Money is an asse a comedy, as it hath been acted with good applause / written by Tho. Jordain ...

Scene the First▪

Enter Featherbrain Solus.

Fea.

IMpudent Slaves Joy in your sordid Acts, your peices of Lascivious Gravity, hath Age taught you to be but wise in sin, must you be revereced cause you are become high in Ini∣quity, bravely Audacious, yet pardon my rash words, ye are to me my better Jenious, I should honour ye, call ye the Patrons of my happiness for you have told me that, (had it been kept till I had wedded this intemperate Woman creature) had ruin'd me for ever, crewel woman, what Cupids did you see in wrinkled brows, sunk Eyes, and whithered cheeks, should make your blood with such a flame, kindle your appetite, hide me some happy mist, for here she comes would tempt another Adam.

Enter Felixina.

Oh my heart the killing Basalisk is more courteous, his visage doth pretend no less than death, but here's a Ram shap't in Inno∣cence.

Felix.

What so private: I have strange news to tell you.

Fea.

Shee will offend no more, hath heard, I know it and will fain penitence (death) I must ••peak to her, though I perish by it, Oh divinity, defend me from this peice of beautious Magick, and I will be thy Anchorite— is your news good Felixina.

Felix.

Exceeding good to me Sir.

Fea.

Goo•• come to thee, is Hell and Heaven met, or is incon∣tinency proved no crime

aside

as our wise Sophisters maintaine with good my sweet.

Felix.

My Father gives us free consent to marry.

Fea.

Does he indeed, a peice of pleasing mischeif,

aside

what joy have we Felixina.

Felix.

Will not you kiss me for my newes now.

Fea.

Joy so transported me I had forgot

they kiss

Oh Hespirides, thy garden yeilds such fruit, that I must pluck it though the Dragon seaze me—

aside

her breath excels perfumes, and on her lip lies such a pleasing warmth, might melt the souls of devout Hermets, — Oh you dangerous sweet one, might I be promised to enjoy thee thus, when our two souls are doubled to the Abiss, ide pass through this Elizium of sins and bless my Temptress.

Felix.

What do you mean Sir.

Fea.

Nothing, why dost thou ask sweet heart.

Felix.

You talk so strangely.

Fea.

Indeed I do to talk of bliss in Hell.

Felix.

Oh sister now I fear you.

Fea.

But when must wee be married fair Felixina.

Felix.

Do you prefix the time Sir— you will not want a Bride.

Fea.

Thou wilt be shee I warrant, hum what do ye blush would we were married now, there is an amorus flame crept in my blood, makes every limb a wanton, prethee kiss me agen,— tell mee— dost not thou

they kiss

find a mutiny in thy blood, relish my pulss. I am not aged but can meet thy fire with heat more active then that flames desire.

Felix.

What do you mean Sir, saying heat and fire, give your strange Dialect some Demonstration, I apprehend you not.

Fea.

Venus will be a Nun, and preach Virginity, Oh were should Devils get such Angels shapes

aside

Ile tell thee then— thy beauty and my love (too potent Tempters) envite me to that Lilly bed thy brest, where I might banquet on thy curious body. Lets imitate the warm em∣bracing Turtles instruct each other how our Parents did, when by their Amorous play we were create and propagate the world, with love born Creatures, what do ye gaze on mee— I am turn'd Devil too, Devil too, and will conspire with thee in loose im∣braces to beget a race of Tempters, say do I not look like a most amorous Incubus.

Felix.

You scare me with your words.

Fea.

But did that bosome harbour Innocence, thou wouldst (undaunted) hear me.

Felix.

That Innocence protect me.

Fea.

Nay fly me not, I am as bad as thee, I am surprized nere fear it— Oh my gross essence.

Felix.

Sweet Sir, unfold your discontents, do you not think me chast, pray look on me.—

Fea.

Oh no, thy eyes, will make my Judgment stagger, ye are all innocence in shew, but that frail man, that by your species, shall (like me) imagine some inferior vertue, shall close himself within a den of thraldomes, I did believe thee innocently good as rich in Soul, as feature, I did think each sentence that thy tongue did utter me some,

Prophesies of happiness, but yet I find All these but spectars, to delude the mind.

Felix.

Pray Sir be more particular, does my indulgence of you tell you so, or my bold love declare my Levity, was I too easie won, or else too free, being won too.—

Fea.

