The mysteries of love & eloquence, or, The arts of wooing and complementing as they are manag'd in the Spring Garden, Hide Park, the New Exchange, and other eminent places : a work in which is drawn to the life the deportments of the most accomplisht persons, the mode of their courtly entertainments, treatments of their ladies at balls, their accustom'd sports, drolls and fancies, the witchcrafts of their perswasive language in their approaches, or other more secret dispatches ...

MOCK LETTERS And Drolling Letters.

A Souldier to his Mistress.

Madam,

I Have now left the bloody Banners of Mars to follow Cupids Ensigns. Though I must now confess, the latter to be the severer service: for under the one we onely get broken Pates, under the other wonded Hearts. There we have pay and plunder, here we have neither. But from whence arises all my trouble? 'tis from you Madam, who like Jone of Ar∣quez are risen up to terrifie me in the midst of all my conquests. For alas! the assaults of your eyes have so alarum'd my brest, that it is in vain for me to think of reposing by day, or sleeping by night: Oh! that you would make an end of the War, and come and take me in my own Quarters. Otherwise I must be compell'd to bring my scaling ladders to force that Lathem∣house of Beauty, which is your fair body, to free my self from the hourly incursions, that your perfections make upon my soul. But why do I rage? Deliver it by fair means. By the Nails of Jupiter of you will not delay to do it, I swear there is no man shall venture his life further to defend you from the Batteries of lying fame or injurious slander. And more then that, you shall find me the most faithful Knight that ever smote terri∣ble Gyant for fair Ladies sake,

A Pedagogue to his Mistress.

Most Dear Star,

KNow you not that you are already mounted above the Ho∣rizon of Accomplish'd. Nihil verius est. There is nothing more true. And being thus the Miracle of your Perfections, and the perfection of your Miracles, with a soft violence ye have wounded my bleeding soul. Foemineo teneri tribuuntur. The Feminine gender is very troublesome; But O Damsel! as fair as you are cruel, and as cruel as you are fair, do not resem∣ble that treacherous Emperour Nero, who took pleasure to see the City of Rome on fire. O! do not from the turret of your merits, with delight, behold not onely the Suburbs, but even the City of my Heart to burn, with all the Churches in it, that I have dedicated to your honour. For I can assure you more fair then Venus, then Venus of Cyprus, as the Grammar hath it, Creta, Brittannia, Cyprus, Great Britain and Cyprus; that whatever Oration or Sillogism, poor, miserable, and passive, I can make by way of special demonstration is onely to shew and acknowledge how much I am your superlative servant, per omnes casus, in all cases.

A Cockney to his Mistress

My Dear Peggie,

I Have here sent thee these Lines writ with my tears, and a little blacking that our Maid rubs my Fathers Shoes with, that I may unload a whole Cart-load of grief into the Ware∣house of thy bosome. Truly Peggie, I think I shall die, for I can neither eat, nor drink, nor sleep, nor wake. Nothing that my Mother can buy, either in Cheap-side or Newgate-Market will go down with me; yet, you know my mother's as pretty a H••swife as any in the Town. She seeing me look as pale as the Linen in Moor-fields, and moping in the Chimney corner, bid the Maid fetch me a Cap, and ask'd me if I would have any Sugar sops. But I cry'd no, I'de have Peggie, with that she jeer'd me, saying, What are you love-sick Tom? And then I

I cry'd, and made a noise like a C•••• upon the Tiles. But let all the world say what they will, I will pout and be sick, and my Father and Mother shall lose their eldest Son, but Ile have Peggie, that I will. I beseech thee not to omit any occasion of writting to me, that since I cannot kiss thy hand, I may kiss the Letters that thy hand did write. The Bearer hereof is our Cook-maid, one that pitties my condition, and is very trusty: I have therefore engag'd her to call and see thee every time she goes to Market. My Mothers Rings are all close lockt up, else I would steal one to send it thee: however, I intreat thee to ac∣cept of the good will for the deed, and to take in good part the endeavours of thy most faithful Servant.

Postscript

As I was going to seal, my Father came in, taken suddenly and desperately ill. The Physicians were sent for, and by their whispering, assure me that he cannot live; assoon as he is dead I shall not fail to visit thee, and make sure work between us.

A Sea-man to his delight in Wapping.

Kind if not unkind Susan.

