The Wicked Advice of one of Ptolomy's Courtiers, about the Killing of Pom∣pey: taken out of Lucan's Pharsalia. Lib. 8.
MEthinks, under favour, (most Renowned
Ptolomy) we are now slipt into a debate, a little beside the business. The question is,
whether Pompey
should be deliver'd up to Cae∣sar,
or no. That is to say, whether
in reason of State, it ought to be done▪ and we are formalizing the matter, whether in point of
equity and
justice it
may be done.
Bodies Politique have no Souls; and never did any great Prince
Page 290
turn a Council of State, into a Court of Conscience, but he repented it. King∣doms are to be govern'd by
Politicians, not by
Casuists; and there is nothing more contrary to the true interest of
Crowns and
Empires, then in
publick cases, to make a
scruple of
private du∣ties. The Argument is this;
Pompey is in
distress: and
Ptolomy under an
Ob∣ligation; so that it were a violation of
Faith and
Hospitality, not to relieve him. Now give me leave to reason it the other way.
Pompey is
forsaken, and
persecuted by the
Gods; Caesar up∣on the Heels of him, with
victory and
success. Shall
Ptolomy now
ruine him∣self, to
protect a
Fugitive, against both
Heaven, and
Caesar? I must confess▪ where
honesty, and
profit are both of a side, 'tis well; but where they disa∣gr
•e, the Prince that does not quit his
Religion, for his
convenience, falls into a direct conspiracy against himself. He shall lose the
Hearts of his
Souldiery, and the
reputation of his
power. Where∣as on the contrary, the most hateful Tyrant in the world shall be able to keep his head above water, let him
Page 291
but give a general License to commit all sorts of Wickedness: you'l say 'tis Impious: but I say, what if it be? who shall call you to accompt? These deli∣berations are only for
Subjects, that are under
Command; and not for
Sove∣raign Princes, whose
will is a
Law.
Exeat Aulâ
Qui volet esse pius.
He was never cut out
For a Court, that's devout.
In fine, since either Pompey or Pto∣lomy must suffer, I am absolutely for the saving of Ptolomy, and the present∣ing of Pompey's head, without any more ado, to Caesar. A dead Dog will never bite.
Photinus had no sooner made an end, but Domitian appear'd in a monstrous Rage, and lugging of poor Suetonius af∣ter him, like a Bear to the stake.
There is not in nature (says he) so damn'd a Generation of
Scribling Rogues, as these
Historians. We can neither be quiet for them,
Living, nor Dead: for
Page 292
they haunt us in our very
Graves; and when they have vented the
Humour, and
Caprice of their own Brains, that forsooth must be call'd,
The life of such an Emperour. And for an Instance, I'll shew ye what this
Impertinent Chroni∣cler says of
my self. He had squander'd away his treasure (says he)
in expensive Buildings, Comedies, and Donatives to the Souldiers.Now would I fain know which way it could have been better employ'd.
In another place, he says, that Do∣mitian had some thoughts of easing him∣self in his Military charges, by reducing the number; but that he durst not do, for fear some of his Neighbours should put an affront upon him. So that to lick himself whole, he fell to raking and scraping what ever he could get, either from Dead, or Living; and any Rascals Testimony was proof enough for a Con∣fifcation: for there needed no more to undo an honest man, then to tell a Tale at Court, that such a one had spoken ill of the Prince.
Is this the way of treating
Majesty? what could this
impudent Pedant have
Page 293
said worse, if he had been speaking of a
Pick-pocket or a
Pirate? But
Prin∣ces and
Thieves are all one to them.
He says further, that Domitian made seizure of several Estates, without any sort of right whatsoever; and there went no more to his Title, than for a false Witness to depose, that he heard the Defunct declare, before he dy'd, that he made Caesar his Heir. He set such a Tax upon the Jews, that many of them deny'd their Religion to avoid it; and I remember that when I was a young fellow, I saw an old man of fourscore and ten taken upon suspicion by one of Domitian's spies, and turn'd up in a publick Assembly, to see if he were cir∣cumcised.
Be you now Judges, Gentlemen of the Black-Guard, if this be not a most intolerable indignity. Am I to answer for the actions of my inferior Officers? it amazes me that my Successors should ever endure these scandalous reports to be publisht, especially a∣gainst a Prince that had laid out so much money in repairng the Libra∣ries that were burnt.
Page 294It is very true (said Suetonius in a doleful tone) and I have not forgotten to make mention of it to your Honour. But what will you say, if I shew you in a Warrant under your hand, this exe∣crable and impious Blasphemy? It is the Command of your Lord and God. And in fine, if I speak nothing but truth, where's your cause of complaint? I have written the Lives too of the great Iulius Caesar, and the divine Augustus, and the world will not say but I have done them right. But for your self, and such as you, that are effectually but so many incarnate and crowned Plagues, what fault have I committed in setting before your eyes those Tyrannies, which Heaven and Earth cannot but look up∣on with Dread and Horrour?
This discourse of Suetonius was in∣terrupted by the Babbler or Boutefeu, that rounded Lucifer in the Ear, and told him,
Look ye Sir (
says he, point∣ing with his finger) that limping Devil there, that looks as if he were sur∣bated with beating the Hoof, has been abroad in the world, this twenty year, and is but just now come back
Page 295
again.
Come hither Sirrah, crys
Lu∣cifer; and so the poor Cur went wrig∣ling and gloting up toward his Prince.
You are a fine Rogue to be s•nt of an Errand, are ye not? (••ys Lucifer) to stay twenty year out, and come back again e'en as wise as ye went: What souls have ye b•o•ght now? or what news from t'other world?