Oh, I stop there, that kindness is my torment hadst thou repulst me, with a brave disdain, when for thy love I was an Ora∣tor, I had become a gross Idolator, in paying Adoration to thy name.

Felix.

Shall I not know the nature of my guilt.

Fea.

Incontinency.

Felix.

Incontinency—oh

she swounds

Fea.

Oh me she swounds, as if within that word, lay rigorous Thunder, in me an Earth-quake is, shivering my Joynts, like (too aged) building, I could out sigh rough Eolus, what a stormy vile, lust does make in calm Lovers bosoms, how like a Virgin in con∣tented Urn, (that living knew not, what man call'd a crime) lies this Deceptio visus, since she is false it will be piety, to raise her to repentance, I am resolved, if I did warm this Viper in my breast, and onely have her sting for recompence, welcome my fate, she stirs, sure she'l prevent me.

Fe.

Oh never wake sir, if she be false, may she thus die unpittied— let her not have a Grave, preserve her body and vile memory, to fright Mortality, when Maidens plight their faith, and do enfringe

let their wrong'd Lovers, curse my wandring spirit, who living here, was but their base example.

Fea.

Bless me good Powers, how these strange dangerous words, do operate in my fidelity. I scarce believe her false now.

aside

Felix.

Sweet Gentleman (the name of Love you cancel) who hath possessed your noble spirit thus.

Faith I scarce think thou know'st— his names Mony.

Felix.

What the Grand Devil of Rank, Callumney, would you belive him Sir.

Fea.

'Twas spoke in such a way.

Felix.

If in your brest any credulity, you ever lodg'd to receive Virgins Oaths, let mine a while appease you, and encourage that noble spirit, which you bear within you, unto an Act by my in∣vention fram'd shall make this Incurrer truly confess, his words, to be gross scandal.

Fea.

And vindicate thy honour with his Death, How many Ill's proceeds from Sorded breath.

Enter Calumney Credit, and Mony,

Cal.

But did you do it bravely.

Mo.

For speech, and action Rosius might have learn'd, had been living.

Cal.

And how did they take it—ha.

Cred.

Very contentedly— they were not mov'd.

Mo.

Made slight (as men of actions not concern them)

Cal.

They are subtile Rogues, and preserv'd, all in thought yea have prevented them ne're fear it, for if they marry them, Callum∣ney is your bondman.

Both,

Oh noble Callumney.

Cal.

If they should question more, be you still confident, re∣member your estates, be that your Ienius, I speak from my love, I would not have such noble Spirits ruin'd come lets be gone.

Mo.

But I hope, they'l urge no more.

You cannot tell, be you prepar'd for't, to seem but daunted were

to open all, and so you may become ridiculous Beggars 〈◊〉〈◊〉 you were in state belov'd of all, all then will reckon you but 〈◊〉〈◊〉 counterfeits.

Mo.

And then we are fit for no place, but new England.

Cal.

Come follow me and be victorious.

Enter, Featherbrain, and Captain Pennyless.

Fea.

Come, I dare swear they are chast.

Cap.

Oh I, as vertuous as waiting Gentlewomen, who will not deny the Grooms a courtesie, to shew they are free from Pride, or they which serve antient rich Batchellors, that in their Candles mix cantarides, to raize Rebellious Spirits, Midwives at thirty, Widdows at Nineteen, as Hellens Maid that wrote the Book, De arte Venerea.

Fea.

Oh fy upon thee, thou wilt make them Monsters, come, come, follow my Directions, i'l warrant thee, we'l prove them honest Maids, ere we have done.

Cap.

Will you so, i'l say you are further read in Dialectica, then a great many of your fore-fathers, no, i'l trouble my self no further— e'ne those that broke them, sodder u'm.

Fea.

If thou dost anger me, i'l beat thee into, belief (and that's a strange kind of Rhetorick) come they have, they have Golden Portions think of that.

Cap.

If thou dost lead me to damnation.

Fea,

I'l be burn'd for thee, come follow me.

Enter Clutch, Felixina and Feminia.

Clutch,

But do they entertain your loves, so willingly good Girls you have done bravely (my own flesh) let me kiss you both i'l make ye Goddesses, yea little wantons.

Felix.

I Sir, but Money and Credit.

