Plautus's comedies ... made English, with critical remarks upon each play.

ACT III. (Book 3)

SCENE I.

Enter Demones alone.

TIs a Wonder to see what Pastime the Gods make with us Mortals; and what a parcel o' wonder∣ful Dreams they send us: They won't suffer us to be at rest, tho' we're asleep. What a strange mishapen Dream had I this Night? Methought, I saw an Ape climbing a Swallows Nest, to catch the young ones, but cou'dn't come at it for its life. Upo' that, the Ape, methought, came begging to me to help it to a Ladder. I presently made Answer, that Swallows are o'the Pro∣geny o' Philomel and Progne; and pray'd it not to hurt any o' my Country. Upo' which, the Ape grew fiercer, seem'd to threaten great Mischiefs, and summon'd me into Court. At last, methought, in a great rage, I can't tell how, I took the mischievous Beast about the middle, and clapt it into Chains. Now can't I ima∣gine

what to make o' this Dream, nor what to gather from it.—

[A noise within.]

But what Out-cry's that, at my Neighbours i' the Temple?—I'm strangely sur∣priz'd at it.

SCENE II.

Enter Trachalio from the Temple, in great haste.

Tra. aloud.]

—Oh, Cyrenian People, your Assist∣ance here;—help, good Country-men, Friends, and all the Neighbours, help the Distressed, I beseech ye, and punish the worst of all Rogueries;—lest In∣nocence shou'd be overpower'd by Villains, so notori∣ous for their Crimes!—O punish Rogues, and re∣ward the Honest; and let us live by the Laws, not Op∣pression!—Make haste to the Temple here;—once more I beg your Assistance; all who are nigh, and within call. Succour them, who, according to th' an∣cient Custom, ha' fled to Venus, and her Priestess for Protection! Nip this unjust Violence i' the Bud, before it reaches any of you.

Dem.

What disturbance is this?

Tra. kneeling.]

I adjure you by these Knees, old Gen∣tleman, who e'r you are, to—

Dem.

Let my Knees alone, and tell me what's the matter, and why this Hubbub?

Tra.

Let me pray and beg of ye, as ye hope for a good Crop of Herbs, and a plentiful Harvest o' Plants, with a good and safe Voyage to Capoua, and as y' hope ne'r to be blink-ey'd, as long as you've a day to live,—

Dem.

Are ye mad?

Tra.

—And as ye hope for a good store o'Seed for next Year, good Sir, don't refuse your Assistance, to him who begs of ye.

Dem.

I adjure you too, by your Legs, Shanks and Sides, as ye' hope for a good Crop o' Birch, and a plen∣tiful Harvest o' Lashes, to tell me th' occasion o' this Hubbub.

Tra.

Why are your Wishes bad, when mine were all good?

Dem.

So were mine too, when I wish'd for your de∣serts.

Tra.

Let that pass, Sir.

Dem.

Well, what's the business?

Tra.

Two poor Innocent Girls i' the Temple want your help; where they're notoriously abus'd contrary to all the Laws and Priviledges o' the Place. Then the Priestess her self is treated after a most Inhuman man∣ner.

Dem.

Who dares offer Violence to the Priestess o' Venus? But what Girls are these? And what Injuries offer'd them?

Tra.

Patience, Sir, and I'll tell ye.—At present they hang about the Statue o' Venus; now there's a most impudent Rascal who wou'd needs pluck 'em away by main force, whereas they're both born free.

Dem.

What sacrilegious Fellow's that?

Tra.

A cheating, wicked, murdering, perjur'd, lawless, impudent, prosigate Villain; to sum up all, a Bawd: What need I say worse?—

Dem.

In good Faith, one who deserves to be ston'd.

Tra.

A Dog, who had th' Insolence to take the Priest∣ess by the Throat.

Dem.

As I live he shall pay sauce for that.—

[Goes to his Door.]

Soho, Turbalio, and Sparax, where are ye?

SCENE. III.

To them enter Turbalio and Sparax.

Tra.

Pray, Sir, go in, and help the poor Crea∣tures.

Dem.

I see I needn't call twice.—Follow me.—

[To the Servants.

Tra.

Go, pluck out his Eyes, and make Cats Meat of 'em.

Dem.

Drag him by the Heels like a Hog.

[Exit Demones to the Temple.

SCENE IV.

The Servants go into the Court, and stand by the Door.

Tra. listning.]