Ha! Your Highness (quoth the D
•vil) has too much honour and justice to condemn me unheard. Wherefore be pleased to remember, that at my going out, you gave me charge of a certain Merchant;
It cost me the first ten year of my time to make him a Thief, and ten more to keep him from turning honest again, and re∣storing what he had stolen. A fine fetch for a Devil this, is it not? cry'd
Lucifer. But
Hell is no more the Hell it was when I knew it first, than Chalk is Cheese: And the Devils now adays are so damn'dly insipid and dry, they're hardly worth the roasting. A sensl
•s
• Puppy to come back to me
with a story of Waltham
's Calf, that went nine mile to suck a Bull. But he's not Master of his Trade yet: and with that
Lucifer bad one of his
Page 296
Officers take him away and put him to School again; for I perceive he's a Ras∣cal, says he, and
he has e'en been roguing at a Play-house,
when he should have been at Church.
In that instant, from behind a little hill, a great many men came running as hard as they could drive after a compa∣ny of Women: The Men crying out, Stop, Stop; and the Women crying for Help. Lucifer commanded them all to be seiz'd, and askt what was the matter. Alas, alas! (cry'd one of the men, quite out of breath) These Carrions have made us Fathers, though we never had Children. Govern your Tongue, Sirrah (cry'd a Devil of Honour, that had a kindness for the Ladies) and speak truth: for 'tis utterly impossible you should be Fa∣thers without Children. Pardon me, said the Fellow, we were marry'd men, and honest men, and good House-keepers, and have born Offices in the Parish, and have Children that call us Fathers: But 'tis a strange thing, we have been abroad some of us by the seven year together; Others, as long Bed-rid; and so impotent, that the Civilians would have put us
Page 297inter frigidos & maleficiatos; and yet our Wives have brought us every year a Child, which we were such Fools as to keep and bring up, and give our selves to the Devil at last to get them Estates; out of a charitable perswasion (for∣sooth) they might yet be our own, though for a twelve-month together (perhaps) we never so much as exa∣min'd whether our Wives were Fish or Flesh. But now since the Mothers are dead, and the Children grown up, we have found the Tools that made them. One has the Coach-mans Nose; another the Gentleman-Vsher's Legs; a third a Cousin-german's Eyes. And some we are to presume, conceiv'd purely by strength of imagination, or else by the Ears like Weazels.
Thereupon appear'd a little Remnant of a man; a dapper Spaniard, with a kind of a Besome-beard, and a Voice not unlike the Yapping of a foysting Cur. As he came neer the Company, he set up his throat, and call'd out: Ah Jade! says he, I shall now take ye to task, ye Whore you, for making me Father my Negro's Bastard, and for the Estate I
Page 298
setled upon him. I did ever misdoubt foul play, but should never have dreamt of That ugly Toad, when there was such choice of handsome, lusty young Fellows about us; but it may be she had them too. I curst the Monks many and many a time, I remember, to the Pit of Hell, Heaven forgive me for't▪ for the Strumpet would be perpetually gad∣ding abroad, under colour of going to Confession, and in sooth, I was never any great Friend to Penance and Morti∣fication. And then would I be easing my mind ever and anon to this cursed Moor. I cannot imagine (said I) where this Mistress of thine should commit all the sins that she goes every hour of the day to confess at yonder Monastery. And then would this Dog-Moor an∣swer me. Alas good Lady! I would e'en venture my Soul with hers with all my heart; she spends all her time you see in holy Duties. I was at that time so innocent, that I suspected nothing more, than a pure Respect and Civility to my Wife; but I have learnt better since, and that effectually his Soul and hers were commonly ventur'd in the
Page 299
same Bottom; yes and their Bodies too, as I perceive by their Magpy Issue, for the Bastards take after both Father and Mother.
So that at this rate, cry'd the adopt∣ed Fathers, the Husband of a Whore has a ple•sant time on't. First, he's subject∣ed to all the Pukings, Longings, and pee∣vish importunities, that a breeding Wo∣man gives those about her till she's Laid; and then comes the squalling of the Child, and the Twittle-twattle-Gos∣sippings of the Nurse and Midwife, that must be well treated too, well lodg'd, and well paid. A sweet Baby, says one (to the Jade the Mother on't) 'tis e'en as like the Father as if he had spit it out on's mouth: It has the very Lips, the very Eyes of him, when 'tis no more like him, than an Apple is like an Oyster. And in conclusion, when we have born all this, and twenty times more in t'other World with a Christian Pati∣ence, we are hurry'd away to Hell, and here we lie a Company of damn'd Cuck∣olds of us; and here we are like to lie, for ought I see, in Saecula Saeculorum: which is very hard, and in truth out of all reason.
Page 300I cut this Visit short, to see what news in a deep Vault neer at hand, where we heard a great bustle and contest betwixt divers Souls and the Devils. There were the Presumptuous, the Revengeful, and the Envious, gaping and crying out as they would break their hearts. Oh, that I could but be born again! says one; Oh, that I might back into the world again! says another; Oh, that I were but to die once more! crys a third. Inso∣much that they put the Devils out of all Patience, with their impertinent and unprofitable Wishes and Exclamations. Hang your selves, cry'd they, for a pack of cousening, bawling Rascals: You live again? and be born again? and what if you might do't a thousand times over? You would only die at last a thousand times greater Villains, than now you are, and there would be no clearing Hell of you with a Dog-whip. How∣ever, to try you, and make you know your selves; we have Commission to let you Live again and Return. Vp then ye Varlets, go, be born again: Get ye into the World again. Away, cry'd the De∣vils, with a lusty lash at every word,
Page 301
and thrust hard to have got them out. But the poor Rogues hung an Arse, and were struck with such a Terrour, to hear of Living again, and Returning, that they slunk into a Corner, and lay as quiet upon't, as Lambs.
At length, one of the Company that seem'd to have somewhat more Brain, and Resolution then his Fellows, en∣ter'd very gravely upon the Debate, whether they should go out, or no.
