The works of F. Rabelais, M.D., or, The lives, heroic deeds and sayings of Gargantua and Pantagruel with a large account of the life and works of the author, particularly an explanation of the most difficult passages in them never before publish'd in any language / done out of French by Sir Tho. Urchard, Kt., and others.

The Second Book of RABELAIS, Treating of the Heroick Deeds and Sayings of the Good PANTAGRUEL. (Book 2)

CHAP. I. Of the Original and Antiquity of the Great Pantagruel.

IT will not be an idle nor unprofitable thing, seeing we are at leasure to put you in mind of the Fountain and Original Source, whence is derived unto us the good Pantagruel; for I see that all good Hi∣storiographers have thus handled their Chro∣nicles, not only the Arabians, Barbarians and Latines, but also the gentle Greeks, who were eternal Drinkers. You must therefore remark, that at the beginning of the World (I speak of a long time, it is above forty two Quaran∣tains

of Nights, according to the supputation of the ancient Druids) a little after that Abel was killed by his Brother Cain, the Earth im∣brued with the Blood of the Just, was one Year so exceeding fertile in all those Fruits which it usually produceth to us, and especially in Medlars, that ever since, throughout all Ages it hath been called the Year of the great Medlars, for three of them did fill a Bushel. In that Year the Calends were found by the Grecian Almanacks; there was that Year no∣th••ng of the Month of March in the time of Lent, and the middle of August was in May. In the Month of October, as I take it, or at least September (that I may not err, for I will carefully take heed of that) was the Week so famous in the Annals, which they call the Week of the three Thursdays; for it had three of them by means of the irregular Bissextile, occasioned by the Sun's having tripped and stumbled a little towards the left hand, like a Debtor afraid of Serjeants; and the Moon va∣ried from her Course above five Fathom; and the••e was manifestly seen the Motion of Tre∣pidation in the Firmament, called Aplanes: so that the middle Pleiade leaving her Fellows, declined towards the Equinoctial; and the Star named Spic••, left the Constellation of the Virgin to withdraw her self tow••rds the Bal∣lance: which are Cases very terrible, and Mat∣ters so hard and difficult, that Astrologians cannot set their Teeth in them; and indeed

their Teeth had been pretty long if they could have reached thither.

However account you it for a Truth, that every body did then most heartily eat of these Medlars, for they were fair to the Eye, and in Taste delicious. But even as Noah that holy Man (to whom we are so much behol∣den, bound and obliged, for that he planted to us the Vine, from whence we have that nectarian, delicious, precious, heavenly, joy∣ful and deifick Liquor, which they call the Piot, or Tiplage) was deceived in the drinking of it, for he was ignorant of the great Virtue and Power thereof: So likewise the Men and Women of that time did delight much in the eating of that fair great Fruit, but divers and very different Accidents did ensue thereupon; for there fell upon them all in their Bodies a most terrible Swelling, but not upon all in the same place; for some were swollen in the Belly, and their Belly strouted out big like a great Tun; of whom it is written, Ventrem Omni∣potentem; who were all very honest Men, and merry Blades: and of this Race came St. Fat∣gulch and Shrovetuesday. Others did swell at the Shoulders, who in that place were so crump and knobby, that they were therefore called Montifers, (which is as much as to say Hill-carriers) of whom you see some yet in the World of divers Sexes and Degrees. Of this Race came Aesop, some of whose excel∣lent Words and Deeds you have in Writing,

Some other Puffes did swell in length by the Member, which they call the Labourer of Nature, in such sort that it grew marvellous long, plump, jolly, lusty, stirring and Crest-risen in the Antick fashion; so that they made use of it as of a Girdle, winding it five or six times about their Waste: But if it happened the foresaid Member to be in good case, spooming with a full Sail, bunt fair before the Wind, then to have seen those strouting Champions, you would have taken them for Men that had their Lances setled on their Rest, to run at the Ring, or tilting Whintam. Of these believe me the Race is utterly lost and quite ex∣tinct, as the Women say; for they do lament continually, that there are none extant now of those long, plump, &c. you know the rest of the Song. Others did grow in matter of Ballocks so enormously, that three of them would fill a Sack; from them are descended the Ballocks of Lorrain, which never dwell in Codpieces, but fall down to the bottom of the Breeches. Others grew in the Hams, and to see them, you would have said they had been Cranes, or Flamans, or else Men walking upon Stilts; the little School-boys called these Iambicks. In others, their Nose did grow so, that it seemed to be the Beak of a Limbeck, in every part thereof most variously diapred with the twinkling Sparkles of Crimson-blisters bud∣ding forth, and purpled with Pimples all enamaled with thick-set Wheals of a sanguine

Colour, bordered with Queules; and such have you seen the Prebend Panzoul, and Woodenfoot the Physician of Angiers: of which Race there were few that liked the Ptisane, but all of them were perfect lovers of the pure sep∣tembral Iuice. Naso and Ovid had their Ex∣traction from thence, and all those of whom it is written, Ne reminiscaris. Others grew in Ears, which they had so big, that out of one would have been stuff enough got to make a Doublet, a pair of Breeches and a Jacket, whilst with the other they might have covered themselves as with a Spanish Cloak: and they say, that in Bourbonois this Race remaineth yet: And from thence they are called the Ears of Burbon. Others grew in length of Body, and of those came the Giants, and of them Pantagruel.

• And the first was Chalbroth,
• who begat Sarabroth,
• who begat Faribroth,
• who begat Hurtali, that was a brave Eater of Pottage, and reigned in the time of the Elood;
• who begat Nembroth,
• who begat Atlas, that with his Shoulders kept the Sky from falling;
• who begat Goliah,
• who begat Erix, that invented the Hocus Po∣cus-Plays of Legerdemain;
• who begat Titius,
• ...

• who begat Eryon,
• who begat Poliphemus,
• who begat Cacos,
• who begat Etion, the first Man that ever had the Pox, for not drinking fresh in Summer, as Burtachin witnesseth;
• who begat Enceladus,
• who begat Ceus,
• who begat Tiphaeus,
• who begat Alaeus,
• who begat Othus,
• who begat Aegeon,
• who begat Briareus, that had an hundred Hands;
• who begat Porphyrio,
• who begat Adamastor,
• who begat Anteus,
• who begat Agatho,
• who begat Porus, against whom fought Alex∣ander the Great;
• who begat Aranthas,
• who begat Cabbara, that was the first Inven∣tor of drinking of Healths;
• who begat Goliah of Secondille,
• who begat Offot, that was terribly well-nosed for drinking at the Barrel-head;
• who begat Artachaeus,
• who begat Oromedon,
• who begat Gemmagog, the first Inventor of Poulan-Shoes, which are open on the Foot, and tied over the Instep with a Latchet;
• who begat Sisyphus,
• ...

• who begat the Titans, of whom Hercules was born;
• who begat Enay, the most skilful Man that ever was, in matter of taking the little Worms out of the Hands;
• who begat Fierabras, that was vanquished by Oliver Peer of France, and Rowland's Camerade;
• who begat Morgan, the first in the World that play'd at Dice with Spectacles;
• who begat Fracassus, of whom Merlin Coc∣caius hath written, and of him was born Ferragus;
• who begat Hapmouche, the first that ever in∣vented the drying of Neats-Tongues in the Chimney; for before that People salted them as they do now Gammons of Bacon:
• who begat Bolivorax,
• who begat Longis,
• who begat Gayoffo, whose Ballocks were of Poplar, and his Pr— of the Servise, or Sorb-Apple-Tree:
• who begat Maschefain,
• who begat Bruslefer,
• who begat An••••ulevent,
• who begat Galehant, the Inventor of Flagons;
• who begat Mirelangant,
• who begat Gallaffre,
• who begat Salourdin,
• who begat Roboast,
• who begat Sortibrant of Conimbres,
• who begat Brusbant of Mommiere,
• ...

• who begat Bruyer, that was overcome by Ogier the Dane, Peer of France;
• who begat Mabrun,
• who begat Foutasnon,
• who begat Haquelebas,
• who begat Vitdegrain,
• who begat Grangousier,
• who begat Gargantua,
• who begat the noble Pantagruel my Master.

I know that reading this Passage, you will make a doubt within your selves, and that grounded upon very good Reason, which is this, How is it possible that this Relation can be true, seeing at the time of the Flood all the World was destroyed except Noah, and seven Persons more with him in the Ark, in∣to whose number Hurtali is not admitted: Doubtless the Demand is well made, and ve∣ry apparent; but the Answer shall satisfy you, or my Wit is not rightly caulked: and because I was not at that time to tell you any thing of my own fancy, I will bring unto you the Authority of the Masorets, good honest Fel∣lows, true Ballockeering Blades, and exact He∣braical Bagpipers, who affirm that verily the said Hurtali was not within the Ark of Noah, (neither could he get in, for he was too big) but he sat astride upon it, with one Leg on the one side, and another on the other, as little Children used to do upon their wooden Hor∣ses; or as the great Bull of Berne, which was

killed at Marinian, did ride for his Hackney the great Murdering-Piece, a pretty Beast of a fair and pleasant Amble without all question.

In that posture he, after God, saved the said Ark from danger, for with his Legs he gave it the Brangle that was needful, and with his Foot turned it whither he pleased, as a Ship answereth her Rudder. Those that were within sent him up Victuals in abundance by a Chimney, as People very thankfully ac∣knowledging the Good that he did them: And sometimes they did talk together, as Varomenippus did to Iupiter, according to the report of Lucian. Have you understood all this well? Drink then one good draught with∣out Water, for if you believe it not: No truly do I not, quoth she.

CHAP. II. Of the Nativity of the most dread and redoubted Pantagruel.

GArgantua at the Age of four hundred fourscore forty and four Years begat his Son Pantagruel, upon his Wife named Badebec, Daughter to the King of the Amaurots in Vtopia, who died in Child-birth; for he was so wonderfully great and lumpish, that he could not possibly come forth into the Light of the World, without thus suffocating his

Mother. But that we may fully understand the cause and reason of the Name of Panta∣gruel, which at his Baptism was given him, you are to remark, that in that Year there was so great Drought over all the Country of Afri••k, that there past thirty and six Months, three Weeks, four Days, thirteen Hours, and a little more without Rain, but with a Heat so vehement, that the whole Earth was parched and withered by it: Neither was it more scorched and dried up with Heat in the days of Elijah, than it was at that time; for there was not a Tree to be seen, that had either Leaf or Bloom upon it: the Grass was with∣out Verdure or Greenness, the Rivers were drained, the Fountains dried up, the poor Fishes abandoned and forsaken by their pro∣per Element, wandring and crying upon the Ground most horribly: the Birds did fall down from the Air for want of Moisture and Dew wherewith to refresh them: the Wolves, Foxes, Harts, Wild-Boars, Fallow-Deer, Hares, Coneys, Weesils, Brocks, Badgers, and other such Beasts were found dead in the Fields with their Mouths open. In respect of Men, there was the Pity, you should have seen them lay out their Tongues like Hares that have been run six Hours; many did throw them∣selves into the Wells; others entred within a Cow's Belly to be in the Shade; those Homer calls Alibants: all the Country was at a stand, and nothing could be done; it was a most

lamentable case to have seen the Labour of Mortals in defending themselves from the Ve∣hemency of this horrifick Drought; for they had work enough to do to save the holy Water in the Churches from being wasted: but there was such order taken by the Counsel of my Lords the Cardinals, and of our Holy Father, that none did dare to take above one lick; yet when any one came into the Church, you should have seen above twenty poor thirsty Fellows hang upon him that was the Distributer of the Water, and that with a wide open Throat, gaping for some little drop (like the rich Glutton in St. Luke) that might fall by, lest any thing should be lost. O how happy was he in that Year who had a cool Cellar under ground, well plenished with fresh Wine!

The Philosopher reports in moving the Question, Wherefore is it that the Sea-Water is salt? That at the time when Phoebus gave the Government of his resplendent Chariot to his Son Phaeton, the said Phaeton, unskilful in the Art, and not knowing how to keep the Ecliptick-Line betwixt the two Tropicks of the Latitude of the Sun's Course, strayed out of his way, and came so near the Earth, that he dried up all the Countries that were under it, burning a great part of the Hea∣ven, which the Philosophers call Via lactea, and the Huffsnuffs, St. Iames his way; altho the most lofty and high-crested Poets affirm

that to be the place where Iuno's Milk fell when she gave Suck to Hercules.

The Earth at that time was so excessively heated, that it fell into an enormous Sweat, yea such an one that made it sweat out the Sea, which is therefore salt, because all Sweat is salt; and this you cannot but confess to be true, if you will taste of your own, or of those that have the Pox when they are put into a sweating, it is all one to me. Just such another case fell out this same Year; for on a certain Friday, when the whole People were bent upon their Devotions, and had made goodly Processions, with store of Letanies, and fair Preachings, and Beseechings of God Al∣mighty to look down with his Eye of Mercy upon their miserable and disconsolate Con∣dition, there was even then visibly seen issue out of the Ground great drops of Water, such as fall from a Man in a top Sweat; and the poor Hoydons began to rejoice, as if it had been a thing very profitable unto them; for some said that there was not one drop of Moisture in the Air, whence they might have any Rain, and that the Earth did supply the default of that. Other learned Men said, that it was a Shower of the Antipodes, as Se∣neca saith in his fourth Book Quaestionum Na∣turalium, speaking of the Source and Spring of Nilus; but they were deceived; for the Procession being ended, when every one went about to gather of this Dew, and to drink

of it with full Bowls, they found that it was nothing but Pickle, and the very Brine of Salt, more brackish in Taste than the saltest Water of the Sea: and because in that very Day Pantagruel was born, his Father gave him that Name; for Panta in Greek is as much as to say all, and Gruel in the Hagarene Language doth signify thirsty; inferring here∣by, that at his Birth the whole World was a∣dry and thirsty; as likewise foreseeing that he would be some day Supream Lord and Soveraign of the thirsty Companions, which was shewn to him at that very same hour by a more evident sign; for when his Mother Badebec was in the bringing of him forth, and that the Midwives did wait to receive him, there came first out of her Belly three∣score and eight Salt-sellers, every one of them leading in a Halter a Mule heavy loaded with Salt; after whom issued forth nine Dromeda∣ries, with great Loads of Gammons of Ba∣con, and dried Neats-Tongues on their Backs; then followed seven Camels loaded with Links and Chitterlins, Hogs-puddings and Sassages; after them came out five great Wains full of Leeks, Garlick, Onions and Chibols, drawn with five and thirty strong Cart-horses, which was six for every one, besides the Thiller. At the sight hereof the Midwives were much amazed; yet some of them said, Lo, here is good Provision, and indeed we need it, for we drink but lazily, as if our Tongues walked

on Crutches: truly this is a good sign there is nothing here but what is fit for us, these are the Spurs of Wine that set it a going. As they were tatling thus together after their own man∣ner of Chat, behold, out comes Pantagruel all hairy like a Bear; whereupon one of them in∣spired with a Prophetical Spirit, said, This will be a terrible Fellow, he is born with all his Hair, he is undoubtedly to do wonderful things; and if he live, he will be of Age.

CHAP. III. Of the Grief wherewith Gargantua was moved at the Decease of his Wife Badebec.

WHen Pantagruel was born, there was none more astonished and perplexed than was his Father Gargantua; for on the one side seeing his Wife Badebec dead, and on the other side his Son Pantagruel born, so fair and so goodly, he knew not what to say nor what to do; and the Doubt that troubled his Brain, was to know whether he should cry for the Death of his Wife, or laugh for the Joy of his Son: he was hinc inde choaked with Sophistical Arguments, for he framed them very well in modo & figura, but he could not resolve them, remaining pe∣stered and entangled by this means, like a Mouse catch'd in a Trap, or Kite snar'd in a Gin. Shall I weep? (said he) Yes, for why? my so good

Wife is dead, who was the most this, the most that, that ever was in the World: Never shall I see her, never shall I recover such another; it is unto me an inestimable Loss! O my good God, what had I done that thou shouldst thus punish me? Why didst thou not take me away before her? seeing for me to live without her, is but to languish. Ah, Badebec, Badebec, my Minion, my dear Heart, my Pigsney, my Duck, my Honey, my little C— (yet it hath in Circumference full six Acres, three Rods, five Poles, four Yards, two Feet, one Inch and a half of good Woodland Measure) my ten∣der Peggy, my Codpiece-Darling, my bob and hit, my Slipshoe-Lovy, never shall I see thee! Ah, poor Pantagruel, thou hast lost thy good Mother, thy sweet Nurse, thy well-beloved Lady! O false Death, how injurious and de∣spightful hast thou been to me? How mali∣cious and outragious have I found thee, in taking her from me, my well-beloved Wife, who should of right have been immortal?

With these words he did cry like a Cow, but on a sudden fell a laughing like a Calf, when Pantagruel came into his Mind. Ha, my lit∣tle Son (said he) my Childilolly, Fedlifondy, Dandlichucky, my Ballocky, my pretty Rogue; O how jolly thou art, and how much am I bound to my gracious God, that hath been pleased to bestow on me a Son so fair, so sprite∣ful, so lively, so smiling, so pleasant, and so gentle. Ho, ho, ho, ho, how glad I am? Let

us drink, ho, and put away Melancholy; bring of the best, rinse the Glasses, lay the Cloth, drive out these Dogs, blow this Fire, light Candles, shut that Door there, cut this Bread in sippets for Brewis, send away these poor Folks, give them what they ask; hold my Gown, I will strip my self into my Doublet, (én cuerpo) to make the Gossips merry, and keep them company.

As he spake this, he heard the Letanies and the Memento's of the Priests that carried his Wife to be buried, which dash'd all his Merri∣ment agen, and was suddenly ravished ano∣ther way, saying, Lord God, must I again contrist my self? this grieves me, I am no longer young, I grow old, the Weather is dan∣gerous, I am sick, I faint away; by the Faith of a Gentleman, it were better to cry less, and drink more.

My Wife is dead, well, by G— (da juran∣di) I shall not raise her again by my crying: she is well, she is in Paradise at least, if she be no higher: she prayeth to God for us, she is happy, she is above the sense of our Miseries, nor can our Calamities reach her: What tho she be dead, must not we also die? the same Debt which she hath paid, hangs over our Heads; Nature will require it of us, and we must all of us some day taste of the same sauce: let her pass then, and the Lord pre∣serve the Survivors, for I must now cast about how to get another Wife. But I will tell you

what you shall do, said he to the Midwives, (where be they, good Folks, I cannot see them) go you to my Wife's Interment, and I will the while rock my Son; for I find my self strangely altered, and in danger of falling sick: but drink one good Draught first, you will be the better for it; believe me upon my Honour. They at his requst went to her Bu∣rial and Funeral Obsequies; in the mean while, poor Gargantua staying at home, and willing to have somewhat in Remembrance of her to be engraven upon her Tomb, made this Epitaph in the manner as followeth.

Dead is the noble Badebec, Who had a Face like a Rebeck; A Spanish Body and a Belly Of Swisserland; she dy'd, I tell ye, In Child-birth; pray to God that her He pardon wherein she did err. Here lies her Body, which did live Free from all Vice, as I believe; And did decease at my Bed-side, The Year and Day in which she dy'd.

CHAP. IV. Of the Infancy of Pantagruel.

I Find by the Ancient Historiographers and Poets, that divers have been born in this World after very strange manners, which would be too long to repeat; read therefore the seventh Chapter of Pliny, if you have so much leisure; yet have you never heard of any so won∣derful as that of Pantagruel; for it is a very difficult matter to believe, how in the little time he was in his Mother's Belly, he grew both in Body and Strength. That which Her∣cules did was nothing, when in his Cradle he slew two Serpents; for those Serpents were but little and weak: but Pantagruel being ye•• in his Cradle, did far more admirable things, and more to be amazed at. I pass by here the Relation of how at every one of his Meals he supped up the Milk of four thousand and six hundred Cows; and how to make him a Skellet to boil his Milk in, there were set a∣work all the Brasiers of Somure in Anjoy, of Villedieu in Normandy, and of Bramont in Lorrain: and they served in this Whitepot-meat to him in a huge great Bell, which is yet to be seen in the City of Bourge in Berry, near the Palace: but his Teeth were already so well grown, and so strengthned in Vigor, that of

the said Bell he bit off a great Morsel, as very plainly doth appear till this hour.

One Day in the Morning when they would have made him suck one of his Cows (for he never had any other Nurse, as the History tells us) he got one of his Arms loose from the swadling Bands, wherewith he was kept fast in the Cradle, laid hold on the said Cow un∣der the left fore-Ham, and grasping her to him, ate up her Udder and half her Paunch, with the Liver and the Kidnies, and had de∣voured all up if she had not cried out most hor∣ribly, as if the Wolves had held her by the Legs: at which Noise Company came in and took away the said Cow from Pantagruel; yet could they not so well do it, but that the Quarter whereby he caught her was left in his Hand, of which Quarter he gulp'd up the Flesh in a trice, even with as much ease as you would eat a Sassage; and that so greedily with desire of more, that when they would have taken away the Bone from him, he swallowed it down whole, as a Cormorant would do a little Fish; and afterwards began fumblingly to say, Good, good, good, for he could not yet speak plain, giving them to un∣derstand thereby, that he had found it very good, and that he did lack but so much more; which when they saw that attended him, they bound him with great Cable-Ropes, like those that are made at Tain for the Car∣riage of Salt to Lyons; or such as those are

whereby the great French Ship rides at An∣chor in the Road of New-haven in Normandy. But on a certain time, a great Bear which his Father had bred, got loose, came towards him, began to lick his Face, for his Nurses had not throughly wiped his Chaps; at which un∣expected approach, being on a sudden offen∣ded, he as lightly rid himself of those great Cables, as Samson did of the Hauser Ropes wherewith the Philistines had tied him, and by your leave, takes up Monsieur the Bear, and tears him to you in pieces like a Pullet, which served him for a Gorge-full, or good warm Bit for that Meal.

Whereupon Gargantua fearing lest the Child should hurt himself, caused four great Chains of Iron to be made to bind him, and so many strong Wooden Arches unto his Cra∣dle, most firmly stocked and mortaised in huge Frames: Of those Chains you have one at Rochel, which they drew up at Night betwixt the two great Towers of the Haven. Ano∣ther is at Lyons; a third at Angiers; and the fourth was carried way by the Devils to bind Lucifer, who broke his Chains in those days, by reason of a Cholick that did extraordina∣rily torment him, taken with eating a Ser∣jeant's Soul en Fricasseé, for his Breakfast: And therefore you may believe that which Nicolas de Lyra saith upon that place of the Psalter, where it is written, Et Og Regem Basan; that the said Og being yet little, was

so strong and robustious, that they were fain to bind him with Chains of Iron in his Cra∣dle. Thus continued Pantagruel for a while very calm and quiet, for he was not able so easily to break those Chains, especially having no room in the Cradle to give a swing with his Arms. But see what happened; Once upon a great Holiday, that his Father Gargantua made a sumptuous Banquet to all the Princes of his Court: I am apt to believe, that the Menial Officers of the House were so imbusied in waiting each on his proper Service at the Feast, that no body took care of poor Panta∣gruel, who was left a reculorum, behind-hand all alone, and as forsaken. What did he? Heark what he did, good People; he strove and essayed to break the Chains of the Cradle with his Arms, but could not, for they were too strong for him; then did he keep with his Feet such a stamping Stir, and so long, that at last he beat out the lower end of his Cradle, which notwithstanding was made of a great Post five Foot in square; and as soon as he had gotten out his Feet, he slid down as well as he could, till he had got his Soles to the Ground; and then with a mighty force he rose up, carrying his Cradle upon his Back, bound to him like a Tortoise that crawls up against a Wall; and to have seen him, you would have thought it had been a great Carrick of five hundred Tun upon one end. In this man∣ner he entred into the great Hall, where they

were banqueting, and that very boldly, which did much afright the Company; yet because his Arms were tied in, he could not reach any thing to eat, but with great Pain stopped now and then a little, to take with the whole flat of his Tongue some Lick, good Bit or Morsel.

Which when his Father saw, he knew well enough that they had left him without giving him any thing to eat, and therefore command∣ed that he should be loosed from the said Chains, by the Counsel of the Princes and Lords there present: Besides that, also the Physicians of Gargantua said, that if they did thus keep him in the Cradle, he would be all his Life-time subject to the Stone. When he was unchain'd, they made him to sit down, where after he had fed very well, he took his Cradle and broke it into more than five hun∣dred thousand pieces with one Blow of his Fist that he struck in the midst of it, swearing that he would never come into it again.

CHAP. V. Of the Acts of the noble Pantagruel in his youthful Age.

THus grew Pantagruel from day to day, and to every ones Eye waxed more and more in all his Dimensions, which made his

Father to rejoice by a natural Affection; therefore caused he to be made for him, whilst he was yet little, a pretty Cross-bow, where∣with to shoot at small Birds, which now they call the great Cross-bow at Chantelle. Then he sent him to the School to learn, and to spend his Youth in Vertue: in the Prose∣cution of which Design he came first to Poictiers, where, as he studied and profited very much, he saw that the Scholars were oftentimes idle, and knew not how to bestow their Time, which moved him to take such Compassion on them, that one day he took from a long Ledg of Rocks (called there Passelourdin) a huge great Stone, of about twelve Fathom square, and fourteen Handfuls thick, and with great Ease set it upon four Pillars in the midst of a Field to no other end, but that the said Scholars when they had nothing else to do, might pass their time in getting up on that Stone, and feast it with store of Gammons, Pasties and Flaggons, and carve their Names upon it with a Knife; in token of which Deed, till this hour the Stone is called the lifted Stone: and in remembrance hereof there is none entered into the Register and Matricular Book of the said University, or accounted capable of taking any Degree therein, till he have first drunk in the Caballine Fountain of Croustelles, passed at Passelourdin, and got up upon the lifted Stone.

Afterwards reading the delectable Chroni∣cles of his Ancestors, he found that Iafrey of Lusinian, called Iafrey with the great Tooth, Grandfather to the Cousin-in-Law of the el∣dest Sister of the Aunt of the Son-in-Law of the Unkle of the good Daughter of his Step-mother, was interred at Maillezais; therefore he took a Play-day to pay his Respects to him in a Visit; and going from Poictiers with some of his Companions, they passed by the Guge, visiting the noble Abbot Ardillon: then by Lusinian, by Sansay, by Celles, by Coalonges, by Fontenay the Conte, saluting the learned Tiraquean, and from thence arrived at Mail∣lezais, where he went to see the Sepulchre of the said Iafrey with the great Tooth, which made him somewhat afraid, looking upon the Portraiture, representing a Man in an extream Fury, drawing his great Malchus Faulchion half way out of his Scabbard. When the reason hereof was demanded, the Chanons of the said Place told him that there was no o∣ther cause of it, but that Pictoribus atque Poetis, &c. that is to say, that Painters and Poets have liberty to paint and devise what they list after their own Fancy: but he was not satisfied with their Answer, and said, He is not thus painted without a cause; and I suspect that at his Death there was some Wrong done him, whereof he requireth his Kindred to take Revenge; I will enquire further into it, and then do what shall be reasonable: then

he returned not to Poictiers, but would take a view of the other Universities of France; therefore going to Rochel, he took Shipping and arrived at Bourdeaux, where he found no great Diversion, only now and then he would see some Mariners and Lightermen a wrestling on the Key or Strand by the River side. From thence he came to Tholouse, where he learned to dance very well, and to play with the two-handed Sword, as the fashion of the Scholars of the said University is. But he staid not long there, when he saw that they did cause burn their Regents alive, like Red-herring, saying, Now God forbid that I should die this Death, for I am by Nature sufficienly dry al∣ready, without being heated any further.

He went then to Monpellier, where he met with the good Wives of Mirevaux, and good jovial Company withal, and thought to have set himself to the study of Physick; but he considered that that Calling was too troublesome and melancholy, and that Phy∣sicians did smell of Glisters like old Devils: therefore he resolved he would study the Laws; but seeing that there were but three scauld, and one bald-pated Legist in that place, he departed from thence, and in his way made the Bridg of Gard, and the Amphitheater of Neems in less than three hours, which never∣theless seems to be more than mortal Man could do. After that he came to Avignon, where he was not above three days before he fell in

love; for the Women there take great delight in playing at the close Buttock-Game, because it is Papal Ground; which his Tutor Episte∣mon perceiving, he drew him out of that place and brought him to Valence in the Dauphinee, where he saw no great matter of Recreation, only that the Lubbards of the Town did beat the Scholars; which so incen∣sed him with Anger, that when upon a certain very fair Sunday, the People being at their publick dancing in the Streets, and one of the Scholars offering to put himself into the Ring, the Bumkins would not let him: whereupon Pantagruel taking the Scholar's part, so be∣laboured them with Blows, and laid such load upon them that he drove them all before him, even to the Brink of the River Rhosne, and would have there drowned them, but that they did squat to the Ground, and there lay close a full half League under the River. The Hole is to be seen there yet.

After that he departed from thence, and in three Strides and one Leap came to Angiers, where he found himself very well, and would have continued there some space, but that the Plague drove them away. So from thence he came to Bourges, where he studied a good long time, and profited very much in the Fa∣culty of the Laws; and would sometimes say, that Law-Books were like a wonder∣ful rich Cloth of Gold, edg'd with Fur; for in the World are no goodlier Books to be

seen, more ornate, nor more eloquent than the Texts of the Pandects; but the bordering of them, that is to say, the Gloss of Accur∣sius, is so vile, mean and scandalous, that it is nothing but Dirt and Excrement.

