The Spanish wives a farce, as it was acted by His Majesty's servants at the theatre in Dorset-Garden.
Pix, Mary, 1666-1720., Brémond, Gabriel de. Pelerin.

SCENE, A Chamber.

Enter Camillus, Friar Andrew, and Hidewell, with a Ladder of Ropes.
Cam.

So, Hidewell! Hast thou got the Ladder of Ropes?

Hidew.

Yes, my Lord, here's all the Tackling.

Fri.

Is it strong? — for I am something weighty.

Cant.

How, Father! just now you said you were worn to Skin and Bone.

Fri.

Ay, my Lord; but you know Bones ill cover'd will soonest be broken.

Cam.

True; take care of your self besure.— Hidewell, I have alter'd my Mind,—Thou sha't along with us; watch on the outside the Wall, and give us notice when the Coast is clear.

Hidew.

With all my Heart.

Fri.

Let me see, have I got my Holy Water about me?

Cam.

Holy Water! for what?

Fri.

Oh! I always love to say my Prayers, and have those Trinkets, when I undertake a dangerous Design.

Cam.

Don't be so prophane, Domine,— you'l never thrive, — yet, if your Devotion's strong, you've time Page  18 enough — We shan't go this Hour or two.

Fri.

Nay, I won't hinder ye, — an Ejaculation as I go along does the Business.

Enter a Serva
Serv.

My Lord, the English Colonel, that lodges in the House, sends to know if you are at leisure.

Cam.

Tell him, I am, — and long to kiss his Hands. — I like that Gentleman, he appears brave

Exit Servus.

And bold — shou'd our Designs grow desperate:
I dare believe he would not scruple his Assistance.
Fri.

Faith and troth I like him too, — he treats like an Em∣peror; I din'd with him to day, — and he so gentilely, so agreeably forc'd Flesh upon me, that by St. Dominick, I cou'd not refue him; tho' 'tis a strict Fast, a horrible strict Fast, as I hope to be an Abbot. — Then the obliging Toad has such a Waggish Eye, I'll pawn my eads, a plaguy Dog for the Women, and they are ever good-natur'd:—By his Holiness's Toe, I love the Sex my self,— for all this dangling Robe, and my foolish Vow of Chastity.

Cam.

'Tis pity you were not a Knight-Errant,— the Church has robb'd the Ladies of a famous Adorer.

Fri.

No, faith, my Lord, I do 'em more Service in these Weeds: I have sav'd many a desperate Soul.

Cam.

How!

Fri.

Thus: in procuring them the full Possession of their Desires; and that suely brought 'em to Repentance; and you know, what Repentance brings 'em to.

Hidew.

Truly, Father, I shall grow angry with you; for if once the Priests take up the Office of Procuring, there will be no Bus'ness for a Lay-Pimp.

Cam.

Peace, — the Collonel comes.

Page  19Enter Colonel Peregrine.
Col.

— I am your Lordship's humble Servant, — I have just had some Musick to complement me, — I am a great Lover of it, — if your Lordship is so, we'l have the Enter∣tainment there.

Cam.

Nothing can oblige me more. — Some Chairs there!

A Dialogue-Song and Dances: at the time of the Dances Camillus and Peregrine seem in Discourse.
Hidew.

If your Lordship pleases, being in this Dress, I will aim at a Jigg, I danc'd thus once in a Masquerade.

Cam.

Prithee do.

A Iigg by Hidewell.

A SONG. Betwixt Mr. Leveridge a Spaniard, and Mrs. Cross an English Lady.
He. FAirest Nymph that ever bless'd our Shore,
Let me those charming Eyes adore,
And fly no more, and fly no more.
She. Spaniard, thy Suit is all in vain;
I was born where Women reign,
And cannot brook the Laws of Spain.
He. For thee my Native Customs I'll forgo,
Cut my black Locks, and turn a Beau.
She. E're I submit to be your Wife,
Listen to an English Husband's life;
With Sparks abroad I'm every day,
Gracing the Gardens, Park, or Play,
Hearing all the pretty things they say;
Give and take Presents, and when that's done,
You thank the Beaux when I come home.
Page  20
He. Oh! I now my Temper fear.
She. Oh! sigh not yet, there's more to hear:
At my Levy crowding Adorers stand,
Fix'd on my Eyes, and grasping my white Hand;
All their Conrts and Oglings bent on me,
Not one regardful Look towards thee:
At this thou must be pleas'd, or else not see.
He. Then we must part, and I must die.
She. If thou art such a Fool, what care I?
He. I cannot share thee, so I am undone.
She. A wiser will supply thy Room.
Chorus. Then we must part, &c.
If thou art such a Fool, &c.
I cannot share thee, &c.
A wiser will supply, &c.
Col.

(To the Singers and Dancers)
— So, well perform'd; — return to my Apartments, I'll be with ye presently.

Exeunt.
Cam.

The odness of our Adventures surprize me: — Both our Mistrisses in the same House! — I hope 'twill fur∣ther our Designs.

Col.

It must. —My Lord, I have a Favour to beg; That you wou'd lend me one of your Implements to morrow, to manage a Plot I have in agitation.

Cam.

Most willingly take your Choice.

Fri.

I am at your Service.

Hidew.

You are so forward, — Canonical Fornication-Broker, — I believe I am fittest for the Gentleman's Service.

Fri.

Goodlack, Upstart! I help'd ye to my Lord, — and now ye are for engrossing all Bus'ness to your self.

Col.

Nay, — I must have the most expert, because the Case is difficult.

Page  21
Fri.

Well! I'll not say much! — But here stands little Andrew, who has undertook to bring a Smock-fac'd Cardinal to a Maddona, secur'd with a Guard more numrous than Argus's Eyes, and more dreadful than the Dragon you wot of — yet spite of massy Doors, impenetrable Bolts, and Italian Padlocks, ffectd it.

Hidew.

Phough! what's that! I have carried on an Amour for the Queen of Spain, — convey'd her Letters made up in Wax-Candles; Love-Complaints writ in the inside of her Glove; besides a Thousand other Contrivances you never dreamt of. — 'Tis true, at last the Fate of all Court-Pimps was mine: I fell into Disgrace; as that had rais'd me, so it ruin'd me; I lost a Coach and Six by my Profession, — And shall you pretend to Rival me?

Fri

You lost! why, Sirrah, Sirrah! I tell thee, if I had im∣ploy'd my Parts in Church-Politicks, in Tricks of Priestcraft, by this time I had been Pope. — But the bringing kind lo∣ving things together, was dearer to me than the Tripple Crown, —And shall a Varlet contend with me?

Col.

Gentlemen! dispute no more; I find either of you is qualified for my purpose.— My Noble Lord, good Night, — if you want me, on the least notice, I am ready.

Exit Col.

Cam.

I thank you, dear Neighbor, good Night. — Hide∣well, take up the Ropes, and come away.

Fri.

Along, Blunderbuss.

Hidew.

I hope, Father Peremptory, before to morrow Morn∣ing, you'l stand in need of my Cunning, to deliver that lov'd Carcass from some imminent Danger.

Fri.

I defie thee, and all thy shallow Imaginations.

Cam.

Leave jangling, and make haste.

Exeunt.