Titus and Berenice, a tragedy acted at the Duke's Theatre : with a farce called The cheats of Scapin / by Tho. Otway.

ACT II.

SCENE I.

Enter Thrifty and Gripe.

Gr.

SIr, what you tell me concerning your Son, hath strangely frustrated our Designs.

Thr.

Sir, trouble not your self about my Son, I have underta∣ken to remove all Obstacles, which is the business I am so vigo∣rously in pursuit of.

Gr.

In troth, Sir, I'l tell you what I say to you, The Education of Children after the getting of e'm, ought to be the nearest Con∣cern of a Father: And had you tutored your Son with that Care and Duty incumbent on you, he never could fo slightly have for∣feited his.

Thr.

Sir, to return you a Sentence for your Sentence. Those that are so quick to Censure and condemn the Conduct of others, ought first to take Care that all be well at home.

Gr.

Why Mr. Thrifty, have you heard any thing concerning my Son?

Thr.

It may be I have, and it may be worse than of my own.

Gr.

What is't I pray? My Son?

Thr.

Ev'n your own Scapin told it me, and you may hear it from him or some body else: For my part, I am your Friend, and would not willingly be the Messenger of ill news to one that I think so to me: Your Servant: I must hasten to my Councel to advise what's to be done in this Case. God-bu'y till I see you again.

[Ex. Thrifty.

Gr.

Worse than his Son! For my part I cannot imagine how; For a Son to marry impudently without the Consent of his Fa∣ther, is as great an Offence as can be imagin'd I take it: But yonder he comes.

Enter Leander.

Leand.

Oh my Dear Father, how Joyful am I to see you safely return'd. Welcome as the Blessing which I am now craving will be.

Gr.

Not so fast Friend'a mine, soft and fair goes far Sir. You are my Son, as I take it.

Leand.

What d'ee mean Sir?

Gr.

Stand still, and let me look yee in the Face.

Leand.

How must I stand Sir?

Gr.

Look upon me with both Eyes▪

Leand.

Well Sir I do.

Gr.

What's the meaning of this Report?

Leand.

Report, Sir?

Gr.

Yes Report Sir, I speak English as I take it, What is't that you have done in my absence?

Leand.

What is't Sir which you would have had me done?

Gr.

I do not ask you what I would have had you done; but what you have done.

Leand.

Who I Sir? Why I have done nothing at all, not I Sir.

Gr.

Nothing at all! (Leand.) No Sir,

Gr.

You have no Impudence to speak on.

Leand.

Sir, I have the Confidence that becomes a Man, and my Innocence.

Gr.

Very well, But Scapin, d'ye mark me young man, Scapin has told me some tales of your Behaviour?

Leand.

Scapin!

Gr.

Oh have I caught you? That name makes ye blush do's it? 'Tis well you have some Grace left.

Leand.

Has he said any thing concerning me?

Gr.

That shall be examined anon. In the mean while get you home d'ye hear. And stay till my return; But look to't, if thou haft done any thing to dishonour me, never think to come within my Doors, or see my Face more; but expect to be as miserable as thy folly and poverty can make thee.

[Exit. Gr.

Leand.

Very fine: I am in a hopeful Condition. This Rascal has betrayed my marriage and undone me: Now there is no way left but to turn Outlaw, and live by rapine: and to set my hand in; the first thing shall be to Cut the throat of that perfidious Pick-thank Dog that has ruined me.

Enter Oct. and Scapin.

Oct.

Dear Scapin, how infinitely am I obliged to thee for thy Care!

Leand,

Yonder he comes: I'm overjoyed to see you good Mr. Dog!

Scap.

Sir your most humble Servant, You honour me too far.

Leand.

You act an ill fools part, But I shall teach you.

Scap.

Sir.

Oct,

Hold Leander.

Leand.

No, Octavian, I'le make him confess the Treachery he has committed; yes Varlet Dog, I know the trick you have playd me: you thought perhaps no body would have told me. But i'le make you confess it, or I'le run my Sword in your Guts.

Scap.

Oh Sir, Sir, would you have the heart to do such a thing? have I done you any Injury Sir?

Leand.

Yes Rascal that you have, and I'le make you own it too, or I'le swing it out of your already tan'd thick hide.

