Plautus's comedies ... made English, with critical remarks upon each play.

ACT II.

SCENE I.

Enter Amphitryon and Socia at the farther End of the Stage, with several Prisoners bound.

Amp. entring.]

COme Sirrah, follow me.

[Angrily.

Soc.

That I will, and close at your Heels.

Amp.

Thou'rt the most villanous Rascal!

Soc.

Why, good Sir?

Amp.

For venting such Stuff, that neither is, was, or can be true.

Soc.

Marry, Sir, you keep to your laudable Custom o' never believing your own Servants.

Amp.

How, Sirrah, what Custom?—By Heaven I shall snip that rascally Tongue o'yours.

Soc.

I'm your Slave, Sir, and you may use me accor∣ding to your Pleasure and Conveniency. But I've spoke nothing but Truth, and you can't make me eat my Words.

Amp.

You impudent Dog, didn't ye say you were at home and here at the same time?

Soc.

'Twas nothing but truth, Sir.

Amp.

The Devil!—take ye, or I'll kick ye to him.

Soc.

I'm i'your Power, and must bear it if ye do.

Amp.

Slave, dare ye put Tricks upo' your Master? Ha' ye th' Impudence to face down that which never

Man saw, or can see? Is't possible for a Man to be here and there at the same time?

Soc.

Faith, Sir, just as I tell ye.

Amp.

The Devil lye ye for a Rogue.

Soc.

How have I deserv'd this at your hands?

Amp.

How, Rascal, when you make me your May∣game?

Soc.

If I did, I shou'd justly deserve it. But really, Sir, 'tis no Lye; I tell ye nothing but plain matter o' Fact.

Amp.

The Fellow's drunk, I think.

Soc.

Troth, wou'd I were.

Amp.

You've that Wish already.

Soc.

I, Sir?

Amph.

Yes, you.—Where ha'ye been drinking?

Soc.

Not a drop have I drunk to day.

Amp.

What manner o'Man was this—

Soc.

Troth I told ye ha'f a score times.—I say, Sir, I Socia am now at home; (d'ye mind?) and the same numerical Socia am here too. Now, Sir, I think I've made Things as plain and clear as the Sun.

Amp.

Plague!—Out o' my Sight.

Soc.

Why, Sir?

Amp.

Y'are infected.

Soc.

Why d'ye think so? Truly, Sir, I'm pretty well in Body and Mind, thank God.

Amp.

As sure as you're a Rogue, I shall make ye a little worse in Body and Mind, i•…•… I get once well in.—Come along, Rogue, you that abuse your Master wi' such Stuff as would make a Dog sick to hear it. Because you shamefully neglected your Business, you come im∣pudently to jeer me with impossible and unheard of Stories, you Rascal. But I'll have every Lye mark'd out upon your Back.

Soc

This, Sir, is the greatest Plague in the World to a good Servant; whenever he tells his Master the Truth, he must ha't ramm'd down his Throat.

Amp.

How a plague could this be? Give me some reasonable Proof of your being here and at home too: I'd fain see that.

Soc.

Really, Sir, I am both here and there too. A Body wou'd think it plaguy strange. But, I'll swear, it can't be more strange to you, than 'tis to me, Sir.

Amp.

How d'ye mean?

Soc.

I only say 'tis not more strange to you than me. For let me be hang'd, if this same Me-Socia believ'd a word of it, till that same I-Socia beat it into my Head. He gave me such a particular Account of all that pass'd in the Army this Campaign; then he had got my very Shape and Name, so that two drops of Water are not more alike than t'other I to Me.—For when you, my Lord, sent me betimes in the Morning from the Port,—

Amp.

What then?

Soc.

—I came to the Door a good while before I arriv'd.

Amp.

'Sdeath what Stuff's this?—Are ye quite mad?

Soc.

Just as you see me, Sir.

Amp.

The Fellow's bewitch'd, and fallen into some ill hands, since I sent him away.

Soc.

