The Spanish wives a farce, as it was acted by His Majesty's servants at the theatre in Dorset-Garden.
Pix, Mary, 1666-1720., Brémond, Gabriel de. Pelerin.
Page  27

ACT III.

SCENE, a Chamber.

Enter Camillus and Friar Andrew.
Cam.

Curst be my disappointing Stars, that thus have cross'd me! whilst I but aim at Elenora's Freedom; she, for my At∣tempts, suffers from her Tyrant-Husband worse usage.

Friar.

You may curse your Stars, if you please; but for my part, I bless the pretty twinkling Gentlemen, — that is, if they had an hand in my Deliverance.— I am sure, if I had been caught, my Usage would have been bad enough.—I long to know what is become of that Hangdog Hidewell. — Oh! — talk of the Devil, and he appears.

Enter Hidewell.
Hidew.

— Down on your Marrow-bones, Domine, and thank my Ingenuity, else your brittle Thread had been cut; and you left in a dark way by this time.

Friar.

Come, come; don't be so triumphant: — for had not my own roaring Preaching Voice —

Hidew.

Ay, ay; much us'd to Preaching, I believe,— un∣less it was Indulgence to a yielding Female.

Friar.

Well, as I was saying, had not my own Almighty Voice struck Terror thro' 'em, I had been in Limbo, long before your Ingenuity came to my Assistance. — Not but you did me a Kindness, — and I acknowledge it,— That's enough for a man of my Qualifications.

Cam.

Oh Hidewell! — all my Hopes are ruin'd, and poor Elenora must remain a Slave for ver.

Hidew.

My Lord, you are mistaken, — our Expectations now stand fairer; the Governor and Marquess both take me for a very silly honest Fellow,— and have order'd I shall have full and free access; — then let me alone for a Contri∣vance. — I'll get the Lady for you, and the Woman for Page  28 my self; following the Example of all noble Knights, and trusty Squires.

Friar.

I find you are providing for your selves: But what must I have for my Pains-taking in this Affair?

Hidew.
You know, you cannot marry; —I'll give you leave
To tempt my Damsel, when I have her: D'ye conceive
— If she loves Spiritual Food, I'll not be your hind'rance.
Cam.

Dear Hidewell! thou sha't go immediately; learn when they remove; athom their Designs; I'll force her rom him on the publick Road.— He orc'd her from her plighted Faith, her Vows, and all her Wishes: My Force is just.

Hidew.

Trust to me, my Lord, and fear not.

Enter Colonel Peregrine.
Col.

My Lord! your humble Servant! I ha'n't rested to night, since I heard of your Disappointment, reflecting how my own Affair may prove.

Cam.

Ah Colonel! our Cases are very different, — You hunt but for Enjoyment, the huddl'd Raptures of a few tumul∣tuous moments: — But I am in quest of Virgin-Beauty, made mine by Holy Vows; constrain'd by Fiends, instead of Friends, to break the sacred Contract, and follow the Capricio of a mad Old Man. — Virgin did I call her? —By Heaven, I dare beleve she is one, at least her Mind is such; — and were she in my power, I'd soon convince the World of the Justice of my Cause.

Col.

My Lord! you shall command my Sword and Interest in Barcellona, —yet you must give me leave to mind my own Affairs. — I grant your Passion more Heroick; — for I shou'd scarce accept the Governor's Wie for mine, if he wou'd give her: — but I am amorous and eager, as Love and Beauty can inspire hot and vigorous Youth.

Friar.

By St. Dominick, well said, old Boy: I'll stick to thee. I hate these whining Romantick Lovers. Nor wou'd I have trudg'd to Barcellona, had I thought the Count only fix'd on Honora,sha, I can get it out, — Honourable Love.

Col.

Since you are so willing, Sir, — I have Employment for Page  [unnumbered] you. — Can you play the Hector well, pursue with a fiery Countenance, swear without intermission, make noise enough, no matter what you say?

Friar.

I'll try, I'll try, — hum! hum! — by St. Do∣minick, by St. Patrick, St. —

Col.

Hold! hold! what d'ye mean? You must swear by Iupiter, Radamanthus, Mars, and those blustering Sparks; not such puny passive Saints.

Friar.

Well, Sir, — I shall be soon instructed: —But what must I swear all this for? or like the Bullies of the Age, must it be all for nothing?

Col.

No, no, there is a Cause; — Come along with me — and I'll give ye Clothes, and full Directions.

Hidew.

If I might advise ye, Sir, he should not undertake it; he has something in that unlucky Phy's shows him unfi, tho' coveting Intrigues: plaguy unfortunate Lines, I swear.

Friar.

Peace Eny Scrietchowl! Raven! Bat! Devil! When did I ever fail before that Night? nor then neither, sir∣rah, ha!

Hidew.

Rage on, Spight! I say but this. — Have a care, when in all your Gallantry, you don't forget, and make a Friar-like alutation.

Friar.

Pox take ye for putting me in mind on't — for, I always do a thing I am forbid.

Enter a Servant.
Serv.

Please your Honour, a Lady desires to speak with you.

Cam.

I'll wait on her.

Col.

I'll leave you this Apartment free, my Lord my Busi∣ness being in haste. — Come, Father!

Cam.

Farewell: may your Desires be fulfill'd, or you curd of 'em.

Col.

Your Servant.

Friar.

B'w'ye Hidewell! I don't question but to top you in my Performance when we meet next.

