Playes written by the thrice noble, illustrious and excellent princess, the Lady Marchioness of Newcastle.

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Title
Playes written by the thrice noble, illustrious and excellent princess, the Lady Marchioness of Newcastle.
Author
Newcastle, Margaret Cavendish, Duchess of, 1624?-1674.
Publication
London :: Printed by A. Warren, for John Martyn, James Allestry, and Tho. Dicas ...,
1662.
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Cite this Item
"Playes written by the thrice noble, illustrious and excellent princess, the Lady Marchioness of Newcastle." In the digital collection Early English Books Online. https://name.umdl.umich.edu/A53060.0001.001. University of Michigan Library Digital Collections. Accessed June 8, 2024.

Pages

Page 423

The first Part of the Play, called the MATRIMONIAL TROUBLE A COMEDY.

ACT I.

Scene 1.
Enter Sir Francis Inconstant, and Mistris Forsaken.
SIr Fran. Incon.

When I forsake you, let Heaven forsake my Soul.

Mistris Forsaken.

I do not doubt you: for if I did, I could not love you; and whilst I love you, I cannot doubt you.

Inconstant.

O how it wounds my heart to part from you! my Thoughts are tortur'd, and my Mind is set upon a me∣lancholy Rack.

Forsaken.

Since your Journey cannot be conveniently avoided, I will please my self with the hopes of your sudden Return.

Inconstant.

Farewel, sweet Mistris, Death is the worst of Nature, and your Absence the worst of Fortune.

Exeunt.
Scene 2.
Enter Master Thrifty the Steward, and Briget Greasy the Cook-maid.
BRiget Greasy.

Good Master Steward, give Order for some Beef-suet to be brought in: for there is nor any left in the House, and I must make a Venison-pasty; and if I should temper my Pasty all with butter, you would be angry.

Thrifty.

Why, cannot you take some of the fat from the Beef-broth for your Crust?

Briget.

Yes, if every one that eat of it had as fresh a mouth as you, or lo∣ved drink so well as you do, it would serve, otherwise it would be too salt for their palats; besides, I am to make puddings in guts.

Thrifty.

If they prove as the last you made, the dogs may eat them

Page 424

for the guts stunk so much, as no man could eat any of them.

Briget.

I'm sure 'twas your fault, in that you did not bring me where∣withall to make them, until such time as the guts began to putrifie.

Thrifty.

No, no, you are a Slut, and did not take all the dung out of them, nor wash, nor scrape, nor cleanse them as they should have been; but you order the guts, as you do the dishes, the one is dungy; the other greasie; be∣sides, my Master complains, that his Fowl taste rank, and his Brawn tasts strong, and his Beef tasts musty, and that's because you are so lazy, as not to shift your Brawn into fresh Sousing-drink, nor make the brine strong enough in the powdring-tub, nor thrust your fingers far enough into the Fowls rumps, to draw them clean; besides, when they are roasted, they are as dry as a chip, for want of basting-butter; besides, your sluttery is such, as you will poyson all the House: for in one place I find a piece of butter, and a greasie comb full of nitty hairs lying by it; and in another place flour and old-worn stockings, the feet being rotted off with sweat; and in a third place, a dish of cold meat cover'd with a foul smock, and your durty shooes (for the most part) stand upon the Dresser-board, where you lay the hot meat; besides, by your carelesness you do waste and spoil so much, as it is unsufferable: for you will fling whole ladlefuls of dripping into the fire, to make the fire blaze underneath the pot; and because you have not the profit of the Kitchin-stuff, you will never scrape the Dresser-board, nor Dripping-pans, nor lick the Platters, Trays, or Scummers, Frying-pans, Skillets, Gridirons, Spits, Ladles, Kettles, or any of the Kitchin-vessels, as you should doe, but wash them all with hot water at first, without taking off the grease before∣hand.

Briget.

Well, if you do not like me, pray pay me my wages, and I will be gone: I'm sure I never serv'd in any place for so small wages and few vails as in this service: I'm sure 'tis no ways beneficial to me.

Thrifty.

I'm sure you'l make it beneficial one way or another: for you have your female Factors that lie abroad, to whom you send Commodities by your She-porters, that come hither every day to transport them. Thus you traffique upon my Masters Cost, and my Reputation: for I am thought the worse of either, as believing I am a false Steward, or a negligent one. Thus a True man is thought a Knave: for by your stealing I am thought a Thief.

Briget.