[Beats him]

Scap.

The Devil's in't, Lord Sir, what d'yee mean? Nay good Mr. Leander, pray Mr. Leander; Squire Leander—As I hope to be saved—

Oct,

Prithee be quiet: for shame enough:—

[Interposeth]

Scap.

Well Sir, I confess indeed that—

Leand.

What! speak Rogue.

Scap.

About two Months agoe you may remember, a Maid Ser∣vant dyed in the house.—

Leand.

What of all that?

Scap.

Nay Sir, if I confess you must not be angry.

Leand.

Well go on.

Scap.

'Twas said she dyed for love of me Sir; But let that pass.

Leand.

Death, you trifling Buffoon;

Scap.

About a week after her death, I dreft my self up like her Ghost, and went into Madam Lucia your Mistresses Chamber, where she lay half in half out of bed, with her woman by her, read∣ing an ungodly Play-book,

Leand.

And was it your Impuden••e did that?

Scap.

They both beleive it was a Ghost to this hour. But it was my self playd the Goblin to fright her from the Scurvy Cu∣stome of lying awake at those unseasonable hours, hearing filthy Plays when she had never said her Prayers.

Leand.

I shall remember you for all in time, and place; But come to the point, and tell me what thou hast said to my Father.

Scap.

To you Father? I have not so much as seen him since his re∣turn, and if you'd ask him he'll tell you so himself.

Leand.

Yes he has told me himself, and told me all thou hast said to him!

Scap.

With your good leave Sir, then he ly'd, I beg your par∣don I mean he was mistaken.

[Enter Sly]

Sly.

Oh Sir, I bring you the most unhappy news.

Leand.

Whats the matter?

Sly.

Your Mistress Sir, is yonder arrested in an Action of 200 l. They say 'tis a debt she left unpaid at London; in the hast of her escape hither to Dover, and if you do not raise money within this two hours to discharge her, Shee'l be hurried to prison.

Leand.

Within this two hours?

Sly.

Yes Sir, within this two hours.

Leand.

Ah my poor Scapin, I want thy assistance.

[Scapin walks about Surlily]

Scap.

Ah my poor Scapin! Now I'm your poor Scapin now you've need of me.

Leand.

No more▪ I pardon thee all that thou hast done, and worse if thou art guilty of it.

Scap.

No no, never pardon me, run your Sword in my Guts, you'l do better to Murder me.

Leand.

For Heaven's sake; think no more upon that, but study now to assist me.

Oct.

You must do something for him.

Scap.

Yes to have my bones broken for my pains.

Leand.

Would you leave me Scapin in this severe extremity!

Scap.

To put such an affront upon me as you did;

Leand.

I wrong'd thee I confess.

Scap.

To use me like a Scoundrel, a Villain, a Rascal, to threa∣ten to run your Sword in my Guts.

Leand.

I cry thy Mercy withall my Heart, and if thou wilt have me throw my self at thy Feet, I'le doo't.

Oct.

Faith Scapin you must, you cannot but yield.

Scap.

Well then; But d'yee mark me Sir, another time better words and gentler blows.

Leand.

Will you promise to mind my business?

Scap.

As I see convenient, Care shall be taken,

Leand.

But the time you know is short.

Scap.

Pray Sir, don't be so troublesome: How much money is't you want?

Leand.

Two hundred pounds.—(Scap.) And you?—(Oct.) As much.

Scap.

No more to be said. It shall be done; For you the Contrivance is laid already; and for your Father though he be covetous to the last degree, Yet thanks be to Heaven hee's but a shallow per∣son,

To Leander.

his parts are not extraordinary, do not take it ill Sir, for you have no resemblance of him, But that y'are very like him; Begon I see Octavians Father coming, I'le begin with him.

[Exeunt Oct. and Leand.

[Enter Thrifty]

Here he comes mumbling and chewing the Cud to prove him∣self a clean Beast.

Thr.

Oh audacious Boy, to commit so insolent a Crime, and plunge himself into such a mischief!

Scap.

Sir, your humble Servant.

Thr.

How do you Scapin?

Scap.

What, you are ruminating on your Sons rash Action.

Thr.

Have I not reason to be troubled?

Scap.

