The visions of dom Francisco de Quevedo Villegas, knight of the Order of St. James made English by R.L.
Quevedo, Francisco de, 1580-1645., L'Estrange, Roger, Sir, 1616-1704.
Page  258


THere happen'd lately so terrible an Vproar, and Disorder in Hell, that (though it be a place of perpetual Outrage, and Confusion) the oldest Devil there never knew the Fel∣low of it; and the Inhabitants expected nothing less then an absolute Topsy-Turvy, and Dissolution of their Empire. The Devils fell upon the Damn'd; and the Damn'd fell upon the Devils, with∣out knowing One from t'other: and all running helter-skelter, to and again, like Mad; for in fine, it was no other then a general Revolt. This Hurly-Burly lasted a good while, before any Mor∣tal could imagine the meaning of it; but at length, there came certain Intel∣ligence of a Monstrous Talker; A Prag∣matical, Page  259 Medling Vndertaker, and an old Bawd of a Gouvernante, that had knock't off their Shackles, and made all this Havock: Which may give the Reader to Vnderstand what kind of Cat∣tel These are, that could make Hell it self more Dangerous, and Vnquiet.

Lucifer, in the Mean time, went Yelp∣ing up and down, and Bawling, for Chains, Hand-Cuffes, Bolts, Manacles, Shackles, Fetters, to tye up his Pris'ners again; when, in the Middle of his Car∣riere, He and the Babler, or Talker, I told ye of, met full-butt; and after a little staring one Another in the Face, upon the Encounter, the Babler open'd. Prince mine; (says he) you have a pack of Lazy, Droning Devils in your Domi∣nions, that look after Nothing, but sit with their Arms and Legs across, and leave all your affairs at Six and Seven, And you have divers abroad too, upon Commission, that have staid out their Time, and yet give you no Accompt of their Employment. The Gouvernante, that had been blowing the Coal, and Whispering Sedition from one to ano∣ther, chanc'd to pass by in the InterimPage  260 and stopping short, address'd her self to Lucifer: Look to your self; (she cry'd) there is a Desperate plot upon your Dia∣bolical Crown, and Dignity. There are Two Tyrants in't; Three Parasites; A world of Physicians, and whole Legions of Lawyers, and Atturneys. One word more in your Ear. There is among them, a mungrel Priest (a kind of a Lay-Elder) that will go near to sit upon your Skirts, if you have not a care of him.

At the very name of Priest, and Lay-Elder, Lucifer look't as Pale as Death; stood stone-still; as mute as a Fish; and in his very looks, discover'd his Ap∣prehensions. After a little pause, he rous'd himself, as out of a Trance; A Priest do ye say? a Lay-Elder? Ty∣rants? Lawyers? Physicians? A Com∣position (he cryes) to poyson all the Devils in Hell, and purge their very Guts out. With that, away he went to visit the Avenues, and set his Guards, and who should he meet next, but the Medler? in a monstrous hast, and hurry. Nay then (says he) here is the Fore∣runner of Ill-Luck. But what's the Mat∣ter?Page  261 The Matter? cry'd the Medler; And then with a huge deal of tedious, and Impertinent Circumstance, he up, and told him, that a great many of the Damn'd had Contriv'd an Escape; and that there was a Design to call in four or five Regiments of Hypocrites, and Vsur∣ers, under colour forsooth of Esta∣blishing a better Intelligence betwixt Earth, and Hell, with a Hundred other Fopperies; and had gone on till this time, if Lucifer would have found Ears. But he had other Fish to fry; for Neck and All was now at Stake; and so he went about his Business of put∣ting all in a posture, and strengthening his Guards. And for the further Secu∣rity of his Royal Person, he enter∣tain'd into his own Immediate Regiment, several Reformadoes of the Society, that he particularly knew to be no Flinchers.

He began his Survey in the Vaults, and Dungeons, among his Iaylers, and Pris'ners. The Make-Bate Babler March't in the Van, breathing an Air that kindled, and Enflam'd wherever he past, without giving any Light (set∣ting Page  262 People together by the Ears, they know not why) In the second Place the Gouvernante, as full of News, and Tittle-Tattle as she could hold, and tel∣ling her tale all the way she went. In the Breech of her, follow'd the Medler, learing as he past along, first on one side, then on the Other, without ever moving his Head, and making fair with every Soul He saw in's way. He gave One, a Bowe; T'other, a Kiss; Your most humble Servant, to a Third; Can I serve you Sir to a Fourth: But every Com∣plement was worse to the poor Crea∣tures, then the Fire it self. Ah Traytor! says one; For Pity's sake, away with this new Tormenter! crys another. This Fellow is Hell upon Hell, says a Third. As he trudg'd on, there was a Rabble of Rascals, got together; and in the Middle of the Crowd, a most Eminent Knight of the Post, (a great Master of his Trade) that was reading a Lecture to that Venerable Assembly, of the Noble Mystery of Swearing and Ly∣ing; and would have taught any man in one Quarter of an hour, to prove any thing upon Oath, that he never Page  263 saw, nor heard of in his life. This Doctor had no sooner cast his Eye upon the Intermedler, but up he started in a Fright. How no? says he; Is that Devil here? I came hither on purpose t avoid him; and if I could but have dream't, hee'd have been in Hell, be∣yond all Dispute, I'd have gone my self to Paradise.

As He was speaking, we heard a great, and a confused Noise of Arms, Blows, and Out-cryes; and presently we discover'd several Persons falling one upon Another like lightning; and in short with such a Fury, that 'tis not for any Tongue, or Pen to Desribe the Battle. One of them appear'd to be an Emperour; for he was crown'd with Lawrel, and surrounded with a grave sort of People, that look't like Coun∣sellors or Senators; and had all the Old Statutes, and Records at their Fingers End: by which they endeavour'd to make it out; That a King might be kill'd in his Personal Capacity, and his Politick Capacity never the worse for't. And up∣on this point, were they at Daggers Drawn with the Emperour. LuciferPage  264 came then roundly up to him, and with a Voice that made Hell quake; what are you Sir, (says he) that take upon you thus in my Dominions? I am the Great Iulius Caesar, (says he) that in this general Tumult, thought to have reveng'd my self upon Brutus, and Cas∣sius, for Murthering me in the Senate, under colour (forsooth) of asserting the Common Liberty: Whereas these Traytors did it merely out of Envy, Ava∣rico, and Ambition. It was the Empe∣rour not the Empire they hated. They pretended to destroy Me, for Introdu∣cing a Monarchy; But did they over∣throw the Monarchy it self? No; but on the Contrary, they confirm'd it; and did more Mischief, in taking away my life, than I did in dissolving their Re∣publick. However, I dy'd an Emperour, and these Villains carry'd only the Infamy, and Brand of Regicides, to their Gravs, and the World has ever since, ador'd my Memory, and abhorr'd theirs. Tell me (quoth he) ye cursed Bloud-Hounds; (turning towards them) Whether was your Government better, think ye? in the ands of your Senators; a Company of Page  265 talking Gown-men, that knew not how to keep it; Or in the hands of a Souldier, that won it by his Merit? It is not the Drawing of a Charge, or the making of a fine Oration, that fits people for Govern∣ment; nor will a Crown sit well upon the Head of a Pedant; but let him wear it that deserves it. He is the true Patriot that advances the Glory of his Country, by Actions of Bravery and Honour. Which has more right to Rule, think ye, he that only knows the Laws, or He that Maintains them? The one only studies the Government; The other Protects it. Wretched Republick! Thou call'st it Free∣dom, to obey a Divided Multitude, and slavery, to serve a single Person; and when a Company of Covetous little Fellows are got together, they must be stil'd Fathers of their Countrey, forsooth; And shall one Generous Person take up with the Name of Tyrant? Oh! how much better had it been for Rome to have preserv'd that one Son that made her Mistress of the World, than that Multitude of Fathers, who by so many Intestine Wars, render'd her but a Step-mother to her own Children. Barbarous, and Cruel that you are! so Page  266 much as to mention the name of a Com∣mon-wealth, considering that since the people tasted of Monarchy, they have pre∣fer'd even the worst of Princes, as Nero, Tiberius, Caligula, Heliogabalus, &c. before your Tribe of Senators.

This discourse of Caesars struck Bru∣tus with exceeding shame and confusion; but at length with a feeble and trem∣bling voice, he deliver'd himself to this effect.

Gentlemen of the Senate (say's he) do ye not hear Caesar? or will ye adde sin to sin, and suffer all the blame to be cast upon the Instruments, when you your selves were the Contrivers of the Villany? Why do ye not answer? for Caesar speaks to you, as well as to us. Cassius and my self were but your Bravos, and govern'd by your perswa∣sions and advice, little dreaming of that insatiable ambition that lay lurk∣ing under the gravity of your long Beards and Robes. But 'tis the pra∣ctice of you all, to arraign that Ty∣ranny in the Prince, which you would exercise your selves: in effect, when you have gotten Power, and the co∣lour of Authority in your hands, it is Page  267 more dangerous for a Prince not to comply with you, than for a Vassal to rebel against his Prince. To what end serv'd your perfidious and ungrateful Treason? Make answer to Caesar. But for our parts, in the conscience of our sin, we feel the severity of our Punish∣ment.

At these words a hollow-Ey'd, super∣cilious Senator (that had been of the Conspiracy, and was then blazing like a Pitcht Barrel) rais'd himself, and with a faint voice, askt Caesar what reason he had to complain?

For Prince (says he) if King Ptolomy murther'd Pom∣pey the Great, upon whose score he held his Kingdom: why might not the Senate as well kill you, to recover what you had taken from them? And in the case betwixt Caesar and Pompey, let the Devils themselves be Judges. As for Achillas (who was one one of the murtherers) what he did, was by Ptolomy's command, and then he was but a Free-booter neither, a fellow that got his living by Rapine and Spoil: but Caesar was undoubtedly the more infamous of the two. 'Tis Page  268 true, you wept at the sight of Pom∣pey's head, but such tears as were more treacherous than the Steel that kill'd him. Ah cruel compassion and revengeful piety! that made thee a more barbarous Enemy to Pompey, dead than living. Oh that ever two Hypocrite Eyes should creep into the first Head of the World! To con∣clude, the death of Caesar, had been the Recovery of our Republick, if the multitude had not call'd in others of his Race to the Government, which render'd thy fall the very Hydra of the Empire.