Going from Bourges, he came to Orleans, where he found store of sparkish Scholars that made him great Entertainment at his coming, and with whom he learned to play at Tennis so well, that he was a Master at that Game: for the Students there are excellent at it. And sometimes they carried him unto Cupid's Gardens, there to recreate his Person at the Poussevant, or In and In. As for breaking his Head with over-much study, he had an especial care not to do it in any case for fear of spoiling his Eyes; which he the rather ob∣served, for that one of the Regents there had often in his Lectures maintain'd, that nothing could be so hurtful to the sight, as to have sore Eyes. So one day, when a Scholar of his Acquaintance (who had of Learning not much more than his Brethren, tho instead of that he could dance very well, and play at Tennis) was made a Licentiate in Law, he blazon'd the Licentiates of that University in this manner.

In his Hand is always a Racket, Or else is his Hand in a Placket: In a Dance he neatly can trip it; And for Law, it is all in his Tippet.

CHAP. VI. How Pantagruel met with a Limousin, who affected to speak in learned Phrase.

UPon a certain day, I know not when, Pantagruel walking after Supper with some of his Fellow-Students, without that Gate of the City through which we enter on the Rode to Paris, encounter'd with a young spruce-like Scholar that was coming upon the same very way; and after they had saluted one another, asked him thus, My Friend, from whence comest thou now? The Scholar an∣swered him, From the Alme, inclyte and celebrate Academy, which is vocitated Lu∣tetia. What is the meaning of this (said Pan∣tagruel) to one of his Men? It is (answered he) from Paris. Thou comest from Paris then (said Pantagruel) and how do you spend your time there, you my Masters the Students of Paris? The Scholar answered, We trans∣fretate the Sequan at the Dilucul and Cre∣puscul; we deambulate by the Compites and Quadrives of the Vrb; we despumate the La∣tial Verbocination; and like verisimularie a∣morabons; we captat the Benevolence of the Omnijugal, Omniform, and Omnigenal Foemi∣nine Sex; upon certain Diecules we invisat the Lupanares, and in a venerian extase in∣culcate

our Veretres, into the penitissime Re∣cesses of the Pudends of these amicabilissim me∣retricules: then do we cauponisate in the me∣ritory Taberns of the Pineapple, the Castle, the Magdalene, and the Mule, goodly vervecine Spatules perforaminated with Petrocile: and if by fortune there be Rarity, or penury of Pecune in our Marsupies; and that they be exhausted of ferruginean Metal for the shot, we dimit our Codices, and oppugnerat our Vestiments, whilst we prestolate the coming of the Tabel∣laries from the Penates, and patriotick Lares. To which Pantagruel answered, What devil∣lish Language is this? by the Lord, I think thou art some kind of Heretick. My Lord, No, said the Scholar; for libentissimally assoon as it illucesceth any minutle slice of the Day; I demigrate into one of these so well architected Minsters; and there irrorating my self with fair lustral Water, I mumble off little parcels of some missick Precation of our Sacrificuls; and submurmurating my horary Precules, I elevate and absterge my anime from its nocturnal In∣quinations. I revere the Olympicols: I latrially ve∣nere the supernal Astripotent: I dilige and redame my Proxims: I observe the decalogical Pre∣cepts; and according to the facultatule of my Vires, I do not discede from them one late Vn∣guicule; nevertheless it is veriform, that be∣cause Mammona doth not supergurgitate any thing in my Loculs, that I am somewhat rare and lent to supererrogate the Elemosynes

to those Egents, that hostially queritate their stipe.

Prut, tut, (said Pantagruel) what doth this Fool mean to say? I think he is upon the forging of some diabolical Tongue, and that Inchanter-like he would charm us. To whom one of his Men said, Without doubt (Sir) this Fellow would counterfeit the Language of the Parisians, but he doth only flay the Latin, i∣magining by so doing that he doth highly Pindarize it in most eloquent Terms, and strongly conceiteth himself to be therefore a great Orator in the French, because he disdain∣eth the common manner of speaking. To which Pantagruel said, Is it true? The Scho∣lar answered, My worshipful Lord, my Genie is not apt nate to that which this flagitious Ne∣bulon saith, to excoriate the Tuticle of our ver∣nacular Gallick, but viceversally I gnave opere, and by vele and rames enite to locupletate it, with the Latinicome redundance. By G— (said Pantagruel) I will teach you to speak: But first come hither, and tell me whence thou art? To this the Scholar answered: The pri∣meval Origin of my Aves and Ataves, was in∣digenary of the Lemonick Regions, where re∣quiesceth the Corpor of the Hagiotat St. Mar∣tial. I understand thee very well (said Pan∣tagruel) when all comes to all, thou art a Limousin, and thou wilt here by thy affected Speech counterfeit the Parisians. Well now, come hither, I must shew thee a new Trick,

and handsomly give thee the Combfeat. With this he took him by the Throat, saying to him, Thou flayest the Latin; by St. Iohn I will make thee flay the Fox; for I will now flay thee a∣live. Then began the poor Limousin to cry; Haw, gwid Maaster, haw, Laord, my Halp, and St. Marshaw, haw, I'm worried: haw, my Thropple, the Bean of me Cragg is bruck: haw, for Guaads seck, lawt me lean, Mawster; waw, waw, waw. Now (said Pantagruel) thou speakest naturally, and so let him go; for the poor Limousin had totally berayed, and through∣ly conshit his Breeches, which were not deep and large, but made à qu••üe de merlus. Then (said Pantagruel) St. Alipantiu, what civette? Foh, foh, to the Devil with this Turnep-Eater. How he stinks? and so let him go. But this Hug of Pantagruel's was such a Terror to him all the Days of his Life, and he had such a Thirst upon him, that he would often cry out, that Pantagruel held him by the Throat. And af∣ter some few Years he died of the Death Ro∣land, a Work of Divine Vengeance, shewing us that which saith the Philosopher, and Aulus Gellius, that it becometh us to speak according to the common Language; and that we should (as said Octavian Augustus) shun all strange Words, with as much Care, as Pilots of Ships avoid the Rocks in the Sea.

CHAP. VII. How Pantagruel came to Paris, and of the choice Books of the Library of St. Victor.

AFter that Pantagruel had studied very well at Orleans, he resolved to see the great University of Paris; but before his De∣parture, he was informed that there was a huge big Bell at St. Anian, in the said Town of Orleans, under the Ground, which had been there above two hundred and fourteen Years; for it was so great that they could not by any device get it so much as above the Ground, although they used all the means that are found in Vitruvius de Architectura, Albertus de re aedificatoria, Euclid, Theon, Archimedes, and Hero de ingeniis: for all that was to no purpose. Wherefore condescending heartily to the humble Request of the Citizens and In∣habitants of the said Town, he determined to remove it to the Tower that was erected for it. With that he came to the Place where it was, and lifted it out of the Ground with his little Finger, as easily as you would have done a Hawk's Bell: But before he would car∣ry it to the foresaid Tower, he would needs make some Musick with it about the Town, and ring it alongst all the Streets, as he carried it in his Hand; wherewith all the People were

very glad: but there happened one great In∣conveniency; for with carrying it so, and ringing it about the Streets, all the good Or∣leans Wine turned instantly, and was spoiled; which no Body there did perceive till the Night following: for every Man found himself so a dry with drinking these flat Wines, that they did nothing but spit, and that as white as Mal∣tha Cotton, saying, We have got the Panta∣gruel, and our very Throats are salted.

This done, he came to Paris with his Re∣tinue, and at his entry every one came out to see him, (as you know well enough, that the People of Paris are Sots by Nature, by B flat, and B sharp) and beheld him with great Astonishment, mixed with no less Fear, that he would carry away the Palace into some o∣ther Country à remotis, as his Father formerly had done the great Bells at our Ladies Church, to tie about his Mare's Neck. Now after he had stayed there a pretty space, and studied very well in all the seven Liberal Arts, he said it was a good Town to live in, but not to die there; for that the Grave-digging Rogues of St. Innocent, used in frosty Nights to warm their Bums with dead Mens Bones. In his a∣bode there, he found the Library of St. Victor, very magnificent, especially in some Books which were there, of which followeth the Ca∣talogue: Et primò,

• The for Godsake of Salvation.
• The Cod-piece of the Law.
• The Slip-shoe of the Decretals.
• The Pomegranate of Vice.
• The Clew-bottom of Theology.
• The Duster or Foxtail-flap of Preachers, Com∣posed by Turlupin.
• The churning Ballock of the Valiant.
• The Henbane of the Bishops.
• Marmoretus de baboonis & apis, cum Commen∣to Dorbellis.
• Decretum Vniversitatis Parisiensis super gorgia∣sitate muliercularum ad placitum.
• The Apparition of Sancte Geltrud, to a Nun of Poissie, being in travel, at the bringing forth of a Child.
• Ars honestè fartandi in societate, per Marcum Corvinum.
• The Mustard-pot of Penance.
• The Gamashes, aliàs the Boots of Patience.
• ... Formicarium Artium.
• De brodiorum usu, & honestate Chopinandi, per Sylvestrem prioratem Jacobinum.
• The Coosened, or Gulled in Court.
• The Frail of the Scriveners.
• The Marriage-packet.
• The Cruzie, or Crucible of Contemplation.
• The Flimflams of the Law.
• The Prickle of Wine.
• The Spurre of Cheese.
• ... Ruboffatorium scolarium.
• ...

• ... Tartaretus de modo cacandi.
• The Bravades of Rome.
• ... Bricot de differentiis souparum.
• The Tail-piece Cushion, or Close-Breech of Discipline.
• The cobbled Shoe of Humility.
• The Trevet of good Thoughts.
• The Kettle of Magnanimity▪
• The cavilling Intanglements of Confessors.
• The Knachfare of the Curates.
• Reverendi patris fratris Lubini provincialis Ba∣vardia, de croquendis, lardonibus libri tres.
• Pasquilli doctoris marmorei de capreolis cum chardoneta comedendis tempore Papali ab Ec∣clesia interdicto.
• The Invention of the Holy Cross, personated by six wilie Priests.
• The Spectacles of Pilgrims bound for Rome.
• ... Majoris de modo faciendi Puddinos.
• The Bag-pipe of the Prelates.
• Beda de optimitate triparum.
• The Complaint of the Barresters upon the Re∣formation of Confites.
• The furred Cat of the Solicitors and Attor∣neys.
• Of Pease and Bacon cum Commento.
• The small Vales, or drinking Money of the In∣dulgences.
• Praeclarissimi juris utriusque Doctoris Maistre pilloti, &c.
• ... Raque denari de bobelinandis glassaccursianae Triflis repetitio enucidiluculissima.
• ...

• Stratagemata francharchaeri de Baniolet.
• Carlbumpkinus de re militari, cum figuris Te∣voti.
• De usu & utilitate flayandi equos & equas, au∣thore Magistro nostro de quebecu.
• The Sawciness of Country-Stuarts.
• M. N. Rostocostojan Bedanesse de mustarda post prandium servienda, libri quatuor decim apostillati, per M. Vaurillonis.
• The Covillage or Ballock-Money of Promoo∣ters.
• Quaestio subtilissima, utrum Chimaera in vacuo bombistans posset comedere secundas intentio∣nes, & fuit debatuta per decem hebdomadas in Consilio Constantiensi.
• The Bridle-champer of the Advocates.
• Smutchudlamenta Scoti.
• The Rasping and hard Scraping of the Cardi∣nals. De calcaribus removendis Decades un∣decim, per M. Albericum de rosata.
• ... Ejusdem de castramentandis criminibus, libri tres.
• The entrance of Antonie de leve into the Terri∣tories of Brasil.
• ... Marforii Bacalarii cubantis Roma, de peelandis aut unskinnandis blurrandisque Cardinalium mulis.
• The said Author's Apology against those who alledg that the Popes Mule doth eat but à ses Hours.
• Prognosticatio quae incipit Silvitrique-billobalata, per M. N. Longecrusion.
• ...

• Bondarini Episcopi de emulgentiarum profecti∣bus Aeneades novem, cum privilegio Papali ad triennium & postea non.
• The Shitabranna of the Maids.
• The bald Arse of the Widows.
• The Cowle or Capouch of the Monks.
• The mumbling Brimborions of the Coelestine Friars.
• The Passage-toll of Beggarliness.
• The Teeth-chatter or Gum-didder of lubberly Lusks.
• The Paring-shovel of the Theologues.
• The Drench-horn of the Masters of Arts.
• The Scullians of Oleam the uninitiated Clerk.
• ... Magistri N. Fripe saucetis de grabellationibus horarum canonicarum libri quadriginta. Cul∣le butatorium confratriarum, incerto authore.
• The Rasher of Cormorants.
• The Rammishness of the Spaniards, supergi∣vure-gondigaded by Friar Indigo.
• The Muttring of pitiful Wretches.
• Paltronismus rerum Italicarum, authore Magi∣stro Burnegad.
• ... R. Lullius de batisfolagiis Principum.
• Calibistratorium caffardiae, authore M. Jacobo Hocstraten hereticometrâ.
• Codtickler de magistro nostrandorum magistro nostratorúmque beneventi librî octo galan∣tissimi.
• The Crackarades of Bullists, Copists, Scrive∣ners, Clerks, Abbreviators, Notaries and Reporters, lately compiled by Regis.
• ...

• A perpetual Almanack for those that have the Gout and the Pox.
• Manera sweepandi fornacellos, per Mag. Ec∣ciam.
• The Shable or Cimeterre of Merchants.
• The Pleasures of the Monachal Life.
• The Hotch-pot of Hypocrites.
• The History of the Hobgoblins.
• The ragamuffianisme of the pensionary maim∣ed Souldiers.
• The gulling Fibs of Commissaries.
• The Litter of Treasurers.
• The Iuglingatorium of Sophisters.
• ... Antipericata metanaparbeuged amphisistationes Merdicantium.
• The Periwinkle of Ballad-makers.
• The Push-forward of the Alchimists.
• The Niddy Noddy of the Sachel-loaded Seek∣ers, by Friar Bindfastatis.
• The Shackles of Religion.
• The Racket of Swag-waggers.
• The Leaning-stock of old Age.
• The muzzle of Nobility.
• The Apes pater noster.
• The Crickets and Hawks-Bells of Devotion.
• The Pot of the Ember-weeks.
• The Mortar of the politick Life.
• The Flap of the Hermites.
• The Riding-hood of the Penitentiaries.
• The Trictrac of the knocking Friars.
• Blockheadodus de vita & honestate bragado∣chiorum.
• ...

• Lyrippii Sorbonici moralisationes, per M. Lu∣poldum.
• The Carrier-horse-Bells of Travellers.
• The Bibbings of the tipling Bishops.
• Terrabilitiones Doctorum Coloniensium ad ver∣sus Reuclin.
• The Cymbals of Ladies.
• The Dungers martingale.
• ... Whirlingfriskorum Chasemarkerorum, per fra∣trem Crackwoodloguetis.
• The clouted Patches of a stout Heart.
• The Mummery of the Robin-good-fellows.
• Gerson de auferibilitate Papae ab Ecclesia.
• The Catalogue of the nominated and gradua∣ted Persons.
• Jo. Dyrebrodii de terribilitate excommunicatio∣nis libellus acephalos.
• Ingeniositas invocandi diabolos & diabolas, per M. Guingolphum.
• The Gallimafree of the perpetually begging Friars.
• The Morris-dance of the Hereticks.
• The Whinings of Cajetan.
• Muddisnowt Doctoris cherubici de origine rough∣footedarum & wryneckedorum ritibus, libri septem.
• Sixty nine fat Breviaries.
• The Night-Mare of the five Orders of Beg∣gars.
• The Skinnery of the new Start-ups extracted out of the fallow Butt, incornifistibulated upon in the Summa Angelica.
• ...

• The Raver in Cases of Conscience.
• The fat Belly of the Presidents.
• The baffling Flowter of the Abbots.
• Sutoris adversus eum qui vocaver at eum frippo∣natorem, & quod fripponatores non sunt dam∣nati ab Ecclesia.
• ...Cacatorium medicorum.
• The Chimney-sweeper of Astrology.
• ...Campi clysteriorum per paragraph. C.
• The Bumsquibcracker of Apothecaries.
• The Kiss-breech of Chirurgery.
• Justitianus de whiteleperotis tollendis.
• ...Antidotarium animae.
• Merlinus Coccaius de patria diabolorum.

Of which Library some Books are already printed, and the rest are now at the Press, in this noble City of Tubinge.

CHAP. VIII. How Pantagruel being at Paris, received Let∣ters from his Father Gargantua, and the Copy of them.

PAntagruel studied very hard, as you may well conceive, and profited accordingly; for he had an excellent Understanding and notable Wit, together with a Capacity in Me∣mory, equal to the measure of twelve Oil-Budgets, or Buts of Olives. And as he was

there abiding one Day, he received a Letter from his Father in manner as followeth.

Most dear Son,

Amongst the Gifts, Graces and Preroga∣tives with which the Soveraign Plasmator God Almighty hath endowed and adorned Human Nature at the beginning, that seems to me most singular and excellent, by which we may in a mortal Estate attain to a kind of Immortality, and in the Course of this tran∣sitory Life perpetuate our Name and Seed; which is done by a Progeny issued from us in the lawful Bonds of Matrimony: whereby that, in some measure, is restored unto us, which was taken from us by the Sin of our first Parents; to whom it was said, that be∣cause they had not obeyed the Command∣ment of God their Creator, they should die, and by Death should be brought to nought that so stately Frame and Plasmature, where∣in the Man at first had been created.

But by this means of seminal Propagation, which continueth in the Children what was lost in the Parents, and in the Grand-chil∣dren that which perished in their Fathers, and so successively until the Day of the last Judg∣ment, when Iesus Christ shall have rendred up to God the Father his Kingdom in a peaceable Condition, out of all Danger and Contamination of Sin: for then shall cease all Generations and Corruptions, and the Ele∣ments

leave off their continual Transmutati∣ons; seeing the so much desired Peace shall be attained unto and enjoyed, and that all things shall be brought to their End and Pe∣riod. And therefore not without just and rea∣sonable cause do I give thanks to God my Saviour and Preserver, for that he hath in∣abled me to see my bald old Age reflourish in thy Youth: for when at his good Pleasure, who rules and governs all things, my Soul shall leave this mortal Habitation; I shall not account my self wholly to die, but to pass from one place unto another: Consi∣dering that in and by that, I continue in my visible Image living in the World, visiting and conversing with People of Honour, and other my good Friends, as I was wont to do. Which Conversation of mine, although it was not without Sin, (because we are all of us Trespassers, and therefore ought continually to beseech his Divine Majesty, to blot our Transgressions out of his Memory) yet was it by the Help and Grace of God, without all manner of reproach before Men.

Wherefore if those Qualities of the Mind but shine in thee, wherewith I am endowed, as in thee remaineth the perfect Image of my Body, thou wilt be esteemed by all Men to be the perfect Guardian and Treasure of the Im∣mortality of our Name: but if otherwise, I shall truly take but small pleasure to see it, considering that the lesser part of me, which

is the Body, would abide in thee: and the best, to wit, that which is the Soul, and by which our Name continues blessed amongst Men, would be degenerate and abastardized. This I do not speak out of any distrust that I have of thy Vertue, which I have heretofore already tried, but to encourage thee yet more earnestly to proceed from good to better. And that which I now write unto thee, is not so much that thou shouldest live in this ver∣tuous Course, as that thou shouldest rejoice in so living and having lived, and cheer up thy self with the like Resolution in time to come. To the Prosecution and Accomplish∣ment of which Enterprise and generous Un∣dertaking, thou mayest easily remember how that I have spared nothing, but have so help∣ed thee, as if I had had no other Treasure in this World, but to see thee once in my Life compleatly well bred and accomplished, as well in Vertue, Honesty and Valour, as in all liberal Knowledg and Civility: and so to leave thee after my Death, as a Mirror, re∣presenting the Person of me thy Father; and if not so excellent, and such indeed as I do wish thee, yet such in Desire.

But although my deceased Father, of happy Memory, Grangousier, had bent his best Endea∣vours to make me profit in all Perfection and Political Knowledg, and that my Labour and Study was fully correspondent to, yea, went beyond his Desire; nevertheless, as

thou mayest well understand, the time then was not so proper and fit for Learning as it is at present, neither had I plenty of such good Masters as thou hast had: for that time was darksom, obscured with Clouds of Ignorance, and savouring a little of the Infelicity and Ca∣lamity of the Gothes, who had, where-ever they set footing, destroyed all good Literature, which in my Age hath by the Divine Good∣ness been restored unto its former Light and Dignity, and that with such Amend∣ment and Increase of Knowledg, that now hardly should I be admitted unto the first Form of the little Grammar School-Boys: I say, I, who in my youthful days was (and that justly) reputed the most Learned of that Age. Which I do not speak in vain-boasting, although I might lawfully do it in writing unto thee, by the Authority of Marcus Tul∣lius, in his Book of Old Age, and the Sen∣tence of Plutarch, in the Book, intituled, How a Man may praise himself without Envy: but to give thee an emulous Encouragement to strive yet further.

Now is it that the Minds of Men are qua∣lified with all manner of Discipline, and the old Sciences revived, which for many Ages were extinct: Now it is that the learned Lan∣guages are to their pristine Purity restored▪ viz. Greek, (without which a Man may be ashamed to account himself a Scholar) He∣brew, Arabick, Chaldaean and Latin. Pri••••∣ing

likewise is now in use, so elegant, and so correct, that better cannot be imagined, al∣though it was found out but in my time by Divine Inspiration; as by a Diabolical Sug∣gestion, on the other side, was the Invention of Ordnance. All the World is full of knowing Men, of most learned School-masters, and vast Libraries: and it appears to me as a Truth, that neither in Plato's time, nor Cicero's, nor Papinian's, there was ever such conveniency for Studying, as we see at this Day there is▪ Nor must any adventure henceforward to come in publick, or represent himself in Com∣pany, that hath not been pretty well polished in the Shop of Minerva. I see Robbers, Hang∣men, Free-booters, Tapsters, Ostlers, and such like, of the very Rubbish of the People, more learned now, than the Doctors and Preachers were in my time.

What shall I say? The very Women and Children have aspired to this Praise and Cele∣stial Manna of good Learning: Yet so it is, that in the Age I am now of, I have been con∣strained to learn the Greek Tongue, which I contemned not like Cato, but had not the Lea∣sure in my younger Years to attend the Stu∣dy of it. And I take much delight in the read∣ing of Plutarch's Morals, the pleasant Dia∣logues of Plato, the Monuments of Pau∣sanias, and the Antiquities of Athenaeus, whilst I wait the Hour wherein God my Cre∣ator shall call me, and command me to depart

from this Earth and transitory Pilgrimage. Wherefore (my Son) I admonish thee, to imploy thy Youth to profit as well as thou canst, both in thy Studies and in Vertue. Thou art at Paris, where the laudable Ex∣amples of many brave Men may stir up thy Mind to gallant Actions; and hast like∣wise for thy Tutor the Learned Epistemon, who by his lively and vocal Documents may in∣struct thee in the Arts and Sciences.

I intend, and will have it so, that thou learn the Languages perfectly. First of all, the Greek, as Quintilian will have it. Secondly, the Latin; and then the Hebrew, for the Holy Scripture-sake. And then the Chaldee and A∣rabick likewise. And that thou frame thy stile in Greek in imitation of Plato; and for the Latin, after Cicero. Let there be no History which thou shalt not have ready in thy Memory; and to help thee therein, the Books of Cosmography will be very conducible. Of the liberal Arts of Geometry, Arithmetick and Musick, I gave thee some taste when thou wert yet little, and not above five or six Years old; proceed further in them, and learn the Remainder if thou canst. As for Astronomy, study all the Rules thereof; let pass nevertheless the divining and judicial Astrology, and the Art of Lullius, as being nothing else but plain Cheat and Vanities. As for the Civil Law, of that I would have thee to know the Texts by heart, and then to confer them with Philosphy.

Now in matter of the Knowledg of the Works of Nature, I would have thee to stu∣dy that exactly; and that so there be no Sea, River or Fountain, of which thou dost not know the Fishes; all the Fowls of the Air, all the several kinds of Shrubs and Trees, whe∣ther in Forests or Orchards: All the Sorts of Herbs and Flowers that grow upon the Ground: all the various Metals that are hid within the bowels of the Earth: together with all the diversity of precious Stones, that are to be seen in the Orient and South-parts of the World; let nothing of all these be hidden from thee. Then fail not most carefully to peruse the Books of the Greek, Arabian and Latin Physicians; not despising the Talmu∣dists and Cabalists; and by frequent Ana∣tomies get thee the perfect Knowledg of the Microcosm, which is Man. And at some Hours of the Day, apply thy Mind to the Study of the Holy Scriptures: first in Greek, the New-Testament with the Epistles of the Apostles; and then the Old-Testament in Hebrew. In brief, Let me see thee an Abyss, and bot∣tomless-Pit of Knowledg: for from hence∣forward, as thou growest great and becomest a Man, thou must part from this Tranquillity and Rest of Study: thou must learn Chival∣ry, Warfare, and the Exercises of the Field, the better thereby to defend my House and our Friends, and to succour and protect them at all their Needs against the Invasion and As∣saults of Evil-doers.

Furthermore, I will that very shortly thou try how much thou hast profited, which thou canst not better do than by maintaining pub∣lickly Theses and Conclusions in all Arts, a∣gainst all Persons whatsoever, and by haun∣ting the Company of learned Men, both at Pa∣ris and otherwhere. But because, as the wise Man Solomon saith, Wisdom entreth not into a malicious Mind; and that Science without Conscience is but the Ruin of the Soul, it behoveth thee to serve, to love, to fear God, and on him to cast all thy Thoughts and all thy Hope, and by Faith formed in Charity, to cleave unto him, so that thou mayest ne∣ver be separated from him by thy Sins. Su∣spect the Abuses of the World: set not thy Heart upon Vanity; for this Life is transitory, but the Word of the Lord endureth for ever. Be serviceable to all thy Neighbours, and love them as thy self: reverence thy Praeceptors; shun the Conversation of those whom thou de∣sirest not to resemble, and receive not in vain the Graces which God hath bestowed upon thee. And when thou shalt see that thou hast attained to all the Knowledg that is to be acquired in that part, return unto me, that I may see thee, and give thee my Blessing before I die. My Son, the Peace and Grace of our Lord be with thee.

Amen.

From Vtopia the 17th Day of the Month of March.

Thy Father Gargantua.

These Letters being received and read, Pan∣tagruel pluck'd up his Heart, took a fresh Cou∣rage to him, and was inflamed with a Desire to profit in his Studies more than ever: so that if you had seen him, how he took Pains, and how he advanced in Learning, you would have said that the Vivacity of his Spirit amidst the Books, was like a great Fire amongst dry Wood; so active it was, vigorous and inde∣fatigable.

CHAP. IX. How Pantagruel found Panurge, whom he lo∣ved all his life-time.

ONe Day as Pantagruel was taking a Walk without the City, towards St. Anthony's Abby, discoursing and philosophating with his own Servants and some other Scholars, met with a young Man of a very comely Stature, and surpassing Handsom in all the Lineaments of his Body, but in several parts thereof most pitifully wounded; in such bad Equipage in matter of his Apparel, which was but Totters and Rags, and every way so far out of order, that he seemed to have been a fighting with Mastiff-dogs, from whose Fury he had made an Escape; or to say better, he looked, in the Condition wherein he then was, like an Apple-gatherer of the Country of Perche.

As far off as Pantagruel saw him, he said to those that stood by, Do you see that Man there, who is a coming hither upon the Road from Charanton-Bridg? by my Faith, he is only poor in Fortune; for I may assure you, that by his Physiognomy it appeareth, that Na∣ture hath extracted him from some rich and noble Race, and that too much Curiosity hath thrown him upon Adventures, which possibly have reduced him to this Indigence, Want and Penury. Now as he was just amongst them, Pantagruel said unto him, Let me intreat you (Friend) that you may be pleased to stop here a little, and answer me to that which I shall ask you, and I am confident you will not think your Time ill bestowed: for I have an extream Desire (according to my Ability) to give you some Supply in this Distress where∣in I see you are; because I do very much commiserate your case, which truly moves me to great pity: Therefore (my Friend) tell me, Who you are? whence you come? whither you go? what you desire? and what your Name is? The Companion answered him in the Dutch Tongue, thus;

Yunker gott geb euch gluck und heil; ••urwa•• liebor yunker, ich las euch wi••••en das dar mich wungraft, ist ein arm und erbamlich ding, und wer wol darvon Zusagen welches euch verdrus∣f••ich Zuceten, und mer zuerzelen wer, wiewol die Poeten und Oratores vortzeiten habengesag•• in item sprichen: und sentenzen das die gedeckt∣nus

des ellendz und armut vortangs erlitten, ist ein grosser lust. My Friend (said Pantagruel) I have no skill in that Gibberish of yours; there∣fore, if you would have us to understand you, speak to us in some other Language: then did the Drole answer him thus.