If I should now, says he, at my Second Birth,
come into the World a Bastard; The
shame would be
mine, though my
Pa∣rents committed the
fault; and I should carry the
Scandal, and the
In∣famy of it to my
Grave. Now put Cale, my
Mother should be
honest, (for that's not Impossible) and that I came into the World,
Legitimate; how ma∣ny
Follies, Vices, and
Diseases are there that run in a
Bloud! who knows, but I should be
Mad, or
Simple? Swear, Lye, Cheat, Whore; Nay if I came off, with a Little
Mortification of my
Car∣cass, as the
Stone, the
Scurvy, or
the Noble Pox, I were a happy Man. But oh the
Lodging, the
Diet, and the
Page 302Cookery that I am to expect for a mat∣ter of
Nine Months in my
Mother's belly: and then the
Butter and
Beer that must be spent to sweeten me, when I change my Quarter. I must come
Crying into the
World, and live in ignorance even of what Life is, till I dye; and then as ignorant of Death too, till 'tis past. I Phansy my
Swad∣ling-Clouts, and
Blankets to be worse then my
Winding-sheet; My
Cradle represents my
Tomb. And then who knows, whether my
Nurse shall be
sound, or No? Shee'l over-lay me perhaps; leave me some four and twenty hours, it may be, without clean Clouts, and a Pin or Two all the while perchance, up to the Hilts in my back-side. And then follows
Breeding of
Teeth, and
Worms; with all the
Gripes, and
Disorders that are caus'd by
Vnwholesome Milk. These Miseries are Certain, and why should I run them over again?
If it happen that I pass the state of
Infancy, without the
Pox, or
Meazils: I must be then pack't away to
School, to get the
Itch; a Scal'd Head, or a
Page 303
pair of
Kib'd Heels. In Winter, 'tis ten to one you find me always with a Snotty Nose; and perpetually under the Lash, if I either miss my Lesson, or go late to Shool. So that
Hang him for my Part that would be born again; for any thing I see yet.
When I come up toward
Man; the
Women will have me
as sure as a Gun, for they have a Thousand Ginnes, and Devices to catch Wood-cocks; and if ever I come to set eye upon a Lass that understands
Dress, and
Raillery, I'm gone, if there were no more Lads in Christendom. But for my part I am
as sick as a Dog, of
Powdering, Curling, and playing the
Lady-bird. I would not for all the world be in
the Shooma∣kers stocks, and
choak my self over a∣gain in a
streight Doublet; only to have the Ladies say,
Look, what a Delicate shape, and foot that Gentleman has. And I should take as little pleasure to spend six hours, of the four and twen∣ty, in picking Grey hairs out of my Head, or Beard; or turning White in∣to Black: To stand half ravish't in the contemplation of my own shadow:
Page 304
To dress fine, and go to Church only to see handsome Ladies: To correct the Midnight Air with ardent sighs, and Ejaculations; and to keep company with Owls, and Batts, like a Bird of
Evil Omen: To walk the round of a Mistress lodging, and play at
Bo-peep at the corner of every street: To adore her imperfections, (or as the song says, —
for her Vgliness, and for her want of Coin) To make Bracelets of her Locks, and truck a Pearl Neck∣lace for a Shoo-string. At this rate, I say, Cursed again and again be he, for my part, that would live over again so Wretched a Life.
Being come now to write
full Man; If I have an
Estate, how many
Cares, Suits and
Wrangles go along with it! If I have
None, what
Murmuring, and
Regret, at my
Misfortunes! By this Time, the Sins of my Youth are got∣ten into my Bones; I grow Sowre, and Melancholy; Nothing pleases me; I curse
old Age to Ten thousand Devils, and the
Youth which I can never reco∣ver in my
Veins, I endeavour to fetch out of the
Barber's Shops, from
Per∣ruques,
Page 305
Razors, and
Patches, to con∣ceal, or at least disguise all the Marks and Evidences of Nature in her De∣cay. Nay, when I shall have never an
Eye to see with, nor a
Tooth left in my head;
Gowty Legs; Wind-mills in my Crown; my
Nose running like a Tap, and
Gravel in my Reins, by the Bushel; then must I make Oath that all this is nothing but mere Accident, gotten by Lying in the Field, or the like, and out-face the Truth in the very Teeth of so many undeniable Witnesses.