We had had another skirmish upon these words, if Lucifer had not com∣manded Caesar to his Cell again, upon pain of Death; and there to abide such correction as belong'd to him, for slight∣ing the warnings he had of his Disaster. Brutus and Cassius too were turn'd over to the politick Fools: and the Senators were dispatch'd away to Minos and Rhadamanthus, and to sit as Assistants in the Devils Bench.

After this I heard a murmuring noise, as of people talking at a distance, and Page  269 by degrees I made it out that they were wrangling and disputing still lowder and lowder, till at length it was but a word and a blow; and the nearer I came the greater was the clamour. This made me mend my pace; but before I could reach them, they were all toge∣ther by the Ears in a bloudy fray: They were persons of great quality all of them, as Emperors, Magistrates, Generals of Armies. Lucifer, to take up the Quarrel, commanded them Peace and Silence, and they all obey'd, but it vext them to the hearts to be so taken off in the full carriere of their Fury and Revenge. The first that open'd his mouth, was a fellow so martyr'd with wounds and scars, that I took him at first for an indigent Officer; but it prov'd to be Clitus (as he said himself) And one at his Elbow told him, he was a sau∣cy Companion, for presuming to speak before his time; and so desir'd Audi∣ence of Lucifer, for the high and mighty Alexander, the Son of Jupiter, and the Emperor and Terror of the World: He was going on with his Qualities and Ti∣tles; but an Officer gave the word, Si∣lence,Page  270 and bad Clitus begin; which he took very kindly, and told his story.

If it may please your Majesty (says he) I was the first Favourite of this Emperor; who was then Lord of all the known World; bare the Title of the King of Kings, and Boasted himself for the son of Iupiter Hammon; and yet after all this Glory, and Conquest, he was himself a slave to his Passions: He was Rash, and Cruel, and conse∣quently, Incapable either of Counsel, or Friendship. While I liv'd, I was near him, and serv'd him faithfully; but it seems, He did not Entertain me, so much for my Fidelity, as to aug∣ment the Number of his Flatterers: But I found my self too honest for a Base Office; and still as he ran into any foul Excesses, I took a Freedom with all possible Modesty, to shew him his Mistakes. One day, as he was talking slightly of his Father Philip (that brave Prince, from whom he re∣ceiv'd as well his Honour, as his Be∣ing) I told him frankly what I thought of that Ingratitude, and Va∣nity, and desired him to treat his Page  271Dead Father with more Reverence, as a Prince Worthy of Eternal Ho∣nour, and Respect. This Commenda∣tion of Philip, so enflam'd him, that presently he took a Partisan and struck me Dead in the place with his own Hand. After this; pray'e where was his Divinity, when he gave Abdo∣lominus, (a poor Garden-Weeder) the Kingdome of Sidonia: which was not, as the World would have it, out of any Consideration of his Vir∣tue, but to Mortify, and take down the Pride, and Insolence of the Per∣sians. Meeting him here just now in Hell, I askt him what was become of his Father Iupiter now; that he lay so long by't; and whether he were not yet convinc'd that all his Flatterers were a Company of Rascals, who with their Incense, and Altars, would perswade him that He was of Divine Extraction, and Heir apparent to the Throne, and Thunder of Iupiter. This now was the Ground of our Quar∣rel. Invectives apart; who but a Ty∣rant would have put a Loyal Subject to Death, only for his Affection, and Page  272Regards to the Memory of his Dead Father? how barbarously did he treat his Favourites, Parmenio, Philotas, Ca∣listhenes, Amintas, &c. so that good or bad is all a case, for 'tis crime e∣nough to be the Favourite of a Tyrant: As in the course of humane life, every man dies because he is mortal, and the disease is rather the pretext of his death, than the cause of it.
You find now (says Sa∣tan) that Tyrants will shew their people many a Dog-trick, when the humour takes them. The good, they hate, for not being wicked; and the bad, because they are no worse. How many Favou∣rites have you ever seen come to a fair and timely end? Remember the Emblem of the Sponge, and that's the use that Princes make of their Favourites: they let them suck and fill, and then squeeze them for their own profit.

At that word there was heard a la∣mentable cry, and at the same time a venerable old man, as pale as if he had no bloud in his veins, came up to Lu∣cifer, and told him, that his Emblem of the Sponge came very pat to his Case; Page  273 For (says he) I was a great Favourite, and a great horder of Treasure: a Spa∣niard by birth, the Tutor and Confident of Nero; and my name is Seneca. In∣deed his bounties were to excess, he gave me without asking, and in taking I was never covetous but obedient. It is in the nature of Princes, and it befits their quality, to be liberal where they take a liking, both of Honour and Fortunes: and 'tis hard for a Subject to refuse, with∣out some reflection upon the generosity or discretion of his Master. For 'tis not the merit, or modesty of the Vassal, but the glory of the Prince that is in questi∣on: and he is the best Subject, that con∣tributes the most to the splendor and re∣putation of his Sovereign. Nero indeed gave me as much as such a Prince could bestow; and I manag'd his liberalities with all the moderation imaginable: yet all too little, to preserve me from the strokes of envious and malicious tongues; which would have it, that my philosophizing upon the contempt of the World, was nothing else but a meer im∣posture, that with less danger and notice I might feed and entertain my avarice,Page  274 and with the fewer Competitors. Find∣ing my credit with my Master decli∣ning, it stood me upon to provide some way or other for my quiet, and to with∣draw my self from being the mark of of a publick envy. So I went directly to Nero, and with all possible respect and humility made him a Present back again of his own ••unties. The truth is, I had so great a pssion for his service, that neither the severity of his Nature, nor the debauchery of his Manners could ever deter me from exhorting him to nobler courses, and paying him all the duties of a Loyal Subject. Especially in cases of cruelty and bloud, I laid it per∣petually home to his conscience, but all to little purpose; for he put his mother to death, laid the City of Rome in ashes, and indeed depopulated the Empire of honest men. And this drew on Piso's Conspiracy, which was better laid than executed: for upon the discovery, the prime instruments lost their lives; and by Divine Providence this Prince was peserv'd, in order (as one would have thught) to his repentance and change of life. But upon the issue, the Conspi∣racyPage  275 was prevented, and Nero never the better. At the same time he put Lucan to death, only for being a better Poet than himself. And if he gave me my choice what death to die, it was rather cruelty than pity: for in the very delibe∣ration which death to chuse, I suffer'd all even in the terror and apprehension that made me refuse the rest. The election I made, was to bleed to death in a Bath, and I finisht my own dispatches hither; where to my further affliction, I have again encountred this infamous Prince, studying new cruelties, and instructing the very Devils themselves in the Art of tormenting.

At that word Nero advanc'd, with his ill-favour'd face and shrill voice.

It is very well (says he) for a Princes Favourite, or Tutor to be wiser than his Master; but let him manage that advantage then with respect, and not like a rash and insolent Fool make proclamation presently to the world, that he's the wiser of the two. While Seneca kept himself within those, bounds, I lodg'd him in my bosome, and the love I had for that man was Page  276 the glory of my Government; but when he came to publish once (what he should have dissembled or con∣ceal'd) that it was not Nero, but Sene∣ca that rul'd the Empire, nothing less than his bloud could make satis∣faction for so intolerable a scandal, and from that hour I resolv'd his ru∣ine. And I had rather suffer what I do a hundred times over, than enter∣tain a Favourite that should raise his credit upon my dishonour. Whether I have reason on my side or no, I ap∣peal to all this Princely Assembly: Draw neer I beseech ye, as many as are here, and speak freely, my Royal Brethren; Did ye ever suffer any Fa∣vourite to scape unpunisht, that had the impudence to write [I and my King] to make a Stale, of Majesty, and to publish himself a better Statesman than his Master?
No, no, (they cry'd out all with one voice) it never was, and never shall be endured, while the world lasts: For we have left our Suc∣cessors under an Oath, to have a care on't. 'Tis true, a wise Counsellor at a Prince's elbow, is a Treasure, and ought Page  277 to be so esteem'd, while he makes it his business to cry up the abilities and ju∣stice of his Sovereign: but in the in∣stant that his vanity transports him to the contrary; away with him to the dogs, and down with him, for there's no enduring of it.

All this (cry'd Sejanus) does not yet concern me; for though I had in∣deed more brains than Tiberius, yet I so order'd it, that he had the credit in publick of all my private Advices. And so sensible he was of my services, that he made me his Partner and Companion in the Empire: he caus'd my Statues to be erected, and invested them with sacred Privileges. Let Sejanus live, was the daily cry of the People; and in truth, my well-being was the joy of the Empire; and far and neer there were publick Prayers and Vows offer'd up for my health. But what was the end of all? when I thought my self surest in my Master's Arms and favour; he let me fall, nay he threw me down, caus'd me to be cut in pieces, delivering me up to the fu∣ry of a barbarous and enraged Multi∣tude, Page  278 that drag'd me along the Streets, and happy was he that could get a piece of my flesh to carry upon a Javelins point in triumph. And it had been well if this inhumane cruelty had stopt here; but it extended to my poor Children, who, though un∣concern'd in my crimes, were yet to partake in my fate. A Daughter I had, whom the very Law exempted from the stroke of Iustice, because of her Virginity; but to clear that scruple, she was condemn'd first to be ravisht by the Hangman, and then to be be∣headed, and treated as her Father. My first failing was upon temerity and pride: I would out-run my destiny; defie fortune: and for Divine Provi∣dence I lookt upon it as a ridiculous thing. When I was once out of the way, I thought doing worse was some∣what in order to being better; and then I began to fortifie my self by vio∣lence, against craft and malice. Some were put to death, others banisht, till in fin, all the Powers of Heaven and Earth declar'd themselves against me. I had recourse to all sorts of ill peo∣ple, Page  279 and means. I had my Physician for poysoning; my Assassins for revenge; I had my false Witnesses and corrupt Iudges; and in truth, what Instru∣ments of wickedness had I not? And all this not upon choice or inclination; but purely out of the necessity of my condition. When ever I should come to fall, I was sure to be forsaken both of good and bad; and therefore I shun'd the better sort, as those that would only serve to accuse me; but the lewd and vicious I frequented, to encrease the number of my Complices, and make my party the stronger. But after all; if Tiberius was a Tyrant, I'le swear he was never so by my advice: But on the contrary; I have suffer'd more from him for plain dealing and disswading him, than the very subjects of his severity have commonly suffer'd by him. I know, 'tis charg'd upon me, that I stirr'd him up to cruelty, to ren∣der him odious, and to ingratiate my self to the people. But who was his Adviser I pray'e, in this butcherly po∣ceeding against me? Oh Lucifer, Lu∣cifer! you know very well that 〈◊〉Page  280 the practice of Tyrants, when they do amiss themselves, and set their peo∣ple a grumbling, to lay all the blame (and punishment too) upon the In∣strument; and hang up the Minister for the Masters fault. This is the end of all Favourites, cries one; Not a half-penny matter if they were all serv'd so, says another. And every Historian has his saying upon this Ca∣tastrophe, and sets up a Buoy to warn af∣ter-ages of the Rock of Court-favours. The greatness of a Favourite I must confess, proclaims the greatness of his Maker; and the Prince that maintains what he has once rais'd, does but ju∣stifie the prudence of his own choice: and when ever he comes to undo what he has done, publishes himself to be light and unconstant, and does as good as declare himself (even against himself) of the Enemies party.

