The Vulgar Fights.

A Young Gentleman, of a good Natural Wit, had a desire to travel: but first, he would vi∣sit every Province in his own Countrey, before he went into Forreign Kingdoms; preferring the know∣ledg of his own Native Soil, before those wherein he was neither born, nor meant to dwell. So he went to the Chief Metropolitan City, where he did intend to stay some time, that he might inform himself best of the several Trades, Trafficks, Im∣posts, Laws, Customs, Offices, and the like. When he was come to it, he sent his Man to seek him out some Lodgings in some private House, because Inns are both troublesome, and more chargeable. His Man had not gone far, but he saw a Bill over a Trades-man's Door, to let Passengers know there were Lodgings to be Lett. The Mistress sitting at the Door, he asked her if he might see the Lodg∣ings that were to be Lett?

She answered, No; she would first see them that were to take them: Who is it that would take them, said she?

My Master, said he.

Hath he a Wife, said she?

Why ask you that, said he?

Because (said she) I will not Lett my Lodgings to any Man that brings a Wife: for, Women to Women are troublesome Guests; whenas Men are very acceptable: and I thank the Gods (said she) I am not so poor as I care for the Profit, but for Company and Conversation: for, to have no other Company but my Husband, is very dull and me∣lancholy.

The man said, My Master hath no Wife.

Is he a young man, said she?

Yes, said he.

Is he a handsome man, said she?

Yes, said he.

Then, said she, my Lodging is at his service.

At what Rate are they, said the Man?

She said, Your Master and I shall not fall out about the Price.

So he returned to his Master, and told him, He had found not only Lodgings, but (as he thought) a fair Bed-fellow for him; for the Mistress would make no Bargain but with himself.

So thither he went, where he found all things ac∣commodated for his use; and his Landlady, who was a handsome Woman, and her Husband a plain Man, bid him very welcome; then taking their Page  159 leave, left him to himself: after which, the good man seldom troubled him; but the Wife was so officious, as he seldom mist of her Company; and so wondrous kind as might be, making him White∣wine-Caudles for his Break-fast, and giving him ve∣ry oftern Collations: besides, if he stay'd out, she would send her Husband to bed, and wait for his coming home: for which Kindness he would return her Courtly Civilities.

He went often abroad to view the City, and to see the course of the People, and the several passa∣ges that happen in such places: and one day, as he went through a large Street, a Coach-man and Car∣man man fell out for out for the right side of the way; the Car∣man said he was loaded, and therefore would not give way; the Coach-man said, It was not fit for a Coach to give way to a Cart, and therefore he should give way: so after words, follow'd blows; and their Whips were their Mettle-blades, where∣with they fought and lashed one another soundly. The Gentleman, seeing them lashing one another so cruelly, spake to his Man to part the Fray. In troth, Master, said the Man, if I shall go about to part all foolish Frays, or but one in a City, I may chance to go home with a broken Pate, and get no Reputation for the loss of my blood.

