpetual Current. Such was the Beverage contained within the Cup of Tantalus, which was figuratively represented amongst the Bracman Sages. Such was in Iberia the Mountain of Salt so highly written of by Cato. Such was the Branch of Gold consecrated to the sub∣terranean Goddess, which Virgil treats of

so sublimely. It is a true Cornu-copia of Merriment and Railery. If at any time it seem to you to be emptied to the very Lees, yet shall it not for all that be drawn wholly dry; good Hope remains there at the bottom, as in Pandora's Bottle; and not despair, as in the Punction of the Danaids. Remark well what I have said, and what manner of People they be whom I do invite; for to the end that none be deceived, I (in imitation of Lu∣cilius, who did protest that he wrote only to his own Tarentias and Consentius, have not pierced this Vessel for any else, but you honest Men, who are Drinkers of the First Edition, and gouty Blades of the high∣est degree. The great Dorophages, Bribe-mongers, have (on their hands) occupa∣tion enough, and enough on the Hooks, for their Venison. There may they follow their Prey; here is no Garbage for them. You Pettifoggers, Garbellers, and Masters of Chicanery, speak not to me I beseech you, in the name of, and for the Reverence you bear to the Four Hips that ingendred you, and to the Quickning Peg which at that time conjoined them. As for Hypo∣crites, much less; although they were all of them unsound in Body, pockify'd, scur∣fie, furnish'd with unquenchable Thirst, and insatiable Eating; because indeed

they are not of good but of evil, and of that evil, from which we daily pray to God to deliver us. And albeit we see them sometimes counterfeit Devotion, yet ne∣ver did Old Age make pretty Moppet. Hence Mastiffs, Dogs in a Doublet, get you behind, aloof Villains, out of my Sun∣shine; Curs, to the Devil. Do you jog hither, wagging your Tails, so pant at my Wine, and bepiss my Barrel? Look here is the Cudgel, which Diogines, in his last Will, ordained to be set by him after his Death, for beating away, crushing the Reins, and breaking the Backs of these Bustuary Hobgoblins, and Cerberian Hell-hounds. Pack you hence therefore you Hypocrites to your Sheep-dogs, get you gone you Dissemblers to the Devil. Hay! What, are you there yet? I renounce my part of Papimanie. If I snatch you, Grr, Grrr, Grrrrrr. Avant, Avant, will you not be gone? May you never shit till you be soundly lash'd with Stirrup Leather, never piss but by the Strapado, nor be otherways warmed, than by the Bastinado.

CHAP. I. How Pantagruel transported a Colony of Utopians into Dypsodie.

PAntagruel having wholly subdued the Land of Dypsodie, transported thereunto a Colony of Utopians, to the number of 9876543210 Men, be∣sides the Women and little Children, Ar∣tificers of all Trades, and Professors of all Sciences; to people, cultivate and im∣prove that Country, which otherways was ill inhabited, and in the greatest part thereof but a meer Desert and Wilderness; and did transport them so much for the excessive multitude of Men and Women which were in Utopia, multiplied (for number) like Grashoppers upon the face of the Land. You understand well e∣nough, nor is it needful further to explain it to you, that the Utopian Men had so rank and fruitful Genetories, and that the Utopian Women carryed Matrixes so ample, so glutonous, so tenaciously reten∣tive, and so Architectonically cellulated, that

at the end of every Ninth Month Seven Children at the least (what Male what Female) were brought forth by every Married Woman, in imitation of the People of Israel in Egypt, if Anthony de Lira be to be trusted. Nor yet was this Transplantation made so much for the Fertility of the Soil, the Wholsomness of the Air, or Commodity of the Country of Dypsodie, as to retain that Rebellious People within the bounds of their Duty and Obedience, by this new Transport of his ancient and most faithful Subjects, who from all time out of mind, never knew, acknowledged, owned or served any other Soveraign Lord but him; and who likewise from the very instant of their Birth, as soon as they were entred into this World, had, with the Milk of their Mothers and Nurses, sucked in the Sweetness, Humanity and Mildness of his Government, to which they were all of them so nourished and habituated, that there was nothing surer, than that they would sooner abandon their Lives, than swerve from this singular and primitive Obedience naturally due to their Prince, whithersoever they should be dispersed or removed.

And not only should they, and their Children successively descending from their Blood, be such, but also would keep and maintain in this same Fealty, and obsequious Observance, all the Nations lately annexed to his Empire; which so truly came to pass, that therein he was not disappointed of his intent. For if the Utopians were before their Transplantation thither dutiful and faithful Subjects, the Dypsodes, after some few days conversing with them, were every whit as (if not more) loyal than they; and that by vertue of I know not what natural Fervency in∣cident to all Humane Creatures at the be∣ginning of any labour wherein they took delight; solemnly attesting the Heavens, and supreme Intelligences of their being on∣ly sorry, that no sooner unto their know∣ledge had arrived the great Renown of the good Pantagruel.

Remark therefore here (honest Drin∣kers) that the manner of preserving and retaining Countries newly Conquered in Obedience, is not (as hath been the Er∣ronious Opinion of some Tyrannical Spi∣rits to their own Detriment and Disho∣nour) to pillage, plunder, force, spoil, trouble, oppress, vex, disquiet, ruine and destroy the People, ruling, governing and keeping them in awe with Rods of Iron;

and (in a word) eating and devouring them, after the fashion that Homer calls an unjust and wicked King, 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉, that is to say, a Devourer of his People.

I will not bring you to this purpose the Testimony of Ancient Writers; it shall suffice to put you in mind of what your Fathers have seen thereof, and your selves too, if you be not very Babes. New∣born, they must be given suck to, rocked in a Cradle, and dandled. Trees newly planted must be supported, underpropped, strengthened and defended against all Tempests, Mischiefs, Injuries and Cala∣mities. And one lately saved from a long and dangerous Sickness, and new upon his Recovery, must be forborn, spared and cherished, in such sort, that they may harbour in their own Breasts this Opini∣on, that there is not in the World a King or a Prince, who does not desire fewer Ene∣mies, and more Friends.

Thus Osiris the great King of the Egyp∣tians, conquered almost the whole Earth, not so much by Force of Arms, as by ea∣sing the People of their Troubles, teach∣ing them how to live well, and honestly giving them good Laws, and using them with all possible Affability, Curtesie, Gen∣tleness and Liberality: Therefore was he by all Men deservedly Entituled, The

Great King Evergetes (that is to say Be∣nefactor) which Style he obtained by ver∣tue of the Command of Iupiter to Pa∣myla.

And in effect, Hesiod, in his Hierarchy placed the good Demons (call them Angels if you will, or Geniuses) as Intercessors and Mediators betwixt the Gods and Men, they being of a degree inferiour to the Gods, but superiour to Men; and for that through their Hands the Riches and Be∣nefits we get from Heaven are dealt to us; and that they are continually doing us good, and still protecting us from evil. He saith, that they exercise the Offices of Kings; because to do always good, and never ill, is an Act most singularly Royal.

Just such another was the Emperor of the Universe, Alexander the Macedonian. After this manner was Hercules Sovereign Possessor of the whole Continent, reliev∣ing Men from monstrous Oppressions, Exactions and Tyrannies; governing them with Discretion, maintaining them in Equity and Justice, instructing them with seasonable Policies and wholsom Laws, convenient for, and suitable to the Soil, Climate and Disposition of the Country, supplying where was wanting, abating what was superfluous, and par∣doning all that was past, with a sempi∣ternal

forgetfulness of all preceding Of∣fences, as was the Amnestie of the Atheni∣ans, when by the Prowess, Valour and Industry of Thrasybulus, the Tyrants were exterminated; afterwards at Rome by Cicero exposed, and renewed under the Emperor Aurelian. These are the Philtres, Al∣lurements, Iynges, Inveiglements, Baits, and Enticements of Love, by the means whereof that may be peaceably revived, which was painfully acquired. Nor can a Conqueror Reign more happily, whe∣ther he be a Monarch, Emperor, King, Prince or Philosopher, than by making his Justice to second his Valour. His Va∣lour shows it self in Victory and Con∣quest; his Iustice will appear in the good Will and Affection of the People, when he maketh Laws, publisheth Ordinances, establisheth Religion, and doth what is right to every one, as the noble Poet Virgil writes of Octavian Augustus.

—Victorque volentes Per populos dat jura.

Therefore is it that Homer in his Iliads calleth a good Prince and great King 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉, that is, The Ornament of the People.

Such was the Consideration of Numa Pompilius the Second King of the Romans, a just Politician and wise Philosopher, when he ordained that to God Terminus, on the day of his Festival called Termina∣les, nothing should be Sacrificed that had died; teaching us thereby, that the Bounds, Limits and Frontiers of Kingdoms should be guarded, and preserved in Peace, Ami∣ty and Meekness, without polluting our Hands with Blood and Robbery: Who doth otherways, shall not only lose what he hath gained, but also be loaded with this Scandal and Reproach, That he is an unjust and wicked Purchaser, and his Ac∣quests perish with him, Iuxta illud malae parta, male dilabuntur. And although du∣ring his whole Life-time, he should have peaceable possession thereof; yet if what hath been so acquired moulder away in the Hands of his Heirs the same Oppro∣by, Scandal and Imputation will be char∣ged upon the Defunct, and his Memory remain accursed for his unjust and unwar∣rantable Conquest, Iuxta illud, de male quaesitis vix gaudet tertius haeres.

Remark, likewise, Gentlemen, you Gouty Feoffees in this main Point worthy of your Observation, how by these means Pantagruel of one Angel made two, which was a Contingency opposite to the

Council of Charlemaine, who made two Devils of one, when he transplanted the Sax∣ons into Flanders, and the Flemins into Saxony. For not being able to keep in such Subjection the Saxons, whose Domi∣nion he had joyned to the Empire, but that ever and anon they would break forth into open Rebellion, if he should casu∣ally be drawn into Spain, or other re∣mote Kingdoms: He caused them to be brought unto his own Country of Flan∣ders, the Inhabitants whereof did natu∣rally obey him; and transported the Haynaults and Flemens, his ancient loving Subjects, into Saxony, not mistrusting their Loyalty, now that they were trans∣planted into a strange Land. But it hap∣ned that the Saxons persisted in their Re∣bellion and primitive Obstinacy; and the Flemins dwelling in Saxony did imbibe the stubborn Manners and Conditions of the Saxons.

CHAP. II. How Panurge was made Laird of Sal∣mygoudin in Dypsodie, and did waste his Revenue before it came in.

WHilst Pantagruel was giving Order for the Government of all Dyp∣sodie, he assigned to Panurge the Laird∣ship of Salmygoudin, which was yearly worth 6789106789 Ryals of certain Rent, besides the uncertain Revenue of the Lo∣custs and Periwinkles, amounting one year with another to the value of 435768, or 2435769 French Crowns of Berry. Some∣times it did amount to 1230554321 Se∣raphs when it was a good Year, and that Locusts and Periwinkles were in request; but that was not every Year.

Now his Worship, the new Laird, hus∣banded this his Estate so providently well and prudently, that in less than fourteen days he wasted and dilapidated all the certain and uncertain Revenue of his Lairdship for three whole Years: Yet did

not he properly dilapidate it, as you might say, in founding of Monasteries, building of Churches, erecting of Col∣ledges, and setting up of Hospitals, or casting his Bacon-Flitches to the Dogs; but spent it in a thousand little Banquets and jolly Collations, keeping open House for all Comers and Goers; yea, to all good Fellows, young Girls, and pretty Wenches; felling Timber, burning the great Logs for the Sale of the Ashes, bor∣rowing Money before-hand, buying dear, selling cheap, and eating his Corn (as it were) whilst it was but Grass.

Pantagruel being advertised of this his Lavishness, was in good sooth no way offended at the matter, angry nor sorry; for I once told you, and again tell it you, that he was the best, little, great Good∣man that ever girded a Sword to his Side; he took all things in good part, and in∣terpreted every Action to the best Sence: He never vexed nor disquieted himself with the least pretence of Dislike to any thing; because he knew that he must have most grosly abandoned the Divine Mansion of Reason, if he had permitted his Mind to be never so little grieved, af∣flicted or altered at any occasion whatso∣ever. For all the Goods that the Heaven covereth, and that the Earth containeth in

all their Dimensions of Heighth, Depth, Breadth and Length, are not of so much worth, as that we should for them disturb or disorder our Affections, trouble or perplex our Senses or Spirits.

He drew only Panurge aside, and then making to him a sweet Remonstrance and mild Admonition, very gently re∣presented before him in strong Argu∣ments, That if he should continue in such an unthrifty course of living, and not become a better Mesnagier, it would prove altogether impossible for him, or at least hughly difficult at any time to make him rich. Rich! answered Panurge, Have you fixed your Thoughts there? Have you underraken the Task to en∣rich me in this World? Set your Mind to live merrily in the Name of God and good Folks, let no other Cark nor Care be harboured within the Sacro sanctified Domicile of your Celestial Brain. May the Calmness and Tranquility thereof be never incommodated with, or over-sha∣dowed by any frowning Clouds of fullen Imaginations and displeasing Annoyance. For if you live joyful, meery, jocund and glad, I cannot be but rich enough. Every body cries up thrift, thrift, and good Hus∣bandry; but many speak of Robin Hood that never shot in his Bow; and talk of

that Vertue of Mesnagery, who know not what belong to it. It is by me that they must be advised. From me therefore take this Advertisement and Information, that what is imputed to me for a Vice, hath been done in imitation of the University and Parliament of Paris, places in which is to be found the true Spring and Source of the lively Idea of Pantheology, and all manner of Justice. Let him be counted an Heretick that doubteth thereof, and doth not firmly believe it: Yet they in one day eat up their Bishop, or the Revenue of the Bishoprick (is it not all one) for a whole year; yea, sometimes for two. This is done on the day he makes his En∣try, and is installed: Nor is there any place for an Excuse; for he cannot avoid it, unless he would be houted at and sto∣ned for his Parsimony.

It hath been also esteemed an act flow∣ing from the Habit of the Four Cardinal Vertues. Of Prudence in borrowing Mo∣ney before-hand; for none knows what may fall out; who is able to tell if the World shall last yet three years? But al∣though it should continue longer, is there any Man so foolish, as to have the Confi∣dence to promise himself three years?

What fool so confident to say, That he shall live one other day?

Of Commutative Iustice, in buying dear (I say upon trust) and selling good cheap, (that is, for ready Money) what says Cato in his Book of Husbandry to this purpose? The Father of a Family (says he) must be a perpetual Seller; by which means it is impossible but that at last he shall become rich, if he have of vendible Ware enough still ready for sale.

Of Distributive Iustice it doth partake, in giving Entertainment to good (remark good) and gentle Fellows, whom For∣tune had Shipwrack'd (like Ulysses) upon the Rock of a hungry Stomach without provision of Sustenance: And likewise to the good (remark the good) and young Wenches: For according to the Sentence of Hippocrates, Youth is impatient of Hunger, chiefly if it be vigorous, lively, frolick, brisk, stirring and bouncing; which wanton Lasses willingly and hear∣tily devote themselves to the pleasure of Honest Men; and are in so far both Pla∣tonick and Ciceronian, that they do acknow∣ledge their being born into this World, not to be for themselves alone, but that in their proper Persons their Acquaintance may

claim one share, and their Friends ano∣ther.

The Vertue of Fortitude appears there∣in by the cutting down and overthrowing of the great Trees, like a second Milo making Havock of the dark Forests, which did serve only to furnish Dens, Caves, and Shelter to Wolves, wild Boars and Foxes; and afford Receptacles, withdrawing Cor∣ners and Refuges to Robbers, Thieves and Murtherers; lurking holes and sculking places for Cut-throat Assassinators; secret obscure Shops for Coiners of false money, and safe Retreats for Hereticks, laying them even and level with the plain Cham∣pian Fields and pleasant Heathy Ground, at the sound of the Hau-bois and Bag∣pipes playing, reeks with the high and stately Timber, and preparing Seats and Benches for the Eve of the dreadful day of Judgment.

I gave thereby proof of my Temperance in eating my Corn whilst it was but Grass, like an Hermit feeding upon Sallets and Roots, that so affranchising my self from the Yoak of sensual Appetites to the ut∣ter disclaiming of their Sovereignty, I might the better reserve somewhat in store, for the relief of the lame, blind, cripple, maimed, needy, poor and wan∣ting Wretches.

In taking this course I save the Expence of the Weed-grubbers, who gain Money; of the Reapers in Harvest-time, who drink lustily, and without Water; of Gleaners, who will expect their Cakes and Ban∣nocks of Threshers, who leave no Garlick, Scallions, Leeks nor Onyons in our Gar∣dens, (by the Authority of Thestilis in Vir∣gil) and of the Millers, who are generally Thieves; and of the Bakers, who are little better; is the small Saving or Fru∣gality; besides the mischief and damage of the Field-mice, the decay of Barns, and the destruction usually made by Weesils and other Vermin.

Of Corn in the Blade. You may make good green Sauce of a light Concoction, and easie Digestion, which recreates the Brain, and exhilerates the Animal Spirits, rejoyceth the Sight, openeth the Appe∣tite, delighteth the taste, comforteth the Heart, tickleth the Tongue, cheareth the Countenance, striking a fresh and lively Colour, strengthening the Muscles, tempers the Blood, disburthens the Mi∣drif, refresheth the Liver, disobstructs the Spleen, easeth the Kidneys, suppleth the Reins, quickens the Joynts of the Back, cleanseth the Urine-Conduits, dilates the Spermatick Vessels, shortens the Crema∣sters, purgeth the Bladder, puffeth up the

Genitories, correcteth the prepuce, har∣dens the Nut, and rectifies that Member. It will make you have a current Belly to trot, fart, dung, piss, sneeze, cough, spit, belch, spew, yawn, snuff, blow, breath, snort, sweat, and set taunt your Robin, with a thousand other rare advantages. I under∣stand you very well (says Pantagruel) you would thereby infer, that those of a mean Spirit and shallow Capacity, have not the skill to spend▪ much in a short time: You are not the first in whose Conceit that Heresie hath entred: Nero maintained it, and above all Mortals admired most his Unkle Caius Caligula, for having in few days, by a most wonderfully pregnant In∣vention, totally spent all the Goods and Patrimony which Tiberius had left him.

But instead of observing the Sumptuous Supper-curbing Laws of the Romans, to wit, the Orchia, the Fannia, the Didia, the Li∣cinia, the Cornelia, the Lepidiana, the Antia, and of the Corinthians; by the which they were inhibited, under pain of great punishment, not to spend more in one year than their annual Revenue did a∣mount to. You have offered up the Ob∣lation of Protervia, which was with the Romans such a Sacrifice as the Paschal Lamb was amongst the Iews, wherein all that was eatable was to be eaten, and the re∣mainder

to be thrown into the Fire, with∣out reserving any thing for the next day. I may very justly say of you, as Cato did of Albidius, who after that he had by a most extravagant Expence wasted all the Means and Possessions he had to one only House, he fairly set it on Fire, that he might the better say, Consummatum est. Even just as since his time St. Thomas Aquinas did when he had eaten up the whole Lamprey, although there was no necessity in it.

CHAP. III. How Panurge praiseth the Debtors and Borrowers.

BUT, quoth Pantagruel, when will you be out of Debt? At the next ensuing Term of the Greek Calends, an∣swered Panurge, when all the World shall be content, and that it be your Fate to become your own Heir. The Lord for∣bid that I should be out of Debt, as if, in∣deed, I could not be trusted. Who leaves

not some Leaven over night, will hardly have paste the next morning.

Be still indebted to some body or other, that there may be some body always to pray for you; that the Giver of all good things may grant unto you a blessed, long, and prosperous Life, fearing if Fortune should deal crosly with you, that it might be his chance to come short of being paid by you; he will always speak good of you in every Company, ever and anon purchase new Creditors unto you; to the end that through their means you may make a shift by borrowing from Peter to pay Paul, and with other folks Earth fill up his Ditch. When of old in the Re∣gion of the Gauls, by the Institution of the Druids, the Servants, Slaves and Bond∣men were burnt quick at the Funerals and Obsequies of their Lords and Masters; had not they fear enough, think you, that their Lords and Masters should die? for per force, they were to die with them for Company. Did not they uncessantly send up their Supplications to their great God Mercury, as likewise unto Dis the Father of Wealth, to lengthen out their days, and preserve them long in health? Were not they very careful to entertain them well, punctually to look unto them, and to attend them faithfully and circumspect∣ly?

For by those means were they to live together at least until the hour of Death. Believe me, your Creditors with a more fervent Devotion will beseech Almighty God to prolong your Life, they being of nothing more afraid than that you should die; for that they are more concerned for the Sleeve than the Arm, and love Silver better than their own Lives; as it evidently appeareth by the Usurers of Landerousse, who not long since hanged themselves, because the price of the Corn and Wines was fallen, by the return of a gracious Season. To this Pantagruel an∣swering nothing, Panurge went on in his Discourse, saying, Truly, and in good sooth (Sir,) when I ponder my Destiny aright, and think well upon it, you put me shrewdly to my Plunges, and have me at a Bay in twitting me with the Re∣proach of my Debts and Creditors: And yet did I, in this only respect and con∣sideration of being a Debtor, esteem my self worshipful, reverend and formidable. For against the Opinion of most Philoso∣phers, that of nothing ariseth nothing; yet without having bottomed on so much as that which is called the First Matter, did I out of nothing become such Maker and Creator, that I have created, what? a gay number of fair and jolly Creditors. Nay,

Creditors (I will maintain it, even to the very Fire it self exclusively) are fair and goodly Creatures. Who lendeth nothing is an ugly and wicked Creature, and an ac∣cursed Imp of the Infernal Old Nick. And there is made, what? Debts: A thing most precious and dainty, of great Use and Antiquity. Debts (I say) surmounting the number of Syllables which may result from the Combinations of all the Conso∣nants, with each of the Vowels hereto∣fore projected, reckoned and calculated by the Noble Xenocrates. To judge of the perfection of Debtors by the Numerosity of their Creditors, is the readiest way for entring into the Mysteries of Practical Arithmetick.

You can hardly imagine how glad I am, when every Morning I perceive my self environed and surrounded with Bri∣gades of Creditors; humble, fawning, and full of their Reverences: And whilst I remark, that as I look more favourably upon, and give a chearfuller Counte∣nance to one than to another, the Fellow thereupon buildeth a Conceit that he shall be the first Dispatched, and the foremost in the Date of Payment; and he valueth my Smiles at the rate of ready Money. It seemeth unto me, that I then act and personate the God of the Passion of Sau∣mure,

accompanied with his Angels and Cherubims.

These are my Flatterers, my Soothers, my Claw backs, my Smoothers, my Para∣sites, my Saluters, my Givers of good Morrows, and perpetual Orators; which makes me verily think, that the supream∣est Height of Heroick Vertue, described by Hesiode, consisteth in being a Debtor, wherein I held the first degree in my Com∣mencement. Which Dignity though all Humane Creatures seem to aim at, and as∣pire thereto, few nevertheless, because of the difficulties in the way, and incum∣brances of hard Passages are able to reach it, as is easily perceivable by the ardent desire and vehement longing harboured in the Breast of every one, to be still creating more Debts, and the new Creditors.

Yet doth it not lie in the power of e∣very one to be a Debtor. To acquire Cre∣ditors is not at the Disposure of each Man's Arbitriment. You nevertheless would de∣prive me of this sublime Felicity. You ask me when I will be out of Debt. Well, to go yet further on, and possibly worse in your Conceit, may Sanct Bablin, the good Sanct, snatch me, if I have not all my Life-time held Debt to be as an Union or Conjunction of the Heavens with the Earth, and the whole Cement whereby

the Race of Mankind is kept together; yea, of such Vertue and Efficacy, that, I say, the whole Progeny of Adam would very suddenly perish without it. There∣fore, perhaps, I do not think amiss, when I repute it to be the great Soul of the Uni∣verse, which (according to the Opinion of the Academicks) vivifyeth all manner of things. In Confirmation whereof, that you may the better believe it to be so, re∣present unto your self, without any preju∣dicacy of Spirit, in a clear and serene Fan∣cy, the Idea and Form of some other World than this; take if you please, and lay hold on the thirtieth of those which the Philosopher Methrodorus did enumerate, wherein it is to be supposed there is no Debtor or Creditor, that is to say, a World without Debts.

There amongst the Planets will be no regular Course, all will be in Disorder, Iupiter reckoning himself to be nothing in∣debted unto Saturn, will go near to detrude him out of his Sphere, and with the Ho∣merick Chain will be like to hang up the Intelligences, Gods, Heavens, Demons, He∣roes, Devils, Earth and Sea together with the other Elements. Saturn no doubt combining with Mars will reduce that so disturbed World into a Chaos of Confu∣sion.

Mercury then would be no more sub∣jected to the other Planets; he would scorn to be any longer their Camillus, as he was of old termed in the Hetrurian Tongue; for it is to be imagined that he is no way a Debtor to them.

Venus will be no more Venerable, be∣cause she shall have lent nothing. The Moon will remain bloody and obscure: For to what end should the Sun impart un∣to her any of his Light? He owed her no∣thing. Nor yet will the Sun shine upon the Earth, nor the Stars send down any good Influence, because the Terrestrial Globe hath desisted from sending up their wonted Nourishment by Vapours and Exhalations, wherewith Heraclitus said the Stoicks proved Cicero maintained they were cherished and alimented. There would likeways be in such a World no manner of Symbolization, Alteration, nor Transmutation amongst the Elements; for the one will not esteem it self obliged to the other, as having borrowed nothing at all from it. Earth then will not be∣come Water, Water will not be changed into Air, of Air will be made no Fire, and Fire will afford no Heat unto the Earth; the Earth will produce nothing but Monsters, Titans, Giants; no Rain will descend upon it, nor Light shine

thereon; no Wind will blow there, nor will there be in it any Summer or Har∣vest. Lu••••fer will break loose, and issuing forth of the depth of Hell, accompanied with his Furies, Fiends and Horned De∣vils, will go about to unnestle and drive out of Heaven all the Gods, as well of the greater as of the lesser Nations. Such a World without lending, will be no better than a Dog-kennel, a place of Contention and Wrangling, more unruly and irregu∣lar than that of the Rector of Paris; a Devil of an Hurly-burly, and more dis∣ordered Confusion, than that of the Plagues of Douay. Men will not then salute one another; it will be but lost la∣bour to expect Aid or Succour from any, or to cry, Fire, Water, Murther, for none will put to their helping Hand. Why? He lent no Money, there is nothing due to him. No body is concerned in his Burn∣ing, in his Shipwrack, in his Ruine, or in his Death; and that because he hitherto had lent nothing, and would never there∣after have lent any thing. In short, Faith, Hope and Charity would be quite banish'd from such a World; for Men are born to relieve and assist one another; and in their stead should succeed and be introduced Defiance, Disdain and Rancour, with the most execrable Troop of all Evils, all Im∣precations

and all Miseries. Whereupon you will think, and that not amiss, that Pandora had there spilt her unlucky Bot∣tle. Men unto Men will be Wolves, Hob∣thrushers and Goblins, (as were Lycaon, Bellorophon, Nebuchodonosor) Plunderers, High-way Robbers, Cut-throats, Rappe∣rees, Murtherers, Payloners, Assassinators, lewd, wicked, malevolent, pernicious Ha∣ters, set against every body, like to Ismael, Metabus, or Timon the Athenian, who for that cause was named Misanthropos; in such sort, that it would prove much more easie in Nature to have Fish entertained in the Air, and Bullocks fed in the bottom of the Ocean, than to support or tolerate a rascally Rabble of People that will not Lend. These Fellows (I vow) do I hate with a perfect Hatred; and if conform to the pattern of this grievous, peevish and perverse World which lendeth nothing, you figure and liken the little World, which is Man, you will find in him a ter∣rible justling Coyle and Clutter: The Head will not lend the sight of his Eyes to guide the Feet and Hands; the Legs will refuse to bear up the Body; the Hands will leave off working any more for the rest of the Members; the Heart will be weary of its continual Motion for the beating of the Pulse, and will no lon∣ger

lend his Assistance; the Lungs will withdraw the use of their Bellows; the Liver will desist from convoying any more Blood through the Veins for the good of the whole; the Bladder will not be indebted to the Kidneys, so that the Urine thereby will be totally stopped. The Brains, in the interim, considering this unnatural course, will fall into a ra∣ving Dotage, and with-hold all feeling from the Sinews, and Motion from the Muscles: Briefly, in such a World with∣out Order and Array, owing nothing, lend∣ing nothing, and borrowing nothing, you would see a more dangerous Conspiration than that which Esope exposed in his Apo∣logue. Such a World will perish undoubt∣edly; and not only perish, but perish ve∣ry quickly. Were it Asculapius himself, his Body would immediately rot, and the chafing Soul full of Indignation take its Flight to all the Devils of Hell after my Money.

CHAP. IV. Panurge continueth his Discourse in the praise of Borrowers and Lenders.

ON the contrary, be pleased to repre∣sent unto your Fancy another World, wherein every one lendeth, and every one oweth, all are Debtors, and all Cre∣ditors. O how great will that Harmony be, which shall thereby result from the regular Motions of the Heavens! Me∣thinks I hear it every whit as well as ever Plato did. What Sympathy will there be amongst the Elements? O how dele∣ctable then unto Nature will be our own Works and Productions? Whilst Ceres ap∣peareth loaden with Corn, Bacchus with Wines, Flora with Flowers, Pomona with Fruits, and Iuno fair in a clear Air, whol∣som and pleasant: I lose my self in this high Contemplation.

Then will among the Race of Mankind Peace, Love, Benevolence, Fidelity, Tran∣quility, Rest, Banquets, Feastings, Joy, Gladness, Gold, Silver, single Money,

Chains, Rings, with other Ware, and Chaffer of that nature be found to trot from hand to hand; no Suits at Law, no Wars, no Strife, Debate, nor wrangling; none will be there an Usurer, none will be there a Pinch-penny, a Scrape-good Wretch, or churlish hard-hearted Refuser. Good God! Will not this be the Golden Age in the Reign of Saturn? The true Idea of the Olympick Regions, where∣in all Vertues cease; Charity alone ruleth, governeth, domineereth and triumpheth? All will be fair and goodly People there, all just and vertuous.

O happy World! O People of that World most happy! Yea, thrice and four times blessed is that People! I think in very deed that I am amongst them, and swear to you, by my good Forsooth, that if this glorious aforesaid World had a Pope, abounding with Cardinals, that so he might have the Association of a Sacred Colledge, in the space of ve∣ry few years you should be sure to see the Sancts much thicker in the Roll, more numerous, wonder-working and mi∣rifick, more Services, more Vows, more Staves and Wax-Candles than are all those in the Nine Bishopricks of Britany, St. Yves only excepted. Consider (Sir) I pray you, how the noble Patelin, having a

mind to Deity, and extol even to the Third Heavens the Father of William Ios∣seaume, said no more but this, And he did lend his Goods to those who were desirous of them.

O the fine Saying! Now let our Mi∣crocosm be fancied conform to this Model in all its Members; lending, borrowing and owing, (that is to say) according to its own Nature: For Nature hath not to any other end created Man, but to owe, borrow and lend; no greater is the Har∣mony amongst the Heavenly Spheres, than that which shall be found in its well-ordered Policy. The Intention of the Founder of this Microcosm is, to have a Soul therein to be entertained, which is lodged there, as a Guest with its Host, it may live there for a while. Life consi∣steth in Blood, Blood is the Seat of the Soul; therefore the chiefest Work of the Microcosm, is, to be making Blood continually.

At this Forge are exercised all the Mem∣bers of the Body; none is exempted from Labour, each operates apart, and doth its proper Office. And such is their Hi∣erarchy, that perpetually the one borrows from the other, the one lends the other, and the one is the others Debtor. The stuff and matter convenient which Nature

giveth to be turned into Blood is Bread and Wine. All kind of nourishing Vi∣ctuals is understood to be comprehended in these two, and from hence in the Go∣thish Tongue is called Companage. To find out this Meat and Drink, to prepare and boil it, the Hands are put to Work, the Feet do walk and bear up the whole Bulk of the Corporal Mass; the Eyes guide and conduct all; the Appetite in the Ori∣fice of the Stomach, by means of little sowrish black Humour (called Melancho∣ly) which is transmitted thereto from the Milt, giveth warning to shut in the Food. The Tongue doth make the first Essay, and tastes it; the Teeth do chaw it, and the Stomach doth receive, digest and chy∣lifie it; the Mesaraick Veins suck out of it what is good and fit, leaving behind the Excrements, which are, through spe∣cial Conduits for that purpose, voided by an expulsive Faculty; thereafter it is car∣ried to the Liver, where it being changed again, it by the vertue of that new Transmutation becomes Blood. What Joy, conjecture you, will then be found amongst those Officers, when they see this Rivolet of Gold, which is their sole Re∣storative? No greater is the Joy of Alchi∣mists, when after long Travel, Toil and Expence, they see in their Furnaces the

Transmutation: Then is it that every Member doth prepare it self, and strive a-new to purifie and to refine this Trea∣sure. The Kidneys through the emul∣gent Veins draw that Aquosity from thence which you call Urine, and there send it away through the Ureters to be slipt downwards; where, in a lower Re∣cepticle, and proper for it, (to wit, the Bladder) it is kept, and stayeth there un∣til an opportunity to void it out in his due time. The Spleen draweth from the Blood its Terrestrial part, viz. The Grounds, Lees or thick Substance setled in the bottom thereof, which you term Melan∣choly: The Bottle of the Gall substracts from thence all the superfluous Choler; whence it is brought to another Shop or Work-house to be yet better purified and fined, that is, the Heart, which by its agitation of Diastolick and Systolick Moti∣ons so neatly subtilizeth and inflames it, that in the right side Ventricle it is brought to perfection, and through the Veins is sent to all the Members; each parcel of the Body draws it then unto its self, and after its own fashion is cherished and ali∣mented by it: Feet, Hands, Thighs, Arms, Eyes, Ears, Back, Breast, yea, all; and then it is, that who before were Lenders, now become Debtors. The Heart doth

in its left side Ventricle so thinnifie the Blood, that it thereby obtains the Name of Spiritual; which being sent through the Arteries to all the Members of the Bo∣dy, serveth to warm and winnow the o∣ther Blood which runneth through the Veins: The Lights never cease with its Lappets and Bellows to cool and refresh it; in acknowledgment of which good the Heart through the Arterial Vein im∣parts unto it the choicest of its Blood: At last it is made so fine and subtle within the Rete Mirabilis, that thereafter those Animal Spirits are framed and composed of it; by means whereof the Imagination, Dis∣course, Judgment, Resolution, Delibera∣tion, Ratrocination and Memory have their Rise, Actings and Operations.

Cops body, I sink, I drown, I perish, I wander astray, and quite fly out of my self, when I enter into the Consideration of the profound Abyss of this World, thus lending, thus owing. Believe me, it is a Divine thing to lend, to owe an Heroick Vertue. Yet is not this all; this little World thus lending, owing and borrowing, is so good and charitable, that no sooner is the above-specified Alimentation finish∣ed, but that it forthwith projecteth, and hath already forecast, how it shall lend to those who are not as yet born, and by

that Loan endeavour, what it may, to eternize it self, and multiply in Images like the Pattern, that is, Children. To this end every Member hath of the choi∣cest and most precious of its Nourishment, pare and cut off a Portion, then instantly dispatcheth it downwards to that place, where Nature hath prepared for it very fit Vessels and Receptacles, through which descending to the Genitories by long Am∣bages, Circuits and Flexuosities, it receiv∣eth a competent Form, and Rooms apt enough both in the Man and Woman for the future Conservation and perpetuating of Humane kind. All this is done by Loans and Debts of the one unto the other; and hence have we this word, the Debt of Mar∣riage. Nature doth reckon Pain to the Refuser, with a most grievous Vexation to his Members, and an outragious Fury amidst his Senses. But on the other part, to the Lender a set Reward, accompanied with Pleasure, Joy, Solace, Mirth and merry Glee.

CHAP. V. How Pantagruel altogether abhorreth the Debtors and Borrowers.

I Understand you very well, (quoth Pantagruel) and take you to be very good at Topicks, and throughly affection∣ed to your own Cause: But preach it up, and patrocinate it; prattle on it, and de∣fend it as much as you will, even from hence to the next Whitsuntide, if you please so to do, yet in the end will you be astonished to find how you shall have gained no ground at all upon me, nor perswaded me by your fair Speeches and smooth Talk to enter never so little into the Thraldom of Debt. You shall owe to none (saith the Holy Apostle) any thing save Love, Friendship and a mutual Bene∣volence.

You serve me here, I confess, with fine Graphides and Diatyposes, Descriptions and Figures, which truly please me very well: But let me tell you, if you will represent unto your Fancy an impudent blustering Bully and an importunate Borrower, en∣tring

afresh and newly into a Town al∣ready advertised of his Manners, you shall find that at his Ingress the Citizens will be more hideously affrighted and amazed, and in a greater terror and fear, dread and trembling, than if the Pest it self should step into it in the very same Garb and Accoutrement wherein the Tyanaean Philosopher found it within the City of Ephesus. And I am fully confirmed in the Opinion, that the Persians erred not, when they said, That the Second Vice was to Lie, the first being that of owing Money. For in very truth, Debts and Lying are or∣dinarily joyned together. I will never∣theless not from hence infer, that none must owe any thing, or lend any thing. For who so rich can be, that sometimes may not owe; or who can be so poor, that sometimes may not lend?

Let the occasion notwithstanding in that case (as Plato very wisely sayeth, and ordaineth in his Laws) be such, that none be permitted to draw any Water out of his Neighbour's Well, until first, they by continual digging and delving into their own proper Ground, shall have hit upon a kind of Potters Earth, which is called Ceramite, and there had found no source or drop of Water; for that sort of Earth, by reason of its Substance, which

is fat, strong, firm and close; so retaineth its Humidity, that it doth not easily eva∣porate it by any outward excursion or evaporation.

In good sooth, it is a great shame to choose rather to be still borrowing in all places from every one, than to work and win. Then only in my Judgment should one lend, when the diligent, toiling and in∣dustrious Person is no longer able by his labour to make any Purchase unto him∣self, or otherwise, when by mischance he hath suddenly fallen into an unexpected loss of his Goods.

Howsoever let us leave this Discourse, and from henceforwards do not hang upon Creditors, nor tie your self to them; I make account for the time past to rid you freely of them, and from their Bon∣dage to deliver you. The least I should in this point, (quoth Panurge) is to thank you, though it be the most I can do: And if Gratitude and Thanksgiving be to be estimated and prized by the Affection of the Benefactor, that is to be done in∣finitely and sempiternally; for the love which you bear me of your own accord and free Grace, without any merit of mine, goeth far beyond the reach of any price or value; it transcends all weight, all number, all measure, it is endless and

everlasting; therefore should I offer to commensurate and adjust it, either to the size and proportion of your own noble and gracious Deeds, or yet to the Content∣ment and Delight of the obliged Recei∣vers, I would come off but very faintly and flaggingly. You have verily done me a great deal of good, and multiplied your Favours on me more frequently than was fitting to one of my condition. You have been more bountiful towards me than I have deserved, and your Courtesies have by far surpassed the extent of my merits, I must needs confess it. But it is not, as you suppose, in the proposed matter: For there it is not where I itch, it is not there where it fretteth, hurts or vexeth me; for henceforth being quit and out of Debt, what Countenance will I be able to keep? You may imagine that it will become me very ill, for the first month, because I have never hitherto been brought up or accustomed to it, I am very much afraid of it. Further∣more, there shall not one hereafter, Native of the Country of Salmigondy, but he shall level the Shot towards my Nose; all the back-cracking Fellows of the World, in discharging of their Postern Petarades, use commonly to say, Voila pour les quitters; that is, For the quit. My

Life will be of very short continuance, I do foresee it, I recommend to you the making of my Epitaph; for I perceive I will die confected in the very stinch of Farts. If at any time to come, by way of restorative to such good Women as shall happen to be troubled with the grie∣vous pain of the Wind-Cholick, the ordi∣nary Medicaments prove nothing effectu∣al, the Mummy of all my befarted Body will streight be as a present Remedy ap∣pointed by the Physicians; whereof they taking any small Modicum, it will inconti∣nently for their Ease afford them a Rattle of Bum-shot, like a Sal of Muskets.

Therefore would I beseech you to leave me some few Centuries of Debts; as King Louis the Eleventh, exempting from Suits in Law the Reverend Milles d' Illiers, Bi∣shop of Chartre, was by the said Bishop most earnestly sollicited to leave him some few for the Exercise of his mind. I had rather give them all my Revenue of the Periwinkles, together with the other In∣comes of the Locusts, albeit I should not thereby have any parcel abated from off the principal Sums which I owe. Let us wave this matter (quoth Pantagruel) I have told it you over again.

CHAP. VI. Why new Married Men were priviledg∣ed from going to the Wars.

BUT, in the Interim, asked Panurge, by what Law was it constituted, or∣dained and established, that such as should plant a new Vineyard, those that should build a new House, and the new married Men should be exempted and discharged from the Duty of Warfare for the first year? By the Law (answered Pantagruel) of Moyses. Why (replyed Panurge) the lately married? As for the Vine-Planters, I am now too old to reflect on them; my Condition, at this present, induceth me to remain satisfied with the care of Vintage, finishing and turning the Grapes into Wine: Nor are these pretty new Builders of Dead Stones written or pricked down in my Book of Life; it is all with Live Stones that I set up, and erect the Fabricks of my Architecture, to wit, Men. It was (according to my Opinion, quoth Pantagruel) to the end, First, That the fresh married Folks should for the first

year reap a full and compleat Fruition of their Pleasures in their mutual exercise of the act of Love, in such sort, that in waiting more at leisure on the production of Poste∣rity, and propagating of their Progeny, they might the better encrease their Race, and make Provision of new Heirs. That if in the years thereafter the Men should, up∣on their undergoing of some Military Adventure, happen to be killed, their Names and Coats of Arms might conti∣nue with their Children in the same Fa∣milies: And next that, the Wives there∣by, coming to know whether they were barren or fruitful (for one years Trial, in regard of the maturity of Age, wherein; of old, they married, was held sufficient for the Discovery) they might pitch the more suitably, in case of their first Hus∣bands Decease, upon a Second Match. The fertile Women to be wedded to those who desire to multiply their Issue; and the steril ones to such other Mates, as misre∣garding the storing of their own Lineage, choose them only for their Vertues, Learning, Genteel Behaviour, Domestick Consolation, management of the House, and Matrimonial Conveniences and Com∣forts, and such like. The Preacher of Va∣rennes (saith Panarge) detest and abhor the Second Marriages, as altogether foolish and dishonest.

Foolish and dishonest, (quoth Pantagru∣el) a plague take such Preachers! Yea but (quoth Panurge) the like Mischief also befal the Friar, Charmer, who in a full Auditory, making a Sermon at Perille, and therein abominating the Reiteration of Marriage, and the entring again in the Bonds of a Nuptial Tie, did swear and heartily give himself to the swiftest Devil in Hell, if he had not rather choose, and would much more willingly undertake the unmaidning or depucelating of a hundred Virgins, than the simple Drudgery of one Widow. Truly I find your Reason in that point right good, and strongly grounded.

But what would you think, if the Cause why this Exemption or Immunity was granted, had no other Foundation, but that, during the whole space of the said first year, they so lustily bobbed it with their Female Consorts, (as both Reason and Equity require they should do) that they had drained and evacuated their Spermatick Vessels; and were become thereby altogether feeble, weak, emascu∣lated, drooping and flaggingly pithless; yea, in such sort, that they in the day of Battel, like Ducks which plunge over Head and Ears, would sooner hide them∣selves behind the Baggage than in the Company of valiant Fighters and daring

Military Combatants, appear where stern Bellona deals her Blows, and moves a bustling Noise of Thwacks and Thumps. Nor is it to be thought that under the Standard of Mars they will so much as once strike a fair Stroke, because their most considerable Knocks have been al∣ready jerked and whirrited within the Curtines of his Sweet-heart Venus.

In confirmation whereof, amongst other Relicks and Monuments of Antiquity, we now as yet often see, that in all great Houses, after the expiring of some few days, these young married Blades are rea∣dily sent away to visit their Uncles, that in the Absence of their Wives, reposing themselves a little, they may recover their decayed Strength by the Recruit of a fresh Supply, the more vigorous to return a∣gain, and face about to renew the dueling Shock and Conflict of an amorous Dalli∣ance: Albeit (for the greater part) they have neither Uncle nor Aunt to go to.

Just so did the King Crackart, after the Battle of the Cornets, not cashier us, (speaking properly) I mean me and the Quailecaller, but for our Refreshment re∣manded us to our Houses; and he is as yet seeking after his own. My Grandfa∣thers Godmother was wont to say to me when I was a Boy,

Patonisters & Oraisons Sont pour ceux-la qui les retiennent. Un fiffre en frenaisons Est plus fort que deux qui en viennent.

Not Orisons nor Patrenotres Shall ever disorder my Brain. One Cadet, to the Field as he flutters, Is worth two when they end the Campagn.

That which prompteth me to that O∣pinion, is, that the Vine-Planters did sel∣dom eat of the Grapes, or drink of the Wine of their Labour, till the first year was wholly elapsed: During all which time also the Builders did hardly inhabit their new structured Dwelling places, for fear of dying suffocated through want of Respiration; as Galen hath most learned∣ly remarked, in the Second Book of the Difficulty of Breathing. Under favour, Sir, I have not asked this Question without Cause causing, and Reason truly very ratiocinant. Be not offended I pray you.

CHAP. VII. How Panurge had a Flea in his Ear, and forbore to wear any longer his magnificent Codpiece.

PAnurge the day thereafter, caused pierce his right Ear, after the Pewish Fashion, and thereto clasped a little Gold Ring, of a Fearny-like kind of Work∣manship, in the Beazil or Collet where∣of was set and inchased a Flea; and to the end you may be rid of all Doubts, you are to know that the Flea was black. O what a brave thing it is, in every case and circumstance of a matter, to be through∣ly well informed! The Sum of the Ex∣pence hereof, being cast up, brought in, and laid down upon his Council-board Carpet, was found to amount to no more quarterly than the Charge of the Nuptials of a Hircanian Tigress; even as you would say 600000 Maravedis. At these vast Costs and excessive Disbursements, as soon as he perceived himself to be out of Debt, he fretted much; and after∣wards,

as Tyrants and Lawyers use to do, he nourish'd and fed her with the Sweat and Blood of his Subjects and Clients.

He then took four French Ells of a course brown Russet Cloth, and therein appa∣relling himself, as with a long, plain-seem∣ed and single-stitched Gown, left off the wearing of his Breeches, and tied a pair of Spectacles to his Cap. In this Equi∣page did he present himself before Panta∣gruel; to whom this Disguise appeared the more strange, that he did not, as be∣fore, see that goodly, fair and stately Cod∣piece, which was the sole Anchor of Hope, wherein he was wonted to rely, and last Refuge he had 'midst all the Waves and boysterous Billows, which a stormy Cloud in a cross Fortune would raise up against him. Honest Pantagruel, not understanding the Mystery, asked him by way of interrogatory, what he did intend to personate in that new-fan∣gled Prosopopeia? I have (answered Pa∣nurge) a Flea in mine Ear, and have a mind to marry. In a good time (quoth Panta∣gruel) you have told me joyful Tidings; yet would not I hold a red hot Iron in my hand for all the Gladness of them. But it is not the fashion of Lovers to be accoutred in such dangling Vestments, so as to have their Shirts flagging down over

their Knees, without Breeches, and with a long Robe of a dark brown mingled Hue, which is a Colour never used, in Ta∣larian Garments amongst any Persons of Honour, Quality or Vertue. If some Heretical Persons and Schismatical Secta∣ries have at any time formerly been so arrayed and cloathed, (though many have imputed such a kind of Dress to Cosenage, Cheat, Imposture, and an Affectation of Tyranny upon credulous Minds of the rude Multitude) I will nevertheless not blame them for it, nor in that point judge rashly or sinistrously of them; every one overflowingly aboundeth in his own Sense and Fancy: Yea, in things of a Foreign Consideration, altogether extrinsical and indifferent, which in and of themselves are neither commendable nor bad, because they proceed not from the Interior of the Thoughts and Heart, which is the Shop of all Good and Evil. Of Goodness, if it be upright, and that its Affections be re∣gulated by the pure and clean Spirit of Righteousness; and on the other side, of Wickedness, if its Inclinations, stray∣ing beyond the bounds of Equity be cor∣rupted and depraved by the Malice and Suggestions of the Devil. It is only the Novelty and new-fangledness thereof which I dislike, together with the Con∣tempt

of common Custom, and the Fashi∣on which is in use.

The Colour (answered Panurge) is con∣venient, for it is conform to that of my Council-Board Carpet, therefore will I henceforth hold me with it, and more narrowly and circumspectly than ever hi∣therto I have done, look to my Affairs and Business. Seeing I am once out of Debt, you never yet saw Man more unpleasing then I will be, if God help me not. Lo here be my Spectacles. To see me afar off, you would readily say, that it were Fryar Burgess. I believe certainly, that in the next ensuing Year, I shall once more preach the Croisade, Bounce Buckram. Do you see this Russet? doubt not but there lurketh under it some hid Property and occult Vertue, known to very few in the World. I did not take it on before this Morning; and nevertheless, am already in a rage of Lust, mad after a Wife, and vehemently hot upon untying the Codpiece-point, I itch, I tingle, I wriggle, and long exceed∣ingly to be married; that without the danger of Cudgel-blows, I may labour my Female Copes-mate with the hard push of a Bull-horned Devil. O the pro∣vident and thrifty Husband that I then will be! After my Death, with all Ho∣nour and Respect due to my Frugality,

will they burn the Sacred Bulk of my Bo∣dy, of purpose to preserve the Ashes there∣of, in memory of the choicest Pattern that ever was, of a perfectly wary, and compleat Housholder. Cops-body, this is not the Carpet whereon my Treasurer shall be allowed to play false in his Ac∣compts with me, by setting down an X for an V, or an L for an S; for in that case, should I make a hail of Fifti-cuffs to fly into his face. Look upon me (Sir) both before and behind, it is made after the manner of a Toge, which was the an∣cient fashion of the Romans in time of Peace. I took the Mode, Shape, and Form thereof in Trajan's Column at Rome, as also in the Triumphant Arch of Septi∣mus Severus. I am tired of the Wars, wea∣ry of wearing Buff-coats, Cassocks, and Hoquetons. My Shoulders are pitifully worn, and bruised with the carrying of Harness; let Armour cease, and the Long Robe bear sway: at least it must be so for the whole space of the succeeding Years. If I be married as yesterday, by the Mosaick Law, you evidenced, in what concerneth the Breeches: my great Aunt Laurence did long ago tell me, that the Breeches were only ordained for the use of the Codpiece, and to no other end; which I, upon a no less forcible consequence, give Credit to,

every whit as well, as to the Saying of the fine Fellow Galen, who in his Ninth Book Of the Use, and Employment of our Members, alledgeth, That the Head was made for the Eyes: for Nature might have placed our Heads in our Knees or Elbows, but having before-hand determined that the Eyes should serve to discover things from afar, she for the better enabling them to execute their designed Office, fixed them in the Head (as on the top of a long Pole) in the most eminent part of all the Body: no otherwise then we see the Phares, or high Towers erected in the Mouths of Ha∣vens, that Navigators may the further off perceive with ease the Lights of the night∣ly Fires and Lanterns. And because I would gladly, for some short while (a Year at least) take a little rest and breathing-time from the toylsome Labour of the Military Profession; that is to say, be married, I have desisted from wearing any more a Codpiece, and consequently have laid a∣side my Breeches: for the Codpiece is the principal and most especial Piece of Ar∣mour that a Warriour doth carry; and therefore do I maintain even to the Fire (exclusively, understand you me) that no Turks can properly be said to be armed Men, in regard that Codpieces are by their Law forbidden to be worn.

CHAP. VIII. Why the Codpiece is held to be the chief piece of Armour amongst Warriours.

WIll you maintain (quoth Pantagruel) that the Codpiece is the chief piece of a Military Harness? It is a new kind of Doctrine very paradoxical: for we say at Spurs begins the arming of a Man. Sir, I maintain it, (answered Pa∣nurge) and not wrongfully do I maintain it. Behold how Nature having a fervent desire after its Production of Plants, Trees, Shrubs, Herbs, Sponges, and plant Animals, to eternize, and continue them unto all Succession of Ages (in their several Kinds, or Sorts at least, although the Individuals perish) unruinable, and in an everlasting Being, hath most cu∣riously armed and fenced their Buds, Sprouts, Shutes, and Seeds, wherein the above-mentioned perpetuity consisteth, by strengthning, covering, guarding, and fortifying them with an admirable indu∣stry, with Husks, Cases, Scurfs, and Swads,

Hulls, Cods, Stones, Films, Cartels, Shells, Ears, Rinds, Barks, Skins, Ridges, and Prickles, which serve them instead of strong, fair, and natural Codpieces: as is manifestly apparent in Pease, Beans, Fa∣sels, Pomegranates, Peaches, Cottons, Gourds, Pumpions, Melons, Corn, Le∣mons, Almonds, Walnuts, Filberts, and Chestnuts; as likewise in all Plants, Slips, or Sets whatsoever, wherein it is plainly and evidently seen, that the Sperm and Semenae is more closely veiled, oversha∣dowed, corroborated, and throughly har∣nessed than any other part, portion, or parcel of the whole.

