The visions of dom Francisco de Quevedo Villegas, knight of the Order of St. James made English by R.L.
Quevedo, Francisco de, 1580-1645., L'Estrange, Roger, Sir, 1616-1704.
Page  171


BEing one Autumn, at a Friend's house in the Country, (which was indeed a most delicious Re∣treat) I took a walk one Moon-light into the Park; where all my past Visions came fresh into my Head again, and I was well enough pleas'd with the Medita∣tion. At length, the Humour ook me to leave the Path, and go further into the wood: what Impulse carry'd me to this, I know not. Whether I was mov'd by my good Angel, or some higher Power, but so it was▪ that in half a quarter of an hour, I found my self a great way from home, and in a place where 'twas no longer Night; with the Pleasantest Prospect round Page  172 about me that ever I saw since I was born. The Air was calm, and Tempe∣rate; and it was no small Advantage to the Beauty of the Place, that it was both Innocent, and Silent. On the one hand, I was entertain'd with the Mur∣murs of Christal Rivolets; On the Other, with the whispering of the Trees; The Birds singing all the while either in Emulation, or Requital of the Other Harmonies. And now, to shew the Instability of our Affections, and Desires, I was grown weary even of Tranquillity it self, and in this most agreeable Solitude, began to long for Company.

When in the very Instant, (to my great wonder) I discover'd two Paths, issuing from One, and the same Begin∣ing; but dividing themselves forwards, more and more, by Degrees, as if they liked not One Another's Company. That on the right Hand was Narrow, almost beyond Imagination; and being very little frequented, it was so over∣grown with Thorns and Brambles; and so stony withal, that a man had all the Trouble in the world to get into't. Page  173 One might see however, the Prints and Marks of several Passengers, that had rubb'd through, though with Exceed∣ing Difficulty; for they had left pieces of Heads, Arms, Legs, Feet, and many of them their whole skins behind them. Some we saw yet upon the way, pres∣sing forward, without ever so much as looking back; and these were all of them Pale-faced, Lean, Thin, and Mise∣rably Mortify'd. There was no passing for Horse-men; and I was told, that St. Paul himself left his Horse, when He went into't. And indeed, there was not the footing of any Beast to be seen. Neither Horse, nor Mule; Nor the Track of any Coach, or Charret. Nor could I learn that any had past that way in the memory of man. While I was bethinking my self of what I had seen, I spy'd at length, a Beggar, that was Resting himself a little to take Breath; and I ask'd him what Inns or Lodging they had upon that Road? His Answer was that there was no stop∣ping there, till they came to their Journey's End. For This (said he) is the way to Paradise, and what should Page  174 they do with Inns or Taverns, where there are so few Passengers? Do not you know that in the Course of Na∣ture, to Dye, is to be Born; to Live, is to Travel; and the world is but a great Inn, after which, it is but one stage Ei∣ther to Pain or Glory. And with these words he March'd forward, and bad me God b'w'y'; telling me withal, that it was time lost to linger in the way of Virtue, and not safe to entertain such Dialogues, as tend rather to Curiosity, then Instruction. And so he pursued his Journey, stumbling, tearing his Flesh, and Sighing, and Groning at every step; and weeping as if he thought to soften the stones with his Tears. This is no way for me, thought I to my self; and no Company Nei∣ther; for they are a sort of Beggarly, Morose people, and will never agree with my Humour. So I drew back and strook off into the left hand way.

And there I found Company Enough, and Room for more. What a world of Brave Cavaliers! Guilt Coaches, Rich Liveries, and handsome, Lively Lasses, as Glorious as the Sun! Some were Page  175 Singing, and Laughing; Others tick∣ling One another, and Toying; Some again, at their Cheese-Cakes and China-Orenges; Or appointing a Set at Cards: so that taking all together, I durst have sworn I had been at the Park. This minded me of the Old saying, Tell me thy Company, and I'l tell thee thy Man∣ners: and to save the Credit of my Education, I put my self into the Noble Mode, and Jogg'd on. And there was I at the first Dash up to the Ears, in Balls, Playes, Mascarades, Collations, Dallian∣ces, Amours, and as full of Joy as my Heart could hold.

It was not here, as upon t'other Rode, where folks went bare-foot, and Naked, for want of Shoo-makers, and Taylors: for here were Enow, and to spare; Beside Mercers, Drapers, Iewellers, Bodyes-ma∣kers, Perruque-makers, Milleners, and a French Ordinary at every other Door. You cannot imagine the Pleasure I took in my New Acquaintance; And yet there was now and then, some Justling and Disorder upon the way; Chiefly between the Physicians upon their Mules, and the Infantry of the Lawyers,Page  176 that march't in great Bodies before the Iudges; and contested for Place. But the Physicians carry'd it, in favour of their Charter, which gives them Privi∣lege, to Study, Practise, and Teach the Art of Poysoning; and to read Lectures of it in the Vniversities. While this point of Honour was in dispute, I per∣ceiv'd divers crossing from one way to the Other, and changing of parties. Some of them stumbled, and Reco∣ver'd; Others fell down right. But the pleasantest Gambole of all, was that of the Vintners. A whole Litter of them tumbled into a Pit together, one over another, but finding they were out of their Element, they got up again as fast as they could. Those that were in the right hand way, which was the way of Paradise, or Virtue, advanc'd very hea∣vily, and made us Excellent sport. Prethee look what a Friday-face that fel∣low makes! cryes one; Hang him, Prick-Ear'd Cur, says another; Dam' me cryes a Third, if the Rogue be not Drunk with Holy water; If the Devil hd raked Hell, he could not have found such a Pack of Ill-lookt Rascals, sayes Another. Page  177 Some of them stop't their Ears, and went on without minding us. Others we put out of Countenance, and they came over to us. And a Third sort came out of pure Love to our Com∣pany.

After this, I observ'd a great many People a far off in a By-path: with as much Contrition, and Devotion, in their Looks, and Gestures as ever I saw in Men. They walk'd shaking their Heads, and lifting up their hands to Heaven; and they had most of them large Ears, and to my thinking Geneva-Bibles. These thought I, are a People of sin∣gular Integrity, and strictness of Life, above their Fellows; but coming near∣er, we found them to be Hypocrites; and that though they'd none of our Com∣pany upon the Road, They would not fail to meet us at our Iourney's End. Fasting, Repentance, Prayer, Mortifica∣tion, and other Holy Duties, which are the Exercise of Good Christians, in Or∣der to their Salvation, are but a Kind of Probation to these men, to fit them for the Devil. They were follow'd by a Number of Devotes, and Holy Sisters; Page  178 that Kiss't the Skirts of their Garments all the way they went, but whether out of Zeal, Spiritual, or Natural, is hard to say; and undoubtedly, some Women's Kisses are worse then Iudasses. For though his Kiss was Treacherous in the Intention, it was right yet in the Appli∣cation: but This was one Iudas Kissing Another, which makes me think there was more of the Flesh, then of the Spirit in the Case. Some would be drawing a Thred now and then out of the Holy∣man's Garment, to make a Relique of. Others would cut out large Snips, as if they had a Mind to see them Naked▪ Some again desir'd they would remember them in their Prayers; which was just as much as if they had commended them∣selves to the Devil by a Third Person. Some Pray'd for good Matches for their Daughters; Others, beg'd Children for themselves: And sure the Husband that allows his Wife to ask Children abroad, will be so Civil as to take them Home, when they are given him. In fine, these Hypocrites may for a while perchance impose upon the world, and Delude the Multitude; but no Mask, or Dis∣guise Page  179 is proof against the all-piercing Eye of the Almighty. There are I must confess many Religious, and Godly men, for whose Persons and Pray∣ers, I have a great Esteem. But these are not of the Hypocrites Humour, to build their Hopes, and Ambition upon Popular applause, and with a Counter∣feit Humility, to proclaim their Weak∣ness, and Unworthiness; their Failings; Yea and their Transgressions in the Market place; All which is indeed but a True Iest; for they are really what they say, though they would not be thought so.

These went apart, and were look't upon to be neither Fish, nor Flesh; nor Good Red-Herring. They wore the Name of Christians; but they had nei∣ther the wit, nor the honesty of Pagans. For they content themselves with the Pleasures of this Life, because they know no better. But the Hypocrite, that's instructed both in the Life Tem∣poral, and Eternal, lives without either Comfort in the One, or Hope in the Other; and takes more pains to be damn'd, then a Good Christian does to Compass his Sal∣vation.Page  180 In short, we went on our way in Discourses. The Rich follow'd their Wealth, and the poor the Rich; beg∣ging there, what Providence had deny'd them. The Stubborn, and Obstinate went away by Themselves, for they would hear no Body that was wiser then them∣selves, but ran hudling on, and prest still to be foremost. The Magistrates drew after them, all the Sollicitors, and At∣turneys. Corrupt Iudges were carry'd away by Passion, and Avarice. And Vain, and Ambitious Princes, trayl'd along with them, Principalities, and Common-wealths. There were a world of Cler∣gy upon this Rode too. And I saw one full Regiment of Souldiers there, which would have been brave Fellows indeed, if they had but been half so good at Praying, and Fighting, as they were at Swearing. Their whole discourse was of their Adventures, How Narrowly they came off at such an Assault; What wounds they receiv'd upon t'other Breach; and then what a Destruction they made at such a time, of Mutton, and Poultry. But all they said, came in at one Ear, and went out at t'other. Page  181 Do' n't you remember, Sirrah, sayes one, how we claw'd it away at such a Place! Yes, ye Damn'd Rogue you, cryes t'other, when you were so drunk you took your Aunt for the Bawd. These and such as these were the Only Exploits they could truly brag of.

