Plautus's comedies ... made English, with critical remarks upon each play.

SCENE III.

Mercury appears above, crown'd with a Garland, and pretending to be drunk.

Mer.

Who's at the Door?

Amp.

'Tis I.

Mer.

I; what I?

Amp.

I, I tell ye.

[Knocking again.

Mer.

Sure the Devil and his Dam has possest ye, for bouncing at our Doors.

Amp.

How?—

Mer.

So, as to make y' a poor Rogue as long as you've a day to live.

Amp.

Socia!

Mer.

That's my Name indeed; except you think I've lost my Memory.—What's your Bus'ness?

Amp.

Rascal, ha' ye th' Impudence t' enquire after my Bus'ness?

Mer.

Yes marry have I.—Why, you Blockhead, you've almost thrown the Door off the Hinges. D'ye think our Doors are made at the publick Charge?—What makes ye stare so, Bufflehead? What's your Busi∣ness, I say? And who are ye?

Amp.

Varlet, how dare y' ask such a Question? Thou cursed branded Rogue! As I'm a living Soul, I'll drub ye to some tune for all your Sauciness?

Mer.

Certainly you must ha' been a prodigal Dog in your time.

Amp.

Why so, Sirrah?

Mer.

Because i'your old Days you're forc'd to come begging to me for a Beating.

Amp.

Thy Back, Slave, shall soundly pay for all this.

Mer.

Then I shall sacrifice—

Amp.

What?

Mer.

Something to your Worships Pa•…•…e.

Amp.

You, Jail-bird?—If I live and do well, I'll hang y' up by the heels, wi' your Skin stripp'd o'e•…•… your Ears, and make a Sacrifice o' you.—Out o' your Castle, you cursed Rascal.

Mer.

Poor Phantom, dost think to fright me wi' big Words?—But if you don't take ye to your Heels quickly, or offer to knock, or touch the Door with a finger, I'll hit ye such a douce o' the Chaps wi' this Tile, as shall dash out your Teeth and Tongue toge∣ther.

[Holding up a Tile.

Amp

Damn'd Villain, Will ye shut m' out o' m' own House? and keep me from knocking at m' own Door? I'll make the Doors fly presently.

[He bounces at the Door.

Mer.

D'ye persist, Sirrah?

Amp.

Yes, Rogue.

Mer.

Have at your Corps then.

He throws down a Tile upon him.

Amp.

Cursed Slave, throw upo' your Lord and Master? If I do once lay hands on ye, I'll make ye a perpetual Example t' all Rogues.

Mer.

Y' ought to get your Brains clear'd, y' old Fool!

Amp.

Why, Sirrah?

Mer.

For calling me your Servant.

Amp.

What if I do?

Mer.

Then you'd better be hang'd; for I own no Master but Amphitryon.

Amp. aside, looking upon himself.]

Sure I ha'n't lost my Shape? I'm startl'd at Socia's denying me. But I'll try him further.—

[To him.]

Hark ye, tell me, whom do I seem? Is't not plain that I'm Amphitryon?

Mer.

Amphitryon? A Mad-man rather Didn't I tell ye, Old Fool, that your Brains shou'd be clear'd, when y' ask'd others who y'are.—Begone, I advise ye, and make no Disturbance here, for my Lord Amphitryon's just come home from the Campaign, and retir'd with his Lady to Bed.

Amp.

What Lady?

Mer.

Alcmena.

Amp.

But what Man is't?

Mer.

How often must I tell ye?—My Lord Am∣phitryon. Trouble us no further.

Amp.

Who do's he lye with?

Mer.

Have a care your fooling wi' me don't bring an old House upo' your Head.

Amp.

Nay, good Socia, tell me that.

Mer.

Now you're a Peg lower.—With Alemena then.

Amp.

Lye with her?

Mer.

Ay, I think so; and upon her too.

Amp.

I'm a lost Man.

Mer.

What he calls Loss, is clear Gains. For, to let out ones Wife, is as good as farming out a barren piece o' Ground to good Husbandmen.

[Aside.

Amp.

Socia!

Mer.

What a plague mean ye by Socia?

Amp.

Don't ye know me, Slave?

Mer.

Yes, for an impertinent quarrelsome Coxcomb.

Amp.

Still i' that vein?—Am not I thy Master Amphitryon?

Mer.

Some Tom a Bedlam I think, not Amphitryon. How often must I tell ye so? Wou'd ye hea•…•…'t once more? My Master Amphitryon's now at Bed with Alc∣mena.—Stay here any longer, I'll send him out with a Devil t'ye.

Amp.

That I'd fain see.—Pray Heaven my publick Services ben't rewarded wi' loss o' Country, House, Wife, Family, and Shape too.

[Aside.

Mer.

I'll send him t'ye; but i' the mean time retire a while. For I believe the Sacrifice is ready, and they'll to Dinner presently. But if you chance to be imper∣tinent, you'll go nigh to be sacrific'd your self.

[Mercury retires.