Plautus's comedies ... made English, with critical remarks upon each play.

ACT II. (Book 2)

SCENE I.

Enter some Fishermen, with their Lines, Nets, &c.

1. Fish.

WE, Poor Folks, have every way a lamen∣table Life on't, especially since we were brought up to neither Trade, nor Calling; so we are forc'd to be content wi' that little we have. Ye may guess how rich we are, by our fine Garbs. These Hooks and Rods are all our Trade and Liveli∣hood. We make Incursions, every Day, from the Town to the Sea, for Forrage; and all our Fights and Combats are against whole Beds o' Crabs, Lobsters, Oysters, Pinpatches, Coral, Muscles, and Cockles; af∣ter which, we fall upon other Fish with our Hooks, and upo' those among the Rocks. We table upo' the Sea; and if we chance t' ha' no luck, we slink home, well liquor'd wi' salt-Water, and go supperless to bed.—Now 'tis such a hoaming Sea, we've little hopes o' Sport; and except we light o' some Shell-Fish,

we must e'n make a Fast-Night on't, i' Faith.—But we'll pray first to kind Venus, to send us good Luck.

[They move towards the Temple.

SCENE II.

Enter Trachalio, at a little Distance.

Tra. to himself]

I've been searching with all the Eyes i'my Head, to find out my Master. When he first went out, he told me he was gone to the Haven; but order'd me to meet him here at the Temple o' Ve∣nus.—But hold, here are People very luckily t' en∣quire of; I'll up to'em.—

[Goes to the Fishermen]

Well met, Old Sea-Filchers, Oyster-Crackers, and Hook-Drivers; ye starv'd Generation, how d'ye do? Not drown'd yet?

1. Fish.

We do like poor Fishermen, full of Hunger, Thirst, and Hopes.

Tra.

Did ye see e'r a Young Gentleman, the Time ye were here, a genteel, fresh-colour'd, lusty Man, and three Companions, wi'their Cloaks and Swords?

3. Fish.

We saw no such Man, as you describe.

Tra.

Then did ye see e'r an old Bald-pated, Beetle-Brow'd, Gotch-Gutted, Squint-Ey'd, Sowr-Fac'd Ra∣scal, the very Canker-Worm of Heaven and Earth, and Store-House o' Mischief, Roguery, and Villany, leading o' two good likely Girls?

2. Fish.

A Fellow wi' these Vertues, and Graces, is a fitter Companion for Hell, than the Temple.

Tra.

If ye saw any such, speak.

1. Fish.

I assure ye, we did not.—Good morrow.

Tra.

Adieu t'ye: I thought ye might.

[Exeunt Fishermen.

SCENE III.

T•…•…achalio alone,

Troth,

I believe 'tis just as I thought 'twou'd be. My Master's bubl'd; this Whore-son Bawd has chang'd Countries, embark'd, and carry'd off the Girls, and I find I'm a Conjurer. This Devil's Bird too, has invit∣ed my Master to a Dinner here; and I think I had best stay his Coming. If I light o' the Priestess, I'll en∣quire of her, whether she can gi' me any further ac∣count o' this Bus'ness; I'll be as certain as I can.

SCENE. IV.

Enter Ampelisca from the Temple, with a Bucket in her Hand.

Amp. to the Priestess within]

Very well; at the next Door to the Temple you'd ha' me knock, and desire a little Water.

Tra.

Whose Voice is that?

Amp.

Bless me! Who's that? Whom do I see?

Tra.

Is't Ampelisca, that comes from the Temple?

Amp.

Isn't it Tracalio, Pleusidippus's Servant?

Tra.

'Tis she.

Amp.

'Tis the same.—Trachalio, good morrow.

Tra.

And to you, Ampelisca.—How came you here?

Amp.

By a miserable Chance, and undeservedly too.

Tra.

I hope better things.

Amp.

A wise Person ought to say and talk nothing but Truth.—But Prethee now, where's your Master Pleusidippus?

Tra.

Pshaw, as tho he wan't within there.

Amp.

Really, neither he, nor any one else came hither.

Tra.

He is not come, then?

Amp.

You say very true.

Tra.

Which is none o' my way, Ampelisca.—But how forward's Dinner?

