Plautus's comedies ... made English, with critical remarks upon each play.

SCENE I.

Enter Thesprion, wrapt up in his Cloak, in great haste; and immediately after, Epidicus, who catches hold of him.

Epi.

STay, young Man.

Thes.

Who's that puls me by the Cloak, when I'm in such haste.

Epi.

A Friend.

Thes.

So it seems. But you're a plaguy impertinent one.

Epi.

Open your Eyes, Thesprion.

Thes. turning about]

Bless me! Epidicus, is't you?

Epi.

You may trust your Eyes for once.

Thes.

O, good morrow t'ye.

Epi.

And a good Day to you. Well-come home with all my Heart.

Thes.

Well, and what next?

Epi.

Why next, Boy, I'll present ye with a Treat, according to th'usual Custom.

Thes.

Upon Honour then—

Epi.

What?

Thes.

—I'll accept of't, if you do.

Epi.

Well but how d'ye? How fares your Corps?

Thes.

My Face is a Sample o'that.

Epi.

Now I have ye, rare Rogue! thou'rt got to be fatter, and in better plight than ever.

Thes.

Ay, Thanks to this thriving Hand—

holding up his Hand.

Epi.

—Which ought t'ha' been cut off long since.

Thes.

Pshaw, I'm grown more honest than formerly.

Epi.

How so?

Thes.

Because I steal more openly.

Epi.

A duce on ye, for setting such plaguy large Strides. As soon as I laid Eye on ye at the Port, I ran like a Race-Horse, but cou'd n't come up wi'ye for my Guts, till now.

Thes.

Po, you're a puny Town-Chitterlin.

Epi.

You're a hectoring Camp-Bully, I know.

Thes.

'Tis a little scurrilous, but speak your Plea∣sure.

Epi.

Ha'ye been well e're since you went, what say ye?

Thes.

Off and on—

Epi.

—The Wooden Horse, you mean. O, I hate that damn'd Variety most mortally.

Thes.

Why, I told ye nothing but Truth.

Epi.

Come, answer me me sincerely.—What's be∣come of our Master's Son? How does he do?

Thes.

Lusty, and strong as Hercules.

Epi.

Now you've told me the joyfullest News i'the World: But where is he?

Thes.

He came along wi'me.

Epi.

How so? unless you brought him home i'your Knapsack, or else in your Pocket.

Thes.

O hang ye.

Epi.

Or you:—I must examine you; hear me, and you shall be heard i'your turn.

Thes.

The very Words of a Judge, in truth.

Epi.

It becomes my Gravity.

Thes.

You don't pretend to be Lord Chief Iustice, d'ye?

Epi.

Why, d'ye know a more honourable Person in Town than I?

Thes.

But, Old Boy, you want one Accoutrement to your Office.

Epi.

Prethee what's that?

Thes.

Your Beadles, with their Staffs for your Ho∣nour's Pate.

Epi.

You're a damn'd Rogue.—But what's your Answer?

Thes.

To what Question, pray?

Epi.

What's become o'my Master Stratippocles's Arms?

Thes.

Faith, faln into th' Enemy's Hands.

Epi.

His Arms?

Thes.

They went away with a Whip.

Epi.

Don't ye banter now?

Thes.

Troth, I'm in earnest. They have 'em in pos∣session.

Epi.

Mary, 'twas a plaguy Business.

Thes.

Po, Achilles, and others ha'done the same be∣fore him. I'll warrant ye 'twill redound to his Ho∣nour.

Epi.

As how, I beseech ye?

Thes.

For following such noble Examples.

Epi.

Troth, I believe Vulcan made his Arms for him; they were so plaguy quick in going over to th'Enemy. If our Son o'Thetis has lost his, the kind Nereads will bring him more. But then he must be sure to supply th'Armorers wi'Stuff and Materials, if e'r he hopes to be plunder'd every Campaign.

Thes.

Come, adone wi'this Discourse.

Epi.

That's as your Worship pleases.

Thes.

Leave impertinant Questions.

Epi.

But tell me, where's my Master Stratippocles?

Thes.

There's a certain reason why he daren't come wi'me.

Epi.

Prethee what is't?

Thes.

He has no desire to be seen of his Father.

Epi.

Why so?

Thes.

I'll tell ye.—He has brought out o'the Plunder,

a young Captive Lass, fair and sprightly, who seems of a good Family.

Epi.

What's this I hear?

Thes.

The same that comes from my Mouth,

Epi.

What did he buy her for?

Thes.

Because he had a mind to her.

Epi.

And how many Minds has this Creature got? I'm sure, before he went to the Campaign, he left me in charge to buy him a Musick-Girl, he lov'd, of a cer∣tain Slave-Merchant, and I've executed his Orders.—

Thes.

Just as the Wind blows, my Friend, so you must furl your Sails.

Epi.

Alas! I'm broke all in pieces!

Thes.

How; why so?

Epi.

But—what did this Lass cost?

Thes.

Little enough.

Epi.

That's none o'my Question.

Thes.

What then?

Epi.

How many Pounds?

Thes.

So many

[Holding up his Fingers.

Epi.

What, a hundred Pounds?

Thes.

Which he took up of a Banker at Thebes, and gives him above a Groat i'the Pound Interest for every Day he has it.

Epi.

Lamentable!

Thes.

The Banker's come over with him, and de∣mands the Mony.

Epi.

Bless me? I'm ruin'd to the Devil and all.

Thes.

How so? What's the matter, my Friend?

Epi.

He has lost me.

Thes.

Who has.

Epi.

The Gentleman who lost his Arms.

Thes.

But why so?

Egi.

Why, he was continually dunning me wi' Letters from th'Army, to—

[Aside]

But mum for that. 'Tis better for a Slave to set his Ears on work, than his Tongue; that's the wisest course by half.

Thes.

Troth, I can't imagine why you tremble so. Poor Epidicus, thou'rt in a sad pickle: guilty o' some damnable bus'ness i'my Absence, and thy very looks betray thee.

Epi.

Prethee, don't tease me so.

Thes.

I'll be gone then.

Epi.

Stay, you shan't go yet.

[He holds him.

Thes.

Why, not yet?

Epi.

But is he really in love with the Girl he bought?

Thes.

A pretty Question!—up to the Ears, Man.

Epi.

Then my poor Back must smart for't.

Thes.

He loves her better than ever he did you.

Epi.

And let the Devil love you.

Thes.

Prethee leave that subject,—He charg'd me not to go home to his Fathers, but directly to Cherib•…•…∣lus's here, till he came there himself.

Epi.

Why so?

Thes.

Because he wou'd n't so much as meet, or see his Father, till he had clear'd all with his Banker.

Epi.

This is Hell upon Earth!

Thes.

Now let me go and meet him.

Epi.

What will th'old Man say, when he comes to know o'this? However, let's fall nobly, with our Swords in our Hands.

Thes.

Fall how you please, what's that to me?

Epi.

I'll not fall singly; I shall desire the same Civi∣lity o'you too, as one Friend wou'd of another.

Thes.

Wou'd Old Nick had you and your Projects too.

Epi.

Go then, if you be in such plaguy haste.

Thes.

If it be so, I ne'r met with a more easie parting.

[Exit Thesprion.