While they were upon these Glori∣ous Rhodomontades, certain generous Spirits from the Right Hand way, that knew what they were, by the Boxes of Pass-ports, Testimonials, and Recommen∣dations they wore at their Girdles, cry'd out to them, as if it had been to an Attacque: Fall on, Fall on, my Lads, and Follow me. This, This is the Path of Honour, and if you were not Poultrons you would not quit it for fear of a Hard March, or an ill Lodging. Courage Camerades; and be assur'd, that this Combat well fought, makes all your For∣tunes, and Crowns ye for ever. Here, ye shall be sure both of Pay, and Reward, without casting the Issue of all your Haz∣zards, and Hopes upon the Empty Promi∣ses of Princes. How long will ye pursue this Trade of Blood and Rapine? And Acusom your Ears, and tongues to the Page  182 Tragical out-cryes of, Burn; No Quar∣ter; Kill, or Dye. It is not pay, or Pil∣lage, but Virtue that's a Brave man's Recompence. Trust to her, and shee'l not deceive ye. If it be the War, ye Love, Come to Vs; Bear Arms on the right side, and wee'l find you work. Do not you know, that Man's Life is a Warfare? That the World, the Flesh, and the De∣vil, are Three Vigilant Enemies? And that it is as much as his Soul is worth, to put himself, but for one Minute out of his Guard. Princes tell ye, that your Bloods, and your Lives are Theirs, and that to shed the One, and lose the Other, in their Service, is no Obligation, but a Duty. You are still however to look to the Cause; Wherefore turn head, and come along with us, and be happy. The Soul∣diers heard all this with Exceeding Pa∣tience, and Attention: But the Brand of Cowardice had such an effect upon them, that without any more ado, like men of Honour, they presently quitted the Rode; Drew; and as bold as Lyons, charg'd headlong into a Tavern.

After this, we saw a great Troop of Women upon the High-way to Hell, with Page  183 their Bags; and their fellows, at their Heels, ever, and anon, hunching, and Justling one Another. On the other side; A number of Good people, that were almost at the End of their Jour∣ney, came over into the wrong Rode; for the Right-hand way, growing Easier, and Wider toward the End, and that on the left hand, on the Contrary, Narrower, they thought they had been out of their way, and so came in to Vs; As many of Ours, went over to Them, upon the same Mistake. Among the Rest, I saw a great Lady, without either Coach, Se∣dan, or any living Creature with her, foot it all the way to Hell: which was to me so great a wonder, considering how she had liv'd in the world, that I presently look't about for a Publick Notary, to make an Entry of it. The Woman was in a most Miserable Pickle; and I did not know what design she might Drive on, under that Disguise; but finding never a Notary, or Register at hand, though I mist my Particular Aim, yet I was well Enough pleas'd with it, for I took it then for Granted that I was in my Ready way to Heaven.Page  184 But when I came afterward to reflect upon the Crosses, Afflictions and Morti∣fications, that lye in the way to Para∣dise: And to Consider, that there was Nothing of That upon this Rode. But on the Contrary, Laughing, Singing, Frollicking, and all manner of Iollity: This I must confess, gave me a Qualm, and made me a little doubtful whither I was going.

But I was quickly deliver'd of that Doubt, by a Gang of Marry'd Men, that we overtook, with their Wives in their Hands, in Evidence of their Mortifi∣cations: My Wife's my Witness (cryes one) that every day since I marry'd her has been a Fasting day to me; To Pamper her with Cock-Broth, and Iellyes. And my Wife knows how I have humbled my Body, by Nakedness; for I have hardly allow'd my self a Rag to my Back-side; or a Shoe to my Foot, to maintain her in her Coach, Pages, Gowns, Petty-Coats, and Iewels. So that upon the matter, I peceive an Vnlucky hit with a Wife, gives a Man as much Right to the Cata∣logue of Matyrs, as if He hd ended his Dayes at the stake.

Page  185The Misery these poor Wretches endur'd, made me think my self in the Right again; till I heard a Cry behind me, Make Way there; Make Way for the 'Pothcearies. Bless me, thought I, If They be here we are certainly going to the Devil. And so it prov'd, for we were just then come to a little Door, that was made like a Mouse-Trap, where 'twas Easy to get in, but there was no getting out again.

It was a strange thing, that scarce any body so much as Dream't of Hell, all the way we went; and yet every body knew where they were, as soon as they came there: and cry'd out with one Voice, Miserable Creatures! we are Damn'd, we are Damn'd. That Word made my Heart Ake; And is it come to that then? said I. I began then with Tears in my Eyes, to Reflect upon what I had left in the World, As my Rela∣tions, Friends, Ladyes, Mistre••es, and in ine, all my Old Acquaintance: When with a Heavy Sigh, looking behind m, I saw the greater part of them Po∣••ing af••r me. It gave me, me thougt, sme Comfort, that I shuld have so Page  186 good Company; vainly imagining that even Hell it self might be Capa∣ble of some Relief.

Going further on; I was gotten in∣to a Crowd of Taylors, that stood up sneaking in a Corner, for fear of the Devils. At the first Door, there was Seven Devils, taking the Names of those that Came in: and they ask't me mine, and my Quality, and so they let me pass. But examining the Taylors; These fellows (cry'd one of the Devils) come in such shoals, as if Hell were made only for Taylors. How many are they? (says another) Answer was made, about a Hundred. About a Hundred? They must be more then a Hundred, says t'other, if they be Taylors; for they never come uder a Thousand, or Twelve hundred stong. And we have so many here al∣ready I do not know where we shall 'stow them. Say the word, my Masters, shall's let them in or no? the poor Prick-Lice were damn'dly startled at that, for fear they should not get in: but in the End, they had the Favour to be admit∣ted. Certainly, said I, these folks are but in an ill Condition, when 'tis a Page  187 Menace for the Devils themselves to refuse to receive them: Thereupon, a Huge, over-grown, Club-footed, Crump-shoulder'd Devil, threw them all into a Deep Hole. Seeing such a Monster of a Devil, I ask't him, how He came to be so deform'd. And He told me, He had spoyl'd his Back with Carrying of Taylors: for said he, I have been formerly made use of as a Sumpter to fetch them; but now of late they save me that Labour, and come so fast of themselves, that 'tis one Devils work to dispose of them. While the word was yet speaking, there came Another Glut of them, and I was fain to make way, that the Devil might have Room to work in, who pil'd them up, and told me they made the best Fewel in Hell.

I pass'd forward then into a little Dark Ally, where it made me start to hear one call me by my Name, and with much ado I perceiv'd a fellow there all wrapt up in Smoke, and Flame. Alas! Sir sys he; Have you forgotten your old Book-seller in Pope's Head-Alley? I cry thee Mrcy, quoth I, What? art thou Page  188 here? Yes, Yes, Sir (says he) 'tis e'en too True. I never dream't it would have come to This. He thought I must needs pity him, when I knew him: but truly I reflected rather upon the Justice of his Punishment. For in a word, his Shop was the very Mint of Heresy, Schisme, and Sedition. I put on a Face of Compassion however, to give him a little Ease, which He took hold of, and vented his Complaint. Well Sir (sayes He) I would my Father had made me a Hangman, when He made me a Statio∣ner; for we are call'd to Accompt for Other Men's works, as well as for our Own. And one thing that's cast in our Dish, is the selling of Translations, so Dog-cheap, that every Sot knows now as much, as would formerly have made a Passable Doctor, and every Nasty Groom, and Roguy Lacquay is grown as familiar with Homer, Virgil, Ovid, as if 'twere Robin the Devil; The seven Champions; or a piece of George Withers. He would have talk't on, if a Devil had not stop't his Mouth with a Whiffe from a rowle of his own Papers, and Choak't him with the smoak on't. The Pestilent Page  189 Fume would have dispatch't me too, if I had not got presently out of the Reach on't. But I went my way, say∣ing this to my self; If the Book-seller be thus Criminal, what will become of the Author?

I was diverted from this Medita∣tion, by the ruful Grones, of a great many Souls that were under the Lash; and the Devil Tyrannizing over them with Whips, and Scourges. I ask't what they were; and it was told me, that there was a Plot among the Hackney-Coach-men to exhibit an Information against the Devils, for taking the Whip out of their Hands, and setting up a Trade they had never serv'd to, (which is Contrary to Quinto Elizabethae.) Well, said I: But why are they tor∣mented here? With That, an old Sowr-look't Coach-man took the Answer out of the Devil's Mouth, and told me; that it was because they came to Hell a Horseback, which they pretended, was a Privilege that did not belong to Rogues of their Quality. Speak Truth, and be hang'd, cry'd the Devil; and make an honest Confession here. Say, Page  190 Sirrah, How many Bawdy Voyages hve you made to Hackney? How many Nights have you stood Pimping at Marybone? How many Whores, and Knaves have you Brought together? And how many Lyes have you told, to keep all Private, since you first set up this Scandalous Trade? There was a Coach-man by, that had serv'd a Iudge, and thought 'twas no more for his old Master to fetch a Ras∣cal out of Hell, then out of Newgate; which made this fellow stand upon his Points, and ask the Devil, how he durst give that Language to so Honourable a Profession: for (says he) who wear better Clothes then your Coachmen? Are not we in our Velvets, Embroyderies, and Laces? and as Glorious as so many Phae∣tos? Have not our Mastrs reason to be good to us, when their Necks are at stake, and their Lives at our Mercy? Nay, we govern those, many times, that Govern Kingdomes; And a Prince is almost in as much Danger of his Coach-man as of his Physician. And There are, that under∣stand it too, and Themselves, and Vs; and that will not stick to trust their Coach-men as far as they would do their Page  191 Confessors. There's no Absurdity in the Comparison; for if They know some of their Privacies, we know more; yes, and perhaps more then Wee'l speak of. What have we here to do? cry'd a De∣vil that was ready to break his heart with Laughing. A Coach-man, in his Tropes, and Figures? An Orator instead of a Waggoner? The slave has broke his Bridle, and got his Head at Liberty, and now hee'l never have done. No, why should he? (says another that had serv'd a great Lady more wayes then One) Is this the best Entertainment you can afford your Servants? your daily Drudges? I'm sure we bring you good Commodity, well pack't; well Con∣dition'd; well perfum'd; Right, Neat, and Clean: Not like your City-war+- that comes dirty to you, up to the Hocks; and yet every Daggle-Tayl'd Wench, and Skip-Kennel, shall be better us'd then We. Ah! The Ingratitude of this Place! If we had done as much for some-body else, as we have done fo you, we should not have been now to seek, for our Wages. When you have nothing else to say, you tell me that Page  192 I am punish't for carrying the Sick, the Gowty, the Lame, to Church; to Mass; or some stragling Virgins, back again to their Cloyster: Which is a Damn'd Lye; for I am able to prove, that all my Trading lay at the Play-houses, Baw∣dy-houses, Taverns, Balls, Collations: Or else at the Tour à la Mode, where there was still appointed some after-meeting, to treat of certain affairs, that highly Import the Interest, and Welfare of your Dominions. I have indeed carry'd my Mistress sometimes to the Church-Door, but it signify'd no more then if I had carry'd her to a Conventicle; for all her Business there, was to meet her Gallant, and to agree when they should meet next; according to the way of De∣votion now in Mode. To conclude; It is most certain, that I never took any Creature (knowingly) into my Coach, that had so much as a Good Thought. And it was so well known to us, that it was all one, to ask, If a Lady were a Maid; or, if she had ever been in my Coach. If it appear'd she had; He that marry'd her, knew before-hand, what he had to trust to. And after all this, Page  193 ye have made us a fair Requital. With That, the Devil fell a Laughing, and with five or six Twingeing Jerks, half flay'd the poor Coach-man; so that I was e'en glad to Retire; in pity partly to the Coach-man, and partly to my self; for the Currying of a Coach-man, is little better then the turning up of a Dunghil.

