Plautus's comedies ... made English, with critical remarks upon each play.

ACT IV.

SCENE I.

Enter Periphanes alone.

THere's no such need for a Man t'have a Glass to see the Features of his Face in, as t'observe the very depth of his Discretion, and the Passions of his Mind. The well viewing o'these, will bring him to reflect how he passed away his Time in his young Days. My self experience it, by this fretting for my Son, as tho' his Crimes were so heinous, and not the Sin o'my Youth as great. Faith, we old Men do doat sometimes; and certainly this Mirrour wou'd be of excellent use.—But here comes my Friend Apecides, wi' my Son's Prize.

SCENE II.

Enter Apecides, and a Musick-woman finely dress'd, with her Iustruments.

Per.

O, wellcome home wi' your Merchandize.—How is't?

Ape.

You see the Heavens smile on ye.

Per.

They've a promising Countenance.

Ape.

Ay, all things promise well, and succeed too.—Y' had best order some Body to carry her in.

Per. going to his Door.]

So ho! within there.—

SCENE III.

Enter some Servants to them.

Per.

Conduct this Woman in.—

[One of the Ser∣vants takes her by the Hand]

But d'ye hear?

Serv.

What's your Pleasure, Sir?

Per.

Have a special care she ben't coupled wi'my Daughter, nor let her be seen by her. D'ye mind me? I'll have her into that little Room by her self.—There's vast difference between th'Education of a young Maid, and a Curtizan.

[Exeunt Servants with the Musick-woman.

SCENE IV.

Apecides and Periphanes.

Ape.

Spoken like a Man of Skill and Prudence. One can't be too careful of his Daughter's Honesty.—Faith, we nick'd the time for snapping this Girl out o' your Son's Clutches.

Per.

Why so?

Ape.

Because I heard one say, he saw him but just now.

Per.

I dare swear, he was just ready for his Bargain.

Ape.

Ay, Faith, sure enough.—Without doubt you've an admitable Servant, of great Value, and worth his weight in Gold. The poor Musick-Wench ne'r so much as dreamt o' being sold to you, he carry'd off the bus'ness wi'so much Mirth and Gayety.

Per.

I wonder i'my Heart how he did it.

Ape.

He flamm'd her off with a pretence o'your mak∣ing a Sacrifice for your Son's safe arrival.

Per.

That was well carry'd on.

Ape.

He made her believe he brought her only to serve at th'Office, you was t'have at home. All the while, I did as tho' I was a silly Clod-pated Ass, that cou'dn't say Bo to a Goose.

[Laughing.

Per.

You cou'd do no otherwise.

Ape.

I've a bus'ness of Importance at the Court: I must go and assist a Friend there.

Per.

Prethee, let's ha'your Company as soon as you're at leisure.

Ape.

I shall be back in a little Time.

[Exit Apecides.

SCENE. V.

Periphanes alone,

There's nothing like a good Friend always at ones Elbow. Then all your bus'ness is done for ye, with holding up your Finger. Now had I trusted the ma∣nagement o' this bus'ness to a Man o'less skill, and few∣er Brains, I shou'd ha'been finely bob'd, and my Son might well ha'made me his laughing Diversion.—

[Discovering the Rhodian Captain at a Distance]

What silly fellow's yon, who comes tossing and brandishing his Cloak so? But 'tis ridiculous i'me to blame others for a Folly I was so guilty of my self i'my young Days: when I was a Soldier o'Fortune, if I once set in, I us'd to deafen all Ears wi'the Stories o'my great Acts.

SCENE VI.

Enter the Rhodian Captain, strutting, and walking very stately, with his Servants.

Cap. to one of his Servants]

Have a care, Sirrah, you don't slip one House without enquiring for Periphanes the Platean; and presume not to come i'my presence be∣fore you've sped.

Per.

Suppose, Spark, I shew you the Person you want, what Thanks shall I deserve at your Hands?

Cap.

I've atchiev'd that by my great and mighty Va∣lour, that all Mankind ought to gi'me Thanks.

Per.

But, young Soldier, this is no proper place to publish your Achievements in, as you intend. For when a Man comes to brag of his Exploits before his Betters, they make but a poor shabby Figure.—But if you want Periphanes the Platean, I'm he.

