The Quakers art of courtship, or, The Yea-and-nay academy of complements calculated for the meridian of the Bull-and-Mouth and may indifferently serve the brethren of the wind-mill order for noddification in any part of will-a-wisp land / by the author of Teagueland jests.

CHAP. III. (Book 3)

Certain Examples of friendly Greetings towards Great Men.

ABOUT the Year 1667, certain She-Friends took an occasion to pass a Complement on the then Pope Alexander the Seventh. They followed the Light, or the Will-with-a-Wisp that I told thee of, until they came to the City of Rome: In their Passage they travelled through the French Army, then on the Borders of Flan∣ders (though I cannot remember that they left any sign of their Light behind them) but they pursued their Course through di∣vers Regions and Principalities until they arrived at the Apostolical See; there, after many days Seeking and Attendance (ha∣ving declared unto divers, that they had a particular Message to the Man called the Pope) at length they were admitted into the Palace; whereupon (like true Friends) they began to open, saluting his Holiness by the Names of the Man of Sin, Whore of Babylon, The Scarlet Whore sitting on a Beast with Seven Heads, with many other Apocalyptick Greetings, which the Holy

Father thought very improperly applied to him; at length the good Father de∣manded of them, What Profession they were of? They told him that they were Friends of the Light, whom the Carnal abusiveely called Quakers; and that they had come from far on purpose to pass those Complements, and to pour their Vials on the Seat of the Beast, with abun∣dance more of their quaking Rhetorick, and figurative Nonsence. At length the good Man began to apprehend they might be troubled with some sort of Hypocon∣driack Distemper, much like that which haunts Oliver's Porter, and his House∣mates, on the South-side of Moorefields; whereof the Witty Hudibrass Sings:

As Wind in th' Hypocondria pent, Is but a F—t, if downward sent; But if it upward chance to fly, Turns to New Light and Prophesy.

So they were compassionately delivered over to the care of divers able Physicians, who having prescribed them frequent Bleedings, and a mortifying Diet for a considerable time, our Females at last be∣gun to feel an Inclination to return to their

Native Country, whither they were dis∣miss'd, having left much of their Disease behind them, but bringing back much more Light than they carried out; for they returned not only with light Heads, light Purses, light Bodies; but not a little Light-hearted that they had escaped the Disci∣pline of the Doctors.

Where are there now amongst any other sort of People but we of the Yea-and-Nay Tribe, any whose Civility shall lead them through so many hazards and dangers of losing their Light to pass a Complement upon a Stranger? Where are there, I say, amongst the Wicked and Carnal any that are buoy'd up to such a height of Courage, and seared with such a friendly hardness, to carry them through such an Adventure as this? Nay, nay, it is not to be expected that their Lights should last them half the way, especially meeting with so many puffs and count••e-puffs as Friends met withal. But you must know that all this while Friends carried their Light in a dark Lanthorn, with the Box so close shut upon it, that none could possibly discern it; and was not this a Politick as well as a Courtly trick of the She-Friends, Judge thee?

Another Relation touching the Courtship of Friends.

In the Days of Oliver (when prefer∣ment went by Merit, and Friends were made Just-Asses, and the Brethren of the Light enstrusted with the Staff of Autho∣rity) when Friends of the Enthusiastick Order saw Plots in the Air by way of Vi∣sion; and the Revelation of a Conspiracy was enough to Chop off the Heads of all the Loyal Party: About that time an Or∣der was Issued out to Robert Tichbourne, called Lord Mayor, to double the Watches of the City, for that it was feared the Lyons would run away with the Tower of London on their backs; Tichbourne sent out his Warrants to the Constables in pursu∣ance of the said Order: Amongst the which one came to the hand of one of our Friends of the Wind-mill, who was then called Constable of Smithfield; he was char∣ged thereby to apprehend all Persons that passed in his Rounds betwixt the hours of Nine at Night, and Six in the Morning, unless they gave a very satisfactory Ac∣count of their Business. Accordingly Friend with his carnal Beadle and Watchmen

took their Post at the time appointed, and about One in the Morning a Party of Oli∣ver's Horse-guards (who had Orders to have an Eye on that side) came athwart Friend's Rounds. Whereupon Friend de∣manded of them what they were? and they replied, they were of the Guard; but it being the depth of the Night, Friends Light happened to fail him (for Friends Light doth not always serve them in the Dark, though they can discern in the Dark as well as without Light) so that Friend supposing they might be Enemies of the wicked Cavalier Party, put them into Cu∣stody, until the next morning the Captain of the Guards having notice of it, sent a Party for them, and complained thereof unto him they called the Supreme; where∣upon Oliver sent for Friend-Constable, and having demanded of him the reason why that affront was put upon his Guards? Friend in most Courtly Phrase returned this or the like Answer.