The life of man is full of troubles, that's the truth on't; But your Philosopher is alwaies prepared I remember an Excellent Proverb of the Ancients, very fit for your Case.

Thr.

What's that?

Scap.

Pray mind it, 'twill do ye a World of good.

Thr.

What is't I ask you?

Scap.

Why; When the Master of a Family shall be absent any considerable time from his home or Mansion, he ought rationally, gravely, wisely, and Philosophically, to revolve within his mind all the concurrent Circumstances, that may during the Interval conspire to the Conjunction of those misfortunes, and trouble∣some accidents, that may intervene upon the said absence, and the interruption of his Oeconomical inspection, into the remissness, negligences, frailties, and huge and perillous Errours, which his Substitutes, Servants, or Trustees, may be capable of, or liable aud obnoxious unto, which may arise from the imperfection and corruptness of ingenerated Natures, or the taint and conta∣gion of corrupted Education, whereby the Fountain-head of Man's Disposition becomes muddy, and all the Streams of his Man∣ners and Conversation run consequently defiled, and impure: These things premised, and fore-considered, arm the said pru∣dent Philosophical Pater Familias, to find his House laid waste, his Wife murdered, his Daughters deflowred, his Sons hang'd:

Cum multis aliis qua nunc perscribere longum est▪

and to th••nk Heaven 'tis no worse too: D'ye mark, Sir?

Thr.

S'deat••! Is all this a Proverb?

Scap.

Ay, and the best Proverb, and the wisest in the World: Good Sir, get it by heart: T'will do ye the greatest good imagi∣nable; and don't trouble your self: I'le repeat it to you, till you have gotten it by heart.

Thr.

No, I thank you, Sir, I'll have none on't.

Scap.

Pray do; you'l like it better next time; hear it once more, I say—When the Master of a—

Thr.

Hold, hold, I have better thoughts of my own; I'm going to my Lawyer; I'll null the Marriage.

Scap.

Going to Law! Are ye mad to venture your self among Lawyers? Do you not see every day how the Spunges suck poor Clyents, and with a company of foolish, non-sensical terms, and knavish tricks, undo the Nation: No, you shall take another way.

Thr.

You have reason, if there were any other way.

Scap.

Come, I have found one. The truth is, I have a great compassion for your grief; I cannot when I see tender Fathers af∣flicted for their Sons miscarriages, but have bowels for 'em; I have much ado to refrain weeping for you.

Thr.

Truly my Case is sad, very sad.

Scap.

So it is; tears will burst out; I have a great respect for your person.

[Counterfeits weeping.

Thr.

Thank you with all my heart; in troth we should have a fellow-feeling.

Scap.

Ay, so we should; I assure you there is not a person in the World whom I respect more than the Noble Mr. Thrifty.

Thr.

Thou art honest Scapin. Ha' done, ha' done.

Scap.

Sir, Your most humble Servant.

Thr.

But what is your way?

Scap.

Why, In brief I have been with the Brother of her whom your wicked Son has Married.

Thr.

What is he?

Scap.

A most outragious roaring Fellow, with a down-hang∣ing Look, contracted Brow, with a swell'd red Face enflam'd with Brandy; one that frowns, puffs, and looks big at all Man∣kind, roars out Oaths▪ and bellows out Curses enough in a Day, to serve a Garrison a Week; bred up in blood and rapine, used to slaughter from his youth upwards; one that makes no more con∣science of killing a Man, than cracking of a Lowse; he has killed sixteen, four for taking the Wall of him; five for looking too big upon him; two he shot pissing against the Wall: In short, he is the most dreadful of all the Race of Bullies.

Thr.

Heav'n! How do I tremble at the Description? But what's this to my Business?

Scap.

Why, He (as most Bullies are) is in want, and I have brought him, by threatning him with all the Courses of Law, all the assistance of your Friends, and your great Purse, (in which I ventur'd my life ten times, for so often he drew and run at me) yet, I say, at last I have made him hearken to a Composition, and to null the Marriage for a sum of Money.

Thr.

Thanks, dear Scapin; but what sum?

Scap.

Faith, He was damnably unreasonable at first, and gad I told him so very roundly.

Thr.

A Pox on him, what did he ask?

Scap.

Ask? Hang him, why he ask'd 500 l.

Thr.