There is no Plague Comparable to this Hypocrisy of the Members. To have an
Old Fop shake his Heels, when he's ready to fall to pieces; and cry,
These Legs would make a shift yet to play with the best Legs in the Company; and then with a lusty Thump on's Breast, fetch ye up a
Hem, and cry,
Sound at Heart Boy, and a Thousand other Fooleries of the like Nature. But all this is No∣thing, to the Misery of an Old
fellow in
Love; especially if he be put to
Gallant it against a Company of
Young Gamesters. Oh the Inward shame, and Vexation, to see himself scarce so
Page 306
much as Neglected. It happens some∣times times that a
Iolly Lady, for want of better Entertainment, may content her self with one of these
Reverend Fornicators, instead of a
Whetstone; but alack, alack! the
poor Man i• weak, though willing; and after a whole Night spent, in cold, and frivolous Pretences, and Excuses, away he goes with Torments of
Rage, and
Confusion about him, not to be exprest; and
many a heavy Curse is sent after him for keeping a poor Lady from her Natural Rest, to so little purpose. How often must I be put to the Blush too, when every
old Toast shall be calling me
Old Acquaintance, and telling me,
Oh Sir, 'tis many a fair Day since you and I knew one Another first. I think 'twas in the four and thirtieth of the Queen, that we were School-fellows. How the World's alter'd since! &c. And then must my
head be turn'd to a
Memento Mori: My
flesh, dissolv'd into
Rheums; My
Skin, Wither'd, and
Wrinkl'd; with
a staff in my Hand, knocking the Earth at every trembling step, as if I call'd upon my Grave to receive me:
Page 307walking, like a
Moving Phantosme; my
Life little more then a
Dream; My
Reins, and
Bladder turn'd into a Per∣fect
Quarry; and the
Vrinal, or
Piss∣pot my whole
Study. My next heir, watching, every Minute, for the long-look't-for, and happy hour of my De∣parture; And in the mean time, I'm become
the Physicians Revenue; and
the Surgeons Practice, with
an Apothe∣caries shop in my Guts; and every
old Iade calling me
Grandsire. No no▪ I'l no more Living again, I thank ye:
One Hell rather then
two Mothers.Let us now consider the Comforts of Life: The
Humours, and the
Man∣ners. He that would be
Rich, must play the
Thief, or the
Cheat; He that would rise in the World, must turn Pa∣rasite, Informer, or
Projecter. He that
Marries, Ventures fair for the
Horn, either before, or after. There is no
Valour, without
Swearing, Quarrelling or
Hectoring. If ye are
poor, No body Owns ye. If
Rich, you'l know No body. If you dye
Young, what pity it was (they'l say)
that he should be cut off thus in his Prime. If
Old: He was e'en
Page 308
past his best; there's no great Mis• of him. If you are
Religious, and fre∣quent the
Church, and the
Sacrament; You're an
Hypocrite; And
without this, y'are an
Atheist, or an
Heretick. If you are
Gay, and
pleasant, you pass presently for a
Buffon: and if
Pensive, and
reserv'd, you are taken to be
soure, and
Censorious. Courtesy is call'd
Collo∣guing, and
Currying of Favour: Down∣right Honesty, and
plain-dealing, is In∣terpreted to be
Pride, and
Ill manners. This is the World; and for all that's in't, I would not have it to go over again. If any of ye, My Masters (said he to his
Camerades) be of another Opinion, hold up your hands. No, No (they cry'd all Unanimously)
No more Generation-work, I beseech ye;
Better the Devils, then the Mid∣wives.After This, came a Testator, cursing, and Raving, like a Bedlam, that He had made his last Will, and Testament.
Ah
Villein! (said he)
for a Man to murder himself as I have done! If I had not
Seal'd, I had not
dy'd. Of all things, next a
Physician, Deliver me from a
Testa∣ment.Page 309
It has kill'd more then the
Pe∣stilence. Oh Miserable Mortals; let the
Living take warning by the
Dead, and make no
Testaments. It was my hard Luck, first to put my
Life into the
Physicians power, and then by ma∣king my
Will, to sign the Sentence of
Death upon my self, and
my Own Exe∣cution. Put your Soul, and your Estate in Order, (says the Doctor)
for there's no hope of Life; And the Word was no sooner out, but I was so wise and Devout (forsooth) as to fall imme∣diately upon the Prologue of my Will, with an
In Nomine Domini, Amen, &c. And when I came to dispose of my
Goods and
Chattels I pronounc'd these Bloody Words (
I would I had been Tongue-ty'd when I did it) I make and Constitute my
Son, my
Sole Exec'tor. Item, to my
Dear Wife, I give and Be∣queath all my
Playes, and
Romances, and all the
Furniture in
the Rooms up∣on
the Second Story. To
my very good Friend T. B. my large
Tankard, for a
Remembrance. To
my Foot-boy Robin, five pound to bind him
Prentice: To
Betty that tended me in my sickness,
Page 310my little Candle-Cup. To
Mr. Doctor, my fair
Table-Diamond, for his Care of me in my Illness. After
Signing, and
Sealing, the
Ink was scarce dry upon the Paper, but methought the Earth open'd as if it had been hungry to de∣vour me. My
Son and my
Legatees were presently Casting it up, how many hours I might yet hold out. If I call'd for the
Cordial Iulep, or a little of
Dr. Gilbert's Water; my
Son was taking
Possession of my
Estate: My
Wife so busy about the
Beds, and
Hangings, that she could not intend it. The
Boy, and the
Wench could under∣stand Nothing but about their
Lega∣cies. My very good Friend's
Mind was wholly upon his
Tankard. My kind
〈◊〉 I must confess took Occasion now and then, to handle my
Pulse, and
see whe∣ther the
Diamond were of the right Black Water, or no. If I ask't him, what I might
Eat; his Answer was;
Any thing, any thing, E'en what you please your self. At every
Grone I fetch't, they were calling for their
Legacies; which they could not have till I was Dead.
But if I were to begin the World
Page 311
again,
I think I should make another kind of Testament. I would say. A Curse upon him that shall have my Estate when I am Dead: And may the first bit of Bread he eats out on't, choak him. The Devil in Hell take what I cannot carry away, and him too, that struggles for't, if He can Catch him. If I dye, let my Boy Robin have the Strappado, three hours a day, to be duly paid him during Life. Let my Wife dye of the Pip, or the Mother; (not a half penny matter which) but let her first live long Enough to Plague the Damn'd Doctor, and Indite him for poysoning her Poor Husband.