Up stept Plantian then, (Severus his Favourite) he that was toss'd out of a Garret Window to make the people sport. My condition in the World (says he) was perfectly like that of a Rocket or Fire-work: I was carry'd up to a Pro∣digious Page  281 Height in a Moment, and all peo∣ples Eyes were upon me, as a Star of the first Magnitude; but my Glory was very short-liv'd; and down I fell, into Obscu∣rity, and Ashes. After him, appear'd a number of other Favorites; and all of them hearkening to Bellisarius the Favorite of Iustinian; who Blind as he was, had already knock't twice with his staff, and shaking his Head, with a weak and complaining Voice, desir'd Audience; which was at length granted him, Silence commanded; And he said, as follows.

Princes (said he) before they destroy the Creatures they have rais'd, and chosen, should do well to Consider, that Cruelty, and Inconstancy is much a great∣er Infamy to a Prince, then the Worst effects of it can be to a Favorite. For my own part, I serv'd an Emperour, that was both a Christian, and a great Lo∣ver, and Promoter of Iustice. And yet after all the services I ha done him, in several Battles, and Adventures, (inso∣much that He was effectually become my Debter, for the very glory of his Empire) My Reward, in the End, was Page  282 to have my Eyes put out, and (with a Dog and a Bell) to be turn'd a begging from Door to Door. Thus was That Belizarius treated, whose very Name formerly was Worth an Army, and he was the Soul of his Friends, as well as the Terror of his Enemies. But a Prin∣ce's Favour, is like Quick-silver, Restless, and Slippery, never to be fix'd; never secured. Force it, and it spends it self in Fumes: Sublime it, and 'tis a Mortal Poyson. Handle it only, and it works it self into the very Bones; and all that have to do with it, Live and Dye, Pale, and Trembling.

At these Words, the whole Band of Favorites, set up a Hideous, and a Heavy Grone, trembling like Aspen-leaves, and at the same time, reciting several passa∣ges out of the Prophet Habbacuck, against Careless, and Wicked Governors. By which Threatnings, is given to un∣derstand, that the Almighty, when he has a Mind to destroy a Wicked Ruler, does not always punish one Potentate by Another, and bring his Ends about by a Tryal of Arms, or the Event of a Battle: but many times makes use of things the Page  283 most Abject, and Vile, to Confound the Vanity, and Arrogance of the Mighty; and makes even Worms, Flyes, Caterpil∣lars, and Lice to serve him s the Mini∣sters of his Terrible Iustice: Nay, the Stone in the Wall, and the Beam in the house, shall rise in Iudgment against them.

This Discourse might have gone fur∣ther, but that the Company presently parted, to know the Meaning of a sud∣den Noise, and Clatter they heard, hat half deafen'd the Auditory. And what was it at last? but a Scuffle between the Gown-men, and the Brothers of the Blade; And there were Persons of great Ho∣nour, and Learning, Young, and Old, en∣gag'd in the Fray: The Men of War were at it dashing with their Swords, and the Gentlemen of the Long Robe, fencing, some with Tostatus, Ohers with huge Pandects, that with their old Wainscot Covers were as good as Buck∣lers, and would now and then give the Foe a Heavy Rebuke, over and above. The Combate had certainly been very Bloudy, if one of Lucifer's Constables had not commanded them in the King's Page  284 name to keep the Peace; which made it a Drawn Battle. And with That, one of the Combatants with his best Leg forward, said aloud; If Ye knew (Gen∣tlemen) either Vs, or our Quarrel, you'd say we had reason, and perhaps side with us. At that Instant, there ap∣pear'd Domitian, Commodus, Caracalla, Phalaris, Heliogabalus, Alcetes, Andro∣nicus, Busiris, and old Oliver, with a World of great Personages more; which when Lucifer saw, he dispos'd himself to treat so Majestical an Ap∣pearance, and as much to their satis∣faction as was Possible. And then came up a grave Ancient man, with a great Train at his Heels, all Bloudy, and full of the Marks they had receiv'd under the Persecution of these Tyrants.

You have here before ye, (quoth the Old Man) Solon; and these are the Seven Sages, Native of Greece, but renown'd throughout the Vniverse. He there in the Mortar, is that Anax∣archus that was pounded to Death by Command of Nicocreon. He with the Flat Nose, is Socrates; The little Crump-shoulder'd Wretch, was the Fa∣mous Page  285Aristotle: and T'other there, the Divine Plato. Those in the Corner, are all of the same Profession too; Grave▪ and Learned Philosophers; that have displeas'd Tyrants with their writings: and in fine, the World is stor'd with their works, and Hell with the Authours. To come to the point, (most mighty Lucifer) we are all of us Dealers in Politicks; Great Writers, and Deep-read-men in the Maxims of State, and Government. We have di∣gested Policy into a Method, and laid down Certain Rules, by which Prin∣ces may make themselves Great, and Belov'd. We have advis'd them, Im∣partially to administer Iustice; To re∣ward Virtue, as well Military, as Ci∣vil; to Employ able Men, Banish Flatterers; To put men of Wisdom, and Integrity in Places of Trust. To reward, or Punish, without Passion; and according to the Merits of the Cause, as God's Vice-gerents. And This now is our offence. We name no Body; We design no body; but 'tis Crime enough to wish well to the way, and to the Lovers of Virtue. With Page  286 that, turning toward the Tyrants. Oh most Unjust Princes; (said he) Those Glorious Kings, and Emperours from whom we took the Model of ouLaws, and Instructions, are now in a state of Rest, and Comfort, while you are tor∣mented. Numa is now a Star in the Firmament, and Tarquin a Fire-brand in Hell. And the Memory of Augustus and Trajan is still fresh and fragrant, when the Names of Nero, and Sarda∣napalus are more Putrid, and Odious then their Bodies.

When Dionysius the Tyrant heard this, (with his Companions about him) Flesh and Bloud could hold no longer; and He cry'd out in a Rage,

That Roguy Philosopher has told a Thousand Lyes. Legislators, with a Pox? Yes, yes; they are sweet Legislators; and Princes have many a fair Obligation to them. No, no, Sirrah, (says he to Solon) You are all of yea Company of Quacks; Ye prate, and speculate of things ye don't understand; and with your damn'd Moralities set the People agog upon Liberty; cry up the Doctrine of Free-born Subjects,Page  287 and then our Portion, is persecution in one World, and Infamy in t'other.

We shall have a fine time on't, my most Gracious Prince (cry'd Iulian the Apostate, staring Lucifer in the face) when these Dunghil Pedants, A Com∣pany of Cock-brain'd, Ridiculous, Mortify'd, Ill-bred, Beggerly Tatter∣demallions, shall come to erect a Com∣mittee for Politicks, and pass Sentence upon Governors, and Governments; stiling themselves (forsooth) the Sup∣porters of both; without any more skill then my Horse in what belongs to either. Tell me (says he) if a Brave Prince had not better be Damn'd, then subject himself to hear one of these Turdy-Facy-Paty-Nasty-Lowsy-Fartical Rascals, with a Scabb'd Head, and a Plantation of Lice in his Beard; and his Eyes crept into the Nape of his Neck, pronouncing for an Apho∣risme; That A Prince that looks only to One, is a Tyrant; and that a True King is the Shepherd, and Servant of his People. Ah, Rash, and besotted Coxcombs! If a King looks only to others, who shall look to him? As if Page  288 Princes had not Enemies enough abroad; without being so to them∣selves too. But you may write your Hearts out▪ and never the nearer. Where's our Soveraignty? if we have not our Subjects Lives, and Estates at our Mercy. And where's our Absolute Power? if we submit to the Coun∣sels of our Vassals. If we have not to satisfy our Appetites, Avarice, and Revenge, we want power to dis∣charge the Noblest Ends of Govern∣ment. These Contemplative Ideots, would have us make Choice of Good Officers, to keep the Bad in Order; which were a Madness, in our Con∣dition. Let them be Complaisant, and no matter for any other Merit, or Virtue. A Parcel of Good Offices, hand∣somely dispos'd among a Pack of Cheats, and Atheists, will make us a party ano∣ther Day; whereas all is lost that's be∣stow'd upon honest men; for they're our Enemies; Speak Truth then all of ye, and shame the Devil: for the Butcher fats his Sheep only for the Shambles.

I have said enough, I suppose, to stop Page  289 your Mouths, but here's an Orator will read you another-gates Lecture of Poli∣ticks, then any you have deliver'd, if you'l give him the Hearing. Photinus, advance, (said Iulian) and speak your Mind; whereupon, there appear'd a Brazen-fac'd fellow, with a hanging look, and twenty other marks of a Desperate Villain: who with a Hellish Yell, and three or four wry mouths for a Prologue, brake into his Discourse.

The Wicked Advice of one of Ptolomy's Courtiers, about the Killing of Pom∣pey: taken out of Lucan's Pharsalia. Lib. 8.

MEthinks, under favour, (most Renowned Ptolomy) we are now slipt into a debate, a little beside the business. The question is, whether Pompey should be deliver'd up to Cae∣sar, or no. That is to say, whether in reason of State, it ought to be done▪ and we are formalizing the matter, whether in point of equity and justice it may be done. Bodies Politique have no Souls; and never did any great Prince Page  290 turn a Council of State, into a Court of Conscience, but he repented it. King∣doms are to be govern'd by Politicians, not by Casuists; and there is nothing more contrary to the true interest of Crowns and Empires, then in publick cases, to make a scruple of private du∣ties. The Argument is this; Pompey is in distress: and Ptolomy under an Ob∣ligation; so that it were a violation of Faith and Hospitality, not to relieve him. Now give me leave to reason it the other way. Pompey is forsaken, and persecuted by the Gods; Caesar up∣on the Heels of him, with victory and success. Shall Ptolomy now ruine him∣self, to protect a Fugitive, against both Heaven, and Caesar? I must confess▪ where honesty, and profit are both of a side, 'tis well; but where they disa∣gre, the Prince that does not quit his Religion, for his convenience, falls into a direct conspiracy against himself. He shall lose the Hearts of his Souldiery, and the reputation of his power. Where∣as on the contrary, the most hateful Tyrant in the world shall be able to keep his head above water, let him Page  291 but give a general License to commit all sorts of Wickedness: you'l say 'tis Impious: but I say, what if it be? who shall call you to accompt? These deli∣berations are only for Subjects, that are under Command; and not for Sove∣raign Princes, whose will is a Law.
Exeat Aulâ
Qui volet esse pius.
He was never cut out
For a Court, that's devout.

