The works of F. Rabelais, M.D., or, The lives, heroic deeds and sayings of Gargantua and Pantagruel with a large account of the life and works of the author, particularly an explanation of the most difficult passages in them never before publish'd in any language / done out of French by Sir Tho. Urchard, Kt., and others.

CHAP. I. Of the Genealogy and Antiquity of GARGANTUA.

I Must refer you to the great Chronicle of Pantagruel for the knowledge of that Genealogy and Antiquity of Race by which Gargantua is descended unto us: In it you may understand more at large how the Giants were born in this World, and how from them by a direct Line issued Gargantua the Father of Pantagruel. And do not take it ill, if for this time I pass by it, although the Subject be such, that the oftner it were remem∣b'red, the more it would please your Wor∣ships: According to the Authority of Plato in Philebo and Gorgias; and of Flaccus, who says, That there is some kind of Matters (such as these are without doubt) which the frequent∣lier they be repeated, still prove the more de∣lectable.

Would to God every one had as certain knowledge of his Genealogy si••ce the time of the Ark of Noah until this Age. I think many are at this Day Emperors, Kings, Dukes, Princes and Popes on the Earth, whose Extraction is from some Porters and Pardon-pedlars; as on the contrary many are now poor wandring Beggars, wretched and mise∣rable;

who are descended of the Blood and Lineage of great Kings and Emperors, occa∣sioned (as I conceive it) by the Revolution of Kingdoms and Empires;

• From the Assyrians to the Medes;
• From the Medes to the Persians;
• From the Persians to the Macedonians;
• From the Macedonians to the Romans;
• From the Romans to the Greeks;
• From the Greeks to the Franks.

And to give you some hints concerning my self, who speak unto you; I cannot think but I am come of the Race of some rich King or Prince in former Times; for never yet saw you any Man that had a greater desire to be a King, and to be rich, than I have; and to the end only, that I may make good Chear, do nothing, nor care for any thing, and plentifully enrich my Friends, and all honest and learned Men: But herein do I comfort my self, that in the other World I shall be all this; yea, and greater too than at this present I dare wish: As for you, with the same or a better con∣ceit enjoy your selves in your distresses; and drink fresh if you can come by it.

But returning to our Subject, I say, that by the especial care of Heaven, the Antiquity and Genealogy of a Gargantua hath been re∣served for our use, more full and perfect than any other except that of the Messias, whereof I mean not to speak; for it belongs not unto my Province; and the Devils (that is to say)

the false Accusers and Church-vermin will be upon my Jacket. This Genealogy was found by Iohn Andrew in a Meadow, which he had near the Pole-arch, under the Olive-tree, as you go to Marsay. Where, as they were casting up some Ditches, the diggers with their Mattocks struck against a great brazen Tomb, unmeasurably along, for they could never find the end thereof, by reason that it entred too far within the Sluces of Vienne. Opening this Tomb, in a certain place there∣of, sealed on the top with the mark of a Gob∣let, about which was written in Hetrurian Letters HIC BIBITVR, they found nine Flaggons set in such order as they use to rank their Kyles in Gascony; of which that which was placed in the middle, had under it a big, greasie, great, grey, jolly, small, moudy little Pamphlet, smelling stronger, but no better then Roses.

In that Book the said Genealogy was found written all at length, in a Chancery hand, not in Paper, not in Parchment nor in wax, but in the Bark of an Elm-tree; yet so worn with the long tract of time, that hardly could three Letters together be there perfectly dis∣cerned.

I (though unworthy) was sent for thither, and with much help of those Spectacles, whereby the art of reading dim Writings, and Letters that do not clearly appear to the sight, is practised, as Aristotle teacheth it;

did translate the Book as you may see in your Pantagruelising, that is to say, in drinking stifly to your own hearts desire; and reading the dreadful and horrific Acts of Pantagruel. At the end of the Book there was a little Treatise entituled the Antidoted Conundrums. The Rats and Moths, or (that I may not lye) other wicked Vermin, had nimbed off the beginning, the rest I have hereto sub∣joyned, for the Reverence I bear to Anti∣quity.

CHAP. II. THE Antidoted Conundrums, Found in an ancient Monument.

. . . . . . . The Cymbrians overcomer Pass thr . . . the Air, to shun the dew of Summer; . . . At his coming . . . great Tubs were fill'd, . . . . Fresh Butter down in showers distill'd. . . . . . His Grandam overwhelm'd; so hey Aloud he cry'd, . . . . . . . . . . . . His Whiskers all beray'd, to make him madder; So bang'd the Pitcher, till they rear'd the Ladder.

To lick his slipper, some told was much better, Than to gain Pardons and the merit greater. In the mean time a crafty Chuff approaches, From the depth issued, where they fish for Roches; Who said, Good Sirs, some of them let us save, The Eel is here, and in this hollow Cave You'll find, if that our looks on it demur, A great waste in the bottom of his Fur.

To read this Chapter when he did begin, Nothing but a Calves Horns where found therein. I feel (quoth he) the Mitre which doth hold My head so chill, it makes my brains take cold. Being with the Perfume of a Turnup warm'd, To stay by chimney Hearths himself he arm'd,

Provided that a new Thill Horse they made Of every Person of a hair-brain'd Head.

St. Patrick's Hole employ'd their wise Discourse; And Elden Hole, with twenty thousand worse. If any skill might bring them to a Skar, So as no Cough reciprocate the Air. Since every Man unseemly did it find, To see them gaping thus at ev'ry wind. For if perhaps they handsomly were clos'd For pledges they to Men might be expos'd.

In this arrest by Hercules the Raven Was slain at his return from Lybia Haven. Why am not I, said Minos, there invited, Vnless it be my self not once omitted. And then it is their Mind I do no more Of Frogs and Oysters send them any store. In case they spare my Life and prove but civil, I give their sale of Distaffs to the Devil.

To quell him comes Q. R. who limping frets At the safe pass of trixy Crackarets, The Boulter, the grand Cyclops Cousin, those Did Massacre, whilst each one wip'd his Nose. Few Ingles in this fallow Ground are bred, But on a Tanners Mill are winnowed. Run thither all of you, th' alarms sound clear, You shall have more than you had the last Year.

Short while thereafter was the Bird of Jove Resolv'd to speak, though dism•••• it should prove. Yet was afraid when he saw them 〈◊〉〈◊〉, They should o'rthrow quite, 〈…〉〈…〉, th' Empire.

He rather chus'd the fire from Heaven to steal, To Boats where were Red Herrings put to sale; Then to be calm 'gainst those who strive to brave us, And to the Massorets fond words enslave us.

All this at last concluded gallantly, In spight of Ate and her Hern-like Thigh, Who sitting saw Penthesilea tane, In her old Age for a Cresse-selling Quean. Each one cried out thou filthy Collier toad Doth it become thee to be found abroad? Thou hast the Roman Standard filtch'd away, Which they in Rags of Parchment did display.

Juno was born, who under the Rainbow Was a Bird-catching with her Duck below. When her with such a grievous trick they plyed, That she had almost been transmogrify'd. The bargain was that of that throat full she Should of Proserpina have too Eggs free: And if that she thereafter should be found, She to a Haw-thorn hill should be fast bound.

Seven Months thereafter lacking twenty two, He that of old did Carthage Town undo: Did bravely mid'st them all himself advance, Requiring of them his Inheritance. Although they justly made up the division, According to the Shooe-welt-laws decision; By distributing store of Brews and Beef To those poor Fellows that did Pen the Brief.

The Year will come, mark'd by a Turkish Bow, Five Spindles yarnd▪ and three Pot-bottoms too,

Wherein of a discourteous King the Dock Shall pepper'd be under an Hermits Frock. Ah that for one she Hypocrite you must Permit so many Acres to be lost. Cease, cease, this Visard may become another, Withdraw your selves unto the Serpents Brother.

The Day is past; so he that is shall Reign, And his good Friends, all kindly entertain. No rash or heady Prince shall domineer; Peace and good Will must Triumph every where. And all the Solas, promised long ago To Heavens choice Guests, in mighty streams will flow. And every Garron founder'd ne'er so long, Shall with the Royal Palfreys praunce along.

And this continue shall from time to time, Till Mars be fettred for an unknown Crime. Then shall one come who others will surpass, Delightful, pleasing, matchless, full of Grace. Chear up your Hearts, approach to this Repast, All trusty Frinds of mine; for he's deceast, Who would not for a World return again, So highly shall time past be cry'd up then.

He who was made of Wax shall lodge each Member Close by the hinges of a block of Timber. We then no more shall Master, Master, whoot, The Swagger who th' alarum Bell holds out. Could one seize on the Dagger which he bears, Heads would be free from tingling in the Ears; To baffle the whole Storehouse of Abuses; And thus farewel Apollo and the Muses.

CHAP. III. How Gargantua was carried eleven Months in his Mothers Belly.

GRangousier was a Good Fellow in his time, and notable Jester; he loved to drink neat, as much as any man that then was in the world, and would willingly eat Salt∣meat: to this intent he was ordinarily well furnished with Gammons of Bacon, both of Westphalia, Mayence and Bayone; with store of dried Neats Tongues, plenty of Links, Chitterlings and Puddings in their Season; together with Salt Beef and Mustard, a good deal of Botargos, great provision of Sauciges, not of Bolonia (for he feared the Lombard Boc∣cone) but of Bigorre, Longaulnay, Brene, and Rouargue. In the vigor of his age he marri∣ed Gargamelle, Daughter to the King of the Parpaillons, a Jolly Pug, and well mouthed Wench. These two did often times do the two backed Beast together, joyfully rubbing and frotting their Bacon 'gainst one another, insofar, that at last she became great with Child of a fair Son, and went with him unto the eleventh month, for so long, yea longer may a Woman carry her great Belly; espe∣cially when it is some Master-piece of nature, and a person predestinated to the performance, in his due time, of great Exploits, as Homer

says, that the Child which Neptune begot up∣on the Nymph, was born a whole year after the conception; that is, in the twelfth month; for as Aulus Gellius saith, Lib. 3. this long time was suitable to the majesty of Neptune; that in it the child might receive his form in per∣fection. For the like reason Iupiter made the Night, wherein he lay with Alcmena, last forty eight hours; a shorter time not being sufficient for the forging of Hercules, who was to rid the world of the Monsters, and the Ty∣rants. My Masters, the ancient Pantagruelists have confirmed that which I say, and withal declared it to be not only possible, but also maintained the Legitimacy of the Infant, born of a woman in the eleventh month after the decease of her Hus∣band.* 1.1 And some other Laws which at this time I dare not name; by means whereof the widows may, without danger, play at the close buttock game, with might and main, and as hard as they can for the space of the first two months after

the decease of their husbands. I pray you, my good lusty springal lads, if you find any of these females, that are worth the pains of untying the Cod-piece-point, get up, and bring them to me; for if they happen with∣in the third month to conceive, the child shall be heir to the deceased, and the mother shall pass for an honest woman.

When she is known to have conceived, thrust forward boldly, spare her not whatever betide you, seeing the paunch is full. As Iulia the Daughter of the Emperour Octavian ne∣ver prostituted her self to her Belly-bumpers, but when she found her self with child; after the manner of Ships that receive not their Steers-man, till they have their Ballast and Lading. And if any blame the women for that after Pregnancy, they still continue bux∣ome, and push for more; whereas any beast, a Cow or Mare will kick and flounce, and admit no farther courtship from the Bull or Stallion: The Answer will be, Why, They are Beasts, and know no better. As Populia here∣tofore answered, according to the relation of Macrobius Lib. 2. Saturnal. If the Devil will not have them to bagge, he must wring hard the Spigot, and stop the Bung hole.

CHAP. IV. How Gargamelle, being big with Gar∣gantua, did eat a huge deal of Tripes.

THE occasion and manner how Garga∣melle was brought to bed, and deliver∣ed of her child, was thus: and if you do not believe it, I wish your bum-gut fall out. Her bum-gut indeed, or fundament escaped her in an afternoon, on the third day of February, with having eaten at dinner to many Godebilli∣os, Godebillios are the fat tripes of coiros; coiros are Beeves fatned in the Ox-stalls, and Guimo meadows; Guimo meadows are those that may be moved twice a year; of those fat Beeves they had killed three hundred sixty seven thousand and fourteen, to be salted at Shrove∣tide; that in the entring of the Spring they might have plenty of powdred Beef, where∣with to season their mouths at the beginning of their meals, and to taste their Wine the better.

They had abundance of Tripes as you have heard, and they were so delicious, that every one licked his fingers. But as the De∣vil wou'd have it, there was no possibility to keep them long sweet, and to let them stink was not so commendable or handsom, it was

herefore concluded, that they should be all of them gulched up, without any waste. To this effect they invited all the Burghers of Sainais, of Suille, of the Roche Clermand, of Vaugaudry, without omitting the Boudray, Mon∣pensier, the Guedevede, and other their neigh∣bours; all stiff drinkers, brave fellows, and good players at the kyles. The Goodman Grangousier took great pleasure in their com∣pany, and commanded there should be no want nor pinching for any thing: neverthe∣less he bade his wife eat sparingly, because she was near her time, and that these Tripes were no very commendable meat; they would fain (said he) be at the chewing of ordure, who eat the bag that contain'd it. Notwith∣standing these admonitions, she did eat sixteen quarters, two bushels, three pecks and a pip∣kin full. What a filthy deal of Lob lolly was here, to swell and wamble in her Guts?

After Dinner they all went tag-rag toge∣ther to the willow-grove, where, on the green grass, to the sound of the merry Flutes, and pleasant Bag-pipes, they danced so gal∣lantly, that it was a sweet and heavenly sport to see them so frolic.

CHAP. V. How they chirped over their Cups.

THEN did they fall upon the chat of Belly-timber and drinking; and forth∣with began Flaggons to go, Gammons to trot, goblets to fly, great bowles to ting, Glasses to ring, draw, reach, fill, mix, give it me without water, so my friend, so, whip me off this Glass neatly, bring me hither some Claret, a full weeping Glass till it run over, a cessation and truce with thirst. Ha thou false Fever, wilt thou not be gone? By my Figgins, Godmother, I cannot as yet en∣ter in the humour of being merry, nor drink so currently as I would; you have catcht a cold, Gammer; yea forsooth, Sir; by the belly of Sanct Buff let us talk of our drink, I never drink but at my hours, like the Popes Mule; and I never drink but in my Breviary, like good father Gardien. Which was first, thirst or drinking? Thirst, for who in the time of innocence would have drunk without be∣ing a thirst? nay, Sir, it was drinking; for privatio praesupponit habitum. I am learned you see, Faecundi calices quem non fecere disertum? We poor innocents drink but too much with∣out thirst. Not I truly, who am a sinner, for I never drink without thirst, either present, or

future, to prevent it (as you know) I drink for the thirst to come; I drink eternally, this is to me an eternity of drinking, and drink∣ing of an eternity. Let us sing, let us drink, now for a Catch, dust it away, where is my Nogging? what, it seems I do not drink by Proxy. Do you wet your selves to dry, or do you dry to wet you? Pish, I under∣stand not the Rhetoric (Theoric I should say) but I help my self somewhat by the Pra∣ctice. Enough; I sup, I wet, I humect, I moisten my Gullet, I drink, and all for fear of dying; drink always and you shall never die. If I drink not, I am a-ground, and lost. I am sta••k dead without drink, and my Soul ready to fly into some Marish amongst Frogs; the Soul never dwells in a dry place, drougth kills it.

O you Butlers, Creators of new Forms, make me of no drinker a drinker, a perennity and everlastingness of sprinkling, and bedew∣ing me through these my parched and sin∣newy Bowels. He drinks in vain that feels not the pleasure of it: This entereth into my Veins; the pissing Tools shall have none on't. I would willingly wash the tripes of the Calf which I reer'd this morning. I have pretty well now balasted my stomach, if the Papers of my Bonds and Bills could drink as well as I do, my Creditors would have their Hands full. Hold up your dagger-hand; that hand of yours spoils your Nose. O how

many other such will go in here before this go out; what, drink so shallow? It is e∣nough to streak both girds and pettrel. This is called a cup of dissimulation.

What difference is there between a Bottle and a Flaggon? great difference: The Bottle is stopped with a stopple, and Flaccon a vis. Our Fathers drank lustily, and emptied their Cans; this is Bien chié chanté, Well cack'd, well sung. Come, let us drink: Will you send nothing to the River? here is one going to wash the Tripes. I drink no more than a spunge. I drink like a Templer Knight. And I tanquam sponsus. And I sicut terra sine aqua. Give me a Synonymon for a Gammon of Bacon; it is the Compulsory of drinkers; it is a Pully; by a Pully-rope Wine is let down into a Cellar, and by a Gammon into the Stomach. Ha now Boys hither; some drink some drink; there is no trouble in it. Respice personam; pone pro duos, bus non est in usu. If I could get up as well as I can swal∣low down, I had been long e'er now very high in the Air.

Thus became Tom toss-pot rich: Thus went in the Taylor's stitch: Thus did Bac∣chus conquer the India: Thus Philosophy, Melinde. A little Rain allays a great deal of Wind; long tipling breaks the Thunder. But if there came such liquor from my But∣tock, would you not suck the Udder? Here, Page, fill, I prethee forget me not when it

comes to my turn; and I will enter the E∣lection I have made of thee into the very Register of my heart. Sup Simon; pull a∣way, there is somewhat in the Pot. I ap∣peal from thirst, and disclaim its Jurisdiction. Page, sue out my Appeal in form. This rem∣nant is the bottom of the Glass must follow its Leader. I was wont heretofore to drink out all, but now I leave nothing. Make not such haste; we must carry all along with us. Ha day, here are tripes fit for our sport; Godebillios of the dun Oxe with the blach streak. O for God's sake let us lash them soundly, yet thriftily. Drink, or I will, No, no, drink I beseech you; Spar∣rows will not eat unless you bob them on the tail; nor can I drink if I be not fairly spoke to. Lagonaedatera, there is not a Cun∣niborow in all my Body, where this Wine doth not ferret out my thirst. Ho, this will bang it soundly; but this shall banish it ut∣terly. Let us make Proclamation by the sound of Flaggons and Bottles, that whoever hath lost his thirst come not hither to seek it. Long spits are to be voided without doors. The great God made the Planets, and we make the Platters neat. I have the word of the Gospel in my mouth, Sitio. The stone called Asbestos, is not more unquenchable, then the thirst of my Paternity. Appetite comes with eating, says Angeston; but the thirst goes away with drinking. I have a re∣medy

against thirst, quite contrary to that which is good against the biting of a mad Dog: Keep running after a Dog, and he will never bite you, drink always before the thirst, and it will never come upon you. There I catch you, I awake you. Argus had a hundred Eyes for his sight; a Butler should have (like Briareus) a hundred hands where∣with to fill us Wine indefatigably. Ha now Lads, let us wet, it will be time to dry here∣after. White Wine here, Wine Boys, pour out all, par le Diable, fill, I say, fill and fill till it be full. My tongue peels. Lanstrinque, to thee Countryman, I drink to thee good Fellow, Camrade to thee, lusty, lively, ha, la, la, that was drunk to some purpose, and bravely gulped over. O lachryma Christi, it is of the best Grape; I faith, pure Greek, Greek, O the fine white Wine, upon my Conscience it is a kind of Taff••tas Wine, him, him, it is of one ear, well wrought, and of good Wooll. Courage Camrade, up thy Heart, Billy, we will not be Beasted at this bout, for I have got one trick, ex hoc in hoc, there is no Enchantment nor Charm there, every one of you hath seen it, my Prentiship is out, I am a free Man at this Trade. I am an Abbot (Pshaw I should say) O the drink∣ers, those that are a dry; O poor thirsty Souls! Good Page, my Friend, fill me here some, and crown the Cup, I prethee, á la Cardinale; Natura abhorret vacuum. Would

you say that a fly could drink in this? A la mode de Bretagne. Clear off, neat, super∣naculum, swill it over heartily, no deceit in a Brimmer; Nectar and Ambrosia.

CHAP. VI. How Gargantua was born in a strange manner.

WHilst they were on this Discourse, and pleasant Tattle of drinking, Gar∣gamelle began to be a little unweil in her lower Parts; whereupon Grangousier arose from off the Grass, and fell to comfort her very honestly and kindly; suspecting that she was in Travel, and told her that it was best for her to sit down upon the Grass under the Wil∣lows; because she was like very shortly to see young feet; and that therefore it was conve∣nient she should pluck up her Spirits, and take a good Heart at the new coming of her Baby; saying to her withal, that although the pain was somewhat grievous to her, it would be but of short continuance; and that the succeeding joy would quickly remove that sorrow, in such sort that she should not so much as remember it. On with a Sheep; courage (quoth he) dispatch this Boy, and we will speedily fall to work for the making

of another. Ha (said she) so well as you speak at your own ease, you that are Men; well then, in the name of God, I'll do my best, seeing you will have it so; but would to God that it were cut off from you: What? (said Grangousier) Ha (said she) you are a good Man indeed, you understand it well e∣nough. What my member? (said he) Ud∣rookers, if it please you, that shall be done instantly; cause bring hither a Knife. Alas, (said she) the Lord forbid, I pray Jesus to forgive me, I did not say it from my Heart, do it not any kind of harm, neither more nor less for my speaking: But I am like to have work enough to day, and all for your Mem∣ber, yet God bless both you and it.

Courage, courage (said he) take you no care of the matter, let the four foremost Oxon do the work I will yet go drink one whiffe more, and if in the mean time any thing befal you, I will be so near, that at the first whistling in your fist, I shall be with you. A little while after she began to groan, la∣ment and cry, then suddenly came the Mid∣wives from all quarters, who groping her below, found some Peloderies of a bad savour indeed; this they thought had been the Child; but it was her Fundament that was slipt out with the molification of her Intesti∣num rectum, which you call the Bumgut; and that meerly by eating of too many tripes, as we have shewed you before: Whereupon an

old ugly trot in the Company, who was re∣puted a notable Physician, and was come from Brispaille near to Saint Gnou threescore Years before, made her so horrible a restri∣ctive, and binding Medicine, whereby all her Arse-pipes were so opilated, stopped, obstru∣cted and contracted, that you could hardly have opened and enlarged them with your Teeth: Which is a terrible thing to think upon; seeing the Devil at Mass at Saint Martins was puzled with the like Task •• when with his Teeth he lengthened out the Parchment whereon he wrote the tittle tattle of two young mangy Whores.

The effect of this was, that the Cotyldons of her Matrix were all loosened above, through which the Child sprung up and leapt, and so entering into the Vena cava, did climb by the Diaphragm even above her Shoulders (where that Vein divides it self into two) and from thence taking his way towards the left side, issued forth at her left Ear. As soon as he was born, he cried not as other Babes use to do, miez, miez, miez, miez, but with a high, sturdy and big voice shouted aloud, Some drink, some drink, some drink, as inviting all the World to drink with him; the noise hereof was so extreamly great, that it was heard in both the Countries at once, of Beauce and Bibarois. I doubt me that you do not throughly believe the truth of this strange Nativity, though you believe it not I care

not much: But an honest Man, and of good judg∣ment believeth still what is told him, and that which he finds written.

Is this beyond our Law, or our Faith? against Reason or the Holy Scripture? For my part, I fi••d nothing in the Sacred Bible that is against it; but tell me if it had been the Will of God, would you say that he could not do it? Grammercy; I beseech you never Dum-found or Embarrass your Heads with these idle Conceits: For I tell you, it is not impossible with God; and, if he pleased, all Women henceforth should bring forth their Children at the Ear: Was not Bacchus engen∣dred out of the very Thigh of Iupiter? Did not R••quetaillade come out at his Mothers heel? and Crocmoush from the slipper of his Nurse? Was not Minerva born of the Brain, even through the Ear of Iove? Adonis of the Ba••k of a Myrrh-tree? and Castor and Pollux of the doupe of that Egge which was laid and hatched by Leda? But you would wonder more, and with far greater amazement, if I should now present you with that Chapter of Plinius, wherein he treateth of strange Births, and contrary to nature; and yet am not I so impudent a Lyar as he was. Read the seventh Book of his Natural History, chap. 4. and trouble not my head any more about this.

CHAP. VII. After what manner Gargantua had his Name given him; and how he tippled, bibbed and curried the Can.

THE good Man Grangousier drinking and making merry with the rest, heard the horrible noise which his Son had made as he entered into the Light of this World, when he cried out, Some drink, some drink, some drink; whereupon he said in French, Que grand tuas & souple le gousier, that is to say, How great and nimble a throat thou hast; which the Company hearing, said, that verily the Child ought to be cal∣led Gargantua; because it was the first word that after his birth his Father had spoke in imitation, and at the Example of the an∣cient Hebrews; whereunto he condescended, and his Mother was very well pleased there∣with; in the mean while, to quiet the Child, they gave him to drink a tirelarigot, that is, till his throat was like to crack with it; then was he carried to the Font, and there bap∣tized, according to the manner of good Christians.

Immediately thereafter were appointed for him Seventeen thousand nine hundred and

thirteen Cows of the Towns of Pautille and Breemond to furnish him with milk in ordi∣nary; for it was impossible to find a Nurse sufficient for him in all the Country, con∣sidering the great quantity of milk that was requisite for his nourishment: although there were not wanting some Doctors of the Opinion of Scotus; who affirmed that his own Mother gave him suck, and that she could draw out of her Breasts one Thousand four hundred two Pipes and nine Pails of milk at every time.

Which indeed is not probable, and this point hath been found duggishly scandalous and offensive to tender Ears, for that it fa∣voured a little of Heresie: Thus was he hand∣led for one Year and ten Months, after which time, by the Advice of Physicians, they began to carry him Abroad, and then was made for him a fine little Cart drawn with Oxen, of the Invention of Ian Denio; wherein they led him hither and thither with great joy, and he was worth the seeing; for he was a fine Boy, had a burly Physi∣ognomy, and almost ten Chins; he cried very little, but beshit himself every hour: For to speak truly of him, he was wonder∣fully flegmatic in his Posteriors, both by reason of his natural Complexion, and the accidental disposition which had befallen him by his too much quaffing of the Septembral

Juice. Yet without a cause did not he sip one drop; for if he happened to be vexed, angry, displeased or sorry; if he did fret, if he did weep, if he did cry, and what grievous quarter soever he kept, bring him some drink, he would be instantly pacified, come to his own Temper, be in a good humour again, and as still and quiet as e∣ver. One of his Governesses told me (swearing by her Fig) how he was so accu∣stomed to this kind of way, that, at the sound of Pints and Flaggons, he would on a sudden fall into an Ecstacy, as if he had then tasted of the Joys of Paradise; so that they upon consideration of this his divine Com∣plexion, would every Morning to chear him up, play with a Knife upon the Glasses, on the Bottles with their stopples, and on the Pottle-pots with their lids and covers, at the sound whereof he became gay, did leap for joy, would loll and rock himself in the Cradle, then nod with his head, mono∣cordising his Fingers, and barytonising with his Tail.

CHAP. VIII. How they Apparelled Gargantua.

BEing of this Age, his Father ordained to have Clothes made to him in his own Li∣very, which was White and Blew. To work then went the Taylors, and with great ex∣pedition were those Clothes made, cut and sewed, according to the Fashion that was then in vogue. I find by the ancient Re∣cords, to be seen in the Chamber of Ac∣counts at Montforeo, that he was accounted in manner as followeth. To make him every Shirt of his, were taken up Nine hundred Ells of Chetelero Linnen, and Two hundred for the Guissets, in manner of Cushions, which they put under his Arm-pits; his Shirt was not gathered nor plaited, for the plaiting of Shirts was not found out, till the Seamstresses (when the point of their Needles was broken) began to work and occupy with the tail. There were taken up for his Doublet, Eight hundred and thir∣teen Ells of white Sattin, and for his Points Fifteen hundred and nine Dogs Skins and a half. Then was it that Men began to tie their Breeches to their Doublets, and not their Doublets to their Breeches; for it is against Nature, as hath most amply been

shewed by Ocham upon the Explonibles of Master Hautechaussade.

For his Breeches were taken up Eleven hundred and five Ells, and a third of white broad Cloath. They were cut in form of Pillars, chamfred, channel'd, and pinked behind, that they might not overheat his Reins: And were within the panes, puffed out with the lining of as much blew Damask as was needful; and remark, that he had very good Knee-rowlers, proportionable to the rest of his stature.

For his Cod-piece were used Sixteen Ells and a quarter of the same Cloath, and it was fashioned on the top like unto a trium∣phant Arch, most gallantly fastened with two enamell'd Clasps, in each of which was set a great Emerauld, as big as an Orange; for, as says Orpheus lib. de lapidibus, and Pli∣nius lib. ultimo, it hath an erective Vertue and comfortative of the natural Member. The J••ct or out-standing of his Codpiece, was of the length of a yard, jagged and pinked, and withal bagging, and strouting out with the blew damask Lining, after the manner of his Breeches: but had you seen the fair Embroidery of the small Needle∣work purl, and the curiously interlaced Knots, by the Goldsmiths Art, set out and trimmed with rich Diamonds, precious Ru∣bies, fine Turquoises, costly Emeraulds and Persian Pearls: You would have compared it

to a fair Cornucopia, or Horn of abundance, such as you see in Antics, or as Rhea gave to the two Nymphs, Amalthea and Ida, the Nurses of Iupiter.

And like to that Horn of Abundance, it was still gallant, succulent, droppy, sappy, pi∣thy, lively, always flourishing, always fru∣ctifying, full of Juice, full of Flower, full of Fruit, and all manner of delight. Blessed Lady! 'Twould have done one good to have seen it: But I will tell you more of it in the Book which I have made of the Dig∣nity of Codpieces. One thing I will tell you, that as it was both long and large, so was it well furnished and provided within, no∣thing like unto the Hypocritical Codpieces, of some fond Wooers and Wench-courters, which are stuffed only with wind, to the great prejudice of the female Sex.

For his Shooes, were taken up four hun∣dred and six Ells of blew Crimson-velvet, and were very neatly cut by parallel Lines, joyned in uniform Cylinders: For the soling of them were made use of Eleven hundred Hides of brown Cows, shapen like the tail of a Keeling.

For his Coat were taken up Eighteen hundred Ells of blew Velvet, died in grain, embroidered in its Borders with fair Gilli∣flowers, in the middle decked with silver Purle, intermixed with plates of Gold, and store of Pearls, hereby shewing, that in his

time he would prove an especial good Fellow, and singular Whip can.

His Girdle was made of Three hundred Ells and a half of silken Serge, half white and half blew, if I mistake it not. His Sword was not of Valentia, nor his Dagger of Saragosa, for his Father could not endure these Hidalgos borrachos maranisados como dia∣blos; but he had a fair Sword made of Wood, and the Dagger of boiled Leather, as well painted and gilded as any Man could wish.

His Purse was made of the Cod of an Ele∣phant, which was given him by Herre Praecon∣tal, Proconsul of Lybia.

For his Gown were employed Nine thou∣sand six hundred Ells, wanting two thirds, of blew Velvet, as before, all so diagonally purled, that by true perspective issued thence an unnamed Colour, like that you see in the Necks of Turtle-doves or Turkey-cocks, which wonderfully rejoyceth the Eyes of the Beholders. For his Bonnet or Cap were taken up Three hundred two Ells, and a Quarter of white Velvet, and the form thereof was wide and round, of the bigness of his Head; for his Father said, that the Caps of the Mirabaise fashion, made like the Cover of a Pasty, would one time or other bring a mischief on those that wore them. For his Plume, he wore a fair great blew Feather, plucked from an Onocrotal of the

Country of Hircania the wild, very prettily hanging down over his right Ear: For the Jewel or broach which in his Cap he carried, he had in a Cake of Gold, weighing three∣score and eight Marks, a fair piece of Ena∣mell'd, wherein was portrayed a Man's Bo∣dy with two Heads, looking towards one an∣other, four Arms, four Feet, two Arses, such as Plato in Symposio says, was the mysti∣cal beginning of Man's Nature; and about it was written in Ionic Letters, 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉.