You are a base man for saying I steal, I never was accounted a Thief in my life, but always trusty and true, in what Service soever I lived.

The Steward goes out, and Briget Greasie left as crying: Then enters her Master Sir John Dotard, and looks earnestly upon her, and then speaks as to himself.
Dotard.

She's a pretty Wench, if she had but clean cloaths on, by Venus she would be very handsome; a Silk Gown would make her a rare Beauty; her Tears fall on her Nose and Cheeks like gentle showers of rain on Roses and Lillies sweet. O she is a heavenly Creature!

He speaks to her.

Sweet-heart, where do you live?

Briget.

In your Worships House.

Dottard.

And whose servant are you?

Briget.

Your Worships.

Page 425

Dotard.

How long have you served me?

Briget.

A Quarter, and't please your Worship.

Dotard.

In what place serve you?

Briget.

In the Kitchin, an't please you.

Dotard.

What makes you cry?

Briget.

Your Worships Steward hath wrong'd me.

Dotard.

How hath he wrong'd thee?

Briget.

He says I stole your Worships Kithin-stuff, when the Gods know I am as innocent as the child that is newly born.

Dotard.

He is a Knave for saying so, and I will have him turn'd out of his Authority for saying so: wherefore cry no more, fair Maid; for thou shalt be preferr'd to a higher Office.

Briget.

I thank your Worship.

Exeunt.
Scene 2.
Enter Mistris Forsaken, and a Gentleman.
FOrsaken.

Sir, did you come lately from Changeland?

Gentlem.

Yes Lady.

Forsaken.

Pray did you not see a Gentlemon in that Country, ha〈…〉〈…〉 Francis Inconstant?

Gentlem.

I am very well acquainted with him, Lady: for he is my most noble Friend.

Forsaken.

I hope he is well.

Gentlem.

So well, Madam, as he is resolv'd to marry.

Forsaken.

That he might do, if it were for no other reason, but for a Nurse to tend him, if he should chance to be sick.

Gentlem.

By your favour, Lady, it were dangerous for a sick man to be maried, especially to a fair young Lady.

Forsaken.

But pray Sir, is he to marry a Lady in that Country?

Gentlem.

So he told me.

Forsaken.

Did he tell you so himself?

Gentlem.

Yes Madam, I had it first from his own mouth.

Forsaken.

Is she handsome?

Gentlem.

Truly I did not see her.

Forsaken.

Is she rich Sir?

Gentlem.

Truly I heard not what portion she had; but I suppose if she had been rich, her wealth would have made her famous.

Forsaken.

Nor you have not heard whether she is discreet, or witty, nor of what humour she is?

Gentlem.

No indeed, Lady, I heard not any body speak of her but him∣self, and that was only, That he was to marry a young Lady in that City he was in, and that he thought would be the cause to perswade him to settle in that Country.

Forsaken.

How long a time is required to go to that place where he is?

Gentlem.

According as the wind is: If the wind be good, twelve hours

Page 426

fail will land a passenger, and some eight hours riding from the shore, will bring them to the City.

Forsaken.

Will you please to walk in and rest your self?

Exeunt.
Scene 4.
Enter two servant-maids of Sir John Dotards.
1 MAid.

Lord, there is such a quarrel about the falling out of Briget Greasie and Master Steward, as it is wonderful: for my Master chides, Briget cries, and Master Steward maintains his words, as they do so offend and misprove, as you would bless your self.

2 Maid.

I will go listen, and hear them.

Exeunt.
Scene 5.
Enter the Lord VVidower, and Doctors.
LOrd.

My VVife, Master Doctor, is very ill.

Doctor.

She is so: for her Disease is not to be cured, my Lord; for we cannot restore the decays of vital parts: for as they consume, life draws towards an end.

Lord.

But pray do your endeavour to prolong her like as long as you can.

Doctor.

We shall, my Lord, to the utmost of our skill. Your Lordships humble servant.

Exit Doctor.
Enter Dol Subtilty, the Ladies Chamber-maid.
Dol Subtilty.

My Lady desires to speak with your Lordship.

Lord.

And I desire to speak with your Ladiship.

Subtilty.

I am ready to hear your Lordships commands.

Lord.

And are you as ready to obey them?

Subtilty.

Yes, so far as my duty doth oblige me.

Lord.

Well, then pray do not forget when you are call'd to pay that duty where you owe it.

Exeunt.

Page 427

Scene 6.
Enter Mistris Forsaken alone.
MIstris Forsaken.

