The mysteries of love & eloquence, or, The arts of wooing and complementing as they are manag'd in the Spring Garden, Hide Park, the New Exchange, and other eminent places : a work in which is drawn to the life the deportments of the most accomplisht persons, the mode of their courtly entertainments, treatments of their ladies at balls, their accustom'd sports, drolls and fancies, the witchcrafts of their perswasive language in their approaches, or other more secret dispatches ...

Mock-Complements, or Drolling-Complements.

A Complement between a Gentleman and a Gentlewoman before a Riband-Shop in the Exchange.

MAdam, y'are welcom to this Paradise of Toys: be pleas'd to chuse what you like, and I shall sacrifice to your beauty upon the Altar of this Stall, what gold you shall think fit to command from my pockets.

Sir, You enrich me with your gifts; I'le assure you Sir; I do as freely accept of your kindness, as you do liberally be∣stow them: for we Ladies of this Town, seldom have any mercy upon a Country-gentlemans pocket, when we meet with an opportunity to empty it.

Madam, Your nimble eye wherewith you do espie the faults of garb and habit, emboldens me to crave your judg∣ment concerning the cut of my Breeches, the choise of my Fancies, and the fling of my Legs.

Sir, For your clothes, were not your Breeches a little too long, they were Jeer-proof against all the Ladies either in Hide-Park or Spring-Garden. You walk with such a Barbary prance and stately step, that your feet are like load-stones, drawing the eyes of all persons on you.

Madam, I wish the Gods would transform me into this Fan, that I am now about to give you, that I might be always puf∣fing

into your mouth the breath of my affections; or this piece of Ribband, that I might always hang about you in two ••assels, the one at your breast, the other at your breech.

Sir, I never fancied flesh-colour knots, nor am I about to build Cities, that you should proffe•• me your hide to measure the compass of the walls; If I were your favours, Sir, merit, that I should like Dido, use something else for that work; rather chusing you for my Aeneas, to help me to people it.

A Horse Courser courting a Parsons Widow.

Lady, The great affections that I bear you, and the great de∣sire I have to be luckie in Horse-flesh, spur me on to accost you with an humble request, that I may be your Servant.

Sir, Your proper person and eloquent language would ac∣cuse me of ingratitude, should my obstinacy to your reason∣able demands be any hindrance to your fortunate Markets.

An Apprentice and a young Lady at a Boarding-School.

Lady, Seeing the painted cloth of your Vertues hang out at the window, and Fame standing at the door with a trum∣pet in her hand, I could not chuse, out of a natural inclina∣tion which I have to Sights and Puppet-playes, but step in to behold the monstrousness of our Beauties; and now, Ma∣dam, having seen you, I admire you more then the Hairy-Gentlewoman.

Sir, Your kindness proceeds more from your goodness then my desert; but you must give me leave to think you com∣plement, since you have compar'd me to a person whose in∣comparable qualities are as much above mine, as Pauls is above St. Gregories.

Lady, If you'l be pleas'd to take a Cheesecake, and a bottle of Beer, as the earnest of my affection, I shall think my self honour'd with waiting on you to the next Ale∣house.

Sir, I shall not refuse the proffer of your kindness, for the short Commons our Mistriss allows us, makes us very willing to embrace such invitations.

At the Cake-house.

Madam, Let me beg a kiss from you, that I may drink to you in that liquor which I most love, the Nectar of your lips.

Your servant, Sir, now give me leave to pledge you in that liquor which I most love, which is a cup of bottle Ale, for I am very dry.

Madam, These Cheesecakes were made to eat, I would you could feed on them with that eagerness, that I could feed on the perfections of your face; there is in them sweetness, ten∣derness, and pleasantness, the emblems of your qualifications.

Sir, I know not how to recompence these favours, so that I am troubled that I must be now more in your debt, before I have gratifi'd your first kindnesses; for I must desire you to give me leave to go ••orth to make water.

At Parting.

Empress of my soul, God give you good night, many thanks to you for your sweet company.

I must return the same acknowledgments to you again, Sir, who have this night both fill'd my heart with your Love, and my belly with good Cheesecakes.

