Money is an asse a comedy, as it hath been acted with good applause / written by Tho. Jordain ...

Act the Second, (Book 2)

Scene the First.

Enter one way Featherbrain, at the other Captain Pennyless.

Cap.

WHat an Ass is he that waits a hum, hum, leasure, fa la, hum, hum, hum, fa la hum, hum, hum, hum, hum, umph, hum, hum, hum, pleasure hum, hum, happis may be rob'd

Penniless Sings.

of hope, and treasure, hum, in∣constancy.

Fea.

A third man, a third man, a third man.

Cap.

VVhat untuned tones of mandrakes, drills my ears.

Fea.

I 'tis an untunable air, I must confess noble Captain Penny∣less, as I take it.

Cap.

No you are much mistaken, your ordinary friend Penny∣less the Noble, is brought to nine pence I assure you, prethy Frank (if thy infatiable gain by winnings have not converted thy free soul to avarice, lend thy friend Pennyless half a peece.

Fea.

Half a peece.

Cap.

I, I, half a peece, no more, when fortune betters my abi∣lity I will repay thee double.

Fea.

Two Crowns.

Capt.

I, I, two Crowns though they want weight Frank, 'tis no matter I know thou guessest my occasion ha thou knowest, they will go there.

Fea.

Thou would'st be prodigal agen.

Cap.

No I assure you Frank I will be very frugal go with me, and see else, i'l only bet small bets man, I have a conceit beyond thy apprehension I have been taught it since poverty seiz'd upon me.

Fea.

Ten shillings.

Cap.

VVhy, I, but ten shillings, it may do me ten pounds worth of good, for my luck comes in to day, have mark't it, i'l warrant thee a peece, within this two hours.

aside

The Rogue's so loath to part from money. Prethy Frank; let me entreat thee.

Fea.

I have not seen half a peece, two Crowns, or ten shillings these ten days.

Cap.

Pheu i'l nere believe that, lend me a Crown then, or half a Crown.

Fea.

Eighteen pence would not do much amiss.

Cap.

Since thou art so sparing lend me that.

Fea.

Faith I want sixpence on't.

Cap.

Pox lend me that twelve-pence, then.

Fea.

Art not thou a mad Rogue to abuse thy friend thus.

Cap.

How abuse thee.

Fea.

Why in offering to borrow money of me.

Cap.

Say you so, i'st now grown to an abuse, it has not been so Frank in my Golden Age, I have been your Exchequer, Oh what a saving age (ere long) will be when Prodigals, imbrace frugality, fare∣well

Offers to go away.

to you Sir, thus your abuser vanisheth.

Fea.

No, no, prethy do not vanish yet.

Why thou Son of incredulity, can thy Conscience beget so evil a thought, that (if I had but half a peece) (although dispos'd of) I would not lend it thee.

Cap.

You would not be abus'd so.

Fea.

Oh my life, and my disguized Gentility.

Canst thou imagine I would content my Corps with this unsavory stuff, that girds my loins,

Cap.

Why art thou monyless.

Fea.

As sure as thou art Captain Pennyless.

Cap.

Hath in, and in, confounded thee too.

Fea.

I, the curse of Orphants light on't.

Cap.

Forgive me I must confess I have. Abus'd thee then.

Fea.

And thou must make me amends, ere I part with thee, tell me has not despair, hung plummets on thy Soul, too heavy for a hope to keep't from sinking.

Cap.

I am almost discouraged.

Fea.

A Captain and discouraged— away— do not make me out of conceit with thee, I tell thee, I have wheels a going in this Noddle, beyond the power of Forrune, do thou be but one of my

Engines, I dare warrant thee peece upon peece, Boy.

Cap.

Oh those sweet words, peece upon peece begets more courage in me, then Sack or Medea,— command me I am thy in∣strument.

Fea.

Thy very words are musick to me, dost thou know whose house this is.

Cap.