If this News could deprive me of my life, it would have made me happy; but it hath almost depriv'd me of my Reason, and quite from my Patience, which makes me miserable, and Misery is worse than Death: for Death is a cessation of pain, and Misery a torment of life: But if this Report be true, I will lay more curses on his head, than a long pe∣nitential life shall be able to take off.

Exit.
Enter the two Maids of Sir John Dotard.
1 MAid.

Lord, Briget is so proud since she is preferr'd to be my Ma∣sters Laundry-maid, as she will touch none but my Masters linnen.

2 Maid.

She is become very fine upon her preferment: I am sure it is not five or ten pound wages that will or can maintain her at that rate she goes: for she hath had, to my knowledge, two new pair of shooes within three weeks of each other; whereupon I told her, that the shooes that she cast by, would be very strong and serviceable, if they were cobled; and her Answer was, what, did I think she would wear cobled shooes? I told her, why not now, as well as she did? for she us'd to send her shooes to be cobled three or four times over, and her wastcoat to be patch'd, and her petticoats to be new-border'd, and her stockings to be heel'd, as the rest of us did; and I knew of no Lands that had befallen her, and therefore she may doe the same still.

1 Maid.

And what said she then?

2 Maid.

She bid me meddle with my own matters, and not meddle with her; and I dare not offend her, for fear I should be turn'd away: nay, she is so proud, as she turns her head aside when Richard the Carter comes to kiss her, and she strives to shun his company, when once within a short time, she would make haste to wash her dishes, that she might have time to sit in Richards Lap, and there they would sit colling and kissing until the sea-coal-site was burn'd out.

2 Maid.

But now she sits in a better seat.

Exeunt

Page 428

Scene 8.
Enter Mistris Forsaken in mans Apparel, naming her self Monsieur Disguise.
MOnsieur Disguise.

I cannot believe he will prove so false and perjurious, but this Disguise, I hope, will bring me to discover the Truth: And if he be false, for his sake may all the Masculine Sex be slaves to the Esseminate Sex, not bound by Love, but by base servile fear; may they long after the power, but never get it; may women govern the World, and when they command, the men dare not disobey, and be despis'd for their reward; may their Jealousies disturb their Rest, their Cares increase their Labours; may they work like Horses, fawn like Dogs, and bear like Asses. But if he be constant, may all the Masculine Sex be bless'd for his sake; may all women desire, admire, and love him; may Pleasure imbrace him, Health preserve him, and Time attend him; may he be arm'd with Power, crown'd with Peace, and all Obedience bow to his command; may the sound but of his Name bring joy to all hearts; may all be pleas'd for his Birth, pray for his Life, and fear his Death; may good Fortune trace his ways, whilst he tides upon the wings of a glorious Fame.

Exeunt.
Scene 9.
Enter Sir Francis Inconstant, as in another Country, with his new Mistris.
INconstant.

Sweet Mistris, you are the Elixar of Beauty: all other women are as unrefin'd metal, like base coyn.

New Mistris.

Whilst I am unmarry'd you'l flatter me; but when I am your Wife, you will change your complemental discourse to quarrelling dis∣putes, or insulting commands.

Inconstant.

O never, never, your Eye shall direct all my Actions, your Commands shall rule my Life, and your Pleasures shall be my onely De∣light.

Exeunt.
Scene 10.
Enter Sir James Hearty and his Man.
HEarty.

Here, take this Note, that you may not forget the Guests that are to be invited to my Daughters Wedding.

The man takes the Note, and looks on it.

Page 429

Can you read it?

Man.

I cannot tell Sir.

Hearty.

Let me hear if you can, or not.

Man.

Imprimis, Sir William Lovewell, and the Lady Hypocondria his Wife.

Item Sir Henry Sage, and the Lady Chastity his Wife.

Item Sir Edward Courtly, and the Lady Iealousie his Wife, and Mistris Iane Single her Sister.

Item Sir Thomas Cuckold, and the Lady Wanton his Wife.

Item Sir Humphey Disagree, and the Lady Disagree his Wife.

Item Sir Timothy Spendall, and the Lady Poverty his Wife.

Item the Lady Procurer.

Item Monsieur Amorous.

Hearty.

Well read, well read: As for the Lord Widower, I know he will not come: for I hear his Lady is newly dead. This is the Nature of the World; some marry, and some die.

Man.

Troth Sir, of the two Evils, I think it is better to die than to marry.

Hearty.