They make a confounded Bustle with∣in.—I fancy they've curried the Bawd's Coxcomb. I'd give any thing t'ha' this Rascals Teeth beaten down his Throat.—But hold, here come the poor Girls, in sad fright from the Temple.

SCENE V.

Palestra and Ampelisca, appear in the Temple-Court, much disorder'd.

Pal.

Just now, are we destitute of all Help, Succour and Defence; we can neither see hopes o' Relief, nor know which way to take, our Fears ha' brought us to such a miserable pass. What Outrage, and Injustice ha' we met with from our wicked Master within!

who shamefully beat down the good old Priestess, us'd her most barbarously, and dragg'd us both from the Statue.—Considering the sad condition we're in, we had better die; for when one's in Misery, Death's the best Remedy.

Tra.

What's the matter? What Complaints are these? Why don't I comfort 'em up?—O, Pale∣stra!

Pal.

Who's that?

Tra.

And Ampelisca!

Amp.

Prithee, who is't?

Pal.

Who are ye, that names us?

Tra.

Turn your Eyes, and you'll soon see.

Pal. turning about.]

Is't you, my hopes?

Tra. going to them.]

Peace, pluck up a good Heart, I say.

Pal.

Then pray take care, if it be possible, there be no violence offer'd us; for that will force me t'use Vio∣lence upo' my self.

Tra.

Prithee, you're too fearful.

Amp.

Don't pretend to comfort us only with a few Words.

Pal.

If you don't stand up, and defend us, we're both undone, for I'm resolv'd to perish sooner than be∣come a Prey to this old Rascal.—I confess I've but a Womans Heart, when the thoughts o' Death come upon me; for really, the fear o'that, makes me tremble all over.

Tra.

Tho your condition's none o'the best, take Cou∣rage however.

Pal.

Pray, where shall I find it?

Tra.

Don't be dejected, I say, sit ye both down by this Altar.

Amp.

Can this Altar be a better Sanctuary for us than Venus's Statue within, from whence he tore us with all the Violence imaginable?

Tra.

Do but sit down, I'll secure ye both: This Altar shall be your Castle, and I'll guard th'Outworks; and under Venus's Banner, bid defiance to the Bawd and all his Works.

Amp.

We'll observe your Orders.—

[They kneel by the Altar]

Bright Venus, we poor Wretches, embracing thy Altar, with Tears and bended Knees, implore your Protection, and Preservation: Punish those Villains, who prophane thy Temple; and let thy Shrine be our Sanctuary, who suffer'd so much from Neptune this Night: Refuse us not, nor impute any Crime to us, for approaching thee in this undecent Habit.

Tra.

Their Petition's reasonable, and 'tis nothing but Justice to grant it, and to pardon their presumption; for 'twas fear alone caus'd it. They know that you were born out of a Lobster, and therefore can be no Enemy to Cherry Cheeks.—But here comes th' Old Gentleman, our Patron, very luckily.

SCENE VI.

To them enter Demones, dragging Labrax out of the Temple.

Dem.

Come out, you vile Sacrilegious Dog.—

[to the Women]

Keep close to th' Altar.—Where are my Men?

[To Trachalio.

Tra.

Here, Sir.

Dem.

Best of all.

Ser.

We're ready for Execution, Sir: Command M. Bawd but to draw nigh.

[Labrax makes for the Altar.

Dem. to Labrax]

Shall a Rascal o' no Religion pre∣tend to Sacrifice with us?—

[to the Servants]

Beat his Teeth down his Throat, I say.

[The Servants strike him.

Lab.

I receive th' Affront, but 'tshall be to your Cost.

Dem.

Dos th'Impudent Cur grumble?

Lab.

I'm rob'd o'my Goods, and my Women ravish∣ed out o'my Hands!

Tra.

Then appeal to the Senate's Determination, whether they be your Slaves, or Free-born; and whe∣ther your Rogueship don't deserve to lay i'th •…•…ail as long as the Walls hang together.

Lab.

'Tis none o'my bus'ness to stand prating with a beggarly Slave.—My Bus'ness is wi' you.

[To Demones

Dem.

Pray address your self first to him who knows your Worship.

Lab.

Well, I do then.

Tra.

So y' ought.—Do these Girls belong to you?

Lab.

Yes, they do.

Tra.

Come on then, touch one of'em wi' your little Finger, if you dare, Sirrah.

Lab.

What if I do?

Tra.