To wear about his Neck, he had a golden Chain, weighing Twenty five thousand and sixty three Marks of Gold, the link thereof being made after the manner of great Ber∣ries, amongst which were set in work green Jaspers ingraven, and cut Dragon like, all invironed with Beams and Sparks, as King Nicepsos of old was wont to wear them, and it reached down to the very bust of the rising of his Belly, whereby he reaped great benefit all his life long, as the Greek Physicians knew well enough. For his Gloves were put in work sixteen Otters Skins, and three of Laugarous or Men-eating Wolves, for the bordering of them: And of this stuff were they made, by the appointment of the Cabalists of Sanlono. As for the Rings which his Father would have him to wear to renew the ancient mark of Nobility: He had on the fore-finger of his left hand a Carbuncle

as big as an Ostrige's Egg, inchased very daintily in Gold of the fineness of a Turkie Seraph. Upon the middle finger of the same hand, he had a Ring made of four Metals together, of the strongest fashion that ever was seen; so that the steel did not crash a∣gainst the Gold, nor the Silver crush the Copper. All this was made by Captain Chap∣pins, and Alcofribas his Operator. On the Medical Finger of his Right-hand, he had a Ring made Spire-ways, wherein was set a perfect baleu Ruby, a pointed Diamond, and a Poison Emerauld of an inestimable Value; for Hans-carvel the King of Milinda's Jeweller, esteemed them at the rate of Threescore nine Millions eight hundred ninety four thousand and eighteen French Crowns of Berrie, and at so much did the Iews of Auspurg prize them.

CHAP. IX. The Colours and Liveries of Gar∣gantua.

GArgantua's Colours were White and Blew, as I have shewed you before, by which his Father would give us to understand, that his Son to him was a heavenly Joy, for the White did signifie Gladness, Pleasure,

Delight and Rejoicing, and the Blew, Cele∣lestial things. I know well enough, that in reading this you laugh at the old Toaper, and hold this Exposition of Colours to be very extravagant, and utterly disagreeable to reason, because White is said to signifie Faith, and Blew Constancy. But without moving, vexing, heating, or putting you in a chase (for the Weather is dangerous) an∣swer me if it please you; for no other compulsory way of arguing will I use to∣wards you, or any else; only now and then I will mention a word or two of my Bottle.

What is it that induceth you? What stirs you up to believe, or who told you that White signifieth Faith; and Blew Constancy? An old paultry Book, say you, sold by the hawking Pedlars and Balladmongers, En∣tituled, The Blason of Colours: Who made it? Whoever it was, he was wise in that he did not set his Name to it; I know not what I should rather admire in him, his Presumption, or his Folly. His Presumption, for that he should without Reason, without Cause, or with∣out any appearance of Truth, have dared to prescribe by private Authority, what things should be denoted and signified by the Co∣lour. Which is the Custom of Tyrants, who will have their Will to bear sway instead of Equity; and not of the Wise and Learn∣ed, who with the evidence of Reason satis∣fie their Readers.

His Folly and want of Wit, in that he thought, that without any other demonstra∣tion or sufficient Argument the World would be pleased to make his blockish and ridicu∣lous Impositions, the rule of their Devices. In effect, according to the Proverb, To shitten Tails, Turd never fails; he hath found (it seems) some simple Ninny in those rude times of old, when high Bonnet were in fashion; who gave some trust to his Wri∣tings, according to which they shaped their Apophthegms and Mottos, trapped and capa∣risoned their Mules and Sumpter-horses, ap∣parelled their Pages, quarter'd their Breeches, bordered their Gloves, fring'd the Courtains and Vallens of their Beds, painted their En∣signs, composed Songs, and which is worse, placed many deceitful juglings, and unwor∣thy base tricks clandestinely, amongst the chastest Matrons. In the like darkness and mist of Ignorance, are wrapped up these vain-glorious Courtiers, and name-transposers, who going about in their Impresa's, to signifie Espoir, hath portrayed a Sphere: Birds Pens for Pins: Ancholie for Melancholy: A horned Moon or Cressant, to shew the increasing of ones Fortune: A Bench broken, to signifie Bankrupt: Non, and a corslet for non dur habit, otherwise non durabit, it shall not last: Vn lit san ciel, for Vn licenciè; which are Equivo∣cals so absurd and witless, so barbarous and clownish, that a Fox's Tail should be pinned

at his Back, and a Fool's Cap be given to every one that should henceforth offer, after the restitution of Learning, to make use of any such Fopperies in France.

By the same Reasons (if Reasons I should call them, and not Ravings rather) might I cause paint a painer, to signifie that I am in pain: a Pot of Mustard, that my Heart is much tardy; one pissing upwards for a Bishop; the bottom of a pair of Breeches for a Vessel full of Farthings; a Codpiece (as the English bears it) for the Tail of a Cod-fish; and a Dog's Turd, for the dainty Turret, wherein lies the Love of my Sweet-heart.

Far otherwise did heretofore the Sages of Aegypt, when they wrote by Letters, which they called Hieroglyphics, which none un∣derstood who were not skilled in the Vertue, Property and Nature of the Things repre∣sented by them: Of which Orus Apollon hath in Greek composed two Books, and Polyphilus in his Dream of Love set down more: In France you have a taste of them, in the Device or Impresa of my Lord Admiral, which was carried before that time by Octavian Augustus. But my little Skiff amongst these unpleasant Gulfs and Shoals, will sail no further, there∣fore must I return to the Port from whence I came; yet do I hope one Day to write more at large of these things, and to shew both by Philosophical Arguments and Au∣thorities, received and approved of, by and

from all Antiquity, what, and how many Colours there are in Nature, and what may be signified by every one of them, if God save the mould of my Cap, which is my best Wine-pot, as my Grandam said.

CHAP. X. Of that which is signified by the Co∣lours, White and Blew.

THe White therefore signifieth Joy, So∣lace and Gladness, and that not at ran∣dom, but upon just and very good Grounds; Which you may perceive to be true, if laying aside all prejudicate Affections, you will but give ear, to what presently I shall expound unto you.

Aristotle saith, That supposing two things, contrary in their kind, as Good and Evil, Vertue and Vice, Heat and Cold, White and Black, Pleasure and Pain, Joy and Grief: And so of others, if you couple them in such man∣ner, that the contrary of one kind may a∣gree in reason with the contrary of the other; it must follow by consequence, that the other contrary must answer to the remanent opposite to that wherewith it is conferred; as for ex∣amples, Vertue and Vice are contrary in one kind, so are Good and Evil; if one of the con∣traries

of the first kind, be consonant to one of those of the second, as Vertue and Goodness, for it is clear that Vertue is good, so shall the other two contraries (which are Evil and Vice) have the same connexion, for Vice is evil.

This Logical Rule being understood, take these two contraries, Joy and Sadness; then these other two, White and Black, for they are Physically contrary: If so be then that Black do signifie Grief, by good reason then should White import Joy. Nor is this signification in∣stituted by human Imposition, but by the uni∣versal consent of the World received, which Philosophers call Ius Gentium, the Law of Na∣tions, or an uncontroulable right, of force in all Countreys whatsoever; for you know well enough, that all People and all Languages and Nations (except the ancient Syracusans, and certain Argives, who had cross and thwarting Souls) when they mean outwardly to give e∣vidence of their sorrow, go in Black; and all mourning is done with Black, which general consent is not without some Argument and Reason in Nature, the which every Man may by himself very suddenly comprehend, with∣out the Instruction of any; and this we call the Law of Nature; By vertue of the same natural Instinct, we know that by White all the World hath understood Joy, Gladness, Mirth, Pleasure and Delight.

In former times, the Thracians and Grecians did mark their good, propitious and fortunate days with white stones; and their sad, dismal and unfortunate ones with black; is not the night mournful, sad and melancholic? it is black and dark by the privation of light; doth not the light comfort all the World? and it is more white than any thing else, which to prove, I could direct you to the book of Lau∣rentius Valla against Bartolus, but an Evangeli∣cal Testimony I hope will content you, Mat. 7. it is said, that at the transfiguration of our Lord, Vestimenta ejus facta sunt alba sicut lux, his apparel was made white like the light; by which lightsom whiteness he gave his three A∣postles to understand the Idea and figure of the eternal Joys▪ for by the light are all Men comforted, according to the Word of the old Woman, who although she had never a tooth in her head, was wont to say, Bona lux: and Tobit, chap. 5. after he had lost his sight, when Raphael saluted him, answered, What Ioy can I have, that do not see the Light of Heaven? In that colour did the Angels testifie the Joy of the whole World, at the Resurrection of our Saviour, Iohn 20. and at his Ascension, Acts 1. with the like colour of Vesture did St. Iohn the Evangelist, Apoc. 4.7. see the faithful Clo∣thed in the Heavenly and Blessed Ieru∣salem.

Read the Ancient both Greek and Latin Histories, and you shall find that the Town of

Alba (the first Patron of Rome) was founded, and so Named by Reason of a White Sow, that was seen there. You shall likewise find in those stories, that when any Man, after he had Vanquished his Enemies, was by decree of the Senate, to enter into Rome, triumphantly, he usually rode in a Chariot, drawn by White-Horses: Which in the Ovation, Triumph, was also the custom; for by no sign or colour would they so significantly express the Joy of their coming, as by the White: You shall there also find, how Paricles, the Generals of the Athenians, would needs have that part of his Army, unto whose Lot befel the White Beans, to spend the whole Day in Mirth, Pleasure and Ease, whilst the rest were a Fighting. A thousand other Examples and Places could I alledge to this Purpose, but that it is not here, where, I should do it.

By understanding hereof, you may re∣solve one Problem, which Alexander Aphro∣diseus hath accounted unanswerable, why the Lion who with his only Cry and Roaring, affrights all Beasts, dreads and feareth only a White Cock? for (as Proclus saith, libro de Sacrificio & Magia,) it is because the Presence, of the Vertue, of the Sun; which is the Or∣gan and Promptuarie, of all terrestrial and Syderial light doth more Symbolize, and agree with a White Cock, as well in regard of that colour, as of his Property and Specifical qua∣lity, then with a Lion. He saith further∣more,

that Devils have been often seen in the shape of Lions, which at the sight of a White Cock have presently vanished. This is the cause why the Gauli, Gauls or Galathians (so are the Frenchmen called, because they are naturally white as Milk, which the Greeks call Gala) do willingly wear in their Caps white Feathers; for by Nature they are of a candid disposition, merry, kind, gracious and well-beloved, and for their Cognizance and Arms have the whitest Flower of any, the Flower de Luce or Lilie.

If you demand, how by White, Nature would have us understand Joy and Gladness? I answer, that the Analogy and Uniformity is thus, for as the White doth outwardly disperse and scatter the rays of the Sight, whereby the Optic Spirits are manifestly dis∣solved, according to the Opinion of Aristotle in his Problems and perspective Treatises; as you may likewise perceive by Experience, when you pass over Mountains covered with Snow, how you will complain that you can∣not see well! as Xenophon writes to have hap∣pened to his Men, and as Galen very largely declareth, lib. 10. de usu partium: Just so the Heart with excessive Joy is inwardly dilated, and suffereth a manifest dissolution of the vital Spirits; which may go so far on, that it may thereby be deprived of its Nourishment, and by consequence of Life it self. By this Pericharie or extremity of Gladness, as Galen

saith, lib. 12. method. lib. 5. de locis affectis, & lib. 2. de symptomatum causis. And as it hath come to pass in former times, witness Marcus Tullius lib. 1. quaest. Tuscui. Verrius, A∣ristotle, Titus Livius in his relation of the Battle of Canna, Plinius lib. 7. cap. 32. & 34. A. Gellius lib. 3. cap. 15. and many other Wri∣ters of Diagoras the Rhodian, Chilon, Sophocles, Dionysius the Tyrant of Sicily, Philippides, Phi∣lemon, Polycrates, Philipion, M. Iuventi; and others who died with Joy, and as Avicen speak∣eth, in 2. Canon. & lib. de virib. cordis, of the Saffron, that it doth so rejoice the Heart, that if you take of it excessively, it will by an ex∣cessive dissolution and dilatation, deprive it altogether of Life, Here peruse Alex. Aphrodi∣seus lib. 1. Probl. cap. 19. and that for a cause: But what? it seems I am entred further into this point then I intended at the first: here therefore will I strike Sail, referring the rest to that Book of mine, which handleth this matter to the full. Mean while, in a word I will tell you, that Blew doth certainly signi∣fie Heaven and heavenly Things, by the same very tokens and symbols, that White signifieth Joy and Pleasure.

CHAP. XI. Of the youthful age of Gargantua.

GArgantua, from three Years upwards unto five, was brought up and Instruct∣ed, in all Convenient Discipline, by the Commandment of his Father; and spent that time like the other little Child••en of the Countrey; that is, in Drinking, Eating and Sleeping, in Eating, Sleeping and Drinking, and in Sleeping, Drinking and Eating: Still he wallowed and rowled up and down him∣self in the mire, and dirt; he blurred and sullied his nose with Filth, he blotted and smutch't his Face with any kind of nasty stuffe, he trode down his Shooes in the Heel, lay with his Mouth open to Catch Gnats, and ran a hawking after the Butterflies; the Empire whereof belonged to his Father. He pissed in his Shoes, shit in his Shirt, and wiped his nose on his sleeve: He did let his Snot and Snivel fall in his Pottage, and dabled, padled and slabbered every where. He would drink in his Slipper, and ordinarily rub his Belly against a Pa∣nier: He wou'd pick his Teeth, with a wooden Shoe; wipe his breech with his Finger, washed his Hands in his Broth, and combed his Head with a broken Ladle.

He would sit down betwixt two stools and his Arse to the ground; would cover himself with a wet sack, drink in his Potage, gnaw the bone he cou'd not swallow, eat his Cake without bread, bite laughing, and laugh biteing, spit in the dish, fart in his fist, piss against the wind; and hide himself in the Water for fear of Rain: He would strike before the Iron was hot, would blow in the dust till it fill'd his Eyes: Be often in the dumps, and frig and wriggle it. He would flay the Fox, say the Apes Paternoster, would Run at Mutton, and turn the Hogs to the Hay. He would beat the Dogs before the Lion; put the Plough be∣fore the Oxen; and claw where it did not itch. He would leap before he looked, at Midsummer-Moon, spend his Michaelmas Rent: And take misreckoning for good payment. By griping, all would hold fast nothing, and always eat his white bread first. He shoo'd the Geese, tickled himself to make himself laugh, was Cook-Ruffing in the Kitching, would sing Magnificat at Matines, and found it was an Enemy of God, would turn to ac∣count. He would eat Cabbage, and shite Col∣ly-flowers; catch Fish in a Dish of Milk, and make them all Cripples: He would tear the Paper: Race the Records, then trust his heels for his security: He would pull at the Kids-leather, or vomit up his Dinner, then reckon without his Host: He would beat the Bushes

without catching the Birds, thought the Moon was made of green Cheese, and that every thing was Gold that glisters. He would soon∣er go to the Mill than to Mass; took a Bit in the Morning to be better than nothing all day; would eat his Cake and have his Cake; and was better fed than taught; he always look∣ed a given Horse in the Mouth; would tell a Tale of a Tub; throw the Helm after the Hatchet; when the Steed was stoln, would shut the Stable-door, and bring his Hogs to a Fair Market: By robbing Peter he payed Paul, he kept the Moon from Wolves, and was ready to catch Larks, if ever the Heavens should fall: He did make of Necessity Ver∣tue, of such Bread such Pottage, and cared as little for the peeled as for the shaven: Every Morning he did cast up his gorge, his Fathers little Dogs eat out of the Dish with him, and he with them: He would bite their Ears, and they would scratch his Nose: He would blow in their Arses, and they would lick his chaps.

But hearken good Fellows, may ye be sick of the Mulligrubs, with eating chopt Hay, if now ye do not listen: This little Lecher was always groping his Nurses and Governesses, upside down, arswise, topsiturvy, harribourr quet, with a Yacco haic, hyck-gio, hand∣ling them very rudely in jumbling and tumb∣ling them to keep them going; for he had already begun to exercise the Tools, and put

the Codpiece in practice; which Codpiece his Governesses did every day deck up and adorn with fair Nosegays, curious Ribbans, sweet Flowers, and fine silken Tufts, and very pleasantly would pass their time, in ta∣king, you know what, between their Fingers, and dandling it like a little Baby; then did they burst out in laughing, when they saw it lift up its ears, as if the sport had liked them. One of them would call it her Pilli∣cock, her Fiddle-diddle, her Staff of Love, her Tickle-gizzard, her Gentle-tilter. Ano∣ther, her Sugar-plum, her Kingo, her old Rowley, her Touch-tripe, her Flap-dowdle. Another again, her Branch of Coral, her Placket-racket, her Cyprian Scepter, her Tit bit, her Bob Lady. And some of the other Women would give these Names, My Roger, my Cockatoo, my Nimble-wimble, Bush-beater, Claw-buttock, Eves-dropper, Pick-lock, Pioneer, Bully-ruffin, Smell-smock, Trouble-gusset, my lusty Live Saucage, my Crimson Chitterlin, Rump-splitter, Shove-devel, downright to't, stiff and stout, in and to, at-her-agen, my Cony-borow-ferret, Wily-beguiley, my pretty Rogue; It belongs to me, said one: It is mine, said the other: What, quoth a third, shall I have no share in it? by my faith I will cut it off then, Ha, to cut it off, (said the other,) would be a scurvy business: Madam, is it your way to cut off little Childrens things; were his cut off, he

would be then Master bob, that he might play and sport himself, after the manner of the other little Children of the Country, they made him a goodly whirle-gig of the wings of the windmil of Myrebalais.

CHAP. XII. Of Gargantua's wooden Horses.

AFterwards, that he might be all his life∣time a good Rider, they made for him a fair great Horse of wood, which he did make leap, curvet, yerk out behind, and skip forwards, all at a time, to pace, trot, rack, gallop, amble, to play the hobbie, the hackney-guelding, go the gate of the Camel, and of the wild Asss: He made him also change his colour of Hair, as the Monks of Coultibo (according to the variety of their holy-days) use to do their Clothes, from Bay, Brown, to Sorrel, Daple-gray, Mouse-dun, Deer-colour, Roan, cow-colour, gingioline, skued-colour, pybal'd, and the colour of the savage Elk.

Himself of an huge big post, made a hun∣ting Nag; and another for daily service, of the beam of a Vine-press; and of a great Oak, made up a Mule, with housson for his Chamber. Besides this, he had ten or twelve spare

Horses and seven Horses for post; and all these were lodged in his own Chamber, close by his bed-side. One day the Lord of Breadinbag, came to visit Gargantua's Father; in great bravery, and with a gallant train; and at the same time, to see him, came likewise the Duke of Frie meale, and the Earle of Wet∣gullet. The House, truly for so many guests at once was somewhat narrow, but especial∣ly the Stables. Whereupon the Stewards and Gentlemen of Horse to the Lord Breadinbag (to know if there were any other empty stables in the house;) came to Gargantua, a little young lad, and secretly asked him where the Stables of the great Horses were, think∣ing that Children would be ready to tell all. And then he led them up along the stairs of the Castle, passing by the second Hall unto a broad great Gallery, by which they entered into a large Tower, and as they were going up at another pair of stairs, said the Gentle∣man of Horse to the Steward, this Child de∣ceives us, for the Stables are never on the top of the House. You may be mistaken (said the Steward,) for I know some places at Lyons, at the Basmette, at Chaunon, and elsewhere, which have their Stables at the very tops of the Houses; so it may be, that behind the Houses there is a way to come to this ascent; but I will question him further: Then said he to Gargantua, my pretty little boy, whither do you lead us? to the stable (said he) of my great Horss,

we are almost come to it, we have but these stairs to go up at; then leading them along another great Hall, he brought them into his chamber, and opening the door said unto them, this is the stable that you ask for, this is my gennet, this is my gelding, this is my courser, and this my pad; and laid on them with a great Cudgel, I will bestow upon you (said he) this Frizeland horse: I had him from Francfort, yet will I give him you; for he is a pretty little Nag, and will go very well, with a Cast of Gosehawk, half a dozen Spa∣niels, and a Brace of Grey-hounds; thus are you King of the Hares and Patridges for all this Winter. By St. Iohn (said they) what a couple of Puts has he made us? what Mon∣keys? Hold, hold, Gentlemen, said he, you must show your Tails 'ere ye pass for Mon∣keys. Judge you now, whether they had most cause, either to hide their heads for shame, or to laugh for company; as they were going down again thus amazed, he asked them, Will you have a whimwham? What is that, said they? It is (said he) five turds to make you a muzzel: To day (said the Steward) though we happen to be rosted, we shall not be burnt, for we are pretty well basted and larded in my opinion. O my jolly daper boy, thou hast given us a Gudgeon, I hope to see thee Pope before I die: I think so (said he) my self; and then shall you be a Puppy, and this gentle po∣pinjeay pop into some Office under me. Well,

well (said the Gentleman of the Horse.) But (said Gargantua) guess how many stitches there are in my Mothers Smock: Sixteen (quoth the Gentleman) You do not speak Gospel (said Gargantua) for there is sent before, and sent be∣hind, and you did reckon them ill, considering the two under holes: When (said the Gentleman) Even then (said Gargantua) when they made a shovel of your Nose to take up a quarter of dirt, and of your Throat a Funnel, wherewith to put it into another Vessel, because the bottom of the old one was out. Cocksbod (said the ste∣ward) we have met with a Prater. Farewel (Master tatler) God keep you from harm, now your mouth is so mellow.

Thus going down in great haste, under the Arch of the Stairs, they let fall the great Leaver, vvhich he had put upon their backs; vvhereupon Gargantua said, vvhat a Divel, you are (it seems) but bad horsemen, that suffer your bilder to fail you, vvhen you need him most. If you vvere to go from hence to Chau∣sas, vvhether had you rather ride on a Goose, or lead a Sow in a Leash? I had rather drink (said the Gentleman of Horse) vvith this they entered into the lower••Hall, vvhere the com∣pany was, and relating to them this new Story, made them laugh like a swarm of Flies.

CHAP. XIII. How Gargantua's wonderful Under∣standing became known to his Father Grangousier, by the Invention of a Torchcul, or Wipe-breech.

ABout the end of the Fifth Year, Gran∣gousier returning from the Conquest of the Canarians, went by the way to see his Son Gargantua; there was he filled with Joy, as such a Father might be at the sight of such a Child of his. And whilst he kist him and embrac'd him, he asked many childish Questions of him about divers mat∣ters, and drank very freely with him and with his Governesses, of whom in great ear∣nest, he asked among other things, whether they had been careful to keep him clean and sweet? To this Gargantua answered, that he had taken such a course for that himself, that in all the Country there was not to be found a cleanlier Boy then he. How is that (said Grangousier) I have (answer'd Gargantua) by a long and curious Experience found out a means to wipe my Bum, the most Lordly, the most Excellent, and the most Convenient that ever was seen: What is it? (said Gran∣gousier) how is it? I will tell you by and by (said Gargantua) once I did wipe me with a

Gentlewomans Velvet Mask, and found it to be good; for the softness of the Silk was very voluptuous and pleasant to my Funda∣ment. Another time with one of their Hoods, and in like manner that was comfortable: At another time with a Ladies Neck-kerchief, and after that I wiped me with some ear-pieces of hers made of crimson Sattin, but there was such a number of golden Spangles in them (turdy round things, a Pox take them) that they fetched away all the Skin off my Tail with a vengeance. Now I wish St. An∣thony's Fire burn the Bumgut of the Gold∣smith that made them, and of her that wore them. This hurt I cured by wiping my self with a Pages Cap, garnished with a Feather after the Switzers fashion.

Afterwards, in dunging behind a bush, I found a March-Cat, and with it wiped my Breech, but her Claws were so sharp that they scratched and exulcerated all my Perinee; of this I recovered the next Morning there∣after, by wiping my self with my Mother's Gloves, of a most excellent Perfume and Scent of the Arabian Benin. After that I wiped me with Sage, with Fennil, with Anet, with Marjoram, with Roses, with Gourd-Leaves, with Beets, with Colewort, with Leaves of the Vine-tree, with Mallows, Wool-blade (which is a Tail-scarlet) with Lettice and with Spinage Leaves. All this did very great good to my Leg. Then

with Mercury, with Pursly, with Nettles, with Comfrey; but that gave me the Bloody Flux of Lumbardy, which I healed by wiping me with my Braguette. Then I wiped my Tail in the Sheets, in the Coverlet, in the Curtains, with a Cushion, with Arras Hang∣ings, with a green Carpet, with a Table-cloath, with a Napkin, with a Handkerchief, with a Combing-cloath, in all which I found more Pleasure than do the Mangy Dogs when you rub them. Yea, but (said Gran∣gousier) which Torchecul didst thou find to be the best? I was coming to it (said Gargantua) and by and by shall you hear the tu autem, and know the whole Mystery and Knot of the Matter. I wiped my self with Hay, with Straw, with Thatch-rushes, with Flax, with Wooll, with Paper; but,

Tousiours laisse aux couillons esmorche, Qui son ord cul de papier torche.

Who his foul Tail with paper wipes, Shall at his Ballocks leave some chips.

What (said Grangousier) my little Rogue, hast thou been at the Pot, that thou dost rhime already? Yes, yes, my Lord the King (an∣swered Gargantua) I can rhime out of mea∣sure; I can rhime and chime, and clink till I stink agen. Hark what our Privy says to the Skiters:

Shittard Squirtard Crackard Turdous, Thy bung Hath flung Some dung On us. Filthard Cackard Stinkard, St. Anthony fire thy Arse∣bone, If thy Dirty Toby Thou do not wipe e'er thou be gone.

Will you have any more of it? Yes, yes (answer'd Grangousier.) Then said Gargantua,

A Roundlay.

A shiting, I found yesterday The Tax I to my Arse should pay; The Bung-hole breath'd so vile a funk, That one would wonder how I stunk: O had but then some brave Signior Brought her to me I waited for, A shiting.

I would have cleft her Watergap, And joyn'd it close to my Flipflap; Whilst she had with her Fingers guarded My foul Nockandrow, all bemerded A shiting.

Now say that I can do nothing, by the Merdi, they are not of my making, but I heard them of this good old Grandam, that you see here, and ever since have retained them in the Budget of my Memory.

Let us return to our Business, said Gran∣gousier: What (said Gargantua) to skite? No (said Grangousier) but to wipe our Tail: But (said Gargantua) will not you be con∣tent to pay a Punchion of Britton-Wine, if I do not blank and gravel you in this matter, and put you to a non-plus? Yes truely, said Grangousier.

There is no need of wiping ones Tail (said Gargantua) but when it is foul; foul it cannot be unless one have been a skiting; skite then we must before we wipe our Tails. O my pretty little waggish Boy (said Grangousier) what an excellent Wit thou hast? I will make thee very shortly proceed Do∣ctor in the Belles Lettres, and by G—, for thou hast more Wit than Age.

Now, I prethee, go on in this Bumfodder Discourse; and, by my Beard, I swear, for one Puncheon thou shall have threescore Pipes,

I mean of the good Breton Wine, not that which grows in Britain, but in the good Country of Verron. Afterwards I wiped my Bum (said Gargantua) with a Kerchief, with a Pillow, with a Pantoufle, with a Pouch, with a Panier, but that was a wicked and unplea∣sant wipe-Breech; then with a Hat; of Hats, note that some are shorn, and others shaggy, some velveted, others cover'd with taffities and others with sattin, the best of all these is the shaggy Hat, for it makes a very neat abstersion of the fecal matter.

Afterwards I wiped my Tail with a Hen, with a Cock, with a Pullet, with a Calves Skin, with a Hare, with a Pigeon, with a Cormorant, with an Attorney's Bag, with a Montero, with a Coif, with a Faulconer's Lure; but to conclude, I say and maintain▪ that of all Torcheculs, Arsewisps, Bumfodders, Tail-napkins, Bunghole-cleansers and wipe-breeches, there is none in the World com∣parable to the Neck of a Goose, that is well douned, if you hold her head betwixt your Legs: And believe me therein upon mine Ho∣nour; for you will thereby feel in your Nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said Doun, and of the temperate heat of the Goose; which is easily communicated to the Bumgut, and the rest of the Intestines, insofar as to come even to the Regions of the Heart and Brains.

And think not, that the Felicity of the Heroes and Demigods in the Elysian Fields, con∣sisteth either in their Asphodele, Ambrosia, or Nectar, as our old Women here use to say; but in this (according to my judgment) that they wipe their Tails with the Neck of a Goose, holding her Head betwixt their Legs, and such is the Opinion of Master Iohn of Scotland.

CHAP. XIV. How Gargantua was taught Latin by a Sophister.

THE good Man Grangousier, having heard this discourse, was ravish'd with Admiration, considering the high reach, and marvellous understanding of his Son Gar∣gantua, and said to his Governesses. Philip King of Macedon knew the great Wit of his Son Alexander, by his skilful managing of a Horse; for his Horse Bucephalus was so fierce and unruly, that none durst adventure to ride him; after that he had given to his Ri∣ders such devillish falls, breaking the Neck of this Man, the other Man's Leg, braining one, and cracking another's Jaw-bone. This by Alexander being considered, one day in the Hippodrome (which was a place appointed for

the breaking and managing of great Horses) he perceived that the fury of the Horse pro∣ceeded meerly from the fear he had of his own shadow; whereupon getting on his back, he run him against the Sun, so that the sha∣dow fell behind, and by that means tamed the Horse, and brought him to his hand. Whereby his Father perceiving his marvel∣lous Capacity and divine Insight, caused him most carefully to be instructed by Aristotle; who at that time was highly renowned above all the Philosophers of Greece. After the same manner, I tell you, that by this only dis∣course, which now I have here had before you with my Son Gargantua; I know that his Understanding doth participate of some Divinity; and that if he be well taught, and have that Education which is fitting, he will attain to a supream degree of Wisdom. There∣fore will I commit him to some learned Man, to have him indoctrinated according to his Capacity, and will spare no cost.

Presently they appointed him a great So∣phister-Doctor, called Master Tubal Holo∣phernes, who taught him his ABC, so well, that he could say it by heart backwards; and about this he was Five Years and three Months.

Then read he to him, Donat, facet, theo∣dolet, and Alanus in parabolis: About this he was Thirteen Years six Months and two Weeks. But you must remark, that in the

mean time he did learn to write in Gottish Characters, and that he wrote all his Books; for the Art of Printing was not then in use.

And did ordinarily carry a great Pen and Inkhorn, weighing above Seven thousand Quintals, the Pen-case vvhereof vvas as big and as long as the great Pillar of Enay; and the Horn vvas hanged to it in great Iron Chains, it being of the vvideness to hold a Tun of Merchand Ware.

After that vvas read unto him the Book de modis significandi, with the Commentaries of Hurtbise, of Fasquin, of Tropifeu, of Gaulhaut, of Iohn Calf, of Billonio, of Berlinguandus, and a rabble of others; and herein he spent more then Eighteen Years and eleven Months, and was so well versed therein, that to try Masteries in School-disputes with his Condis∣ciples, he would recite it by heart backwards: And did sometimes prove on his Fingers ends to his Mother, Quod de modis significandi non erat scientia. Then was read to him the Com∣post, on which he spent Sixteen Years and two Months. And at that very time, which was in the Year 1420, his said Praeceptor died of the Pox.

Afterwards he got an old coughing Fellow to teach him, named Master Iobelin Bridé, vvho read unto him Hugotio, Flebard, Grecism, the Doctrinal, the Pars, the Quid est, the Sup∣plementum, Marmoretus de moribus in mensa ser∣vandis, Seneca de quatuor virtutibus cardinalibus,

Passaventus cum commento; and Dormi securè for the Holy-days, and other such llke stuff; by reading vvhereof he became as vvise as any vve ever since baked in an Oven.

CHAP. XV. How Gargantua was put under other School-masters.

AT the last his Father perceived, that indeed he studied hard, and that al∣though he spent all his time therein, yet for all that did he profit nothing; but vvhich is worse, grew thereby a Fool, a Sot, a Doult and Block-head; whereof making a heavy complaint to Don Philip of Marays, Viceroy of Papeligosse, he found that it were better for his Son to learn nothing at all, then to be taught such like Books, under such School-masters, because their Knowledge was no∣thing but all Trifle, and their Wisdom Fop∣pery, serving only to basterdize good and noble Spirits, and to corrupt the Flower of Youth. That it is so, take (said he) any Young Boy of this time, who hath only stu∣died two Years; if he have not a better Judgment, a better Discourse, and that ex∣pressed in better Terms then your Son, with a compleater Carriage and Civility to all

manner of persons, account me for ever hereafter a very clounch, and baconslicer of Brene. This pleased Grangousier very well and he commanded that it should be done.