To speak sincerely, I can never forgive that
Dog-Leech. Was it not enough to make me
Sick, when I was
well, without making me
Dead, when I was
Sick? And not to rest there neither, but to persecute me in my
Grave too. But to say the Truth, this is only
Neighbour's-fare; for all those fools that trust in them, are serv'd with the same Sawce. A
Vomit, or a
Purge is as good a
Pass-port into
the other World, as a man would wish. And then when our heads are laid; 'tis never to be en∣dured,
Page 312
the
Scandals they cast upon our
Bodies, and
Memories! Heaven rest his Soul (crys one)
He kill'd himself with a Debauch. How is't possible (says another)
to cure a man that keeps no Diet? He was a Mad-man; (crys a Third)
a Meer Sot, and would not be govern'd by his Physi∣cian. His Body was as Rotten as a Pear: He had as many Diseases as a Horse: and it was not in the Power of Man to save him. And
truly 'twas well that his hour was come, for he had better a great deal Dye well, then live on as he did. Thieves and Murtherers that ye are;
You your selves are that hour
ye talk of. The
Physician is only
Death in a
Disguise, and brings his Patients
Hour along with him. Cru∣el People! Is it not Enough to take away a Man's
life; and like
Common Hang-men to be
paid for't when ye have done: but you must blast the
Honour too of those you have dispatch't, to excuse your
Ignorance? Let but the Li∣ving follow my Counsel, and write
their Testaments after
This Copy, they shall live long and Happily; and not go out of the World at last,
like a Rat with a straw in his Arse (as a learned Author
Page 313
has it) or be cut off in the flower of their days, by these
Counterfeit Doctors of the faculty of the Close-stool.
The dead man ply'd his discourse with so much Gravity and Earnestness, that Lucifer began to believe what he said. But because all Truths are not to be spoken, especially among the Devils, where hardly any are admitted; and for fear of mischief, if the Doctors should come to hear what had been said, Lu∣cifer presently order'd the Fellow should be Gagg'd, or to put in security for his good behaviour.
His mouth was no sooner stopt, but another was open'd; and one of the damn'd came running cross the Compa∣ny, and so up and down, back and for∣ward (like a Cur that had lost his Ma∣ster) bawling as if he had been out of his Wits, and crying out,
Oh! Where am I? Where am I? I am abus'd, I am chous'd: What's the meaning of all this? Here are
damning Devils; tempt∣ing Devils; and
tormenting Devils; but the Devil a Devil can I find of the
Devils that brought me hither: They have gotten away my
Devils: where
Page 314
are they? Give me my
Devils again.
It might well make the Company stare, to see a Fellow hunting for Devils in Hell, where they swarm in Legions. But as he was in this Hurry, a Governante caught him by the arm, and gave him a half turn, and stopt him. Thou art a Luckey-bird (says she) if thou wantest Devils here, where do'st expect to find them? He knew her as soon as he saw her. And
Art thou
here old Beelzebub in a Petticoat? (
said he) the very Pi∣cture of
Satan; The Coupler of Male and Female; The Buckle and Thong of Leachery; The Multiplyer of sin, and the Guide of Sinners; The Sea∣soner of Rotten Mutton; The Inter∣pretress betwixt Whores and Knaves; The Preface to the Remedy of Love, and the Prologue to the Critical Mi∣nute.
Speak, and without more ado, tell me; where are the Devils and their Dams that brought me hither? These are none of them.
No, no; I am not such and Awfe as to be Trepan'd, and spirited away by
Devils with
Tails, Horns, Bristles, Wings, that smell as if they had been smoakt in a
Chimney-Corner.Page 315
The Devils that I look for, are worse than these. Where are the
Mo∣thers that play the
Bawds to their
own Daughters? and the
Aunts that do as much for
their Neices, and make them caper and sparkle like Wild-fire?
The black-ey'd Girls, that carry fire in their Eyes, and strike as sure as a
Lance from the
Rest of a Cavalier? Where are the
Flatterers, that speak nothing but
pleasing things? The Make-bates and Incendiaries, that are the very
Canker of Humane Society? Where are the
Story-Mongers? The Masters of the fa∣culty of Lying? That Report
more than they, Hear, Affirm
more than they Know,
and swear more than they Believe.
Those slanderous Backbiters, that like
Vultures prey only upon
Carrion? Where are the
Hypocrites that turn
Devotion into
Interest, and make a
Revenue of a
Com∣mandment? That pretend
Extasie when they are
drunk; and utter the
Fumes and
Dreams of their
Luxury and
Tipple for
Revelations? That make
Ch•ppels of their
Parlours; Preachment of their
ordinary Enter∣tainments; and every thing they do
Page 316
is a miracle. They can Divine all that's told them; and raise people to life again, that counterfeit sick, when they should work; and give an honest man to the Devil with a
Deo gratias. These are the Devils I would be at: These are they that have damn'd me; look them out, and find them for me, ye impudent Hag, or I shall be so bold as to search your French Hood for them.
And with that word, he fell on upon the poor
Governante, tore off her
Head-Geer, and laid about him so furi∣ously, that there were would have been no getting him off, if
Lucifer had not made use of his
Absolute Authority to
quiet him.
Immediately upon the composing of this Fray, we heard the shooting of Bars and Bolts, the opening of Doors and Hinges that creakt for want of Grease, and a strange humming of a great number of People. The first that appear'd, were a company of Bold, Tal∣kative, and painted old Women; but as bonny and gamesome, tickling and toying with one another, as if they had never seen Fifteen; and carrying it out with
Page 317
an Air of much satisfaction and content. The Babbler was somewhat scandaliz'd at their Behaviour; and told them how ill they did to be so merry in Hell: and several others admir'd it as much, and askt them the reason of it, considering their Condition. With that, one of the Gang that was wretchedly thin and pale, and rais'd upon a pair of Heels that made her legs longer than her Body, told Lucifer, with great Respect; that at their first coming, they were as sad as it was possible for a company of damn'd old Iades to be. But (says she) we were a little comforted, when we heard of no other Punishments here, than Weep∣ing and Gnashing of Teeth; and in some hope to come off upon reasonable terms: for we have not among us all so much as a drop of moisture in our bo∣dies, nor a Tooth in our Heads. Search them presently (cry'd the Intermedler) squeeze the Balls of their Eyes, and let their Gums be examin'd, you'll find Snags, Stumps, or Roots; or enough of somewhat or other there to spoil the Jest. Upon the Scrutiny, they were found so dry, that they were good for
Page 318
nothing in the world, but to serve for Tinder or Matches; and so they were di∣spos'd of into the Devils Tinder-boxes.