A Passado Complement between a Gentleman and a Lady, meeting in two several Coaches in the High-way going to Hide-Park.

Your most humble servant, Madam, I bless the opportu∣nity that now gives me leave to tell you how much I honour you, since you are the only Lady that ride triumphant in the Coach-box of my heart.

Sir, I do not know how I have merited so great a favour, I wish it were a sufficient recompence to let you understand, that you are the only person that hold the Reins of my affection.

Madam, Be pleased to honor me with your commands, and I shall diet my self like a Race-horse, that I may be swift to obey them.

Sir, My commands are only, that you would accept of my love, which I bestow upon you with the same freeness

that you ever gave your Mistress bottle Wine and Tarts.

Oh Dear, Madam your most humble servant, drive on Coach-man.

Between a Gentlemam and a Sempstress.

Lady, The neat cut of your Bands which I do now and then send for by my Foot-boy, hath brought me to visit the maker of those comely ornaments of my neck.

Sir, Were it not for speaing against my Trade and Profit, I would say that your good face needs no band.

Then the Gentleman ••olling over the Counter thus proceds.

Truly Mistress, I do not wonder that your pretty fingers do stitch up so many neat ornaments, seeing that you are that very picture of ornament it self, and doubtless your Trade must be very innocent for you deal all in white.

Sir, Your good opinion doth much oblige me; yet I en∣treat the favour of you to believe, that there is as much deceit in our Trade, as in any occupation about London.

Lady, You may perceive by my behaviour and my garb, that I am a person wholly made up of complements, so that the greatest complement that I can give you, is my self. And as a testimony of this I should be glad to give you a treatment at the Sebastian over against Southampton-house, not daring to doubt, but that you are, as fame speaketh most of your calling, of a courteous and yielding nature.

Sir, Your great estate would argue me of folly, should I de∣ny you any thing that may obtain your custome.

Between a Journeyman-Haberdasher of small Wares, and a Ladies Chamber-maid.

Fair Creature,

For whose sake Cupid became a Weaver; that he might twist into thee all his mothers graces, grant me the favor to accost thy coral lip, that I may shew thee how my Master kisses my Mistress.

Sir, Though our Butler hath bin teaching me something of

this nature already, yet I shall be glad to take better example from your more exquisite accomplishments.

Lady, I have here brought you four pair of blew Shoe∣strings to signifie the knots wherewith you have tied my heart; as also a Love-hood, to remember you of the love I bear you; and a pair of trimm'd Gloves, that when your fingers are im∣prisoned in them, you may think upon the captivity into which you have brought my soul. 'Tis true, I rather chose to steal then buy them, partly having the advantage of my Ma∣sters Shop, and partly knowing how much young people do delight in stoln contents.

Sir, Though I that am a Chamber-maid, an exact Trim∣mer of Gloves, have deserved these, and greater ••avors then these; yet if you will bring me when you come hither next Sunday a set of Lemon colour and silver Knots, I shall then think it my part to study the satisfaction of your desires; but it must be upon good conditions.

Lady of my constant affections, impose what conditions you please, the strictest of them will not be too heavy for him that desires to bear the burthen of your love.

Briefly thus Sir, You must let me have young Pease by lat∣ter end of March, ripe Cherries by May-day; in clothes none of my quality must go finer then I. 'Twill be your gain, for I shall sit in the Shop and invite custom.

Mistriss Prudentia, You may think I lye now, but let me ne∣ver stir more if I do; in reality I love you; and as for these conditions, if I do not follow them, then cut my throat, and throw me into the House of office; what can a man say more?

Well Sir, go to, I'le tell you more next Sunday; but be sure you remember my Knots.

Between a Gentleman Usher, and a Waiting Gentlewoman.

Bright pearl in Natures eye, I have made a journey from my looking-glass hither, that I may present you my exiguous devoires.

Sir, Your exquisite knowledge in the service of Ladies emboldens me to desire a ••avour of your hands, that you would be pleas'd, the maids being all busie in washing, to help me to comb my head.

Lady, The softness of your Hair betrays the softness of your disposition, and indeed how should it be otherwise, it having been so long sleek'd with the smoothing-iron of a mild and gentle education.