Clutch,

For them let me alone, Money is an Ass, Credit his

Ningle, let um pass I have ore reach'd their Gravities, my sub∣tilety shall make perdition, their inhabitary Mansion, me thinks I hear them curse and rail on Clutch, whilst I content me with the Foxes Proverb (better when he's curst, a ha Mrs. Gold, and Mrs. Iewel.

Fea.

But ther's a scandal laid upon our fame.

Clutch,

What's that, what scandal i'st, if it hinder not our ends, no matter Mony will buy good tongues.

Fem.

It hinders our hope to marriage.

Clutch,

What with Gold and Iewel, declare it, ha, with Gold and Iewel, speak it, oh my sweet hopes.

Felix.

Mony and Credit (joyn'd with Callumney) Proclaim us both their Whores.

Fem.

Iewel and Gold this hearing, casts us off exposing us to Contumelius laughter.

Clutch,

Oh Callumney, thou art mischievous, and hast out-reacht me, this will bring madness on me Gold and Iewel (my illustrate hopes) banished to live in desperations desert, Mammon (thou God of our adored earth) why dost thou suffer such events to th'wart me.

Felix.

Sir a devise (by me already fram'd, and well approv'd off) shall our humours gain and we match with our liking.

Clutch,

Gold and Iewel.

Both,

Yes Sir.

Felix.

But hear me out Sir, these as they are rich, will not be brought i'th compass of defraud, if as our Portions you'l deliver up, half those estates, Mony, and Credit own'd, we have wrought them to ingage theirs unto you, in witness of each other, then they are ours, if this may not be done, 'tis their resolves, to leave us to the hazard of our Fortunes.

Clutch,

Oh as I could wish— i'l do't, i'l do't, where be they i'l be ingaged immediately.

Felix.

In that withdrawing Room, they wait your Answer.

Clutch,

'Tis well I am contented.

Exit

Manet Felixina, and Feminia.

Felix.

So this is contriv'd, to purpose, is it not, now our de∣sires will finish (my Feminia) am I not worthy applause, be free to me.

Fem.

Thou hast dispos'd things rarely bur (in brief) tell me wer't thou perswaded I would be thy rival.

Felix.

By Love I was, but prethy pardon me.

Fem.

Pardon thee, yes upon condition you'l return the like, I had as much of foolish Jealousie, as love could let them claim.

Felix.

I hope it will prevent that Plague, in Marriage I would not entertain it a whole year for more then the Worlds riches.

Fem.

But are not we obedient Children, to gull our Father thus.

Felix.

Heaven pardon us, 'tis not our greatest Crime, in such a cause as this.

I hope so too, and time shall tell (sweet Madam, Though we made shift for Husbands, yet we had um.

Exeunt.

Enter Featherbrain, and Mony▪

Fea.

But dost think she is with child.

Mo.

I cannot tell I did my best endeavour. you may imagine how a man inspired by such a beauty may be stir himself.

Fea.

I warrant she is a Bedfellow for a Iove.

Mo.

Faith I would scarce exchange her, for his Juno, why Nector is extracted from her lips, her breath excells sweets of Ara∣bia.

But those choyce parts, which none but I could merit, Would call up heat, in a cold coward spirit.

Fea.

She hath infused Poety in you.

Mo.

Have not I been at her Helicon— now I speak to pur∣pose.

Fea.

And is she pliable in her sports to you.

Mo.

As is the Fish unto the Anglers bait, playes to beget desire.

Fea.

Very Wanton.

Mo.

As Leda, in the arms of Iupiter, I could not think my memory could—

aside

Bless my tongue with so many good words to my purpose, but my estate that does it — Oh noble Callumney.

Enter Captain Penniless and Credit.

Cap.

What desperate Vow, won her, to credit you mee thinks she's nice, and very proudly coy.

Cred.

To strangers she is, to me she was, but that she saw my faith in my great Oathes.

Cap.

What were they pray Sir.

Cred.

Marry Sir, the greatest and surest was Cadeedlo.

Cap.

Indeed then she might well believe you — Cadeedlo quoth a —

Cred.

And now we play and sport as familiarly as puppies, I call her spouse, shee calls me head—

Cap.

A most firm Conjunction, her Father doth not know it you say.

Cred.

Not yet, and I hope you will not tell Sir.

Enter Clutch.

Cap.

You need not care, since his consent is given.

Cred.

That's all one (poor soul) she would blush her self to death, if she but thought he knew it.

