The works of the famous Mr. Francis Rabelais, doctor in physick treating of the lives, heroick deeds, and sayings of Gargantua and his son Pantagruel : to which is newly added the life of the author / written originally in French, and translated into English by Sr. Thomas Urchard.

CHAP. XVII. (Book 17)

How Panurge gained the pardons, and married the old women, and of the suit in law which he had at Paris. (Book 17)

ONe day I found Panurge very much out of countenance, melancholick and si∣lent, which made me suspect that he had no money; whereupon I said unto him, Panurge, you are sick, as I do very well perceive by your physiognomie, and I know the disease, you have a flux in your purse; but take no care I have yet seven pence half penny, that never saw father nor mother, which shall not be wanting, no more then the pox in your necessity: whereunto he answered me, Well, well, for money, one day I shall have but too much; for I have a Philosophers stone, which attracts money out of mens purses, as the a∣damant doth iron; but will you go with me to gaine the pardons, said he? By my faith (said he) I am no great pardon-taker in this world; if I shall be any such in the other, I cannot tell: yet let us go in Gods Name, it is but one farthing more or lesse. But (said he) lend me then a farthing upon interest. No, no, (said I) I will give it you freely,

and from my hearr, Grates vobis dominos, said he.

So we went along, beginning at St. Ger∣vase, and I got the pardons at the first boxe only, for in those matters very little con∣tenteth me: then did I say my small suffra∣ges, and the prayers of St. Brigid, but he gained them at all the boxes, and alwayes gave money to every one of the Pardoners; from thence we went to our Ladies Church, to St. Iohns, to St. Antonies, and so to the other Churches, where there was a banquet of pardons, for my part, I gained no more of them: but he at all the boxes kissed the relicks, and gave at every one: to be brief, when we were returned, he brought me to drink at the Castle-tavern, and there shewed me ten or twelve of his little bags full of mo∣ney, at which I blest my self, and made the signe of the Crosse, saying, Where have you recovered so much money in so little time? unto which he answered me, that he had ta∣ken it out of the basins of the pardons; For in giving them the first farthing (said he) I put it in with such slight of hand, and so dex∣terously that it appeared to be a threepence; thus with one hand I took three-pence, nine-pence or six-pence at the least, and with the other as much, and so thorough all the Churches where we have been. Yea, but (said I) you damn your self like a snake, and

art withal a thief and sacrilegious perso••. True (said he) in your opinion, but I am not of that minde; for the Pardoners do give me it, when they say unto me in presenting the relicks to kisse, Centuplum accipies, that is, that for one penny I should take a hundred; for accipies is spoken according to the manner of the Hebrewes, who use the future tense in stead of the imperative, as you have in the law, Diliges Dominum, that is, dilige: even so when the Pardon-bearer sayes to me, Cen∣tuplum accipies, his meaning is, centuplum ac∣cipe; and so doth Rabbi Kimy, and Rabbi Aben Ezra expound it, and all the Massorets, & ibi Bartholus. Moreover, Pope Sixtus gave me fifteen hundred francks of yearly pension (which in English money is a hundred and fifty pounds) upon his Ecclesiastical revenues and treasure, for having cured him of a canc∣krous botch, which did so torment him, that he thought to have been a Cripple by it all his life. Thus I do pay my self at my owne hand (for otherways I get nothing) upon the said Ecclesiastical treasure. Ho, my friend, (said he) if thou didst know what advantage I made, and how well I feathered my nest, by the Popes bull of the Croisade, thou wouldest wonder exceedingly. It was worth to me a∣bove six thousand florins (in English coine six hundred pounds,) and what a devil is become of them? (said I) for of that money

thou hast not one half penny. They returned from whence they came (said he,) they did no mote but change their Master.