Ill hands indeed; for their Fists have maul'd me confoundedly.

[Shews his Face swell'd.

Amp.

Who beat ye so?

Soc.

T'other I beat Me.

Amp.

Sirrah, answer me nothing but what I ask.—First let me know who this same Socia is.

Soc.

He's your Servant.

Amp.

Mine? I've one too many by you; but ne're had another Servant Socia since I was born.

Soc.

But now, Sir, I promise to shew ye another So∣cia as soon as you get in, a Servant of yours, Son of Da∣vus, of my Shape, and my Age. In fine, your Socia's become double.

Amp.

These are all Riddles.—But saw ye my Wife?

Soc.

I was not permitted to enter the House.

Amp.

What hinder'd ye?

Soc.

That same He-Socia I've been talking of; he who so belabour'd me.

Amp.

What He-Socia do ye mean?

Soc.

I tell ye I. How often must I tell it?

Amp.

Hark ye, Friend, ha'n't you been sleeping the while?

Soc.

Not a Wink, Sir.

Amp.

Perhaps you saw this Socia in a Dream?

Soc.

I ne're us'd to dream out my Master's Com∣mands. Awake, I saw him; awake, I see you; awake, I talk; and awake I was, when that waking Dog beat me.

Amp.

What Dog?

Soc.

That I-He-Socia, I tell ye. Lord, can't ye un∣derstand me?

Amp.

How a plague shou'd a Man understand this ridiculous Banter?

Soc.

You'll immediately know—

Amp.

What?

Soc.

—Your other Socia, my Partner.

Amp.

Follow me then; for first I'll ha' this Busi∣ness clear'd.—See that all Things be brought from our Vessel as I order'd.

Soc.

I'm as diligent and careful t'obey you as possi∣ble. I have not swallow'd your Commands wi' my Drink.

Amp.

Pray Heaven, all this don't prove true.

SCENE II.

Enter Alcmena, attended with Thessala, on the other side of the Stage.

Alc.

How poor and short are this Life's Pleasures, if once compar'd with the Sorrows we endure? 'Tis Mans Destiny, and Heavens Pleasure, to mix our Joys with bitter Potions; and for some few Hours of Satisfaction, we meet with Ages of Ills and Troubles. I now expe∣rience it, and my self's a plain Witness of this: How short was this last Pleasure! I had the Privilege of one Nights Company with my Lord; and then, snatch'd away before the Morning. Methinks I'm the most desolate of Widows i'th' Absence o' the Man I love 'bove all the World; and his Departure carries more of my Soul away, than his Arrival brought with it: However this joys my Heart, to see him Victorious o'er his dread∣ful Foes, and laden with Honours; 'tis that I live upon. He's gone; but since he returns with deserved Glory, I'll patiently bear his Absence, with all the Firmness and Courage of a Woman; and shall think my Troubles well rewarded, in a Husband crown'd with the Name of Conqueror. For Valour's of all Rewards the great∣est; preferable to all Things else; the sole Defender and Protector of our Liberties, Safeties, Lives, Estates, Parents, Countries, and Children. Valour carries all Vertues in it self, and all Perfections still attend the Valiant Man.

Amp.

Heavens! how welcome shall I be to my Alc∣mena's Arms, where both our Loves are mutual; espe∣cially after such a famous Victory, beyond all Expecta∣tions, routing 'em in the first Battel by my own Com∣mand and Conduct. Certainly she'll be very impa∣tient for my Return.

Soc.

How, Sir? D'ye think my Spouse won't be eve∣ry whit as impatient for mine?

Alc. discovering them.]

O, my Lord's come!

Amp.

Keep close, Sirrah.

Alc.

But why should he come back, when he seem'd in such haste? Was it only a Tryal? If his Design be to see how I could relish his Departure, truly he shall be welcome however.

Soc. starting back.]

O, good Sir, we had better return to our Vessel.

Amp.

Why so?

Soc.

We shall ha' nothing to eat here.