My next Adventure was into a Deep Vault, where I began immediately to shudder, and my Teeth chatter'd in my Head. I ask't the Meaning of it; and there came up to me a Devil, with Kib'd Heels, and his Toes all Mortify'd; and told me that That Quarter was alotted to the Buffons and Drolls, which are a people (says he) of so starv'd a Conceipt, and so cold a Discourse, that we are fain to Chain, and Lock them up, for fear they should spoil the Tem∣per of our Fire. I ask't if a man might see them. The Devil told me yes, and shew'd me One of the lewdest Ken∣nels in Hell. And there were they at it, peking at One Another, and nothing but the same fooleries over and over again, that they had practis'd upon Page  194 Earth. Among the Buffons, I saw di∣vers that pas'd here in the World for Men of Honesty, and Honour: which were in, as the Devil told me, for Flat∣tery, and were a sort of Buffon, that goes betwixt the Bark and the Tree. But, why are they condemn'd? said I. The other Buffons are condemn'd (quoth the De∣vil) for want of Favour; and These, for having too much, and abusing it. You must know, they come upon us, still at Unawares; and yet they find all things in Readiness; the Cloth laid, and the Bed made, as if they were at home. To say the Truth, we have some sort of Kindness for them; for they save us a great deal of Trouble, in Tormenting one another.

Do you see him there? That, was a wicked, and a Partial Iudg; and all he has to say for himself, is, that he re∣members the Time when he could have broke the Neck of two Honest Causes, and He put them only out of Ioynt. That good-fellow there, was a careless Hus∣band, and him we lodge too with the Buffons. He sold his Wives Portion, Wife and all, to please his Companions; Page  195 and turn'd both into an Annuity. That Lady there (though a great One) is fain to take up too with the Buffons, for they are both of a Humour: What They do with their Talk, she does with her Body, and seasons it to all Appetites. In a word, you shall find Buffons in all Conditions; and in effect, there are nigh as many, as there are men and Women: For the whole world is given to Ieering, Slandering, Back-biting, and there are more Natural Buffons, then Artificial.

At my going out of the Vault, I saw a matter of a Thousand Devils, follow∣ing a Drove of Pastry-men, and Break∣ing their Heads as they pass'd along, with Iron Peels. Alack! cry'd one of them, that was yet in a whole Skin, it is hard the Sin of the Flesh should be laid to our charge, that never had to do with Women. Impudent, Nasty Ras∣cals (quoth a Devil) who has deserv'd Hell, if they have not? How many thousand men have these slovens poy∣son'd, with the Grease of their Heads, and Tailes, instead of Mutton-Sewet? with Snot-Pies for Marrow; and FliesPage  196 for Currants? How many Stomach have they turn'd into Laystals with the Dgs-Flesh; Horse-Flesh and other Car∣rion that they have put into them? And do these Rogues complain (in the Devil's Name) of their sufferings? Leave your Bawling, Ye Whelps, (says he) and know, that the Pain you en∣dure, is nothing to that of your Tor∣menters. And for your Part (says he, with a fowr Look) because you are a stranger, you may go about your Busi∣ness; but we have a Crow to pluck with these fellows, before we part.

I went next, down a pair of stairs into a huge Cellar, where I saw men burning in unquenchable Fire; and one of them Roaring, Cry'd out, I ne∣ver over sold; I never sold, but at Con∣scionable Rates, why am I punish't thus? I durst have sworn it had been Iudas, but going Nearer him, to see if He had a Red-head, I found him to be a Mer∣chant of my Acquaintance, that dy'd not long since. How now, old Martin, (said I) art thou there? He was dogged, because I did not call him Sir, and made no Answer. I saw his Grief, and told Page  197 him how much He was to blame, to cherish that Vanity even in Hell, that had brought him thither. And what do ye think on't now (said I) Had not you better have traded in Blacks then Christians? Had not you better hav contented your self with a Little, honestly got, then run the Hazard of your Soul for an Estate; and have gone to Heaven a foot, rather then to the Devil on Horse∣back? My Friend was as Mute as a Fish; whether out of Anger, Shame, or Grief, I know not. And then a Devil in Office took up the Discourse. These Pick-Pocket Rogues, (says he) Did they think to govern the World with their own Weights and Measures, in Secla Seculorum. Methinks, the Blinking, and false lights of their shops, should have Minded them of their Quarter in the Other World, aforehand. And 'tis all a Case, with Iewellers, Goldsmiths, and Other Trades, that serve only to Flatter and Bolster up the World in Luxury, and Folly. But if people would be wise, these Youths should have little Enough to do. For what's their Cloth of Gold, and Silver, their Silks, their Diamond,Page  198 and Pearl, (which they sell at their own Price) but matter of meer Wantonness, and Superfluity? These are they that inveigle ye into all sorts of Extrava∣gant Expences, and so ruine ye Insensi∣bly, under colour of Kindness, and Credit. For they set every thing at double the Rate; and if you keep not touch at your Day, your Persons are imprison'd; your Goods Seiz'd; and your Estates Extended. And they that hel'pt to make you Princes before, are now the forwardest to put you into the Con∣dition of Beggars.

The Devil would have talk't on, if I had given him the hearing, but there was such a Laugh set up on one side of me, as if they would all have split; and I went to see what the Matter was; for 'twas a strange thing, me thought, to hear them so merry in Hell. The Business was, there were two men upon a Scaffold, in Gentile habits, gaping as lowd as they could Bawl. One of them had a great Parchment in his Hand, dis∣play'd, with Divers Labels hanging at it, and several Seals. I thought at first i might have been Execution-day, and Page  199 took the Writing for a Pardon, or R∣prieve. At every word they spoke, a matter of Seven or Eight Thousand Devils burst out a Laughing, as they would have crack't their Sides. And This again made me think, it might be some Iack-pudding, or Mounte-bank, shewing his Tricks, or his Attestations; with his Congregation of fools about him. But nearer hand, I found my Mi∣stake; and that the Devils Mirth made the Gentlemen angry. At last, I per∣ceiv'd that this great Earnestness of theirs was only to make out their Pe∣degree, and get themselves past for Gentlemen; the Parchment being a Te∣stimonial from the Heralds Office, to that Purpose. My Father (says he with the writing in's Hand) bore Arms for his Majesty in many Honourable Oc∣casions, of Watching, and Warding; and has made many a Tall Fellow speak to the Constable, at all hours of the Night. My Uncle was the first man that ever was of the Order of the black-Guard: And we have had five Brave Commanders of our Family, by my Father's side, that have serv'd the State Page  200 in the Quality of Marshal's-men, and Turn-Keys, and given his Majesty a fair Accompt of all the Pris'ners commit∣ted to their Charge. And by my Mo∣ther's side, it will not be deny'd, but that I am honourably descended; For my Grandmother was never without Dozen Chamber-maids, and Nurses in Family. It may be 'twas her Trade (quoth the Devil) to procure Services, and Servants, and consequently to deal in that Commodity. Well, Well, (said the Cavalier) she was what she was; and I'm sure I tell you Nothing but Truth. Her Husband wore a Sword, by his Place, for he was a Deputy-Mar∣shal; and to prove my self a Man of Honour, I have it here in Black and White, under the Seal of the Office. Why must I then be quarter'd among a Pack of Rascals? My Gentleman Friend; (quoth the Devil) your Grand∣father wore a Sword, as He was Vsher to a Fencing School; and we know very well what his Son, and Grandchild can pretend to. But let that pass; you have led a Wicked ad infamous Life, and spnt your time, in Whoring, Drinking, Page  201 Blaspheming, and in Lewd Company; and do you tell us now of the Privileges of your Nobility? Your Testimonials; and the Seal of the Office? A Fart for your Privileges, Testimonials, Office and all. There is no Honour, but Virtue. And if your Children, though they had a Scoundrel to their Father, should come to do honourable and worthy things, we should look upon them as Persons Sacred, and not dare to Meddle with them. But Talking is Time lost; You were ever a Couple of Pitiful fellows, and your Tayls scarce worth the Scald∣ing. Have at ye, (says he) and at that word, with a huge Iron Bar He gave him such a Salute over the Buttocks, that He took two or three turns in the Air, Heels over Head, and dropt at last into the Common-shore; where never any man as yet found the Bot∣tom.