'Sbud, you Dog, I'll toss your Carkass like a Foot-Ball, and kick ye to a Jelly, you perjur'd Rogue.

Lab.

May n't I take m' own Goods from the Al∣tar?

Dem.

No, Sirrah; and that's our Law.

Lab.

I've nothing to do wi' your Laws; but I'll streight away with 'em both. I tell ye, Old Man, if your Mouth waters at one of 'em, pay me down the Ready.

Dem.

They're Venus's Favourites now.

Lab.

Let Venus pay for 'em then, and take 'em.

Dem

She pay for 'em, Sirrah?—Hear what I say: Offer the least Violence to 'm, tho but in jeast, I'll gi' ye such a trimming, that you shan't know your self.—

[to the Servants]

And hark ye, when I gi' the Sign, if you don't beat his Eyes o•…•…t of his Head, I'll lash ye, till your Backs be as 〈◊〉〈◊〉 Furrows as the Sea wi' Waves:

Lab.

You wou'd n't offer Violence?

Tra.

Dare such a canker'd Rascal as you reproach us wi' Violence?

Lab.

You Hell-hound, dare you be so impudent to me?

Tra.

Suppose I'm a Hell-hound, and you the honest∣est Man alive; these Girls are free-born ne'rtheless for that.

Lab.

How free-born?

Tra.

Ay, Faith, and your own Mistresses too, Gre∣cians both. One of 'em is an Athenian, of a very good Family.

Dem.

What's that you say?

Tra. pointing to Palestra]

That this is free-born of Athens.

Dem.

My own Country, as I hope to live!

Tra.

Arn't you a Cyrenian, Sir?

Dem.

No; I had my Birth, Nourishment, and Edu∣cation at Athens.

Tra.

Pray, Sir, then stand by your own Country∣women.

Dem.

Ah, my poor Daughter! the sight o' this, brings my former Trouble to remembrance. I lost her at three Years of Age, and if she be living, she's just such another.

[Aside.

Lab.

I'm sure I paid honestly for 'em to th'Owner; what care I a Fart whether they were born at Athens, or Thebes, since they're lawfully become my Slaves?

Tra.

Pandering Dog, d'ye pretend to detain Gentle∣men's Daughters, kid-napp'd from their Parents, and make 'em a Prey to your silly Trade? Who th'other is I amn't be sure, but I know her to be ten times better than your self, you nasty Carrion.

Lab.

Prove that, can ye?

Tra.

Strip then, and our Backs shall be Judge who's most to be trusted. If you have not more Remembrances on yours, than there's Pins in a Man o' War, I'm the veriest Lyer upo' the Face o' th' Earth. After your

Skin be shewn, mine shall; and you'll find it so clear, that ne'r a Workman i'the Land but will say 'tis whole and tite enough for a Wine-Bag.—But why don't I jerk this Dog as long as I can stand over him?—Why d'ye stare so at 'em? Touch 'em, and out-go both your Eyes.

Lab.

Because you say so, I'll have 'em both

Going away.

away

Dem.

Why, what will you do?

Lab.

By Vulcan's Help, fire 'em out o'their Nests; for he's an Enemy to Venus.

[He goes out of the Court towards Demones's Door.]

Dem.

Where goes he?

Lab. by Demones's House]

So ho, within there!—So ho!

Dem.

Touch that Door, Sirrah, and, Faith, I'll make ye glad to glean up your scatter'd Teeth.

Ser.

We keep no Fires; for we live all upon dry'd Figs.

Dem.

I'll help ye to Fire, if that Steel-Face will strike a Light.

Lab.

'Sbud, I'll find Fire somewhere.

Dem.

What will ye do, when ye have found it?

Lab.

Make a swinging Pile upo' th' Altar.

Dem.

What to sacrifice your self?

Lab.

No, to burn 'em both alive, where they are.

Dem.

I'd fain see that. And, as I live, I'll catch ye by the Beard, throw y'into the Fire, and hang y' up, half roasted, for Crows-Meat.—Now I consider of 't, this must be th'Ape I dreamt of, that wou'd needs take the young Swallows from their Nest, whether I wou'd or no.

[Aside,

Tra.

D'ye mind what I say, Sir?—Good old Gentleman, defend the poor Girls by main Force, while I go fetch my Master.

Dem.

Go, and find him out.

Tra.

But have a special care this Rascal—

Dem.

He had better hang himself than touch one of 'em, or make the least Disturbance.