Amp.

Prethee, what Dinner?

Tra.

Why, your Sacrifice Dinner, you're to have here.

Amp.

What Dream's this, pray now?

Tra.

Faith, your Master Labrax invited mine t' a Dinner here to Day.

Amp.

Troth, 'tis a mighty surprize to me. If he has cheated both Gods and Men, he has done like a Bawd as he is.

Tra.

Is there no Sacrifice then, neither for you nor my Master?

Amp.

You may swear 't.

Tra.

How came ye here then?

Amp.

Why, the Priestess took us in, both me and Palestra too, in a great Fright, extream Danger, and destitute of all Succour.

Tra.

Pray, is Palestra here too, my Master's Mi∣stress?

Amp.

Yes indeed.

Tra.

Dear Ampelisca, you've told me the pleasantest News i'the World.—But I long mightily to know what Danger you've run thorow.

Amp.

Why, honest Trachalio, our Ship was cast away last light.

Tra.

How, cast away?—What a Fib was that?

Amp.

Prethee, didn't ye hear, how Labrax wou'd ha' shipt us away underhand for Sicily, and had got all his Goods aboard? They're all lost now.

Tra.

God a mercy, honest Neptune; ne'r a Gamester of 'm all has half the Cunning. Faith, 'twas an excel∣lent

Cast; 'thas quite gammon'd the Rascal.—But where's the poor Devil now?

Amp.

Dead drunk, o' my Conscience. For the God invited him last Night to a Tub o' Roaring Liquor; and, troth, I believe the Whore's-bud has drunk more than he cou'd bear.

Tra.

O how I cou'd hug thee, dear Ampelisca! thou'rt a Sweet, and charming Creature.—But pray, how scap'd you, and Palestra?

Amp.

I'll tell ye.—When we saw the Ship run∣ning full upon a Rock, all in a fright, we leap'd into the Boat, and streight unty'd the Rope. While the rest look'd dismally on, the Storm parted us from the Ship to the right. All the long Night, we poor Wretches were most desperately tost by the Winds and Waves, till just at Morning, we were thrown half dead a shore.

Tra.

I know 'tis like Neptune; he's a plaguy hard Custom-Master, and staves all prohibited Goods.

Amp.

O hang your sweet Crops.

Tra.

And thine, my little Rogue.—I formerly smelt out the Trick this Dog was playing, and often forewarn'd y' of it. I think I had best send for Gown and Fur-Cap, and set up for a Fortune-tel∣ler.

Amp.

Since you fore-knew't, how bravely did you and your Master take care to prevent it?

Tra.

What cou'd he ha' done?

Amp.

Done, quoth a, for the Person he lov'd? He shou'd ha' watch'd her Night and Day, and been always upon Duty. But I see your Master's Care and Love for his Mistress, may tally together.

Tra.

Why so?

Amp.

Nay the Matter's plain.

Tra.

Po, don't ye see, when People go to the Bath, tho' they be ne'r so careful o'their Cloaths, they're often snap'd up? Th'Owner knows n't whom to susepct:

The Thief has his Eye upo' th' Owner; but the de'el a bit does th'other know the Thief.—But bring me to Palestra: Where is she?

Amp.

Go into the Temple there; and you'll find her crying and sobbing like a Child.

Tra.

I'm sorry for that.—What's the matter with her?

Amp.

I'll tell ye.—She's mightily concern'd for Labrax's taking away a Casket of hers; for there she had something to discover her Parents by, and she fears 'tis quite lost.

Tra.

Where was it put?

Amp.

Aboard the Ship. This Rogue had secur'd it in a Port-mantle, to put her beyond a possibility of find∣ing her Parents.

Tra.

O abominable! to keep her a Slave, when she ought to be free?

Amp.

She believes 'tis sunk to the bottom o'the Sea, together wi' the Ship, and all Labrax's Gold and Silver. Now I fancy some one has div'd for't, and got it out. The poor Creature's in a lamentable condition for the loss of her Things.

Tra.

'Tis the best way then to go to her, comfort her up, and keep her from fretting so. I've known a great many People who have found Relief when they ne'r expected it.

Amp.

And I, those who have expected it, and ha' found none.

Tra.