At night at supper, the said Don Philip brought in a young Page of his, of Ville-gouges, called Eudemon, so neat, so trim, so handsom in his Ap∣parel, so spruce, with his Hair in so good Or∣der, and so sweet and comely in his behaviour, that he had the resemblance of a little Angel more than of a human Creature. Then he said to Grangousier, Do you see this young Boy? He is not as yet full twelve years old; let us try (if it like you) what difference there is be∣twixt the knowledge of the Dunces Mateologi∣an of old time, and the young Lads that are now. The Tryal pleased Grangousier, and he commanded the Page to begin. Then Eude∣mon, asking leave of the Vice-Roy his Master, so to do, vvith his Cap in his hand, a clear and open countenance, beautiful and ruddy Lips, his Eyes steady, and his Looks fixed upon Gar∣gantua, with a youthful modesty; standing up strait on his feet, began to commend him; first for his Vertue and good Manners; se∣condly for his knowledg; thirdly, for his No∣bility; fourthly, for his bodily accomplishments; and in the fifth place, most sweetly exhorted him to reverence his Father with all due ob∣servancy, vvho was so careful to have him well brought up; in the end he prayed him, that he vvould vouchsafe to admit of him amongst

the least of his Servants; for other Favour at that time desired he none of Heaven, but that he might do him some grateful and acceptable Service; all this was by him delivered vvith such proper gestures, such distinct Pronuncia∣tion, so pleasant a Delivery, in such exqui∣site fine Terms, and so good Latin, that he see∣med rather a Gracchus, a Cicero, an Aemilius of the time past, then a youth of this Age. But all the countenance that Gargantua kept was, that he fell to crying like a Cow, and cast down his Face, hiding it with his Cap, nor could they possibly draw one word from him, no more than a Fart from a dead Ass.

Whereat his Father vvas so grievously ve∣xed, that he vvould have killed Master Iobe∣lin, but the said Don Philip vvith-held him from it by fair persuasions, so that at length he pacifyed his Wrath. Then Grangousier com∣manded he should be payed his Wages, that they should wittle him up soundly, Sophister-like, and then give him to all the Devils in Hell: At least (said he) to day, shall it not cost him much to his Host, if by chance he should dye as drunk as an Englishman. Master Iobe∣lin being gone out of the house, Grangousier consulted vvith the Viceroy vvhat Schoo••-master they should choose for him, and it vvas be∣twixt them resolv'd, that Ponocrates the Tu∣tor of Eudemon should have the charge, and that they should go altogether to Paris, to know what vvas the study of the young Men of France at that time.

CHAP. XVI. How Gargantua was sent to Paris, and of the huge great Mare that he rode on; How she destroyed the Oxe-flies of the Beauce.

IN the same season Fayoles, the fourth King of Numidia, sent out of the Country of Africk to Grangousier, the most hideously great Mare that ever vvas seen, and of the strangest Form (for you know vvell enough) how it is said, that Africk always is productive of some new thing. She was as big as six Elephants, and had her feet cloven, into toes, like Iulius Caesars horse, with slouch-hanging ears, like the goats in Languedoc, and a little horn on her buttock, she was of a burnt sorel hue, with a little mixture of daple gray spots, but above all she had a horrible tail; for it was little more or less, then every whit, as great as the Steeple of St. Mark besides Langes; and squared as that is, with tuffs and hair plaits, wrought within one another, no otherwise then as the beards are upon the ears of corn.

If you wonder at this, wonder rather at the Tails of the Scythian Rams, which weighed above thirty pounds each, and of the Su••ian Sheep, who need (if ••enaud say true) a little

cart at their heels to bear up their Tail, it is so long and heavy. You Country wenches have no such Tails: And she was brought by Sea in three Carricks and a Brigantine unto the Harbour of Olone in Thalmondois. When Gran∣gousier saw her, Here is (said he) vvhat is fit to carry my Son to Paris. So now, in the name of God, all vvill be vvell, he vvill one day be a great Scholar; vvere it not for Dunces, vve should all be Doctors. The next Morning (after they had drunk, you must understand) they took their Journey; Gargantua, his Pedagogue, Ponoorates, and their Equipage, and with them Eudemon, the young Page; and because the weather was fair and temperate, his Fa∣ther caused to be made him a pair of dun boots; Babin calls them buskins. Thus did they merrily pass their time in travelling on their high-way, always making good chear, and and were very pleasant till they came a little above Orleans, in which place there was a forrest of five and thirty leagues long, and seventeen in breadth, or thereabouts. This Forrest was most horribly, fertile and copi∣ous in Dorflies, Hornets and Wasps, so that it was a very Purgatory for the poor Mares, Asses and Horses: But Gargantua's Mare did avenge her self handsomly, of all the out-ra∣ges therein committed upon Beasts of her quality, and that by a trick whereof they had no suspicion. For as, soon as ever they were entred into the said Forrest, and that

the Wasps had given the assault, she drew out her tail, and therewith skirmishing, did so sweep them, that she overthrew all the Wood alongst and athwart, here and there, this way and that way, longwise and sidewise, over and under, and felled every where the wood with as much ease, as a mower doth the grass, in such sort▪ that ne∣ver since hath there been there, neither Wood, nor Wasp••: For all the Countrey vvas h••••••∣by reduced to a plain champian-Field. Which Gargantua took great pleasure to behold, and said to his company no more but this, Ie trove beauce, I find this pretty; whereupon that countrey hath been ever since that time called Beauce. But all the breakfast the Mare got that day, was but a little yawning and gaping, in memory, whereof the Gen∣tlemen of Beauce do as yet to this day break their fast with gaping, which they find to be very good, and do spit the better for it. At last they came to Paris, where Gargantua refresh't himself two or three days, making very merry with his folks, and enquiring what Men of learning there▪ were then in the City and what wine they drunk there.

CHAP. XVII. How Gargantua payed his Beverage to the Parisians, and how he took away the great Bells of our Lady's Church.

SOme few days after that they had refresht themselves, he went to see the City, and was beheld of every Body there with great Admiration. For the People of Paris are such Fools, such Puppies and Naturals, that a Jugler, a Carrier of Indulgences, a Sumpter-horse, a Mule with his Bells, a Blind Fidler in the middle of a cross Lane, shall draw a greater confluence of People to∣gether, than an Evangelical Preacher. And they prest so hard upon him, that he vvas constrained to rest himself upon the Steeple of our Lady's Church; at which place, see∣ing so many about him, he said with a loud Voice, I believe that these Buzzards will have me to pay them here my Welcom hither, and my Beverage: It is but good reason, I will now give them their Wine, but it shall be only a Par ris, that is, in Sport. Then smiling, he untied his goodly Codpiece, and lugging out his Roger into the open Air, he so bitterly all to bepist them, that he drowned Two hun∣dred and sixty thousand, four hundred and

eighteen, besides the Women and little Chil∣dren.

Some nevertheless of the Company esca∣ped this Piss-flood by meer speed of Foot, who when they were at the higher end of the University, sweating, coughing, spitting and out of breath, they began to swear and curse, some in good hot earnest, and others Par ris, Carimari, Carimara; Golynoly, Golynolo; Ods-Bodikins, we are washed Par ris, from whence that City hath been ever since called Paris; whose name formerly was Leucotia (as Strabo testifieth, lib. quarto) which in Greek is Whiteness, because of the white Thighs of the Ladies of that place. And forasmuch as at this imposition of a new name, all the People that were there, swore every one by the Sancts of his Parish, the Parisians, which are patch'd up of all Nations, and all manner of Men, are by Nature good at Swearing, and not a little domineering; whereupon Io∣anninus de Barrauco libro de copiositate reveren∣t••arum, thinks that they are called Parisians, from the Greek, as one would say, Bold Talkers.

This done, he considered the great Bells, which were in the said Steeple, and made them ring very harmoniously; which whilst he was doing, it came into his Mind, that they would serve very well for tingling Tan∣tans to hang about his Mares Neck, when she should be sent back to his Father (as he in∣tended)

loaded with Brie Cheese and fresh Herring; and indeed he forthwith carried them to his Lodging. In the mean while there came a Master beggar of the Friars of St. Anthony, for some Hogs Purtenance; who that he might be heard afar-off, and to make the Bacon shake in the very Chimneys, had a mind to these Bells, and made account to filch them away privily. Nevertheless, he left them behind very honestly, not for that they were too hot, but that they were some∣what too heavy for his carriage. This was not he of Bourg, for he was too good a Friend of mine.

All the City was in an Uproar, they be∣ing (as you know) upon any slight occasion, so ready to Uproars and Insurrections, that foreign Nations wonder at the Patience of the Kings of France, who do not by good Justice restrain them from such tumultuous Courses, seeing the manifold inconveniences which thence arise from day to day. Would to God I knew the Shop, wherein are forged these Divisions, and factious Combinations, that I might bring them to light in the con∣fraternities of my Parish. Believe for a truth, that the place wherein the people (gathered together) were thus sulfur'd, moiled and bepist, was called Nesle, where then was (but now is no more) the Oracle of Leucotia. There was the case proposed, and the incon∣venience shewed of carrying away the Bells.

After all their ergos, with their pro and con, it was concluded in Baralipton, that they should send the oldest and most sufficient of the Faculty unto Gargantua, to signifie unto him the great and horrible prejudice they sustain by the want of those Bells; and not∣withstanding the good reasons given in by some of the University, why this charge was fitter for an Orator than a Sophister, there was chosen for this purpose our Master Iano∣tus de Bragmardo.

CHAP. XVIII. How Janotus de Bragmardo was sent to Gargantua, to recover the great Bells.

MAster Ianotus, with his Hair cut round as a Dish, his Liripoop on his Head, after the old fashion; and having sufficiently antidoted his Stomach with Kitchen-Cordials, and holy Water of the Cellar, convoy'd him∣self to the Lodging of Gargantua, driving before him three red muzled Beadles, and draging after him five or six Artless Masters, all throughly bedagled with the Mire of the Streets. At their entry Ponocrates met them, who was afraid, seeing them so disguised, and thought they had been some Maskers out

of their Wits; which moved him to enquire of one of the said Artless Masters of the Com∣pany, what this Mummery meant? It was answer'd him, that they desired to have their Bells restored to them. As soon as Ponocrates heard that, he ran in all haste to carry the news unto Gargantua, that he might be ready to answer them, and speedily resolve what was to be done. Gargantua being advertised hereof, called apart his School-master Pono∣crates, Philotimus Steward of his House, Gym∣nastes his Esquire, and Eudemon, and very summarily conferred with them, both of what he should do, and what answer he should give. They were all of Opinion, that they should bring them unto the Can-office, and there make them drink like Roysters, and line their Jackets soundly. And that this Cougher might not be puft up with Vain-glory, by thinking the Bells were restored at his Request, they sent (whilst he was plying the Pot) for the Major of the Town, the Rector of the Faculty, and the Vicar of the Church, unto whom they resolved to deliver the Bells, before the Sophister had delivered his Commission. After that, in their hearing, he should make his fine Harangue, which was done, and they being come, the Sophister was brought into a full Hall, and began as fol∣loweth, in coughing.

CHAP. XIX. The Harangue of Master Jonatus de Bragmardo, for the Recovery of the Bells.

HEM, hem, Gudday Sir, Gudday, & vo∣bis, my Masters, it were but reason that you should restore to us our Bells: for we have great need of them. Hem, hem, aihfuhash, we have oftentimes heretofore re∣fused good Money for them of those of London in Cahors, yea and of those of Bourdeaux in Brie, who would have bought them for the substantific Quality of the elementary Complexion▪ which is intronisicated in the terrestreity of their quidditative nature, to extraneize the blasting Mists and Whirl winds upon our Vines; indeed not ours, but these round a∣bout us. For if we lose the Liquor of the Grape, we lose all, both Sense and Law. If you restore them unto us at my request, I shall gain by it six Basketful of Sauciges, and a fine pair of Breeches, which will do my Legs a great deal of good, or else they will not keep their pro∣mise to me. Ho by gob, domine, a pair of Breeches is good, & vir sapiens non abhorrebit ••am. Ha, ha, a pair of Breeches is not so easily got, I have experience of it my self. Consider, Domine, I have been these Eighteen

Days in metagrabolising this brave Speech, Red∣dite quae sunt Caesaris, Caesari, & quae sunt Dei, Deo. Ibi jacet lepus, by my Faith, Domine, if you will sup with me in camera, by cox body, Charitatis nos faciemus bonum cherubin; ego occi∣dit unum porcum, & ego habet bonum vino: But of good Wine we cannot make bad Latin. Well, De parte Dei datè nobis bellas nostras; Hold, I give you in the name of the Facul∣ty, a Sermones de utino, that utinam you would give us our Bells. Vultis etiam pardonos? per diem vos habebitis, & nihil payabiris.

O Sir Domine, Bellagivaminor nobis; verily, est bonum vobis. They are useful to every bo∣dy. If they fit your Mare well, so do they do our Faculty; Quae comparata est jumentis insipientibus, & similis facta est eis, Psalmo nescio quo. Yet did I quote it in my Note-book; & est unum bonum Achilles, a good defending Argument, Hem, hem, hem, haikhash; for I prove unto you that you should give me them. Ego sic argumentor, Omnis bella bella∣bilis in Bellerio bellando, bellans bellativo, bellare facit, bellabiliter bellantes. Parisius habet bellas; ergo gluc. Ha, ha, ha, this is spoken to some purpose; it is in tertio primae, in Darii, or elsewhere. By my soul, I have seen the time that I could play the Devil in arguing, but now I am much failed; and hencefor∣ward want nothing but good Wine, a good Bed, my Back to the Fire, my Belly to the Table, and a good deep dish.

Hei domine, I beseech you, in nomine Patris, Filii & Spiritûs sancti, Amen, to restore unto us our Bells; and God keep you from evil, and our Lady from Health; Qui vivit & regnat per omnia secula seculorum, Amen. Hem, hashch••hhawk sash, qzrchremhemhash. Verùm enim vero, quandoquidem, dubio procul, aedepol, quoniam, ità, certé, meus deus filius. A Town without Bells is like a blind Man without a Staff, an Ass without a Crupper, and a Cow without Cymbals; therefore be assured, until you have restored them unto us, we will never leave crying after you, like a blind Man that hath lost his Staff, braying like an Ass without a Crupper, and making a noise like a Cow without Cymbals. A certain La∣tinisator dwelling near the Hospital, said once, producing the Authority of one Taponnus, I lye, it was Pontanus the secular Poet, who wish'd those Bells had been made of Feathers, and the Clapper of a Fox-tail, to the End they might have begot a Chronicle in the Bowels of his Brain, when he was about the composing of his carmini-formal Lines; But Nac petetin petetac, tic, torche Lorgne, more the Deponent saith not. He was declared an He∣retic; We make them as of Wax. And valete & plaudite. Calepinus recensus.

CHAP. XX. How the Sophister carried away his Cloath, and how he had a Suit in Law against the other Masters.

THE Sophister had no sooner ended, but Ponocrates and Eudemon burst out in a laughing so heartily, that they had al∣most split with it, and given up the Ghost, even just as Crassus did, seeing a lubberly Ass eat Thistles; and as Philemon, who see∣ing an Ass eat those Figs which were provi∣ded for his own dinner, died with force of Laughing. Together with them Master Ionatus fell a laughing too as fast as he could, in which mood of laughing they continued so long, that their Eyes did Water by the vehement concussion of the substance of the Brain, by which these lachrymal Humidities, being prest out, glided through the optic Nerves; and so to the full represented Demo∣critus Heraclitising, and Heraclitus Democri∣tising.

When they had done laughing, Gargantua consulted with the prime of his Retinue, what should be done. There Ponocrates was of Opinion, that they should make this fair Orator drink again, and seeing he had shew∣ed them more Pastime, and made them

laugh more than a natural. Fool could have done, that they should give him Ten Basket full of Sauciges, mentioned in his Jolly Ha∣rangue, with a pair of Hose, three hundred great Billets for the Fire, five and twenty Hog∣sheds of Wine, a good large Down-bed, and a deep capacious Dish, which he said were neces∣sary for his old Age.

All this was done as they did appoint; only Gargantua doubting that they could not quickly find out Breeches fit for his wearing, because he knew not what fashion would best become the said Orator, whether the ma••∣tingal Fashion, wherein is a spunge-hole with a draw Bridge, for the more easie ca∣guing; or the fashion of the Mariners, for the greater solace and comfort of his Kidneys▪ or that of the Switzers, which keeps warm the Belly-tabret; or round Breeches with strait cannions, having in the Seat a piece like a Cods Tail; all which considered, for fear of over hea••ing his Reins, he caused to be given him seven Ells of white Cloath for the linings. The Wood was carried by the Porters, the Masters of Arts carried the Sau∣ciges and the Dishes, and Master Ianotus him∣self would carry the Cloath. One of the said Masters▪ (called Iesse Bandouille) shewed him that it was not seemly nor decent for one of his Degree and Quality to do so, and that therefore he should deliver it to one of them▪ Ha, said Ianotus, Blockhead, Block∣head,

thou dost not conclude in modo & figura; for loe, to this end serve the Suppo∣sitions, & parva Logicalia: Pannus, pro quo supponit? Confusè (said Bandouille) & distri∣butivè. I do not ask thee (said Ionatus) Blockhead, quomodo supponit, but pro qui? It is Blockhead, pro tibiis meis, and therefore I will carry it, Egomet, sicut suppositum, portat apposi∣tum; so did he carry it away very close, as Patelin did his Cloath. The best was, that when this Cougher in a full Assembly held at the Mathurins, had with great confidence demanded his Breeches and Sauciges, and that they were flatly denied him, because he had them of Gargantua, according to the Infor∣mations thereupon taken; he shewed them that this was gratis, and out of pure liberality, by which they were not in any sort quit of their Promises. Notwithstanding this it was answered him, that he should be content with Reason, without expectation of any other Bribe there. Reason? (said Ianotus) we use none of that here, unlucky Traytors, you are not worth the hanging; the Earth bear∣eth not more arrant Villains then you are, I know it well enough; Halt not before Cripples; I have practised wickedness with you. By God's Rattle I will inform the King of the Enormous Abuses that are forged here, and carried under hand by you, and let me be a Leper if he do not burn you alive like Bougres, Traytors, Heretics and Suducers, Ene∣mies to God and Vertue.

Upon these words they framed Articles a∣gainst them; he on the other side cited them to appear: In summ, the Process was retained by the Court, and there it is yet depending. Hereupon the Magisters made a vow, never to rub off the Dirt from either Shooes or Clothes: Master Ianotus with his Adherents, vowed never to blow their Noses, until Judg∣ment were given by a definitive Sentence.

By reason of those Vows, both Parties con∣tinue Dirty and Snotty to this Day; for the Court hath not yet fully looked into all the Proceedings: So that the Judgment is not like to be declar'd till latter Lammas; that is to say, Never. So you find that they do more then Nature, and contrary to their own Articles: The Articles of Paris maintain, that to God alone belongs infinity, and Nature produceth nothing that is Immortal; for she putteth an end and period to all things by her engender'd, according to the Saying, Omnia orta cadunt, &c. But these Thick-mist-swallowers make the Suits in Law, depending before them, both Infinite and Immortal; in doing whereof, they have given occasion to, and verified the Saying of, Chilo the Lacedaemonian, consecrated at Delphos, That Misery goes along with Law-suits, and Suiters are miserable; for sooner shall they attain to the End of their Lives, than to the Final Decision of their pre∣tended Rights.

CHAP. XXI. The Study of Gargantua, according to the Discipline of his School-masters the Sophisters.

THE first day being thus spent, and the Bells put up again in their own place, the Citizens of Paris, in acknowledgment of this Courtesie, offer'd to maintain and feed his Mare as long as he pleased; which Gar∣gantua took in good part, and they sent her to graze in the Forest of Biere. I think she is not there now. This done, he with all his heart submitted his study to the discretion of Ponocrates; who first of all appointed that he should do as he was accustom'd, to the end it might be underdood by what means, in so long time, his old Masters had made him such a Sot and Puppy. He disposed therefore of his time in such fashion, that ordinarily he did awake betwixt eight or nine a clock, whether it was day or not (for so had his ancient Governors ordained) alledging that which David saith; Vanam est vobis ante lucem surgere. Then did he tumble and toss, wag his Legs and wallow in the Bed some∣time, the better to stir up and rouse his vital Spirits, and apparell'd himself according to the Season: But willingly he would wear a

great long Gown of thick Freeze, furred with Fox-Skins. Afterwards he combed his Head with a Comb de al-main, which is the four Fingers and the Thumb; for his Prae∣ceptors had said, That to comb himself otherways, to wash and make himself neat, was to lose time in this World. Then he dung'd, pist, spued, belch'd, crack'd, yawn'd, spitted, cough'd, vexed, sneez'd and snotted himself like an Arch-deacon: And to fortifie against the Fog and bad air, went to breakfast, having some good fried Tripes, fair Rashers on the Coals, good Gamons of Bacon, store of good minc'd Meat, and a great deal of sippet-Brewis, made up of the Fat of the Beef-pot, laid upon Bread, Cheese and chopt Parsley strew'd together.

Ponocrates shew'd him, that he ought not to eat so soon after rising out of his Bed, un∣less he had performed some Exercise before∣hand: Gargantua answer'd, What have not I sufficiently well exercised my self? I have wallow'd and roll'd my self six or seven turns in my Bed, before I rose: Is not that enough? Pope Alexander did so, by the advice of a Iew his Physician, and lived till his dying day in despite of his Enemies. My first Masters have used me to it, saying, That to eat Break-fast made a good memory; and therefore they drank first. I am very well after it, and dine but the better. And Master Tubal (who was the first Licentiat at Paris) told me, That it was not enough to run apace, but to set forth betimes.

So the total Welfare of our humidity doth not depend upon drinking, switter, swatter like Ducks, but in being at it early in the Morn∣ing. Vnde versus,

Lener matin n' est point bon heur, Boire matin est le meilleur.

To rise betimes is good for nothing, To drink betimes is Meat and Clothing.

After a good Breakfast he went to Church, and they carried to him in a great Basket, a huge Breviary, weighing what in Grease, Clasps, Parchment and Cover, little more or less than Eleven hundred and six Pounds. There he heard six and twenty or thirty Masses: This while, to the same place came his Mattin-mumbler, muffled up about the Chin, round as an Hoop, and his breath pretty well antidoted with the Vine-tree-sirrup. With him he mumbled all his Kiriels, which he so curiously thumbed and finger'd, that there fell not so much as one Bead of them to the Ground. As he went from the Church they brought him upon a Dray drawn with Oxen, a confused heap of Patinotres of Sante Claude, every one of the bigness of a Hat∣block; and sauntring along through the Cloy∣sters, Galleries or Garden, he riddled over more of them than sixteen Hermites would have done. Then did he study some paltry half-hour with his Eyes fix'd upon his Book;

but (as the Comedy has it) His mind was in the Kitchen. Pissing then a whole pot full, he sate down at Table; and because he was na∣turally flegmatic, he began his Meal with some dozens of Gammons, dried Neats Tongues, Botargos, Sauciges and such other fore-runners of Wine; in the mean while, four of his Folks did cast into his mouth one after another continually mustard by whole shovels full. Immediately after that, he drank a horrible draught of White-Wine for the comfort of his Kidneys. When that was done, he eat according to the Season, Meat agreeable to his Appetite; and then left off eating when his Belly was like to crack for fulness. As for his drinking, he had in that neither end nor rule; for he was wont to say, That the limits and bounds of drinking were, that a Man might drink till the Cork of his Shooes swells up half a foot high.

CHAP. XXII. The Games of Gargantua.

THen with a starched phys mumbling over some Scraps of a scurvie grace, he wash't his Hand in fresh wine, pick't his Teeth with the foot of a hog, and talked merrily with his People; then the Carpet being spred, they brought plenty of Cards, many Dice, with great store and abundance of checkers and chess-boards.

There he played.

• At Flusse.
• At Primero.
• At the beast.
• At the rifle.
• At trump.
• At the prick and spare not.
• At the hundred.
• At the peenie.
• At the unfortunate Woman.
• At the fib.
• At the pass ten.
• At one and thirty.
• At post and pair, or e∣ven and sequence.
• At three hundred.
• At the unlucky man.
• At the last couple in Hell.
• At the hock.
• At the surlie.
• At the Lanskenet.
• At the cukoe.
• At puffe, or let him speak that hath it:
• At take nothing and throw out.
• At the marriage.
• At the frolic or Jack∣daw.
• ...

• At the opinion.
• At who doth the one, doth the other.
• At the sequences.
• At the Ivory bundles.
• At the tarots.
• At losing load him.
• At he's gulled and esto.
• At the torture.
• At the handruf.
• At the click.
• At honours.
• At Love.
• At the chesse.
• At Reynold the Fox.
• At the squares.
• At the cowes.
• At the Lottery.
• At the chance or mum-chance.
• At three dice or ma∣niest bleaks.
• At the Tables.
• At the Nivinivinack.
• At the lurch.
• At doublets or queens-game.
• At the failie.
• At the French Tictac.
• At the long Tables or Ferkeering.
• At feldown.
• At Tods body.
• At needs must.
• At the Dames or Draughts.
• At bob and mow.
• At primus secundus.
• At mark-knife.
• At the keyes.
• At span-counter.
• At even and odd.
• At cross or pile.
• At ball and huckle-bones.
• At Ivory balls.
• At the billiards.
• At bob and hit.
• At the Owle.
• At the charming of the hare.
• At pull yet a little.
• At trudgepig.
• At the Magatapies.
• At the horn.
• At the flower Oer Shrove-tide oxe.
• At the Madge-owlet.
• At pinch without Laughing.
• At prickle me tickle me.
• At the unshoing of

• the Ass.
• At the cocksess.
• At hari hohi.
• At I set me down.
• At earle beardie.
• At the old mode.
• At draw the spit.
• At put out.
• At gossip lend me your sack.
• At ramcod ball.
• At thrust out the har∣lot.
• At marfeil figs.
• At nicknamrie.
• At stick and hole.
• At boke or him, or flaying the Fox.
• At the branching it.
• At trill Madam or graple my Lady.
• At the Cat selling.
• At blow the Coal.
• At the rewedding.
• At the quick and dead judge.
• At unoven the iron.
• At the false clown.
• At the flints, or at the ninestones.
• At to the crutch hulch back.
• At the Sanct is found.
• At hinch, pinch and laugh not.
• At the leek.
• At Bumdockdousse.
• At the loosegig.
• At the hoop.
• At the sow.
• At belly to belly.
• At the dales or straths.
• At the twigs.
• At the quoits.
• At I'm for that.
• At tilt at weekie.
• At nine pins.
• At the cock quintin▪
• At tip and hurle.
• At the flat bowles.
• At the veere and tourn.
• At rogue and ruffian.
• At bumbatch touch.
• At the mysterious trough.
• At the short bowles.
• At the daple gray.
• At cock and crank it.
• At break-pot.
• At my desire.
• At twirlie whirlietrill.
• At the rush bundles.
• At the short staff.
• ...

• At the whirling gigge
• At hide and seek, or are you all hid.
• At the picket.
• At the blank.
• At the care sin.
• At the pilfrers.
• At prison barres.
• At have at the nuts.
• At cherrie-pit.
• At rub and rice.
• At whip top.
• At the casting top.
• At the hobgobling.
• At the O wonderful.
• At the soilile smutchie.
• At fast and loose.
• At sutchbreech.
• At the broom-beesom.
• At St. Cosme I come to adore thee.
• At the lustie brown boy.
• At I take you naping.
• At fair and softly pas∣seth lent.
• At the forked oak.
• At trusse.
• At the wolfes tail.
• At bum to busse, or nose in breech.
• At Geordie give me my lance.
• At swagaie, waggie or shoggieshou.
• At stook and rook, shear, and threave.
• At the birch.
• At the musse.
• At the dillie dilli darling.
• At oxe moudie.
• At purpose in purpose.
• At nine less.
• At blind-man buff.
• At the fallen bridges.
• At bridle nick.
• At the white at buts.
• At thwack swinge him.
• At apple, peare, plum.
• At mumgi.
• At the toad.
• At cricket.
• At the pounding stick.
• At jack and the box.
• At the queens.
• At the trades.
• At heads and points.
• At the vine-tree hug.
• At black be thy fall.
• At ho the distaff.
• At Joane Tomson.
• At the boulting cloth.
• At the oats seed.
• ...

• At greedi glutton.
• At the morish dance.
• At feebi.
• At the whole frisk and gambole.
• At battabum, or riding of the while mare.
• At Hinde the Plow∣man.
• At the good mawkin.
• At the dead beast.
• At climbe the ladder Billie.
• At the dying hog.
• At the salt doup.
• At the pretty pigeon.
• At barly break.
• At the bavine.
• At the bush leap.
• At crossing
• At the hardit arsepur∣sie.
• At the harrowers nest.
• At forward hey.
• At the fig.
• At gunshot crack.
• At musteard peel.
• At the gome.
• At the relapse.
• At jog breech, or pricle him forward.
• At knockpate.
• At the Cornish cough.
• At the crane dance.
• At slash and cut.
• At bobbing, or the flirt on the nose.
• At the larks.
• At fil iping.

After he had thus well play'd, shufl'd, cog'd and thrown away his Time, it was thought fit to drink a little and that was every Man eleven bumpers: And so make much of himself and stretch upon a fair bench, or a good larg bed, and there sleep for two or three hours together, without thinking or speaking any hurt: after he was awakened he would shake his Ears a little and then they brought him fresh wine, he drank bet∣ter then ever, Ponocrates shewed him, that

it was an ill diet to drink after sleeping· It is (answerd Gargantua,) the very life of the Patriarchs and holy Fathers. For naturally I sleep: Salt and sleep to me is so many Gamons.

Then began he to study a little and out came the Patenotres: Which the more for∣mally to dispatch, he got upon an old Mule, which had served nine Kings; and so mum∣bling with his Mouth, nodding and dodling his Head, would go see a coney ferretted or caught in a grinne. At his return he went in∣to the Kitchin, to know what rost meat was one the spit: and supped very well upon my conscience; and commonly did invite some of his neighbours that were good drinkers, with whom carousing merrily, they told stories of all sorts, from the old to the new. Amongst others, he had for domestics the Lord of Fouille, of Grouville, of Griviot and of Marigny. After supper were brought into the room the fair wooden Gos••els, and the books of the four Kings, that is to say, the Tables and Cards, with a deal of Cock-alls, Mumblety-Pegs and Wheels of Fortune; or else they went to see the wenches thereabouts with their Wakes, their Junckettings and lit••le Collations, then to sleep without controul till eight a clock the next Morning.

CHAP. XXIII. How Gargantua was instructed by Pon∣nocrates and in such sort disciplina∣ted that he lost not one hour of the Day.