In fine, since either Pompey or Pto∣lomy must suffer, I am absolutely for the saving of Ptolomy, and the present∣ing of Pompey's head, without any more ado, to Caesar. A dead Dog will never bite.

Photinus had no sooner made an end, but Domitian appear'd in a monstrous Rage, and lugging of poor Suetonius af∣ter him, like a Bear to the stake.

There is not in nature (says he) so damn'd a Generation of Scribling Rogues, as these Historians. We can neither be quiet for them, Living, nor Dead: for Page  292 they haunt us in our very Graves; and when they have vented the Humour, and Caprice of their own Brains, that forsooth must be call'd, The life of such an Emperour. And for an Instance, I'll shew ye what this Impertinent Chroni∣cler says of my self. He had squander'd away his treasure (says he) in expensive Buildings, Comedies, and Donatives to the Souldiers.

Now would I fain know which way it could have been better employ'd.

In another place, he says, that Do∣mitian had some thoughts of easing him∣self in his Military charges, by reducing the number; but that he durst not do, for fear some of his Neighbours should put an affront upon him. So that to lick himself whole, he fell to raking and scraping what ever he could get, either from Dead, or Living; and any Rascals Testimony was proof enough for a Con∣fifcation: for there needed no more to undo an honest man, then to tell a Tale at Court, that such a one had spoken ill of the Prince.

Is this the way of treating Majesty? what could this impudent Pedant have Page  293 said worse, if he had been speaking of a Pick-pocket or a Pirate? But Prin∣ces and Thieves are all one to them.

He says further, that Domitian made seizure of several Estates, without any sort of right whatsoever; and there went no more to his Title, than for a false Witness to depose, that he heard the Defunct declare, before he dy'd, that he made Caesar his Heir. He set such a Tax upon the Jews, that many of them deny'd their Religion to avoid it; and I remember that when I was a young fellow, I saw an old man of fourscore and ten taken upon suspicion by one of Domitian's spies, and turn'd up in a publick Assembly, to see if he were cir∣cumcised.

Be you now Judges, Gentlemen of the Black-Guard, if this be not a most intolerable indignity. Am I to answer for the actions of my inferior Officers? it amazes me that my Successors should ever endure these scandalous reports to be publisht, especially a∣gainst a Prince that had laid out so much money in repairng the Libra∣ries that were burnt.

Page  294It is very true (said Suetonius in a doleful tone) and I have not forgotten to make mention of it to your Honour. But what will you say, if I shew you in a Warrant under your hand, this exe∣crable and impious Blasphemy? It is the Command of your Lord and God. And in fine, if I speak nothing but truth, where's your cause of complaint? I have written the Lives too of the great Iulius Caesar, and the divine Augustus, and the world will not say but I have done them right. But for your self, and such as you, that are effectually but so many incarnate and crowned Plagues, what fault have I committed in setting before your eyes those Tyrannies, which Heaven and Earth cannot but look up∣on with Dread and Horrour?

This discourse of Suetonius was in∣terrupted by the Babbler or Boutefeu, that rounded Lucifer in the Ear, and told him,

Look ye Sir (says he, point∣ing with his finger) that limping Devil there, that looks as if he were sur∣bated with beating the Hoof, has been abroad in the world, this twenty year, and is but just now come back Page  295 again.
Come hither Sirrah, crys Lu∣cifer; and so the poor Cur went wrig∣ling and gloting up toward his Prince.
You are a fine Rogue to be snt of an Errand, are ye not? (••ys Lucifer) to stay twenty year out, and come back again e'en as wise as ye went: What souls have ye boght now? or what news from t'other world?
Ha! Your Highness (quoth the Dvil) has too much honour and justice to condemn me unheard. Wherefore be pleased to remember, that at my going out, you gave me charge of a certain Merchant; It cost me the first ten year of my time to make him a Thief, and ten more to keep him from turning honest again, and re∣storing what he had stolen. A fine fetch for a Devil this, is it not? cry'd Lucifer. But Hell is no more the Hell it was when I knew it first, than Chalk is Cheese: And the Devils now adays are so damn'dly insipid and dry, they're hardly worth the roasting. A sensls Puppy to come back to me with a story of Waltham's Calf, that went nine mile to suck a Bull. But he's not Master of his Trade yet: and with that Lucifer bad one of his Page  296 Officers take him away and put him to School again; for I perceive he's a Ras∣cal, says he, and he has e'en been roguing at a Play-house, when he should have been at Church.

In that instant, from behind a little hill, a great many men came running as hard as they could drive after a compa∣ny of Women: The Men crying out, Stop, Stop; and the Women crying for Help. Lucifer commanded them all to be seiz'd, and askt what was the matter. Alas, alas! (cry'd one of the men, quite out of breath) These Carrions have made us Fathers, though we never had Children. Govern your Tongue, Sirrah (cry'd a Devil of Honour, that had a kindness for the Ladies) and speak truth: for 'tis utterly impossible you should be Fa∣thers without Children. Pardon me, said the Fellow, we were marry'd men, and honest men, and good House-keepers, and have born Offices in the Parish, and have Children that call us Fathers: But 'tis a strange thing, we have been abroad some of us by the seven year together; Others, as long Bed-rid; and so impotent, that the Civilians would have put us Page  297inter frigidos & maleficiatos; and yet our Wives have brought us every year a Child, which we were such Fools as to keep and bring up, and give our selves to the Devil at last to get them Estates; out of a charitable perswasion (for∣sooth) they might yet be our own, though for a twelve-month together (perhaps) we never so much as exa∣min'd whether our Wives were Fish or Flesh. But now since the Mothers are dead, and the Children grown up, we have found the Tools that made them. One has the Coach-mans Nose; another the Gentleman-Vsher's Legs; a third a Cousin-german's Eyes. And some we are to presume, conceiv'd purely by strength of imagination, or else by the Ears like Weazels.

Thereupon appear'd a little Remnant of a man; a dapper Spaniard, with a kind of a Besome-beard, and a Voice not unlike the Yapping of a foysting Cur. As he came neer the Company, he set up his throat, and call'd out: Ah Jade! says he, I shall now take ye to task, ye Whore you, for making me Father my Negro's Bastard, and for the Estate I Page  298 setled upon him. I did ever misdoubt foul play, but should never have dreamt of That ugly Toad, when there was such choice of handsome, lusty young Fellows about us; but it may be she had them too. I curst the Monks many and many a time, I remember, to the Pit of Hell, Heaven forgive me for't▪ for the Strumpet would be perpetually gad∣ding abroad, under colour of going to Confession, and in sooth, I was never any great Friend to Penance and Morti∣fication. And then would I be easing my mind ever and anon to this cursed Moor. I cannot imagine (said I) where this Mistress of thine should commit all the sins that she goes every hour of the day to confess at yonder Monastery. And then would this Dog-Moor an∣swer me. Alas good Lady! I would e'en venture my Soul with hers with all my heart; she spends all her time you see in holy Duties. I was at that time so innocent, that I suspected nothing more, than a pure Respect and Civility to my Wife; but I have learnt better since, and that effectually his Soul and hers were commonly ventur'd in the Page  299 same Bottom; yes and their Bodies too, as I perceive by their Magpy Issue, for the Bastards take after both Father and Mother.

So that at this rate, cry'd the adopt∣ed Fathers, the Husband of a Whore has a plesant time on't. First, he's subject∣ed to all the Pukings, Longings, and pee∣vish importunities, that a breeding Wo∣man gives those about her till she's Laid; and then comes the squalling of the Child, and the Twittle-twattle-Gos∣sippings of the Nurse and Midwife, that must be well treated too, well lodg'd, and well paid. A sweet Baby, says one (to the Jade the Mother on't) 'tis e'en as like the Father as if he had spit it out on's mouth: It has the very Lips, the very Eyes of him, when 'tis no more like him, than an Apple is like an Oyster. And in conclusion, when we have born all this, and twenty times more in t'other World with a Christian Pati∣ence, we are hurry'd away to Hell, and here we lie a Company of damn'd Cuck∣olds of us; and here we are like to lie, for ought I see, in Saecula Saeculorum: which is very hard, and in truth out of all reason.

Page  300I cut this Visit short, to see what news in a deep Vault neer at hand, where we heard a great bustle and contest betwixt divers Souls and the Devils. There were the Presumptuous, the Revengeful, and the Envious, gaping and crying out as they would break their hearts. Oh, that I could but be born again! says one; Oh, that I might back into the world again! says another; Oh, that I were but to die once more! crys a third. Inso∣much that they put the Devils out of all Patience, with their impertinent and unprofitable Wishes and Exclamations. Hang your selves, cry'd they, for a pack of cousening, bawling Rascals: You live again? and be born again? and what if you might do't a thousand times over? You would only die at last a thousand times greater Villains, than now you are, and there would be no clearing Hell of you with a Dog-whip. How∣ever, to try you, and make you know your selves; we have Commission to let you Live again and Return. Vp then ye Varlets, go, be born again: Get ye into the World again. Away, cry'd the De∣vils, with a lusty lash at every word, Page  301 and thrust hard to have got them out. But the poor Rogues hung an Arse, and were struck with such a Terrour, to hear of Living again, and Returning, that they slunk into a Corner, and lay as quiet upon't, as Lambs.

At length, one of the Company that seem'd to have somewhat more Brain, and Resolution then his Fellows, en∣ter'd very gravely upon the Debate, whether they should go out, or no.