Thence they went to the Market place, and there were two Women which had fallen out about their Page  160 Merchandize, and their fight was much fiercer than the Coach-man and Carters, and their words more offensive, and their Nails more wounding than Whips, insomuch as they had scratched each other so, that the blood trickled down their faces: where∣upon the Gentleman, being of a pitiful nature, com∣manded his man to part them: The man said, I will adventure on the Feminine Sex, for I believe I can pacifie them, at least make my party good: so he went and spoke to them to forbear each other; but their ears were stopt with the sound of their scold∣ing; and when he went to part them, it did so en∣rage their fury, as they left fighting with each other, and fell upon him; who, to help himself, was for∣ced to fight with them both: at last it grew to be a very hot Battel; first off went his Hat, then down fell his Cloak; he thrust them from him, they prest upon him; he cuft them, they laid on blows on him; they tore his Band, he tore their Kerchers; they pull'd his Hair, he pull'd their Petticoats; they scratch'd his Face, he beat their Fingers; he kick'd them, they spurned him: at last, with strugling, they all three fell into the Kennel; and so close they fought, as those three Bodies seemed but one Bo∣dy, that moved as a Whale on a shallow shore, which wants water to swim; even so they lay wa∣ving and rolling in the Kennel: in this time a num∣ber of people were gathered about them to see them Page  161 fight, (for it is the nature of common people to look on Combats, but part none; to make frays, but not friends) who enrag'd them the more, and enflam'd their angers with their shooting-noises: but the Gentleman, that was concerned for his Man, desired the people to part them; who cryed out, Let them fight, Let them fight; and they that had so much good nature as to offer to pull them asunder, were hindered by the rest. At last the Constable came, and did cause them all three to be put into the Stocks; the Man was placed be∣twixt the two Women, which made him almost deaf of both his Ears; for though their Legs were fast, their Tongues were loose; with which they rung him such a Scolding-Peal, as made his Head dizzy; whereas he, without speaking one word, sate in a most lamentable posture, with his Clothes all rent and torn, his Face all scratch'd and bloody, and that Hair they left on his Head, all ruffled, and standing an end, as if he were affrighted: But at last his Master, by bribing the Constable, got his Man out of the Stocks, and gave the Constable so much more to keep the Women shackled a longer time; who, when they saw the Man let loose, and they still fast, were stark mad. The Man was so dogged, that he would not speak to his Master, because it was by his command he came into that Womanish Quar∣rel. His Master, to pacifie him, and to reward him for his obedience, gave him new Clothes, and all Page  162 things suitable, and Money, to be Friends again. But though the Money did qualifie his Passion, yet he was wonderful angry for the disgrace (as he thought it) to be beaten by Women, and prayed his Master to give him leave to depart from him, that he might retire to some meaner man's Service, where he might hide his Dishonour. His Master told him, He thought he never had much Honour to lose; neither would any trouble their thoughts, and burthen their memory, with such foolish Quar∣rels: But howsoever (said his Master) if you be a Man of Honour, as you imagine your self, you should glory in this Combat; for Honourable and Gallant Men will not refuse to grasp with Women, and take it as an honour to receive blows from them; a rent Band is their Victory, and a scratcht Face their Trophy, and their scolding Speech is their Chariot, wherein they ride in triumph. Hea∣ven (said the Man) deliver me from that Honour; for I had rather grasp a Fury of Hell, than an angry Woman!

So home they went; and when they came to their Lodging, they found the Man and his Wife together by the ears; the Man cursing, the Wife scolding, and the Wares in their Shop flung about; for they had hurled all they could lay hold on, at each other's head: Both Master and Man stood at the door, not daring to enter the House, for fear Page  163 they should partake of the Quarrel. At last said the Man to his Master, Sir, now you may have those Honourable Victories, Trophies, and Tri∣umphs, you spake of, if you will endeavour to part them. His Master answered, That one man was enough for one woman, and two would be too much. The Man said, I found two women too much for one man, and I dare lay a wager our Land∣lady will be too hard for our Landlord. He had no sooner spoke, but the Wife had broke her Hus∣band's Head with a Measure that lay by; which as soon as she had done, she run into the Kitchin, and shut the Door to secure her self, making it her Ca∣stle of Defence; where her Husband followed with threatning-language, then bounced and beat against the Door to break it open; but she had not only barred and lock'd it, but set all the Pots, Pans, and Spits against it, as a Barricado to make it strong. At last the Gentleman went to his Landlord, and perswaded him to be friends with his Wife. At first he would not hear him; but at last, when he found he could not get in, and that his fury was wasted with the many assaults against the door, he was con∣tented to have a Parley: Then there was a Truce agreed upon for two hours; in which time the Gen∣tleman managed the Quarrel so well, as he made them Friends; the Wife being contented to be Friends with her Husband for the Gentleman's sake, Page  164 and the Husband for Quiet's sake. The Man was also contented to stay with his Master, when he saw he was not the only man that was beaten by wo∣men, but triumphed that the Landlord was beaten by one, when he had two against him.