Cap.

What he, so fam'd in his Youth at Kings Courts, who purchas'd an Estate with his single Sword?

Per.

The same, the bare naming of whose Exploits, wou'd make you take ye to your Heels, and run like a Devil.

Cap.

By Hercules, I more want a Man to relate mine to, than one to tell me his.

Per.

I tell ye, Spark, this is no fit Place; therefore you'd best pitch upon another Man, to pack off your Trumpery to.

Cap.

By your leave then; to let you know what I come for, I understand you've bought my Mistress.

Per. aside]

Ho, ho! Now I know my Gentleman; the very Captain Epidicus told m'of.—

[to him]

'tis very true, my little Soldier; I did buy a Woman.

Cap.

Then I've a Word or two to say t'ye, if it be no trouble t'ye.

Per.

Faith, I can't tell that, till I hear what 'tis.

Cap.

Then 'tis to let me have her, and I'll pay ye honestly for her.

Per.

A Bargain.

Cap.

But why shou'd I mince the matter? I intend to give her her Freedom, and make her Partner i'my Bed.

Per.

I'll make but two Words wi'ye. She cost me above sixscore Pounds, and for an hundred and fifty, you shall have her, and do what you please with her; provided you'll take her away wi ye, and rid the Coun∣try of her.

Cap.

Will ye sign, in good earnest?

Per.

To those Articles, I will.

Cap.

You've made an excellent Campaign on't.

Per. to the Servants within]

So ho, there! bring out this last Musick-Girl.—You shall have all her instru∣ments into the Bargain.

SCENE VII.

Enter the Musick-woman, with her Instruments, attended.

Per.

Here, Sir, take her, if you please.

Cap. Staring on her]

What a strange Frolick is this? Why these under hand Tricks tho? Why don't y'order the Musick-Girl to be brought out?

Per.

Why, this is she; i've no other.

Cap.

Po, you can't put Tricks upo' Travellers. Why don't ye produce her that's call'd Acropolistis?

Per.

I profess, this is she.

Cap.

But I profess, 'tis not: P'shaw, d'ye think I don't know m'own Mistress?

Per.

I declare this is the very same that my Son was so much stricken with.

Cap.

But it is not the same.

Per.

How! not the same?

Cap.

No.

Per.

Where a Devil did she come from then? As I hope to live, 'tis the same I bought and paid for.

Cap.

'Twas foolishly bestow'd, and a plaguy blunder this.

Per.

Certainly it must be she; for I sent m'own Ser∣vant to buy her, one who's acquainted wi'my Son's Amours.

Cap.

Hah! then, Old Gentleman, your own Servant has bubl'd ye confoundedly.

Per.

What! bubl'd me?

Cap.

Nothing, but only a suspicion. I see this Mu∣sick-girl is topp'd upon ye for th'other. Poor Old Fel∣low, thou'rt notoriously and damnably gull'd.

Per.

I'll find her out where ere she be.—Farewel Bluff.

[Exit the Captain and his Servants.

SCENE VIII.

Periphanes, and the Musick-woman.

Per. walking on one side of the Stage.]

So, so! thour't a brave Fellow, Epidicus, a brave Fellow, in troth; and hast got the day. Thour't a Man every inch o' thee; and hast led me by the Nose, as if I had been the meer∣est Nicompoop i' the World.—

[To Her]

Hark ye, did'nt Apecides buy ye to day, o' the Slave-Mer∣chant?

Mus.

I ne'r hear'd o' the Man till now; besides, I'm past being sold, and have had my Freedom above this five Years.

Per.

Why came ye hither then?

[Angrily.

Mus.

I'll tell ye, Sir.—I was brought hither to sing at a Sacrifice, an old Gentleman was t' offer.

Per. aside.]

I must own my self the poorest Sot in all

the Town and Country.—

[To Her.]

But d'ye know Acropolistis, the Musick-Girl?

Mus.

As well as my self.

Per.

Where dwells she?

Mus.

I can't tell at present, since she had her Freedom given her.

Per.

How, her Freedom? Who gav't her? I'd fain know that, if you cou'd tell me.

Mus.