When his Companion had seen him Cut that Caper; This Usage (says he) may be well enough for a Parchment Gentleman: but for a Cavalier of my Extraction, and Profession, I suppose you'l Treat him with somewhat more Page  202 of Civility, and Respect. Cavalier (quoth the Devil) if you have brought no better Plea along with you, then the Antiquity of your House, you may e'en follow your Camerade, for ought I know, for we find very few ancient Fa∣milies, that had not some Oppressor or Vsurper, for their Founder; and they are commonly continu'd by the same means, they were begun. How many are there of our Titular Nobility, that write Noble, purely upon the Accompt of their Violence, and Injustice? Their Subjects, and Tenants, what with Im∣positions, hard services, and Rack't Rents, are they not Worse then slaves? If they happen to have any thing Ex∣traordinary, as a pleasant Fruit; A Handsome Colt; a Good Cow; and that the Landlord, or his Sweet Lady take a liking to it, they must either sub∣mit to part with it Gratis, or else take their Pay in foul Language, or Bastina∣does. And 'tis well if they 'scape so: For many times when the sign's in Ge∣mini; their Wives and Daughters go to Pot, without any regard of Laws either Sacred or Prophane. What Page  203 Damn'd Blasphemies and Imprecations do they make use of, to get Credit with a Mistress or a Creditor, Upon a Faith∣less Promise! How intolerable is their Pride, and Insolence, even towards ma∣ny Considerable Officers, both in Church and State! for They behave themselves as if all people below their Quality and Rank in the World, were but as so many Brutes, or Worse. As if Humane Blood were not all of a Co∣lour: As if Nature had not brought them into the world the Common way, or Moulded them of the same Materi∣als with the Meanest Wretches upon the Earth. And then for such as have Military Charges, and Commands; How many Great Officers are there, that without any Consideration of their Own, or Their Princes Honour, fall to spoil and Pillage? Cousening the State with false Musters, and the Soul∣diers of their Pay; and giving them, instead of their Due from the Prince, a Liberty of taking what is not their due from the People; forcing them to take the Bread out of the poor La∣bourers Mouths, to fill their own Bel∣lies, Page  204 and protecting them when they have done, in the most Execrable Out∣rages Imaginable. And when the poor Souldier comes at last to be dismist, or disbanded; Lame, Sick, Beggerly, Naked almost, and Enraged; with Nothing left him to trust to, but the high-way to keep him from starving. What Mischief is there in the world, that these men are not the Cause of? How many good Families are utterly ruin'd, and at this day in the Hospital, for trusting to their Oaths and Promises! and becoming bound for them, for vast sums of Money to maintain them in Tipple, and Whores, and in all sorts of Luxury, and Ryot? This Rhetorical Devil would have said a Thousand times more, but that his Companions call'd him off, and told him they had business elsewhere. The Cavalier hear∣ing that, my Friend, (said he) your Morals are very good, but yet with your Favour, all men are not alike. There's never a Barrel better Herring, (said the Devil) You are all of ye tainted with Original Sin, and if you had been any better then your fellows, Page  205 you had never been sent hither. But if you are indeed so Noble, as you say, you're worth the Burning, if 'twere but for your Ashes. And that you may have no Cause of Complaint, you shall see, Wee'l treat you like a person of your Condition. And in that Instant, Two Devils presented themselves; the one of them Bridled, and Sadled; and the other, doing the Office of the Squire; holding the Stirrop, with his left hand, and giving the Gentleman a Lift into the Saddle with the Other. Which was no sooner done, but away he went like an Arrow out of a Bow. I ask't the De∣vil then into what Countrey he car∣ry'd him. And he told me, Not far: for 'twas only matter of Decorum, to send the Nobility to Hell, a Horse-back. Look on that side now, says he, and so I did; and There I saw the poor Cava∣lier in a huge Furnace, with the first Inventers of Nobility, and Arms: As Cain; Cham; Nimrod; Esau; Romulus; Tarquin; Nero; Caligula; Domitian; Heliogabalus; and 〈◊〉 world of other Brave fellows, that had made themselves famous by Usurpation, and Blood. The Page  206 Place was a little too hot for me, and so I retir'd, meditating on what I had heard; and not a little satisfied with the Discourse of so learned a Devil. Till that time, I took the Devil for a Notorious Lyer; but I find now that He can speak the Truth too, when he pleases; and I would not for all I am worth, but have heard him Preach.

When I was thus far, my Curiosity carry'd me still farther; and within Twenty Yards, I eame to a huge Mud∣dy, Stinking Lake, near 'twice as big as that of Geneva; and heard in't so strange a Noise, that I was almost out of my Wits, to know what it was. They told me that the Lake was stor'd with Doüegna's, or Governantes, which are turn'd into a kind of Frogs in Hell, and perpetually Driveling, Sputtering, and Croaking. Me thought, The Con∣version was apt enough; for they are Neither Fish, nor Flesh, no more then Frogs; And Only the lower Parts of them are Man's-Meat, but their Heads are Enough to turn a very good Sto∣mach. I could not but Laugh, to see Page  207 how they Gaped, and stretch't out their Legs as they swam, and still as we came Neer, They'd Scud away and Dive.

This was no place to stay in, there was so Noysome a Vapour; and so I strook off, upon the Left-Hand; where I saw a Number of old men, beating their Breasts, and Tearing their Faces; with bitter Grones, and Lamentations. It made my Heart ake to see them, and I ask't what they were: Answer was made, that I was now in The Quarter of the Fathers that damn'd themselves, to raise their Posterity; which were called by some, The Unadvised. Wretch that I am! (cry'd one of them) The great∣est Penitent that ever liv'd, never suf∣fer'd the Mortification I have endur'd; I have Watch'd; I have Fasted; I have scarce had any Clothes to my Back▪ My whole Life has been a Restless Course of Torment, both of Body, and Mind▪ and all This, to get Money for my Chil∣dren; that I might see them well Mar∣ry'd; Buy them Places at Court, or pro∣cure them some other Preferment in the World: starving my self in the Con∣clusion, rather then I would lessen the Page  208 Provision, I had made for my Posterity. And yet Notwithstanding this my fa∣therly care, I was scarce sooner Dead, then forgotten: and my Next Heir bu∣ry'd me without Tears, or Mourning; and indeed without so much as paying of Legacies, or praying for my Soul: as if they had already received certain In∣telligence of my Damnation. And to aggravate my Sorrows, The Prodigals are now Squandering, and consuming that Estate in Gaming, Whoring, and Debauches, which I had scraped together by so much Industry, Vexation and Oppression, and for which I suffer at this Instant such Insupportable Torments. This should have been thought on before (cry'd a Devil) for sure you have heard of the Old saying. Happy is the Child whose Fa∣ther goes to the Devil. At which word, the Old Misers brake out into fresh Rage, and Lamentation, Tearing their Flesh, with Tooth and Nayl, in so ru∣ful a manner, that I was no longer able to endure the Spectacle.

A Little further, there was a Dark, Hideous Prison, where I heard the Clat∣tering of Chains; the Crackling of Page  209Flames; the Slapping of Whips; and a confused out-cry of Complaints. I ask't what Quarter this was; and they told me it was the Quarter of the Oh that I had's! What are those said I? Answer was made, that they were a Company of Brutish Sots, so absolutely deliver'd up to Vice, that they were damn'd in∣sensibly, and in Hell before they were aware. They are now reflecting upon their Miscarriages, and Omissions, and perpetually crying out; Oh that I had Examin'd my Conscience! Oh that I had frequented the Sacraments! Oh that I had humbled my self with Fasting, and Prayer! Oh that I had serv'd God as I ought! Oh that I had Visited the Sick▪ and Reliev'd the Poor! Oh that I had set a Watch before the Door of my Lips!

I left these late Repentants, (as it ap∣pear'd) in Exchange for worse, which were shut up in a Base Court, and the Nastiest that ever I saw. These were such as had ever in their Mouths. God is Merciful, and will pardon me. How can this be, (said I) that these people should be Damn'd? When Condemna∣tionPage  210 is an Act of Iustice, not of Mercy; I perceive you are simple, (quoth the Devil) for half these you see here, are condemn'd with the Mercy of God in their Mouths. And to Explain my self, Consider I pray'e, how many Sin∣ners are there, that go on in their Wayes, in spight of Reproof, and Good Counsel: and still this is their Answer; God is Merciful, and will not damn a Soul for so small a Matter. But let them talk of Mercy as they please; so long as they persist in a Wicked Life, we are like to have their Company at last. By your Argument (said I) there's no trusting to Divine Mercy. You mistake me (quoth the Devil) for every good Thought, and Work, flows from that Mercy. But This I say: He that per∣severes in his Wickedness, and makes use of the Name of Mercy, only for a Countenance to his Impieties, does but Mock the Almighty, and has no Title to that Mercy. For 'tis vain to expect Mercy from above, without do∣ing any thing in order to it. It properly belongs to the Righteous, and the Pe∣nitent; and they that have the most Page  211 of it upon the Tongue, have commonly the least thought of it in their Hearts: And 'tis a great Aggravation of Guilt, to Sin the more, in Confidence of an Abounding Mercy. It is True that many are receiv'd to Mercy, that are utterly Unworthy of it, which is no wonder, since No man of himself can deserve it: But men are so Negligent of seeking it betimes, that they put that off, to the last, which should have been the first part of their bus'ness; and many times their Life is at End, before they begin their Repentance. I did not think so Damn'd a Doctor could have made so good a Sermon. And there I left him.

I came next, to a Noysome Dark hole, and there I saw a Company of Dyers, all in Dirt, and Smoke, inter∣mixt with the Devils, and so alike, that it would have posed the subtlest Inqui∣sitor in Spain, to have said, which were the Devils, and which the Dyers.

There stood at my Elbow, a strange kind of Mungrel Devil, begot betwixt a Black, and a White; with a Head so bestuck with Little Horns, that it look't Page  212 at a Distance like a Hedg-hog. I took the Boldness to ask him, where they quarter'd the Sodomites, the Old Women and the Cuckolds. As for the Cuckolds, (said He) they are all over Hell, with∣out any Certain Quarter, or Station; and in Truth, 'tis no easie matter to know a Cuckold from a Devil, for (like kind Husbands) they wear their Wives favours still, and the very same Head∣pieces in Hell, that they wore living in the world. As to the Sodomites, we have no more to do with them, then needs must; but upon all Occasions, we either Fly, or Face them: for if ever we come to give them a Broad-side, 'Tis ten to one but we get a Hit betwixt Wind and Water; and yet we fence with our Tayls, as well as we can, and they get now and then a Flap o're the Mouth into the Bargain. And for the Old women, we make them stand off; for we take as little pleasure in them, as you do: And yet the Jades will be per∣secuting us with their Passions; and ye shall have a Bawd of five and fifty, do ye all the Gamboles of a Girl of fifteen. And yet after all this, There's not an old Page  213 Woman in Hell; for let her be as old as Pauls; Bald, Blind, Toothless, Wrinckled, Decrepit: This is not long of her Age, shee'l tell you; but a Terrible Fit of sick∣ness last year, that fetch't off her Hair, and brought her so low, that she has not yet recover'd her flesh again. She lost her Eyes by a Hot Rheum: and utterly spoil'd her Teeth with Cracking of Peach-stones, and Eating of Sweet-meats, when she was a Maid. And when the Weight of her Years has almost brought both Ends together, 'Tis nothing shee'l tell ye but a Crick she has got in her Back: And though she might recover her Youth again, by confessing her Age, shee'l never acknowledge it.