Amp.

How came that into your Head?

Soc.

Because Dinner's over already.

Amp.

How so?

Soc.

Why there's your Lady has din'd, by her Belly.

Amp.

Po, Blockhead, I left her wi' Child when I went to the Campaign.

Soc.

Then woe to poor Socia.

Amp.

What's the matter?

Soc.

I'm come home in the nick of time to be wor∣ry'd to death with drawing Water for her Bath; for, according to your Account, she's just upon laying down.

Amp.

Pluck up a good Heart.

Soc.

Do ye know what a Heart I've got? For if once I begin to manage the Bucket, Faith, Sir, I'm the very'st Rogue upon Earth, if I don't draw out the Hearts blood of the Well.

Amp.

Come along, I'll have another for that Em∣ployment; fear nothing.

Alc.

I think, I shall better shew my Respects if I go and meet him.

[Here they meet, and joyn Discourse.]

Amp. embracing Alcmena.]

Oh, how I'm charm'd to find my Alcmena in these longing Arms! whom I count beyond Comparison in Thebes, and the World counts a

Patern of all Vertue.—How has't been wi' ye, all this time? Did not ye long for my Return, my Dear?

Soc.

I see no wonderful Signs o' longing. I'm sure no body can out-fawn a Dog.

[Aside.

Amp.

I'm extreamly glad to find ye so well, just up∣on your lying down.

Alc.

In the Name of Goodness, my Lord, why should you play upon me thus? You complement as if you had not seen me lately, but were just come from the Army; and accost me like one long absent from his Wife.

Amp.

True indeed; till now I had no sight of ye.

Alc.

What makes ye say so?

Amp.

'Tis my Custom to speak Truth.

Alc.

You don't do well to break so good a Custom. But is it for a Tryal of my Love?—Raillery apart; why so soon return'd? Was it some ill Omen, or Wea∣ther, that stay'd your going to your Army, as you late∣ly told me?

Amp.

Lately! How lately could that be?

Alc.

Have ye any Design in that Question?—Very lately, just now, but a moment since.

Amp.

Pray how is it possible, as you say, to be so lately, and but a moment since?

Alc.

D'ye think, my Lord, I'd so meanly trifle as you do, when you pretend you were not here, and left me but just now?

Amp.

She seems much discompos'd.

[Aside to Socia.

Soc.

A little Patience, Sir, till she has slept out her sleep.

Amp.

D'ye dream with your Eyes open?

Alc.

No, by my Soul, I'm throughly awake; and without dreaming, tell you all that pass'd: For I saw ye both, this Morning before Day-light.

Amp.

At what Place?

Alc.

Your own House.

Amp.

I ne're was there.

Soc.

Do'nt be too positive, Sir; our Vessel, perhaps, brought us from the Port, and we all asleep.

Amp.

Ha' you got into the same Vein too?

[Angrily.

Soc.

What wou'd y'ha'me do, Sir? Don't ye know th' old Saying, Cross a Madman, and he's the Devil; hu∣mour him, and 'tis as good as Physick.

Alc.

Hah, Rogue!—

Amp.

Truly 'tis but reasonable to shew some Anger, since she ga' me so cold a Welcome.

[Aside to Socia.

Soc.

You'd as good piss in a Bee Hive.

Amph.

Hold your Tongue.—Alcmena, answer me one Question.

Alc.

What Question? Let's hear't.

Amp.

Is't Madness or Pride that has infected ye?

Alc.

How came such a Question into your Head, my Lord?

Amp.

Because i' my former Journeys y'us'd to receive me as all other vertuous Wives do: But now I meet with a quite different Welcome.

Alc.

As I hope to live, yesterday I receiv'd y' as a Wife ought, my Lord; enquir'd after your Health, press'd your hand, and met ye with a Kiss.

Soc.

Did ye speak to my Lord yesterday, Madam?

Alc.

And to you too, Socia.

Soc.