But I employed at least three thousand of them (that is, three hundred pounds English,) in marrying (not young Virgins; for they finde but too many husbands) but great old sempiternous trots, which had not so much as one tooth in their heads; and that out of the consideration I had, that these good old women had very well spent the time of their youth in playing at the close-buttock-game to all commers, serving the foremost first, till no man would have any more dealing with them. And by G—I will have their skin-coat shaken once yet before they die; by this meanes, to one I gave a hundred florins, to another six score, to another three hundred, according to that they were infamous, detest∣able and abominable; for by how much the more horrible and execrable they were, so much the more must I needs have given them, otherwayes the devil would not have jum'd them. Presently I went to some great and fat wood-porters, or such like, and did my self make the match, but before I did shew him the old Hags, I made a faire muster to him of the Crownes, saying, Good fellow, see what I will give thee, if thou wilt but con∣descend to dufle, dinfredaille, or lecher it one good time: then began the poor rogues to

gape like old mules, and I caused to be pro∣vided for them a banquet, with drink of the best, and store of spiceries, to put the old wo∣men in rut and heat of lust. To be short, they occupied all like good soules, only to those that were horribly ugly and ill-favoured, I caused their head to be put within a bag, to hide their face.

Besides all this, I have lost a great deal in suits of law: And what law-suits couldest thou have? (said I) thou hast neither house norlands. My friend, (said he) the Gentlewomen of this City had found out, by the instigation of the devil of hell, a manner of high-mount∣ed bands, and neckerchiefs for women, which did so closely cover their bosomes, that men could no more put their hands under; for they had put the slit behinde, and those neck-cloths were wholly shut before, where∣at the poor sad contemplative lovers were much discontented. Upon a faire Tuesday, I presented a Petition to the Court, making my self a Party against the said Gentlewo∣men, and shewing the great interest that I pretended therein, protesting that by the same reason, I would cause the Codpeece of my breeches to be sowed behinde, if the Co••ur would not take order for it. In summe, the Gentlewomen put in their defences, shewed the grounds they went upon, and constituted their Atturney for the prosecuting of the

cause, but I pursued them so vigorously, that by a sentence of the Court it was decreed, those high neckclothes should be no longer worne, if they were not a little cleft and open before, but it cost me a good summe of mo∣ney. I had another very filthy and beastly processe against the dung-farmer (called Ma∣ster Fisi) and his Deputies, that they should no more reade privily the pipe, punchon, nor quart of sentences, but in faire full day, and that in the fodder schools, in face of the Ar∣rian Sophisters, where I was ordained to pay the charges, by reason of some clause mis∣taken in the relation of the Serjeant. Ano∣ther time I framed a complaint to the Court, against the mules of the Presidents, Coun∣sellors and others, tending to this purpose, that when in the lower Court of the Pa∣lace, they left them to champ on their bridles: some bibs were made for them, that with their drivelling they might not spoile the pavement, to the end, that the Pages of the Palace might play upon it with their dice, or at the game of coxbody, at their own ease, without spoiling their breeches at the knees; and for this I had a faire decree, but it cost me deare. Now reckon up what expence I was at in little banquets, which from day to day I made to the Pages of the Palace, and to what end, said I? My friend (said he) thou hast no

passe-time at all in this world, I have more then the King, and if thou wilt joyne thy selfe with me, we will do the devil toge∣ther. No, no, (said I) by St. Adauras that will I not, for thou wilt be hanged one time or another: And thou (said he) wilt be interred somtime or other; now which is most honourable, the aire or the earth? Ho, grosse pecore, whilest the Pages are at their banqueting, I keep their mules, and to some one I cut the stirrup-leather of the mounting side, till it hang but by a thin strap or thread, that when the great puffe-guts of the Counsellor or some other hath taken his swing to get up, he may fall flat on his side like a pork, and so furnish the Spectators with more then a hundred francks worth of laughter. But I laugh yet further, to think how at his home-coming the Master-page is to be whipt like green rie, which makes me not to repent what I have bestowed in feasting them. In brief, he had (as I said before) threescore and three wayes to acquire mony, but he had two hundred and fourteen to spend it, besides his drinking.