Tra.

going out of the Court] Take care, Sir.

Dem.

I'll warrant ye.—make haste.

Tra.

Take care too, that this Dog don't gi' ye the slip: For my Master's bound in a Bond to deliver this Whore's Bud to the Jailer, upon Forfeiture of a full Talent.

[Exit Trachalio.

SCENE VII.

Demones, Labrax, Palestra, Ampelisca, and Servants.

Dem. to Labrax]

'Tis now left to your Bawdships discretion, whether you'll chuse a good Beating, or a whole Skin.

Lab.

I caren't this, for what you say, Old Man. I'll tear 'em from th'Altar by the Hair o'their Heads, in spight o' you, Venus, and Iove himself.

Dem.

Touch 'em, do.

Lab.

Rot me, if I don't.

[Going towards them.

Dem.

Come then, draw nigh.

Lab.

Then order your Hang Dogs to draw off.

Dem.

Towards you, I will.

Lab.

Faith, I can scarce believe that.

Dem.

What if they shou'd?

Lab.

I'd retire.—But, old Fellow, if I ever catch y' in Town, and don't expose ye to the whole World, may I never bear the Name o' Slave-Merchant.

Dem.

Do what you please; but i' the mean time, of∣fer to meddle with either of 'em, and you shall be swing'd to some tune.

Lab.

How swing'd?

Dem.

As a villanous Bawd ought to be.

Lab.

Po, I laugh at your Threats; I'll have 'em both spight o' your Teeth.

[Goes into the Court.

Dem.

Lay a hand on 'em.

Lab.

That I will, I' Faith.

Dem.

Do then: You know what follows.—Tur∣balio, run quickly for a Couple o' Cudgels.

[Turbalio goes out of the Court.

Lab.

Cudgels?

Dem.

Strong ones.—make haste.

Exit Turbalio.

SCENE VIII.

Demones, Labrax, Sparax, and Women.

Dem.

Now, Sirrah, I shall give ye your due, or I'm mistaken.

Lab. aside.]

O lamentable! I lost my Head-piece too, i' the Ship; if I had but that, 'wou'd secure my Skull.—

[to Demones.]

Won't ye let me speak to 'em?

Dem.

No, Sirrah.—O best of all! Here comes the Fellow with his Cudgels.

SCENE IX.

To them enter Turbalio, with two great Cudgels.

Lab.

Faith, they make m' Ears tingle.

(Aside.

Dem.

Sparax, take you th' other Cudgel.—One of ye, stand on the right, and th' other on the left side o' th' Altar. So, keep close, and mind what I say. If the Rogue offers to lift up a Finger against 'em, give him his load so as he shan't b' able to find the way home, or I'll hang y' up both by the heels. If he calls one of

'em, do you answer; and if he offers to be marching, break both his Legs wi' your Clubs.

Lab.

What will ye keep me Prisoner too?

Dem.

I've said enough. When your Servant's come back, who is gone for his Master, come both of ye in: Observe exactly what I tell ye.

[Exit Demones home.

SCENE X.

Labrax, Servants, and Women.

Lab. walking on one side.]

Bless me! O' my Consci∣ence, i' this short time, the Temple's transform'd from that o' Venus to Hercules, by th' old Man's erecting his two Monuments, with Clubs i' their Hands. As I hope to live, I known't where to hide my Head, for both Sea and Land are conspir'd against me.—Palestra!

[Sorrowfully.

Ser.

What wou'd ye have?

Lab.

Hang ye, there's an ill meaning in't. Marry. The Palestra that answers, is none o' mine—Hark ye, Ampelisca!

Ser.

Have a care ye don't pull an old House about your Ears.

Lab. aside.]

These Lubberly Dogs advise me well however.—

[to the Servants.]

Hark ye, 'tis you I speak to; will it be e'r the worse for ye, if I come nigher to 'em?

Ser.

Not for us.

Lab.

Nor for my sides neither?

Ser.

Not if you be cautious.

Lab.

What shou'd I be cautious of?

Ser.

Of having your Bones broken.

Lab.

Good Boys, let me go.

[Fawningly.

Ser.

Go, if you please.

Lab.

By Iove, that's honestly said; and I thank ye for your kindness. But I had rather stay by my Slaves.

Ser.

Then stay.

Lab.

Faith, my Affairs are in a damn'd Condition. But I'm resolv'd to lay a close Siege to these Girls to day.

SCENE XI.