Sir, As one shoulder of mutton drives down another, so the readiness wherewith you have done me one courtesie makes me to request another from you, that when my Lady is engag'd abroad in company, you would be pleas'd to carry a Complement from me to a Sweet-heart of mine, a Barber in Fleet-street; I can assure you, that for my sake, he will give you a cast of his Office for nothing at any time.

Lady, You have ript up an old sore in my heart, which hath been wounded long ago by your Beauty; for it was now my intention to have ingrafted my self into your affection.

Oh, Sir, I dare not presume upon a man that goes before my Lady; beside, that your Periwig and the smallness of the Calf of your Leg, would cause the Hickup in my Fancy should you urge your request any further, and therefore I implore you to desist.

Between a Lawyers Clerk and his Masters Daughter.

Most celestial beam of Beauty, I have receiv'd you into my heart, which like a burning-glass contracting the heat of your rayes, is now all on fire, not to be quench'd but by the moi∣stening julip of your affection.

Kind Robin, I have long thought thee to be what now I find thee, a Phenix among men, which thou provest, by going about to die in thy flames: but heaven forbid, I will first make water in a bason, and give it thee wherein to bathe thy burning breast, before I will be depriv'd of thy service.

How willingly Mrs. Mary, should I receive such a stream into my bosom. But, Oh your Father; he's the shoe that wrings us both by the foot; methinks I hear him saying al∣ready, Out ye poor condition'd slut; what, marry your Fa∣thers Clerk?

Come Robin, Clerk me no Clerks, I love thee; and if my father do compel me to marry another, yet Robin, thou know∣est there are private corners in London.

Mrs. Mary, I bow with all reverence to your manifold fa∣vours. But what do you think of a little horse-play in the time.

Robin, I acknowledge thy civility, and shall not refuse any occasion to gratifie thy reasonable request; for I love tumbling dearly.

Between the Countrey Bumkin and his Mistriss going to a Fair.

Well overtaken my dear Katie, I no sooner heard that thou wert gone to the Fair, but I came a swinging pace after thee; for in troth Katie I love thee above all things, as a man may say, in the versal world. Alas, Katie, thy love hath gor'd me to the very heart, so that I shall be always as sick as a Horse till thou hast cur'd me with the plaister of thy love.

Nay Richard, As bad as I love thee, I do not love thee so Ill, but that I'le kiss my lips into a consumption to save thy life.

Ita, say'st thou me so Kate, God a mercy for that girle, by the mass, and that word shall cost me the best fairing in the Ped∣lers pack. Come hold by my skirts, and let's make all the haste we can Kate.

O Dear, Richard, how you sweat! here take my handkercher to wipe your face. But Richard, must not I wear a gold Ring like my Dame, when I am married

I Kate, and a posie in it too, which shall be this, Richard and Kate shall live without hate. 'Twas my own invention, and judge you now Kate, if I be not a brave blade to lead a Hen to water.

Truly Richard did I not take you for a very pretty fellow, you should not be so much in my books as you are; I know more then one or two that would kiss my back side to have half those favours from me that you have received. Heaven bless us, how the Fair's crouded already.

In the Fair.

Come Kate, follow close, unhook my dublet, take fast hold on my Wasteband, shoulders make room for your Mistriss. Thom, dost do, Thom Kate where are ye, what do ye like at that Stall.

Oh Richard, Ile tell thee what thou shalt give me; A silver Bodkin to scratch my head at Church withal, and a silver Thimble to make thy Wedding Shirt.

What thou wilt Kate, my fobb buttons and unbuttons at thy

command. Uds boars Kate, why dost think I won't please my Sweet-heart, Yes faith, and ••l'e give thee a Bottle of white Wine and Sugar too at the George, before we go home.

At the Inn.

Come Kate, give me thy Suger-candy first. Here's to thee with heart and good will. And now caperDick for joy; Katie's thine, Katie's thine, boy. I have purchased her with a silver Bodkin, and a Thimble, and she's now my Tenant in Tail: come Girle, give me thy hand once more, and strike me good luck.

