Plautus's comedies ... made English, with critical remarks upon each play.

SCENE IX.

Enter Labrax, and behind him Charmides with their Cloths wet, from among the Cliffs at the further end of the Stage.

Lab.

If a Man has a mind to be a Wretch, and a Beg∣ger as long as he lives, let him trust his Life and For∣tune to Neptune's Hands: If he has any thing to do with him, he shall be sure to be sent home i' this sweet Pickle. Ah, Liberty, thour't a rare Goddess too, thou ne'r go'st to Sea with a Hero. But where's my delicate Boarder, who has ruin'd me?—O here he lags be∣hind.

Char.

Plague on ye, Labrax, where d'ye run so fast? 'Sbud, I can ne'r keep pace wi' ye.

Lab.

Ah wou'd ye had rotted upo' the Gallows in Si∣cily, before I laid Eyes on ye; you that brought all these Plagues upo' my Head.

Char.

And wou'd I had starv'd in a Dungeon, the day I came within your Doors. Pray Heaven, you may ever be plagu'd wi' such Guests as I.

Lab.

When I took y' into my House, certainly Belze∣bub attended ye. Why did I listen to such a Rascal? Why was this Voyage? And why did I venture a Ship∣board; where I've lost more than e'r I was worth?

Char.

Nay, Faith, I don't wonder the Ship was cast away, when 'twas loaden wi' such Ill gotten Goods, and a Villain to boot.

Lab.

'Twas you ruin'd me wi' your damn'd wheed∣ling Tongue.

Char.

I'm sure, 'twas a more fatal Supper to me, than e'r Thyestes's, and Tereus's was to them.

Lab.

O, I dye;—Sick at Heart!—Pray hold my Head.

[He vomits.

Char.

Faith, wou'd ye had spew'd your Guts out.

Lab.

Ah! Palestra, and Ampelisca, where are ye now?

[He weeps.

Char.

At the bottom o' the Sea, I suppose, to dine Fishes.

Lab.

Now may I go starve, for giving Ear to your Lying Rodomantades.

Char.

Nay, y' ought to thank me; before ye were a fresh raw Fellow, now I've season'd your Understand∣ing, old Fool.

Lab.

Wou'd the Devil had ye for a Rogue.

Char.

And you too: I'm sure I made broad signs t' have him come for ye.

Lab.

Lamentable! Was ever Mortal in a worse Con∣dition than I?

Char.

Yes, I'm in a worse by half.

Lab.

How so?

Char.

Because I ne'r deserv'd it; you did.

Lab.

O Reeds, Reeds, I envy your Happiness, that always preserve your dryness, i' the middle o' the Wa∣ter.

Char.

Faith, I tremble like one ready t' engage th' Enemy; and my Jaws do so quake, that my Words break out like flashes o' Lightning.

Lab.

O Neptune, thy Baths are as cold as Charity; for since I got out o' your Clutches, I'm almost frozen. This God can't afford one Brandy-shop in all his Domi∣nions, but keeps nothing but salt and cool Liquors.

Char.

What a happy Life ha' these Smiths, who are ever at the Fire, and always warm?

Lab.

O for a Ducks Life, say I; that comes out o' the Water as dry as it goes in.

Char.

I fancy, I shou'd make an excellent Snap-Dra∣gon.

Lab.

How so?

Char.

Because I chatter my Teeth so nobly.—The truth on't is, I deserve to be sows'd as I ha' been.

Lab.

Why?

Char.

For venturing to Sea wi' such a Rascal, whose Villanies alone rais'd all this Tempest.

Lab.

'Twas your damn'd Project; you gull'd m' in∣to a belief o' getting the Devil and all by Women i' your Country, and told me 'twou'd rain Mony there.

Char.

Ye sharking Brute, did ye think to swallow up all Sicily at a mouthful?

Lab.

Ah, what Shark has swallow'd up my Port∣mantle, and all my Gold and Silver that was in't?

Char.

The very same, I believe, that swallow'd my Purse full o' Silver, that was i' the Bag•…•…,

Lab.

Alas, I'm reduc'd to this single Waistcoat, and shabby Coat.—Oh, undone, undone!

Char.

Then let's form a new Company; for now we may go share and share like.

Lab.

Were my young Women but safe, there wou'd be some hopes still.—Now If Mr. Pleusidippus shou'd find me, who ga' me earnest for Palestra, he'll trounce me damnably.

[He cries.

Char.

Why d' ye howl so, Blockhead? You'll ne'r be in debt, as long as you keep a Tongue that will swear any thing.

[They go towards the Temple.