My next encounter was, a Number of People making their mone, that they had been taken away by sudden Death. That's an Impudent Lye (cry'd a De∣vil) saving this Gentleman's presence) for no man dyes suddenly. Death sur∣prizes no man, but gives all men sufficient warning, and Notice. I was much taken with the Devil's Civility, and Dis∣course; which he pursu'd after this manner. Do ye complain (says He) of Page  214 sudden Death? that have carry'd Death about ye, ever since you were Born; That have been entertain'd with daily Spectacles of Carkasses and Funerals; That have heard so many Sermons upon the subject; and read so many good Books upon the Frailty of Life, and the Certainty of Death. Do ye not know that every Moment ye live, brings ye nearer to your End? Your Cloaths wear out; Your Woods, and your Houses decay; and yet ye look that your Bodies should be Immortal. What are the Common Acci∣dents and Diseases of Life, but so many warnings to provide your self for a Re∣move? Ye have Death at the Table, in your Daily Food, and Nourishment; for your Life is maintain'd by the Death of ther Creatures. And you have the ••vely picture of it, every Night for your Bedfellow. With what Face then can you Charge your Misfortunes upon sudden Death? that have spent your whole Life, both at Bed, and at Bord, among so many Remembrances of your Mortality. No, No; change your stile, and hereafter confess your selves to have been Care∣less and Incredulous. You Dye, tining Page  215 you are not to Dye yet; and forgetting that Death grows upon you, and goes along with ye from one End of your Life to the Other, without Distinguishing of Per∣sons, or Ages; Sex, or Quality: and whether it finds ye Well, or Ill-doing; As the Tree falls, so it Lies.

Turning toward my left Hand, I saw a great many Souls that were put up in Gally-pots, with Assa foetida, Gal∣banum, and a Company of Nasty Oyls that served them for Syrrup. What a Damn'd stink is here (Cry'd I, stopping my Nose) We are now come undoubt∣edly to the Devil's house of Office; No, No, (said their Tormenter) which was a kind of a Yellowish Complexion'd Devil) 'Tis a Confection of Apothecaries. A sort of people, that are commonly Damn'd for Compounding the Medici••• by which their Patients hope to be saved. To give them their due; These are your only True, and Chymical Philoso∣phers; and worth a thousand of Ray∣mund Lullius, Hermes, Geber, Ruspicella, Avicen, and their Fellows; 'Tis true, they have written fine things of the Transmutation of Mettals; but did they Page  216 ever make any Gold? Or if they did, We have lost the Secret. Whereas your Apothecaries, out of a Little Pud∣dle-water; a Bundle of Rotten sticks; a Box of Flies; Nay out of Toads, Vi∣pers, and a Sir Reverence it self, will fetch ye Gold ready Minted, and fit for the Market; which is more then all your Philosophical Projecters ever pre∣tended to. There is no Herb so Poyso∣nous, (let it be Hemlock) nor any stone so dry, (suppose the Pumice it self) but they'l draw silver out of it. And then for words, 'tis Impossible to make up any word out of the four and twenty Letters, but they'l shew ye a Drug, or a Plant of the Name; and turn the Alphabet into as good Money as any's in your Pocket. Ask them for an Eye-Tooth of a Flying Toad; they'l tell ye, yes, ye may have of it, in powder; Or if you had rather have the Infusion of a Tench of the Mountains, in a little Eeles Milk, 'tis all one to them. If there be but any Money stirring, you shall have what you will, though there be to such thing in Nature. S that it looks as if all he Plants, and stones of Page  217 the Creation, had their several powers and Vertues given them, only for the Apothecaries sakes; and as if Words themselves had been only made for their Advantage. Ye call them Apothe∣caries; but instead of That, I pray'e call them Armrrs; and their Shops, Arsenals; Are not their Medicines as Certain Death, as Swords, Daggers, or Musquets? while their Patients are Purg'd and Blouded into the other World, without any regard either to Distemper, Measure, or Season.

If you will now see the Pleasantest sight you have seen yet, walk up but these two steps, and you shall see a Iury (or Conspiracy) of Barber-Surgeons, sitting upon life and Death. You must think that any Divertisement there was welcome, so that I went up, and found it in Truth a very pleasant Spe∣ctacle. These Barbers were most of them Chain'd by the Middle; their Hans at Liberty; and Every one of them, a Cittern about his Neck; and upon his knees a Chess-board: and still as he reach't to have a Touch at the Citte••, the Instrument Vanish't; and Page  218 so did the Chess-board, when he thought to have a Game at Draughts; which is directly Tantalizing the poor Rogues, for a Cittern is as Natural to a Barber, as Milk to a Calf. Some of them were washing of Asses Brains, and putting them in again; and scouring of Negroes to make them White.

When I had laught my Fill at these fooleries, my next Discovery was, of a great many people, Grumbling and Muttering, that There was no Body look't after them; No not so much as to torment them; as if Their Tayls were not as well worth the Toasting, as their Neighbours. Answer was made, that being a kind of Devils them∣selves, they might put in for some sort of Authority in the Place, and Exe∣cute the Office of Tormenters. This made me ask what they were. And a Devil told me (with Respect) that they were a Company of Ungracious, Left-handed Wretches, that could do No∣thing aright. And their Grievance was that they were Quarter'd by Them∣selves; but not knowing whether they were Men or No; or indeed what else Page  219 to make of them, we did not know how to Match them, or in what Company to put them. In the world they are look't upon as Ill Omens; And let any man meet one of them, upon a Jour∣ney in a Morning, Fasting; 'tis the same thing as if a Hare had cross't the way upon him; He presently turns head in a Discontent, and goes to bed again. Ye know that Scaevola, when he found his Mistake, in killing Another, for Porsenna (the Secretary, for the Prince) burn't his Right-Hand in Revenge of the Miscarriage: Now the severity of the Vengeance, was not so much the Maiming or the Cripling of Himself, but the Condemning of himself to be for ever Left-handed. And so 'tis with a Malefactor that suffers Justice; The Shame, and Punishment, does not lye so much in the Loss of his Right-Hand, as that the other is Left. And it was the Curse of an old Bawd, to a fellow that had vex'd her, That He might go to the Devil by the stroke of a Left-handed Man. If the Poets speak Truth, (as 'twere a Wonder if they should not) The Left is the Vnlucky side; and there Page  220 never came any Good from it. And for my last argument against these Crea∣tures; The Goats, and Reprobates stand upon the Left-hand: And Left-handed men are, in Effect, a sort of Creature that's made to do Mischief; Nay whe∣ther I should all them Men, or no, I know not.

Hereupon, a Devil becken'd me to come softly to him; and so I did, with∣out a word speaking or the least Noise in the World. Now (says he) if you'l see the Daily Exercise of Ill-favour'd Women, look through that Lattice-Win∣dow. And there I saw such a Kennel of Vgly Bitches, you would have blest your self. Some, with their faces so poun∣ced, and speckled, as if they had been scarify'd, and newly past the Cupping-Glass; with a world of little Plaisters, long, round, square; and briefly, cut out into such Variety, that it would have posed a good Mathematician to have found out another Figure; And you would have sworn that they had been either at Cats-play, or Cuffs. Others, were scraping their faces with pieces of Glass; tearing up their Eye∣brows Page  221 by the Roots, like Mad: And some that had none to tear, were fetch∣ing out of their black Boxes, such as they could get, or make. Others were powd'ring, and curling their false Locks; or fast'ning their new Ivory Teeth, in the place of their old Ebony Ones. Some were Chewing Lemon-pill, or Cinamon, to countenance a foul Breath; And rai∣sing themselves upon their Ciopines, that their View might be the fairer, and their fall the Deeper. Others were quarrelling with their Looking-Glasses, for shewing them such Hags-faces: and cursing the state of Venice for Enter∣taining no Better workmen. Some were stuffing out their Bodies, like Pack-sad∣dles, to cover secret Deformities: And some again had so many Hoods over their faces, to conceal the Ruines, that I could hardly discern what they were; And These past for Penitents. Others, with their pots of Hogs Grease, and Po∣matum, were sleeking, and polishing their faces, and indeed their fore-heads were bright, and shining, though there were neither Suns, nor Stars in That Firma∣ment: Some there were (in Fine) that Page  222 would have fetch't a man's Guts up at's mouth, to see them with their Masques of After-Births; and with their Men∣struous Slibber Slobbers, dawbing one another to take away the Heats, and Bubos. Nasty and Abominable! I cry'd. Well (quoth the Devil) you see now how far a Woman's Wit, and Invention will carry her to her own Destruction. I could not speak one word for Asto∣nishment at so horrid a spectacle; till I had a little recollected my self: and then (said I) If I may deal freely with∣out Offence; I dare Defy all the De∣vils in Hell, to out-do these Women. But pray'e let's be gone, for the sight of them, makes my very Heart ake.

Turn about then, (said the Devil) and there was a fellow sitting in a Chair, all alone; never a Devil near him; No Fire, or Frost; No Heat, or Cold; or any thing else; that I could perceive, to torment him; and yet crying and Roar∣ing out the most hideously of any thing I had yet heard in Hell: Tearing his Flesh; and Beating his Body, like a Bedlam; and his Heart, all the while, Bleeding at his Eyes. Good Lord, Page  223 thought I, what ails this Wretch, to yell out thus when no Body Hurts him▪ So I went up to Him; Friend (said I) what's the meaning of all this Fury, and Transport? for, so far as I can see, there's nothing to trouble you. No, No, (says he with a Horrid Out-cry, and with all the Extravagances of a Man in Rage, and Despair) you do not see my Tormentors; but the all-searching Eye of the Almighty, sees my Pains, as well as my Transgressions; and with a severe, and Implacable Iustice, has condemn'd me to suffer Punishments answerable to my Crimes. (Which Words He utter'd with redoubled Clamours) My Exe∣cutioners are in my Soul, and all the Plagues of Hell in my Conscience. My Memory serves me instead of a Cruel Devil. The Remembrance of the Good I should have done, and Omitted; And of the Ill, I should not have done, and did. The Remembrance of the wholesome Counsels I have rejected, and of the Ill example I have given. And for the Ag∣gravation of my Misery; where my Me∣mory leaves afflicting me, my Under∣standing begins: shewing me the Glo∣ries, Page  224 and Beatitudes I have lost, which others enjoy, who have gain'd Heaven, with less Anxiety, and Pain then I have endur'd, to compass my Damnation. Now am I perpetually meditating on the Comforts, Beauties, Felicities, and Rap∣tures of Paradise, only to enflame, and exasperate my Despair in Hell: begging in Vain, but for one moments Interval of Ease, without obtaining any; for my Will is also as Inexorable, as either my Memory, or my Understanding. And These (my Friend of the other world) are the Three Faculties of my Soul, which Divine Iustice, for my Sins, has conver∣ted into three Tormentors, that Torture me without Noise; Into Three Flames, that burn me without consuming. And if I chance at any time to have the least Remission, or Respite; The Worm of my Conscience gnaws my Soul, and finds it, to an Insatiable Hunger, an Immortal Aliment, and Entertainment. At that word, turning towards me with a Hel∣lish Yell; Mortal (says he) learn, and be assur'd from me, that all those that either bury or misemploy their Talents, arry a Hell within Themselves, and are Page  225 Damn'd even above ground; and so He return'd to his Usual Clamours. Upon this, I left him, miserably sad and pen∣sive. Well, thought I, what a weight of sin lyes upon this Creatures Conscience! Whereupon the Devil observing me in a Muse, told me in my Ear, that this Fellow had been an Atheist, and believ'd neither God, nor Devil. Deliver me then, said I, from that Vnsanctify'd Wis∣dom, that serves us only for our fur∣ther Condemnation.