Ouns and Heart, 500 l. Five hundred Devils take him,— and fry and frigassee the Dog; does he take me for a mad-Man?

Scap.

Why, so I said; and after much argument I brought him to this: Dammee, says he, I am going to the Army, and I must have Two good Horses for my self, for fear one should die; and those will cost at least Threescore Guinea's.

Thr.

Hang him Rogue! Why should he have two Horses? But I care not if I give Threescore Guinea's to be rid of this Affair.

Scap.

Then, says he, my Pistols, Saddle, Hose, Cloth, and all, will cost Twenty more.

Thr.

Why, That's Fourscore.

Scap.

Well reckoned; faith, this Arithmatick is a fine Art: Then I must have One for my Boy, will cost Twenty more.

Thr.

Oh the Devil! Confounded Dog! Let him go and be damn'd, I'll give him nothing.

Scap.

Sir.

Thr.

Not a Sous, damn'd Rascal, let him turn Foot-Souldier and be hang••d.

Scap.

He has a Man besides; Would you have him go a Foot?

Thr.

Ay, and his Master too, I'll have nothing to do with him.

Scap.

Well, You are resolv'd to spend twice as much at Doctors Commons, you are, you will stand out for such a Sum as this; do.

Thr.

Ha••! Oh damn'd unconscionable Rascal! well if i ••must be so. Let him have the other twenty.

Scap.

Twenty! why it comes to forty.

Thr.

No I'le have nothing to do in it. Oh a Coveteous Rogue! I wonder he is not ashamed to be so Covetous.

Scap.

Why this is nothing to the Charge at Doctors Commons, and though her Brother has no Money, she has an Uncle able to defend her.

Thr.

Oh Eternal Rogue! well I must do't, the Divels in him I think!

Scap.

Then saies he, I must carry into France money to buy a Mule to carry—

Thr.

Let him to the Devil with his Mule, I'le appeal to the Judges.

Scap.

Nay good Sir, think a little.

Thr.

No, I'le do nothing.

Scap.

Sir, Sir, but one little Mule?

Thr.

No not so much as an Ass!

Scap.

Consider.

Thr.

I will not consider, I'le go to Law.

Scap.

I am sure if you go to Law you do not consider the Ap∣peales, Degrees of Jurisdiction, the intricate proceedings, the Kna∣veries, the Craving of so many Ravenous Animals that will prey upon you, Villanous Harpies! Promoters, Tipstaves, and the like; None of which but will puff away the clearest right in the World for a Bribe; on the other side the Proctor shall side with your Ad∣versary, And sell your cause for ready Money; Your Advocate shall be gained the same way, And shall not be found when your cause is to be heard: Law is a torment of all torments.

Thr.

That's true: Why what does the damn'd Rogue—rec∣kon for his Mule?

Scap.

Why for Horses, Furniture, Mule, and to pay some Scores that are due to his Landlady, he demands and will have two hun∣dred pounds.

Th.

Come, come, let's go to Law.

Thr. walks up and down in a great heat.

Scap.

Do but reflect upon—

Th.

I'le go to Law?

Scap.

Do not plunge your self.

Thr.

To Law I'le tell you?

Scap.

Why there's for Procuration, Presentation, Council, Pro∣ductions, Proctors, Attendance, and scribling vast Volumes of Interrogatories, Depositions, and Articles, Consultations and Plead∣ings of Doctors, for the Register, Substitute, Judgments, Signings— Expedition Fees, besides the vast Presents to them and their Wives. Hang't, the Fellow is out of Employment, give him the money, give him it I say.

Thr.

What, two hundred pounds!

Scap.

Ay, ay, why you'l gain 150 l. by it, I have summ'd it up; I say give it him▪ I, faith do.

Thr.

What 200 l.

Scap.

Ay, besides you ne're think how they'l rail at you in plead∣ing, tell all your Fornications, Bastardings, and Commutings in their Courts,

Thr.

I defie 'em, let 'em tell of my whoring, 'tis the fashion.

Scap.

Peace, Here's the Brother.

Thr.

Oh Heaven! what shall I do.

Enter Shift disguised like a Bully.

Sh.

Damme, where is this confounded Dog, this Father of Octa∣vian? Null the Marriage: By all the Honour of my Ancestors I'le chine the Villain.

