All mistaken, or, The mad couple a comedy : acted by His Majestyes servants, at the Theatre Royal / written by the Honorable James Howard, Esq.

ACT V. (Book 5)

Enter all Ladies, Nurses, Pinguister, Lean∣man, as in the Vault, Philidor as a Cryer.

Phili.

O Yes, O yes, o yes, did any man hear Tale or Tidings of Three Nurses call'd Three Flanders Mares, with Three Sucking Colts?

All Nu.

Hark, we are Cry'd in the Streets.

Phi.

And also six Maiden Ladies, that shou'd Have been all Married to a certain Promising Gentleman.

All La.

Devil, we are Cry'd too.

Phi.

Also a very Lean Gentleman, that must Be Patter before he's Married?

Le. ma.

Hark, that's I.

Phi.

And the hugest Loss of all is one Mr. Pinguister, a lovely Fat Gentleman, Whom all that knew him, doubt him To be Dead upon some Privy house, Because he Purg'd every day for Love, By reason Mrs. Mirida will not Marry him, Till a certain Measure that he has Will come about his Wast.

Enter Mirida.

Ping.

Cryer, I am here, I am here.

Phi.

If any can bring News of the six aforesaid Virgin Ladies, or of the three Flanders Nurses, And Colts, to one Mr. Philidor, a very Consciencious young Man.

Omnes.

A Pox take him.

Phi.

They shall be extreamly paid For thier Pains. Again, if any can Bring Tidings of this Mr. Pinguister, To Mrs. Mirida, she will be very bountiful In her Reward, the poor soul weeps Most bitterly for him.

Ping.

Dos she so poor Wretch?—

cries aloud.

Prethee good Cryer go tell her I am not Dead, though I have been Buryed a Great while in the Vault. Mercy of my Bumgut, my Purge again?

Omnes.

You nasty Rogue, turn your Breech Out at the Grate then

goes to do so, Philidor Kickes him down, he Roares out.

Mir.

Philidor, I have broke a Vain With Laughing, to hear thy Rogueries, I'le call to Pinguister— Mr. Pinguister, My Love, my Dear, sure I hear Thy voice.

Ping.

Who's that? my dear Female?

Mir.

The same Fat Love.

Ping.

Oh Prethee raise me from the Dead.

Phi.

Well Ladies and Gentlewomen, how d'yee Like your Cryer now?

Omnes.

The Devil take thee, was it you?

Phi.

The very same.

2 La.

Well, wont you let us out, pray howsoever, Take away this Fat Gentleman from us; For he has such a coming Looseness, and Tis so dark here that he has Shit upon every one of us.

Omnes.

Well, but wont you let us out?

Phili.

Yes, if you Ladies will set your hands To this Paper, to quit me as to all Promises. I will; and also my reverend Nurses, You must set your hands to this discharge, To quit me from all arreares of Nursing; Else farewell t'yee?

Omnes.

Well, well, stay we will

Sets their hands.

Phili.

So now you may go take the Aire Again, there's the Key to let your selves out.

Omnes.

A Cheating Rogue.

Phili.

Come Mirida, let's run away, for if They catch us, Murther is the best we Can hope for.—

Exit with Mirida.

1 Nur.

They went this way, let's run after Them, some one way, and some tother. —

Ex. women.

Ping.

So you may, but if I run any way. Then hang me, I am gald of my Resurrection Howsoever. On my Conscience no green Carcase ever stunck as I did; to my best Remembrance I went to stoole some Threescore times in the Vault, Ergo I was beaten Threescore times, the Unmerciful Nurses with their hugh Palm'd hands, every time I went to't, Playd at hot Cockles all the while upon My Buttocks, well I hope I shall ne're

Be buried again whil'st I live, and so With that Prayer I'le go to Bed.

Enter Mirida.

Miri.

My dear Fat Love, little dost thou Think how many Tears I have shed For all thy Sufferings, that Rogue Philidor put a Trick upon us all.

Ping.