In those Cases, Patience is the best Remedy.—I'll go to her, if you've no occasion for my Assistance.

Amp.

Ay, go.

[Exit Trachalio to the Temple.

SCENE V.

Ampelisca alone.

I'll go beg a little Water at the next House, as the Priestess order'd; for she tells me if I ask in her Name, they'll gi' me't without Scruple. I think I ne'r saw a Person more deserving o' the Favour o' Gods and Men, than this good old Priestess. How hansomly, gene∣rously, honestly, and freely, did she entertain us! When we were in Fears, Want, Wet, forsaken, and ready to perish, she took care of us as tho' we had been her own Children. How ready she is too, to heat the Water to wash us withal!—Now I'll go ask for some, that I might n't make her stay.—

[She knocks at Demones's Door]

So ho! who's at home here?—Any Body here?—None to come out?

[Knocks again.

SCENE VI.

To her enter Sceparnio.

Sce.

Who's that batters our Doors so incivilly?

Amp

A Friend.

Sce.

Hah, What luck's here?—'S bobs, as I hope to breath, a sinug-fac'd little Rogue.

Amp.

Good morrow t'ye, young Man.

Sce.

And to thee, my pretty young Woman.

Amp.

I come to beg one Kindness—

Sce.

Which I'd grant ye, if ye came at Midnight; but now I haven't the conveniency o' supplying your Wants.——What say'st thou, my feat little Chuck?

[Goes to imbrace her.

Amp.

How now? Methinks you're a little too free tho'.

Sce.

Bless me! the very Picture o' Venus! What sparkling Eyes! What a Shape! What a fine black Complexion! I meant, a lovely brown! What Bubbies! What sweet Lips are those!

[Offers to kiss her.

Amp. turning away.]

I'm not for every one's turn; therefore stand off.

Sce.

What not one gentle Kiss, my pretty sweet Rogue?

Amp.

When I'm more at leasure, I may allow ye to toy a little. But now I must have an Answer, ay or no, to what I came for.

Sce.

What wou'd ye have then?

Amp.

This Bucket o' mine, shews clearly what I'd have.

Sce.

And this Phiz o' mine, shews as clearly what I'd have.

Amp.

The Priestess o' Venus sent me hither for a lit∣tle Water.

Sce.

I'm just like a Courtier, you'll ne'r obtain any thing without a plaguy deal o' waiting. The Well's deep and dangerous; and not a drop you get, without a hundred fine Words and Caresses.

Amp.

Why are you so sparing o' your Water to me, which you give every Stranger gratis?

Sce.

And why are you sparing o' your Favours' to me, which you give every Citizen gratis.

Amp.

Come, my Dear, I'll not stand for once.—

[He kisses her.

Sce. aside.]

O rare, I'm ravish'd! She calls me Dear, too.——Thou shalt ha' Water; I won't be lov'd for nothing.—Gi' me the Bucket.

Amp. giving the Bucket.]

Here.—Prithee, make haste.

Sce.

Stay. I'll be here i' the turning of a Hand, my Hony.

[Exit Sceparnio with the Bucket.

SCNEE VII.

Ampelixa alone.

What Excuse shall I make to the Priestess, for staying so long?—

[Looking on the Sea.]

How I quake when I cast m' Eyes upo' the Sea!—But alas, who are you, on the Shore?—Is't the Merchant my Master, and his Sicilian Boarder? I was in good hopes they were both drown'd i' the Sea. These are new Plagues, we ne'r look'd for.—But why don't I run into the Temple, and tell Palestra this News, that we may've time to take Sanctuary at th' Altar, before this old Devil come and take us?—I'll make haste, for this was a sudden Thought.

[She runs off to the Temple.

SCENE VIII.

Enter Sceparnio, with his Bucket full of Water.

Bless me! I ne'r cou'd ha' thought I shou'd ha' found so much pleasure in drawing Water. How merrily did I go to't! Methought the Well not half so deep as 'tus'd to be; I drew it wi' so much ease.—But with∣out Flattery, I was a great Owl for not falling in love before now. Here's the Water, my little Fubs ye? I'de ha' ye as civil to me, as I to you, that I may love ye the better.—Where art, my Duck?—Here, take thy Water.—Where art thou?—'Sbud, she's in love wi' me, I believe; for the pretty Jilt has skulk'd out o' the Way.—Whereabouts art? Won't ye take your Bucket? Where are ye?—Come, you've car∣ried the Jest far enough; take the Bucket, and be seri∣ous.