If I should now, says he, at my Second Birth, come into the World a Bastard; The shame would be mine, though my Pa∣rents committed the fault; and I should carry the Scandal, and the In∣famy of it to my Grave. Now put Cale, my Mother should be honest, (for that's not Impossible) and that I came into the World, Legitimate; how ma∣ny Follies, Vices, and Diseases are there that run in a Bloud! who knows, but I should be Mad, or Simple? Swear, Lye, Cheat, Whore; Nay if I came off, with a Little Mortification of my Car∣cass, as the Stone, the Scurvy, or the Noble Pox, I were a happy Man. But oh the Lodging, the Diet, and the Page  302Cookery that I am to expect for a mat∣ter of Nine Months in my Mother's belly: and then the Butter and Beer that must be spent to sweeten me, when I change my Quarter. I must come Crying into the World, and live in ignorance even of what Life is, till I dye; and then as ignorant of Death too, till 'tis past. I Phansy my Swad∣ling-Clouts, and Blankets to be worse then my Winding-sheet; My Cradle represents my Tomb. And then who knows, whether my Nurse shall be sound, or No? Shee'l over-lay me perhaps; leave me some four and twenty hours, it may be, without clean Clouts, and a Pin or Two all the while perchance, up to the Hilts in my back-side. And then follows Breeding of Teeth, and Worms; with all the Gripes, and Disorders that are caus'd by Vnwholesome Milk. These Miseries are Certain, and why should I run them over again?

If it happen that I pass the state of Infancy, without the Pox, or Meazils: I must be then pack't away to School, to get the Itch; a Scal'd Head, or a Page  303 pair of Kib'd Heels. In Winter, 'tis ten to one you find me always with a Snotty Nose; and perpetually under the Lash, if I either miss my Lesson, or go late to Shool. So that Hang him for my Part that would be born again; for any thing I see yet.

When I come up toward Man; the Women will have me as sure as a Gun, for they have a Thousand Ginnes, and Devices to catch Wood-cocks; and if ever I come to set eye upon a Lass that understands Dress, and Raillery, I'm gone, if there were no more Lads in Christendom. But for my part I am as sick as a Dog, of Powdering, Curling, and playing the Lady-bird. I would not for all the world be in the Shooma∣kers stocks, and choak my self over a∣gain in a streight Doublet; only to have the Ladies say, Look, what a Delicate shape, and foot that Gentleman has. And I should take as little pleasure to spend six hours, of the four and twen∣ty, in picking Grey hairs out of my Head, or Beard; or turning White in∣to Black: To stand half ravish't in the contemplation of my own shadow: Page  304 To dress fine, and go to Church only to see handsome Ladies: To correct the Midnight Air with ardent sighs, and Ejaculations; and to keep company with Owls, and Batts, like a Bird of Evil Omen: To walk the round of a Mistress lodging, and play at Bo-peep at the corner of every street: To adore her imperfections, (or as the song says, — for her Vgliness, and for her want of Coin) To make Bracelets of her Locks, and truck a Pearl Neck∣lace for a Shoo-string. At this rate, I say, Cursed again and again be he, for my part, that would live over again so Wretched a Life.

Being come now to write full Man; If I have an Estate, how many Cares, Suits and Wrangles go along with it! If I have None, what Murmuring, and Regret, at my Misfortunes! By this Time, the Sins of my Youth are got∣ten into my Bones; I grow Sowre, and Melancholy; Nothing pleases me; I curse old Age to Ten thousand Devils, and the Youth which I can never reco∣ver in my Veins, I endeavour to fetch out of the Barber's Shops, from Per∣ruques, Page  305 Razors, and Patches, to con∣ceal, or at least disguise all the Marks and Evidences of Nature in her De∣cay. Nay, when I shall have never an Eye to see with, nor a Tooth left in my head; Gowty Legs; Wind-mills in my Crown; my Nose running like a Tap, and Gravel in my Reins, by the Bushel; then must I make Oath that all this is nothing but mere Accident, gotten by Lying in the Field, or the like, and out-face the Truth in the very Teeth of so many undeniable Witnesses. There is no Plague Comparable to this Hypocrisy of the Members. To have an Old Fop shake his Heels, when he's ready to fall to pieces; and cry, These Legs would make a shift yet to play with the best Legs in the Company; and then with a lusty Thump on's Breast, fetch ye up a Hem, and cry, Sound at Heart Boy, and a Thousand other Fooleries of the like Nature. But all this is No∣thing, to the Misery of an Old fellow in Love; especially if he be put to Gallant it against a Company of Young Gamesters. Oh the Inward shame, and Vexation, to see himself scarce so Page  306 much as Neglected. It happens some∣times times that a Iolly Lady, for want of better Entertainment, may content her self with one of these Reverend Fornicators, instead of a Whetstone; but alack, alack! the poor Man i weak, though willing; and after a whole Night spent, in cold, and frivolous Pretences, and Excuses, away he goes with Torments of Rage, and Confusion about him, not to be exprest; and many a heavy Curse is sent after him for keeping a poor Lady from her Natural Rest, to so little purpose. How often must I be put to the Blush too, when every old Toast shall be calling me Old Acquaintance, and telling me, Oh Sir, 'tis many a fair Day since you and I knew one Another first. I think 'twas in the four and thirtieth of the Queen, that we were School-fellows. How the World's alter'd since! &c. And then must my head be turn'd to a Memento Mori: My flesh, dissolv'd into Rheums; My Skin, Wither'd, and Wrinkl'd; with a staff in my Hand, knocking the Earth at every trembling step, as if I call'd upon my Grave to receive me: Page  307walking, like a Moving Phantosme; my Life little more then a Dream; My Reins, and Bladder turn'd into a Per∣fect Quarry; and the Vrinal, or Piss∣pot my whole Study. My next heir, watching, every Minute, for the long-look't-for, and happy hour of my De∣parture; And in the mean time, I'm become the Physicians Revenue; and the Surgeons Practice, with an Apothe∣caries shop in my Guts; and every old Iade calling me Grandsire. No no▪ I'l no more Living again, I thank ye: One Hell rather then two Mothers.

Let us now consider the Comforts of Life: The Humours, and the Man∣ners. He that would be Rich, must play the Thief, or the Cheat; He that would rise in the World, must turn Pa∣rasite, Informer, or Projecter. He that Marries, Ventures fair for the Horn, either before, or after. There is no Valour, without Swearing, Quarrelling or Hectoring. If ye are poor, No body Owns ye. If Rich, you'l know No body. If you dye Young, what pity it was (they'l say) that he should be cut off thus in his Prime. If Old: He was e'en Page  308 past his best; there's no great Mis of him. If you are Religious, and fre∣quent the Church, and the Sacrament; You're an Hypocrite; And without this, y'are an Atheist, or an Heretick. If you are Gay, and pleasant, you pass presently for a Buffon: and if Pensive, and reserv'd, you are taken to be soure, and Censorious. Courtesy is call'd Collo∣guing, and Currying of Favour: Down∣right Honesty, and plain-dealing, is In∣terpreted to be Pride, and Ill manners. This is the World; and for all that's in't, I would not have it to go over again. If any of ye, My Masters (said he to his Camerades) be of another Opinion, hold up your hands. No, No (they cry'd all Unanimously) No more Generation-work, I beseech ye; Better the Devils, then the Mid∣wives.

After This, came a Testator, cursing, and Raving, like a Bedlam, that He had made his last Will, and Testament.

Ah Villein! (said he) for a Man to murder himself as I have done! If I had not Seal'd, I had not dy'd. Of all things, next a Physician, Deliver me from a Testa∣ment.Page  309 It has kill'd more then the Pe∣stilence. Oh Miserable Mortals; let the Living take warning by the Dead, and make no Testaments. It was my hard Luck, first to put my Life into the Physicians power, and then by ma∣king my Will, to sign the Sentence of Death upon my self, and my Own Exe∣cution. Put your Soul, and your Estate in Order, (says the Doctor) for there's no hope of Life; And the Word was no sooner out, but I was so wise and Devout (forsooth) as to fall imme∣diately upon the Prologue of my Will, with an In Nomine Domini, Amen, &c. And when I came to dispose of my Goods and Chattels I pronounc'd these Bloody Words (I would I had been Tongue-ty'd when I did it) I make and Constitute my Son, my Sole Exec'tor. Item, to my Dear Wife, I give and Be∣queath all my Playes, and Romances, and all the Furniture in the Rooms up∣on the Second Story. To my very good Friend T. B. my large Tankard, for a Remembrance. To my Foot-boy Robin, five pound to bind him Prentice: To Betty that tended me in my sickness, Page  310my little Candle-Cup. To Mr. Doctor, my fair Table-Diamond, for his Care of me in my Illness. After Signing, and Sealing, the Ink was scarce dry upon the Paper, but methought the Earth open'd as if it had been hungry to de∣vour me. My Son and my Legatees were presently Casting it up, how many hours I might yet hold out. If I call'd for the Cordial Iulep, or a little of Dr. Gilbert's Water; my Son was taking Possession of my Estate: My Wife so busy about the Beds, and Hangings, that she could not intend it. The Boy, and the Wench could under∣stand Nothing but about their Lega∣cies. My very good Friend's Mind was wholly upon his Tankard. My kind 〈◊〉 I must confess took Occasion now and then, to handle my Pulse, and see whe∣ther the Diamond were of the right Black Water, or no. If I ask't him, what I might Eat; his Answer was; Any thing, any thing, E'en what you please your self. At every Grone I fetch't, they were calling for their Legacies; which they could not have till I was Dead.

But if I were to begin the World Page  311 again,

I think I should make another kind of Testament. I would say. A Curse upon him that shall have my Estate when I am Dead: And may the first bit of Bread he eats out on't, choak him. The Devil in Hell take what I cannot carry away, and him too, that struggles for't, if He can Catch him. If I dye, let my Boy Robin have the Strappado, three hours a day, to be duly paid him during Life. Let my Wife dye of the Pip, or the Mother; (not a half penny matter which) but let her first live long Enough to Plague the Damn'd Doctor, and Indite him for poysoning her Poor Husband.
To speak sincerely, I can never forgive that Dog-Leech. Was it not enough to make me Sick, when I was well, without making me Dead, when I was Sick? And not to rest there neither, but to persecute me in my Grave too. But to say the Truth, this is only Neighbour's-fare; for all those fools that trust in them, are serv'd with the same Sawce. A Vomit, or a Purge is as good a Pass-port into the other World, as a man would wish. And then when our heads are laid; 'tis never to be en∣dured, Page  312 the Scandals they cast upon our Bodies, and Memories! Heaven rest his Soul (crys one) He kill'd himself with a Debauch. How is't possible (says another) to cure a man that keeps no Diet? He was a Mad-man; (crys a Third) a Meer Sot, and would not be govern'd by his Physi∣cian. His Body was as Rotten as a Pear: He had as many Diseases as a Horse: and it was not in the Power of Man to save him. And truly 'twas well that his hour was come, for he had better a great deal Dye well, then live on as he did. Thieves and Murtherers that ye are; You your selves are that hour ye talk of. The Physician is only Death in a Disguise, and brings his Patients Hour along with him. Cru∣el People! Is it not Enough to take away a Man's life; and like Common Hang-men to be paid for't when ye have done: but you must blast the Honour too of those you have dispatch't, to excuse your Ignorance? Let but the Li∣ving follow my Counsel, and write their Testaments after This Copy, they shall live long and Happily; and not go out of the World at last, like a Rat with a straw in his Arse (as a learned Author Page  313 has it) or be cut off in the flower of their days, by these Counterfeit Doctors of the faculty of the Close-stool.

