Playes written by the thrice noble, illustrious and excellent princess, the Lady Marchioness of Newcastle.

ACT II.

Scene. 16.

Enter the Lord VVidower, and Doll Subtilty.

SUbtilty.

'Faith, my Lord, your Daughter is so jealous of me, as she sayes I am always in your Lordships Chamber.

Lord.

Why so thou art most commonly, although not always.

Subtilty.

But yet it is not fit Children should examine their Parents actions; and it were an indiscretion in Parents to allow of it.

Lord.

She is young, she is young.

Subtilty.

Wherefore your Lordship should have a care to have her pru∣dently govern'd; and if she be too young to govern her self, how can she go∣vern so great a Family as your Lordships is?

Lord.

O she hath but the name, my Steward governs all.

Subtilty.

Yes; but the Mistris of the House governs the Steward, and the Steward gives Orders as an Inferiour Officer, delivering the Superiours commands.

Lord.

You say true: wherefore you that have some more experience, should counsel her.

Subtilty.

O, my Lord, 'tis not manners for me to give her counsel, neither will she take it from me: for when I humbly offer her my Advice, she checks me, and threatens to turn me away.

Lord.

Doth she so? But I will have her to take counse, and to know she is too young to order after her own childish fancy.

Subtilty.

Indeed, my Lord, she wants years, which should make her experienc'd. Sweet child, she is fitter to dress Babies, and order a Closet, than govern a great Family, which is a little Common-wealth.

Lord.

Well, I will order her otherwise.

Exeunt.

Scene 17.

Enter the Bride, the Bridegroom, Sir James Hearty, and all the Bridal Guests. Then enters a servant to the Bridegroom Sir Francis Inconstant.

SErvant.

Sir there is a young Gentleman desires to speak with your Wor∣ship.

Inconstant.

What manner of man is he?

Servant.

A sweet-fac'd young man, by my Troth Sir.

Inconstant.

Of what Country seems he to be?

Servant.

Of your own Countrey, Sir.

Inconstant.

Direct him in.

Enter Monsieur Disguise.

Disguise.

Sir, I was commanded by a young Lady to give you this Letter.

Sir Francis reads it, and in the reading seems ve∣ry much troubled.

Inconstant.

She writes as if she were dying when she writ this letter.

Disguise.

She was dying indeed: for the last act she did, was to give me this letter; and the last words she spoke were, Pray see this letter safe con∣••ey'd, and so she dy'd.

Lady Inconstant.

What makes you so pale on a sudden, Husband?

Sir Fran. Incon.

I am not well, and therefore I must goe to my Chamber; But pray Sweet-heart stay you here, lest my being ill shoald disturb our Guests.

Lady Inconstant.

Do you think I can entertain them if you be sick?

Sir Fran. Incon.

I am not so sick as to be nurs'd, although not so well as to delight in company: for I am rather melancholy, than any other way di∣stemper'd.

Lady Inconst.

What makes you melancholy?

Sir Fran. Incon.

Why a dear Friend of mine is dead.

He sighs a great sigh.

But Sweet-heart, pray excuse me to the company, and pray let this Gentle∣man, my noble Friend, be well treated.

Lady Inconst.

I shall obey your command.

Sir Francis goes out.

Sir Iam. Hearty.

What, is my Son-in-law gone?

Lady Inconst.

Sir, he desires you and the rest of the company would ex∣••••se him: for he hath heard of the death of a Friend, which makes him so melancholy, as he saith that his dull and indispos'd humour would disturb the mirth of our noble Friends.

Sir Iam. Hearty.

'Tis a sign he is young, that he is so tender-natur'd, and so soft-hearted, to mourn and grieve for those that die; but when he comes to Age, he will only commend his friends that are dead, but not grieve for them: for Pity wears out, as Age increases.

Lady Inconst.

Pray Sir let me intreat you to be one of our Guests.

Disguise.

You shall command me, Lady.

Sir Tho. Cuckold.

Nay, since the Gentleman hath brought such Newes as hath banished the Bridegroom from the Company, he shall now supply his place.

Sir Hum. Disagree.

Soft Sir, he may at the Board, but not in his Bed.

Sir Hen. Courtly.

He looks so modestly, as if he would play the part of a Bride rather than a Bridegroom.

Disguise.

Lady, will you accept of my modest service?

Lady Inconst.

Sir, I must not refuse Modesty.

Exeunt.

Scene 18.

Enter two Maid-servants of Sir John Dotards.

1 MAid.

'Tis no wonder that Briget Greasie is so proud now, being ma∣ried to my Master, he having made her a Lady. Lord, Lord, to see the fortune that some have over others: why, if my Master would have ma∣ried one of his Maids, he might have chosen a prettier wench amongst any of us all than she is.

2 Maid.

Yes 'faith: for she was thought the veriest Puss of us all; for she is neither snout-fair, nor well-shap'd, she hath splay-feet, and chilblain∣heels.