Well and has Physick, Heats, Buriall, Nor Resurrection, made me yet Leane Enough to be thy, Husband; why I have Lost asmuch Grease as wou'd Furnish A whole City with Candles for a Twelve Month. And all for the Love of thee sweet, Mirida.

Cries and Snobs.

Mir.

Dear Love come sit thee in my Lap And let me try if I can enclose thy world Of Fat and Love, within these Armes, See I cannot nigh encompass my Desires by a Mile.

Ping.

How is my Fat a Rivall to my Joyes?—

cries.

Sure I shall weep it all away.

Mir.

Lye still my Babe, lye still and sleep, It grieves me sore to see thee weep. Wert thou but Leaner I were glad, Thy Fatness makes thy dear Love sad. What a lump of Love have I in my armes.

Ping.

Nay if I had not taken all these Courses, To dissolve my self into thy imbraces, One wou'd think my looking on thee Were enough, for I never see thee but I am like a fat piece of Beefe, rosting At the Fire, continually drep, drop, drop. There's ne're a feature in thy Face, or Part about thee, but has cost me many A Pint of Fat, with thinking on thee; And yet not to be Lean enough for

Thy Husband; O Fate, O Fate, O Fate, O Fat.

she lets him fall.

Mir.

O Lord Sir I have let you fall, how Shall I do to get you up again?

Ping.

Nay that's more then all the World Can tell.

Mir.

I'le e'ne lye down by thee then.

Ping.

Nay but Prethee lye neer me, thou Had'st as good lye a League off, as that Distance.

Mir.

Were I thy Wife, fat Love I wou'd.

she sings.

My Lodging it is on the Cold Boards And wonderful hard is my fare, But that which Troubles me most is The Fatness of my Dear. Yet still I cry oh melt Love, And I prethee now melt apace, For thou art the man I shoud long for; If 'twere not for thy Grease.

Ping

he sings.

Then prethee dont harden thy heart still, And be deaf to my pittiful Moan; Since I do indure the smart still, And for my Fat do Groan; Then prethee now turn my dear Love, And I prethee now turn to me; For alas I am too Fat still, To Roul so far to thee:

Mir.

That were not Modesty in me to turn To you, but if you can Roul to me Within this hour, I'le Marry you in Spite of all your Fat.

Mir.

Agreed then I shall gain thee, yet You must lye still then.

Mir.

Yes, yes.

Ping.

Sure I am Sysiphus's stone, for as fast

As I turn over I think I turn

be Rouls to her, and she Rouls from him.

Back again, else I must needs Have been come to my Journies end By this time, for I am of such a Breadth, that every Roul I give, I pass over an Acre at least. Thou ly'st still my Love, dos't thou not?

Mir.

Yes, I long to have thee here,

Ping.

I doubt I shant be with thee though This two hours.

Mir.

Then my heart will break.

Ping.

I'me sure mine will before I get to thee. Oh Woman,—oh woman, oh woman. They talke of woman in Travail, I'me Sure I know a man in Travail at This time, in more Pain behalf.

Mir.

Why my most Extream Fat Asse, dost

she rises and Laughs at him.

Thou not find that I have fool'd thee All this while?

Ping.

Why, hast thou?

Mir.

Yes indeed have I.

Ping.

Oh thou woman; may'st thou grow Fat; that thy Breasts and Belly may Meet together, so that all the fat Hostesses in Christendom may appear But Eels to thee.

Mir.

Farewell my lowly Love.

Ping.

Why wilt thou not help me up before You go.

Mir.

What to do, to run heats again for Love?

Ping.

No, to fight with thee.

Mir.

Fight with me? by this Light wou'd we Had two Swords, I'de have one pass At all thy Tripes.

Enter Cutler with two Swords.

Faith and yonders a fellow has two Swords. Friend lend me but thy Swords one Minute.

Cut.

I am going to carry them to two Gentlemen.

Mir.

Oh this will not hinder thee, thou shalt See rare sport, go help that Gentleman Up that lies yonder, and give that Sword Into his hand. Come are you ready Sir.

Ping.