HAving read in a Ballad, how that a Woman is compared to a Ship, it made me to conceive no small reason, for a Sea-mu∣tual love between us. Since it is most certain that a Sea-man cannot be without a Ship, nor, a Ship without a Sea-man, do not therefore shipwrack my good intentions in their first Voyage to thee. Alas! for thou hast no reason to despise me, because my Cloathes are besmear'd with Pitch and Tar, knowing that I shall stick the faster to thee. I must confess I have cast An∣chor in the Harbour of thy Love, do not cut the Cable of my Affections, lest I am adrist into a Sea of misery; and where the Waves of des••air encreas'd by the North-wind of thy disdain, shall dash out my brains against the Rocks of Misfortune. ••l••••nce, I am in already, neither is it in my tower to help my self. O Susan, Susan, Susan! receive my floating soul into the Cock-boat of thy heart, that thy poor Richard may not die, but live to recompence thee the Preserver of his life.

A Hector to his Mistress.

Most Illustrious Queen of Beauty,

BY the heard of Achilles my affections groan for you; Your perfections have trapand me: For when I had the honour to smell your odoriferous breath, me thought it pleas'd me better then the sent of the best Spanish Tobacco. And when I kiss'd your vermillion lips, I suck'd Canary from them. Now Lady, your Sack and Tobacco are the two strings to the bowe of a mans life; Oh, thou that art the third string to the bowe of my life! bind thy self about my waste, that I may be thy Oak, and thou my Ivy; or else that I may bear thee up and down the Town like the Fellow that carries his Brother in his belly. Destroy not him that both can and will destroy millions for thy sake. But be my Aqua Coelestis, my Castle of strong water, to defend from the Batteries of misfortune, the drooping spirits of thy dejected Slave.

A Lawyer to his Young Mistress.

Madam,

THis Indenture made the thirteenth day of April, in the year, One thousand six hundred fifty six, Witnesseth, that I John a Stiles of Long Acre in the County of Bedford, Gent. am a person of credit and reputation. Hoping therefore that you are in good health, as I am at the writing hereof. These are to certifie you that I am sick at the very heart for love of you. The Judge thinks me mad, for when I should plead, I fall 〈◊〉〈◊〉 courting of him, telling him he is the Star of my affections, and that unless he will marry me, I shall be undone. My Clients also leave me, for while I peruse their papers, they hearing me sigh so cruelly, begin to despair of their Cause, and go away in dis∣content, without giving their fees. But all this, my pretty Dar∣ling, may be help'd by thee. Deigne therefore to bargain, sell, and to farm let, that fair Tenement of Beauty, which is thy self, unto him, that cares not what he gives for the purchase; together with the hands, legs, arms, fingers, toes, hair, eyes head, thighs, belly, water courses, eas〈…〉〈…〉ents, commodities, and appurtenances whatsoever, to the foresaid Tenement belonging.

That I may have, hold, occupy, and enjoy them for the term of years wherein thou shalt live; at the expiring thereof fully to be compleat and ended. And I on the other part do pro∣mise and grant, to, and with thee my foresaid pretty Darling, to be thy old Fool, thy doting Fool, and to give thee all that I have for a Joynture. And further, that thou shalt live in the Countrey, and cuckold me, all' the Term-time, and come up every year after Easter to buy thee Pins, Gloves and Ribbands, and a new Gown. In witness whereof I have hereunto set my Hand and Seal the Day and Year first above-written.

A Passionate Love Letter.

LOve having taken your Beauties for Arms, had long since laid siege to my Liberty, which was retreated within the Fort of my Reason, when without putting himself to the trou∣ble of a Scalado, he is fled into my Eyes, and is by that way entred into my Heart, as a Robber breaks into a house through the windows. The sufferings I am in through his means are very violent, but being at length appeased, he hath sworn to me that the remedy lay in your power; and that all I had to do, was to write to you of it: But seeing me a Secre∣tary very ill furnish'd with the necessaries of my profession, he took a Quill out of his own wing, and made me a pen with the point of his dart; he hath given me paper made of his old Headbands by a celestial paper-maker; he took the coals of my heart which was half burnt, and having beaten them to powder, he mingled them with my tears, and thereof hath fur∣nished me with ink, with which I have written to you; and for to dry the writing, he cast the ashes of those coals upon it. He gave me waxout of his torch to seal it, and cut off a little peice of the string of his bowe for me to binde withall. And now fair Lady consider, if having assisted me thus far so favour∣ably, he may not with as little difficulty, furnish me with all his arrows for to wound you, and make you sick of the same disease, as he is, who terms himself,

Your Slave.

The Mountebank's Letter to the Chyrurgeons.