Hidew.

Heaven help the weak, I say.

Exeunt Col. and Friar.

Page  30Enter Orada.
Cam.

Ha, my dear Orada! What Miracle got thee this liberty?

Ora.

My Lady was so throughly frighted at the noise of the Pistols, and the Confusion she heard, (for you, I suppose) that she has since been ill. — The jealous Marquess cou'd not find in's Heart to trust a Doctor with her, but sent me for a Cordial.

Cam.

I hope her Sickness has no Danger in it.

Ora.

No, no; 'tis over now, —scarce enough left for a Pretext for, my coming.

Cam.

But, what Hopes? What shall be our next Design? Speak Comfort, my best Friend!

Ora.

Faith, I know not well: —Suppose the Marquess were some way inform'd, you are in Barcellona, — 'twou'd right him out of his Wits; — I'd back it, and perswade him to send Elenora in the night privately, lest you attempt her on the Road, — then you may seize the unguarded Fair. — Methinks something like this might be done.

Cam.

We'l in, and consider farther on't.

Hidew.

Heark ye, Donna, if your Lady falls to my Lord, you prove my natural Perquisite, by the Example of a Thousand Years.

Oro.

What means the Fellow?

Cam.

Despise him not, Orada; he has prodigious Parts un∣der that Russet Coat.

Ora.

I care not for him, nor his Parts, I shall ne'r examine 'em.

Hidew.

You and I shall be better acquainted for all this.

Ora.

Away, Bumpkin!

Cam.

I tell ye he's a Beau in Disguise.

Ora.

I believe so.

Cam.

Come to this inner Room, Orada, lest we are inter∣rupted.

Exeunt.

SCENE, a Hall.

Enter the Governor, Marquess, and Diego.
Gov.

A-pox, a-pox! Was this your Conference —If I had guess'd at it, the Devil shou'd have confer'd with ye for me.

Page  31
Marq.

I wou'd ha' thank'd a Friend that sorewarn'd me, of an approaching Evil.

Gov.

Evil! What Evil? The Evil is my knowing it; if I had not, 't had been none. — Yet how am I convinc'd you have not abus'd my Tittup: —By the Honour of Spain, I'll Fight for Tittup: Guilty or not Guilty.— My Lord! — what you have said is a scandalous, contagious, outragious,—

Marq.

Hold, — if you say one word more, I draw.

Gov.

Well, well! — I will have Patience, — but if this Colonel doth not come with the ham-plot you have buzz'd into my Head, by King Philip's Beard, —

Marq.

Threaten not; Ill meet you when and where you please, ill-manner'd Fool!

Exit.

Gov.

Diego! I have born up, — yet, Igad, to own the Truth, I am damnably afraid — there's something in it. — That English Colonel is a plaguy Dog; he looks as if he were made to enter all Breaches, conquer every way. — I'll try if I can sing after this News.

(Sings)

Lock up a Woman, or let her alone;
Keep her in private, or let her be known:
'Tis all one, 'tis e'en all one.

— A scurvy Tune, as I hope to be a Grandee. — Nay, if my Voice is broke, my Heart will quickly followDiego!

Dieg.

My Lord!

Gov.

I ever found thee faithful; — if the Spark does come, follow exactly my Directions, and all shall be well yet.

Dieg.

Fear not me, my Lord, I'd lose a Leg or an Arm at any time in your Honour's Service, and never cry, Oh! for't.

Gov.

Heark, heark! I think I hear a Noise.

Cry of Fire here.

Without, a Cry of Murder, and shutting Doors.
Enter Col. Peregrine, his Sword drawn, leaning upo his Servant.
Col.

Oh, my Noble Lord! I'm ruin'd, unless your Pity save me: in England I, in a Duel, kill'd a Gentleman, and his Friends have pursu'd me hither, setting upon me, Four at once.

Page  32
Gov.

Alas and welladay! 'tis sad indeed! and you, I war∣rant, are wounded desperately.

Col.

I fear, to death, — oh! oh!

Gov.

Ah, the dissembling Rogue! it grieves me almost to disappoint him, the Smock-fac'd Dog does it so cunningly.

aside
Diego!

Dieg.

Sir.

Gov.

Diego, get one of my able Surgeons to search the Wound.

Col.

I thank you, my Lord; my own Servant has great Skill in Surgery, I'll trust him.

Gov.

Diego! carry this Gentleman to an Apartment near the Garden, free from Noise, — I'll send Tittup to visit ye by and by.

Col.

Your Lordship's all Goodness.

Exit.

Gov.

And thou all Treachery,— Oh! the English whine∣ing Dog — how shall I punish him? By the honour of Spain, he deserves to be utterly disabl'd, — render'd wholly incapable. — But I'll have Mercy in my Anger: hang't — I have lov'd the handsom Whipster, and he shall find it.

(Enter Diego.)

—So, — have ye dispos'd of him as I order'd?

Dieg.

Yes, my Lord; and whilst I was in the Chamber, he groan'd as if his Heart were breaking, — But I had the Curiosity to stay a little at the Door, and heard both laugh ready to burst, ••'t please your Honour.

Gov.

Please me! not much, in faith, Diego; but — let me tell 'em, had they fell into the hands of any other of our Na∣tion, their Mirth wou'd quickly ha' been spoil'd, and their Whoring too adod.

Enter Servants, hauling in Friar Andrew.
Serv.

My Lord, we have took the Ringleader, that pursu'd the Noble English Colonel.