Here Richard, here's to thee. I'le warrant thee a merry grigg how ere the world go.

Come say away Girle;

Hey down a down a derry down, Hey down a down a derry do? My Love she is as brown as a Nut, My Love's a very pretty little Slut; She hath a dimple in her chin, And I am he that did her win.

Nay 'tis true Kate, and I'le lay our pie-bald Mare against any Horse in the Town, that thou hast as pretty a smelling brow as any Lass in the Countrey.

Ay, but Richard will you think so hereafter? Will you not when you have me throw stools at my head; and cry, Would my eyes had been beat out of my head with a cricket-ball, the day before I saw thee.

Kate, My Infections are greater toward thee yn so. But if I should chance to call louder then ordinary, why, 'tis but saying hold your tongue Dick, here's piece of bag-budding for you: I and my mouth is stopt presently.

Richard, thou dost well to tell me some of thy humors; But art thou not terrible mad when th'art drunk, and quarrelsome withall?

No Kate, as quiet as any Lambkin: All that I shall do is one∣ly this, that when I come home, I may snore an hour or two perhaps with my head in thy lap; then I start up and cry, Hoh Kate, what's a clock? and so go to bed.

Well Richard, my left eye itches, which puts me in mind of

going home, for I'm afraid my Dame will thrash my bones for staying so long.

Between the Coach-man and the Kitehin-maid.

Fair Goddess of the pottage pot, how done you do tzip morning?

In truth George, I find my self very hot.

Oh, I am glad that you begin to feel the heat which you make me suffer.

Why, what hurt have I done you? have I scratch'd you, or prickt you with any of my loose pins, or have I trod upon your corns? Truly Bess, you are in the right on't, for the nails of your allurements have scratch'd my mind, the pins of your features have prick'd me; and the foot of your disdain hath trod upon the toes of my perseverance; and besides all this, you have struck me to the heart.

With what good George.

With the miracles of your beauty.

Alas that cannot be, for I am blacker then the Crock in the Chimney.

Truly Bess, if thou art a Chimney Crock, thou oughtest not to be us'd in any place, but in the Chimneys of the Gods, where there is no fire made but that of Love. Oh that I were some Celestial Kettle that I might hang always over thee, that I might be never separated from thee!

George, You will never leave your jeers, but 'tis no matter, I have a back broad enough to bear'em. Truly Bess, I speak nothing but the truth; measure me according to the greatness of my affections, not by the smallness of my deserts; and though I am but a poor Coach-man, scorn me not, for I can tell you of Goddesses themselves, that have affected mortal men, perhaps meaner then my self.

The Picture of the Poets Mistress.

Gentleman, step in and see the begining; here is a Lady worth your seeing, She was born like Minerva, for she hath been breeding like mites in old cheese, in the heads of several Poets for this thousand years. Who have at length produc'd her to out-miracle the Hairy Gentlewoman; being quite contrary to

her, for hair she hath none, her head being cover'd with an Aurora colour'd silk, which hangs dis-shevel'd about her shoulders; instead of curls it is ty'd in nooses, such as they catch Jacks withall, with which she recreates her self in fish∣ing for Gudgeons. Her fore-head is a Tower planted all about with Cupids artillery; The whole structure of her head re∣sembles a stately Palace; Her nose is the Throne where Ju∣piter himself sits under the Arches of her brows, which are not brows but two rainbows, to signifie the warry temper of their eyes; Instead of her eyes she hath two burning Torches in each hole, and here by the way, the Poets tell a story, how that Cupid about a hundred years ago sing'd his wings in the flames thereof, and falling into one of the corners, was al∣most drown'd in the Rhume; Her lips are two Altars of red Coral, continually reeking with the incense that comes from her mouth; Her teeth are not made of bone like those of other Women, but of the tears of true lovers congealed into pearl; Her Neck is nothing but a cloud, out of which you may see a Sun break ••orth to enlighten the two Orbs of her breast; though indeed they are not so properly to be termed Orbs, as Mountains, resembling the two hillocks that are upon Mount Parnassus; these overlook her belly, which is not a belly, but rather a plain, large and smooth, like that near Sa∣lisbury. Further I might go, but the Painter being not willing to draw more, makes me as abruptly to break off with my Pen, as he did with his Pencil.