Gentlemen,

HAving had continual and daily experience in several parts for many years together, in the cure of the French Dis∣ease, with as good success as mine own heart could wish; and now at length desiring to shew my self a profitable member of this Commonwealth and City wherein I abide, I could not chuse but write to you, by way of advice, seeing so many errors among you, tending all to the destruction of the Patient. In the first place, I counsel thee O man or woman, who ere thou ar••, that dost profess the cure of Venereal Distempers, to avoid that common fault among all the Professors thereof, which is Coveteousness. For if a young man or a young woman hath by chance got a Clap, and is willing to give all he hath, ra∣ther then to endure the disease long, wilt thou be so base and sordid, to make his or her earnest desire to be the cause of thy exaction. Assure thy self that money got by such exaction, will be a worm to consume that part of thy Estate which thou hast honestly got. In the next place, be not too inquisitive of any Patient who he is, and where he dwells; for if he have not a mind to tell thee, what hast thou to do to enquire any thing concerning him? Thirdly, judge not rashly of him, as who should say, you have been lying with a Wench; for you cannot but know that there are many ways of getting Claps beside that one; as by drinking with the party, lying in a hot bed with him, sitting upon a close-stool after him; as also by lifting, riding, or any other manner of straining. Then let every Patient receive his cure with all privacy. And lastly, do not flatter me daily with any patient whatsoever. This is the part which ye have to act upon the Theatre of this world, which, if thou dost not justly perform, consider, I say, consi∣der, that you must make your exits into Stoves and Sweating∣tubs, much hotter then those with which you ever afflicted your patients withall, being on earth. Heaven direct your course, that you may be neither Cheaters, Imposters, nor Cozeners, as most are who profess the cure of Venereal Di∣stempers; but that ye may be in this, as well as in all your other actions, faithful and honest; which is the daily wish of

Your Friend and Servant.

A Broom-man in Kent-street, to a young Lay of quality, whom he fell in Love withall, behold∣ing her in a Belcony.

Madam,

AND by that word you may know I am no zuch Clown as you may take me for, in good sooth law now, your fair face hath wounded me to the very hart, so that I would give all the old Shoes in my Sack to enjoy the happiness of your sweet company. I know that Ladies love variety, so that I am bold to think it would be no small recreation to you, when you have been glutted with the company of your silk and satten Gallants, to converse two or three hours with a ta••terd Broom-man. I have heard in some Ballads, how the Gods did condescend to come upon the earth, and dine with poor people; much less therefore should you being but a mortal Lady, disdain to eat a peice of bread and cheese, now and then, with a sorry Broom-man. There is a Proverb that tells the Gentlemen, that Jone is as good as my Lady in the dark: and why should there not be another Proverb to tell the Gentlewomen, That Tom is as good as my Lord in the dark. I do not want examples to tell you, how that the Queen of Fairies married a Tinker, and of several Ladies that have married their Gentlemen Ushers, others their Fathers Grooms, and others their Butlers. Now I believe my self not inferiour to any of those. As for what you, as a Woman, can expect from a man, I know my self sufficiently able, of which I have sent you a Certificate, signed with the Marks of most of the pretty Lasses in this street; neither do I doubt of the continuance thereof, unless your hard heart do con∣sume my marrow with grief and anguish of mind; do not therefore kill me, who though I am but a Broom-man, dare swear my self as faithful a Servant to you, as any man in Eng∣land, Scotland, France or Ireland. Pray send me word by this Bearer, for I stay within in great perplexity, and can∣not stir abroad with my Ware till I hear your Answer.

The Ladies Answer

Gentle Broom-man,

I Understand the great affection which thou hast signified to me in thy Letter. For which I give thee ten millions of thanks. Truly thy eloquent expression, and pat examples have begot so great an affection toward thee, that the smoak of all the Shoes thou hast in thy Ware-house, were they on fire, is not able to smother the flames which thou hast kindled in my heart. I shall not come to thee in my Coach, lest it should draw out all the Wenches in the street to stare upon our private affections. But if thou wilt make haste home from crying thy Ware about the streets, I shall not fail to meet thee at the Wool-sack in Kent-street, by six a clock to mor∣row night, where I doubt not but that I shall be able to give thee sufficient testimonies of my humility, and affable nature. In the mean time, I have sent thee a Flanders-lace Band, and a Diamond Ring, to wear for my sake. Wash thy feet, and put some sweet powder in thy hair, and be confident in so do∣ing, thou wilt render thy self most acceptable to thy

Endeared Friend and Servant.

A Country Parson to a rich Farmers Daughter in the same Village.

