Playes written by the thrice noble, illustrious and excellent princess, the Lady Marchioness of Newcastle.

ACT II.

Scene 10.

Enter Monsieur Satyrical, and Monsieur Frisk.

FRisk.

Monsieur Satyrical, I can tell you sad News.

Satyrical.

Let sadnesse sit upon the grave of Death, for I defie it.

Frisk.

But that man is in danger that stands as a Centre in a Circumference from whence all the malignant passions shoot at him, as Suspition, Spight, Envy, Hatred, Malice, and Revenge; and the more dangerous, by reason their Arrows are poysoned with Effeminate Rage.

Satyrical.

Let them shoot, for I am arm'd with Carelesnesse, and have a Spell of Confidence, which will keep me safe. But who are they that are mine Enemies?

Frisk.

No less than a dozen Ladies.

Satyrical.

If I can attain to fight with them apart, hand to hand, I make no question but to come off Conquerour; and if they assault me altogether, yet I make no doubt but I shall so skirmish amongst them, as I shall be on e∣qual terms. But what makes the breach of peace betwixt me and the La∣dies, and such a breach as to proclame Open Wars?

Frisk.

The Cause is just, if it be true as it is reported.

Satyrical.

Why what is reported?

Frisk.

It is reported you have divulged some secret favours those Ladies have given you.

Satyrical.

It were ungrateful to conceal a favour: for favours proceed from generous and noble Souls, sweet and kind Natures.

Frisk.

But Ladies favours are to be concealed and lock'd up in the Closet of secrecie, being given with privacy, and promise not to divulge them; and it seems by report you have broke your promise, for which they swear to be revenged.

Satyrical.

Faith all Women, especially Ladies, their natural humour is like the Sea, which will be neither quiet it self, always ebbing and flowing, nor let any thing be at rest on it: I know not what the Fishes are that are in it, but for any thing I can perceive to the contrary, they live in a perpetual motion: So doe Ladies; for their Passions and Affections ebb and flow from object to object; for one while they flow with love, then ebb with hate, sometimes they are rough with anger, and stormy with rage, then indifferent calm with patience, but that is seldome: But in the Spring-tide of Beauty they overflow all with pride, and their thoughts, like Fishes, are in a perpe∣tual motion, swimming from place to place, from company to company, from one meeting to another, and are never at rest.

Frisk.

Thou deserv'st to die the death of Orpheus.

Satyrical.

'Tis likely I shall, by reason I am a Satyrical Poet, and Women hate Satyre in Poetry, although not Wood or Forrest Satyrs; and the most extravagant and maddest Actions that ever were done, were done or acted by Women, and the truth is, Women are not only Batchelling some parts of the year, but all their life-long, for they drink vanity, and are mad-drunk with wantonnesse.

Frisk.

Let me tell you, that if I should be brought as a Witnesse, and should declare the truth, there were no hopes of mercy for thee.

Satyrical.

I grant it, if Women were to be my Judges.

Exeunt.

Scene 11.

Enter Excess, VVanton, Idle, and Surfet.

Excess.

Where shall we go for pastime to day? for our Lady hath left us to our own: pleasures to day.

Idle.

Let us go and swim in a Boat upon the River.

Wanton.

That is but a watrish Recreation; besides it is very dangerous, for many have been drowned in their idle pastimes.

Surfet.

If you will take my Counsel, let us go to the Lodge in the Park, and drink Sullybubs.

Wanton.

Yes, let us go, for the Lodge puts me into a good humour, and Sullybubs make me merry.

Idle.

You have reason, for it is a cheerly Cup, and a Cup of good fellow∣ship, for we may all eat and drink together.

Surfet.

Yes by spoonfuls.

Excess.

I love to be drunk by spoonfuls, for then I am drunk by degrees, and not at one draught, as a pinte, or a quart at a draught, as men do; be∣sides, though it be allowable for the sobrest noblest Women to be drunk with Wine-caudles, Sullybubs, Sack-possets, and the like, so it be by spoon∣fuls, yet it were abominable and most dishonourable for Women to be

drunk with plain Wine, and great draught, as men are; besides, in great draughts there is not that pleasure of taste, as in a little at a time.