Sir, what I know my self, I'll tell ye.—I hear'd young Stratippocles, rich Periphanes's Son, took care to get her freed in his absence.

Per.

'Sdeath, I must run my Country if all this be true.—'Tis notorious now, that Epidicus has squeas'd my Pockets most intollerably.

[Aside.

Mus.

This is what I was told.—Please ye to com∣mand me any further?

Per.

Yes, to get ye to the Devil as fast as you can, or out o' my sight.

[He snatches one of her Instruments.

Mus.

You'll gi' me my Instrument first?

Per.

No, neither your Fiddle nor Bagpipes neither.—

[He takes her other Instruments.]

Be gon in a moment, as you hope to sleep in a whole Skin.

Mus.

Well, I'll go; but I'll make the Devil to do, when I come back.

[Exit Musick Woman in a rage.

SCENE IX.

Periphanes gives the Instruments to his Servants, who leave him alone.

What's to be done now? Shall I who ha' sign'd so ma∣ny Warrants and Edicts, suffer this Rascal to go un∣punish'd? Were I to lose as much more, I'd sooner do't than pardon this palpable Affront, and notorious Villany. They've expos'd me t'all the World.—

But I was a Fool to think my self inferior to Apecides, who bares the reputation of inventing o' Laws, and setling o' Rights. He highly applauds his own Discre∣tion; but without doubt th' Axe must be preferr'd to the handle.

[Walks about discontentedly.

SCENE X.

Enter Philippa, at a good distance.

Phi. to her self.]

Sure there's no sort of Affliction, or Misery i' this World, but what I've undergone; so many Troubles fall upo' me at once, which overwhelm, and tear me all in pieces. Poverty, and Fears possess my Soul, and I've no ground for hopes.—My poor Girl's fallen into th' Enemies Hands; and I can hear no tale or tidings of her.

Per.

What Stranger can that be, who's so mightily full o' Fears, and heavy Complaints?

[Aside.

Phi. to her self.]

They said, Periphanes dwelt some∣where hereabouts.

Per.

She talks o' me: I fancy she wants Lodgings.

[Aside.

Phi. to her self.]

I'd willingly hire a Porter, to shew me either the Man or his House.

Per.

Certainly I must know her. I've seen that Face before, but I can't tell where.—Is't she, that I ima∣gine or no?

[Aside.

Phi. to her self.]

Bless me! I must ha' seen that Man before now.

[She stands still.

Per.

Sure enough 'tis the poor Woman of Epidaurus, I had formerly to do with,—

[Aside.

Phi. to her self.]

The Case is plain, 'tis he that first enjoy'd me at Epidaurus.

Per.

—And there had that Daughter by her, who's now at home wi' me.

[Aside.

Phi. to her self.]

What if I go up to him?

Per.

I don't well know whether I had best go see if it be she or no.

[Aside.

Phi. to her self.]

If it shou'dn't be he, as so many Years make me suspect,—

Per.

Length o' time makes me doubt o' the Person, and fills my Head wi' Scruples. For fear it shou'd prove otherwise, I must go cunningly to work.

[Aside.

Phi. to her self.]

—Then I must use all a Woman's Shifts.

Per.

I'll e'n up to her.

[Aside.

Phi. to her self.]

I'll fall into Discourse with him.

[Here they meet, and join Discourse.]

Per.

Good morrow t' ye, Mistress.

Phi.

I thank ye, Sir, both for me and mine.

Per.

How then, Mistress?

Phi.

A good day to you, Sir. There's your Com∣pliment return'd, you intrusted me withal.

Per.

I don't blame your Fidelity. Or indeed have I any Acquaintance wi' ye?

Phi.

If I ben't mistaken i' the Person, Sir, I can rub up your memory o' former Acquaintance.

Per.

Where did I ever see you?

Phi.

That's an unreasonable Question.

Per.

Why so, Mistress?

Phi.

Because you'd ha' me put a Gloss upo' your Me∣mory.

Per.

You're very sharp.

Phi.

No wonder for a Woman.

Per.

I dad, better and better?—D' ye remember me?

Per.

Very well.

Per.

In Epidaurus,—

Phi.

Ah, that Word has brought me to life again.

Per.

—In your young days, how I relieved yours and your Mother's Wants.