I was gone but a step or two aside, and I saw a world of people running after Burning Chariots, with a great ma∣ny Souls in them, and the Devils tear∣ing them with Pincers: and before them, march't Certain Officers, making Proclamation of their Sentence, which with much ado I got near enough to hear, and it was to this effect. Divine Iustice hath appointed this Punishment to the Scandalous, for giving Ill Examples to their Neighbours. And at the same time, several of the Damn'd laid their sins to their Charge, and cry'd out, that 'twas long of Them they were thus Tor∣mented. So that the Scandalous were Page  226 punish't both for their own Sins, and for the Offences of those they had misled to their Destruction. And these are they of whom 'tis said, that They had better ne∣ver have been born.

My very Soul was full of Anguish, to see so many Doleful Spectacles; and yet I could not but smile, to see the Vintners every where up and down Hell, as free, as if they had been in their Taverns, and only Pris'ners upon Parole. I ask't how they came by that Privilege; and a Devil told me, there was no need of shackling them, or so much as shutting them up; for there was no fear of their making a 'scape, that took so much pains in the World, and made it their whole Business to come thither. Only, says he; if we can keep them from throwing Water in the Fire, as they do in their Wines, we are well Enough. But if you would see somewhat worth the while, leave these fellows, and follow me; and I'le shew ye Iudas and his Brethren, the Stew∣ards, and Purse-bearers: so I did as he bad me, and he brought me to Iudas, and his Companions, who had no Faces,Page  227 divers of them, and most of them no Foreheads.

I was well enough pleas'd to see him, and to be better inform'd; for I had ever Phansy'd him to be a kind of an Olive-colour'd Tawny Complexion'd fel∣low, without a Beard; and an Eunuch into the Bargain: which perhaps (nay probably) He was; for nothing but a Capon, a Thing un-man'd, could ever have been guilty of so sordid, and Treacherous a Villany, as to sell, and betray his Master, with a Kiss; and af∣ter That, so Cowardly, as to hang him∣self in Despair, when he had done. I do believe, however, what the Church says of him: That He had a Carrot Beard, and a Red Head; but it may be his Beard was burn't, and as he ap∣pear'd to me in Hell, I could not but take him for an Eunuch, which to deal freely, is my Opinion of all the De∣vils, for they have no Hair; and they are for the most pat all wrinkled, and Baker-legg'd.

Iudas was beset with a Great many Money-Mongers, and Purse-bearers, that were telling him stories of the pranks Page  228 they had play'd, and the Tricks they had put upon their Masters, after his Example. Coming up to them, I per∣ceiv'd that their Punishment was like that of Titius, who had a Vultur con∣tinually gnawing upon his Liver; for there were a Number of Ravenous Birds perpetually preying upon them, and tearing off their Flesh; which grew again as fast as they devour'd it; a De∣vil in the mean time crying out, and the Damn'd filling the whole place with Clamour and Horrour; Iudas, with his Purse, and his Pot by his side, bearing a large part in the Out-cry, and Torment. I had a huge mind (me thought,) to have a word or two with Iudas; and so I went to him with this Greeting: Thou Perfidious, Impudent, Impious Traytor, (said I) to sell thy Lord and Master at so base a Price, like an Avarici∣ous Rascal. If men, (said he) were not ungrateful, they would rather pity, or Commend me, for an Action so much to their Advantage, and done in Order to their Redemption. The Misery is Mine that am to have no part my self, in the Benefit I have procured to others. Page  229 Some Heretiques there are, (I must con∣fess to my Comfort) that adore me for't. But do you take me for the only Iudas? No, No. There have been many since the Death of my Master, and there are at this Day, more wicked, and ungrateful, Ten thousand times then my self; that buy the Lord of Life, as well as sell him, scourging and Cru∣cifying him daily with more Spite, and Ignominy then the Iews. The Truth is, I had an Itch to be fingering of Money, and Bartering, from my Entrance into the Apostleship. I began, you know, with the Pot of Oyntment, which I would fain have sold, under colour of a Relief to the Poor. And I went on▪ to the selling of my Master, wherein I did the World a greater good then I in∣tended, to my own irreparable ruine. My Repentance, now signifies Nothing. To conclude, I am the only Steward that's condemn'd for Selling; All the rest are damn'd for Buying: And I must entreat you, to have a better Opinion of me; for if you'l look but a little lower here, you'l find people a Thou∣sand times worse then my self. With∣draw Page  230 draw then (said I) for I have had talk enough with Iudas.

I went down then, some few steps, as Iudas directed me; and There, I saw a world of Devils upon the March, with Rods, and Stirrup-leathers in their Hands, lashing a Company of handsome Lasses, stark naked, and driving them out of Hell (which me thought was pity, and if I had had some of them in a Corner, I should have treated them better) With the Stirrup-Leathers, they disciplin'd a Litter of Bawds. I could not Imagine why These; of all others, should be expell'd the place, and ask't the Question. Oh, says a Devil, These are our Factresses in the world, and the best we have, so that we send them back again to bring more Grist to the Mill: And indeed, if it were not for Women, Hell would be but thinly peopled; for what with the Art, the Beauty, and the Allurements of the Young Wenches; and the Sage Advice and Counsel of the Bawds, they do us very great services. Nay; for fear any of our Good Friends should tire upon the Rode, they send them to us on Horse-back, or bring Page  233 them themselves, e'en to the very Gates, lest they should miss their way.

Pursuing my journey, I saw, a good way before me, a large Building, that lookt (me thought) like some Enchant∣ed Castle, or the Picture of Ill-Luck: It was all ruinous, the Chimneys down, the Planchers all to pieces, only the Bars of the Windows standing: The Doors all bedaw'd with dirt, and patcht up with Barrel-Heads, where they had been broken. The Glass gone, and here and there a Quarrel supply'd with Paper. I made no doubt at first but the house was forsaken; but coming nearer, I found it otherwise, by a horrible confusion of tongues and noises within it. As I came just up to the Door; one open'd it, and I saw in the house many Devils, Thieves, and Whores. One of the craftiest Jades in the Pack, placed her self presently upon the Threshold, and made her address to my Guide and me. Gentle∣men, says she, how comes it to pass, I pray'e, that people are damn'd both for giving and taking? The Thief is con∣demn'd for taking away from another; and we are condemn'd for giving what Page  [unnumbered] is our own. I do not find, truly, any injustice in our Trade; and if it be lawful to give every one their own, and out of their own; why are we con∣demn'd? We found it a nice point, and sent the Wench to Counsel learned in the Law, for a resolution in the Case. Her mentioning of Thieves made me inquire after the Scriveners and Notaries. Is it possible (said I) that you should have none of them here? for I do not re∣member that I have seen so much as one of them upon the way; and yet I had occasion for a Scrivener, and made a search for one. I do believe indeed (quoth the Devil) that you have not found any of them upon the Road. How then? (said I) what, are they all sav'd? No, no (cry'd the Devil) but you must understand, that they do not foot it hither, as other mortals; but come upon the Wing, in Troops like Wild-geese; so that 'tis no wonder you see none of them upon the way. We have millions of them, but they cut it away in a trice, for they are damn'dly rank-wing'd, and will make a flight, in the third part of a minute, betwixt Page  233Earth and Hell. But if there be so ma∣ny (said I) how comes it we see none of them? For that (quoth the Devil) we change their names, when they come hither once, and call them no longer Notaries or Scriveners, but Cats: and they are so good mousers, that though this place is large, old, and ruinous; yet you see not so much as a Rat or a mouse in Hell: how full soever of all other sorts of Vermine. Now ye talk of Ver∣mine (said I) are there any Catchpoles here? No not one (says he.) How so (quoth I?) when I dare undertake there are five hundred Rogues of the Trade for one that's ought. The Rea∣son is (says the Devil) that every Catch∣pole upon Earth, carries a Hell in's Bo∣som. You have still (said I, crossing my self) an aking tooth at those poor Var∣lets. Why not (cry'd he) for they are but Devils incarnate, and so damn'dly verst in the art of tormenting, that we live in continual dread of losing our pla∣ces, and that his Infernal Majesty should take these Rascals into his Service.

I had enough of this, and travelling on, I saw a little way off, a great enclo∣sure, Page  234 and a world of Souls shut up in't; some of them weeping and lamenting without measure, others in a profound silence. And this I understood to be the Lovers Quarter. It sadn'd me to consider, that Death it self could not kill the lamentations of Lovers. Some of them were discoursing their passions, and teizing themselves with fears and jelousies; casting all their miseries up∣on their appetites and phansies, that still made the Picture infinitely fairer than the Person. They were for the most part troubled with a simple disease, call'd (as the Devil told me) I Thought. I askt him what that was, and he an∣swer'd me, it was a Punishment suita∣ble to their Offence: for your Lovers, when they fall short of their Expecta∣tions, either in the pursuit, or enjoy∣ment of their Mistresses, they are wont to say, Alas! I Thought she would have lov'd me: I Thought she would never have prest me to marry her: I Thought she would have been a Fortune to me: I Thought she would have given me all she had: I Thought she would have cost me nothing: I Thought she would have Page  235 askt me nothing: I Thought she would have been true to my Bed: I Thought she would have bin dutiful and modest: I Thought she would never have kept her Gallant. So that all their Pain and damnation comes from I thought This or That, or So, or So.

In the middle of them was Cupid, a little beggarly Rogue, and as naked as he was born, only here and there co∣ver'd with an odd kind of Embroidery; but whether it was the workmanship of the Itch, Pox, or Measles, I could not perfectly discover; and lose by him was this Inscription.

Many a good Fortune goes to wrack;
And so does many an able bck;
With following Whores, & Cards & Dice▪
We're Pox'd and beggar'd in atrice.