WHen Ponocrates knew Gargantua's vici∣ous manner of living, he resolved to bring him up in another-gats way; but for a while bore with him, considering, That nature cannot endure a sudden change, without great vio∣lence. Therefore to begin his work the bet∣ter, he requested a learned Physitian of that time, called Master Theodorus, seriously to per∣pend (if it were possible) how to bring Gar∣gantua unto a better course; the said Physi∣cian purged him canonically with Anticyrian Hellebore, by which Medicine he cleansed all that Foulness and perverse Habit of his Brain. By this means also Ponocrates made him forget all that he had learned under his ancient Prae∣ceptors, as Timotheus, did to his Scholars, who had been instructed under other Musicians: To do this the better, they brought him in∣to the company of learned Men, which stirr'd in him an Emulation and Desire to whet his wit and improve his parts and to bend his study another way; so as that the World might have a value from him. And after∣wards he put himself into such a road that he

lost not any one hour in the day, but em∣ployed all his time in Learning and honest Knowledg. Gargantua awaked about four a clock in the Morning; whilst they were in rubbing of him, there was read unto him some Chapter of the holy Scripture aloud and clearly with a Pronunciation fit for the matter, and hereunto was appointed a young Page born in Basche, named Anagnostes, according to the purpose and argument of that Lesson, he of∣ten times gave himself to worship, adore, pray and send up his Supplications to that good God, whose Word did show his Majesty and marvellous Judgment. Then went he unto the secret places to make excretion of his natu∣ral digestions; there his Master repeated what had been read, expounding unto him the most obscure and difficult points: In returning, they considered the face of the sky, if it was such as they had observed it the night before, and in∣to what Signs the Sun was entering, as also the Moon for that day. This done, he was ap∣parelled, combed, curled, trimmed and per∣fumed, during which time they repeated to him the Lessons of the day before; he himself said them by heart, and upon them would ground some practical Cases concerning the Estate of Man, which he would prosecute sometimes two or three hours, but ordinarily they ceased as soon as he was fully clothed. Then for three good hours he had a Lecture read unto him: This done, they went forth

still conferring of the substance of the Lecture either unto a Field near the university call'd the Brack, or unto the meadows where they play'd at the ball, tennis and at the Pelitrigone, most gallantly exercising their Bodies, as former∣ly they had done their minds: All their play was but in liberty, for they left off when they pleas'd and that was commonly when they did sweat over all their Body, or were otherways weary. Then were they very well wip'd and rubbed, shifted their shirts and walking soberly, went to see if dinner were ready: Whilst they stayed for that, they did clearly and eloquetnly pronounce some sentences that they have retain'd of the Lecture, in the mean time Master Appetite, came, and then very orderly sat they down at Table. At the beginning of the meal, there was read some pleasant History of the warlike actions of former times, until he had taken a glass of Wine. Then (if they thought good,) they continu'd reading, or began to discourse merrily together; speaking first of the vertue, propriety, efficacy and nature of all that was serv'd in at the table: of Bread, of Wine, of Water, of Salt, of Fleshes, Fishes, Fruits, Herbs, Roots, and of their dres∣sing; by means whereof, he learned in a little time all the passages competent for this that were to be found in Plinie, Athe∣naeus, Dioscorides, Iulius Pollux, Galen, Por∣phirie, Oppian, Polybius, Heliodore, Aristotle,

Elian and others. Whilst they talked of these things, many times to be more cer∣tain, they caused the very books to be brought to the Table and so well and perfectly did he in his memory retain the things above∣said, that in those Days there was not a Phy∣sician, that knew half so much as he did. Afterwards they conferr'd of the lessons read, in the Morning, and ending their repast with some conserve or marmelade of quinces: he pick't his teeth with mastic tooth-pickers; wash't his hands and eyes with fair fresh water, and gave thanks unto God in some neat Hymn, made in the praise of the divine bounty and munificence. This done, they brought in cards, not to play, but to learn a thousand pretty tricks, and new inventions, which were all grounded upon Arithmetic. By this means he fell in love with that nu∣merical science and every day after dinner and supper he past his time in it as pleasant∣ly, as he was wont to do at cards and dice: So that at last he understood so well both the Theory and Practical part thereof; that Tun∣stal the Englishman, who had written very largely of that purpose, confessed that verily in comparison of him he understood no more high Dutch.

And not only in that, but in the other Mathematical Seiences, as Geometrie, Astronomie, Music, &c. For in waiting on the concoc∣tion, and attending the digestion of his food,

they made a thousand pretty instruments and Geometrical figures, and did in some measure practise the Astronomical Canons.

After this, they recreated themselves with singing musically, in four or five parts, or upon a set theme or ground at random, as it best pleased them; in matter of musical in∣struments, he learned to play upon the Lute, the Virginals, the Harp, the Allman Flute with nine holes, the Viol and the Sackbut. This hour thus spent, and digestion finish∣ed, he did purg his body of natural excre∣ments, then betook himself to his principal study for three hours together, or more, as well to repeat his morning Lectures, as to proceed in the book he had in Hand, as also to write handsomly, to draw and form the Antic and Roman Letters. This being done, they went abroad, and with them a young Gen∣tleman of Tourain, named the Esquire Gym∣nast, who taught him the Art of riding, chan∣ging then his clothes, he rode a Naples courser, a Dutch roussin, a Spanish gennet, a barded or trapped steed, then a light fleet Horse, unto whom he gave a hundred carieres, made him go the high faults, bounding in the air, free the ditch with a skip, leap over a stile or pale, turn short in a ring both to the right and left hand. There he broke not his lance; for it is the greatest foolery in the world, to say I have broken ten lances at tile, or in fight, a Carpenter can do even as much; but it is a glorious and

praise-worthy Action, with one lance to break and overthrow ten Enemies: Therefore with a sharp, stiff, strong and well steeled lance, would he usually force up a door, pierce a harness, beat down a tree, carry away the ring, lift up a cui∣rasier saddle, with the male coat and gantlet; all this he did in compleat arms from head to foot. As for the prancing flourishes, and smack∣ing popisms, for the better cherishing of the horse, commonly used in riding, none did them better then he. The great Vaulter of Ferrara was but as an Ape compared to him. He was singularly skilful in leaping nimbly from one horse to another, without putting foot to ground, and these horses were called desultori••s; he could likewise from either side, with a lance in his hand, leap on horseback without stirrups, and rule the horse at his pleasure without a Bridle, for such things are useful in military Engagements. Another day he exercised the battel-ax, which he so dextrously wielded, both in the nimble, strong and smooth Ma∣nagement of that weapon, and that in all the Feats practiseable by it, that he past Knight of Arms in the field, and at all Essays.

Then tost he the pike, played with the two handed Sword, with the Backsword, with the Spanish tuck, the dagger, poiniard, armed, un∣armed, with a buckler, with a cloak, with a targuet.

Then would he hunt the Hart, the Roe-buck, the Bear, the fallow Deer, the wilde Boar,

the Hare, the Phesant, the Partridg and the Bustard. He played at the Baloon and made it bound in the air, both with fist and foot.

He wrestled, ran, jumped, not at three steps and a leap, nor at the Hears leap, nor yet at the Almenes; for (said Gymnast,) these jumps are for the wars altogether unprofi∣table, and of no use; but at one leap he would skip over a Ditch, spring over a Hedge, mount six paces upon a Wall, ramp and grapple after this fashon up against a window, of the full height of a lance. He did swim in deep Waters on his belly, on his back, sidewise, with all his body, with his feet only, with one Hand in the Air, wherein he held a book, crossing thus the breadth of the River of Seina, without wetting it and dragged along his cloak with his Teeth, as did Iulius Caesar; then with the help of one Hand, he entred forcibly into a boat, from whence he cast himself again headlong into the Water, sound∣ed the depths, hollowed the rocks, and plun∣ged into the pits and gulphs. Then turned he the boat about, governed it, led it swiftly or slowly with the stream, and against the stream, stopped it in its course, guided it with one Hand, and with the other laid hard about him with a huge great Oar, hoised the sail, hied up along the mast by the shrouds, ran upon the edge of the decks, set the com∣pass in order, tackled the boulins, and steerr'd the helm. Coming out of the Wa∣ter,

he ran furiously up against a Hill, and with the same alacrity and swiftness ran down again; he climed up at trees like a cat, and leaped from the one to the other like a squirrel; he did pull down the great boughs and branches like another Milo; then with two sharp well-steeled Daggers, and two tried Bodkins, would he run up by the wall to the very top of a House like a cat; then suddenly came down from the top to the bottom, with such an even composition of members, that by the fall he would catch no harm.

He did cast the dart, through the barr, put the stone, practise the javelin, the boar-spear or partisan and the halbard; he broke the strongest bows in drawing, bended against his breast, the greatest cross-bows of steele, took his aim by the eye with the hand-gun, and shot well, traversed and planted the Ca∣non, shot at but-marks, at the papgay from below upwards, from above downwards, then before him, sideways and behind him, like the Parthians.

They tyed a cable-rope to the top of a high Tower, by one end whereof hanging near the ground, he wrought himself with his hands to the very top: Then upon the same tract came down so sturdily and firm that you could not on a plain meadow have run with more assurance. They set up a great pole fixed upon two trees, there would

he hang by his Hands, and with them alone, his Feet touching at nothing, would go back and fore along the foresaid rope with so great swiftness, that hardly could one overtake him with running and then to exercise his breast and lungs, he would shout like all the Devils in hell: I heard him once call Eudemon, from St. Victors, gate to Monmertre: Stentor had never such a Voice at the siege of Troy.

Then for the strengthening of his nerves or sinewes, they made him two great sows of lead, each of them weighing eight thousand and seven hundred kint••ls, which they call'd Alteres; those he took up from the ground in each Hand one, then lifted them up over his head, and held them so without stirring three quarters of an Hour and more, which was an inimitable force.

He fought at Barriers with the stoutest and most vigorous Champions: And when it came to the cope he stood so sturdily on his Feet, that he abandoned himself unto the strongest, in case they could remove him from his place, as Milo, was wont to do of old. In whose imitation likewise he held a Pomgranat in his hand, to give it unto him that could take it from him. The time being thus bestowed, and himself rubbed, cleansed, wiped and refresht with other clothes, he returned fair and softly and passing through certain Meadows, or other grassy places,

beheld the trees and plants, comparing them with what is written of them in the books of the Ancients, such as Theophrast, Dioscorides, Marinus, Plinie, Nicander, Macer and Galen, and carried home to the house great handfuls of them, whereof a young Page called Rizo∣tomos had charge; together with little Mat∣tocks, Pickaxes, Grubbing hooks, Cabbies, Pruning knives, and other Instruments requisit for gardning. Being come to their lodging, whilst supper was making ready, they repea∣ted certain passages of that which had been read, and set down at table. Here remark that his dinner was sober and thrifty, for he did then eat only to prevent the gnawings of his stomack, but his supper was copious and large; for he took then as much as was fit to maintain and nourish him; which indeed is the true diet prescribed by the Art of good and sound Physic. Although a rabble of loggerheaded Physicians, nuzzeled in the brabling shop of Sophisters, counsel the contrary. During that repast was continued the lesson read at dinner as long as they thought good; the rest was spent in good discourse, learned and profitable: After that they had given thanks he set himself to sing vocally, and play upon harmonious instruments, or otherways passed his time at some pretty sports, made with cards or dice; or in practising the feats of Le∣gerdemain, with cups and balls. There they stayed some nights in frolicking thus

and making themselves merriy till it was time to go to bed and on other nights they would go make visits unto learned men, or to such as had been travellers in strange and remote Countreys. When it was full night before they retired themselves, they went unto the most open place of the House to see the face of the sky, and there beheld the Comets, if any were, as likewise the Figures, Situations, As∣pects, Oppositions, and Conjunctions of the both fixed Stars and Planets.

Then with his Master did he briefly re∣capitulate after the manner of the Pythagore∣ans, that which he had read, seen, learned, done and understood in the whole course of that day.

Then prayed they unto God the Creator, in falling down before him and strengthening their faith towards him, and glorifying him for his boundless bounty and giving thanks unto him for the time that was past, they re∣commended themselves to his divine Clemency for the future, which being done, they went to bed, and betook themselves to their repose.

CHAP. XXIV. How Gargantua spent his time in rainy Weather.

IF it happened that the Weather were any Thing cloudy, foul and rainy, all the Forenoon was employed, as before specified, according to Custom, with this difference only, that they had a good clear fire lighted, to correct the Distempers of the Air: But after dinner, in stead of their wonted Exer∣citations they did abide within, and by way of Apotherapié, did recreate themselves in bot∣tleing up of Hay, in cleaving and sawing of Wood, and in threshing sheaves of Corn at the Barn. Then they studied the Art of Painting or Carving, or brought into use the antic play of Tables, as Leonicus hath writ∣ten of it; and as our good Friend Lascaris playeth at it. In playing they examined the passages of ancient Authors, wherein the said Play is mentioned, or any metaphor drawn from it. They went likewise to see the draw∣ing of Metals, or the casting of great Ord∣nance; how the Lapidaries did work, as also the Goldsmiths and Cutters of precious Stones: Nor did they omit to visit the Alchymists, Money-coiners, Upholsters, Weavers, Vel∣vet-workers, Watchmakers, Looking-glass-framers,

Printers, Organists, and other such kind of Artificers, and every where giving them somewhat to drink, did learn and con∣sider the Industry and Invention of the Trades.

They went also to hear the public Le∣ctures, the solemn Commencements, the Repeti∣••ions, the Acclamations, the Pleadings of the gentle Lawyers, and Sermons of Evangelical Preachers.

He went through the Halls and Places ap∣pointed for fencing, and there played against the Masters themselves at all Weapons, and shewed them by Experience, that he knew as much in it as (yea more then) they. And instead of Simpling, they visited the Shops of Druggists, Herbalists and Apo∣thecaries, and diligently consider'd the Fruits, Roots, Leaves, Gums, Seeds, the Grease and Ointments of some foreign Parts, as also how they did adulterate them. He went to see the Juglers, Tumblers, Mountebanks and Quacksalvers; and consider'd their cunning, their shifts, their summer saults and smooth tongue, especially of those of Chauny in Picar∣dy, who are naturally great Praters, and will Banter and Lye as fast as a Dog can trot.

Being return'd home, they did eat at Sup∣per more soberly than at other times; and meats more desic••ative and extenuating; to the end that the intemperate moisture of the Air, communicated to the Bodyly a necessary confinity,

might by this means be corrected; and that they might not receive any prejudice for want of their ordinary bodily Exercise.

Thus was Gargantua governed, and kept on in this course of Education, from day to day profiting, as you understand such a young Man of his Age and good Sence, so kept to his Exercise, may well do. Which although at the beginning it seemed difficult, became a little after so sweet, so easie, and so delight∣ful, that it seem'd rather the Recreation of a King, then the study of a Scholar, Never∣theless Ponocrates, to divert him from this ve∣hement intension of the Spirits, thought fit once in a Month, upon some fair and clear day to go out of the City betimes in the Morning, either towards Gentilly, or Boulogne, or to Montrouge, or Charenton bridge, or to Vanures, or St. Clou, and there spend all the day long in making the greatest chear that could be devised, sporting, making merry, drinking healths, playing, singing, dancing, tumbling in some fair Meadow, unnestling of Sparrows, taking of Quails, and fishing for Frogs and Crabs.

But although that day was past without Books or Lecture, yet was it not spent with∣out profit; for in the said Meadows they usually repeated certain pleasant Verses of Virgi••'s Agriculture, of Hesiod and of Politian's Husbandry, would set a broach some witty Latin Epigrams, then immediately turned

them into Roundlays and Songs in the French Language. In their Feasting, they would sometimes separate the Water from the Wine that was therewith mixed, as Cato teacheth de re rustica, and Pliny with an Ivy Cup, would wash the Wine in a Basin full of Wa∣ter, then take it out again with a Funnel as pure as ever. They made the Water go from one Glass to another, and contrived a thousand little automatary Engines, that is to say, moving of themselves.

CHAP. XXV. How there was great Strife and De∣bate raised betwixt the Cake-bakers of Lerne, and those of Gargantua's Country; whereupon were waged great Wars.

AT that time, which was the Season of Vintage, in the beginning of Harvest, when the Country-Shepherds were set to keep the Vines, and hinder the Starlings from eating up the Grapes: As some Cake-bakers of Lerne happened▪ to pass along in the broad high way, driving unto the City Ten or Twelve Horses loaded with Cakes, the said Shepherds courteously intreated them

to give them some for their Money, as the price then ruled in the Market. For here it is to be remarked, That it is a Celestial Food to eat for Breakfast hot fresh Cakes with Grapes, especially the frail Clusters, the great red Grapes, Muscadine, the Verjuice Grape, and the Luskard, for those that are costive in their Belly; because it will make them gush out, and squirt the length of a Hunter's staff, like the very tap of a Barrel; and often-times thinking to let a squib, they did all-to-besquatter and conskite themselves, whereupon they are commonly called the Vintage-thinkers.

The Cake-bakers were in nothing inclina∣ble to their Request; but (which was worse) did injure them most outragiously, calling them pratling Gablers, lickorous Gluttons, freck∣led Bittors, mangy Rascals, shite-abed Scoun∣drels, drunken Roysters, sly Knaves, drowsie Loi∣terers, slapsauce Fellows, slabberdegullion Drug∣gels, lubbardly Louts, cousining Foxes, ruffian Rogues, paultry Customers, sycophant Varlets, drawlatch Hoydons, flouting Milk sops, jeering Companions, staring Clowns, forlorn Snakes, ninny Lobcocks, scurvy Sneaksbies, fondling Fops, base Loons, saucy Coxcombs, idle Lusks, scof∣fing Braggards, noddy Meacocks, blockish Grut∣nols, Doddipol Iolt heads, jobernol Goosecaps, foolish Loggerheads, slutch Calf lollies, grout-head Gnatsnapper, Lob dotterels, gaping Change∣lings, codshead Loobies, woodcock Slangams,

ninny-hammer Flycatchers, noddipeak Simpletons, turgy Gut, shitten Shepherds, and other such defamatory Epithetes, saying further, that it was not for them to eat of these dainty Cakes, but might very well content them∣selves with the course unraunged Bread, or to eat of the great brown Houshold Loaf. To which provoking words, one a∣mongst them, called Forgier (an honest Fellow of his person, and a notable Springal) made answer very calmly thus; How long is it since you have got Horns, that you are become so proud? Indeed formerly you were wont to give us some freely, and will you not now let us have some for our Money? This is not the part of good Neighbours, neither do we serve you thus when you come hither to buy our good Corn, whereof you make your Cakes and Buns: Besides that, we would have given you to the bargain some of our Grapes, but by his Zounds, you may chance to repent it, and possibly have need of us at another time, when we shall use you after the like manner, and there∣fore remember it.

Then Marquet, a prime Man in the Con∣fraternity of the Cake-bakers, said unto him, Yea, Sir, thou art pretty well crest••risen this Morning, thou didst eat yesternight too much millet and bolymoug, come hither Sirrah, come hither, I will give thee some Cakes: Whereupon Forgier dreading no

harm, in all simplicity went towards him, and drew a Six Pence out of his Leather Sachel, thinking that Marquet would have sold him some of his Cakes; but instead of Cakes, he gave him with his Whip such a rude lash overthwart the Legs, that the marks remain'd; then would have fled away, but Forgier cried out as loud as he could, O Mur∣ther, Murther, help, help, help, and in the mean time threw a great Cudgel after him, which he carried under his arm, where∣with he hit him in the Coronal Joint of his head, upon the Crotaphic Artery of the right side thereof, so forcibly, that Marquet fell down from his Mare, more like a dead then living Man.

Mean while the Farmers and Country Swains that were watching their Walnuts near to that place, came running with their great Poles and long Staves, and laid such load on these Cake-bakers, as if they had been to thresh upon green Rye. The other Shepherds and Shepherddesses hearing the lamentable shout of Forgier, came with their slings and slackies following them, and throw∣ing great stones at them, as thick as Hail. At last these overtook them, and took from them about four or five dozen of their Cakes: Nevertheless they payed for them the ordinary price, and gave them over and above one hundred Eggs, and three Baskets

full of Mulberries. Then did the Cake-bakers help to get Marquet mounted upon his Mare again, who was most shrewdly wound∣ed; and forthwith they returned to Lerne, changing the resolution they had to go to Pareille, threatning very sharp and boistrously the Cowherds, Shepherds and Farmers of Sevile and Sinays, This done, the Shepherds and Shepherddesses made merry with these Cakes and fine Grapes, and sported them∣selves together at the sound of the pretty small Pipe, scoffing and laughing at those vain-glorious Cake-bakers, who had that day met with a Mischief for want of crossing themselves with a good hand in the Morning. Nor did they forget to apply to Forgier's Leg some fair great red and medicinal Grapes, and so handsomly drest it and bound it up, that he was quickly cured.

CHAP. XXVI. How the Inhabitants of Lerne, by the commandment of Picrochole their King, assaulted the Shepherds of Gargantua, unexpectedly and on a sudden.

THE Cake-bakers being returned to Lerne, went presently, before they did either eat or drink, to the Capitol, and there before their King called Pichrochole, the third of that name, made their complaint, shewing their Paniers broken, their Caps all crumpled, their Coats torn, their Cakes taken away, but above all, Marquet most enormously wounded, saying, that all that mischief was done by the Shepherds and Herdsmen of Grangousier, near the broad high way beyond Sevile.

Picrochole incontinent grew angry and fu∣rious; and, without asking any further, what, how, why or wherefore? commanded the Ban and Arrier Ban to be sounded through∣out all his Country, that all his Vassals of what condition soever, should upon pain of the halter come in the best arms they could, unto the great place before the Castle, at the hour of Noon, and the better to expedite his design, he caused the Drum to be beat about the Town. Whilst his dinner was

making ready, he went himself to see his Ar∣tillery mounted upon the Carriage, to display his Colours, and set up the great royal Stan∣dard, and loaded Wains with store of Ammu∣nition both for the Field and for the Belly, Arms and Victuals. At dinner he dispatch'd his Commissions, and by his express Edict my Lord Shagrag was appointed to command the Vanguard, wherein were numbred Sixteen thousand and fourteen Harquebusiers, toge∣ther with Thirty thousand eleven Volunteers. The great Tonquedillion, Master of the Horse, had the charge of the Ordnance, wherein were reckon'd Nine hundred and fourteen of Brass, in Cannons, Double-cannons, Basilisks, Serpentines, Culverins, Bombards, Falcons, Passe∣volans, Spiroles, and other sort of great Guns. The Reerguard was committed to the Duke of Scrapegood: In the main Battle was the King, and the Princes of his Kingdom. Thus being hastily equipp'd, before they would set forward, they sent Three hundred light Horsemen under the Conduct of Captain Swill∣wind, to discover the Country, clear the Avenues, and see whether there was any am∣bush laid for them. But after they had made diligent search, they found all the Land round about in Peace and Quiet, without any meet∣ing or convention at all; which Picrochole un∣derstanding, commanded that every one should march speedily under his Colours. Then in all disorder, without keeping either

rank or file, they took the Fields, one a∣mongst another, wasting, spoiling, destroy∣ing and making havock of all where ever they went, not sparing poor nor rich, privileged nor unprivileged Places, Church or Laity, drove away Oxen and Cows, Bulls, Calves, Heifers, Wethers, Ewes, Lambs, Goats, Kids, Hens, Capons, Chickens, Geese, Gan∣ders, Goslings, Hogs, Swine, Pigs and such like. Beating down the Walnuts, plucking the Grapes, tearing the Hedges, shaking the Fruit-trees, and committing such incompara∣ble abuses, that the like abomination was never heard of. Nevertheless, they met with none to resist them; for every one submitted to their mercy; beseeching them, that they might be dealt with courteously; in regard that they had always carried themselves, as became good and loving Neighbours; and that they had never been guilty of any wrong or outrage done upon them, to be thus sud∣denly surprized, troubled and disquieted, and that if they would not desist, God would pu∣nish them very shortly. To which Expostu∣lations Remonstrances no other answer was made, but that they would teach them to eat Cakes.

CHAP. XXVII. How a Monk of Sevile saved the Closs of the Abbey from being Ravag'd by the Enemy.

SO much they did, and so far they went pillaging and stealing, that at last they came to Sevile where they robbing both Men and Women, and took all they could catch: Nothing was either too hot or too heavy for them. Although the Plague was there in the most part of all the Houses, they neverthe∣less entred every where; then plundered and carried away all that was within; and yet for all this not one of them took any hurt, which is a most wonderful case. For the Curates, Vicars, Preachers, Physicians, Chirurgions and Apothecaries, who went to visit, to dress, to cure, to heal, to preach unto, and admonish those that were sick were all dead of the Infection; and these devillish Robbers and Murtherers caught never any harm at all. Whence comes this to pass (my Masters) I beseech you think up∣on it?

The Town being thus pillaged, they went unto the Abbey with a horrible noise and tumult, but they found it shut and made fast against them. Whereupon the Body of the

Army marched forward towards a Ford call∣ed the Sue de vede, except seven Companies of Foot, and Two hundred Lanciers, who staying there, broke down the Walls of the Closs, to waste, spoil and make havock of all the Vines and Vintage within that place. The Monks (poor Devils) knew not in that extremity to which of all their Sancts they should vow themselves; nevertheless, at all adventures they rang the Bells ad capi∣tulum capitulantes. There it was decreed, that they should make a fair Procession, stuffed with good Lectures, Prayers and Li∣tanies, contra hostium insidias, and jolly Re∣sponses pro pace.

There was then in the Abbey a claustral Monk, called Freer Iohn de Entoumeures, young, gallant, frisk, lusty, nimble, quick, active, bold, adventurous, resolute, tall, lean, wide-mouthed, long nosed, a rare mumbler of Mattins, unbridler of Masses, and runner over of Vigils: And to conclude summarily in a word, a right Monk, if ever there were any, since the Monking World monked a Monkery. For the rest a Clerk, even to the Teeth, in matter of Breviary. This Monk hearing the noise that the Enemy made within the inclosure of the Vineyard, went out to see what they were doing; and perceiving that they were cutting and gathering the Grapes, whereon was grounded the foundation of all their next Years Wine, returned unto the Quire

of the Church where the other Monks were, all amazed and astonished like so many Bell-melters, whom when he heard sing, im, nim, pe, ne, ne, ne, ne, nede, tum, ne, num, num, ini, i, mi, co, o, no, o, o, neno, ne, no, no, no, rum, nenum, num. This is (said he) Bien chié chanté, Well shit, well sung, by the Vertue of God, why do not you sing Paniers farewel, Vintage is done; the Devil snatch me if they be not already within the middle of our Closs, and cut so well both Vines and Grapes, that, by cods body, there will not be found for these four Years to come so much as a gleaning in it. By the Belly of Sanct Iames, what shall we (poor Devils) drink the while? Lord God! da mihi potum. Then said the Prior of the Convent, What should this drunken Fellow do here, let him be carri∣ed to Prison for troubling the Divine Service: Nay, said the Monk, the Wine Service, let us behave our selves so, that it be not trou∣bled; for you your self, my Lord Prior, love to drink of the best, and so doth every honest Man. Never yet did a Man of worth dislike good Wine, it is a monastical Apophthegm. But these Responses that you chant here by G— are not in Season. Wherefore is it that our Devotions were instituted to be short in the time of Harvest and Vintage, and long in the Advent and all the Winter.

The late Friar, Messepelosse of good me∣mory, a true zealous Man (or the Devil take me) of our Religion, told me, and I remember it well, how the reason was, That in this Season we might press and make the Wine, and in Winter whiff it up. Hark you, my Masters, you that love the Wine, Cops Body, follow me, for Sanct Anthony burn me as freely as a Fagot, if they taste one drop of the Liquor, that will not now come and fight in defence of the Vine. Hogs Belly, the Goods of the Church! Ha, no, no: What the Devil would have Sanct Thomas of England died for them; if I die, shall not I be a Sanct likewise? Yet will not I die for all this, but send others a-packing.

As he spake this, he threw off his great Monks habit, and laid hold upon the staff of the Cross, which was made of the Heart of a Sorbaple-tree, it being of the length of a Lance, round, of a full gripe, and a little powder'd with Flower de luce, almost all de∣fac'd and worn out. Thus went he out in a fair long-skirted Jacket, putting his Frock scarfways athwart his Breast, and with his staff of the Cross, laid on so lustily, upon his Enemies, who without any Order, or En∣sign, or Trumpet, or Drum, were busied in gathering the Grapes of the Vineyard; for the Cornets, Guidons and Ensign-bearers, had laid down their Standards, Banners and Colours by the Wall-sides: The Drummers

had knock'd out the Heads of their Drums on one end, to fill them with Grapes: The Trumpeters were loaded with great Bundles of Bunches, and huge knots of Clusters: In summ, every one of them was out of array, and all in disorder. He hurried therefore upon them so rudely, without crying gare or beware, that he overthrew them like Hogs, tumbled them over like Swine, striking athwart and alongst, and by one means or other, laid so about him, after the old fashi∣on of Fencing, that to some he beat out their Brains, to others he crushed their Arms, batter'd their Legs, and bethwack'd their sides till their Ribs crack'd with it; to others again he unjointed the Spondyles of the Neck, disfigured their Chaps, gash'd their Faces, made their Cheeks hang flapping over their Chin, and so swing'd and belammed them, that they fell down before him like Hay be∣fore a Mower: To some others he spoiled the frame of their Kidneys, marr'd their Backs, broke their Thigh bones, pash'd in their Noses, poach'd out their Eyes, cleft their Mandibules, tore their Jaws, dung in their Teeth into their Throat, shook a∣sunder their Omoplates or Shoulder-blade▪ spha∣celated their Shins, mortified their Shanks, in∣flamed their Ankles, heaved off of the Hinges, their Ishies, their Sciatica or Hip-gout, dislo∣cated the Joints of their Knees, squatter'd into pieces the boughts or pestles of their

Thighs, and so thump'd, mawl'd and be la∣bour'd them every where, that never was corn so thick and threefold thresh'd upon by Plowmens Flails, as were the pitifully dis∣jointed Members of their mangled Bodies, under the merciless baton of the cross.

If any offer'd to hide himself amongst the thickest of the Vines, he laid him squat as a Flounder, bruised the Ridge of his Back, and dash'd his Reins like a Dog. If any thought by flight to escape, he made his Head to fly in pieces by the Lambdoidal commissure. If any one did scramble up into a Tree, think∣ing there to be safe, he rent up his Perinee, and impaled him in at the Fundament. If any one of his old acquaintance happened to cry out, Ha, Friar Iohn my Friend, Friar Iohn, quarter, quarter, I yield my self to you; to you I render my self: So thou shalt (said he) per force, and thy Soul to all the Devils in Hell, then suddenly gave them Dronos. If any was so rash and full of te∣merity as to resist him to his Face, then was it he did shew the strength of his Mu∣scles; for without more ado he did tran∣spierce him, by running him in at the Breast, through the mediastine and the Heart. Others again he so quash'd and be bump'd, that with a sound bounce under the hollow of their short Ribs, he overturn'd their Sto∣machs, so that they died immediately. To some with a smart souse on the Epigaster, he

would make their Midrif swag, then redou∣bling the blow, gave them such a home push on the Navel, that he made their Pud∣dings to gush out. To others through their Ballocks he pierced their Bum-gut, and left not Bowel, Tripe nor Intral in their Body, that had not felt the impetuosity, fierceness and fury of his Violence. Believe that it was the most horrible Spectacle that ever one saw: Some cried unto Sanct Barbe, others to St. George; O the holy Lady Nytouch, said one, the good Sanctess; O our Lady of Succors, said another, help, help: Others cried, Our Lady of Cunaut, of Loretta, of good Tidings, on the other side of the Water St. Mary over: some vowed a Pilgrimage to St. Iames, and others to the holy Handkerchief at Chamberry, which three Month; after that burnt so well in the fire, that they could not get one thread of it saved: Others sent up their Vows to St. Cadouin, others to St. Iohn d' Angelie, and to St. Eutropius of Xantes: O∣thers again invoked St. Mesmes of Chinon, St. Martin of Candes, St. Clouod of Sinays, the holy Relics of Laurezay, with a Thousand other jolly little Sancts and Santrels. Some died without speaking, others spoke without dy∣ing; some died in speaking, others spoke in dying. Others shouted aloud, Confession, Confession, Confiteor, miserere, in manus. So great was the cry of the wounded, that the Prior of the Abbey with all his Monks came

forth; who when they saw these poor Wretches so slain amongst the Vines, and wounded to death, confessed some of them. But whilst the Priests were busied in confes∣sing them, the little Monkeys ran all to the place where Friar Iohn was, and asked him, wherein he would be pleased to require their assistance?

To which he answer'd, that they should cut the Throats of those he had thrown down upon the ground. They presently leaving their outer Habits and Cowls upon the Rails, began to throttle and make an end of those whom he had already crushed. Can you tell with what Instruments they did it? with fair Gulli••s, which are little ••u••ch-back'd Demi-knives, wherewith the little Boys in our Country cut ripe Walnuts in two.

In the mean time Friar Iohn with his for∣midable baton of the Cross, got to the breach which the Enemies had made, and there stood to snatch up those that endeavoured to escape. Some of the Monkitos carried the Standards, Banners, Ensigns, Guidons and Colours into their Cells and Chambers, to make Garters of them. But when those that had been shriven, would have gone out at the gap of the said Breach, the sturdy Monk quash'd and fell'd them down with blows, saying, These Men have had Confes∣sion and are peni••ent Souls, they have got

their Absolution, and gained the Pardons: They go into Paradise as streight as a sickle, or as the way is to Fare (like Crooked-Lane at Eastcheap.)

Thus by his Prowess and Valour were discomfited all those of the Army that en∣tred into the Closs of the Abbey, unto the number of Thirteen thousand six hundred twenty and two, besides the Women and little Children, which is always to be under∣stood. Never did Maugis the Hermite bear himself more valiantly with his Pilgrims staff against the Saracens, of whom is written in the Acts of the four Sons of Haymon, then did this Monk against his Enemies with the staff of the Cross.

CHAP. XXVIII. How Picrochole stormed and took by assault the Rock Clermond, and of Grangousier's unwillingness and a∣version from the Undertaking of War.