Kind Mistress Dorothy,

THE Parson of this Parish doth send thee greeting in these Lines. For verily last Sunday as I was preaching, thou didst dart from thy eyes the love of thy amiable features into my brest. So that even as a Woman with Child longeth for the corner of an Apple-tart, or a piece of raw Mutton, so do I thirst after thee; and even as a Virgin that eateth Chalk and drinketh Vinegar, looks pale, & loseth her stomach, so do I look pale with languishing for thee, and my belly is shrunk up for want of food; for I have not eaten above half a surloin of Beef, forty tythe Egs, thirty black Puddings, and five great brown Apple-pies, since Sunday last, that your Father took me home

to dinner, which is now almost a week. I shall put it to thy choice, whether thou wilt be courted in publick or in private; for I have made five delicate Sermons upon the most amo∣rous place in all the Canticles, wherewithall to allure thee into my embraces. If thou dost consent, then will I go to thy mother, and as the childe desireth the maid to spread him some bread and butter for his afternoons Luncheon, so will I desire her to give thee unto me that I may spread my my self upon thee. If she replyeth, Yea, Then will I speak to her in the words of Saint Bernard, saying, I thank you hear∣tily good Mother. But if she say unto me, Nay, then as Saint Cyprian hath it very well: I shall be ready to hang my self. Be thou therefore my preserver, and my intercessour, that nei∣ther thou mayest want a Husband, nor the Parish a Minister, nor thy Mother a Man to devour her bag puddings.

A Letter of Smiles from a young conceited Scrivener to his beloved Mistress, Mistress D. C. Spinster.

Madam,

I No sooner saw you, but the tinder of my affection began to take fire. For your beauty was to me like the hearb Larix, cool in the water, but hot in my stomack. So that as Pharaoh did long to know his dream, so did I long to know what would become of me, as to your good liking of me. Be not therefore a beauty without compassion, which is like a Mandrake apple, comely in shew; but poisonful in taste. But woe is me, for I find that my words have wrought no more impression on your heart then an arrow on a rock of Adamant. So that I may say of you, that as in the greenest Grass is the greatest Serpent, in the clearest Water the ugliest Toad; so is your fair Body lin'd with a cruel Soul. Alas, you have no mercy on my captivity, so that I am like the Spaniel that gnaws his chain, but sooner spoils his teeth then procures liberty. But as a Bladder is to a learning Swimmer, so is Hope to me; which makes me apt to believe, that as there is no Iron but will be softned with the fire, so there is no Heart how hard so ever, that will not be soft∣by continual prayers. I confess my expression is but like a

picture drawn with a coal, wanting these lively colours, which a more skilful Pen might give it. However consider, that the Sun disdains not to shine upon the smallest Worm. Reconcile your self to the humblest of your Vassals, and do not through your Marble-hearted-cruelty utterly overwhelm him with Sence-distracting grief, like a Current that breaks the Dams, and with a vigorous impetuousness drowns the Fields.

A Countrey Bumpkin to his Mistress.

Sweet honey Jone,

I Have here sent thee a thing, such a one as the Gentlefolks call a Love Letter: 'twas indited by my self after I had drank two or three good draughts of Ale, but 'twas writ in a Roman joyning-hand by the School-master and Clerk of our Parish, to whom I gave six pence for his pains. Truly Jone, my parents never brought me up to speak finely as my Land∣lords Son doth, but this I can say in downright terms, I love thee. Marry Jone, many time and oft have I fetcht home thy Cows, when no body knew who did it. Marry Jone, thou know'st I always plaid a thy side at stool ball, and when thou didst win the Garland in the Whitson-holidayes, marry Jone, I was sure to be drunk that night for joy. Marry Jone, cry I still, but when wilt thou marrie, Jone? I know thou dost love Will. the Taylor, who, 'tis true, is a very quiver man, and foots it most fetuously; but I can tell thee Jone, I think I shall be a better man then he shortly, for I am learning of a Fidler to play o'the Kit; so that if thou wilt not yield the sooner, I will ravish thee ere long with my musick. 'Tis true I never yet gave thee a Token, but I have here sent thee a peice of silver Ribband; I bought it in the Exchange, where all the folks houted at me, but thought I, hout and be hang'd and you will, for I will buy a Knot for my love. I assure thee Jone, 'twill make a better shew then a Gilt Bay-leaf, and for this year be the finest sight in all our Church. But what wilt thou give me for this Jone? alas, I ask nothing but thy self; come Jone thou shalt give me thy self, come prethe Jone give me thy self. What a happy day would that be, that to see us with our best Cloathes

on at Church, and the Parson saying, 〈◊〉〈◊〉 Tom, take thee Jone, and by the mass I would take thee, and hug thee, and lug thee too, and hey then away to the Alehouse, and hey for the Musitioners, and the Canaries, and the Sillabubs, and the Shoulder a Mutton and gravie, with a hey down derry and a diddle diddle dee. Thus having no more to say, I rest in as∣surance of thy good will, thine

honestly, truly and blewly,

FINIS.