A ha! (said I) by these Rimes me∣thinks the Poets should not be far off; and the word was hardly out of my mouth, when I discovered millions of them through a Park-Pale, and so I stopt to look upn them. (It s••ms in Hll they are not call'd Poets now, but Page  236Fools) One of them shew'd me the Women's Quarter there hard by, and askt me what I thought of it, and of the handsome Ladies in it. Is it not true (says he) that a Buxome Lass is a kind of half-Chambermaid to a man? when she has stript him and brought him to Bed, she has done her business, and never troubles her self any further a∣bout the helping him up again, and dressing him. How now (said I?) have ye your Quirks and Conceipts in Hell? In troth ye are pleasant: I thought your edge had been taken off. With that, out stept the most miserable Wretch of the whole Company laden with Irons: Ah! (quoth he) I would to God the first Inventer of Rimes and Poetry were here in my Place, and then he went on with this following and sad Complaint.

A Complaint of the Poets in Hell:

Oh, this damn'd trade of Versifying
Has brought us all to Hell for lying
For writing what we do not think,
Meerly to make the Verse cry clink.
Page  237For rather than abuse the meeter,
Black shall be white, Paul shall be Peter.
One time I call'd a Lady, Whore;
Which in my Soul she was no more
Than I am; a brave Lass, no Beggar,
And true, as ever man laid leg o're.
Not out of malice, Iove's my witness,
But meerly for the Verses fitness.
Now we're all made, said I, if luck hold,
And then I call'd a fellow Cuckold;
Though the Wife was (or I'll be hang'd)
As good a Wench as ever twang'd.
I was once plaguely put to't;
This would not hit, that would not do't;
At last, I circumcis'd ('tis true)
A Christian, and baptiz'd a Iew.
Nay I've made Herod Innocent
For Riming to Long-Parliament:
Now to conclude, we are all damn'd ho,
For nothing but a game at Crambo.
And for a little jingling pleasure,
Condemn'd to Torments without mea∣sure:
Which is a little hard in my sense,
To fry thus for Poetick Licence.
'Tis not for sin of Thought or Deed,
But for bare sounds, and words we bleed:
Page  238While the Cur Cerberus lies growling
In consort with our catterwowling.

So soon as he had done; There is not in the world (said I) a more ridiculous phrensie, than yours, to be poetizing in Hell. The humour sticks close sure, or the fire would have fetcht it out. Nay (cry'd a Devil) these Versifiers are a strange Generation of Buffons. The time that others spend in Tears and Groans for their sins and follies; these Wretches employ in Songs and Madri∣gals; and if they chance to light upon the critical minute, and get a snap at a Lady, all's worth nothing, unless the whole Kingdom ring of it, in some mi∣serable Sing-song or other, under the name forsooth of Phillis, Chloris, Sylvia, or the like: and the goodly Idol must be deckt and drest up with Diamond, Pearl, Rubies, Musque, and Amber, and both the Indies are too little to furnish Eyes, Lips, and Teeth for this Imaginary Goddess. And yet after all this magni∣ficence and bounty, it would put the poor Devil's credit upon the stretch, to take up an Old Petty-coat in Long-Lane,Page  239 or a pair of Cast-shooes, at the next Coblers. Beside; we can give no Account either of their Countrey, or Religion. They have Christian Names, but most Heretical Souls; They are Arabians in their Hearts: and in their Language, Gentiles; but to say the Truth, they fall short of the right Pa∣gans in their Manners. If I stay here a little longer, (said I to my self) This spiteful Devil will hit me over the Thumbs e're I'm aware; for I was half Jealous, that he took me already for a piece of a Poet.

For fear of being Discover'd, I went my way, and my Next Visit was to the Impertinent Devotes; whose very Pray∣ers are made up of Impiety, and Extra∣vagance. Oh! what Sighing was there, and Sobbing! Groning, and Whining! Their Tongues were ty'd up to a perpe∣tual Silence; Their Souls, Drooping; and their Ears condemn'd to hear eternally the hideous cryes and Reproaches of a wheasing Devil, greeting them after this manner. Oh, Ye Impudent and Profane Abusers of Prayer, and Holy Duties! that treat the Lord of Heaven Page  240 and Earth, in His own house, with le•• respect then ye would do a Merchant upon the Change, sneaking into a Cor∣ner with your Execrable Petitions, for fear of being over-heard by your Neighbours; and yet without any scru∣ple at all, ye can Expose, and offer them up to that Eternal Purity! shameless Wretches that ye are! Lord, (says one) take the Old man, my Father, to thy self, I beseech Thee, that I may have his Office and Estate. Oh, that this Vncle of mine would but march off! There's a Fat Bishoprick, and a good Deanery; I would the Devil had the Incumbent so I had the Dignity. Now for a lusty Pot of Guinneys, or a Lucky hand at Dice if it be thy pleasure, and then I would not doubt of good Matches for my Chil∣dren. Lord, make me His Majesties Fa∣vourite and Thy Servant; that I may get what's Convenient, and keep what I have gotten. Grant me This, and I do here engage my self, to entertain six Blew-Coats, and Bind them out to good Trades; to set up a Lecture for every day of the Week; to give one Third part of my clear gains to Charitable Vses; and Page  241 another, toward the Repairing of Pauls; and to pay all honest Debts, so far as may stand with my Private Convenience. Blind and Ridiculous Madness! for Dust and Ashes thus to reason and Con∣dition with the Almighty! for Beggars to talk of Giving, and obtrude their Vain and unprofitable Offerings upon the Inexhaustible fountain of Riches and Bounty! To Pray for Those things as Blessings, which are commonly showr'd down upon us for our Confu∣sion and Punishment. And then in Case your Wishes take effect; what becomes of all the Sacred Vows and Promises ye made, in storms, (perhaps) Sickness, or Adversity? so soon as ye have gain'd your Port, recover'd your Health; or Patch'd up a Broken Fortune, you shew your selves, all of ye, a pack of Cheats; Your Vows, and Promises are not worth so many Rushes: They are forgotten with your Dreams; and to keep a Promise upon Devotion, that you made out of Necessity, is no Article of your Religion. Why do ye not ask for Peace of Conscience? Encrease of Grace? The Aid of the Blessed Spirit?Page  242 But you are too much taken up with the Things of this World, to attend those spiritual Advantages and Trea∣sures; and to consider, that the most acceptable Sacrifices and Oblations you can make to the Almighty, are Pu∣rity of Mind, an humble Spirit, and a Fervent Charity. The Almighty takes delight to be often call'd upon, that He may often pour down his Blessings upon his Peitioners. But such is the Corrup∣tion of Humane Nature, that Men sel∣dom think of him, unless under af∣fliction; and therefore it is, that they are often Visited; for by Adversity, they are brought to the Knowledg, and Exercise of their Duty. I would now have you consider, how little Reason there is in your Ordinary Demands. Put Case you have your Asking; what are you the better for the Grant? since it fails you at last; because you did not ask aright. When you die, your Estate goes to your Children; and for their parts, you are scarce cold, before you are forgotten. You are not to expect they should bestow much upon Works of Charity; for if nothing went that Page  243 way while you were living: They'l live after your Example when you are Dead. And beside; there's no Merit in the Case. At this word some of the poor Creatures were about to Reply; but the Devils had put Barnacles upon their Lips, that Hindred them.

From thence, I went to the Witches and Wizards; such as pretend to cure Man and Beast by Charms, Words, A∣mulets, Characters: and These were all burning alive. These (says a Devil) are a Company of Cousening Rogues; the most accursed Villains in Nature. If they help one man, they kill another, and only remove the Disease from a worse to a Better: And yet there's no great Clamour against them neither; for if the Patient recover, hee's well enough content, and the Doctor Gets both Reputation and Reward for his Pains. If He dyes, his mouth is stop't, and forty to one the next Heir does him a good turn for the Dispatch. So that, Hit, or Miss; All is well at last. If you enter into a Debate with them about their Remedies, They'll tell you, they learn't the Mystery of a certain Iew; and Page  244 There's the Original of the Secret. Now to hear these Quacks give you the History of their Cures, is beyond all the Playes and Farces in the World. You shall have a fellow tell you of fifteen people that were run clean through the Body, and glad for a matter of three dayes to carry their Puddings in their Hands; that in four and twenty hours he made them as whole as Fishes, and no so much as a Scar for a Remem∣brance of the Orifice. Ask him, when and where? you'l find it some Twelve Hundred Leagues off, in a Terra Incog∣ita, by the Token, that at that time he was Physician in Ordinary to a great Prince that dy'd about five and twenty years ago.

Come, Come; (Cry'd a Devil) make an End of this Visit, and you shall see those now, that Iudas told you were ten times Worse then himself. I went along with him, and he brought me to a Pas∣sage into a great Hall, where there was a Damn'd smell of Brimstone, and a Company of Match-makers, as I thought at first; but they prov'd afterward to be Alchymists, and the Devils examining Page  245 them upon Interrogatories, who were filthily put to't, to understand their Gibbrish. Their Talk was much of the Planetary Mettals; Gold they call'd Sol; Silver, Luna; Tin, Iupiter; Copper, Ve∣nus. They had about them, their For∣naces, Crucibles, Coal, Bellows, Clay, Mi∣nerals, Dung, Man's Bloud, Powders, and Alimbecks. Some were Calcining; O∣thers Washing; Here Purifying; There Separating. Fixing what was Volatile, in one place; and Rarifying what was Fix in another. Some were upon the Work of Transmutation, and Fixing of Mercury with Monstrous Hammers, upon an Anvile. And after they had resolv'd the Viscous matter, and sent out the subtler parts, that they came to the Coppel, All went away in Fume. Some again were in a hot dispute, What Fuel was best; and whether Raymund Lul∣lius his Fire, and no Fire, could be any thing else then Lime; or otherwise to be understood of the Light Effective of Heat, and not of the Effective Heat of Fire. Others were making their En∣trance upon the Great Work, after the Hermetical Method. Here they were Page  246 watching the Progress of their Opera∣tions, and making their Observations upon Proportions, and Colour. While all the rest of these blind Oracles lay waiting for the Recovery of the Ma∣teria Prima: till they brought them∣selves to the last Cast both of their Lives and Fortunes: and instead of turning Base Mettals and Materials into Gold, as they pretended; they made the Contrary Inversion, and were glad at length to take up with Beggarly Fools, and False Coiners. What a stir was there, with crying out, ever and anon! Look ye, Look ye! The old Father is got up again; Down with him, Down with him; What Glossing, and Commenting upon the od Chymical Text, that says; Blessed be Heaven, That has order'd the most Excel∣lent thing in Nature out of the Vilest. If so, (quoth one) let's try, if we can fetch the Philosophers Stone out of a Common Strumpet, which is of all Crea∣tures undoubtedly the Vilest. And the Word was no sooner out, but a matter 〈◊〉 Three and Twenty Whores went to Pot, but the Flesh was so Cursedly Mawmish and Rotten, that they soon Page  247 gave over the Thought of that Pro∣jection. And then they entred upon a fresh Consultation, and concluded, Ne∣mine Contradicente, that the Mathema∣ticians, by that rule, were the only fit matter to work upon; as being most damnably dry, (to say nothing of their Divisions, among, and against them∣selves) so that with one Voice, they call'd for a parcel of Mathematicians, to the Fornace, to begin the Experi∣ment. But a Devil came in just in the God-speed, and told them; Gentlemen Philosophers, (says he) if you would know the Wretched'st, and most con∣temptible thing in the World; It is an Alchymist: and we are of Opinion, that you'l make as Good Philosopher's stones, as the Mathematicians. However, for Curiosity's sake, wee'l try for Once; and so he threw them all together into a great Caldron; and to say the Truth, the poor Snakes suffer'd very conten∣tedly; out of a desire I suppose, to help on toward the perfecting of the Ope∣ration.