While they were casing up the Old Women, there came on a number of people of several sorts and qualities, that •all'd out to the first they saw; Pray'e Gentlemen (said they) before we go any further, will ye direct us to the Court of Rewards? How's That? (cry'd one of the Company) I was afraid we had been in Hell; but since you talk of Rewards, I hope 'tis but Purgatory. Good, Good! (said the whole Multitude) you'l quickly find where you are: Purgatory! (cry'd the Intermedler) you have left that up the Hill there, upon the Right hand. This is Hell, and a Place of Punishment; Here's no Registry of Rewards. Then we are mistaken (said he that spake first.) How so? (cry'd the Intermedler) You shall hear (said the other) We were in the other world intitled to the Order of the Squires of the Pad; and borrow'd now and then a small sum upon the Kings High-way: we understood somewhat too of the Cross-bite, and the use of the frail Dye. Some of our conscientious
Page 319
and charitable friends, would fain have drawn us off from the course we were in; and to give them their due, bestow'd a great deal of good counsel upon us to very little purpose; for we were in a pretty way of Thriving, and had got∣ten a habit of, and could not leave it. We askt them, What would you have us do? Money we have none, and without it, there's no living: should we stay till it were brought, or came alone? How would ye have a poor Individuum Vagum to live? That has neither Estate, Office, Master, nor Friend to maintain him: and is quite out of his Element, unless he be either in a Tavern, a Bawdy-house, or a Gaming Ordinary. Now, That's the man, that Providence has appointed to live by his Wits. Our Advisers saw there was no good to be done, and went their way, telling us, that in the other world we should meet with our Reward.
They would tell us sometime, how base a thing it was to defame the house, and abuse the Bed of a Friend. Our An∣swer was ready;
Well! and had we not better do it there where the house is open to us, the Master and Lady
Page 320
kind, the occasion fair and easie; than to run a
Catterwawling into a Family where every servant in the house is a spy, and (perhaps) a Fellow behind every door in the house with a Dagger, or Pistol in his hand to entertain us.
Upon this, our Grave
Counsellours find∣ing us so resolute, e'en gave us over, and told us as before; that,
In the other world we should meet with our Reward. Now taking
This to be
the other World these honest men told us of, we are inquiring after the
Rewards they pro∣mis'd us.
Abominable Scoundrels! said an Offi∣cer of Iustice, there at hand; How ma∣ny of your reprobated Companions, have squander'd away their Fortunes upon Whores and Dice, exposing not on∣ly their Wives and Children, but many a Noble Family to a shameful and irrepa∣rable Ruine: And let any man put in a word of wholsome advice, their An∣swer is,
Tush, Tush; Our Wives and Children are in the hands of Provi∣dence; and let him provide for the Rooks, that feeds the Ravens.
Then was it toldye,
you should find your Reward
Page 321
in the other World; and the time is now come, wherein ye shall receive it:
Vp, up then ye cursed Spirits, and away with them. At which word,
a Legion of De∣vils fell on upon the miserable Cai∣tiffs, with
Whips and
Firebrands, and gave them their long expected
Reward; And at every lash, a voice was heard to say;
In the other World you shall receive your Reward. These Wretches in the mean while,
damning and
sinking them∣selves to the pit of Hell, still, as if they had been upon
Earth, and vomiting their
customary and
execrable Blasphe∣mies.
Just as this storm blew over, there drew neer a multitude of Bayliffs, Ser∣jeants, Catchpoles, and other Officers of Prey, with the Thieves Devil, bound hand and foot, and a foul Accusation against him. Whereupon Lucifer with a fell countenance took his seat in a flaming Chair, and call'd his Officers about him. So soon as the Prince had taken his place, a certain Officer began his Report.
Here is before thee (quoth he) a Devil (most mighty
Lucifer) that stands charg'd with Ignorance in his
Page 322
Trade; and the shame of his Quali∣ty and Profession, instead of
damning men, he has made it his business to
save them. The word
save, put the Court in such a Rage, that they bit their lips, till the bloud started, and the fire sparkled at their Eyes; and
Lucifer, turning about to his
Atturney; Who would ever have imagin'd, said he,
that so treacherous a Rascal could have been harbour'd in my Dominions? It is most certain, my gracious Lord, re∣ply'd the
Atturney, that this Devil has been very diligent in drawing people into
Thefts and
Pilferies, and then when they come to be discover'd, they are clapt up and hang'd, or some mis∣chief or other. But still
before Execu∣tion, the
Ordinary calls them to shrift; and many times the toy takes them in the head, to
confess and
repent, and so they are
sav'd. Now this si
•ly Devil thinks, that when he has brought them to
Steal, Murther, Coin, and the like, he has done his part, and so he leaves them: whereas he should stick close to them in the Prison; and be tempt∣ing of them to despair, and make away
Page 323
themselves. But when they are once left to the
Priest, he commonly brings them to a sight of their sins, and they 'scape. Now
this simple Devil was not aware, it seems, that
many a soul goes to Heaven from the Gallows, the
Wheel, and the
Faggot: and this failing has lost your Highness many a fair Pur∣chase. Here's enough (cry'd the
Pre∣sident) and there needs no more Charge against him. The poor Devil thought it was high time to speak now, when they were just upon the point of pas∣sing his Sentence: and so he cry'd out, My Lord (said he) I beseech you hear me; for though they say the Devil is deaf, it is not meant of your Great∣ness: so there was a general silence, and thus he proceeded.
