Plautus's comedies ... made English, with critical remarks upon each play.

SCENE II.

Epidicus appears at Cheribulus's Door.

Epi. to Stratippocles and Cheribulus within.]

St' St'! Silence! Courage, my Lads. Nothing but signs o' good luck. Then I've a plaguy sharp Lancet to breath the best Vein i'th' old Man's Purse.—

[Coming from the Door.]

O yonder's he.—Both th' old Bubles as I could wish, before Apecides's Door. Now will I turn Horse-leech, and suck out the Hearts Blood o' these old Fools, who pass for the prime Pillars o' the State.

Ape.

Marry him as soon as you can.

Per.

I like your Advice.

Ape.

I heard he was intangl'd with a Musick-Girl, but who I can't tell.

Per.

Ay, that goes to the Heart o' me.

Epi. overhearing them.]

In good Faith, I've th' Assist∣ance, Bounty and Love of all the Gods. For th' old Men ha' now open'd a Passage for my Tricks to make In∣cursions, and snub 'em o' their Mony.—About it then, Friend Epidicus, wrap thy short Cloak about thee, and pretend t'ha' been looking the whole Town for th' old Man: Do all with a jerk.—

[He throws his Cloak about him, and seems in vast haste.]

Bless my Soul! what wou'd I give to meet wi' my Master Peraphanes at home. I'm tyr'd off my Legs, wi' searching all the Town over for him, at the Surgeons, the Barbers, the Race-Ground, the Market, the Perfumers, the Armorers, and all the Bankers i' the Town.—I'm quite hoarse with asking, and was nigh breaking my Neck a hun∣dred times for haste.

Per.

Epidicus!

Epi.

Who calls Epidicus?

[Surlily.

Per.

I'm Periphanes.

Ape.

And I, Apecides.

Epi.

And, troth, I'm Epidicus.—O, Sir, I've met ye both i' the best time i' the World.

Per.

What's the matter?

Epi.

Hold.—Pray give me a little time to breath in—

Per.

Well, take time then.

Epi.

O my Heart!—Let me take breath—

Ape.

Come, rest your self.

Epi.

Now observe.—All the Troops that were marching to Thebes, are discharg'd, and sent home.—

Ape.

Who told you so?

Epi.

I affirm it to be true.

Per.

On your own Knowledge?

Epi.

Yes, Sir.

Per.

How came you to know't?

Epi.

Because I saw the Streets as full o' Soldiers as they cou'd pack, with all the Arms, and Horses.—

Per.

This is extreordinary indeed.

Epi.

Then they had a mort o' Prisoners, with Boys and Girls, some two, some three, and others five a piece. The People they all came thronging about 'em; every Body crowding to see their own Sons.

Per.

I faith, nothing cou'd be better.

Epi.

Then I believe the whole Corporation o' Cour∣tizans i' the City came in all i' their Finery, to meet their Gallants, and charm 'em with their presence: And, what was most observable, a great many of 'em wore Nets under their Scarfs. When I had got to the Haven, there I found her, attended by four several Mu∣sitians playing—

Per.

Who, Epidicus?

Epi.

She who your Son so many Years lov'd, and dy'd for; and is in a fair way to ruin his Riches and Reputation, his own self, and your Worship's self. She stood waiting for him at the Haven.

Per.

Damn'd Jilt!

Epi.

She was richly dress'd in her gold Lace, so neatly! so trimly! so modish!

Per.

How a duce was she dress'd then? With a Cloak, or a Robe, or had she a Milliner's Shop upon her back? There's variety enough.

Epi.

A Woman carry a whole Shop upon her back?

Per.

Where's the Wonder? You may daily meet these Creatures i' the Streets with Houses and Lands upo' their backs. When their Sparks are assess'd for the Taxes, they've no Mony; but freely pay their Contribu∣tions when they're tax'd by their Whores. What a con∣founded Jargon o' names do these Jades rake up every Year for their Habits? There's your light Mant pla∣ted, your Stiff-bodied-Gown, your Loose-Gown, your Night-Gown, your Riding-Gown, your Imbroider'd, and Speckl'd Gowns, Pane'd Works, and Plum'd Works, Petticoats, Hoods, Scarfs, Tours and Top-knots, Fingle-Fangles, and Gold-Bobs, with all the Colours o' the Rainbow, and Figures of all the Flowers, Birds, Beasts, Fishes, Flies, and Monsters, i'th' Universe. Nay some o' their Dresses make 'em look like Monkeys.

Epi.

What are those, Sir?

Per.

Your damn'd Night-Rails.—This plaguy Catalogue o' Names, often make their poor Cullies Pockets smoak for't.—But on wi' your Story.

Epi.

There stood two Women behind me, discour∣sing to themselves; upo' which, I gave way a little, and made as tho' I took no notice o' what they said. I cou'dn't hear every word perfectly, yet I'm sure I can't be mistaken i' the main.

Per.

I'd fain know what it was.

Epi.

Said one o' these Women to th' other,—

Per, interrupting]

What?

Epi.

Patience, Sir, and you'll hear all.—After they had cast their Eyes upo' your Son's Mistress. Good now, said one, What strange luck has this Creature,

t'have her Gallant immediately pay her Ransom? Her Gal∣lant, said th' other, why who's he? At that she nam'd young Stratippocles. rich Periphanes's Son.