Why, you dear fight then it seemes Though thou art so ungodly a Chit as To say no prayers before thou begin'st, I will, I assure thee. Good, — I pray and desire yee, if I Do miscarry in this Duell, that I may Meet with no woman in the tother VVorld. Now thou worst of Females, Have at thee.

Mir.

Come I'le let out all your Fat and Love at One Thrust.—

Fight and she disarmes him.

Now ask thy Life and confess thou art an Asse.

Ping.

I am an Asse, and ask my life.

Mir.

Then I thy conquering Caesar, take my leave, With this conclusion, veny, vidi, vici. And so farewell Oh Fate, Oh Love, O Fat.—

Exit.

Ping.

After all my Miseries wou'd I were Up again, else the next man that comes Will make a Rouler of me, for to Roul Bowling greenes.—

makes severall Attempts to rise and at last gets up.

So, now have I a Mile home at least, And every toilesome step I take, I will Curse women.—

Exit.

Enter Zoranzo and Amphelia lyeing upon Straw together.

Zo.

Most blest of women, I must tell you truth. And yet I fear that truth will,—

Amph.

Will what; I doubt he loves me.

aside.

Speak it Sir, nothing from you can Be unwelcome;

Zo.

O yes it will.

Amph.

I'le warrant you, out with it Sir.

Zo.

Then know I, —twill come no further.

Amph.

Unhappy man 'tis so, he Loves me.—

aside.

O Sir, I have sadder truth to tell to you, Then yours can be to me, I dare not Speak it.

Zo.

My fears are true, she Loves me?—

aside.

Pray tell me what it is,

Amph.

Tell yours first Sir.

Zo.

Alas you saw I tried, but cou'd not Get it past my Lipps.

Amph.

If I shou'd try, mine wou'd not come so far.

Zo.

Wou'd I knew yours, I cou'd tell it For you;

Amph.

So cou'd I yours, yet I cant my own.

Zo.

Alas she loves me.—

aside.

Amph.

Poor Zoranzo, I see he loves me.

aside.

But Sir consider we are going to dye, Let us dye undeceiv'd in one another.

Zo.

Oh that some —that knows each of Our hearts, wou'd harken to our griefes, And bid an Angel come and speake For both.

Enter Iaylor.

Iay.

Come have you done your discourse, Yee must go to Excecution.

Zo.

A little patience Jaylor, see we are Cal'd unto our deaths, pray tell me What you mean.

Amph.

I cannot, first do you begin.

Zo.

Nor I.

Amph.

Let us tell both together then, that one May not blame the tother

Zo.

Agreed, are you ready now to speak,

Amph.

Yes, oh no I am not▪ —well now I am, — Are you.

Zo.

Yes I am, begin, oh stay I cannot yet.

Iay.

Come, Come, I can give you no Longer time.

Amph.

Nay then we must tell.

Zo.

Poor Amphelia, tis Amarissa, that I Love.

Amph.

O Zoranzo I love the Duke.

Zo.

Then I am joyed, I was afraid twas Me you Lov'd.

Amph.

And so was I that you Lov'd me. Now we shall dye both happy, Never was two such friends as you and I.

Iay.

Come, Come.

Amph.

Good Jaylor we go most willingly now,

Ex••••nt.

Enter as on a Scaffold, Duke, Amarissa, Ortellus, Zoranzo, Amphelia, and Iaylor Excecutioner.

Amar.

Jaylor why did'st thou let them stay so long?

Iay.

They had so much to say to one another, That still they begg'd one Minute and Then another.

Amar.

D'yee hear Sir, pray let the Jaylor Be turn'd out of his place, for leting Them speak to one another.

Amph.

See Zoranzo where they sit in tryumph, O're our deaths.—

aside▪

Amar.

S'life Sir they are whispering, d'yee See yonder, Excecutioner why don't You strike off their heads, and let Them whisper then.— Sir you are Melancholly;

Duke.

I am indeed.

Zo.

Now Amphelia, to Heaven and you, I truely Vow, my Love is still the Same, to cruel Amarissa.

Amph.

Heaven and you witnesses the same For me, my heart is still that Undeserving Dukes.

Excecu.

Come which of you will dye first.

Zo.