Thr.

Oh, Oh!

[Hides himself behind Scapin]

Scap.

He cares not Sir, He'l not give the 200 l.

Sh.

By Heaven, he shall be Worms-meat within these two hours.

Scap.

Sir, he has Courage, he fears you not.

Th.

You lye, I have not Courage, I do fear him mortally.

Sh.

He! he! Ounds he! would all his Family were in him, I'd cut off Root and Branch: Dishonour my Sister! This in his Guts: What Fellow's that? Hah!

Scap.

Not he, Sir.

Sh.

Nor none of his Friends?

Th.

No, Sir: Hang him, I am his mortal Enemy.

Sh.

Art thou the Enemy of that Rascal.

Th.

Oh! ay, hang him—Oh damn'd Bully!

(Aside.

Sh.

Give me thy hand, old Boy, the next Sun shall not see the impudent Rascal alive.

Scap.

He'll muster up all his Relations against you.

Th.

Do not provoke him, Scapin.

Sh.

Would they were all here: Ha! hah! hah! Here I had one through the Lungs; there another into the Heart; Ha! there another into the Guts: Ah Rogues! there I was with you. Hah—hah!

He foyns every way with his Sword.

Scap.

Hold Sir, we are none of your Enemies.

Sh.

No, but I will find the Villains out while my Blood is up; I will destroy the whole Family. Ha, ha,—hah!

(Ex. Shift.

Th.

Here Scapin, I have two hundred Guinea's about me, take

e'm, No more to be said, Let me never see his face again, take e'm I say, This is the Devil.

Scap.

Will you not give e'm him your self?

Th.

No, no! I will never see him more. I shall not recover this these three Months. See the business done, I trust in thee, Honest Scapin: I must repose somewhere; I am mightily out of Order— A plague on all Bullies I say.

[Exit Thrifty.

Scap.

So ther's one dispatcht, I must now find out Gripe; He's here, how Heaven brings e'm into my Nets one after another!

Enter Gripe.

Scap.

Oh Heaven! Unlookt for misfortune, poor Mr. Gripe, what wilt thou do

[walks about distractedly

Grip.

What's that he says of me?

Scap.

Is there no body can tell me News of Mr. Gripe?

Grip.

Who's there Scapin!

Scap.

How I run up and down, to find him to •••• purpose! Oh! Sir, is there no way to hear of Mr. Gripe?

Grip.

Art thou blind, I have been just under thy Nose this hour.

Scap.

Sir,—

Grip.

What's the matter?

Scap.

Oh! Sir your Son—

Grip.

Hah, my Son—

Scap.

Is fallen into the strangest misfortune in the World.

Grip.

What is't—

Scap.

I met him a while ago, disordered for something you had said to him, wherein you very idly made use of my Name. And seeking to divert his Melancholy, we went to walk upon the Pier, amongst other things he took particular Notice of a New Caper in her full Trim, the Captain invited us aboard, and gave us the handsome••t Collation I ever met with.

Grip.

Well, and where's the disaster of all this?

Scap.

While we were eating he put to Sea; and when we were at a good distance from the Shoar, He discover'd himself to be an English Renegade that was entertain'd in the Dutch Service; And sent me off in his Long-Boat to tell you, That if you do not forth∣with send him two hundred pounds, he'l carry away your Son Prisoner; Nay, for ought I know he may carry him a Slave to Algier.

Gr.

How in the Devils name? 200 l!

Sca.

Yes Sir, and more then that, he has allowed me but an hours time; you must advise quickly what course to take to save an only Son.

Gr.

What a Devil had he to do a Shipboard?—Run quick∣ly Scapin, and tell the Villain Ile send my Lord Chief Justices Warrant after him.

Sca.

Oh law! his Warrant in the open Sea, d'ye think Pyrates are Fooles?

Gr.

I'th Devils name what business had he a Shipboard?

Sca.

There is an unlucky Fate that often hurries Men to mis∣chief, Sir.

Gr.

Scapin thou must now act the part of a faithful Servant.

Sca.

As how, Sir?

Gr.

Thou must go bid the Pyrate send me my Son and stay as a pledge in his room, till I can raise the Money.

Sca.