Nature nevertheless did not after that manner provide for the sempiternizing of Human Race: but on the contrary crea∣ted Man naked, tender, and frail, with∣out either offensive or defensive Arms; and that in the Estate of Innocence, in the first Age of all, which was the Golden Season; not as a Plant, but living Crea∣ture, born for Peace, not War, and brought forth into the World with an unquestio∣nable Right and Title to the plenary fru∣ition and enjoyment of all Fruits and Ve∣getables; as also to a certain calm and gentle Rule and Dominion over all Kinds of Beasts, Fowls, Fishes, Reptils, and In∣sects. Yet afterwards it hapning in the

time of the Iron Age, under the Reign of Iupiter, when to the multiplication of mischievous Actions, wickedness and ma∣lice began to take root and footing with∣in the then perverted Hearts of Men, that the Earth began to bring forth Nettles, Thistles, Thorns, Bryars, and such other stubborn and rebellious Vegetables to the Nature of Man; nor scarce was there any Animal, which by a fatal disposition did not then revolt from him, and tacitly con∣spire, and covenant with one another to serve him no longer, (nor in case of their ability to resist) to do him any manner of Obedience, but rather (to the uttermost of their power) to annoy him with all the hurt and harm they could. The Man then, that he might maintain his primi∣mitive Right and Prerogative, and conti∣nue his Sway and Dominion over all, both Vegetable and Sensitive Creatures; and knowing of a truth, that he could not be well accommodated as he ought, without the servitude and subjection of several A∣nimals, bethought himself, that of necessi∣ty he must needs put on Arms, and make provision of Harness against Wars and Violence. By the holy Saint Babingoose, (cried out Pantagruel) you are become, since the last Rain, a great Lifre lofre, Philosopher, I should say. Take Notice,

Sir, (quoth Panurge) when Dame Nature had prompted him to his own Arming, what part of the Body it was, where, by her Inspiration, he clapped on the first Harness: It was forsooth by the double pluck of my little Dog the Ballock, and good Senor Don Priapos Stabo-stando, which done, he was content, and sought no more. This is certified by the Testimony of the great Hebrew Captain Philosopher Moyses, who affirmeth, That he fenced that Member with a brave and gallant Codpiece, most exquisitely framed, and by right curious Devices of a notably pregnant Invention, made up and com∣posed of Fig-tree-leaves, which by reason of their solid stiffness, incisory notches, curled frisling, sleeked smoothness, large ampleness, together with their colour, smell, vertue, and faculty, were exceed∣ing proper, and fit for the covering and arming of the Sachels of Generation, the hideously big Lorram Cullions being from thence only excepted; which swaggring down to the lowermost bottom of the Breeches, cannot abide (for being quite out of all order and method) the stately fashion of the high and lofty Codpiece; as is manifest, by the Noble Valentin Vi∣ardiere, whom I found at Nancie, on the First Day of May (the more flauntingly

to gallantrize it afterwards) rubbing his Ballocks, spread out upon a Table after the manner of a Spanish Cloak. Where∣fore it is, that none should henceforth say, who would not speak improperly, when any Country-Bumpkin hyeth to the Wars, Have a care, (my Roysters, of the Wine-pot, that is the Scull, but have a care (my Royster) of the Milk-pot; that is, the Testicles. By the whole Rabble of the horned Fiends of Hell, the Head being cut off, that single Person only thereby dieth: but if the Ballocks be marred, the whole Race of Humane Kind would forthwith perish, and be lost for ever.

This was the motive which incited the goodly Writer Galen, Lib. 1. De Spermate, to aver with boldness, That it were better (that is to say, a less evil) to have no Heart at all, than to be quite destitute of Genitories: for there is laid up, conserved, and put in store, as in a Secessive Repository, and Sacred Warehouse, the Semenae, and Ori∣ginal Source of the whole Off-spring of Mankind. Therefore would I be apt to believe, for less than a hundred Franks, that those are the very same Stones, by means whereof Deucalion and Pyrrha resto∣red the Humane Race, in peopling with Men and Women the World, which a little before that, had been drowned in

the overflowing Waves of a Poetical Deluge. This stirred up the valiant Iu∣stinian, L. 1.4. De Cagotis tollendis, to collocate his Summum Bonum, in Bra∣guibus, & Braguetis. For this, and other Causes, the Lord Humphry de Merville, following of his King to a certain War∣like Expedition, whilst he was in trying upon his own Person a new Suit of Ar∣mour, for of his old rusty Harness he could make no more use, by reason that some few Years since, the Skin of his Belly was a great way removed from his Kidneys, his Lady thereupon in the pro∣found musing of a contemplative Spirit, very maturely considering that he had but small care of the Staff of Love, and Packet of Marriage, seeing he did no otherways arm that part of the Body, then with Links of Mail, advised him to shield, fence, and gabionate it with a big tilting Helmet, which she had lying in her Closet, to her otherways utterly unprofitable. On this Lady was penned these subsequent Verses; which are ex∣tant in the Third Book of the Shi••brana of paultry Wenches.

When Yoland saw her Spouse, equipt for Fight, And, save the Codpiece, all in Armour dight, My Dear, she cry'd, Why, pray, of all the rest Is that expos'd, you know I love the best? Was she to blame for an ill-manag'd fear? Or rather pious, conscionable Care: Wise Lady, She! in hurly-burly Fight, Can any tell where random Blows may hit?

Leave off then (Sir) from being astonish∣ed, and wonder no more at this new manner of decking and trimming up of my self as you now see me.

CHAP. IX. How Panurge asketh Counsel of Panta∣gruel whether he should marry, Yea, or No.

TO this Pantagruel replying nothing, Panurge prosecuted the Discourse he had already broached, and therewithal fetching, as far from the bottom of his Heart, a very deep sigh, said, My Lord and Master, you have heard the Design I am upon, which is to marry, if by some disastrous mischance, all the Holes in the World be not shut up, stopped, closed, and bush'd. I humbly beseech you for the Af∣fection which of a long time you have born me, to give me your best Advice therein. Then (answered Pantagruel) seeing you have so decreed, taken deliberation there∣on, and that the matter is fully determined, what need is there of any further Talk thereof, but forthwith to put it into exe∣cution what you have resolved. Yea, but (quoth Panurge) I would be loath to act any thing therein without your Counsel

had thereto. It is my Judgment also (quoth Pantagruel) and I advise you to it. Never∣theless (quoth Panurge) if I understood a∣right that it were much better for me to remain a Batchellor as I am, than to run headlong upon new hair-brain'd Under∣takings of Conjugal Adventure, I would rather choose not to marry, quoth Pan∣tagruel. Then do not marry. Yea, but (quoth Panurge) would you have me so so∣litarily drive out the whole Course of my Life, without the Comfort of a Matrimo∣nial Consort? You know it is written, Vae soli, and a single Person is never seen to reap the Joy and Solace that is found with married Folks. Then marry, in the Name of God, quoth Pantagruel. But if (quoth Panurge) my Wife should make me a Cuckold; as it is not unknown unto you, how this hath been a very plentiful Year in the production of that kind of Cattel; I would fly out, and grow impatient, be∣yond all measure and mean. I love Cuc∣kolds with my Heart, for they seem unto me to be of a right honest Conversation, and I, truly, do very willingly frequent their Company: but should I die for it, I would not be one of their number, that is a Point for me of a two-sore prickling Point. Then do not marry (quoth Pan∣tagruel) for without all controversie, this

Sentence of Seneca is infallibly true, What thou to others shalt have done, others will do the like to thee. Do you (quoth Panurge) aver that without all exceptions? Yes, truly, (quoth Pantagruel) without all ex∣ception. Ho, ho (says Panurge) by the Wrath of a little Devil, his meaning is, either in this World, or in the other, which is to come. Yet seeing I can no more want a Wife, then a blind Man his Staff, the Funnel must be in agitation, without which manner of Occupation I cannot live. Were it not a great deal better for me to apply and associate my self to some one honest, lovely, and vertuous Woman, then (as I do) by a new change of Females every Day, run a hazard of being Bastinadoed, or (which is worse) of the Great Pox, if not of both toge∣ther: For never (be it spoken, by their Husbands leave and favour) had I en∣joyment yet of an honest Woman. Mar∣ry then in God's Name, quoth Panta∣gruel. But if (quoth Panurge) it were the Will of God, and that my Destiny did unluckily lead me to marry an ho∣nest Woman who should beat me, I would be stor'd with more than two third parts of the Patience of Iob, if I were not stark mad by it, and quite di∣stracted with such rugged Dealings: for

it hath been told me, that those exceed∣ing honest Women have ordinarily very wicked Head-pieces; therefore is it that their Family lacketh not for good Vi∣negar. Yet in that case should it go worse with me, if I did not then in such sort bang her Back and Breast, so thump∣ingly bethwack her Gillets, to wit, her Arms, Legs, Head, Lights, Liver, and Milt, with her other Intrails, and man∣gle, jag, and slash her Coats, so after the Cross billet fashion, that the greatest Devil of Hell should wait at the Gate for the reception of her damned Soul. I could make a shift for this Year to wave such molestation and disquiet, and be content to lay aside that trouble, and not to be engaged in it.

Do not marry then, answered Panta∣gruel. Yea, but (quoth Panurge) consi∣dering the Condition wherein I now am, out of Debt and Unmarried; mark what I say, free from all Debt, in an ill hour (for were I deeply on the Score, my Cre∣ditors would be but too careful of my Paternity) but being quit, and not mar∣ried, no Body will be so regardful of me, or carry towards me a Love like that which is said to be in a Conjugal Affecti∣on. And if by some mishap I should fall sick, I would be lookt to very waywardly.

The wise Man saith, Where there is no Woman (I mean the Mother of a Family, and Wife in the Union of a lawful Wed∣lock) the Crazy and Diseased are in danger of being ill used, and of having much brab∣ling and strife about them: as by clear Ex∣perience hath been made apparent in the Persons of Popes, Legates, Cardinals▪ Bi∣shops, Abbots, Priors, Priests and Monks: but there, assure your self, you shall not find me. Marry then in the Name of God, answered Pantagruel. But if (quoth Panurge) being ill at ease, and possibly thrô that Distemper, made unable to discharge the Matrimonial Duty that is incumbent to an active Husband, my Wife, impati∣ent of that drooping Sickness, and faint Fits, of a pining Languishment, should abandon and prostitute herself to the Em∣braces of another Man, and not only then not help and assist me in my ex∣tremity and need, but withal f••out at, and make sport of that my grievous Di∣stress and Calamity; or peradventure, (which is worse) imbezzle my Goods, and steal from me, as I have seen it often∣times befal unto the lot of many other Men, it were enough to undo me utterly, to fill brimfull the Cup of my Misfortune, and make me play the Mad-pate Reeks of Bedlam. Do not marry then (quoth

Pantagruel). Yea, but (saith Panurge) I shall never by any other means come to have lawful Sons and Daughters, in whom I may harbour some hope of perpetuating my Name and Arms, and to whom also I may leave and bequeath my Inheritan∣ces and purchased Goods, (of which lat∣ter sort you need not doubt, but that in some one or other of these Mornings, I will make a fair and goodly show) that so I may chear up and make merry, when otherways I should be plunged into a pie∣vish sullen Mood of pensive sullenness, as I do perceive daily by the gentle and lo∣ving Carriage of your kind and gracious Father towards you; as all honest Folks use to do at their own Homes, and private Dwelling-houses. For being free from Debt, and yet not married, if casually I should fret and be angry, although the cause of my Grief and Displeasure were never so just, I am afraid instead of Conso∣lation, that I should meet with nothing else but Scoffs, Frumps, Gibes, and Mocks at my disastrous Fortune. Marry then in the Name of God, quoth Pantagruel.

CHAP. X. How Pantagruel representeth unto Pa∣nurge the difficulty of giving Advice in the matter of Marriage; and to that purpose mentioneth somewhat of the Homerick and Virgilian Lotte∣ries.

YOur Counsel (quoth Panurge) under your Correction and Favour, seem∣eth unto me not unlike to the Song of Gammer Yeabynay; it is full of Sarcasms, Mockqueries, bitter Taunts, nipping Bobs, derisive Quips, biting Jerks, and contradictory Iterations, the one part de∣stroying the other. I know not (quoth Pantagruel) which of all my Answers to lay hold on; for your Proposals are so full of ifs and buts, that I can ground no∣thing on them, nor pitch upon any solid and positive Determination satisfactory to what is demanded by them. Are not you assured within your self of what you have a mind to? the chief and main point of the whole matter lieth there; all the rest

is meerly casual, and totally dependeth upon the fatal Disposition of the Hea∣vens.

We see some so happy in the fortune of this Nuptial Encounter, that their Fa∣mily shineth (as it were) with the radiant Effulgency of an Idea, Model or Repre∣sentation of the Joys of Paradice; and perceive others again to be so unluckily match'd in the Conjugal Yoak, that those very basest of Devils, which tempt the Hermits that inhabit the Deserts of The∣baida and Montserrat, are not more mise∣rable than they. It is therefore expedient, seeing you are resolved for once to take a trial of the state of Marriage, that, with shut Eyes, bowing your Head, and kis∣sing the Ground, you put the business to a Venture, and give it a fair hazard in recommending the success of the residue to the disposure of Almighty God. It lieth not in my power to give you any other manner of Assurance, or otherways to certifie you of what shall ensue on this your Undertaking. Nevertheless (if it please you) this you may do, Bring hi∣ther Virgil's Poems, that after having o∣pened the Book, and without Fingers se∣ver'd the Leaves thereof three several times, we may, according to the num∣ber agreed upon betwixt our selves, ex∣plore

the future Hap of your intended Marriage: For frequently, by a Homerick Lottery, have many hit upon their De∣stinies; as is testified in the Person of So∣crates, who, whilst he was in Prison, hear∣ing the Recitation of this Verse of Ho∣mer said of Achilles, in the Ninth of the Iliads,

〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉.

We, the third day, to fertile Pthia came.

Thereby foresaw that on the third subse∣quent day he was to die: Of the truth whereof he assured Aschines, as Plato, in Critone; Cicero, in primo de Divinatione; Diogines Laertius, and others, have to the full recorded in their Works. The like is also witnessed by Opilius Macrinus, to whom, being desirous to know if he should be the Roman Emperor, befell, by chance of Lot, this Sentence in the eighth of the Iliads,

〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉, 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉.

Dotard, new Warriours urge thee to be gone. Thy Life decays, and old Age weighs thee down.

In Fact, he being then somewhat An∣cient, had hardly enjoyed the Sovereignty of the Empire for the space of Fourteen Months, when by Heliogabulus (then both young and strong) he was disposess'd thereof, thrust out of all, and killed. Brutus also doth bear witness of another Experi∣ment of this nature, who willing, through this exploratory way by Lot, to learn what the Event and Issue should be of the Phar∣salian Battel, wherein he perished, he ca∣sually encountred on this Verse, said of Patroclus in the Sixteenth of the Iliads,

〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉.

Fate, and Latona's Son have shot me dead.

And accordingly Apollo was the Field∣word in the dreadful Day of that Fight. Divers notable things of old have like∣ways been foretold and known by casting of Virgilian Lots; yea, in matters of no less importance than the obtaining of the Roman Empire, as it happened to Alexan∣der Severus, who trying his Fortune at the said kind of Lottery, did hit upon this Verse written in the Sixth of the Aeneids,

Tu regere imperio populos Romane momento.

Know, Roman, that thy business is to Reign.

He within very few years thereafter was effectually and in good earnest created and installed Roman Emperor. A sem∣blable Story thereto is related of Adrian, who being hughly perplexed within him∣self, out of a longing Humour to know in what Accompt he was with the Em∣peror Trajan, and how large the measure of that Affection was which he did bear unto him, had recourse after the manner above specified, to the Maronian Lottery, which by hap hazard tender'd him these Lines out of the Sixth of the Aeneids,

Quis procul ille autem ramis insignis olivae Sacra ferens? nosco crines incana{que} menta Regis Romani.

But who is he, conspicuous from afar, With Olive Boughs, that doth his Offerings bear? By the white Hair and Beard I know him plain, The Roman King.

Shortly thereafter was he adopted by Tra∣jan, and succeeded to him in the Empire. Moreover to the Lot of the praise-wor∣thy Emperor Claudius befel this Line of Virgil, written in the Sixth of his Aeneids,

Tertia dum Latio regnantem viderit aestas,

Whilst the third Summer saw him Reign, a King In Latium.

And in effect he did not Reign a∣bove two years. To the said Claudian also, enquiring concerning his Brother Quintilius, whom he proposed as a Col∣league with himself in the Empire, hap∣ned the Responce following in the sixth of the Aeneids,

Ostendent terris hunc tantum fata.

—Whom Fate let us see, And would no longer suffer him to be.

And it so fell out; for he was killed on the Seventeenth day after he had attained unto the management of the Emperial Charge. The very same Lot also, with the like misluck, did betide the Emperor

Gordian the younger. To Claudius Albi∣nus, being very sollicitous to understand somewhat of his future Adventures, did occur this Saying, which is written in the sixth of the Aeneids,

Hic rem Romanam magno turbante tumultu Sistet Eques, &c.

The Romans boyling with tumultuous rage, This Warriour shall the dangerous Storm asswage: With Victories he the Carthaginian mawls, And with strong hand shall crush the Rebel Gauls.

Likeways when the Emperor D. Claudi∣us, Aurelian's Predecessor▪ did with great eagerness research after the Fate to come of his Posterity, his hap was to alight on this Verse in the first of the Aeneids,

Hic ego nec metas rerum, nec tempore pono.

No bounds are to be set, no limits here.

Which was fulfilled by the goodly Gene∣alogical Row of his Race. When Mr. Pe∣ter Amy did in like manner explore and make trial, if he should escape the Am∣bush of the Hobgoblins, who lay in wait

all-to-bemawl him, he fell upon this Verse in the third of the Aeneids,,

Hugh fuge credules terras, fuge Littus ava∣rum!

Oh flee the bloody Land, the wicked Shoar!

Which Counsel he obeying, safe and sound forthwith avoided all these Ambuscades.

Were it not to shun Prolixity, I could enumerate a thousand such like Adven∣tures, which conform to the Dictate and Verdict of the Verse, have by that man∣ner of Lot-casting encounter befallen to the curious Researchers of them. Do not you nevertheless imagine, lest you should be deluded, that I would upon this kind of Fortune flinging Proof infer an uncon∣trolable, and not to be gainsaid Infallibility▪ of Truth.

CHAP. XI. How Pantagruel sheweth the Trial of ones Fortune by the throwing of Dice to be unlawful.

IT would be sooner done (quoth Pa∣nurge) and more expeditely, if we should trie the matter at the chance of three fair Dice. (Quoth Pantagruel) that sort of Lottery is deceitful, abusive, illici∣tous, and exceedingly scandalous; never trust in it; the accursed Book of the Recreation of Dice was a great while ago excogitated in Achaia near Bourre, by that ancient Enemy to Mankind, the Infernal Calumniator, who before the Statue or Massive Image of the Bourraick Hercules, did of old, and doth in several places of the World as yet, make many simple Souls to err and fall into his Snares. You know how my Father Gargantua hath forbidden it over all his Kingdoms and Dominions; how he hath caused burn the Moulds and Draughts thereof, and altogether suppres∣sed, abolished, driven forth and cast it out

of the Land, as a most dangerous Plague and Infection to any well-polished State or Commonwealth. What I have told you of Dice, I say the same of the Play at Cockall. It is a Lottery of the like Guile and Deceitfulness; and therefore do not for convincing of me, alledge in oppositi∣on to this my Opinion, or bring in the Example of the fortunate Cast of Teberi∣us, within the Fountain of Appona, at the Oracle of Gerion. These are the bait∣ed Hooks by which the Devil attracts and draweth unto him the foolish Souls of silly People into eternal Perdition.

Nevertheless to satisfie your Humour in some measure, I am content you throw three Dice upon this Table, that accord∣ing to the number of the Blots which shall happen to be cast up, we may hit upon a Verse of that Page, which in the setting open of the Book you shall have pitched upon.

Have you any Dice in your Pocket? A whole Bag full, answered Panurge, that is Provision against the Devil, as is ex∣pounded by Merlin Coccajus, Lib. 2. De Patria Diabolorum, the Devil would be sure to take me napping; and very much at un∣awares, if he should find me without Dice. With this the three Dice being taken out, produced and thrown, they fell so pat

upon the lower Points, that the Cast was Five, Six and Five. These are (quoth Pa∣nurge) Sixteen in all. Let us take the Six∣teenth Line of the Page, the number pleaseth me very well; I hope we shall have a prosperous and happy Chance. May I be thrown amidst all the Devils of Hell, even as a great Bowl cast athwart at a Set of Nine Pins, or Cannon-ball shot among a Batalion of Foot, in case so ma∣ny times I do not boult my future Wife the first Night of our Marriage. Of that, forsooth, I make no doubt at all: (quoth Pantagruel) You needed not to have rap∣ped forth such a horrid Imprecation, the sooner to procure Credit for the Perfor∣mance of so small a business, seeing possi∣bly the first Bout will be amiss, and that you know is usually at Tennis called Fif∣teen. At the next justling Turn you may readily amend that Fault, and so compleat your Reckoning of Sixteen. Is it so (quoth Panurge) that you understand the matter? and must my Words be thus interpreted? Nay, believe me, never yet was any So∣lecism committed by that valiant Champi∣on, who often hath for me in Belly-dale stood Centry at the Hypogastrian Crany. Did you ever hitherto find me in the Confraternity of the Faulty? Never, I trow; never, nor ever shall, for ever and

a day. I do the Feat like a goodly Friar, or Father Confessor without Default: And therein am I willing to be judged by the Players. He had no sooner spoke these Words, than the Works of Virgil were brought in: But before the Book was laid open, Panurge said to Pantagruel, My Heart, like the Furch of a Hart in Rut, doth beat within my Breast. Be pleased to feel and grope my Pulse a lit∣tle on this Artery of my Left Arm; at its frequent Rise and Fall you would say that they swinge and belabour me after the manner of a Probationer posed, and put to a peremptory Trial in the Examination of his Sufficiency for the Discharge of the Learned Duty of a Graduate in some Eminent Degree in the Colledge of the Sorbonists.

But would not you hold it expedient, before we proceeded any further, that we should invocate Hercules and the Teni∣tian. Goddesses, who in the Chamber of Lots are said to Rule, sit in Judgment, and bear a Presidential Sway? Neither him nor them, (answered Pantagruel) only o∣pen up the Leaves of the Book with your Fingers, and set your Nails awork.

CHAP. XII. How Pantagruel doth explore by the Virgilian Lottery what Fortune Pa∣nurge shall have in his Marriage.

THen at the opening of the Book in the Sixteenth Row of the Lines of the disclosed Page, did Panurge encounter upon this following Verse:

Nec Deus hunc mensa Dea nec Dignata cubili est.

The God him from his Table banished, Nor would the Goddess have him in her Bed.

This Response (quoth Pantagruel) ma∣keth not very much for your benefit or advantage: for it plainly signifies and de∣noteth, that your Wife shall be a Strum∣pet, and your self by consequence a Cuc∣kold; the Goddess, whom you shall not find propitious nor favourable unto you, is Minerva, a most redoubtable and dread∣ful

Virgin, a powerful and fulminating Goddess, an Enemy to Cuckolds, and ef∣feminate Youngsters, to Cuckold-makers and Adulterers: the God is Iupiter, a terrible and Thunder-striking God from Heaven; and withal, it is to be remarked, that conform to the Doctrine of the anci∣ent Hetrurians, the Manubes (for so did they call the darting Hurls, or slinging Casts of the Vulcanian Thunderbolts) did on∣ly appertain to her, and to Iupiter her Fa∣ther Capital. This was verified in the Conflagration of the Ships of Ajax Oileus, nor doth this fulminating Power belong to any other of the Olympick Gods; Men therefore stand not in such fear of them. Moreover, I will tell you, and you may take it as extracted out of the profoundest Mysteries of Mythology, that when the Giants had enterprized the waging of a War against the Power of the Coelestial Orbs, the Gods at first did laugh at those Attempts, and scorn'd such despicable Enemies, who were in their conceit, not strong enough to cope in Feats of Warfare with their Pages: but when they saw by the Gigantine labour the high Hill Pelion set on lofty Ossa, and that the Mount O∣lympus was made shake to be erected on the top of both.

Then was it that Iupiter held a Parlia∣ment, or General Convention, wherein it was unanimously resolved upon, and condescended to by all the Gods, that they should worthily and valiantly stand to their Defence. And because they had often seen Battles lost by the cumbersome lets and disturbing incumbrances of Wo∣men, confusedly hudled in amongst Ar∣mies, it was at that time Decreed and Enacted, That they should expel and drive out of Heaven into Aegypt, and the Confines of Nile, that whole Crue of Goddesses disguized in the shapes of Wee∣zils, Polcats, Bats, Shrew-Mice, Ferrets, Fulmarts, and other such like odd Trans∣formations, only Minerva was reserved to participate with Iupiter in the horrifick fulminating Power; as being the Goddess both of War and Learning, of Arts and Arms, of Counsel and Dispatch; a God∣dess armed from her Birth, a Goddess dreaded in Heaven, in the Air, by Sea and Land. By the Belly of Saint Buff (quoth Panurge) should I be Vulcan, whom the Poet blazons! Nay, I am neither a Cripple, Coyner of false Money, nor Smith as he was.

My Wife possibly will be as comely and handsome as ever was his Venus, but not a Whore like her, nor I a Cuckold like him.

The crook-leg'd slovenly Slave, made himself to be declared a Cuckold by a de∣finitive Sentence, and Judgment, in the open view of all the Gods: for this cause ought you to interpret the aforemention∣ed Verse quite contrary to what you have said. This Lot importeth, that my Wife will be honest, vertuous, chast, loyal, and faithful; not armed, surly, waiward, cross, giddy, humorous, heady, hair∣brain'd, or extracted out of the Brains, as was the Goddess Pallas: nor shall this fair jolly Iupiter be my Corrival, he shall ne∣ver dip his Bread in my Broath, though we should sit together at one Table.

Consider his Exploits and gallant Acti∣ons, he was the manifest Ruffian, Wen∣cher, Whoremonger, and most infamous Cuckold-maker that ever breathed: he did always lecher it like a Boar, and no wonder, for he was foster'd by a Sow in the Isle of Candia, (if Agathocles the Baby∣lonian be not a Lyar) and more rammish∣ly lascivious then a Buck, whence it is that he is said by others, to have been suckled and fed with the Milk of the A∣malthaean Goat. By the vertue of Acheron, he jusled, bulled, and lastauriated in one day the third part of the World, Beasts and People, Floods and Mountains, that was Europa.

For this grand subagitatory Atchieve∣ment, the Animonians caused, draw, delineate, and paint him in the figure and shape of a Ram, ramming, and horn∣ed Ram. But I know well enough how to shield and preserve my self from that horned Champion: he will not, trust me, have to deal in my Person, with a sottish, dunsical Amphytrion; nor with a silly wit∣less Argus, for all his hundred Spectacles; nor yet with the cowardly Meacock A∣crisius; the simple Goosecap Lyrus of Thebes; the doating Blockhead Agenor; the flegmatick Pea-Goose Aesop; rough-footed Lycaon; the luskish mishapen Cory∣tus of Tuscany; nor with the large back'd and strong reined Atlas: let him alter, change, transform, and metamorphose himself into a hundred various shapes and figures; into a Swan, a Bull, a Satyr, a Showre of Gold, or into a Cuckow, as he did when he unmaiden'd his Sister Iu∣no; into an Eagle, Ram, or Dove, as when he was enamoured of the Virgin Phthia, who then dwelt in the Aegean Territory; into Fire, a Serpent; yea, even into a Flea, into Epicurian and Demo∣cratical Atomes, or more Magistronostralisti∣cally, into those sly Intentions of the Mind, which in ••he 〈…〉〈…〉 are called Second No∣••ions▪ 〈…〉〈…〉 in the nick, and take 〈…〉〈…〉

And would you know what I would do unto him, even that which to his Father Coelum, Saturn did, (Seneca foretold it of me, and Lactantius hath confirmed it) what the Goddess Rhea did to Athis; I would make him two Stone lighter, rid him of his Cyprian Cimbals, and cut so close and neatly by the Breech, that there should not remain thereof so much as one—, so cleanly would I shave him: and disable him for ever from being Pope; for Testiculos non habet. Hold there, said Pantagruel, Hoc, soft and fair (my Lad) enough of that, cast up, turn over the Leaves, and try your Fortune for the se∣cond time. Then did he fall upon this ensuing Verse.

Membra quatit, gelidusque coit formidine sanguis.

His Ioynts and Members quake, he becomes pale, And sudden Fear doth his cold Blood congeal.

This importeth (quoth Pantagruel) that she will soundly bang your Back and Belly. Clean and quite contrary (an∣swered Panurge) it is of me that he pro∣gnosticates, in saying that I will beat her like a Tyger, if she vex me. Sir Martin

Wagstaff will perform that Office, and in default of a Cudgel, the Devil gulp him, if I should not eat her up quick, as Can∣daul the Lydian King did his Wife, whom he ravened and devoured.

You are very stout, says Pantagruel, and couragious, Hercules himself durst hard∣ly adventure to scuffle with you in this your raging Fury: nor is it strange; for the Ian is worth two and two in fight against Hercules are too too strong. Am I a Ian? quoth Panurge. No, no, (an∣swered Pantagruel) my Mind was only running upon the lurch and tricktrack. Thereafter did he hit, at the third open∣ing of the Book, upon this Verse.

Faemineo Praedae, & spoliorum ardebat amore.

After the Spoil and Pillage (as in Fire) He burnt with a strong Feminine Desire.

This portendeth (quoth Pantagruel) that she will steal your Goods, and rob you. Hence this, according to these three drawn Lots, will be your future Destiny, (I clearly see it) you will be a Cuckold, you will be beaten, and you will be rob∣bed. Nay, it is quite otherways, (quoth Panurge) for it is certain that this Verse

Presageth, that she will love me with a Perfect liking: nor did the Satyr-writing Poet lye in proof hereof, when he affirm∣ed, That a Woman burning with extream Affection, takes sometimes pleasure to steal from her Sweetheart. And what I pray you? a Glove, a Point, or some such trifling Toy of no importance, to make him keep a gentle kind of stirring in the research and quest thereof: in like man∣ner these small scolding Debates, and petty brabling Contentions, which fre∣quently we see spring up, and for a certain space boyl very hot betwixt a couple of high-spirited Lovers, are nothing else but recreative Diversions for their refreshment, spurs to, and incentives of a more fervent Amity than ever. As for example: We do sometimes see Cutlers with Hammers mawl their finest Whetstones, therewith to sharpen their Iron Tools the better.

And therefore do I think, that these three Lots make much for my advantage; which if not, I from their Sentence total∣ly appeal. There is no appellation (quoth Pantagruel) from the Decrees of Fate or Destiny, of Lot or Chance: as is record∣ed by our ancient Lawyers, witness Bal∣dus, Lib. ult. Cap. de Leg. The reason hereof is, Fortune doth not acknowledge a Superiour, to whom an Appeal may be

made from her, or any of her Substitutes· And in this case the Pupil cannot be re∣stored to his Right in full, as openly by the said Author is alledged in L. ait praetor, Paragrult. H. de minor.

CHAP. XIII. How Pantagruel adviseth Panurge to try the future good or bad luck of his Marriage by Dreams.

NOW seeing we cannot agree toge∣ther in the manner of expounding or interpreting the Sense of the Virgilian Lots, let us bend our course another way, and try a new sort of Divination. Of what kind? (asked Panurge.) Of a good Ancient and and Authentick Fashion, (answered Pantagruel) it is by Dreams: For in Dreaming such Circumstances and Conditions being thereto adhibited, as are clearly enough described by Hip∣pocrates, in Lib. 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉, by Plato, Plo∣tin, Iamblicus, Sinesius, Aristotle, Xenophon, Galene, Plutarch, Artemidorus, Valdianus, He∣rophilus, G. Calaper, Theocritus, Pliny, Athe∣naeus,

and others, the Soul doth often times foresee what is to come.

How true this is, you may conceive by a very vulgar and familiar Example; as when you see that at such a time as Suck∣ling Babes, well nourished, fed and fo∣stred with good Milk, sleep soundly and profoundly, the Nurses in the interim get leave to sport themselves, and are li∣centiated to recreate their Fancies at what Range to them shall seem most fitting and expedient; their Presence, Sedulity and Attendance on the Cradle being, during all that space, held unnecessary.

Even just so, when our Body is at rest, that the Concoction is every where ac∣complished, and that, till it awake, it lacks for nothing, our Soul delighteth to disport it self, and is well-pleased in that Frolick to take a review of its Native Country, which is the Heavens, where it receiveth a most notable Participation of its first beginning with an Imbuement from its Divine Source, and in Contem∣plation of that Infinite and Intellectual Sphere, whereof the Center is every where, and the Circumference in no place of the universal World, to wit, God, according to the Doctrine of Hermes Tris∣megistus, to whom no new thing hapneth, whom nothing that is past escapeth, and

unto whom all things are alike present, remarketh not only what is preterit, and gone in the inferiour Course and Agitati∣on of sublunary matters, but withal taketh notice what is to come; then bringing a Relation of those future Events unto the Body by the outward Senses and exterior Organs, it is divulged abroad unto the hearing of others. Whereupon the Own∣er of that Soul deserveth to be termed a Vatiemator, or Prophet.

Nevertheless the truth is, that the Soul is seldom able to report those things in such Sincerity as it hath seen them, by reason of the Imperfection and Frailty of the Corporeal Senses, which obstruct the effectuating of that Office; even as the Moon doth not communicate unto this Earth of ours that Light which she re∣ceiveth from the Sun with so much Splen∣dor, Heat, Vigour, Purity and Liveliness as it was given her. Hence it is requi∣site for the better reading, explaining and unfolding of these Somniatory Vaticiations and Predictions of that nature, that a dexterous, learned, skilful, wise, industri∣ous, expert, rational and peremptory Ex∣pounder or Interpreter be pitched upon, such a one as by the Greeks is called Oni∣rocrit, or Oniropolist.

For this cause Heraclitus was wont to say, that nothing is by Dreams revealed to us, that nothing is by Dreams conceal∣ed from us, and that only we thereby have a mystical Signification and secret Evidence of things to come, either for own prosperous or unlucky Fortune, or for the favourable or disastrous Success of another. The Sacred Scriptures testifie no less, and profane Histories assure us of it, in both which are exposed to our view a thousand several kinds of strange Adventures, which have befallen pat according to the nature of the Dream, and that as well to the Party Dreamer as to others. The Atlantick People, and those that inhabit the Land of Thasos, (one of the Cyclades) are of this grand Commodity deprived; for in their Coun∣tries none yet ever dreamed. Of this sort Cleon of Daulia, Thrasymedes; and in our days the Learned Frenchman Villa∣novanus, neither of all which knew what Dreaming was.

Fail not therefore to morrow, when the jolly and fair Aurora with her rosie Fin∣gers draweth aside the Curtains of the Night, to drive away the sable Shades of Darkness, to bend your Spirits wholly to the task of sleeping sound, and thereto ap∣ply your self. In the mean while you

must denude your Mind of every Hu∣mane Passion or Affection, such as are Love and Hatred, Fear and Hope; for as of old the great Vaticinator, most fa∣mous and renowned Prophet Proteus was not able in his Disguise or Transformation into Fire, Water, a Tyger, a Dragon, and other such like uncouth Shapes and Visors to presage any thing that was to come, till he was restored to his own first natu∣ral and kindly Form. Just so doth Man; for at his reception of the Art of Divi∣nation, and Faculty of prognosticating future things, that part in him which is the most Divine, (to wit, the 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉, or Mens) must be calm, peaceable, untroubled, quiet, still, husht, and not imbusied or distracted with Foreign, Soul-disturbing Preturbati∣ons. I am content, (quoth Panurge.) But I pray you, Sir, must I this Evening, e're I go to Bed, eat much or little? I do not ask this without Cause: For if I sup not well, large, round and amply, my sleeping is not worth a forked Turnep; all the Night long I then but dose and rave, and in my slumbering Fits talk idle Nonsence, my Thoughts being in a dull brown Stu∣dy, and as deep in their Dumps as is my Belly hollow.

Not to sup (answered Pantagruel) were best for you, considering the state of your Complexion, and healthy Consti∣tution of your Body. A certain very an∣cient Prophet named Amphiaraus, wished such as had a mind by Dreams to be im∣bued with any Oracles, for Four and Twenty Hours to taste no Victuals, and to abstain from Wine three days together; yet shall not you be put to such a sharp, hard, rigorous and extream sparing Diet.

I am truly right apt to believe, that a Man whose Stomach is repleat with va∣rious Cheer, and in a manner surfeited with drinking, is hardly able to conceive aright of Spiritual things; yet am not I of the Opinion of those, who after long and pertinacious Fastings, think by such means to enter more profoundly into the Speculation of Celestial Mysteries. You may very well remember how my Father Gargantua, (whom here for Honour sake I name) hath often told us, that the Wri∣tings of abstinent, abstemious, and long-fasting Hermits, were every whit as salt∣less, dry, jejune and insipid, as were there Bodies when they did compose them. It is a most difficult thing for the Spirits to be in a good plight, serene and lively, when there is nothing in the Body but a kind of Voidness and Inanity: Seeing

the Philosophers with the Physicians joint∣ly affirm, that the Spirits which are styled Animal, spring from, and have their con∣stant practice in, and through the Arteri∣al Blood, refin'd and purify'd to the Life within the admirable Net, which wonder∣fully framed lieth under the Ventricles and Tunnels of the Brain. He gave us al∣so the Example of the Philosopher, who, when he thought most seriously to have withdrawn himself unto a solitary Privacy, far from the rusling clutterments of the tu∣multuous and confused World, the better to improve his Theory, to contrive, com∣ment and ratiocinate, was, notwithstand∣ing his uttermost endeavours to free himself from all untoward noises, surrounded and environ'd about so with the barking of Currs, bawling of Mastiffs, bleating of Sheep, prating of Parrets, tatling of Jack∣daws, grunting of Swine, girning of Boars, yelping of Foxes, mewing of Cats, cheeping of Mice, squeaking of Weasils, croaking of Frogs, crowing of Cocks, kekling of Hens, calling of Partridges, chanting of Swans, chattering of Jays, peeping of Chickens, singing of Larks, creaking of Geese, chirping of Swallows, clucking of Moorfowls, cucking of Cuc∣kows, bumling of Bees, rammage of Hawks, chi••ming of Linots, croaking of

Ravens, screeching of Owls, whicking of Pigs, gushing of Hogs, curring of Pigeons, grumbling of Cushet-doves, howling of Panthers, curkling of Quails, chirping of Sparrows, crackling of Crows, nuzzing of Camels, wheening of Whelps, buzzing of Dromedaries, mumbling of Rabets, cricking of Ferrets, humming of Wasps, mioling of Tygers, bruzzing of Bears, sussing of Kitnings, clamring of Scarfes, whimpring of Fullmarts, boing of Buffalos, warbling of Nightingales, qua∣vering of Meavises, drintling of Turkies, coniating of Storks, frantling of Peacocks, clattering of Mag-pyes, murmuring of Stock-doves, crouting of Cormorants, cig∣ling of Locusts, charming of Beagles, guarring of Puppies, snarling of Messens, rantling of Rats, guerieting of Apes, snut∣tering of Monkies, pioling of Pelicanes, quecking of Ducks, yelling of Wolves, roaring of Lions, neighing of Horses, crying of Elephants, hissing of Serpents, and wailing of Turtles, that he was much more troubled, than if he had been in the middle of the Crowd at the Fair of Fontenoy or Niort.

Just so is it with those who are tormen∣ted with the grievous pangs of Hunger; the Stomach begins to gnaw, (and bark as it were) the Eyes to look dim, and the

Veins, by greedily sucking some refection to themselves from the proper substance of all the Members of a Fleshy Consistence; violently pull down and draw back that vagrant, roaming Spirit, careless and ne∣glecting of his Nurse and natural Host, which is the Body. As when a Hawk up∣on the Fist, willing to take her Flight by a soaring aloft into the open spacious Air, is on a sudden drawn back by a Leash tied to her Feet.

To this purpose also did he alledge un∣to us the Authority of Homer, the Father of all Philosophy, who said, that the Grecians did not put an end to their mournful mood for the Death of Patroclus, the most intimate Friend of Achilles, till Hunger in a rage declared her self, and their Bellies protested to furnish no more Tears unto their Grief. For from Bodies emptied and mecerated by long Fasting, there could not be such supply of Moi∣sture and brackish Drops, as might be pro∣per on that occasion.

Mediocrity at all times is commen∣dable; nor in this case are you to aban∣don it. You may take a little Supper, but thereat must you not eat of a Hare, nor of any other Flesh: You are likewise to abstain from Beans, from the Preak, (by some called the Polyp) as also from Cole∣worts,

Cabbidge, and all other such like windy Victuals, which may endanger the troubling of your Brains, and the dim∣ning or casting a kind of Mist over your Animal Spirits: For as a Looking-glass cannot exhibit the Semblance or Repre∣sentation of the Object set before it, and exposed, to have its Image to the life ex∣pressed, if that the polish'd sleekedness thereof be darken'd by gross Breathings, dampish Vapours, and foggy, thick, in∣fectious Exhalations; even so the Fancy cannot well receive the impression of the likeness of those things, which Divinati∣on doth afford by Dreams, if any way the Body be annoyed or troubled with the fumish Steam of Meat, which it had ta∣ken in a while before; because betwixt these two there still hath been a mutual Sympathy and Fellow-••eeling, of an in∣dissolubly knit Affection. You shall eat good Eusebian and Bergamot-Pears▪ one Apple of the short-shank Pepin-kind, a parcel of the little Plums of Tours, and some few Cherries of the growth of my Orchard: Nor shall you need to fear, that thereupon will ensue doubtful Dreams, fal∣lacious, uncertain, and not to be trusted to, as by some Peripatetick Philosophers hath been related; for that, say they, Men do more copiously in the Season of

Harvest feed on Fruitages, then at any other time. The same is mystically taught us by the ancient Prophets and Poets, who alledge, That all vain and deceitful Dreams lie hid and in covert, under the Leaves which are spread on the ground: by reason that the Leaves fall from the Trees, in the Autumnal Quarter: for the natural fer∣vour, which abounding in ripe, fresh, recent Fruits, cometh by the quickness of its ebullition, to be with ease evapora∣ted into the Animal parts of the dream∣ing Person (the Experiment is obvious in most) is a pretty while before it be expi∣red, dissolved, and evanished. As for your Drink, you are to have it of the fair, pure Water of my Fountain.

The Condition (quoth Panurge) is very hard: nevertheless, cost what price it will, or whatsoever come of it, I heartily condescend thereto; protesting, that I shall to morrow break my Fast betimes, after my somniatory Exercitations; fur∣thermore, I recommend my self to Ho∣mer's two Gates, to Morpheus, to Iselon, to Phautasus, and unto Phabetor. If they in this my great need succour me, and grant me that assistance which is fitting, I will, in honour of them all, erect a jolly, gentiel Altar, composed of the softest Down. If I were now in Laconia, in the Temple of

Iuno, betwixt Oetile and Thalamis, she suddenly would disintangle my Perplexity, resolve me of my Doubts, and chear me up with fair and jovial Dreams in a deep Sleep. Then did he say thus unto Pan∣tagruel: Sir, were it not expedient for my purpose, to put a Branch or two of curious Laurel betwixt the Quilt and Bol∣ster of my Bed, under the Pillow on which my Head must lean? There is no need at all of that (quoth Pantagruel) for besides that it is a thing very superstitious, the Cheat thereof hath been at large dis∣covered unto us, in the Writings of Sera∣pion, Ascalonites, Antiphon, Philochorus, Ar∣temon, and Fulgentius Placiades. I could say as much to you of the Left Shoulder of a Crocodile, as also of a Camelion, without prejudice be it spoken to the Credit which is due to the Opinion of old Democritus; and likewise of the Stone of the Bactrians, called Eumerites, and of the Hamonian Horn: for so by the Aethiopians is termed a certain precious Stone, colour∣ed like Gold, and in the fashion, shape, form, and proportion of a Ram's Horn, as the Horn of Iupiter Hammon is reported to have been: they over-and-above assu∣redly affirming, that the Dreams of those who carry it about them are no less veri∣••able and infallible, than the Truth of the

Divine Oracles. Nor is this much unlike to what Homer and Virgil wrote of these two Gates of Sleep: to which you have been pleased to recommend the manage∣ment of what you have in hand. The one is of Ivory, which setteth in confused, doubtful, and uncertain Dreams; for thro' Ivory, how small and slender it soever be, we can see nothing, the density, opacity, and close compactedness of its material parts, hindring the penetration of the vi∣sual Rays, and the reception of the Spe∣ciesses of such things as are visible: the other is of Horn, at which an entry is made to sure and certain Dreams, even as through Horn, by reason of the diapha∣nous splendour, and bright transparency thereof, the Species of all Objects of the sight distinctly pass, and so without con∣fusion appear, that they are clearly seen. Your meaning is, and you would thereby infer (quoth Fryar Iohn) that the Dreams of all horned Cuckolds (of which number Panurge, by the help of God, and his fu∣ture Wife, is without controversie to be one) are always true and infallible.

CHAP. XIV. Panurge's Dream, with the Interpreta∣tion thereof.

AT Seven a Clock of the next follow∣ing Morning, Panurge did not fail to present himself before Pantagruel, in whose Chamber were at that time Episte∣mon, Fryar Iohn of the Funnels, Ponocrates, Eudemon, Carpalin, and others, to whom, at the entry of Panurge, Pantagruel said, Lo, here cometh our Dreamer. That word (quoth Epistemon) in ancient times cost very much, and was dearly sold to the Children of Iacob. Then, said Panurge, I have been plunged into my dumps so deeply, as if I had been lodged with Gaf∣fer Noddy cap: dreamed indeed I have, and that right lustily; but I could take a long with me no more thereof, that I did goodly understand, save only, that I in my Vision had a pretty, fair, young, gal∣lant, handsome Woman, who no less lo∣vingly and kindly treated and entertained me, hugg'd, cherish'd, cocker'd, dandled,

and made much of me, as if I had been a∣nother neat dillidarling Minion, like Ado∣nis: never was Man more glad then I was then, my joy at that time was incompera∣ble; she flattred me, tickled me, stroaked me, groped me, frizled me, curled me, kissed me, embraced me, laid her Hands about my Neck, and now and then made jestingly, pretty little Horns above my Forehead: I told her in the like disport, as I did play the Fool with her, that she should rather place and fix them in a little below mine Eyes, that I might see the better what I should stick at, with them: for being so situated, Momus then would find no fault therewith, as he did once with the position of the Horns of Bulls. The wanton, toying Girl, notwithstand∣ing any remonstrance of mine to the con∣trary, did always drive and thrust them further in: yet thereby (which to me seemed wonderful) she did not do me a∣ny hurt at all. A little after, though I know not how, I thought I was trans∣form'd into a Tabor, and she into a Chough.

My sleeping there being interrupted, I awaked in a start, angry, displeased, per∣plexed, chafing, and very wroth. There have you a large-Platter-full of Dreams, make thereupon good Chear, and, if you

please, spare not to interpret them accord∣ing to the Understanding which you may have in them. Come Carpalin, let us to Breakfast. To my sence and meaning, (quoth Pantagruel) if I have skill or know∣ledge in the Art of Divination by Dreams, your Wife will not really, and to the out∣ward appearance of the World, plant, or set Horns, and stick them fast in your Forehead, after a visible manner, as Sa∣tyrs use to wear and carry them; but she will be so far from preserving herself Loy∣al in the discharge and observance of a Conjugal Duty, that on the contrary she will violate her plighted Faith, break her Marriage-Oath, infringe all Matrimonial Tyes, prostitute her Body to the Dalliance of other Men, and so make you a Cuckold. This point is clearly and manifestly ex∣plained and expounded by Artemidorus, just as I have related it. Nor will there be any metamorphosis, or transmutation made of you into a Drum, or Tabor, but you will surely be as soundly beaten as e're was Ta∣bor at a merry Wedding: nor yet will she be changed into a Chough, but will steal from you, chiefly in the Night, as is the nature of that thievish Bird. Hereby may you perceive your Dreams to be in every jot conform and agreeable to the Virgilian Lots: A Cuckold you will be, beaten

and robbed. Then cryed out Father Iohn with a loud Voice: He tells the truth; upon my Conscience, thou wilt be a Cuc∣kold, an honest one, I warrant thee; O the brave Horns that will be born by thee! Ha, ha, ha. Our good Master De Corni∣lius, God save thee, and shield thee; Wilt thou be pleased to preach but two words of a Sermon to us, and I will go through the Parish-Church to gather up Alms for the poor.

You are (quoth Panurge) very far mi∣staken in your Interpretation; for the mat∣ter is quite contrary to your sence thereof; my Dream presageth, that I shall by Mar∣riage be stored with plenty of all manner of Goods, the hornifying of me shewing, that I will possess a Cornucopia, that Amal∣thaean Horn, which is called, The Horn of Abundance, whereof the fruition did still portend the Wealth of the Enjoyer. You possibly will say, that they are rather like to be Satyrs Horns; for you of these did make some mention. Amen, Amen, Fiat siat, ad differentiam papae. Thus shall I have my Touch-her-home still ready; my Staff of Love sempiternally in a good case, will, Satyr-like, be never toyled out; a thing which all Men wish for, and send up their Prayers to that purpose, but such a thing as nevertheless is granted but to a few; hence

doth it follow by a consequence as clear as the Sun-beams, that I will never be in the danger of being made a Cuckold, for the defect hereof is, Causa sine qua non; yea, the sole cause (as many think) of making Husbands Cuckolds▪ What makes poor scoundrel Rogues to beg (I pray you)? Is it not because they have not enough at home, wherewith to fill their Bellies, and their Poaks. What is it makes the Wolves to leave the Woods? Is it not the want of Flesh Meat. What maketh Women Whores? you understand me well enough. And herein may I very well submit my Opinion to the Judgment of learned Law∣yers, Presidents, Counsellors, Advocates, Procurers, Attorneys, and other Glossers and Commentators on the venerable Ru∣brick, De Frigidis, & maleficiatis. You are in truth, Sir, as it seems to me (ex∣cuse my boldness if I have transgressed) in a most palpable and absurd Error, to attribute my Horns to Cuckoldry: Diana wears them on her Head after the manner of a Cressant, is she a Cuequean for that? How the Devil can she be cuckolded, who never yet was married? Speak some∣what more correctly, I beseech you, least she being offended, furnish you with a pair of Horns, shapen by the Pattern of those which she made for Actaeon. The

goodly Bacchus also carries Horns; Pan, Iupiter Hammon, with a great many o∣thers, are they all Cuckolds? If Iove be a Cuckold, Iuno is a Whore: this follows by the Figure Metalepsis. As to call a Child in the presence of his Father and Mother, a Bastard, or Whore's Son, is tacitly and under-board, no less than if he had said openly, the Father is a Cuc∣kold, and his Wife a Punk. Let our Di∣scourse come nearer to the purpose: The Horns that my Wife did make me are Horns of Abundance, planted and grafted in my Head for the increase and shooting up of all good things: this will I affirm for truth, upon my Word, and pawn my Faith and Credit both upon it; as for the rest, I will be no less joyful, frolick, glad, cheerful, merry, jolly, and gamesome then a well-bended Tabor in the Hands of a good Drummer, at a Nuptial Feast, still making a noise, still rowling, still buzzing and cracking. Believe me, Sir, in that consisteth none of my least good Fortunes. And my Wife will be jocund, feat, compt, neat, quaint, dainty, trim, trick'd up, brisk, smirk and smug, even as a pretty little Cornish Chough: who will not believe this, let Hell or the Gallows be the Burden of his Christmas Carol.

I remark (quoth Pantagruel) the last point or particle which you did speak of, and having seriously conferred it with the first, find that at the beginning you were delighted with the sweetness of your Dream; but in the end▪ and final closure of it, you startingly awaked, and on a sud∣den were forthwith vexed in Choler, and annoyed. Yea, (quoth Panurge) the rea∣son of that was, because I had fasted too long. Flatter not your self (quoth Panta∣gruel) all will go to ruine: know for a certain truth, that every Sleep that end∣eth with a starting, and leaves the Person irksome, grieved, and fretting, doth either signifie a present evil, or otherways pre∣sageth, and portendeth a future imminent mishap. To signifie an Evil, that is to say, to shew some Sickness hardly cura∣ble, a kind of pestilentious, or malignant Bile, Botch, or Sore, lying and lurking, hid, occult, and latent within the very Center of the Body, which many times doth by the means of Sleep (whose nature is to reinforce, and strengthen the Facul∣ty and Vertue of Concoction) begin ac∣cording to the Theorems of Physick to declare itself, and moves toward the out∣ward Superficies. At this sad stirring is the Sleeper's rest and ease disturbed and broken, whereof the first feeling and

stinging smart admonisheth, that he must patiently endure great pain and trouble, and thereunto provide some remedy: as when we say proverbially to incense Hor∣nets, to move a stinking Puddle, and to a∣wake a sleeping Lyon, instead of these more usual expressions, and of a more fa∣miliar and plain meaning, to provoke an∣gry Persons, to make a thing the worse by medling with it, and to irritate a testy cholerick Man when he is at quiet. On the other part, to presage or fore-tell an Evil, especially in what concerneth the Exploits of the Soul, in matter of Somnial Divinations, is as much to say, as that it giveth us to understand, that some dismal Fortune or Mischance is destinated and prepared for us, which shortly will not fail to come to pass. A clear and evident Ex∣ample hereof is to be found in the Dream, and dreadful awaking of Hecuba, as like∣wise in that of Euridice, the Wife of Or∣pheus, (neither of which was sooner finish∣ed, saith Cunius) but that incontinently thereafter they awaked in a start, and were affrighted horribly; thereupon these Accidents ensued, Hecuba had her Husband Priamus, together with her Children, slain before her eyes, and saw then the Destru∣ction of her Country; and Euridice died speedily thereafter, in a most miserable

manner. Aeneas dreaming that he spoke to Hector a little after his Decease, did on a sudden in a great start awake, and was a∣fraid: now hereupon did follow this event; Troy that same Night was spoil'd, sack'd, and burnt. At another time the same Aeneas, dreaming that he saw his familiar Geniuses and Penates, in a ghastly fright and astonish∣ment awaked, of which terrour and amaze∣ment the issue was, that the very next day subsequent, by a most horrible Tempest on the Sea, he was like to have perished, and been cast-away. Moreover, Turnus being prompted, instigated, and stirred up, by the fantastick Vision of an infernal Fury, to enter into a bloody War against Aeneas, awaked in a start much troubled and disquieted in Spirit, in sequel whereof, after many notable and famous Routs, De∣feats and Discomfitures in open Field, he came at last to be killed in a single Com∣bat, by the said Aeneas. A thousand other instances I could afford, if it were needful, of this matter. Whilst I relate these Sto∣ries of Aeneas, remark the saying of Fa∣bius Pictor, who faithfully averred, That nothing had at any time befallen unto, was done, or enterprized by him, where∣of he preallably had not Notice, and before∣hand fore seen it to the full, by sure Pre∣dictions, altogether founded on the Ora∣cles

of Somnial Divination. To this there is no want of pregnant Reasons, no more then of Examples: for if Repose and Rest in Sleeping be a special Gift and Favour of the Gods, as is maintained by the Phi∣losophers, and by the Poet attested in these Lines:

Then Sleep, that heavenly Gift, came to re∣fresh, Of humane Labourers, the wearied Flesh.