I cannot deny (my Lord) but
Tyburn is the way to Paradise, and many a man goes to Heaven from the Gallows. But if you will set those that are
damn'd for condemning others, against
those that are sav'd from the Gallows, Hell will be found no Loser by me at the foot of the Accompt. How m
•ny
Marshal's-me•, Turn-keys, and
Keepers have I sent
Page 324
ye for letting a
Coiner give them the slip now and then, with his
false Mo∣ney (alwaies provided they leave
better Money instead on't) How many
false Witnesses, and
Knights of the Post, that would set their
Consciences like
Clocks to go faster or slower, according as they had
more or
less weight, and
swear ex tempore, at all
Rates and
Prices! How many
Sollicitors, Atturneys, and
Clerks, that would draw ye up a
Decla∣ration or an
Inditement so slily, that I my self could hardly discover any
Errour in't; and yet when it came to the
Test, it was as plain as the nose on a mans face (that is to say again, Provi∣ded they were well paid for the
Fa∣shion) How many
Iaylers that would wink at an
Escape for a
Lusty Bribe! And how many
Atturneys that would give ye
Dispatch or
Delay thereafter as they were greas'd! Now after all this, what does it signifie, if
one Thief of a thousand comes to the Gallows? he only
suffers because he was
poor, that there may be the better Trading for the
Rich, and without any design in the world to suppress stealing. Nay
It often falls
Page 325
out, that
they that bring the Malefactor to the Gibbet, are the worse Criminals of the two. But they are never lookt af∣ter; or if they should be, they have tricks and fetches enough to bring themselves off; so that it fares in this case, as it did with him that had his house troubled with
Rats, and would needs take in a company of
Cats to destroy them: The
Rats would be nibbling at his
Cheese, his
Bacon, a
crust of Bread, and now and then a
Candles End: But when the
Cats came, down went a
Milk-bowl, away goes a
Brace of Partriges, or a
Couple of
Pigeons; and the poor man must content himself to go supperless to Bed. In the Conclusion, the
Rats were
troublesome, but the
Cats were
intolerable. And then there's This in't: suppose
One poor fellow hangs and goes to Heaven; I do but give him in truck for two hundred at least, that deserve to be hang'd, but 'scape and go to Hell at last. Beside;
A Thief upon a Gibbet, is as good as a Roasted-Dog in a Pigeon∣house; for ye sh
•ll immediately have
two or three thousand Witches about him, for s
•ips of his
H•lter, an
Eye-Tooth,Page 326
or a
Collop of his
Fat, which i
• of Soveraign use in many of their Charms. But in fine, let me do what I will, my services are not understood. My Successor, it may be, will dis∣charge his Duty Better, and indeed I am very well content to lay down my
Commission; for, (
to say the Truth) I am in Years, and would gladly have a Little Rest now, in my old age, which I rather propose to my self in the Service of some
Pretender, then where I am.
Lucifer heard him with great Pati∣ence, and in the End, gave him all the satisfaction imaginable; strictly charg∣ing the Evil Spirits that had abus'd him, to do so no more, upon hazard of Pain• Corporal, and Spiritual: And they de∣sir'd him too, that he would not lay down his Employment, for he was strong enough yet to do very good ser∣vice in it. But to think of Easing him∣self, by going to a Pretender, he'd find himself mistaken, for 'twas a Duty he'd never be able to endure. Well! (says he) ee'n what your Highness pleases. But truly I th•ught a Devil might have
Page 327
liv'd very Comfortably in that Condi∣tion; for he has no more to do, that I can see, then to keep his Ears open, and learn his Trade. For put Case it should be some Pretender to a Good Office, or a fat Bishoprick (though the Fathers, and Counsels are against Pretenders in This Case) I Phansy to my self, all the Plea∣sure, and Divertisement that may be. It is as good as going to School, for these People teach the Devils their A. B. C. And all that we have to do, is to sit still, and learn.
The Vision that follow'd this, was the Daemon of Tabacca; which I must con∣fess did not a little surprize me. I have indeed, often said to my self; Certainly These Smokers are Possest; but I could never swear it till now. I have (said the Devil) by bringing this Weed into Spain, reveng'd the Indians upon the Spaniards for all the Massacres and Butcheries they committed there, and done Them more Mischief, then ever Colon, Cortes, Almero, Pizarro did in the Indies: By how much it is more ho∣nourable, to dye upon a Sword's point, by Gun-shot, or at the Mouth of a Can∣non;
Page 328
then for a man to Snivel, and Sneeze himself into another World; or to go away in a Meagrim, or a Spotted-Feaver, perchance; which is the Ordi∣nary effect of this poysonous Tabacca. It is with Tobacconists, as 'tis with Demoni∣acs under an Exorcism; They fume, and Vaper, but the Devil sticks to them still. Many there are that make a very Idol of it, they admire, they adore it, tempting and persecuting all people to take it, and the bare mention of it, puts them into an Extasie. In the Smoke, it is a Probation for Hell, where another day they must Endure Smoking; Taken in Powder, at the Nose, it draws upon Youth the Incommodities of old age, in the perpetual Annoyance of Rheum, and Drivel.
The Devil of Subornation came next, which was a good complexion'd, and a well timber'd Devil: to my great A∣mazement I must acknowledg, for I had never seen any Devils till now, but what were Extreme Ugly. The Air of his face was so familiar to me, that me∣thought I had seen it in a Thousand se∣veral places; som•time under a Veil,
Page 329
sometime open; now under one shape, and then under another. One while he call'd himself Child's-play; Another while, Kind Entertainment; Here, Pay∣ment; there, Restitution; and in a third place, Almes: but in fine, I could never learn his right Name. I remember in some places I have heard him call'd In∣heritance; Profit; Good Cheap; Patri∣mony, Gratitude. Here he was call'd Doctor; there, Batchelor. With the Lawyers, Solliciters, and Atturneys, he past under the Name of Right; and the Confessers call'd him Charity.