Albarildim gotfano dechmin brin alabo dor∣dio falbroth ringuam albaras; nin porthzadi∣kin almucatin milko prin alelmin en thoth dal∣heben enfuim: kuthim alidum alkaim nimbroth deehoth porth min michais im endoch, pruch dal maisulum hol moth dansrihim lupaldas im vol∣democh. Nim hur diavoth mnarbotim dal gousch palfrapin duch imscoth pruch galeth dal chinon min foulchrich al conin buthathen doth dal prim. Do you understand none of this, said Pantagruel to the Company? I believe (said Epistemon) that this is the Language of the Antipodes, and such a hard one that the Devil himself knows not what to make of it. Then, said Pantagruel, Gossip, I know not if the Walls do comprehend the Meaning of your words, but none of us here doth so much as understand one Syllable of them: Then said my Blade again,

Signor mio voi vedete per essempio che la cornemusa non suona mai, se non ha il ventre pi∣eno: cosi io parimente non vi so contrare le mie fortune, se prima il tribulato ventre non ha la folita refectione: alquale è adviso che le mani e li denti abbi perso il loro ordine naturale, e del tutto annichilati. To which Epistemon an∣swered

as much of the one as of the other, and nothing of either. Then said Panurge;

My Lord, if the Generosity of your Mind be sutable to your Body, you would naturally have pity of me. For Nature made us equal▪ But Fortune has exalted some, and other∣some has depressed. Nevertheless, though Vertue is despised, and worthy Men depres∣sed; yet till the end none can be pronounced happy.

Yet less said Pantagruel: Then said my jolly Panurge;

Iona andie gaussa goussy etan beharda er re∣medio beharde vel sela ysser landa. Aubar es o∣toy yes nausu ey nessassu gourray propposiam ordine den. Non yssena bayte facheria egabe gen herassy badea sadassu noura assia: Aram hon davan gaulde cydassu nydassuna estou oussye ecvinausou∣ry hin er darstura eguy harm: Genicoa plasan va∣du. Are you there (said Eudemon) Genicoa? To this (said Carpalin), St. Trinian's Rammer unstitch your Bum, for I had almost under∣stood it. Then answered Panurge;

Prug frest frinst sorgdmand strochdi dthds pag breleland gravot chavygni pomardiere rusth pkalldracg devinier a pras. Nays; beville bal∣much monach drupp del meupplist rinc{que} drind dodelp up drent loch mine stzincq jald de vins ders cordelis bur jocst stzampenards. Do you speak Christian, (said Epistemon) or the Gyp∣sey Language? Nay it is all Banter, said ano∣ther. Then said Panurge;

Her re je sprexe andeers gheen taele dan ker∣sten taele my dunc nocoans, al en seg je met een ubord, myven noot velaert glenouch bbat re beglere gheest my unyt bet mhet richeyt yet waer un je ghevoet mach zunch: To which answered Pantagruel, as much of that. Then said Pa∣nurge;

Sennor de tanto hablar yo soy cansado, porque supplico av••estra excellencia que mire alos pre∣cettos Evangelicos, para que ellos muevan vu∣estra excellencia a lo que es de consciencia, ysi∣ellos no bastaren paramo ver vuesa excellencia apiedad, supplico qué mire a la piedad natural, laqual yo creoque le mova, como es de razon, y concesso, no digo mas? Truly (my Friend) I doubt not but you can speak divers Langua∣ges; but tell us that which you would have us to do for you in some Tongue, which you conceive we may understand. Then said the Companion;

Myn her, reendog ieg met ingen tunge talede; lyge som boeen, oeg usk wlig creatuer: mine clee bon och my me legioms mager heb xv duy∣fer alliguck lalig hwad tyng mog meest behoff riteres somaer sandeligh mad och dryck: hwar for forbar me regom lyder offuer megoch besael argyffua meg nogeth off haylketieg kad styre myne groeendes mach lygeruss son mand Cer∣bero en Souppesor setihr: soa schal fue loeffue le••ge ockyk salitgth. I think really (said Eust∣henes) that the Gothes spoke thus of old: and that, if it pleased God, we would all of us

speak so with our Taile. Then again said Pa∣nurge▪

Adon seolom lechai in ischar harob hal heb∣deca bimeheroh thithé li kikar lehem: chau∣char ublaah aldonaicho néral. To which an∣swered Epistemon, At this time have I under∣stood him very well; for it is the Hebrew Tongue most Rhetorically pronounced. Then again said the Gallant;

Eust•• garnancei monon logusin hina pragma∣ta (hem peri emphibetumen) me prophoros epi∣phe••••••e: What? (said Carpalim, Pantagruel's Foot-man) it is Greek, I have understood him: and how? hast thou dwelt any while in Greece? Then said the Drole again;

Agonou d••nt oussys vous desdaignez algaron: nou denfaron zamist vous mariston ulbron, fousquez voubrol tam bredaguez maupreton den goulhoust daguez daguez non croupys fost bardonnoffist nougrou: agou paston tol nal∣brol prissys hourtou los echatonous, prou dehou∣guys brol pany gouden bascrou noudous caguon•• goutfrengoul oustato••ppassou? Methinks I un∣derstand him (said Pantagruel); for either it is the Language of my Country of Vtopia, or sounds very like it. And as he was about to have begun some Argument, the Companion said;

Iam toties vos per saera, p••rque deos de asque omnes obtestat•••• sum, ut si quae vos pietas per∣movet, egestatem meam sola••emini net hilu•••• proficio clamant & 〈◊〉〈◊〉: si nite, quaeso, s••∣ni••e, vi••i impii, qu•• mo fa•• a v••cant abite: nec

ultrà vanis vestris interpellationibus obtunda∣tis, memores veteris illius adagii, quo venter famelicus auriculis carere dicitur. Well, my Friend, (said Pantagruel) but cannot you speak French? That I can do (Sir) very well, (said the Companion) God be thanked: it is my Natural Language and Mother-Tongue, for I was born and bred in my younger Years in the Garden of France, to wit, Tou∣raine. Then (said Pantagruel) tell us what is your Name, and from whence you are come; for by my Faith, I have already stamped in my Mind such a deep Impression of Love to∣wards you, that if you will condescend unto my Will, you shall not depart out of my Com∣pany, and you and I shall make up another Couple of Friends, such as Aeneas and Achates were. Sir, (said the Companion) my true and proper Christian Name is Panurge; and now I come out of Turky, to which Country I was carried away Prisoner at that time, when they went to Metelin with a Mischief: And w•• l∣lingly would I relate unto you my Fortunes, which are more wonderful than those of V∣lysses were; but seeing that it pleaseth you to retain me with you, I most heartily accept of the Offer, protesting never to leave you, should you go to all the Devils in Hell. We shall have therefore more Leisure at another time, and a fitter Opportunity wherein to re∣port them; for at this present I am in a very urgent necessity to feed, my Teeth are sharp,

my Belly empty, my Throat dry, and my Sto∣mach fierce and burning; all is ready, if you will but set me to work: It will be as good as a Balsamum for sore Eyes, to see me gulch and raven it; for God's sake give order for it. Then Pantagruel commanded that they should carry him home, and provide him good store of Victuals; which being done, he ate very well that Evening, and (Capon-like) went early to Bed, then slept until Dinner-time the next Day; so that he made but three Steps and one Leap from the Bed to the Board.

CHAP. X. How Pantagruel decided a Cause which was wonderfully intricate and obscure: whereby he was reputed to have a most admirable Iudgment.

PAntagruel very well remembring his Fa∣ther's Letter and Admonitions, would one Day make trial of his Knowledg. Thereupon, in all the Carresours, Streets and Corners of the City, he set up Conclusions to the number of nine thousand seven hundred sixty and four, in all manner of Learning, touching in them the har∣dest Doubts that are in any Science. And first of all, in the Fodder-street he held dispute against all the Regents, Artists and Orators, and did so gallantly, that he overthrew them, and set them

all upon their Tails. He went afterwards to the Sorbon, where he maintained Argument against all the Theologians, for the space of six Weeks, from four a Clock in the Morning until six in the Evening, except an Interval of two Hours to refresh themselves, and take their Repast. And at this were present the greatest part of the Lords of the Court, the Masters of Requests, Presidents, Counsellors, those of the Accompts, Secretaries, Advocates and others: As also the Sheriffs of the said Town, with the Physicians and Professors of the Canon-Law. Amongst which, it is to be remarked, that the greatest part were resty and head-strong, and in their Opinions obstinate; but he took such course with them, that for all their Ergoes and Falla∣cies, he put their Backs to the Wall, gravelled them in the deepest Questions, and made it vi∣sibly appear to the World, that compared to him, they were but Monkies, and a Knot of muffled Calves. Whereupon every Body be∣gan to keep a bustling Noise, and talk of his so marvellous Knowledg, through all degrees of Persons in both Sexes, even to the very Laun∣dresses, Brokers, Rostmeat-sellers, Penknife-makers and others; who, when he past along in the Street, would say, This is he; in which he took delight, as Demosthenes, the Prince of Greek Orators did, when a mumping old Hag, pointing at him with her Fingers, said, This is the Man.

Now at this same very time there was a Suit in Law, depending in Court between two great Lords, of which one was called my Lord Kissebreech, Plaintiff, of one side; and the other my Lord Suckfist, Defendant, of the other; whose Controversy was so high and difficult in Law, that the Court of Parliament could make nothing of it. And therefore by the Com∣mandment of the King, there were assembled four of the greatest, and most learned of all the Parliaments of France, together with the great Councel, and all the principal Regents of the Universities, not only of France, but of Eng∣land also and Italy, such as Iason, Philippus-Decius, Petrus de Petronibus, and a Rabble of other old Rabanists. Who being thus met together, after they had thereupon consulted for the space of six and forty Weeks, finding that they could not fasten their Teeth in it, nor with such clearness understand the Case, as that they might in any manner of way be able to right it, or take up the Difference betwixt the two aforesaid Parties, it did so grievously vex them, that they most villanously conshit themselves for shame. In this great Extremity, one amongst them named Du Douhait, the learnedst of all, and more expert and prudent than any of the rest, whilst one Day they were thus at their Wits end, all-to-be-dunced and philogrobolized in their Brains, said unto them; We have been here (my Masters) good long space without doing any thing else, than trifle

away both Time and Money, and can ne∣vertheless find neither Brim nor Bottom in this Matter: for the more we study about it, the less we understand therein, which is a great Shame and Disgrace to us, and a heavy Burthern to our Consciences; yea such, that in my Opinion we shall not rid our selves of it without Dishonour, unless we take some other course; for we do nothing but dote in our Consultations.

See therefore what I have thought upon: You have heard much talking of that worthy Personage named Master Pantagruel, who hath been found to be learned above the Capacity of this present Age, by the Proofs he gave in those great Disputations, which he held pub∣lickly against all Men. My Opinion is, that we send for him, to confer with him about this Business; for never any Man will encompass the bringing of it to an end, if he do it not.

Hereunto all the Counsellors and Doctors willingly agreed, and according to that their Result, having instantly sent for him, they in∣treated him to be pleased to canvass the Pro∣cess, and sift it throughly; that after a deep Search and narrow Examination of all the Points thereof, he might forthwith make the Report unto them, such as he shall think good in true and legal Knowledg. To this effect they delivered into his Hands the Bags where∣in were the Writs and Pancarts concerning that Suit, which for Bulk and Weight were

almost enough to lade four great stoned Asses. But Pantagruel said unto them, Are the two Lords, between whom this Debate and Pro∣cess is, yet living? it was answered him, Yes: To what a Devil then (said he) serve so many paultry Heaps, and Bundles of Papers and Co∣pies which you give me? Is it not better to hear their Controversy from their own Mouths, whilst they are Face to Face before us, than to read these vile Fopperies, which are nothing but Chicaneries, Deceits, diabolical Cozenages of Cepola, pernicious Slights, and Subversions of Equity? For I am sure, that you, and all those through whose Hands this Process hath past, have by your Devices added what you could to it pro & contra; in such sort, that although their Difference perhaps was clear and easy enough to determine at first, you have perplexed and puzzl'd the Cause, by the frivolous, sottish, unreasonable, and foolish Reasons and Opini∣ons of Accursius, Baldus, Bartolus, de Castro, de Imola, Hippolytus, Panormo, Bertachin, A∣lexander, Curtius, and those other old Ma∣stiffs, who never understood the least Law of the Pandects, they being but meer Block∣heads and great Tithe-calves, ignorant of all that which was needful for the understanding of the Laws. For (as it is most certain) they had not the Knowledg either of the Greek or La∣tin Tongue, but only of the Gothick and Bar∣barian. The Laws nevertheless were first taken from the Greeks, according to the Testi∣mony

of Vlpian. l. poster. de origine juris, which we likewise may perceive by that all the Laws are full of Greek Words and Senten∣ces. And then we find that they are reduced into a Latin Stile, the most elegant and or∣nate, that whole Language is able to afford, without excepting that of any that ever wrote therein; nay, not of Salust, Varro, Cicero, Seneca, Titus Livius, nor Quintilian. How then could these old Dotards be able to under∣stand aright the Text of the Laws, who never in their time had looked upon a good Latin Book, as doth evidently enough appear by the Rudeness of their Stile; which is fitter for a Chimney-sweeper, a Cook or a Scullion, than for a Iurisconsult and Doctor in the Laws?

Furthermore; Seeing the Laws are excerp∣ted out of the middle of Moral and Natural Philosophy, how should these Fools have un∣derstood it, that have by G— studied less in Philosophy than my Mule? in respect of Humane Learning, and the Knowledg of An∣tiquities and Histories, they were truly laden with those Faculties as a Toad is with Fea∣thers: and yet of all this the Laws are so full, that without it they cannot be under∣stood; as I intend more fully to shew unto you in a peculiar Treatise, which on that pur∣pose I am about to publish. Therefore if you will that I meddle in this Process; First, cause all these Papers to be burnt: Secondly, Make the two Gentlemen come personally before

me; and afterwards, when I shall have heard them, I will tell you my Opinion freely with∣out any Fiction or Dissimulation whatsoever.

Some amongst them did contradict this Motion, as you know that in all Companies there are more Fools than wise Men, and that the greater part always surmounts the bet∣ter; as saith Titus Livius, in speaking of the Carthaginians. But the foresaid Du Douhait held the contrary Opinion, maintaining that Pantagruel had said well, and what was right, in affirming that these Records, Bills of In∣quest, Replies, Rejoinders, Exceptions, Depo∣sitions, and other such Diableries of Truth-intangling Writs, were but Engines where∣with to overthrow Justice, and unnecessarily to prolong such Suits as did depend before them; and that therefore the Devil would car∣ry them all away to Hell, if they did not take another Course, and proceeded not in times coming according to the Prescripts of Evan∣gelical and Philosophical Equity. In fine, all the Papers were burnt, and the two Gentle∣men summoned and personally convented. At whose Appearance before the Court, Pan∣tagruel said unto them, Are you they that have this great Difference betwixt you? Yes, (my Lord) said they. Which of you (said Pantagruel) is the Plaintiff? It is I, said my Lord Kissebreech. Go too then, my Friend, (said he) and relate your Matter unto me from Point to Point, according to the real Truth, or

else (by Cocks Body) if I find you to lie so much as in one word, I will make you shorter by the Head, and take it from off your Shoul∣ders, to shew others by your Example, that in Justice and Judgment Men ought to speak nothing but the Truth; therefore take heed you do not add nor impair any thing in the Narration of your Case. Begin.

CHAP. XI. How the Lords of Kissebreech and Suckfist, did plead before Pantagruel without Advocates.

THen began Kissebreech in manner as followeth: My Lord, it is true, that a good Woman of my House carried Eggs to the Market to sell. Be covered Kissebreech, said Pantagruel. Thanks to you, my Lord, said the Lord Kissebreech: But to the purpose, There passed betwixt the two Tropicks, the Sum of three Pence towards the Zenith, and a half-penny; forasmuch as the Riph••an Moun∣tains had been that Year opprest with a great Sterility of counterfeit Gudgions, and shews without Substance, by means of the babling Tattle, and fond Fibs, seditiously raised be∣tween the Gibblegablers, and Accursian Gib∣berish-mongers, for the Rebellion of the Swis∣sers, who had assembled themselves to the full number of the Bum-bees, and Myrmidons,

to go a handsel-getting on the first Day of the new Year, at that very time when they give Brewis to the Oxen, and deliver the Key of the Coals to the Country-girls, for serving in of the Oats to the Dogs. All the Night long they did nothing else (keeping their Hands still upon the Pot) but dispatch Bulls a-foot, and Bulls a-horseback, to stop the Boats: for the Tailors and Sales-men would have made of the stollen Shreds a goodly Sagbut to cover the face of the Ocean, which then was great with Child of a Potful of Cabbidge, according to the Opinion of the Hay-bundle-makers: but the Physicians said, that by the Urine they could discern no manifest Sign of the Bustard's Pace, nor how to eat double-tongued Mat∣tocks with Mustard, unless the Lords and Gen∣tlemen of the Court should be pleased to give by B. mol express command to the Pox, not to run about any longer, in gleaning up of Copper-smiths and Tinkers; for the Jober∣nolls had already a pretty good beginning in their Dance of the British Gig, called the E∣strindore, to a perfect Diapason, with one Foot in the Fire, and their Head in the middle, as good Man Ragot was wont to say.

Ha, (my Masters) God moderates all things, and disposeth of them at his Pleasure; so that against unlucky Fortune a Carter broke his frisking Whip, which was all the Wind-In∣strument he had: this was done at his return from the little paultry Town, even then when

Master Amitus of Cresseplots was licentiated, and had past his Degrees in all Dullery and Blockishness, according to this Sentence of the Canonists, Beati Dunces, quoniam ipsi stumblaverunt. But that which makes Lent to be so high, by St. Fiacre of Bry, is for no∣thing else, but that the Pentecost never comes but to my cost: yet on afore there, hoe: a lit∣tle Rain stills a great Wind; and we must think so, seeing that the Serjeant hath pro∣pounded the Matter so far above my reach, that the Clerks and Secondaries could not with the Benefit thereof lick their Fingers feathered with Gaunders, so orbicularly, as they were wont in other things to do. And we do manifestly see, that every one acknow∣ledgeth himself to be in the Error, wherewith another hath been charged, reserving only those Cases whereby we are obliged to take an ocular Inspection in a prospective Glass of these things, towards the place in the Chim∣ney, where hangeth the Sign of the Wine of forty Girths, which have been always ac∣counted very necessary for the number of twenty Panels and Pack-saddles of the bank∣rupt Protectionaries of five Years respit: how∣soever, at least he that would not let fly the Fowl before the Cheese-cakes, ought in Law to have discovered his Reason why not; for the Memory is often lost with a wayward Shooing. Well, God keep Theobald Mitain from all danger. Then said Pantagruel, Hold

there: Ho, my Friend, soft and fair, speak at leisure, and soberly, without putting your self in choler: I understand the Case, go on. Now then, (my Lord) said Kissebreech, the foresaid good Woman, saying her gaudez and audinos, could not cover her self with a treacherous Back-blow, ascending by the Wounds and Pas∣sions of the Privileges of the University; un∣less by the Virtue of a Warming-pan she had angelically fomented every part of her Body, in covering them with a Hedg of Garden-Beds: then giving in a swift unavoidable Thrust very near to the place where they sell the old Rags, whereof the Painters of Flanders make great use, when they are about neatly to clap on Shoes on Grashoppers, Locusts, Cigals, and such like Fly-fowls; so strange to us, that I am wonderfully astonished why the World doth not lay, seeing it is so good to hatch.

Here the Lord of Suckfist would have in∣terrupted him and spoken somewhat; where∣upon Pantagruel said unto him, St, by St. Antho∣ny's Belly, doth it become thee to speak with∣out Command? I sweat here, and crack my Brain to understand the Proceeding of your mutual Difference, and yet thou comest to trouble and disquiet me. Peace, in the Devil's Name, Peace; thou shalt be permitted to speak thy Belly-full when this Man hath done, and no sooner. Go on, (said he to Kissebreech) speak calmly, and do not over-heat your self with too much haste.

I perceiving then (said Kissebreech) that the pragmatical Sanction did make no mention of it, and that the holy Pope to every one gave liberty to fart at his own ease, if that the Blankets had no Streaks, wherein the Liars were to be crossed with a Ruffian-like Crew: and the Rain-bow being newly sharpned at Milan to bring forth Larks, gave his full consent that the good Woman should tread down the Heel of the Hipgut-pangs, by virtue of a solemn Protestation put in by the little testiculated or codsted Fishes; which to tell the truth, were at that time very necessary for understand∣ing the Syntax and Construction of old Boots. Therefore Iohn Calfe, her Cousin-gervais once removed, with a Log from the Woodstack, ve∣ry seriously advised her not to put her self into the hazard of quagswagging in the Lee, to be scoured with a buck of Linen Clothes, till first she had kindled the Paper: this Coun∣sel she laid hold on, because he desired her to take nothing, and throw out, for Non de ponte vadit, qui cum sapientia cadit. Matters thus standing, seeing the Members of that Com∣mittee did not fully agree amongst themselves in casting up the number of the Almany Whi∣stles, whereof were framed those Spectacles for Princes, which have been lately printed at Antwerp. I must needs think that it makes a bad return of the Writ, and that the adverse Party is not to be believed, in sacer verbo dotis. For that having a great Desire to obey the

Pleasure of the King, I armed my self from Toe to Top with Belly-furniture, of the Soles of good Venison-pasties, to go see how my Grape-gatherers and Vintagers had pinked and cut full of small Holes their high Coped-caps, to lecher it the better, and play at in and in. And indeed the time was very dangerous in coming from the Fair, in so far that many trained Bow-men were cast at the Muster, and quite rejected, although the Chimney-tops were high enough, according to the proportion of the Windgalls, and the Malaunders Lami∣baudichon. And by this means there was that Year great abundance throughout all the Coun∣try of Artois, of tawny buzzing Beetles, to the no small profit of the Gentlemen-great-stick-faggot-carriers, when they did eat without dis∣daining the Cocklicranes, till their Belly was like to crack with it again. As for my part, such is my Christian Charity towards my Neighbours, that I could wish from my Heart every one had as good a Voice, it would make us play the better at the Tennis and the Baloon. And truly (my Lord) to express the real Truth without Dissimulation, I cannot but say, that those petty subtile Devices, which are found out in the etymologizing of Patins, would de∣scend more easily into the River of Seine, to serve for ever at the Millers-Bridg, as it was heretofore decreed by the King of the Canar∣rians, which is to be seen in the Registry and Records within the Clerks Office of this House.

And therefore (my Lord) I do most hum∣bly require, that by your Lordship there may be said and declared upon the Case what is reasonable, with Costs, Damages and Inte∣rest. Then said Pantagruel, My Friend, is this all you have to say? Kissebreech answered, Yes, (my Lord); for I have told all the tu∣autem, and have not varied at all upon mine Honour in so much as one single word. You then (said Pantagruel) my Lord of Suckfist, say what you will, and be brief, without omit∣ting nevertheless any thing that may serve to the purpose.

CHAP. XII. How the Lord of Suckfist pleaded before Pantagruel.

THen began the Lord Suckfist in manner as followeth: My Lord, and you my Masters, if the Iniquity of Men were as easily seen in categorical Judgment, as we can dis∣cern Flies in a Milk-pot, the World's four Oxen had not been so eaten up with Rats, nor had so many Ears upon the Earth been nibbled away so scurvily. For although all that my Adversary hath spoken be of Down, in so much as concerns the Letter and History of the Factum; yet nevertheless, the Subtilties, the Fineness, the little sly Intanglements are hid un∣der the Rose-pot.

Should I endure, that, when I am eating my Pottage, equal with the best, and that without either thinking or speaking any man∣ner of ill, they rudely come to vex, trouble, and perplex my Brains, ringing in my Ears that old Jingle,

He that will in his Pottage drink, When he is dead, shall not see one Wink.

And, good Lady! how many great Captains have we seen in the Day of Battel, when in open field the Sacrament was distributed in Lunchions of the sanctified Bread of the Con∣fraternity, the more honestly to nod their Heads, play on the Lute, crack with their Tails, and make pretty little platform Leaps? But now the World is unshackled from the Corners of the Packs of Leicester, one flies out lewdly and becomes debauch'd; another likewise five, four and two, and that at such random, that if the Court take not some course therein, it will make as bad a Season in mat∣ter of Gleaning this Year, as ever it made, or it will make Goblets. If any poor Creature go to the Stoves to illuminate his Muzzle with a Cow-shard, or to buy Winter-boots, and that the Serjeants passing by, or those of the Watch happen to receive the Decoction of a Clyster, or the fecal Matter of a Close-stool, upon their Rustling-wrangling-clutter-keep∣ing Masterships, should any because of that

make bold to clip the Shillings and Testers, and fry the wooden Dishes? Sometimes when we think one thing, God does another; and when the Sun is set, all Beasts are in the Shade. Let me never be believed again, if I do not gallantly prove it by several People that have seen the Light of the Day.

In the Year thirty and six, buying a Dutch Curtail, which was a middle siz'd Horse, both high and short, of a Wool good enough, and di∣ed in Grain, as the Gold-smiths assured me, al∣though the Notary put an &c. in it: I told re∣ally, that I was not a Clerk of so much Learn∣ing as to snatch at the Moon with my Teeth; but as for the Butter-firkin, where Vulcanian's Deeds and Evidences were sealed, the Rumour was, and the Report thereof went currant, that Salt-Beef will make one find the way to the Wine without a Candle, though it were hid in the bot∣tom of a Collier's Sack, and that with his Draw∣ers on he were mounted on a barbed Horse fur∣nished with a Fronstal, and such Arms, Thighs and Leg-pieces as are requisite for the well fry∣ing and broiling of a swaggering Sawciness. Here is a Sheep's Head, and it is well they make a Proverb of this, that it is good to see black Cows in burnt Wood, when one attains to the Enjoyment of his Love. I had a Consultation upon this Point with my Masters the Clerks, who for Resolution concluded in frisesomorum, that there is nothing like to mowing in the Summer, and sweeping clean away in Water,

well garnished with Paper, Ink, Pens and Pen∣knives of Lions upon the River of Rosne; do∣lopym dolop of, tarabin tarabas, tut prut pish: for incontinently after that Armour begins to smell of Garlick, the Rust will go near to eat the Liver, not of him that wears it; and then do they nothing else but withstand others Courses, and wry-neckedly set up their Bristles against one another, in lightly passing over their Afternoon's Sleep: and this is that which maketh Salt so dear. My Lords, believe not, when the said good Woman had with Bird∣lime, caught the shovelar Fowl, the better be∣fore a Serjeant's Witness, to deliver the younger Son's Portion to him, that the Sheep's Pluck, or Hog's Haslet, did dodg and shrink back in the Usurers Purses, or that there could be any thing better to preserve one from the Cannibals, than to take a Rope of Onions, knit with three hundred Turneps, and a little of a Calf's Chaldern of the best Allay that the Alchymists have: and that they lute and calcine these Pantoffles, muf in muf out. Mouflin mouflard, with the fine Sauce of the Juice of the Rabble∣rout, whilst they hide themselves in some petty Moldwarp-hole, saving always the Bacon. Now if the Dice will not favour you with any other Throw but Ambesace, and the Chance of three at the great end, mark well the Ace; then take me your Dame, settle her in a Corner of the Bed, and whisk me her up drille trille, there, there; then a hearty Draught of the best, de∣spicando

grenovillibus, in despight of the Frogs; whose fair course bebuskined Stockins shall be set apart for the little mued Goslings, which fatned in a Coop, take delight to sport them∣selves at the wagtail Game, waiting for the bea∣ting of the Metal, and heating of the Wax by the slavering Drivellers of Consolation.

Very true it is, that the four Oxen which are in debate, and whereof mention was made, were somewhat short in memory: nevertheless, to understand the gamme aright, they feared neither the Cormorant nor Mallard of Savoy, which put the good People of my Country in great hope, that their Children sometime should become very skilful in Algorism; therefore is it, that by a Law Rubrick and special Sentence thereof, that we cannot fail to take the Wolf, if we make our Hedges higher than the Wind∣mill, whereof somewhat was spoken by the Plaintiff. But the great Devil did envy it, and put the High-Dutch far behind, who played the Devils in swilling down and tipling at the good Liquor, trink meen heer, trink, trink, by two of my Table-men in the Corner-point I have gained the lurch; for it is not probable, nor is there any appearance of Truth in this Saying, That at Paris upon a little Bridg the Hen is proportionable: and were they as cop∣ped and high-crested as marish Whoops, if ve∣ritably they did not sacrifice the Printers Pum∣pet-balls at Moreb, with a new Edg set upon them by Text Letters, or those of a swift-wri∣ting

Hand, it is all one to me, so that the Head∣band of the Book breed not Moths or Worms in it. And put the case, that at the coupling together of the Buck-hounds, the little Puppies should have waxed proud before the Notary could have given an account of the Serving of his Writ by the Cabalistick Art, it will ne∣cessarily follow (under Correction of the bet∣ter Judgment of the Court) that six Acres of Medow-ground of the greatest breadth, will make three Butts of fine Ink, without paying ready Money. Considering that at the Fune∣ral of King Charles, we might have had the fathom in open market for Deuce-ace: this I may affirm with a safe Conscience upon my Oath of Wool.

And I see ordinarily in all good Bag-pipes, that when they go to the counterfeiting of the chirping of small Birds, by swinging a Broom three times about a Chimney, and putting his Name upon Record, they do nothing but bend a Cross-bow backward, and wind a Horn, if perhaps it be too hot, and that by making it fast to a Rope he was to draw, im∣mediately after the sight of the Letters, the Cows were restored to him. Such another Sentence after the homeliest Manner was pro∣nounced in the seventeenth Year, because of the bad Government of Louzefougarouse; whereunto it may please the Court to have regard. I desire to be rightly understood; for truly I say not, but that in all Equity, and with

an upright Conscience, those may very well be dispossest, who drink holy Water, as one would do a Weaver's Shuttle, whereof Sup∣positories are made to those that will not re∣sign, but on the terms of ell and tell, and gi∣ving of one thing for another. Tunc (my Lords) quid juris pro minoribus? for the com∣mon Custom of the Salick Law is such, that the first Incendiary or Fire-brand of Sedition, that flays the Cow, and wipes his Nose in a full Consort of Musick, without blowing in the Cobler's Stitches, should in the time of the Night-mare sublimate the Penury of his Mem∣ber by Moss gathered when People are like to founder themselves at the Mass at Mid-night, to give the Estrapade to these White-wines of Anjou, that do Gambetta, Neck to Neck, after the Fashion of Britany. Concluding as before with Costs, Damages and Interests.