Such a Gift or Benefit can never finish or terminate in wrath and indignation, with∣out portending some unlucky Fate, and most disastrous Fortune to ensue; other∣ways it were a Molestation, and not an Ease; a Scourge and not a Gift, at least, proceeding from the Gods above, but from the infernal Devils our Enemies, according to the common vulgar Saying.

Suppose the Lord, Father, or Master of a Family, sitting at a very sumptuous Din∣ner, furnished with all manner of good Cheer, and having at his entry to the Ta∣ble his Appetite sharp set upon his Victu∣als, whereof there was great plenty, should be seen rise in a start, and on a sudden fling out of his Chair, abandoning his Meat, frighted, appalled, and in a horrid terrour, who should not know the cause

hereof would wonder, and be astonished exceedingly: But what? he heard his Male Servants cry, Fire, fire, fire, fire; his Serving Maids and Woman yell, Stop Thief, stop Thief; and all his Children shout as loud as ever they could, Murther, O Murther, Murther. Then was it not high time for him to leave his Banquet∣ting, for application of a Remedy in hast, and to give speedy Order for succouring of his distressed Houshold. Truly, I remem∣ber, that the Cabalists and Massorats, Inter∣preters of the Sacred Scriptures, in treat∣ing how with verity one might judge of Evangelical Apparitions (because often∣times the Angel of Satan is disguized and transfigured into an Angel of Light) said, That the difference of these two mainly did consist in this: the favourable and comforting Angel useth in his appearing unto Man at first to terrifie and hugely affright him; but in the end he bringeth Consolation, leaveth the Person who hath seen him, joyful, well pleased, fully con∣tent, and satisfied: on the other side, the An∣gel of Perdition, that wicked, devilish, and malignant Spirit, at his appearance unto any Person, in the beginning cheareth up the Heart of his Beholder, but at last for∣sakes him, and leaves him troubled, angry, and perplexed.

CHAP. XV. Panurge's Excuse and Exposition of the Monastick Mystery concerning Pou∣der'd Beef.

THE Lord save those who see, and do not hear, (quoth Panurge) I see you well enough, but know not what it is that you have said: the Hunger-starved Belly wanteth Ears: For lack of Victuals, before God, I roar, bray, yell and fume as in a furious Madness. I have perfor∣med too hard a Task to day, an extrordi∣nary Work indeed: He shall be craftier, and do far greater Wonders than ever did Mr. Mush, who shall be able any more this year to bring me on the Stage of Prepara∣tion for a dreaming Verdict. Fy; not to sup at all, that is the Devil. Pox take that Fashion. Come Friar Iohn, let us go break our Fast; for if I hit on such a round Refection in the morning▪ as will serve throughly to fill the Mill-hopper and Hogshide of my Stomach, and furnish it with Meat and Drink sufficient, then at a

pinch, as in the case of some extream ne∣cessity which presseth, I could make a shift that day to forbear Dining. But not to Sup: A Plague-rot that base Custom, which is an Error offensive to Nature. That Lady made the Day for Exercise, to travel, work, wait on and labour in each his Negotiation and Employment; and that we may with the more Fervency and Ardour prosecute our business, she sets be∣fore us a clear burning Candle, to wit, the Suns Resplendency: And at Night, when she begins to take the Light from us, she thereby tacitly implies no less, than if she would have spoken thus unto us: My Lads and Lasses, all of you are good and honest Folks, you have wrought well to day, toiled and turmoiled enough, the Night approacheth, therefore cast off these moiling Cares of yours, desist from all your swinking painful Labours, and set your Minds how to refresh your Bodies in the renewing of their Vigour with good Bread, choice Wine, and store of whol∣som Meats; then may you take some Sport and Recreation, and after that lie down and rest your selves, that you may strongly, nimbly, lustily, and with the more Alacrity to morrow attend on your Affairs as formerly.

Falconers in like manner, when they have fed their Hawks, will not suffer them to fly on a full Gorge, but let them on a Pearch abide a little, that they may rouse, bait, tour and soar the better. That good Pope, who was the first Instituter of Fast∣ing, understood this well enough; for he ordained that our Fast should reach but to the hour of Noon; all the remainder of that day was at our disposure, freely to eat and feed at any time thereof. In an∣cient times there were but few that dined, as you would say, some Church men, Monks and Canons; for they have little other Occupation; each day is a Festi∣val unto them; who diligently heed the Claustral Proverb, De missa ad mensam. They do not use to linger and defer their sitting down and placing of themselves at Table, only so long as they have a mind in waiting for the coming of the Abbot; so they fell to without Ceremony, Terms or Conditions; and every body supped, unless it were some vain, conceited, dreaming Do∣tard. Hence was a Supper called Caena, which sheweth that it is common to all sorts of People. Thou knowest it well, Friar Iohn. Come let us go, my dear Friend in the name of all the Devils of the Infer∣nal Regions, let us go: The Gnawings of my Stomach, in this rage of Hunger, are

so taring, that they make it bark like a Mastiff. Let us throw some Bread and Beef into his Throat to pacifie him, as once the Sibyl did to Cerberus. Thou likest best Monastical Browess, the prime, the flower of the Pot. I am for the solid, principal Verb that comes after: The good brown Loaf, always accompany'd with a round slice of the Nine-lecture-poudred Labourer. I know thy meaning, (answered Friar Iohn) this Metaphor is extracted out of the Claustral Kettle; the Labourer is the Ox, that hath wrought and done the Labour; after the fashion of Nine Lectures, that is to say, most exqui∣sitely well and throughly boil'd. These holy Religious Fathers, by a certain Cabalistick Institution of the Ancients, not written, but carefully by Tradition conveyed from hand to hand, rising betimes to go to Morning Prayers, were wont to flourish that their matutinal. Devotion with some certain notable Preambles before their en∣try into the Church, viz. They dunged in the Dungeries, pissed in the Pisseries, spit in the Spitteries, melodiously coughed in the Cougheries, and doted in their Do∣teries, that to the Divine Service they might not bring any thing that was un∣clean or foul.

These things thus done▪ they very zea∣lously made their repair to the Holy Chap∣pel, (for so was, in their canting Lan∣guage, termed the Covent Kitchin) where they with no small earnestness, had Care that the Beef Pot should be put on the Crook for the Breakfast of the Religious Brothers of our Lord and Saviour; and the Fire they would kindle under the Pot themselves. Now the Matines consisting of Nine Lessons, was so incumbent on them, that they must have risen the ra∣ther for the more expedite dispatching of them all. The sooner that they rose, the sharper was their Appetite, and the Barkings of their Stomachs, and the Gnaw∣ings increase in the like proportion, and consequently made these Godly Men thrice more a hungred and a-thirst, than when their Matines were hem'd over only with three Lessons.

The more betimes they rose by the said Cabal, the sooner was the Beef Pot put on; the longer that the Beef was on the Fire, the better it was boiled; the more it boiled, it was the tenderer; the ten∣derer that it was, the less it troubled the Teeth, delighted more the Palats, less charged the Stomach, and nourished our good Religious Men the more substantial∣ly; which is the only end and prime in∣tention

of the first Founders, as appears by this, That they eat not to live, but live to eat, and in this World have nothing but their Life. Let us go, Panurge.

Now have I understood thee, (quoth Panurge) my Plushcod Friar, my Cabal∣line and Claustral Ballock. I freely quit the Costs, Interest and Charges, seeing you have so egregiously commented up∣on the most especial Chapter of the Cu∣linary and Monastick Cabal. Come along, my Garpalin, and you Friar Iohn, my Leather-dresser: Good morrow to you all, my good Lords: I have dreamed too much to have so little. Let us go. Pa∣nurge had no sooner done speaking, than Epistemon with a loud Voice said these Words: It is a very ordinary and com∣mon thing amongst Men to conceive, fore∣see, know and presage the misfortune, bad luck or disaster of another; but to have the understanding, providence, know∣ledge and prediction of a Man's own mishap is very scarce and rare to be found any where. This is exceeding judiciously and prudently deciphered by Esop in his Apologues, who there affirmeth, That every Man in the World carrieth about his Neck a Wallet, in the Fore-bag where∣of were contained the Faults and Mis∣chances of others, always exposed to his

view and knowledge; and in the other Scrip thereof, which hangs behind, are kept the Bearers proper Transgressions, and inauspicious Adventures, at no time seen by him, nor thought upon, unless he be a person that hath a favourable A∣spect from the Heavens.

CHAP. XVI. How Pantagruel adviseth Panurge to consult with the Sibyl of Panzoust.

A Little while thereafter Pantagruel sent for Panurge, and said unto him, The Affection which I bear you being now inveterate, and setled in my Mind by a long continuance of time, prom∣pteth me to the serious consideration of your Welfare and Profit; in order where∣to remark what I have thought thereon: It hath been told me that at Panzoust near Crouly, dwelleth a very famous Sibyl, who is endowed with the skill of foretelling all things to come. Take Epestimon in your Company, repair towards her, and hear what she will say unto you. She is

possibly (quoth Epistemon) she is some Canidia, Sagane or Pythonisse, either where∣of with us is vulgarly called a Witch. I being the more easily induced to give Credit to the truth of this Character of her, that the place of her Abode is vilely stained with the abominable repute of abounding more with Sorcerers and Witches than ever did the Plains of Thessaly. I should not, to my thinking, go thither willingly, for that it seems to me a thing unwarrantable, and altogether forbidden in the Law of Moyses. We are not Iews, (quoth Pantagruel) nor is it a matter judi∣ciously confess'd by her, nor authentical∣ly proved by others that she is a Witch. Let us for the present suspend our Judg∣ment, and defer till after your return from thence, the sifting and garbeling of those Niceties. Do we know but that she may be an Eleventh Sibyl, or a Second Cassan∣dra? But although she were neither, and she did not merit the Name or Title of any of these Renowned Prophetesses, what Hazard, in the Name of God, do you run, by offering to talk and confer with her of the instant Perplexity and Perturbation of your Thoughts? Seeing especially (and which is most of all) she is in the Estimation of those that are ac∣quainted with her, held to know more,

and to be of a deeper reach of Under∣standing, than is either customary to the Country wherein she liveth, or to the Sex whereof she is. What hindrance, hurt or harm doth the laudable desire of Knowledge bring to any Man, were it from a Sot, a Pot, a Fool, a Stool, a Winter Mittam, a Truckle for a Pully, the Lid of a Goldsmiths Crucible, an Oil-Bottle, or old Slipper? You may re∣member to have read, or heard at least, that Alexander the Great, immediately af∣ter his having obtained a glorious Victo∣ry over the King Darius in Arbeles, refused in the Presence of the splendid and illu∣strious Courtiers that were about him, to give Audience to a poor certain despica∣ble-like Fellow, who through the Soilicita∣tions and Mediatio•• of some of his Royal Attendants▪ was admitted humbly to beg that Grace and Favour of him: But sore did he repent, although in vain, a thou∣sand and ten thousand times thereafter, the surly State which he then took upon him to the Denial of so just a Suit, the Grant whereof would have been worth unto him the value of a Brace of potent Cities. He was indeed Victorious in Per∣sia, but withal so far distant from Macedo∣nia, his Hereditary Kingdom, that the Joy of the one did not expel the extream

Grief, which through occasion of the o∣ther he had inwardly conceived; for not being able with all his Power to find or invent a convenient Mean and Expedient, how to get or come by the certainty of any News from thence; both by reason of the huge remoteness of the places from one to another, as also because of the impe∣ditive Interposition of many great Rivers, the interjacent Obstacle of divers wild Deserts, and obstructive Interjection of sundry almost inaccessible Mountains. Whilst he was in this sad quandary and sollicitous pensiveness, which, you may sup∣pose, could not be of a small Vexation to him; considering that it was a matter of no great difficulty to run over his whole Native Soil, possess his Country, seize on his Kingdom, install a new King in the Throne, and plant thereon Foreign Co∣lonies, long before he could come to have any Advertisement of it. For obviating the Jeopardy of so dreadful Inconveniency, and putting a fit Remedy thereto, a cer∣tain Sydonian Merchant of a low Stature, but high Fancy, very poor in shew, and to the outward appearance of little or no Account, having presented himself be∣fore him, went about to affirm and de∣clare, that he had excogitated and hit up∣on a ready mean and way, by the which

those of his Territories at home should come to the certain notice of his Indian Victories, and himself be perfectly in∣formed of the state and condition of Egypt and Macedonia within less then five days. Whereupon the said Alexander, plunged into a sullen Animadvertency of mind, through his rash Opinion of the Improba∣bility of performing a so strange and impossible-like Undertaking, dismissed the Merchant without giving ear to what he had to say, and villify'd him. What could it have cost him to hearken unto what the honest Man had invented and contrived for his good? What Detriment, Annoyance, Damage or Loss could he have undergone to listen to the Discovery of that Secret, which the good Fellow would have most willingly revealed unto him? Nature, I am perswaded, did not without a cause frame our Eyes open, putting there∣to no Gate at all, nor shutting them up with any manner of Inclosures, as she hath done unto the Tongue, the Eyes, and other such out-jetting parts of the Body: The Cause, as I imagine, is, to the end that every Day and every Night, and that ••ontinually, we may be ready to hear, and by a perpetual hearing apt to learn: For of all the Senses, it is the fit∣test for the reception of the knowledge

of Arts, Sciences and Disciplines; and it may be, that Man was an Angel, (that is to say, a Messenger sent from God) as Raphael was to Toby. Too suddenly did he contemn, despise and misregard him; but too long thereafter, by an untimely and too late Repentance did he do Pennance for it. You say very well, (answered E∣pistemon) yet shall you never for all that induce me to believe, that it can tend any way to the Advantage or Commodity of a Man, to take Advice and Counsel of a Woman, namely, of such a Woman, and the Woman of such a Country. Truly I have found (quoth Panurge) a great deal of good in the Counsel of Women, chiefly in that of the Old Wives amongst them; who for every time I consult with them, I readily get a Stool or two extraordinary, to the great Solace of my Bum-gut pas∣sage. They are as Slothounds in the In∣fallibility of their Scent, and in their Say∣ings no less Sententious than the Rubricks of the Law. Therefore in my Conceit it is not an improper kind of Speech to call them Sage or Wise Women. In confir∣mation of which Opinion of mine, the customary style of my Language allow∣eth them the Denomination of Presage Women. The Epithet of Sage is due un∣to them, because they are surpassing dex∣trous

in the knowledge of most things· And I give them the Title of Presage, for that they Divinely foresee, and certainly foretel future Contingencies, and Events of things to come. Sometimes I call them not Maunettes, but Monettes, from their wholsom Monitions. Whether it be so, ask Pythagoras, Socrates, Empedocles, and our Master Ortuinus. I furthermore praise and commend above the Skies the ancient memorable Institution of the pri∣stine Germans, who ordained the Responces and Documents of Old Women to be highly extolled, most cordially reveren∣ced, and prised at a rate, in nothing in∣feriour to the weight, test and standerd of the Sanctuary: And as they were re∣spectfully prudent in receiving of these sound Advices, so by honouring and fol∣lowing them did they prove no less fortu∣nate in the happy Success of all their En∣deavours. Witness the Old Wife Antinia, and the good Mother Villed, in the days of Vespasian. You need not any way doubt, but that Feminine Old Age is al∣ways fructifying in Qualities Sublime, I would have said Sibylline. Let us go, by the help; let us go, by the Vertue. God, let us go. Farewel, Friar Iohn, I recom∣mend the care of my Codpiece to you. Well, (quoth Epistemon) I will follow you,

with this protestation nevertheless, that if I happen to get a sure information, or otherways find, that she doth use any kind of Charm or Enchantment in her Responses, it may not be imputed to me for a blame to leave you at the Gate of her House, without accompanying you any further in.

CHAP. XVII. How Panurge spoke to the Sybil of Panzoust.

THeir Voyage was three days Journey∣ing, on the third whereof was shewn unto them the House of the Vaticinatress standing on the knap or top of a Hill, un∣der a large and spacious Walnut-Tree. Without great difficulty they entred into that straw-thatch'd Cottage, scurvily built, naughtily movabled, and all besmoaked. It matters not, (quoth Epistemon) Heracli∣tus, the grand Scotist, and tenebrous dark∣some Philosopher, was nothing astonish∣ed at his Introit into such a course and paultry Habitation; for he did usually

shew forth unto his Sectators and Disciples, That the Gods made as cheerfully their Resi∣dence in these mean homely Mansions, as in sumptuous, magnifick Palaces, replenished with all manner of delight, pomp, and pleasure. I withal do really believe, that the Dwelling-place of the so famous and renowned Hecate, was just such another petty Cell as this is, when she made a Feast therein to the valiant Theseus. And that of no other better Structure was the Coat or Cabin of Hyreus, or Oaenopion, wherein Iupiter, Neptune, and Mercury were not ashamed, all three together, to harbour and sojourn a whole Night, and there to take a full and hearty Repast; for the payment of the Shot they thankfully ed Orion.

They finding the ancient Woman, at a corner of her own Chimney, Epistemon said, She is indeed a true Sybil, and the lively Pourtraict of one represented by the 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉 of Homer. The old Hag was in a pitiful bad plight and condition, in matter of the outward state and complexi∣on of her Body, the ragged and tottred Equipage of her Person, in the point of Accoutrement, and beggerly poor Provi∣sion of Fare for her Diet and Entertain∣ment; for she was ill apparelled, worse nourished, Toothless, Blear-eyed, Crook-shoulder'd,

snotty, her Nose still drop∣ping, and herself still drooping, faint, and pithless. Whilst in this wofully wretched case she was making ready for her Dinner, Porridge of wrinkled green Colworts, with a bit skin of yellow Bacon, mixed with a twice before crooked sort of watrish, unsavoury Broath, extracted out of bare and hollow Bones. Epistemon said, By the Cross of a Groat, we are to blame, nor shall we get from her any Responce at all: for we have not brought along with us the Branch of Gold. I have (quoth Panurge) provided pretty well for that, for here I have it within my Bag, in the substance of a Gold Ring, accompanied with some fair Pieces of small Money. No sooner were these words spoken, when Panurge coming up towards her, after the Ceremo∣nial performance of a profound and hum∣ble Salutation, presented her with six Neats-Tongues dried in the Smoke, a great Butter-pot full of fresh Cheese, a Boracho furnished with good Beverage, and a Rams Cod stored with Single Pence, newly coyned: At last he, with a low Curtsie, put on her Medical Finger, a pretty hand∣some Golden Ring, whereinto was right artificially inchased a precious Toadstone of Beausse. This done, in few words, and very succinctly did he set open, and expose

unto her the motive Reason of his coming, most civilly and courteously entreating her, that she might be pleased to vouch∣safe to give him an ample and plenary In∣telligence, concerning the future good luck of his intended Marriage.

The old Trot for a while remained si∣lent, pensive, and girning like a Dog, then, after she had set her withered Breech upon the bottom of a Bushel, she took into her Hands three old Spindles, which when she had turned and whirled betwixt her Fingers very diversly, and after several fashions, she pryed more nar∣rowly into, by the tryal of their points; the sharpest whereof she retained in her hand, and threw the other two under a Stone Trough; after this she took a pair of Yarn Windles, which she nine times unintermittedly veered, and frisked about, then at the ninth revolution or turn, with∣out touching them any more, maturely perpending the manner of their motion, she very demurely waited on their repose and cessation from any further stirring. In sequel whereof, she pull'd off one of her wooden Pattens, put her Apron over her Head, as a Priest use to do his Amice, when he is going to sing Mass, and with a kind of antick, gaudy, party-colour'd String, knit it under her Neck. Being

thus covered and muffled, she whiffed off a lusty good Draught out of the Borachoe, took three several Pence forth of the Ram Cod Fob, put them into so many Walnut-shells, which she set down upon the bot∣tom of a Feather-pot; and then after she had given them three Whisks of a Broom Besom a-thwart the Chimney, casting in∣to the Fire half a Bevin of long Heather, together with a Branch of dry Laurel, she observed with a very hush, and coy si∣lence, in what form they did burn, and saw, that although they were in a flame, they made no kind of noise, or crackling din, hereupon she gave a most hideous and horribly dreadful shout, muttering betwixt her Teeth some few barbarous words, of a strange termination.

This so terrified Panurge, that he forth∣with said to Epistemon, The Devil mince me into a Gally-mafry, if I do not tremble for fear. I do not think but that I am now inchanted; for she uttereth not her Voice in the terms of any Christian Language. O look, I pray you, how she seemeth unto me, to be by three full spans higher than she was, when she began to hood her self with her Apron.

What meaneth this restless wagging of her slouchy Chaps? What can be the signification of the uneven shrugging of

her hulchy Shoulders? to what end doth she quaver with her Lips, like a Monkey in the dismembring of a Lobster? My Ears through horrour glow; ah! how they tingle. I think I hear the skreaking of Proserpina; the Devils are breaking loose to be all here. O the foul, ugly, and de∣formed Beasts! Let us run away! by the Hook of God, I am like to die for fear! I do not love the Devils; they vex me, and are unpleasant Fellows. Now let us fly, and betake us to our heels. Farewel Gammer; Thanks and Grammercy for your Goods. I will not marry, no, be∣lieve me, I will not; I fairly quit my In∣terest therein, and totally abandon and renounce it, from this time forward, even as much as at present. With this, as he endeavoured to make an escape out of the room, the old Crone did anticipate his flight, and make him stop; the way how she prevented him was this: whilst in her hand she held the Spindle, she flung out to a Back-yard close by her Lodge, where after she had peeled off the Barks of an old Sycamore, three several times, she ve∣ry summarily, upon eight Leaves which dropt from thence, wrote with the Spin∣dle-point some curt, and briefly couched Verses, which she threw into the Air, then said unto them, Search after them if

you will; find them if you can; the fa∣tal Destinies of your Marriage written in them.

No sooner had she done thus speaking, when she did withdraw herself unto her lurking Hole, where on the upper Seat of the Porch, she tucked up her Gown, her Coats and Smock, as high as her Arm∣pits, and gave them a full inspection of the Nockandroe: which being perceived by Panurge, he said to Epistemon, Gods Bodekins, I see the Sybil's Hole. She sud∣denly then bolted the Gate behind her, and was never since seen any more. They joyntly ran in hast after the fallen and di∣spersed Leaves, and gathered them at last, though not without great labour and toyl, for the Wind had scattered them amongst the Thorn-bushes of the Valley. When they had ranged them each after other in their due places, they found out their Sen∣tence, as it is metrified in this Ocstatick:

Thy Fame upheld, Even so, so: And she with Child Of thee: No. Thy Good End Suck she shall, And flay thee, Friend, But not all.

CHAP. XVIII. How Pantagruel, and Panurge did di∣versly Expound the Verses of the Sybil of Panzoust.

THE Leaves being thus collected, and orderly disposed, Epistemon and Pa∣nurge returned to Pantagruel's Court, part∣ly well pleased, and other part discontent∣ed: glad for their being come back, and vexed for the trouble they had sustained by the way, which they found to be craggy, rugged, stony, rough, and ill adjusted. They made an ample and full Relation of their Voyage, unto Pantagruel; as likewise of the Estate and Condition of the Sybil. Then having presented to him the Leaves of the Sycamore, they shew him the short and twattle Verses that were written in them. Pantagruel having read and considered the whole sum and sub∣stance of the matter, fetch'd from his Heart a deep and heavy Sigh, then said to Panurge: You are now, forsooth, in a good taking, and have brought your Hogs

to a fine Market: the Prophesie of the Sybil doth explain and lay out before us, the same very Predictions which have been denotated, foretold, and presaged to us by the Decree of the Virgilian Lots, and the Verdict of your own proper Dreams: to wit, that you shall be very much disgraced, shamed, and discredited by your Wife: for that she will make you a Cuckold in prostituting herself to others, being big with Child by another than you; will steal from you a great deal of your Goods, and will beat you, scratch, and bruise you, even from plucking the skin in apart from off you; will leave the Print of her Blows in some Member of your Body. You understand as much (an∣swered Panurge) in the veritable Inter∣pretation, and Expounding of recent Pro∣phesies, as a Sow in the matter of Spice∣ry. Be not offended (Sir, I beseech you) that I speak thus boldly; for I find myself a little in Choler, and that not without cause, seeing it is the contrary that is true; take heed, and give attentive Ear unto my words: The old Wife said, that as the Bean is not seen till first it be unhuskt, and that its swad or hull be shaled, and pilled from off it: so is it that my vertue and transcendent worth will never come by the Mouth of Fame, to be blazed abroad

proportionable to the height, extent, and measure of the excellency thereof, until preallably I get a Wife, and make the full half of a married Couple. How many times have I heard you say, that the Fun∣ction of a Magistrate, or Office of Digni∣ty, discovereth the Merits, Parts, and En∣dowments of the Person so advanced and promoted, and what is in him: that is to say, we are then best able to judge aright of the Deservings of a Man, when he is called to the management of Affairs: for when before he lived in a private Condi∣tion, we could have no more certain knowledge of him, then of a Bean within his Husk. And thus stands the first Arti∣cle explained: otherways could you ima∣gine, that the good Fame, Repute, and Estimation of an Honest Man, should de∣pend upon the Tayl of a Whore?

Now to the meaning of the Second Ar∣ticle: My Wife will be with Child, (here lies the prime Felicity of Marriage) but not of me. Copsody, that I do believe indeed: It will be of a pretty little Infant: O how heartily I shall love it! I do alrea∣dy dote upon it; for it will be my dain∣ty Fedle-darling, my gentiel Dilli-minion. From thenceforth no Vexation, Care, or Grief, shall take such deep impression in my Heart, how hugely great or vehement

soever it otherways appear; but that it shall evanish forthwith, at the sight of that my future Babe; and at the hearing of the Chat and Prating of its Childish Gibbridge: And blessed be the Old Wife. By my truly, I have a mind to settle some good Revenue or Pension upon her, out of the readiest Increase of the Lands of my Salmigondinois; not an inconstant, and uncertain Rent-seek, like that of witless, giddy-headed Batchellors, but sure and fix∣ed, of the nature of the well-payed In∣comes of Regenting Doctors.

If this Interpretation doth not please you, think you my Wife will bear me in her Flanks: Conceive with me, and be of me delivered, as Women use in Childbed to bring forth their Young Ones: so as that it may be said, Panurge is a second Bacchus, he hath been twice born; he is re-born, as was Hypolitus, as was Proteus, one time of Thetis; and secondly, of the Mother of the Philosopher Apollonius: as were the two Palices, near the Flood Same∣thoe, in Sicily: his Wife was big of Child with him. In him is renewed and begun again the Palintocy, and of the Megariens, and the Palingenesie of Democritus. Fie up∣on such Errors, to hear stuff of that na∣ture rends mine Ears.

The words of the third Article are: She will suck me at my best End. Why not? that pleaseth me right well. You know the thing, I need not tell you, that it is my intercrural Pudding with one end. I swear and promise, that in what I can, I will preserve it sappy, full of juyce, and as well victualled for her use as may be; she shall not suck me, I believe, in vain, nor be destitute of her allowance; there shall her justum both in Peck and Lippy be furnish'd to the full eternally. You ex∣pound this passage allegorically, and in∣terpret it to Theft and Larceny. I love the Exposition, and the Allegory pleaseth me; but not according to the Sence whereto you stretch it. It may be that the sincerity of the Affection which you bear me▪ moveth you to harbour in your Breast those refractory thoughts concern∣ing me, with a suspition of my Adversity to come. We have this saying from the Learned, That a marvelously fearful thing is Love, and that true Love is never without fear. But (Sir) according to my Judg∣ment, you do understand both of and by your self, that here Stealth signifieth no∣thing else, no more then in a thousand other places of Greek and Latin, Old and Modern Writings, but the sweet fruits of amorous Dalliance, which Venus liketh

best, when reap'd in secret, and cull'd by fervent Lovers filchingly.

Why so? I prithee tell: Because when the Feat of the loose Coat Skirmish hap∣peneth to be done under-hand and privi∣ly, between two well-disposed, athwart the Steps of a Pair of Stairs, lurkingly, and in covert, behind a Suit of Hangings, or close hid and trussed upon an unbound Faggot, it is more pleasing to the Cyprian Goddess, (and to me also, I speak this without prejudice to any better, or more sound Opinion) then to perform that Cul∣busting Art, after the Cynick manner, in the view of the clear Sun-shine, or in a rich Tent, under a precious stately Cano∣py, within a glorious and sublime Pavili∣on, or yet on a soft Couch betwixt rich Curtains of Cloth of Gold, without af∣frightment, at long intermediate Respits, enjoying of Pleasures and Delights a Belly∣full, all at great ease, with a huge fly-flap Fan of Crimson Sattin, and a Bunch of Feathers of some East-Indian Ostrich, ser∣ving to give Chace unto the Flyes all round about: whilst; in the Interim, the Female picks her Teeth with a stiff Straw, pick'd even then from out of the bottom of the Bed she lies on.

If you be not content with this my Ex∣position, are you of the mind that my Wife will suck and sup me up as People use to gulp and swallow Oysters out of the Shell? Or as the Cilician Women, accor∣ding to the Testimony of Dioscorides, were wont to do the Grain of Alkermes? Assu∣redly that is an Error. Who seizeth on it, doth neither gulch up, nor swill down; but takes away what hath been packed up, catcheth, snatcheth, and plies the Play of Hey pass, Repass.

The Fourth Article doth imply, That my Wife will flay me, but not at all. O the fine Word! You interpret this to beating Strokes and Blows. Speak wisely: Will you eat a Pudding? Sir, I beseech you to raise up your Spirits above the low-sized pitch of earthly Thoughts unto that hight of sublime Contemplation, which reacheth to the Apprehension of the Mysteries and Wonders of Dame Na∣ture. And here be pleased to condemn your self, by a renouncing of those Errors which you have committed very grosly, and somewhat perversly, in expounding the Prophetick Sayings of the Holy Sybil. Yet put the case (albeit I yield not to it) that by the Instigation of the Devil, my Wife should go about to wrong me, make me a Cuckold downwards to the very

Breech, disgrace me otherways, steal my Goods from me; yea, and lay vio∣lently her Hands upon me; she neverthe∣less should fail of her Attempts, and not attain to the proposed end of her unrea∣sonable Undertakings.

The Reason which induceth me hereto, is grounded totally on this last Point, which is extracted from the profoundest Privacies of a Monastick Pantheology, as good Friar Arther Wagtaile told me once upon a Monday morning; as we were (if I have not forgot) eating a Bushel of Trot∣ter-pies; and I remember well it rained hard: God give him the good Morrow.

The Women at the beginning of the World, or a little after, conspired to flay the Men quick, because they found the Spirit of Mankind inclined to domineer it, and bear rule over them upon the face of the whole Earth; and in pursuit of this their Resolution, promised, confir∣med, sworn and covenanted amongst them all, by the pure Faith they owe to the nocturnal Sanct Rogero. But O the vain Enterprises of Women! O the great Fra∣gility of that Sex Feminine! They did begin to flay the Man, or pill him, (as says Catullus) at that Member which of all the Body they loved best; to wit, the nervous and cavernous Cane; and that above five

thousand years ago; yet have they not of that small part alone flayed any more till this hour but the Head: In meer despite whereof the Iews snip off that parcel of the Skin in Circumcision, choosing far rather to be called Clip-yards, Raskals, than to be flayed by Women, as are other Nations. My Wife, according to this Fe∣male Covenant, will flay it to me, if it be not so already. I heartily grant my Con∣sent thereto, but will not give her leave to flay it all: Nay, truly will I not, my no∣ble King. Yea, but (quoth Epistemon) you say nothing of her most dreadful Cries and Exclamations, when she and we both saw the Lawrel-bough burn without yielding any noise or crackling. You know it is a very dismal Omen, an inauspicious sign, unlucky judice, and token formidable, bad, disastrous, and most unhappy, as is certified by Propertius, Tibullus, the quick Philosopher Porphyrius, Eustachius on the Iliads of Homer, and by many others.

Verily, verily, (quoth Panurge) brave are the Allegations which you bring me, and Testimonies of two-footed Calves. These Men were Fools, as they were Po∣ets; and Dotards, as they were Philoso∣phers; full of Folly, as they were of Phi∣losophy.

CHAP. XIX. How Pantagruel praiseth the Counsel of Dumb Men.

PAntagruel, when this Discourse was ended, held for a pretty while his Peace, seeming to be exceeding sad and pensive, then said to Panurge, the malig∣nant Spirit misleads, beguileth and sedu∣ceth you. I have read that in times past the surest and most veritable Oracles were not those which either were delivered in Writing, or utter'd by word of Mouth in speaking: For many times, in their Interpretation, right witty, learned and ingenious Men have been deceived thro' Amphibolories, Equivoks, and Obscurity of Words, no less than by the brevity of their Sentences. For which cause Apollo, the God of Vaticination, was Surnamed 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉. Those which were represented then by Signs and outward Gestures were accounted the truest and the most infal∣lible. Such was the Opinion of Heracli∣tus: And Iupitur did himself in this man∣ner

give forth in Amon frequently Predi∣ctions: Nor was he single in this Pra∣ctice; for Apollo did the like amongst the Assyrians. His prophesying thus unto those People, moved them to paint him with a large long Beard, and Cloaths be∣seeming an old setled Person, of a most posed, stayed and grave Behaviour; not naked, young and beardless, as he was pourtrayed most usually amongst the Graecians. Let us make trial of this kind of Fatidicency; and go you take Advice of some dumb Person without any speak∣ing. I am content, (quoth Panurge.) But, says Pantagruel, it were requisite that the Dumb you consult with be such as have been deaf from the hour of their Nativi∣ty, and consequently dumb; for none can be so lively, natural, and kindly dumb, as he who never heard.

How is it, (quoth Panurge) that you conceive this matter? If you apprehend it so, that never any spoke, who had not before heard the Speech of others, I will from that Antecedent bring you to infer very logically a most absurd and pa∣radoxical Conclusion. But let it pass; I will not insist on it. You do not then believe what Herodotus wrote of two Chil∣dren, who at the special Command and Appointment of Psammeticus King of E∣gypt,

having been kept in a petty Coun∣try Cottage, where they were nourished and entertained in a perpetual silence, did at last, after a certain long space of time, pronounce this word Bee, which in the Phrygian Language signifieth Bread. No∣thing less (quoth Pantagruel) do I believe, than that it is a meer abusing of our Un∣derstandings to give Credit to the words of those, who say that there is any such thing as a Natural Language. All Speeches have had their primary Origin from the Arbitrary Institutions, Accords and Agree∣ments of Nations in their respective Con∣descendments to what should be noted and betokened by them. An Articulate Voice (according to the Dialecticians) hath naturally no signification at all; for that the sence and meaning thereof did totally depend upon the good will and pleasure of the first Deviser and Imposer of it. I do not tell you this without a Cause; for Bartholus, Lib. 5. de Verb. Oblig. very seriously reporteth, that even in his time there was in Cugubia one na∣med Sir Nello de Gabrielis, who although he by a sad mischance became altogether deaf, understood nevertheless every one that talked in the Italian Dialect howsoe∣ver he expressed himself; and that only by looking on his external Gestures, and

casting an attentive Eye upon the divers motions of his Lips and Chaps. I have read, I remember also, in a very literate and eloquent Author, that Turidates King of Armenia, in the days of Nero, made a Voyage to Rome, where he was received with great Honour and Solemnity, and with all manner of Pomp and Magnifi∣cence: Yea, to the end there might be a sempiternal Amity and Correspondence preserved betwixt him and the Roman Se∣nate; there was no remarkable thing in the whole City which was not shown un∣to him.

At his Departure the Emperor bestow∣ed upon him many ample Donatives of an inestimable Value: And besides, the more entirely to testifie his Affection to∣wards him, heartily intrusted him to be pleased to make choice of any whatsoever thing in Rome was most agreeable to his Fancy; with a Promise juramentally confirmed, That he should not be refused of his Demand. Thereupon, after a suitable Return of Thanks for a so graci∣ous Offer, he required a certain Iack-pudding, whom he had seen to act his part most egregiously upon the Stage, and whose meaning (albeit he knew not what it was he had spoken) he understood per∣fectly enough by the Signs and Gesticula∣tions

which he had made. And for this Suit of his, in that he asked nothing else, he gave this Reason, That in the several wide and spacious Dominions, which were reduced under the Sway and Au∣thority of his Sovereign Government, there were sundry Countries and Nations much differing from one another in Lan∣guage, with whom, whether he was to speak unto them, or give any Answer to their Requests, he was always necessitated to make use of divers sorts of Truchmen and Interpreters: Now with this Man a∣lone, sufficient for supplying all their pla∣ces, will that great Inconveniency here∣after be totally removed; seeing he is such a fine Gesticulator, and in the Practice of Chirology an Artist so compleat, expert and dextrous, that with his very Fingers he doth speak. Howsoever you are to pitch upon such a dumb Bone as is deaf by na∣ture, and from his Birth; to the end that his Gestures and Signs may be the more vively and truly Prophetick, and not counterfeit by the intermixture of some adulterate Lustre and Affectation. Yet whether this dumb Person shall be of the Male or Female Sex is in your Option, lieth at your Discretion, and altogether dependeth on your own Election.

I would more willingly (quoth Pa∣nurge) consult with and be advised by a Dumb Woman, were it not that I am affraid of two things. The first is, That the greater part of Women, whatever it be that they see, do always represent un∣to their Fancies, think and imagine, that it hath some relation to the sugred entring of the goodly Ithypallos, and graffing in the Cleft of the overturned Tree, the quick-set Imp of the Pin of Copulation. Whatever Signs, Shews or Gestures we shall make, or whatever our Behaviour, Carriage or Demeanour shall happen to be in their view and Presence, they will interpret the whole in reference to the act of Androgynation, and the culbatizing Exercise, by which means we shall be abusively disappointed of our Designs, in regard that she will take all our Signs for nothing else but Tokens and Repre∣sentations of our Desire to entice her un∣to the Lists of a Cyprian Combat, or Cat∣senconny Skirmish.

Do you remember what hapned at Rome two hundred and threescore Years after the Foundation thereof? A young Roman Gentleman encountring by chance at the Foot of Mount Celion with a beauti∣ful Latin-Lady named Verona, who from her very Cradle upwards had always been

both deaf and dumb, very civilly asked her, (not without a Chironomatick Italia∣nising of his Demand, with various Je∣ctigation of his Fingers, and other Ge∣sticulations, as yet customary amongst the Speakers of that Country) what Senators in her Descent from the top of the Hill she had met with going up thither. For you are to conceive, that he knowing no more of her Deafness than Dumbness, was ignorant of both. She in the mean time, who neither heard nor understood so much as one word of what he had said, streight imagin'd, by all that she could apprehend in the lovely Gesture of his manual Signs, that what he then required of her was, what her self had a great mind to, even that which a Young Man doth naturally desire of a Woman. Then was it, that by Signs (which in all oc∣currences of Venerial Love are incompa∣rably more attractive, valid and efficaci∣ous than Words) she beckned to him to come along with her to her House; which when he had done, she drew him aside to a privy Room, and then made a most lively alluring Sign unto him, to shew that the Game did please her. Whereup∣on, without any more Advertisement, or so much as the uttering of one Word on either side, they fell to, and bringuardised it lustily.

The other Cause of my being averse from consulting with dumb Women, is, that to our Signs they would make no an∣swer at all, but suddenly fall backwards in a divarication posture, to intimate thereby unto us the reality of their consent to the supposed motion of our tacit Demands. Or if they should chance to make any con∣tre-signs responsory to our Propositions, they would prove so foolish, impertinent, and ridiculous, that by them our selves should easily judge their thoughts to have no excursion beyond the duffling Aca∣demy. You know very well how at Cro∣quiniole, when the religious Nun, sister Fatbum, was made big with Child by the young Stifly-Stantor, her Pregnancy came to be known, and she cited by the Abbess, and in a full Convention of the Convent, accused of Incest. Her excuse was, That she did not consent thereto, but that it was done by the violence and impetuous force of the Friar Stifly-stand-to••t. Hereto the Abbess very austerely replying, Thou naughty wicked Girl, why didst thou not cry, a Rape, a Rape, then should all of us have run to thy Succour. Her answer was, That the Rape was committed in the Dorter, where she durst not cry, because it was a place of sempiternal Silence. But (quoth the Abbess) thou roguish Wench,

why didst not thou then make some sign to those that were in the next Chamber beside thee? To this she answered, That with her Buttocks she made a sign unto them, as vigorously as she could, yet ne∣ver one of them did so much as offer to come to her help and assistance. But (quoth the Abbess) thou scurvy baggage, why didst not thou tell it me immediately after the perpetration of the Fact, that so we might orderly, regularly, and canoni∣cally have accused him? I would have done so, had the case been mine, for the clearer manifestation of mine Innocency. I truly, Madam, would have done the like with all my heart and soul, (quoth Sister Fatbum) but that fearing I should remain in Sin, and in the hazard of Eternal Dam∣nation, if prevented by a sudden Death, I did confess my self to the Father Fryar before he went out of the Room, who for my Penance, enjoyned me not to tell it, or reveal the matter unto any. It were a most enormous and horrid Offence, de∣testable before God and the Angels, to re∣veal a Confession: such an abominable Wickedness would have possibly brought down Fire from Heaven, wherewith to have burnt the whole Nunnery, and sent us all headlong to the bottomless Pit, to bear company with Corah, Dathan, and A∣biram.

You will not (quoth Pantagruel) with all your Jesting make me laugh; I know that all Monks, Fryars, and Nuns had rather violate and infringe the highest of the Commandments of God, then break the least of their Provincial Sta∣tutes.

Take you therefore Goatsnose, a Man very fit for your present purpose; for he is, and hath been, both dumb and deaf from the very remotest Infancy of his Childhood.

CHAP. XX. How Goatsnose by signs maketh answer to Panurge.

Goatsnose being sent for, came the day thereafter to Pantagruel's Court; at his arrival to which Panurge gave him a fat Calf, the half of a Hog, two Punchi∣ons of Wine, one Load of Corn, and thirty Franks of small Money: then ha∣ving brought him before Pantatgruel, in presence of the Gentlemen of the Bed-chamber, he made this sign unto him.

He yawned along time, and in yawning made without his mouth with the thumb of his right hand the figure of the Greek Letter Tau by frequent reiterations. After∣wards he lifted up his eyes to Heaven∣wards, then turned them in his Head like a Shee-goat in the painful fit of an abso∣lute Birth, in doing whereof he did cough and sigh exceeding heavily: This done, after that he had made demonstration of the want of his Codpiece, he from under his shirt took his Placket-racket in a full gripe, making it therewithal clack very melodiously betwixt his Thighs: then no sooner had he with his Body stooped a lit∣tle forwards, and bowed his left Knee, but that immediately thereupon holding both his Arms on his Breast, in a loose faint-like Posture, the one over the other, he paused awhile. Goatsnose looked wistly up∣on him, and having heedfully enough view∣ed him all over, he lifted up into the Air his left Hand, the whole fingers whereof he retained fist-ways closed together, ex∣cept the Thumb and the Fore-finger, whose Nails he softly joyned and coupled to one another. I understand (quoth Pantagruel) what he meaneth by that sign: it denotes marriage, and withal the number thirty, ac∣cording to the Profession of Pythagorians, you will be married. Thanks to you (quoth

Panurge) in turning himself towards Goats∣nose, my little Sewer, pretty Masters-mate, dainty Baily, curious Sergeant-Marshal, and jolly Catchpole-leader. Then did he lift higher up than before his said left Hand, stretching out all the five Fingers thereof, and severing them as wide from one ano∣ther as he possibly could get done. Here (says Pantagruel) doth he more amply and fully insinuate unto us, by the Token which he sheweth forth of the Quinary number, that you shall be married. Yea, that you shall not only be affianced, be∣trothed, wedded, and married, but that you shall furthermore cohabit, and live jollily and merrily with your Wife; for Pythagoras called five the Nuptial Number, which together with marriage, signifieth the Consummation of Matrimony, because it is composed of a ternary the first of the odd, and binary, the first of the even Num∣bers, as of a Male and Female knit and u∣nited together. In very deed it was the fashion of old in the City of Rome at Mar∣riage Festivals to light five wax Tapers, nor was it permitted to kindle any more at the magnifick Nuptials of the most Po∣tent and Wealthy; nor yet any fewer at the penurious Weddings of the Poorest and most Abject of the World. Moreover in times past, the Heathen, or Paynius im∣plored

the Assistance of five Deities, or of one helpful (at least) in five several good Offices to those that were to be married: of this sort were the Nuptial Iove, Iuno, President of the Feast, the fair Venus, Pi∣tho the Goddess of Eloquence and Perswa∣sion, and Diana, whose aid and succour was required to the labour of Child-bear∣ing. Then shouted Panurge, O the gen∣tile Goatsnose, I will give him a Farm near Gnais, and a Wind-mill hard by Mireba∣lais. Hereupon the dumb Fellow sneezeth with an impetuous vehemency, and huge concussion of the Spirits of the whole Bo∣dy, withdrawing himself in so doing with a jerting turn towards the left hand. By the Body of a Fox new slain (quoth Pan∣tagruel) what is that? this maketh nothing for your advantage; for he betokeneth thereby that your marriage will be inauspi∣cious and unfortunate. This snezing (accord∣ing to the Doctrine of Terpsion, is the Socra∣tick Demon) if done towards the right side, it imports and portendeth, that boldly, and with all assurance, one may go whither he will, and do what he listeth, according to what deliberation he shall be pleased to have thereupon taken: his entries in the beginning, progress in his proceedings, and success in the events and issues will be all lucky, good, and happy. The quite con∣trary

thereto is thereby implied and pre∣saged, if it be done towards the left. You (quoth Panurge) do take always the matter at the worst, and continually, like ano∣ther Davus, casteth in new disturbances and obstructions; nor ever yet did I know this old paultry Terpsion worthy of citation, but in points only of Cosenage and Impo∣sture. Nevertheless (quoth Pantagruel) Cicero hath written I know not what to the same purpose in his Second Book of Divina∣tion.

Panurge then turning himself towards Goatsnose made this sign unto him. He in∣verted his Eye-lids upwards, wrinched his Jaws from the right to the left side, and drew forth his Tongue half out of his Mouth; this done, he posited his left Hand wholly open (the mid-finger wholly ex∣cepted, which was perpendicularly placed upon the Palm thereof) and set it just in the room where his Codpiece had been. Then did he keep his right Hand altoge∣ther shut up in a fist, save only the Thumb, which he streight turned backwards di∣rectly under the right Arm-pit, and settled it afterwards on that most eminent part of the Buttocks which the Arabs call the Alkatim. Suddenly thereafter he made this interchange, he held his right Hand after the manner of the left, and posited

it on the place wherein his Codpiece some∣time was, and retaining his left Hand in the form and fashion of the right, he pla∣ced it upon his Alkatim: this altering of Hands did he reiterate nine several times; at the last whereof, he reseated his Eye∣lids into their own first natural position. Then doing the like also with his Jaws and Tongue, he did cast a squinting look up∣on Goatsnose, diddering and shivering his Chaps, as Apes use to do now-a-days, and Rabbets, whilst almost starved with hun∣ger, they are eating Oats in the Sheaf.

Then was it that Goatsnose lifting up in∣to the Air his right Hand wholly open and displayed, put the Thumb thereof, even close unto its first articulation, be∣tween the two third Joints of the middle and ring fingers, pressing about the said Thumb thereof very hard with them both, and whilst the remainent Joints were con∣tracted and shrunk in towards the Wrist, he stretched forth with as much straitness as he could, the fore and little fingers. That hand thus framed and disposed of, he laid and posited upon Panurge's Navel, mo∣ving withal continually the aforesaid Thumb, and bearing up, supporting, or under-propping that Hand upon the above specified, and fore and little fingers, as up∣on two Leggs. Thereafter did he make

in this posture his Hand by little and little, and by degrees and pauses, successively to mount from athwart the Belly to the Sto∣mach, from whence he made it to ascend to the Breast, even upwards to Panurges's Neck, still gaining ground, till having reached his Chin he had put within the concave of his Mouth his afore-mentioned Thumb: then fiercely brandishing the whole Hand, which he made to rub and grate against his Nose, he heaved it fur∣ther up, and made the fashion, as if with the Thumb thereof he would have put out his Eyes. With this Panurge grew a little angry, and went about to withdraw, and rid himself from this ruggedly untoward dumb Devil. But Goatsnose in the mean time prosecuting the intended purpose of his Prognosticatory Response, touched very rudely with the above-mentioned shaking Thumb, now his Eyes, then his Forehead, and after that, the borders and corners of his Cap. At last Panurge cried out, saying, Before God, Master-Fool, if you do not let me alone, or that you will presume to vex me any more, you shall receive from the best hand I have a Mask, wherewith to cover your rascally scoundred Face, you paultry shitten Varlet. Then said Fryar Ihon, he is deaf, and doth not understand what thou sayest unto him. Bulliballock,

make sign to him of a hail of Fisticuffs up∣on the Muzzle.

What the Devil (quoth Panurge) means this busie restless Fellow? what is it that this Polypragmonetick Ardelione to all the Fiends of Hell doth aim at? he hath almost thrust out mine Eyes, as if he had been to potch them in a Skillet with Butter and Eggs, by God, da Iurandi, I will feast you with flirts and raps on the Snout, in∣terlarded with a double row of bobs and finger filipings? Then did he leave him in giving him by way of Salve a Volley of Farts for his Farewel. Goatsnose perceiv∣ing Panurge thus to slip away from him, got before him, and by meer strength en∣forcing him to stand, made this sign unto him. He let fall his right Arm toward his Knee on the same side as low as he could, and raising all the fingers of that Hand in∣to a close fist, past his dexterer Thumb be∣twixt the foremost and mid-fingers there∣to belonging. Then scrubbing and swindg∣ing a little with his left Hand alongst, and upon the uppermost in the very bought of the Elbow of the said dexter Arm, the whole Cubit thereof by leisure fair, and softly, at these thumpatory warnings, did raise and elevate it self even to the El∣bow, and above it, on a suddain did he then let it fall down as low as before: and

after that, at certain intervals and such spa∣ces of time, raising and abasing it, he made a shew thereof to Panurge. This so incen∣sed Panurge, that he forthwith lifted his Hand to have strucken him the dumb Royster, and given him a sound whirret on the Ear, but that the respect and reve∣rence which he carried to the Presence of Pantagruel restrained his Choler, and kept his Fury within bounds and limits. Then said Pantagruel, If the bare signs now vex and trouble you, how much more grie∣vously will you be perplexed and disquie∣ted with the real things, which by them are represented and signified. All Truths agree, and are consonant with one ano∣ther; this dumb Fellow Prophesieth and Foretelleth that you will be married, cuckold∣ed, beaten and robbed. As for the marriage (quoth Panurge) I yield thereto, and ac∣knowledge the verity of that point of his Prediction; as for the rest I utterly abjure and deny it: and believe Sir, I beseech you, if it may please you so to do, that in the matter of Wives and Horses, never any Man was predestinated to a better Fortune than I.

CHAP. XXI. How Panurge consulteth with an old French Poet, named Raminagrobis.

I Never thought (said Pantagruel) to have encountred with any Man so head∣strong in his Apprehensions, or in his O∣pinions so wilful, as I have found you to be, and see you are. Nevertheless, the better to clear and extricate your Doubts, let us try all courses, and leave no stone unturned, nor wind unsailed by. Take good heed to what I am to say unto you, the Swans, which are Fouls consecrated to Apollo, never chant but in the hour of their approaching Death, especially in the Me∣ander Flood, which is a River that run∣neth along some of the Territories of Phrygia. This I say, because Elianus and Alexander Wyndius write, that they had seen several Swans in other places die, but ne∣ver heard any of them sing, or chant be∣fore their death. However, it passeth for current that the imminent death of a Swan is presaged by his foregoing Song, and

that no Swan dieth until preallably he have Sung.

After the same manner Poets, who are under the protection of Apollo, when they are drawing near their latter end, do or∣dinarily become Prophets, and by the in∣spiration of that God sing sweetly, in va∣ticinating things which are to come. It hath been likeways told me frequently, That old decrepit Men upon the Brinks of Charon's Banks, do usher their Decease with a disclosure, all at ease (to those that are desirous of such Informations) of the determinate and assured truth of future Accidents and Contingencies. I remem∣ber also that Aristophanes, in a certain Co∣medy of his, calleth folks Sybils, 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉, for as when being upon a Peer by the Shore, we see afar off Mariners, Sea∣faring men, and other Travellers alongst the curled Waves of Azure Thetis within their Ships, we then consider them in si∣lence only, and seldom proceed any fur∣ther than to wish them a happy and pro∣sperous Arrival: but when they do ap∣proach near to the Haven, and come to wet their Keels within their Harbour, then both with words and gestures we salute them, and heartily congratulate their Ac∣cess safe to the Port wherein we are our selves. Just so the Angels, Heroes, and

good Demons (according to the Doctrine of Platonicks) when they see Mortals draw∣ing near unto the Harbour of the Grave, as the most sure and calmest Port of any, full of Repose, Ease, Rest, Tranquility; free from the Troubles and Sollicitudes of this tumultuous and tempestuous World; then is it that they with alacrity Hale and Salute them, Cherish and Comfort them, and speaking to them lovingly, begin even then to bless them with Illuminations, and to communicate unto them the abstrusest Mysteries of Divination. I will not offer here to confound your Memory by quo∣ting antick Examples of Isaac, of Iacob, of Patroclus towards Hector, of Hector to∣wards Achilles, of Polymnester towards A∣gamemnon, of Hecuba, of the Phodian re∣nowned by Possidonius, of Calanus the In∣dian towards Alexander the Great, of Oro∣des towards Mezentius, and of many others; it shall suffice for the present, that I com∣memorate unto you the learned and vali∣ant Knight and Cavalier William of Ballay, late Lord of Langcy, who died on the Hill of Tarara, the Tenth of Ianuary, in the Cli∣macterick year of his Age, and of our Sup∣putation 1543. according to the Roman Account. The last three or four hours of his Life he did imploy in the serious ut∣terance of a very pithy Discourse, whilst

with a clear Judgment, and Spirit void of all Trouble, he did foretell several impor∣tant Things, whereof a great deal is come to pass, and the rest we wait for. How∣beit, his Prophesies did at that time seem unto us somewhat strange, absurd, and unlikely; because there did not then ap∣pear any sign of efficacy enough to engage our Faith to the belief of what he did prognosticate.