Idle.

I believe that is the reason that Flemmings love to sip their Wine, be∣cause they would have the pleasure of Taste.

Wanton.

No question but they learn'd that of the Effeminate Sex, who love to taste of every thing.

Surfet.

I do believe it; for all women love spoon-meat.

Excess.

'Tis true, and to drink in spoons.

Idle.

Talk no more of eating and drinking, but eat and drink without talk∣ing, and afterwards talk to digest it.

Excess.

And after it is digested, let's eat and drink again.

Wanton.

So we shall do nothing but eat, drink, and talk.

Surfet.

Women do nothing else all their life-long.

Wanton.

By your favour but we do.

Excess.

Come, come, let us go.

Exeunt.

Scene 12.

Enter the Lady Ambition alone.

AMbition.

O that I might enjoy those pleasures which Poets fancy, living in such delight as nature never knew; nor that all Poets did write of me, not only to express their Wit, but my Worth, and that I might be praised by all mankind, yet not vulgarly, as in a croud of others praises, but my praises to be singularly inthron'd above the rest, and that all others commendations might have no other light but what proceeds from the splendor of my Fame: Also I wish that Nature had made me such a Beauty, as might have drawn the Eyes of the whole World as a Loadstone to gaze at it, and the splendor thereof might have inlightned every blind eye, and the beams therefrom might have comforted every sad heart, and the pleasing Aspect therein might have turned all passions into love; then would I have had Nature, For∣tune, and the Fates, to have given me a free power of the whole World, and all that is therein, that I might have prest and squeezed our the healing Bal∣somes, and sovereign Juices, and restoring Simples into every sick wounded and decayed body, and every disquieted or distemper'd mind: Likewise, that I might have been able to have relieved those that were poor and necessitous, with the hidden riches therein, and that by my power I might not only have obliged every particular creature and person, according to their worth and merit, but to have made so firm a peace amongst mankinde, as never to be dissolved.

Exeunt.

Scene 8.

Enter Monsieur Satyrical, and Monsieur Inquisitive.

INquisitive.

I wonder you should be an Enemy to Women.

Satyrical.

I am so far from being an Enemy to the Effeminate Sex, as I am the best friend they have: for I do as a friend ought to do, which is, to tell them truth, when other men deceive them with flattery.

Inquisitive.

But they complain, and say you exclame and rail against them.

Satyrical.

Their complaints proceed from their partial Self-love and Lu∣xury: for they love pleasing flattery, as they do Sweet-meats, and hate rigid truth, as they do a bitter potion, although the one destroys their health, the other prolongs their life.

Inquisitive.

But they are so angry, as they all swear, and have made a vow to be revenged on you.

Satyrical.

Let them throw their spleens at me, I will stand their malice, or dart forth Amorous glances, they will not pierce my heart: for Pallas is my Shield, and Cupid hath no power.

Inquisitive.

If they cannot wound you with their Eyes, they will sting you with their Tongues, for Women are like Bees.

Satyrical.

If they are like Bees, their stings lie not in their Tongues.

Exeunt.

Scene 14.

Enter Mother Matron, Bon' Esprit, Portrait, Faction, Ambition, Pleasure

MAtron.

I can tell you News, Ladies.

Portrait.

What News, Mother Matron?

Matron.

Why there is a rich young Heir come to Town.

Superbe.

Some foolish Son of a miserable Father, who hath spared from his back and belly, to make his Son vain and prodigal. But what shall we be the better for this rich Heir?

Matron.

Why marry if you can get him, you will be so much the better as a rich Husband can make you.

Ambition.

He will first be got by the Cheats in the Town, which Cheats have more subtilty, and will be more industrious to get him, than the young∣est and beautifullest, and wittyest Lady of us all; so as there is no hopes of gaining him, until he is so poor, as he is not worth the having.

Faction.

But if he could be had whilest he were rich, it were no great vi∣ctory; for I dare say his Mothers Landry-maid might be as soon a Conque∣ress, as a great Lady: But if we could conquer and imprison Monsieur Sa∣tyrical in Loves Fetters, that would be a Conquest worthy Fames Trum∣pet.