Enter Pleusidippus, and Trachalio, at another part of the Stage.

Pleu. entring.]

—The rascally Merchant offer violence to my Mistress, and tear her from th' Altar by force?

Tra.

Yes, Sir.

Pleu.

Why didn't ye kill him upo' the spot?

Tra.

I had ne'r a Sword.

Pleu.

A Club, or a Stone shou'd ha' serv'd then.

Tra.

What, stone a Man like a Dog?

Pleu.

Yes, such a Rascal as he.

Lab.

'Sdeath, I'm undone to rights! Yonder comes Pleusidippus too. He'll have a confounded brush at my Coat.

[Aside.

Pleu.

Were both the Girls upo' th' Altar, when you left 'em?

Tra.

They're there still.

Pleu.

Who looks after 'em now.

Tra.

An honest old Gentleman, a Stranger to me, who lives next door to the Temple: He and his Ser∣vants, ha' done their best to protect 'em: I left 'em in his Hands.

Pleu.

Shew me the Rogue, Labrax: Where is he?

Lab. meeting him.]

Good morrow, dear Sir.

[Fawningly.

Pleu.

Hang your good morrows:—Now, Sirrah, chuse quickly, whether you'll go to Jail th' usual way, or be dragg'd by the Heels.

Lab.

I'll chuse neither.

Pleu.

Trachalio, run quickly to the Sea-side, and de∣sire my Friend there, to meet me' at the Town-Gate, and help to carry this Dog to Prison; then come back, and look after this Girls, I'll ha' this Devils-bird before the Judge immediately.

Exit Trachalio running.

SCENE XII.

Pleusidippus, Labrax, Servants, and Women.

Pleu.

Come, Sirrah; come before the Judge.

[Laying hold of him.

Lab.

For what Crime?

Pleu.

What Crime! Didn't you take earnest for a Girl, and then carry her quite away?

Lab.

I didn't carry her away.

Pleu.

Will you Lie, Sirrah?

Lab.

Truly, I only embark'd her; alas, I cou'dn't carry her away.—I promis'd you to meet y' at the Temple o' Venus. Am I worse than my word? Am I not here?

Pleu.

The Judge shall determine that: That's the word for all.—Come along, Rascal.

[Dragging him by the Ears.

Lab. aloud.]

O help, good Charmides, help! I'm arrested here.

SCNEE XIII.

To them enter Charmides from the Temple, rubbing his Eyes.

Char.

Who calls me there?

Lab.

Don't you see I'm hurry'd away, vi & armis?

Char.

I do, and am glad of't withal my Soul.

Lab.

Won't ye help to rescue me?

Char.

Who is't forces ye so?

Lab.

Young Pleusidippus.

Char.

Ay, you may bare it patiently; you'd better by half go willingly. I'll warrant ye, you'll meet what a great many wish for.

Lab.

What's that?

Char.

A Reward according to your Deserts.

Lab.

Prithee come along wi' me.

Char.

That's like your Rogueship: You're going to Jail, and desire me to go along wi' ye.—What, d'ye hang an Arse?

Lab.

O, undone!

Pleu.

That's it I'd have.—My dear Palestra, and you Ampelisca, stay where you are, till I come back.

Ser.

Truly, Sir, I think 'tis far safer for 'em to go in with us, till your return.

Pleu.

Very well; I thank ye.

Lab. aloud.]

O I'm robb'd here!

[He makes for the Women.

Ser.

Who are the Robbers?

Pleu.

Beat him off.

[They beat him off.

Lab.

O, good Palestra!

[Exeunt Servants and Women.

SCENE XIV.

Pleusidippus, Labrax, and Charmides.

Pleu.

Come along, Hang-Dog.

Lab.

Honest Boarder!

Char.

I'm none o' your Boarder; I renounce your Bed and Board.

Lab.

What d'ye throw m' off at last?

Char.

Yes, I've enough o' your Salt Meats, I thank

Lab.

Then the Devil rot your Bones.

Char.

And your Corps in Prison.—

[To himself, following them at a distance.]

Troth, I fancy Men are of∣ten metamorphos'd into one Brute or another; and I believe the Merchant's chang'd to a Stock-Dove; for by and by, he'll be stock'd into the Pigeon Holes, where I'm affraid the poor Devil must make his Nest to night.—However, I'll endeavour to plead for him, and help over his Trial, as soon as I can.

[Exeunt omnes.

The end of the Third Act.