We have hear near to the Town of Vil∣lomer, a Man that is both Old and a Poet, to wit, Raminogrobis, who to his Second Wife espoused my Lady Broadsow, on whom he begot the fair Basoche; it hath been told me, he is a dying, and so near unto his latter end, that he is almost up∣on the very last moment, point, and arti∣cle thereof; repair thither as fast as you can, and be ready to give an attentive Ear to what he shall chant unto you: it may be, that you shall obtain from him what you desire, and that Apollo will be pleased, by his means, to clear your scruples. I am content (quoth Panurge) let us go thi∣ther Epistemon, and that both instantly and in all hast, least otherways his Death prevent our coming. Wilt thou come a∣long with us, Fryar Ihon? Yes, that I will, (quoth Fryar Ihon) right heartily to do thee a Courtesie, my Billy-ballocks; for

I love thee with the best of my Milt and Liver. Thereupon, incontinently, with∣out any further lingring to the way, they all three went, and quickly thereafter (for they made good speed) arriving at the Poetical Habitation, they found the jolly Old Man, albeit in the Agony of his De∣parture from this World, looking chear∣fully, with an open Countenance, splen∣did Aspect, and Behaviour full of alacri∣ty. After that Panurge had very civilly saluted him, he in a free Gift did present him with a Gold Ring, which he even then put upon the Medical Finger of his Left Hand, in the Collet or Bezle where∣of was inchased an Oriental Saphire, very fair and large. Then, in imitation of So∣crates, did he make an Oblation unto him of a fair White Cock; which was no sooner set upon the Tester of his Bed, then that with a high raised Head and Crest, lustily shaking his Feather-Coat, he crowed Sten∣toriphonically loud. This done, Panurge very courteously required of him, that he would vouchsafe to favour him with the Grant and Report of his Sence and Judg∣ment, touching the future Destiny of his intended Marriage. For answer hereto, when the honest Old Man had forthwith commanded Pen, Paper, and Ink to be brought unto him, and that he was at the

same Call conveniently served with all the three, he wrote these following Verses:

Take, or not take her, Off, or on: Handy-dandy is your Lot. When her Name you write, you blot. 'Tis undone, when all is done, Ended e're it was begun: Hardly Gallop, if you Trot, Set not forward when you Run, Nor be single, tho' alone, Take, or not take her.

Before you Eat, begin to Fast; For what shall be was never past. Say, unsay, gainsay, save your Breath: Then wish at once her Life and Death. Take, or not take her.

These Lines he gave out of his own Hands unto them, saying unto them, Go my Lads in Peace, the great God of the highest Hea∣vens be your Guardian and Preserver; and do not offer any more to trouble or disquiet me with this or any other Business whatsoever. I have this same very day (which is the last both of May and of me) with a great deal of labour, toyl, and difficulty, chased out of my House a rabble of filthy, unclean, and plagui∣ly pestilentious Rake-hells, black Beasts, dusk,

dun, white, ash-coloured, speckled, and a foul Vermine of other hues, whose obtrusive impor∣tunity would not permit me to die at my own ease: for by fraudulent and deceitful prick∣lings, ravenous, Harpy-like graspings, wa∣spish stingings, and such-like unwelcome Ap∣proaches, forged in the Shop of I know not what kind of Insatiabilities; they went about to withdraw, and call me out of those sweet Thoughts, wherein I was already beginning to repose myself, and acquiesce in the Contempla∣tion and Vision; yea, almost in the very touch and tast of the Happiness and Felicity which the good God hath prepared for his faithful Saints, and Elect in the other Life, and State of Immortality. Turn out of their Courses, and eschew them, step forth of their ways, and do not resemble them, mean while, let me be no more troubled by you, but leave me now in silence, I beseech you.

CHAP. XXII. How Panurge Patrocinates and Defend∣eth the Order of the Begging Fryars.

PAnurge, at his issuing forth of Ramina∣gobris's Chamber, said, as if he had been horribly affrighted, by the Vertue of God, I believe that he is an Heretick, the Devil take me, if I do not; he doth so villanously rail at the Mendicant Fryars, and Iacobins: who are the two Hemi∣spheres of the Christian World; by whose Gyronomonick Circumbilvaginations, as by two Celivagous Filopendulums, all the Autonomatick Metagrobolism of the Ro∣mish Church, when tottering and emblu∣stricated with the Gibble gabble Gibbrish of this odious Error and Heresie, is homo∣centrically poysed. But what harm in the Devil's Name, have these poor De∣vils the Capucins and Minims done unto him? Are not these beggarly Devils suf∣ficiently wretched already? Who can imagine that these poor Snakes, the very Extracts of Ichthyophagy, are not throughly

enough besmoaked and besmeared with Misery, Distress, and Calamity? Dost thou think, Fryar Ihon, by thy Faith, that he is in the State of Salvation? He goeth, before God, as surely damned to Thirty thousand baskets full of Devils, as a Pru∣ning-Bill to the lopping of a Vine-Branch.

To revile with opprobrious Speeches the good and couragious Props and Pillars of the Church, is that to be called a Poetical Fury? I cannot rest satisfied with him, he sinneth grosly, and blasphemeth against the true Religion. I am very much of∣fended at his scandalizing Words, and con∣tumelious Obloquy. I do not care a straw (quoth Fryar Ihon) for what he hath said; for although every body should twit and jerk them, it were but a just retalia••••on, seeing all Persons are served by them with the like Sauce: therefore do I pretend no Interest therein. Let us see nevertheless what he hath written. Panurge very at∣tentively read the Paper which the Old Man had penned, then said to his two Fellow-Travellers, The poor Drinker doteth: howsoever, I excuse him; for that I be∣lieve he is now drawing near to the end, and final closure of his Life: Let us go make his Epitaph.

By the Answer which he hath given us, I am not, I protest, one jot wiser then I was, hearken here Epistemon, my little Bully, dost not thou hold him to be very Resolute in his Responsory Verdicts? he is a witty, quick, and subtle Sophister. I will lay an even Wager, that he is a mis∣creant Apostate. By the Belly of a stalled Oxe, how careful he is not to be mista∣ken in his words.

He answered but by Disjunctives, there∣fore can it not be true which he saith; for the verity of such like Propositions is inherent only in one of its two Members. O the cozening Pratler that he is! I won∣der if Santiago of Bressure be one of these cogging Shirks. Such was of old (quoth Epistemon) the Custom of the grand Vati∣cina••or and Prophet Teresias, who used always (by way of a Preface) to say open∣ly and plainly, at the beginning of his Di∣vinations and Predictions, that what he was to tell would either come to pass, or not: And such is truly the stile of all prudently presaging Prognosticators. He was ne∣vertheless (quoth Panurge) so unfortu∣nately misadventrous in the Lot of his own Destiny, that Iuno thrust out both his eyes.

Yes, (answered Epistemon) and that meerly out of a spight and spleen, for ha∣ving pronounced his award more verita∣bly then she, upon the Question which was merrily proposed by Iupiter. But (quoth Panurge) what Arch-Devil is it that hath possest this Master Raminagrobis, that so unreasonably, and without any occasion, he should have so snappishly, and bitterly inveighed against these poor honest Father, Iacobins, Minors, and Mi∣nims? It vexeth me grievously, I assure you; nor am I able to conceal my indi∣gnation. He hath transgressed most enor∣mously; his Soul goeth infallibly to thir∣ty thousand Panniers full of Devils.

I understand you not (quoth Episte∣mon) and it disliketh me very much, that you should so absurdly and perversly in∣terpret that of the Fryar Mendicants, which by the harmless Poet was spoken of black Beasts, dun, and other sorts of other co∣loured Animals. He is not in my Opini∣on guilty of such a sophistical and fanta∣stick Allegory, as by that Phrase of his to have meaned the Begging Brothers; he in down right Terms speaketh abso∣lutely and properly of Fleas, Punies, Hand-worms, Flies, Gnats, and other such-like scurvy Vermine, whereof some are black, some dun, some ash-coloured, some taw∣ny,

and some brown and dusky, all noy∣some, molesting, tyrannous, cumbersome, and unpleasing Creatures, not only to sick and diseased Folks, but to those also who are of a sound, vigorous, and healthful Temperament and Constitution. It is not unlike, that he may have the Asca∣rids, and the Lumbricks, and Worms with∣in the Intrails of his Body. Possibly doth he suffer (as is frequent and usual amongst the Aegyptians, together with all those who inhabit the Erythraean Confines, and dwell along the Shores and Coasts of the Red Sea) some four prickings, and smart stingings in his Arms and Legs of those little speckled Dragons, which the Ara∣bians call Meden. You are to blame for offering to expound his Words otherways, and wrong the ingenuous Poet, and out∣ragiously abuse and miscall the said Fra∣ters, by an imputation of baseness unde∣servedly laid to their charge. We still should in such-like Discourses of fatilo∣quent Southsayers, interpret all things to the best. Will you teach me (quoth Pa∣nurge) how to discern Flies among Milk, or shew your Father the way how to be∣get Children: He is, by the Vertue of God, an arrant Heretick, a resolute formal Heretick; I say, a rooted combustible Here∣tick, one as fit to burn as the little wood∣en

Clock at Rochel. His Soul goeth to Thir∣ty thousand Carts-full of Devils. Would you know whither? Cocks-body, my Friend, streight under Proserpina's Close-stool, to the very middle of the self-same infernal Pan, within which she, by an ex∣crementitious evacuation voideth the fecal stuff of her stinching Clysters, and that just upon the left side of the great Caul∣dron of three fathom height, hard by the Claws and Talons of Lucifer, in the very darkest of the passage which leadeth to∣wards the Black Chamber of Demigorgon. Oh the Villain!

CHAP. XXIII. How Panurge maketh the motion of a Return to Raminagrobis.

LET us return, quoth Panurge, not cea∣sing, to the uttermost of our Abili∣ties, to ply him with wholesome Admo∣nitions, for the furtherance of his Salva∣tion. Let us go back for God's sake, let us go in the Name of God: it will be a very meritorious Work, and of great Cha∣rity

in us to deal so in the matter, and pro∣vide so well for him, that albeit he come to lose both Body and Life, he may at least escape the risk and danger of the eter∣nal Damnation of his Soul. We will by our holy perswasions bring him to a sence and feeling of his Escapes, induce him to acknowledge his Faults, move him to a cordial Repentance of his Errors, and stir up in him such a sincere Contrition of Heart for his Offences, as will prompt him with all earnestness to cry Mercy, and to beg Pardon at the Hands of the good Fathers, as well of the absent, as of such as are present: Whereupon we will take Instrument formally and authentical∣ly extended, to the end he be not, after his Decease, declared an Heretick, and condemned, as were the Hobgoblins of the Provost's Wife of Orleans, to the undergo∣ing of such Punishments, Pains and Tor∣tures, as are due to, and inflicted on those that inhabit the horrid Cells of the infer∣nal Regions: and withal incline, instigate, and perswade him to bequeath, and leave in Legacy (by way of an amends and sa∣tisfaction for the outrage and injury done) to those good Religious Fathers, throughout all the Convents, Cloysters, and Mona∣stries of this Province, many Bribes, a great deal of Mass-singing, store of Obits,

and that sempiternally, on the Anniver∣sary Day of his Decease, every one of them all be furnished with a quintuple Allow∣ance: and that the great Borrachoe, reple∣nished with the best Liquor, trudge apace along the Tables, as well of the young Duckling, Monkito's, Lay-Brothers, and lowermost degree of the Abbey-Lubbards, as of the Learned Priests, and Reverend Clerks. The very meanest of the Novi∣ces, and Mitiants unto the Order being equally admitted to the benefit of those Funerary and Obsequial Festivals, with the aged Rectors, and professed Fathers; this is the surest ordinary means, whereby from God he may obtain forgiveness.

Ho, ho, I am quite mistaken, I digress from the purpose, and fly out of my Di∣scourse, as if my Spirits were a wool-ga∣thering. The Devil take me, if I go thi∣ther. Vertue, God, the Chamber is al∣ready full of Devils. O what a swinging, thwacking Noise is now amongst them! O the terrible Coyl that they keep! Hear∣ken, do you not hear the rustling thump∣ing bustle of their Stroaks and Blows, as they scuffle with one another, like true Devils indeed, who shall gulp up the Ra∣minogrobis Soul, and be the first Bringer of it, whilst it is hot, to Monsieur Lucifer. Beware, and get you hence: for my part,

I will not go thither; the Devil roast me if I go. Who knows but that these hun∣gry mad Devils may in the hast of their rage and fury of their impatience, take a quid for a quo, and instead of Raminagro∣bis snatch up poor Panurge frank and free? Though formerly, when I was deep in Debt, they always failed. Get you hence: I will not go thither. Before God, the very bare apprehension thereof is like to kill me. To be in the place where there are greedy, famished, and hunger-starved Devils; amongst factious Devils: amidst trading and trafficking Devils: O the Lord preserve me! Get you hence, I dare pawn my Credit on it, that no Iacobin, Corde∣lier, Carme Capucin, Theatin, or Minim, will bestow any personal Presence at his Inter∣ment. The wiser they, because he hath ordained nothing for them in his latter Will and Testament.

The Devil take me, if I go thither; if he be damned to his own loss and hin∣drance be it. What the Deuce moved him to be so snappish and depravedly bent a∣gainst the good Fathers of the true Reli∣gion? Why did he cast them off, reject them, and drive them quite out of his Chamber, even in that very nick of time when he stood in greatest need of the aid, suffrage, and assistance of their devout

Prayers, and holy Admonitions? Why did not he by Testament leave them, at least, some jolly Lumps and Cantles of substan∣tial Meat, a parcel of Cheek-puffing Vi∣ctuals, and a litttle Belly-Timber, and Provision for the Guts of these poor Folks, who have nothing but their Life in this World.

Let him go thither, who will; the Devil take me, if I go; for if I should, the Devil would not fail to snatch me up. Cancro: Ho, the Pox! Get you hence, Fryar Ihon; Art thou content that Thirty thousand Waineload of Devils should get away with thee at this same very instant? If thou be, at my Request, do these Three things: First, Give me thy Purse; for besides, that thy Money is marked with Crosses, and the Cross is an Enemy to Charms, the same may befall to thee, which not long ago happened to Ihon Dodin, Colle∣ctor of the Excise of Coudray, at the Ford of Vede, when the Soldiers broak the Planks. This money'd Fellow meeting at the very Brink of the Bank of the Ford, with Fryar Adam Crankcod, a Franciscan Ob∣servantin of Mirebeau, promised him a new Frock, provided, that in the transporting of him over the Water, he would bear him up∣on his Neck and Shoulders, after the man∣ner of carrying dead Goats: for he was a lusty, strong-limb'd, sturdy Rogue.

The Condition being agreed upon, Friar Crankcod trusseth himself up to his very Ballocks, and layeth upon his Back like a fair little Saint Christopher, the load of the said Supplicant Dodin, and so car∣ry'd him gayly and with a good Will; as Aeneas bore his Father Anchises through the Conflagration of Troy, singing in the mean while a prety Ave maris Stella. When they were in the very deepest place of all the Foord, a little above the Master-wheel of the Water-Mill, he asked if he had any Coin about him. Yes, (quoth Dodin) a whole Bag full; and that he needed not to mistrust his Ability in the performance of the Promise, which he had made unto him, concerning a new Frock. How! (quoth Friar Cranckcod) thou knowest well enough, that by the express Rules, Ca∣nons and Injunctions of our Order, we are forbidden to carry on us any kind of Money: Thou art truly unhappy, for having made me in this point to commit a hainous Trespass. Why didst thou not leave thy Purse with the Miller? With∣out fail thou shalt presently receive thy Reward for it; and if ever hereafter I may but lay hold upon thee within the Limits of our Chancel at Mirebeau, thou shalt have the Miserere even to the Vitulos. With this suddenly discharging himself of

his Burthen, he throws me down your Do∣din headlong.

Take Example by this Dodin, my dear Friend Friar Iohn, to the end that the Devils may the better carry thee away at thine own ease. Give me thy Purse. Car∣ry no manner of Cross upon thee. There∣in lieth an evident and manifestly appa∣rent Danger: For if you have any Silver coined with a Cross upon it, they will cast thee down headlong upon some Rocks; as the Eagles use to do with the Tortoises for the breaking of their Shells, as the bald Pate of the Poet Eschilus can suffici∣ently bear witness. Such a Fall would hurt thee very sore by Sweet Bully, and I would be sorry for it; or otherways they will let thee fall, and tumble down into the high swollen Waves of some capacious Sea, I know not where; but I warrant thee far enough hence, (as Icarus fell) which from thy Name would afterwards get the Denomination of the Funnelian Sea.

Secondly, Out of Debt: For the De∣vils carry a great liking to those that are out of Debt. I have sore felt the experi∣ence thereof in mine own particular; for now the lecherous Varlets are always woo∣ing me, courting me, and making much of me, which they never did when I was

all to pieces. The Soul of one in Debt is insipid, dry, and heretical altoge∣ther.

Thirdly, With the Cowl and Domino de Grobis, return to Raminagrobis; and in case, being thus qualify'd, Thirty Thou∣sand Boats full of Devils forthwith come not to carry thee quite away, I shall be content to be at the charge of paying for the Pinte and Fagot. Now if for the more Security thou wouldst some Associ∣ate to bear thee Company, let not me be the Comrade thou searchest for, think not to get a Fellow-Traveller of me; nay, do not, I advise thee for the best. Get you hence; I will not go thither; the Devil take me if I go. Notwithstanding all the Fright that you are in, (quoth Fri∣ar Ihon) I would not care so much, as might possibly be expected I should, if I once had but my Sword in my hand. Thou hast verily hit the Nail on the Head, (quoth Panurge) and speakest like a Learned Doctor, subtile, and well skil∣led in the Art of Devilry.

At the time when I was a Student in the University of Tolouse, that same Re∣verend Father in the Devil, Picarris, Re∣ctor of the Diabological Faculty, was wont to tell us, that the Devils did natu∣rally fear the bright glancing of Swords,

as much as the Splendour and Light of the Sun. In Confirmation of the Verity whereof he related this Story, That Her∣cules at his Descent into Hell to all the Devils of those Regions, did not by half so much terrifie them with his Club and Lion's Skin, as afterwards Aeneas did with his clear shining Armour upon him, and his Sword in his hand well furbished and unrusted, by the Aid, Council and Assi∣stance of the Sybilla Cumana. That was per∣haps the reason why the Senior Ihon Iaco∣mo di Trivulcio, whilst he was a dying at Chartres, called for his Cutlass, and died with a Drawn Sword in his hand, laying about him alongst and athwart around the Bed, and every where within his reach, like a stout, doughty, valorous and Knight-like Cavaleer: By which resolute manner of Fence he scared away and put to flight all the Devils that were then ly∣ing in wait for his Soul at the passage of his Death. When the Malsorets and Ca∣balists are asked, Why it is that none of all the Devils do at any time enter into the Terestrial Paradice? Their Answer hath been, is, and will be still, That there is a Cherubin standing at the Gate thereof with a Flame-like glistering Sword in his hand. Although to speak in the true Diabological Sence or Phrase of Toledo,

I must needs confess and acknowledge, that veritably the Devils cannot be killed, or die by the stroke of a Sword. I do ne∣vertheless avow and maintain, according to the Doctrine of the said Diabology, that they may suffer a Solution of Con∣tinuity; (as if with thy Shable thou shouldst cut athwart the Flamme of a burning Fire, or the gross opacous Exha∣lations of a thick and obscure Smoak) and cry out, like very Devils, at their Sense and Feeling of this Dissolution, which in real Deed I must averr and affirm is devil∣ishly painful, smarting and dolorous.

When thou seest the impetuous Shock of two Armies, and vehement Violence of the Push in their horrid Encounter with one another; dost thou think, Balockasso, that so horrible a noise as is heard there proceedeth from the Voice and Shouts of Men? The dashing and joulting of Har∣nish? The clattering and clashing of Ar∣mies? The hacking and slashing of Bat∣tle-Axes? The justling and crashing of Pikes? The bustling and breaking of Lances? The Clamour and Skrieks of the Wounded? The sound and din of Drums? The Clangour and Shrilness of Trumpets? The neighing and rushing in of Horses? with the fearful Claps and thundering of all sorts of Guns, from the Double Ca∣non

to the Pocket Pistol inclusively? I cannot, Goodly, deny, but that in these various things which I have rehearsed, there may be somewhat occasionative of the huge Yell and Tintamarre of the two engaged Bodies.

But the most fearful and tumultuous Coil and Stir, the terriblest and most boisterous Garboil and Hurry, the chiefest rustling Black Santus of all, and most prin∣cipal Hurly Burly, springeth from the grievously plangorous howling and low∣ing of Devils, who Pell-mell, in a hand-over-head Confusion, waiting for the poor Souls of the maimed and hurt Sol∣diery, receive unawares some Stroaks with Swords, and so by those means suffering a Solution of, and Division in the Continui∣ty of their Aerial and Invisible Substances: As if some Lackey, snatching at the Lard-slices, stuck in a piece of Roast-meat on the Spit, should get from Mr. Greazyfist a good rap on the Knuckles with a Cudgel, they cry out and shout like Devils. Even as Mars did, when he was hurt by Diome∣des at the Siege of Troy, who (as Homer te∣stifieth of him) did then raise his Voice more horrifically loud, and sonoriferously high, than ten thousand Men together would have been able to do. What ma∣keth all this for our present purpose? I

have been speaking here of well-furbished Armour and bright shining Swords. But so is it not (Friar Ihon) with thy Weapon; for by a long discontinuance of Work, cessation from Labour, desisting from making it officiate, and putting it into that practice wherein it had been former∣ly accustomed; and in a word, for want of occupation, it is, upon my Faith, be∣come more rusty than the Key-hole of an old Poudering-Tub. Therefore it is expedient that you do one of these two, either furbish your Weapon bravely, and as it ought to be, or otherwise have a care that in the rusty case it is in, you do not presume to return to the House of Rami∣nagrobis. For my part, I vow I will not go thither, the Devil take me if I go.

CHAP. XXIV. How Panurge consulteth with Epi∣stemon.

HAving left the Town of Villomere, as they were upon their return towards Pant••gruel, Panurge in addressing his Dis∣course

to Epistemon, spoke thus: My most ancient Friend and Gossip, thou seest the perplexity of my Thoughts, and know∣est many Remedies for the removal there∣of; art thou not able to help and succour me? Epistemon thereupon taking the Speech in hand, represented unto Panurge, how the open Voice and common Fame of the whole Country did run upon no other Discourse, but the derision and mockery of his new Disguise; wherefore his Counsel unto him was that he would in the first place be pleased to make use of a little Hellebore, for the purging of his Brain of that peccant ••umour, which thro' that extravagant and fantastick Mummery of his had furnished the People with a too just occasion of flouting and gibbing, jeering and scoffing him; and that next he would resume his ordinary Fashion of Accoutrement, and go apparelled as he was wont to do. I am (quoth Panurge) my dear Gossip Epistemon, of a mind and resolution to Marry, but am afraid of being a Cuckold, and to be unfortunate in my Wedlock: For this cause have I made a Vow to young St. Francis, (who at Plessiletours is much reverenced of all Women, earnestly cried unto by them, and with great Devotion; for he was the first Founder of the Confraternity of good

Men, whom they naturally covet, affect and long for) to wear Spectacles in my Cap, and to carry no Codpiece in my Breeches, un∣til the present Inquietude and Perturbati∣on of my Spirits be fully setled.

Truly (quoth Epistemon) that is a pretty jolly Vow, of Thirteen to a Dozen: It is a shame to you, and I wonder much at it, that you do not return unto your self, and recall your Senses from this their wild swarving and straying abroad to that rest and stilness which becomes a vertuous Man. This whimsical Conceit of yours brings me to the remembrance of a so∣lemn Promise made by the Shaghaired Ar∣gives, who having in their Controversie against the Lacedemonians for the Terreto∣ry of Tyree lost the Battle, which they ho∣ped should have decided it for their Ad∣vantage, vowed to carry never any hair on their Heads, till preallably they had recovered the loss of both their Honour and Lands: As likewise to the memory of the Vow of a pleasant Spaniard called Michel Doris, who vowed to carry in his Hat a piece of the Shin of his Leg, till he should be revenged of him who had struck it off. Yet do not I know which of these two deserveth most to wear a Green and Yellow Hood with a Hares Ears tied to it, either the aforesaid vain-glorious Champi∣on,

or that Euguerrant, who having forgot the art and manner of writing Histories, set down by the Samosatian Philosopher, maketh a most tediously long Narrative and Relation thereof: For at the first reading of such a profuse Discourse, one would think it had been broached for the introducing of a Story of great impor∣tance and moment concerning the waging of some formidable War, or the notable change and mutation of potent States and Kingdoms; but in conclusion, the World laugheth at the capricious Cham∣pion, at the English-man who had affront∣ed him, as also at their Scribler Euguerrant, more driveling at the Mouth than a Mu∣stard-pot. The Jest and Scorn thereof is not unlike to that of the Mountain of Ho∣race, which by the Poet was made to cry out and lament most enormously as a Wo∣man in the Pangs and Labour of Child∣birth, at which deplorable and exorbitant Cries and Lamentations the whole Neigh∣bourhood being assembled in expectation to see some marvellous monstrous Produ∣ction, could at last perceive no other but the paultry ridiculous Mouse.

Your mousing (quoth Panurge) will not make me leave my musing why Folks should be so frumpishly disposed, seeing I am certainly perswaded that some flout,

who merit to be flouted at; yet as my Vow imports so will I do. It is now a long time since, by Iupiter Philos, we did swear Faith and Amity to one another: Give me your Advice, and tell me your O∣pinion freely, Should I marry or no? Tru∣ly (quoth Epistemon) the case is hazardous, and the danger so eminently apparent, that I find my self too weak and insufficient to give you a punctual and peremptory re∣solution therein; and if ever it was true, the Iudgment is difficult in matters of the Medicinal Art, what was said by Hippocra∣tes of Lango, it is certainly so in this case. True it is, that in my Brain there are some rowling Fancies, by means whereof some∣what may be pitched upon of a seeming efficacy to the disintangling your mind of those dubious Apprehensions wherewith it is perplexed; but they do not tho∣roughly satisfie me. Some of the Plato∣nick Sect affirm, that whosoever is able to see his proper Genius, may know his own Destiny. I understand not their Do∣ctrine; nor do I think that you adhere to them; there is a palpable Abuse. I have seen the experience of it in a very cu∣rious Gentleman of the Country of E∣strangowre. This is one of the Points. There is yet another not much better. If there were any Authority now in the

Oracles of Iupiter Ammon; of Apollo in Lebadia, Delphos, Delos, Cyrra, Patara, Tegires, Preneste, Lycia, Colophon, or in the Castalian Fountain; near Antiochia in Sy∣ria; between the Branchidians; of Bacchus, in Dodona; of Mercure in Phares; near Parras; of Apis, in Egypt; of Serapis in Canorie; of Faunus in Menalia, and Albu∣nes near Tivoly; of Tiresias in Orchomenie; of Mosus in Silicia; of Orpheus in Lisbos; and of Trophonius in Lucadia. I would in that case advise you, and possibly not, to go thither for their Judgment concerning the Design and Enterprize you have in hand. But you know that they are all of them become as dumb as so many Fishes, since the Advent of that Saviour King, whose coming to this World hath made all Oracles and Prophesies to cease; as the approach of the Suns radiant Beams expelleth Goblins, Bugbears, Hobthrushes, Broams, Schriech-Owl-Mates, Night-walking Spirits, and Tenebrions. These now are gone; but although they were as yet in continuance, and in the same Pow∣er, Rule and Request that formerly they were, yet would not I counsel you to be too credulous in putting any Trust in their Responses: Too many Folks have been deceived thereby. It stands further∣more upon Record, how Agrippina did

charge the fair Lollia with the Crime of having interrogated the Oracle of Apollo Clarius, to understand if she should be at any time married to the Emperor Clau∣dius; for which Cause she was first ba∣nished, and thereafter put to a shameful and ignominious Death.

But (saith Panurge) let us do better; the Ogygian Islands are not far distant from the Haven of Sammalo: Let us, after that we shall have spoken to our King, make a Voyage thither. In one of these four Isles, to wit, that which hath its primest Aspect towards the Sun setting, it is reported, (and I have read in good Antick and Au∣thentick Authors) that there reside many Soothsayers, Fortune-tellers, Vaticinators, Prophets, and Diviners of things to come; that Saturn inhabiteth that place, bound with fair Chains of Gold, and within the Concavity of a Golden Rock, being nou∣rished with Divine Ambrosie and Nectar, which are daily in great store and abun∣dance transmitted to him from the Hea∣vens, by I do not well know what kind of Fowls (it may be that they are the same Ravens, which in the Deserts are said to have fed St. Paul, the first Her∣mit) he very clearly foretelleth unto every one, who is desirous to be certified of the condition of his Lot, what his Destiny

will be, and what future Chance the Fates have ordained for him: for the Parques, or Weerd Sisters do not twist, spin, or draw out a Thread; nor yet doth Iupiter per∣pend, project, or deliberate any thing, which the good old Coelestial Father knoweth not to the full, even whilst he is a sleep: This will be a very summary Abbreviation of our Labour, if we but hearken unto him a little upon the seri∣ous debate and canvassing of this my per∣plexity. That is (answered Epistemon) a Gullery too evident, a plain Abuse▪ and Fib too fabulous. I will not go, not I, I will not go.

CHAP. XXV. How Panurge consulteth with Her Trippa.

NEvertheless, (quoth Epistemon, con∣tinuing his Discourse) I will tell you what you may do, if you will believe me, before we return to our King: Hard by here, in the Brown-wheat Island, dwelleth Her Trippa; you know how by the Arts

of Astrology, Geomancy, Chiromancy, Metopomancy, and others of a like stuff and nature, he foretelleth all things to come: Let us talk a little, and confer with him about your Business. Of that (answered Panurge) I know nothing: but of this much concerning him I am assu∣red, that one day, and that not long since, whilst he was prating to the Great King, of Coelestial, Sublime, and Transcendent Things, the Lackqueys and Footboys of the Court, upon the upper Steps of Stairs between two Doors, jumbled, one after another, as often as they listed, his Wife; who is passable fair, and a pretty snug Hus∣sie. Thus he who seemed very clearly to see all Heavenly and Terrestrial Things without Spectacles, who discoursed bold∣ly of Adventures past, with great confi∣dence opened up present Cases and Acci∣dents, and stoutly professed the presaging of all future Events and Contingencies, and was not able with all the Skill and Cunning that he had, to perceive the Bumbasting of his Wife, whom he repu∣ted to be very chast; and hath not till this hour, got Notice of any thing to the con∣trary. Yet let us go to him, seeing you will have it so: for surely we can never learn too much. They on the very next ensuing Day, came to Her Trippa's Lodg∣ing.

Panurge, by way of Donative, pre∣sented him with a long Gown lined all thorough with Wolves-skins, with a short Sword mounted with a gilded Hilt, and covered with a Velvet Scabbard, and with fifty good single Angels: then in a familiar and friendly way did he ask of him his Opinion touching the Affair. At the very first Her Trippa looking on him very wist∣ly in the face, said unto him: Thou hast the Metoposcopy, and Physiognomy of a Cuckold; I say, of a notorious and infa∣mous Cuckold. With this casting an eye upon Panurge's right Hand in all the parts thereof, he said, This rugged Draught which I see here, just under the Mount of Iove, was never yet but in the Hand of a Cuckold. Afterwards, he with a White Lead Pen, swiftly, and hastily drew a certain Number of diverse kinds of Points, which by Rules of Geomancy he coupled and joyned together, then said, Truth it self is not truer, then that it is certain, thou wilt be a Cuckold, a little after thy Marriage. That being done, he asked of Panurge the Horoscope of his Nativity; which was no sooner by Panurge tendred unto him, then that, erecting a Figure, he very promptly and speedily formed and fashion'd a compleat Fabrick of the Houses of Heaven, in all their parts, whereof when

he had considered the Situation and the Aspects in their Triplicities, he fetched a deep sigh, and said: I have clearly enough already discovered unto you the Fate of your Cuckoldry, which is unavoidable, you cannot escape it; and here have I got of new a further assurance thereof, so that I may now hardily pronounce, and affirm without any scruple or hesitation at all, that thou wilt be a Cuckold; that fur∣thermore, thou wilt be beaten by thine own Wife, and that she will purloyn, filch, and steal of thy Goods from thee; for I find the Seventh House, in all its Aspects, of a malignant Influence, and every one of the Planets threatning thee with Disgrace, according as they stand seated towards one another, in relation to the Horned Signs of Aries, Taurus, and Capricorn: In the Fourth House I find Iupiter in a Deca∣dence, as also in a Tetragonal Aspect to Saturn, associated with Mercury: thou wilt be soundly pepper'd, my good honest Fellow, I warrant thee. I will be: (an∣swered Panurge) a Plague rot thee, thou old Fool, and doating Sot, how graceless and unpleasant thou art.

When all Cuckolds shall be at a Gene∣ral Rendezvous, thou shouldst be their Standard-bearer. But whence comes this Ciron-worm betwixt these two Fingers?

This Panurge said, putting the Fore-finger of his Left-hand, betwixt the Fore and Mid-finger of the Right, which he thrust out to∣wards Her Trippa, holding them open af∣ter the manner of two Horns, and shutting into a Fist his Thumb, with the other Fingers. Then in turning to Epistemon, he said, Lo here the true Ollus of Martial, who addicted and devoted himself wholly to the observing the Miseries, Crosses, and Calamities of others, whilst his own Wife, in the Interim, did keep an open Bawdy-house.

This Varlet is poorer then ever was Irus, and yet he is a proud, vaunting, ar∣rogant, self-conceited, over-weening, and more insupportable then Seventeen Devils; in one word, 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉, which term of old was applied to the like beggarly strut∣ting Coxcombs.

Come, let us leave this Madpash Bed∣lam, this hair-brain'd Fop, and give him leave to rave and dose his Belly-full, with his private and intimately acquainted Devils; who, if they were not the very worst of all the infernal Fiends, would ne∣ver have daigned to serve such a knavish, barking Cur as this is. He hath not learnt the first Precept of Philosophy, which is, Know thy Self: for whilst he braggeth and boasteth, that he can discern the least

Mote in the Eye of another, he is not a∣ble to see the huge Block that puts out the sight of both his Eyes. This is such ano∣ther Polypragmon, as is by Plutarch descri∣bed: He is of the nature of the Lamian Witches, who in forreign Places, in the Houses of Strangers, in Publick, and a∣mongst the common People, had a sharper and more piercing Inspection into their Affairs then any Lync; but at home in their own proper Dwelling-Mansions, were blinder then Mold-Warps, and saw nothing at all: for their Custom was at their return from abroad, when they were by themselves in private to take their Eyes out of their Head, from whence they were as easily removable as a Pair of Spe∣ctacles from their Nose, and to lay them up into a wooden Slipper, which for that purpose did hang behind the Door of their Lodging.

Panurge had no sooner done speaking, when Her Trippa took into his Hand a Ta∣marisk Branch. In this (quoth Epistemon) he doth very well, right, and like an Ar∣tist, for Nicander calleth it the Divinatory Tree. Have you a mind (quoth Her Trippa) to have the truth of the matter yet more fully and amply disclosed unto you by Pyromancy, by Aeromancy, (whereof Ari∣stophanes in his Clouds maketh great esti∣mation)

by Hydromancy, by Leconomancy, of old in prime request amongst the As∣syrians, and throughly tried by Hermolaus Barbarus: Come hither, and I will shew thee in this Platter-full of fair Fountain-water, thy future Wife, lechering, and sercroupierising it with two swaggering Ruffians, one after another. Yea, but have a special care (quoth Panurge) when thou comest to put thy Nose within mine Arse, that thou forget not to pull off thy Spectacles. Her Trippa going on in his Discourse, said by Catoptromancy, likewise held in such account by the Emperor Di∣dius Iulianus, that by means thereof he ever and anon foresaw all that which at any time did happen or befal unto him: Thou shalt not need to put on thy Spe∣ctacles, for in a Mirror thou wilt see her as clearly and manifestly. Nebrundiated, and Billibodring-it, as if I should shew it in the Fountain of the Temple of Minerva near Parras. By Coscinomancy, most reli∣giously observed of old, amidst the Cere∣monies of the ancient Romans. Let us have a Sieve and Shiers, and thou shalt see Devils. By Alphitomancy, cried up by Theocritus in his Pharmeketria. By Alento∣mancy, mixing the Flower of Wheat with Oatmeal, By Astragalomancy, whereof I have the Plots and Models all at hand

ready for the purpose. By Tyromancy, whereof we make some Proof in a great Brehemont Cheese, which I here keep by me: By Giromancy, if thou shouldst turn round Circles, thou mightest assure thy self from me, that they would fall al∣ways on the wrong side: By Sternoman∣cy, which maketh nothing for thy Ad∣vantage, for thou hast an ill proportion'd Stomach: By Libanomancy, for the which we shall need but a little Frankin∣cense: By Gastromancy, which kind of ventral Fatiloquency was for a long time together used in Ferrara by Lady Giacoma Rodogina, the Eugastrimythian Prophetess: By Cephalomancy, often practised a∣mongst the High Germans in their boiling of an Asses Head upon burning Coals: By Ceromancy, where by the means of Wax dissolved into Water, thou shalt see the Figure, Pourtrait and lively Repre∣sentation of thy future Wife, and of her Fredin Fredaliatory Belly thumping Blades: By Capnomancy; O the gal∣lantest and most excellent of all Se∣crets! By Axionomancy, we want only a Hatchet and a Jeat-stone to be laid together upon a quick Fire of hot Em∣bers. O how bravely Homer was versed in the practice hereof towards Penelope's Suiters! By Onymancy; for that we have

Oyl and Wax: By Tephromancy, thou wilt see the Ashes thus aloft dispersed, ex∣hibiting thy Wife in a fine Posture: By Botonomancy, for the nonce I have some few Leaves in reserve: By Sicomancy; O Divine Art in Fig-tree Leaves! By Icthiomancy, in ancient times so celebra∣ted, and put in use by Tiresias and Polyda∣mas, with the like certainty of event as was tried of old at the Dina-ditch within that Grove consecrated to Apollo, which is in the Territory of the Lycians: By Choiramancy. Let us have a great ma∣ny Hogs, and thou shalt have the Bladder of one of them: By Cheromomancy, as the Bean is found in the Cake at the Epi∣phany Vigil: By Anthropomancy, pra∣ctised by the Roman Emperor Heliagobu∣lus; it is somewhat irksom, but thou wilt endure it well enough, seeing thou art destinated to be a Cuckold: By a Sybilline Stichomancy: By Onomatomancy: How do they call thee! Chaw, turd; (quoth Panurge) or yet by Alectryomancy. If I should here with a Compass draw a round, and in looking upon thee, and consider∣ing thy Lot, divide the Circumference thereof into four and twenty equal parts, then form a several Letter of the Alpha∣bet upon every one of them; and lastly, posit a Barly Corn or two upon each of

these so disposed Letters, I durst promise upon my Faith and Honesty, that if a young Virgin Cock be permitted to range alongst and athwart them, he should on∣ly eat the Grains which are set and placed upon these Letters, A. C.u.c.k.o.l.d. T.h.o.u. s.h.a.l.t. b.e. And that as fatidically, as un∣der the Emperor Valence, most perplex∣edly desirous to know the Name of him, who should be his Successor to the Em∣pire, the Cock Vaticinating and Alectry∣omantick, are up the Pickles that were po∣sited on the Letters T.h.e.o.d. Or for the more certainty, will you have a trial of your Fortune by the Art of Aruspiciny? by Augury? or by Extispicine? By Tur∣dispicine, quoth Panurge; or yet by the Mystery of Negromancy? I will, if you please, suddenly set up again, and revive some one lately deceased, as Apollonius of Tyan did to Achilles, and the Pythoniss in the Presence of Saul; which Body so raised up and requickned, will tell us the Sum of all you shall require of him; no more nor less than at the Invocation of Erictho, a certain defunct Person foretold to Pompy the whole progress and issue of the fatal Battle fought in the Pharsalian Fields? Or if you be afraid of the Dead, as commonly all Cuckolds are, I will make use of the Faculty of Sciomancy.

Go, get thee gone (quoth Panurge) thou Frantick Ass, to the Devil, and be bug∣gered, filthy Bordachio that thou art, by some Albanian, for a Steeple-crown'd Hat. Why the Devil didst not thou counsel me as well to hold an Emerald, or the Stone of a Hyena under my Tongue? Or to furnish and provide my self with Tongues of Whoops, and Hearts of Green Frogs? Or to eat of the Liver and Milt of some Dragon? To the end that by those means I might at the chanting and chirping of Swans and other Fowls, understand the Substance of my future Lot and Destiny, as did of old the Ara∣bians in the Country of Mesopotamia? Fifteen brace of Devils seize upon the Bo∣dy and Soul of this horned, Renegado, miscreant Cuckold, the Inchanter, Witch, and Sorcerer of Antichrist to all the De∣vils of Hell.

Let us return towards our King: I am sure he will not be well pleased with us, if he once come to get notice that we have been in the Kennel of this muffled Devil. I repent my being come hither. I would willingly dispence with a Hun∣dred Nobles, and Fourteen Yeomans, on condition that he who not long since did blow in the bottom of my Breeches, should instantly with his squirting Spittle

inluminate his Mustaches. O Lord God now! how the Villain hath besmoaked me with Vexation and Anger, with Charms and Witchcraft, and with a ter∣rible Coyl and Stir of Infernal and Tar∣tarian Devils! The Devil take him: say Amen; and let us go drink. I shall not have any Appetite for my Victuals (how good Cheer soever I make) these two days to come, hardly these four.

CHAP. XXVI. How Panurge consulteth with Friar Ihon of the Funnels.

PAnurge was indeed very much troubled in mind, and disquieted at the words of Her Trippa, and therefore as she passed by the little Village of Hugmes, after he had made his Address to Friar Ihon, in pecking at, rubbing and scratching his own left Ear, he said unto him, Keep me a little jovial and merry, my dear and sweet Bully, for I find my Brains altoge∣ther metagrabolized and confounded, and my Spirits in a most dunsical puzzle at

the bitter talk of this Devillish, Hellish, Damned Fool: Hearken, my dainty Cod.

• Mellow C.
• Lead-coloured C.
• Knurled C.
• Suborned C.
• Desired C.
• Stuffed C.
• Speckled C.
• Finely metall'd C.
• Arabian-like C.
• Trussed up Grey∣hound-like C.
• Mounted C.
• Sleeked C.
• Diapred C.
• Spotted C.
• Master C.
• Seeded C.
• Lusty C.
• Jupped C.
• Milked C.
• Calfeted C.
• Raised C.
• Odd C.
• Steeled C.
• Stale C.
• Orange-tawny C.
• Imbroidered C.
• Glazed C.
• Interlarded C.
• Burger-like C.
• Impoudred C.
• Ebenized C.
• Brasiliated C.
• Organized C.
• Passable.
• Trunkified C.
• Furious C.
• Packed C.
• Hooded C.
• Varnished C.
• Renowned C.
• Matted C.
• Genetive C.
• Gigantal C.
• Oval C.
• Claustral C.
• Viril C.
• Stayed C.
• Massive C.
• Manual C.
• Absolute C.
• Well-set C.
• Gemel C.
• Turkish C.
• ...

• Burning C.
• Thwacking C.
• Urgent C.
• Handsome C.
• Prompt C.
• Fortunate C.
• Boxewood C.
• Latten C.
• Unbridled C.
• Hooked C.
• Researched C.
• Encompassed C.
• Strouting out C.
• Jolly C.
• Lively C.
• Gerundive C.
• Franked C.
• Polished C.
• Poudred Beef C.
• Positive C.
• Spared C.
• Bold C.
• Lascivious C.
• Gluttonous C.
• Resolute C.
• Cabbage-like C.
• Courteous C.
• Fertil C.
• Whizzing C.
• Neat C.
• Common C.
• Brisk C.
• Quick C.
• Barelike C.
• Partitional C.
• Patronymick C.
• Cockney C.
• Auromercuriated C.
• Robust C.
• Appetizing C.
• Succourable C.
• Redoutable C.
• Affable C.
• Memorable C.
• Palpable C.
• Barbable C.
• Tragical C.
• Transpontine C.
• Digestive C.
• Active C.
• Vital C.
• Magistral C.
• Monachal C.
• Subtil C.
• Hammering C.
• Clashing C.
• Tingling C.
• Usual C.
• Exquisite C.
• Trim C.
• Succulent C.
• Factious C.
• ...

• Clammy C.
• Fat C.
• High-prised C.
• Requisite C.
• Laycod C.
• Hand-filling C.
• Insuperable C.
• Agreeable C.
• Formidable C.
• Profitable C.
• Notable C.
• Musculous C.
• Subsidiary C.
• Satyrick C.
• Repercussive C.
• Convulsive C.
• Restorative C.
• Masculinating C.
• Incarnative C.
• Sigillative C.
• Sallying C.
• Plump C.
• Thundering C.
• Lechering C.
• Fulminating C.
• Sparkling C.
• Ramming C.
• Lusty C.
• Houshold C.
• Pretty C.
• Astrolabian C.
• Algebraical C.
• Venust C.
• Aromatizing C.
• Trixy C.
• Paillard C.
• Gaillard C.
• Broaching C.
• Adle C.
• Syndicated C.
• Boulting C.
• Snorting C.
• Pilfring C.
• Shaking C.
• Bobbing C.
• Chiveted C.
• Fumbling C.
• Topsiturvying C.
• Raging C.
• Piled up C.
• Filled up C.
• Manly C.
• Idle C.
• Membrous C.
• Strong C.
• Twin C.
• Belabouring C.
• Gentil C.
• Stirring C.
• Confident C.
• ...

• Nimble C.
• Roundheaded C.
• Figging C.
• Helpful C.
• Spruce C.
• Plucking C.
• Ramage C.
• Fine C.
• Fierce C.
• Brawny C.
• Compt C.
• Repaired C.
• Soft C.
• Wild C.
• Renewed C.
• Quaint C.
• Starting C.
• Fleshy C.
• Auxiliary C.
• New vamped C.
• Improved C.
• Malling C.
• Sounding C.
• Batled C.
• Burly C.
• Seditious C.
• Wardian C.
• Protective C.
• Twinkling C.
• Able C.
• Algoristical C.
• Odoriferous C.
• Pranked C.
• Jocund C.
• Routing C.
• Purloyning C.
• Frolick C.
• Wagging C.
• Ruffling C.
• Jumbling C.
• Rumbling C.
• Thumping C.
• Bumping C.
• C••ingeling C.
• Berumpling C.
• Jogging C.
• Nobbing C.
• Touzing C.
• Tumbling C.
• Fambling C.
• Overturning C.
• Shooting C.
• Culeting C.
• Jagged C.
• Pinked C.
• Arsiversing C.
• Polished C.
• Slasht C.
• Hamed C.
• Leisurely C.
• Cut C.
• Smooth C.
• ...

• Depending C.
• Independent C.
• Lingring C.
• Rapping C.
• Reverend C.
• Nodding C.
• Disseminating C.
• Affecting C.
• Affected C.
• Grapled C.
• Stuffed C.
• Well-fed C.
• Flourished C.
• Fallow C.
• Sudden C.
• Grasp-full C.
• Swillpow C.
• Crushing C.
• Creaking C.
• Dilting C.
• Ready C.
• Vigorous C.
• Scoulking C.
• Superlative C.
• Clashing C.
• Wagging C.
• Scriplike C.
• Encremaster'd C.
• Bouncing C.
• Levelling C.
• Fly-flap C.
• Perinae tegminal C.
• Squat-couching C.
• Short-hung C.
• The hypogastrian C.
• Witness bearing C.
• Testigerous C.
• Instrumental C.

My Harcabuzing Cod, and Buttock-stirring Ballock, Fryar Ihon, my Friend: I do carry a singular respect unto thee, and honour thee with all my Heart, thy Counsel I hold for a choice and delicate Morsel, therefore have I reserved it for the last Bit. Give me thy Advice freely, I beseech thee; Should I marry, or no? Fryar Ihon very merrily, and with a sprightly chearfulness made this Answer to him: Marry, in the Devil's Name,

Why not? What the Devil else shouldst thou do, but marry? Take thee a Wife, and furbish her Harnish to some tune: Swinge her Skin-coat, as if thou wert beat∣ing on Stock-fish; and let the repercussi∣on of thy Clapper from her resounding Metal, make a Noise, as if a double Peal of Chiming-Bells were hung at the Cre∣masters of thy Ballocks. As I say Marry, so do I understand, that thou shouldst fall to work as speedily as may be: yea, my meaning is, that thou oughtest to be so quick and forward therein, as on this same very day, before Sun-set, to cause, proclaim thy Banes of Matrimony, and make provision of Bedsteads. By the Blood of a Hog's-pudding, till when wouldst thou delay the acting of a Hus∣band's part? Dost thou not know, and is it not daily told unto thee, that the end of the World approacheth? We are nearer it by three Poles, and half a Fathom, then we were two days ago. The Antichrist is already born, at least it is so reported by many: the truth is, that hitherto the ef∣fects of his wrath have not reached further then to the scratching of his Nurse and Governesses: his Nails are not sharp e∣nough as yet, nor have his Claws attained to their full growth; he is little.

Crescat; Nos qui vivimus, multiplicemur. It is written so, and it is holy stuff, I warrant you: The truth whereof is like to last as long as a Sack of Corn may be had for a Penny, and a Punction of pure Wine for Three-pence. Would thou be content to be found with thy Genitories full in the Day of Judgment? Dum vene∣ris judicari. Thou hast (quoth Panurge) a right, clear, and neat Spirit, Fryar Ihon, my Metropolitan ••od; thou speakst in very deed pertinently, and to purpose: That belike was the reason which moved Leander of Abydos in Asia, whilst he was swimming through the Hellespontick Sea, to make a Visit to his Sweetheart Hero of Se∣stus in Europe, to pray unto Neptune, and all the other Marine Gods, thus:

Now, whilst I go, have pity on me, And at my back returning drown me.

He was loath, it seems, to die with his Cods over-gorged: He was to be com∣mended, therefore do I promise, that from henceforth no Malefactor shall by Justice be executed within my Jurisdiction of Sal∣migondinois, who shall not, for a day or two at least before, he be permitted to culbut, and foraminate, Onocrotalwise, that there remain not in all his Vessels, to

write a great Greek 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉; such a precious thing should not be foolishly cast away; he will perhaps therewith beget a Male, and so depart the more contentedly out of this Life, that he shall have left behind him one for one.

CHAP. XXVII. How Fryar Ihon merrily, and sportingly counselleth Panurge.

BY Saint Rigomet (quoth Fryar Ihon) I do advise thee to nothing, my dear Friend Panurge) which I would not do my self, were I in thy place: only have a special care, and take good heed thou soulder well together the Joynts of the double backed, and two bellied Beast, and fortifie thy Nerves so strongly, that there be no discontinuance in the Knocks of the Venerian thwacking, else thou art lost, poor Soul: for if there pass long intervals betwixt the Priapising Feats, and that thou make an intermission of too large a time, that will befall thee, which betides the Nurses, if they desist from giving suck to

Children, they lose their Milk; and if continually thou do not hold thy Asper∣sory Tool in exercise, and keep thy Men∣tal going, thy Lacticinian Nectar will be gone, and it will serve thee only as a Pipe to piss out at, and thy Cods for a Wallet of lesser value then a Beggars Scrip. This is a certain truth I tell thee, Friend, and doubt not of it; for my self have seen the sad experiment thereof in many, who cannot now do what they would, because before they did not what they might have done: Ex desuetudine amittuntur Privilegia: Non-usage oftentimes destroys ones Right, say the learned Doctors of the Law: there∣fore, my Billy, entertain as well as possibly thou canst, that Hypogastrian, lower sort of Troglodytick People, that their chief plea∣sure may be placed in the case of sempiter∣nal labouring. Give order that henceforth they live not like adle Gentlemen, idly upon their Rents and Revenues, but that they may work for their Livelyhoood, by breaking ground within the Paphian Tren∣ches. Nay truly (answered Panurge) Fryar Ihon, my left Ballock, I will believe thee, for thou dealest plain with me, and fal∣lest down-right square upon the business, without going about the Bush with frivo∣lous circumstances, and unnecessary re∣servations. Thou with the splendour of

a piercing Wit, hast dissipated all the lour∣ing Clouds of anxious Apprehensions and Suspicions, which did intimidate and ter∣rifie me: therefore the Heavens be plea∣sed to grant to thee, at all She-conflicts, a stiff-standing Fortune. Well then, as thou hast said, so will I do, I will, in good Faith, Marry; in that point there shall be no failing, I promise thee, and shall have always by me pretty Girls clothed with the Name of my Wives Waiting-Maids, that lying under thy Wings, thou mayest be Night-Protector of their Sister∣hood.

Let this serve for the first part of the Sermon. Hearken (quoth Fryar Ihon) to the Oracle of the Bells of Varenes; What say they? I hear and understand them (quoth Panurge) their Sound is by my Thirst, more uprightly fatidical, then that of Iove's Great Kettles in Dodona. Heark∣en; Take thee a Wife, take thee a Wife, and marry, marry, marry: for if thou marry, thou shalt find good therein, herein, here in a Wife thou shalt find good; so marry, marry. I will assure thee, that I shall be married, all the Elements invite and prompt me to it: let this Word be to thee a Brazen Wall, by diffidence not to be broken thorough. As for the Second part of this our Do∣ctrine: Thou seemest in some measure to

mistrust the readiness of my Paternity, in the practising of my Placket-Racket with∣in the Aphrodisian Tennis-Court at all times fitting, as if the stiff God of Gardens were not favourable to me. I pray thee, favour me so much as to believe, that I still have him at a beck, attending always my Com∣mandments, docile, obedient, vigorous, and active in all things, and every-where, and never stubborn or refractory to my will or pleasure.

I need no more, but to let go the Reins, and slacken the Leash, which is the Belly-point, and when the Game is shewn un∣to him, say, Hey, Iack, to thy Booty, he will not fail even then to flesh himself up∣on his Prey, and tuzle it to some purpose. Hereby you may perceive, although my future Wife were as unsatiable and glutto∣nous in her Voluptuousness, and the De∣lights of Venery, as ever was the Empress Messalina, or yet the Marchioness in Eng∣land; and I desire thee to give credit to it, that I lack not for what is requisite to over••oy the Stomach of her Lust, but have wherewith aboundingly to please her.