WHilst the Monk did thus skirmish, as we have said, against those which were entred within the Closs; Picrochole in great haste passed the Ford Vede, with all his

Souldiery, and set upon the Rock Clermond, where there was made him no resistance at all: And because it was already Night, he resol∣ved to quarter himself and his Army in that Town, and to refresh himself of his pugna∣tive Choler. In the Morning he stormed and took the Bulwarks and Castle, which after∣wards he fortified with Rampiers, and fur∣nish'd with all Ammunition requisite, inten∣ding to make his retreat there, if he should happen to be otherwise worsted; for it was a strong place, both by Art and Nature, in regard of the stance and scituation of it. But let us leave them there, and to return to our good Gargantua, who is at Paris very assiduous and earnest at the study of good Letters, and athletical Exercitations, and to the good old Man Grangousier his Father, who after Supper warmeth his Ballocks by a good, clear, great fire, and whilst his Chesnut a are a-rosting, is very serious in drawing scratches on the Hearth, with a stick burnt at the one end, wherewith they did stir up the fire, telling to his Wife and the rest of the Family pleasant old Stories and Tales of of former times.

Whilst he was thus employ'd, one of the Shepherds which did keep the Vines (named Pillot) came towards him, and to the full related the enormous abuses which were com∣mitted, and the excessive spoil that was made by Picrochole King of Lerne, upon his Lands

and Territories, and how he had pillaged, wa∣sted and ravaged all the Country, except the inclosure at Sevile, which Friar Iohn des En∣toumeures to his great honour had preserved: And that at the same present time the said King was in the Rock Clermond: And there with great Industry and Circumspection, was strengthening himself and his whole Army. Halas, halas, alas (said Grangousier) what is this good People? Do I dream, or is it true that they tell me? Picrochole my ancient Friend of old time, of my own Kindred and Alliance, comes he to invade me? What moves him? What provokes him? What sets him on? What drives him to it? Who hath given him this Counsel? Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, my God, my Saviour, help me, inspire me, and advise me what I shall do. I protest, I swear before thee, so be thou favourable to me, if ever I did him or his Subjects any damage or displeasure, or committed any the least Robbery in his Country; but on the contrary I have succoured and supplied him with Men, Money, Friendship and Counsel upon any occasion, wherein I could be stead∣able for his good; that he hath therefore at this nick of time so outraged and wronged me, it cannot be but by the malevolent and wicked Spirit. Good God, thou knowest my Courage, for nothing can be hidden from thee; if perhaps he be grown mad, and that thou hast sent him hither to me for the better

recovery and re-establishment of his brain: Grant me power and wisdom to bring him to the yoke of thy holy will by good disci∣pline. Ho, ho, ho, ho, my good People, my Friends and my faithful Servants, must I hin∣der you from helping me? Alas, my old age required henceforward nothing else but rest, and all the days of my Life I have laboured for nothing so much as Peace: But now I must (I see it well) load with Arms my poor, weary and feeble shoulders; and take in my trembling hand the Lance and Horseman's Mace, to succour and protect my honest Subjects: Reason will have it so; for by their labour am I maintain'd, and with their sweat am I nourish'd, I, my Children and my Family. This notwithstanding, I will not undertake War, until I have first tried all the ways and means of Peace; that I re∣solve upon.

Then assembled he his Counsel, and pro∣posed the matter, as it was indeed, where∣upon it was concluded, that they should send some discreet Man unto Picrochole, to know wherefore he had thus suddenly broken the Peace, and invaded those Lands unto which he had no Right nor Title. Furthermore, that they should send for Gargantua, and those under his command, for the Preservation of of the Country, and Defence thereof now at need. All this pleased Grangousier very well, and he commanded that so it should be done.

Presently therefore he sent Basque, his Lackey, to fetch Gargantua with all diligence, and wrote to him as followeth.

CHAP. XXIX. The Tenor of the Letter which Gran∣gousier wrote to his Son Gargantua.

THe fervency of thy studies did require, that I should not in along time recall thee from that Philosophical rest thou now enjoyest: If the confidence reposed in our Friends and ancient Con∣federates, had not at this present Disappointed the assurances of my old age. But seeing such is my fatal Destiny, that I should be now disquieted by those in whom I trusted most: I am forced to call thee back to defend the People and Goods, which by the right of Nature belong unto thee; for even as Arms are weak abroad if there be not Counsel at home; so is that Study vain, and Counsel unprofitable, which in a due and convenient time is not by Vertue executed and put in effect. My Intention is not to Provoke, but Appease: Not to Assault, but to Defend: Not to Conquer, but to preserve my faithful Subjects and hereditary Dominions; into which Picrochole is entred in a hostile manner without any Ground or Cause, and from day to

day pursueth his furious Enterprise with great height of Insolence, that is intolerable to free-born Spirits.

I have endeavoured to moderate his tyran∣nical Choler, offering him all that which I thought might give him Satisfaction: And often∣times have I sent lovingly unto him, to understand wherein, by whom, and how he found himself to be wronged; But of him could I obtain no other answer, but a meer defiance; and that in my Lands he did pretend only to the right of a civil Correspondency and good Behaviour. Whereby I knew that the Eternal God hath given him over to the disposure of his own free Will and sensual Appetite; which cannot chuse but be wick∣ed, if by divine Grace it be not continually guided: And to contain him within his Duty, and bring him to know himself, hath sent him hither to me by a grievous Token. Therefore, my Beloved Son, as soon as thou, canst, upon sight of these Letters, repair hither with all dili∣gence, to succour not me so much (which never∣theless by natural Piety thou oughtest to do) as thine own People, which by reason thou oughtest to save and preserve. The Exploit shall be done with as little Effusion of Blood as may be; and if possible, by Means more expedient, by Policy and Stratagems of War. We shall save all the Souls, and send them home merry unto their own Houses. My dearest Son, the Peace of Jesus Christ our Redeemer be with

thee; salute from me Ponocrates, Gymnastes and Eudemon; the Twentieth of September,

Thy Father Grangousier.

CHAP. XXX. How Ulrich Gallet was sent unto Pi∣crochole.

THE Letters being dictated, signed and sealed, Grangousier ordained that Vl∣rich Gallet (Master of the Requests) a very wise and discreet Man, of whose Prudence and found Judgment he had made trial in several difficult and debateful matters) to go unto Picrochole, to shew what had been re∣solved amongst them. At the same hour departed the good Man Gallet, and having past the Ford, asked the Miller, in what con∣dition Picrochole was? who answer'd, That his Souldiers had left neither Cock nor Hen; that they were retir'd and shut up into the Rock Clermond, and that he would not advise him to go any further for fear of the Scouts, be∣cause they were enormously furious; which he easily believed, and therefore lodged that night with the Miller.

The next morning he went with a Trum∣peter to the Gate of the Castle, and requir'd

the Guards he might be admitted to speak with the King, of somewhat that concern'd him. These words being told unto the King, he would by no means consent that they should open the Gate; but getting up∣on the top of the Bulwark, said unto the Ambassador, What is the news? what have you to say? Then the Ambassador began to speak as followeth.

CHAP. XXXI. The Speech made by Gallet to Picro∣chole.

THere cannot arise amongst Men a juster cause of Grief, then when they receive hurt and damage▪ where they may justly expect for fa∣vour and good will; and not without cause (though without reason) have many, after they had fallen into such a calamitous accident, esteemed this in∣dignity less supportable then the loss of their own Lives; in such sort, that if they could not by force of Arms or otherwise correct it, they have deprived themselves of this Light.

It is therefore no wonder if King Grangou∣sier, my Master be full of high displeasure, and much disquieted in mind upon thy outragious and hostile coming; but truly it would be a marvel, if he were not sensible of, and moved with the

incomparable Abuses and Injuries perpetrated by thee and thine upon those of his Country, towards whom there hath been no Example of Inhuma∣nity omitted. Which in it self is to him so grie∣vous for the cordial Affection, wherewith he hath always cherish'd his Subjects, that more it cannot be to any mortal Man; yet in this (above human Apprehension) is it to him the more grievous, that these Wrongs and sad Offences have been committed by thee and thine, who time out of mind, from all antiquity, thou and thy Pre∣decessors have been in a continual League and Amity with him, and all his Ancestors; which, even until this time, you have as sacred together inviolably preserved, kept and maintained so well, that not he and his only, but the very barbarous Nations of the Poictevins, Bretons, Manceaux, and those that dwell beyond the Isles of the Ca∣naries, and that of Isabella, have thought it as easie to pull down the Firmament, and to set up depths above the Clouds, as to make a breach in your Alliance; and have been so afraid of it in their Enterprises, that they have never dared to provoke, incense or indamage the one for fear of the other. Nay, which is more, this sacred League hath so filled the World, that there are few Nations at this day inhabiting throughout all the Continent and Isles of the Ocean, who have not ambitiously aspired to be received into it, upon your own Covenants and Conditions, holding your joint Confederacy in as high Esteem as their own Territories and Dominions; in such sort, that

from the memory of Man, there hath not been either Prince or League so wild and proud, that durst have offered to invade, I say not your Coun∣tries, but not so much as those of your Confede∣rates. And if by rash and heady Counsel they have attempted any new design against them, as soon as they heard the Name and Title of your Al∣liance, they have suddenly desisted from their En∣prises. What Rage and Madness therefore doth now incite thee, all old Alliance infringed, all Amity trod under foot, and all right violated, thus in a hostil manner to invade his Country, without having been by him or his in any thing prejudiced, wronged or provoked? Where is Faith? Where is Law? Where is Reason? Where is Humanity? Where is the fear of God? Dost thou think that these atr••cious Abuses are hidden from the eternal Spirits, and the Supream God, who is the just re∣warder of all our Vndertakings? If thou so think, thou deceivest thy self; for all things shall come to pass, as in his incomprehensible Judgment he hath appointed.

Is it thy fatal Destiny, or influences of the Stars that would put an end to thy so long enjoyed Ease and Rest? For that all things have their end and period, so as that when they are come to the super∣lative point of their greatest height, they are in a trice tumbled down again, as not being able to abide long in that state. This is the Conclusion and End of those who cannot by Reason and Tempe∣rance moderate their Fortunes and Prosperities. But if it be predestinated that thy Happiness and

Ease must now come to an end, must it needs be by wronging my King? him by whom thou were establish'd? If thy House must come to ruin, should it therefore in its fall crush the heels of him that set it up? The matter is so unreasonable, and so dissonant from common Sense, that hardly can it be conceived by human Vnderstanding, and altogether incredible unto Strangers, till by the certain and undoubted effects thereof it be made apparent, that nothing is either sacred or holy to those, who having emancipated them∣selves from God and Reason, do meerly fol∣low the perverse affections of their own depraved nature.

If any wrong had been done by us to thy Sub∣jects and Dominions; if we had favour'd thy Ill-willers; if we had not assisted thee in thy Need; if thy Name and Reputation had been wounded by us; or (to speak more truly) if the calumnia∣ting Spirit, tempting to induce thee to Evil, had by false Illusions and deceitful Fantasies, put into thy Conceit the impression of a thought, that we had done unto thee any thing unworthy of our ancient Correspondence and Friendship, thou ought∣est first to have enquired out the Truth, and after∣wards by a seasonable warning to admonish us thereof; and we should have so satisfied thee, ac∣cording to thine own hearts desire, that thou shouldest have had occasion to be contented. But, O Eternal God, what is thy enterprize? Wouldst thou like a perfidious Tyrant, thus spoil and lay waste my Masters Kingdom? Hast thou found

him so silly and blockish, that he would not; or so destitute of Men and Money, of Counsel and Skill in military Discipline, that he cannot withstand thy unjustly Invasion? March hence presently, and to morrow some time of the Day retreat unto thine own Country, without doing any kind of Violence or disorderly act by the way; and pay withal a Thousand Besans of Gold, for reparation of Damages thou hast done in his Country: Half thou shalt pay to morrow, and the other half at the Ides of May next coming, leaving with us in the mean time for Hostages, the Dukes of Turnebank, Lowbuttock and Small-trash: together with the Prince of Itches, and Viscount of Snatch-bit.

CHAP. XXXII. How Grangousier to buy Peace, caused the Cakes to be restored.

WITH that the good Man Gallet held his peace, but Picrochole to all his Discourse answer'd nothing but Come and fetch them, come and fetch them; They have Ballocks fair and soft, they will knead some Cakes for you. Then returned he to Grangousier, whom he found upon his Knees bare-headed, crouching in a little Corner of his Cabinet, and hum∣bly

praying unto God, that he would vouch∣safe to asswage the Choler of Picrochole, and bring him to the rule of reason without pro∣ceeding by force. When the good Man came back, he asked him, Ha, my Friend, my Friend, what News do you bring me? There is neither Hope nor Remedy (said Gallet) the Man is quite out of his Wits, and forsaken of God. Yea but (said Gran∣gousier) my Friend, what cause doth he pre∣tend for his Outrages? He did not shew me any cause at all (said Gallet) only that in a great Anger, he spoke some words of Cakes. I cannot tell if they have done any wrong to his Cake-bakers. I will know (said Grangousier) the matter throughly, before I resolve any more upon what is to be done. Then sent he to learn concerning that busi∣ness, and found by true information, that some of his Men had taken violently some Cakes from Picrochole's People, and that Mar∣quet had his Head broken: That neverthe∣less all was well paid, and that the said Mar∣quet had first hurt Forgior with a stroke of his Whip athwart the Legs; and it seemed good to his whole Counsel, that he should defend himself with all his Might. Not∣withstanding all this (said Grangousier) see∣ing the question is but about a few Cakes, I will labour to content him; for I am very unwilling to wage War against him. He enquired then what quantity of Cakes they

had taken away, and understanding that it was but some four or five dozen, he com∣manded five cart-Loads of them to be baked that same night, and, that there should be one full of Cakes, made with fine butter, fine yolks of eggs, fine saffron and fine spice, to be bestowed upon Marquet; unto whom likewise he directed to be given seven hundred thousand and three Philips, for reparation of his losses, and for satisfaction of the Chirurgeon that had dressed his wound; and furthermore setled upon him and his for ever in Free-hold the Apple-Orchard called La Pomardiore; for the conveyance and passing of all which was sent Gallet, who by the way as they went made them gather near the wil∣low trees great store of boughs, canes and reeds, wherewith all the Cariers were injoy∣ned to garnish and deck their Carts, and each of them to carry one in his hand, as himself likewise did, thereby to give all Men to un∣derstand, that they demanded but Peace, and that they came to buy it.

Being come to the gate, they required to speak with Picrochole from Grangousier. Picro∣chole would not so much as let them in, nor go to speak with them, but sent them word that he was busie, and that they should deliver their mind to Captain Tonquedillon, who was then planting a piece of Ordnance upon the Wall. Then said the good Man unto him, My Lord, to ease you of all this labour, and to take a∣way

all excuses why you may not return unto our former Alliance, we do here presently re∣store unto you the Cakes upon which the quar∣rel arose; five dozen did our People take a∣way, they were well paid for; we love Peace so well, that we restore unto you five Cart∣loads, of which this Cart shall be for Marquet, who doth most complain; besides to content him entirely, here are seven hundred thousand and three Philips, which I deliver to him; and for the Losses he may pretend to have sustai∣ned, I resign for ever the Farm of the Pomar∣dere, to be possess'd in Fee-simple by him and his for ever, without the payment of any du∣ty, or acknowledgment of homage, fealty, fine or service whatsoever; and here is the Deed of Conveyance, and for God's sake let us live henceforward in Peace; and go you home merrily into your own Country from this place, unto which you have no right at all, as your selves must needs confess, and let us be good Friends as before. Tonquedillon related all this to Picrochole, and more and more exaspe∣rated his courage, saying to him, These Clowns are afraid to some purpose, by cocks Grangou∣sier conskites himself for fear; the poor drin∣ker he is not skilled in warfare, nor hath he a∣ny stomach for it, he knows better how to em∣pty the Flaggons, that is his Art. I am of opi∣nion that it is fit we send back the Carts and the Money; and for the rest, that very spee∣dily we fortifie our selves here, then prosecute

our fortune. But what do they think to have to do wlth a ninnie-whoop, to feed you thus with cakes? You may see what it is, the good Usage and great Familiarity which you have had with them heretofore, hath made you con∣temptible in their Eyes; ungenton purget purgen∣tom rustius unget.

Sa, sa, sa, (said Picrochole,) by St. Iames you have given a true character of them. One thing I will advise you (said Tonquedillon,) we are here but badly victualled and very slenderly provided which stores for the Mouth: If Grangousier should come to besiege us, I would go presently and pluck out of all your souldiers heads and mine own all the teeth ex∣cept three to each of us, and with them alone we should make an end of our provision, but too soon.

We shall have (said Picrochole) but too much sustenance and feeding-stuff; came we hither to eat or to fight? To fight indeed (said Ton∣quedillon) yet from the panch comes the dance, and where famine rules force is exil'd. Leave off your prating (said Picrochole) and forthwith seize upon what they have brought. Then took the Money and Cakes, Oxen and Carts, and sent away the Messengers, without speaking a word, only that they would come no more so near, for a reason that would be told them the morrow after. Thus without doing any thing, returned they to Grangousier, and rela∣ted the whole matter unto him, subjoyning

that there was no hope left to draw them to Peace, but by sharp and fierce Wars.

CHAP. XXXIII. How some Ministers of Picrochole, by Hair-brain'd Counsel put him in extreme Danger.

THE Carts being unloaded, and the Mo∣ney and Cakes secured, there came be∣fore Picrochole, the Duke of Small-trash, the Earl Swash-buckler and Captain Durtaille, who said unto him, Sir, this day we make you the happiest, the most warlike and chivalrous Prince that ever was since the death of A∣lexander of Macedonia. Be covered, be cove∣red (said Picrochole) cry you mercy (said they) we do but our Duty: The manner is thus, you shall leave some Captain here to have the charge of this Garrison, with a Party competent for keeping of the place, which besides its natural strength, its made stronger by the rampiers and fortresses of your devising. Your Army you are to divide into two parts, as you know very well how to do; one part thereof, shall fall upon Grangousier and his forces; by it shall he be easily, at the very first shock routed and then shall you get Money by heaps, for the Clown had store of

ready Coin. Clown we call him, because, A noble and generous Prince, had never a penny and that to hoard up Treasure, is the part of a Clown. The other part of the Army, in the mean Time shall draw towards Onys, Xaintouge, Angoulosme and Cascony; then march to Perigrout, Medos and Elanes, taking wherever you come without resistance, Towns, Castles and Forts. Afterwards to Bayonne, St. Ihon de luz, to F••entarabia, where you shall seize upon all the Ships and coasting along Galicia and Por∣tugal, shall pillage all the maritine Places, 〈◊〉〈◊〉 ••nto Lisbon, where you shall be supplied 〈…〉〈…〉 necessaries befitting a Conquerour. By Copsodi Spain will yield, for they are but a race of Loobies. Then are you to pass by the streights of Gibralter, where you shall e∣rect two Pillars more stately then those of Hercu∣les, to the perpetual memory of your Name and the narrow Entrance, there shall be call'd the Picrochonical Sea.

Having past the Picrochonical sea, behold, Barbarossa yields himself your slave. I will (said Picrochole) give him fair quarter. Yea (said they) so that he be content to be christened. And you shall conquer the Kingdoms of Tu∣nes, of Hippos, Argier, Bomine, Corode, yea all Barbary. Furthermore, you shall take into your hands Majorca, Minorca, Sardinia, Corsica, with the other Islands of the Ligustic and Balcarian Seas. Going alongst on the left Hand, you shall Subdue, all Gallia Narbonensis, Pro¦vence,

the Allobrogians, Genua, Florence, Luca, and then God buy Rome, our poor Monsieur the Pope dyes now for fear. By my faith (said Picrochole,) I will not Then kiss his Pantuffle.

Italy being thus taken, behold, Naples, Ca∣labria, Aputia and Sicilie, all ransacked and Malta too. I wish those Jovial, Quondam Knights of Rhodes, would but come to resist you, that we might see their Urine. I would (said Picrochole) very willingly go to Loretta. No, no, (said they) that shall be at our return. From thence we will sail Eastwards, and take Candia, Cyprus, Rhodes, and the Cyclade Island, and set upon Morea. It is ours by 〈…〉〈…〉, the Lord preserve Ierusalem; for 〈…〉〈…〉 Soldan, is not comparable to you in Power: I will then (said he,) cause Solomon's Temple to be built. No, (said they) not yet, have a little patience, stay a while, be never too sudden in your enterpriss.

Can you tell what Octavian Augustus said, Festina lente; it is requisite that you first have the lesser Asia, Carra, Lycia, Pamphilia, Cilicia, Lydia, Phrygia, Mysia, Bithinia, Cara, Zia, Satalia, Samagaria, Castamena, Luga, Sanasta, even unto Euphrates. Shall we see (said Picro∣chole,) Babylon and Mount Sinai? There is no need (said they) at this time; have we not hurried up and down, travelled and toyl'd enough, in having transfreted and past over the Hircanian Sea, marched alongst the two Armenias and the three Arabias? By my faith

(said he) we have played the Fools, and are undone. Ha, poor Souls! What's the mat∣ter, said they? What shall we have (said he) to drink in these deserts? for Iulian Augustus, with his whole Army died there for thirst, as they say. We have already (said they) given order for that: In the Siriac Sea, you have nine thousand and fourteen great ships, laden with the best wines, in the world; they arrived at Port-Ioppa, there you shall find two and twenty thousand Camels, and sixteen hundred Elephants, which you shall find at one hunting about Sigelmes, when you enter into Libia; and besides this, you will have all the Macca Caravane, will not they furnish you sufficiently with wine? Yes, but (said he) we shall not drink it fresh, that (said they,) is for a little fish, but a mighty Man, a pretender, one that aspires to the Monarchy of the World cannot always have his ease. God be thanked, that you and your men, are come safe and sound unto the banks of the rive•• Tigris.

But (said he) what doth that part of our Army in the mean time, which overthrows that worthy Swill-pot, Grangousier? They are not idle (said they) we shall meet with them by and by, they shall have won you Britany, Normandy, Flanders, Haynault, Brabant, Artois, Holland, Zealand, they have past the Rhine over the bellies of the Switsers and Lanskenets, and a party of these hath subdued Luxemburg,

Lorrain, Champaign and Savoy, even to Lions, in which place they have met with your forces, returning from the naval Conquests of the Mediterranean Sea; and have rallied again in Bohemia, after they had plundered and sacked Suevia, Wittemburg, Bavaria, Austria, Moravia and Styria. Then they set fiercely together upon Lubeck, Norway, Swedeland, Rie, Denmark▪ Guitland, Greenland, the Sterlins, even unto the frozen Sea. This done, they con∣quered the Isles of Orkney and subdued Scotland, England & Ireland. From thence sailing through the sandy Sea, and by the Sarmates, they have van∣quished and overcome Prussia, Poland, Lituania, Russia, Walachia, Transilvania, Hungaria, Bulgaria, Turquieland and are now at Constantinople. Come (said Picrochole) let us go joyn with them quick∣ly for I will be Emperour of Trebezonde also; shall we not kill all these dog Turks and Ma∣humetans? What a devil should we do else, said they; and you shall give their Goods and Lands to such as shall have served you honestly. Reason (said he) will have it so, that is but just; I give unto you the Caramania, Surie and all the Palestine. Ha, Sir (said they) it is your goodness: Grammercie, God grant you may always prosper. There was present at the time an old Gentleman, well experienced in in the Wars, a stern Souldier, and who had been in many great hazards, named Echephron, who hearing this discourse, said, I do grealty doubt that all this enterprise will

be like the tail of the pitcher full of Milk, where∣with a Shomaker made himself rich in con∣ceit; but when the pitcher was broken, he had not whereupon to dine. What do you pre∣tend by these large Conquests? what shall be the end of so many labours and crosses? Thus it shall be (said Picrochole) that when we return we shall sit down, rest and be merry. But (said Echephron,) if by chance you should never come back, for the voyage is long and dangerous, where it not better for us to take our rest now, then unneces∣sarily to expose our selves to so many dan∣gers? O (said Swashbuckler,) by G— here is a good dotard, come let us go hide our selves in the corner of a Chimney and there spend the whole time of our life amongst Ladies, in threading of pea••ls, or spinning like Sardanapalus. He that nothing ventures, hath neither Horse nor Mule (said Solomon) He who adventureth too much (said Echepron) loseth both Horse and Mule, as Malchon answered. Enough (said Picrochole,) go forward; I fear nothing but that these Devillish Legions of Grangousier, whilst we are in Mesopotamia, will come on our backs and charge upon our rear, what remedy then? A very good one (said Durtaille) send a pretty round Commission to the Muscoviters. And they bring instantly into the Field for you four hundred and fifty thousand choice fighting Men. O that you would but make me your Lieutenant General,

how I should truss up the Rogues with dis∣cipline? I fret, I charge, I strike, I take, I kill, I slay, I play the Devil. On, on (said Picrochole) he that loves me, follow me.

CHAP. XXXIV. How Gargantua left the City of Paris to Succour his Country, and how Gymnast encountered with the E∣nemy.

IN this same very hour, Gargantua (who was gone out of Paris, as soon as he had read his Father's Letters) coming upon his great mare had already past the Nunnery-bridge himself; Ponocrates, Gymnast and Eu∣demon, to go along with him took Post-horses: The rest of his Train came after him by even journeys, bringing with them all his Books and Philosophical Instruments. As soon as he had alighted at Parille, he was infor∣med by a Farmer of Gouget, how Picrochole had fortified himself within the Rock Cler∣mond; and had sent Captain Tripet with a great Army to set upon the Wood of Vede and Vaugaudry; and that they had already plundered the whole Country, not leaving Cock nor Hen, even as far as to the Wine∣press

of Billiard; and that it was a strange thing, and hardly to be credited, what ra∣vage they had committed over all the Land; which so affrighted Gargantua, that he knew not what to say, nor what to do. But Pono∣crates counselled him to go unto the Lord of Vauguyon, who at all times had been their Friend and Confederate; and that by him they should be better advised in their Business: Which they did incontinently, and found him very willing to assist them; and he was of opinion that they should send some one of his Company, to scout along and discover the Country, to learn in what con∣dition and posture the Enemy was, that they might take Counsel, and proceed according to the present occasion. Gymnast offering him∣self to go; whereupon it was concluded, that for his safety, and the better expedition, he should have with him some one that knew the Ways, Avenues, Turnings, Windings and Rivers thereabout. Then away went he and Prelingot, Gentleman of Vauguyon's Horse, who scouted and espied on all quarters with∣out any fear. In the mean time Gargantua took a little refreshment, eat somewhat him∣self, the like did those that were with him, and caused to give to his Mare a Picotine of Oats, that is, Threescore and fourteen Quar∣ters and three Bushels. Gymnast and his Camrade rode so long, that at last they met with the Enemies Forces, all scattered and

out of order, Plundering, Stealing, Robbing and Pillaging all they could lay their Hands on: And as far off as they could perceive him, they ran thronging upon the back of one another in all haste towards him, to un∣load him of his Money, and untruss his Portmantles. Then cried he out unto them (My Masters) I am a poor Devil, I desire you to spare me, I have yet one Crown left, come, we must drink it; for it is aurum potabile, and this Horse here shall be sold to pay my welcom; afterwards take me for one of your own; for never yet was there any Man that knew better how to take, lard, rost and dress, yea by G— to tear asunder and devour a Hen, then I that am here: And for my Beverage I drink to all good Fellows. With that he unscrued his Leathern Bottle, and without putting in his Nose drank very handsomly; the Rogues looked upon him, opening their Throats a Foot wide, and put∣ting out their Tongues like Greyhounds, in hopes to drink after him: But Captain Tripet, in the very nick, came running to him to see who it was. To him Gymnast offer'd his Bottle, saying, Hold, Captain, drink boldly and spare not; I have been thy taster, it is Wine of La fay monjau. What (says Tripet) this Fellow gybes and flouts us; who art thou? (said Tripet) I am (said Gymnast) a poor Devil (pauvre diable.) Ha (said Tripet) seeing thou art a poor Devil, it is reason that

thou shouldst be permitted to go whither-soever thou wilt, for all poor Devils pass every where without toll or tax; but it is not the custom of poor Devils to be so well mounted, therefore, Sir Devil, come down, and let me have your Horse, and if he do not carry me well, you, Master Devil, must do it; for I love a Life that such a Devil as you should carry me away.

CHAP. XXXV. How Gymnast very nimbly killed Captain Tripet, and others of Pi∣crochole's Men

WHen they heard these words, some amongst them began to be afraid, and blest themselves with both hands, think∣ing indeed that he had been a Devil disguised: Insomuch that one of them, named Good Iohn, Captain of the trained Bands took his Psalter out of his Codpiece, and cried out a∣loud, Hagios ho Theos. If thou be of God speak, if thou be of the other Spirit avoid hence, and get thee going. Yet he went not away; which words being heard by all the Souldiers that were there, divers of them being a little inwardly terrified, departed from the place: All this did Gymnast very

well remark and consider, and therefore ma∣king as if he would have alighted from off his Horse, as he was poising himself on the mounting side, he most nimbly (with his short Sword by his Thigh) shifting his feet in the stirrup, performed the stirrup-leather feat, whereby after the inclining of his Body downwards, he forthwith launch'd himself aloft in the Air, and placed both his Feet toge∣ther on the Saddle, standing upright with his back turned towards the Horse's head; Now (said he) my case goes backward. Then suddenly in the same very posture wherein he was, he fetched a gambole upon one foot, and turn∣ing to the left hand, failed not to carry his Body perfectly round, just into its former stance, without missing one jot. Ha (said Tripet) I will not do that at this time, and not without cause. Well (said Gymnast) I have failed, I will undo this leap: Then with a marvellous strength and agility, turning towards the right hand he fetch'd another frisking gambole, as before, which done, he set his right hand thumb upon the hind bow of the Saddle, raised him up, and sprung in the Air, poising and upholding his whole Body, upon the Muscle and Nerve of the said Thumb; and so turned and whirled him∣self about three times. At the fourth re∣versing his Body, and overturning it upside down, and foreside back, without touching any thing he brought himself betwixt the

Horse's two Ears, springing with al•• his Body into the Air, upon the Thumb of his left Hand, and in that posture turning like a Wind-mill, did most actively do that trick which is called the Mill••r's Pass. After this, clapping his right Hand flat upon the middle of the Saddle, he gave himself such a jerking swing, that he thereby seated himself upon the Crupper, after the manner of Gentle∣women.

This done, he easily past his right Leg over the Saddle, and placed himself like one that rides in Croup: But (said he) it were better for me to get into the Saddle; then putting the Thumbs of both Hands upon the Crupper before him, and thereupon lean∣ing himself, as upon the only Supporters of his Body, he incontinently turned heels over Head in the Air, and streight found himself betwixt the bow of the Saddle in a good seat. Then with a Summer-sault springing into the Air again, he fell to stand with both his Feet close together upon the Saddle, and there made above a hundred frisks, turns and demi-pommads, with his Arms held out a∣cross, and in so doing cried out aloud, I rage, I rage, Devils, I am stark mad; Devils, I am mad, hold me, Devils, hold me; hold, Devils, hold, hold.

Whilst he was thus vaulting, the Rogues in great astonishment said to one another, By Cocks death, he is a Goblin or a Devil thus

disguised; Ab hoste maligno libera nos, Domine, and ran away as in a total rout, looking now and then behind them like a Dog that had stoln a Pudding.

Then Gymnast spying his advantage, a∣lighted from his Horse, drew his Sword, and laid on great Blows upon the thickest, and highest crested amongst them, and overthrew them in great heaps, hurt, wounded and bruised, being resisted by no body, they thinking he had been a starved Devil, as well in regard of his wonderful feats in vaulting, which they had seen, as for the Talk Tripet had with him, calling him poor Devil. Only Tripet would have traiterously cleft his head with his Fauchion; but he was well armed, and felt nothing of the Blow, but the weight of the stroke; whereupon turning suddenly about, he gave Tripet a home thrust, and upon the back of that, whilst he was about to ward his Head from a slash, he ran him in at the Breast with a hit, which at once cut his Stomach, the Colon, and the half of his Liver, wherewith he fell to the ground; and in falling gushed forth above four Pot∣tles of Pottage, and his Soul mingled with the Pottage.