Alas Sir, think you the Captain has so little wit as to accept of such a poor Rascally fellow as I am, instead of your Son?

Gr.

What a Devil did he do a Shipboard?

Sca.

D'ye remember, Sir, that you have but two hours time.

Gr.

Thou say'st he demands.—

Sca.

200 l.

Gr.

200 l. Has the fellow no Conscience?

Sca.

O law! the Conscience of a Pyrate, why very few lawful Captains have any.

Gr.

Has he no reason neither? Do's he know what the Sum of 200 l. is.

Sca.

Yes Sir, Tarpawlins are a sort of People that understand Money, though they have no great acquaintance with Sence. But for Heav'ns sake dispatch.

Gr.

Here take the key of my Compting House.

Sca.

So.

Gr.

And open it.

Scap.

Very good.

Gr.

In the left hand Window lyes the Key of my Garret; go take all the Clo••ths that are in the great Cheft, and sell 'em to the Brok••rs, to redeem my Son.

Scap.

Sir, Y'are mad; I shan't get Fifty Shillings for all that's there, and you know how I am ••treightned for time.

Gr.

But what •• Devil did he do a Ship-board?

Scap.

Let Ship-board alone, and consider, Sir, your Son. But

Heav'n is my witness, I ha' done for him as much as was possible, and if he be not redeemed, he may thank his Father's kindness.

Gr.

Well, Sir, I ll go see if I can raise the Money. Was it not ninescore Pounds you spoke of?

Scap.

No, 200 l.

Gr.

What, 200 l. Dutch, ha?

Scap.

No, Sir, I mean English Money, 200 l. sterling.

Gr.

I'th Devil's Name, what business had he a Ship-board? Confounded Ship-board.

Scap.

This Ship-board sticks in his Stomach.

Gr.

Hold Scapin, I remember I received the very Sum just now in Gold, but did not think I should have parted with it so soon.

He presents Scapin his Purse, but will not let it go, and in his tran∣sportments, pulls his Arm to and fro, whilst Scapin reaches at it.

Scap.

Ay, Sir.

Gr.

But tell the Captain, he is a Son of a Whore.

Scap.

Yes, Sir.

Gr.

A Dogbolt.

Scap.

I shall, Sir.

Gr.

A Thief, a Robber, and that he forces me to pay him 200 l. contrary to all Law or equity.

Scap.

Nay, let me alone with him.

Gr.

That I will never forgive him, dead or alive.

Scap.

Very good.

Gr.

And that if ever I light on him, I'll murder him privately, and feed Dogs with him.

Scap.

Right, Sir.

[He puts up his Purse, and is going away.

Gr.

Now make hast, and go redeem my Son.

Scap.

Ay, but d'ye hear, Sir? Where's the Money?

Gr.

Did I not give it thee?

Scap.

Indeed, Sir, you made me believe you would, but you forgot, and put it up in your Pocket again.

Gr.

Ha—my griefs and fears for my Son make me do I know not what.

Scap.

Ay, Sir, I see it does indeed.

Gr.

What a Devil did he do a Ship-board?—Damn'd Pyrate, damn'd Renegade, all the Devils in Hell pursue thee.

Scap.

How easily a Miser swallows a Load, and how difficultly he disgorges a Grain? But I'll not leave him so, he's like to pay in other Coyn, for telling Tales of me to his Son.

Enter Oct. and Leander.

Scap.

Well, Sir, I have succeeded in your Business, there's 200 l. which I have squeez'd out of your Father.

to Octavian.

Oct.

Triumphant Scapin.

Scap.

But for you I can do nothing—

[To Leander.

Lea.

Then may I go hang my self. Friends both adieu.

Scap.

D'ye hear, d'ye hear; the Devil has no such necessity for you yet, that you need ride Post. With much ado I've got your Business done too.

Lea.

Is't possible?

Scap.

But on condition that you permit me to revenge my self on your Father, for the Trick he has served me.

Lea.

With all my heart, at thy own discretion, good honest Scapin.

Scap.

Hold your hand, there's 200 l.

Lea.

My thanks are too many to pay now; Farewel dear Son of Mercury, and be prosperous.

Scap.

Gramercy Pupil: Hence we gather, Give Son the Money, hang up Father.

The End of the Second Act.