Gov.

Good Boys! Good Boys! — Well, Sir, — And what are you?

Friar.

If you are a man of Authority, as by your House and Page  33 Port I guess you are, I charge you, do me Justice; for by yon∣der blew Firmament, and all those hated Stars, that twinkl'd at my Brother's Murder, I'll flea that cursed Colonel.

Gov.

Thou Hangdog, begot in Lewdness, and born in some Sink of Sin, — Son of a thousand Fathers, and Maker and Contriver of Cuckolds without number; I know thee for a Pimp: Here, Diego! fasten upon one Whisker, whilst I take t'other; if they are fast, I may alter my Opinion — They are reverend Whiskers, I confess,— if not, I proclaim thee a Pimp.

They pull, and the Whiskers come off between'em.
Fri.

Oh, mercy! mercy! I do own my Profession; but good my Lord, forgive me.

Gov.

Ay, that I will, but I'll punish thee first, — here, — carry him to the red Tower, and let him have Two hundred Lashes, till all Thoughts of Concupiscence, either for himself or others, be throughly mortified.

Fri.

Hear me, my Lord!

Gov.

No, away with him.

Fri.

You must hear me; I am a Priest, I excommunicate ye else.

Gov.

A Priest, and a Pimp! Oh Lord!

Fri.

Why? is that such a Wonder?

Dieg.

Look, my Lord! here hang his Beads under hs Clothes.

Fri.

Now, my Lord, you are satisfied the Secular Arm can't punish me; pray give me a Release.

Gov.

Hold, hold, not so fast.— Take him, and carry him to the next Abby just as he is, and tell the Fathers what ye know.

Fri.

'Tis well 'tis no worse, — to deal with the Tribe, let me alone, they'l judge my Frailties by their own.

Gov.

Say ye so, Beelzebub, in his own Cloathing! but I'll be a Thorn in thy side, I'll warrant thee, old Father Iniquity.

Serv.

My Lord, w'll set the Mob upon him, that's worse than all the Justices in Quorum.

Fri.

I'le Curse, Excommunicate, Purgatory ye, Hang ye, Damn ye.

Exit forc'd off.

Page  34 Enter Governor's Lady.
Lady.

My eary, Spywell tells me our dear Colonel's wounded.

Gov.

Oh, most dangerously, Tittup; he has as many holes thro' him as a Jew's Cake.

Lady.

Alas, then I fear he's dead.

Gov.

No, no; Nature has fram'd his Body for the purpose; a Sword passes and repasses like a Jugler's Ball, and no harm done.

Lady.

Cruel Deary! you make a Jest n't, but I'le visit and comfort him.

Gov.

Hold, hold; his Wounds are dressing: You wou'd see him naked, wou'd ye?

Lady.

Oh Gad! not for the World.

Gov.

Retire to your Chamber, I'le send for you when 'tis convenient.

Lady.

I will, Dear; but pray take care of him.

Gov.

Yes; there shall be Care taken of him, I promise ye. — A hopeful young Gentleman, by the Honour of Spain.Diego! follow to my Closet, there I'le make thee sensible of my Design.

Exeunt.

Enter the Marchioness Elenora, meeting Orada.
Elen,

Dear Orada! bring'st thou Comfort, or must I remove from Barcellona to Wilds and unfrequented Desarts, impene∣trable Castles, and all the melancholy Mischiefs spritely Youth can fear?

Ora.

I hope not, Madam; the Lord Camillus employs his Brain and all his busie Instruments, for your deliverance.

Elen.

Give me the Scheme of his Design, that I may guess at the Success.

Ora.

Madam, — my Lord.—

Enter the Marquess.

Elen.

Take that — thou impudent Performer of my Ty∣rant's Will,

Strikes her.

Ora.

My Lord, you see what I suffer for your Service.

Marq.

But we'll be so reveng'd, Orada; when we ha•• her wholly to our selves, by Heaven, I'll bring that pamper'd Carcass down: The Roses shall wither in her wanton Cheeks; her Page  35 Eyes, whose hot Beams dart Fire, grow dull and languid: — By all my Pangs of Jealousie, I'd rather clasp a Fiend, than Doubting Sleep by such an Angel.

Elen.

And 'tis thy Doubts, Old Man, not I, torment thee— Our Sex, like Water, glides along pleasant and useful; but if grasp'd by a too violent Hand, unseen they slip away, and prove the fruitless Labour vain.

Marq.

To Waters, Waves, and Rocks most justly may you be campar'd; — but I want time to hold an Argument. — Prepare this Night for your remove, — I am fix'd,—your Jewels, Equipage and all put up.

Elen.

Let my Slaves take care of that,— What need have I of Jewels, Ornaments, or Dress, condemn'd to Cells and ever∣lasting Solitudes?

Enter a Servant.

Serv.

My Lord, a Country Fellow is very importunate to speak with you.

Marq.

Bring him in, — Mistress, you to your Chamber. You hear the man's Business is with me.

Elen.

May it prove a vexatious one, I beseech Heaven.

Exit.

Enter Hidewell.
Marq.

—Oh, my honest Fruiterer, what brought you hither?

Hidew.

Why, an't shall please ye,—a marvellous thing has hapt since I see ye last, — a parlous Contrivance, by th'Mess, — as I hope for Margery, I ne'r see the like.

Marq.

The matter, Friend!

Hidew.