My Lord, I was in hopes o' your Honour's ha∣ving an Heir; but o'my Conscience your Lady's not big with Child.

Amp.

With what then?

Soc.

With Fool.

Alc.

Truly I've no such Distemper, as I hope for a safe Deliverance.—But if my Lord wou'd but gi' ye your due, Mr. Fortune Teller, you'd soon reap the mis∣chievous Fruits o' your sawcy Predictions.

Soc.

Yes, Madam, there are Fruits too, of Lying-in Women, and Fruits too, to strengthen their Hearts, and keep 'em from swooning.

Amp.

You see me here yesterday?

Alc.

I say I did, if you must needs ha't so often.

Amp.

In a Dream, perhaps.

Alc.

Nay, we were both awake as possible.

Amp.

Mercy upon me!

Soc.

What's the matter, Sir?

Amp.

My Wife's mad.

Soc.

She's melancholly, and that's the high Road to't.

Amp.

When found ye the rise o' this Disease, Alcmena?

Alc.

Upo' my Soul I ne're was better, and sounder i' my Life.

Amp.

Why then d'ye pretend t' ha' seen me yesterday, when I put into Port but last night? There supp'd, and lodg'd all night i'the Vessel. I ne're set foot in Thebes since the Teleboan Expedition, till now we conquer'd.

Ac.

'Twas me you supp'd with, and me you lay with.

Amp.

What say ye?

Alc.

Nothing but truth.

Amp.

By Heaven not i'this; in other things, I know not.

Alc.

Betimes i'the morning you went to your Army.

Amp.

How can all this be?

Soc.

Very right; she tells her Dream as 'tis fresh in memory.—But, Madam, Iove, the Disperser o' such Prodigies, ought t' have had his Cake, or his Incense offer'd this Morning.

[Ieeringly.

Alc.

How sawcily the Fellow snaps me up; and you suffer him.

Amp.

Leave your prating, Sirrah.—You say I left ye betimes i' the morning?

[To Alcmena.

Alc.

Who else cou'd tell me the Particulars o' the Battel?

Amp.

And heard ye o' that too?

Alc.

Why truly 'twas you told me how you storm'd their chief Town, and slew King Pterelas wi' your own hands.

Amp.

I tell ye so?

Alc.

Yes, you; Socia heard ye.

Amp.

Did you hear me tell any such thing, Socia?

Soc.

Where shou'd I hear't?

Amp.

Nay, let her tell ye that.

Soc.

Troth, Madam, I ne're was present at any such Relation, as I know of.

Alc.

No wonder if he says as you'd have him.

Amp.

Come hither, Socia; look o' my Face—

Soc.

I do, Sir.

Amp.

Now speak the truth without the least Flattery. Did you hear me tell her one word o' what she pretends?

Soc.

Bless me! ha' you your Senses too, and ask such a Question? Faith, Sir, this is the first time I saw ye together.

Amp.

Now, Madam, d'ye hear what he says?

Alc.

Yes indeed, and know't to be false.

Amp.

What, believe neither Servant nor Husband?

Alc.

Neither; because o' such Evidence, and the cer∣tainty o' what I affirm.

Amp.

D'y'affirm my Arrival yesterday?

Alc.

D'ye deny your Departure this Morning?

Amp.

I do; and protest this is my first Appearance.

Alc.

Good now, and you'll deny you ga' me the Golden Cup too, which you say was there presented ye?

Amp.

Upon Honour, I neither gave it nor said it. 'Tis true, I was so design'd, and am still.—But pray who told ye o' that?

Alc.

Your self was both Teller and Giver.

Amp.

Hold, hold, I beseech ye.—This is amazing, Socia, that she shou'd know o' my being presented wi' this Cup. Except you saw her, and told her all.

Soc.

Let me be hang'd if I e're told, or saw her till now.

Amp.

What Woman's that?

[Looking on Thessala.

Alc.

Wou'd y' ha' the Cup produc'd?

Amp.

By all means.

Alc.