Since thou hast sent for me, O Oliver, upon this Occasion, I shall acquaint thee with the best of my Knowledge concerning it, accor∣ding to the measure of Light that is within me. Therefore thou maist understand, O

Oliver, that thy Servant Robert Tichbourne sent unto me, saying, Take unto thee a Band of Men, and get thee into one of the high Places of the City, namely Smithfield, and there keep thee diligent Watch and Ward from the hour of Nine in the Evening, until the Sixth hour the next Morning, seizing on such as give not account of themselves. And ac∣cordingly I took unto me a Band of Men, and went into the high Place of the City, namely Smithfield; and behold about the Second Watch there appeared unto us as it were some of the Sons of Men Armed, and riding upon Horses; and I said unto them, Who are ye? and they answered and said, We are the Guard: And I answered and said unto them, Nay, bu•• we are the Guard. Whereupon (a dispute a∣rising touching that matter) I smote them Hip and Thigh, and laid them in Bands. Now if there be any fault in this matter, thou canst not take it to be in me who received the Order, but in Robert Tichbourne who sent it.

After Friend had passed this Extraordinary Complement on his High and Mightiness, it took such Effect with the Ruler, that Friend was not only dismissed without Chastise∣ment, but was told, He had done well in what he had done. By this we see the great

Power that is in Friends Rhetorick, how it brings them off the Bilboes, and lays those Storms that gather in the Forehead of Au∣thority, and not a Hair of Friends Head shall be in danger by the breaking thereof. O Complement! Complement! (I mean only Friend's Complement) thou art cer∣tainly descended in a direct Line from the Light, thou hast such noble and generous Effects in laying the Passions even of unruly Men.

Another Complement by a Friend of the Order of the Grape, on a famous King of B. M.

Though Friends of the Yea-and-Nay Tribe are much addicted to find fault and fall out with the Creature, yet it is found by Experience that some Creatures are of great Advantage of Friends, and amongst the rest Friends ought to speak well of the Creature called Wine, which is a beneficial Creature in many respects. It is said the hea∣then Poets have made many prophane and wicked Ballads in Praise of this Juice of the Vine, and have called it Nectar, and the Fountain of Helicon, and have Dedicated it to their Heathen God Bacchus (as they call him) a most debauch'd and loose

Companion, whom themselves always paint with red a Nose, and fiery Face, a tun Belly, and Bunches of Grapes round his Head, with a great Goblet of Wine in his Hands, sitting a-stride a great Tun or Vessel; all which are lewd Intimations of their beastly Inclinations: But Friends have found out greater Advantages by the Juice of the Grape, than these Heathen People could ever pretend to; for Friends have not set themselves upon Tuns in that car∣nal naked manner, without Clothes on their Backs, but Friends have got Clothes to their Backs; yea, I say, Clothes to their Backs, and City-houses, and Country-houses (nay, some have had the vanity to be hurried about in t••••••r Coaches too, after the manner of the Wicked) and all by virtue of this same Juice of the Vine, whilst the beastly Poets (who have pre∣tended to be Inspired by it) have sung themselves out of all they had: And is not this a vast difference? I say then, That they are only the Friends of the Light that know how to put a value on this so excel∣lent and beneficial a Creature, having got the right knack of improving themselves thereby.

I speak not this that thou shouldst think

Friends know not the use of its Vertue in other respects; for to deal plainly with thee, there are a sort of Wet-friends, who perhaps have been as sensible of the warm Effects of the Bottle, as the great hecto∣ring noisey Pretenders: But what then? Doth it follow that if a Brother have a little Eclipsed his Light by taking too much Li∣quor into his Vessel, and happen in that Condition to stumble over a Female Crea∣ture in the Dark, must he presently send a Note of it to Doctors Commons, and get all the carnal Wasps called Parritors about his Ears? Nay, nay, Beloved! Friends have more of the Serpent than so to expose themselves. But I had almost forgot I promised thee an Account of a passage be∣tween Friend B. and a certain King; and it was thus;

Friend B. was a Vintner, and I need not tell thee his Dealing was in that sort of Juice I just now spoke of; it happened that one day some of the King's Servants be∣longing to the Cellar, drinking at his house, so much approved of the Wine, that they agreed for several Vessels of it, and marked them up, having agreed to send for them the next Morning; and taken with them some Bottles, whereof the King having

had a Taste, so far liked the Wine, that he commanded it to be kept for his own use. But behold, when the Carts came in the Morning to carry off the Vessels, they were all Enchanted, not one of them could so much as be moved; for Friend B. had laid an Imbargo on them, because the Peo∣ple that agreed for the Price of them, had not sent the Praemium which had been de∣termined between them; whereupon the King became acquainted that Friend B. had refused to send the Wine by the Carts, so that in fine the Vintner was sent for, who at his Entrance into the Presence, was accosted by one of the Ushers who endeavoured to take off his Hat, which the King perceiving (who was a Prince of a very excellent Humour) commanded to let his Hat alone; whereupon Friend drew near, and making a complemental Nod (which amongst Friends passes for a Bow) the King demanded of him, Whether he were the Quaking Vintner, that had re∣fused to trust him with the Wine his Peo∣ple had marked up? To which Friend re∣plied, He was one of those the World cal∣led Quakers, but that he had not refused to trust the King with the Wine; for if he thought fit, he should have all the Wine

Friend had; But, continued he, to deal plainly with Thee, Thou hast a sort of People about Thee, that I do not care to have to do with. This Jest so pleased that gracious Prince, that Friend was ordered his Mo∣ney, and presently the Enchantment was dissolved, and the Vessels had leave to de∣part out of Friends Custody.

So that as I was saying to thee, Friends are Wise in their Generation, and know how to make more advantage of the Crea∣ture, than the pretended Grape-admirers can pretend to.