Pleasure.

O that would be such an Exploit, as it would be an Honour to our Sex.

Bon' Esprit.

There is nothing I desire more, than to be she that might in∣fetter him.

Portrait.

I long to insnare him.

Ambition.

So do I.

Bon' Esprit.

Faith I will lay an Ambuscado for him.

Matron.

Fie Ladies, sie, I am asham'd to hear the Designs you have no catch Monsieur Satyrical; such Fair, Young, Noble Ladies to be so wan∣ton, as none will content you but a wilde, rough, rude Satyr.

Bon' Esprit.

If I were sure there were no other ways to get him, I would become a Wood-nymph for his sake.

Matron.

You have forgot the Nymph that was turned into a Bear.

Bon' Esprit.

O she was one of cruel Diana's Nymphs; but I will be none of her Order.

Matron.

No, I dare swear you will not; for 'tis unlikely you should, when you desire to imbrace a Satyr.

Bon' Esprit.

I do not desire to imbrace him, but to enamour him.

Matron.

Well, Ladies, your Parents gave you to my Care and Charge; but since you are so wilde, to talk of nothing but Nymphs, Woods, and Sa∣tyrs, I will resigne up the Trust which was imposed on me, to your Pa∣rents again; for I will not adventure my Reputation with such wanton young Ladies.

Bon' Esprit.

Mother Matron, let me tell thee, thy Reputation is worn out of thee, Time hath devoured it, and therefore thou hast no Reputation to lose.

Exeunt.

Scene 15.

Enter Monsieur Censure, and Monsieur Frisk.

FRisk.

Fath Tom. I have emptyed thy pockets.

Censure.

Thou hast pick'd my pockets with thy juggling Dice, for which, if thou wert a woman, and in my power, I would be reveng'd for my loss.

Frisk.

Why, what would you do if I were a Woman?

Censure.

I would condemn thee to a solitary silent life, which to a woman is worse than Hell; for company and talking is their Heaven, and their Tongues are more restless than the Sea, their Passions more stormy than the Winds, and their Appetites more unsatiable and devouring than fire; they are lighter than Air, more changing than the Moon.

Frisk.

What makes thee thus rail at the Effeminate Sex?

Censure.

Have I not reason, when Fortune is of the same gender?

Enter Madamoiselle Faction.

Frisk.

Faith Tom, I must tell.

Faction.

What will you tell?

Frisk.

Why I will tell you, Lady, he hath rail'd most horribly against your Sex.

Faction.

That is usual: for all those men which never received, nor hope to receive any favour from our Sex, will rail against it.

Censure.

Those men have no reason, Lady, to commend you, if they ne∣ver received neither profit nor pleasure from you; and those that have been cruelly used by your Sex, may lawfully rail against it.

Faction.

The Laws of Honour forbid it.

Censure.

But the Laws of Nature allow it, and Nature is the most pre∣vailing law.

Faction.

Natures law is for Men to love Women, and Women Men, but in you and I there is not that Sympathy; for I dislike your Sex, as much as you do ours, and could rail with as free a will against it. The truth is, that although I do not hate men, yet I despise them; for all men appear to me either Beasts or Butter-flies, which are either sensual or vain: Indeed most men are worse than beasts; for beasts are but according to their kind, when men are degenerated by beastly Sensualies, from which they were made; for as most men are worse than beasts, so you are worse than most men.

Censure.

It is a favour, Lady, from your Sex, to rail against ours; for it is a sign you have considered us, and that we live in your memory, although with your ill opinions; yet it is better to live with Enemies, than not to be; and of all men, I have received the greatest favour from the chiefest of your Sex, which is your self, in that you have considered me most, though you have found me worst, yet it proves you have thought of me.

Faction.

If those thoughts and dispraises be favours, I will binde so many together, until they become as thick and hard as steel, of which you may make an Armour, to keep your Reputation from wounds of reproach.

She goes out.

Frisk.

There Tom. she hath paid thee both for thy Railings and Com∣plements.

Censure.

She hath not payd me in current coyn.

Frisk.

It will pass for disgrace, I'll warrant thee.

Exeunt.

Scene 16.