Per. aside.]

As I live, I must run my Country.—

[To Epidicus]

but what's this you tell me?

Epi.

Nothing but the truth, Sir.—Upon hearing o' this Discourse, I began to creep nigher, and nigher to 'em, by degrees, as tho' I had been forc'd that way by the crowd.

Per.

Very well.

Epi.

But, said th' other agen, how know ye this? Who told ye so? Why, said she, there came a Letter to day from Stratippocles to her, to let her know he had taken up the Mony of a Banker at Thebes, had it in his Hands, and was bringing it home for that purpose.

Per.

So then.—All's lost.

[Aside.

Epi.

She said, she had it from her own Mouth, and saw the Letter.

Per.

How shall I do i' this case? I must ha' your ad∣vice, Neighbour.

Ape.

We must find out some effectual, and cunning Expedient; for, troth, I verily believe, he'll be here shortly, if he ben't already.

Epi.

Might I presume, t' instruct ye, I'd shew ye such a clever way as you'd both approve of, or I'm much mistaken.—

Per.

And what's that, honest Epidicus!

Epi.

And you'll say 'tis pat for the purpose.

Ape.

Why d'ye keep us in suspence then?

Epi.

Because you, who are wisest, ought to be heard first; I, afterwards.

Ape.

Po, let's hear't.

Epi.

No, you'll laugh at me.

[Fawningly.

Ape.

Faith, but we won't.

Epi.

If ye like this Project, you may follow't; if not, another may be sought for. For my part, I'm neither Inventor, nor Promoter of't, any further than to serve you.

Per.

I thank ye for that—Prithee let's hear your Contrivance.

Epi.

'Tis to chuse a Wife for your Son immediately, and take a swinging Revenge upo' this Musick-Wench he's now upon freeing, and so strangely debauches him: Then t' order Matters so as to make her a Slave as long as he lives.

Ape.

That's right as can be.

Per.

I'd do any thing to have it speedily brought about.

Epi.

Why, truly, now's the time to do't, before he comes home: 'Twill be to Morrow before he comes to Town, and not to day.

Per.

How know ye that?

Epi.

Very well, Sir. I saw one that came from him, who said he wou'd be here to Morrow Morning.

Per.

Well, but go on: What must we do next?

Epi.

This is my Opinion; that you ransom this Mu∣sick-Girl, as tho' you had a mind to her, and was mightily stricken with her your self.

Per.

And what of all that?

Epi.

What? You may buy her out o' your Son's Hands, before he returns, and pretend 'tis to give her her Freedom.

Per.

Well, I understand ye.

Epi.

When you've once got her into your Hands, you may remove her t' any by Place from the City, if you think it so convenient.

Per.

I'm clearly o' that mind.

Epi.

What say you, Sir!

[To Apecides.

Ape.

What shou'd I? 'Tis a notable cunning Contri∣vance, I think.

Epi.

By this means, you'll cut off all your Sons hopes o' marrying her; and bring him to compliance at plea∣sure.

Ape.

Thour't a cunning Rogue, and pleasest me strangely.

Epi.

Sir, what you're about, requires expedition.

Per.

Very true, indeed.

Epi.

I've a Trick too, that the Merchant shan't smell your Designs.

Per.

Let's hear't.

Epi.

So you shall.—Observe.

Ape. Aside to Periphanes.]

This is the craftiest Son of a Whore.

Epi.

I'm affraid we shall want one to pay the Mony for this Wench. For 'twon't be so convenient for you to go your self.

Per.

Why so?

Epi.

Lest the Merchant suspect you buy her upo' your Sons account,—

Per.

Very right.

Epi.

—To hinder him of his Mistress; and so his Suspicions may chance to cross your Designs.

Per.

Where shall we find one proper to manage this Business?

Epi.

This Gentleman is the fittest i'the World. He understands a Bargain to a Tittle, and has the Law at his Fingers ends.

Per.

Epidicus, I gi' ye Thanks.

Epi.

And I'll endeavour to deserve 'em: I'll find out the Master o' the Musick-Girl, carry the Mony with the Gentleman, and bring her to ye.

Per.

What's the lowest price of her?

Epi.

The lowest price? Perhaps you may get her for a hundred Pounds. But if you send too much, it shall be return'd faithfully. There can be no Cheat in't; and your Mony won't lye dead ten days, I'm sure.

Per.

How so?

Epi.

Because there's another young Spark has a Months mind to this Wench, a Rhodian Captain, vastly rich, a stout Soldier, a terrible Fellow, and a grand Braggadocio. He'll certainly take her off your Hands, and pay ye ready Mony with all his Heart. Do but

venture upon her, and you may gain the Lord knows what by the Bargain.

Per.

Heavens grant I may.

Epi.

Don't question it.

Ape.

Will you go in, Sir, and bring out the Mony? I'll away to the Piazza; and be sure, Epidicus, do you meet me there.

Epi.

Don't ye go from thence, before I come.

Ape.

I'll stay for ye there.

Per.

Come in, Epidicus.

Epi.

Go in, Sir, and draw over your Mony, I shan't make 'ye stay.

[Exeunt Apecides and Periphanes severally.