After that the Lord of Suckfist had ended, Pantagruel said to the Lord of Kissebreech, My Friend, have you a mind to make any Reply to what is said? No, (my Lord) answered Kissebreech; for I have spoke all I intended, and nothing but the Truth, therefore put an end for God's sake to our Difference, for we are here at great Charge.

CHAP. XIII. How Pantagruel gave Iudgment upon the Dif∣ference of the two Lords.

THen Pantagruel rising up, assembled all the Presidents, Counsellors and Doctors that were there, and said unto them; Come now, (my Masters) you have heard (vivae vocis oraculo) the Controversy that is in question, what do you think of it? They an∣swered him, We have indeed heard it, but have not understood the Devil so much as one Cir∣cumstance of the Case; and therefore we be∣seech you unâ voce, and in courtesy request you, that you would give Sentence as you think good; and ex nunc prout ex tunc, we are satis∣fied with it, and do ratify it with our full Con∣sents. Well, my Masters (said Pantagruel) seeing you are so pleased, I will do it: but I do not truly find the Case so difficult as you make it: Your Paragraph Caton, the Law Frater, the Law Gallus, the Law Quinque pedum, the Law Vinum, the Law Si Dominus, the Law Mater, the Law Mulier bona, the Law Si quis, the Law Pomponius, the Law Fundi, the Law Emptor, the Law Praetor, the Law Venditor, and a great many others are far more intricate in my Opinion. After he had spoke this, he walked a turn or two about the Hall, plodding

very profoundly as one may think; for he did groan like an Ass, whilst they girth him too hard, with the very Intensiveness of considering how he was bound in Conscience to do right to both Parties, without varying or accepting of Persons. Then he returned, sate down, and be∣gan to pronounce Sentence as followeth:

Having seen, heard, calculated and well con∣sidered of the Difference between the Lords of Kissebreech and Suckfist; the Court saith unto them, that in regard of the sudden Shivering of the Flickermouse, bravely declining from the estival Solstice, to attempt by private means the surprizal of toyish Trifles in those, who are a little unwel for having taken a Draught too much, through the lewd Demeanour and Vex∣ation of the Beetles, that inhabit the Diarodal Climate of an hypocritical Ape on Horseback, bending a Cross-bow backwards. The Plain∣tiff truly had just cause to calfet, and stop the Chinks of the Gallion, which the good Wo∣man blew up with Wind, having one Foot shod and the other bare, re-imbursing and re∣storing to him low and stiff in his Conscience, as many Bladder-nuts and wild Pistaches as there is of Hair in eighteen Cows, with as much for the Embroiderer, and so much for that. He is likewise declared innocent of the Case pri∣vileged from the Knapdardies, into the danger whereof it was thought he had incurred; be∣cause he could not jocundly and with fulness of Freedom untruss and dung, by the decision of

a pair of Gloves perfumed with the Scent of Bum-gunshot, at the Walnut-tree Taper, as is usual in his Country of Mirobalois. Slacking therefore the Top-sail, and letting go the Bou∣lin with the Brazen-bullets, wherewith the Mariners did by way of Protestation bake in Paste-meat great store of Pulse, interquilted with the Dormouse, whose Hawks Bells were made with a puntinaria, after the manner of Hungary or Flanders Lace, and which his Bro∣ther-in-Law carried in a Panier, lying near to three Chevrons or bordered Gueules, whilst he was clean out of heart, drooping and crest∣fallen by the too narrow sifting, canvassing, and curious examining of the Matter, in the angu∣lary Dog-hole of nasty Scoundrels, from whence we shoot at the vermiformal Popingay, with the Flap made of a Fox-tail.

But in that he chargeth the Defendant, that he was a Botcher, Cheese-eater, and Trimmer of Man's Flesh imbalmed; which in the arsi∣versy swagfal tumble was not found true, as by the Defendant was very well discussed.

The Court therefore doth condemn and a∣merce him in three Poringers of Curds, well cemented and closed together, shining like Pearls, and cod-pieced after the Fashion of the Country, to be payed unto the said Defendant about the middle of August in May: but on the other part, the Defendant shall be bound to furnish him with Hay and Stubble, for stopping the Caltrops of his Throat, troubled and im∣pulregafized,

with Gabardines garbeled shuf∣flingly, and Friends as before, without Costs and for cause.

Which Sentence being pronounced, the two Parties departed both contented with the Decree; which was a thing almost incredible: for it never came to pass since the great Rain; nor shall the like occur in thirteen Jubilees hereaf∣ter, that two Parties contradictorily conten∣ding in Judgment, be equally satisfied and well pleased with the definitive Sentence. As for the Counsellors, and other Doctors in the Law that were there present, they were all so ravi∣vished with Admiration at the more than Hu∣mane Wisdom of Pantagruel, which they did most clearly perceive to be in him, by his so ac∣curate Decision of this so difficult and thorny Cause, that their Spirits, with the Extremity of the Rapture, being elevated above the pitch of actuating the Organs of the Body, they fell into a Trance and sudden Extasy, wherein they stayed for the space of three long Hours; and had been so as yet in that Condition, had not some good People fetched store of Vineger and Rose-water to bring them again unto their for∣mer Sense and Understanding. For the which God be praised every where; And so be it.

CHAP. XIV. How Panurge related the manner how he escaped out of the Hands of the Turks.

THe great Wit and Judgment of Pantagruel was immediately after this made known unto all the World, by setting forth his Praises in Print, and putting upon Record this late wonderful Proof he hath given thereof amongst the Rolls of the Crown, and Registers of the Pa∣lace, in such sort, that every Body began to say, that Solomon, who by a probable Guess only, without any further certainty, caused the Child to be delivered to its own Mother, shewed ne∣ver in his time such a Master-piece of Wisdom, as the good Pantagruel had done: happy are we therefore that have him in our Country. And indeed they would have made him there∣upon Master of the Requests, and President in the Court: but he refused all, very graciously thanking them for their Offer; for (said he) there is too much Slavery in these Offices, and very hardly can they be saved that do exercise them, considering the great Corruption that is a∣mongst Men. Which makes me believe, if the empty Seats of Angels be not fill'd with o∣ther kind of People than those, we shall not have the final Judgment these seven thousand sixty and seven Jubilees yet to come; and so Cusanus

will be deceived in his Conjecture. Remember that I have told you of it, and given you fair Ad∣vertisement in time and place convenient.

But if you have any Hogsheads of good Wine, I willingly will accept of a Present of that; which they very heartily did do, in sending him of the best that was in the City, and he drank reasonably well. But poor Panurge bibbed and bowsed of it most villainously; for he was as dry as a Red herring, as lean as a Rake, and like a poor, lank, slender Cat, walked gingerly as if he had trod upon Eggs: so that by some one being admonished, in the midst of his Draught of a large deep Bowl, full of excellent Claret, with these words, Fair and softly Gos∣sip, you suck up as if you were mad: I give thee to the Devil, (said he) thou hast not found here thy little tipling Sippers of Paris, that drink no more than the Chaffinch, and never take in their Beak full of Liquor, till they be bobbed on the Tails after the manner of the Sparrows. O Companion, if I could mount up as well as I can get down, I had been long e're this above the Sphere of the Moon with Empedocles. But I cannot tell what a Devil this means. This Wine is so good and delicious, that the more I drink thereof, the more I am a-thirst. I believe that the Shadow of my Master Pantagruel maketh Men a-thirsty, as the Moon doth the Catarrs and Defluxions. At which word the Company began to laugh. Which Pantagruel perceiving, said, Panurge, what is

that which moves you to laugh so? Sir, said he, I was telling them that these devilish Turks are very unhappy, in that they never drink one drop of Wine; and that though there were no other harm in all Mahomet's Alcoran, yet for this one base Point of Abstinence from Wine, which therein is commanded, I would not sub∣mit my self unto their Law. But now tell me (said Pantagruel) how you escaped out of their Hands. By G—, Sir, (said Panurge) I will not lie to you in one word.

The rascally Turks had broached me upon a Spit all larded like a Rabbet, (for I was so dry and meagre, that otherwise of my Flesh they would have made but very bad Meat) and in this manner began to rost me alive. As they were thus roasting me, I recommended my self unto the Divine Grace, having in my Mind the good St. Lawrence, and always hoped in God that he would deliver me out of this Torment, which came to pass, and that very strangely: for as I did commit my self with all my Heart unto God, crying, Lord God help me, Lord God save me, Lord God take me out of this Pain and hellish Torture, wherein these trai∣terous Dogs detain me for my Sincerity in the Maintenance of thy Law; the Turn-spit fell a∣sleep by the Divine Will, or else by the Virtue of some good Mercury, who cunningly brought Argus into a Sleep for all his hundred Eyes. When I saw that he did no longer turn me in roasting, I looked upon him, and per∣ceived

that he was fast asleep, then took I up in my Teeth a Fire-brand by the end where it was not burnt, and cast it into the Lap of my Roaster; and another did I throw as well as I could under a Field-bed, that was placed near to the Chimney, wherein was the Straw-bed of my Master Turn-spit; presently the Fire took hold in the Straw, and from the Straw to the Bed, and from the Bed to the Loft, which was planked and cieled with Firr, after the fashion of the foot of a Lamp. But the best was, that the Fire which I had cast into the Lap of my paul∣try Roaster, burnt all his Groin, and was begin∣ning to cease upon his Cullions, when he be∣came sensible of the danger; for his Smelling was not so bad, but that he felt it sooner than he could have seen Day-light. Then suddenly getting up, and in a great Amazement running to the Window, he cried out to the Streets as high as he could, Dalbaroth, Dalbaroth, Dal∣baroth; which is as much to say, Fire, Fire, Fire: incontinently turning about, he came streight towards me, to throw me quite into the Fire; and to that effect, had already cut the Ropes, wherewith my Hands were tied, and was undoing the Cords from off my Feet; when the Master of the House hearing him cry, Fire, and smelling the Smoke from the very Street where he was walking with some other Baashaws and Mustaphaes, ran with all the speed he had to save what he could, and to carry away his Jewels. Yet such was his Rage, (before he could well

resolve how to go about it) that he caught the Broach whereon I was spitted, and therewith killed my Roaster stark dead, of which Wound he died there for want of Government or other∣wise; for he ran him in with the Spit a little above the Navel, towards the right Flank, till he pierced the third Lappet of his Liver, and the Blow flanting upwards from the Dia∣phragme, through which it had made Penetra∣tion; the Spit past athwart the Pericardium, and came out above at his Shoulders, betwixt the Spondyls and the left Homoplat.

True it is, (for I will not lie) that in draw∣ing the Spit out of my Body, I fell to the Ground near unto the Andirons, and so by the Fall took some hurt; which indeed had been greater, but that the Lardons, or little Slices of Bacon, wherewith I was stuck, kept off the Blow. My Baashaw then seeing the Case to be desperate, his House burnt without Remission, and all his Goods lost, gave himself over unto all the Devils in Hell, calling upon some of them by their Names, Gringoth, Astaroth, Rap∣p••lus and Gribonillis, nine several times; which when I saw, I had above six Penny-worth of Fear, dreading that the Devils would come e∣ven then to carry away this Fool, and seeing me so near him would perhaps snatch me up too. I am ready (thought I) half roasted, and my Lardons will be the cause of my Mischief; for these Devils are very lickorous of Lardons, according to the Authority which you have of

the Philosopher Iamblicus and Murmault, in the Apology of Bossuris, adulterated pro magi∣stros nostros. But for my better security I made the sign of the Cross, crying, Hageos, athana∣tos, hotheos, and none came: At which, my Rogue Baashaw being very much aggrieved, would in transpiercing his Heart with my Spit have killed himself; and to that purpose had set it against his Breast, but it could not enter, because it was not sharp enough. Whereupon I perceiving that he was not like to work upon his Body the Effect which he intended, al∣though he did not spare all the Force he had to thrust it forward, came up to him and said, Master Bugrino, thou dost here but trifle away thy time, for thou wilt never kill thy self thus as thou doest. Well, thou mayest hurt or bruise somewhat within thee, so as to make thee lan∣guish all thy Life-time most pitifully amongst the Hands of the Chirurgions; but if thou wilt be counselled by me, I will kill thee clear out∣right, so that thou shalt not so much as feel it; and trust me, for I have killed a great many o∣thers, who never have complained afterwards. Ha, my Friend, said he, I prethee do so, and for thy pains I will give thee my Cod-piece; take, here it is, there are six hundred Seraphs in it, and some fine Diamonds, and most excellent Rubies. And where are they, said Epistemon? By St. Iohn (said Panurge) they are a good way hence, if they always keep going: But where is the last Year's Snow? This was the greatest

care that Villon the Parisian Poet took. Make an end (said Pantagruel) that we may know how thou didst dress thy Baashaw: By the Faith of an honest Man (said Panurge) I do not lie in one word; I swadled him in a scurvy Swathel-binding, which I found lying there half burnt, and with my Cords tied him Royster-like both Hand and Foot, in such sort that he was not able to winse; then past my Spit through his Throat, and hanged him thereon, fastening the end thereof at two great Hooks or Cramp-irons, up∣on which they did hang their Halberds; and then kindling a fair Fire under him, did flame you up my Milourt, as they use to do dry Herrings in a Chimney: with this, taking his Budget, and a little Javelin that was upon the foresaid Hooks, I ran away a fair Gallop-rake, and God he knows how I did smell my Shoulder of Mutton.

When I was come down into the Street, I found every Body come to put out the Fire with store of Water, and seeing me so half-roasted, they did naturally pity my Case, and threw all their Water upon me, which by a most joyful refreshing of me, did me very much good. Then did they present me with some Victuals, but I could not eat much, be∣cause they gave me nothing to drink but Wa∣ter after their fashion. Other hurt they did me none, only one little villanous Turky knob-brested Rogue, came to snatch away some of my Lardons; but I gave him such a sturdy Thump, and sound Rap on the Fingers, with

all the weight of my Javelin, that he came no mote the second time. Shortly after this, there came towards me a pretty young Corinthian Wench, who brought me a Box full of Con∣serves, of round Mirabolan Plums, called Em∣blicks, and looked upon my poor Roger with an Eye of great Compassion, as it was Flea-bitten and pinked with the Sparkles of the Fire from whence it came, for it reached no further in length (believe me) than my Knees. But note, that this Roasting cured me entirely of a Sciatica, whereunto I had been subject above se∣ven Years before, upon that side which my Roa∣ster, by falling asleep, suffered to be burnt.

Now whilst they were thus busy about me, the Fire triumphed, never ask, How? for it took hold on above two thousand Houses; which one of them espying, cryed out, say∣ing, By Mahooms Belly all the City is on fire, and we do nevertheless stand gazing here, with∣out offering to make any Relief. Upon this, every one ran to save his own. For my part, I took my way towards the Gate. When I was got upon the Knap of a little Hillock, not far off, I turned me about as did Lot's Wife, and looking back, saw all the City burning in a fair Fire; whereat I was so glad, that I had al∣most beshit my self for Joy: but God punished me well for it. How? said Pantagruel. Thus, said Panurge; for when with Pleasure I beheld this jolly Fire, jesting with my self, and saying, Ha poor Flies, ha poor Mice, you will have a

bad Winter of it this Year; the Fire is in your Reeks, it is in your Bed-straw: Out came more than six, yea more than thirteen hundred and eleven Dogs great and small, altogether out of the Town, flying away from the Fire. At the first Approach they ran all upon me, being carried on by the Scent of my leacherous half-roasted Flesh, and had even then devoured me in a trice, if my good Angel had not well inspired me with the Instruction of a Re∣medy, very sovereign against the Pain of the Teeth. And wherefore (said Pantagruel) wert thou afraid of the Pain of the Teeth? wert thou not cured of thy Rheums? By Palm-Sunday (said Panurge) is there any greater Pain of the Teeth than when the Dogs have you by the Legs? But on a sudden (as my good Angel directed me) I thought upon my Lardons, and threw them into the midst of the Field among them: then did the Dogs run, and fight with one another at fair Teeth, which should have the Lardons: by this means they left me, and I left them also bustling with, and haring one another. Thus did I escape frolick and lively, Grammerie Roast-meat and Cookery.

CHAP. XV. How Panurge shewed a very new way to build the Walls of Paris.

PAntagruel one Day to refresh himself of his Study, went a walking towards St. Marcel's Suburbs, to see the Extravagancy of the Gobeline Building, and to taste of their spiced Bread. Panurge was with him, having always a Flaggon under his Gown, and a good Slice of a Gammon of Bacon; for without this he never went, saying, That it was his Life-guard; other Sword carried he none. And when Pantagruel would have given him one, he answered, that he needed none, for that it would but heat his Feius. Yea, but (said Epistemon) if thou shouldest be set upon, how wouldest thou defend thy self? With great brodkin Blows, answered he, provided Thrusts were forbidden. At their return, Pa∣nurge considered the Walls of the City of Pa∣ris, and in derision said to Pantagruel, See what fair Walls here are! O how strong they are, and well fitted to keep Geese in a Coop to fatten them! by my Beard they are very sorry Walls for such a City as this is; for a Cow with one Fart would go near to overthrow a∣bove six fathoms of them. O my Friend (said Pantagruel) dost thou know what Agesilaus

said, when he was asked, Why the great City of Lacedemon was not inclosed with Walls? shewing them the Inhabitants and Citizens, so strong, so well armed, and so expert in Milita∣ry Discipline; Lo here (said he) the Walls of the City: Signifying thereby, that there is no Wall but of Bones, and that Towns and Cities cannot have a surer Wall, nor better Fortifica∣tion than the Prowess and Vertue of the Citi∣zens and Inhabitants. So is this City so strong, by the great number of Warlike People that are in it, that they care not for making any o∣ther Walls.

Besides, whosoever would go about to wall it▪ as Strasbourg, Orleans or Ferrara, would find it almost impossible, the Cost and Charges would be so excessive. Yea, but (said Pa∣nurge) it is good nevertheless to have an out∣side of Stone, when we are invaded by our E∣nemies, were it but to ask, Who is below there? As for the enormous Expence, which you say would be needful for undertaking the great Work of walling this City about, if the Gentlemen of the Town will be pleased to give me a good rough Cup of Wine, I will shew them a pretty, strange and new way how they may build them good cheap. How, said Pan∣tagruel? Do not speak of it then, (answered Panurge) and I will tell it you. I see that the what d'ye Call-ums of the Women of this Country, are better cheap than Stones: of them should the Walls be built, ranging them in

good Symmetry by the Rules of Architecture, and placing the largest in the first Ranks, then sloping downwards Ridg-ways, like the Back of an Ass; the middle sized ones must be ran∣ked next, and last of all the least and smallest. This done, there must be a fine little interlacing of them, like Points of Diamonds, as is to be seen in the great Tower of Bourges, with a like number of the lusty Catfoes that dwell in a∣mongst the claustral Cod-pieces. What De∣vil were able to overthrow such Walls? there is no Metal like it to resist Blows, in so far that if Culverin-shot should come to grase up∣on it, you would incontinently see distil from thence the blessed Fruit of the great Pox, as small as Rain. Beware in the name of the De∣vils, and hold off. Furthermore, No Thunder∣bolt or Lightning would fall upon it; for why? they are all either blest or consecrated. I see but one Inconveniency in it. Ho, ho, ha, ha, ha, (said Pantagruel) and what is that? It is that the Flies would be so lickorish of them, to a Wonder, and would quickly gather there to∣gether, and there leave their Ordure and Ex∣cretions, and so all the Work would be spoi∣led. But see how that might be remedied: they must be wiped and made rid of the Flies with fair Fox-tails, or good great Ass-pizzles of Provence. And to this purpose I will tell you (as we go to Supper) a brave Example set down by Frater Lubinus, libro de compota∣tionibus mendicantium.

In the time that the Beasts did speak, (which is not yet three Days ago) a poor Lion walking through the Forest of Bieure, and saying his own little private Devotions, past under a Tree where there was a roguish Collier gotten up to cut down Wood: who seeing the Lion, cast his Hatchet at him, and wounded him enor∣mously in one of his Legs: whereupon the Li∣on halting, so long toiled and turmoiled him∣self in roaming up and down the Forest to find help, till at last he met with a Carpenter, who willingly look'd upon his Wound, clean∣sed it as well as he could, and filled it with Moss, telling him that he must wipe his Wound well, that the Flies might not do their Excre∣ments in it, whilst he should go search for some Millefoil, commonly called the Carpen∣ter's Herb. The Lion being thus healed, walked along in the Forrest; at what time, a sempiternous old Hag was picking up, and ga∣thering some Sticks in the said Forest, who seeing the Lion coming towards her, for fear fell down backwards, in such sort, that the Wind blew up her Gown, Coats and Smock e∣ven as far as above her Shoulders. Which the Lion perceiving, for pity ran to see whether she had taken any hurt by the Fall; and thereup∣on considering her what you call it, said, O poor Woman, who hath thus wounded thee? which Words when he had spoken, he espied a Fox, whom he called to come to him, saying, Gossip Renard, hau, hither, hither, and for cause.

When the Fox was come, he said unto him, My Gossip and Friend, they have hurt this good Woman here between the Legs most villanous∣ly, and there is a manifest Solution of Continui∣ty; see how great a Wound it is, even from the Tail up to the Navel, in measure four, nay full five Hand-fulls and a half; this is the Blow of an Hatchet, I doubt me it is an old Wound, and therefore that the Flies may not get into it, wipe it lustily well and hard, I pre∣thee, both within and without; thou hast a good Tail and long; wipe, my Friend, wipe, I beseech thee, and in the mean while I will go get some Moss to put into it. For thus ought we to succour and help one another. Wipe it hard, thus, my Friend, wipe it well, for this Wound must be often wiped, otherwise the Party cannot be at ease. Go to, wipe well, my little Gossip, wipe, God hath furnished thee with a Tail; thou hast a long one, and of a Bigness proportionable, wipe hard and be not weary. A good Wiper, who in wiping conti∣nually, wipeth with his Wipard, by Wasps shall never be wounded. Wipe, my pretty Minion, wipe, my little Bully, I will not stay long. Then went he to get store of Moss; and when he was a little way off, he cried out in speaking to the Fox thus, Wipe well still, Gossip, wipe, and let it never grieve thee to wipe well, my little Gossip, I will put thee into Service to be Wiper to Don Pedro de Castille; wipe, only wipe, and no more. The poor Fox wiped as

hard as he could, here and there, within and without: but the false old Trot did so fizzle and foist, that she stunk like a hundred Devils. Which put the poor Fox to a great deal of ill ease; for he knew not to what side to turn himself, to escape the unsavoury Perfume of this old Woman's postern Blasts. And whilst to that effect he was shifting hither and thither, without knowing how to shun the Annoyance of those unwholesom Gusts, he saw that be∣hind there was yet another Hole, not so great as that which he did wipe, out of which came this filthy and infectious Air. The Lion at last returned, bringing with him of Moss more than eighteen Packs would hold, and began to put it into the Wound, with a Staff which he had provided for that purpose; and had al∣ready put in full sixteen Packs and a half, at which he was amazed: What a Devil? (said he) this Wound is very deep, it would hold above two Cart-loads of Moss. The Fox per∣ceiving this, said unto the Lion, O Gossip Lion, my Friend, I pray thee do not put in all thy Moss there, keep somewhat; for there is yet here another little Hole, that stinks like five hundred Devils. I am almost choaked with the smell thereof, it is so pestiferous and impoi∣soning.

In this manner (said Panurge) must these Walls be kept from the Flies; and Wages al∣lowed to some for wiping of them. Then said Pantagruel, How dost thou know that the pri∣vy

Parts of Women are at such a cheap Rate? for in this City there are many vertuous, ho∣nest and chaste Women besides the Maids. Et ubi prenus, said Panurge? I will give you my Opinion of it, and that upon certain and assu∣red Knowledg. I do not brag that I have bum∣basted four hundred and seventeen, since I came into this City, though it be but nine days ago. But this very Morning I met with a good Fel∣low, who in a Wallet, such as Aesop's was, carried two little Girls of two or three years old at the most, one before, and the other be∣hind. He demanded Alms of me, but I made him answer, that I had more Cods than Pence. Afterwards I asked him, good Man, these two Girls are they Maids? Brother, said he, I have carried them thus these two years, and in re∣gard of her that is before, whom I see continu∣ally, in my Opinion she is a Virgin, neverthe∣less I will not put my Finger in the Fire for it; as for her that is behind, doubtless I can say no∣thing. Indeed (said Pantagruel) thou art a merry Companion, I will have thee to be ap∣parelled in my Livery: and therefore caused him to be clothed most gallantly according to the Fashion that then was; only that Panurge would have the Cod-piece of his Breeches three Foot-long, and in shape square, not round, which was done, and was well worth the see∣ing. Often-times was he wont to say that the World had not yet known the Emolument and Utility that is in wearing great Cod-pieces;

but Time would one day teach it them, as all things have been invented in time.

God keep from hurt (said he) the good Fellow whose great Cod-piece hath saved his Life. God keep from hurt him, whose great Cod-piece hath been worth to him in one day, one hundred threescore thousand and nine Crowns. God keep from hurt him, who by his great Cod-piece hath saved a whole City from dying by Famine. And by G— I will make a Book of the Commodity of great Cod-pieces, when I shall have more leasure. And indeed he composed a fair great Book with Figures, but it is not printed as yet that I know of.

CHAP. XVI. Of the Qualities and Conditions of Panurge.

PAnurge was of a middle Stature, not too high nor too low, and had somewhat an Aquiline Nose, made like the Handle of a Ra∣zor. He was at that time five and thirty Years old or thereabouts, fine to gild like a leaden Dagger; for he was a very gallant Man of his Person, only that he was a little lewd, and na∣turally subject to a kind of Disease, which at that time they called Lack of Money; a Mala∣dy Nompareil: yet notwithstanding he had threescore and three Tricks to help himself at

his need. Of which, the most honourable and most ordinary, was by the way of filching; for he was a quarrelsom Fellow, a Sharper, Drin∣ker, Royster, Scowrer, and a very dissolute and debauch'd Fellow, if there were any in Paris; otherwise, and in all Matters else, the best Man in the World. And he was still con∣triving some Plot, and devising Mischief against the Serjeants and the Watch.

At one time he assembled three or four e∣special good Hacksters and roaring Boys; made them in the Evening drink like Templers, after∣wards led them till they came under St. Gene∣vieve, or about the College of Navar; and at the Hour that the Watch was coming up that way, which he knew by putting his Sword upon the Pavement, and his Ear by it, and when he heard his Sword shake, it was an infallible Sign that the Watch was near at that instant: then he and his Companions took a Tumbrel or Dung-cart, and gave it the Bran∣gle, hurling it with all their Force down the Hill, and so overthrew all the poor Watch∣men like Pigs, and then ran away upon the o∣ther side; for in less than two days, he knew all the Streets, Lanes and Turnings in Paris, as well as his Deus de••.

At another time he made in some fair Place, where the said Watch was to pass, a Train of Gun-powder, and at the very instant that they went along, set fire to it, and then made himself Sport to see what good Grace

they had in running away, thinking that St. An∣thony's. Fire had caught them by the Legs. As for the poor Masters of Arts, he did persecute them above all others. When he encountered with any of them upon the Street, he would ne∣ver fail to put some Trick or other upon them; sometimes putting a fry'd Turd in their Gra∣duate Hoods; at other times pinning on little Fox-tails, or Hares-ears behind them, or some such other roguish Prank. One Day that they were appointed all to meet in the Fodder-street, he made a Borbonnesa Tart, made of store of G••••lick, of Assa foetida, of Castoreum, of Dogs Turds very warm; which he steep'd, tem∣per'd and liquifi'd in the corrupt Matter of pocky Biles, and pestiferous Botch••s; and very early in the Morning, therewith anointed all the Pavement, in such sort, that the Devil could not have endured it. Which made all these good People, there to lay up their Gorges, and vomit what was upon their Stomachs before all the World, as if they had flayed the Fox. And ten or twelve of them died of the Plague; fourteen became Lepers, eighteen grew Lousy, and above seven and twenty had the Pox, but he did not care a Button for it. He commonly carried a Whip under his Gown, wherewith he whipt without remission the Pages, whom he found carrying Wine to their Masters, to make them mend their pace. In his Coat he had above six and twenty little Fabs and Poc∣kets always full, one with some Lead-water,

and a little Knife as sharp as a Glover's Needle, wherewith he used to cut Purses: Another with some kind of bitter Stuff, which he threw into the Eyes of those he met: Another with Clot∣burs, penned with little Geese or Capons Fea∣thers, which he cast upon the Gowns and Caps of honest People; and often made them fair Horns, which they wore about all the City, sometimes all their Life. Very often also up∣on the Womens Hoods would he stick in the hind-part somewhat made in the Shape of a Man's Member. In another he had a great many little Horns full of Fleas 〈◊〉〈◊〉 Lice, which he borrowed from the 〈◊〉〈◊〉 of St. Innocent, and cast them 〈…〉〈…〉 ••mall Canes or Quills to write with▪ ••nto the Necks of the daintiest Gen∣tlewomen 〈…〉〈…〉 could find, yea even in the Church, for he never seated himself above in the Quire, but always sate in the Body of the Church amongst the Women, both at Mass, at Vespres, and at Sermon. In another, he u∣sed to have good store of Hooks and Buckles, where withal he would couple Men and Wo∣men together, that sate in company close to one another; but especially those that wore Gowns of Crimson Taffaties, that when they were about to go away, they might rent all their Gowns. In another, he had a Squib fur∣nished with Tinder, Matches, Stones to strike Fire, and all other Tackling necessary for it. In another, two or three burning Glasses, wherewith he made both Men and Women

sometimes mad, and in the Church put them quite out of Countenance; for he said that there was but an Antistrophe between a Wo∣man; folle a la messe, and molle a la fesse.