This done, Gymnast withdrew himself, very wisely considering, that a case of great adventure and hazard, should not be pursued unto its utmost period, and that it becomes all Cavaliers modestly to use their good Fortune,

without troubling or stretching it too far. Where∣fore getting to Horse, he gave him the Spur, taking the right way unto Vauguyon; and Pre∣lingot with him.

CHAP. XXXVI. How Gargantua demolished the Castle at the Ford of Vede, and how they past the Ford.

AS soon as he came thither, he related the Estate and Condition wherein they had found the Enemy, and the Stratagem which he alone had used against all their multitude; affirming that they were but rascally Rogues, Plunderers, Thieves and Robbers, ignorant of all military Discipline, and that they might boldly set forward unto the Field; it being an easie matter to fell and strike them down like Beasts, then Gar∣gantua mounted his great Mare, accompanied as we have said before, and finding in his way a high and great Tree (which com∣monly was called St. Martin's Tree, because heretofore St. Martin planted a Pilgrim's staff there; which grew to that height and greatness) said, This is that which I lacked; this Tree shall serve me both for a Staff and Lance: With that he pulled it up easily, pluck∣ed

it off the Boughs, and trimed it at his pleasure. In the mean time his Mare pissed to ease her Belly, but it was in such abun∣dance, that it did overflow the Country Seven Leagues, and all the flood ran glib away towards the Ford of Vede, wherewith the Water was so swollen, that all the Forces the Enemy had there, were with great hor∣ror drowned, except some who had taken the way on the left hand towards the Hills. Gargantua being come to the Wood of Vede, was informed by Eudemon, that there was some remainder of the Enemy within the Castle, which to know, Gargantua cried out as loud as he was able, Are you there, or are you not there? If you be there, be there no more; and if you be not there, I have no more to say. But a Ruffian Gunner at the Portcullis, let fly a Cannot-ball at him, and hit him with that shot most furiously on the right Temple of his head, yet did him no more hurt, then if he had but cast a Grape-stone at him: What is this? (said Gargantua) do yo throw at us Grape-stones here? The Vintage shall cost you dear, thinking indeed that the Bul∣let had been the stone of a Grape.

Those who were within the Castle, being till then busie at the pillage, when they heard this noise, ran to the Towers and For∣tresses, from whence they shot at him above Nine thousand and five and twenty Falcon∣shot and Harcabusades, aiming all at his

Head; and so thick did they shoot at him, that he cried out, Ponocrates my Friend, These Flies are like to put out mine Eyes; give me a Branch of those Willow-trees to drive them away, thinking that the Bullets and Stones shot out of the great Ordnance had been but Dun-flies. Ponocrates looked and saw there were no other Flies, but great shot which they had shot from the Castle. Then was it that he rusht with his great Tree a∣gainst the Castle, and with mighty blows overthrew both Towers and Fortresses, and laid all level with the Ground, by which means all that were within were slain and broken in pieces.

Going from thence, they came to the Bridge at the Mill, where they found all the Ford covered with dead Bodies, so thick, that they had choaked up the Mill, and stop∣ped the current of its Water; and these were those that were destroyed in the Urinal Deluge of the Mare. There they were at a stand, consulting how they might pass with∣out hindrance by these dead Carcasses. But Gymnast said, If the Devils have past there, I will pass well enough. The Devils have past there (said Eudemon) to carry away the damned Souls. By St. Rhenian (said Pono∣crates) then by necessary consequence he shall pass there. Yes, yes (said Gymnastes) or I shall stick in the way. Then setting Spurs to his Horse, he past through freely,

his Horse not fearing, nor being any ways affrighted at the sight of the dead Bodies. For he had accustomed him (according to the Doctrin of Aelian) not to fear Armour, nor the Carcasses of dead Men; and that not by killing Men as Diomedes did the Thracians, or as Vlysses did in throwing the Corpses of his Enemies at his Horses feet, as Homer saith; but by putting a Iack a-lent amongst his hay, and making him go over it ordinarily, when he gave him his Oats.

The other three followed him very close, except Eudemon only, whose Horses far fore∣foot sank up to the Knee in the Paunch of a great fat Chuff, who lay there upon his back drowned, and could not get it out. There was he pester'd, until Gargantua with the end of his Staff thrust down the rest of the Vil∣lain's Tripes into the Water, whilst the Horse pulled out his Foot; and (which is a won∣derful thing in Hippiatry) the said Horse was throughly cured of a Ringbone which he had in that Foot, by this touch of the burst guts of that great Looby.

CHAP. XXXVII. How Gargantua in combing his Head made the great Cannon-ball fall out of his Hair.

HAving got over the River of Vede, they came very shortly after to Grangousier's Castle, who waited for them with great long∣ing; at their coming there was such Hug∣ging and Embracing, never was seen a more joyful Company; for Supplementum supplementi Chronicorum, saith, that Gargamelle died there with joy. For my part, truly I cannot tell, neither do I care very much for her, nor for any body else. The truth was, that Gar∣gantua in shifting his Clothes, and combing his Head with a Comb Nine hundred Foot long, and the teeth all Tusks of Elephants, whole and entire, he made fall at every rake above seven Balls that stuck in his Hair, at the razing of the Castle at the Wood of Vede. Which his Father Grangousier seeing, thought they had been Lice, and said unto him, What, my dear Son, hast thou brought us thus far some short-winged Hawks of the College of Montague? I did not mean that thou shouldst reside there. Then answered Ponocrates, My Sovereign Lord, think not that I have placed him in that lowsie Col∣lege,

which they call Montague; I had ra∣ther have put him amongst the Grave-diggers of Sanct Innocent, so enormous is the Cruelty and Villainy that I have known there; for the Gally-slaves are far better used amongst the Moors and Tartars, the Murtherers in the criminal Dungeons, yea the very Dogs in your House, then are poor wretched Stu∣dents in the aforesaid College. And, were I King of Paris, the Devil take me if I would not set it on fire, and burn both Principal and Regents, for suffering this Inhumanity to be exercised before their Eyes. Then taking up one of these Bullets, he said, these are Can∣non-shot, which your Son Gargantua hath lately received by the Treachery of your E∣nemies, as he was passing before the Wood of Vede.

But they have been so rewarded, that they are all destroyed in the Ruin of the Castle, as were the Philistines by the Policy of Samp∣son, and those whom the Tower of Silohim slew, as it is written Luc. 13. My opinion is, that we pursue them whilst the luck is on our side, for Occasion hath all her Hair on her Forehead, when she is past you may not re∣cal her; she is bald in the hind part of her Head, and never returneth again. Truly (said Grangousier) it shall not be at this time; for I will make you a Feast this Night, and bid you welcom.

This said, they made ready Supper, and of extraordinary besides his daily fare, were roasted sixteen Oxen, three Heifers, two and thirty Calves, threescore and three fat Kids, fourscore and fifteen Wethers, three hundred Barrow-pigs sowced in sweet Wine, eleven∣score Partridges, seven hundred Snites and Woodcocks, four hundred Loudon and Cornwal-Capons, six thousand Pullets and as many Pi∣geons, six hundred crammed Hens, fourteen hundred Liverets, three hundred and three Buzzards, and one thousand and seven hundred Cockrels. For Venison, they could not so sud∣denly come by it, only eleven wild Boars, which the Abbot of Turpenay sent, and eigh∣teen fallow Deer which the Lord of Gramount bestowed; together with sevenscore Phe∣sants which were sent by the Lord of Essars; and some dozens of Queests, Coushots, Ring∣doves and Woodculvers; River-fowl, Teals and Awteals, Bittorns, Courtes, Plovers, Francolins, Briganders, Tyrasons, young Lapwings, tame Ducks, Shovelers, Woodlanders, Herons, Moor-Hens, Criels, Storks, Canepetiers, Oronges, Fla∣mans, which are Phaenicopters, Terrigoles, Turkies, Arbens, Coots, Solingeese, Curlews, Termagants and Water-wagtails, with a great deal of Cream, Curds and fresh Cheese, and store of Soupe, Pottages and Brewis with variety. Without doubt there was meat enough, and it was handsomly drest by Snapsauce, Hotch∣pot and Brayverjuice, Grangousier's Cooks.

Ieken, Trudg apace and Clean-glass, were very careful to fill them drink.

CHAP. XXXVIII. How Gargantua did eat up six Pil∣grims in a Sallet.

THE Story requireth, that we relate which happened unto six Pilgrims, who came from Sebastian near to Nantes: and who for shelter that night, being afraid of the Enemy, had hid themselves in the Garden upon the chichling Pease, among the Cabbages and Lettices. Gargantua finding himself somewhat dry, asked whether they could get any Lettice to make him a Sallet; and hearing that there were the greatest and fairest in the Country (for they were as great as Plum-trees, or as Walnut-trees) he would go thi••her himself, and brought thence in his hand what he thought good, and with∣al carried away the six Pilgrims, who were in so great fear, they did not dare to speak nor cough.

Washing them therefore first at the Foun∣tain, the Pilgrims said one to another softly, What shall we do? we are almost drowned here amongst these Lettice, shall we speak? But if we speak, he will kill us for Spies. And as they

were thus deliberating what to do, Gargan∣tua put them with the Lettice into a platter of the House, as large as the huge Tun of the Cister••ians, which done, with Oil, Vinegar and Salt he eat them up, to refresh himself a little before Supper; and had already swal∣lowed up five of the Pilgrims, the sixth being in the Platter, totally hid under a Lettice, except his Staff that appeared, and nothing else. Which Grangousier seeing, said to Gar∣gantua, I think that is the Horn of a Shell-snail, do not eat it. Why not (said Gar∣gantua) they are good all this Month, which he no sooner said, but drawing up the Staff, and therewith taking up the Pilgrim, he eat him very well, then drank a terrible draught of excellent White-wine, and expected Sup∣per to be brought up.

The Pilgrims thus devoured, made shift to save themselves as well as they could, by withdrawing their bodies out of the reach of the Grinders of his Teeth, but could not es∣cape from thinking they had been put in the lowest Dungeon of a Prison. And when Gargantua whiffed the great draught, they thought to have been drowned in his mouth, and the flood of Wine had almost carried them away into the Gulf of his Stomach. Nevertheless skipping with their Staves, as St. Michael's Palmers use to do, they shelter'd themselves from the danger of that Inundation, under the Banks of his Teeth. But one of

them by chance, groping or sounding the Country with his staff, to try whether they were in safety or no, struck hard against the cleft of a hollow tooth, and hit the mandibu∣lary Sinew, or nerve of the Jaw, which put Gargantua to very great pain, so that he be∣gan to cry for the rage that he felt. To ease himself therefore of his smarting ach, he called for his Tooth-picker, and rubbing to∣wards a young Walnut-tree, unnestled you my Gentlemen Pilgrims.

For he caught one by the Legs, another by the scrip, another by the Pocket, another by the Scarf, another by the band of the Breeches, and the poor Fellow that had hurt him with the staff, him he hooked to him by the Codpiece, which snatch nevertheless did him a great deal of good, for it broke upon him a pocky botch he had in the Groin, which grievously tormented him ever since they were past Ancenis. The Pilgrims thus dis∣lodged ran away athwart the plain a pretty fast pace, and the pain ceased, even just at the time when by Eudemon he was called to Sup∣per, for all was ready. I will go then (said he) and piss away my misfortune, which he did do in such a copious measure, that the Urin taking away the Feet from the Pil∣grims, they were carried along with the stream unto the bank of a tuft of Trees: Upon which, as soon as they had taken foot∣ing, and that for their self-preservation they

had run a little out of the road, they on a sudden fell all six, except Fourniller, into a trap that had been made to take Wolves by a train; out of which they escaped neverthe∣less by the industry of the said Fourniller, who broke all the snares and ropes. Being gone from thence, they lay all the rest of that night in a Lodge near unto Coudry, where they were comforted in their Miseries, by the gracious words of one of their Company, called Sweer∣togo, who shewed them that this adventure had been foretold by the Prophet David, Psalm. Quum exurgerent homines in nos, fortè vivos de∣glutissent nos; when we were eaten in the Sallet, with Salt, Oil and Vinegar. Quum irasceretur furor eorum in nos, forsitan aqua abfor∣buisset nos; when he drank the great draught. Torrentem pertransivit anima nostra; when the stream of his water carried us to the thicket. Forsitan pertransisset anima nostra aquam intole∣rabilem; that is, the water of his Urin, the flood whereof cutting our way, took our feet from us. Benedictus Dominus qui non dedit nos in captionem dentibus eorum: Anima nostra sicut passer erepta est de laqueo venantium; when we fell in the trap. Laqueus contritus est, by Four∣niller. Et nos liberati sumus. Adjutorium no∣strum, &c.

CHAP. XXXIX. How the Monk was feasted by Gar∣gantua, and of the jovial discourse they had at supper.

WHen Gargantua was set down at ta∣ble, and all of them had somewhat stayed their stomacs; Grangousier began to relate the source and cause of the War, raised between him and Picrocbole and came to tell how Friar Ihon of des Entoumeures, the Funnels, had triumph∣ed at the defence of the Close of the Abbey, and extolled him for his valour above Camillus, Scipio, Pompey, Caesar and Themistocles. Then Gargantua desired that he might be presently sent for, to the End that with him they might consult of what was to be done, whereupon by a Joynt consent the Master••d' Hotel, went for him and brought him along merrily, with his staff of the Cross upon Grangousier's Mule. When he was come a thousand huggings, a thousand embracements, a thousand good days were given: Ha Friar Ihon my friend, Frier Ihon, my brave cousin Frier Ihon, from the Divil, let me clip thee about the neck; let me have thee in my Arms and must gripe thee, (my Cod) till thy back crack; and Frier Ihon the gladdest Man in the world, never was Man made welcomer, never was any more courteously and graciously received then Friar Ihon. Come, come (said Gargantua)

a stool here close by meat this end; with all my Heart (said the Monk) seeing you will have it so; Some water (Page) fill, my boy fill, it is to refresh my Liver; give me some (child) to gargle my throat withal, Depositâ cappâ, (said Gymnast) let us pull of this frock. Ho by G— Gentleman (said the Monk) there is a Chapter in statutis Ordi∣nis, which opposeth my laying of it down: Pish (said Gymnast) a fig for your Chapter, this frock breaks both your shoulders, put it off; my friend (said the Monk,) let me alone with it, for by G— I'le drink the better that it is on, it makes all my Body jocund: If I should lay it aside, the waggish Pages would cut to themselves garters out of it, as I was once served at Coulaines; and which is worse, I should lose my appetite, but if in this habit I set down at Table, I will drink by G— both to thee and to thy horse, and so courage, frolic, God save the company, I have already supt, yet I will eat never a whit the less for that, for I have a paved stomac, as hollow as St. Benet's boot, always open like a Lawyers pouch. Of all fishes but the Tench, take the wing of a Partridg, or the thigh of a Nunn, doth no•• he die like a good fellow that dies with a stiff Catso? Our Prior loves exceedingly the white of a Capon: in that (said Gymnast) he doth not resemble the Foxes; for of the C••pons, Hens and Pullets which they carry away, they

never eat the white: Why? (said the Monk) Because (said Gymnast) they have no Cooks to dress them, and if they be not competently made ready, they remain red and not white; the redness of meats being a token that they have not got enough of the fire, ex∣cept the Shrimps, Lobsters, Crabs and Cray∣fishes, which are Cardinalised with boyling; Gods Fish (said the Monk) the Porter of our Abbey then hath not his head well-boyled, for his Eyes are as red as a mazer made of an Alder-tree. The thigh of this Leveret is good for those that have the Gout. Some natural Philosophy; ha, ha, what is the reason that the Thighs of a Gentlewoman are always fresh and cool? This Problem (said Gargantua) is nei∣ther in Aristotle, in Alexander Aphrodiseus, nor in Plutarch. There are three Causes (said the Monk) by which that place is naturally refreshed. Pri∣mò, because the water runs all along it. Se∣cundò, because it is a shady place, obscure and dark, upon which the Sun never shines. And thirdly, because it is continually blown upon, and aired by a reverberation from the back-door, by the fan of the smock, and flipflap of the Codpiece. And lusty my Lads, some bousing liquor, Page; so, Crack, crack, crack. O what a good God have we, that gives us this ex∣cellent Juice! I call him to witness, if I had been in the time of Iesus Christ, I would have kept him from being taken by the Iews in the Garden of Olivet; and the Devil fail me, if

I should have failed to cut off the hams of these Gentlemen Apostles, who ran away so basely after they had well supped, and left their good Master in the lurch. I hate that Man worse then poison that offers to run a∣way, when he should fight and lay stoutly a∣bout him. Oh that I were but King of France for fourscore or an hundred years! by G— I should whip like curtail-dogs these run-a∣ways of Pavie. A plague take them, why did they not chuse rather to die there than to leave their good Prince in that pinch and ne∣cessity? Is it not better and more honourable to perish in fighting valiantly than to live in disgrace by a cowardly running away? We are like to eat no great store of goslings this year, therefore, friend, reach me some of that rosted pig there.

Diavolo, is there no more must? no more sweet Wine? Germinavit radix Iesse, I re∣nounce my Life, I die for thirst. This Wine is none of the worst.; what Wine drink you at Paris? I give my self to the Devil, if I did not once keep open house at Paris for all com∣mers six Months together. Do you know Fri∣ar Claude of the high kildrekins? Oh the good Fellow that he is! but what Fly hath stung him of late, he is become so hard a Student? for my part I study not at all. In our Abbey we never study for fear of the mumps. Our late Abbot was wont to say, that it is a mon∣strous thing to see a learned Monk, by G—

Master my friend, Magis Magnos, clericos non sunt, magis magnos sapientes. You never saw so many hares as there are this Year. I could not any where come by a gos∣hawk nor tassel of falcon; my Lord Beloniere promised me a Lanner, but he wrote to me not long ago, that he was become pursie: The Patridges will so multiply henceforth, that they will go near to eat up our ears; I take no delight in the stalking-horse, for I catch such cold, that I am like to founder my self at that sport, if I do not run, toil, travel and trot about, I am not well at ease. True it is, that in Leaping over Hedges and Bushes my Frock leaves always some of its Wool behind it; I have recovered a dainty grey-Hound; I give him to the Devil if he suffer a hare to escape him. A groom was leading him to my Lord Hunt-little, and I robbed him of him; did I ill? No Friar Ihon, (said Gymnast,) no by all the devils that are, no. So (said the Monk) do I attest these same devils so long as they last, vertue G— what could that gowty Limpard have done with so fine a Dog? by the body of G— he is better pleased, when one presents him with a good yoke of Oxen. How now? (said Ponocrates,) you swear, Friar Ihon; It is only (said the Monk) but to grace and adorn my speech; they are colours of a Cice∣ronian Rhetoric.

CHAP. XL. Why Monks are the out-casts of the world? and wherefore some have bigger noses then others?

BY the faith of a Christian (said Eudemon) I am highly transported, when, I con∣sider what an honest Fellow this Monk is; for he makes us all merry. How is it then that they exclude the Monks, from all good Companies? calling them feast-troublers, as the Bees drive away the drones from their Hives? Ignavum fucos, pecus (said Maro) á pre∣sepibus arcent. Here-unto answer'd Gargantua, there is nothing so true, as that the Frock and Cowle draw to them the Opprobries, Injuries and Maledictions of the World, just as the Wind call'd Cecias attracts the Clouds, the peremptory reason is, because they eat the Turd of the World, that is to say, they feed upon the Sins of the people: And as a noysom thing, they are cast in••o the Privies; that is the Convents and Abbyes, separated from civil conversation, as the Privies and Retreats of a House are; but if you conceive how an Ape in a family is always mocked, and provoking∣ly incensed, you shall easily apprehend how Monks are shunned of all Men, both young and old: the Ape keeps not the House as a

Dog doth. He draws not in the Plow as the Oxe, he yields neither Milk nor Wool as the Sheep; he carrieth no burthen as a Horse doth; that which he doth, is only to conskit, spoil and defile all, which is the cause wherefore he hath of all men mocks, frum∣peries and bastonadoes.

After the same manner a Monk (I mean those little, idle lazie Monks) do not labour and work, as do the Peasant and Artificer, doth not ward and defend the Countrey, as doth the Souldier cureth not the sick and diseased, as the Physician doth; doth neither preach nor teach, as do the Evangelical Doctors and Schoolmasters; doth not import commodities and things necessary for the Com∣mon-wealth, as the Merchant doth; therefore ••s it, that by, and of, all Men they are hoo∣ted at, hated and abhorred. Yea, but (said Grangousier,) they pray to God for us. Nothing less (answered Gargantua:) True it is, with a tingle tangle, jangling of bells they trouble and disquiet all their neighbours about them. Right (said the Monk) a Mass, a Matine, a Vesper well rung and half said. They mumble out great store of Legends and Psalms, by them not at all understood: they say many Pa••enotres, interlarded with ave-maries, with∣out thinking upon, or apprehending the mean∣ing of, what it is they say, which truly I call mocking of God, and not Prayers. But so help them God, as they Pray for us, and not

for being afraid to lose their Victuals, their Manchots, and good fat Pottage. All true Christians, of all estates and conditions, in all Places and at all times send up their Pray∣ers to God and the Spirit; prayeth and in∣tercedeth for them, and God is gracious to them. Now such a one is our good Friar Ihon, therefore every Man desireth to have him in his company, he is no bigot, he is not for division; he is an honest Heart, plain, re∣solute, good Fellow, he travels, he labours, he defends the oppressed, comforts the afflicted helps the needy and keeps the Close of the Abbey: Nay (said the Monk) I do a great deal more then that; for whilest we are in dispatching our Matines and Anniversaries, in the Quire; I make withal, some crosse bow∣strings, polish glasse-Bottles and Boults; I twist Lines and weave purse-Nets, wherein to catch coneys. I am never idle; but Hola, Fill, Fill, some Drink, some Drink, here bring the Fruit; these Chestnuts are of the Wood of Estrox, and with good new Wine, will make you a Composer of Bumsonnets. You are not yet well liquor'd; by G— I drink at all Fords like a Promoters horse. Fri∣ar Ihon (said Gymnast) take away the snot that hangs at your Nose. Ha, ha (said the Monk) am not I in danger of drowning, seeing I am in water even to the Nose? No, no, quare? quia, tho' it comes out thence abundantly, yet there

never goes in any; for it is well antidoted with Syrrup of the Vine.

O my friend, he that hath winter-boots made of such leather, may boldly fish for Oy∣sters, for they will never take Water. What is the cause (said Gargantua) that Friar Ihon hath such a goodly Nose? Because (said Grangousi∣er) that God would have it so, who frameth us in such form, and for such end, as is most a∣greable to his divine Will, even as a Potter fashioneth his Vessels. Because (said Ponocra∣tes) he came with the first to the Fair of Noses, and therefore made choice of the fairest and and the greatest. Pish (said the Monk) that is not the reason of it, but, according to the true Monastical Philosophy, it is because my Nurse had soft teats, by vertue whereof, whilst she gave me suck, my nose did sink in as in so much Butter. The hard Breasts of Nurses make children short-nosed. But hey gay, Ad formam nasi cognoscitur ad te levavi. I am for no sweet Stuff with my Tipple, Boy; Item, rather some tosts.

CHAP. XLI. How the Monk made Gargantua sleep, and of his Hours and Breviaries.

SUpper being ended, they consulted of the business in hand, and concluded that a∣bout midnight they should fall unawares up∣on the enemy, to know what manner of watch and ward they kept; and in the mean while take a little rest, the better to refresh them∣selves. But Gargantua could not sleep by any means, on which side soever he turned himself. Whereupon the Monk said to him, I never sleep soundly, but when I am at Sermon or Pray∣ers. Let us therefore begin, you and I, the seven penitential Psalms, to try whether you shall not quickly fall asleep. The conceit pleased Gargantua very well, and beginning the first of these Psalms, as soon as they came to Be∣ati quorum, they fell asleep both the one and the other. But the Monk for his being for∣merly accustomed to the hour of Claustral ma∣tines, failed not to awake a little before mid∣night, and being up himself awaked all the rest, in singing aloud, and with a full clear voice, the song,

Awake, O Reinian, awake; Awake, O Reinian, Ho▪

Get up for a Pot and a Cake; With a diddle dum, diddle dum, do.

When they were all rowsed and up, he said, My Masters, it is a usual saying, that we begin Matines with coughing, and supper with drinking; let us now (in doing clean contrari∣ly) begin our Matines, with drinking, and at Night before supper, we shall cough as hard as we can. What? (said Gargantua) to drink so soon after sleep, this is not to live by the rule of Physicians; for you ought first to scour and cleanse your stomac of all its superfluities: O rot your Physicians, said the Monk, a hundred devils leap into my body, if there be not more old Drunkards, then old Physicians. I have made this paction and covenant with my Appetite, that it always lieth down, and goes to Bed with me (for of that I take very good care) and then it also riseth with me the next Morning, tend your cures as much as you will, I will get me to my tiring. What tiring do you mean (said Gargan∣tua?) My Breviary (said the Monk) for just as the Falconers, before they feed their Hawks, do make them tire at a hens leg, to purge their Brains of flegm, and sharpen them to a good Appetite; so by taking this jolly little Brevi∣ary, in the Morning I scour all my Lungs, and find my self ready to drink.

After what manner (said Gargantua) do you say these belly heures of yours? After the man∣ner

of Whipfield, said the Monk, by three Psalms, and three Lessons, or nothing at all, he that will. I never tye my self to hours, les heures are made for the Man, and not the Man for les heures; therefore is it that I make my Prayers in fashion of stirrup-leathers; I shor∣ten or lengthen them when I think good. Bre∣vis Oratio penetrat coelos, & long a potatio evacuat Scyphos.

Where is that written? by my faith (said Ponocrates) I cannot tell, my Pillicock, but thou art worth gold; like you Sir, said the Monk; but venite, apotemus. Then made they ready rashers on the Coals in abundance, and good fat Brewis with Sippets; and the Monk drank at pleasure. Some kept him company, and did as he did; others let it alone. Afterwards e∣very Man began to arm and equip himself for battle, and they armed the Monk against his Will; for he desired no other Armour for Back and Breast, but his frock, nor any other weapon in his hand, but the staff of the Cross; yet at their pleasure was he armed cap a-pe, and mounted upon one of the best Horses in the Kingdom, with a good slashing sable by his side, together with him were Gargantua, Pono∣crates, Gymnast, Eudemon, and five and twenty more of the most resolute and adventurous of Grangousier's house, all armed at proof with their lances in their hands, mounted like St. George, and every one of them having a har∣quebuse behind him.

CHAP. XLII. How the Monk encouraged his Fellow-Champions, and how he hanged upon a Tree.

THus went out those valiant Champi∣ons on their adventure, in full reso∣lution, to know what enterprise they should undertake and what to be aware of, in the day of the great and horrible battle. And the Monk encouraged them saying, my Children do not fear, nor doubt, I will conduct you safely: God and Sanct Benedict be with us. If I had strength answerable to my courage, by sdeath I would plume them for you like ducks. I fear nothing but the great Ordnance; yet I know a Prayer, which the subsexton of our Abby taught me, that will preserve a man from the violence of guns and all man∣ner of fire engines; but it will do me no good, because I do not believe it. However, my staff of the Cross, will be the devil Parblen, who∣ever is a Duck, amongst you, I give my self to the Devil, if I do not make a Monk of him in my stead, and hamper him within my Frock; which is a cure for cowardise.

Did you never hear of my Lord Meurles his Grey-Hound, which was not worth a straw in the fields; he put a Frock about his

neck, by the body of G— there was neither Hare nor Fox that could escape him, and which is more, he lined all the bitches in the Country, though before that he was fee∣ble-reined, and ex frigidis & Maleficiatis.

The Monk uttering these words in choler, as he past under a walnut-Tree, in his way towards the Causey, he broached the vizor of his Helmet, on the stump of a great branch of the Tree; nevertheless, he set his spurs so fiercely to the Horse, who was full of mettle and quick on the spur, that he bounded forwards and the Monk going about to ungrap∣ple his vizor, let go his hold of the bridle and so hanged by his hand upon the bough, whilest his horse stole away from under him. By this means was the Monk left, hanging on the walnut-Tree, and crying for help, murther, murther, swearing also that he was betrayed. Eudemon, perceived him first and calling Gargantua, said, Sir, come and see Absalom hanging. Gargantua being come, con∣sidered the countenance of the Monk, and in what posture he hanged; wherefore he said to Eudemon, You were mistaken in comparing him to Absalom; for Absalom hung by his Hair, but this shaveling Monk hangeth by the Ears. Help me (said the Monk▪) in the devils Name, is this a time for you to flout, you seem to me the decretalist Preachers, who say, that whosoever shall see his neighbour in danger of death, ought upon pain of trisulk excommuni∣cation,

rather to admonish him to make Confession and put his Conscience in the state of Grace, then to help him.

And therefore when I shall see them fallen into a river, and ready to be drowned, in∣stead of lending them my hand and pulling them out, I shall make them a fine long Sermon de contemptu mundi, & fuga seculi, and when they are stark dead, then go go fish for them. Be quiet (said Gymnast) and stir not, my Minion; I am now coming to unhang thee, for thou art a pretty little gentle Mona∣chus, Monachus, in claustro non valet ova duo, sed quando est extra bene valet triginta. I have seen above five hundred hanged, but I ne∣ver saw any hang with so good a Grace; truly if I had so good a one, I would willingly hang thus all my life-time. What (said the Monk) have you almost done preaching? help me in the name of God, seeing you will not in the name of the other spirit, or by the habit which I wear, you shall repent it, tempore & loco praelibatis.

Then Gymnast alighted from his horse, and climbing up the walnut-Tree, lifted up the Monk with one hand, by the gushets of his Armour under the Arm-pits, and with the other undid his Vizor from the stump of the broken Branch, which done, he let him fall to the Ground, and himself after. As soon as the Monk was down, he put off all his Armor, and threw away one piece

after another about the Field, and taking to him again his Staff of the Cross, remounted up to his Horse, which Eudemon had caught in his running away. Then went they on merrily, riding on the high way.

CHAP. XLIII. How the Scouts and fore-Party of Pi∣crochole were met with by Gar∣gantua, and how the Monk slew Captain Drawforth, and then was taken Prisoner by his Enemies.

PIcrochole at the relation of those who had escaped out of the broil and defeat, wherein Tripet was untriped, grew very an∣gry that the Devils should have so run upon his Men, and held all that night a Counsel of War,* 2.1 at which Rashcalf and Touchfaucet concluded his power to be such, that he was able to defeat all the Devils of Hell, if they should come to justle with his Forces. This Picrochole did not fully be∣lieve, though he doubted not much of it. Therefore sent he under the command and conduct of the Count Drawforth, for discove∣ring of the Country, the number of sixteen

hundred Horsemen, all well-mounted upon light Horses for skirmish, and throughly be∣sprinkled with Holy Water; and every one for their cognizance had a Star in his Scarf, to serve at all adventures, in case they should happen to encounter with Devils; that by the Vertue, as well of that Gregorian Water, as of the Stars, they might make the Devils disappear and vanish.

