The Spanish wives a farce, as it was acted by His Majesty's servants at the theatre in Dorset-Garden.
Pix, Mary, 1666-1720., Brémond, Gabriel de. Pelerin.

SCENE, a Chamber.

The Scene draws, and discovers Col. Peregrine upon a Bed, and his Man by him.
Col.

I begin to grow damnable weary of nursing up this no Wound; I wish the dear Angel wou'd but come, and heal the real Wound my Heart endures.

Serv.

Truly Sr, I shou'd have but lttle Stomach to a Mi∣stess, if I were in your circumstances: —What attempt to Cuckold a Spanish Governor in his own House!

Col.

Peace Coward, and see who's coming.

Serv.

Sir, Sir, 'tis my Lord Governor.

Col.

Well, well —Oh! oh! oh!

Page  38Enter Governor and Diego; speaks aside to Diego.
Gov.

Diego! unobserv'd secure that Sword, Hat, and Per∣ruque, — I shall have use for't.

Dieg.

Yes, my Lord.

Col.

Oh, oh, oh!

Gov.

How d'ye, Sir?

Col.

Oh, very bad,— just, just fainting.

Serv.

Please ye to have some Cordial, Sir?

Col.

A little, if ye will.

Gov.

And are not you a damn'd dissembling handsome Toad —Answer me that now, — answer me that. What cor∣rupt the Wife of my Bosom, my Darling Tittup! break the Laws of Hospitality! Well, — thou'rt a desperate Fellow, I protest; — design to Cuckold one that hopes to be a Gran∣dee of Spain! — Abominable, by St. Iaques! Come, come, get up; your Wound's not mortal, I'll engage.

Col.

I'm so confounded, I know not what to say.

Serv.

Ay, I thought 'twou'd come to this, — Now shall I be toss'd in a Blanket, burnt, drown'd, hang'd!

Col.
Be quiet, Rascal, and be damn'd!
Gov.

What, you'r out of humour, Sir! I must confess, 'tis a plaguy disappointment. Come, in short, I'll use ye much bet∣ter than you ought to expect. Go with haste and privacy to your Lodgings, and the Town shall know nothing of the mat∣ter: — Your Wig and other Accoutrements shall be sent after ye; but I must use 'em first.

Col.

My Lord, I beg your Pardon for this Attempt; you know ' has been no more.

Gov.

Your Goodwill was not wanting, thanks to your who∣ring Stars.

Col.

Tho' unarm'd, I will not stir from hence, if you practise a thousand Cruelties upon me, unless I have your Promise, that you will not hurt your Wife. — I have Honour, tho' the Rules are now transgress'd. Nor can I leave a Lady (whom my Love has entic'd) to the Resentments of a Spanish Husband.

Gov.

An Honourable Dog, as I hope to be sav'd! by all that's sacred, I ill not hurt her; only she must remain depriv'd of Page  39 that Liberty, which, against our Country's Custom, I had given her.

Col.

That I'm sorry for; but cannot ask more.

Gov.

But I shall ask you to be gone. — Diego —get one of my closest Chairs, and let him be convey'd home, as sick.

Col.

Oh, I cou'd tear my Flesh.

Gov.

No, no, fast and mortifie it.

Col.

I own you generous, but have not the Heart to thank you.

Gov.

I tell ye once again— your Absence will best express your Acknowledgment.

Col.

Your Servant.

Gov.

Oh, your very humble Servant, sweet Friend in a cor∣ner! — Now, Diego! help to equip me.

Exit Colonel.

Dieg.

My Lord!

Gov.

The Perruque, the Perruque block — oh, how the amorous Rogue has perfum'd it, — the Pulvil, Essence, and Powder o'ercomes me.

Dieg.

My Lord, may I presume to tell ye,— your black Beard, and that white Perruque look very disagreeable.

Gov.

No matter, the Curtains will hide that. — Now go to my Wife, and tell her, I am gone to the Castle, to see the Guards reliev'd, and shall sup there.—Tell her also, I desire she wou'd visit the wounded Colonel in my absence.—

Exit Diego.
— Now I shall find if Tittup knew the bottom on't, and were consenting to this Roguery.
Throws himself on the Bed.