The dead man ply'd his discourse with so much Gravity and Earnestness, that Lucifer began to believe what he said. But because all Truths are not to be spoken, especially among the Devils, where hardly any are admitted; and for fear of mischief, if the Doctors should come to hear what had been said, Lu∣cifer presently order'd the Fellow should be Gagg'd, or to put in security for his good behaviour.

His mouth was no sooner stopt, but another was open'd; and one of the damn'd came running cross the Compa∣ny, and so up and down, back and for∣ward (like a Cur that had lost his Ma∣ster) bawling as if he had been out of his Wits, and crying out,

Oh! Where am I? Where am I? I am abus'd, I am chous'd: What's the meaning of all this? Here are damning Devils; tempt∣ing Devils; and tormenting Devils; but the Devil a Devil can I find of the Devils that brought me hither: They have gotten away my Devils: where Page  314 are they? Give me my Devils again.

It might well make the Company stare, to see a Fellow hunting for Devils in Hell, where they swarm in Legions. But as he was in this Hurry, a Governante caught him by the arm, and gave him a half turn, and stopt him. Thou art a Luckey-bird (says she) if thou wantest Devils here, where do'st expect to find them? He knew her as soon as he saw her. And

Art thou here old Beelzebub in a Petticoat? (said he) the very Pi∣cture of Satan; The Coupler of Male and Female; The Buckle and Thong of Leachery; The Multiplyer of sin, and the Guide of Sinners; The Sea∣soner of Rotten Mutton; The Inter∣pretress betwixt Whores and Knaves; The Preface to the Remedy of Love, and the Prologue to the Critical Mi∣nute. Speak, and without more ado, tell me; where are the Devils and their Dams that brought me hither? These are none of them. No, no; I am not such and Awfe as to be Trepan'd, and spirited away by Devils with Tails, Horns, Bristles, Wings, that smell as if they had been smoakt in a Chimney-Corner.Page  315 The Devils that I look for, are worse than these. Where are the Mo∣thers that play the Bawds to their own Daughters? and the Aunts that do as much for their Neices, and make them caper and sparkle like Wild-fire? The black-ey'd Girls, that carry fire in their Eyes, and strike as sure as a Lance from the Rest of a Cavalier? Where are the Flatterers, that speak nothing but pleasing things? The Make-bates and Incendiaries, that are the very Canker of Humane Society? Where are the Story-Mongers? The Masters of the fa∣culty of Lying? That Report more than they, Hear, Affirm more than they Know, and swear more than they Believe. Those slanderous Backbiters, that like Vultures prey only upon Carrion? Where are the Hypocrites that turn Devotion into Interest, and make a Revenue of a Com∣mandment? That pretend Extasie when they are drunk; and utter the Fumes and Dreams of their Luxury and Tipple for Revelations? That make Chppels of their Parlours; Preachment of their ordinary Enter∣tainments; and every thing they do Page  316 is a miracle. They can Divine all that's told them; and raise people to life again, that counterfeit sick, when they should work; and give an honest man to the Devil with a Deo gratias. These are the Devils I would be at: These are they that have damn'd me; look them out, and find them for me, ye impudent Hag, or I shall be so bold as to search your French Hood for them.
And with that word, he fell on upon the poor Governante, tore off her Head-Geer, and laid about him so furi∣ously, that there were would have been no getting him off, if Lucifer had not made use of his Absolute Authority to quiet him.

Immediately upon the composing of this Fray, we heard the shooting of Bars and Bolts, the opening of Doors and Hinges that creakt for want of Grease, and a strange humming of a great number of People. The first that appear'd, were a company of Bold, Tal∣kative, and painted old Women; but as bonny and gamesome, tickling and toying with one another, as if they had never seen Fifteen; and carrying it out with Page  317 an Air of much satisfaction and content. The Babbler was somewhat scandaliz'd at their Behaviour; and told them how ill they did to be so merry in Hell: and several others admir'd it as much, and askt them the reason of it, considering their Condition. With that, one of the Gang that was wretchedly thin and pale, and rais'd upon a pair of Heels that made her legs longer than her Body, told Lucifer, with great Respect; that at their first coming, they were as sad as it was possible for a company of damn'd old Iades to be. But (says she) we were a little comforted, when we heard of no other Punishments here, than Weep∣ing and Gnashing of Teeth; and in some hope to come off upon reasonable terms: for we have not among us all so much as a drop of moisture in our bo∣dies, nor a Tooth in our Heads. Search them presently (cry'd the Intermedler) squeeze the Balls of their Eyes, and let their Gums be examin'd, you'll find Snags, Stumps, or Roots; or enough of somewhat or other there to spoil the Jest. Upon the Scrutiny, they were found so dry, that they were good for Page  318 nothing in the world, but to serve for Tinder or Matches; and so they were di∣spos'd of into the Devils Tinder-boxes.

While they were casing up the Old Women, there came on a number of people of several sorts and qualities, that all'd out to the first they saw; Pray'e Gentlemen (said they) before we go any further, will ye direct us to the Court of Rewards? How's That? (cry'd one of the Company) I was afraid we had been in Hell; but since you talk of Rewards, I hope 'tis but Purgatory. Good, Good! (said the whole Multitude) you'l quickly find where you are: Purgatory! (cry'd the Intermedler) you have left that up the Hill there, upon the Right hand. This is Hell, and a Place of Punishment; Here's no Registry of Rewards. Then we are mistaken (said he that spake first.) How so? (cry'd the Intermedler) You shall hear (said the other) We were in the other world intitled to the Order of the Squires of the Pad; and borrow'd now and then a small sum upon the Kings High-way: we understood somewhat too of the Cross-bite, and the use of the frail Dye. Some of our conscientious Page  319 and charitable friends, would fain have drawn us off from the course we were in; and to give them their due, bestow'd a great deal of good counsel upon us to very little purpose; for we were in a pretty way of Thriving, and had got∣ten a habit of, and could not leave it. We askt them, What would you have us do? Money we have none, and without it, there's no living: should we stay till it were brought, or came alone? How would ye have a poor Individuum Vagum to live? That has neither Estate, Office, Master, nor Friend to maintain him: and is quite out of his Element, unless he be either in a Tavern, a Bawdy-house, or a Gaming Ordinary. Now, That's the man, that Providence has appointed to live by his Wits. Our Advisers saw there was no good to be done, and went their way, telling us, that in the other world we should meet with our Reward.

They would tell us sometime, how base a thing it was to defame the house, and abuse the Bed of a Friend. Our An∣swer was ready;

Well! and had we not better do it there where the house is open to us, the Master and Lady Page  320 kind, the occasion fair and easie; than to run a Catterwawling into a Family where every servant in the house is a spy, and (perhaps) a Fellow behind every door in the house with a Dagger, or Pistol in his hand to entertain us.
Upon this, our Grave Counsellours find∣ing us so resolute, e'en gave us over, and told us as before; that, In the other world we should meet with our Reward. Now taking This to be the other World these honest men told us of, we are inquiring after the Rewards they pro∣mis'd us.

Abominable Scoundrels! said an Offi∣cer of Iustice, there at hand; How ma∣ny of your reprobated Companions, have squander'd away their Fortunes upon Whores and Dice, exposing not on∣ly their Wives and Children, but many a Noble Family to a shameful and irrepa∣rable Ruine: And let any man put in a word of wholsome advice, their An∣swer is,

Tush, Tush; Our Wives and Children are in the hands of Provi∣dence; and let him provide for the Rooks, that feeds the Ravens.
Then was it toldye, you should find your Reward Page  321 in the other World; and the time is now come, wherein ye shall receive it: Vp, up then ye cursed Spirits, and away with them. At which word, a Legion of De∣vils fell on upon the miserable Cai∣tiffs, with Whips and Firebrands, and gave them their long expected Reward; And at every lash, a voice was heard to say; In the other World you shall receive your Reward. These Wretches in the mean while, damning and sinking them∣selves to the pit of Hell, still, as if they had been upon Earth, and vomiting their customary and execrable Blasphe∣mies.

Just as this storm blew over, there drew neer a multitude of Bayliffs, Ser∣jeants, Catchpoles, and other Officers of Prey, with the Thieves Devil, bound hand and foot, and a foul Accusation against him. Whereupon Lucifer with a fell countenance took his seat in a flaming Chair, and call'd his Officers about him. So soon as the Prince had taken his place, a certain Officer began his Report.

Here is before thee (quoth he) a Devil (most mighty Lucifer) that stands charg'd with Ignorance in his Page  322 Trade; and the shame of his Quali∣ty and Profession, instead of damning men, he has made it his business to save them. The word save, put the Court in such a Rage, that they bit their lips, till the bloud started, and the fire sparkled at their Eyes; and Lucifer, turning about to his Atturney; Who would ever have imagin'd, said he, that so treacherous a Rascal could have been harbour'd in my Dominions? It is most certain, my gracious Lord, re∣ply'd the Atturney, that this Devil has been very diligent in drawing people into Thefts and Pilferies, and then when they come to be discover'd, they are clapt up and hang'd, or some mis∣chief or other. But still before Execu∣tion, the Ordinary calls them to shrift; and many times the toy takes them in the head, to confess and repent, and so they are sav'd. Now this sily Devil thinks, that when he has brought them to Steal, Murther, Coin, and the like, he has done his part, and so he leaves them: whereas he should stick close to them in the Prison; and be tempt∣ing of them to despair, and make away Page  323 themselves. But when they are once left to the Priest, he commonly brings them to a sight of their sins, and they 'scape. Now this simple Devil was not aware, it seems, that many a soul goes to Heaven from the Gallows, the Wheel, and the Faggot: and this failing has lost your Highness many a fair Pur∣chase. Here's enough (cry'd the Pre∣sident) and there needs no more Charge against him. The poor Devil thought it was high time to speak now, when they were just upon the point of pas∣sing his Sentence: and so he cry'd out, My Lord (said he) I beseech you hear me; for though they say the Devil is deaf, it is not meant of your Great∣ness: so there was a general silence, and thus he proceeded.