Hast thou not skill enough to strike Our heads off together.

Amar.

Excecutioner let them not have that Satisfaction, pray Sir let that Woman dye first; that damn'd Zoranzo, May have two deaths; it will be one To him, to see her dye, shall it be so Sir?

Duke.

What you please.

Amar.

Excecutioner, the Duke sayes she Must dye first.

Excecu.

Come Lady, you must lay down your Head first, the Duke sayes.

Amph.

That word's the sharpest Ax, that I Shall feel.

Exce.

Have you said all?

both kneels as at Prayers.

Amph.

To Earth I have, but not to Heaven, Farewell dear friend for one short Minute,

Zo.

My soul shall hasten after yours.

Ama.

S'life Jaylor, will you let them speake To one another again.

Amph.

Excecutioner, now I am ready.

Duke.

Hold, the Prisoner shall dye first.

Zo.

With all my heart, I am ready.

Duke.

Nay it is not you I mean Sir, rise 'Tis I that am the Prisoner, I will Make you a present, take your Life, Your Love, nay and my Dukedom too, And to oblidge you most of all. Excecutioner strike off my head, for I Am weary of it.

Amph.

Not for ten thousand worlds Sir, What e're you mean.

Duke.

Know then I have lov'd you all this While, but seeing your hate so Great to me, I have dissembled Scorne to you.—

she Swoones.

Why dost thou Swoon Amphelia?

Amph.

Did not I hear some voice just now, That said the Duke dos love me still,

Duke.

Thou did'st, 'twas he himself that Said so.

Amph.

If 'twere from Heaven, good Heaven Say it again.

Duke.

Twas I my self, I tell thee,—and I will never Speake another word, if that dos please thee.

Amp.

Oh I am in Heaven then it seemes, and 'tis

Some god that's telling me how the Duke Lov'd me still.

Duke.

Dear Amphelia, 'tis I that Loves thee, Tells thee so.

Amp.

Hark, now there's a god that saies he loves Me too, blest god, I'me sorry if you do, Since I have heard the Duke dos Love me still, He must be your rivall, indeed I cannot Help it, Oh let me fly down to the Earth Again, only to hear him say he loves me, I cannot promise when I shall return, That very word from him wou'd keep me there.

Duke.

I must answer her no more, they say 'Twill keep 'um longer in a Trance

he Rubs her.

Ortell.

I am but in a scurvy condition now, if She comes to life again, for they will Examine one another how the mistake Came between them, and then I am Sure it must come to light.

Amph.

Who's that Duke, Archemedes.—

Duke.

The same sweet Angel?

Amph.

Oh Sir, I am come from Heaven to see you, Since there I heard you love me still.

Duke.

Dear Amphelia, thou hast dream'd all This while, Heaven 'tis true, is where Thou art, but 'twas my voice that Said I Love thee.

Amph.

Was not my head struck off just now?

Duke.

Canst thou ask that while I have A head and heart?

Amph.

Why have you lov'd me still?

Duke.

With as much truth as ever lover did;

Amph.

So have I you with equal constancy.

Amar.

Well Sir, now you are satisfied, pray Let me be so too, and let Zoranzo's Head be struck off quickly. I see he's mean as well as false, to Quit me for a woman that dos not

Love him.

Amph.

Hold Amarissa, hear me speak, before Zoranzo dies,—and be assur'd he Loves you still.

Amar.

VVou'd you deceive me too?

Amph.

Indeed I dont, when we were Going to dye, you may remember that VVe whisper'd, then we call'd Heaven And our selves to witness, That both our Loves were true, Mine to Archimedes, his to you.

Amar.

Can you forgive me Sir.—

Kneels.

Zo.

I cannot answer yet, Thy civility has took away my speech.

Duke.

Dear Amphelia, how came this sad Mistake 'twixt you and I.

Amph.

I'le tell you Sir in part, when you were In this last War, my woman receiv'd A Letter from one of the Gentlemen of your Chamber, wherein he did assure Her, that you had a new Mistriss in That Country, and therefore bid her tell Me of it, that I might by degrees, Wean my affection from so false a man As you.