On the other side, wee a Knot of Astrologers, and one among the rest that Page  248 had study'd Chiromancy or Palmestry; who took all the Damn'd by the Hands, one after another. One he told, that it was as plain as the Nose on his Face, that he was to go to the Devil, for he perceiv'd it by the Mount of Saturn. You (says he to another) have been a Swindging Whore-master in your Days; I see that by the Mount of Venus here, and by her Girdle; and in short; every Man's Destiny he read in his Fist. Af∣ter him advanced another, Creeping upon all four; with a pair of Compasses betwixt his Teeth; his Spheres and Globes about him; his Iacob's staffe before him; and his Eyes upon the Stars, as if he were taking a Height, or making an Observation. When he had gazed a while, up he starts of a sud∣den, and wringing his Hands, Good Lord (says he) What an Vnlucky Dog was I! If I had come into the World, but one half quarter of an hour sooner, I had been sav'd; for Just then Saturn shifted, and Mars was lodg'd in the house of Life. One that follow'd him, bad his Tormentors be sure he was Dead, for (says he) I am a little doubtful of Page  249 it my self; in regard that I had Iupiter for my Ascendent, and Venus in the House of Life, and no Malevolent Aspect to cross me. So that by the Rules of Astro∣logy, I was to live, precisely, a hundred years and one; Two Months, Six days, four Hours, and Three Minutes. The next that came up was a Geomancer; one that reduced all his Skill to Certain little points, and by them would tell you, as well things past, as to come: These points he bestow'd at a Venture, among several unequal lines; some long, others shorter, like the Fingers of a Man's Hand; and then with a certain Ribble-Rabble of Mysterious Words, he proceeds to his Calculation, upon Even, or Odd, and challenges the whole world to allow him the most learned, and In∣fallible of the Trade.

There were Divers great Masters of the Science that follow'd him. As Haly, Gerard, Bart'lemew of Parma, and one Toudin; a familiar Friend, and Com∣panion of the Great Cornelius Agrippa, the famous Conjurer: who though he had but one Soul, was yet burning in four Bodies. (I mean the four Damnable Page  250 Books he left behind him.) There was Trithemius too, with his Polygraphy, and Stenography: that had Devils now, his Belly full, though in his Life time his Complaint was, that He could never have enough of their Company: Over against him was Cardan; but they could not set their horses together, be∣cause of an old Quarrel; whether was the more Impudent of the Two. And there I saw Misaldus, tearing his Beard, in Rage, to find himself Pumpt dry; and that he could not fool on, to the End of the Chapter. Theophrastus was there too, bewailing himself for the Time he had spent at the Alchymists Bellows. There was also the Unknown Author of Clavicula Solomonis, and The Hundred Kings of Spirits; with the Composer of the Book, Adversus Omnia pericula Mundi. Taysnerus too, with his Book of Physiognomy, and Chi∣romancy; and He was doubly punish't, first for the Fool he was; and then for those he had made▪ Though to give the Man his Due, He knew himself to be a Cheat, and that he that gives a Judg∣ment upon the Lines of a Face, takes Page  251 but a very uncertain aim. There were Magicians, Necromancers, Sorcerers, and Enchanters innumerable, beside divers private Boxes that were kept for Lords and Ladies; and other Personages of great quality, that put their trust in these Disciples of the Devil, and go to Strand-Bridge or Billeter-Lane, for reso∣lution in cases of Death, Love, or Mar∣riage, and now and then to recover a Gold Watch or a Pearl Neck-lace.

Not far from these, were a company of handsome Women, that were tor∣mented in the quality of Witches; which griev'd my very heart to see it: but to comfort me, What? (says a De∣vil) Have you so soon forgot the rogue∣ry of these Carrions? Have you not had tryal enough yet of them? they are the very poyson of life, and the on∣ly dangerous Magicians that corrupt all our senses, and disturb the faculties of your soul; these are they that cousen your Eyes with false appearances, and set up your wills in opposition to your Vn∣derstanding and Reason. 'Tis right, said I, and now you mind me of it, I do very well remember, that I have found Page  252 them so; but let's go on and see the rest.

I was scarce gone three steps further, but I was got into so hideous a dark place, that it was e'en a mercy we knew where we were. There was first at the entrance, Divine Iustice, which was most dreadful to behold; and a little beyond stood Vice, with a countenance of the highest pride and insolence ima∣ginable: There was Ingratitude, Ma∣lice, Ignorance, obstinate and incorrigi∣ble Infidelity, brutish and head-strong Dis∣obedience, rash and imperious Blasphemy, with Garments dipt in bloud, Eyes spark∣ling, and a hundred pair of Chops, barking at Providence, and vomiting rage and poyson. I went in (I confess) with fear and trembling) and there I saw all the Sects of Idolaters and Hereticks, that ever yet appeared upon the stage of the Universe: And at their feet, in a glori∣ous array, was lascivious Barbara, second Wife to the Emperor Sigismund, and the Queen of Harlots: One that agreed with Messalina in This, that Virginity was both a burden and a folly; and that in her whole life she was never either Page  253wearied or satisfy'd; but herein she went beyond her; in that she held the mortality as well of the Soul as of the Body; but she was now better instru∣cted, and burnt like a bundle of Matches.

Passing forward still, I spy'd a fellow in a corner, all alone, with the flames about his ears, gnashing his teeth, and blaspheming through fury and despair. I askt him what he was, and he told me he was Mahomet. Why then (said I) thou art the damn'dest Reprobate in Hell, and hast brought more Wretches hither than half the World beside: and Lucifer has done well to allot thee a Quarter here by thy self, for certainly thou hast well deserv'd the first place in his Dominions. But since every man chuses to talk of what he loves, I prethee good Imposter tell me, What's the reason that thou hast forbidden Wine to all thy Disciples? Oh (says he) I have made them so drunk with my Alchoran they need no Tipple. But why hast thou forbidden them Swines-flesh too (said I?) because (says he) I would not affront the Iambon; for Water up∣on Page  254Gammon, would be false Heraldry. And beside I never lov'd my people well enough to afford them the plea∣sure, either of the Grape or the Spare-Rib. Nay, and for fear they should chance to grope out the way to Heaven, I have establisht my power and my Do∣minion by force of Arms; without subjecting my Laws to idle disputes and discourses of reason. Indeed there is lit∣tle of Reason in my Precepts, and I would have as little in their obedience. A world of Disciples I have, but I think they follow me more out of appetite than Religion, or for the miracles I work. I allow them Liberty of Conscience; they have as many Women as they please, and do what they list, provided they meddle not with the Government. But look about ye now, and you'l find that there are more Knaves than Mahomet.

I did so, and found my self presently surrounded with a Ring of Hereticks, and their Adherents; many of which were ready to tear out the Throats of their Leaders. One among the rest was beset with a brace of Devils, and either of them a pair of Bellows, puffing into Page  255 each ear Fire instead of Air, which made him a little hot-headed. There was ano∣ther, that; as I was told, was a kind of a Symoniac, and had taken up his seat in a Pestilential Chair; but it was so dark I could not well discern whether it was a Pope or a Presbyter.

By this time I had enough of Hell, and began to wish my self out again; but as I was looking about for a Re∣treat, I stumbled upon a Long Gallery before I was aware: and there I saw Lucifer himself with all his Nobility a∣bout him, male and female. (For let marry'd men say their pleasure, there are she-Devils too) I should have been at a damn'd loss what to do, or how to be∣have my self among so many strange faces, if one of the Vshers had not come to me, and told me, that being a stranger, it was his Majesties pleasure, I should enter and have free liberty of seeing what was there to be seen. We exchang'd a couple or two of Comple∣ments, and then I began to look about me, but never did I see a Palace so fur∣nisht, nor indeed comparable to it.

Our Furniture at the best is but a Page  256 choice collection of dead and dumb Sta∣tues, or paintings without life, sense, or motion: But there, all the pieces were animated, and no trash in the whole Inventory. There was hardly any thing to be seen, but Emperors and Princes, with some few (perhaps) of their choicest Nobility and Privados. The first Banque was taken up by the Otto∣man Family; and after them sate the Roman Emperors, in their order; and the Roman Kings down to Tarquin the proud; beside Highnesses and Graces, Lords Spiritual and Temporal innumera∣ble. My Lungs began now to call for a little fresh air, and I desired my Guide to shew me the way out again. Yes, yes, with all my heart (says he) follow me then: And so he carry'd me away by a back passage into Lucifer's House of Of∣fice, where there was I know not how many Tun of S r Reverence, and Bales of flattering Panegyricks, not to be num∣ber'd; all of them Licens'd, and En∣ter'd according to Order. I could not but smile at this provision of Tail-Tim∣ber, and my Guide took notice of it; who was a good kind of a damn'd Droll. But Page  257 I call'd still to be gone, and at length he led me to a little hole like the vent of a Vault, and I crept through it as nimbly as if the Devil himself had gi∣ven me a lift at the Crupper; when to my great wonder, I found my self in the Park again, where I begun my story: not without an odd medly of Passions, partly reflecting upon what others en∣dur'd, and in part, upon my own con∣dition of ease and happiness, that had deserv'd, perhaps, the contrary as well as they. This thought put me upon a resolution of leading such a course of life, for the future, that I might not come to feel these torments in Reality, which I had now only seen in Vision.

And I must here entreat the Reader to follow my example, without making any further experiment; and likewise not to cast an ill construction upon a fair meaning. My design is to discredit, and discountenance the works of darkness, without scandalizing of Persons; and since I speak only of the damn'd, I'm sure no honest man alive will reckon this discourse a Satyre.

The end of the sixth Vision.