It shall then.—Thessala, step into my Cham∣ber for the Golden Cup my Lord ga'me this Morning.

Exit Thessala.

SCENE III.

Amphitryon, Alcmena, Socia, and Prisoners.

Amp.

Come this way, Socia.—

[They walk a little on one side.]

Really, if she has the Cup, the Mystery will be ten times greater to me.

[Socia takes out a Casket from under his Cloak.]

Soc.

Can ye suppose that, when I've got it here i'the Casket seal'd wi' your own Signet.

Amp.

Is the Seal whole?

Soc.

Look, Sir, to be sure.

[Holding it up.

Amp.

Just, as I sign'd it.

[Looking.

Soc.

Pray, Sir, must we deal wi' my Lady as a Per∣son crack'd brain?

Amp.

I' faith, and so we had need. For upo' my word she's over-run with Extravagancies.

SCENE IV.

To them Thessala with a Golden Cup.

Alc.

What need o' Words? Here's Demonstration! look ye.

Amp.

Pray let's see't.

[He takes it out and looks on't.

Alc.

Come, view it well, you who so obstinately de∣ny matter o' Fact; and be convinc'd before all the World.—Is n't it the same you were presented with?

Amp.

O Heavens! Where are my Eyes? The very same upon Honour. I'm all in Confusion, Socia.

[Returns the Cup.

Soc.

Marry, here must be damnable Witchcraft, or the Cup's here still.

Amp.

Come, break open the Casket.

Soc.

Why shou'd I break it open? the Seal's firm; and makes well for us.—You, my Lord, has brought

forth another Amphitryon; I, another Socia; now, if the Cup has engender'd too, we're all three double.

Amp.

I'll ha't broke open, and look'd into.

Soc.

Hold, Sir, look o' the Seal once more, that after∣wards I mayn't be brought in for Burglary.

Amphitry∣on looks.

Amp.

Open it quickly; she'll run us down, and think us mad else.

Alc.

Where think ye I shou'd ha' this, but from you who ga' me't?

Amp.

That's my business to enquire into.

[Socia opens it.

Soc. starting.]

Heaven ha' mercy upo' my Soul!

Amph.

What ails the Fellow?

Soc.

The Cup's flown out o' the Nest.

Amp.

What say ye?

Soc.

Nothing but truth.

Amp.

An unlucky truth to you, if it be gone.

Alc.

Why here 'tis apparently.

[Holding it up.

Amp.

Who gave't ye?

Alc.

The same who asks the Question.

Soc.

You're upo' the catch, my Lord. You stole slyly out o' the Ship some back-way, with the Cup, pre∣sented it to my Lady, then privately seal'd up the Casket again.

Amp.

Hah! you sooth her in her Madness too.—But once more, do y' affirm I was here yesterday?

Alc.

I do; and, at our first Enterview, saluted each other, and met with a Kiss.

Amp. aside.]

I cou'd ha' spar'd that Kindness.—

[To her.]

Proceed.

Alc.

You bath'd your self.

Amp.

What next?

Alc.

Sat down at the Table.

Soc.

Ha, ha, best of all! now Catechise her, Sir.

Amp.

Don't interrupt, Sirrah.—On wi' your Story.

Alc.

Supper was serv'd up, we sat down, and supp'd both together.

Amp.

At the same Table?

Alc.

Yes.

Soc.

Shame on't! I don't like that Entertainment.

Amp.

Leave fooling.—We supp'd together; what then?

Alc.

You complain'd o'drowsiness; Supper was taken away, and together we went up to Bed.

Amp.

Where did you lay?

Alc.

I' the same Chamber and Bed wi' your self.

Amp.

Ruin'd then!

Soc.

What's the matter, Sir?

Amp.

Stabb'd to the Heart?

Alc.

What ails ye, my Lord?

Amp.

Let me alone.

[Turning away.

Soc.

What's done t'ye, Sir?

Amp.