Duke.

Here has been some foule play, for This very man you spoke of, receiv'd A Letter from your woman, wherein she Bid him assure me, that you were Prov'd false in my absence, and Lov'd my Cozen Ortellus.

Guard.

Go fetch them both hither Immediately, they shall dye without Mercy.

Ortell.

Nay then I had as good discover, 'Twill fall the heavier on me else. Sir let the Guard stay, And I will tell you all.

'Tis I, have sow'd the seeds of this mistake, I long have lov'd Amphelia, for which cause I tried this way to draw her heart from you. I knew this Gentleman of your Bed-chamber Was in Love with Amphelia's woman, Therefore I brib'd her to write to him, To assure the Duke that Amphelia lov'd me, And that she shou'd also charge him, to Write another Letter to her, wherein he Shou'd complain of the Dukes falling in Love with another woman in that Country, I knew your spirits both to be So great, that neither of you wou'd Stoop to one another, when you were Both possest of eithers falseness, and So it prov'd, for when the Duke heard You Lov'd me, he brought a fair New Mistriss over with him, to let you See hee did contemn you, and so Amphelia Sir, when she heard you Lov'd another, assured me then that she Lov'd me, which now I see was only To make you think how much she Scorn'd you; though still her heart Was true, and so was yours, now Sir I humbly beg your Pardon.

Duke.

'Twill be in vain my Lord, I cannot Grant it; Oh Amphelia, how many Hours of joy, we two have lost.

Amph.

Base Lord.

Enter Artabella.

Artab.

O Sir, I heard that people were to dye To day, let me be one I pray.

Amph.

Not for the World sweet inno••••••••

Arta.

Oh Madam you are she the Duke Loves, pray spare your Pitty, Sir can You have the heart to let me live, And see you Married to another?

Amph.

Have patience sweet young Maid, I will not Marry him, you wo'not blame Me if I love him though.

Arta.

No, for then I shou'd condemn my Fault in you.

Duke.

But sure Amphelia, you did but jest, In telling her you wou'd not Marry me;

Amph.

Indeed Sir I am in earnest; Consider 'Tis but justice, she loves you as well As I, her heart was quiet till you Troubl'd it.

Duke.

All this is true, but how will your Love shew, if you refuse to marry me?

Amph.

Not less at all, but make my Pitty more.

Duke.

If I wou'd marry her, I cant beleive That she wou'd be thus kind to you.

Amph.

Yes, I dare say she wou'd; ask her and try.

Duke.

Well Artabella, will you Marry me?

Arta.

You never hated me till now, can you Beleive I'de wrong so blest a Woman as Amphelia.

Amph.

See Sir, wou'd it be justice now in me, She will not wound my heart, shou'd I kill hers.

Duke.

But consider 'tis you I Love, not her,

Amph.

That's her misfortune Sir, yet she Deserves asmuch as I: I can but love

You, so do's she▪

Duke.

Dear Amphelia marry me?

Amph.

I cannot out of pitty Sir;

Duke.

Talke not of pitty, if thou wilt shew Me none.

Amp.

My pitty, is her due: my love is yours.

Duke.

O Amphelia, this was a cruell way to Make me happy. Thou'dst better still Have kept my joyes unknown; Then let the knowing of it be my death. Once more my dear Amphelia marry me:

Amph.

Do not Petition, her you may command In any thing but this.

Duke.

Monster of Villaines, thou hast caus'd All this; Excecutioner, immediately strike Off his head.

Ortell.

I'me sure you will not let me dye;

Duke.

Impudent Villain, dispatch him straight?

Ortell.

Hold Sir, 'tis only I can make you three Happy, which if you do not confess, When you have heard me speake, Then let me dye.

Duke.

Well let's hear it.

Ortell.

Promise me my life first, if I do.

Duke.

Well you shall have it.

Ortell.

Then know the Lady Artabella is Your Sister.

Duke.

Ha.

Ortell.

I say your Sister, you do remember That you had one once?

Duke.

Yes I do, but she was lost at three Years old.

Ortell.