I am not of your mind: for I had rather have a ruddy, plain, soft Wench to be my Bd-fellow, than pale, grim, lean, numb, cold Death. But go your way about this Imployment, the whilst I will give direction for the Entertainment.

Exeunt.
Scene 11.
Enter the Lord VVidower, and the Lady Sprightly his Eldest Daughter, and other small Children, and Doll Subtilty, all weeping.
LOrd.

We have reason to weep: for you, my Children, have lost a good Mother, and I a loving Wife, and her servants a kind Lady; but we cannot alter Heavens Decrees: wherefore we must take comfort in what is, and not grieve for what cannot be helpt: And now, Daughter Sprightly, you must be as my Wife, Friend, and Daughter all in one: for as your Mo∣ther did, when she had health, govern my Family, so must you now she is dead; and you must take care of your young Brothers and Sisters, and Hea∣ven will reward thee with a good Husband and Children of your own: And as for her Maid here, who hath taken great pains all the time of your Mo∣thers sickness, ought to be rewarded for her care: wherefore, Daughter, let her wait upon you, as she did upon your Mother.

Doll Subtilty.

I thank your Lordship.

Exeunt.

Page 430

Scene 12.
Enter all the Bridal Guests, and pass over the Stage, as thorough a Room.
Scene. 13.
Enter Monsieur Disguise, as from the sea.
MOnsieur Disguise.

Surely the Fates have conspired against me, the winds were so cross, just like men, sometimes for us, and sometimes a∣gainst us.

Enter a Skipper.

Have you found out the Gentlemans lodging?

Skipper.

Yes Sir.

Disguise.

And was he at home?

Skipper.

He hath that which will invite him to stay at home, and keep him from wandring abroad for some time Sir.

Disguise.

What's that?

Skipper.

A fair Wife Sir: for a drunken Serving-man told me that one Sir Francis Inconstant had maried his Masters Daughter, and that the Wedding-Feast would continue a Week, if not a Fortnight.

Disguise.

And was the man drunk that told you so?

Skipper.

Yes surely: he seem'd so to me.

Disguise.

Then (perchance) he might tell you a lye.

Skipper.

He was not so drunk, but that he might tell a truth.

Disguise.

Prethee Friend do me one favour more, and then I will pay thee for thy pains.

Skipper.

What you please to command me Sir.

Disguise.

Then inquire for a mans-Tailor, to make me some Cloaths: for I am not Accoutred fit for a Bridal-House.

Skipper.

I shall Sir.

Exeunt.
Scene 14.
Enter two Maids of Sir John Dotards.
1 MAid.

'Faith I will go and inquire out a new service: for I will never be box'd by my fellow-servant that was, although now she is prefer'd to be House-keeper.

2 Maid.

How came the quarrel betwixt you?

1 Maid.

Why now, forsooth, she is come to Order and to Rectifie, she's not only grown light-finger'd, but fine-finger'd, as to touch nothing that is

Page 431

not bright-scour'd, nor then neither, without her gloves; and she calld for a candle and a candlestick to carry into my Masters Chamber, and I for haste run up with the candle, and forgot the candlestick, and had left it behind me: when I came, what, said she, do you bring a candle without a candlestick? Alas said I, I have forgot it; but hold you the candle, said I, and I will run and fetch the stick strait, and so I put the candle into her hand: with that, she up with her hand, and gave me a box on the ear, what, said she, do you give me a greasie candle to hold? I will teach you more manners, said she, against the next time: I being heated at the blow she gave me, cold her, that she had forgot since the Mouse bit her greasie face when she was asleep, taking it for a candles-end, or a piece of bacon: with that, she flew upon me, and I at her, where in the combat we made such a noise, as my Master came forth of his Chamber, and parted us, and then he bid me ge me out of his house, but kiss'd her, and pray'd her to pacifie her anger, and not to distemper her self with a rude wench as I was.

2 Maid.

And what said she then?

1 Maid.

Why she told my Master I was a naughty Baggage, a dirty Slur, a base Whore, and all the ill names she could; but I will not suffer this, for I will be gone.

1 Maid.

Nay, let us stay until we are provided of other Services.

Exeunt.
Scene 15.
Enter Monsieur Disguise alone:
MOnsieur Disguise.

And is he maried! O that I could pull out that part of my Brain which imprints his memory! for the wrongs he hath done me are so great and heavy, as I wish I could unload my Soul, and build a Pyramide of Curses, that may stand as a mark of his Infamy.

She studies a little time, then speaks.

I had rather banish my self, than live in disgrace in my own Countrey.

Exit.
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