1 Maid.

Nay all will grant she was the dirtiest slut in the House: for there was never a man-servant but would cry so at her when they kiss'd her; be∣sides, she was the veriest fool amongst us: But Lord, what Wealth and Ho∣nour will do! for now she is a Lady, she looks as if she never wash'd a dish, or scour'd a kettle or spit.

2 Maid.

But I wonder how she came to be his Wife, she might have ser∣ved as her Betters have done before her: I am sure there was Nan, a pretty pert, cleanly Maid, who was kind, and willing to do any thing, either to serve our Master, or fellow servants.

1 Maid.

O but Nan had not an old woman that us'd to come to her to get suet and scraps, as Briget had; and this old woman, they say, counsell'd Briget to seem nice and coy.

2 Maid.

I wonder what Richard the Carter will say, who was turned out of his service, because he should not share with my Master.

1 Maid.

'Faith I heard that Richard was told of her Advancement, and 'tis said he laugh'd, and said my Master had a hungry stomach, that he could feed of his leavings; but by his Troth he was glad she was become a Lady: for now he could say he had kiss'd and courted a Lady as well as the best Gallant of them all.

Exeunt.

Scene 19.

Enter the Lord Widower, and the Lapy Sprightly his Daughter.

LOrd.

Daughter, ald ough you do govern my Family very well for your years, yet you are young, and wanting Experience, may be cozened; and though I have a great Estate, yet it will be all consum'd, if Order and Method be not put into practice: wherefore I would have you take the counsel of Mistris Dorothy Subtilty, to assist you.

Lady.

Who is that, my Lord?

Lord.

Why, do not you know her? she that waited on your Mother.

Lady.

Pardon me, my Lord, I did not know her by that Title: for she was plain Dol Subtilty when she waited on my Mother, and not knowing of her ad∣vancement

from a Chambermaid to a Gentlewoman, I might easily mistake; besides, she is not so much older, as to have much more experience than my self: perchance she may have more craft, which was learned her in her poverty, than I, who have been bred at the Horn of Plenty, that knew no scar∣city, nor sharking necessity.

Lord.

You have a sharp tongue when spight moves it; but let me hear no more of these words, but do as I command you.

Lady.

I never disobey'd you as I do know.

Lord.

Well, no more words.

Exeunt.

Scene 20.

Enter the Bride, and all the Bridal Guests; they dance, and Mon∣sieur Disguise dances with the Bride. Sir Spendall seems to whisper Monsieur Disguise in the Ear, being half drunk.

SPendall.

Sir, but that you look more like a woman than a man, you might give the Bridegroom more cause to be melancholy for the living than the dead; but let me intreat you, young Gentleman, that you strike not his Head, as your News hath done his Heart: for I perceive the Brides eyes are fix'd upon you, and from the root of a six'd eye grows Horns, when they are set in a maried Head.

Disguise.

There is no fear.

Spendall.

Yes Sir, as long as there are doubts, there are fears.

Disguise.

There is no doubt Sir.

Spendall.

But that she will be Sir.

Disguise.

What, Sir?

Spendall.

What you please Sir; and let me tell you, young Gentleman, that as long as there are women, there will be Lovers and Cuckolds.

Disguise.

And let me tell you, Sir, that as long as there are men, there will be Fools and Drunkards.

Lady Inconstant.

Sir, I doubt we have invited you rather to your trouble, than your delight.

Disguise.

Madam, you are the Treasure of Pleasure and Delight; which none can receive but from your Bounty, nor enjoy but by your Favour.

Exeunt.

Scene 21.

Enter the Lady Sprightly, and Dol Subtilty.

LAdy Sprightly.

What had you to do to contradict my commands?

Dol Subtilty.

They were not sit to be obey'd, wherefore they were forbid.

The Lady gives Dol a lox on the Ear.

Lady.

There, take that, to remember I forbid you to forbid my com∣mands.

Dol.

I will declare your blows to some that shall revenge me.

Enter the Lord Widower.

Lord.

What, are you so light-finger'd? 'Tis time to get you a Husband, to govern and rule your high spirit.

Lady.

No, pray Sir get me no Husband: for if my Father takes part a∣gainst me, surely a Husband will be worse natur'd.

Lord.

So, you will say I am unnatural.

Lady.

No Sir, I only say it is not my undutifulness that displeases you, but some that hath more wit than I, or at least good fortune to please you better.

Lord.

VVell, pray study your Book and VVork, and leave the Houshold. Affairs to my disposal.

Lady.

Sir, I took the Office, as my duty to your commands, not for De∣light, Pleasure, Ease, or Profit, and I shall surrender it up again upon the same account, and with all the trouble, care, labour, vexations and disquiets belonging thereunto.

Lord.

In doing so, you will do very well.

Exeunt.

Scene 32.

Enter the Lady Hypocondria as being frightly sick, and her Hus∣band Sir VVilliam Lovewell.

LOvewell.

Heaven bless you wife, what makes you so extremely pale, and to seem so affrighted?

Hypocon.

O Husband I have an Imposthume broken within me, and the bag will rise and choke me.