In this Equipage, they made an excursion upon the Country, till they came near to Vauguyon, and to the Hospital, but could never find any body to speak unto; whereupon they returned a little back, and by chance in a Shepherds Cottage near to Coudray, they found five Pilgrims; these they carried away bound and manacled, as if they had been Spies, for all the Exclamations, Adjurations and Requests that they could make. Being come down from thence towards Seville, they were heard by Gargantua, who said then unto those that were with him; Camerades and Fellow Souldiers, we have here met with an Encounter, and they are ten times in number more than we: Shall we charge them or no? What a Devil (said the Monk) shall we do else? Do you esteem Men by their number, rather than by their valour and prowess? With this he cried out, Charge, Devils, charge. Which when the Enemies heard, they thought certainly that they had been very Devils, and therefore even then began

all of them to run away as hard as they could drive, Draw-forth only excepted, who imme∣diately settled his Lance on its rest, and therewith hit the Monk with all his force on the very middle of his Breast, but coming a∣gainst his horrific Frock, the point of the Iron, being with the blow either broke off or blun∣ted, it was in matter of Execution, as if you had struck against an Anvil with a little Wax-candle. Then did the Monk with his Staff of the Cross give him such a sturdy thump and whirret betwixt his Neck and Shoulders, upon the Acromion bone, that he made him lose both sense and motion, and fall down stone dead at his Horses feet. And seeing the Star which he wore on his Scarf, he said unto Gargantua, these Men are but Priests, which is but the beginning of a Monk, by St. Ihon, I am a perfect Monk, I will kill them like flies. Then ran he after them at a swift and full Gallop, till he overtook the Reer, and felled them down like Tree-leaves, striking athwart and alongst and every way. Gymnast presently asked Gargantua if they should pursue them. To whom Gargantua answered, by no means; for, according to right military Discipline, you must never drive your Enemy unto Despair. For that such a strait doth multiply his Force, and encrease his Courage, which was before broken and cast down. Neither is there any better help for Men that are out of heart, toiled and

spent, then to hope for no Favour at all. How many Victories have been taken out of the Hands of the Victors by the vanquish'd, when they would not rest satisfied with rea∣son, but attempt to put all to the Sword, and totally to destroy all their Enemies, without leaving so much as one to carry home News of the defeat of his Fellows. Open there∣fore unto your Enemies all the Gates and Ways, and make to them a bridge of Silver rather then fail, that you may be rid of them. Yea, but (said Gymnast) they have the Monk: Have they the Monk? (said Gargantua) Upon mine honour then it will prove to their cost: But to prevent all dangers, let us not yet re∣treat, but halt here quietly; for I think I do already understand the Policy of our Enemies, they are truly more directed by Chance and meer Fortune, then by good Advice and Counsel. In the mean while, whilst these made a stop under the Walnut-trees, the Monk pursued on the Chase, charging all he over∣took, and giving quarter to none, until he met with a Trooper, who carried behind him one of the poor Pilgrims, and there would have rifled him. The Pilgrim, in hope of relief at the sight of the Monk, cry∣ed out, Ha, my Lord Prior, my good Friend, my Lord Prior, save me, I beseech you, save me. Which words being heard by those that rode in the Van, they instantly fac'd a∣bout, and seeing there was no body but the

Monk that made this great havock and slaugh∣ter among them, they lodged him with blows as thick as they use to do an Ass with Wood: But of all this he felt nothing, especially when they struck upon his Frock, his Skin was so hard. Then they committed him to two of the Marshal's Men to keep, and looking about, saw no body coming against them, whereupon they thought that Gargantua and his Party were fled. Then was it that they rode as hard as they could towards the Wal∣nut-Trees to meet with them, and left the Monk there all alone, with his two foresaid Men to guard him. Gargantua heard the noise and neighing of the Horses, and said to his Men, Camerades, I hear the track and beating of the Enemies Horse-feet, and with∣al perceive that some of them come in a Troop and full Body against us; let us rally and close here, then set forward in order, and by this means we shall be able to re∣ceive their Charge, to their loss and our honour.

CHAP. XLIV. How the Monk rid himself of his Keepers, and how Picrochole's For∣lorn Hope was defeated.

THE Monk seeing them break off thus without Order, conjectured that they were to set upon Gargantua and those that were with him, and was wonderfully grieved that he could not succour them. Then con∣sidered he the countenance of the two Keepers in whose custody he was, who would have willingly run after the Troops to get some Booty and Plunder, and were always looking towards the Valley unto which they were going. Farther, he Syllogised, saying, These Men are but badly skilled in matters of War, for they have not required my Pa∣rol; neither have they taken my Sword from me. Suddenly hereafter he drew his long Sword, wherewith he gave the Keeper which held him, on the right side such a sound slash, that he cut clean through the jugu∣larie veins, and the sphagitid arteries of the neck with the gargareon, even unto the two Adenes, and redoubling the blow, he opened the spinal marrow betwixt the second and the third vertebrae; there fell down that Keeper stark dead to the ground. Then the Monk reining

his Horse to the left, ran upon the other, who seeing his fellow dead, and the Monk to have the advantage of him, cried with a loud Voice, Ha, my Lord Prior, quarter; I yield, my Lord Prior, quarter, quarter; my good Friend, my Lord Prior: And the Monk cried likewise, My Lord Posterior, my Friend, my Lord Posterior, you shall have it upon your Posteriorums. Ha, said the Keeper, my Lord Prior, my dear Lord Prior, I pray God make you an Abbot. By the Habit (said the Monk) which I wear, I will here make you a Cardinal. What do you use to pay Ransoms to Religious Men? You shall have by and by, a red Hat of my giving: And the fellow cryed, Ha, my Lord Prior, my Lord Prior, my Lord Abbot that shall be my Lord Cardinal, my Lord All. Ha, ha, hes, no my Lord Prior, my good little Lord the Prior, I yield, render and deliever my self up to you. And I deliver thee (said the Monk) to all the Devils in Hell; then at one stroak he struck off his Head; cutting his Scalp upon the Temple-bones, and lifting up the two bones Bregmatis, together with the sagittal Commissure, as also a great part of the Coronal Bone; by which terrible blow like∣wise he cut the two Meninges, and made a deep wound in the two posterior Ventricles of the Brain; so that the Cranium abode hang∣ing upon his Shoulders, by the Skin of the Pericranium behind, in form of a Doctor's

Bonnet, black without and red within. Thus fell he down also to the ground stark dead.

And presently the Monk gave his Horse the Spur, and kept the way that the Enemy held, who had met with Gargantua and his Companions in the broad High-way, and were so diminished of their number, for the enormous slaughter that Gargantua had made with his great Tree amongst them, as also Gymnast, Ponocrates, Eudemon and the rest, that they began to retreat disorderly and in great haste, as Men altogether affrighted and troubled in both Sense and Understanding; and as if they had seen the very proper Spe∣cies and Form of Death before their Eyes. Or rather as when you see an Ass with a brizze under his Tail, or Fly that stings him, run hither and thither without keeping any path or way, throwing down his load to the ground, breaking his Bridle and Reins, and taking no breath nor rest, and no Man can tell what ails him, for they see not any thing touch him. So fled these People, destitute of Wit, without knowing any cause of flying, only pursued by a panic terror, which in their minds they had conceived. The Monk per∣ceiving that their whole intent was to betake themselves to their Heels, alighted from his Horse, and got upon a big large Rock, which was in the way, and with his great Brackmard Sword laid such load upon those runaways, and with main strength fetching a

compass with his Arm without feigning or sparing, slew and overthrew so many, that his Sword broke in two pieces. Then thought he within himself that he had slain and killed sufficiently, and that the rest should escape to carry News. Therefore he took up a battle-ax of those that lay there dead, and got upon the Rock again, passing his time to see the Enemy thus flying, and to tumble himself amongst the dead Bodies, only that he suffered none to carry Pike, Sword, Lance nor Gun with him, and those who carried the Pilgrims bound, he made to alight, and gave their Horses unto the said Pilgrims, keeping them there with him under the Hedge, and also Touchefaucet, who was then his Prisoner.

CHAP. XLV. How the Monk carried along with him the Pilgrims, and of the good words that Grangousier gave them.

THIS Skirmish being ended, Gargantua retreated with his Men, excepting the Monk, and about the dawning of the day they came unto Grangousier, who in his Bed was praying unto God for their Safety and Victory. And seeing them all safe and sound,

he embraced them lovingly, and asked what was become of the Monk? Gargantua answer∣ed him, that without doubt the Enemies had the Monk? Then have they mischief and ill luck, said Grangousier, which was very true. Therefore is it a common Proverb to this day▪ To give a Man the Monk. Then com∣manded he a good Breakfast to be provided for their refreshment. When all was ready, they called Gargantua, but he was so aggrieved that the Monk was not to be heard of, that he would neither eat nor drink. In the mean while the Monk comes, and from the Gate of the outer Court cries out aloud, Fresh Wine, fresh Wine, Gymnast, my Friend. Gymnast went out and saw that it was Frier Ihon, who brought along with him five Pilgrims, and Touchefaucet Prisoners. Whereupon Gargantua likewise went forth to meet him, and all of them made him the best welcom that possibly they could, and brought him before Grangou∣sier, who asked him of all his adventures. The Monk told him all, both how he was taken, how he rid himself of his Keepers, of the slaughter he had made by the way, and how he had rescued the Pilgrims, and brought along with him Captain Touchefaucet. Then did they altogether fall to banqueting most merrily. In the mean time Grangousier asked the Pilgrims what Countrymen they were, whence they came, and whither they went? Sweertogo in the name of the rest answered,

My Sovereign Lord, I am of Saint Genou in Berry, this Man is of Patvau, this other is of Onzay, this of Argy, and this Man of Ville∣brenin. We came from Saint Sebastian near Nantes, and are now returning, as we best may, by easie Journeys. Yea, but said Gran∣gousier, what went you to do at St. Sebastian? We went (said Sweertogo) to offer up unto that Sanct our Vows against the Plague. Ah poor Men (said Grangousier) do you think that the Plague comes from St. Sebastian? Yes truly (answered Sweertogo) our Preachers tell us so indeed. But is it so? said Grangousier. Do the false Prophets teach you such abuses? Do they thus blaspheme the Sancts and Holy Men of God, as to make them like unto the De∣vils, who do nothing but hurt unto Man∣kind? as Homer writeth, that the Plague was sent into the Camp of the Greeks by Apollo; and as the Poets feign a great rabble of Ve∣joves and mischievous Gods. So did a cer∣tain old Hypocrite Preach at Sinay, that Saint Antony sent the fire into Mens Legs; that Saint Eutropius made Men hydropic; St. Clida••, Fools; and that St. Genou made them goutish. But I punished him so exemplarily, though he called me Heretic for it, that since that time no such Hypocritical Rogue durst set his Foot within my Territories. And truly I wonder that your King should suffer them in their Sermons to publish such scandalous Do∣ctrin in his Dominions. For they deserve to

be chastised with greater severity then those who by Magical Art, or any other Device, have brought the Pestilence into a Country▪ the Pest killeth but the Bodies, but such abo∣minable Impostors empoison our very Souls. As he spake these words, in came the Monk very resolute; and asked them, whence are you, you poor Wretches? of St. Genou (said they.) And how (said the Monk) doth the Abbot Gullicut, that true toaper, and the Monks, what cheer make they? Morbleau, they'll have a fling at your Wives, whilst you are upon your gadding Pilgrimage. Hin, hen (said Sweertogo) I am not afraid of mine; for he that shall see her by day, will never break his Neck to come to her in the night∣time. Yea marry (said the Monk) now you have hit it; let her be as ugly as ever was Proserpina, she will not keep her Arse dry, if there dwell any Monks near her. For a good Carpenter will make use of any kind of Timber. Let me be pepper'd with the Pox, if you find not all your Wives with Child at your re∣turn: For the very shadow of an Abbey-steeple is prolific.

It is (said Gargantua) like the Water of Nilus in Egypt, if you believe Strabo and Pliny, lib. 7. cap 3. What Vertue will there be then in their Bullets of Concupiscence, their Habits and their Bodies?

Then (said Grangousier) go your ways, poor Men in the Name of God the Creator,

to whom I pray to guide you perpetually▪ and henceforward be not so ready to under∣take these idle and unprofitable Journeys. Look to your Families, labour every Man in his vocation, instruct your Children, and live as the good Apostle St. Paul directeth you. In doing whereof, God, his Angels and Sancts will guard and protect you, and no Evil or Plague at any time shall befal you.

Then Gargantua led them into the Hall to take their Refection; but the Pilgrims did nothing but sigh, and said to Gargantua; O how happy is that Land which hath such a Man for their Lord! We have been more edified and instructed by the talk which he hath had with us, then by all the Sermons that ever were preached in our Town. This is (said Gargantua) that which Plato saith, lib. 5. de Republ. That those Commonwealths are happy, whose Rulers Philosophize, and whose Philoso∣phers Rule. Then caused he their Wallets to to be filled with Victuals, and their Bottles with Wine, and gave unto each of them a Horse to ease them upon the way, together with some Pence to live upon.

CHAP. XLVI. How Grangousier did very kindly enter∣tain Touchefaucet his Prisoner.

TOuchefaucet was presented unto Gran∣gousier, and by him examined upon the enterprise and attempt of Picrochole, what it was he could pretend to, by this tumultuary invasion; whereunto he answered, that his end and purpose was to conquer all the Country, if he could, for the injury done to his Cake bakers. It is too great an underta∣king said Grangousier and (as the Proverb is.) He that gripes too much holds fast but little; the time is not now so to conquer Kingdoms, to the loss of our nearest Christian brother, this imitation of the ancient Herculeses, Alex∣anders, Hannibals, Scipios, Caesars and other such Heroes, is quite contrary to the Profession of the Gospel of Christ, by the which we are commanded to preserve, keep, rule and govern every Man his own Country and Lands, and not in a hostile manner to In∣vade others, and that which heretofore the Saracens and Barbarians called Prowess, we do now call Robbery and Wickedness. It would have been more commendable in him to have contained himself within the bounds of his own territories, royally geverning them

then to insult and domineer in mine, pillaging and plundering every where, for by ruling his own with discretion, he might have increast his greatness, but by robbing me he cannot escape des∣truction. Go your ways in the name of God, do what is righteous; shew your King what is amiss, and never counsel him with regard unto your own particular profit for with the public will also be swallowed up the private. As for your ransom, I do freely remit it to you and will that your Armes and Horse be restored to you; so should good neighbours do and ancient friends, seeing this our difference is not properly War, as Plato, lib. 5. de repub. would not have it called War but Sedition not when the Greeks took up Arms against one another, and therefore when such combustions should arise, his advice was to behave themselves with all discretion and modesty. Although you call it War, it is but superficial; it entereth not into the in∣most cabinet of our hearts; for neither of us hath been wronged in his honour, nor is there any question betwixt us in the main; but only how to redress, by the by, some pretty faults committed by our Men; I mean, both yours and ours, which although you knew, you ought to let pass; for these quar∣relsom persons deserve rather to be contem∣ned then mention'd, especially seing I offered them satisfaction according to the wrong.

God shall be the just Judge of our vari∣ances,

whom I beseech by death, rather to take me out of this Life, and to permit my goods to perish and be destroyed before mine Eyes, then that by me or mine he should in any sort be wronged. These words uttered, he called the Monk, and before them all spoke thus unto him: Friar Ihon, my good friend, is it you that took Prisoner the Captain Touch∣faucet here present? Sir, said the Monk, seing himself is here and that he is of the Years of discretion, I had rather you should know it by his confession then by any words of mine. Then said Touchfaucet, my Sovereign Lord it is he indeed that took me, and I do therefore most freely yield my self his Prisoner. Have you put him to any ransom, said Grangousier to the Monk? No (said the Monk,) of that I take no care: How much would you have, for having taken him? nothing, nothing said the Monk? I am not swayed by that, nor do I regard it. Then Grangousier com∣manded, that in presence of Touchfaucet, should be delivered to the Monk for taking him, the some of threescore and two thou∣sand saluts, which was done, whilst they made a colation to the said Touchfaucet; of whom Grangousier asked, if he would stay with him, or if he loved rather to return to his King. Touchfaucet answered, that he was content to take whatever course he would advise him to: Then said Grangousier) return unto your King, and, God be with you.

Then gave him an excellent Sword a Vienna blade, with a golden scabbard wrought with Vine-branch▪ like flourishes, of fine Goldsmiths work, and a Coller of gold, weighing seven hundred and two thousand marks garnished, with precious stones of the finest sort, esteemed at a hundred and sixty thousand Ducats, and ten thousand Crowns more, as an honourable present.

After this talk, Touchfaucet got to his Horse, and Gargantua for his safety allowed him the guard of thirty Men at Arms, and six score Archers to attend him, under the conduct of Gymnast, to bring him even unto the gate of the rock Clermond, if there were need. Assoon as he was gone, the Monk restored unto Grangousier the threescore and two thousand Saluts, which he had receiv'd, saying, Sir it is not as yet the time for you to give such gifts, stay till this War be at an end, for none can tell what accidents may occur, and War begun without good provision of Mony before-hand is but a as blast that will quickly pass away: Coin is the sinews of War. Well then (said Grangousier) at the end I will con∣tent you by some honest recompence; as also all those who shall do me good service.

CHAP. XLVII. How Grangousier sent for his Legions and how Touchfaucet slew Rashcalf, and was afterwards executed by the command of Pricochole.

ABout this same time those of Bess of the old Market, of St. Iames bourg, of the Draggage, of Parille, of the Rivers, of the Rocks St. Pol, of the Vaubreton, of Pautille, of the Brahemont, of Clainbridge, of Cravant, of Grammount, of the Town at the Badgerholes, of Hu••mes, of Serge, of Husse, of St. Livant, of Panzoust, of the Coldraux, of Vernon, of Coulaines, of Chose, of Varenes, of Bourgueil, of the Bouchard Claud, of the Croulay, of Narsie, of Cand, of Monsoreau and other bor∣dering places, sent Ambassadors unto Gran∣gousier, to tell him that they were advised of the great wrongs which Picrochole had done him; and in regard of their Ancient Confe∣deracy, offered him what assistance they could afford, both in Men, Money, Victuals and Ammunition and other necessaries for War. The mony which by the joynt agreement of them all was sent unto him, amounted to sixscore and fourteen Millions, two Crowns and a half of pure Gold.

The forces wherewith they did assist him,

did consist in fifteen thousand Cuirasiers, two and thirty thousand light Horsemen, fourscore and nine thousand Dragoons and a hundred and fourty thousand Voluntier Adventurers. These had with them a eleven thousand and two hundred Cannons, double Cannons, Ba∣silisks, and of Pioneers they had seven and fourty thousand all Victualled and pay'd for six Months and four Days of advance; which offer Gargantua did not altogether re∣fuse, nor wholly accept of; but giving them hearty thanks, said, that he would compound and order the War by such a device, that there should not be found great need to put so many honest Men to trouble, in the Mana∣ging of it. And therefore was content, at that time to give order only for bringing a∣long the Legions, which he maintained at his ordinary Garison-Towns of the Deerni∣ere, Chavignie, of Granot, and of Quinquenais, amounting to the number of two thousand Cuirasiers, threescore and six thousand Foot-Souldires, six and twenty thousand Dragoons, attended by two hundred pieces of great Ord∣nance, two and twenty thousand Pioneers, and six thousand light Horsemen, all drawn up in Troops, so well befitted and accom∣modated with their commissaries, sutlers, ferri∣ers, harness-makers, and other such like neces∣sary Members in a military Camp; so fully instructed in the Art of Warfare, so perfect∣ly knowing and following their colours, so

ready to hear and obey their Captains, so nimble to run, so strong at their charging so prudent in their adventures, and every Day so well Disciplined, that they seemed ra∣ther to be a consort of Organ pipes, or mu∣tual concord of the Wheels of a Clock, then an Infantry and Cavalry, or Army of Souldiers.

Touchfaucet immediately after his return, presen••ed himself before Picrochole, and related unto him at large all that he had done and seen, and at last endeavoured to per∣swade him with strong and forcible argu∣ments to capitulate and make an agreement with Grangousier, whom he found to be the honestest Man in the World, saying further, that it was neither right nor reason thus to trouble his Neighbours, of whom they never received any thing but good; and in regard of the main Point, that they should never be able to go through stitch with that War, but to their great Damage and Mischief; for the Forces of Picrochole were not so considerable, but that Grangousier could easily overthrow them.

He had not well done speaking, when Rashcalf said out aloud; Unhappy is that Prince, which is by such Men served, who are so easily corrupted as I know Touchfaucet is; for I see his courage so Changed, that he had willingly joyned with our enemies to fight against us and betray us, if they would have receiv'd him, but as Vertue is

of all, both Friends and Foes, praised and esteemed; so is Wickedness soon known and suspected; and although it happen the Ene∣mies do make use thereof for their profit yet have they always the wicked, and the Traitors in abomination.

Touchfaucet being at these words very im∣patient drew out his sword, and therewith ran Rashcalf through the body, a little un∣der the Nipple of his left side, whereof he died presently, and pulling back his Sword out of his Body, said Boldly, So let him perish that shall a faithful servant blame, Picrochole incontinently grew furious, and seeing Touch∣faucets new Sword and his scabbard so richly Diapred with flourishes of most excellent Workmanship, said, Did they give thee this Weapon, so Felloniously therewith to kill before my Face, my so good friend Rash∣calf? then immediately command'd he his Guard to hew him in peices, which was instantly done, and that so cruelly, that the Chamber was all died with Blood: Afterwards he appointed the Corps of Rashcalf to be honourably, bury'd and that of Touchfaucet to be cast over the Wall into the Ditch.

The news of these Excessive Violences were quickly spread through all the Army; whereupon many began to murmur against Picrochole, Insofar, that Pinchpennie said to him, My sovereign Lord, I know not what the Issue of this enterprise will be; I see your

Men much dejected and not well resolved in their Minds, by considering that we are here very ill provided of Victuals, and that our number is already much deminished by three or four Sallies: Furthermore, great Supplies and Recruits come daily into your Enemies; but we so moulder away, that if we be once Besieg'd, I do not see how we can escape a total destruction. Tush, pish (said Picrochole) you are like the Melun Eeles, you cry before they come to you: Let them come, let them come, if they dare,

CHAP. XLVIII. How Gargantua set upon Picrochole, within the Rock Clermond, and ut∣terly defeated the Army of the said Picrochole.

GArgantua had the Charge of the whole Army, and his Father Grangousier stayed in his Castle; who encouraging them with good Words, promised great rewards unto those that should do any notable service. Assoon as they had gained the Ford of Vede, Boats and Bridges speedily made, they past over in a trice; then considering the scituati∣on of the Town, which was on a high and advantageous place, Gargantua thought fit to

call his Counsel, and pass that night in deli∣beration upon what was to be done: But Gymnast said unto him, My sovereign Lord, such is the Nature and Complexion of the French, that they are worth nothing, but at the first push. Then are they more fierce then De∣vils; but if they be wearied with delays, they prove more faint then Women; my Opini∣on is therefore, that now presently after your Men have taken breath, and some small re∣fection, you give Order for a resolute Assault. The advice was found very good, and for effectuating thereof, he brought forth his Army into the plain Field, and placed the reserves on the Skirt or Rising of a little Hill. The Monk took along with him six Companies of Foot and two hundred Horse∣men well armed and with great dilligence crossed the Marish, and valiantly got up to the top of the green Hillock, even to the High-way which leads to Loudin. Whilst the assault was thus begun, Picrochole's Men could not tell well which was best to Issue out, and receive the Assailants, or keep within the Town and not to stir: Himself in the mean time without deliberation, sallied forth in a rage with the Cavalry of his Guard, who were forthwith received and royally entertain∣ed with great Cannon-shot, that fell upon them like hail from the high grounds, on which the Artillery was planted; whereupon the Gargantuists betook themselves unto the

Valleys, to give the Ordnance leave to play and range with the larger scope.

Those of the Town defended themselves as well as they could, but their shot past o∣ver, without doing any hurt at all. Some of Picrocholes Men that had escaped our Ar∣tillery, set most fiercely upon our Souldiers, but prevailed little; for they were all let in betwixt the Files, and there knock'd down to the Ground. Which their Fellow Souldiers seeing, they would have retreated, but the Monk having seized upon the Pass, by the which they were to return, they run away and fled in all the Disorder and Confusion that could be imagined.

Some would have pursued after them, and followed the Chase, but the Monk withheld-them, apprehending that in their pursuit the Pursuers might lose their ranks, and so give occasion to the Besieged to sally out of the Town upon them. Then staying there some space, and none coming against him, he sent the Duke Phrontist, to advise Gargantua to ad∣vance towards the Hill upon the left hand, to hinder Picrochole's retreat at that Gate; which Gargantua did with all Expedition, and sent thither four Brigades under the conduct of Sebast, which had no sooner reach'd the top of the Hill, but they met Picrochole in the Teeth, and those that were with him scat∣tered.

Then charged they upon them stoutly,

yet were they much indamaged by those that were upon the Walls, who galled them with all manner of Shot, both from the great Ordnance, small Guns and Bows. Which Gargantua perceiving, he went with a strong Party to their relief, and with his Artillery began to thunder so terribly upon that Can∣ton of the Wall, and so long, that all the strength within the Town, to maintain and fill up the Breach, was drawn thither. The Monk seeing that quarter which he kept be∣sieged, void of Men and competent Guards, and in a manner altogether naked and aban∣doned, did most magnanimously on a sud∣den lead up his Men towards the Fort, and never left it till he had got up upon it, know∣ing that such as come to the reserve in a conflict, bring with them always more fear and ter∣ror, then those that deal about them with their hands in the fight.

Nevertheless he gave no Alarm till all his Souldiers had got within the Wall, except the two hundred Horsemen, whom he left without to secure his Entry. Then did he give a most horrible shout, so did all these who were with him, and immediately there∣after without resistance, putting to the edge of the Sword the guard that was at that Gate, they opened it to the Horsemen, with whom most furiously they altogether ran towards the East-gate, where all the hurly burly was, and coming close upon them in the Reer, overthrew all their Forces.

The besiged seeing that the Gargantuists had won the Town upon them, and that they were like to be secure in no corner of it, submitted themselves unto the mercy of the Monk, and asked for quarter, which the Monk very nobly granted to them, yet made them lay down their Arms. Then shutting them up within Churches, gave order to seize upon all the Staves of the Crosses, and placed Men at the Doors to keep them from coming forth. Then opening the East-gate, he issued out to succour and assist Gargantua. But Pi∣crochole thinking it had been some Relief co∣ming to him from the Town, adventured more forwardly than before, and was upon the giving of a most desperate Home charge, when Gargantua cried out, Ha, Friar Ihon, my Friend Friar Ihon, you are come in a good hour; which unexpected accident so affrighted Picrochole and his Men, that gi∣ving all for lost, they betook themselves to their Heels, and fled on all Hands. Gargantua chased them till they came near to Vaugaudry, killing and slaying all the way, and then sounded the retreat.

CHAP. XLIX. How Picrochole in his flight fell into great Misfortunes, and what Gar∣gantua did after the Battle.

PIcrochole, thus in despair, fled towards the Bouchard Island, and in the way to Rivere his Horse stumbled and fell down, whereat he was on a sudden so incensed, that he with his Sword, without more ado, killed him in his Choler. Then not finding any other whereon to remount, he was about to have taken an Ass at the Mill that was there∣by; but the Millers Men did so baste his Bones, and so soundly bethwack'd him, that they made him both black and blew with strokes; then striping him of all his Clothes, gave him a scurvy old Canvas Jacket where∣with to cover his Nakedness. Thus went a∣long this poor choleric Wretch, who passing the Water at Porthuaux, and relating his mis∣adventurous Disasters, was foretold by an old Lourpidon Hag, that his Kingdom should be restored to him at the coming of the Cock∣licranes. What is become of him since we cannot certainly tell; yet was I told that he is now a Porter at Lyons, as testy and cho∣relic as ever, and always with great Lamen∣tation enquiring at all strangers of the com∣ing

of the Cocklicranes, expecting assuredly (according to the old Woman's Prophesie) that at their coming he shall be re-establish'd in his Kingdom. The first thing Gargantua did after his return into the Town was to call the Muster-roll of his Men, which when he had done, he found that there were very few either kill'd or wounded, only some few Foot of Captain Tolmeres Company, and Po∣nocrates, who was shot with a Musket Ball, through the Doublet. Then he caused them all at, and in their several, Posts and Divisi∣ons, to take a little Refreshment, which was very plenteously provided for them in the best Drink and Victuals that could be had for Mo∣ney; And gave order to the Treasurers and Commissaries of the Army, to pay for, and defray that Repast, and that there should be no Outrage at all, nor Abuse committed in the Town, seeing it was his own. And fur∣thermore commanded, that immediately after the Souldiers had done with eating and drink∣ing, they should be drawn up on the Piazza before the Castle, there to receive six months pay: All which was done. After this by his direction, were brought before him, in the said place, all those that remained of Pi∣crochole's Party; unto whom in the presence of the Princes, Nobles and Officers of his Court and Army, he spoke as followeth.

CHAP. L. Gargantua's Speech to the Van∣quished.

OVR Fore fathers and Ancestors, of all times, have been of this Nature and Dis∣position, that upon the winning of a Battel, they have chosen rather for a sign and memorial of their Triumphs and Victories, to erect Trophies and Mo∣numents in the Hearts of the Vanquish'd by Cle∣mency, then by Architecture in the Lands which they had conquer'd. For they did hold in greater estimation, the lively remembrance of Men purchased by liberality, than the dumb Inscription of Arches, Pillars and Pyramids, subject to the Injury of Storms and Tempests, and to the Envy of every one. You may very well remember of the Courtesie, which by them was used towards the Bretons, in the Battle of St. Aubin of Comier, and at the demolishing of Partenay. You have heard, and hearing admire their gentle Com∣portment towards those at the Barriers of Spani∣ola, when they had plundered, wasted and ran∣sack'd the maritime Borders of Olone and Tal∣mondois. All this Hemisphere of the World was filled with the Praises and Congratulations, which your selves and your Fathers made, when Alpharbal King of Canarre, not satisfied with his own Fortunes, did most furiously invade the

Land of Onyx, and with cruel▪ Piracies molest all the Armoric Islands, and confine Regions of Britany. Yet was he in a set naval Fight justly taken and vanquished by my Father, whom God preserve and protect. But what? Whereas other Kings and Emperors, yea those who entitle themselves Catholics, would have dealt roughly with him, kept him a close Prisoner, and put him to an extream high ransom: He intreated him very courteously, lodged him kindly with him∣self in his own Palace, and out of his incredible mildness and gentle disposition sent him back with a safe Conduct, loaden with Gifts, loaden with Favours, loaden with all Offices of Friendship: What fell out upon it? Being returned into his Country, he called a Parliament, where all the Princes and States of his Kingdom being assem∣bled, he shewed them the Humanity which he had found in us, and therefore wished them to take such course by way of Compensation therein, as that the whole World might be edified by the Example, as well of their honest Graciousness to us, as of our gracious Honesty towards them. The result hereof was, that it was voted and de∣creed by an unanimous Consent, that they should offer up entirely their Lands, Dominions and Kingdoms, to be disposed of by us according to our Pleasure.

Alpharbal in his own Person, presently re∣turned with Nine Thousand and thirty eight great Ships of burden, bringing with him the Treasures, not only of his House and Royal Lineage, but al∣most

of all the Country beside. For he imbar∣king himself, to set Sail with a West-North-East Wind, every one in heaps did cast into the Ship Gold, Silver, Rings, Iewels, Spices, Drugs and Aromatical Perfumes, Parrets, Pelicans, Monkies, Civet-cats, black-spotted Weesils, Por∣cupines, &c. He was accounted no good Mo∣ther's Son, that did not cast in all the rare and precious things he had.

Being safely arrived, he came to my said Fa∣ther, and would have kist his Feet: That Action was found too submissively low, and therefore was not permitted, but in exchange, he was most cordially embraced: He offered his Presents, they were not received, because they were too excessive: He yielded himself voluntarily a Servant and Vassal, and was content his whole Posterity should be liable to the same Bondage; this was not ac∣cepted of, because it seemed not equitable. He surrendered by Vertue of the Decree of his great Parliamentary Council, his whole Countries and Kingdoms to him, offering the Deed and Con∣veyance, signed, sealed and ratified by all those that were concerned in it. This was altogether refused, and the Parchments cast into the Fire: In the end, this free-good Will and simple Meaning of the Canarriens, wrought such tenderness in my Father's Heart, that he could not abstain from shedding Tears, and wept most profusely; then by choice words very congruously adapted, strove in what he could to diminish the esti∣mation of the good offices, which he had done

them, saying, That any Courtesie he had con∣ferred upon them, was not worth a rush, and what favour so ever he had shew'd them, he was bound to do it. But so much the more did Alpharbal augment the repeat thereof: What was the Issue? whereas for his ransom in the greatest extremity of rigour and most tyrannical dealing, could not have been exacted above twenty times a hun∣dred thousand Crowns, and his eldest Sons detain'd as hostages, till that Sum had been pay'd, they made themselves perpetual tributaries, and obliged to give us every Year two millions of Gold at four and twenty Carats fine: The first Year we received the whole sum of two Millions; the second Year of their own accord, they pay'd freely to us three and twenty hundred thousand Crowns; the third Year six and twenty hundred thousand; the fourth Year three millions, and do so increase it always out of their own good will, that we shall be constrained to forbid them to bring us any more. This is the Nature of gra∣titude and true thankfulness: For time which gnaws and diminisheth all things else, augments and increaseth benefits; because a noble action of liberality done to a Man of reason doth grow con∣tinually by his generous thinking of it, and remem∣bring it.