Yes, old Clutches, a fellow for nothing so fit as to stand for a Statue, in Mammons counting house, and appears to me like a Devil, that did weekly counterfeit Man, meerly made for deceptius visus, marry ther's a pretty Virgin in this enchanted Castle would I were her Knight.

Fea.

Why who bid thee tell my tale, before me, thou more then Edipus, of wit that canst expound before the Proposition, yet since you have discharg'd my Theam, let me extemporize, there are in this Castle, two Virgins who now are solicited, by two commanding Gyants, o'th time Money and Credit, so powerful that unless we do prefer, Pollicy before strength of Limb, we are like to be vanquished.

Cap.

I very likely, for I am not of Ability to keep the Devil from dancing in my pocket.

Fea.

Nor I,

Cap.

No we shall be wise Politians I make no question, this is not the way (four ought I know) to get peece upon peece, yet thou tell'st me their strength, I know they are able, to put an hun∣dred of us to the sword.

Fea.

Thou wilt with one edge, is it not Policy, first to rumi∣nate upon the Enemies strength, before we can make preparation, for the conspiracy which now shall be demonstrated, look there I have compleatly counterfeited the hand of Credit in a Letter, to some of his Creditors, where we shall be sure of Cloaths, rich, neat, and all things correspondent.

Cap.

I do begin to relish thee now, this is next door to peece upon peece, forward my Mercury.

Fea.

Being thus habited I know where to procure some Cash.

Cap.

Now 'tis coming.

Fea.

And so well arm'd, we'l watch the time we may approach this Castle.

Cap.

But may we have admittance.

Fea.

Fear it not, from rich Imbrodery, unto the plainer Sat∣tin, all may be welcome, he does maintain his Family, with their Sutors, though his cheif end, is to match them to Money and Credit.

Cap.

There is a great Operation in this Plot, and may a Jew beat me out of my Gentility: if I do not applaud thee fort, shall we put it in practise, come, Oh I long to exchange my habit, me thinks I walk in state agen.

Fea.

But you shall be true to me you Rogue, and not in the midle of a Project leave me and return to your old confusion gaming.

Cap.

If I doe, may I dye Shirtless, and be buried in the high∣way twixt St. Iohns-street and Islington.

Fea.

I take you at your word, come goe with me.

Cap.

With as much Joy, as the wild beasts had when they followed the Thra∣cian

Sings.

Fidler, what an Asse is he that waites a Womans leisure.

Exeunt.

Enter Clutch. Money and Credit. Felixina and Feminia.

Clutch.

Will you be gon so soon Ladds.

Mo.

Sir. our occasions are so urgent, you must excuse us.

Clutch.

And whether do you wend I faith.

Cred.

But to the Exchange,

Clutch.

Oh you, expect good tydings Mr. Money.

Mo.

A little Barbery durt.

Clutch.

Hum, Barbery durt, I would I were up to'oth knees in't, oh how happy are the Fishes in Pagus Chanel, when will you return again.

Mo.

To morrow this time,

Clutch.

A year of Torments, Daughter, come hither Daugh∣ter, thou caust prevail with him, promise him any thing, though it be the thing (though it be) thou understandst me, the thing ye wot on, so he will stay this night with us, Ile have a Parson early in the morning, shall make all good.

Felix.

O hell bread, Avarise,— I will sir— Sir a word with you.

Mo.

Your pleasure Mrs.

Felix.

My Father earnestly desires your stay, but trust me, whilst you are here I can resolve on nothing, but your absence this short time will beget in me some resolution.

Mo.

I will obey you Lady.

Fem.

Sir you have forc'd an Oath from me would make a Vir∣gin tremble to relate, But to you my tongue should neer pro∣nounce it.

Cred.

Well we are one then and I would give you now, a nearer name then Mrs, a name given at the first sight.

Fem.

Please you sir, Call me Spouse.

Cred.

Tis a most fitting tearm; Spouse it shall be— and do you call me— head.

Fem.