—Where have ye hid your self.—

[Looks about.]

Troth, I can't get one glimps of her: She has play'd the Jade wi' me.—Faith, I'll e'n set down the Bucket i' the middle o' the way. But then it belongs to the Temple, and if some Rogue shou'd come and steal it, I shou'd be damnably trounc'd. Zooks, I'm afraid the Jade has laid a trap t'ha' me seiz'd wi' Church Goods i' my Hands. The Magistrate may fairly pop m' into a Dungeon, if I be found wi' these i' my Pos∣session. For here's th' Inscription, and that proclaims th' Owner. In good earnest, I'll call out the Priestess to take care of her Goods. I'll to the Door.—

[Goes to the Temple.]

Soho, Ptolemocratia, take in your Bucket here; a young Woman brought it to me, but I can't tell who.—I find I must march in with't my self. I shall have a fine time on't, if I must be bound to draw Water for all Comers and Goers.

[Exit to the Temple with the Bucket.

SCENE IX.

Enter Labrax, and behind him Charmides with their Cloths wet, from among the Cliffs at the further end of the Stage.

Lab.

If a Man has a mind to be a Wretch, and a Beg∣ger as long as he lives, let him trust his Life and For∣tune to Neptune's Hands: If he has any thing to do with him, he shall be sure to be sent home i' this sweet Pickle. Ah, Liberty, thour't a rare Goddess too, thou ne'r go'st to Sea with a Hero. But where's my delicate Boarder, who has ruin'd me?—O here he lags be∣hind.

Char.

Plague on ye, Labrax, where d'ye run so fast? 'Sbud, I can ne'r keep pace wi' ye.

Lab.

Ah wou'd ye had rotted upo' the Gallows in Si∣cily, before I laid Eyes on ye; you that brought all these Plagues upo' my Head.

Char.

And wou'd I had starv'd in a Dungeon, the day I came within your Doors. Pray Heaven, you may ever be plagu'd wi' such Guests as I.

Lab.

When I took y' into my House, certainly Belze∣bub attended ye. Why did I listen to such a Rascal? Why was this Voyage? And why did I venture a Ship∣board; where I've lost more than e'r I was worth?

Char.

Nay, Faith, I don't wonder the Ship was cast away, when 'twas loaden wi' such Ill gotten Goods, and a Villain to boot.

Lab.

'Twas you ruin'd me wi' your damn'd wheed∣ling Tongue.

Char.

I'm sure, 'twas a more fatal Supper to me, than e'r Thyestes's, and Tereus's was to them.

Lab.

O, I dye;—Sick at Heart!—Pray hold my Head.

[He vomits.

Char.

Faith, wou'd ye had spew'd your Guts out.

Lab.

Ah! Palestra, and Ampelisca, where are ye now?

[He weeps.

Char.

At the bottom o' the Sea, I suppose, to dine Fishes.

Lab.

Now may I go starve, for giving Ear to your Lying Rodomantades.

Char.

Nay, y' ought to thank me; before ye were a fresh raw Fellow, now I've season'd your Understand∣ing, old Fool.

Lab.

Wou'd the Devil had ye for a Rogue.

Char.

And you too: I'm sure I made broad signs t' have him come for ye.

Lab.

Lamentable! Was ever Mortal in a worse Con∣dition than I?

Char.

Yes, I'm in a worse by half.

Lab.

How so?

Char.

Because I ne'r deserv'd it; you did.

Lab.

O Reeds, Reeds, I envy your Happiness, that always preserve your dryness, i' the middle o' the Wa∣ter.

Char.

Faith, I tremble like one ready t' engage th' Enemy; and my Jaws do so quake, that my Words break out like flashes o' Lightning.

Lab.

O Neptune, thy Baths are as cold as Charity; for since I got out o' your Clutches, I'm almost frozen. This God can't afford one Brandy-shop in all his Domi∣nions, but keeps nothing but salt and cool Liquors.