But unwilling therefore any way to degenerate from the hereditary mildness and clemency of my Parents; I do now forgive you, set you at liberty and every way make you as frank and free as ever you were before. Moreover, at your going

out of the Gate, you shall have every one of you three Months Pay to bring you home into your Houses and Families and shall have a safe con∣voy of six hundred Cuirasiers and eight thousand Foot under the conduct of Alexander, Esquire of my body, that the Clubmen of the Country may not do you any Injury. God be with you; I am sorry from my Heart that Picrochole is not here; for I would have given him to understand, that this War was undertaken against my Will, and without any hope to increase either goods or renown; but seeing he is lost and that no Man can tell where, nor how he went away, It is my will that this Kingdom remain entire to his Son, who because he is too young (he not being yet full five Years old) shall be brought up and instructed by the ancient Princes and learned Men of the Kingdom. And because a Realm, thus desolate, may easily come to Ruin; if the covetousness and avarice of those, who by their places are obliged to administer justice in it; but not curbed and re∣strained: I ordain and will have it so, that Po∣nocrates be overseer and superintendent above all his governours, with whatever power and authority is requisite thereto and that he be continually with the Child, until he find him able and capable to rule and govern by himself.

Now I must tell you, that y••u are to understand how a too feeble and diss••lute Facility in pardo∣ning Evil-doers giveth them occasion to commit wickedness afterward more readily; upon this per∣nicious confidence of receiving favour, I consider

that Moses, the meekest Man that was in his time upon the Earth, did severely punish the mu∣tinous and seditious People of Israel. I consider likewise, that Julius Caesar, who was so gracious an Emperor, that Cicero said of him, That his Fortune had nothing more excellent than that he could, and his Vertue nothing better than that he would always save and pardon every Man. He notwithstanding all this, did in certain places, most rigorously punish the Authors of Rebellion. After the Example of these good Men, it is my Will and Pleasure, that you de∣liver over unto me before you depart hence, first, that fine Fellow Marquet, who was the prime, origin and ground-work of this War, by his vain Presumption and Overweening. Secondly, his fellow Cakebakers, who were neglective in checking and reprehending his idle hair-brain'd Humour in the instant time. And lastly, all the Counsellors, Captains, Officers and Domestics of Picrochole, who had been Incendiaries or Fomen∣ters of the War, by provoking, praising or counsel∣ling him to come out of his Limits thus to trouble us.

CHAP. LI. How the victorious Gargantuists were recompensed after the Battle.

WHen Gargantua had finished his Speech, the seditious Men whom he requir'd,

were delivered up unto him, except Swash∣buckler, Durtaille and Smaltrash, who ran a∣way six hours before the Battle; one of them as far as to Lanielneck at one course, ano∣ther to the Valley of Vire, and the third even unto Logroine, without looking back, or taking breath by the way. And two of the Cake-bakers, who were slain in the Fight. Gargantua did them no other hurt, but that he appointed them to pull at the Presses of his Printing-House, which he had newly set up. Then those who died there he caused to be honourably buried in Black-soile-Vailey, and Burn-hag-Field, and gave order that the wounded should be drest and had care of in his great Hospital or Nosocome. After this, considering the great prejudice done to the Town and its Inhabitants, he re-imbursed their Charges, and repair'd all the losses, that, by their Confession upon Oath, could appear they had sustained. And for their better De∣fence and Security in times coming, against all sudden Uproars and Invasions, command∣ed a strong Cittadel to be built there with a competent Garrison to maintain it. At his departure he did very graciously thank all the Souldiers of the Brigades, that had been at this overthrow, and sent them back to their Winter-quarters in their several Stations and Garisons. The Decumane Legion only excep∣ted, whom in the Field on that day he saw do some great Exploit, and their Captains

also, whom he brought along with himself unto Grangousier.

At the sight and coming of them, the good Man was so joyful, that it is not possi∣ble fully to describe it, He made them a Feast the most magnificent, plentiful and delicious that ever was seen since the time of the King Assuerus. At the taking up of the Table, he distributed amongst them his whole Cup∣board of Plate, which weighed Eight hundred thousand and fourteen Besants of Gold, in great antic Vessels, huge Pots, large Basins, big Tasses, Cups, Goblets, Candlesticks, comfit Boxes and other such Plate, all of pure massy Gold, besides the precious Stones, ena∣meling and workmanship, which by all Mens estimation was more worth than the matter of the Gold. Then unto every one of them out of his Coffers caused he to be given the summ of Twelve hundred thousand Crowns ready Money. And further he gave to each of them for ever and in perpetuity (unless he should happen to decease without Heirs) such Castles and neighbouring Lands of his as were most commodious for them. To Ponocrates he gave the Rock Clermond; to Gymnast, the Coudray; to Eudemon, Monpen∣sier; Rinan, to Tolmere; to Ithibolle, Montsau∣rean; to Acamas, Cande; Varenes to Chiro∣vacte; Gravot to Sebast; Quinquenais to Ale∣xander; Legre to Sophrone; and so of his other Places.

CHAP. LII. How Gargantua caused to be built for the Monk the Abbey of Theleme.

THere was left only the Monk 〈◊〉〈◊〉 ••••o∣vide for, whom Gargantua 〈…〉〈…〉 made Abbot of Seville, but he refused 〈…〉〈…〉 would have given him the Abbey of Bourgueil, or of Sanct Florent which was better, or both, if it pleased him. But the Monk gave him a very peremptory answer, that he would never take upon him the Charge nor Govern∣ment of Monks. For how shall I be able (said he) to rule over others, that have not full power and command of my self. If you think I have done you, or may hereafter do you, any ac∣ceptable Service, give me leave to found an Abbey after my own Mind and Fancy. The motion pleased Gargantua very well, who thereupon offered him all the Country of The∣leme by the River of Loire, till within two Leagues of the great Forest of Port huaut. The Monk then requested Gargantua to insti∣tute his religious Order contrary to all others. First then (said Gargantua) you must not build a Wall about your Convent, for all other Abbies are strongly walled and mured about. See (said the Monk) and without cause, where there is Mur before, and Mur behind,

there is store of Murmur, Envy and mutual Conspiracy.

Moreover, seeing there are certain Con∣vents in the World, whereof the Custom is, if any Woman come (I mean chaste and honest Women) they immediately sweep the ground which they have trod upon. There∣fore was it ordained, that if any Man or Woman entered into religious Orders, should by chance come within this new Abbey, all the Rooms should be throughly washed and cleansed through which they had passed. And because in all other Monasteries and Nunneries all is compassed, limited and regulated by Hours, it was decreed that in this new Structure there should be neither Clock nor Dial, but that according to the opportunities and incident occasions, all their Hours should be disposed of. For (said Gargantua) the greatest loss of time that I know, is, to count the Hours. What good comes of it? nor can there be any greater dotage in the World, then for one to guide and direct his Courses by the sound of a Bell, and not by his own Judgment and Dis∣cretion.

Item, Because at that time they put no Wo∣men into Nunneries, but such as were either purblind, blinkards, lame, crooked, ill-fa∣vour'd, mis-shapen, fools, senceless, spoiled or corrupt; nor encloister'd any Men, but those that were either sickly, subject to de∣fluxions, ill-bred louts, simple sots, or peevish

trouble-houses. But to the purpose (said the Monk) A Woman that is neither fair nor good, to what use serves she? To make a Nun of, said Gargantua. Yea (said the Monk) and to make shirts and smocks. Therefore was it ordained that into this Religious Order should be admitted no Women that were not fair, well featur'd, and of a sweet disposition: Nor Men that were not comely, personable and well condition'd.

Item, Because in the Convents of Women, Men come not but underhand, privily and by stealth; it was therefore enacted, that in this House there shall be no Women in case there be not Men, nor Men in case there be not Women.

Item, Because both Men and Women that are received into religious Orders after the ex∣piring of their noviciat or probation-year, were constrained and forced perpetually to stay there all the days of their life; it was therefore ordered, that all whatever, Men or Women, admitted within this Abbey, shoul have full leave to depart with peace and contentment, whensoever it should seem good to them so to do.

Item, For that the religious men and women did ordinarily make three Vows, to wit, those of Chastity, Poverty and Obedience; it was there∣fore constituted and appointed, that in this Convent they might be honourably Married, that they might be Rich, and live at Liberty.

In regard of the legitimate time of the persons to be initiated, and years under and above, which they were not capable of reception, the Women were to be admitted from ten till fifteen, and the Men from twelve to eighteen.

CHAP. LIII. How the Abbey of the Thelemites was Built and Endowed.

FOR the Fabric and Furniture of the Abbey, Gargantua caused to be deliver'd out in ready Money Seven and twenty hun∣dred thousand, eight hundred and one and thirty of those golden Rams of Berrie, which have a Sheep stamped on the one side, and a flower'd Cross on the other. And for every year, until the whole work were compleated, he allotted Threescore and nine thousand Crowns of the Sun, and as many of the Seven Stars, to be charged all upon the Receit of the Custom. For the Foundation and Main∣tenance thereof for ever, he settled a perpe∣tual Fee-farm-rent of three and twenty hun∣dred, threescore and nine thousand, five hun∣dred and fourteen Rose-Nobles, exempted from all homage, fealty, service or burden what∣soever▪ and payable every year at the Gate of the Abbey; and of this by Letters Pa••tents pas∣sed a very good Grant. The Architecture

was in a figure Hexagonal, and in such a Fa∣shion, that in every one of the six Corners there was built a great round Tower of Three∣score foot in diameter; and were all of a like form and bigness. Upon the Northside ran along the River of Loire, on the bank where∣of was scituated the Tower called Arctick. Going towards the East, there was another called Calaer; the next following Anatole▪ the next Mesembrine; the next Hesperia, and the last Criere. Every Tower was distant from other the space of Three hundred and twelve paces. The whole Aedifice was every where six stories high, reckoning the Cellars under Ground for one. The second was arch'd after the fashion of a basket-handle. The rest were seeled with pure Wainscot, flourish'd with Flanders fret-work, in the form of the foot of a Lamp; and cover'd above with fine slates, with an indorsement of Lead, carrying the antic figures of little Puppets, and Ani∣mals of all sorts, notably well suited to one another, and guilt, together with the gutters, which jetting without the Walls, from be∣twixt the cross Bars in a diagonal figure, painted with Gold and Azure, reach'd to the very ground, where they ended into great Conduit-pipes, which carried all away unto the River from under the House.

This same building was a hundred times more sumptuous and magnificent than ever was Bonnivet, Chambourg or Chantillie. For

there was in it Nine thousand three hundred and two and thirty Chambers; every one whereof had a withdrawing Room, a hand∣som Closet, a Wardrobe, an Oratory and neat passage, leading into a great and spacious Hall. Between every Tower, in the midst of the said body of Building, there was a pair of winding Stairs, whereof the Steps were part of Porphyry, part of Numidian stone, and part of Serpentine marble; each of those steps being two and twenty foot in length, and three fingers thick, and the just number of twelve betwixt every rest▪ or landing place. In every resting place were two fair antic Arches where the light came in; and by those they went into a Cabinet, made even with, and of the breadth of, the said winding, and the re-ascending above the roofs of the House, ending conically in a Pavillion. By that vize or winding, they entred on every side into a great Hall, and from the Halls into the Chambers. From the Arctic Tower unto the Criere, were the fair great Libraries in Greek, Latin, Hebrew, French, Italian and Spanish, respectively distributed in their seve∣ral Cantons, according to the diversity of these Languages. In the midst there was a wonderful winding-stair, the entry whereof was without the House, in a Vault or Arch six fathom broad. It was made in such sym∣metry and largeness, that six Men at Arms with their Lances in their Rests, might toge∣ther

in a breast ride all up to the very top of all the Palace. From the Tower Anatole to the Mesembrine were fair spacious Galleries, all coloured over and painted with the ancient Prowesses, Histories and Descriptions of the World. In the midst thereof there was like∣wise such another Ascent and Gate, as we said there was on the river-side. Upon that Gate was written in great antic Letters, that which followeth.

CHAP. LIV. The Inscription set upon the great Gate of Theleme.

HEre enter not religious Boobies, Sots, Impostors, sniveling Hypocrites, Bigots. Dark-brain-distorted Owls, worse then the Huns Or Ostrogots, forerunners of Baboons. Curs'd Snakes, dissembled Varlets, seeming Sancts, Slipshop Caffards, Beggars pretending wants; Fomenters of Divisions and Debates, Elsewhere, not here, make sale of your Deceits.

Your filthy Trumperies Stuff'd with pernicious Lyes (Not worth a bubble) Would only trouble, Our earthly Paradise. Your filthy Trumperies.

Here enter not Attornies, Barretters, Nor bridle champing-law Practitioners: Clerks, Commissaries, Scribes nor Pharises, Wilful disturbers of the Peoples ease, Iudges, Destroyers, with an unjust breath, That, like Dogs, worry honest Men to death. We want not your Demurrers, nor your Pleas; So, at the Gibet go and seek your Fees. We are not, for Attendance or Delays; But would with Ease and Quiet pass our Days.

Law-suits, debates and wrangling Hence are exil'd, and jangling. Here we are very Frolick and merry, And free from all intangling, Law suits, debate and wrangling.

Here enter not base pinching Vsurers, Pelf-lickers, everlasting Gatherers; Gold-graspers, Coin-gripers, Gulpers of Mists, With Harpy-griping Claws, who, tho your Chests Vast summs of Money should to you afford, Would nevertheless be adding to the hoard: And yet not be content; you cluntchfist dastards, Insatiable Fiends, and Pluto's bastards; Greedy devourers, chichy sneakbil Rogues; Hell-mastiffs gnaw your Bones, you rav'nous Dogs.

You beastly looking Fellows, Reason doth plainly tell us, That we should not To you allot

Room here, but at the Gallows; You beastly looking Fellows.

Here enter not, unsociable Weight, Humoursom Churl, by Day, nor yet by Night. No grumbling Awf, none of the sharping Trade, No huffcap Squire, or Brother o' the Blade. A Tartar bred, or in Alsatia Wars, The Ruffian comes not hither with his Bears. Elsewhere for shelter scour, ye Bully-rocks, And Rogues, that rot with Infamy and Pox.

Grace, honour, praise, delight, Here sojourn day and night. Sound Bodies lin'd With a good mind, Do here pursue with might Grace, honour, praise, Delight.

Here enter you, and welcom from our Hearts, All noble Sparks, endow'd with gallant Parts. This is the glorious place which nobly shall Afford sufficient to content you all; Were you a thousand, here you shall not want For any thing; for what you ask, we grant. The brave, the witty, here we entertain, And, in a word, all worthy Gentlemen.

Men of heroic Breasts Shall taste here of the Feasts, Both privily And civily All you are welcom guests, Men of heroic Breasts.

Here enter you, pure, honest, faithful, true, Expounders of the Scriptures old and new; Wh••se Glosses do not the plain truth disguise, And with false light distract or blind our Eyes. Here shall we find a safe and warm retreat, When Error beats about, and spreads her Net. Strange Doctrins here must neither reap nor sow, But Faith and Charity together grow. In short, confounded be their first devise, Who are the Holy Scriptures Enemies.

Here in the Holy Word Trust all, with one accord; It will some help afford: Though you be Knight or Lord, You may find Shield and Sword Here in the Holy Word.

Here enter Ladies all of high Degree, Of goodly Shape, of Humour gay and free; Of lovely Looks, of sprightly Flesh and Blood: Here take, here chuse, here settle your abode. Then gent, the brisk, the fair, whoever comes, With Eyes that sparkle, or whose Beauty blooms. This Bower is fashion'd by a gentle Knight, Ladies, for you; and innocent Delight.

This is design'd a place For every Charming Grace; The Witty and the Fair Hither may all repair; For every lovely Face This is design'd a Place.

CHAP. LV. What manner of Dwelling the The∣lemites had.

IN the middle of the lower Court there was a stately Fountain of fair Alabaster. Upon the top thereof stood the three Graces, with their Cornucopias, and did jett out the Water at their Breasts, Mouth, Ears, Eyes and other open Passages of the Body. The inside of the Buildings in this lower Court stood upon great Pillars of Cassydonie Stone, and Porphyry Marble, made Arch-ways after a goodly antic fashion. Wi••hin those were spacious Galleries, long and large, adorned with curious Pictures, the Horns of Bucks and Unicorns; with Rhinosceroses, Water-horses called Hippopotames, the teeth and tusks of Elephants, and other things well worth the holding. The Lodging of the Ladies took up all from the Tower Arctic unto the Gate Mesembrine. The Men possessed the rest, before the said Lodging of the Ladies, that they might have their Recreation between the two first Towers. One the out-side were placed the Tilt-yard, the Theatre and Natatorie; with most admirable Baths in three Stages, scituated above one another, well furnished with all necessary Accommodation, and store

of Myrtle-water. By the River side was the fair Garden of Pleasures; and in the midst of that of Labyrinth. Between the two other Towers were the Courts for the Tennis and the Baloon. Towards the Tower Criere stood the Orchard full of all Fruit-trees, set and ranged in a quincuncial Order. At the end of that was the great Park, abounding with all sort of Venison. Betwixt the third couple of Towers were the Buts and Marks for shooting with a snap work Gun, an ordi∣nary Bow for common Archery, or with a Cross-bow. The Office-houses were without the Tower Hesperie, of one story high. The Stable were beyond the Offices, and before them stood the Falconry, managed by Ostridge-keepers and Falconers, very expert in the Air. And it was yearly supplied and furnish∣ed by the Candians; Venetians, Sarmates with all sorts of most excellent Hawks, Eagles, Ger∣falcons, Gosehawks, Sacres, Lannier, Falcons, Spar-hawks, Marlins, and all other kinds of them; so gentle and perfectly well manned, that flying of themselves sometimes from the Castle for their own desport, they would not fail to catch whatever they encountred. The Venerie where the Beagles and Hounds were kept, was a little farther off drawing towards the Park,

All the Halls, Chambers and Closets or Cabinets were richly hung with Tapestry, and Hangings of divers sorts, according to

the variety of the Seasons of the Year. All the Pavements and Floors were covered with green Cloath; the Beds were all Embroi∣dered: In every back-chamber or with∣drawing Room there was a Looking-glass of pure Crystal set in a frame of fine Gold, garnished all about with Pearls, and was of such greatness, that it would represent to the full the whole lineaments and propor∣tion of the person that stood before it. At the going out of the Halls, which belong to the Ladies Lodgings, were the Perfumers and Trimmers, through whose Hands the Gallants past when they were to visit the Ladies. Those sweet Artificers did every Morning furnish the Ladies Chambers with the Spirit of Roses, Orange-flower-water and Angelica; and to each of them gave a little precious Casket, vapouring forth the most odorife∣rous Exhalations of the choisest aromatical Scents.

CHAP. LVI. How the Men and Women of the reli∣gious Order of Theleme were Appa∣relled.

THE Ladies at the Foundation of this O••der, were apparelled after their own

Pleasure and Liking. But since that of their own accord and free will they have reformed themselves, their Accoutrements is in manner as followeth. They wore Stockings of scar∣let Crimson, or ingrained purple Die, which reached just three Inches above the Knee, having a list beautified with exquisite em∣broideries, and rare incisions of the Cutters Art. Their Garters were of the colour of their Bracelets, and circled the knee a little, both over and under. Their Shooes, Pumps and Slippers were either of red, violet or crimson-velvet, pinked and jagged like Lob∣ster wadles.

Next to their Smock they put on the pretty Kirtle or Vasquin of pure silk Chamlet: Above that went the taffaty or taby Vardin∣gale, of white, red, tawny, gray or of any other colour: Above this taffaty Petticoat they had another of Cloath of tissue or bro∣cado, embroidered with fine Gold, and inter∣laced with Needle-work, or as they thought good, and according to the temperature and disposition of the Weather, had their upper coats of Satin, Damask or Velvet, and those either orange, tawny, green, ash colour'd, blew, yelow, bright, red, crimson or white, and so forth; or had them of cloath of Gold, cloath of Silver, or some other choice stuff, inriched with Purple, or embroidered accor∣ding to the dignity of the festival Days and Times wherein they wore them.

Their Gowns being still correspondent to the Season, were either of cloath of Gold frizled with a silver-raised work; of red Sattin, covered with Gold purple; of taby or taffa∣ty, white, blew, black, tawny, &c. of silk Serge, silk Chamlet, Velvet, cloath of Silver, silver Tissue, cloath of Gold, gold Wire, fi∣gur'd Velvet, or figur'd Sattin tinselled▪ and overcast with golden Threads, in divers vari∣ously purfled draughts.

In Summer some days instead of Gowns they wore light handsom Mantles, made ei∣ther of the stuff of the aforesaid Attire, or like Moresco Rugs, of Violet, velvet frizled, with a raised work of Gold upon silver Purle; or with a knotted Cord-work of Gold em∣broidery, every where garnished with little Indian Pearls. They always carried a fair Pannache, or plume of Feathers, of the co∣lour of their Muff, bravely adorned and tricked out with glistering Spangles of Gold. In the Winter-time they had their taffaty Gowns of all Colours, as above-named: And those lined with the rich Furrings of Hind-Wolves, or speckled Linxes, black-spotted Weesils, martlet-skins of Calabria, Sables, and other costly Furs of inestimable value. Their Beads, Rings, Bracelets, Collars, Car∣canets and Neck chains were all of precious Stones, such as Carbuncles, Rubies, Baleus, Diamonds, Saphirs, Emeralds, Turkoises, Garnets, Agates, Berilles and excellent Mar∣garits,

Their Head-dressing also varied with the season of the year, according to which they decked themselves. In Winter it was of the French fashion; in the Spring of the Spa∣nish; in Summer of the fashion of Tuscany, except only upon the holy Days and Sundays, at which time they were accoutred in the French mode, because they accounted it more honourable, and better befitting the garb of a matronal pudicity.

The Men were Apparelled after their fa∣shion: Their Stockins were of Tamine, or of cloath Serge, of white, black, scarlet, or some other ingrain'd Colour: Their Breeches were of Velvet, of the same Colour with their Stokins, or very near, embroidered and cut according to their Fancy. Their Doublet was of cloath of Gold, of cloath of Silver, of Velvet, Sattin, Damask, T••ffa••ies, &c. of the same colours, cut, embroidered and sui∣tably trimmed up in perfection. The points were of Silk of the same colours; the tags were of Gold well enamelled. Their Coats and Jerkins were of cloath of Gold, cloath of Silver, Gold, Tissue or Velvet embroidered, as they thought fit. Their Gowns were every whit as costly as those of the Ladies. Their Girdles were of silk, of the colour of their Doublets. Every one had a gallant Sword by his side, the hilt and handle whereof were gilt, and the scabbard of Velvet of the colour of his Breeches, with a chape of Gold, and pure

Goldsmiths work. The Dagger was of the same. Their Caps or Bonnets were of black Velvet, adorned with Jewels and Buttons of gold; upon that they wore a white Plume, most pritily and minion-like, parted by so many rows of gold Spangles, at the end whereof hung dangling in a more sparkling resplendency fair Rubies, Emeralds, Dia∣monds, &c. but there was such a sympathy betwixt the Gallants and the Ladies, that every day they were apparelled in the same Livery. And that they might not miss, there were certain Gentlemen appointed to tell the Youths every morning what Vestments the Ladies would on that day wear; for all was done according to the pleasure of the Ladies. In these so handsom Cloaths and A∣biliaments so rich, think not that either one or other of either Sex did waste any time at all; for the Masters of the Wardrobes had all their Raiments and Apparel so ready for every Morning, and the Chamber Ladies so well skilled, that in a trice they would be dressed, and compleatly in their clothes from head to foot. And to have those Ac∣coutrements with the more conveniency. There was about the Wood of Theleme a row of Houses of the extent of half a league, ve∣ry neat and cleanly, wherein dwelt the Gold∣smiths, Lapidaries, Jewellers, Embroiderers, Tailors, Gold-drawers, Velvet-weavers, Ta∣pestry-makers and Upholsters, who wrought

there every one in his own Trade, and all for the aforesaid jolly Friars and Nuns of the new Stamp. They were furnished with Matter and Stuff from the hands of the Lord Nausiclete, who every year brought them seven Ships from the Perlas and Cannibal Islands, laden with ingots of Gold, with raw Silk, with Pearls and precious stones. And if any Vnions began to grow old, and lose somewhat of their natural whiteness and lustre, those with their Art did renew, by tendering them to eat to some pretty Cocks, as they use to give Casting unto Hawks.

CHAP. LVII. How the Thelemites were governed and of their manner of Living.

ALL their life was spent not in Laws, Statutes or Rules, but according to their own free Will and Pleasure. They rose out of their Beds, when they thought good: They did eat, drink, labour, sleep, when they had a mind to it, and were dispo∣sed for it. None did awake them, none did offer to constrain them to eat, drink, nor to do any other thing; for so had Gargantua established it. In all their Rule, and strictest tie of their order, there was but this one clause to be observed.

Do what thou wilt.

Because Men that are free, well-born, well-bred and conversant in honest com∣panies, have naturally an Instinct and Spur that prompteth them unto vertuous Actions, and withdraws them from Vice, which is cal∣led honour. Those same Men, when by base subjection and constraint they are brought under and kept down, turn aside from that noble disposition, by which they formerly were inclined to Vertue, to shake off and break that bond of servitude, wherein they are so tyranniously inslaved; for it is agree∣able to the nature of Man to long after things forbidden, and to desire what is de∣nied us.

By this Liberty they entered into a very laudable emulation, to do all of them what they saw did please one. If any of the Gal∣lants or Ladies should say, Let us drink, they would all drink. If any one of them said, Let us play, they all played. If one said, Let us go a walking into the Fields, they went all. If it were to go a hawking or a hunting, the Ladies mounted upon dainty well-paced Nags, seated in a stately Palfrey saddle, carried on their lovely fists Miniardly begloved every one of them, either a Spar∣hawk, or a Laneret, or a Marlin, and the young Gallants carried the other kinds of

Haws. So nobly were they taught, that there was neither he nor she amongst them, but could read, write, sing, play upon several musical Instruments, speak five or six several Languages, and compose in them all very quaintly, both in Verse and Prose. Never were seen so valiant Knights, so noble and worthy, so dextrous and skilful both on foot and a horseback, more brisk and lively, more nimble and quick, or better handling all man∣ner of Weapons then were there. Never were seen Ladies so proper and handsom, so miniard and dainty, less froward, or more ready with their hand, and with their needle, in every honest and free Action belonging to that Sex then were there. For this reason when the time came, that any Man of the said Abbey, either at the request of his Pa∣rents, or for some other cause, had a mind to go out of it, he carried along with him one of the Ladies, namely her whom he had before that chosen for his Mistress, and were married together. And if they had formerly in Theleme lived in good Devotion and A∣mity, they did continue therein, and in∣crease it to a greater height in their state of Matrimony: And did entertain that mu∣tual Love till the very last day of their Life, in no less vigour and fervency, then at the very day of their Wedding. Here must I not forget to set down unto you a Riddle, which was found under the Ground, as they

were laying the foundation of the Abbey, ingra∣ven in copper Plate and it was thus as follow∣eth.

CHAP. LVIII. A Prophetical Riddle in the Style of Merlyn.

POor mortals, who wait for a happy day, Cheer up your Hearts, and here what I shall say; If it be lawful firmly to beleive, That the Caelestial Body can us give; Wisdom to judge of things that are not yet Or if from Heaven such Wisdom we may get; As may with confidence make us discourse Of years to come their destiny and course I to my Hearer give to understand That this next Winter, though it be at hand, Yea and before, there shall appear a race Of Men, who loth to sit still in one place; Shall boldly go before all peoples eyes Suborning Men of divers qualities, To draw them unto covenants and sides, In such a manner that wha•• 're betides, They'l move you, if you giv•• them ear (no doubt) With both your friends and kind••ed to fall out; They make a Vassel to 〈…〉〈…〉 his Lord, And Children their own Pa••ents, in a Word, All Reverences shall then be banished, No true respect to other shall be had. They'l say that every Man should have his turn, Both in his going forth, and his return; And hereupon there shall arise such woes, Such jarrings and confused toes and froes; That never were in history such coyles,

Set down as yet such tumults and garboyls; Then shall you many gallant Men see by Valour stirr'd up, and youthful fervencie; Who trusting too much in their hopeful time, Live but a while, and perish in their prime; Neither shall any who this course shall run, Leave off the Race, which he hath once begun; Till they the Heavens with noise by their contention, Have fill'd and with their steps the Earths dimension, Then those shall have no less authority, That have no faith, then those that will not lie; For then shall all be governed by a rude, Base, ignorant and foolish multitude; The veriest lowt of all shall be their Judge, O horrible and dangerous deluge! Deluge I call it, and that for good reason For this shall be omitted in no season; Nor shall the Earth of this foul stir be free, Till suddenly you in great store shall see The Waters Issue out with whose streams the Most moderate of all shall moist'ned be; And justly too, because they did not spare The flocks of Beasts that innocentest are; But did their sinews, and their bowels take, Not to the Gods a Sacrifice to make; But usually to serve themselves for sport, And now consider, I do you exhort. In such Commotions so continual, What rest can take the Globe-terrestrial. Most happy then are they, that can it hold, And use it carefully as precious gold, By keeping it in Goal, whence it shall have No help but him, who being to it gave: And to increase his mournful accident The Sun before is set in th' occident; Shall cease to dart upon it any light, More then in an Eclipse, or in the night; So that at once its favour shall be gone, And Liberty with it be left alone; And yet before it come to ruine thus,

Its quaking shall be as impetuous As Aetna's was, when Titan's Sons lay under, And yeild when lost, a fearful sound like thunder. Inarime, did not more quickly move, When Typheu's did the vast huge hills remove; And for despite into the Sea them threw. Thus shall it then be lost by ways not few, And chang'd suddenly, when those that have it, To other Men that after come shall leave it, Then shall it be high time to cease from this, So long, so great, so tedious exercise; For the great Waters now foretold by me, Will make each think where his retreat shall be; And yet before that they be clean disperst, You may behold in the air where nought was erst, The burning heat of a great flame to rise, Lick up the Water, and the enterprise. It resteth after those things to declare, That those shall sit content, who chosen are; With all good things, and with coelestial Man, And richly Recompensed every Man; The others at the last all strip't shall b••, That after this great work all Men may see How each shall have his due, this is their lot, O he is worthy-praise that shrinketh not.

No sooner was this aenigmatical monument read over, but Gargantua fetching a very deep sigh said unto those that stood by: It is not now only (I perceive) that People called to the faith of the Gospel, and convinced with the certainty of E∣vangelical Truths are persecuted: But happy is that Man that shall not be scandaliz'd, but shall always continue to the end, in aiming at that Mark, which God by his dear Son hath set before us, without being distracted or diverted by his carnal affections and depraved Nature.

The Monk then said, What do you think in your Conscience is meant and signified by this Riddle? What? (said Gargantua) the progress

and carrying on of the Divine Truth. By St. Goderan (said the Monk) that is not my Exposition; it is the style of the Prophet Merlin; make upon it as many grave allegories and glosses as you will and dote upon it, you and the rest of the World as long as you please; for my part, I can con∣ceive no other meaning in it, but a description of a set at Tennis in dark and obscure terms.

The suborners of Men are the makers of Matches which are commonly friends. After the two Chases are made, he that was at the upper end of the Tennis-Court goeth out, and the other cometh In. They beleive the first, that saith the Ball was over or under the Line. The Waters are the Heats that the Players take till they sweat again. The Cords of the Rackets are made of the Guts of Sheep or Goats. The Globe-terrestrial is the Tennis-Ball. After playing, when the game is done, they refresh themselves before a clear fire, and change their shirts, but very willingly they make all good Cheer, but most merrily those that have gained; And so farewel.

The End of the first Book.

Notes

• * 1.1

  Hippocrates lib. de Alimento. Plin. lib. 7. cap. 5. Plautus in Ci∣stellaria. Mar∣cus Varro, in his Satyr inscribed the Testament, alledging the Authority of Aristotle on this occasion Censo∣rinus, lib. de die Natali. Arist. lib. 7. cap. 3, & 4. de Natura Animalium. Gellius, lib. 3. cap. 16. Servius in Ecl. upon that Verse of Virgil, Ma∣tri longa decem, &c. and a thousand other Fools, whose number has been encreased by the Lawyers F. de suis & Legit. l. intestato, S. fin. And in authen. de restitut. & ea. quae patit. in 11 mense. Moreover upon these Grounds have they foisted in their Robidilardick Law, Gallus F. de lib. & post & l. septimo F. de Stat. homin.
• * 2.1

  Hastueau Tou∣quedillon.