Nay, Gadsores, 'is zo strange, I can't tell whether I was asleep or dreamt, or no.

Marq.

Prithee tell me quickly; what Wonder hast thou mt with, Fellow?

Hidew.

Zir, I'm but a poor Fellow; but, as Neighbour Touch has it, I can zee into a Milstone, as var as another man.

Marq.

Talk to the purpose, or I shall grow tir'd: — is it any thing concerning me or my Honour?

Hidew.

Ay, ay, Zir, you don't know the bottom of this Plot.

Marq.

Nor the top on't neither, — dalling Fool, proceed.

Hidew.

Nay, you'l know it soon enough: — Ha't you a very handsom Wife, buxom and free, as the Saying is?

Page  36
Marq.

Oh the Devil, lies it there? Well! what follows?

Hidew.

Iags, Cuckoldom, ch'am afraid, Zir,—for coming out of this Hause, there meets me a waundy handsom Fellow, adsores, — he had the swinginst— what d'ye call't.—

Marq.

Perruque, d'ye mean?

Hidew.

Ay, uslid! our biggest Bushel, that's kept on pur∣pose for the Mastes of the Measures to zee, wou'd not, —no, sacks, ch'um zure — it wou'd not cover it.

Marq.

Did he enquire after my Wife?

Hidew,

By my troth he did. — Friend, says he, do you go often to that House? — Mahap I do, — mahap I do not, said I, what's that to you? Nay,—no harm, quoth he; and thereupon slipt a piece of Gold into my Hand.— I must con∣fess that soften'd me, — and he went on,— Dst thou not know an old jealous, freakish, confounded Marquess lives there? Pray ye now dan't be angry, Sir, — I use but his own words.

Marq.

No, no, go on.

Hidew.

And has he not, quoth he, a young lovely Wise?—. And then he run on with hard words, I cou'd not conceive for above a quartr of an hour, tho I was wise enough to pick it out, that he was Amour'd on her.

Marq.

Confound him, confound him!

Hidew.

Quoh he,— Canst thou convey a Letter to her? —Why how now mon, zed I, who dost take me for, a Pimp? No, no, ch'am no Pimp,— an I war chou'd ha' better Cloas o' my Back, — y th' Mess, chall do none o' your Bawdy Mssages, not I; Do't your self, an you wull, for Tim. With that he drew his Sword, and I very vairly took up Heels, and run away, for ch'am very veard of a naked Sword.

Marq.

Couldst thou not discover his Name?

Hidew.

His Zevants call'd him — Count — a—Cam— Cam — Cam — ch'am zure 'twas zummot about Cam.

Marq.

(starting)
What, — Camillus!

Hidew.

Ay, ay, that's it, that's it, in troh.

Marq.

Oh, I am run'd, blown up, undone! Camillus has his Pockets cramm'd with Gold; — he'll bribe the World to take his part: — Then that Contract — so firm and sure, — Page  37 I lose her, and what I value more, hr large Fortune. — Orada, what shall I do?

Ora.

Suppose ye remove my Lady in a Litter, without any of your own Attendance,— for indeed I fear he'll way-lay all the Roads.—My Lord, she may be got many Leagues this night, and when in safety, you may send back for your Equipage.

Marq.

Mny Leagues! we'l go a Thousand, — for I'll be with her, and force her speed.

Ora.

(aside)
That I suspected.

Hidew.

Zir, Zir, here che may serve ye, for I keep a Litter, as well as zell Fruit.

Marq.

Oh! thou'rt an honest Fellow; and, fear not, you shall be rewarded beyond your Wishes:— Come in,— I'll give thee an Order for one of my best Horses, because my Servants shall not suspect 'tis for my self. Orada! get your Lady rady, — 'is now near Night, and it shall be done with speed.

Exit.
Ora.

Be sure you lame the Horse now; for as soon as the Lit∣ter has lost sight of the Marquess, we return into the City, and towards the Morning escape in a Felucca already order'd,— whilst the disappointed Marquess is unting the Roads in vain.

Hidew.

Madam, I desire none of your Directions, I am per∣fect Master of my Trade. — I cannot but think how bravely I shall maintain thee. Girl; for Mony comes rowling in.

Ora.

Mind your Business, and think of Fooling afterwards.

Exeunt.

SCENE, a Chamber.

The Scene draws, and discovers Col. Peregrine upon a Bed, and his Man by him.
Col.

I begin to grow damnable weary of nursing up this no Wound; I wish the dear Angel wou'd but come, and heal the real Wound my Heart endures.

Serv.

Truly Sr, I shou'd have but lttle Stomach to a Mi∣stess, if I were in your circumstances: —What attempt to Cuckold a Spanish Governor in his own House!

Col.

Peace Coward, and see who's coming.

Serv.

Sir, Sir, 'tis my Lord Governor.

Col.

Well, well —Oh! oh! oh!

Page  38Enter Governor and Diego; speaks aside to Diego.
Gov.

Diego! unobserv'd secure that Sword, Hat, and Per∣ruque, — I shall have use for't.

Dieg.

Yes, my Lord.

Col.

Oh, oh, oh!

Gov.

How d'ye, Sir?

Col.

Oh, very bad,— just, just fainting.

Serv.

Please ye to have some Cordial, Sir?

Col.

A little, if ye will.

Gov.