I'm a miserable Man; basely dishonour'd by my Wife i' m' Absence.

Alc.

In good earnest, my Lord, why this hard Cen∣sure from your Mouth?

Amp.

Am I your Lord? Prithee don't gi' me a wrong Title.

Soc.

A very pretty Bus'ness; if she has taken away his Manhood, and made him a Lady.

[Aside.

Alc.

What have I done, to make y' use me thus?

Amp.

You declare your Crimes, then ask me how you've offended.

Alc.

Is't an Offence to lye wi' m' own Husband?

Amp.

Wi' me? Was there ever such prodigious Im∣pudence? If y'had lost all Sense of Honour, sure you might ha' borrow'd o' your Neighbours.

Alc.

Our Family was ne're guilty o' such Crimes; and if my Honour's Ruin by your Aim, you'll lose your Labour.

Amp.

Bless my Soul!—Sure you know me, Socia.

Soc.

Pretty well, Sir.

Amp.

Didn't I sup last Night in your Vessel at th' Eu∣boan Port?

Alc.

I've s•…•…fficient Evidence to prove what I say.

Amp.

Evidence, who are they?

Alc.

Evidence I say.

Amp.

What will they give in?—But, one's suffi∣cient; for, here was no body but Socia.

Soc.

Marry, I don't know what to make of all this, unless there be another Amphitryon, who in your Absence takes care o' your Business, and your Lady's too. I thought it plaguy strange to find a Deputy Socia▪ but i' faith a second Amphitryon's a greater wonder. Cer∣tainly some Inchantments ha' been practis'd upo' your Lady.

Alc.

By Heaven, and by all that's good, which Oaths to me are all sacred, I ne're gave to any Man but you, the least Liberty that cou'd call my Honour in question.

Amp.

Heaven make it true.

Alc.

I affirm it is, but in vain, since you won't believe.

Amp.

You're a Woman, and swear too boldly.

Alc.

Innocence ought to be bold, and to vindicate it self with a Confidence, and Haughtiness.

Amp.

Here's Boldness enough.

Alc.

No more than becomes Vertue.

Amp.

We've your word for that.

[Ieeringly.

Alc.

I don't, like others, esteem a little Dirt my Por∣tion, but my Continency, and Honour, my Moderating my Passions, my Fear of Heaven, Duty to my Parents, Love to my Kindred, Obedience to my Husband, my liberal Bounty to the Good, and my Care over the Vertuous.

Soc.

I'faith, if all this be true, certainly she's the very Map of Innocence.

Amp.

I'm so strangely confounded, I scarce know where I am.

Soc.

Certainly you must be my Lord Amphitryon still. But have a great care you don't get into the new Fa∣shion; for here's nothing but Metamorphoses since our Arrival.

Amp.

Madam, I'm resolv'd to search to the very bot∣tom o' this Business.

Alc.

Do't a Gods Name.

Amp.

What say ye?—Answer me to this: Suppose I bring from the Port, your Kinsman Naucrates, who came over i' the same Vessel wi' me? If he disproves all your Assertions, what Treatment d'ye deserve then? What Plea will ye find to save your Divorce and Portion?

Alc.

If I fail i' my part, I'll urge none.

Amp.

Agreed.—Socia, Conduct these Prisoners in∣to the House.—I'll away t' our Vessel, and bring home Naucrates.

Exit Amphitryon.

SCENE V.

Alcmena, Socia, Thessala, and Prisoners.

Soc.

Now we are by our selves, Madam, tell me seri∣ously, whether I han't within Doors a Brother Socia, just like me for all the World?

Alc.

Out o' my sight, Rascal, who art fit for nothing but thy Master.

Soc.

I'll vanish at your Commands.

Beckons the Prisoners.

Alc.

Bless me! '•…•…is very strange it shou'd come into my Lords H•…•…d t'accuse me thus wrongfully. Whate're the Matter be, my Cozen Naucrates will clear all.

Exeunt Omnes.

The End of the Second Act.