I am not ignorant that Salomon said, who indeed of that matter speaketh Clerk-like, and learnedly: as also how Aristotle after him declared for a truth, That for the greater part, the Lechery of a Woman

is ravenous and unsatisfiable: neverthe∣less, let such as are my Friends, who read those passages, receive from me for a most real verity, that I for such a Gill, have a fit Iack; and that, if Womens things can∣not be satiated, I have an Instrument inde∣fatigable; an Implement as copious in the giving, as can in craving be their Vade Mecums. Do not here produce ancient Examples of the Paragons of Paillardise, and offer to match with my Testiculatory A∣bility, the Priapaean Prowess of the fabu∣lous Fornicators, Hercules, Proculus, Caesar, and Mahomet, who in his Alchoran doth vaunt, that in his Cods he had the vigour of Threescore Bully Ruffians; but let no zealous Christian trust the Rogue, the filthy ribald Rascal is a Lyar. Shall thou need to urge Authorities, or bring forth the Instance of the Indian Prince, of whom Theophrastus Plinius, and Athenaeus testifie, that with the help of a certain Herb, he was able, and had given frequent Experi∣ments thereof, to toss his sinewy Piece of Generation, in the Act of carnal Concu∣piscence, above Threescore and ten times in the space of Four and twenty hours. Of that I believe nothing, the number is sup∣posititious, and too prodigally foisted in: Give no Faith unto it, I beseech thee, but prithee trust me in this, and thy credulity

therein shall not be wronged; for it is true, and Probatum est, that my Pionier of Nature, the sacred Ithyphallian Champion, is of all stiff-intruding Blades the primest: Come hither my Ballockette, and hearken, Didst thou ever see the Monk of Castres Cowl? when in any House it was laid down, whether openly in the view of all, or covertly out of the sight of any, such was the ineffable Vertue thereof for exci∣tating and stirring up the People of both Sexes unto Lechery, that the whole Inha∣bitants and Indwellers, not only of that, but likeways of all the circumjacent places thereto, within three Leagues around it, did suddenly enter into Rut, both Beasts and Folks, Men and Women, even to the Dogs and Hogs, Rats and Cats.

I swear to thee, that many times hereto∣fore I have perceived, and found in my Codpiece a certain kind of Energy, or effi∣cacious Vertue, much more irregular, and of a greater Anomaly, then what I have related: I will not speak to thee either of House or Cottage, nor of Church or Market, but only tell thee, that once at the Representation of the Passion, which was acted at Saint Mexents; I had no soon∣er entred within the Pit of the Theater, but that forthwith, by the vertue and oc∣cult property of it, on a sudden all that

were there, both Players and Spectators, did fall into such an exorbitant Tempta∣tion of Lust, that there was not Angel, Man, Devil, nor Deviless, upon the place, who would not then have Bri∣collitched it with all their Heart and Soul.

The Prompter forsook his Copy, he who played Michael's part, came down to rights, the Devils issued out of Hell, and carried along with them most of the pret∣ty little Girls that were there; yea, Luci∣fer got out of his Fetters; in a word: seeing the huge Disorder, I disparked my self forth of that inclosed place, in imita∣tion of Cato the Censor, who perceiving by reason of his presence, the Floralian Festivals out of order, withdrew him∣self.

CHAP. XXVIII. How Friar Ihon comforteth Panurge in the douhtful matter of Cuckoldry.

I Understand thee well enough, said Friar Ihon; but time makes all things plain. The most durable Marbre or Por∣phyr is subject to Old Age and Decay. Though for the present thou possibly be not weary of the Exercise, yet is it like, I will hear thee confess a few years hence, that thy Cods hang dangling downwards for want of a better Truss. I see thee waxing a little hoar-headed already; thy Beard by the Distinctions of grey, white, tawny and black, hath to my thinking the resemblance of a Map of the Terre∣strial Globe, or Geographical Cart. Look attentively upon, and take Inspe∣ction of what I shall show unto thee. Behold there Asia, here are Tygris and Euphrates. Lo there Africk; here is the Mountain of the Moon, yonder thou mayst perceive the Fenny Marsh of Ni∣lus. On this side lieth Europe: Dost thou

not see the Abby of Tileme? This little Tuft, which is altogether white, is the Hyperborean Hills. By the thirst of my Throple, Friend, when Snow is on the Mountains, I say the Head and the Chin, there is not then any considerable Heat to be expected in the Valleys and Low-Countries of the Codpiece. By the Kibes of thy Heels (quoth Panurge) thou dost not understand the Topicks. When Snow is on the tops of the Hills, Lightning, Thunder, Tempest, Whirlwinds, Storms, Hurricanes, and all the Devils of Hell rage in the Valleys. Wouldst thou see the experience thereof, go to the Terri∣tory of the Swissers, and earnestly perpend with thy self there the Situation of the Lake of Wendelberliok, about four Leagues distant from Berne, on the Syon-side of the Land. Thou twittest me with my Grey Heirs, yet considerest not how I am of the Nature of Leeks, which with a white Head carry a green, fresh, streight, and vigorous Tail.

The truth is nevertheless, (why should I deny it) that I now and then discern in my self some indicative Signs of Old Age. Tell this, I prithee, to no body, but let it be kept very close and secret be∣twixt us two; for I find the Wine much sweeter now, more savoury to my taste,

and unto my Palate of a better relish than formerly I was wont to do; and withal, besides mine accustomed manner, I have a more dreadful Apprehension than I ever heretofore have had of lighting on bad Wine. Note and observe that this doth argue and portend I know not what of the West and Occident of my time, and signifieth that the South and Meridian of mine Age is past. But what then? my Gentle Companion, that doth but beto∣ken that I will hereafter drink so much the more. That is not, the Devil hale it, the thing that I fear; nor is there where my Shoo pinches. The thing that I doubt most, and have greatest reason to dread and suspect, is, that through some long absence of our King Pantagruel (to whom I must needs bear Company, should he go to all the Devils of Berathrum) my fu∣ture Wife shall make me a Cuckold. This is, in truth, the long and the short on't: For I am by all those whom I have spoke to menac'd and threatned with a Horned Fortune; and all of them affirm, it is the Lot to which from Heaven I am pre∣destinated. Every one (answered Friar Ihon) that would be a Cuckold, is not one: If it be thy Fate to be hereafter of the number of that Horned Cattle, then may I conclude with an Ergo, thy Wife

will be beautiful, and Ergo, thou wilt be kindly used by her: Likewise with this Ergo thou shalt be blissed with the fruition of many Friends and Well-willers: And finally with this other Ergo thou shalt be saved, and have a place in Paradise. These are Monachal Topicks and Maxims of the Cloyster: Thou mayst take more liberty to sin: Thou shalt be more at ease than ever: There will be nevertheless left for thee, nothing diminished, but thy Goods shall increase notably: And if so be it was preordinated for thee, wouldst thou be so impious as not to acquiesce in thy Destiny? Speak thou jaded Cod,

• Faded C.
• Mouldy C.
• Musty C.
• Paultery C.
• Senseless C.
• Foundred C.
• Distempred C.
• Berayed C.
• Inveigled C.
• Dangling C.
• Stupid C.
• Seedless C.
• Soaked C.
• Lowting C.
• Discouraged C.
• Surfeited C.
• Peevish C.
• Translated C.
• Forlorn C.
• Unsavoury C.
• Worm-eaten C.
• Overtoiled C.
• Miserable C.
• Steeped C.
• Kneaded with cold Water C.
• Appealant C.
• Swagging C.
• Withered C.
• Broken reined C.
• ...

• Defective C.
• Crestfallen C.
• Felled C.
• Fleeted C.
• Cloyed C.
• Squeezed C.
• Resty C.
• Pounded C.
• Loose C.
• Coldish C.
• Peckled C.
• Churned C.
• Filiped C.
• Singlefied C.
• Begrimed C.
• Wrinkled C.
• Fainted C.
• Extenuated C.
• Grim C.
• Wasted C.
• Inflamed C.
• Unhinged C.
• Scurfie C.
• Stradling C.
• Putrified C.
• Maimed C.
• Overlechered C.
• Druggely C.
• Mitified C.
• Goat-ridden C.
• Weakned C.
• Asse-ridden C.
• Puff-pasted C.
• St. Anthonified C.
• Untriped C.
• Blasted C.
• Cut off C.
• Beveraged C.
• Scarified C.
• Dasht C.
• Slasht C.
• Infeebled C.
• Whore-hunting C.
• Deteriorated C.
• Chil C.
• Scrupulous C.
• Crazed C.
• Tasteless C.
• Hacked C.
• Flaggy C.
• Scrubby C.
• Drained C.
• Haled C.
• Lolling C.
• Drenched C.
• Burst C.
• Stirred up C.
• Mitred C.
• Pedlingly furnished C.
• Rusty C.
• Exhausted C.
• ...

• Perplexed C.
• Unhelved C.
• Fizled C.
• Leaprous C.
• Bruised C.
• Spadonick C.
• Boughty C.
• Mealy C.
• Wrangling C.
• Gangreened C.
• Crustrisen C.
• Ragged C.
• Quelled C.
• Bragodochio C.
• Beggarly C.
• Trepanned C.
• Bedusked C.
• Emasculated C.
• Corked C.
• Transparent C.
• Vile C.
• Antidated C.
• Chopped C.
• Pinked C.
• Cup-glassified C.
• Fruitless C.
• Riven C.
• Pursie C.
• Fusty C.
• Jadish C.
• Fistulous C.
• Languishing C.
• Maleficiated C.
• Hectick C.
• Worn out C.
• Ill-favoured C.
• Duncified C.
• Macerated C.
• Paralytick C.
• Degraded C.
• Benummed C.
• Bat-like C.
• Fart-shotten C.
• Sun-burnt C.
• Pacified C.
• Blunted C.
• Rankling tasted C.
• Rooted out C.
• Costive C.
• Hailed on C.
• Cuffed C.
• Buffeted C.
• Whirreted C.
• Robbed C.
• Neglected C.
• Lame C.
• Confused C.
• Unsavoury C.
• Overthrown C.
• Boulted C.
• Trod under C.
• Desolate C.
• ...

• Declining C.
• Stinching C.
• Sorrowful C.
• Murthered C.
• Matachin-like C.
• Besotted C.
• Customerless C.
• Minced C.
• Exulcerated C.
• Patched C.
• Stupified C.
• Annihilated C.
• Spent C.
• Foiled C.
• Aguish C.
• Disfigured C.
• Disabled C.
• Forcedless C.
• Censured C.
• Cut C.
• Rifled C.
• Undone C.
• Corrected C.
• Slit C.
• Skittish C.
• Spungy C.
• Botched C.
• Dejected C.
• Jagged C.
• Pining C.
• Deformed C.
• Mischieved C.
• Cobled C.
• Imbased C.
• Ransacked C.
• Despised C.
• Mangy C.
• Abased C.
• Supine C.
• Mended C.
• Dismayed C.
• Harsh C.
• Beaten C.
• Barred C.
• Abandoned C.
• Confounded C.
• Lowtish C.
• Born down C.
• Sparred C.
• Abashed C.
• Unseasonable C.
• Opprest C.
• Grated C.
• Falling away C.
• Smalcut C.
• Disordered C.
• Lattised C.
• Ruined C.
• Exasperated C.
• Rejected C.
• Belammed C.
• Fabricitant C.
• ...

• Perused C.
• Emasculated C.
• Roughly handled C.
• Examined C.
• Crakt C.
• Waiward C.
• Hagled C.
• Gleaning C.
• Ill-favoured C.
• Pulled C.
• Drooping C.
• Faint C.
• Parched C.
• Paultry C.
• Cankred C.
• Void C.
• Vexed C.
• Bestunk C.
• Crooked C.
• Brabling C.
• Rotten C.
• Anxious C.
• Clouted C.
• Tired C.
• Proud C.
• Fractured C.
• Melancholy C.
• Coxcombly C.
• Base C.
• Bleaked C.
• Detested C.
• Diaphanous C.
• Unworthy C.
• Checked C.
• Mangled C.
• Turned over C.
• Harried C.
• Flawed C.
• Froward C.
• Ugly C.
• Drawn C.
• Riven C.
• Distasteful C.
• Hanging C.
• Broken C.
• Limber C.
• Effeminate C.
• Kindled C.
• Evacuated C.
• Grieved C.
• Carking C.
• Disorderly C.
• Empty C.
• Disquieted C.
• Besysted C.
• Confounded C.
• Hooked C.
• Diverous C.
• Wearied C.
• Sad C.
• Cross C.
• Vain-glorious C.
• ...

• Poor C.
• Brown C.
• Shrunkin C.
• Abhorred C.
• Troubled C.
• Scornful C.
• Dishonest C.
• Reproved C.
• Cocketed C.
• Filthy C.
• Shred C.
• Chawned C.
• Short-winded C.
• Branchless C.
• Chapped C.
• Failing C.
• Deficient C.
• Lean C.
• Consumed C.
• Used C.
• Puzled C.
• Allayed C.
• Spoiled C.
• Clagged C.
• Palsey-strucken C.
• Amazed C.
• Bedunsed C.
• Extirpated C.
• Banged C.
• Stripped C.
• Hoary C.
• Winnowed C.
• Decayed C.
• Disastrous C.
• Unhandsom C.
• Stummed C.
• Barren C.
• Wretched C.
• Feeble C.
• Cast down C.
• Stopped C.
• Kept under C.
• Stubborn C.
• Ground C.
• Retchless C.
• Weather-beaten C.
• Flayed C.
• Bauld C.
• Tossed C.
• Flapping C.
• Cleft C.
• Meagre C.
• Dumpified C.
• Supprest C.
• Hagged C.
• Jawped C.
• Havocked C.
• Astonished C.
• Dulled C.
• Slow C.
• Plucked up C.
• Constipated C.
• ...

• Blown C.
• Blockify'd C.
• Pommeled C.
• All-to-be mawl'd C.
• Fallen away C.
• Unlucky C.
• Steril C.
• Beshitten C.
• Appeased C.
• Caitive C.
• Woful C.
• Unseemly C.
• Heavy C.
• Weak C.
• Prostrated C.
• Uncomely C.
• Naughty C.
• Laid flat C.
• Suffocated C.
• Held down C.
• Barked C.
• Hairless C.
• Flamping C.
• Hooded C.
• Wormy C.
• Besysted C.
• Faulty C.
• Bemealed C.
• Mortified C.
• Scurvy C.
• Bescabbed C.
• Torn C.
• Subdued C.
• Sneaking C.
• Bare C.
• Swart C.
• Smutched C.
• Raised up C.
• Chopped C.
• Flirted C.
• Blained C.
• Blotted C.
• Sunk in C.
• Gastly C.
• Unpointed C.
• Beblistered C.
• Wizened C.
• Begger-plated C.
• Douf C.
• Clarty C.
• Lumpish C.
• Abject C.
• Side C.
• Choaked up C.
• Backward C.
• Prolix C.
• Spotted C.
• Crumpled C.
• Frumpled C.
• State C.
• Corrupted C.
• Beflowred C.
• ...

• Amated C.
• Blackish C.
• Underlaid C.
• Loathing C.
• Ill-filled C.
• Bobbed C.
• Mated C.
• Tawny C.
• Whealed C.
• Besmeared C.
• Hollow C.
• Pantless C.
• Guizened C.
• Demiss C.
• Refractory C.
• Rensie C.
• Frowning C.
• Limping C.
• Raveled C.
• Rammish C.
• Gaunt C.
• Beskimmered C.
• Scraggy C.
• Lank C.
• Swashring C.
• Moyling C.
• Swinking C.
• Harried C.
• Tugged C.
• Towed C.
• Misused C.
• Adamitical C.

Balockatso to the Devil, my dear Friend Panurge, seeing it is so decreed by the Gods, wouldst thou invert the course of the Planets, and make them retrograde? Wouldst thou disorder all the Coelestial Spheres? blame the Intelligences, blunt the Spindles, joynt the Wherves, slander the Spinning Quills, reproach the Bob∣bins, revile the Clew-bottoms, and final∣ly ravel and untwist all the Threads of both the warp and the waft of the weer'd Sister Parques? What a Pox to thy Bones dost thou mean, stony Cod? thou wouldst if thou couldst, a great deal worse than

the Gyants of old intended to have done▪ Come hither, Billicullion; Whether wouldst thou be Jealous without cause, or be a Cuckold and know nothing of it? Neither the one nor the other (quoth Pa∣nurge) would I choose to be: But if I get an inkling of the matter, I will provide well enough, or there shall not be one stick of Wood within Five hundred Leagues about me, whereof to make a Cudgel. In good Faith (Fryar Ihon) I speak now seriously unto thee, I think it will be my best not to marry: Hearken to what the Bells do tell me, now that we are nearer to them: Do not Marry, Marry not, not, not, not, not; Marry, Marry not, not, not, not, not: If thou Marry, thou wilt miscarry, carry, carry▪ thou'lt repent it, re∣sent it, sent it: if thou Marry, thou a Cuc∣kold, a Cou-cou-Cuckoe, Cou-cou-Cuckold thou shalt be. By the worthy Wrath of God I begin to be angry; this Campanilian Ora∣cle fretteth me to the Guts, a March-Hare was never in such a Chaff as I am. O how I am vexed! you Monks and Fryars of the Cowl-pated, and Hood-poll'd Fra∣ternity, have you no Remedy nor Salve against this Malady of Graffing Horns in Heads? Hath Nature so abandoned Hu∣mane-kind, and of her help left us so de∣stitute, that married Men cannot know

how to sail through the Seas of this mortal Life, and be safe from the Whirlpools, Quicksands, Rocks, and Banks, that lie a∣longst the Coast of Cornwall.

I will (said Fryar Ihon) shew thee a way, and teach thee an expedient, by means whereof thy Wife shall never make thee a Cuckold without thy knowledge, and thine own consent. Do me the favour, I pray thee, (quoth Panurge) my pretty soft downy Cod; now tell it, Billy, tell it, I beseech thee. Take (quoth Fryar Ihon) Hans Carvel's Ring up∣on thy Finger, who was the King of Me∣linda's chief Jeweller; besides that, this Hans Carvel had the Reputation of being very skilful and expert in the Lapidary's Profession, he was a studious, learned, and ingenious Man, a Scientifick Person, full of Knowledge, a great Philosopher, of a sound Judgment, of a prime Wit, good Sence, clear Spirited, an honest Creature, Courteous, Charitable, Giver of Alms, and of a Jovial Humour, a Boon Companion, and a Merry Blade, if ever there was any in the World: He was somewhat Gorbellied, had a little Shake in his Head, and in ef∣fect unwieldy of his Body; in his Old Age he took to Wife the Bayliff of Concordat's Daughter, a young, fair, jolly, gallant, spruce, frisk, brisk, neat, feat, smirk ••••ug, compt, quaint, gay, fine, trixy, tri••••, de∣cent,

proper, graceful, handsome, beauti∣ful, comely; and kind, a little too much to her Neighbours and Acquaintance.

Hereupon it fell out, after the expiring of a scantling of Weeks, that Master Car∣vel became as jealous as a Tygar, and en∣tred into a very profound suspition, that his new-married Gixy did keep a Buttock-stirring with others: to prevent which inconveniency, he did tell her many tra∣gical Stories of the total Ruine of several Kingdoms by Adultery; did read unto her the Legend of chast Wives; then made some Lectures to her in the praise of the choice Vertue of Pucidity, and did pre∣sent her with a Book in Commendation of Conjugal Fidelity: wherein the wic∣kedness of all licentious Women was odi∣ously detested; and withal, he gave her a Chain enriched with pure Oriental Sa∣phires. Notwithstanding all this, he found her always more and more inclined to the reception of her Neighbour Copes-mates, that day by day his Jealousie increased; in sequel whereof, one Night as he was lying by her, whilst in his Sleep the ram∣bling Fancies of the leacherous Deport∣ments of his Wife, did take up the Celluls, of his Brain, he dreamt that he encountred with the Devil, to whom he had disco∣vered to the full the buzzing of his Head,

and suspicion that his Wife did tread her Shooe awry; the Devil, he thought, in this perplexity, did for his comfort, give him a Ring, and therewithal did kindly put it on his Middle-finger, saying, Hans Carvel, I give thee this Ring, whilst thou carriest it upon that Finger, thy Wife shall never carnally be known by any o∣ther then thy self, without thy special knowledge and consent. Grammercy (quoth Hans Carvel) my Lord Devil, I renounce Mahomet, if ever it shall come off my Finger. The Devil vanished, as is his Custom, and then Hans Carvel full of Joy awaking, found that his Middle-finger was as far as it could reach within the What-do-you-call-it of his Wife. I did forget to tell thee, how his Wife, as soon as she had felt the Finger there, said in re∣coyling her Buttocks, Off, yes, nay, tut, pish, tush, aye, Lord, that is not the thing which should be put up in that place. With this Hans Carvel thought that some pilferring Fellow was about to take the Ring from him.

Is not this an Infallible and Sovereign Antidote? therefore, if thou wilt believe me, in imitation of this Example, never fail to have continually the Ring of thy Wife's Commodity upon thy Finger. When that was said, their Discourse and their Way ended.

CHAP. XXIX. How Pantagruel Convocated together a Theologian, Physitian, Lawyer, and Philosopher, for extricating Panurge out of the perplexity wherein he was.

NO sooner were they come into the Royal Palace, but they, to the full, made Report unto Pantagruel of the Suc∣cess of their Expedition; they shew him the Response of Paminagrobis. When Pan∣tagruel had read it over and over again, the oftner he perused it, being the better pleased therewith; he said, in addressing his Speech to Panurge, I have not as yet seen any Answer framed to your Demand, which affordeth me more Contentment: for in this his succinct Copy of Verses, he summarily, and briefly, yet fully enough expresseth, how he would have us to un∣derstand, that every one in the Project and Enterprize of Marriage, ought to be his own Carver, sole Arbitrator of his proper Thoughts, and from himself alone take Counsel in the main and peremptory

closure of what his Determination should be, in either his assent to, or dissent from it. Such always hath been my Opinion to you, and when at first you spoke there∣of to me, I truly told you this same very thing; but tacitly you scorned my Ad∣vice, and would not harbour it within your mind. I know for certain, and therefore may I with the greater confi∣dence utter my conception of it, that Phi∣lauty, or Self love, is that which blinds your Judgment, and deceiveth you.

Let us do otherways, and that is this: Whatever we are, or have, consisteth in Three Things: the Soul, the Body, and the Goods: now for the preservation of these Three, there are Three sorts of Learned Men ordained, each respectively to have care of that one which is re∣commended to his charge. Theologues are appointed for the Soul, Physitians for the Welfare of the Body, and Law∣yers for the Safety of our Goods: hence it is, that it is my Resolution to have on Sunday next with me at Dinner, a Divine, a Physician, and a Lawyer, that with those Three assembled thus together, we may in every Point and Particle, confer at large of your Perplexity. By Saint Picot (an∣swered Panurge) we never shall do any good that way: I see it already, and you

see your self how the World is vilely abu∣sed, as when with a Fox-tayl one claps a∣nother's Breech, to cajole him. We give our Souls to keep to the Theologues, who for the greater part are Hereticks: Our Bodies we commit to the Physitians, who never themselves take any Physick: and then we intrust our Goods to Lawyers, who never go to Law against one ano∣ther. You speak like a Courtier (quoth Pantagruel) but the first Point of your As∣sertion is to be denied: for we daily see how good Theologues make it their chief Business, their whole and sole Employ∣ment, by their Deeds, their Words, and Writings, to extirpate Errors and Here∣sies out of the Hearts of Men; and in their stead profoundly plant the true and lively Faith. The Second Point you spoke of I commend: for whereas the Professors of the Art of Medicine, give so good order to the Prophylactick, or Conservative part of their Faculty, in what concerneth their proper Healths, that they stand in no need of making use of the other Branch, which is the Curative, or Therapentick, by Medicaments. As for the Third, I grant it to be true: for Learned Advocates and Counsellors at Law, are so much taken up with the Affairs of others in their Consul∣tations, Pleadings, and such-like Patroci∣nations

of those who are their Clients, that they have no leisure to attend any Controversies of their own. Therefore, on the next ensuing Sunday, let the Divine be our godly Father Hippothadee, the Phy∣sitian our honest Master Rondibilis, and the Legist our good Friend Bridlegoose: nor will it be (to my thinking) amiss, that we enter into the Pythagorick Field, and choose for an Assistant to the Three afore∣named Doctors, our ancient faithful Ac∣quaintance, the Philosopher Trouillogan; especially seeing a perfect Philosopher, such as is Trouiilogan, is able positively to resolve all whatsoever Doubts you can propose. Carpalin, have you a care to have them here all Four on Sunday next at Din∣ner, without fail.

I believe (quoth Epistemon) that through∣out the whole Country, in all the Corners thereof, you could not have pitched upon such other Four: which I speak not so much in regard of the most excellent Qua∣lifications and Accomplishments where∣with all of them are endowed for the re∣spective Discharge and Management of each his own Vocation and Calling, (wherein without all doubt or controver∣sie, they are the Paragons of the Land, and surpass all others) as for that Rondibilis is marrried now, who before was not: Hip∣pothadee

was not before, nor is yet: Bridle∣goose was married once, but is not now: and Trouillogan is married now, who wed∣ded was to another Wife before. Sir, if it may stand with your good liking, I will ease Carpalin of some parcel of his Labour, and invite Bridlegoose my self, with whom I of a long time have had a very intimate familiarity, and unto whom I am to speak on the behalf of a pretty hopeful Youth, who now studieth at Tholouse, under the most learned, vertuous Doctor Boissonnet. Do what you deem most expedient (quoth Pantagruel) and tell me, if my Recom∣mendation can in any thing be steadable for the promoval of the good of that Youth, or otherways serve for bettering of the Di∣gnity and Office of the worthy Boissonet, whom I do so love and respect, for one of the ablest and most sufficient in his way, that any where are extant. Sir, I will use therein my best Endeavours, and heartily bestir my self about it.

CHAP. XXX. How the Theologue, Hippothadee, giv¦eth Counsel to Panurge in the mat∣ter and business of his Nuptial En∣terprize.

THE Dinner on the subsequent Sun∣day was no sooner made ready, than that the afore-named invited Guests gave thereto their Appearance, all of them; Bridlegoose only excepted, who was the Deputy-Governor of the Fonspeton. At the ushering in of the Second Service, Panurge making a low Reverence, spake thus: Gentlemen, the Question I am to propound unto you shall be uttered in very few Words; Should I marry or no? If my Doubt herein be not resolved by you, I shall hold it altogether insolvable, as are the Insolubilia de Aliaco; for all of you are elected, chosen, and culled out from a∣mongst others, every one in his own Condition and Quality, like so many picked Peas on a Carpet.

The Father Hippothada, in obedience to the bidding of Pantagruel, and with much Courtesie to the Company, an∣swered exceeding modestly, after this man∣ner: My Friend, you are pleased to ask Counsel of us; but first you must consult with your self. Do you find any trouble or disquiet in your Body by the impor∣tunate stings and pricklings of the Flesh? That I do (quoth Panurge) in a hugely strong and almost irresistible mea∣sure: Be not offended, I beseech you, good Father, at the freedom of my Ex∣pression. No truly, Friend, not I, (quoth Hippothadee) there is no reason why I should be displeased therewith: But in this Carnal Strife and Debate of yours, have you obtained from God the Gift and special Grace of Continency? In good Faith, not, (quoth Panurge.) My Counsel to you in that case (my Friend) is, that you marry, (quoth Hippothadee) for you should rather choose to marry once, than to burn still in Fires of Con∣cupiscence. Then Panurge, with a jovial Heart and a loud Voice, cried out, That is spoke gallantly, without circumbiliva∣ginating about and about, and never hit it in its centred Point. Grammercy, my good Father. In truth I am resolved now to marry, and without fail I shall do

it quickly. I invite you to my Wedding; by the Body of a Hen, we shall make good Cheer, and be as merry as Crickets: You shall wear the Bridegroom's Colours; and if we eat a Goose, my Wife shall not rost for me. I will intreat you to lead up the first Dance of the Brides Maids, if it may please you to do me so much Favour and Honour. There resteth yet a small Difficulty, a little Scruple, yea, even less than nothing, whereof I humbly crave your Resolution; Shall I be a Cuckold, Father, yea or no? By no means, (an∣swered Hippothadee) will you be Cuc∣kolded, if it please God. O the Lord help us now, (quoth Panurge) whither are we driven to, good Folks? To the Conditionals, which according to the Rules and Precepts of the Dialectick Faculty, admit of all contradictions and impossi∣bilities. If my Transalpine Mule had Wings, my Transalpine Mule would fly. If it please God I shall not be a Cockold, but I shall be a Cuckold if it please him. Good God, if this were a condition which I knew how to prevent, my Hopes should be as high as ever, nor would I despair: But you here send me to God's Privy Coun∣cil, to the Closet of his little Pleasures. You my French Countrymen, which is the way you take to go thither?

My honest Father, I believe it will be your best not to come to my Wedding: The clutter and dingle dangle noise of Marriage Guests will but disturb you, and break the serious Fancies of your Brain. You love Repose, with Solitude and Si∣lence; I really believe you will not come. And then you Dance but indifferently, and would be out of Countenance at the first Entry. I will send you some good things to your Chamber, together with the Bride's Favour, and there you may drink our Health, if it may stand with your good liking. My Friend (quoth Hippothadee) take my Words in the Sence wherein I meaned them, and do not mis∣interpret me. When I tell you, if it please God, do I to you any wrong there∣in? Is it an ill Expression? Is it a Blas∣pheming Clause or Reserve any way scan∣dalous unto the World? Do not we there∣by honour the Lord God Almighty, Cre∣ator, Pretector and Conserver of all things? Is not that a mean, whereby we do acknowledge him to be the sole Giver of all whatsoever is good? Do not we in that manifest our Faith, that we believe all things to depend upon his in∣finite and incomprehensible Bounty? and that without him nothing can be produ∣ced, nor after its Production be of any

value, force, or power, without the con∣curring aid and favour of his assisting Grace? Is it not a canonical and authen∣tick Exception, worthy to be premised to all our Undertakings? Is it not expedient that what we propose unto our selves, be still referred to what shall be disposed of by the Sacred Will of God, unto which all things must acquiesce in the Heavens as well as on the Earth? Is not that verily a sanctifying of his Holy Name? My Friend, you shall not be a Cuckold, if it please God, nor shall we need to despair of the knowledge of his good Will and Pleasure herein, as if it were such an ab∣struse and mysteriously hidden Secret, that for the clear understanding thereof it were necessary to consult with those of his Celestial Privy Council, or expresly make a Voyage unto the Empyrean Cham∣ber, where Order is given for the effe∣ctuating of his most holy Pleasures.

The great God hath done us this good, that he hath declared and revealed them to us openly and plainly, and described them in the Holy Bible. There will you find that you shall never be a Cuckold, that is to say, your Wife shall never be a Strumpet, if you make choice of one of a commendable Extraction, descended of honest Parents, and instructed in all

Piety and Vertue: Such a one as hath not at any time hanted or frequented the Com∣pany or Conversation of those that are of corrupt and deprav'd Manners; one loving and fearing God, who taketh a singular delight in drawing near to him by Faith, and the cordial observing of his Sacred Commandments: And finally, one who standing in awe of the Divine Majesty, of the most High, will be loath to offend him, and lose the favourable kindness of his Grace through any defect of Faith, or transgression against the Ordinances of his Holy Law, wherein Adultery is most rigorously forbidden, and a close Adhe∣rence to her Husband alone most strictly and severely enjoyned; yea, in such sort, that she is to cherish, serve and love him above any thing, next to God, that me∣riteth to be beloved. In the interim, for the better schooling of her in these In∣structions, and that the wholsom Do∣ctrine of a Matrimonial Duty may take the deeper Root in her Mind, you must needs carry your self so on your part, and your behaviour is to be such, that you are to go before her in a good Example, by entertaining her unfeigned∣ly with a Conjugal Amity, by continu∣ally approving your self in all your Words and Actions a faithful and discreet Hus∣band;

and by living not only at home, and privately with your own Houshold and Family, but in the face also of all Men, and open view of the World, devotely, vertuously and chastly, as you would have her on her side to deport and demean her self towards you, as becomes a Godly, Loyal and Respectful Wife, who maketh Conscience to keep inviolable the Tie of a Matrimonial Oath.

For as that Looking-glass is not the best, which is most deck'd with Gold and Pre∣cious Stones, but that which representeth to the Eye the liveliest shapes of Objects set before it: Even so that Wife should not be most esteemed who richest is, and of the noblest Race, but she who fearing God, conforms her self nearest unto the Humour of her Husband.

Consider how the Moon doth not bor∣row her Light from Iupiter, Mars, Mer∣cury, or any other of the Planets; nor yet from any of those Splendid Stars which are set in the spangled Firma∣ment; but from her Husband only, the bright Sun, which she receiveth from him more or less, according to the man∣ner of his Aspect, and variously bestowed Eradiations. Just so should you be a Pattern to your Wife in Vertue, goodly Zeal and true Devotion, that by your

Radiance in darting on her the Aspect of an Exemplary Goodness, she, in your imi∣tation, may outshine the Luminaries of all other Women. To this effect you daily must implore God's Grace to the Protection of you both. You would have me then (quoth Panurge, twisting the Whiskers of his Beard on either side with the Thumb and Fore-finger of his Left Hand) to espouse and take to Wife the prudent frugal Woman described by Solomon: Without all doubt she is dead, and truly to my best remembrance I never saw her; the Lord forgive me. Never∣theless I thank you, Father; eat this slice of Marchpane, it will help your Disgestion; then shall you be presented with a Cup of Claret Hypocras, which is right healthful and stomached. Let us proceed.

CHAP. XXXI. How the Physician Rondibilis counsel∣leth Panurge.

PAnurge continuing his Discourse, said, The first word which was spoken by him who guelded the Lubbardly quaffing Monks of Saussiniac, after that he had un∣stoned Friar Corcil, was this, To the rest. In like manner, I say, to the rest. There∣fore I beseech you, my good Master Ron∣dibilis, should I marry or not? By the ra∣king pace of my Mule, quoth Rondibilis, I know not what Answer to make to this Problem of yours.

You say that you feel in you the prick∣ing Stings of Sensuality, by which you are stirred up to Venery. I find in our Faculty of Medicine, and we have founded our Opinion therein upon the deliberate Resolution and final Decision of the anci∣ent Platonicks, that Carnal Concupiscence is cooled and quelled five several ways.

First, By the means of Wine. I shall easily believe that, (quoth Friar Ihon) for when I am well whitled with the Juyce of the Grape, I care for nothing else so I may sleep. When I say (quoth Rondi∣bilis) that Wine abateth Lust, my meaning is, Wine immoderately taken; for by In∣temperancy proceeding from the exces∣sive drinking of Strong Liquor, there is brought upon the Body of such a Swill-down Bouser a chilness in the Blood, a slackening in the Sinews, a Dissipation of the Generative Seed, a numbness and he∣betation of the Senses, with a perversive wriness and Convulsion of the Muscles; all which are great Lets and Impediments to the Act of Generation. Hence it is that Bacchus, the God of Bibbers, Tip∣lers and Drunkards is most commonly painted Beardless, and clad in a Womans Habit, as a Person altogether Effeminate, or like a libbed Eunuch. Wine neverthe∣less taken moderately worketh quite con∣trary Effects, as is implied by the old Proverb, which saith, That Venus takes cold when not accompanied with Ceres and Bacchus. This Opinion is of great Antiquity, as appeareth by the Testimo∣ny of Diodorus the Sicilian, and confirmed by Pausanias, and universally held amongst

the Lampsacians, that Don Priapos was the Son of Bacchus and Venus.

Secondly, The Fervency of Lust is aba∣ted by certain Drugs, Plants, Herbs and Roots, which make the Taker cold, ma∣leficiated, unfit for, and unable to perform the Act of Generation; as hath been of∣ten experimented in the Water-Lilly, Heraclea, Agnus Castus, Willow-twigs, Hemp-stalks, Woodbind, Honey suckle, Tamarisk, Chastree, Mandrake, Bennet, Kecbuglosse, the Skin of a Hippopatam, and many other such, which by conveni∣ent Doses proportioned to the peccant Humour and Constitution of the Patient, being duly and seasonably received with∣in the Body, what by their Elementary Vertues on the one side, and peculiar Properties on the other, do either be∣numb, mortifie and beclumpse with Cold the prolifick Semence; or scatter and dis∣perse the Spirits, which ought to have gone along with, and conducted the Sperm to the places destinated and ap∣pointed for its reception. Or lastly, Shut up, stop and obstruct the ways, passages and conduits through which the Seed should have been expelled, evacuated and ejected. We have nevertheless of those Ingredients, which being of a contrary Operation, heat the Blood, bend the

Nerves, unite the Spirits, quicken the Senses, strengthen the Muscles, and there∣by rouze up, provoke, excite and inable a Man to the vigorous Accomplishment of the Feat of Amorous Dalliance. I have no need of those, (quoth Panurge) God be thanked, and you my good Master. Howsoever I pray you take no exception or offence at these my words; for what I have said was not out of any ill Will I did bear to you, the Lord he knows.

Thirdly, The Ardour of Lechery is very much subdued and mated by fre∣quent Labour and continual Toiling: For by painful Exercises and laborious work∣ing, so great a Dissolution is brought upon the whole Body, that the Blood which runneth alongst the Channels of the Veins thereof, for the Nourishment and Ali∣mentation of each of its Members, hath neither time, leisure nor power to afford the Seminal Resudation, or superfluity of the third Concoction, which Nature most carefully reserves for the conservati∣on of the Individual, whose Preservation she more heedfully regardeth than the propagating of the Species, and the mul∣tiplication of Humane Kind. VVhence it is, that Diana is said to be chast, be∣cause she is never idle, but always busied about her Hunting, For the same reason

was a Camp, or Leaguer of old called Ca∣strum, as if they would have said Castum: because the Soldiers, Wrestlers, Runners, Throwers of the Bar, and other such-like Athletick Champions, as are usually seen in a Military Circumvallation, do unces∣santly travel and turmoil, and are in a perpetual stir and agitation. To this pur∣pose Hippocrates also writeth in his Book, De Aere Aqua & locis: That in his time there were People in Scythia as impotent as Eunuchs, in the discharge of a Vene∣rian Exploit; because that without any cessation, pause, or respit, they were ne∣ver from off Horseback, or otherways as∣siduously employed in some troublesome and molesting Drudgery.

On the other part, in opposition and repugnancy hereto, the Philosophers say, That Idleness is the Mother of Luxury. When it was asked Ovid, Why Egistus became an Adulterer? he made no other Answer but this: Because he was idle. Who were able to rid the World of Loytring and La∣ziness, might easily frustrate and disap∣point Cupid of all his Designs, Aims, En∣gines, and Devices, and so disable and ap∣pall him, that his Bow, Quiver, and Darts should from thenceforth be a meer need∣less Load and Burthen to him: for that it could not then lie in his power to

strike, or wound any of either Sex, with all the Arms he had. He is not, I believe, so expert an Archer, as that he can hit the Cranes flying in the Air, or yet the young Stags skipping through the Thickets, as the Parthians knew well how to do; that is to say, People moyling, sinking, and hurrying up and down, restless, and with∣out repose. He must have those husht, still, quiet, lying at a stay, lither, and full of ease, whom he is able, though his Mo∣ther help him, to touch, much less to pierce with all his Arrows, in confirma∣tion hereof, Theophrastus being asked on a time, What kind of Beast or Thing he judged a toyish, wanton Love to be? he made Answer, That it was a Passion of idle and sluggish Spirits. From which pretty Description of ticking Love-tricks that of Diogenes's hatching was not very discrepant, when he defined Leachery, Occupation of Folks destitute of all other Occupation.

For this cause the Syconian Engraver, Ca∣nachus, being desirous to give us to under∣stand, that Sloath, Drouziness, Negli∣gence, and Laziness were the prime Guar∣dians and Governesses of Ribaldry, made the Statue of Venus (not standing, as other Stone-Cutters had used to do, but) sit∣ting.

Fourthly, The tickling pricks of Incon∣tinency are blunted by an eager Study; for from thence proceedeth an incredible resolution of the Spirits, that oftentimes there do not remain so many behind as may suffice to push and thrust forwards the Generative Resudation to the places thereto appropriated, and therewithal in∣flate the Cavernous Nerve; whose office is to ejaculate the Moisture for the Pro∣pagation of Humane Progeny. Least you should think it is not so, be pleased but to contemplate a little the Form, Fashion, and Carriage of a Man exceeding earnest∣ly set upon some Learned Meditation, and deeply plunged therein, and you shall see how all the Arteries of his Brains are stretched forth, and bent like the String of a Cross-bow, the more promptly, dexte∣rously, and copiously to suppeditate, fur∣nish, and supply him with store of Spirits, sufficient to replenish, and fill up the Ven∣tricles, Seats, Tunnels, Mansions, Rece∣ptacles, and Celluls of the common Sense; of the Imagination, Apprehension, and Fancy; of the Ratiocination, Arguing, and Resolution; as likewise of the Memo∣ry, Recordation, and Remembrance; and with great alacrity, nimbleness, and agility to run, pass, and course from the one to the other, through those Pipes, Windings,

and Conduits, which to skilful Anatomists are perceivable, at the end of the Wonder∣ful Net, where all the Arteries close in a terminating Point: which Arteries taking their rise and origine from the left Capsul of the Heart, bring through several Cir∣cuits, Ambages, and Anfractuosities, the Vital, to subtilize and refine them to the Aetherial Purity of Animal Spirits. Nay, in such a studiously musing Person, you may espy so extravagant Raptures of one, as it were, out of himself, that all his Na∣tural Faculties for that time will seem to be suspended from each their proper charge and office, and his exteriour Senses to be at a stand. In a word, you cannot o∣therways choose then think, that he is by an extraordinary Extasie quite transported out of what he was, or should be; and that Socrates did not speak improperly, when he said, That Philosophy was nothing else but a Medi∣tation upon Death. This possibly is the rea∣son, why Democritus deprived himself of the Sense of Seeing, prizing at a much lower rate the loss of his Sight, than the diminution of his Contemplations; which he frequently had found disturbed by the vagrant, flying-out strayings of his unset∣led and roving Eyes. Therefore is it, that Pallas, the Goddess of Wisdom, Tutress, and Guardianess of such as are diligently

studious, and painfully industrious, is, and hath been still accounted a Virgin. The Muses upon the same consideration are esteemed perpetual Maids: and the Graces for the like reason, have been held to con∣tinue in a sempiternal Pudicity.

I remember to have read, that Cupid on a time being asked of his Mother Ve∣nus, why he did not assault and set upon the Muses, his Answer was, That he found them so fair, so sweet, so fine, so neat, so wise, so learned, so modest, so discreet, so courteous, so vertuous, and so continually busied and em∣ployed: One in the Speculation of the Stars; another in the Supputation of Num∣bers; the Third in the Dimension of Geo∣metrical Quantities; the Fourth in the Composition of Heroick Poems; the Fifth in the jovial Interludes of a Comick Strain; the Sixth in the stately Gravity of a Tragick Vein; the Seventh in the Melo∣dious Disposition of Musical Airs; the Eighth in the compleatest manner of Wri∣ting Histories, and Books on all sorts of Subjects; and the Ninth in the Mysteries, Secrets, and Curiosities of all Sciences, Fa∣culties, Disciplines, and Arts whatsoever, whether Liberal or Mechanick; that ap••proaching near unto them, he unbended his Bow, shut his Quiver, and extinguish∣ed his Torch, through meer shame and

fear, that by mischance he might do them some hurt or prejudice: which done, he thereafter put off the Fillet wherewith his Eyes were bound, to look them in the Face, and to hear their Melody and Poe∣tick Odes. There took he the greatest pleasure in the World; that many times he was transported with their Beauty and pretty Behaviour, and charmed asleep by the Harmony: so far was he from assault∣ing them, or interrupting their Studies. Under this Article may be comprised, what Hippocrates wrote in the aforecited Treatise concerning the Scythians, as also that in a Book of his entituled, Of Breed∣ing and Production; where he hath affirm∣ed, all such Men to be unfit for Genera∣tion, as have their Parotid Arteries cut; whose Situation is beside the Ears: for the reason given already, when I was speak∣ing of the resolution of the Spirits, and of that Spiritual Blood, whereof the Arte∣ries are the sole and proper Receptacles; and that likewise he doth maintain a large portion of the Parastatick Liquor, to issue and descend from the Brains and Back∣bone.

Fifthly, By the too frequent reiteration of the Act of Venery. There did I wait for you (quoth Panurge) and shall willing∣ly apply it to my self, whilst any one that

pleaseth may, for me, make use of any of the four preceding. That is the very same thing (quoth Fryar Ihon) which Fa∣ther Scyllino, Prior of Saint Victor, at Mar∣seilles, calleth by the Name of Maceration, and taming of the Flesh. I am of the same Opinion; and so was the Hermite of Saint Radegonde, a little above Chinon: for (quoth he) the Hermites of Thebaida can no more aptly or expediently macerate and bring down the Pride of their Bodies, daunt and mortifie their leacherous Sensuality, or depress and overcome the stubbornness and rebellion of the Flesh, then by dufling and fanferluching it Five and twenty, or Thirty times a day. I see Panurge, quoth Rondibilis, neatly featured, and propor∣tioned in all the Members of his Body, of a good temperament in his Humors, well complexioned in his Spirits, of a competent Age, in an opportune Time, and of a reasonably forward Mind to be married: truly, if he encounter with a Wife of the like Nature, Temperament, and Constitution, he may beget upon her Children worthy of some Transpontine Mo∣narchy; and the sooner he marry, it will be the better for him, and the more con∣ducible for his Profit, if he would see and have his Children in his own time well provided for. Sir, my worthy Master

(quoth Panurge) I will do it, do not you doubt thereof; and that quickly enough, I warrant you. Nevertheless, whilst you were busied in the utter∣ing of your Learned Discourse, this Flea which I have in mine Ear, hath tick∣led me more then ever. I retain you in the Number of my Festival Guests, and promise you, that we shall not want for Mirth, and Good Chear e∣nough; yea, over and above the or∣dinary Rate. And, if it may please you, desire your Wife to come along with you, together with her She-Friends and Neighbours: That is to be understood, and there shall be fair Play.

CHAP. XXXII. How Rondibilis declareth Cuckoldry to be naturally one of the Appendances of Marriage.

THere remaineth as yet, quoth Panurge going on in his Discourse, one small scruple to be cleared: you have seen here∣tofore, I doubt not, in the Roman Stand∣ards, S. P. Q. R. Si, Peu, Que, Rien: Shall not I be a Cuckold? By the Haven of Safety, cried out Rondibilis, what is this you ask of me? If you shall be a Cuckold: My Noble Friend, I am married, and you are like to be so very speedily: therefore be pleased from my Experiment in the matter, to write in your Brain, with a Steel-pen, this subsequent Ditton, There is no married Man who doth not run the hazard of being made a Cuckold. Cuckoldry natu∣rally attendeth Marriage; the Shadow doth not more naturally follow the Body, then Cuckoldry ensueth after Marriage, to place fair Horns upon the Husband's Heads.

And when you shall happen to hear any Man pronounce these three Words: He is Married: if you then say he is, hath been, shall be, or may be a Cuckold, you will not be accounted an unskilful Artist in framing of true Consequences. Tripes and Bowels of all the Devils, cries Panurge, what do you tell me? My dear Friend, (answered Rondibilis) as Hippo∣crates, on a time, was in the very nick of set∣ting forwards from Lango to Polystilo, to Visit the Philosopher Democritus, he wrote a familiar Letter to his Friend Dionoys, wherein he desired him, That he would during the interval of his absence, carry his Wife to the House of her Father and Mother, who were an honourable Couple, and of good Repute; because I would not have her at my Home, (said he) to make abode in Solitude: yet notwith∣standing this her Residence beside her Pa∣rents, do not fail (quoth he) with a most heedful care and circumspection to pry into her ways, and to espy what places she shall go to with her Mother, and who those be that shall repair unto her: Not (quoth he) that I do mistrust her Vertue, or that I seem to have any diffidence of her Pudicity, and chaste Behaviour; for of that I have frequently had good and real proofs: but I must freely tell you,

She is a Woman: there lies the suspition.

My worthy Friend, the Nature of Wo∣men is set forth before our Eyes, and repre∣sented to us by the Moon, in divers other things, as well as in this, that they squat, sculck, constrain their own Inclinations, and with all the Cunning they can, dis∣semble and play the Hypocrite in the sight and presence of their Husbands; who come no sooner to be out of the way, but that forthwith they take their advantage, pass the time merrily, desist from all labour, frolick it, gad abroad; lay aside their counterfeit Garb, and open∣ly declare and manifest the interiour of their Dispositions; even as the Moon, when she is in Conjunction with the Sun, is neither seen in the Heavens, nor on the Earth, but in her Opposition, when remotest from him, shineth in her greatest fulness, and wholly appeareth in her brightest splendour whilst it is Night: Thus Women are but Women.

When I say Womankind, I speak of a Sex so frail, so variable, so changeable, so fickle, inconstant, and imperfect, that in my Opinion, Nature (under favour ne∣vertheless of the prime Honour and Reve∣rence which is due unto her) did in a manner mistake the Road which she had traced formerly, and stray exceedingly

from that Excellence of Providential Judg∣ment, by the which she had created and formed all other things, when she built, framed, and made up the Woman. And having thought upon it a Hundred and five times, I know not what else to deter∣mine therein, save only that in the devi∣sing, hammering, forging, and compo∣sing of the Woman, she hath had a much tenderer regard, and by a great deal more respectful heed to the delightful Consort∣ship, and sociable Delectation of the Man, than to the Perfection and Accomplishment of the individual Womanishness, or Mul••ebrity. The Divine Philosopher Plato, was doubtful in what Rank of living Creatures to place and collocate them, whither amongst the Rational Animals, by elevating them to an upper Seat in the Specifical Classis of Hu∣manity; or with the Irrational, by degra∣ding them to a lower Bench on the oppo∣site side, of a Brutal kind, and meer Bestia∣lity: for Nature hath posited in a privy, secret, and intestine place of their Bodies, a sort of Member (by some not imperti∣nently termed an Animal) which is not to be found in Men. Therein sometimes are engendred certain Humors so saltish, brackish, clammy, sharp, nipping, tear∣ing, prickling, and most eagerly tickling, that by their stinging Acrimony, rending

Nitrosity, figging Itch, wrigling Mordi∣cancy, and smarting Salsitude, (for the said Member is altogether sinewy, and of a most quick and lively feeling) their whole Body is shaken and ebrangled, their Senses totally ravished and transpor∣ted, the operations of their Judgment and Understanding utterly confounded, and all disordinate Passions and Perturbations of the Mind thoroughly and absolutely allowed, admitted, and approved of; yea, in such sort, that if Nature had not been so favourable unto them, as to have sprin∣kled their Forehead with a little Tincture of Bashfulness and Modesty, you should see them in a so frantick mood run mad after Lechery, and hye apace up and down with hast and Lust, in quest of, and to fix some Chamber-Standard in their Paphian Ground, that never did the Pretides, Mimallonides, nor Lyaean Thyads deport themselves in the time of their Bacchanalian Festivals, more shamelesly, or with a so affronted and brazen-faced Impudency; because this terrible Animal is knit unto, and hath an Union with all the chief and most principal parts of the Body, as to Anatomists is evident▪ Let it not here be thought strange that I should call it an Animal, seeing therein I do no otherwise than follow and adhere

to the Doctrine of the Academick and Pe∣ripatetick Philosophers. For if a proper Motion be a certain mark and infallible token of the Life and Animation of the Mover, (as Aristotle writeth) and that any such thing as moveth of its self ought to be held Animated, and of a Living Na∣ture; then assuredly Plato with very good reason did give it the Denomination of an Animal; for that he perceived and ob∣served in it the proper and self-stirring mo∣tions of Suffocation, Precipitation, Cor∣rugation, and of Indignation, so extream∣ly violent, that oftentimes by them is taken and removed from the Women all other sense and moving whatsoever, as if she were in a swounding Lipothymy, be∣numming Sincop, Epileptick, Apoplectick Palsey, and true resemblance of a pale∣faced Death.

Furthermore, in the said Member there is a manifest discerning Faculty of Scents and Odours very perceptible to Women, who feel it fly from what is rank and un∣savoury, and follow fragrant and Aroma∣tick Smells. It is not unknown to me how Cl. Gallen striveth with might and main, to prove that these are not proper and particular Notions proceeding in∣trinsically from the thing it self, but acci∣dentally, and by chance. Nor hath it

escaped my notice, how others of that Sect have laboured hardly, yea, to the ut∣most of their Abilities, to demonstrate that it is not a sensitive discerning or per∣ception in it of the difference of Wafts and Smells, but meerly a various manner of Vertue and Efficacy, passing forth and flowing from the diversity of odoriferous Substances applied near unto it. Neverthe∣less, if you will studiously examine, and se∣riously ponder and weigh in Critolaus's Ba∣lance the strength of their Reasons and Ar∣guments, you shall find that they, not only in this, but in several other matters also of the like nature, have spoken at random, and rather out of an ambitious Envy to check and reprehend their Betters, than for any design to make enquiry into the solid Truth.

I will not launch my little Skif any further into the wide Ocean of this Di∣spute, only will I tell you that the Praise and Commendation is not mean and slen∣der which is due to those honest and good Women, who living chastly and without blame, have had the power and vertue to curb, range and subdue that unbridled, heady and wild Animal to an obedient, submissive and obsequious yielding unto Reason. Therefore here will I make an end of my Discourse thereon, when I

shall have told you, that the said Animal being once satiated (if it be possible that it can be contented or satisfied) by that Aliment, which Nature hath provided for it out of the Epididymal Store-house of Man, all its former and irregular and disordered Motions are at an end, laid and asswaged; all its vehement and un∣ruly Longings lulled, pacified and quieted; and all the furious and raging Lusts, Ap∣petites and Desires thereof appeased, sup∣pressed, calmed and extinguished. For this cause let it seem nothing strange un∣to you, if we be in a perpetual Danger of being Cuckolds; that is to say, such of us as have not wherewithal fully to satisfie the Appetite and Expectation of that vo∣racious Animal. Ods Fish! (quoth Pa∣nurge) have you no preventive Cure in all your Medicinal Art for hindring ones ••ead to be Horny-graffed at home, whilst his Feet are plodding abroad? Yes that I have, my gallant Friend, (answered Ron∣dibilis) and that which is a Sovereign Re∣medy, whereof I frequently make use my self; and that you may the better relish, it is set down and written in the Book of a most famous Author, whose Renown is of a standing of two thousand Years. Hearken and take good heed: You are (quoth Panurge) by Cocks-Hobby, a right

honest Man, and I love you with all my heart; eat a little of this Quince-Pye, it is very proper and convenient for the shut∣ting up of the Orifice of the Ventricle of the Stomach, because of a kind of astrin∣gent Stypticity, which is in that sort of Fruit, and is helpful to the first Conco∣ction. But what? I think I speak Latin before Clerks. Stay, fill, I give you some∣what to drink out of this Nestorian Gob∣let. Will you have another Draught of white Hippocras? Be not afraid of the Squinzy, No: There is neither Squinant, Ginger nor Grains in it; only a little choice Cinnamon, and some of the best refined Sugar, with the delicious White-wine of the Growth of that Vine, which was set in the Slips of the great Sorbaple, above the Wallnut-tree.