In another, he had a good deal of Needles and Thread, wherewith he did a thousand lit∣tle devillish Pranks. One time at the entry of the Palace unto the great Hall, where a Cor∣delier was to say Mass to the Counsellors; he did help to apparel him, and put on his Vest∣ments; but in the accoutring of him, he sow∣ed on his Alb, Surplice or Stole, to his Gown and Shirt, and then withdrew himself, when the said Lords of the Court, or Counsellors, came to hear the said Mass: but when it came to the Ite, missa est, that the poor Frater would have laid by his Stole, or Surplice, he plucked off withal both his Frock and Shirt which were well sowed together, and thereby stripping himself up to the very Shoulders, shewed his what do you Call-um to all the World, which was no small one, as you may imagine: and the Friar still kept haling, but so much the more did he discover himself, and lay open his Back-parts, till one of the Lords of the Court said, How now, what's the mat∣ter? will this good Father make us here an Of∣fering of his Tail to kiss it? nay, St. Anthony's Fire kiss it for us. From thenceforth was made an Ordinance that the poor Fathers should never disrobe themselves any more be∣fore the World, but in their Vestry-room, e∣specially

in the presence of Women, lest it should tempt them to the Sin of Longing, and disordinate Desire. The People then asked, why it was the Friars had so long and large Genitories? the said Panurge resolved the Pro∣blem very neatly, saying, That which makes Asses to have such great Ears, is that their Dams did put no Biggins on their Heads, as Alliaco mentioneth in his Suppositions; by the like Reason, that which makes the Generation-Tools of those fair Fraters so long, is, for that they ware no bottomed Breeches, and there∣fore their jolly Member having no Impedi∣ment, hangeth dangling at liberty, as far as it can reach, with a wigle-wagle down to their Knees, as Woman carry their Patinotre Beads. And the cause wherefore they have it so cor∣respondently great, is, that in this constant wig-wagging the Humours of the Body de∣scend into the said Member: for according to the Legists, Agitation and continual Motion is cause of Attraction.

Item, He had another Pocket full of itching Powder, called Stone-allum; whereof he would cast some into the Backs of those Women, whom he judged to be most beautiful and stately, which did so ticklishly gall them, that some would strip themselves in the open view of the World, and others dance like a Cock upon hot Embers, or a Drum-stick on a Ta∣ber: others again ran about the Streets, and he would run after them: to such as were in

the stripping Vein, he would very civilly come to offer his Attendance, and cover them with his Cloak, like a courteous and very gracious Man.

Item, In another he had a little Leather-bottle full of old Oil; wherewith, when he saw any Man or Woman in a rich new hand∣som Sute, he would grease, smutch and spoil all the best parts of it under colour and pre∣tence of touching them, saying, This is good Cloth, this is good Sattin, good Taffaties; Ma∣dam, God give you all that your noble Heart desireth: you have a new Sute, pretty Sir; and you a new Gown▪ sweet Mistris, God give you Joy of it, and maintain you in all Prospe∣rity; and with this would lay his Hand upon their Shoulder; at which touch such a villa∣nous Spot was left behind, so enormously engraven to Perpetuity in the very Soul, Bo∣dy and Reputation, that the Devil himself could never have taken it away. Then upon his departing, he would say, Madam, take heed you do not fall, for there is a filthy great Hole before you.

Another he had all full of Euphorbium, very finely pulverized: in that Powder did he lay a fair Handkerchief curiously wrought, which he had stollen from a pretty Seamstress of the Pa∣lace, in taking away a Louse from off her Bo∣som, which he had put there himself. And when he came into the Company of some good La∣dies, he would trifle them into a Discourse of

some fine Workmanship of Bone-lace; then im∣mediately put his Hand into their Bosom, ask∣king them, And this Work, is it of Flanders, or of Hainault? and then drew out his Hand∣kerchief, and said, Hold, hold, look what Work here is▪ it is of Foutiman or of Foutarabia: and shaking it hard at their Nose, made them sneeze for four ••lours without ceasing. In the mean while he would fart like a Horse, and the Wo∣men would laugh, and say, How now, do you fart Panurge? No, no, Madam, (said he) I do but tune my Tail to the plain Song of the Mu∣sick, which you make with your Nose. In ano∣ther he had a Picklock, a Pellican, a Cramp∣iron, a Crook, and some other Iron Tools, wherewith there was no Door nor Coffer which he would not pick open. He had another full of little Cups, wherewith he played very artificial∣ly; for he had his Fingers made to his Hand, like those of Minerva or Arachne, and had heretofore cried Triacle. And when he changed a Teston, Cardecu, or any other piece of Money, the Changer had been more subtil than a Fox, if Panurge had not at every time made five or six Sols, vanish away invisibly, openly and manifest∣ly, without making any Hurt or Lesion, where∣of the Changer should have felt nothing but the Wind.

CHAP. XVII. How Panurge gained the Pardons, and marri∣ed the old Women; and of the Suit in Law which he had at Paris.

ONe Day I found Panurge very much out of countenance, melancholick and si∣lent, which made me suspect that he had no Money; whereupon I said unto him, Panurge you are sick, as I do very well perceive by your Physiognomy; and I know the Disease, you have a Flux in your Purse; but take no care, I have yet seven Pence half-penny, that never saw Father nor Mother, which shall not be wan∣ting no more than the Pox in your necessity. Whereunto he answered me, Well, well, for Money, one Day I shall have but too much; for I have a Philosopher's Stone, which attracts Money out of Mens Purses, as the Adamant doth Iron. But will you go with me to gain the Pardons, said he? By my Faith (said I) I am no great Pardon-taker in this World; if I shall be any such in the other, I cannot tell. Yet let us go in God's Name, it is but one Far∣thing more or less. But (said he) lend me then a Farthing upon interest? No, no, (said I) I will give it you freely, and from my Heart, Grates vobis dominos, said he.

So we went along, beginning at St. Ger∣vase, and I got the Pardons at the first Box only; for in those Matters very little con∣tenteth me. Then did I say my small Suffra∣ges, and the Prayers of St. Brigid; but he gained them at all the Boxes, and always gave Money to every one of the Pardoners. From thence we went to our Ladies Church, to St. Iohn's, to St. Anthony's, and so to the o∣ther Churches, where there was a Banquet of Pardons; for my part, I gained no more of them. But he at all the Boxes kissed the Re∣licks, and gave at every one. To be brief, when we were returned, he brought me to drink at the Castle-Tavern, and there shewed me ten or twelve of his little Bags full of Mo∣ney; at which I blest my self, and made the Sign of the Cross, saying, Where have you recovered so much Money in so little time? Unto which he answered me, that he had ta∣ken it out of the Basons of the Pardons. For in giving them the first Farthing (said he) I put it in with such slight of hand, and so dex∣terously, that it appeared to be a Three-pence; thus with one Hand I took Three-pence, Nine-pence or Six-pence at the least, and with the o∣ther as much, and so through all the Churches where we have been.

Yea, but (said I) you damn your self like a Snake, and are withal a Thief and sacrilegi∣ous Person. True, (said he) in your Opinion, but I am not of that Mind; for the Pardoners

do give me it, when they say unto me in pre∣senting the Relicks to kiss, Centuplum accipies; that is, that for one Penny I should take a hun∣dred. For Accipies is spoken according to the manner of the Hebrews, who use the future Tense instead of the Imperative, as you have in the Law, Diliges Dominum; that is, dilige: Even so when the Pardon-Bearer says to me, Centuplum accipies; his meaning is, Centu∣plum accipe: and so doth Rabbi Kimi, and Rabbi Aben Ezra expound it, and all the Mas∣sorets, & ibi Bartholus.

Moreover, Pope Sixtus gave me fifteen hun∣dred Francks of yearly Pension upon his Ec∣clesiastical Revenues and Treasure, for having cured him of a Canckrous Botch, which did so torment him, that he thought to have been a Cripple by it all his life. Thus I do pay my self at my own hand (for otherways I get no∣thing) upon the said Ecclesiastical Treasure.

Ho, my Friend! (said he) if thou didst know how well I feathered my Nest, by the Pope's Bull of the Croisade, thou wouldest wonder exceedingly. It was worth to me a∣bove six thousand Florins. And what a Devil is become of them? said I; for of that Money thou hast not one Half-penny. They returned from whence they came, (said he) they did no more but change their Master.

But I employed at least three thousand of them in marrying (not young Virgins, for they find but too many Husbands) but great

old sempiternous Trots, which had not so much as one Tooth in their Heads. And that out of the Consideration I had, that these good old Women had very well spent the time of their Youth in playing at the Close-buttock-game to all Comers, serving the foremost first, till no Man would have any more dealing with them. And by G— I will have their Skin-coat shaken once yet before they die. By this means, to one I gave a hundred Florins, to another six score, to another three hundred, according as they were infamous, detest∣able and abominable. For by how much the more horrible and execrable they were, so much the more must I needs have given them, otherways the Devil would not have jum'd them. Presently I went to some great and fat Wood-porters, or such like, and did my self make the Match; but before I did shew him the old Hags, I made a fair muster to him of the Crowns, saying, Good Fellow, see what I will give thee, if thou wilt but con∣descend to dufle, dinfredaille, or lecher it one good bout. Then began the poor Rogues to gape like old Mules, and I caused to be pro∣vided for them a Banquet, with Drink of the best, and store of Spiceries, to put the old Wo∣men in rut and heat of Lust. To be short, they occupied all like good Souls; only to those that were horribly ugly and ill-favoured, I caused their Heads to be put within a Bag, to hide their Face.

Besides all this, I have lost a great deal in Suits of Law. And what Law-Suits couldst thou have, said I? thou hast neither House nor Lands. My Friend, (said he) the Gentlewomen of this City had found out, by the instigation of the Devil of Hell, a manner of high-mount∣ed Gorgets, and Neckerchiefs for Women, which did so closely cover their Bosoms, that Men could no more put their Hands under; for they had put the Slit behind, and those Neck∣cloths were wholly shut before; whereat the poor sad contemplative Lovers were much discontented. Upon a fair Tuesday, I pre∣sented a Petition to the Court, making my self a Party against the said Gentlewomen, and shewing the great Interest that I pretended therein, protesting that by the same reason, I would cause the Cod-piece of my Breeches to be sowed behind, if the Court would not take order for it. In sum, the Gentlewomen put in their Defences, shewed the Grounds they went upon, and constituted their Attorney for the prosecuting of the Cause; but I pur∣sued them so vigorously, that by a Sentence of the Court it was decreed, those high Neck∣cloths should be no longer worn, if they were not a little cleft and open before: but it cost me a good Sum of Money. I had another very filthy and beastly Process against Master Foh∣foh and his Deputies, that they should no more read privily the Pipe, Punehon, nor quart of Sentences; but in fair full-day, and that in the

Fodder-Schools, in face of the Arrian Sophi∣sters, where I was ordained to pay the Charges, by reason of some Clause mistaken in the Re∣lation of the Serjeant.

Another time I framed a Complaint to the Court, against the Mules of the Presidents, Counsellors and others, tending to this purpose; that when in the lower Court of the Palace, they left them to champ on their Bridles, some Bibs might be made for them, that with their Drivelling they might not spoil the Pavement, to the end, that the Pages of the Palace might play upon it at Dice, or Coxbody at their own ease, without spoiling their Breeches at the Knees. And for this I had a fair Decree, but it cost me dear. Now reckon up what Ex∣pence I was at in little Banquets, which from Day to Day I made to the Pages of the Palace. And to what end, said I? My Friend (said he) thou hast no pass-time at all in this World, I have more than the King; and if thou wilt join thy self with me, we will do the Devil to∣gether.

No, no, (said I) by St. Adauras that will I not, for thou wilt be hanged one time or a∣nother. And thou (said he) wilt be interred sometime or other. Now which is most ho∣nourable, the Air or the Earth? Ho, grosse Pecore.

Whilst the Pages are at their Banqueting, I keep their Mules, and to some one I cut the Stirrup-leather of the Mounting side, till it hang

but by a thin Strap or Thread, that when the great Puff-guts of the Counsellor or some other hath taken his Swing to get up, he may fall flat on his Side like a Pork, and so furnish the Spectators with more than a hundred Francks worth of Laughter. But I laugh yet further, to think how at his home-coming the Master-page is to be whipp'd like green Rie, which makes me not to repent what I have bestowed in feasting them. In brief, he had (as I said before) threescore and three Ways to acquire Money, but he had two hundred and fourteen to spend it, besides his Drinking.

CHAP XVIII. How a great Scholar of England would have argued against Pantagruel, and was over∣come by Panurge.

IN that same time a certain learned Man, named Thaumast, hearing the Fame and Renown of Pantagruel's incomparable Know∣ledg, came out of his own Countrey of Eng∣land, with an Intent only to see him, to try thereby, and prove, whether his Knowledg in Effect was so great as it was reported to be. In this Resolution, being arrived at Paris, he went forthwith unto the House of Pantagruel, who was lodged in the Palace of St. Denys, and was then walking in the Garden with Panurge,

philosophizing after the Fashion of the Peripa∣teticks At his first Entrance he startled, and was almost out of his Wits for Fear, seeing him so great and so tall; then did he salute him courteously, as the Manner is, and said unto him, Very true it is, saith Plato the Prince of Philosophers, that if the Image of Knowledg and Wisdom were corporeal and visible to the Eyes of Mortals, it would stir up all the World to admire her. Which we may the rather be∣lieve, that the very bare Report thereof, scat∣tered in the Air, if it happen to be received in∣to the Ears of Men, who for being studious, and Lovers of vertuous things, are called Phi∣losophers, doth not suffer them to sleep nor rest in Quiet, but so pricketh them up, and sets them on fire, to run unto the Place where the Person is, in whom the said Knowledg is said to have built her Temple, and uttered her Oracles; as it was manifestly shewn unto us in the Queen of Sheba, who came from the ut∣most Borders of the East and Persian Sea, to see the Order of Solomon's House, and to hear his Wisdom. In Anacharsis, who came out of Scythia, even unto Athens, to see Solon. In Pythagoras, who travelled far to visit the Mem∣phitical Vaticinators. In Platon, who went a great way off to see the Magicians of Egypt, and Architas of Tarentum. In Apollonius Ti∣aneus, who went as far as unto Mount Cauca∣sus, passed along the Scythians, the Massage∣tes, the Indians, and sailed over the great Ri∣ver

Phison, even to the Brachmans, to see Hi∣archas: As likewise unto Babylon, Chaldea, Media, Assyria, Parthia, Syria, Phaenicia, Arabia, Palestina and Alexandria, even unto Aethiopia, to see the Gymnosophists. The like Example have we of Titus Livius, whom to see and hear divers studious Persons, came to Rome, from the Confines of France and Spain. I dare not reckon my self in the Number of those so excellent Persons, but well would be called studious, and a Lover, not only of Learn∣ing, but of learned Men also. And indeed, having heard the Report of your so inestimable Knowledg, I have left my Country, my Friends, my Kindred and my House, and am come thus far, valuing at nothing the length of the Way, the Tediousness of the Sea, nor Strangeness of the Land, and that only to see you, and to confer with you about some Pas∣sages in Philosophy, of Geomancie, and of the Cabalistick Art; whereof I am doubtful, and cannot satisfy my Mind; which if you can re∣solve, I yield my self unto you for a Slave hence∣forward, together with all my Posterity; for other Gift have I none, that I can esteem a Re∣compence sufficient for so great a Favour. I will reduce them into Writing, and to Mor∣row publish them to all the learned Men in the City, that we may dispute publickly before them.

But see in what manner, I mean that we shall dispute. I will not argue pro & contra,

as do the sottish Sophisters of this Town, and other Places. Likewise I will not dispute after the manner of the Academicks, by Declamati∣on. Nor yet by Numbers, as Pythagoras was wont to do, and as Picus de la mirandula did of late at Rome. But I will dispute by Signs only, without speaking; for the Matters are so abstruse, hard and arduous, that Words pro∣ceeding from the Mouth of Man, will never be sufficient for unfolding of them to my liking. May it therefore please your Magnificence to be there, it shall be at the great Hall of Navarre, at seven a Clock in the Morning. When he had spoke these Words, Pantagruel very ho∣nourably said unto him, Sir, of the Graces that God hath bestowed upon me, I would not deny to communicate unto any Man to my Power; for whatever comes from him is good, and his Pleasure is, that it should be increased when we come amongst Men worthy and fit to receive this celestial Manna of honest Litera∣ture. In which Number, because that in this Time (as I do already very plainly perceive) thou holdest the first Rank, I give thee Notice that at all Hours thou shalt find me ready to condescend to every one of thy Requests, ac∣cording to my poor Ability: although I ought rather to learn of thee, than thou of me; but as thou hast protested, we will confer of these Doubts together, and will seek out the Reso∣lution, even unto the bottom of that undraina∣ble Well, where Heraclitus says the Truth lies

hidden. And I do highly commend the man∣ner of arguing which thou hast proposed, to wit, by Signs without speaking; for by this Means thou and I shall understand one another well enough, and yet shall be free from this clapping of Hands, which these blockish So∣phisters make, when any of the Arguers hath gotten the better of the Argument. Now to Morrow I will not fail to meet thee at the Place and Hour that thou hast appointed; but let me intreat thee that there be not any Strife or Up∣roar between us, and that we seek not the Ho∣nour and Applause of Men, but the Truth on∣ly. To which Thaumast answered, The Lord God maintain you in his Favour and Grace; and instead of my Thankfulness to you, pour down his Blessings upon you, for that your Highness and magnificent Greatness hath not d••sdained to descend to the Grant of the Request of my poor Baseness; so farewel till to Mor∣row. Farewel, said Pantagruel. Gentlemen, you that read this present Discourse, think not that ever Men were more elevated and tran∣sported in their Thoughts, than all this Night were both Thaumast and Pantagruel: for Thau∣mast said to the Keeper of the House of Cluny, where he was lodged, that in all his Life he had never known himself so dry as he was that Night: I think (said he) that Pantagruel held me by the Throat: Give Order, I pray you, that we may have some Drink, and see that some fresh Water be brought to us to gargle my Palat.

On the other side Pantagruel stretched his Wits as high as he could, entring into very deep and serious Meditations, and did nothing all that Night but plod upon, and turn over the Book of Beda, de Numeris & Signis. Plo∣tius's Book, de Inenarrabilibus. The Book of Proclus, de Magia. The Book of Artemi∣dorus, 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉. Of Anaxagaras, 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉. Dinatius, 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉. The Books of Philistion. Hipponax, 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉; and a Rabble of others, so long, that Panurge said unto him,

My Lord, leave all these Thoughts, and go to Bed; for I perceive your Spirits to be so troubled by a too intensive bending of them, that you may easily fall into some Quotidian Fever with this so excessive thinking and plod∣ding: but having first drank twenty five, or thirty good Draughts, retire your self and sleep your fill; for in the Morning I will argue a∣gainst, and answer your Monsieur the English∣man; and if I drive him not ad metam non lo∣qui, then call me Knave. Yea but (said he) my Friend Panurge, he is marvellously learn∣ed, how wilt thou be able to answer him? Ve∣ry well, (answered Panurge) I pray you talk no more of it, but let me alone; is any Man so learned as the Devils are? No, indeed (said Pantagruel) without God's especial Grace. Yet for all that (said Panurge) I have argued against them, gravelled and blanked them in Disputation, and laid them so squat upon their

Tails, that I have made them look like Monkies: therefore be assured, that to Mor∣row I will make this vain-glorious Englishman to skite Vinegar before all the World. So Pa∣nurge spent the Night with tipling amongst the Pages, and played away all the Points of his Breeches at primus secundus, and at Peck-point. Yet when the appointed Time was come, he failed not to conduct his Master Pan∣tagruel to the Place, unto which (believe me) there was neither great nor small in Paris but came, thinking with themselves that this devi∣lish Pantagruel, who had overthrown and vanquished in Dispute all these doting fresh∣water Sophisters, would now get full Pay∣ment, and be tickled to some purpose; for this Englishman is another Devil of a Dispu∣tant; we will see who will be Conqueror.

Thus all being assembled, Thaumast stayed for them; and then when Pantagruel and Pa∣nurge came into the Hall, all the School-boys, Professors of Arts, Senior-Sophisters and Bat∣chelors began to clap their Hands, as their scur∣vy Custom is: but Pantagruel cried out with a loud Voice, as if it had been the Sound of a double Cannon, saying, Peace, with a Devil to you, Peace; by G— you Rogues, if you trouble me here, I will cut off the Heads of every one of you. At which Words they re∣mained all daunted and astonished, like so ma∣ny Ducks, and durst not do so much as cough, although they had swallowed fifteen Pounds o••

Feathers: withal they grew so dry with this only Voice, that they laid out their Tongues a full half Foot beyond their Mouths, as if Pan∣tagruel had salted all their Throats. Then be∣gan Panurge to speak, saying to the English∣man, Sir, are you come hither to dispute con∣tentiously in those Propositions you have set down, or otherways but to learn and know the Truth? To which answered Thaumast, Sir, no other thing brought me hither, but the great Desire I had to learn, and to know that of which I have doubted all my Life long, and have neither found Book nor Man able to content me in the Resolution of those Doubts which I have proposed. And as for disputing contentiously, I will not do it, for it is too base a thing, and therefore leave it to those sot∣tish Sophisters, who in their Disputes do not search for the Truth, but for Contradiction only and Debate. Then said Panurge, If I who am but a mean and inconsiderable Disci∣ple of my Master my Lord Pantagruel, content and satisfy you in all and every thing, it were a thing below my said Master, wherewith to trouble him: therefore is it fitter that he be Chair-man, and sit as a Judg and Moderator of our Discourse and Purpose, and give you Satisfaction in many things, wherein perhaps I shall be wanting to your Expectation. Tru∣ly (said Thaumast) it is very well said: begin then. Now you must note that Panurge had set at the End of his long Codpiece a pretty Tuft

of red Silk, as also of white, green and blew, and within it had put a fair Orange.

CHAP. XIX. How Panurge put to a non-plus the English-man that argued by Signs.

EVery Body then taking heed, and harkning with great Silence, the English-man lift up on high into the Air his two Hands several∣ly, clinching in all the Tops of his Fingers together, after the manner they call en Chinon∣nois, the Hens Arse, and struck the one Hand on the other by the Nails four several times: then he opening them, struck the one with the flat of the other, till it yielded a clashing Noise, and that only once: again in joining them as before he struck twice, and afterwards four times in opening them; then did he lay them joined, and extended the one towards the other, as if he had been devoutly to send up his Prayers unto God. Panurge suddenly lifted up in the Air his right Hand, and put the Thumb thereof into the Nostril of the same Side, holding his four Fingers streight out, and closed orderly in a parallel Line to the Point of his Nose, shutting the left Eye wholly, and making the other wink with a profound Depression of the Eye-brows and Eye-lids. Then lifted he up his left Hand, with hard

wringing and stretching forth his four Fingers, and elevating his Thumb, which he held in a Line directly correspondent to the Situation of his right Hand, with the Distance of a Cubit and a half between them. This done, in the same Form he abased towards the Ground, both the one and the other Hand. Lastly, he held them in the midst, as aiming right at the English-man's Nose. And if Mercurie, said the English-man—: there Panurge interrupted him, and said, You have spoken Mask.

Then made the English-man this Sign, his left Hand all open he lifted up into the Air, then instantly shut into his Fist the four Fingers thereof, and his Thumb extended at length he placed upon the Gristle of his Nose. Pre∣sently after he lifted up his right Hand all o∣pen, and all open abased and bent it down∣wards, putting the Thumb thereof in the ve∣ry Place where the little Finger of the left Hand did close in the Fist, and the four right-Hand-Fingers he softly moved in the Air. Then contrarily he did with the right Hand what he had done with the left, and with the left what he had done with the right.

Panurge being not a whit amazed at this, drew out into the Air his Trismegist Codpiece with the left Hand, and with his right drew forth a Trunchion of a white Ox-rib, and two Pieces of Wood of a like Form, one of black Eben, and the other of Incarnation Brasil, and put them betwixt the Fingers of that Hand in

good Symmetrie: then knocking them toge∣ther, made such a Noise as the Lepers of Bri∣tainie use to do with their clappering Clickets, yet better resounding, and far more harmoni∣ous, and with his Tongue contracted in his Mouth, did very merrily warble it, always looking fixedly upon the English-man. The Divines, Physicians and Chirurgions that were there, thought that by this Sign he would have inferred that the English-man was a Le∣per. The Counsellors, Lawyers and Decreta∣lists conceived, that by doing this, he would have concluded some kind of mortal Felicity to consist in Leprosie, as the Lord maintained heretofore.

The English-man for all this was nothing daunted, but holding up his two Hands in the Air, kept them in such Form, that he closed the three Master-fingers in his Fist; and passing his Thumbs thorow his indical and middle Fin∣gers, his auriculary Fingers remained extend∣ed and stretched out, and so presented he them to Panurge: then joined he them so, that the right Thumb touched the left, and the left little Finger touched the right. Hereat Pa∣nurge, without speaking one Word, lift up his Hands and made this Sign.

He put the Nail of the Forefinger of his left Hand, to the Nail of the Thumb of the same, making in the middle of the Distance as it were a Buckle, and of his right Hand shut up all the Fingers into his Fist, except the Forefin∣ger

which he often thrust in and out through the said two others of the left Hand: then stretched he out the Forefinger and middle Fin∣ger or medical of his right Hand, holding them asunder as much as he could, and thrusting them towards Thaumast. Then did he put the Thumb of his left Hand upon the Corner of his left Eye, stretching out all his Hand like the Wing of a Bird, or the Fin of a Fish, and moving it very daintily this way and that way; he did as much with his right Hand upon the Corner of his right Eye. Thaumast began then to wax somewhat pale, and to tremble, and made him this Sign.

With the middle Finger of his right Hand he struck against the Muscle of the Palm or Pulp, which is under the Thumb: then put he the Forefinger of the right Hand in the like Buckle of the left, but he put it under and not over, as Panurge did. Then Panurge knock∣ed one Hand against another, and blowed in his Palm, and put again the Forefinger of his right Hand into the Overture or Mouth of the left, pulling it often in and out: then held he out his Chin, most intensively looking upon Thaumast. The People there which under∣stood nothing in the other Signs, knew very well what therein he demanded, without speaking a Word to Thaumast: What do you mean by that? In Effect, Thaumast then be∣gan to sweat great Drops, and seemed to all the Spectators a Man strangely ravished in high

Contemplation. Then he bethought himself, and put all the Nails of his left Hand against those of his right, opening his Fingers as if they had been Semicircles, and with this Sign lift up his Hands as high as he could. Where∣upon Panurge presently put the Thumb of his right Hand under his Jaws, and the little Fin∣ger thereof in the Mouth of the left Hand, and in this Posture made his Teeth to sound very melodiously, the upper against the lower. With this Thaumast with great Toil and Vexa∣tion of Spirit rose up, but in rising let a great Bakers Fart, for the Bran came after; and pissing withal very strong Vineger, stunk like all the Devils in Hell. The Company began to stop their Nose; for he had conskitted him∣self with meer Anguish and Perplexity. Then lifted he up his right Hand, clinching it in such sort, that he brought the Ends of all his Fin∣gers to meet together; and his left Hand he laid flat upon his Breast. Whereat Panurge drew out his long Codpiece with his Tuft, and stretched it forth a Cubit and a half, holding it in the Air with his right Hand, and with his left took out his Orange, and casting it up in∣to the Air seven times, at the eighth he hid it in the Fist of his right Hand, holding it steadi∣ly up on high, and then began to shake his fair Codpiece, shewing it to Thaumast.

After that Thaumast began to puff up his two Cheeks like a Player on a Bagpipe, and blew as if he had been to puff up a Pig's Blad∣der.

Whereupon Panurge put one Finger of his left Hand in his Nockandrow, and with his Mouth suck'd in the Air, in such a manner as when one eats Oysters in the Shell, or when we sup up our Broth: this done, he opened his Mouth somewhat, and struck his right Hand flat upon it, making therewith a great and a deep Sound, as if it came from the Su∣perficies of the Diaphragma through the Tra∣chiartere: and this he did for sixteen Times; but Thaumast did always keep blowing like a Goose. Then Panurge put the Forefinger of his right Hand into his Mouth, pressing it ve∣ry hard to the Muscles thereof: then he drew it out, and withal made a great Noise, as when little Boys shoot Pellets out of the Pot-cannons made of the hollow Sticks of the Branch of an Elder-tree; and he did it nine times.