I cannot deny (my Lord) but Tyburn is the way to Paradise, and many a man goes to Heaven from the Gallows. But if you will set those that are damn'd for condemning others, against those that are sav'd from the Gallows, Hell will be found no Loser by me at the foot of the Accompt. How mny Marshal's-me, Turn-keys, and Keepers have I sent Page  324 ye for letting a Coiner give them the slip now and then, with his false Mo∣ney (alwaies provided they leave better Money instead on't) How many false Witnesses, and Knights of the Post, that would set their Consciences like Clocks to go faster or slower, according as they had more or less weight, and swear ex tempore, at all Rates and Prices! How many Sollicitors, Atturneys, and Clerks, that would draw ye up a Decla∣ration or an Inditement so slily, that I my self could hardly discover any Errour in't; and yet when it came to the Test, it was as plain as the nose on a mans face (that is to say again, Provi∣ded they were well paid for the Fa∣shion) How many Iaylers that would wink at an Escape for a Lusty Bribe! And how many Atturneys that would give ye Dispatch or Delay thereafter as they were greas'd! Now after all this, what does it signifie, if one Thief of a thousand comes to the Gallows? he only suffers because he was poor, that there may be the better Trading for the Rich, and without any design in the world to suppress stealing. Nay It often falls Page  325 out, that they that bring the Malefactor to the Gibbet, are the worse Criminals of the two. But they are never lookt af∣ter; or if they should be, they have tricks and fetches enough to bring themselves off; so that it fares in this case, as it did with him that had his house troubled with Rats, and would needs take in a company of Cats to destroy them: The Rats would be nibbling at his Cheese, his Bacon, a crust of Bread, and now and then a Candles End: But when the Cats came, down went a Milk-bowl, away goes a Brace of Partriges, or a Couple of Pigeons; and the poor man must content himself to go supperless to Bed. In the Conclusion, the Rats were troublesome, but the Cats were intolerable. And then there's This in't: supposeOne poor fellow hangs and goes to Heaven; I do but give him in truck for two hundred at least, that deserve to be hang'd, but 'scape and go to Hell at last. Beside; A Thief upon a Gibbet, is as good as a Roasted-Dog in a Pigeon∣house; for ye shll immediately have two or three thousand Witches about him, for sips of his Hlter, an Eye-Tooth,Page  326 or a Collop of his Fat, which i of Soveraign use in many of their Charms. But in fine, let me do what I will, my services are not understood. My Successor, it may be, will dis∣charge his Duty Better, and indeed I am very well content to lay down my Commission; for, (to say the Truth) I am in Years, and would gladly have a Little Rest now, in my old age, which I rather propose to my self in the Service of some Pretender, then where I am.

Lucifer heard him with great Pati∣ence, and in the End, gave him all the satisfaction imaginable; strictly charg∣ing the Evil Spirits that had abus'd him, to do so no more, upon hazard of Pain Corporal, and Spiritual: And they de∣sir'd him too, that he would not lay down his Employment, for he was strong enough yet to do very good ser∣vice in it. But to think of Easing him∣self, by going to a Pretender, he'd find himself mistaken, for 'twas a Duty he'd never be able to endure. Well! (says he) ee'n what your Highness pleases. But truly I thught a Devil might have Page  327 liv'd very Comfortably in that Condi∣tion; for he has no more to do, that I can see, then to keep his Ears open, and learn his Trade. For put Case it should be some Pretender to a Good Office, or a fat Bishoprick (though the Fathers, and Counsels are against Pretenders in This Case) I Phansy to my self, all the Plea∣sure, and Divertisement that may be. It is as good as going to School, for these People teach the Devils their A. B. C. And all that we have to do, is to sit still, and learn.

The Vision that follow'd this, was the Daemon of Tabacca; which I must con∣fess did not a little surprize me. I have indeed, often said to my self; Certainly These Smokers are Possest; but I could never swear it till now. I have (said the Devil) by bringing this Weed into Spain, reveng'd the Indians upon the Spaniards for all the Massacres and Butcheries they committed there, and done Them more Mischief, then ever Colon, Cortes, Almero, Pizarro did in the Indies: By how much it is more ho∣nourable, to dye upon a Sword's point, by Gun-shot, or at the Mouth of a Can∣non; Page  328 then for a man to Snivel, and Sneeze himself into another World; or to go away in a Meagrim, or a Spotted-Feaver, perchance; which is the Ordi∣nary effect of this poysonous Tabacca. It is with Tobacconists, as 'tis with Demoni∣acs under an Exorcism; They fume, and Vaper, but the Devil sticks to them still. Many there are that make a very Idol of it, they admire, they adore it, tempting and persecuting all people to take it, and the bare mention of it, puts them into an Extasie. In the Smoke, it is a Probation for Hell, where another day they must Endure Smoking; Taken in Powder, at the Nose, it draws upon Youth the Incommodities of old age, in the perpetual Annoyance of Rheum, and Drivel.

The Devil of Subornation came next, which was a good complexion'd, and a well timber'd Devil: to my great A∣mazement I must acknowledg, for I had never seen any Devils till now, but what were Extreme Ugly. The Air of his face was so familiar to me, that me∣thought I had seen it in a Thousand se∣veral places; somtime under a Veil, Page  329 sometime open; now under one shape, and then under another. One while he call'd himself Child's-play; Another while, Kind Entertainment; Here, Pay∣ment; there, Restitution; and in a third place, Almes: but in fine, I could never learn his right Name. I remember in some places I have heard him call'd In∣heritance; Profit; Good Cheap; Patri∣mony, Gratitude. Here he was call'd Doctor; there, Batchelor. With the Lawyers, Solliciters, and Atturneys, he past under the Name of Right; and the Confessers call'd him Charity.

He was well accompany'd, and stil'd himself Satan's Lieutenant: but there was a Devil of Consequence that oppos'd him, might and main: and made This Proclamation of himself. Be it known, (says he) that I am the Great Embroyler, and Politick Entangler of Affairs. The Deluder of Princes, The Pretext of the Vnworthy, and the Excuse of Tyrants. I can make Black, White; and give what Colour I please to the foulest Actions in Nature. If I had a Mind to overturn the World, and put all in a general Confusion, I could do it; for I have it in my Power, Page  330 to Banish Order and Reason out of it: To turn Sauciness, and Importunity into Merit; Example into Necessity; To give Law to Success; Authority to Infamy; and Credit to Insolence. I have the Tongues of all Counsellers at my Girdle, and they shall speak neither more nor less then just as I please. In short, That's Easie to me which others account Impossible, and while I live, ye need ne∣ver fear either Virtue, Justice or Good Government in the World. This Devil of Subornation, that talks of his Lieu∣tenancy, what could he ever have done without me? He's a Rascal that no Person of Quality would admit into his Company, if I did not fit him with Vi∣zors, and Disguises. Let him hold his Tongue then, and know himself; and let me hear no more of those Disputes about the Lieutenancy of Hell, for I have Lucifer's Broad Seal to shew for my Title to't.

For my part (cry'd another Muti∣nous Spirit) I am one of those humble-minded Devils that can content my self to hold the Door, upon a good Occasion; or knock under the Table, and play at Page  331 small Game rather then stand out. But few words among Friends are best, and when I have spoken three or four, let him come up that lists. I am then (says he) the Devil Interpreter, and my bu∣siness is to Gloss upon the Text; In which Case, the Cuckolds are Exceed∣ingly beholden to me; for I have much to say for the Honour of the Horn. How should a poor fellow that has a handsome Wench to his Wife, and never a penny to live on, hold up his Head in the World, if it were not for that Quality? I have a pretty faculty in doing good Offices for Distressed Ladies, at a time of Need; and I make the whole Sex sensible how great a Folly, and Madness it is to neg∣lect those sweet opportunities. Among other Secrets, I have found out a way to establish an Office for Thievery, where the Officers shall be Thieves and Iustify it when they have done. Here he stop't.

There was a short Silence, and then there appear'd another Devil, of about a foot and a half long. I am (says he) a Devil but of a small size, and perhaps one of the least in Hell; and yet the Door opens to me as well as to ano∣ther; Page  332 for I never come Empty-handed. Why, what have you brought then? (says the Intermedler) and came up to him; What have I brought? (quoth he) I have brought an Eternal Talker, and a Finical Flatterer: They are two pieces, that were in high Esteem in the Cabinets of two Great Princes; and I have brought them for a Present to Lucifer. With That, Lucifer cast his Eye upon them, and with a Damn'd-Verjuice-face, as if he had bitten a Crab, You do well (says he) to say ye had them at Court; and I think you should do well to carry them thither again; for I had as live have their Room, as their Company.

After him, follow'd another Dwarf-Devil, complaining that he had been a matter of six years about so infamous a Rascal, that there was no good to be done with him, for the Bad as well as the Better sort were Scandaliz'd at his Conversation. A mighty Piece of bu∣siness, cry'd the Governante. And could you not have gotten him a handsome Office, or Employment? That would have made him good for something, and you might have done his Business.

Page  333In the mean time the Babbler went whispering up and down, and finding faults, till at length he came to a huge bundle of sleeping Devils in a Cornr, that were fagotted up, and all mouldy and full of Cobwebs; which he immediately gave notice of, and they cut the band to give them Air. With much ado, they waked them, and askt what Devils they were; what they did there, and why they were not upon Duty. They fell a Yawning, and said, that they were the Devils of Luxury: But since the Wo∣men have taken a Phansie to prefer Guinies and Iacobusses, before their Mo∣desty and Honour, there has been no need of a Devil in the Case to tempt them: for 'tis but shewing them the merry Spankers, they'll dare like Larks, and fall down before ye, and then ye may e'en do what you will with them, and take them up in a Purse-net. Gold supplies all imperfections; it makes an Angel of a Crocodile; turns a Fool into a Philosopher; and a Dressing-Box well lin'd, is worth twenty thousand Devils. So that there is no temptation like a Pre∣sent: and take them from Top to Bottom, Page  334 the whole Race of Woman is frail, and one thred of Pearl will do more with them than a million of fine stories.