Nothing but head Sir.

Cred.

No, nothing but head, till we are married.

Fem.

Then Ile exalt your name Sir.

Cred.

Gramercy Spouse,

Fem.

But sweet head, be not prolix in your designes, each hour will be to me a long olympiad.

Cred.

But hark you Spouse I do not love you should talk so like a Conjurer I cannot understand your prolix nor your Olympy∣ads.

Fem.

I shall studdy more easie phrases Sir.

Cred.

Prithee do, farewel sweet Spouse, come Ningle you are too tedious.

Clutch.

Youl stay Sir, will you not.

Mo.

Indeed I cannot.

Clutch.

One hugg sweet friend.

Huggs him.

Mo.

Farewel Sir— farewel Ladies'

Clutch.

Ile see you out of Doors Gentlemen.

Ambo:

We thank you Sir—

Exeunt

Manet the Daughters.

Fem,

How now Ningle ist a match is this the Ne plus ultra, of men, when do you Comit as they say, when must the dangerous words (I will) Be pronounced.

Felix.

Do you speak to me Sister.

Fem.

To you, who else, I do not use to talk to my self.

Felix.

Preethy be not angry, your words carry a sence con¦cerns me so little, I thought you had.

Fem.

Are you minded to marry, sweet Lady.

Felix.

Marry, yes.

Fem.

This Man.

Felix.

What Man.

Fem.

The Gold, and Silver man.

Felix.

I know not what thou meanest.

Fem.

Hey da, the wench is mad (why Mr. Money.

Felix.

Oh the Trash my Father brought— I had almost for∣gate him.

Fem.

That's very well I faith no sooner out of sight but out of mind, he is much beholden to you, I care not much if I run after him and tell him so.

Felix.

No prethe, my Father will be angry.

Fem.

Uds me do ye cry, this is not time to jest, why weep you Sister.

Felix.

Sure you deceive your self.

Fem.

Most sure I do not.

Felix.

Tis but a duty my Eyes ow to my Fathers name.

Fem.

Ye are a dutiful Child I protest, but is there not som∣thing else, belongs to't more then your meer duty, how long hath this been a custome with ye.

Felix.

Not long.

Fem.

Nay prethe tell me Fe. did you not withall, think of that young Gentleman, that brought the morgage, to my Father, whom you did praise so much, and look upon so often, when you did wish, would you had such a Brother.

Felix.

Beshrew your tongue, you'l try if I can weep.

Fem.

Was that the Master Vein, had you not rather have him, then Mr. Money, de you smile I can't blame you, come tell me, ye are grown close brested, now, there was a time when I knew all your secrets.

Felix.

That time is still Feminia, go in with me and ile reveal more, then thou shalt believe if thou hast love and duty in thy Soul, thou shalt be angry with me for my news and though (heaven knowes) I will speak nothing but truth, thou wilt call

me Forgeresse notorious Lyar, think me a Bastard born, and be∣got when lust and mischeif were incorporate, it is a truth so strange.

Fem.

'Tis very strange, indeed, come ile attend you.

Exeunt.

Enter Calumny.

Cal.

Cut's throat, poyson him, that will not do the Rogue hath rich Friends, I shall be sure to truss fort, and 'tis a question, whether she'l beg me from the Gallows, clip him, make him uncurrant thats worse, 'tis petty Treason, I shall have my Limbs devided, and hung up for Crowes meat, set his house a fire and melt him in the flame that's pritty well, but if I should be disco∣vered danger would approach, and few will speak a good word, for Callumny, was ever Lover so perplext as I, there is no way left but with toyes of love to solicite the Lady, I have been held a handsome good conditioned man, among the Iewes, marry the Gentiles hate me, yet I was the illigitimate of a Gentleman my Mother said.

Clutch.

Callumny, Callumny.

Calum.

Well— now Faustus calls his Mephostophilis.

Ile think on something, if it take effect, Let it be Quoted down, Calumnies Act.