Then Thaumast cried out, Ha, my Masters, a great Secret: with this he put in his Hand up to the Elbow; then drew out a Dagger that he had, holding it by the Point down∣wards. Whereat Panurge took his long Cod∣piece, and shook it as hard as he could against his Thighs; then put his two Hands intwined in manner of a Comb upon his Head, laying out his Tongue as far as he was able; and turning his Eyes in his Head, like a Goat that is ready to die. Ha, I understand (said Thau∣mast) but what? making such a Sign, that he put the Haft of his Dagger against his Breast,

and upon the Point thereof the flat of his Hand, turning in a little the Ends of his Fin∣gers; whereat Panurge held down his Head on the left side, and put his middle Finger into his right Ear, holding up his Thumb bolt upright; then he cross'd his two Arms upon his Breast, and coughed five times, and at the fifth time he struck his right Foot a∣gainst the Ground: then he lift up his left Arm, and closing all his Fingers into his Fist, held his Thumb against his Forehead, striking with his right Hand six times against his Breast. But Thaumast, as not content therewith, put the Thumb of his left Hand upon the Top of his Nose, shutting the rest of his said Hand. Whereupon Panurge set his two Master-fingers upon each side of his Mouth, drawing it as much as he was able, and widening it so, that he shewed all his Teeth: and with his two Thumbs pluck'd down his two Eye-lids very low, making therewith a very ill-fa∣vour'd Countenance, as it seemed to the Com∣pany.

CHAP. XX. How Thaumast relateth the Vertues and Know∣ledg of Panurge.

THen Thaumast rose up, and putting off his Cap, did very kindly thank the said Panurge, and with a loud Voice said unto all the People that were there, My Lords, Gen∣tlemen, and others, at this time may I to some good Purpose speak that Evangelical Word, Et ecce plus quàm Salomon hîc. You have here in your Presence an incomparable Treasure, that is, my Lord Pantagruel, whose great Renown hath brought me hither, out of the very Heart of England, to confer with him about the insoluble Problems, both in Magick, Alchymy, the Caballe, Geomancy, Astrology and Philosophy, which I had in my Mind. But at present I am angry, even with Fame it self, which I think was envious to him, for that it did not declare the thousandth Part of the Worth that indeed is in him. You have seen how his Disciple only hath satisfied me, and hath told me more than I asked of him: besides, he hath opened unto me and resolved other inestimable Doubts, wherein I can assure you he hath to me discovered the very true Well, Fountain and Abyss of the Encyclopedeia of Learning; yea in such a sort,

that I did not think I should ever have found a Man that could have made his Skill appear, in so much as the first Elements of that concern∣ing which we disputed by Signs, without speaking either Word or half Word. But in fine, I will reduce into Writing that which we have said and concluded, that the World may not take them to be Fooleries, and will hereafter cause them to be printed, that every one may learn as I have done. Judg then what the Master had been able to say, seeing the Disciple hath done so valiantly; for, Non est Discipulus super Magistrum. Howsoever God be praised, and I do very humbly thank you for the Honour that you have done us at this Act: God reward you for it eternally. The like Thanks gave Pantagruel to all the Com∣pany; and going from thence, he carried Thaumast to Dinner with him, and believe that they drank as much as their Skins could hold; or, as the Phrase is, with unbottomed Bellies, (for in that Age they made fast their Bellies with Buttons, as we do now the Collars of our Doublets) even till they neither knew where they were, nor whence they came. Blessed Lady, how they did carouze it, and pluck (as we say) at the Kids Leather; and Flaggons to trot, and they to toot, Draw, give (Page) some Wine; here, reach hither, fill with a Devil, so? There was not one but did drink five and twenty or thirty Pipes, can you tell how? even sicut terra sine aqua; for

the Weather was hot; and besides that, they were very dry. In Matter of the Exposition of the Propositions set down by Thaumast; and the Signification of the Signs which they used in their Disputation, I would have set them down for you according to their own Relation; but I have been told that Thaumast made a great Book of it, imprinted at London, wherein he hath set down all without omitting any thing, and therefore at this Time I do pass by it.

CHAP. XXI. How Panurge was in love with a Lady of Paris.

PAnurge began to be in great Reputation in the City of Paris, by Means of this Dis∣putation, wherein he prevailed against the English-man, and from thenceforth made his Codpiece to be very useful to him, to which Effect he had it pinked with pretty little Em∣broideries, after the Romanesca Fashion: And the World did praise him publickly, in so far that there was a Song made of him, which little Children did use to sing when they went to fetch Mustard. He was withal made wel∣come in all Companies of Ladies and Gentle∣women; so that at last he became presumptu∣ous, and went about to bring to his lure one of the greatest Ladies in the City: And indeed

leaving a Rabble of long Prologues and Pro∣testations, which ordinarily these dolent con∣templative Lent-lovers make, who never med∣dle with the Flesh; one Day he said unto her, Madam, it would be a very great Benefit to the Commonwealth, delightful to you, ho∣nourable to your Progeny, and necessary for me, that I cover you for the propagating of my Race; and believe it, for Experience will teach it you. The Lady at this Word thrust him back above a hundred Leagues, saying, You mischievous Fool, is it for you to talk thus unto me? whom do you think you have in hand? be gone, never to come in my Sight again; for if one thing were not, I would have your Legs and Arms cut off.

Well, (said he) that were all one to me, to want both Legs and Arms, provided you and I had but one merry bout together at the brangle Buttock-game; for here within is (in shewing her his long Codpiece) Master Iohn Thursday, who will play you such an Antick, that you shall feel the Sweetness thereof even to the very Marrow of your Bones: He is a Gallant, and doth so well know how to find out all the Corners, Creeks and ingrained In∣mates in your carnal Trap, that after him there needs no Broom, he'l sweep so well be∣fore, and leave nothing to his Followers to work upon. Whereunto the Lady answered, Go Villain, go, if you speak to me one such Word more, I will cry out, and make you to

be knocked down with Blows. Ha, (said he) you are not so bad as you say, no, or else I am deceived in your Physiognomy; for sooner shall the Earth mount up unto the Heavens, and the highest Heavens descend unto the Hells, and all the Course of Nature be quite pervert∣ed▪ than that in so great Beauty and Neatness as in you is, there should be one Drop of Gall or Malice: They say indeed, that hardly shall a Man ever see a fair Woman that is not also stubborn; yet that is spoke only of those vul∣gar Beauties, but yours is so excellent, so sin∣gular, and so heavenly, that I believe Nature hath given it you as a Paragon and Master∣piece of her Art, to make us know what she can do, when she will imploy all her Skill, and all her Power. There is nothing in you but Honey, but Sugar, but a sweet and ce∣lestial Manna. To you it was to whom Paris ought to have adjudged the golden Apple, not to Venus, no nor to Iuno, nor to Miner∣va; for never was there so much Magnificence in Iuno, so much Wisdom in Minerva, nor so much Comeliness in Venus, as there is in you.

O heavenly Gods and Goddesses! how hap∣py shall that Man be to whom you will grant the Favour to embrace her, to kiss her, and to rub his Bacon with hers? by G— that shall be I, I know it well; for she loves me already her Belly full, I am sure of it; and so was I predestinated to it by the Fairies. And there∣fore

that we lose no Time, put on, thrust out your Gamons: Then he would have imbraced her; but she made as if she would put out her Head at the Window, to call her Neighbours for Help. Then Panurge on a sudden ran out, and in his running away said, Madam, stay here till I come again, I will go call them my self, do not you take so much Pains. Thus went he away, not much caring for the Re∣pulse he had got, nor made he any whit the worse cheer for it. The next Day he came to the Church, at the Time that she went to Mass; at the Door he gave her some of the Holy Water, bowing himself very low before her: afterwards he kneeled down by her very familiarly, and said unto her, Madam, know that I am so amorous of you, that I can neither piss nor dung for love: I do not know (Lady) what you mean, but if I should take any hurt by it, how much would you be to blame?

Go, said she, go, I do not care, let me alone to say my Prayers. Ay but (said he) equi∣vocate upon a Beaumon le viconte. I cannot, said she. It is, said he, a beau con le vit mon∣te: and upon this pray to God to give you that which your noble Heart desireth; and I pray you give me these Patenotres. Take them (said she) and trouble me no longer. This done, she would have taken off her Patenotres, which were made of a kind of yellow Stone called Cestrin, and adorned with great Spots of Gold; but Panurge nimbly drew out one

of his Knives, wherewith he cut them off very handsomly; and whilst he was going away to carry them to the Brokers, he said to her, Will you have my Knife? No, no, said she. But (said he) to the Point, I am at your Com∣mandment, Body and Goods, Tripes and Bowels.

In the mean time the Lady was not well content with the Want of her Patinotres, for they were one of her Implements to keep her Countenance by in the Church; then thought with her self, this bold flouting Royster is some giddy, fantastical, light-headed Fool of a strange Country; I shall never recover my Patenotres again, what will my Husband say? he will no doubt be angry with me; but I will tell him that a Thief hath cut them off from my Hands in the Church, which he will easily believe, seeing the End of the Ribbon left at my Girdle. After Dinner Panurge went to see her, carrying in his Sleeve a great Purse full of Palace-crowns, (called Counters) and began to say unto her, Which of us two loveth other best, you me, or I you? Whereunto she an∣swered, As for me, I do not hate you; for as God commands, I love all the World. But to the Point, (said he) are not you in love with me? I have (said she) told you so many times already, that you should talk so no more to me; and if you speak of it again, I will teach you, that I am not one to be talked unto dishonestly: get you hence packing, and deli∣ver

me my Patenotres, that my Husband may not ask me for them.

How now, (Madam) said he, your Pate∣notres? Nay, by mine Oath I will not do so, but I will give you others; had you rather have them of Gold well enamelled in great round Knobs, or after the manner of Love-knots, or otherwise all massive, like great In∣gots; or if you had rather have them of Ebene, of Iacinth, or of grained Gold, with the Marks of fine Turkoises, or of fair Topazes, marked with fine Saphirs, or of baleu Rubies, with great Marks of Diamonds of eight and twenty Squares? No, no, all this is too little. I know a fair Bracelet of fine Emeraulds, marked with spotted Ambergris, and at the Buckle a Persian Pearl as big as an Orange; it will not cost above five and twenty thousand Ducats, I will make you a Present of it, for I have ready Coin enough; and withal he made a Noise with his Counters as if they had been French Crowns.

Will you have a Piece of Velvet, either of the Violet Colour, or of Crimson died in Grain; or a piece of broached or crimson Sat∣tin? Will you have Chains, Gold, Tablets, Rings? You need no more but say, Yes; so far as fifty thousand Ducats may reach, it is but as nothing to me. By the Virtue of which Words he made the Water come in her Mouth. But she said unto him, No, I thank you, I will have nothing of you. By G— said he,

but I will have somewhat of you; yet shall it be that which shall cost you nothing, neither shall you have a jot the less, when you have given it: hold, (shewing his long Codpiece) this is Master Iohn Goodfellow, that asks for Lodging, and with that would have imbraced her; but she began to cry out, yet not very loud. Then Panurge put off his counterfeit Garb, changed his false Visage, and said unto her, You will not then otherways let me do a little, a Turd for you, you do not deserve so much Good, nor so much Honour: but by G— I will make the Dogs ride you, and with this he ran away as fast as he could, for fear of Blows, whereof he was naturally fearful.

CHAP. XXII. How Panurge served the Parisian Lady a Trick that pleased her not very well.

NOW you must note that the next Day was the great Festival of Corpus Christi, called the Sacre, wherein all Women put on their best Apparel; and on that Day the said Lady was clothed in a rich Gown of Crimson-Sattin, under which she wore a very costly white Velvet Petticoat.

Now on the Vigil, Panurge searched so long of one side and another, that he found a hot or salt Bitch, which when he had tied her

with his Girdle, he led to his Chamber, and fed her very well all that Day and Night; in the Morning thereafter he killed her, and took that Part of her which the Greek Geomanciers know, and cut it into several Pieces as small as he could; then carrying it away as close as might be, he went to the Place where the La∣dy was to come along to follow the Procession, as the Custom is upon the said Holy Day. And when she came in, Panurge sprinkled some ho∣ly Water on her, saluting her very courteously. Then a little while after she had said her petty Devotions, he sat down close by her upon the same Bench, and gave her this Roundlay in Writing, in manner as followeth.

A Roundlay.

Lady for once, because my Case I told you, am I out of Grace? That you should so severely call Me to be gone for Good and all, Who never had deserv'd your Frown By Word, Deed, Letter, or Lampoon. You might deny me what I sought, And not have call'd me all to nought, Because I would have had a Bout,

Lady for once.

It hurts you not that I complain Of my intolerable Pain;

Of bloudy Wound, and deadly Dart, Wherewith your Beauty thrills my Heart▪ And since from thence my Torment came, O grant some little of that same,

Lady for once.

And as she was opening this Paper to see what it was, Panurge very promptly and lightly scattered the Drug that he had upon her in divers Places, but especially in the Plaits of her Sleeves, and of her Gown: then said he unto her, Madam, the poor Lovers are not always at ease. As for me, I hope that those heavy Nights, those Pains and Troubles which I suffer for Love of you, shall be a De∣duction to me of so much Pain in Purgatory: yet at the least pray to God to give me Pati∣ence in my Misery. Panurge had no sooner spoke this, but all the Dogs that were in the Church came running to this Lady with the Smell of the Drugs that he had strowed upon her, both small and great, big and little, all came, laying out their Member; smelling to her, and pissing every where upon her; it was the greatest Villany in the World.

Panurge made some Offers of driving them away; then took his leave of her, and with∣drew himself into a Chappel or Oratory of the said Church, to see the Sport; for these villanous Dogs did compiss all her Habilia∣ments, and left none of her Attire unbe∣sprinkled

with their Staling, in so much that a tall Grey-hound piss'd upon her Head; others in her Sleeves; others on her Crupper-piece; and the little ones pissed upon her Pattains: so that all the Women that were round about her had much ado to save her. Whereat Pa∣nurge very heartily laughing, he said to one of the Lords of the City, I believe that the same Lady is hot, or else that some Grey-hound hath covered her lately. And when he saw that all the Dogs were flocking about her, yarring at the Retardment of their Access to her, and every way keeping such a Coil with her as they are wont to do about a proud or salt Bitch; he forthwith departed from thence, and went to call Pantagruel; not forgetting in his way alongst all the Streets thorow which he went, where he found any Dogs, to give them a Bang with his Foot, saying, Will you not go with your Fellows to the Wedding? Away hence, avant, avant, with a Devil a∣vant. And being come home, he said to Pantagruel, Master, I pray you come and see all the Dogs of the Country, how they are as∣sembled about a Lady, the fairest in the City, and would dufle and line her. Whereunto Pantagruel willingly condescended, and saw the Mystery, which he found very pretty and strange. But the best was at the Procession, in which were seen above six hundred thou∣sand and fourteen Dogs about her, which did very much trouble and molest her; and whi∣thersoever

she pass'd, those Dogs that came afresh, tracing her Footsteps, followed her at the Heels, and piss'd in the way where her Gown had touched.

All the World stood gazing at this Spectacle, considering the Countenance of those Dogs, who leaping up got about her Neck, and spoil∣ed all her gorgeous Accoutrements, for the which she could find no Remedy, but to re∣tire unto her House, which was a Palace. Thi∣ther she went, and the Dogs after her; she ran to hide her self, but the Chamber-maids could not abstain from Laughing. When she was entred into the House, and had shut the Door upon her self, all the Dogs came running, of half a League round, and did so well bepiss the Gate of her House, that there they made a Stream with their Urine, wherein a Duck might have very well swimmed, and it is the same Current that now runs at St. Victor, in which Gobelin dieth Scarlet, for the specifical Vertue of these Piss-Dogs, as our Master Do∣ribus did heretofore preach publickly. So may God help you; a Mill would have ground Corn with it; yet not so much as those of Ba∣sacle at Toulouse.

CHAP. XXIII. How Pantagruel departed from Paris, hearing News that the Dipsodes had invaded the Land of the Amaurots: and the Cause wherefore the Leagues are so short in France.

A Little while after Pantagruel heard News that his Father Gargantua had been translated into the Land of the Fairies by Morgue, as heretofore were Oger and Arthur: and that the Report of his Translation being spread abroad, the Dipsodes had issued out beyond their Borders, with Inrodes had wa∣sted a great part of Vtopia, and at that very time had besieged the great City of the Amau∣rots. Whereupon departing from Paris, with∣out bidding any Man farewel, for the Busi∣ness required Diligence, he came to Rowen.

Now Pantagruel in his Journey, seeing that the Leagues of that little Territory about Pa∣ris, called France, were very short in regard of those of other Countries, demanded the cause and reason of it from Panurge; who told him a Story which Marotus du Lac Monachus set down in the Acts of the Kings of Ca∣narre; saying, that in old times Countries were not distinguished into Leagues, Miles, Furlongs, nor Parasanges, until that King Pharamond divided them, which was done in

manner as followeth. The said King chose at Paris a hundred fair, gallant, lusty, brisk young Men, all resolute and bold Adventu∣rers in Cupid's Duels, together with a hundred comely, pretty, handsome, lovely and well complexioned Wenches of Picardy, all which he caused to be well entertained, and highly fed for the space of eight days; then having called for them, he delivered to every one of the young Men his Wench, with store of Money to defray their Charges, and this In∣junction besides, to go unto divers Places here and there. And wheresoever they should bi••cot and thrum their Wenches, that they setting a Stone there, it should be accounted for a League. Thus went away those brave Fel∣lows and sprightly Blades most merrily, and because they were fresh, and had been at rest, they were jumming and tumbling almost at every Field's end, and this is the Cause why the Leagues about Paris are so short. But when they had gone a great way, and were now as weary as poor Devils, all the Oil in their Lamps being almost spent, they did not chink and dufle so often, but content∣ed themselves, (I mean for the Mens part) with one scurvy paultry Bout in a day. And this is that which makes the Leagues in Bri∣tany, Delanes, Germany, and other more re∣mote Countries so long. Other Men give o∣ther Reasons for it, but this seems to me of all other the best. To which Pantagruel wil∣lingly

adhered. Parting from Rowen, they arrived at Honfleur, and there took shipping, Pantagruel, Panurge, Epistemon, Eusthenes and Carpalim.

In which Place, waiting for a favourable Wind, and caulking their Ship, he received from a Lady of Paris (that had formerly been kept by him a long time) a Letter directed on the out-side thus:

To the best Beloved of the Fayr, And the least Loyal of the Brave. PNTGRL.

CHAP. XXIV. A Letter which a Messenger brought to Panta∣gruel from a Lady of Paris; together with the Exposition of a Posy, written in a Gold-Ring.

WHen Pantagruel had read the Super∣scription, he was much amazed, and therefore demanded of the said Messenger the Name of her that had sent it. Then open∣ed he the Letter, and found nothing written in it, nor otherways inclosed, but only a Gold Ring, with a square Table-Diamond. Won∣dering at this, he called Panurge to him, and

shewed him the case; whereupon Panurge told him, that the Leaf of Paper was writ∣ten upon, but with such Cunning and Arti∣fice, that no Man could see the Writing at the first sight; therefore to find it out, he set it by the Fire, to see if it was made with Sal Almo∣niack soaked in Water: then put he it into the Water, to see if the Letter was written with the Juice of Tithymalle. After that he held it up a∣gainst the Candle, to see if it was written with the Juice of white Onions.

Then he rubbed one part of it with Oil of Nuts, to see if it were not written with the Lee of a Fig-tree: and another part of it with the Milk of a Woman giving Suck to her el∣dest Daughter, to see if it was written with the Blood of red Toads, or green Earth-frogs. Afterwards he rubbed one Corner with the Ashes of a Swallow's Nest, to see if it were not written with the Dew that is found within the Herb Alcakengy, called the Winter-cherry. He rubbed after that one end with Ear-wax, to see if it were not written with the Gall of a Raven. Then did he dip it into Vineger, to try if it was not written with the Juice of the Garden Spurge. After that he greased it with the Fat of a Bat or Flittermouse, to see if it was not written with the Sperm of a Whale, which some call Ambergris. Then put it ve∣ry fairly into a Basin full of fresh Water, and forthwith took it out, to see whether it were written with Stone-allum. But after all Expe∣riments,

when he perceived that he could find out nothing, he called the Messenger, and asked him, Good Fellow, the Lady that sent thee hither, did she not give thee a Staff to bring with thee? thinking that it had been according to the Conceit, whereof Aulus Gel∣lius maketh mention; and the Messenger an∣swered him, No, Sir. Then Panurge would have caused his Head to be shaven, to see whe∣ther the Lady had written upon his bald Pate, with the hard Lee whereof Sope is made, that which she meant; but perceiving that his Hair was very long, he forbore, considering that it could not have grown to so great a length in so short a time.

Then he said to Pantagruel, Master, by the Virtue of G— I cannot tell what to do nor say in it. For to know whether there be any thing written upon this or no, I have made use of a good part of that which Master Fran∣cisco di Nianto, the Tuscan sets down, who hath written the Manner of reading Letters that do not appear. That which Zoroastes published, Peri grammaton acriton. And Cal∣phurnius Bassus de literis illigibilibus. But I can see nothing, nor do I believe that there is any thing else in it than the Ring. Let us therefore look upon it; which when they had done, they found this in Hebrew written with∣in, Lamach sabathani; whereupon they called Epistemon, and asked him what that meant? to which he answered, that they were He∣brew

Words, signifying, Wherefore hast thou forsaken me? Upon that Panurge suddenly re∣plied, I know the Mystery, do you see this Diamond? it is a false one. This then is the Exposition of that which the Lady means, Diamant faux; that is, false Lover, why hast thou forsaken me? Which Interpretation Pan∣tagruel presently understood, and withal re∣membering, that at his Departure he had not bid the Lady farewel; he was very sorry, and would fain have returned to Paris, to make his Peace with her. But Epistemon put him in mind of Aeneas's Departure from Dido, and the Saying of Heraclitus of Tarentum, That the Ship being at anchor when need requireth, we must cut the Cable rather than lose time a∣bout untying of it. And that he should lay a∣side all other Thoughts to succour the City of his Nativity, which was then in danger. And indeed within an Hour after that, the Wind arose at the North North-west; where∣with they hoised Sail, and put out, even into the main Sea; so that within few Days, pas∣sing by Porto Sancto, and by the Maderas, they went Ashore in the Canary Islands: Part∣ing from thence, they passed by Capobianco, by Senege, by Capoverde, by Gambre, by Sa∣gres, by Melli, by the Cap di buona Speranza, and set ashore again in the Kingdom of Me∣linda: parting from thence, they sailed a∣way with a Tramoutan or Northerly Wind, passing by Meden, by Vti, by Vden, by Ge∣lasim,

by the Isles of the Fairies, and alongst the Kingdom of Achory, till at last they arrived at the Port of Vtopia, distant from the City of the Amaurots three Leagues and some∣what more.

When they were ashore, and pretty well refreshed, Pantagruel said, Gentlemen, the City is not far from hence, therefore were it not amiss before we set forward, to advise well what is to be done, that we be not like the A∣thenians, who never took Counsel until after the Fact: Are you resolved to live and die with me? Yes, Sir, said they all, and be as con∣fident of us, as of your own Fingers. Well, (said he) there is but one thing that keeps my Mind in great doubt and suspense, which is this, that I know not in what Order nor of what Number the Enemy is, that layeth siege to the City; for if I were certain of that, I should go forward, and set on with the bet∣ter assurance. Let us therefore consult toge∣ther, and bethink our selves by what means we may come to this Intelligence. Where∣unto they all said, Let us go thither and see, and stay you here for us; for this very Day, without further respite, do we make account to bring you a certain Report thereof.

My self (said Panurge) will undertake to enter into their Camp, within the very midst of their Guards, unespied by their Watch, and merrily feast and lecher it at their cost, with∣out being known of any, to see the Artillery

and the Tents of all the Captains, and thrust my self in with a grave and magnifick Carriage, amongst all their Troops and Companies, with∣out being discovered, the Devil would not be a∣ble to peck me out with all his Circumven∣tions: for I am of the Race of Zopyrus.

And I (said Epistemon) know all the Plots and Stratagems of the valiant Captains, and warlike Champions of former Ages, together with all the Tricks and Subtilties of the Art of War. I will go, and though I be detected and revealed, I will escape, by making them believe of you whatever I please; for I am of the Race of Sinon.

I (said Eusthenes) will enter and set upon them in their Trenches, in spight of their Sen∣tries, and all their Guards; for I will tread up∣on their Bellies, and break their Legs and Arms, yea though they were every whit as strong as the Devil himself; for I am of the Race of Hercules.

And I (said Carpalin) will get in there, if the Birds can enter; for I am so nimble of Body, and light withal, that I shall have leaped over their Trenches, and ran clean through all their Camp, before that they perceive me: neither do I fear Shot, nor Arrow, nor Horse, how swift soever, were he the Pegasus of Persee, or ••acolet, being assured that I shall be able to make a safe and sound escape before them all without any hurt. I will undertake to walk upon the Ears of Corn, or Grass in the Mea∣dows, without making either of them do so

much as bow under me; for I am of the Race of Camilla the Amazone.

CHAP XXV. How Panurge, Carpalin, Eusthenes and Episte∣mon, (the Gentlemen Attendants of Panta∣gruel) vanquished and discomfited six hun∣dred and threescore Horse-men very cun∣ningly.

AS he was speaking this, they perceived six hundred and threescore light Horse-men, gallantly mounted, who came to discover what Ship and Company it was that was newly arrived in the Harbour; and came in a full Gallop to take them if they had been able. Then said Pantagruel, my Lads, re∣tire your selves unto the Ship, here are some of our Enemies coming apace, but I will kill them here before you like Beasts, although they were ten times so many; in the mean time withdraw your selves, and take your sport at it. Then answered Panurge, No, Sir, there is no reason that you should do so; but on the contrary, retire you unto the Ship, both you and the rest; for I alone will here discomfit them, but we must not linger, come, set forward. Whereunto the others said, It is well advised; Sir, withdraw your self, and we will help Panurge here, so shall you know

what we are able to do. Then said Pantagruel, Well, I am content, but if that you be too weak, I will not fail to come to your assi∣stance.

With this Panurge took two great Cables of the Ship, and tied them to the Capstane which was on the Deck towards the Hatches, and fastned them in the Ground, making a long Circuit, the one further off, the other within that. Then said he to Epistemon, Go aboard the Ship, and when I give you a Call, turn about the Capstane upon the Or∣lop diligently, drawing unto you the two Ca∣ble-robes. And said to Eusthenes, and to Car∣palin, My Bullies, stay you here, and offer your selves freely to your Enemies, do as they bid you, and make as if you would yield unto them: but take heed you come not within the Compass of the Ropes; be sure to keep your selves free of them. And presently he went aboard the Ship, and took a Bundle of Straw, and a Barrel of Gun-powder, strewed it round about the Compass of the Cords, and stood by with a Brand of Fire or Match lighted in his Hand. Presently came the Horse-men with great Fury, and the foremost ran almost home to the Ship; and by reason of the Slipperiness of the Bank, they fell they and their Horses, to the number of four and fourty; which the rest seeing, came on, think∣ing that Resistance had been made them at their arrival. But Panurge said unto them,

My Masters, I believe that you have hurt your selves; I pray you pardon us, for it is not our Fault, but the Slipperiness of the Sea-water that is always flowing: we sub∣mit our selves to your good pleasure: So said likewise his two other Fellows, and E∣pistemon that was upon the Deck. In the mean time, Panurge withdrew himself, and seeing that they were all within the Com∣pass of the Cables, and that his two Compa∣nions were retired, making room for all those Horses which came in a Croud, thronging up∣on the Neck of one another to see the Ship, and such as were in it, cried out on a sudden to Epistemon, Draw, draw. Then began E∣pistemon to wind about the Capstane, by do∣ing whereof the two Cables so intangled and impestered the Legs of the Horses, that they were all of them thrown down to the Ground easily, together with their Riders. But they seeing that, drew their Swords, and would have cut them. Whereupon Panurge set Fire to the Train, and there burnt them up all like damned Souls, both Men and Horses, not one escaping save one alone; who being mounted on a fleet Turky Cour∣ser, by meer speed in Flight got himself out of the Circle of the Ropes. But when Carpalin perceived him, he ran after him with such Nimbleness and Celerity, that he overtook him in less than a hundred Pa∣ces; than leaping close behind him up∣on

the Crupper of his Horse, clasped him in his Arms, and brought him back to the Ship.

This Exploit being ended, Pantagruel was very jovial, and wondrously commended the Industry of these Gentlemen, whom he called his Fellow-Souldiers, and made them re∣fresh themselves, and feed well and merrily upon the Sea-shore, and drink heartily with their Bellies upon the Ground, and their Pri∣soner with them, whom they admitted to that Familiarity; only that the poor Devil was not well assured but that Pantagruel would have eaten him up whole; which, considering the Wideness of his Mouth, and Capacity of his Throat, was no great mat∣ter for him to have done; for he could have done it, as easily as you would eat a small Comfit, he shewing no more in his Throat than would a Grain of Millet-Seed in the Mouth of an Ass.

CHAP. XXVI. How Pantagruel and his Company were weary in eating still salt Meats: and how Carpa∣lin went a hunting to have some Venison.