Just as this Devil made an end, we heard another snorting; and 'twas well he did so, for we had trod upon his belly else. He was laid hold of, upon suspicion that he slept Dog-sleep, or rather the sleep of a contented Cuckold, that would spoil no sport where he made none. I am (says he) the Nuns Devil, and for want of other employment I have been three days asleep here as you found me. My Mi∣stresses are now chusing an Abbess, and al∣ways when they are at that work, I make Holy-day: For they are all Devils them∣selves then; There is such Canvasing, Flattering, Importuning, Cajoling, making of Parties; and in a word so general a Confusion, that a Devil among them would do more hurt than good. Nay, the Ambitious make it a point of Honour upon such an occasion, to shew that they can out-wit the Devils. And if ever Hell should be in danger of a Peace, It is my Advice, that you presently call in a Convention of Nuns to the Election of an Abbess; which would most certainly Page  335 reduce it to its ancient state of Sedi∣tion, Mutiny, and Confusion, and bring us all in effect to such a pass, that we should hardly know one another.

Lucifer was very well pleas'd with the Advice, and order'd it to be entred upon the Register, as a sure Expedient to supprss any disorders that might happen for the future to the disturbance of his Government: after which he commanded the issuing out of a Sum∣mons to all his Companies and Livery∣men, who forthwith appear'd in pro∣digious Multitudes; and Lucifer with a Hideous Yell deliver'd himself most graciously as follows.

The Decree of Lucifer.

TO our Trusty and Despairing Le∣gions, and well-beloved Subjects, lying under the Condemnation of Per∣petual Darkness, that liv'd Pensioners to sin, and had Death for their Pay-master, Greeting. This is to let you understand, that there are two Devils, who pretend a claim to the honour of our Lieutenancy; but we have absolutely refus'd to gra∣tifie Page  336 either the One or the Other, in that point, out of a singular Affection and Respect to Our right Trusty and Well-beloved Cousin, a certain She-Devil that deserves it before all others.

At this the whole Assembly fell to whispering and muttering, and staring one upon another; till at last Lucifer observ∣ing it, bad them never trouble them∣selves to guess who it might be, but fetch Good Fortune to him, known other∣wise by the name of Madam Prosperity; who presently appear'd in the tail of the Assembly, and with a proud and dis∣dainful Air, march'd up and planted her self before the degraded Seraphim; who lookt her wistly in the face, and then he went on in the Tone he first began.

It is our Will, Pleasure, and Command, that next and immediately under our proper Person, you pay all Honour and Respect to the Lady Prosperity, and obey her, as the most mighty and supreme Go∣verness of these our Dominions. Which Titles and Qualities, we have conferr'd upon her, as due to her merit; for she hath damn'd more Souls than all you to∣gether; She it is that makes men cast off Page  337 all fear of God, and Love of their Neigh∣bour. She it is, that makes men place their Sovereign good in Riches. That Engages and Entangles mens minds in Vanity; strikes them blind in their Plea∣sures; Loads them with Treasure, and Buries them in sin. Where's the Trage∣dy that she has not play'd her part in't? Where's the Stability and Wisdom that she has not stagger'd? Where's the Folly that she has not improv'd and augment∣ed? She takes no Counsel, and fears no Punishment. She it is that furnishes mat∣ter for Scandal, experience for Story, that entertains the Cruelty of Tyrants, and bathes the Executioners in Innocent Bloud. How many Souls, that liv'd in∣nocent, while they were poor, have fal∣len into impiety and reprobation, so soon as ever they came to drink of the in∣chanted Cup of Prosperity! Go to then, be Obedient to Her, we charge ye all, as to Our Self: and understand, that They that stand their ground against Prosperity are none of your Quarry. Let them e'en alone; for 'tis but time lost to attempt them. Take example from that imper∣tinent Devil, that got leave to tempt Iob; he persecuted him, begger'd him, Page  338 cover'd him all over with Scabs and Vlcers. Sot that he was! if he had understood his business, he would have gone another way to work, and begg'd leave, to have multiplyed Riches upon him; and to have possest him of Health and Pleasures. That's the Tryal; and how many are there that when they thrive in the world, turn their backs upon Heaven, and never so much as name their Creator; but in Oaths, and then too, without thinking on him? Their Discourse is all of Iollities, Banquets, Comedies, Purchases, and the like. Where∣as the poor man has God perpetually both in his mouth and heart. Lord (says he) be mindful of me, and have mercy upon me, for all my trust is in thee. Wherefore (says Lucifer, redoubling his accursed clamour) let it be Publisht forthwith throughout all our Territories, that, Calamities, Troubles, and Persecutions are our mortal Enemies: for so we have found them upon Experience: they are the Dispensations of Providence, the Bles∣sings of the Almighty, to fit Sinners for himself, and they that suffer them are enrolled in the Militia of Heaven.

Item; For the better administration Page  339 of our Government, It is our Will and Pleasure, and we do strictly charge and command, that our Devils give constant attendance in all Courts of Iudicature; and they are hereby totally discharged from any further care of Little petty Fog∣gers, Flatterers, and Envious Persons, for they are so well acquainted with Hell Rode, that they'll guide one another, without the help of a Devil to bring them hither.

Item; We do Ordain and Command that no Devil presume for the future to entertain any Confident, but Profit; for That's the Harbinger that provides Vice the most commodious Quarter, even in the straitest Consciences.

Item; We do Ordain, as a matter of great importance to the conservation of our Empire, that in what part soever of our Dominions, the Devil of Money shall vouchsafe to appear, all other Devils there present, shall rise, and with a low Reverence▪ present him the Chair, in to∣ken of their submission to his Power and Authority.

Item; We do most expresly Charge and Command all our Officers, as well Ci∣vil as Military, to employ their utmost Page  340Diligence and Industry, for the establish∣ing a General Peace throughout the World. For that's the time for wicked∣ness to thrive in, and all sorts of vices to prosper and flourish; as Luxury, Gluttony, Idleness, Lying, Slandering, Gaming, and Whoring; and in a word, sin is upon the Encrease, and Goodness in the Wane. Whereas in a state of War, men are up∣on the exercise of Valour and Virtue; calling often upon Heaven, in the morn∣ing, for fear of being Knockt on the Head after Dinner: and honest men and acti∣ons are rewarded.

Item; We do from this time forward dis∣charge all our Officers and Agents what∣soever, from giving themselves any fur∣ther trouble of tempting Men and Women to sins of Incontinence; for as much as we find upon Experience, that Adultery and Fornication will never be left, till the old Woman scratches the stooll for her back∣side. And though there may be several intervals of Repentance, and some faint Purposes of giving it over: yet the Hu∣mour returns again with the next Tyde of Bloud, and Concupiscence is as Loyal a Subject to us, as any we have in our Do∣minions.

Page  341Item; In Consideration of the Exem∣ption aforesaid, by which means several Devils are left without present Employ∣ment; And for as much as there are ma∣ny Merchants and Tradesmen in London, Paris, Madrid, Amsterdam, and elsewhere, up and down the world, that are very cha∣ritably dispos'd to relieve People in want; especially young Heirs newly at Age, and Spend-Thrifts, that come to borrow mo∣ney of them; but the times being Dead and little money stirring, all they can do is to furnish them with what the House af∣fords; and if a hundred pound or two in Commodity will do them any good, 'tis at their service (they say.) This the Gal∣lant takes up at an excessive Rate, to sell again immediately for what he can get; and the Merchant has his friend to take it off under-hand, at a third part of the Va∣lue (which is his way of helping men in distress.) Now out of a singular Respect o the said Merchants and Tradesmen, and for their better Encouragement; as also, to the end that the Devils aforesaid may not run into lewd Courses, for want of business; We Will and Require that a Legion of the said Devils, shall from time to time be continually aiding and assisting Page  342 to the said Merchants and Tradesmen, in the Quality of Factors, to be reliev'd monthly by a fresh Legion, or oftner if oc∣casion shall require.

Item; We Will and Command that all our Devils, of what Degree, or Quality soever, do henceforth Entertain a strict Amity and Correspondence with Our Trusty, and well belov'd, the Usurers, the Revengeful, the Envious, and all Pretenders to great Places, and Digni∣ties: And above all Others, with the Hy∣pocrites, who are the most Powerful Im∣postors in Nature, and so Excellently skill'd in their Trade, that they steal away People's Hearts and Souls at the Eyes, and Ears, insensibly, and draw to themselves Adoration, and Reward.

Item; We do further Order, and Command, that all Care possible be ta∣ken for the maintaining of Blabs, In∣formers, Incendiaries, and Parasites in all Courts, and Palaces, for thence comes Our Harvest.

Item; That the Bablers, Tale-Bear∣ers, Make-Bates and Instruments of Di∣vorces, and Quarrels, be no longer call'd Fannes, but Bellows; in regard that they draw, and Inflame, without giving any Allay, or Refreshment.

Page  343Item; That the Intermedlers be here∣after call'd, and Reputed the Devils Bo∣dy-Lice, because they fetch Bloud of those, that feed, and Nourish them.

Lucifer then casting a Soure Look over his Shoulder, and spying the Go∣vernante: I'm of his Mind (quoth he) that said, Let God dispose of the Doüeg∣nas (or Governantes) as he pleases: for I'm in no little Trouble, how to dispose of these Confounded Carrions. Whereupon, the Damn'd cry'd out with one Voice: Oh! Lucifer, let it never be said, that it rain'd Doüegnas in thy Dominions. Are we not miserable enough without this new Plague of being baited by Haggs? Ah! Cursed Lucifer; (cry'd every one to himself) stow them any where, so they come not near me. And with that, they all clapt their Tayls between their Legs, and drew in their Horns, for fear of this new Torment. Lucifer, finding how the Dread of the old Women wrought upon the Devils, contented himself, at the present, to let it pass only, in Terrorem; but withal, he swore, by the honour of his Imperial Crown, and as he hop'd to be sav'd; that what Devil, Devil s Damme, or Reprobate soever, should in time to Page  344 come be found wanting to his Duty; and in the least Degree disobedient to his Laws, and Ordinances: All, and every the said Devil, or Devils; their Dams, and Reprobates so offending, should be deliver'd up to the Torture of the Doü∣egna; and ty'd Muzzle to Muzzle; so to remain in Secula Seculorum, without Relief or Appeal; or any Law, Statute, or Vsage to the Contrary Notwithstand∣ing. But in the Mean time, Cast them into that Dry Ditch, (says he) that they may be ready for use upon any Occa∣sion.

Immediately, upon the Pronouncing of this Solemn Decree, Lucifer retir'd to his Cell; The Weather clear'd up; and the Company disperst in a fright, at so horrible a Menace, and so went about their Business: When a Voice was heard out of the Clouds, as the Voice of an Angel, saying, He that rightly compre∣hends the Morality of this Discourse, shall never repent the Reading of it.

Page  [unnumbered]