Many Books have been written of sundry, and several Arts and Sciences, so that even the scabby invention of Short-hand hath not wanted Printed Instructions for the attaining there∣of. Yet strange it is to tell, that there never was yet any Book published concerning the Art of Ushering Ladies; doubt∣less it would have sold well, and might aptly have been call∣ed, The Gentleman Usher in Print. Therefore that this gene∣ration of Men may no longer live like Jews, depending whol∣ly upon Tradition; it was thought requisite to set them down some few Precepts, not doubting but that some or other of them, in their lazie hours, may build greater works upon this small Foundation.

The Choice of a Gentleman Usher.

He ought to be indifferently tall, that is, being measured with a Carpenters Rule, seven foot, three inches, and a quarter. He ought to have haunted Dancing Scools with more zeal then the old Women have that go to St. A••••li••s; He ought diligently to have studied over Melchi•• Swashbucklerus, de hol∣dendo ha••••um in hando, and Cussius Candus of the Ornaments of Nations; he ought to be a diligent Observer of Fashions, and an espyer of faults in the garb and house keeping of other La∣dies, that he may be able to furnish his own Lady now and then with discourse. Lastly, he must have a good head of hair, and handsom feet without corns.

How he must be fitted for Service.

Having been bespoken, and received earnest, he must de∣sire a weeks time to fit himself for her Ladiships service. The first two days he must walk in iron Boots, and an iron Breast and Back-piece, such as children wear that have the rickets, to bring his body into an upright and perfect po∣sture. After that he must drink Scurvygrass-Ale to reform his complexion. He must then furnish himself with all the Books of Complementing, and be sure to get enough to ena∣ble him to shew his wit the first night before the Waiting Gentlewoman at the Stewards Table. His motion must be with such a Clock-work formality, as if he were only made to strike the Quarter-Bell upon Bow-Steeple. This must be practised every morning in his Looking-glass, and he must not suffer himself to eat until he find he hath profited something.

His Behaviour in the House.

He must be affable to his fellow-servants, especially the Wait∣ing-Gentlewoman and the Cook; to the one for his break∣fast, to the other for a kiss or two now and then, and that she may speak well of him to her Lady; when he goes before his Lady he must walk as circumspectly as a Milk-maid with a pail upon her head, crying ever and anon, by your leave Gentlemen.

He ought in company to value himself according to the de∣gree of his Lady, wherein he must have a care not to lose the least atome of her dignity. His pockets must not be greasie, because he may have occasion to carry his Ladies Hoods and Scarfs in them. He ought not to cast any affection upon his Masters daughter, for the Butler having more wit then himself, made sure of her before he could make his approaches.

His Dressings.

He must not be long in dressing himself, because of walking the Rounds of his morning Visits. The heels of his Shoes ought to be long and very slender, that he may tread with the more grace, and make the less noise. His clothes ought to be put on with so much accurateness, as if he were to dress himself every day for his life, or if the world would perish, were there a wrinkle in his Band; white Gloves he must not want, for they like white staves in other employments, are the badges of his preferment. In his Hair he must be as nice as the ancient Greeks, and good reason that he should make much of it while he hath it, it being uncertain how long a man in his place may keep it.

The Diseases incident to Gentlemen Ushers, and their Cures.

The first is, when his hair doth utterly abandon his head, leaving his ears open to all reproaches, finding the wages of their nourishment as small as the recompence of his service.

The Cure of this, is by way of humble Petition to the Gen∣tlewoman, to afford him her Combings, and some few spare Locks, to hide the nakedness which she laid bare.

The other is the dwindling away of the calves of his legs; This happens from his being overtoyl'd; for being to divide himself between the Lady and her Woman, they never leave sucking him, till they have made him so transparent that you may see his very thoughts. For the cure of this disease, he must go to the Hosier instead of the Apothecary. If the Gen∣tlewoman will take the pains to nurse him, his body may per∣haps return again to his soul, otherwise he dies like a Silk∣worm, having spun out himself to pleasure others.