Cap.

Why doe ye expose your secrets to my bosome, I am a very blab, I shall disclose.

Cred.

Will you undoe your kinsman.

Cap.

Hearken to me.

Clutch.

They are at it, I must make one, on both sides — now my part comes in, what Gentlemen retired, I am too bold to in∣terrupt your privacies.

Fea.

You are not Sir, pray stay— are the doors to lock.

aside

Clutch.

They are most strangely barracaded—

aside

Crid.

No stay till to morrow, then Revel at large, I would be married first.

Cap.

Noe. prethee be perswaded, I would fain see how the old man would relish his Daughters forwardness, he knowes hot constitutions must be abated.

Mo.

Break your discourse off, I would not have the old man guess out this private deed, he is a peice of dangerous subtilety.

Fea.

Then all is true you tell mee.

Mo

If you be incredulous, ask my Ningle Credit.

Fea.

No, no, ile take your word, as you shall mine, you are a peice of dam'd impiety, sent but to teach the world Idolatry: the Peasants wisdome, the vain Citties Pride, the Misers luxury, the only guide to Fools and worldlings, you were made to shew Hells broadest entrance.

Cap.

Think not I am a patient Auditor, I am not passive cause I dare not Act, but keep your breath till I am charg'd with it, nor then prepare for stormes as violent, as the just Heavens shower upon impious Seamen after black imprecations.

Cred.

Bless me these words are worse then sympathize or con∣cur, what do you mean Sir.

Clutch.

Now it works— are ye at difference Gentlemen.

Fea.

If ever you had fear, express it now be not so ignorant as to believe, I will not vindicate that Ladies Honour, you by your guilded witchcraft have deprived, tell me you Chaos of confusion, what Negromancy from Gehenna brought, wrought this white innocence unto a deed, black, as your sorded entrails.

Clutch.

Son Money, what's the matter.

Money.

Alas I know not Sir (oh cursed Callumny) what is your will Sir, with me?

Capt.

Thou hast by Magick and Pretigious Charms Effussinated such a Noble Creature, that all Excrutiations, Hell invents will be too sweet a Guerden for the deed.

Cred.

The wonderful words of man, if I know what he means more then I tell would I were burn'd pray Sir be plainer.

Clutch,

How go the Squares Son Credit, draw, draw.

Fea.

Keep my swords length

To the Captain, then to Feather.

Sir, they are past a Rescue, you ought to be my Agent in this Cause.

Mo.

My purpose is to make amends with Marriage.

Fea.

Is that my satisfaction, Know sir by oath she was contracted mine, and had not violated that decree, but by some (Hell wrought) witchcraft, therefore knovv no vvay but this, shall right me—if you think brief repentance can obtain abatements in your Torments, take your time, I vvill

The Captains offer to run at Credit.

attend some minutes.

Cred.

Oh hold, take my confession she is (for ought I knovv more Man then vvoman, if ever I toucht more then hand, or—lip— Cadeedlo, there's my oath, my undoing oath, may I not thrive vvithout honesty.

Cap.

But are you serious.

Cred.

Hang me if I be not.

Mo.

You may believe these oaths.

Enter Clutch

Fea.

Knovv Sir, vve are ingaged to your daughters, and vvill our Contracts Consumate vvith speed. But your consent is sold, to those that shall but little by it

Enter Felixina and Feminia.

Mo.

Since you have of this, craft and that I see the vvomen are Auditors, vveel resign our intrest up, injoy the fruit of your ill labour'd brain.

Fea.

Do you hear this Sir.

Clutch.

But are my daughters contented.

Felix.

Sir happiness, and these are so nere kin: enjoying them all happiness is ours, and pray Sir tell me, you that durst lay claim to that Pure Maides prize bove all earthly treasure, hath my tongue, ever been so vile to vovv any affection to you, clear me, and your self.

Mo.

You might have been so vvise.

Fem.

And you Sir, like an Image in black Chalk vvhat vovvs, or oaths can you lay claim to novv, more then Cadeedlo.

Cred.

Oh that Cadeedlo—that had been enough for any Chri∣sten'd vvoman to have svvorn.

Clutch,

Well since 'tis thus, and that you are well agreed marry my Daughters, take my Blessings with them, be witness all.

Enter Callumney.

Cal.

Oh curst attonement, terror to mine eyes is all my plot∣ting projects come to this confusion separate your conjunctions.