Lovewell.

Heaven forbid.

Hypocon.

O I am choak'd, I am choak'd, I cannot fetch my breath.

She takes her breath very short. Sir VVilliam Love∣well in a great fright calls for help. Enter some servants.

Lovewell.

O send for Doctors strait: for my wife is ready to die.

They go out running, he standing by the Chair his Wife sits in, trembling and quaking.

Lovewell.

How are you, dear VVife? how do you feel your self now? how are you?

Hypocondria.

O very ill; but yet me thinks I can fetch my breath a little

better than I could, I believe the Imposthume-bag is fallen down: where∣fore I will go to bed.

Lovewell.

Pray do VVife.

He leads her out, and she goeth softly.

Exeunt.

Scene 23.

Enter Sir Henry Sage, and the Lady Chastity his Wife.

SAge.

Sweet-heart, I was in your Bed-chamber, and in your Cabinet-chamber, and missing you in both, I was afraid I must have been forc'd to have hir'd a Cryer, to have proclamed my loss.

Chastity.

Many a Wife doth proclame her Husbands loss without the help of a Cryer: for the Wives Adulterous Acts proclame her Husband a Cuc∣old, and the loss of his Honour.

Sage.

But I am not afra'd of that: for I am confident of thy Chastity (al∣though the old saying is, Confidence makes Cuckolds.)

Chastity.

Your confidence of me shall never harm you.

Sage.

But your too serious studies will harm your health; and if you be sick, I cannot be well; besides, it will decay your Beauty, waste your Youth, like Oyl spent in a melancholy Lamp, where Life is always blinking.

Chastity.

It were better that my Body should be sick, than my Mind idle; my Beauty decay, than my Understanding perish; my Youth waste, than my Fame lost; my Life blinking, than my Honour sinking: for an idle Mind, not well imploy'd creates a restless body, which runs from place to place, and hates to be at home. Thus Mind and Body both being out, extravagant Words and Actions run about, and Riot keeps possession.

And though the Beauty withers and decays, Yet Wit and Wisedome with the ruine stays: And if the Youth doth waste, and Life's Oyl's spent, Yet Fame lasts long, and builds a Monument: A melancholy life doth shadows cast, But sets forth Virtue, if they are well plac'd. Then who would entertain an idle Mirth, Begot by Vanity, and dies in scorn? Or proud, or pleas'd with Beauty, when the Birth Becomes the Grave or Tomb as soon as born? But Wisedome wishes to be old and glad, When youthful Follies die, which seem as mad: If Age is subject to repent what's past, Prudence and Experience redeems what's lost.

Sage.

I perceive, Wife, the Muses have kept you company, although you walk by your self; but now I desire you will leave their company for a time, and entertain mine.

Chastity.

VVith all my heart; but the Muses are never with me, but when you are imploy'd about serious Affairs: for though they are my Visitors, yet they are your Domestick Servants.

Exeunt.

Scene. 24.

Enter Sir Humphrey Disagree, and his Wife the Lady Disagree.

LAdy Disagree.

Dear Husband, where have you been?

Sir Hum. Disagree.

My dear kind VVife, I have been in the Garden, where I have heard little Robin Red-breast sing.

Lady Disagree.

That's a sign, Sweet-heart, we shall have warm weather, otherwise they would come into the House.

Sir Hum. Disag.

I had rather believe, my pretty Bird, we shall have cold weather: for they sing always in the coldest time of the year, as in the depth of Winter.

Lady Disagree.

How ignorantly you speak, good Husband, as if the Ro∣bin Redbreast sings onely in the cold Winter, and not in the warm Summer as well?

Sir Hum. Disagree.

Why not, good VVife, as well as Nightingals, which only sing in the Spring, and Swallows in the heat of Summer?

Lady Disagree.

That doth not prove that the Robbin doth not sing in Summer.

Sir Hum. Disag.

I never heard the Robbin sing in Summer.

Lady Disagree.

Your never hearing of it, is not a sufficient proof.

Sir Hum. Disag.

It is to me.

Lady Disagree.

To say it is, without a Reason, proves a Fool.

Sir Hum. Disag.

I only prov'd my self a Fool in marying you.

Lady Disagree.

I was accurst when first I gave consent to be your Wife.

Sir Hum. Disag.

You were easily won.

Lady Disagree.

What, because I consented to a Knave that wooed?

Sir Hum. Disag.

You are a false woman, for calling me a Knave.

Lady Disagree.

You are a Cuckold, for calling me false.

Sir Hum. Disag.

Am I so, Mistris? I will be sure to thrust my Horns tho∣rough your Heart.

He offers to strike her, she gets up a stool, and slings at him, he gets a cushion and slings at her, and then gets hold of her, she cries out Murder, in comes their friends and servants, and parts them.

Sir Hum. Disag.

Dam me, I'll kill her.

Lady Disagree.

You'l be hang'd, will you?

Friend.

Nay good Sir be not angry.

Servant.

Good Madam go away, until my Masters anger is pass'd over.

Exeunt.