THus as they talked and chatted together, Carpalin said, And by the Belly of St. Quenet, shall we never eat any Venison? this salt Meat makes me horribly dry. I will go fetch you a Quarter of one of those Horses which we have burnt, it is well roasted already. As he was rising up to go about it, he perceived under the side of a Wood a fair great Roe-Buck, which was come out of his Fort (as I conceive) at the sight of Panurge's fire. Him did he pur∣sue and run after with as much Vigour and Swiftness as if it had been a Bolt out of a Cross∣bow, and caught him in a moment; and whilst he was in his Course, he with his Hands took in the Air four great Bustards, seven Bit∣terns, six and twenty gray Partridges, two and thirty red legged Ones, sixteen Pheasants, nine Woodcocks, nineteen Herons, two and thirty Coushots and Ring-Doves: and with his Feet killed ten or twelve Hares and Rabbets, which were then at relief, and pretty big withal. Eigh∣teen Rayles in a knot together, with fifteen young wild Boars, two little Bevers, and three great Foxes. So striking the Kid with his Fau∣chion

athwart the Head, he killed him, and bea∣ring him on his Back, he in his return took up his Hares, Rayls, and young wild Boa••s, and as far off as he could be heard, cried out, and said, Panurge, my Friend, Vineger, Vineger. Then the good Pantagruel, thinking he had fainted, commanded them to provide him some Vineger. But Panurge knew well that there was some good Prey in hands, and forthwith shewed unto noble Pantagruel how he was bearing upon his Back a fair Roe-Buck, and all his Girdle bordered with Hares; then imme∣diately did Epistemon make in the name of the nine Muses, nine antick wooden Spits. Eust∣henes did help to flay, and Panurge placed two great Cuirasier Saddles in such sort, that they served for Andirons; and making their Priso∣ner to be their Cook, they roasted their Veni∣son by the Fire, wherein the Horsemen were burnt. And making great C••ear, with a good deal of Vineger, the Devil a one of them did forbear from his Victuals; it was a triumphant and incomparable Spectacle to see how they ra∣vened and devoured. Then said Pantagruel, Would to God every one of you had two Pairs of Sacring Bells hanging at your Chin, and that I had at mine the great Clocks of Ren••s, of Poit••ers, of Tours, and of Cambray, to see what a Peal they would ••ing with the Wagging of our Chaps.

But, said Panurge, it were better we thought a little upon our business, and by what means

we might get the upper hand of our Enemies· That is well remembred, said Pantagruel; therefore spoke he thus to the Prisoner, My Friend, tell us here the truth, and do not lie to us at all, if thou wouldest not be slayed alive, for it is I that eat the little Children: relate un∣to us at full, the Order, the Number, and the Strength of the Army. To which the Prisoner answered, Sir, know for a truth that in the Ar∣my there are three hundred Giants, all armed with Armour of proof, and wonderful great: nevertheless, not fully so great as you, except one that is their head, named Loup-garou, who is armed from Head to Foot with Cyclopical Annvils. Furthermore, one hundred three∣score and three thousand Foot, all armed with the Skins of Hobgoblins, strong and valiant Men; eleven thousand four hundred Cuirasiers; three thousand six hundred double Canons, and Harque-busiers without number; fourscore and fourteen thousand Pioneers: one hundred and fifty thousand Whores▪ fair like Goddesses, (that is for me, said Panurge.) Whereof some are Amazons, some Lionnoises, others Parisien∣nes, Taurangelles, Angevines▪ Poictevines, Nor∣mands, and high Dutch; there are of them of all Countrys and all Languages.

Yea, but (said Pantagruel) is the King there? Yes, Sir, (said the Prisoner) he is there in Person, and we call him Anarchus, King of the Dipsodes; which is as much to say, as thirsty People; for you never saw Men more

thirsty, nor more willing to drink; and his Tent is guarded by the Giants. It is enough, (said Pantagruel) come brave Boys, are you re∣solved to go with me? To which Panurge an∣swered, God confound him that leaves you. I have already bethought my self how I will kill them all like Pigs, and so that the Devil one Leg of them shall escape. But I am somewhat troubled about one thing. And what is that? said Pantagruel: It is (said Panurge) how I shall be able to set forward to the jusling and bragmardising of all the Whores that be there this Afternoon, in such sort, that there escape not one unbumped by me; breasted and jum'd after the ordinary Fashion of Man and Women. Ha, ha, ha, ha, said Pantagruel.

And Carpalin said, The Devil take these Sink-holes, if by G— I do not bumbast some one of them.

And I, (said Eusthenes) what d'ye make of me? who since we came from Rowen have never been wound up that my Needle could mount above to ten or eleven a Clock, now stiff and strong, like a hundred Devils? Truly, (said Panurge) thou shalt have of the fattest, and of those that are most plump, and in the case.

How now, (said Epistemon) every one shall ride, and I must lead the Ass? the Devil take him that will do so. We will make use of the right of War, Qui potest capere, capiat. No, no, said Panurge, but tie thine Ass to a Crook,

and ride as the World doth. And the good Pantagruel laughed at all this, and said unto them, You reckon without your Host. I am much afraid, that before it be Night I shall see you in such taking, that you will have no great sto∣mach to ride▪ but more like to be rode upon, with sound Blows of Pike and Lance.

Enough of that, said Epistemon, I will not fall to bring them to you, either to rost or boil, to fry or put in Paste. They are not so many in number as were in the Army of Xerxes; for he had thirty hundred thousand sighting Men, if you will believe Herodotus and Tro∣gus Pompeius; and yet Themistocles with a few Men overthrew them all. For God's sake take you no care for that. Cobsminnie, Cobsminnie, (said Panurge) my Cod-piece alone shall suffice to overthrow all the Men: and St. Sweephole that dwells within it, shall lay all the Women squat upon their Backs. Up then my Lads (said Pantagruel) and let us march along.

CHAP. XXVII. How Pantagruel set up one Trophee in memorial of their Valour, and Panurge another in re∣membrance of the Hares. How Pantagruel likewise with his Farts begat little Men, and with his Fisgs little Women. And how Panurge broke a great Staff over two Glasses.

BEfore we depart hence, (said Pantagruel) in remembrance of the Exploit that you have now performed, I will in this Place erect a fair Trophee. Then every Man amongst them with great Joy, and fine little Country-Songs, set up a huge big Post; whereunto they hanged a great Cuirasier Saddle, the Fronstal of a barbed Horse, Bridle-bosses, Pully-pieces for the Knees, Stir∣rup-leathers, Spurs, Stirrups, a Coat of Male, a Corslet tempered with Steel, a Battel-axe, a strong, short, and sharp Horseman's Sword; a Gantlet, a Horseman's Mace, Gushet-armour for the Arms-pits, Leg-harness, and a Gorget, with all other Furniture needful for a triumphant Arch, or Trophee. And then Pantagruel for an eternal Memorial, wrote this victorial Ditton, as followeth:

Here four bold Champions had a Rubbers With sixty, and six hundred Lubbers; Destroy'd 'em all, yet when they fought 'em, Had not their Arms, but Wits about 'em:

So play'd the Skoundrels such a Trick, Old Scipio never knew the like. Learn hence, Kings, Dukes, all, great and little; 'Tis Wit, not Strength, that wins the Battle.

For Victorie, As all agree, Hangs on the Beck Of Pow'rs above, Who surely move The Proud to check.

The Strong are baffl'd, without question, Or doubt of any that's a Christian. And he ('tis only he) can have it, Who has the Grace, and Faith to crave it.

Whilst Pantagruel was writing these foresaid Verses, Panurge halved, and fixed upon a great Stake, the Horns of a Roe-buck, together with the Skin, and the right Fore••oot thereof; the Ears of three Levrets, the Chine of a Coney, the Jaws of a Hare, the Wings of two Bu∣stards, the Feet of four Queest-doves, a Bottle full of Vineger, a Horn wherein to put Salt, a wooden Spit, a larding Stick, a scurvy Kettle full of Holes, a dripping Pan, a Skillet to make Sauce in, an earthen Salt-cellar, and a Goblet of Beauvais. Then in Imitation of Pantagru∣el's Verses and Trophee, wrote that which fol∣loweth:

Here four brave Topers sitting on their Bums, With Flaggons, nobler Noise than Drums,

Carows'd it, bows'd it, toss'd the Liquor, Each seem'd a Bacchus-Priest, or Vicar: Hares, Coneys, Bustards, Pigs were brought 'em, With Jugs and Pipkins strew'd about 'em; For Trophee-Spoils to each good Fellow. That is hereafter to be Mellow.

In every Creed, 'Tis on all hands agreed, And plainly confest; When the Weather is hot, That we stick to the Pot, And drink o' the best.

First note, that in your Bill of Fare, Sawce be provided for the Rare. But Vinegar the most extol; 'Tis of an Hare the very Soul.

Then (said Pantagruel), Come, my Lads, let us be gone, we have stayed here too long a∣bout our Victuals; for very seldom doth it fall out, that the greatest Eaters do the most Martial Exploits. There is no Shadow like that of fly∣ing Colours, no Smoke like that of Horses, no Clattering like that of Armour. At this E∣pistemon began to smile, and said, There is no Shadow like that of the Kitchin, no Smoke like that of Pasties, and no Clattering like that of Goblets. Unto which answered Panurge, There is no Shadow like that of Courtains, no Smoke like that of Womens Breasts, and no Clattering like that of Ballocks: then forthwith rising

up he gave a Fart, a Leap, and a Whistle, and most joyfully cried out aloud, Ever live, Panta∣gruel. When Pantagruel saw that, he would have done as much; but with the Fart that he let, the Earth trembled nine Leagues about; wherewith, and with the corrupted Air, he begot above three and fifty thousand little Men, ill favoured Dwarfs; and with one Fisg that he let, he made as many little Women, crouching down, as you shall see in divers places, which never grow but like Cows Tails downwards, or like the Li∣mosin Radishes, round. How now, (said Pa∣nurge) are your Farts so fertil? by G— here be brave farted Men, and fisgued Women; let them be married together, they will beget fine Hornets and Dorflies. So did Pantagruel, and called them Pigmies. Those he sent to live in an Island thereby, where since that time they are increased mightily: but the Cranes make War with them continually, against which they do most couragiously defend themselves; for these little Ends of Men and Dandiprats, (whom in Scotland they call Whiphandles, and Knots of a Tar-barrel) are commonly very teasty and cho∣lerick. The Physical Reason whereof, is, be∣cause their Heart is near their Turd.

At this same time, Panurge took two drink∣ing Glasses that were there, both of one bigness, and filled them with Water up to the brim, and set one of them upon one Stool, and the other upon another, placing them above five Foot from one another: then he took the Staff of a

Javelin, about five Foot and a half long, and put it upon the two Glasses, so that the two ends of the Staff did come just to the Brims of the Glasses. This done, he took a great Stake, and said to Pantagruel, and to the rest; My Masters, behold, how easily we shall have the Victory over our Enemies; for just as I shall break this Staff here upon these Glasses, with••out either breaking or crazing of them; nay, which is more, without spilling one drop of the Water that is within them, even so shall we break the Heads of our Dipsodes, without receiving any of us any Wound or Loss in our Person or Goods. But that you may not think there is any Witchcraft in this, hold (said he to Eusthenes) strike upon the midst as hard as thou canst with this Log. Eusthenes did so, and the Staff broke in two pieces, and not one drop of the Water fell out of the Glasses. Then said he, I know a great many such other Tricks, let us now therefore march boldly.

CHAP. XXVIII. How Pantagruel got the Victory very strangely over the Dipsodes, and the Giants

AFter all this Talk Pantagruel took the Pri∣soner to him, and sent him away, saying, Go thou unto thy King in his Camp, and tell him Tidings of what thou hast seen, and let

him resolve to feast me to Morrow about Noon; for as soon as my Galleys shall come, which will be to Morrow at farthest, I will prove unto him by eighteen hundred Thou∣sand fighting Men, and seven thousand Gi∣ants, all of them greater than I am; that he hath done foolishly and against Reason, thus to invade my Country: wherein Pantagruel feigned that he had an Army at Sea. But the Prisoner answered, That he would yield him∣self to be his Slave; and that he was content never to return to his own People, but rather with Pantagruel to fight against them; and for God's sake besought him, that he might be permitted so to do. Whereunto Pantagruel would not give Consent, but commanded him to depart thence speedily, and be gone, as he had told him, and to that Effect gave him a Box full of Euphorbium, together with some Grains of the black Chameleon Thistle, steeped in Aqua vitae, and made up into the Condiment of a wet Sucket, commanding him to carry it to his King, and to say unto him, that if he were able to eat one Ounce of that without drinking after it, he might then be able to resist him, without any Fear or Appre∣hension of Danger.

The Prisoner then besought him with joint Hands, that in the Hour of the Battel he would have Compassion upon him. Whereat Pan∣tagruel said unto him, After that thou hast delivered all unto the King, put thy whole

Confidence in God, and he will not forsake thee: Because, although for my Part I be mighty, as thou mayst see, and have an infi∣nite Number of Men in Arms, I do neverthe∣less trust neither in my Force nor in mine In∣dustry, but all my Confidence is in God my Protector, who doth never forsake those that in him do put their Trust and Confidence. This done, the Prisoner requested him that he would be contented with some reasonable Composition for his Ransom. To which Pan∣tagruel answered, that his End was not to rob nor ransom Men, but to enrich them, and re∣duce them to total Liberty: Go thy way (said he) in the Peace of the living God, and ne∣ver follow evil Company, lest some Mischief befal thee. The Prisoner being gone, Panta∣gruel said to his Men, Gentlemen, I have made this Prisoner believe that we have an Army at Sea, as also that we will not assault them till to Morrow at Noon, to the end, that they doubt∣ing of the great Arrival of our Men, may spend this Night in providing and strengthning themselves; but in the mean time my Inten∣tion is, that we charge them about the Hour of the first Sleep.

Let us leave Pantagruel here with his Apo∣stles, and speak of King Anarchus and his Ar∣my. When the Prisoner was come, he went unto the King, and told him how there was a great Giant come, called Pantagruel, who had overthrown, and made to be cruelly roasted

all the six hundred and fifty nine Horsemen, and he alone escaped to bring the News. Be∣sides that, he was charged by the said Giant to tell him, that the next Day about Noon he must make a Dinner ready for him, for at that Hour he was resolved to set upon him. Then did he give him that Box wherein were those Confitures; but as soon as he had swallowed down one spoonful of them, he was taken with such a Heat in the Throat, together with an Ulceration in the Flap of the Top of the Wind-pipe, that his Tongue peel'd with it in such Sort, that for all they could do unto him, he found no Ease at all, but by drinking only without Cessation: for as soon as ever he took the Goblet from his Head, his Tongue was on a Fire; and therefore they did nothing but still pour in Wine into his Throat with a Funnel.

Which when his Captains, Bashaws, and Guard of his Body did see, they tasted of the same Drugs, to try whether on them they would have the same Operation or no: but it so befel them as it had done their King; and they plied the Flagon so well, that the Noise ran throughout all the Camp, how the Priso∣ner was returned; that the next Day they were to have an Assault; that the King and his Captains did already prepare themselves for it, together with his Guards, and that with ca∣rowsing lustily, and quaffing as hard as they could. Every Man therefore in the Army be∣gan to tipple, ply the Pot, swill and guzzle,

till in fine they fell asleep like Pigs, all out of Order throughout the whole Camp.

Let us now return to the good Pantagruel, and relate how he carried himself in this Busi∣ness. Departing from the Place of the Tro∣phies, he took the Mast of their Ship in his Hand like a Pilgrim's Staff, and put within the Top of it two hundred and thirty seven Punchions of White-wine of Anjou, the rest was of Rowen; and tied up to his Girdle the Bark all full of Salt, as easily as the Lansken∣nets carry their little Panniers; and so set on∣ward on his way with his Fellow-souldiers. When he was come near to the Enemies Camp, Panurge said unto him, Sir, if you would do well, let down this White-wine of Anjou from the Scuttle of the Mast of the Ship, that we may all drink thereof, like Bri∣tains.

Hereunto Pantagruel very willingly consent∣ed, and they drank so neat, that there was not so much as one poor Drop left of two hun∣dred and thirty seven Punchions, except one leathern Bottle of Tours, which Panurge filled for himself, (for he called that his Vade me∣cum) and some scurvy Lees of Wine in the bottom, which served him in stead of Vine∣gar. After they had whitled and curried the Can pretty handsomly, Panurge gave Panta∣gruel to eat some devilish Drugs, compound∣ed of Lithotripton, Nephrocatarticon, the Marmalade of Quinces, with Cantharides, and

other Diureticks. This done, Pantagruel said to Carpalin, Go into the City, scrambling like a Cat up against the Wall, as you can well do, and tell them that now presently they come out, and charge their Enemies as rudely as they can; and having said so, come down, taking a lighted Torch with you, wherewith you shall set on fire all the Tents and Pavilions in the Camp; then cry as loud as you are able with your great Voice, and then come away from thence. Yea but, said Carpalin, were it not good to nail all their Ordnance? No, no, (said Pantagruel) only blow up all their Powder. Carpalin obeying him, departed suddenly, and did as he was appointed by Pan∣tagruel; and all the Combatants came forth that were in the City: And when he had set fire in the Tents and Pavilions, he pass'd so lightly through them, and so highly and pro∣foundly did they snort and sleep, that they ne∣ver perceived him. He came to the Place where their Artillery was, and set their Munition on fire; but here was the Danger, the Fire was so sudden, that poor Carpalin had almost been burnt▪ and had it not been for his won∣derful Agility, he had been fried like a roasting Pig; but he departed away so speedily, that a Bolt or Arrow out of a Crossbow could not have had a swifter Motion. When he was clear of their Trenches, he shouted aloud, and cried out so dreadfully, and with such Amaze∣ment to the Hearers, that it seemed all the

Devils of Hell had been let loose. At which Noise the Enemies awaked, but can you tell how? even no less astonished than are Monks at the ringing of the first Peal to Matins, which in Lusonnois is called Rubbalock.

In the mean time Pantagruel began to sow the Salt that he had in his Bark, and because they slept with an open gaping Mouth, he filled all their Throats with it, so that those poor Wretches were by it made to cough like Foxes. Ha, Pantagruel, how thou addest greater Heat to the Firebrand that is in us. Suddenly Pantagruel had will to piss, by Means of the Drugs which Panurge had given him, and piss'd amidst the Camp so well and so copiously, that he drowned them all, and there was a particular Deluge ten Leagues round about; the History saith, if his Father's great Mare had been there, and piss'd likewise, it would undoubtedly have been a more enor∣mous Deluge than that of Deucalion; for she did never piss but she made a River, greater than is either the Rhosne or the Danube; which those that were come out of the City, see∣ing, said, They are all cruelly slain, see how the Blood runs along: but they were deceived, in thinking Pantagruel's Urine had been the Blood of their Enemies; for they could not see but by the Light of the Fire of the Pavilions, and some small Light of the Moon.

The Enemies after that they were awaked, seeing on one side the Fire in the Camp, and

on the other the Inundation of the urinal De∣luge, could not tell what to say, nor what to think: Some said, that it was the End of the World, and the final Judgment, which ought to be by Fire. Others again thought, that the Sea-Gods, Neptune, Protheus, Triton, and the rest of them, did persecute them, for that indeed they found it to be like Sea-water and Salt.

O who were able now condignly ••o relate how Pantagruel did demean himself against the three hundred Giants: O my Muse, my Calliope, my Thalia, inspire me at this time, restore unto me my Spirits, for this is the Lo∣gical Bridg of Asses; here is the Pit••al, here is the Difficulty, to have Ability enough to express the horrible Battel that was fought: Ah, would to God that I had now a Bottle of the best Wine that ever those drank who shall read this so veridical History.

CHAP. XXIX. How Pantagruel discomfited the three hundred Giants armed with Free-stone, and Loupga∣rou their Captain.

THE Giants seeing all their Camp drown∣ed, carried away their King Anarchus upon their Backs, as well as they could out of the Fort, as Aenea•• did to his Father An∣chises,

in the time of the Conflagration of Troy. When Panurge perceived them, he said to Pantagruel, Sir▪ yonder are the Giants co∣ming forth against you, lay on them with your Mast gallantly, like an old Fencer; for now is the time that you must shew your self a brave and an honest Man: And for our part we will not fail you; I my self will kill to you a good many boldly enough; for why, David killed Goliah very easily; and then this great Lecher Eusthenes, who is stronger than four Oxen, will not spare himself: Be of good Courage therefore, and valiant; charge a∣mongst them with Point and Edg, and by all manner of Means. Well, (said Pantagruel) of Courage I have more than for fifty Franks; but let us be wise▪ for Hercules never under∣took against two that is well cack'd, well scum∣mered: (said Panurge) do you compare your self with Hercules? You have by G— more Strength in your Teeth, and more Scent in your Burn, than ever Hercules had in all his Body and Soul: so much is a Man worth as he esteems himself. Whilst they spake those Words, behold Loupgarou was come with all his Giants, who seeing Pantagruel in a manner alone, was carried away with Temerity and Presumption, for Hopes that he had to kill the good Man: whereupon he said to his Com∣panions the Giants, You Wenchers of the Low-countrey, by Mahoon, if any of you un∣dertake to fight against these Men here, I will

put you cruelly to Death: It is my Will that you let me fight single; in the mean time you shall have good Sport to look upon us. Then all the other Giants retired with their King to the Place where the Flagons stood, and Panurge and his Camerades with them, who counter∣feited those that have had the Pox, for he wreathed about his Mouth, shrunk up his Fin∣gers, and with a harsh and hoarse Voice said unto them, I forsake —od (Fellow-souldiers) if I would have it to be believed, that we make any War at all; give us somewhat to eat with you, whilst our Masters fight against one another. To this the King and Giants jointly condescended, and accordingly made them to banquet with them.

In the mean time Panurge told them the Follies of Turpin, the Examples of St. Ni∣cholas, and the Tale of a Tub. Loupgarou then set forward towards Pantagruel, with a Mace all of Steel, and that of the best sort, weighing nine thousand seven hundred Kin∣tals, and two Quarterons, at the End whereof were thirteen pointed Diamonds, the least whereof was as big as the greatest Bell of our Ladies Church at Paris, (there might want perhaps the Thickness of a Nail, or (at most that I may not lie) of the Back of those Knives which they call Cut-lugs, but for a little off or on, more or less, it is no Matter) and it was inchanted in such sort, that it could never break, but contrarily all that it did touch did

break immediately. Thus then as he appoach∣ed with great Fierceness and Pride of Heart, Pantagruel casting up his Eyes to Heaven, re∣commended himself to God with all his Soul, making such a Vow as followeth;

O thou Lord God, who hast always been my Protector and my Saviour, thou seest the Distress wherein I am at this Time: Nothing brings me hither but a natural Zeal, which thou hast permitted unto Mortals; to keep and defend themselves, their Wives and Chil∣dren, Country and Family, in case thy own proper Cause were not in question, which is the Faith; for in such a Business thou wilt have no Coadjutors, only a Catholick Con∣fession and Service of thy Word, and hast forbidden us all Arming and Defence: for thou art the Almighty, who in thine own Cause, and where thine own Business is taken to Heart, canst defend it far beyond all that we can conceive; thou who hast thousand thousands of hundreds of Millions of Legi∣ons of Angels, the least of which is able to kill all mortal Men, and turn about the Hea∣vens and Earth at his Pleasure, as heretofore it very plainly appeared in the Army of Sen∣nacherib. If it may please thee therefore at this time to assist me, as my whole Trust and Confidence is in thee alone, I vow unto thee, that in all Countries whatsoever, where∣in I shall have any Power or Authority, whe∣ther in this of Vtopia, or elsewhere, I will

cause thy holy Gospel to be purely, simply and entirely preached; so that the Abuses of a Rabble of Hypocrites and false Prophets, who by humane Constitutions and depraved Inventions have impoisoned all the World, shall be quite exterminated from about me.

This Vow was no sooner made, but there was heard a Voice from Heaven, saying, Hoc f••c, & vinces; that is to say, Do this, and thou shalt overcome.

Then Pantagruel seeing that Loupgarou with his Mouth wide open was drawing near to him, went against him boldly, and cried out as loud as he was able, Thou diest, Villain, thou diest; purposing by his horrible Cry to make him afraid, according to the Discipline of the Lacedemonians. Withal, he immedi∣ately cast at him out of his Bark which he wore at his Girdle, eighteen Cags, and four Bushels of Salt, wherewith he filled both his Mouth, Throat, Nose and Eyes. At this Loup∣garou was so highly incensed, that most fierce∣ly setting upon him, he thought even then with a Blow of his Mace to have beat out his Brains: but Pantagruel was very nimble, and had always a quick Foot and a quick Eye, and therefore with his left Foot did he step back one Pace, yet not so nimbly, but that the Blow falling upon the Bark, broke it in four thou∣sand fourscore and six Pieces, and threw all the rest of the Salt about the Ground. Pantagruel seeing that, most gallantly displayed the Vi∣gour

of his Arms, and according to the Art of the Axe, gave him with the great End of his Mast a home-thrust a little above the Breast; then bringing along the Blow to the left side with a Slash, struck him between the Neck and Shoulders: After that, advancing his right Foot, he gave him a Push upon the Couillons, with the upper End of his said Mast, wherewith breaking the Scuttle, on the Top thereof he spilt three or four Punchions of Wine that were left therein.

Upon that Loupgarou thought that he had pierced his Bladder, and that the Wine that came forth had been his Urine: Pantagruel being not content with this, would have dou∣bled it by a side-blow; but Loupgarou lifting up his Mace, advanced one Step upon him, and with all his Force would have dash'd it upon Pantagruel, wherein (to speak the Truth) he so sprightfully carried himself, that if God had not succoured the good Pantagru∣el, he had been cloven from the top of his Head to the bottom of his Milt; but the Blow glanced to the right side by the brisk Nimble∣ness of Pantagruel, and his Mace sank into the Ground above threescore and thirteen Foot, through a huge Rock, out of which the Fire did issue greater than nine thousand and six Tuns. Pantagruel seeing him busy about plucking out his Mace, which stuck in the Ground between the Rocks, ran upon him, and would have clean cut off his Head, if by

Mischance his Mast had not touched a little a∣gainst the Stock of Loupgarou's Mace, which was inchanted, as we have said before: by this means his Mast broke off about three-hand∣fuls above his Hands, whereat he stood amazed like a Bell-founder, and cried out, Ah Pa∣nurge, where art thou? Panurge seeing that, said to the King and the Giants, By G— they will hurt one another if they be not parted; but the Giants were as merry as if they had been at a Wedding: Then Carpalin would have risen from thence to help his Master, but one of the Giants said unto him, By Golfarin the Nephew of Mahoon, if thou stir hence I will put thee in the bottom of my Breeches in∣stead of a Suppository, which cannot chuse but do me good; for in my Belly I am very costive, and cannot well cagar without gnash∣ing my Teeth, and making many filthy Faces.

Then Pantagruel, thus destitute of a Staff, took up the End of his Mast, striking athwart and alongst upon the Giant, but he did him no more hurt than you would do with a Filip upon a Smith's Anvil. In the time Loupga∣rou was drawing his Mace out of the Ground, and having already plucked it out, was ready therewith to have struck Pantagruel, who be∣ing very quick in turning, avoided all his Blows in taking only the defensive Part in hand, until on a sudden he saw that Loupgarou did threaten him with these Words, saying, Now, Villain, will no•• I fail to chop thee a••

small as minced Meat, and keep thee henceforth from ••ver making any more poor Men athirst. Then without any more ado Pantagruel struck him such a Blow with his Foot against the Bel∣ly, that he made him fall backwards, his Heels over his Head, and dragged him thus along at flay-buttock above a flight-shot. Then Loupgarou cried out, bleeding at the Throat, Mahoon, Mahoon, Mahoon, at which Noise all the Giants arose to succour him; but Pa∣nurge said unto them, Gentlemen, do not go, if you will believe me, for our Master is mad, and strikes athwart and alongst, he cares not where, he will do you a Mischief; but the Giants made no Account of it, seeing that Pantagruel had never a Staff.

And when Pantagruel saw those Giants ap∣proach very near unto him, he took Loupgarou by the two Feet, and lift up his Body like a Pike in the Air, wherewith (it being harnished with Anvils) he laid such heavy load amongst those Giants, armed with Free-stone, that striking them down as a Mason doth little Knobs of Stones, there was not one of them that stood before him, whom he threw not flat to the Ground; and by the breaking of this stony Ar∣mour there was made such a horrible Rumble, as put me in mind of the Fall of the Butter-tower of St. Stephen's at Bourge, when it mel∣ted before the Sun. Panurge, with Carpalin and Eusthenes, did cut in the mean time the Throats ••f those that were struck down; in such sort,

that there escaped not one. Pantagruel to any Man's sight was like a Mower, who with his Sithe, which was Loupgarou, cut down the Meddow Grass, to wit the Giants. But with this fencing of Pantagruel's, Loupgarou lost his Head, which happened when Pantagruel struck down one whose Name was Riflandouille, who was armed cap-a-pe with Grison-stones, one Chip whereof splintring abroad cut off Episte∣mon's Neck clean and fair. For otherwise the most part of them were but lightly armed with a kind of sandy Brittle-stone, and the rest with Slaits. At last, when he saw that they were all dead, he threw the Body of Loupgarou as hard as he could against the City, where falling like a Frog upon his Belly, in the great Piazza, he with the fall killed a singed He-cat, a wet She-cat, a farting Duck, and a brideled Goose.

CHAP. XXX. How Epistemon, who had his Head cut off, was finely healed by Panurge; and of the News which he brought from the Devils, and dam∣ned People in Hell.