And are not you a damn'd dissembling handsome Toad —Answer me that now, — answer me that. What cor∣rupt the Wife of my Bosom, my Darling Tittup! break the Laws of Hospitality! Well, — thou'rt a desperate Fellow, I protest; — design to Cuckold one that hopes to be a Gran∣dee of Spain! — Abominable, by St. Iaques! Come, come, get up; your Wound's not mortal, I'll engage.

Col.

I'm so confounded, I know not what to say.

Serv.

Ay, I thought 'twou'd come to this, — Now shall I be toss'd in a Blanket, burnt, drown'd, hang'd!

Col.
Be quiet, Rascal, and be damn'd!
Gov.

What, you'r out of humour, Sir! I must confess, 'tis a plaguy disappointment. Come, in short, I'll use ye much bet∣ter than you ought to expect. Go with haste and privacy to your Lodgings, and the Town shall know nothing of the mat∣ter: — Your Wig and other Accoutrements shall be sent after ye; but I must use 'em first.

Col.

My Lord, I beg your Pardon for this Attempt; you know ' has been no more.

Gov.

Your Goodwill was not wanting, thanks to your who∣ring Stars.

Col.

Tho' unarm'd, I will not stir from hence, if you practise a thousand Cruelties upon me, unless I have your Promise, that you will not hurt your Wife. — I have Honour, tho' the Rules are now transgress'd. Nor can I leave a Lady (whom my Love has entic'd) to the Resentments of a Spanish Husband.

Gov.

An Honourable Dog, as I hope to be sav'd! by all that's sacred, I ill not hurt her; only she must remain depriv'd of Page  39 that Liberty, which, against our Country's Custom, I had given her.

Col.

That I'm sorry for; but cannot ask more.

Gov.

But I shall ask you to be gone. — Diego —get one of my closest Chairs, and let him be convey'd home, as sick.

Col.

Oh, I cou'd tear my Flesh.

Gov.

No, no, fast and mortifie it.

Col.

I own you generous, but have not the Heart to thank you.

Gov.

I tell ye once again— your Absence will best express your Acknowledgment.

Col.

Your Servant.

Gov.

Oh, your very humble Servant, sweet Friend in a cor∣ner! — Now, Diego! help to equip me.

Exit Colonel.

Dieg.

My Lord!

Gov.

The Perruque, the Perruque block — oh, how the amorous Rogue has perfum'd it, — the Pulvil, Essence, and Powder o'ercomes me.

Dieg.

My Lord, may I presume to tell ye,— your black Beard, and that white Perruque look very disagreeable.

Gov.

No matter, the Curtains will hide that. — Now go to my Wife, and tell her, I am gone to the Castle, to see the Guards reliev'd, and shall sup there.—Tell her also, I desire she wou'd visit the wounded Colonel in my absence.—

Exit Diego.
— Now I shall find if Tittup knew the bottom on't, and were consenting to this Roguery.
Throws himself on the Bed.

Enter his Lady, and Spywell her Woman.
Lady.

Oh, we are happy beyond what we cou'd expect; my Husband sups at the Castle to night, — yet I tremble every Limb of me: — I swear I love this old Governor, and no∣thing but this charming Englishman cou'd have tempted me to break my Vows.

Spyw.

Madam, you walk and talk, you know not where— you are in his Chamber.

Goes towards his Bed.

Lady.

— My Love, my Life, wilt thou not meet me? there is no further need of Counterfeiting.

Governor leaps up, and snatches her Hand.
Page  40
Gov.
Ungrateful Tittup!
His Lady.
(shriking)
Ah!
Gov.

How couldst thou serve me so?

Lady.

Phogh, I knew 'twas you, and did it on purpose to make you jealous.

Gov.

A pies, a pies, no, no, you did not know 'twas I: — I wou'd be deceiv'd, but cannot.

Lady.

Oh, what must I expect?

Gov.

Diego! — first turn this Baggage out o' doors,— and d'ye hear Mistress,—if ye tattle of these Affairs, I'll have ye poyson'd,—else ye are free and safe.

Spyw.

Madam, farewell; I can't excuse my self.

Lady.

Now my Turn's a coming.

Gov.

Ah Tittup! whither, whither art thou fallen?

Lady.

(crying)
No, Deary, not fallen, I was but staggering — and you caught me Deary.

Gov.

For which I humbly conceive, you wish me hang'd, Deary.

Lady.

Indeed, indeed Dary, I'm glad my Honour's safe; — I never had an Inclination before, and never will again, if you forgive me.

Gov.

I'll take care you shall never have another Opportuni∣ty; your back Apartments must be your Prison, and an old Dovegna your Companion, till Tim and Age have wrought off your loose Desires. No more oity toity, — no more appea∣ring at Windows, — dining at Deary's Table, and dancing af∣ter it for Digesion. — I say, Tittup, all these Vanities must be forgotten.

Lady.

Oh! stab me first! Let me not be a May-game to all my Servants, who by my Confinement wou'd guess at my Dis∣grace. You us'd to swear you lov'd your Tittup— I never did a Fault before, but what a Frown might punish — Now let me experience your boased Fondness; and take me to your Heart, with kind relenting smiles — else leave me distracted on the Earth in endless fears bemoaning my Indiscretion, and your Cruelty.

Gov.

(aside.)
I feel I begin to mollifie!

To her.
Oh, Tittup, Tittup! Thou h••t been a Baggage! a Page  41 very Baggage— by the Honour of Spain!

Lady.

I confess I have been frail — But I will be forgiven, so I will — I'll hang about thy Neck; nor leave the dear Place 'till my Pardon's sign'd.