Phi.

Are you he, whose Love brought me so much Sorrow?

Per.

I am.—How dost thou do?

Phi.

Very well, and the better to see you so.

Per.

Your Hand, my dear.

[He takes her by the Hand.

Phi.

Take it; and with it, the most sorrowful, and miserable Woman alive.

Per.

What makes ye so sad?

Phi.

My poor Daughter, I had by you,—

Per.

What of her?

Ph.

———Since she's grown up, is lost: Fallen into th' Enemies Hands.

[weeps.

Per.

Chear up and be satisfied, I have her at home, safe and sound. As soon as my Servant told me she was taken Prisoner, I immediatly produc'd the Mony, and redeem'd her. He acquitted himself well and wisely i'this bus'ness; tho' he's a damnable Rogue in other things.

Phi.

Pray let me have a sight of her, if you'd ha'me live.

Per. going to his Door]

Ho Canthara! Bid my Daugh∣ter Thelestis come out; for here's her Mother.

Phi.

Now my Spirits begin to revive.

SCENE XI.

To them enter Acropolistis the Musick-Girl.

Acro.

Why did you send for me out, Sir Father?

Per.

To see thy nown Mother, Child.—Go and meet her, and give her a Kiss.

[to Philippa.

Acro.

What Mother?

Per.

She there, that's ready to dye for want of ye.

Phi.

Who's that you'd ha'me kiss?

Per.

Your Daughter.

Phi.

What this?

Per.

Yes.

Phi.

What kiss this Creature?

Per.

Why not, since she's your own Daughter?

Phi.

Sure you've lost your Senses.

Per.

I?

Phi.

Yes you, Sir.

Per.

Why so?

Phi.

Because I neither know this Creature, have had any Acquaintance, or so much as laid Eye on her till now.

Per.

I know whence comes your Mistake; she has got other Cloaths and Dresses, since you had her.

Phi.

All Creatures ha'their several ways of knowing their Young. But I declare I never knew this.

Per. aside.]

Heavens bless us all! What strange thing is this? Have I made my House a Bawdy-house? have I brought Strangers into't, who have suck'd up my Mo∣n•…•…?—Pray why did you kiss me, and call me Father? Why stand ye like a Mum-chance? What are ye tongue∣ty'd?

[to Acropolistis very angrily.

Acro.

What wou'd y' ha' me say?

Per.

She declares she's none o'your Mother.

Acro.

If she won't, she may let it alone. By Iago, I'll be my Mother's Daughter in spight of her Teeth. 'Tis n't fair Play to force her to be my Mother, whether she will or no.

Per.

But why a plague did ye call me Father?

Acro.

That's your Fault, not mine. Did I e'r call you Father, till you call'd me Daughter? And if she call'd me Daughter, I'd give her the Title o' Mother: But she disowns me for a Daughter, and I'll cast her off for a Mother. In short, I'm not to blame; I've only said as my Master Epidicus taught me.

Per.

Undone! I've pull'd an old House upo' my Head.

[Aside.

Acro.

Have I offended ye in any thing?

[Fawningly.

Per.

By Cocks nowns, call me Father again, and I'll break your Neck, you damn'd Bitch Whore.

Acro.

I'll obey ye, Sir. When e'r you've a Mind to be my Father, you may; if not, do as you please.

Phi.

What? Did you buy her, thinking she had been your Daughter? What tokens had you for't?

Per.

None.

Phi.

What made ye believe her to be our Child?

Per.

I had it from my Rogue Epidicus.

Phi.

Tho your Servant has been mistaken, I hope you know her again.

Per.

Know her, how shou'd I? when I ne'r saw her but once since she came into the World.

Phi.

I'm in a wretched condition

[She weeps.

Per.

Prethee, Woman, leave weeping; go in and chear up. I'll warrant ye find her out somewhere or other.

Phi.

'Twas a young Athenian Gentleman that bought her.

Per.

I'll find him out: Be satisfied. Go in, and guard this young Shipton, the Devil's Grand-child.—I'll leave all Works to go hunt out this Dog Epidicus. If I catch him, I'll put him past playing any more Rogues Tricks.

[Exeunt severally.

The End of the Fourth Act.