Enter Madam Ambition, Faction, Portrait, Bon' Esprit, Pleasure.

BOn' Esprit.

There are but three things a gallant man requires, which is, a Horse, a Sword, and a Mistris.

Ambition.

Yet a gallant man wants Generosity; for the greatest honour for a man, is to be generous; for Generosity comprises all Virtues, good Qualities, and sweet Graces; for a generous man will never spare his life, purse, nor labour, for the sake of just Right, plain Truth, Honest Poverty, Distress, Misery, or the like; for a generous man hath a couragious, yet compassionate Heart, a constant and noble Mind, a bountiful Hand, an active and industrious Life; and he is one that joyes more to do good, than others to receive good.

Pleasure.

There are few or none that have such noble Souls, as to prefer a∣nothers good before their own.

Portrait.

The truth is, men have more promising Tongues, than perform∣ing deeds.

Faction.

For all I can perceive, mans life is composed of nothing but de∣ceit, treachery, and rapine.

Bon' Esprit.

Indeed mans mind is like a Forest, and his thoughts, like wilde beasts, inhabit therein.

Ambition.

Mans Mind is like a Sea, where his Thoughts, like Fishes, swim therein, where some Thought are like huge Leviathans, others like great Whales, but some are like Sprats, Shrimps, and Minnues.

Enter Monsieur Sensuality.

Sensuality.

What is like a Minnues?

Ambition.

A mans Soul.

Sensuality.

It is better have a soul, although no bigger than a Minnues, than none at all, as Women have; but if they have, I dare swear it is no bigger than a pins point.

Bon' Esprit.

Very like, which point pricks down thoughts into the Brain, and Passions in the heart, and writes in the Brain witty Conceits, if the point be sharp.

Sensuality.

No, no, it serves onely to raise their brains with Vanity, to ingrave their hearts with Falshood, and to scratch out their lives with Dis∣content.

Pleasure.

We oftner scratch out mens lives than our own.

Sensuality.

Nay, you oftner scratch out our honour than our lives.

Faction.

For my part, I have an itch to be scratching.

Sensuality.

I believe you, for you have a vexatious soul.

Faction.

It hath cause to be vexatious, for the point of my soul is whetted with Aqua Fortis against your Sex.

Sensuality.

I'm sure, Lady, your tongue is whetted with Aqua Fortis.

Faction.

So is yours.

Sensuality.

If it be, let us try which point is sharpest.

Faction.

I will leave the Trial to Time and Occasion.

Exeunt.

Scene 17.

Enter Madam Superbe, and an Antient Woman.

VVOman.

Madam, I am an humble Suter to your Ladyship.

Superbe.

What is your sute?

Woman.

That you will be pleased to take a young Maiden into your ser∣vice of my preferring.

Superbe.

In what place?

Woman.

To wait and attend on your person.

Superbe.

Let me tell you, that those servants that attend on my person, do usually accompany me in all my Pastimes, Exercises, and sometimes in Con∣versation:

Wherefore they must be such as are well born, well bred, well behav'd, modest, and of sweet dispositions, virtuous, and of strict life, other∣wise they are not for me; and if I find them not so, I shall soon turn them away.

Woman.

Why Madam, even Diana her self, as severe and strict as she was, had some wanton Nymphs, that would commit errours; although they seem∣ed all sober and modest, and profess'd chastity, yet they would slip out of the way and her presence sometimes.

Superbe.

But she never failed to turn them out of her service, and some she cruelly punished; so that what her severity could not prevent, yet her severity did punish; for Diana's practice was not to watch her wanton Nymphs, nor to hunt out their evil haunts, or lurking-places, to see their evil actions, but her practice was to hunt the more modest and temperate creatures, which were the beasts of the Fields and Forests: So, like as Diana, I shall not watch my Maids, nor pardon their rude or dishonourable actions.

Woman.

Pray Madam try this Maid, for she is very honourably born, and well bred, but poor.

Superbe.

I shall not refuse her for poverty: But as I will have some bound for the truth and trust of my vulgar servants, so I will have some bound for the behaviour, virtue, and modesty of my honourable servants, or else I will not take them.

Exeunt.