Gov.

What! Give you again your Freedom to see another Colonel, and be again betray'd?

Lady.

No; there is not such another Colonel.

Gov.

How, Tittup!

Lady.

Not such a Tempter; such a Seducer, I meant.

Gov.

Thou pretty Epitome of Womans weakness— I dare not trust thee — Tittup— you must retire.

Lady.

Do, lock me up; and next moment you are gone, I'll hang my self in my own Garters, so I will.— Can you behold your Tittup hang'd? her Eyes gogling, her Mouth, you have buss'd so often, gaping; and her Legs dangling three Yards above Ground? — This is the Sight you must expect.

Gov.

Oh! I can't bear the thoughts on't— Stand farther off— farther yet— that I may rush upon thee with all the vigour of Sixteen, and clasp thee from such a Danger— Thou resistless Ruler of a doting, fond, old Fool! — Here — I forgive thee — but if after this, I catch ye staggering, expect no Mercy.

Lady.

By the new Joys, your returning Kindness brings me, I'll die first!

Gov.

The World may blame my Conduct; but then — they know not Tittup's Charms; the Power of her Eyes, and Pleasure of her Arms. — I cannot raise my Voice to sing, yet — hum! — No; Gad, zooks, 'twon't do.

Lady.

Henceforth

Good Humour shall supply thy want of Youth,
You shall be always kind, I full of Truth.
Exeunt hugging.

SCENE, a Hall.

Enter Elenora, and Orada.
Elen.

Do we succeed, my dear Orada?

Ora.

Beyond expectation, Madam — within some mo∣ments, you are in Camillus's Arms. — Hidewell is gone for Page  42 a well-appointed Litter, which wheels but round, whilst Hide∣well plays Tricks with my Lord; and then carries you to the English Embassador's.

Elen.

Now my Desires are so near fulfilling, I begin to fear 'em — yet I know Camillus is Honourable.

Ora.

All's Honourable. Te House is Honourable, the La∣dy Honourable: Fear nothing, but in, and Pray for our Suc∣cess — I think I hear my Lord — You must be sure to seem very unwilling.

Elen.

I'll warrant ye.

Exit.

Enter the Marquess.
Marq.

Is your Lady ready?

Ora.

Yes, my Lord. But, good Lord! what a life have I had with her — I believe she has thrown Fifty things at my Head — She swears she won't go like a Thief in the Night.

Marq.

Oh! when the Litter comes, we'll do well enough for that—I'll make her go, or leave her dead upon the place.— Dost thou think none of the Servants perceive our Preparations at this Back-door?

Ora.

My Lord, there's no Danger—'tis so far through the Gardens; and now we have these Apartments, their Peo∣ple never come at 'em.

Enter Hidewell.

Marq.

Here comes my trusty Fellow well! hast go a Litter?

Hide.

Ay; and by th' Mss, an able one too — I worn ye Mon, afore day, we be past whistling after.

Ora.

Friend, you never talk'd to a Lord in your life, I suppose.

Marq.

Pho, pho! 'tis all well — Is the Horse for me ready too?

Hide.

Just by the Litter, my Lord! — my Lord — i ackens it saunds rarely.

Marq.

Call Elenora.

Ora.

I will ventre— but Heavens! how I shall be us'd!

Exit, and Re-enter with Elenora.
— Nay, Mdam, 'tis in vain disputing it; for you must and shall.

Hide.

A vine Dame, by th' Mess!

Elen.

Commanded by my Slave! Monster! whither dost thou Page  43 intend to have me at this dead hour of Night? to Death, I hope.

Marq.

To Death, if you resist — Orada, hall her along.

Ora.

I think I do pull her— I believe her Arm will come off.

Hide.

Why law ye, Mistress — dan't be so veard — Ye shall come to no hort— I have had vine Vokes in my Litter 'vore naw.

Elen.

Away, Fool! leave halling me— I will go — thou crel Devil!

Marq.

Come, I'll see her in the Litter; and then take Horse.

Exeunt.
Re-enter Marquess and Hidewell.
Marq.

Sirrah! Sirrah! where's my Horse?

Hide.

My Lord! m Lord!

Marq.

Sot! Dunce! my Horse!

Hide.

Why a — why a — I ty'd him to the Pales — and tis so waundy dark without, I cannot find him.

Marq.

Fly and search! Bid the Litter go softly: I'll oretake 'em.

Hide.

I'm gone, I'm gone —

(Comes back.)
— My Lord, must I bring him hither?

Marq.

Eternal Fool! Call to me, and I'll come out.

Hide stopping.
Udsookers! 'ch'am zummat a veard.

Marq.

This Fellow will make me mad — Beast! will ye stir!

Hide.

Ch'ave heard Vokes talk of Ghosts, zo I have, about the Park Pales.

Marq.

ascal! I'll make a Ghost o' thee; if thou dost not go, or direct me, where my Horse is.

Hide.

I run, I run!

Exit. The Marquess following him.

Hidewell crosses the Stage running: the Marquess within cries, Where are ye?
Hide.

I'll lead him a Dance— Here, here!

Exit.

Within. Here, here!
Marq.

A Pox, where?

The Marquess Entring.
— Oh! the Devil! I can't wag a step further! I have lost sight of him, and the Litter; and am lam'd into the Bargain— I hope Orada, observ'd my Directions for the Road— The Pass I gave 'em, lets 'em through the City Gates: If this Fool wou'd come once, I shou'd soon overtake 'em. — Numps, Fool! Are ye coming?