He was well accompany'd, and stil'd himself Satan's Lieutenant: but there was a Devil of Consequence that oppos'd him, might and main: and made This Proclamation of himself. Be it known, (says he) that I am the Great Embroyler, and Politick Entangler of Affairs. The Deluder of Princes, The Pretext of the Vnworthy, and the Excuse of Tyrants. I can make Black, White; and give what Colour I please to the foulest Actions in Nature. If I had a Mind to overturn the World, and put all in a general Confusion, I could do it; for I have it in my Power,
Page 330
to Banish Order and Reason out of it: To turn Sauciness, and Importunity into Merit; Example into Necessity; To give Law to Success; Authority to Infamy; and Credit to Insolence. I have the Tongues of all Counsellers at my Girdle, and they shall speak neither more nor less then just as I please. In short, That's Easie to me which others account Impossible, and while I live, ye need ne∣ver fear either Virtue, Justice or Good Government in the World. This Devil of Subornation, that talks of his Lieu∣tenancy, what could he ever have done without me? He's a Rascal that no Person of Quality would admit into his Company, if I did not fit him with Vi∣zors, and Disguises. Let him hold his Tongue then, and know himself; and let me hear no more of those Disputes about the Lieutenancy of Hell, for I have Lucifer's Broad Seal to shew for my Title to't.
For my part (cry'd another Muti∣nous Spirit) I am one of those humble-minded Devils that can content my self to hold the Door, upon a good Occasion; or knock under the Table, and play at
Page 331
small Game rather then stand out. But few words among Friends are best, and when I have spoken three or four, let him come up that lists. I am then (says he) the Devil Interpreter, and my bu∣siness is to Gloss upon the Text; In which Case, the Cuckolds are Exceed∣ingly beholden to me; for I have much to say for the Honour of the Horn. How should a poor fellow that has a handsome Wench to his Wife, and never a penny to live on, hold up his Head in the World, if it were not for that Quality? I have a pretty faculty in doing good Offices for Distressed Ladies, at a time of Need; and I make the whole Sex sensible how great a Folly, and Madness it is to neg∣lect those sweet opportunities. Among other Secrets, I have found out a way to establish an Office for Thievery, where the Officers shall be Thieves and Iustify it when they have done. Here he stop't.
There was a short Silence, and then there appear'd another Devil, of about a foot and a half long. I am (says he) a Devil but of a small size, and perhaps one of the least in Hell; and yet the Door opens to me as well as to ano∣ther;
Page 332
for I never come Empty-handed. Why, what have you brought then? (says the Intermedler) and came up to him; What have I brought? (quoth he) I have brought an Eternal Talker, and a Finical Flatterer: They are two pieces, that were in high Esteem in the Cabinets of two Great Princes; and I have brought them for a Present to Lucifer. With That, Lucifer cast his Eye upon them, and with a Damn'd-Verjuice-face, as if he had bitten a Crab, You do well (says he) to say ye had them at Court; and I think you should do well to carry them thither again; for I had as live have their Room, as their Company.
After him, follow'd another Dwarf-Devil, complaining that he had been a matter of six years about so infamous a Rascal, that there was no good to be done with him, for the Bad as well as the Better sort were Scandaliz'd at his Conversation. A mighty Piece of bu∣siness, cry'd the Governante. And could you not have gotten him a handsome Office, or Employment? That would have made him good for something, and you might have done his Business.
Page 333In the mean time the Babbler went whispering up and down, and finding faults, till at length he came to a huge bundle of sleeping Devils in a Corn•r, that were fagotted up, and all mouldy and full of Cobwebs; which he immediately gave notice of, and they cut the band to give them Air. With much ado, they waked them, and askt what Devils they were; what they did there, and why they were not upon Duty. They fell a Yawning, and said, that they were the Devils of Luxury: But since the Wo∣men have taken a Phansie to prefer Guinies and Iacobusses, before their Mo∣desty and Honour, there has been no need of a Devil in the Case to tempt them: for 'tis but shewing them the merry Spankers, they'll dare like Larks, and fall down before ye, and then ye may e'en do what you will with them, and take them up in a Purse-net. Gold supplies all imperfections; it makes an Angel of a Crocodile; turns a Fool into a Philosopher; and a Dressing-Box well lin'd, is worth twenty thousand Devils. So that there is no temptation like a Pre∣sent: and take them from Top to Bottom,
Page 334
the whole Race of Woman is frail, and one thred of Pearl will do more with them than a million of fine stories.
Just as this Devil made an end, we heard another snorting; and 'twas well he did so, for we had trod upon his belly else. He was laid hold of, upon suspicion that he slept Dog-sleep, or rather the sleep of a contented Cuckold, that would spoil no sport where he made none. I am (says he) the Nuns Devil, and for want of other employment I have been three days asleep here as you found me. My Mi∣stresses are now chusing an Abbess, and al∣ways when they are at that work, I make Holy-day: For they are all Devils them∣selves then; There is such Canvasing, Flattering, Importuning, Cajoling, making of Parties; and in a word so general a Confusion, that a Devil among them would do more hurt than good. Nay, the Ambitious make it a point of Honour upon such an occasion, to shew that they can out-wit the Devils. And if ever Hell should be in danger of a Peace, It is my Advice, that you presently call in a Convention of Nuns to the Election of an Abbess; which would most certainly
Page 335
reduce it to its ancient state of Sedi∣tion, Mutiny, and Confusion, and bring us all in effect to such a pass, that we should hardly know one another.
Lucifer was very well pleas'd with the Advice, and order'd it to be entred upon the Register, as a sure Expedient to suppr•ss any disorders that might happen for the future to the disturbance of his Government: after which he commanded the issuing out of a Sum∣mons to all his Companies and Livery∣men, who forthwith appear'd in pro∣digious Multitudes; and Lucifer with a Hideous Yell deliver'd himself most graciously as follows.