THis Gigantal Victory being ended, Panta∣gruel withdrew himself to the place of the Flagons, and called for Panurge and the rest, who came unto him safe and sound, ex∣cept Eusthenes, (whom one of the Giants had

scratched a little in the Face, whilst he was a∣bout the cutting of his Throat) and Episte∣mon, who appeared not at all. Whereat Pan∣tagruel was so aggrieved that he would have killed himself. But Panurge said unto him, Nay, Sir, stay a while, and we will search for him a∣mongst the Dead, and find out the truth of all. Thus as they went seeking after him, they found him stark dead, with his Head between his Arms all bloody. Then Eusthenes cried out, Ah cruel Death! hast thou taken from me the per∣fectest amongst Men? At which words Panta∣gruel rose up with the greatest Grief that ever any Man did see, and said to Panurge, Ha, my Friend, the Prophecy of your two Glasses, and the Javelin Staff was a great deal too deceitful. But Panurge answered, My dear Bullies all, weep not one drop more; for he being yet all hot, I will make him as sound as ever he was. In saying this, he took the Head, and held it warm fore-gainst his Cod-piece, that the Wind might not enter into it. Eusthenes and Carpa∣lin carried the Body to the place where they had banqueted, not out of any hope that ever he would recover, but that Pantagruel might see it.

Nevertheless, Panurge gave him very good comfort, saying, If I do not heal him, I will be content to lose my Head, (which is a Fool's Wager) leave off therefore crying, and help me. Then cleansed he his Neck very well with pure White-wine; and after that, took his Head, and into it synapised some Powder of Diamer∣dis,

which he always carried about him in one of his Bags. Afterwards, he anointed it with I know not what Ointment, and set it on very just, Vein against Vein, Sinew against Sinew, and Spondyle against Spondyle, that he might not be Wry-necked, (for such People he mor∣tally hated); this done, he gave it round about some fifteen or sixteen Stitches with a Needle, that it might not fall off again; then on all sides, and every where, he put a little Oint∣ment on it, which he called Resuscitative.

Suddenly Epistemon began to breath, then opened his Eyes, yawned, sneezed, and after∣wards let a great Houshold-Fart. Whereupon Panurge said, Now certainly he is healed, and therefore gave him to drink a large full Glass of strong White-wine, with a sugred Toast. In this Fashion was Epistemon finely healed, only that he was, somewhat hoarse for above three Weeks together, and had a dry Cough of which he could not be rid, but by the force of continual drinking. And now he began to speak, and said that he had seen the Devil, had spoken with Lucifer familiarly, and had been very merry in Hell, and in the Elysian Fields; affirming very seriously before them all, that the Devils were boon Companions, and mer∣ry Fellows: but in respect of the Damned, he said he was very sorry that Panurge had so soon called him back into this World again; for (said he) I took wonderful delight to see them. How so, said Pantagruel? because they do not

use them there (said Epistemon) so badly as you think they do. Their Estate and Condi∣tion of living is but only changed after a very strange manner.

For I saw Alexander the Great there men∣ding old Stockins, whereby he got but a very poor Living.

• Xerxes was a Crier of Mustard.
• Romulus, a Salter and Patcher of Patins.
• Numa, a Nail-smith.
• Tarquin, a Porter.
• Piso, a clownish Swaine.
• Sylla, a Ferry-man.
• Cyrus, a Cowheard.
• Themistocles, a Glass-maker.
• Epaminondas, a Maker of Looking-glasses.
• Brutus and Cassius, Surveyors of Land.
• Demosthenes, a Vine-dresser.
• Cicero, a Fire-kindler.
• Fabius, a Threader of Patenotres.
• Artaxerxes, a Rope-maker.
• Aeneas, a Miller.
• Achilles was a scauld-pated Maker of Hay-bundles.
• Agamemnon, a Lick-box.
• Vlysses, a Hay-mower.
• Nestor, a Forester.
• Darius, a Gold-finder.
• Ancus Martius, a Ship-trimmer.
• Camillus, a Foot-post.
• Marcellus, a Sheller of Beans.
• ...

• Drusus, a Taker of Money at the Doors of Play-houses.
• Scipio Africanus, a Crier of Lee in a Woo∣den-slipper.
• Asdrubal, a Lantern-maker.
• Hannibal, a Kettle-maker and Seller of Egg∣shells.
• Priamus, a Seller of old Clouts.
• Lancelot of the Lake, was a Flayer of dead Horses.

All the Knights of the Round-table were poor Day-labourers, employed to row over the Ri∣vers of Cocytus, Phlegeton, Styx, Acheron and Lethe, when Messieurs the Devils had a mind to recreate themselves upon the Water; as in the like Occasion are hired the Boat-men at Lions, the Gonde••eers of Venice, and Oars at London; but with this Difference, that these poor Knights have only for their Fare a Bob or Flirt on the Nose, and in the Evening a Morsel of coarse mouldy Bread.

• Trajan was a Fisher of Frogs.
• Antoninus, a Lacquey.
• Commodus, a Jeat-maker.
• Pertinax, a Peeler of Wall-nuts.
• Lucullus, a Maker of Rattles and Hawks-Bells.
• Iustinian, a Pedlar.
• Hector, a Snap-sauce Scullion.
• Paris was a poor Beggar.
• Camlyses, a Mule-driver.
• Nero, a base blind Fidler.
• ...

• Fierabras was his Serving-man, who did him a thousand mischievous Tricks, and would make him eat of the brown Bread, and drink of the turned Wine, when himself did both eat and drink of the best.
• Iulius Caesar and Pompey, were Boat-wrights and Tighters of Ships.
• Valentine and Orson did serve in the Stoves of Hell, and were Sweat-Rubbers in Hot-houses.
• Giglan and Govian were poor Swineherds.
• Iafrey with the great Tooth, was a Tinder-maker, and Seller of Matches.
• Godfrey de Bullion, a Hood-maker.
• Iason was a Bracelet-maker.
• Don Pietro de Castille, a Carrier of Indul∣gences.
• Morgan, a Beer-brewer.
• Huon of Bourdeaux, a Hooper of Barrels.
• Pyrrhus, a Kitchin-scullion.
• Antiochus, a Chimney-sweeper.
• Octavian, a Scraper of Parchment.
• Nerva, a Mariner.
• Pope Iulius was a Crier of Pudding-pies; but he left off wearing there his great buggerly Beard.
• Iohn of Paris was a Greaser of Boots.
• Arthur of Britain, an Ungreaser of Caps.
• Pierce Forrest, a Carrier of Faggots.
• Pope Boniface the Eighth, a Scummer of Pots.
• Pope Nicholas the third, a Maker of Paper.
• Pope Alexander, a Rat-catcher.
• ...

• Pope Sixtus, an Anointer of those that have the Pox.

What, (said Pantagruel) have they the Pox there too? Surely (said Epistemon) I never saw so many; there are there I think above a hundred Millions. For believe, that those who have not had the Pox in this World, must have it in the other.

Cotsbody (said Panurge) then am I free; for I have been as far as the Hole of Gibralter, reached unto the outmost Bounds of Hercules, and gathered of the ripest.

• Ogier the Dane was a Furbisher of Armour.
• The King Tigranes, a Mender of thatched Houses.
• Galien Restored, a Taker of Moldwarps.
• The four Sons of Aymon, were all Tooth-drawers.
• Pope Calixtus, was the Barber of a Wo∣man's sine quo non.
• Pope Vrban, a Bacon-pecker.
• Melusina was a Kitchin Drudg-Wench.
• Mettabrune, a Laundress.
• Cleopatra, a Crier of Onions.
• Helene, a Broker for Chamber-maids.
• Semiramis, the Beggars Lice-killer.
• Dido did sell Mushroms.
• Pentasilea sold Cresses.
• Lucretia was an Ale-house Keeper.
• Hortensia, a Spinstress.
• Livia, a Grater of Verdigreece.

After this manner those that had been great Lords and Ladies here, got but a poor scurvy wretched Living there below. And on the con∣trary, the Philosophers and others, who in this World had been altogether indigent and wan∣ting, were great Lords there in their turn. I saw Diogenes there strout it out most pom∣pously, and in great magnificence, with a rich purple Gown on him, and a golden Scepter in his Right-hand. And which is more, he would now and then make Alexander the Great mad, so enormously would he abuse him, when he had not well patched his Breeches; for he used to pay his Skin with sound Bastinadoes. I saw E∣pictetus there most gallantly apparelled after the French Fashion, sitting under a pleasant Arbour, with store of handsom Gentlewomen, frolick∣ing, drinking, dancing, and making good Chear, with abundance of Crowns of the Sun. Above the Lattice were written these Verses for his Device:

Sauter, dancer, faire les tours, Et boiue vin blanc, & vermeil; Et ne faire rien tous les iours, Que compter les escuts au soleil.

To dance, to skip, and to play, The best White and Claret to swill, And nothing to do all the Day, But rouling in Money, at will.

When he saw me, he invited me to drink with him very courteously, and I being willing

to be intreated, we ripled and chopined together most Theologically. In the mean time came Cyrus to beg one Farthing of him for the honour of Mercury, therewith to buy a few Onions for his Supper. No, no, said Epictetus, I do not use in my Alms-giving to bestow Farthings; hold thou Varlet, there's a Crown for thee, be an honest Man. Cyrus was exceeding glad to have met with such a Booty. But the other poor Rogues, the Kings that are there below, as Alexander, Darius, and others, stole it away from him by night. I saw Pathelin the Treasurer of Rhadaman∣tus, who in cheapning the Pudding-pyes that Pope Iulius cried, asked him, How much a Dozen? Three Blanks, said the Pope: Nay, (said Pathelin) three Blows with a Cudgel; lay them down here you Rascal, and go fetch more. The poor Pope went away weeping; who when he came to his Master the Pye-maker, told him that they had taken away his Pudding-pyes. Whereupon his Master gave him such a sound Lash with an Eele-skin, that his own would have been worth nothing to make Bag-pipe-bags of. I saw Master Iohn le Maire, there personate the Pope in such fashion, that he made all the poor Kings and Popes of this World kiss his Feet; and taking great State upon him, gave them his Be∣nediction, saying, Get the Pardons, Rogues, get the Pardons, they are good cheap: I absolve you of Bread and Pottage, and dispense with you to be never good for any thing: then calling Cail∣le•• and Triboulet, to them he spoke these words,

My Lords the Cardinals dispatch their Bulls, to wit, to each of them a Blow with a Cudgel up∣on the Reins. Which accordingly was forth∣with performed.

I heard Master Francis Villon ask Xerxes, How much the Mess of Mustard? A Farthing, said Xer∣xes. To which the said Villon answered, The Pox take thee for a Villain: as much of square∣••ar'd Wheat is not worth half that Price, and now thou offerest to inhance the Price of Victu∣als; with this he pist in his Pot as the Mustard-makers of Paris use to do. I saw the Francarcher de Baignolet, who was one of the Inquisition a∣gainst Hereticks. When he saw Pierce-Forrest making water against a Wall, on which was painted the Fire of St. Anthony, declared him Heretick, and would have caused him to be burnt alive, had it not been for Morgant, who for his Proficiat and other small Fees, gave him nine Tuns of Beer.

Well, (said Pantagruel) reserve all these fair Stories for another time, only tell us how the Usurers are there handled. I saw them (said Epistemon) all very busily employed in seeking of rusty Pins, and old Nails in the Ken∣nels of the Streets, as you see poor wretched Rogues do in this World; but the quintal or hundred Weight of this old Iron Ware, is there valued but at the price of a Cantle of Bread; and yet they have but a very bad Dis∣patch and Riddance in the Sale of it: Thus the poor Misers are sometimes three whole Weeks

without eating one Morsel or Crumb of Bread, and yet work both Day and Night looking for the fair to come: nevertheless, of all this Labour, Toil and Misery, they reckon no∣thing; so cursedly active they are in the pro∣secution of that their base Calling, in hopes at the end of the Year, to earn some scurvy Penny by it.

Come, (said Pantagruel) let us now make our selves merry one bout, and drink (my Lads) I beseech you, for it is very good drin∣king all this Month. Then did they uncase their Flagons by Heaps and Dozens, and with their Leaguer-provision made excellent good Chear. But the poor King Anarchus could not all this while settle himself to∣wards any fit of Mirth: whereupon Panurge said, Of what Trade shall we make my Lord the King here, that he may be skilful in the Art, when he goes thither to sojourn, a∣mongst all the Devils of Hell? Indeed (said Pantagruel) that was well advised of thee, do with him what thou wilt: I give him to thee. Grammercy (said Panurge) the Pre∣sent is not to be refused, and I love it from you.

CHAP. XXXI. How Pantagruel entred into the City of the A∣maurots, and how Panurge married King Anarchus to an old Lantern-carrying Hag, and made him a Crier of Green-sauce.

AFter this wonderful Victory, Pantagruel sent Carpalin unto the City of the A∣maurots, to declare and signify unto them how the King Anarchus was taken Prisoner, and all the Enemies of the City overthrown; which News when they heard, all the Inhabi∣tants of the City came forth to meet him in good order, and with a great triumphant Pomp, conducting him with a heavenly Joy into the City, where innumerable Bonfires were kindled every-where, and fair round Ta∣bles furnished with store of good Victuals, set out in the middle of the Streets. This was a Renewing of the Golden-Age: so good was the Cheer which then they made.

But Pantagruel having assembled the whole Senate, and Common-Council-Men of the Town, said (My Masters) we must now strike the Iron whilst it is hot; it is therefore my Will, that before we frolick it any longer, we advise how to assault and take the whole Kingdom of the Dipsodes. To which effect, let those that will go with me provide themselves against to

Morrow after drinking; for then will I begin to march. Not that I need any more Men than I have to help me to conquer it; for I could make it as sure that way as if I had it already, but I see this City is so full of Inhabitants, that they scarce can turn in the Streets: I will there∣fore carry them as a Colony into Dipsody, and will give them all that Country, which is fair, wealthy, fruitful and pleasant, above all other Countries in the World, as many of you can tell who have been there heretofore. Every one of you therefore that will go along, let him pro∣vide himself as I have said. This Counsel and Resolution being published in the City, the next Morning there assembled in the Piazza, before the Palace, to the number of Eighteen hundred fifty six thousand and eleven, besides Women and little Children. Thus began they to march streight into Dipsody, in such good order as did the People of Israel when they departed out of Egypt, to pass over the Red-sea.

But before we proceed any further, I will tell you how Panurge handled his Prisoner the King Anarchus. For having remembred that which Epistemon had related, how the Kings and rich Men in this World were used in the Elysian Fields, and how they got their Living there by base and ignoble Trades; he therefore one day apparelled his King in a pretty little Canvass Doublet, all jagged and pinked like the Tippet of a light Horse-man's Cap, together with a Pair of large Mariner's Breeches, and Stockins

without Shoes: For (said he) they would but spoil his Sight; and a little peach-coloured Bonnet, with a great Capon's Feather in it. I lie, for I think he had two: and a very handsom Girdle, de pers & vert; saying, that such a Li∣very did become him well, for that he had al∣ways been perverse. And in this Plight bring∣ing him before Pantagruel, said unto him, Do you know this Royster? No indeed, said Pan∣tagruel. It is (said Panurge) my Lord, the King of the clowted Hose. I intend to make him an honest Man. These Devils of Kings here are but as so many Calves; they know no∣thing, and are good for nothing but to do a thousand Mischiefs to their poor Subjects, and to trouble all the World with War for their un∣just and detestable Pleasure. I will put him to a Trade, and make him a Crier of Green-sauce. Go to, begin and cry; Do you lack any Green-sauce? and the poor Devil cried. That is too low (said Panurge); then took him by the Ear, saying, Sing higher in Ge, sol, re, ut. So, so, (poor Wretch) thou hast a good Throat: Thou could'st never have been so happy hadst thou continued longer King.

And Pantagruel made himself merry with all this. For I dare boldly say, that he was the best little Gaffer that was to be seen between this and the end of a Staff. Thus was Anarchus made a good Crier of Green-sauce. Two Days thereafter, Panurge married him with an old Lantern-carrying Hag; and he himself made

the Wedding with fine Sheeps-Heads, brave Haslets with Mustard, gallant Salligots with Garlick, of which he sent five Horse-loads unto Pantagruel; which he ate up all, he found them so appetizing. And for their Drink, they had a kind of small well-watered Wine, and some Sorbapple-cider. And to make them dance, he hired a blind Man that made Musick to them with a Windbroach.

After Dinner he led them to the Palace, and shewed them to Pantagruel, and said, pointing to the married Woman, You need not fear that she will crack. Why? said Pantagruel. Be∣cause, said Panurge, she is well slit and broke up already. What do you mean by that? said Pan∣tagruel. Do not you see, said Panurge, that the Chesnuts which are roasted in the Fire, if they be whole, they crack as if they were mad▪ and to keep them from cracking, they make an In∣cision in them, and slit them: So this new Bride is in her lower Parts well slit before, and therefore will not crack behind.

Pantagruel gave them a little Lodg near the Lower-street, and a Mortar of Stone wherein to bray and pound their Sauce. And in this manner did they do their little Business, he being as pret∣ty a Crier of Green-sauce as ever was seen in the Country of Vtopia. But I have been told since, that his Wife doth beat him like Plaister, and the poor Sot dares not defend himself, he is so sim∣ple.

CHAP. XXXII. How Pantagruel with his Tongue covered a whole Army, and what the Author saw in his Mouth.

THus as Pantagruel with all his Army had entered into the Country of the Dip∣sodes, every one was glad of it, and inconti∣nently rendred themselves unto him, bringing him out of their own good Wills the Keys of all the Cities where he went, the Almirods on∣ly excepted; who being resolved to hold out against him, made answer to his Heraulds that they would not yield but upon very honoura∣ble and good Conditions.

What, (said Pantagruel) do they ask any better Terms than the Hand at the Pot, and the Glass in their Fist? Come let us go sack them, and put them all to the Sword. Then did they put themselves in good order, as be∣ing fully determined to give an Assault. But by the way passing through a large Field, they were overtaken with a great Shower of Rain. Whereat they began to shiver and tremble, to croud, press and thrust close to one ano∣ther. When Pantagruel saw that, he made their Captains tell them, that it was nothing, and that he saw well above the Clouds, that it would be nothing but a little Dew▪ but

howsoever, that they should put themselves in order, and he would cover them. Then did they put themselves in a close order, and stood as near to other as they could; and Pantagruel drew out his Tongue only halfway, and co∣vered them all, as a Hen doth her Chickens.

In the mean time I who relate to you these so veritable Stories, hid my self under a Bur∣dock-leaf, which was not much less in Large∣ness than the Arch of the Bridg of Montrible: but when I saw them thus covered, I went to∣wards them to shelter my self likewise, which I could not do; for that (as the Saying is) at the Yards End there is no Cloth left. Then as well as I could, I got upon it, and went along full two Leagues upon his Tongue, and so long marched, that at last I came into his Mouth: But O Gods and Goddesses, what did I see there? Iupiter confound me with his trisulk Lightning if I lie: I walked there as they do in Sophie at Constantinople, and saw there great Rocks like the Mountains in Den∣mark, I believe that those were his Teeth; I saw also fair Medows, large Forests, great and strong Cities, not a jot less than Lyons or Poictiers: The first Man I met with there was a good honest Fellow planting Colworts; whereat being very much amazed, I asked him, My Friend, what dost thou make here? I plant Colworts, said he: But how, and wherewith said I? Ha Sir, said he, every one cannot have his Ballocks as heavy as a Mortar;

neither can we be all rich: thus do I get my poor Living, and carry them to the Market to sell in the City which is here behind. Iesus! (said I) is there here a new World? Sure (said he) it is never a jot new, but it is commonly reported, that without this there is an Earth, whereof the Inhabitants enjoy the Light of a Sun and a Moon; and that it is full of, and replenished with very good Commodies; but yet this is more ancient than that. Yea, but (said I) my Friend, what is the Name of that City whither thou carriest thy Colworts to sell? It is called Alpharage, (said he) and all the Indwellers are Christians, very honest Men, and will make you good chear. To be brief, I resolved to go thither. Now in my way I met with a Fellow that was lying in wait to catch Pigeons, of whom I asked, (My Friend) from whence come these Pigeons? Sir, (said he) they come from the other World. Then I thought that when Pantagruel yawned, the Pigeons went into his Mouth in whole Flocks, thinking that it had been a Pigeon-House.

Then I went into the City, which I found fair, very strong, and seated in a good Air; but at my Entry the Guard demanded of me my Pass or Ticket; whereat I was much asto∣nished, and asked them, (My Masters) is there any Danger of the Plague here? O Lord, (said they) they die hard by here so fast, that the Cart runs about the Streets. Good God! (said I) and where? whereunto they answer∣ed,

That it was in Larinx and Phaerinx, which are two great Cities, such as Rowen and Nantz, rich and of great Trading: and the Cause of the Plague was by a stinking and infectious Ex∣halation which lately vapoured out of the A∣bismes, whereof there have died above two and twenty hundred and threescore thousand and sixteen Persons within this Seven night. Then I considered, calculated and found, that it was a rank and unsavoury Breathing, which came out of Pantagruel's Stomach when he did eat so much Garlick, as we have aforesaid.

Parting from thence I pass'd amongst the Rocks, which were his Teeth, and never left walking till I got upon one of them, and there I found the pleasantest Places in the World, great large Tennis-courts, fair Gal∣leries, sweet Meddows, store of Vines, and an infinite Number of Banqueting Summer Out-houses in the Fields, after the Italian Fa∣shion, full of Pleasure and Delight, where I stayed full four Months, and never made bet∣ter cheer in my Life as then. After that I went down by the hinder Teeth to come to the Chaps; but in the way I was robbed by Thieves in a great Forest that is in the Terri∣tory towards the Ears. Then (after a little further travelling) I fell upon a pretty petty Village, (truly I have forgot the Name of it) where I was yet merrier than ever, and got some certain Money to live by, can you tell how? by Sleeping: for there they hire Men

by the Day to sleep, and they get by it six Pence a Day; but they that can snort hard get at least Nine-pence. How I had been robbed in the Valley I informed the Senators, who told me that in very truth the People of that side were bad Livers, and naturally thievish; whereby I perceived well, that as we have with us the Countreys Cisalpine and Transalpine, so have they there the Countreys Cidentine and Tradentine, that is, behither and beyond the Teeth: but it is far better living on this side, and the Air is purer. There I began to think, that it is very true which is commonly said, that the one half of the World knoweth not how the other half liveth. Seeing none before my self had ever written of that Coun∣try, wherein are above five and twenty King∣doms inhabited, besides Deserts, and a great Arm of the Sea. I have composed a great Book, intituled, The History of the Gorgians, because they dwell in the Gorge of my Master Pantagruel.

At last I was willing to return, and passing by his Beard, I cast my self upon his Shoul∣ders, and from thence slid down to the Ground, and fell before him. As soon as I was perceived by him, he asked me, Whence comest thou, Alcosribas? I answered him, Out of your Mouth, my Lord? And how long hast thou been there, said he? Since the time (said I) that you went against the Almi∣rods; that is, about six Months ago, said he.

And wherewith didst thou live? what didst thou drink? I answered, My Lord, of the same that you did, and of the daintiest Morsels that pass'd through your Throat I took Toll. Yea, but said he, where didst thou shite? In your Throat (my Lord) said I. Ha, ha, thou art a merry Fellow, said he. We have with the Help of God conquered all the Land of the Dipsodes, I will give thee the Chastellein of Salmigo••din. Grammercy, my Lord, said I, you gratify me beyond all that I have deserved of you.

CHAP. XXXIII. How Pantagruel became sick, and the manner how he was recovered.

A While after this the good Pantagruel fell sick, and had such an Illness in his Sto∣mach, that he could neither eat nor drink: and because Mischief seldom comes alone, he had got also the hot Piss, which tormented him more than you would believe. His Physicians nevertheless helped him very well, and with store of Lenitives and diuretick Drugs made him piss away his Pain: His Urine was so hot, that since that time it is not yet cold; and you have of it in divers Places of France, accord∣ing to the Course that it took, and they are called the hot Baths, as at Coderets; at Li∣mous;

at Dast; at Ballervie; at Nerie; at Bourbonansie; and elsewhere. In Italy, at Mongros; at Appone; at Sancto Petro de Pa∣dua; at St. Helen; at Casa Nuova: At St. Bartolomee in the County of Boulogne: at the Lorrette; and a thousand other Places.

And I wonder much at a Rabble of foolish Philosophers and Physicians, who spend their time in disputing, whence the Heat of the said Waters cometh, whether it be by reason of Borax, or Sulphur, or Allum, or Saltpeter, that is within the Mine; for they do nothing but dote, and better were it for them to rub their Arse against a Thistle, than to waste away their time thus in disputing of that whereof they know not the Original: for the Resoluti∣on is easy, neither need we to enquire any fur∣ther, than that the said Baths came by a 〈◊〉〈◊〉 Piss of the good Pantagruel.

Now to tell you after what manner he was cured of his principal Disease, I let pass how for a Minorative, he took four hundred pound Weight of Colophoniack Scammonee; six score and eighteen Cart-loads of Caffia; eleven thousand and nine hundred pound Weight of Rubarb, besides other confused Jumblings of sundry Drugs. You must un∣derstand, that by the Advice of the Physicians, it was ordered that what did offend his Sto∣mach should be taken away; and therefore they made seventeen great Balls of Copper,

each whereof was bigger than that which is to be seen on the top of St. Peter's Needle at Rome, and in such sort, that they did open in the midst, and shut with a Spring. Into one of them entered one of his Men, carrying a Lan∣thorn and a Torch lighted, and so Pantagruel swallowed him down like a little Pill: Into seven others went seven Country-fellows, ha∣ving every one of them a Shovel on his Neck: Into nine others entred nine Wood-carriers, ha∣ving each of them a Basket hung at his Neck, and so were they swallowed down like Pills: When they were in his Stomach, every one un∣did his Spring, and came out of their Cabins: the first whereof was he that carried the Lan∣thorn, and so they fell more than half a League into a••most horrible Gulph, more stinking and infectious than ever was Mephitis, or the Ma∣rishes of Camerina, or the abominably unsavo∣ry Lake of Sorbona, whereof Strabo maketh mention. And had it not been, that they had very well antidoted their Stomach, Heart and Wine-pot, which is called the Noddle, they had been altogether suffocated and choaked with these detestable Vapours: O what a Perfume! O what an Evaporation wherewith to bewray the Masks or Muflers of young mangy Queans! After that with groping and smelling they came near to the fecal Matter and the corrupted Hu∣mours. Finally, they found a Montjoy, or Heap of Ordure and Filth; then fell the Pio∣neers

to work to dig it up, and the rest with their Shovels filled the Baskets; and when all was cleansed, every one retired himself into his Ball.

This done, Pantagruel enforcing himself to a Vomit, very easily brought them out, and they made no more shew in his Mouth than a Fart in yours: But when they came merrily out of their Pills, I thought upon the Grecians coming out of the Trojan Horse. By this Means was ••he healed, and brought unto his former State and Convalescence. And of these brazen Pills you have one at Orleans, upon the Stee∣ple of the Holy Cross Church.

CHAP. XXXIV. The Conclusion of this present Book, and the Excuse of the Author.

NOw (my Masters) you have heard a Be∣ginning of the horrifick History of my Lord and Master Pantagruel. Here will I make an end of the first Book. My Head aches a little, and I perceive that the Registers of my Brain are somewhat jumbled and disordered with this Septembral Iuice. You shall have the rest of the History at Frankfort Mart next coming, and there shall you see how Panurge

was married and made a Cuckold within a Month after his Wedding: how Pantagruel found out the Philosopher's Stone, the Manner how he found it, and the Way how to use it: How he past over the Caspian Mountains, and how he sailed through the Atlantick Sea, de∣feated the Cannibals, and conquered the Isles of Perles; how he married the Daughter of the King of India, called Presian; how he fought against the Devil, and burnt up five Chambers of Hell, ransacked the great black Chamber, threw Proserpina into the Fire, broke five Teeth of Lucifer, and the Horn that was in his Arse. How he visited the Regi∣ons of the Moon, to know whether indeed the Moon were not entire and whole; or if the Women had three Quarters of it in their Heads, and a thousand other little Merriments all veri∣table. These are brave things truly: Good Night, Gentlemen, Perdonate mi, and think not so much upon my Faults, that you forget your own. If you say to me, (Master) it would seem that you were not very wise in wri∣ting to us these flimflam Stories, and pleasant Fooleries;

I answer you, that you are not much wiser to spend your time in reading them. Never∣theless, if you read them to make your selves merry, as in manner of Pastime I wrote them, you and I both are far more worthy of Pardon

than a great Rabble of squint-minded Fellows, counterfeit Saints, demure Lookers, Hypocrites, Zealots, tough Fryars, Buskin-Monks, and other such Sects of Men, who disguise them∣selves like Maskers to deceive the World: for whilst they give the common People to under∣stand, that they are busied about nothing but Contemplation and Devotion in Fastings and Maceration of their Sensuality, and that only to sustain and aliment the small Frailty of their Humanity; it is so far otherwise, that on the contrary (God knows) what cheer they make, Et Curios simulant, sed bacchanalia vivunt. You may read it in great Letters, in the colour∣ing of their red Snowts, and gulching Bellies as big as a Tun, unless it be when they perfume themselves with Sulphur. As for their Study it is wholly taken up in reading of Pantagrue∣lin Books, not so much to pass the Time mer∣riiy, as to hurt some one or other mischie∣vously, to wit, in articling, sole-articling, wry-neckifying, buttock-stirring, ballocking, and diabliculating, that is calumniating: wherein they are like unto the poor Rogues of a Vil∣lage, that are busy in stirring up and scraping in the Ordure and Filth of little Children in the Season of Cherries and Guinds, and that only to find the Kernels, that they may sell them to the Druggists, to make thereof Po∣mander-Oil. Fly from these Men, abhor and hate them as much as I do, and upon my Faith

you will find your selves the better for it. And if you desire to be good Pantagruelists, (that is to say, to live in Peace, Joy, Health, making your selves always merry) never trust those Men that always peep out at one Hole.

The End of the Second Book of RABELAIS.

FINIS.