Page  44
Hidewell

within.
O Lard! O Lard! ch'am an undone, Mon! Gh'am an undone, Mon!

Marq.

What's the matter?

Enter Hidewell leaning on his Stick; as soon as he comes in, he falls down, and roars out.
Hide.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Marq.

What ails the Fellow? Where's my Horse?

Hide.

A Murain, a Plaue take your Horse — ch'am maim'd for ever — For getting up to make haste, he has thrown me, and broke my Leg. Oh, my poor Wife and Children! they must to the Parish — Then Margery— how she'll take on! for, to zay truth, I lov'd her better than my Wife — Oh! Oh! Oh!

Marq.

The Devil take thee, and all thy Family, for an un∣lucky Dog! I see, I must call up my Servants at last.

Exit.

Hidewell,

getting up.
Farewel, sweet Signior! for, by this time, your Lady's in safe Hands.
Exit hastily singing.

Enter the Marquess.
Marq.

Pedro! Olonzo! Valasco!

Pedro.

Did you call, my Lord?

Marq.

Yes. A Fellow has broke his Leg — You must wake Monsier Cureclap, my Fench Surgeon — and, Olonzo, give Orders to my Grooms this moment, to prepare two Horses; Valasco shall go with me.

Pedro.

My Lord! what Fellow? Where is he? Why, here's no body!

Marq.

(looking about.)
Gone! Hell and Furies! A Plot upon my Honour, my Life, my Wife, my Estate! Murder! Murder! Saddle all my Horses; get what Friends Money will purchase; search every Road — my Estate! my Wife Hell and Dam∣nation!

Enter Governour, with a Letter in his hand: His Lady, Diego, and Servants.
Gov.

So! the Cry's up agen — but Heaven be thanked, 'tis almost over now— What's the matter, my Lord Marquess?

Marq.

Ruin'd, undone for ever! My Wife's Run away!

Lady.

How! Run away! That's worse than I, Deary.

Page  45
Gov.

I know not: 'Tis according as you prove, Tittup — A bad Wife's better lost than found.

Lady.

Unkind Deary.

Marq.

My Lord, burying all Animosities, I beg you wou'd assist me now. I shall run mad— my Wife, nay more, a great Estate, lost! lost!

Gov.

My Lord, you must be pacify'd — I've ill News to tell you — there's a Letter sent me from Rome, by the Car∣dinal Patron of Spain; that you stole a Young Lady, firmly contracted to a Noble Roman Count: Also His Majesty's Order to put the Lady in a Monastery, till your Cause is try'd.

Marq.

I'll Hang my self! I'll Drown my self! I'll Bury my self alive! Dogs,! Whelps! get me Cords, Knives, Poyson, Sword, and Fire.

Exit Raving.

Gov.

The Man's distracted — Diego, after; and perswade him.

Lady.

'Tis a just Judgment on him, Deary, for being so Jealous.

Gov.

Ay, Tittup; when Women never give any cause, you know, Tittup.

Lady.

Hump!

Enter a Gentleman.
Gent.

Sir, my Lord Camillus sends to give you an Account, that he expects the Lady Elenora at the English Embassador's. He hears, by an Express, your Honour has Orders from the King relating to her; to which he willingly submits.

Gov.

An honest Lad, by the Honour of Spain — Tell him, Friend, I'll wait on him immediately at the Embassador's.

Lady.

Deary.

Exit Gentleman.

Gov.

What now! That begging look's put on for something.

Lady.

Let me go with you, and see the Embassador's Lady, and the Marchioness, and —

Gov.

— And the English Colonel. Ha! why, Tittup, canst thou look me in the Face, and ask this? — By the Honour of Spain, I believe this Hoity, Toity will desire me to admit him for her Gallant.

Lady.

Truly, Deary, if the Colonel is there, you shall hear me charge him, never to see me more.

Page  46
Gov.

A new way, Tittup! to go into a man's Company, to forbid him your sight! Come— thou sha't along! and —

Sings.
If with Horns my Kindness thou dost repay,
Ill Punish thee some unknown, uncommon way,
Nor hear whate're thy Charming Tongue can say,

SCENE changes to the English Embassador's.

Camillus meeting Elenora and Orada: Runs and Embraces Elenora.
Cam.

My Elenora! art thou here! do I hold thee fast, thou choicest Blessing of my Youth!

Elen.

Witness my Heart, which strongly beats, how much I'm pleas'd in my Camillus's Arms! But, Oh! I blush, when I remember I am another's Wife.

Cam.

No more o'that; the Cardinal's my Friend, and has promisd a Divorce immediately— Therefore Crown my Joys with Smiles, and forget past Dangers.

Elen.

I can say only this: I love ye —

Cam.

And not descending Angels, with all their Heavenly Tunes, cou'd Charm like that dear sound! — safe in a Mona∣stery thou shalt remain, till the Dispute is ended. And then— Oh! thou blest Charmer— then all my Sufferings shall be li∣berally paid; and longing Love Revel in Feasts of unutterable Delight. — Nor art thou forgot, dear Orada, but, whilst I have Life, sha't be usd like a Friend, and Mistress of my Fortunes.

Orad.

I humbly thank your Honour, and heartily rejoice at my good Lady's Happiness.

Cam.