CHAP. XXXIII. Rondibilis the Physician's Cure of Cuc∣koldry.

AT that time (quoth Randibilis) when Iupitur took a view of the state of his Olympick House and Family, and that he had made the Calender of all the Gods and Goddesses, appointing unto the Fe∣stival of every one of them its proper day and season, establishing certain fixed places and stations for the pronouncing of Oracles, and relief of travelling Pil∣grims, and ordaining Victims, Immolati∣ons and Sacrifices suitable and correspon∣dent to the Dignity and Nature of the worshipped and adored Deity. Did not he do (asked Panurge) therein, as Tintou∣ille the Bishop of Auxerre is said once to have done? This Noble Prelate loved entirely the pure Liquor of the Grape, as every honest and judicious Man doth; therefore was it that he had an especial care and regard to the Bud of the Vine-tree, as to the great Grandfather of Bac∣chus.

But so it is, that for sundry Years together he saw a most pitiful Havock, Desolation and Destruction made amongst the Sprouts, Shootings, Buds, Blossoms and Sciens of the Vines by hoary Frosts, Dank-fogs, hot Mists, unseasonable Colds, chill Blasts, thick Hail, and other calami∣tous Chances of foul Weather happening, as he thought, by the dismal inauspicious∣ness of the Holy Days of St George, St. Ma∣ry, St. Paul, St. Eutrope, Holy Rood, the As∣cension, and o••her Festivals, in that time when the Sun passeth under the Sign of Taurus; and thereupon harboured in his Mind this Opinion, that the afore-named Saints were Saint Hail-flingers, Saint Frost-senders, Saint Fogmongers, and Saint Spoilers of the Vine-buds; for which cause be went about to have transmitted their Feasts from the Spring to the Win∣ter, to be Celebrated between Christmas and Epiphany, (so the Mother of the three Kings called it) allowing them with all Honour and Reverence the liberty then to freeze, hail and rain as much as they would; for that he knew that at such a time Frost was rather profitable than hurtful to the Vine-buds, and in their steads to have placed the Festivals of St. Christopher, St. Iohn the Baptist, St. Mag∣dalene, St. Ann, St. Domingo, and St. Law∣rence;

yea, and to have gone so far as to collocate and transpose the middle of Au∣gust in, and to the beginning of May; because during the whole Space of their Solemnity, there was so little danger of hoary Frosts and cold Mists, that no Ar∣tificers are then held in greater Request, than the Afforder of refrigerating Inven∣tions, Makers of Junkets, fit Disposers of cooling Shades, Composers of green Ar∣bours, and Refreshers of Wine.

Iupiter (said Rondibilis) forgot the poor Devil Cuckoldry, who was then in the Court at Paris, very eagerly solliciting a pedling Suit at Law for one of his Vassals and Tenants; within some few days there∣after, (I have forgot how many) when he got full notice of the Trick, which in his Absence was done unto him, he in∣stantly desisted from prosecuting Legal Processes, in the behalf of others, full of Sollicitude to pursue after his own business, lest he should be fore-closed: And there∣upon he appeared personally at the Tri∣bunal of the great Iupiter, displayed be∣fore him the importance of his preceed∣ing Merits; together with the acceptable Services, which in Obedience to his Com∣mandments he had formerly performed; and therefore, in all humility, begged of him, that he would be pleased not to

leave him alone amongst all the Sacred Potentates, destitute and void of Honour, Reverence, Sacrifices and festival Cere∣monies. To this Petition Iupiter's Answer was excusatory, That all the Places and Offices of his House were bestowed. Ne∣vertheless so importuned was he by the continual Supplications of Monsieur Cuc∣koldry, that he, in fine, placed him in the Rank, List, Roll, Rubrick and Catalogue; and appointed Honours, Sacrifices and Fe∣stival Rites to be observed on Earth in great Devotion, and tendred to him with Solemnity.

The Feast, because there was no void, empty nor vacant place in all the Calen∣der, was to be celebrated jointly with, and on the same day that had been conse∣crated to the Goddess Iealousie: His Power and Dominion should be over Married Folks, especially such as had handsom Wives: His Sacrifices were to be Suspici∣on, Diffidence, Mistrust, a lowring powt∣ing Sullenness, Watchings, Wardings, Re∣searchings, Plyings, Explorations, toge∣ther with the Way-layings, Ambushes, narrow Observations, and malicious Dog∣gings of the Husband's Scouts and Espials of the most privy Actions of their Wives. Herewithal every married Man was ex∣presly and rigorously commanded to re∣verence,

honour and worship him; to ce∣lebrate and solemnize his Festival with twice more respect than that of another Saint or Deity, and to immolate unto him with all Sincerity and Alacrity of Heart the above-mentioned Sacrifices and Oblations, under pain of severe Censures, Threatnings, and Comminations of these subsequent Fines, Mulcts, Amerciaments, Penalties and Punishments to be inflicted on the Delinquents; that Monsieur Cuc∣koldry should never be favourable nor pro∣pitious to them; that he should never help, aid, supply, succour nor grant them any subventitious Furtherance, auxiliary Suffrage, or adminiculary Assistance; that he should never hold in any Reckoning Account or Estimation; that he should never daign to enter within their Houses, neither at the Doors, Windows, nor any other place thereof; that he should never haunt nor frequent their Companies or Conversations; how frequently soever they should invocate him, and call upon his Name; and that not only he should leave and abandon them to rot alone with their Wives in a sempiternal Solitariness, without the benefit of the diversion of any Copesmate or Corrival at all; but should withal shun and eschew them, fly from them, and eternally forsake and re∣ject

them as impious Hereticks and Sacri∣legious Persons, according to the accu∣stom'd manner of other Gods, towards such as are too slack in offering up the Duties and Reverences which ought to be performed respectively to their Divinities: As is evidently apparent in Bacchus to∣wards negligent Vine-dressers; in Ceres against idle Plow-men and Tillers of the Ground; in Pomona to unworthy Fruite∣rers and Custard-mongers; in Neptune towards dissolute Mariners and Sea-faring Men; in Vulcan towards loytering Smiths and Forge-men; and so throughout the rest.

Now, on the contrary, this infallible Promise was added, that unto all those who should make a Holy Day of the above-recited Festival, and cease from all man∣ner of worldly Work and Negotiation, lay aside all their own most important occasions, and to be so wretchless, heedless, and careless of what might concern the management of their proper Affairs, as to mind nothing else but a suspicious espying and prying into the secret Deportments of their Wives, and how to koop, shut up, hold at under, and deal cruelly and au∣steerly with them, by all the Harshness and Hardships that an implacable, and every way inexorable Jealousie can de∣vise

and suggest, conform to the Sacred Ordinances of the afore-mentioned Sa∣crifices and Oblations, he should be con∣tinually favourable to them, should love them, sociably converse with them, should be Day and Night in their Houses, and never leave them destitute of his Presence. Now I have said, and you have heard my Cure.

Ha, ha, ha, (quoth Capalin laughing) this is a remedy yet more apt and proper than Hans Carvel's Ring: The Devil take me if I do not believe it. The Humour, Inclination and Nature of Women is like the Thunder, whose Force in its Bolt, or otherways, burneth, bruiseth and break∣eth only hard, massive and resisting Ob∣jects, without staying or stopping at soft, empty and yielding matters: For it pash∣eth into pieces the Steel Sword, without doing any hurt to the Velvet Scabbard which insheatheth it: It rusheth also, and consumeth the Bones, without wounding or end••mmaging the Flesh, wherewith they are vailed and covered: Just so it is, that Women for the greater part never bend the Contention, Subtilty, and con∣tradictory Disposition of their Spirits, unless it be to do what is prohibited and forbidden.

Verily, (quoth Hippothadee) some of of our Doctors averr for a truth, that the first Woman of the World, whom the Hebrews call Eve, had hardly been indu∣ced or allured into the Temptation of eating of the Fruit of the Tree of Life, if it had not been forbidden her so to do. And that you may give the more Credit to the Validity of this Opinion, consider how the cautelous and wily Tempter did com∣memorate unto her, for an antecedent to his Enthymeme, the Prohibition which was made to taste it, as being desirous to infer from thence, It it forbidden thee; therefore thou shouldst eat of it, else thou canst not be a Woman.

CHAP. XXXIV. How Women ordinarily have the great∣est longing after things prohibited.

WHEN I was (quoth Carpalin) a Whoremaster at Orleans, the whole Art of Rhetorick in all its Tropes and Figures, was not able to afford unto me a Colour or Flourish of greater force and

value; nor could I by any other form or manner of Elocution pitch upon a more perswasive Argument for bringing young beautiful married Ladies into the Snares of Adultery, through alluring and inticing them to tast with me of Amorous Delights, then with a lively Sprightfulness to tell them in down-right terms, and to re∣monstrate to them, (with a great shew of Detestation of a Crime so horrid) how their Husbands were jealous. This was none of my Invention: It is written, and we have Laws, Examples, Reasons and daily Experiences confirmative of the same. If this Belief once enter into their Noddles, their Husbands will infallibly be Cuckolds; yea, by God, will they, (without swearing) although they should do like Semiramis, Pasiphae, Egesta, the Women of the Isle Mandez in Egypt, and other such like Queanish flurting Harlots, mentioned in the Writings of Herodotus, Strabo, and such like Puppies.

Truly (quoth Panocrates) I have heard it related, and it hath been told me for a Verity, that Pope Ihon 22. passing on a day through the Abby of Toucherome, was in all Humility required and besought by the Abbess, and other discreet Mothers of the said Convent, to grant them an In∣dulgence, by means whereof they might

confess themselves to one another, alledg∣ing, That Religious Women were subject to some petty secret Slips and Imperfecti∣ons, which would be a foul and burning shame for them to discover and to reveal to Men, how Sacerdotal soever their Fun∣ction were: but that they would freelier, more familiarly, and with greater chear∣fulness, open to each other their Offences, Faults, and Escapes, under the Seal of Confession. There is not any thing (an∣swered the Pope) fitting for you to impe∣trate of me, which I would not most willingly condescend unto: but I find one inconvenience; you know, Confession should be kept secret: and Women are not able to do so. Exceeding well (quoth they) most Holy Father, and much more closely then the best of Men.

The said Pope on the very same day, gave them in keeping a pretty Box, where∣in he purposely caused a little Linnet to be put, willing them very gently and cour∣teously to lock it up in some sure and hid∣den place; and promising them, by the Faith of a Pope, that he should yield to their Request, if they would keep secret what was enclosed within that deposited Box: enjoyning them withal, not to pre∣sume one way nor other, directly or indi∣rectly, to go about the opening thereof,

under pain of the highest Ecclesiastical Censure, Eternal Excommunication. The Prohibition was no sooner made, but that they did all of them boyl with a most ar∣dent desire to know, and see what kind of thing it was that was within it: they thought long already, that the Pope was not gone, to the end they might joyntly, with the more leisure and ease apply themselves to the Box-opening Curio∣sity.

The Holy Father, after he had given them his Benediction, retired and with∣drew himself to the Pontifical Lodgings of his own Palace; but he was hardly gone three Steps from without the Gates of their Cloyster, when the good Ladies throngingly, and as in a hudled Crowd, pressing hard on the Backs of one another, ran thrusting and shoving who should be first at the setting open of the forbidden Box, and descrying of the Quod latitat within.

On the very next day thereafter, the Pope made them another Visit, of a full design, purpose, and intention (as they imagined) to dispatch the Grant of their sought and wished-for Indulgence: but before he would enter into any Chat or Communing with them, he commanded the Casket to be brought unto him: it

was done so accordingly; but by your leave, the Bird was no more there. Then was it, that the Pope did represent to their Maternities, how hard a matter and diffi∣cult it was for them to keep Secrets reveal∣ed to them in Confession, unmanifested to the Ears of others; seeing for the space of Four and twenty hours they were not able to lay up in secret a Box, which he had highly recommended to their Discretion, Charge and Custody.

Welcome, in good Faith, my dear Ma∣ster, welcome: It did me good to hear you talk, the Lord be praised for all. I do not remember to have seen you before now, since the last tim•• that you acted at Monpelliers, with our ancient Friends, Anthony Saporra, Guy Bourguyer, Balthasar Noyer, Tolly, Ihon Quentin, Francis Robinet, Ihon Perdrier, and Francis Rabelais, the Moral Comedy of him who had espoused and married a Dumb Wife. I was there, quoth Epistemon, the good honest Man, her Husband, was very earnestly urgent to have the Fillet of her Tongue untied, and would needs have her speak by any means: at his desire, some pains were ta∣ken on her, and partly by the industry of the Physitian, other part by the expert∣ness of the Surgeon, the Encyliglotte, which she had under her Tongue, being cut, she

spoke and spoke again; yea, within few hours she spoke so loud, so much, so fiercely, and so long, that her poor Hus∣band returned to the same Physitian for a Recipe to make her hold her Peace: There are (quoth the Physician) many pro∣per Remedies in our Art, to make dumb Women speak, but there are none, that ever I could learn therein, to make them silent. The only Cure which I have found out, is their Husband's Deafness. The Wretch became within few Weeks there∣after, by Vertue of some Drugs, Charms or Enchantments, which the Physician had prescribed unto him, so deaf, that he could not have heard the Thundring of Nine∣teen hundred Canons at a Salve. His Wife perceiving, that indeed he was as deaf as a Door-nail, and that her Scold∣ing was but in vain, sith that he heard her not, she grew stark mad.

Some time after, the Doctor asked for his Fee of the Husband; who answered, That truly he was deaf, and so was not able to understand what the tenure of his Demand might be. Whereupon the Leech bedusted him with a little, I know not what, sort of Powder; which rendred him a Fool immediately: so great was the stultificating Vertue of that strange kind of pulverized Dose. Then did this

Fool of a Husband, and his mad Wife joyn together, falling on the Doctor and the Surgeon, did so scratch, bethwack, and bang them, that they were left half dead upon the place, so furious were the Blows which they received: I never in my Life-time laughed so much, as at the acting of that Buffoonry.

Let us come to where we left off, quoth Panurge) your Words▪ being translated from the Clapper-dudgions to plain Eng∣lish, do signifie, that it is not very inex∣pedient that I marry, and that I should not care for being a Cuckold. You have there hit the Nail on the Head. I believe, Master Doctor, that on the Day of my Marriage you will be so much taken up with your Patients, or otherways so seri∣ously employed, that we shall not enjoy your Company: Sir, I will heartily ex∣cuse your absence.

Stercus & urina medici sunt prandia prima. Ex aliis paleas ex ist is collige grana.

You are mistaken (quoth Rondibilis) in the Second Verse of our Distich; for it ought to run thus:

Nobis sunt signa vobis sunt prandia digna.

If my Wife at any time prove to be un∣well, and ill at ease, I will look upon the Water which she shall have made in an Urinal-glass, (quoth Rondibilis) grope her Pulse, and see the disposition of her Hypogaster, together with her Umbilicary Parts. According to the Prescript Rule of Hippocrates, 2. Aph. 35. before I proceed any further in the Cure of her Distem∣per. No, no, (quoth Panurge) that will be but to little purpose; such a Feat is for the Practice of us that are Lawyers, who have the Rubrick, De Ventre inspiciendo: Do not therefore trouble your self about it, (Master Doctor) I will provide for her a Plaister of warm Guts. Do not neglect your more urgent occasions other-where, for coming to my Wedding, I will send you some supply of Victuals to your own House, without putting you to the trou∣ble of coming abroad, and you shall al∣ways be my special Friend. With this approaching somewhat nearer to him, he clapp'd into his Hand, without the speak∣ing of so much as one word, four Rose Nobles. Rondibilis did shut his Fist upon them right kindly; yet as if it had displea∣sed him to make acceptance of such Gold∣en Presents; he in a start, as if he had been wroth, said, He, he▪ he, he he, th••••e was no need of any thing, I 〈…〉〈…〉

nevertheless; From wicked Folks, I never get enough; and I from honest People refuse nothing. I shall be always, Sir, at your Command. Provided that I pay you well, quoth Panurge. That (quoth Rondi∣bilis) is understood.

CHAP. XXXV. How the Philosopher Trouillogan han∣dleth the difficulty of Marriage.

AS this Discourse was ended, Panta∣gruel said to the Philosopher Trouillo∣gan, Our loyal, honest, true and trusty Friend, the Lamp from hand to hand is come to you; it falleth to your turn to give an Answer, Should Panurge, pray you, marry, yea or no? He should do both, quoth Trouillogan. What say you, asked Panurge? That which you have heard, answered Trouillogan. What have I heard? replied Panurge. That which I have said, replied Trouillogan. Ha, ha, ha, are we come to that pass, quoth Pa∣nurge? Let it go nevertheless, I do not value it at a rush, seeing we can make no

better of the Game. But howsoever tell me, Should I marry or no? Neither the one nor the other, answered Trouillogan. The Devil take me, quoth Panurge, if these odd Answers do not make me dote, and may be snatch me presently away, if I do understand you. Stay awhile until I fasten these Spectacles of mine on this left Ear, that I may hear you better. With this Pantagruel perceived at the Door of the great Hall, (which was that day their Dining Room) Gargantua's little Dog, whose Name was Kyne; for so was Toby's Dog called, as is Recorded. Then did he say to these who were there present, Our King is not far off, let us all rise. That word was scarcely sooner uttered, than that Gargantua with his Ro••al Pre∣sence graced that banqueting and stately Hall. Each of their Guests arose to do their King that Reverence and Duty which became them. After that Gargan∣tua had most affably saluted all the Gen∣tlemen there present, he said, Good Friends, I beg this Favour of you, and therein you will very much oblige me, that you leave not the places where you sate, nor quit the Discourse you were upon.

Let a Chair be brought hither unto this end of the Table, and reach me a Cup full of the strongest and best Wine you have, that I may drink to all the Com∣pany. You are in Faith, all welcom, Gentlemen. Now let me know what Talk you were about. To this Panta∣gruel answered, That at the beginning of the Second Service Panurge had proposed a Problematick Theme, to wit, Whether he should marry, or not marry? That Father Hippothadee, and Doctor Rondibilis had al∣ready dispatched their Resolutions there∣upon; and that just as his Majesty was coming in, the faithful Trouillogan, in the delivery of his Opinion, hath thus far proceeded, that when Panurge asked, whether he ought to marry, yea or no. At first he made this Answer, Both together. When this same Question was again pro∣pounded, his second Answer was, Not the one nor the other. Panurge exclaimeth, that those Answers are full of Repugnan∣cies and Contradictions, protesting that he understands them not, nor what it is that can be meaned by them. If I be not mistaken, quoth Gargantua, I under∣stand it very well: The Answer is not unlike to that which was once made by a Philosopher in ancient times, who be∣ing interrogated, if he had a Woman,

whom they named him, to his Wife; I have her, quoth he, but she hath not me; possessing her, by her I am not possest. Such another Answer, quoth Pantagruel, was once made by a certain bouncing Wench of Sparta, who being asked, if at any time she had had to do with a Man? No, (quoth she) but sometimes Men have to do with me. Well then (quoth Rondibilis) let it be a Neuter in Physick; as when we say a bo∣dy is Neuter, when it is neither sick nor healthful; and a Mean in Philosophy; that by an Abnegation of both Extreams, and this by the Participation of the one and of the other: Even as when luke∣warm Water is said to be both hot and cold; or rather, as when Time makes the Partition, and equally divides betwixt the two, a while in the one, ano∣ther while, as long, in the other opposite extremity. The holy Apostle, (quoth Hippothadee) seemeth, as I conceive, to have more clearly explained this Point, when he said, Those that are married, let them be as if they were not married; and those that have Wives, let them be as if they had no Wives at all. I thus inter∣terpret (quoth Pantagruel) the having and not having of a Wife. To have a Wife, is to have the use of her in such a way as Nature hath ordained, which is for the

Aid, Society and Solace of Man, and pro∣pagating of his Race: To have no Wife is not to be uxorious, play the Cow∣ard, and be lazy about her, and not for her sake to distain the Lustre of that Affection which Man owes to God; or yet for her to leave those Offices and Duties which he owes unto his Coun∣try, unto his Friends and Kindred; or for her to abandon and forsake his pre∣cious Studies, and other businesses of Account, to wait still on her Will, her Beck, and her Buttocks. If we be plea∣sed in this Sense to take having and not having of a Wife, we shall indeed find no Repugnancy nor Contradiction in the Terms at all.

CHAP. XXXVI. A Continuation of the Answer of the Ephectick and Pyrronian Philosopher Trouillogan.

YOU speak wisely, quoth Panurge, if the Moon were green Cheese; such a Tale once piss'd my Goose: I do not think but that I am let down into that dark Pit, in the lowermost bottom where∣of the truth was hid, according to the saying of Heraclitus. I see no whit at all, I hear nothing, understand as little, my Senses are altogether dull'd and blunted; truly I do very shrewdly suspect that I am enchanted. I will now alter the for∣mer style of my Discourse, and talk to him in another Strain. Our trusty Friend, stir not, nor imburse any; but let us va∣ry the Chance, and speak without Dis∣junctives: I see already that these loose and ill-joined Members of an Eunuciati∣on do vex, trouble and perplex you.

Now go on, in the Name of God, Should I marry?

Trouillogan.

There is some likelyhood therein.

Panurge.

But if I do not marry?

Trouil.

I see in that no Inconveni∣ence.

Pan.

You do not?

Trouil.

None, truly, if my Eyes deceive me not.

Pan.

Yea, but I find more than Five Hundred.

Trouil.

Reckon them.

Pan.

This is an Impropriety of Speech, I confess; for I do no more thereby, but take a certain for an uncertain Number, and posit the determinate Term for what is indeterminate. When I say therefore Five Hundred, my meaning is, many.

Trouil.

I hear you.

Pan.

Is it possible for me to live with∣out a Wife, in the Name of all the Sub∣terranean Devils?

Trouil.

Away with these filthy Beasts.

Pan.

Let it be then in the Name of God; for my Salmigondinish People use to say, To lie alone without a Wife, is certainly a bruitish Life. And such a Life also was it assevered to be by Dido in her Lamen∣tations.

Trouil.

At your Command,

Pan.

By the Pody Cody, I have fished fair; where are we now? But will you tell me? Shall I marry?

Trouil.

Perhaps.

Pan.

Shall I thrive or speed well with∣all?

Trouil.

According to the Encounter.

Pan.

But if in my Adventure I en∣counter aright, as I hope I will, shall I be fortunate?

Trouil.

Enough.

Pan.

Let us turn the clean contrary way, and brush our former Words against the Wool; what if I encounter ill?

Trouil.

Then blame not me.

Pan.

But, of Courtesie, be pleased to give me some Advice: I heartily beseech you, what must I do?

Trouil.

Even what thou wilt.

Pan.

Wishy, washy; Trolly, trolly.

Trouil.

Do not Invocate the Name of any thing, I pray you.

Pan.

In the Name of God, let it be so: my Actions shall be regulated by the Rule and Square of your Counsel: What is it that you advise and counsel me to do?

Trouil.

Nothing.

Pan.

Shall I marry?

Trouil.

I have no hand in it.

Pan.

Then shall I not marry?

Trouil.

I cannot help it.

Pan.

If I never marry, I shall never be a Cuckold,

Trouil.

I thought so.

Pan.

But put the case that I be married.

Trouil.

Where shall we put it?

Pan.

Admit it be so then, and take my meaning in that sence.

Trouil.

I am otherways employed.

Pan.

By the Death of a Hog, and Mo∣ther of a Toad, O Lord, if I durst ha∣zard upon a little Fling at the swearing Game, though privily and under Thumb, it would lighten the Burthen of my Heart, and ease my Lights and Reins exceeding∣ly; a little Patience nevertheless is requi∣site. Well then, if I marry, I shall be a Cuckold.

Trouil.

One would say so.

Pan.

Yet if my Wife prove a vertu∣ous, wise, discreet and chaste Woman, I shall never be Cuckolded.

Trouil.

I think you speak congruously.

Pan.

Hearken.

Trouil.

As much as you will.

Pan.

Will she be discreet and chaste? This is the only Point I would be resolved in?

Trouil.

I question it.

Pan.

You never saw her?

Trouil.

Not that I know of.

Pan.

Why do you then doubt of that which you know not?

Trouil.

For a Cause.

Pan.

And if you should know her.

Trouil.

Yet more.

Pan.

Page, my pretty little Darling, take here my Cap, I give it thee: Have a care you do not break the Spectacles that are in it; go down to the lower Court: Swear there half an hour for me, and I shall in compensation of that Favour swear hereafter for thee as much as thou wilt. But who shall Cuckold me?

Trouil.

Some body.

Pan.

By the Belly of the wooden Horse at Troy, Master Somebody, I shall bang, be∣lam thee, and claw thee well for thy la∣bour.

Trouil.

You say so.

Pan.

Nay, nay, that Nick in the dark Celler, who hath no White in his Eye, carry me quite away with him, if, in that case, whensoever I go abroad from the Palace of my Domestick Residence, I do not with as much Circumspection, as they use to ring Mares in our Country to keep them from being sallied by Stoned Horses, clap a Bergamasco Lock upon my Wife.

Trouillogan.

Talk better.

Panurge.

It is Bien chien chié chanté, well cacked, and cackled; shitten, and sung in matter of Talk: Let us resolve on some∣what.

Trouillogan.

I do not gainsay it.

Panurge.

Have a little patience, seeing I cannot on this side draw any Blood of you. I will try, if with the Launcet of my Judgment, I be able to bleed you in another Vein. Are you married, or are you not?

Trouillogan.

Neither the one nor the o∣ther, and both together.

Panurge.

O the good God help us; by the Death of a Buffle-ox, I sweat with the toyl and travel that I am put to, and find my Digestion broke off, disturbed, and interrupted for all my Phrenes, Meta∣phrenes, and Diaphragmes, Back, Belly, Mid∣rif, Muscles, Veins, and Sinews are held in a suspence, and for a while discharged from their proper Offices, to stretch forth their several Powers and Abilities, for Incor∣nifistibulating, and laying up into the Ham∣per of my Understanding, your various Sayings and Answers.

Trouillogan.

I shall be no hinderer there∣of.

Panurge.

Tush, for shame: our faithful Friend, speak, Are you married?

Trouillogan.

I think so.

Panurge.

You were also married before you had this Wife.

Trouillogan.

It is possible.

Panurge.

Had you good Luck in your First Marriage?

Trouillogan.

It is not impossible.

Panurge.

How thrive you with this Se∣cond Wife of yours?

Trouillogan.

Even as it pleaseth my Fa∣tal Destiny.

Panurge.

But what in good earnest? tell me: Do you prosper well with her?

Trouillogan▪

It is likely

Panurge.

Come on, in the Name of God: I vow by the Burthen of Saint Christopher, that I had rather undertake the fetching of a Fart forth of the Belly of a dead Ass, then to draw out of you a positive and determinate Resolution: yet shall I be sure at this time to have a snatch at you, and get my Claws over you. Our trusty Friend, let us shame the Devil of Hell, and confess the verity: Were you ever a Cuckold? I say, you who are here, and not that other you who playeth be∣low in the Tennis-Court?

Trouillogan.

No, if it was not predesti∣nated.

Panurge.

By the Flesh, Blood, and Body, I swear, reswear, forswear, abjure, and re∣nounce, he evades and avoids, shifts, and escapes me, and quite slips and winds him∣self out of my Gripes and Clutches.

At these words Gargantua arose, and said, Praised be the good God in all things, but especially for bringing the World in∣to that heighth of Refinedness, beyond what it was when I first came to be ac∣quainted therewith, that now the Learn∣edst and most Prudent Philosophers are not ashamed to be seen entring in at the Porches and Frontispieces of the Schools of the Pyrronian, Aporetick, Sceptick, and Eph••ctick Sects: Blessed be the Holy Name of God, veritably, it is like henceforth to be found an Enterprize of much more ea∣sie undertaking, to catch Lyons by the Neck, Horses by the Main, Oxen by the Horns▪ Bulls by the Muzzle, Wolves by the Tail, Goats by the Beard, and flying Birds by the Feet, then to intrap such Philosophers in their words. Farewel, my worthy, dear, and honest Friends.

When he had done thus speaking, he withdrew himself from the Company; Pantagruel, and others with him would have followed and accompanied him, but he would not permit them so to do. No sooner was Gargantua departed out of the

Banquetting-Hall, then that Pantagruel said to the invited Guests: Plato's Timee, at the Beginning always of a solemn Festi∣val Convention, was wont to count those that were called thereto; we on the con∣trary, shall at the Closure and End of this Treatment, reckon up our Number, One, Two, Three; Where is the Fourth? I miss my Friend Bridlegoose: Was not he sent for? Epistemon answered, That he had been at his House to bid and invite him; but could not meet with him: for that a Messenger from the Parliament of Mirlingois, in Mirlingues, was come from him, with a Writ of Summons, to cite and warn him personally to appear before the Reverend Senators of the High Court there, to vindicate and justifie himself at the Bar, of the Crime of Prevarication laid to his charge, and to be peremptorily instanced against him in a certain De∣cree, Judgment, or Sentence lately award∣ed, given and pronounced by him: and that therefore he had taken Horse, and departed in great hast from his own House; to the end, that without peril or danger of falling into a default, or contu∣macy, he might be the better able to keep the prefixed and appointed time.

I will (quoth Pantagruel) understand how that matter goeth; it is now above

Forty Years, that he hath been constantly the Judge of Fonsbeton: during which space of time, he hath given Four thou∣sand Definitive Sentences: of Two thou∣sand three hundred and nine whereof, al∣though Appeal was made by the Parties whom he had judicially condemned from his inferiour Judicatory, to the Supream Court of the Parliament of Mirlingois, in Mirlingues they were all of them never∣theless confirmed, ratified and approved of by an Order, Decree, and final Sen∣tence of the said Sovereign Court, to the casting of the Appellants, and utter over∣throw of the Suits wherein they had been foiled at Law, for ever and a day: that now in his Old Age he should be perso∣nally summoned▪ who in all the foregoing time of his Life, hath demeaned himself so unblamably in the Discharge of the Office and Vocation he had been called unto; it cannot assuredly be, that such a change hath happened without some notorious Misfortune and Disaster: I am resolved to help and assist him in Equity and Justice to the uttermost extent of my power and ability. I know the Malice, Despight, and Wickedness of the World to be so much more now-a-days exaspered, increa∣sed, and aggravated by what it was not long since, that the best Cause that is, how

just and equitable soever it be, standeth in great need to be succoured, aided and supported. Therefore presently, from this very instant forth, do I purpose, till I see the event and closure thereof, most heed∣fully to attend and wait upon it, for ••••ar of some under-hand tricky Surprizal, ••••••∣villing, Pettifoggery, or fallacious Qui••ks in Law, to his detriment, hurt, or disad∣vantage.

Then Dinner being done, and the Ta∣bles drawn and removed, when Pantagruel had very cordially and affectionately thanked his invited Guests, for the Favour which he had enjoyed of their Company, he presented them with several rich and costly Gifts, such as Jewels, Rings set with precious Stones, Gold and Silver Vessels, with a great deal of other sort of Plate be∣sides; and lastly, taking of them all his Leave, retired himself into an inner Cham∣ber.

CHAP. XXXVII. How Pantagruel perswaded Panurge to take Counsel of a Fool.

WHen Pantagruel had withdrawn himself, he by a little sloping Window in one of the Galleries, percei∣ved Panurge in a Lobbey not far from thence, walking alone, with the Gesture, Carriage, and Garb of a fond Dotard, ra∣ving, wagging, and shaking his Hands, dandling, lolling, and nodding with his Head, like a Cow bellowing for her Calf; and having then called him nearer, spoke unto him thus: You are at this present (as I think) not unlike to a Mouse in∣tangled in a snare, who the more that she goeth about to rid and unwind herself out of the Gin wherein she is caught, by en∣deavouring to clear and deliver her feet from the Pitch whereto they stick, the foulier she is bewrayed with it, and the more strongly pestered therein; even so is it with you: for the more that you la∣bour, strive, and inforce your se••f to dis∣incumber,

incumber, and extricate your Thoughts out of the implicating Involutions and Fetterings of the grievous and lamentable Gins and Springs of Anguish and Perplexi∣ty; the greater difficulty there is in the relieving of you, and you remain faster bound then ever: nor do I know or the removal of this Inconveniency, any Re∣medy but one.

Take heed; I have often heard it said in a Vulgar Proverb, The Wise may be in∣structed by a Fool. Seeing the Answers and Responses of sage and judicious Men, have in no manner of way satisfied you, take Advice of some Fool; and possibly by so doing, you may come to get that Councel which will be agreeable to your own Heart's desire and contentment. You know how by the Advice and Councel and Prediction of Fools, many Kings, Prin∣ces, States, and Commonwealths have been preferved, several Battels gained, and di∣vers doubts of a most perplexed Intricacy resolved: I am not so diffident of your Memory, as to hold it needful to refresh it with a Quotation of Examples; nor do I so far undervalue your Judgment, but that I think it will acquiesce in the Reason of this my subsequent Discourse.

As he who narrowly takes heed to what concerns the dextrous Management of his private Affairs, domestick Businesses, and those Adoes which are confined within the streight-lac'd compass of one Family: who is attentive, vigilant, and active in the oeconomick Rule of his own House; whose frugal Spirit never strays from home; who loseth no occasion, whereby he may purchase to himself more Riches, and build up new Heaps of Treasure on his former Wealth; and who knows wa∣rily how to prevent the Inconveniencies of Poverty, is called a worldly Wise Man, though perhaps in the Second Judgment of the Intelligences which are above, he be esteemed a Fool. So on the contrary, is he most like (even in the thoughts of all Coelestial Spirits) to be not only sage, but to presage Events to come by Divine In∣spiration, who laying quite aside those Cares which are conducible to his Body, or his Fortunes, and as it were departing from himself, rids all his Senses of Ter∣rene Affections, and clears his Fancies of those plodding Studies, which harbour in the Minds of Thriving Men: all which Neglects of Sublunary Things are vulgarly imputed Folly.

After this manner, the Son of Picus, King of the Latins, that great Southsayer

Faunus, was called Fatuus, by the witless Rabble of the common People. The like we dail•• see practised amongst the Co∣mick Players, whose Drammatick Rolls, in distribution of the Personages, appoint the acting of the Fool to him who is the wisest of the Troop. In approbation al∣so of this fashion the Mathematicians allow the very same Horoscope to Princes, and to Sots. Whereof a right pregnant instance by them is given in the Nativities of Ae∣neas and Choraebus; the latter of which two is by Euphorion said to have been a Fool: and yet had with the former the same Aspects, and heavenly Genethlick In∣fluences.

I shall not, I suppose, swerve much from the purpose in hand, if I relate unto you, what Ihon Andrew said upon the Return of a Papal Writ, which was directed to the Mayor of Rochel; and Burgesses after him by Panorm, upon the same Pontifical Ca∣non; Barbatia, on the Pandects, and re∣cently by Iason, in his Councels, con∣cerning Seyny Ihon the noted Fool of Paris, and Caillets fore-great Grandfather. The Case is this:

At Paris, in 〈◊〉〈◊〉 Roast-meat Cookery of the Petit 〈◊〉〈◊〉, before the Cook-Shop of one 〈◊〉〈◊〉 Roast-meat Sellers of that Lane, a 〈◊〉〈◊〉 hungry Porter was

eating his Bread, after he had by Parcels kept it a while above the Reek and Steam of a fat Goose on the Spit, turn∣ing at a great Fire, and found it so be∣smoaked with the Vapour, to be savoury; which the Cook observing, took no no∣tice, till after having ravined his Penny Loaf, whereof no Morsel had been un∣smoakified, he was about discamping and going away; but by your leave, as the Fellow thought to have departed thence shot-free, the Master-Cook laid hold upon him by the Gorget, demand∣ed payment for the Smoak of his Roast-meat. The Porter answered, that he had sustained no loss at all; that by what he had done there was no Diminution made of the Flesh, that he had taken nothing of his, and that therefore he was not in∣debted to him in any thing: As for the Smoak in question, that, although he had not been there, it would howsoever have been evaporated: besides that, before that time it had never been seen nor heard, that Roast-meat Smoak was sold upon the Streets of Paris. The Cook hereto replied, That he was not obliged nor any way bound to feed and nourish for nought a Porter whom he had never seen before with the Smoak of his Roast-meat; and thereupon swore, that if he

would not forthwith content and satisfie him with present Payment for the Repast which he had thereby got, that he would take his crooked Staves from off his Back; which instead of having Loads thereafter laid upon them, should serve for Fuel to his Kitchin Fires. Whilst he was going about so to do, and to have pulled them to him by one of the bottom Rungs, which he had caught in his Hand, the sturdy Porter got out of his Gripes, drew forth the knotty Cudgel, and stood to his own Defence. The Altercation waxed hot in Words, which moved the gaping Hoydons of the sottish Parisians to run from all parts thereabouts to see what the issue would be of that babling Strife and Contention. In the interim of this Di∣spute, to very good purpose Seiny Ihon the Fool and Citizen of Paris, hapned to be there, whom the Cook perceiving, said to the Porter, Wilt thou refer and submit unto the noble Seiny Ihon, the Decision of the Difference and Controversie which is betwixt us? Yes, by the Blood of a Goose, answered the Porter, I am content. Seiny Ihon the Fool, finding that the Cook and Porter had compromised the Determina∣tion of their Variance and Debate to the Discretion of his Award and Arbitriment; after that the Reasons on either side

whereupon was grounded the mutual fierceness of their brawling Jar had been to the full displayed and laid open before him, commanded the Porter to draw out of the Fab of his Belt a piece of Money, if he had it. Whereupon the Porter im∣mediately without delay, in Reverence to the Authority of such a Judicious Um∣pire, put the tenth part of a Silver Phillip into his hand. This little Phillip Seiny Ihon took, then set it on his Left Shoul∣der, to try by feeling if it was of a suf∣ficient weight; after that, laying it on the palm of his hand he made it ring and tingle, to understand by the Ear if it was of a good Alloy in the Metal where∣of it was composed: Thereafter he put it to the Ball or Apple of his Left Eye, to ex∣plore by the sight if it was well stamped and marked; all which being done, in a profound Silence of the whole doltish People, who were there Spectators of this Pageantry, to the great Hope of the Cooks, and Despair of the Porters Pre∣valency in the Suit that was in agitation, he finally caused the Porter to make it sound several times upon the Stall of the Cooks Shop. Then with a Presidential Majesty holding his Bable (Scepter-like) in his Hand, muffling his Head with a Hood of Martern Skins, each side where∣of

had the resemblance of an Apes Face, sprucified up with Ears of pasted Paper, and having about his Neck a bucked Ruff, raised, furrowed, and ridged, with Ponting Sticks of the shape and fashion of small Organ Pipes; he first with all the force of his Lungs Coughed two or three times, and then with an audible Voice pronounced this following Sentence, The Court declareth, that the Porter, who ate his Bread at the Smoak of the roast, hath ci∣villy paid the Cook with the sound of his Mo∣ney: And the said Court Ordaineth, that every one return to his own home, and attend his proper business, without Cost and Charges, and for a Cause. This Ver∣dict, Award and Arbitriment of the Pa∣risian Fool, did appear so equitable, yea, so admirable to the aforesaid Doctors, that they very much doubted, if the matter had been brought before the Sessions for Iu∣stice of the said place, or that the Judges of the Rota at Rome had been Umpires therein; or yet that the Areopagites them∣selves had been the Deciders thereof, if by any one part, or all of them together, it had been so judicially sententiated and awarded. Therefore advise if you will be counselled by a Fool.

CHAP. XXXVIII. How Triboulet is set forth and blazed by Pantagruel and Panurge.

BY my Soul, quoth Panurge, that Over∣ture pleaseth me exceedingly well; I will therefore lay hold thereon, and em∣brace it. At the very motioning thereof my very Right Entral seemeth to be wide∣ned and enlarged, which was but just now hard bound, contracted and costive: but as we have hitherto made choice of the purest and most refined Cream of Wisdom and Sapience for our Counsel, so would I now have to preside and bear the prime Sway in our Consultation, as were a Fool in the supream degree. Triboulet (quoth Pantagruel) is compleatly foolish, as I conceive. Yes truly (answered Pa∣nurge) he is properly and totally a Fool, a

Pantagruel.	Panurge.
Fatal f.	Jovial f.
Natural f.	Mercurial f.
Celectial f.	Lunatick f.

Erratick f.	Ducal f.
Excentrick f.	Common f.
Aetherial and Juno∣nian f.	Lordly f.
	Palatin f.
Arctick f.	Principal f.
Heroick f.	Pretorian f.
Gemial f.	Ellected f.
Inconstant f.	Courtly f.
Earthly f.	Primipilary f.
Solacious and spor∣ting f.	Triumphant f.
	Vulgar f.
Jocund and wan∣ton f.	Domestick f.
	Exemplary s.
Pimpled f.	Rare outlandish f.
Freckled f.	Satrapal f.
Bell-tinging f.	Civil f.
Laughing and lech∣erous f.	Popular f.
	Familiar f.
Nimming and fil∣ching f.	Notable f.
	Favourized f.
Unpressed f.	Latinized f.
First broached f.	Ordinary f.
Augustal f.	Transcendent f.
Cesarine f.	Rising f.
Imperial f.	Papal f.
Royal f.	Consistorian f.
Patriarchal f.	Conclavist f.
Original f.	Bullist f.
Loyal f.	Synodal f.

Episcopal f.	Doting and raving f.
Doctoral f.	Singular and sur∣passing f.
Monachal f.
Fiscal f.	Special and excel∣ling f.
Extravagant f.
Writhed f.	Metaphysical f.
Canonical f.	Scatical f.
Such another f.	Predicamental and Catagorick f.
Graduated f.
Commensal f.	Predicable and e∣nunciatory f.
Primolicentiated f.
Trainbairing f.	Decumane and Su∣perlative f.
Supererrogating f.
Collateral f.	Dutiful and offici∣ous f.
Haunch and side f.
Nestling, ninny and youngling f.	Optical and perspe∣ctive f.
Flitting, giddy and unsteddy f.	Algoristick f.
	Algebraical f.
Brancher, novice and Cockney f.	Cabalistical & Mas∣soretical f.
Hagard, cross and froward f.	Talmudical f.
	Algamalized f.
Gentle, mild and tractable f.	Compendious f.
	Abbreviated f.
Mail-coated f.	Hyperbolical f.
Pilfring and pur∣loining f.	Anatomastical f.
	Allegorical f.
Tail-grown f.	Tropological f.
Gray-peckled f.

Pleonasmical f.	Micher pincrust f.
Capital f.	Heteroclit f.
Hair brained f.	Summist f.
Cordial f.	Abbridging f.
Intimate f.	Morrish f.
Hepatick f.	Leaden-sealed f.
Cushotten and swil∣ling f.	Mandatory f.
	Compassionate f.
Splenetick f.	Titulary f.
Windy f.	Crooching, showk∣ing, ducking f.
Ligitimate f.
Azymathal f.	Grim, stern, harsh, and wayward f.
Almicautarized f.
Proportioned f.	Well-hung & tim∣bred f.
Chinnified f.
Swollen and puffed up f.	Ill-clawed, pounced and pawed f.
Overcockrifed lid and lified f.	Well-stoned f.
	Crabbed and un∣pleasing f.
Corallery f.
Eastern f.	Winded and tain∣ted f.
Sublime f.
Crimson f.	Kitchin-haunting f.
Ingrained f.	Lofty and stately f.
City f.	Spitrack f.
Basely acoutred f.	Architrave f.
Mast-headed f.	Pedestal f.
Modal f.	Tetragonal f.
Second notial f.	Renowned f.

Chearful and bux∣om f.	Reumatick f.
	Flaunting and brag∣gadochio f.
Solemn f.
Annual f.	Egregious f.
Festival f.	Humorous and ca∣pricious f.
Recreative f.
Boorish and coun∣terfeit f.	Rude, gross and ab∣surd f.
Pleasant f.	Large measured f.
Priviledged f.	Bable f.
Rustical f.	Down-right f.
Proper and peculi∣ar f.	Broad-listed f.
	Downsical-bear∣ing f.
Ever ready f.
Diapatonal f.	Stale and over∣worn f.
Resolute f.
Hieroglyphical f.	Sawcy and swagger∣ing f.
Authentick f.
Worty f.	Full bulked f.
Precious f.	Gallant and vain∣glorious f.
Fanatick f.
Fantastical f.	Gorgeous and gaw∣dy f.
Symphatiok f.
Panick f.	Continual and in∣termitting f.
Limbicked and di∣stilled f.
	Rebasing & round∣ling f.
Comportable f.
Wretched & heart∣less f.	Prototypal and pre∣cedenting f.

Fooded f.	Prating f.
Thick and three∣fold f.	Catechetick f.
	Cacodoxical f.
Damasked f.	Meridional f.
Fearny f.	Nocturnal f.
Unleavened f.	Occidental f.
Barytonant f.	Trifling f.
Pink and spot-pou∣dered f.	Astrological and Fi∣gure-flinging f.
Musket-proof f.	Cenethliack & Ho∣roscopal f.
Pedantick f.
Strouting f.	Knavish f.
Wood f.	Idiot f.
Greedy f.	Blockish f.
Senseless f.	Beetle-headed f.
Godderlich f.	Crotesk f.
Obstinate f.	Impertinent f.
Contradictory f.	Quarrelsom f.
Pedagogical f.	Unmannerly f.
Daft f.	Captious and Sophi∣stical f.
Drunken f.
Peevish f.	Soritick f.
Prodigal f.	Catholoproton f.
Rash f.	Hoti and Diots f.
Plodding f.	Aplos and Catati f.

Pantagruel.

If there was any reason why at Rome the Quirinal Holiday, of old, was called the Feast of Fools; I know not

why me may not for the like cause insti∣tute in France the Tribouletick Festivals, to be Celebrated and Selemnized over all the Land.

Panurge.

If all Fools carried Cruppers.

Pantagruel.

If he were the God Fatu∣us, of whom we have already made men∣tion, the Husband of the Goddess Fatua, his Father would be Good Day, and his Grand-mother Good Even.

Panurge.

If all Fools paced, albeit he be somewhat wry-legged, he would overlay at least a Fathom at every Rake. Let us go toward him without any further lin∣gring or delay, we shall have no doubt some fine Resolution of him. I am rea∣dy to go, and long for the issue of our Progress impatiently. I must needs (quoth Pantagruel) according to my former Re∣solution of him, be present at Bridlegoose's Tryal: Nevertheless, whilst I shall be upon my Journey towards Mirelingues, which is on the other side of the River of Loire, I will dispatch Carpalin to bring a∣long with him from Blois the Fool Tribou∣let. Then was Carpalin instantly sent away, and Pantagruel at the same time attended by his Domesticks, Panurge, Epistemon, Po∣nocrates, Friar Ihon, Gymnast, Rysotome, and others, marched forward on the the High Road to Marlingues.

CHAP. XXXIX. How Pantagruel was present at the Try∣al of Iudge Bridlegoose, who decided Causes and Controversies in Law, by the Chance and Fortune of the Dice.

ON the Day following, precisely at the Hour appointed, Pantagruel came to Merlingues: At his Arrival the Presidents, Senators, and Counsellors prayed him to do them the Honour to enter in with them, to hear the Decision of all the Causes, Ar∣guments, and Reasons, which Bridlegoose in his own Defence would produce, why he had pronounced a certain Sentence a∣gainst the Subsidy-Assessor, Toucheronde; which did not seem very equitable to that Centumviral Court. Pantagruel very wil∣lingly condescended to their desire, and accordingly entring in, found Bridlegoose sitting within the middle of the Inclosure of the said Court of Justice; who imme∣diately upon the coming of Pantrgruel, ac∣companied with the Senatorian Members of that worshipful Judicatory, arose, went

to the Bar, had his Indictment read, and for all his Reasons, Defences, and Excuses, answered nothing else, but that he was become Old, and that his Sight of late was very much failed, and become dim∣ner then it was wont to be; instancing therewithal many Miseries and Calami∣ties, which Old Age bringeth along with it, and are concomitant to wrinkled Elders; which not, par Archi d' LXXVI.C. tanta: by reason of which Infirmity he was not able so distinctly and clearly to discern the Points and Blots of the Dice, as formerly he had been accustomed to do: whence it might very well have happened, said he, as old dim-sighted Isaac took Ia∣cob for Esau, that I after the same manner, at the Decision of Causes and Controver∣sies in Law, should have been mistaken in taking a Quatre for a Cinque, or Tre for a Deuce: This, I beseech your Worship (quoth he) to take into your serious Consideration, and to have the more favourable Opinion of my Uprightness, (notwithstanding the Prevarication whereof I am accused, in the matter of Toucherondy's Sentence) that at the time of that Decrees pronouncing, I only had made use of my small Dice; and your Worships (said he) knew very well, how by the most Authentick Rules of the Law, it is provided, That the Imperfecti∣ons

of Nature should never be imputed unto any for Crimes and Transgressions; as ap∣peareth, F. de re Mil. L. qui cum uno F. de Reg. Iur. L. fere F. de aedit. edict. per totum, F. de term. Mo. L. Divus Adrianus, resol∣ved by LU. RO. ML. Si Vero. F. Sol. Mat. And who would offer to do otherways, should not thereby accuse the Man, but Nature, and the All-seeing Providence of God, as is evident in L. Maximum Vitium C. de Liber praeter.

What kind of Dice (quoth Trinquamelle, grand President of the said Court) do you mean, my Friend Bridle-goose? The Dice (quoth Bridlegoose) of Sentences at Law, Decrees, and peremptory Judgments, A∣lea Iudiciorum, whereof is written, Per Doct. 26. qu. 2.Ca. Sors L. nec emptio F. de contrahen. empt. L. quod debetur. F. de pecu, & ibi Bart. And which your Worships do as well as I, use, in this glorious Sovereign Court of yours: so do all other righteous Judges in their Decision of Processes, and Final Determination of Legal Differences, observing that which hath been said there∣of, by D. Henri. Ferraudet. & not. Gl. MC. si de sort. il & L. sed cum ambo F. de rud. ubi Doc. Where mark, that Chance and Fortune, are good, honest, profitable and necessary for ending of, and putting a fi∣nal closure to Dissensions and Debates in

Suits at Law. The same hath more clear∣ly been declared by Bal. Barto. & Alex. C. communia de L. Si duo. But how is it that you do these things? (asked Tirque∣mel.) I very briefly (quoth Bridlegoose) shall answer you, according to the Do∣ctrine and Instructions of L. ampliorem par in refutatoriis C. de Appell. Which is con∣form to what is said in Il. 1. L. 2. F. quod met. cau. gaudent. brevitate moderni. My Practice is therein the same with that of your other Worships, and as the Custom of the Judicatory requires, unto which our Law commandeth us to have regard, and by the Rule thereof still to direct and regulate our Actions and Procedures. Ut not. extra de consuet. C. ex literis, & ibi Iano: for having well and exactly seen, surveyed, overlooked, reviewed, recognised, read, and read over again, turned and tossed over, seriously perused and examined the Bills of Complaint, Accusations, Impeach∣ments, Indictments, Warnings, Citations, Summonings, Comparitions, Appearan∣ces, Mandates, Commissions, Delegations, Instructions, Informations, Inquests, Pre∣paratories, Productions, Evidences, Proofs, Allegations, Depositions, cross Speeches, Contradictions, Supplications, Requests, Petitions, Enquiries, Instruments of the Deposition of Witnesses, Rejoinders, Re∣plies,

Confirmations of former Assertions, Duplies, Triplies, Answers to Rejoinders, Writings, Deeds, Reproaches, disabling of Exceptions taken, Grievances, Salvation-Bills, Re-examination of Witnesses, Con∣fronting of them together, Declarations, Denunciations, Libels, Certificates, Royal Missives, Letters of Appeal, Letters of At∣torney, Instruments of Compulsion, De∣linatories, Anticipatories, Evocations, Mes∣sages, Dimissions, Issues, Exceptions, dila∣tory Pleas, Demurs, Compositions, Injun∣ctions, Reliefs, Reports, Returns, Confes∣sions, Acknowledgments, Exploits, Exe∣cutions, and other such-like Confects and Spiceries, both at the one and the other side, as a good Judge ought to do, con∣form to what hath been noted thereupon. Sper de ordinario. Paragr. 3. & Tit. de Offi. O. in Paragr. fin. & de prescriptis Praesent▪ à Parag. 1. I posit on the end of a Table, in my Closet, all the Poaks and Bags of the Defendant, and then allow unto him the first hazard of the Dice; according to the usual manner of your other Worships. And it is mentioned, L. Favorabiliores F. de Reg. Iur. & in d. cum sunt eo. Tit. Lib. 6. which saith, Quum sunt partium Iura obscura, reo potius favendum est quam actori. That being done, I thereafter lay down upon the other end of the same Table, the Bags

and Sachels of the Plaintiff, (as your other Worships are accustomed to do) Visum Visu, just over-against one another: for, Opposi••a juxta se potest clarius elucescunt: ut not. in L. Parag. Videamus F. de his qui sunt sui vel alieni juris, & in L Munerum. Mixta F. de mun. & hon. Then do I likeways, and semblably throw the Dice for him, and forthwith livre him his chance. But (quoth Trigamelle) my Friend, how come you to know, understand, and resolve the obscurity of these various and seeming contrary Passages in Law, which are laid claim to by the Suitors, and pleading Par∣ties? Even just (quoth Bridlegoose) after the fashion of your other Worships: to wit, when there are many Bags on the one side, and on the other, I then use my little small Dice (after the customary manner of your other Worships) in obedience to the Law. Semper in stipulationibus F. de Reg. Iur. The Law verified, verifieth that, Eo tit. semper in obscuris quod minimum est sequi∣mur: Canonized in C. in obscuris cod. Tit. Lib. 6. I have other large great Dice, fair, and goodly ones, which I employ in the fashion that your other Worships use to do, when the matter is more plain, clear, and liquid: that is to say, when there are fewer Bags. But when you have done all these fine things (quoth Tri∣quamel)

how do you, my Friend, award your Decrees, and pronounce Judgment? Even as your other Worships (answered Bridlegoose) for I give out Sentence in his favour, unto whom hath befallen the best Chance by Dice; Judiciary, Tribunian, Pretorial, what comes first: So our Laws command. F. qui pot. in Pig. L. Potior. L. Creditor. C. de Cons. L. 1. & de Reg. Iur on U. Qui prior est jure.