Enter his Lady, and Spywell her Woman.
Lady.

Oh, we are happy beyond what we cou'd expect; my Husband sups at the Castle to night, — yet I tremble every Limb of me: — I swear I love this old Governor, and no∣thing but this charming Englishman cou'd have tempted me to break my Vows.

Spyw.

Madam, you walk and talk, you know not where— you are in his Chamber.

Goes towards his Bed.

Lady.

— My Love, my Life, wilt thou not meet me? there is no further need of Counterfeiting.

Governor leaps up, and snatches her Hand.
Page  40
Gov.
Ungrateful Tittup!
His Lady.
(shriking)
Ah!
Gov.

How couldst thou serve me so?

Lady.

Phogh, I knew 'twas you, and did it on purpose to make you jealous.

Gov.

A pies, a pies, no, no, you did not know 'twas I: — I wou'd be deceiv'd, but cannot.

Lady.

Oh, what must I expect?

Gov.

Diego! — first turn this Baggage out o' doors,— and d'ye hear Mistress,—if ye tattle of these Affairs, I'll have ye poyson'd,—else ye are free and safe.

Spyw.

Madam, farewell; I can't excuse my self.

Lady.

Now my Turn's a coming.

Gov.

Ah Tittup! whither, whither art thou fallen?

Lady.

(crying)
No, Deary, not fallen, I was but staggering — and you caught me Deary.

Gov.

For which I humbly conceive, you wish me hang'd, Deary.

Lady.

Indeed, indeed Dary, I'm glad my Honour's safe; — I never had an Inclination before, and never will again, if you forgive me.

Gov.

I'll take care you shall never have another Opportuni∣ty; your back Apartments must be your Prison, and an old Dovegna your Companion, till Tim and Age have wrought off your loose Desires. No more oity toity, — no more appea∣ring at Windows, — dining at Deary's Table, and dancing af∣ter it for Digesion. — I say, Tittup, all these Vanities must be forgotten.

Lady.

Oh! stab me first! Let me not be a May-game to all my Servants, who by my Confinement wou'd guess at my Dis∣grace. You us'd to swear you lov'd your Tittup— I never did a Fault before, but what a Frown might punish — Now let me experience your boased Fondness; and take me to your Heart, with kind relenting smiles — else leave me distracted on the Earth in endless fears bemoaning my Indiscretion, and your Cruelty.

Gov.

(aside.)
I feel I begin to mollifie!

To her.
Oh, Tittup, Tittup! Thou h••t been a Baggage! a Page  41 very Baggage— by the Honour of Spain!

Lady.

I confess I have been frail — But I will be forgiven, so I will — I'll hang about thy Neck; nor leave the dear Place 'till my Pardon's sign'd.

Gov.

What! Give you again your Freedom to see another Colonel, and be again betray'd?

Lady.

No; there is not such another Colonel.

Gov.

How, Tittup!

Lady.

Not such a Tempter; such a Seducer, I meant.

Gov.

Thou pretty Epitome of Womans weakness— I dare not trust thee — Tittup— you must retire.

Lady.

Do, lock me up; and next moment you are gone, I'll hang my self in my own Garters, so I will.— Can you behold your Tittup hang'd? her Eyes gogling, her Mouth, you have buss'd so often, gaping; and her Legs dangling three Yards above Ground? — This is the Sight you must expect.

Gov.

Oh! I can't bear the thoughts on't— Stand farther off— farther yet— that I may rush upon thee with all the vigour of Sixteen, and clasp thee from such a Danger— Thou resistless Ruler of a doting, fond, old Fool! — Here — I forgive thee — but if after this, I catch ye staggering, expect no Mercy.

Lady.

By the new Joys, your returning Kindness brings me, I'll die first!

Gov.

The World may blame my Conduct; but then — they know not Tittup's Charms; the Power of her Eyes, and Pleasure of her Arms. — I cannot raise my Voice to sing, yet — hum! — No; Gad, zooks, 'twon't do.

Lady.

Henceforth

Good Humour shall supply thy want of Youth,
You shall be always kind, I full of Truth.
Exeunt hugging.