Poor Hidewell! — I hope he is in safety. —

Enter Hidewell.
Hidew.

— Yes; and here, at your Honour's service, — tho' I have had a broken Leg, and two or three other Misfortunes, — but alls well now, and I can dance for Joy.

Cam.

Thou art a witty Rogue, — and henceforward sha't ha' no occasion to expose thy self, I'll provide for thee like a Gentleman.

Hidew.

I'm your ready Slave, — D' ye h••r that, Mrs. Scornful?

(To Orada)
how d' ye like my Parts and Person now?

Ora.

Troth I've seen so much between my Lady and the Count, that my Mouth almost waters.

Hidew.

We shall soon agree, I find.

Page  47
Cam.

My der Elenora, the Ambassador's Lady sends

A Lady enters and whispers Camillus.
word, her Husband is gone for a few days to hunt: she is very ill, but that all things in her House are at your service.

Elen.

To morrow I'll wait on her.

Enter Colonel Peregrine.
Cam.

Oh, my dear Friend! here's the lovely Prize, which so well deserves the Pains I have taken.

Col.

A charming Lady! — My Lord, you are a happy man.

Cam.

How goes your affair, and what's become of the obliging Friar?

Col.

Nay, Heaven knows! the Story is too long to tell; only this: I found the old Lord generous, and resolve to attempt his Wife no more.

Cam.

I'm glad on't — in your Age you never will repent an un∣committed Sin.

Elen.

That Governors Lady seemd a pretty good-humour'd Crea∣ture; therefore, my Tyrant, let me see her but once

Enter Friar Andrew, his Clothes torn, and cover'd with Dir, ad his Face scratch'd.
Cam.

Who have we here! Oh Heavens! Father Andrew!

Col.

What! my Hector thus usd!

Hidew.

What has befaln thee, oh thou weak Brother?

Fri.

(angrily)
What has befaln me! you may behold what has befan me; Dirt, Wounds, and Disgrace. — The Ladies may live in Rat Traps, or dye o' the Pips, for Father Andrew's Assistance again.

Hidew.

Look, forward Undertaker and wretched Performer, there the Lady stands, deliver'd by me!

Elen.

My Lord, is not this the Friar brought your first Leter, after I was married, whom the Marquess caught and abus'd?

Cam.

The same, Madam

Hidew.

I said he had unfortunate lines, but he wou'd take no warning.

Elen.

Not to encourage any thing that's ill, but because you have suffer'd in my Cause, there's a Cordial will revive the Heart, and wash out all Stains.

Gives him a Purse of Gold.

Col.

For me you have suffer'd too; and I beg you wou'd accept of this.

Gives him more.

Fri.

Spite of Vows, in this Necessity there's no refusing such a Favor.

Cam.

Come, Father, cheer up your self, have recourse to your old Friend Malaga, — I'll provide for ye, that you shall go thro no more Dangers.

Fri.

By St. Dominick, I had not need; for I have almost lost my Life in this.

Enter a Servant.

Serv.

Sir, the Governor of Barcellona is come to wait on ye.

Page  48
Cam.

Gods me — in, Father! you wou'd not see him, I suppose.

Fri.

See him! I'd sooner see the Devil: — Well, I'll get a pretty Wench to wash me without, and good store of Malaga within, and try to forget past Sorrows.

Exit.

Enter Governor and his Lady, Arm in Arm.
Gov.

My Lord, your Servant.

Cam.

Yours in all Obedience.

Gov.

(aside)
— Yonder he stands — the Ogling Rogue! I thought so. — My Lord Camillus, before I talk to you, pray give me leave for some few words with that Gentleman.

Cam.

With all my Heart.

Gov.

Sir!

Col.

My Lord!

Gov.

Nay, o'th' t'other side, if you please, — Now, Tittup, speak what you promis'd.

Lady.

Colonel Peregrine, my Lord has been so good to forgive me what is past; and I desire, for the future, as you are a Gentleman, you wou'd, after this night, never see me more.

Col.

Madam, I obey.

Gov.

And d'ye hear,— if ye prove a Man of Honour, about Three∣score Years hence I may leave ye Tittup for a Legacy, and abundance of Wealth, a World of Wealth, by the Honour of Spain.—Nay, 'tis worth staying for.

Col.

Threescore years hence, quotha!

Gov.

Now, my Lord Camillus, to you and the Lady.

They go aside.

Hidew.

I wish we had some Musick,— since our Success, I can't keep my Heels on the Ground.

Col.

If the Company agree to it, I can procure my Lord Ambassa∣dor's, and send for my own.

Hidew.

I'll motion it presently.

Elen.

I freely submit, and will retire to what Monastery you appoint. I hope my future Conduct will satisfie the World of my Innocency.

Cam.

And mine, of my Faith and Constancy.

Col.

What say ye now to Musick and Dancing?

Hidewellongs.

Cam.

With all my Soul, this is a Jubilee, which I'll keep whilst I've life.

Elen.

But are we secure?

Gov.

Fear not, Madam; my Guards surround the House, — and am not I here?

They all sit.

Songs and Dances: Them over, the Company comes forward.
Cam.
Greatness was the Attendant of my Birth;
But Love gives me Heaven upon Earth
These Comforts my Elenor does impart:
oy to my Eyes, sweet Raptures to my Heart.
Gov.
Like you, here stands a happy Man;
And I'll keep my Tittup, — that is, if I can.
FINIS.
Page  [unnumbered]