'Tis true 'twas thought so; but thus It is, when 'twas reported you were Slain in the Battail; I straight convey'd away this Lady Then a Child, because she shou'd not Stand 'twixt me and the Dukedome, I being

Then acquainted with the Mother to Arbatus, I brought this Lady, and gave Her a summ of Money, to adopt her for Her Childe, with willingness my offer She imbrac',d the more, because her Son Arbatus had then been lost About seaven years; thought to have Been cast a way at Sea; though afterwards Return'd home, I had enjoyn'd her Secresy which she kept, therefore She told Arbatus 'twas his Sister.

Enter Arbatus.

Duke.

And is she then my Sister. Oh, Arbatus, welcome, welcome; I have a crowd of Joyes, about my heart To tell thee.

Arba.

What! that you have broke my Sisters heart.

Duke.

Thou hast no Sister; 'Tis I possess that Blessing, Artabella, is my Sister, how Blest a sound is sister to my Eares, I'le give command, no other word but Sister shall be spoke throughout My Dukedome; I'le have it taught to Infants; so that when nature lends Their sucking tongues a meanes to Speak one word, they all shall Babble Sister, instead of Nurse, I'le Have the name ingrav'd in Gold on Every Post and Pillar in the Streetes, And passers by, shall worship it.

Arba.

I am amaz'd.

Enter Philidor and Mirida.

Duke.

Welcome Philidor.

Phili.

I am glad to see joy in your lookes Again Sir, the time is long since I have seen you smile.

Duke.

Philidor, all that is Joy, I have within This Breast, it o're flowes and runs Into my Eyes; This is my Sister, oh What a word is Sister. And this my Dear and true, Amphelia. Come Mirida shall be thine, to day too.

Mir.

Hold Sir, I forbid that banes?

Phi.

Troth so do I too; you alwaies Take the words out of my mouth. You and I Marry kether.

Mir.

No faith, wee'l be hang'd first, I'de Rather hear along Sermon, then Hear a Person ask me, Mirida, Will you have this man for your Wedded Husband, to have and to hold. From this day forward and so forth.

Phi.

Right, for better, for worse, in Sickness, or in Health.

Mir.

I and perhaps after we have been Married half a year with ones Husband, falls into a deep Consumption, And will not do one the favour to Dye neither, then we must be Ever feeding him with Caudle. Oh from a husband in a Consumption, Deliver me.

Phi.

And think how weary I shou'd be Of thee, Mirida, when once we were Chain'd together, the very name of Wife, wou'd be a vomit to me, then

Nothing, but where's my wife, call My wife to Dinner, call my wife to Suppe•• And then at night, come wife will you Go to Bed.

Mir.

I and that wou'd be so troublesome To be call'd by ones husband every night To go to Bed, Oh that dull, dull Name of Husband.

Duke.

Indeed you two are well met, The World has not two more such, I am confident.

Mir.

The more the pitty Sir.

Phili.

No Sir, if you please, never propose Marrying to us, till both of us have Committed such faults as are death By the Law, then instead of Hanging us, Marry us.

Miri.

And then you shall hear how Earnestly we shall Petition your Highness to be hang'd rather then Marryed.

Duke.

No man can judge which is the Wildest of these two. Now brave Arbatus, in all my Dukedome, There is but one gift worthy thy Receiving, and that's my Sister, Here Sir take her as freely as Heaven Gave her me.

Arba.

D'yee forgive me Sir,

Duke.

Or not my self Arbatus. This day, Hymen shall light his Torch for all.

Phi.

With your Pardon Sir, not for me And my Female.

Mir.

No faith, I'le blow it out if he dos.

Arta.

Sir, thought in my own desires, Shou'd have chose the man that You have given me, yet I beg

We may not Marry yet, we have Call'd Brother and Sister so long, That yet needs must think we Are so still.

Arba.

Pray Madam, let's think so as Little a while as we can, that fancy May not keep my joy in Prison.

Duke.

Let's to the Temple now, and there thank Heaven for these unexpected Joyes. Each day the gods shall lend me in this life; I'le thank them for a Sister, and a Wife.

Exeunt.