CHAP. XL. How Bridlegoose giveth Reasons, why he looked upon those Law-Actions which he decided by the Chance of the Dice.

YEa, but (quoth Trinquamel) my Friend, seeing it is by the Lot, Chance, and Throw of the Dice that you award your Judgments and Sentences, why do not you livre up these fair Throws and Chances the very same Day and Hour, without any further procrastination or delay, that the controverting Party-pleaders appear before you? To what use can those Wri∣tings

serve you, those Papers, and other Procedures contained in the Bags and Poaks of the Law-Suitors? To the very same use (quoth Bridle-goose) that they serve your other Worships. They are behooful unto me, and serve my turn in three things very exquisite, requisite, and authentical. First, For Formality-sake, the omission whereof, that it maketh all what∣ever is done, to be of no force nor value, is excellently well proved, by Spec. tit. de inst. edi. & tit. de rescript. praesent. Besides, that it is not unknown to you, who have had many more Experiments thereof then I, how oftentimes in Judicial Proceed∣ings, the Formalities utterly destroy the Materialities and Substances of the Causes and Matters agitated; for Forma mutata, mutatur substantia F. ad exh. L. Iulianus F. ad. leg. Pals. si is qui Quadraginta. Et extra de deci. C. ad audientiam. Et de Cel. Miss. C. in quadam.

Secondly, They are useful and steadable to me, (even as unto your other Worships) in lieu of some other honest and healthful Exercise. The late Master Othoman Vadat, a prime Physician, as you would say, Cod. de Comit. & Archi. Lib. 12. hath frequent∣ly told me, That the lack and default of Bodily Exercise, is the chief, if not the sole and only cause of the little Health, and

short Lives of all Officers of Justice, such as your Worships and I am. Which Ob∣servation was singularly well, before him, noted and remarked by Bartholus in Lib. 1. C. de Sent. quae pro eo quod: therefore is it, that the Practice of such-like Exercitations is appointed to be laid hold on by your other Worships, and consequently not to be denied unto me, who am of the same Profession: Quia accessurum naturam sequi∣tur principalis, de Reg. Iur. L. 7. & L cum principalis, & L. nihil dolo F. eo tit. F. de fide juss. L. fide Iuss. & extra de Officio de L. Cap. 1. Let certain honest, and recreative Sports and Plays of Corporeal Exercises be allowed and approved of; and so far, Ut omnes obed. in prius Coll. 7. & F. de prae∣script. ver L. gratuitatem & L. 1. Cod. de Spe. L. 11. Such also is the Opinion of D. Thom. in Secunda, Secundae Q. 168. Quoted in very good purpose, by D. at de Rosa; who, Fuit magnus Practicus, and a solemn Doctor, as Barbaria attesteth in Principiis Consil. Wherefore the Reason is evidently and clearly deduced, and set down before us, in Gloss. in praemio F. par ne autem tertii. Interpone tuis interdum gaudia curis. In very deed, one, in the Year a Thousand four hundred fourscore and sixth, having a Bu∣siness concerning the Portion and Inheri∣tance of a younger Brother, depending in

the Court and Chamber of the Four High Treasurers of France, whereinto assoon as ever I got leave to enter by a Pecuniary Permission of the Usher thereof, as your other Worships know very well, that Pe∣cunia obediant omnia; and there says, Bal∣dus, in L. Singularia. F. si cert. pet. & lol. in L. receptitia. Cod. de constit. pecuni. & card. in cler. 1. de Baptism. I found them all re∣creating and diverting themselves at the Play called Musse, either before or after Dinner; to me, truly, it is a thing altoge∣ther indifferent, whether of the two it was, provided that Hic not. that the Game of the Musse is honest, healthful, ancient, and lawful: A Muscho inventore, de quo Cod. de perhaere L. si post motam: & Muscarii. Such as play and sport it at the Musse, are excu∣sable in and by Law, Lib. 1. C. de excus. artific. lib. 10. And at the very same time was Master Tielman Picquet, one of the Players of that Game of Musse: there is nothing that I do better remember; for he laughed heartily, when his Fellow-Members of the aforesaid Judicial Cham∣ber, spoiled their Caps in swinging of his Shoulders; he, nevertheless, did even then say unto them, that the banging and flap∣ping of him to the wast, and havock of their Caps, should not at their return from the Palace to their own Houses, ex∣cuse

them from their Wives: Part 1. extra de praesum. & ibi glos. Now resolutory lo∣quendo, I should say, according to the stile and phrase of your other Worships, that there is no Exercise, Sport, Game, Play, nor Recreation in all this Palatine, Pala∣cial, or Parliamentary World, more ario∣matizing and fragrant, then to empty and void Bags and Purses: turn over Papers and Writings: quote Margins and Backs of Scrolls and Rolls; fill Panniers, and take inspection of Causes: Ex Bart. & Ioan. de prad. in L. falsa de condit. & De∣most. F.

Thirdly, I consider as your own Wor∣ships use to do, that Time ripeneth and bring∣eth all things to maturity, that by Time every thing cometh to be made manifest and patent, and that Time is the Father of Truth and Vertue. Gloss. in I. cod. de Ser∣vit. authent. de restit. & ea quae pa. & spe tit. de requis. cons. Therefore is it, that after the manner and fashion of your other Worships, I defer, protract, delay, pro∣long, intermit, surcease, pause, linger, su∣spend, prorogate, drive out, wyre-draw, and shift off the Time of giving a Defini∣tive Sentence, to the end that the Suit or Process, being well vanned and winnow∣ed, tost and canvassed to and fro; nar∣rowly, precisely, and nearly garbelled,

sifted, searched and examined: and on all Hands exactly argued, disputed and deba∣ted, may, by success of Time come at last to its full ripeness and maturity: by means whereof, when the fatal hazard of the Dice ensueth thereupon, the Parties cast or con∣demned by the said Aleatory Chance, will with much greater patience, and more mildly and gently endure, and bear up the disastrous Load of their Misfortune, then if they had been sentenced at their first arrival unto the Court: as, Not. gl. F. de excus. tut. L. tria onera. Portatur leviter quod portas quis{que} libenter. On the other part, to pass a Decree or Sentence, when the action is raw, crude, green, unripe, and unprepared as at the beginning, a danger would ensue of a no less inconve∣niency, then that which the Physicians have been wont to say, befalleth to him in whom an Imposthume is pierced before it be ripe; or unto any other whose Bo∣dy is purged of a strong predominating Humor, before its digestion: for as it is written, In Authent. haec consist. in nos. de constit. princip. So is the same repeated, In gloss. in C. caeterum extr. quod medicamenta morbis exhibent. hoc jura negotiis. Nature furthermore admonisheth and teacheth us, to gather and reap, eat and feed on Fruits when they are ripe, and not before. In∣stit.

de re di paragr. is ad quem & F. de acti∣on. empt. L. Iulianus. To marry likeways our Daughters when they are ripe, and no sooner. F. de donation inter vir. & ux∣or. L. cum his status paragr. si quia sponsa & 21 q. C. sic ut dicit. gl.

Iam matura thoro plenis adoleverat annis Virginitas.

And in a word, she instructeth us to do nothing of any considerable Importance, but in a full maturity and ripeness. 23 q. 2 paragr. ult. & 23. de C. ultimo.

CHAP. XLI. How Bridlegoose relateth the History of the Reconcilers of Parties at va∣riance in matters of Law.

I Remember to the same purpose (quoth Bridlegoose, in continuing his Discourse) that in the time when at Poictiers I was a Student of Law under Crocadium Iuris, there was at Smerva one Peter Dandin, a very honest Man, careful Labourer of

the Ground, fine Singer in a Church-Desk, of good Repute and Credit, and older than the most aged of all your Worships; who was wont to say, that he had seen the great and goodly Good Man the Council of Lateran, with his wide and broad brimmed Red Hat: As also, that he had beheld and looked upon the fair and beautiful Pragmatical Sanction, his Wife, with her huge Rosary or Pate∣notrian Chapelet of Jeat-beads, hanging at a large Sky-coloured Ribbond. This honest Man compounded, attoned and a∣greed more Differencies, Controversies and Variances at Law than had been de∣termined, voided and finished during his time in the whole Palace of Poictiers, in the Auditory of Montmorillon, and in the Town-house of the old Partenay. This amicable Disposition of his rendred him Venerable, and of great Estimation, Sway, Power and Authority throughout all the neighbouring places of Chauvinie, Nouaille, Vivonne, Mezeaux, Estables, and other bordering and circumjacent Towns, Vil∣lages, and Hamlets: All their Debates were pacified by him; he put an end to their brabling Suits at Law, and wrang∣ling Differences. By his Advice and Counsels were Accords and Reconcile∣ments no less firmly made, than if the

Verdict of a Soveraign Judge had been interposed therein, although, in very deed, he was no Judge at all, but a right honest Man, as you may well conceive. Arg. in L. si Anius F. de Iure jur. & de ver∣bis obligatorii sit continuus.

There was not a Hog killed within three Parishes of him, whereof he had not some part of the Haslet and Puddings. He was almost every day invited either to a Marriage, Banket, Christning Feast, an upri∣sing or Women-Churching Treatment, a Birth-day's Anniversary Solemnity, a mer∣ry Frollick Gossiping, or otherways to some delicious Entertainment in a Ta∣vern, to make some Accord and Agree∣ment between Persons at odds, and in de∣bate with one another. Remark what I say; for he never yet setled and com∣pounded a Difference betwixt any two at variance, but he streight made the Par∣ties agreed and pacified, to drink together, as a sure and infallible Token and Symbol of a perfect and compleatly well cemen∣ted Reconciliation, sign of a sound and sincere Amity and proper Mark of a new Joy and Gladness to follow thereupon. Ut Not. per F. de Peri & com. rei. ven. L. 1. He had a Son whose Name was Tenot Dan∣din, a lusty young sturdy frisking Royster, so help me God, who likewise (in imita∣tion

of his Peace-making Father, would have undertaken and medled with the taking up of Variances, and deciding of Controversies betwixt disagreeing and contentious Parties, Pleaders as you know.

Saepe solet similis filius esse patri. Et sequitur levitèr filia matris iter.

Ut ait gloss. vi, quaest. I. C. siquis g. de cons. disc. v. C. 2. fin. & est. int. per dict. cod. de im∣pu. & aliis substit. L. vir. & L. Legitimae. F. de stat. hom. gloss. in L. quod si nolit. de adi L. quisquis C. ad leg. Iure Majest. excipio filius à moniali susceptos ex Monacho per gloss. in C. impudicas 27 quaestione. And such was his Confidence to have no worse Success than his Father, he assumed unto himself the Title of Law-strife-setler. He was like∣ways in these pacificatory Negotiations so active and vigilant; for Vigilantibus Iu∣ra subveniunt ex L. pupillus F. quae in fraud. cred. & ibi. L. non enim & instit. m. proaem. That when he had smelt, heard, and ful∣ly understood; ut F. si quando paufec. L. Agaso q. in verbo offecit, id est nasum ad cu∣lum posuit. That there was any where in the Country a debatable matter at Law, he would incontinently thrust in his Ad∣vice, and so forwardly intrude his Opini∣on in the business, that he made no Bones

of making offer, and taking upon him to decide it, how difficult soever it might happen to be, to the full Contentment and Satisfaction of both Parties: It is written, Qui non laborat non manducat. And the said Gl. F. de damn. infect. L. si quam∣vis: And Currere plus que lae pas vetulam compellit egestas. Gloss. F. de lib. agnosco. L. si quis pro quo facit. L. si plures C. de Codd in∣cert. But so huge great was his Misfor∣tune in this his Undertaking, that he ne∣ver composed any difference, how little soever you may imagine it might have been, but that instead of reconciling the Parties at odds, he did incense, irritate and exasperate them to a higher point of Dissention and Enmity than ever they were at before. Your Worships know I doubt not that,

Sermo datur cunctis animi sapientia paucis.

Gl. F. de alien in mun. caus. fa. lib. 2. This ad∣ministred unto the Tavern-keepers, Wine-drawers and Vintners of Smerva an occasion to say, that under him they had not in the space of a whole year so much Reconciliation-Wine (for so were they pleased to call the good Wine of Leguge) as under his Father they had done in one half hours time. It hapned a little while thereafter, that

he made a most heavy regret thereof to his Father, attributing the Causes of his bad Success in pacificatory Enterprizes to the Perversity, Stubbornness, froward, cross and backward Inclinations of the People of his time, roundly, boldly and irreverently upbraiding, that if but a score of Years before the World had been so wayward, obstinate, pervicacious, impla∣cable, and out of all Square, Frame and Order as it was then, his Father had ne∣ver attained to, and acquired the Honour and Title of Strife-appeaser, so irrefraga∣bly, inviolably and irrevocably as he hath done; in doing whereof Tenot did hei∣nously transgress against the Law which prohibiteth Children to reproach the Acti∣ons of their Parents. Per gl. & Barth. L. 3. par agr. si quis F. de cond. ob caus. & au∣thent. de Nupt. par sed quod sancitum Col. 3. ment. To this the honest old Father an∣swered thus: My Son Dandin, when Don oportet taketh place, this is the course which we must trace, Gl. C. de Appel. L. eos etiam: For the Road that you went upon was not the way to the Fullers Mill, nor in any part thereof was the Form to be found wherein the Hare did sit. Thou hast not the skill and dexterity of setling and com∣posing Differences. Why? Because thou takest them at the beginning, in the

very Infancy and Bud as it were, when they are green, raw, and indigestible; yet I know handsomly and seatly how to compose and settle them all. Why? Be∣cause I take them at their Decadence, in their Weaning, and when they are pretty well digested. So saith Gl. dulcior est fru∣ctus post multa pericula ductus. L. non morittu∣rus C. de contrahend. & comit. stip. Didst thou ever hear the vulgar Proverb, Hap∣py is the Physician whose coming is desired at the declension of a Disease? For the Sickness being come to a Crisis, is then upon the decreasing hand, and drawing towards an end, although the Physician should not repair thither for the Cure thereof; whereby though Nature wholly do the Work, he bears away the Palm and Praise thereof. My Pleaders after the same man∣ner, before I did interpose my Judgment in the reconciling of them, were waxing faint in their Contestations, their Alterca∣tion Heat was much abated, and in decli∣ning from their former Strife, they of themselves inclined to a firm Accommo∣dation of their Differences; because there wanted Fuel to that Fire of burning, Rancour and despightful Wrangling, whereof the lower sort of Lawyers were the Kindlers: That is to say, their Pur∣ses were emptied of Coin, they had not

a Win in their Fab, nor Penny in their Bag, wherewith to sollicit and present their Actions.

Deficiente pecu deficit omne, nia.

There wanted then nothing but some Brother to supply the place of a Paru∣nymph, Braul broker, Proxenete or Me∣diator, who acting his part dextrously, should be the first Broacher of the Moti∣on of an Agreement, for saving both the one and the other Party from that hurt∣ful and pernicious Shame, whereof he could not have avoided the Imputation, when it should have been said, that he was the first who yielded and spoke of a Re∣concilement; and that therefore his Cause not being good, and being sensible where his Shoe did pinch him, was willing to break the Ice, and make the greater haste to prepare the way for a Condescend∣ment to an amicable and friendly Treaty. Then was it that I came in pudding time, (Dandin my Son) nor is the fat of Bacon more relishing to boiled Pease, than was my Verdict then agreeable to them: This was my Luck, my Profit and good For∣tune. I tell thee, my Jolly Son Dandin, that by this Rule and Method I could set∣tle a firm Peace, or at least clap up a Ces∣sation

of Arms and Truce for many years to come betwixt the Great King and the Ve∣netian State; the Emperor and the Cantons of Swisserland; the English and the Scots; and betwixt the Pope and the Ferrarians. Shall I go yet further: Yea, as I would have God to help me, betwixt the Turk and the So∣phy, the Tartars and the Muscoviters. Re∣mark well what I am to say unto thee, I would take them at that very instant nick of time, when both those of the one and the other side should be weary and tired of making War, when they had voided and emptied their own Cashes and Coffers of all Treasure and Coin, drained and exhausted the Purses and Bags of their Subjects, sold and morgaged their Domains and proper Inheritances, and totally wast∣ed, spent and consumed the Munition, Furniture, Provision and Victuals that were necessary for the continuance of a Military Expedition. There I am sure, by God, or by his Mother, that would they, would they, in spight of all their Teeths, they should be forced to take a little Respit and Breathing time, to mo∣derate the Fury and cruel Rage of their ambitious Aims. This is the Doctrine in Gl. 37. d. c. si quando.

Odero, si potero, si non invitus amabo.

CHAP. XLII. How Suits at Law are bred at first, and how they come afterwards to their perfect growth.

FOR this Cause (quoth Bridlegoose) go∣ing on in his Discourse, I temporise and apply my self to the Times, as your other Worships use to do, waiting patient∣ly for the Maturity of the Process, full Growth and Perfection thereof in all its Members; to wit, the Writings and the Bags. Arg. in L. fin. Major. C. commodus, & de cons. de 1. c. solemnitates, & ibi gl. A Suit in Law at its Production, Birth and first beginning, seemeth to me as unto your other Worships, shapeless, without Form or Fashion, incompleat, ugly and im∣perfect, even as a Bare, at his first coming into the World, hath neither Hands, Skin, Hair nor Head, but is meerly an inform, rude and ill-favoured peice and lump of Flesh; and would remain still so, if his Dam out of the abundance of her Af••e∣ction to her hopeful Cub, did not with

much liking put his Members into that Figure and shape which Nature had pro∣vided for those of an Arctick and Ursinal kind. Ut Not. Doct. F. ad L. aliquia 2. in si. Just so when I see, as your other Worships do, Processes and Suits in Law at their first bringing forth, to be num∣berless, without shape, deformed and dis∣figured; for that then they consist only of one or two Writings, or Copies of In∣struments, through which Defect they appear unto me as to your other Wor∣ships, foul, loathsom, filthy and mis-sha∣pen Beasts. But when there are Heaps of these Legiformal Papers packed, piled, laid up together, impoaked, insacheled, and put up in Bags, then is it that with a good reason we may term that Suit, to which, as pieces, parcels, parts, porti∣ons and members thereof, they do per∣tain and belong, well-formed and fashion∣ed, big limmed, strong set, and in all and each of its Dimensions most compleatly membred: Because forma dat. esse. rei L. si is qui F. ad leg. falcid. in C. cum delicta extra de rescript. Barbaria consil. Lib. 2. And be∣fore him, Balsus in C. ult. extra decons. & L. Iulianus exhib. & F. ad L. quaesitum F. de leg▪ 3. The manner is such as is set down in gl. p. quaest. 1 C. Paulus.

Debile principiam melior fortuna sequetur.

Like your other Worships, also the Sergeants, Catchpoles, Pursevants, Mes∣sengers, Summoners, Apparitors, Ushers, Door-keepers, Pettifoggers, Attorneys, Proctors, Commissioners, Justices of the Peace, Judge Delegates, Arbitrators, O∣verseers, Sequestrators, Advocates, Inquisi∣tors, Jurors, Searchers, Examiners, Notaries, Tabellions, Scribes, Scriveners, Clerks, Preg∣natories, Secondaries, and Expedanean Judges, de quibus tit. est L. 3. C. by sucking very much, and that exceeding forcibly, and licking at the Purses of the pleading Parties, they, to the Suits already begot and engendred, form, fashion and frame Head, Feet, Claws, Talons, Beaks, Bills, Teeth, Hands, Veins, Sinews, Arteries, Muscles, Humours, and so forth, through all the Simulary and Dissimilary Parts of the whole; which Parts, Particles, Pen∣dicles and Appurtenances, are the Law. poaks and Bags, Gl. de Cons. d. 3. C. acce∣pisti qualis vestis erit, talia cornua gerit. Hic notandum est. That in this respect the Pleaders, Litigants and Law-Suiters are happier than the Officers, Ministers and Administrators of Justice: For beatus est dare quam accipere. F. Com. L. 3. extra de

celcb▪ Miss. cum Matthae & 24. Quaest. 1. Cap. Od. Gl.

Affectum dantis pensat censura tonantis.

Thus becometh the Action or Process, by their care and industry, to be of a com∣pleat and goodly bulk, well shaped, fra∣med, formed, and fashioned according to the Canonical Gloss.

Accipe, sume, cape, sunt verba placentia Papae.

Which Speech hath been more clearly explained by Alb. de Res. in verbo Roma.

Roma manus rodit, quas rodere non valet, odit. Dantes custodit, non dantes spernit, & odit.

The Reason whereof is thought to be this:

Ad praesens ova, cras pullis sunt meliora.

Ut est Gl. in L. quum H.F. de Transact. Nor is this all, for the inconvenience of the contrary is set down in H. C. de Allu. L. F.

Quum labor in damno est, crescit mortalis egestas.

In confirmation whereof we find, that the true Etymology and Exposition of the word Process is Purchase, viz. of good store of Money to the Lawyers, and of many Poaks, id est, Prou-Sacks, to the Pleaders, upon which Subject we have most Coele∣stial Quips, Gybes, and Girds.

Litigando jura crescunt, litigando jus ac∣quiritur.

Item Gl. in Cap. illud extrem. de praesumpt. & C. de prob. L. instram. L. non Epistolis L. non nudis.

Et si non prosunt singula, multa juvant.

Yea, but (asked Trinquamelle) how do you proceed, (my Friend) in Criminal Causes, the culpable and guilty Party being taken and seized upon, Flagrante Crimine? Even as your other Worships use to do (answer∣ed Bridlegoose): First, I permit the Plain∣tiff to depart from the Court, enjoyning him not to presume to return thither, till he preallably, should have taken a good sound and profound Sleep, which is to

serve for the prime Entry and Introduction to the Legal carrying on of the Business. In the next place, a formal Report is to be made to me of his having slept. Third∣ly, I issue forth a Warrant to convent him before me. Fourthly, He is to produce a sufficient and authentick Attestation, of his having thoroughly and entirely sleeped, conform to the Gloss. 22. Quest. 7. Si quis cum.

Quandoque bonus dormitat Homerus.

Being thus far advanced in the Forma∣lity of the Process, I find that this Con∣sopiating Act engendreth another Act, whence ariseth the articulating of a Mem∣ber; that again produceth a Third Act, fashionative of another Member; which Third bringing forth a Fourth, Procrea∣tive of another Act: New Members in a no fewer Number are shapen and framed, one still breeding, and begetting another (as Link after Link, the Coat of Mail at length is made) till thus, Piece after Piece, by little and little, like Information upon Information, the Process be compleatly well formed, and perfect in all his Mem∣bers. Finally, having proceeded this length, I have recourse to my Dice, nor is it to be thought, that this interruption, re∣spit,

or interpellation, is by me occasioned without very good reason inducing me thereunto, and a notable Experience of a most convincing and irrefragable force.

I remember, on a time, that in the Camp at Stockholm, there was a certain Gascon named Gratianauld, Native of the Town of Saint Sever, who having lost all his Money at Play, and consecutively be∣ing very angry thereat, as you know, Pe∣cunia est alius sanguis ut ait Anto. de Burtio, MC. accedens 2. extra ut lit. non contest & Bald. in L. si tuis C. de op. Lib. per not. & L. advocati. C. de advo. diu. Iud. pecunia est vita hominis & optimus fide jusser in necessita∣tibus: Did, at his coming forth of the Gaming-House, in the presence of the whole Company that was there, with a very loud Voice, speak in his own Lan∣guage these following words: Pap. cap. de bious nillots que maux depipes rous tresire: aresque de pergudes sont les mires bingt, & quovatre bagnelles, ta pla donne rien pies cruz & Patacts, Scy de Gum de bons aulx, qui boille trequar ambe Iou à Belsambiz. Find∣ing that none would make him any An∣swer, he passed from thence to that part of the Leaguer, where the huff, snuff, honder-sponder, swash-buckling High Ger∣mans were, to whom he renewed these very Terms, provoking them to fight with

him; but all the Return he had from them to his stout Challenge, was only, Der Gasconner that schich, usz. mitt. cim. iedem zeselage aberer ist genegrer au staclen darum liebem fram ve hend serg au inverm hausraut. Finding also, that none of that Band of Teutonick Soldiers offered himself to the Combat; he passed to that Quarter of the Leaguer where the French Free-booting Adventures were encamped, and reitera∣ting unto them, what he had before re∣peated to the Dutch Warriours, challen∣ged them likewise to fight with him, and therewithal made some pretty little Gasco∣nado frisking Gambols, to oblige them the more cheerfully and gallantly to cope with him in the Lists of a Duellizing Engage∣ment; but no Answer at all was made un∣to him. Whereupon the Gascon despair∣ing of meeting with any Antagonists, de∣parted from thence, and laying himself down, not far from the Pavilions of the grand Christian Cavalier, Crissie fell fast asleep. When he had throughly sleeped an hour or two, another adventurous and all-hazarding Blade of the Forlorn Hope of the lavishingly wasting Gamesters, ha∣ving also lost all his Moneys, sallied forth with a Sword in his Hand, of a firm Reso∣lution to fight with the aforesaid Gascon, seeing he had lost as well as he.

Ploratur lachrym••s amissa pecunia veris.

Saith the Gl. de poenitent. distinct. 2. C. sunt plures. To this effect having made en∣quiry and search for him throughout the whole Camp, and in sequel thereof found him asleep, he said unto him, Up, ho, good Fellow, in Name of all the Devils of Hell rise up, rise up, get up; I have lost my Money as well as thou hast done, let us therefore go fight lustily together, grap∣ple and scuffle it to some purpose: Thou may'st see that; and look, my Tuck is no longer then thy Rapier. The Gascon altogether astonished at his unexpected provocation, without altering his former Dialect, spoke thus: Cap de Saint Arnault, qu'au segs tu qui me rebeillez? Que mande taberne te gire: Ho Saint Siobe Cab. de Ga∣scoigne tapla do my Iou, quand à quest ta quam me bringu estae. The ventrous Royster in∣viteth him again to the Duel; but the Gascon, without condescending to his de∣sire, said only this: Hepauvres Iet' esqui∣nerie ares que son plat reposat: vene impaur que te pansat comme Iou peusse truquete. Thus in forgetting his loss, he forgot the eager∣ness which he had to fight. In conclusi∣on, after that the other had likeways sleeped a little, they instead of fighting,

and possibly killing one another, went joyntly to a Sutler's Tent, where they drank together very amicably, each upon the pawn of his Sword. Thus by a little Sleep was pacified the ardent fury of two warlike Champions. There, Gossip, comes the Golden Word of Ihon Andr. in Cap. ult. de Sent. & rejudic. L. Sexto.

Sedendo, & dormiendo fit anima prudens.

CHAP. XLIII. How Pantagruel excuseth Bridlegoose, in the matter of Sentencing Actions at Law, by the Chance of the Dice.

WIth this Bridlegoose held his peace. Whereupon Trinquamelle bid them withdraw from the Court; which accord∣ingly was done: and then directed his Di∣scourse to Pantagruel, after this manner. It is fitting (most illustrious Prince) not only by reason of the deep Obligations, wherein this present Parliament, together with the whole Marquisate of Merlingues,

stand bound to your Royal Highness, for the innumerable Benefits, which as effects of meer Grace, they have received from your Incomperable Bounty; but for that excellent Wit also, prime Judgment, and admirable Learning wherewith Almighty God, the Giver of all Good Things, hath most richly qualified and endowed you, we tender and present unto you the Deci∣sion of this new, strange, and Paradoxical Case of Bridlegoose; who in your presence, to your both hearing and seeing, hath plainly confessed his final judging and de∣terminating of Suits of Law, by the meer Chance and Fortune of the Dice: there∣fore do we beseech you, that you may be pleased to give Sentence therein, as unto you shall seem most just and equitable. To this Pantagruel answered: Gentlemen, It is not unknown to you, how my Con∣dition is somewhat remote from the Pro∣fession of deciding Law-Controversies; yet seeing you are pleased to do me the Honour to put that Task upon me, instead of undergoing the Office of a Iudge, I will become your humble Supplicant: I ob∣serve, Gentlemen, in this Bridlegoose, several things, which induce me to represent be∣fore you, that it is my Opinion he should be pardoned. In the First place, his Old Age. Secondly, His Simplicity: To both

which Qualities our Statute and Common Laws, Civil and Municipal together, al∣low many excuses for any slips or escapes, which through the invincible Imperfecti∣on of either, have been inconsiderately stumbled upon by a Person so qualified. Thirdly, Gentlemen, I must needs display before you another Case, which in Equity and Justice maketh much for the advan∣tage of Bridlegoose: to wit, that this one, sole, and single fault of his, ought to be quite forgotten, abolished, and swallowed up, by that immense and vast Ocean of Just Dooms and Sentences, which hereto∣fore he hath given and pronounced: his Demeanours for these Forty Years and up∣wards, that he hath been a Judge, having been so evenly ballanced in the Scales of Uprightness, that Envy itself, till now, could not have been so impudent as to ac∣cuse and twit him with any Act worthy of a Check or Reprehension: As if a Drop of the Sea were thrown into the Loire, none could perceive, or say, that by this single Drop, the whole River should be salt and brackish.

Truly, it seemeth unto me, that in the whole Series of Bridlegoose's Juridical De∣crees, there hath been, I know not what, of extraordinary savouring of the unspeaka∣ble Benignity of God, that all those his pre∣ceding

Sentences, Awards, and Judge∣ments, have been confirmed and appro∣ved of by your selves, in this your own Venerable and Sovereign Court: for it is usual (as you know well) with him whose ways are inscrutable, to manifest his own ineffable Glory, in blunting the perspicacy of the Eyes of the Wise, in weakning the Strength of potent Oppressors, in depres∣sing the Pride of rich Extortioners, and in erecting, comforting, protecting, sup∣porting, upholding, and shoaring up the poor, feeble, humble, silly, and foolish Ones of the Earth. But waving all these matters, I shall only beseech you, not by the Obligations which you pretend to owe to my Family, for which I thank you; but for that constant and unfeigned Love and Affection which you have always found in me, both on this and on the other side of Loire, for the Maintenance and Esta∣blishment of your Places, Offices, and Dignities, that for this one time, you would pardon and forgive him, upon these two Conditions: First, That he sa∣tisfie, or put a sufficient Surety for the Sa∣tisfaction of the Party wronged by the In∣justice of the Sentence in question: for the fulfilment of this Article, I will pro∣vide sufficiently. And Secondly, That for his subsidiary Aid in the weighty Charge

of Administrating Justice, you would be pleased to appoint, and assign unto him some pretty, little, vertuous Counseller, younger, learneder, and wiser then he, by the Square and Rule of whose Advice he may regulate, guide, temper and mode∣rate in times coming all his Judiciary Pro∣cedures, or otherways, if you intend to∣tally to depose him from his Office, and to deprive him altogether of the State and Dignity of a Judge, I shall cordially intreat you to make a Present and free Gift of him to me, who shall find in my Kingdoms Charges and Employments e∣nough wherewith to imbusie him, for the bettering of his own Fortunes, and fur∣therance of my Service. In the mean time, I implore the Creator, Saviour and Sanctifyer of all good things, in their Grace, Mercy and Kindness to preserve you all now and evermore, World with∣out end.

These Words thus spoken, Pantagruel vayling his Cap, and making a Leg with such a Majestick Garb as became a Person of his paramount Degree and Eminency, farewell'd Trinquamelle the President, and Master Speaker of that Merlinguesian Par∣liament, took his leave of the whole Court, and went out of the Chamber; at the Door whereof finding Panurge, Epistemon,

Friar Ihon, and others, he forthwith at∣tended by them, walked to the utter Gate, where all them immediately took Horse to return towards Gargantua. Pan∣tagruel by the way related to them from point to point, the manner of Bridlegoose's sententiating Differences at Law. Friar Ihon said, that he had seen Peter Dandin, and was acquainted with him at that time when he sojourned in the Monastery of Fontaine le Conte, under the Noble Abbot Ardillon. Gymnast likeways affirmed, that he was in the Tent of the Grand Chri∣stian Cavallier de Cressie, when the Gascon, after his Sleep, made answer to the Ad∣venturer. Panurge was somewhat incre∣dulous in the matter of believing, that it was morally possible. Bridlegoose should have been for such a long space of time so continually fortunate in that Aleatory way of deciding Law Debates. Epistemon said to Pantagruel, Such another Story, not much unlike to that, in all the Circum∣stances thereof, is vulgarly reported of the Provost of Montlehery. In good sooth, such a Perpetuity of good Luck is to be wondred at. To have hit right twice or thrice in a Judgment so given by Hap-ha∣zard▪ might have fallen out well enough, e∣specially in Controversies that were am∣biguous, intricate, abstruse, perplexed and obscure.

CHAP. XLIV. How Pantagruel relateth a strange Hi∣story of the Perplexity of Humane Iudgment.

SEeing you talk (quoth Pantagruel) of dark, difficult, hard and knotty De∣bates, I will tell you of one controverted before Cneius Dolobella, Proconsul in Asia. The Case was this.

A Wife in Smyrna had of her first Hus∣band a Child named Abece; he dying, she after the expiring of a Year and Day, married again, and to her Second Hus∣band bore a Boy called Edege: A pretty long time thereafter it happened (as you know the Affection of Step-fathers and Step-dams is very rare, towards the Chil∣dren of the first Fathers and Mothers de∣ceased) that this Husband, with the help of his Son Edege, secretly, wittingly, wil∣lingly and treacherously murthered Abece. The Woman came no sooner to get Infor∣mation of the Fact, that it might not go unpunished, she caused kill them both,

to revenge the Death of her first Son. She was Apprehended and carried before Cneius Dolobella, in whose Presence, she, without dissembling any thing, confessed all that was laid to her Charge; yet alledged that she had both Right and Reason on her side for the killing of them. Thus was the state of the Question. He found the business so dubious and intricate, that he knew not what to determin therein, nor which of the Parties to incline to. On the one hand, it was an execrable Crime to cut off at once both her Second Hus∣band and her Son. On the other hand, the Cause of the Murther seemed to be so natural, as to be grounded upon the Law of Nations, and the rational Instinct of all the People of the World; seeing they two together had feloniously and mur∣therously destroyed her first Son. Not that they had been in any manner of way▪ wronged, outraged or injured by him, but out of an avaricious Intent to possess his Inheritance. In this doubtful Quan∣dary and Uncertainty what to pitch up∣on, he sent to the Areopagites then sitting at Athens, to learn and obtain their Ad∣vice and Judgment. That Judicious Se∣nate very sagely perpending the Reasons of his Perplexity, sent him word, to sum∣mon her personally to compear before

him, a precise Hundred Years thereafter▪ to answer to some Interrogatories touch∣ing certain Points, which were not con∣tained in the Verbal Defence: Which Resolution of theirs did import, that it was in their Opinion a so difficult and inextricable a matter, that they knew not what to say or judge therein. Who had decided that Plea by the Chance and For∣tune of the Dice, could not have erred nor awarded amiss on which side soever he had past his casting and condemnatory Sen∣tence: If against the Woman, she deser∣ved Punishment for usurping Sovereign Authority, by taking that Vengeance at her own hand, the inflicting whereof was only competent to the Supream Power, to administer Justice in Criminal Cases: If for her, the just Resentment of a so atrocious Injury done unto her, in mur∣thering her innocent Son, did fully excuse and vindicate her of any Trespass or Of∣fence about that particular committed by her. But this continuation of Bridlegoose for so many years, still hitting the Nail on the Head, never missing the Mark, and al∣ways judging aright, by the meer throwing of the Dice, and the Chance thereof, is that which most astonisheth and amazeth me. To answer (quoth Epistemon) categorically to that which you wonder at, I must ingeni∣ously confess and avow that I cannot; yet

conjecturally to guess at the reason of it, I would refer the Cause of that marvelously long continued happy Success in the Ju∣diciary Results of his Definitive Sentences to the favourable Aspect of the Heavens, and Benignity of the Intelligences; who, out of their love to Goodness, after ha∣ving contemplated the pure Simplicity and sincere Unfeignedness of Judge Bri∣dlegoose in the acknowledgment of his In∣abilities, did regulate that for him by Chance, which by the profoundest Act of his maturest Deliberation he was not able to reach unto. That likeways which possibly made him to diffide in his own Skill and Capacity, notwithstanding his being an expert and understanding Law∣yer, for any thing that I know to the con∣trary, was the Knowledge and Experi∣ence which he had of the Antenomies, Contrarieties, Antilogies, Contradictions, Traversings and Thwartings of Laws, Customs, Edicts, Statutes, Orders and Or∣dinances, in which dangerous Oppositi∣on, Equity and Justice being structured and founded on either of the opposite Terms, and a Gap being thereby opened for the ushering in of Injustice and Ini∣quity, through the various Interpretations of Self ended Lawyers, being assuredly perswaded that the Infernal Calumniator,

who frequently transformeth himself into the likeness of a Messenger or Angel of Light, maketh use of these cross Glosses and Expositions in the Mouths and Pens of his Ministers and Servants, the perverse Advocates, bribing Judges, Law-monging Attorneys, prevaricating Counsellors, and other such like Law-wrestling Members of a Court of Justice, to turn by those means Black to White, Green to Grey, and what is Streight to a Crooked ply; for the more expedient doing whereof these Diabolical Ministers make both the Pleading Parties believe that their Cause is just and righte∣ous; for it is well known that there is no Cause how bad soever, which doth not find an Advocate to patrocinate and de∣fend it, else would there be no Process in the World, no Suits at Law, nor Plead∣ings at the Bar. He did in these Extre∣mities, as I conceive, most humbly re∣commend the Direction of his Judicial Proceedings to the upright Judge of Judg∣es, God Almighty; did submit himself to the Conduct and Guideship of the blessed Spirit, in the Hazard and Perplexity of the Definitive Sentence; and by this Alea∣tory Lot, did as it were implore and ex∣plore the Divine Decree of his Good Will and Pleasure, in stead of that which we call the Final Iudgment of a Court. To

this effect, to the better attaining to his purpose, which was to judge righteously, he did in my Opinion throw and turn the Dice, to the end, that by the Provi∣dence aforesaid, the best Chance might fall to him whose Action was uprightest, and backed with greatest Reason; in doing whereof he did not stray from the Sence of Talmudists, who say that there is so little harm in that manner of searching the Truth, that in the Anxiety and Per∣plexedness of Humane Wits, God often∣times manifesteth the Secret Pleasure of his Divine Will.

Furthermore, I will neither think nor say, nor can I believe, that the unstreight∣ness is so irregular, or the Corruption so evident, of those of the Parliament of Mirlingois in Mirlingues, before whom Bri∣dlegoose was Arraigned for Prevarication, that they will maintain it to be a worse Practice to have the Decision of a Suit at Law referred to the Chance and Hazard of a Throw of the Dice, hab nab, or luck as it will, than to have it remitted to, and past by the Determination of those whose Hands are full of Blood, and Hearts of wry Affections. Besides that, their principal Direction in all Law-matters comes to their Hands from one Tribonian, a wicked, miscreant, barbarous, faithless

and perfidious Knave, so pernicious, in∣just, avaricious and perverse in his ways, that it was his ordinary custom to sell Laws, Edicts, Declarations, Constituti∣ons and Ordinances, as at an Outroop or Putsale, to him who offered most for them. Thus did he shape Measures for the Pleaders, and cut their Morsels to them by and out of these little Parcels, Fragments, Bits, Scantlings and Shreds of the Law now in use, altogether conceal∣ing, suppressing, disannulling and abo∣lishing the remainder, which did make for the total Law; fearing that if the whole Law were made manifest and laid open to the knowledge of such as are in∣teressed in it, and the Learned Books of the Ancient Doctors of the Law, upon the Exposition of the Twelve Tables and Prae∣torian Edicts, his villanous Pranks, Naugh∣tiness and vile Impiety should come to the publick notice of the World. Therefore were it better in my Conceit, that is to say, less inconvenient, that Parties at Va∣riance in any Juridicial Case, should in the dark march upon Caltropes, then to sub∣mit the Determination of what is their Right to such unhallowed Sentences and horrible Decrees: As Cato in his time wished and advised, that every Judiciary Court should be paved with Caltropes.

CHAP. XLV. How Panurge taketh Advice of Tri∣boulet.

ON the sixth Day thereafter Pantagruel was returned home, at the very same hour that Triboulet was by Water come from Blois. Panurge at his Arrival gave him a Hogs Bladder, puffed up with Wind, and resounding, because of the hard Pease that were within it: More∣over he did present him with a guilt Wooden Sword, a hollow Budget made of a Tortoise shell, an Osier Watled Wick∣er-Bottle full of Briton Wine, and Five and Twenty Apples of the Orchard of Blanduc••.

If he be such a Fool (quoth Carpalin) as to be won with Apples, there is no more Wit in his Pate than in the Head of an ordinary Cabbage. Triboulet girded the Sword and Scrip to his••side, took the Bladder in his Hand, ate some few of the Apples, and drunk up all the Wine Pa∣nurge very wistly and heedfully looking upon him, said, I never yet saw a Fool,

(and I have seen ten thousand Franks worth of that kind of Cattle) who did not love to drink heartily, and by good long Draughts. When Triboulet had done with his Drinking, Panurge laid out be∣fore him, and exposed the Sum of the bu∣siness, wherein he was to require his Ad∣vice in eloquent and choicely-sorted Terms, adorned with Flourishes of Rhe∣torick. But before he had altogether done, Triboulet with his Fist gave him a bouncing Whirret between the Shoulders, rendred back into his Hand again the em∣pty Bottle, filipped and flirted him on the Nose with the Hogs Bladder; and lastly, for a final resolution, shaking and wag∣ging his Head strongly and disorderly, he answered nothing else but this, By God, God; mad Fool, beware the Monk: Buzan∣say, Hornepipe. These Words thus finished, he slipped himself out of the Company, went aside, and ratling the Bladder, took a huge Delight in the Melody of the rickling, crackling noise of the Pease; after which time it lay not in the power of them all to draw out of his Chaps the Articulate Sound of one Syllable; inso∣much that when Panurge went about to interrogate him further, Triboulet drew his Wooden Sword, and would have stuck him therewith. I have fished fair now,

(quoth Panurge) and brought my Pigs to a fine Market. Have I not got a brave Determination of all my Doubts, and a Responce in all things agreeable to the Oracle that gave it? He is a great Fool that is not to be denied; yet is he a great∣er Fool who brought him hither to me. That Bolt, quoth Carpalin, levels point blank at me; but of the three I am the greatest Fool, who did impart the Secret of my Thoughts to such an Idiot Ass and Native Ninny.

Without putting our selves to any stir or trouble in the least, (quoth Pantagruel) let us maturely and seriously consider and perpend the Gestures and Speech which he hath made and uttered: In them veri∣tably (quoth he) have I remarked and observed some excellent and notable My∣steries; yea, of such important and worth and weight, that I shall never henceforth be astonished, nor think strange, why the Turks with a great deal of Worship and Reverence, Honour and Respect Natural Fools, equally with their Primest Doctors, Mufties, Divines and Prophets. Did not you take heed (quoth he) a little before he opened his Mouth to speak, what a shog∣ging▪ shaking and wagging his Head did keep? By the approved Doctrine of the ancient Philosophers, the customary Ce∣remonies

of the most expert Magici∣ans, and the received Opinions of the learnedest Lawyers, such a brangling A∣gitation and Moving should by us all be judged to proceed from, and be quickned and suscitated by the coming and Inspira∣tion of the Prophetizing and Fatielical Spirit, which entring briskly, and on a sudden, into a shallow Receptacle of a debil Substance (for as you know, and as the Proverb shews it, a little Head containeth not much Brains) was the cause of that Commotion. This is conform to what is avouched by the most skilful Physicians, when they affirm, that Shakings and Trem∣blings fall upon the Members of a Hu∣mane Body, partly because of the Heavi∣ness and violent Impetuosity of the Bur∣then and Load that is carried, and other part, by reason of the Weakness and Imbe∣cillity that is in the vertue of the bearing Organ: A manifest Example whereof ap∣peareth in those, who fasting, are not a∣ble to carry to their Head a great Goblet full of Wine without a trembling and a shaking in the Hand that holds it. This of old was accounted a Prefiguration and mystical pointing out of the Pythian Di∣vineress, who used always before the ut∣tering of a Responce from the Oracle, to shake a Branch of her Domestick Lawrel.

Lampridius also testifieth, that the Empe∣ror Heliogabulus, to acquire unto himself the Reputation of a Sooth-sayer, did, on several Holy Days of prime Solemnity, in the Presence of the Fanatick Rabble, make the Head of his Idol, by some slight within the Body thereof, publickly to shake. Plautus, in his Asserie, declareth likeways, that Saurius, whithersoever he walked like one quite distracted of his Wits, keepeth such a furious lolling and mad-like shaking of his Head, that he commonly affrighted those who casually met with him in his Way. The said Au∣thor in another place shewing a Reason why Charmides shook and brangled his Head, assevered that he was transported, and in an Extasie. Catullus after the same manner maketh mention in his Berecyn∣thia and Atys, of the place wherein the Menades, Bacchical Women, She Priests of the Lyaean God, and demented Prophe∣tesses, carrying Ivy Boughs in their hands, did shake their Heads. As in the like case amongst the Gauls, the guelded Priests of Cybele were wont to do in the celebrating of some Festivals, which according to the sense of the ancient Theologues, have from thence had their Denomination; for 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉 signifieth to turn round, whirl

about, shake the Head, and play the part of one that is wry-necked.

Semblably Titus Livius writeth, that in the Solemnization time of the Bacchana∣lian Fobedayes at Rome, both Men and Women seemed to Prophetize and Va∣ticinate, because of an affected kind of wagging of the Head, shrugging of the Shoulders, and Jectigation of the whole Body, which they used then most pun∣ctually. For the common Voice of the Philosophers, together with the Opinion of the People, asserteth for an irrefraga∣ble Truth, that Vaticination is seldom by the Heavens bestowed on any, without the Concomitancy of a little Phrensie, and a Head shaking, not only when the said presaging Vertue is infused, but when the Person also therewith inspired declareth and manifesteth it unto others. The Learned Lawyer Iulien, being asked on a time, if that Slave might be truly esteem∣ed to be healthful and in a good plight, who had not only convers'd with some fu∣rious, maniack and enraged People, but in their Company had also prophesied, yet without a Noddle-shaking Concussion, answered, That seeing there was no Head-wagging at the time of his Predictions, he might be held for sound and compotent enough. Is it not daily seen how School∣masters,

Teachers, Tutors and Instructors of Children, shake the Heads of their Dis∣ciples, (as one would do a Pot in holding it by the Lugs) that by this Erection, Vellication, stretching and pulling their Ears, (which according to the Doctrine of the sage Egyptians, is a Member consecra∣ted to the Memory) they may stir them up to recollect their scatter'd Thoughts, bring home those Fancies of theirs, which per∣haps have been extravagantly roaming abroad upon strange and uncouth Ob∣jects, and totally range their Judgments, which possibly by disordinate Affections have been made wild, to the Rule and Pat∣tean of a wise, discreet, vertuous and Philosophical Discipline: All which Vir∣gil acknowledgeth to be true, in the bran∣glement of Apollo Cynthius.

CHAP. XLVI. How Pantagruel and Panurge diversly interpret the Words of Triboulet.

HE says you are a Fool; and what kind of Fool? A mad Fool, who in your old Age would enslave your self to the Bondage of Matrimony, and shut your Pleasures up within a Wedlock, whose Key some Ruffian▪ carries in his Codpiece. He says furthermore, beware of the Monk. Upon mine Honour, it gives me in my mind, that you will be cuckold∣ed by a Monk. Nay, I will engage mine Honour, which is the most precious Pawn I could have in my Possession, al∣though I were sole and peaceable Domi∣nator over all Europe, Asia, and Africk, that if you marry, you will surely be one of the Horned Brotherhood of Vulcan. Hereby may you perceive how much I do attribute to the wise Foolery of our Morosoph Triboulet. The other Oracles and Responses did in the general prognosti∣cate you a Cuckold, without descending

so near to the point of a particular De∣termination, as to pitch upon what Vo∣cation, amongst the several sorts of Men, he should profess who is to be the Copes∣mate of your Wife, and Hornifyer of your proper self. Thus noble Triboulet tells it us plainly, from whose Words we may gather with all ease imaginary, that your Cuckoldry is to be infamous, and so much the more scandalous, that your Conjugal Bed will be incestuously conta∣minated with the Filthiness of a Monkery Lecher. Moreover he says, that you will be the Hornepipe of Buzansay. That is to say, well horned, hornified and cornuted: And as Triboulet's Unkle asked from Lewis the Twelfth, for a younger Brother of his own who lived at Blois, the Hornepipes of Buzansay, for the Organ Pipes, through the mistake of one Word for another: Even so, whilst you think to marry a wise, humble, calm, discreet and honest Wife, you shall unhappily stumble upon one witless, proud, lowd, obstreperous, bawling, clamourous, and more unplea∣sant than any Buzansay-hornepipe. Consider withal, how he flirted you on the Nose with the Bladder, and gave you a sound thumping Blow with his Fist upon the ridge of the Back. This denotates and presageth, that you shall be banged, beaten

and filipped by her; and that also she will steal of your Goods from you, as you stole the Hogs Bladder from the little Boys of Vaubreton. Plat contrary (quoth Panurge) not that I would impudently ex∣empt my self from being a Vassal in the Territory of Folly; I hold of that Juris∣diction, and am subject thereto, I confess it; and why should I not? for the whole World is foolish. In the old Lorrain Lan∣guage (fou for oou) All and Fool were the same thing. Besides it is avouched by So∣lomon, that infinite is the number of Fools: From an Infinity nothing can be deducted or abated; nor yet by the Testimony of Aristotle, can any thing thereto be added or subjoyned. Therefore were I a mad Fool, if being a Fool I should not hold my self a Fool. After the same manner of speaking, we may averr the number of the mad and enraged Folks to be infinite. Avicenne maketh no Bones to assert, that the several kinds of Madness are infi∣nite.

Though this much of Triboulet's words tend little to my Advantage, how be it the Prejudice which I sustain thereby be common with me to all other Men, yet the rest of his Talk and Gesture maketh altogether for me. He said to my Wife, Be weary of the Monky; that is as much,

as if he should be chery, and take as much delight in a Monky as ever did the Les∣bia of Catullus in her Sparrow; who will for his Recreation pass his time no less joy∣fully at the exercise of snatching Flies, then heretofore did the merciless Fly∣catcher Domitian. Withal he meant by another part of his Discourse, that she should be of a Jovial Country-like Hu∣mour, as gay and pleasing as a harmoni∣ous Hornepipe of Saulian or Buzansy. The veridical Triboulet did therein hint at what I liked well, as perfectly knowing the In∣clinations and Propensions of my Mind, my natural Disposition, and the Biass of my Interior Passions and Affections: For you may be assured, that my Humour is much better satisfied and contented with the pretty frolick rural discheveled Shep∣heardesses, whose Bums through their course Canvas Smocks smell of the Cla∣ver-grass of the Field, than with those great Ladies in Magnifick Courts, with their Flandan, Top-knots and Sultana's, their Polvil, Postillo's and Cosmeticks. The homely sound likeways of a Rustical Hornepipe, is more agreeable to my Ears, than the curious Warbling and musical Quavering of Lutes, Teorbes, Viols, Re∣becks and Violins. He gave me a lusty rapping thwack on my Back. What then?

Let it pass in the Name and for the Love of God, as an Abatement of, and Dedu∣ction from so much of my future Pains in Purgatory. He did it not out of any evil intent: He thought belike to have hit some of the Pages: He is an honest Fool, and an innocent Changeling. It is a Sin to harbour in the Heart any bad Conceit of him. As for my self, I hear∣tily pardon him. He flirted me on the Nose: In that there is no harm; for it importeth nothing else, but that betwixt my Wife and me there will occur some toyish wanton Tricks, which usually hap∣pen to all new married Folks.

CHAP. XLVII. How Pantagruel and Panurge resolved to make a Visit to the Oracle of the Holy Bottle.

THere is as yet another Point (quoth Panurge) which you have not at all considered on, although it be the chief and principal Head of the matter. He put the Bottle in my hand, and restored it

me again. How interpret you that Pas∣sage? What is the meaning of that? He possibly (quoth Pantagruel) signifieth there∣by, that your Wife will be such a Drun∣kard, as shall daily take in her Liquor kindly, and ply the Pots and Bottles apace. Quite otherways (quoth Panurge) for the Bottle was empty. I swear to you, by the prickling brambly Thorn of St. Fiacre in Brie, that our unique Morosoph, whom I formerly termed the Lunatick Triboulet, re∣ferreth me, for attaining to the final Re∣solution of my Scruple, to the Response-giving Bottle: Therefore do I renew afresh the first Vow which I made, and here in your Presence protest and make Oath by Styx and Acheron, to carry still Spectacles in my Cap, and never to wear a Codpiece in my Breeches, until upon the Enterprize in hand of my Nuptial Undertaking, I shall have obtained an Answer from the Holy Bottle. I am acquainted with a pru∣dent, understanding, and discreet Gentle∣man, and besides a very good Friend of mine, who knoweth the Land, Country, and Place where its Temple and Oracle is built and posited: He will guide and conduct us thither sure and safely. Let us go thither, I beseech you: Deny me not, and say not, Nay; reject not the Suit I make unto you, I intreat you. I

will be to you an Achates, a Damis, and heartily accompany you all along in the whole Voyage, both in your going forth and coming back. I have of a long time known you to be a great Lover of Pe∣regrination, desirous still to learn new things, and still to see what you had ne∣ver seen before.