Char.

What a happy Life ha' these Smiths, who are ever at the Fire, and always warm?

Lab.

O for a Ducks Life, say I; that comes out o' the Water as dry as it goes in.

Char.

I fancy, I shou'd make an excellent Snap-Dra∣gon.

Lab.

How so?

Char.

Because I chatter my Teeth so nobly.—The truth on't is, I deserve to be sows'd as I ha' been.

Lab.

Why?

Char.

For venturing to Sea wi' such a Rascal, whose Villanies alone rais'd all this Tempest.

Lab.

'Twas your damn'd Project; you gull'd m' in∣to a belief o' getting the Devil and all by Women i' your Country, and told me 'twou'd rain Mony there.

Char.

Ye sharking Brute, did ye think to swallow up all Sicily at a mouthful?

Lab.

Ah, what Shark has swallow'd up my Port∣mantle, and all my Gold and Silver that was in't?

Char.

The very same, I believe, that swallow'd my Purse full o' Silver, that was i' the Bag•…•…,

Lab.

Alas, I'm reduc'd to this single Waistcoat, and shabby Coat.—Oh, undone, undone!

Char.

Then let's form a new Company; for now we may go share and share like.

Lab.

Were my young Women but safe, there wou'd be some hopes still.—Now If Mr. Pleusidippus shou'd find me, who ga' me earnest for Palestra, he'll trounce me damnably.

[He cries.

Char.

Why d' ye howl so, Blockhead? You'll ne'r be in debt, as long as you keep a Tongue that will swear any thing.

[They go towards the Temple.

SCENE X.

Enter Sceparnio from the Temple.

Sce. to himself.]

I wonder i' my Heart, why these two Girls shou'd cry so, and embrace the Statue o' Venus i' the Temple. The poor Creatures are mightily afraid o' some Body, and talk o' being tost all Night long, and thrown ashore this morning.

Lab.

Prithee, Friend, where are those you talk of?

Sce.

Here i' the Temple.

Lab.

How many are there?

Sce.

As many as you and I added together.

Lab.

Certainly, they're mine.

Sce.

Certainly, I can say nothing to that.

Lab.

What manner o' Girls are they?

Sce.

Plaguy handsom.—Faith, I cou'd manage 'em both tightly, wi' the help of a Cup or two.

Lab.

Girls, say ye?

Lab.

Say? I say you're plaguy impertinent: There∣fore go look, if you please.

Lab.

Sure •…•…ough, honest Charmides, they're my Girls.

Char.

Confound ye for a Dog, be it so or no.

Lab.

I'll go strait in.

Char.

To Hell if you please.

[Exit Labrax to the Temple.

SCENE XI.

Charmides and Sceparnio.

Char.

Prithee, honest Fellow, shew me some place to sleep in.

Sce.

You may sleep where you please here, 'tis all common, and no Man will pretend a Title to your Bed.

Char.

You see I've ne'r a dry Thread about me; pray let m'into your House. Lend me some other Cloths, while mine are a drying; and I shall be bound to pray for ye.

Sce.

I don't care if I gi'ye this Frock, m'own Coat and cover i' rainy Weather.—Let me see your Cloths, and I'll warrant ye dry 'em for ye.

Char.

For shame! Arn't ye content t'ha'the Sea wash all away, but you must be for the same sport at Land too?

Sce.

Be wash'd, and powder'd too, I caren't a Straw: I'll not trust ye without Mony. You may sweat, freez, be sick, or well, I'll receive no outlandish Guest within our Doors. We've had enough from them already.

[Exit Sceparnio.

SCENE XII.

Charmides alone.

Gone already?—Sure this Fellow's some Kidnap∣per by his want o'Pity. But why stand I here i' this woful Pickle? I'll enter the Temple, and sleep out this Debauch, that went so damnably against my Stomach. Old Neptune put upon us with his Water, as tho' it

had been Wine o'the best; and thought t'ha' split our Paunches with Salt Cups. In short, had he proceeded in his Entertainment, he might ha' laid us asleep; how∣ever, he has sent us home staggering.—Now I'll go see what the Merchant, my Pot-Companion, is doing of.

Exit Charmides.

The End of the Second Act.