Clutch,

What my true Servant Calumny, give me thy hand, thou man of discontent, what think you of my eldest daughter now sir— you must hatch projects then—ha, look, look, see if Mr. Gold, and Mr. Iewel have not prevail'd, Mony and Credit were but shallow Lovers,— Sirrah — sirrah, have I not riches in abundance, Money and Credit, Gold and Jewel.

Cal.

May thy Gold, (moulten choak thee.

Cluch,

Not yet Callumney, not yet,— prethy be more chari∣table, thou shalt have my eldest daughter.

Fea.

Spawn of iniquity, whose infectious breath carries more horror to the bearers Ears, then doth the sentence of just Rada∣manth, unto the black offenders— what is this Lady false, spit out your gall, and tell me.

Cal.

If she be not, she's not to old to learn, too learn, and as young stock, as you may have a Graft, the City keeps a Nursery thank the Court Gardners.

Fea.

How durst thou speak thus.

Cal.

Oh good Sir, Fools and Cynicks, talk by Pattent, I am a fool or you had gone to wrack, with your fair brides (that must be) weak hearted Gentlemen wher's your estates, you were all, deluded Prisoners, you shall be till the Devils dead, (my good old Master, and after (too) unless some Prodigal succeed him which is the best your hopes can promise.

Clutch,

Come Gentlemen mind him not, all he can do is rail, will you to Church, these my obligatory Gentlemen, shall be the witness to your sacred contract.

Both.

We are content

Mo.

I do not envy much, my couzen Gold by birth doth claim presedency of me—Let him en••oy it.

Cred.

I yeild so too, Iewel commands his Credit.

Fea.

We thank you Gentlemen, and are ingaged to your sub∣limed vertues.

they discover

Clutch,

How now what's this.

Cap.

Nothing Sir, but the Golds uncurrant.

Fea.

And the Iewel's counterfeit.

Mo.

Hath Featherbrain.

Cred.

And Pennyless.

Clutch,

Daughters these are Counterfeits, shake um off, these are, nor Gold nor Jewel—how am I couzened.

Cal.

Ha, ha, ha.

Fem.

As true as I live Sister, they are handsomer men now their beards are off, by ten parts (beshrew me Sir) we will not part from them, for all this, I love a counterfeit Iewel as well as ere a Lady in the Land.

Felix.

Ye have the writings.

Fea.

I, I warrant thee wench.

Clutch,

Say you so too.

Felix.

Yes truly Sir, I am of my Sisters mind.

Fea.

The writings Sir are firm, Pray think upon the Covenants.

Cap.

You shall have honest dealing of us, we will perform.

Clutch,

Why these were your men.

Fea.

Yes truly Gentlemen, we spoke, and pleaded for you.

Mo.

They are two Prodigals, his name is Featherbrain, his Pennyless.

Clutch,

Featherbrain, (passion of my heart) his name I do (al∣most) remember, have not I a morgage of yours Sir.

Fea.

Yes truly Father, and I hope you'l return it when I have married your Daughter.

Clutch,

Hell and vexation on you.

Clutch,

Oh do not curse, do not curse, we'l prove true blades, nere fear it.

Cal.

Oh for a couple of daughters more.

in his ear.

Cluch,

Hell take thee for a Iewel, how am I cheated set on by spend-thrifts, whose licentious games wast in a year, more then their Ancestors got in five ages.

Fea.

Come rail not on us, nor disturb your thoughts, what we have been we are not, poverty the Prodigals excrutiation, hath

been a Caveat to admonish us, how being blest agen (as now we are) we spend our time in such loose revellings.

Mo.

I would but cannot grieve, I know 'tis fit, Money like danger, ought, to be us'd by Wit. And my presaging soul, tells me that he. Will use his wealth as wise men industry.

Cred.

I cannot speak in Golden Numbers, like my Ningle Money, but I mean as well, let that pray have acceptance.

Clutch,

I never had (in my life) a fit so strange as this which in my bosome opperates me thinks that these attonements please me well, and all the world could not perswade my mind, to better choyces, than my Daughters make, accept them pray, with them my most of wealth.

Ambo.

We thank you Sir.

Clutch,

Come lets to Church, you Callumney I banish, you were my evil Jenius prompted me to deeds most vile.

Which now I do repent, and now let's in, And may the end crown what we now begin.