Very willingly (quoth Pantagruel) I con∣descend to your Request. But before we enter in upon our Progress towards the Accomplishment of so far a Journey, re∣plenished and fraught with eminent Perils, full of innumerable Hazards, and every way stored with evident and manifest Dangers. What Dangers (quoth Panurge) interrupting him? Dangers fly back, run from, and shun me whither soever I go seven Leagues around: As in the Presence of the Soveraign a subordinate Magistra∣cy is eclipsed; or as Clouds and Darkness quite evanish at the bright coming of a Radiant Sun; or as all Sores and Sicknes∣ses did suddenly depart, at the approach of the Body of St. Martin Aquande: Ne∣vertheless (quoth Pantagruel) before we ad∣venture to set forwards on the Road of our projected and intended Voyage, some few Points are to be discussed, expedited and dispatched. First, Let us send back Triboulet to Blois, (which was instantly

done, after that Pantagruel had given him a Frize Coat.) Secondly, Our Design must be backed with the Advice and Counsel of the King my Father. And Lastly, It is most needful and expedient for us, that we search for, and find out some Sybille to serve us for a Guide, Truchman and In∣terpreter. To this Panurge made answer, That his Friend Xenomanes would abun∣dantly suffice for the plenary Discharge and Performance of the Sybil's Office; and that furthermore, in passing through the Lanternatory Revelling Country, they should take along with them a Learned and profitable Lanterne, which would be no less useful to them in their Voyage, than was that of the Sybil to Aeneas in his Descent to the Elysian Fields. Carpalin in the interim, as he was upon the conduct∣ing away of Triboulet, in his passing by, hearkened a little to the Discourse they were upon, then spoke out, saying, Ho, Panurge, Master Freeman, take my Lord Debitis at Calais alongst with you, for he is Goud-fallot, a good Fellow: He will not forget those who have been Debitors: These are Lanternes: Thus shall you not lack for both Fallot and Lanterne. I may safely with the little Skill I have (quoth Pantagruel) prognosticate, that by the way we shall engender no Melancholy;

I clearly perceive it already: The only thing that vexeth me is, that I cannot speak the Lanternatorie Language. I shall (answered Panurge) speak for you all; I understand it every whit as well as I do mine own Maternal Tongue, I have been no less used to it than to the Vulgar French.

Briz mara dalgotbrick nubstzenos Isqufez prus{que} alboriz crinqs zabac Mizbe dilbarlkz morp nipp stanch bac Srombtz, Paurg, walmap quost grufzbac.

Now guess, Friend Epistemon, what this is. They are (quoth Epistemon) Names of errand Devils, paissant Devils, and rampant Devils. These words of thine, dear friend of mine, are true (quoth Pa∣nurge) yet are they Terms used in the Language of the Court of the Lanternish People. By the way as we go upon our Journey I will make to thee a pretty lit∣tle Dictionary, which notwithstanding shall not last you much longer than a Pair of new Shooes; thou shalt have learned it sooner than thou canst perceive the Dawning of the next subsequent Morn∣ing. What I have said in the foregoing Tetrastick is thus translated out of the Lan∣ternish Tongue into our Vulgar Dialect.

All Miseries attended me, whilst I A Lover was, and had no good thereby: Of better Luck the married People tell, Panurge is one of those, and knows it well.

There is little more then (quoth Pan∣tagruel) to be done, but that we under∣stand what the Will of the King my Fa∣ther will be therein, and purchase his Con∣sent.

CHAP. XLVIII. How Gargantua sheweth, that the Chil∣dren ought not to marry without the special Knowledge and Advice of their Fathers and Mothers.

NO sooner had Pantagruel entred in at the Door of the Great Hall of the Castle, than that he encountred full but with the good honest Gargantua coming forth from the Council Board, unto whom he made a succinct and summary Narra∣tive

of what had pass'd and occurred worthy of his Observation in his Travels abroad▪ since their last Interview: Then, acquainting him with the Design he had in hand, besought him that it might stand wi••h his good Will and Pleasure to grant him leave to prosecute and go thorough-stitch with the Enterprize which he had undertaken. The good Man Gargantua having in one hand two great Bundles of Petitions, indorsed and answered; and in the other some remembrancing Notes and Bills, to put him in mind of such other Requests of Supplicants, which al∣beit presented, had nevertheless been nei∣ther read nor heard, he gave both to Ul∣rich Gallet, his ancient and faithful Ma∣ster of Requests; then drew aside Pan∣tagruel, and with a Countenance more se∣rene and jovial than customary, spoke to him thus: I praise God, and have great reason so to do, my most dear Son, that he hath been pleased to entertain in you a constant Inclination to vertuous Actions. I am well content that the Voyage which you have motioned to me be by you ac∣complished, but withal, I could wish you would have a mind and desire to marry, for that I see you are of competent years. Panurge in the mean while was in a rea∣diness of preparing and providing for

Remedies, Salves and Cures against all such Lets, Obstacles and Impediments as he could in the heighth of his Fancy con∣ceive might by Gargantua be cast in the way of their Itinerary Design. Is it your Pleasure (most dear Father) that you speak? (answered Pantagruel) For my part I have not yet thought upon it. In all this Affair I wholly submit and rest in your good liking and Paternal Autho∣rity: For I shall rather pray unto God that he would throw me down stark dead at your Feet, in your Pleasure, then that against your pleasure I should be found married alive. I never yet heard that by any Law, whether Sacred or Profane, yea, amongst the rudest and most barba∣rous Nations in the World, it was allowed and approved of, that Children may be suffered and tolerated to marry at their own good Will and Pleasure, without the Knowledge, Advice or Consent asked and had thereto of their Fathers, Mo∣thers, and nearest Kindred. All Legisla∣tors every where upon the Face of the whole Earth, have taken away and remo∣ved this Licentious Liberty from Chil∣dren, and totally reserved it to the Dis∣cretion of the Parents.

My dearly beloved Son (quoth Gargan∣tua) I believe you, and from my Heart thank God for having endowed you with the Grace of having both a perfect no∣tice of, and entire liking to laudable and praise••worthy things; and that through the Windows of your exterior Senses he hath vouchsafed to transmit unto the in∣teriour Faculties of your Mind, nothing but what is good and vertuous. For in my time there hath been found on the Continent a certain Country, wherein are I know not what kind of Pastophorian Mole-catching Priests, who albeit averse from engaging their proper Persons into a Matrimonial Duty, like the Pontifical Flamens of Cibele in Phrygia, as if they were Capons and not Cocks; full of Las∣civiousness, Salacity and Wantonness, who yet have nevertheless, in the matter of Con∣jugal Affairs, taken upon them to prescribe Laws and Ordinances to married Folks. I cannot goodly determine what I should most abhor, detest, loath and abominate, whether the Tyrannical Presumption of those dreaded Sacerdotal Molecatchers, who not being willing to contain and coop up themselves within the Grates and Treil∣lices of their own mysterious Temples, do deal in, meddle with, obtrude upon, and thrust their Sickles into Harvests of Secu∣lar

Businesses quite contrary, and diame∣trically opposite to the Quality, State and Condition of their Callings, Professions and Vocations; or the superstitious Stu∣pidity and senceless Scrupulousness of mar∣ried Folks, who have yielded Obedience, and submitted their Bodies, Fortunes and Estates to the Discretion and Authority of such odious, perverse, barbarous, and unreasonable Laws. Nor do they see that which is clearer than the Light and Splendour of the Morning Star, how all these Nuptial and Connubial Sanctions, Statutes and Ordinances have been de∣creed, made and instituted, for the sole Benefit, Profit and Advantage of the Fla∣minal Mists, and mysterious Flamens, and nothing at all for the good Utility or E∣molument of the silly hood-winked mar∣ried People; which administreth unto others a sufficient Cause for rendring these Church-men suspicious of Iniquity, and of an unjust and fraudulent manner of dealing, no more to be connived at nor countenanced, after that it be well weigh∣ed in the Scales of Reason, than if with a reciprocal Temerity the Laicks by way of Compensation would impose Laws to be followed and observed by those Mysts and Flamens; how they should behave them∣selves in the making and Performance of

their Rites and Ceremonies, and after what manner they ought to proceed in the offering up, and immolating of their various Oblations, Victims and Sacrifices; seeing that besides the Edecimation and Tith-haling of their Goods, they cut off and take Parings, Shreddings and Clip∣pings of the Gain proceeding from the Labour of their Hands, and Sweat of their Brows, therewith to entertain them∣selves the better. Upon which Conside∣ration in my Opinion; their Injunctions and Commands would not prove so per∣nicious and impertinent as those of the Ecclesiastick Power, unto which they had tendred their blind Obedience.

For as you have very well said, there is no place in the World where legally a Licence is granted to the Children to marry without the Advice and Consent of their Parents and Kindred. Nevertheless by those wicked Laws and Mole-catching Customs, whereat there is a little hinted in what I have already spoken to you, there is no scurvy, mezely, leprous or pocky Ruffian, Pander, Knave, Rogue, Skelm, Robber or Thief, pilloried, whip∣ped and burn-marked in his own Coun∣try for his Crimes and Felonies, who may not violently snatch away and ravish what Maid soever he had a mind to pitch up∣on,

how noble, how fair, how rich, ho∣nest and chaste soever she be, and that out of the House of her own Father, in his own Presence, from the Bosom of her Mother, and in the sight and despight of her Friends and Kindred looking on a so woful Spectacle, provided that the Rascal Villain be so cunning as to associate unto himself some Mystical Flamen, who ac∣cording to the Covenant made betwixt them two, shall be in hope some day to participate of the Prey.

Could the Goths, the Scyths, or Messa∣gets do a worse or more cruel Act to any of the Inhabitants of a Hostile City, when after the loss of many of their most consi∣derable Commanders, the expence of a great deal of Money, and a long Siege, they shall have stormed and taken it by a vio∣olent and impetuous Assault? May not these Fathers and Mothers (think you) be sorrowful and heavy-hearted, when they see an unknown Fellow, a Vagabond Stranger, a barbarous Lowt, a rude Curr, rotten, fleshless, putrified, scraggy, boily, botchy, poor, a forlorn Caitif and mise∣rable Snake, by an open Rapt, snatcht a∣way before their own Eyes their so fair, delicate, neat, well-behavioured, richly provided for, and healthful Daughters, on whose Breeding and Education they had

spared no Cost nor Charges, by bringing them up in an honest Discipline to all the honourable and vertuous Employments becoming one of their Sex, descended of a noble Parentage, hoping by those com∣mendable and industrious means in an opportune and convenient time to be∣stow them on the worthy Sons of their well-deserving Neighbours and ancient Friends, who had nourished, entertained, taught, instructed and schooled their Chil∣dren with the same Care and Sollicitude, to make them Matches fit to attain to the Felicity of a so happy Marriage; that from them might issue an Off-spring and Progeny no less Heirs to the laudable En∣dowments and exquisite Qualifications of their Parents whom they every way re∣semble, than to their Personal and Real Estates, Moveables and Inheritances? How doleful, trist and plangorous would such a Sight and Pageantry prove unto them? You shall not need to think that the Col∣lachrymation of the Romans, and their Confederates, at the Decease of Germani∣cus Drusus, was comparable to this Lamen∣tation of theirs? Neither would I have you to believe, that the Discomfort and Anxiety of the Lacedemonians, when the Greek Helen, by the Perfidiousness of the

Adulterous Trojan Paris was privily stollen away out of their Country, was greater or more pitiful than this ruthful and de∣plorable Collugency of theirs? You may very well imagine that Ceres, at the Ra∣vishment of her Daughter Proserpina, was not more attristed, sad, no•• mournful than they. Trust me, and your own Reason, that the loss of Osyris was not so regreatable to Isis; nor did Venus so de∣plore the Death of Adonis; nor yet did Hercules so bewail the straying of Hylas; nor was the Rapt of Polyxena more throb∣bingly resented and condoled by Pryamus and Hecuba, than this aforesaid Accident would be sympathetically bemoaned, grie∣vous, ruthful and anxious to the wofully desolate and disconsolate Parents.

Notwithstanding all this, the greater part of so vilely abused Parents, are so timerous and afraid of Devils and Hob∣goblins, and so deeply plunged in Super∣stition, that they dare not gainsay nor contradict, much less oppose and resist those unnatural and impious Actions, when the Mole-catcher hath been present at the perpetrating of the Fact, and a Party Contracter and Covenanter in that de∣testable Bargain. What do they do then? They wretchedly stay at their own mise∣rable

Homes, destitute of their well-be∣loved Daughters; the Fathers cursing the days and the hours wherein they were mar∣ried; and the Mothers howling and crying that it was not their fortune to have brought forth Abortive Issues, when they hapned to be delivered of such unfortunate Girls; and in this pitiful plight spend at best the remainder of their Time with Tears and Weeping for those their Children of, and from whom they expected (and with good reason should have obtained and reaped) in these latter days of theirs, Joy and Comfort. Other Parents there have been, so impatient of that Affront and Indigni∣ty put upon them and their Families, that, transported with the Extremity of Passi∣on, in a mad and frantick mood, through the Vehemency of a grievous Fury and raging Sorrow, have drowned, hanged, killed, and otherways put violent hands on themselves. Others again of that Pa∣rental Relation, have upon the reception of the like Injury, been of a more mag∣nanimous and heroick Spirit, who (in imitation, and at the Example of the Children of Iacob, revenging upon the Sichemits the Rapt of their Sister Dina) having found the Rascally Ruffian in the Association of his mystical Mole-catcher closely and in hugger-mugger, conferring,

parlying, and coming with their Daugh∣ters, for the suborning, corrupting, de∣praving, perverting and enticing these in∣nocent, unexperienced Maids unto filthy Lewdnesses, have, without any further Advisement on the matter, cut them in∣stantly into pieces, and thereupon forth∣with thrown out upon the Fields their so dismembred Bodies, to serve for Food unto the Wolves and Ravens. Upon the chivalrous, bold and couragious Atchieve∣ment of a so valiant, stout and man-like Act, the other Mole catching Symmists have been so highly incensed, and have so chaffed, fretted and fumed thereat, that Bills of Complaint and Accusations ha∣ving been in a most odious and detestible manner put in before the competent Judges, the Arm of Secular Authority hath with much Importunity and Impetuosity been by them implored and required, they proudly contending, that the Ser∣vants of God would become contempti∣ble, if exemplary Punishment were not speedily taken upon the Persons of the Perpetrators of such an enormous, horrid, sacrilegious, crying, heinous, and execra∣ble Crime.

Yet neither by Natural Equity, by the Law of Nations, nor by any Imperial Law whatsoever, hath there been found

so much as one Rubrick, Paragraph, Point or Tittle, by the which any kind of Cha∣stisement or Correction hath been adjudg∣ed due to be inflicted upon any for their Delinquency in that kind. Reason op∣poseth, and Nature is repugnant: For there is no vertuous Man in the World, who, both naturally and with good rea∣son, will not be more hugely troubled in Mind, hearing of the News of the Rapt, Disgrace, Ignominy and Dishonour of his▪ Daughter, than of her Death. Now any Man finding in hot Blood, one who with a fore-thought Felony hath mur∣thered his Daughter, may, without tying himself to the Formalities and Circum∣stances of a Legal Proceeding, kill him on a sudden, and out of hand, without incurring any hazard of being attainted and apprehended by the Officers of Ju∣stice for so doing. What wonder is it then? or how little strange should it ap∣pear to any rational Man, if a Lechering Rogue, together with his Mole catching Abetter, be entrapped▪ in the flagrant Act of suborning his Daughter, and stealing her out of his House, (though her self con∣sent thereto) that the Father in such a case of Stain and Infamy by them brought upon his Family, should put them both to a shameful Death, and cast their Car∣casses

upon Dunghils to be devoured and eaten up by Dogs and Swine, or other∣wise fling them a little further off to the direption, tearing and rending asunder of their Joynts and Members by the Wild Beasts of the Field.

Dearly beloved Son, have an especial Care, that after my Decease none of these Laws be received in any of your King∣doms; for whilst I breath, by the Grace and Assistance of God I shall give good Order.

Seeing therefore you have totally re∣ferred unto my Discretion the Disposure of you in Marriage, I am fully of an O∣pinion, that I shall provide sufficiently well for you in that Point. Make ready and prepare your self for Panurge's Voy∣age▪ Take along with you Epistemon, Friar Ihon, and such others as you will choose: Do with my Treasures what un∣to your self shall seem most expedient: None of your Actions, I promise you, can in any manner of way displease me. Take out of my Arcenal Thalasse, what∣soever Equipage, Furniture or Provision you please, together with such Pilots, Mariners and Truchmen, as you have a mind to; and with the first fair and favourable Wind set sail and make out to Sea in the Name of God our Saviour. In

the mean while, during your Absence, I shall not be neglective of providing a Wife for you, nor of those Preparations, which are requisite to be made for the more sumptuous solemnizing of your Nuptials with a most splendid Feast, if ever there was any in the World, since the days of Assuerus.

CHAP. XLIX. How Pantagruel did put himself in a readiness to go to Sea; and of the Herb named Pantagruelion.

WIthin very few days after that Pan∣tagruel had taken his Leave of the good Gargantua, who devoutly prayed for his Sons happy Voyage, he arrived at the Sea-Port, near to Sammalo, accompanied with Panurge, Epistemon, Friar Ihon of the Funnels, Abbot of Theleme, and others of the Royal House, especially with Xenoma∣nes the great Traveller, and Thwarter of dangerous ways, who was come at the bidding and appointment of Panurge, of whose Castle wick of Salmigondin he did

hold some petty Inheritance by the Tenure of a Mesnefee. Pantagruel be∣ing come thither, prepared and made ready for launching a Fleet of Ships, to the number of those which Ajax of Sala∣mine had of old equipped, in Convoy of the Graecian Soldiery against the Trojan State. He likewise picked out for his use so many Mariners, Pilots, Sailors, Inter∣preters, Artificers, Officers and Soldiers, as he thought fitting; and therewithal made Provision of so much Victuals of all sorts, Artillery, Munition of divers kinds, Cloaths, Moneys, and other such Lug∣gage, Stuff, Baggage, Chaffer and Fur∣niture, as he deemed needful for car∣rying on the Design of a so tedious, long and perillous Voyage. Amongst o∣ther things, it was observed, how he cau∣sed some of his Vessels to be fraught and loaded with a great quantity of an Herb of his called Pantagruelion, not only of the green and raw sort of it, but of the con∣fected also, and of that which was nota∣bly well befitted for present use after the fashion of Conserves. The Herb Panta∣gruelion hath a little Root somewhat hard and ruff, roundish, terminating in an ob∣tuse and very blunt Point, and having some of its Veins, Strings or Filaments coloured with some spots of white, never

fixeth it self into the ground above the profoundness almost of a Cubit, or Foot and a half; from the Root thereof pro∣ceedeth the only Stalk, orbicular, cane••like, green without, whitish within, and hollow like the Stem of Smyrgium, Olus Atrum, Beans and Gentian, full of long Threds, streight, easie to be broken, jog∣ged, snipped, nicked and notched a little after the manner of Pillars and Columns, slightly farrowed, chamfered, guttred and channel'd, and full of Fibres, or Hairs like Strings, in which consisteth the chief Value and Dignity of the Herb, especially in that part thereof which is termed Me∣sa, as he would say the M••an; and in that other which hath got the Denomination of Milasea. Its Height is commonly of five or six Foot; yet sometimes it is of such a tall Growth, as doth surpass the length of a Lance, but that is only when it meeteth with a sweet, easie, warm, wet and well-soaked Soil, (as is the ground of the Territory of Olone, and that of Rasea, near to Preneste in Sabinia) and that it want not for Rain enough about the Season of the Fishers Holydays, and the Estival Solstice. There are many Trees whose Height is by it very far exceeded, and you might call it Dendromalache by the Authority of Theophrastus. The Plant

every year perisheth; the Tree, neither in the Trunk, Root, Bark or Boughs, being durable.

From the Stalk of this Pantagruelian Plant there issue forth several large and great Branches, whose Leaves have thrice as much length as breadth, always green, roughish and rugged like the Alcanet, or Spanish Buglose, hardish, slit round about like unto a Sickle, or as the Saxifragum, Betony, and finally ending as it were in the Points of a Macedonian Spear, or of such a Lancet as Surgeons commonly make use of in their Phlebotomizing Til∣tings. The Figure and shape of the Leaves thereof is not much different from that of those of the Ash-tree, or of Egrimony; the Herb it self so being like the Eupato∣rian Plant, that many skilful Herbalists have called it the Domestick Eupator, and the Eupator the wild Pantagruelion. These Leaves are in equal and parallel Distances spread around the Stalk, by the number in every Rank either of Five or Seven, Na∣ture having so highly favoured and che∣rish'd this Plant, that she hath richly a∣dorned it with these two odd, divine and mysterious Numbers. The Smell thereof is somewhat strong, and not very pleasing to nice, tender and delicate Noses: The Seed inclosed therein mounteth up to the

very top of its Stalk, and a little above it.

This is a numerous Herb; for there is no less abundance of it than of any other whatsoever. Some of these Plants are Spherical, some Romboid, and some of an oblong shape, and all of those either black, bright-coloured or tawny, rude to the touch, and mantled with a quickly-blasted-away Coat, yet such a one as is of a delicious Taste and Savour to all shrill and sweetly singing Birds, such as Linnets, Goldfinches, Larks, Canary Birds, Yellow-hammers, and others of that Airy chir∣ping Quire; but it would quite extinguish the Natural Heat and Procreative Vertue of the Semence of any Man, who would eat much, and often of it. And although, that, of old, amongst the Greeks there was certain kinds of Fritters and Pancakes, Buns and Tarts made thereof, which commonly for a lickorish Daintiness were presented the Table after Supper, to de∣light the Palat, and make the Wine relish the better. Yet is it of a difficult Con∣coction, and offensive to the Stomach; for it engendreth bad and unwholsom Blood, and with its exorbitant Heat woun∣deth them with grievous, hurtful, smart and noysom Vapours. And as in divers Plants and Trees there are two Sexes,

Male and Female, which is perceptible in Lawrels, Palms, Cypresses, Oaks, Holmes, the Daffadil, Mandrake, Fearn, the Agarick, Mushrum, Birthwort, Tur∣pentine, Penny-royal, Peony, Rose of the Mount, and many other such like. Even so, in this Herb there is a Male which beareth no Flower at all, yet it is very copious of, and abundant in Seed. There is likeways in it a Female, which hath great store and plenty of whitish Flowers, ser∣viceable to little or no purpose; nor doth it carry in it Seed of any worth at all, at least comparable to that of the Male. It hath also a larger Leaf, and much softer than that of the Male; nor doth it al∣together grow to so great a height. This Pantagruelion is to be sown at the first coming of the Swallows, and is to be plucked out of the Ground when the Grashoppers begin to be a little hoarse.

CHAP. L. How the famous Pantagruelion ought to be prepared and wrought.

THE Herb Pantagruelion in September, under the Autumnal Equinox, is dressed and prepared several ways, accor∣ding to the various Fancies of the People, and Diversity of the Climates wherein it groweth. The first Instruction which Pantagruel gave concerning it, was, to di∣vest and dispoil the Stalk and Stem there∣of of all its Flowers and Seeds, to mace∣rate and mortifie it in Pond, Pool, or Lake-water, which is to be made run a little for five days together, if the Season be dry, and the Water hot; or for full nine or twelve days, if the weather be cloudish, and the Water cold: Then must it be parched before the Sun, till it be drained of its Moisture: After this it is in the Shadow, where the Sun shines not, to be peeled, and its Rind pulled off: Then are the Fibres and Strings thereof to be parted, (wherein, as we have already

said, consisteth its prime Vertue, Price, and Efficacy) and severed from the woody part thereof, which is improfitable, and serveth hardly to any other use, than to make a clear and glistering Blaze, to kin∣dle the Fire, and for the Play, Pastime and Disport of little Children, to blow up Hogs Bladders, and make them rat∣tle. Many times some use is made there∣of by tipling, sweet-lipped Bibbers, who out of it frame Quills and Pipes, through which they with their Liquor-attractive Breath suck up the new dainty Wine from the Bung of the Barrel. Some modern Pantagruelists, to shun and avoid that ma∣nual Labour, which such a separating and partitional Work would of necessity re∣quire, employ certain Catarractick Instru∣ments, oomposed and formed after the same manner that the froward, pettish and angry Iuno did hold the Fingers of both her hands interwovenly clenched together, when she would have hindred the Child∣birth Delivery of Alcmena, at the Nativi∣ty of Hercules; and athwart those Cata∣racts they break and bruise to very Trash the woody parcels, thereby to preserve the better the Fibres, which are the pre∣cious and excellent parts. In, and with this sole Operation do these acquiesce and are contented, who, contrary to the recei∣ved

Opinion of the whole Earth, and in in a manner paradoxical to all Philoso∣phers, gain their Livelihoods backwards, and by recoiling. But those that love to hold it at a higher rate, and prize it ac∣cording to its Value, for their own great∣er Profit, do the very same which is told us of the recreation of the three fatal Si∣ster Parques, or of the nocturnal Exercise of the noble Circe; or yet of the Excuse which Penelope made to her fond wooing Youngsters and effeminate Courtiers, du∣ring the long Absence of her Husband Ulysses.

By these means is this Herb put into a way to display its inestimable Vertues, whereof I will discover a part: (for to relate all is a thing impossible to do) I have already interpreted and exposed be∣fore you the Denomination thereof. I find that Plants have their Names given and bestowed upon them after several ways: Some got the Name of him who first found them out, knew them, sowed them, improved them by Culture, quali∣fied them to a tractability, and appropri∣ated them to the uses and subserviences they were fit for: As the Mercuriale from Mercury, Panacee from Panace the Daugh∣ter of Esculapius, in Armois from Artemis, who is Diana; Eupatorie from the King

Eupator; Telephion from Telephus; Euphor∣bium from Euphorbus, King Iuba's Physici∣an; Clymenos from Clymenus; Alchibiadi∣um from Alcibiades; Gentiane from Gentius King of Sclavonia, and so forth, through a great many other Herbs or Plants. Tru∣ly, in ancient Times, this Prerogative of imposing the Inventors Name upon an Herb found out by him, was held in a so great account and estimation, that as a Controversie arose betwixt Neptune and Pallas, from which of them two that Land should receive its Denomination, which had been equally found out by them both together, though thereafter it was called and had the Apellation of A∣thens, from Athene, which is Minerva: Just so would Lynceus King of Scythia have treacherously slain the young Trip∣tolemus, whom Ceres had sent to shew unto Mankind the Invention of Corn, which until then had been utterly un∣known, to the end, that after the mur∣ther of the Messenger (whose Death he made account to have kept secret) he might, by imposing with the less suspicion of false dealing, his own Name upon the said found out Seed, acquire unto himself an immortal Honour and Glory, for ha∣ving been the Inventor of a Grain so pro∣fitable and necessary to, and for the use of

Humane Life. For the wickedness of which Treasonable Attempt he was by Ceres transformed into that wild Beast, which by some is called a Lynx, and by others an Oince. Such also was the Am∣bition of others upon the like occasion, as appeareth by that, very sharp Wars, and of a long continuance, have been made of old betwixt some Residentary Kings in Capadocia, upon this only De∣bate, of whose Name a certain Herb should have the Appellation; by reason of which difference, so troublesom and expensive to them all, it was by them cal∣led Polemonion, and by us for the same Cause termed Make-bate.

Other Herbs and Plants there are, which retain the Names of the Countries from whence they were transported: As the Median Apples from Media, where they first grew; Punick Apples from Pu∣nicia, (that is to say, Carthage;) Ligusti∣cum (which we call Louage) from Liguria the Coast of Genoua; Rubarb from a Flood in Barbary (as Ammianus attesteth) called Ru; Sautonica from a Region of that Name; Fenugreek from Greece; Ga∣stanes from a Country so called; Persicarie from Persia; Sabine from a Territory of that Appellation; Staechas from the Stae∣chad Islands; Spica Celtica from the Land

of the Celtick Gauls; and so throughout a great many other, which were tedious to enumerate. Some others again have ob∣tained their Denominations by way of Antiphrasis, or Contrariety; as, Absinth, because it is contrary to 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉; for it is bitter to the taste in drinking; Holosteon, as if it were all Bones, whilst on the con∣trary, there is no frailer, tenderer nor britler Herb in the whole Production of Nature than it.

There are some other sorts of Herbs, which have got their Names from their Vertues and Operatious; as Aristolochie, because it helpeth Women in Child-birth; Lichen, for that it cureth the Disease of that name; Mallow, because it mollifi∣eth; Callithricum, because it maketh the Hair of a bright Colour; Alyssum, Ephe∣merum, Bechium, Nasturtium, Aneban, and so forth through many more.

Other some there are which have ob∣tained their Names from the admirable Qualities that are found to be in them; as Heliotropium (which is the Marigold) because it followeth the Sun; so that at the Sun rising it displayeth and spreads it self out, at his ascending it mounteth, at his declining it waineth; and when he is set it is close shut; Adianton, because al∣though it grow near unto watry places,

and albeit you should let it lie in Water a long time, it will nevertheless retain no Moisture nor Humidity; Hierachia, Erin∣gium, and so throughout a great many more. There are also a great many Herbs, and Plants, which have retained the very same Names of the Men and Women who have been metamorphosed and trans∣formed in them; as from Daphne the Law∣rel is called also Daphne; Myrrhe from Myrrha the Daughter of Cinarus; Pythis from Pythis; Cinara (which is the Arti∣chock) from one of that name; Narcis∣sus, with Saffran, Similax, and divers o∣thers.

Many Herbs likewise have got their Names of those things which they seem to have some Resemblance; as Hippuris, because it hath the likeness of a Horses Tail; Alopecuris, because it representeth in similitude the Tail of a Fox; Psyllion, from a Flea which it resembleth; Del∣phinium, for that it is like a Dolphin Fish; Buglosse is so called, because it is an Herb like an Oxes Tongue; Iris, so called, be∣cause in its Flowers it hath some resem∣blance of the Rain-bow; Myosata, because it is like the Ear of a Mouse; Coronopus, for that it is of the likeness of a Crows Foot: A great many other such there are, which here to recite were needless. Fur∣thermore,

as there are Herbs and Plants which have had their Names from those of Men, so by a reciprocal Denominati∣on have the Surnames of many Families taken their Origin from them; as the Fa∣bii, à fabis, Beans; the Pisons, à pisis, Pease; the Lentuli from Lentils; the Cicerons, à Ciceribus, vel Ciceris, a sort of Pulse called Cichepeason, and so forth. In some Plants and Herbs the resemblance or likeness hath been taken from a higher Mark or Object, as when we say Venus Navil, Ve∣nus Hair, Venus Tub, Iupiter's Beard, Iu∣piter's Eye, Mars's Blood, the Hermodactyl or Mercury's Fingers, which are all of them Names of Herbs, as there are a great many more of the like Appellation. Others again have received their Deno∣mination from their Forms; such as the Trefoil, because it is three-leaved; Penta∣phylon, for having five Leaves; Serpolet, because it creepeth along the ground; Helixine, Petast, Myrobalon, which the Ara∣bians call Been, as if you would say an Ackorne; for it hath a kind of resemblance thereto, and withal is very oily.

CHAP. LI. Why is it called Pantagruelion, and of the admirable Vertues thereof.

BY such like means of attaining to a Denomination (the fabulous ways being only from thence excepted; for the Lord forbid that we should make use of any Fables in this a so venerable Hi∣story) is this Herb called Pantagruelion; for Pantagruel was the Inventor thereof: I do not say of the Plant it self, but of a certain use which it serves for, exceeding odious and hateful to Thieves and Rob∣bers, unto whom it is more contrarious and hurtful than the Strangle-weed, Choak∣fitch is to the Flax, the Cats-tail to the Brakes, the Sheavgrass to the Mowers of Hay, the Fitches to the Chickny Pease, the Darnel to Barley, the Hatchet Fitch to the Lentil Pulse, the Antramium to the Beans, Tares to Wheat, Ivy to Walls, the Water Lilly to lecherous Monks, the Birchen Rod to the Scholars of the Col∣ledge of Navarre in Paris, Colewort to

the Vine-tree, Garlick to the Load-stone, Onyons to the sight, Fearn-seed to Wo∣men with Child, Willow Grain to vici∣ous Nuns, the Yew-tree shade to those that sleep under it, Wolfsbane to Wolves and Libbards, the Smell of Fig-tree to mad Bulls, Hemlock to Goslings, Pur∣slane to the Teeth, or Oil to Trees: For we have seen many of those Rogues by vertue and right application of this Herb finish their Lives, short and long, after the manner of Phillis Queen of Thra∣cia, of Benosus Emperor of Rome, of Ama∣ta King Latinus's Wife, of Iphus, Autolicus, Lycambe, Arachne, Phaedra, Leda, Achius King of Lydia, and many thousands more; who were chiefly angry and vexed at this Disaster therein, that with∣out being otherways sick, evil dispo∣sed in their Bodies, by a touch only of the Pantagruelian, they came on a suddain to have the passage obstructed, and their Pipes (through which were wont to bolt so many jolly Sayings, and to enter so many luscious Morsels) stopped, more cleaverly, than ever could have done the Squinancy.

Others have been heard most wofully to lament, at the very instant when Atro∣pos was about to cut the thred of their Life, that Pantagruel held them by the Gorge.

But (well-a-day) it was not Pantagruel; he never was an Executioner: It was the Pantagruelian, manufactured and fashioned into an Halter, and serving in the place and Office of a Cravat. In that verily they solaecized, and spoke improperly, un∣less you would excuse them by a Trope, which alloweth us to posit the Inventor in the place of the thing invented; as when Ceres is taken for Bread, and Bacchus put instead of Wine. I swear to you here, by the good and frolick Words which are to issue out of that Wine-bottle which is a cooling below in the Copper Vessel full of Fountain Water, that the noble Pan∣tagruel never snatch'd any Man by the Throat, unless it was such a one as was al∣together careless and neglective of those obviating Remedies, which were preven∣tive of the Thirst to come.

It is also termed Pantagruelion by a Si∣militude: For Pantagruel, at the very first minute of his Birth, was no less tall than this Herb is long, whereof I speak unto you, his measure having been then taken the more easie, that he was born in the Season of the great Drowth, when they were busiest in the gathering of the said Herb, to wit, at that time when Ica∣rus's Dog, with his fiery bawling and barking at the Sun, maketh the whole

World Troglodytick, and enforceth People every where to hide themselves in Dens and subterranean Caves. It is likeways called Pantagruelion, because of the nota∣ble and singular Qualities, Vertues and Properties thereof: For as Pantagruel hath been the Idea, Pattern, Prototype and Exemplary of all Iovial Perfection and Accomplishment (in the truth whereof I believe there is none of you, Gentle∣men Drinkers, that putteth any Question) so in this Pantagruelion have I found so much Efficacy and Energy, so much Compleatness and Excellency, so much Exquisiteness and Ra••ity, and so many admirable Effects and Operations of a transcendent Nature, that if the Worth and Vertue thereof had been known, when those Trees, by the relation of the Prophet, made Election of a wooden King, to rule and govern over them, it with∣out all doubt would have carried away from all the rest the Plurality of Votes and Suffrages.

Shall I yet say more? If Oxilus the Son of Orius had begotten this Plant upon his Sister Hamadryas, he had taken more de∣light in the Value and Perfection of it a∣lone, then in all his Eight Children, so highly renowned by our ablest Mythologi∣ans, that they have sedulously recommen∣ded

their Names to the never-failing Tui∣tion of an eternal Remembrance. The eldest Child was a Daughter, whose Name was Vine; the next born was a Boy, and his Name was Fig-tree; the third was cal∣led Walnut-tree; the fourth Oak; the fifth Sorbaple-tree; the sixth Ash; the se∣venth Poplar; and the last had the Name of Elm, who was the greatest Surgeon in his time. I shall forbear to tell you, how the Juyce or Sap thereof, being pou∣red and distilled within the Ears, killeth every kind of Vermin, that by any man∣ner of Putrefaction cometh to be bred and engendred there; and destroyeth also any whatsoever other Animal that shall have entred in thereat. If likewise you put a little of the said Juyce within a Pale or Bucket full of Water, you shall see the Water instantly turn and grow thick therewith, as if it were Milk-Curds, whereof the Vertue is so great, that the Water thus curded is a present Remedy for Horses subject to the Cholick, and such as strike at their own Flanks. The Root thereof well boiled, mollifieth the Joynts, softneth the hardness of shrunk in Sinews, is every way comfortable to the Nerves, and good against all Cramps and Convul∣sions, as likeways all cold and knotty Gouts. If you would speedily heal a

Burning, whether occasioned by Water or Fire, apply thereto a little raw Panta∣gruelion, that is to say, take it so as it cometh out of the Ground, without be∣stowing any other Preparation or Com∣position upon it; but have a special Care to change it for some fresher, in lieu there∣of, as soon as you shall find it waxing dry upon the Sore.

Without this Herb Kitchins would be detested, the Tables of Dining-Rooms abhorred, although there were great Plen∣ty and Variety of most dainty and sum∣ptuous Dishes of Meat set down upon them; and the choicest Beds also, how richly soever adorned with Gold, Silver, Amber, Ivory, Porphyr, and the mixture of most precious Metals, would without it yield no Delight or Pleasure to the Reposers in them: Without it Millers could neither carry Wheat, nor any o∣ther kind of Corn, to the Mill; nor would they be able to bring back from thence Flour, or any other sort of Meal whatsoever. Without it, how could the Papers and Writs of Lawyers Clients be brought to the Bar? Seldom is the Mortar, Lime or Plaister brought to the Work∣house without it. Without it how should the Water be got out of a Draw-Well? In what case would Tabellions, Notaries,

Copists, Makers of Counterpanes, Wri∣ters, Clerks, Secretaries, Scriveners, and such like Persons be without it? Were it not for it, what would become of the Toll-rates and Rent-rolls? Would not the noble Art of Printing perish without it? Whereof could the Chassis or Paper-Win∣dows be made? How should the Bells be rung? The Altars of Isis are adorned therewith; the Pastophorian Priests are therewith clad and accoutred; and whole Humane Nature covered and wrapped therein, at its first position and producti∣on in, and into this World: All the Luni∣fick Trees of Seres, the Bumbast and Cot∣ton Bushes in the Territories near the Per∣sian Sea and Gulph of Bengala; the Ara∣bian Swans, together with the Plants of Maltha, do not all of them cloath, attire, and apparel so many Persons as this one Herb alone. Soldiers are now-a-days much better sheltered under it, than they were in former times, when they lay in Tents covered with Skins. It overshadows the Theaters and Amphitheaters from the heat of a scorching Sun: It begirdeth and encompasseth Forests, Chases, Parks, Cop∣ses and Groves, for the pleasure of Hun∣ters: It descendeth into the Salt and Fresh of both Sea and River-Waters, for the profit of Fishers: By it are Boots of

all sizes, Buskins, Gamashes, Brodkins, Gambados, Shooes, Pumps, Slippers, and every cobled Ware wrought and made steddable for the use of Man: By it the Butt and Rover-bows are strong, the Cross-bows bended, and the Slings made fixed: And, as if it were an Herb every whit as holy as the Verveine, and reverenced by Ghosts, Spirits, Hobgoblins, Fiends and Phantoms, the Bodies of deceased Men are never buried without it.

I will proceed yet further, by the means of this fine Herb, the invisible Substances are visibly stopped, arrested, taken, detain∣ed, and Prisoner-like committed to their receptive Goals. Heavy and ponderous Weights are by it heaved, lifted up, turn∣ed, veered, drawn, carried, and every way moved quickly, nimbly and easily, to the great Profit and Emolument of Humane Kind. When I perpend with my self these and such like marvellous Ef∣fects of this wonderful Herb, it seemeth strange unto me, how the Invention of so useful a Practice did escape, through so many by-past Ages, the Knowledge of the Ancient Philosophers, considering the in∣estimable Utility which from thence pro∣ceeded; and the immense Labour, which without it, they did undergo in their pri∣stine Elucubrations. By vertue thereof,

through the retention of some Aerial Gusts, are the huge Rambarges, mighty Gallioons, the large Floyts, the Chiliander, the Myriander Ships launched from their Stations, and set a going at the Pleasure and Arbitriment of their Rulers, Con∣ders and Steersmen. By the help thereof those remote Nations, whom Nature seem∣ed so unwilling to have discovered to us, and so desirous to have kept them still in abscondito, and hidden from us, that the ways through which their Countries were to be reached unto, were not only totally unknown, but judged also to be altogether impermeable and inaccessible, are now ar∣rived to us, and we to them.

Those Voyages outreached Flights of Birds, and far surpass'd the Scope of Fea∣ther'd Fowls, how swift soever they had been on the Wing, and notwithstanding that advantage which they have of us in swimming through the Air. Taproban hath seen the Heaths of Lapland, and both the Iava's the Riphaean Mountains, wide distant Phebol shall see Theleme, and the Islanders drink of the Flood Euphrates: By it the chill-mouthed Boreas hath sur∣veyed the parched Mansions of the tor∣rid Auster, and Eurus visited the Regions which Zephirus hath under his Command; yea, in such sort have Interviews been

made, by the assistance of this Sacred Herb, that maugre Longitudes and Latitudes, and all the Variations of the Zones. The Periae∣cian People, and Antoecian, Amphiscian, He∣teroscian, and Periscian had oft tendred and received mutual Visits to, and from other, upon all the Climates. These strange Ex∣ploits bred such Astonishment to the Ce∣lestial Intelligences, to all the Marine and Terrestrial Gods, that they were on a sud∣den all afraid: From which Amazement, when they saw how, by means of this blest Pantagruelion, the Arctick People lookt upon the Antarctick, scowred the Atlantick Ocean, passed the Tropicks, pushed through the Torrid Zone, measured all the Zodiack, sported under the Equinoctial, having both Poles level with their Horizon; they judg∣ed it high time to call a Council, for their own Safety and Preservation.

The Olympick Gods being all and each of them affrighted at the sight of such At∣chievements, said, Pantagruel hath shapen Work enough for us, and put us more to a plunge, and nearer our Wits end, by this sole Herb of his, then did of old the Aloids, by overturning Mountains. He very speedily is to be married, and shall have many Children by his Wife: It lies not in our Power to oppose this Destiny; for it hath passed through the Hands and

Spindles of the Fatal Sisters, Necessi∣ties inexorable Daughters. Who knows but by his Sons may be found out an Herb of such another Vertue and prodigi∣ous Energy, as that by the Aid thereof, in using it aright according to their Fathers Skill, they may contrive a way for Hu∣mane Kind to pierce into the high Aerian Clouds, get up unto the Spring-head of the Hail, take an Inspection of the snowy Sources, and shut and open as they please the Sluces from whence proceed the Flood-gates of the Rain; then prosecuting their Aetherial Voyage, they may step in unto the Lightning Work-house and Shop, where all the Thunderbolts are forged, where seizing on the Magazin of Hea∣ven, and Store-house of our Warlike Fire Munition, they may discharge a bouncing Peal or two of thundering Ordinance, for Joy of their Arrival to these new su∣pernal places; and charging those Toni∣trual Guns afresh, turn the whole force of that Artillery against our selves, wherein we most confided: Then is it like they will set forward to invade the Territories of the Moon, whence passing through both Mercury and Venus, the Sun will serve them for a Torch, to shew the way from Mars to Iupiter and Saturn: We shall not then be able to resist the Impetuosity of

their Intrusion, nor put a stoppage to their entring in at all whatever Regions, Domicils or Mansions of the Spangled Firmament they shall have any mind to see, to stay in, to travel through for their Re∣creation: All the Celestial Signs together, with the Constellations of the Fixed Stars, will joyntly be at their Devotion then: Some will take up their Lodging at the Ram, some at the Bull, and others at the Twins; some at the Crab, some at the Li∣on Inn, and others at the Sign of the Vir∣gin; some at the Balance, others at the Scorpion, and others will be quartered at the Archer; some will be harboured at the Goat, some at the Water-pourer's Sign, some at the Fishes; some will lie at the Crown, some at the Harp, some at the Golden Eagle and the Dolphin; some at the Flying Horse, some at the Ship, some at the great, some at the little Bear; and so throughout the glistning Hostories of the whole twinkling Asteristick Welkin: There will be Sojourners come from the Earth, who longing after the taste of the sweet Cream, of their own scumming off, from the best Milk of all the Dairy of the Galaxy, will set themselves at Table down with us, drink of our Nectar and Ambrosia, and take to their own Beds

at Night for Wives and Concubines our fairest Goddesses, the only means whereby they can be Deify'd. A Junto hereupon being convocated, the better to consult upon the manner of obviating a so dread∣ful Danger, Iove, sitting in his Presi∣dential Throne, asked the Votes of all the other Gods, which, after a profound Deliberation amongst themselves on all Contingencies, they freely gave at last, and then resolved unanimously to with∣stand the Shock of all whatsoever sub∣lunary Assaults.

CHAP. LII. How a certain kind of Pantagruelion is of that nature, that the Fire is not able to consume it.

I Have already related to you great and admirable things; but if you might be induced to adventure upon the hazard of believing some other Divinity of this Sacred Pantagruelion, I very willingly would tell it you. Believe it if you will, or otherways believe it not, I care not which of them you do, they are both alike to me, it shall be sufficient for my purpose to have told you the Truth, and the Truth I will tell you: But to enter in thereat, because it is of a knaggy, difficult and rugged access, this is the Question which I ask of you, If I had put within this Bottle two Pints, the one of Wine and the other of Water, throughly and exactly mingled together, how would you unmix them? After what manner would you go about to sever them, and separate the one Liquor from

the other, in such sort, that you render me the Water apart, free from the Wine, and the Wine also pure, without the In∣termixture of one drop of Water; and both of them in the same measure, quan∣tity and taste that I had embottled them? Or to state the Question otherways, If your Carr-men and Mariners, entrusted for the Provision of your Houses, with the bringing of a certain considerable number of Tuns, Punchions, Pipes, Bar∣rels and Hogsheads of Graves Wine, or of the Wine of Orleans, Beanne and Mire∣vaux, should drink out the half, and af∣terwards with Water fill up the other empty halves of the Vessels as full as be∣fore; as the Limosins use to do in their Carriages by Wains and Carts of the Wines of Argenton and Sangaultier. After that, how would you part the Water from the Wine, and purifie them both in such a case. I understand you well enough; your meaning is, that I must do it with an Ivy Funnel: That is written, it is true, and the Verity thereof explored by a thousand Experiments; you have learned to do this Feat before I see it: But those that have never known it, nor at any time have seen the like, would hardly be∣lieve that it were possible. Let us never∣theless proceed.

But put the case we were now living in the Age of Silla, Marius, Caesar, and other such Roman Emperors; or that we were in the time of our ancient Druids, whose custom was to burn and calcine the dead Bodies of their Parents and Lords, and that you had a mind to drink the Ashes or Cinders of your Wives or Fathers in the infused Liquor of some good White-wine, as Artemisia drunk the Dust and Ashes of her Husband Mansolus; or o∣therways, that you did determine to have them reserved in some fine Urn or Reli∣quary Pot, how would you save the Ashes apart, and separate them from those o∣ther Cinders and Ashes into which the Fuel of the Funeral and bustuary Fire hath been converted? Answer if you can; by my Figgins, I believe it will trouble you so to do.

Well, I will dispatch, and tell you, that if you take of this Celestial Pantagruelion so much as is needful to cover the Body of the Defunct, and after that you shall have inwrapped and bound therein as hard and closely as you can the Corps of the said deceased Persons, and sowed up the Folding-sheet with thred of the same stuff, throw it into the Fire, how great or ardent soever it be it matters not a Straw, the Fire through this Pantagruelion

will burn the Body, and reduce to Ashes the Bones thereof, and the Pantagruelion shall be not only not consumed nor burnt, but also shall neither lose one Atom of the Ashes inclos'd within it, nor receive one Atom of the huge bustuary heap of Ashes resulting from the blazing Confla∣gration of things combustible laid round about it, but shall at last, when taken out of the Fire, be fairer, whiter, and much cleaner than when you did put it in at first: Therefore it is called Asbeston, which is as much to say as incombustible. Great plenty is to be found thereof in Carpasia, as likeways in the Climate Diasienes, at ve∣ry easie rates. O how rare and admira∣ble a thing it is, that the Fire which de∣voureth, consumeth and destroyeth all such things else, should cleanse, purge and whi∣ten this sole Pantagruelion Carpasian Asbe∣ston! If you mistrust the Verity of this Relation, and demand for further Con∣firmation of my Assertion a Visible Sign, as the Iews, and such incredulous Infidels use to do; take a fresh Egg, and orbicu∣larly (or rather ovally) infold it within this Divine Pantagruelion; when it is so wrap∣ped up, put it in the hot Embers of a Fire, how great or ardent soever it be, and having left it there as long as you will, you shall at last, at your taking it

out of the Fire, find the Egg roasted hard, and as it were burnt, without any Alte∣ration, Change, Mutation, or so much as a Calefaction of the Sacred Pantagruelion: For less than a Million of Pounds Sterling, modified, taken down and amoderated to the twelfth part of one Four Pence Half-penny Farthing, you are able to put it to a trial, and make Proof thereof.

Do not think to overmatch me here, by paragoning with it, in the way of a more eminent Comparison, the Salaman∣der. That is a Fib; for albeit a little or∣dinary Fire, such as is used in Dining-Rooms and Chambers, gladden, chear up, exhilerate and quicken it, yet may I war∣rantably enough assure, that in the flaming Fire of a Furnace, it will, like any other animated Creature, be quickly suffocated, choaked, consumed and destroyed. We have seen the Experiment thereof, and Galen many ages ago hath clearly demon∣strated and confirmed it, Lib. 3. De tempo∣ra mentis. And Dioscorides maintaineth the same Doctrine, Lib. 2. Do not here in∣stance in competition with this Sacred Herb the Feather Allum, or the wooden Tower of Pyrce, which Lucius Sylla was never able to get burnt; for that Arche∣laus, Governour of the Town for Mithri∣dates King of Pontus, had plaistered it all

over on the out-side with the said Allum. Nor would I have you to compare there∣with the Herb, which Alexander Cornelius called Fonem, and said that it had some re∣semblance with that Oak which bears the Misselto; and that it could neither be con∣sumed, nor receive any manner of pre∣judice by Fire, nor by Water, no more than the Misselto, of which was built (said he) the so renowned Ship Argos. Search where you please for those that will be∣lieve it, I in that Point desire to be excu∣sed. Neither would I wish you to paral∣lel therewith (although I cannot deny but that it is of a very marvellous Nature) that sort of Tree which groweth alongst the Mountains of Brianson and Ambrun, which produceth out of his Root the good Agarick; from its Body it yieldeth unto us a so excellent Rosin, that Galen hath been bold to equal it to the Turpentine: Upon the delicate Leaves thereof it retaineth for our use that sweet Heavenly Honey, which is called the Manna: And although it be of a gummy, oily, fat and greasie Sub∣stance, it is notwithstanding unconsuma∣ble by any Fire. It is in Greek and Latin called Larix. The Alpinesi name it Melze. The Antenotides and Venetians term it La∣rege; which gave occasion to that Castle in Piedmont to receive the Denomination

of Larignum, by putting Iulius Caesar to a stand at his return from amongst the Gauls.

Iulius Caesar commanded all the Yeo∣mens, Boors, Hinds, and other Inhabitants in, near unto, and about the Alps and Pi∣edmont, to bring all manner of Victuals and Provision for an Army to those places, which on the Military Road he had ap∣pointed to receive them for the use of his marching Soldiery; to which Ordinance all of them were obedient, save only those as were within the Garrison of Larignum; who, trusting in the natural Strength of the place, would not pay their Contribu∣tion. The Emperor purposing to cha∣stise them for their refusal, caused his whole Army to march streight towards that Ca∣stle, before the Gate whereof was erected a Tower, built of huge big Sparrs and Rafters of the Larch Tree, fast bound to∣gether with Pins and Pegs of the same Wood, and interchangeably laid on one another, after the fashion of a Pile or Stack of Timber, set up in the Fabrick thereof to such an apt and convenient heighth, that from the Parapet above the Portcullis they thought with Stones and Leavers to beat off and drive away such as should approach thereto.

When Caesar had understood that the chief Defence of those within the Castle did consist in Stones and Clubs, and that it was not an easie matter to sling, hurl, dart, throw, or cast them so far as to hin∣der the Approaches, he forthwith com∣manded his Men to throw great store of Bavins, Faggots and Fascines round about the Castle; and when they had made the Heap of a competent height to put them all in a fair Fire, which was thereupon incontinently done; the Fire put amidst the Faggots was so great and so high, that it covered the whole Castle, that they might well imagine the Tower would thereby be altogether burnt to Dust, and demolished. Nevertheless, contrary to all their Hopes and Expectations, when the Flame ceased, and that the Faggots were quite burnt and consumed, the Tow∣er appeared as whole, sound and entire as ever. Caesar, after a serious Consideration had thereof, commanded a Compass to be taken, without the distance of a Stone Cast from the Castle round about it there, with Ditches and Entrenchments to form a Blockade; which when the Loringians understood, they rendred themselves upon Terms: And then, by a Relation from them it was that Caesar learned the admira∣ble Nature and Vertue of this Wood;

which, of it self, produceth neither Fire, Flame nor Coal; and would therefore in regard of that rare Quality of Incombu∣stibility, have been admitted into this Rank and Degree of a true Pantagruelional Plant; and that so much the rather, for that Pan∣tagruel directed that all the Gates, Doors, Angiports, Windows, Gutters, frettized and embowed Seelings, Cans, and other whatsoever wooden Furniture in the Abby of Theleme should be all materiated of this kind of Timber▪ He likeways caused to cover therewith the Sterns, Stems, Cook-rooms or Laps, Hatches, Decks, Coursies, Bends and Walls of his Carricks, Ships, Galli∣oons, Galays, Brigantins, Foysts, Frigates, Crears, Barks, Floyts, Pinks, Pinnaces, Huys, Catches, Capers, and other Vessels of his Thalassian Arcenal; were it not that the Wood or Timber of the Larch-tree, being put within a large and ample Fur∣nace full of huge vehemently flaming Fire, proceeding from the Fuel of other sorts and kinds of Wood, cometh at last to be corrupted, consumed, dissipated and destroyed, as are Stones in a Lime-kill: But this Pantagruelion Asbestin is rather by the Fire renewed and cleansed, than by the Flames thereof consumed or changed. Therefore,

Arabians, Indians, Sabaeans, Sing not in Hymns and Io Paeans; Your Incense, Myrrh, or Ebony: Come, here, a nobler Plant to see; And carry home, at any rate, Some Seed, that you may propagate. If in your Soil it takes, to Heaven A thousand thousand Thanks be given; And say with France, it goodly goes Where the Pantagruelion grows.

The End of the Third Book.