The man of Newmarket as it was acted at the Theatre Royal / author, the Honourable Edward Howard Esq.

ACT the Second. (Book 2)

Enter Sir Ralph Nonsuch, Pricknote, and two Sectaries.

Nonsuch.

THere's no being accounted wise, (with some) unless factious, I dare affirm it.

Prickn.

You are zealously in the right, Sir.

Nonsuch.

Whence I conceive, that to dissent on purpose to be dissatisfi'd, or the spinning of trifles dextrously into as many no∣things, may shame the subtlety of Ariadne's thread.

Prickn.

Your Worship is most Orthodoxical.

1 Sect.

Or, as we hold, factiously pious.

Nonsuch.

Or, which is much one, tending to the vexation of Heaven and Earth, out of private respects.

1 Sect.

The very nick of piety with us.

Prickn.

And had not Providence kept a close Purse, our party had often begger'd this Nation since Forty one, merely in praying for their own best advantage.

Nonsuch.

You likewise pass by some frailties, as supposing the Smock be in more repute than the Surplice; thou understand'st me, Pricknote?

Prickn.

To a hair, Sir.

2 Sect.

Or a certain kinde of Comprehension, in spight of Su∣periors.

Nonsuch.

Enter me immediately a Patron, Pricknote.

Prickn.

Most devoutly, I assure you—

[Writes in his Book.

Nonsuch.

There be great ones in the world that may take no∣tice of somebody, or men may seem displeas'd, or factious until they do, I take it.

1 Sect.

Or we'll otherwise lend, borrow, trade, give peevishly on purpose.

Nonsuch.

Thou maist enter it with thy Notes of Providence, Pricknote.

Prickn.

Nay more, Sir, I'll tediously pray for't the next cold night by my farthing Candle.

Nonsuch.

'Tis judged I had no small intrigue in burning the Pope's Image on last November.

2 Sect.

An extraordinary Dispensation, doubtless.

Nonsuch.

I must rejoyce it, considering it is rumor'd, I know not how, as if that Bishop intended to give nine moneths Asses∣ment to oblige the Commons of England, who have so long rail'd at him they know not why.

1 Sect.

A Sophistrie that might ruine Geneva it self.

2 Sect.

'Tis meet we conceal it.

Prick.

Or else preserve it, with other Annotations, on purpose to belie the Catholicks when we please.

Enter Luce.

Nonsuch.

Should that Prelate affect it, 'tis thought there's no man in Christendom that wears a wiser Night-cap.

Nay, Luce, you are a little too open at this time.

Luce.

Did not you say, Sir Knight, I should learn from your po∣litick Converse?

Nonsuch.

But there are seasons more wise and vain together, Luce. I would not have a scandal in the way of my concerns, Luce.

Luce.

With what form am I design'd to be a Wench?

[Aside.

Prickn.

Even pretty Mrs. Luce; I pray permit her, there's not a soft-lipt Phanatick amongst us but would most devoutly admire her.

Luce.

How pious a thing is kissing, even with these!—

[Enter Servant.

I obey, Sir; but if I do not make your. Cods-head ake for this, there's no wit in Woman.

[Exit Luce.

Serv.

Mr. Plodwel the Lawyer, Sir—

[Exit Servant.

Nonsuch.

To advise with me in point of Law, I take it: there's no living in this world if not thought wise always.

Prickn.

You'll remember my Exhibition, Sir?

Nonsuch.

Thy quarters Wages before-hand, for entring my Name; bid my Steward pay it.

Prickn.

I thank you, Sir; the smiles of Consent that you have bestow'd amongst us—

[Exit Pricknote, and Sectaries.

Enter Plodwell, and Quickthrift.

Quickth.

I have such a complaint against your Cosen-Student here—

Nonsuch.

What is't, Lady?

Quickth.

Why, I am very inclinable to believe that he pre∣sumes to make his Address, after he has been such a sinner as to lose first his Virginity.

Nonsuch.

A Querie not usually insisted on, Madam; besides, it is something, I know not how, incident to the Genius of the English, to be variable, extravagant, and wise interchangeably; a notion of no inconsiderable policie in some.

Quickth.

With pardon, Sir, of your grave conception, I judge it is with men as it is with Plants: take one that blossoms too soon, 'twill starve a Sloe, or Hedg-peake.

Plod.

No ebbe in her humour?

[Aside.

Quickth.

To marry a Student, and not be sure of my Chamber∣maids when I go from home—

Nonsuch.

There are domestick cases, I confess: Nay, I have heard that Littleton himself held Love by no certain tenure.

Quickth.

Besides, I have not heard him say his Prayers.

Plod.

Shall I try, Lady?

Nonsuch.

'Twere too much to require of my Kinsman, Madam;

And Pater Nosters so much out of fashion too.

Quickth.

Or I'll hear him read a long Chapter to me to morrow morning: which done, he shall speak French to me some hours afterwards.

I have heard that you Lawyers poison that Tongue most abomi∣nably.

Plod.

A Satyrist too—

But I'll preserve my Temper.

[Aside.

Quickth.

Should a Woman espouse Love, and not well under∣stand such a Fee-tail as this?

Nonsuch.

I once knew a man, that undertook to discern prece∣dent copulation by feeling of the tip of the left Ear; perhaps I might arbitrate the Question that way.

Heark you, Mr. Plodwel.

[Aside.

Plod.

So you'll not feel me by the Ear—

Enter Clevly, Jocalin, and Passal.

Nonsuch.

Is there no pecuniary mulct by Law, on any of your profession, that shall be couchant with Womenkinde before they are called to the Bar?

Plod.

Not as I ever heard of.

[Aside.

Nonsuch.

Then whisper her in the Ear, and tell her, it is my sense that all is well—Madam Clevly, with others.

Perhaps some amorous emergencie to be determin'd by me—

I'll attend their leisure.

[Plod. whispers Quickth.

Clev.

Where left you Maldrin, Sir?

Pass.

I suppose withdrawn upon some concerns.—

Clev.

Or melancholy perhaps, I guess the cause.

Pass.

Indeed, Lady.

Clev.

His presence was ill omitted.

Pass.

I understand you not, Madam.

Clev.

You may perhaps, or there are Almanack-makers to en∣quire of.—

How is't, Jocalin? thou art chearful still.

Jocal.

So far, that no Dido of our Sex shall teach me to whine for any Catastrophe that Cupid can bestow.

Clev.

But we forget Madam Quickthrift, with her Servant.

Quickth.

A studious Beetle-brow'd-hing, Ladies, that cannot conster my Amour in order to Money, Manners, and Wit.

Clev.

I am sorry for his sake.

Plod.

You shall not, Lady.

Jocal.

Fie on these Riddles of Loves making: Give me a pas∣sion as gay as Gossamors, that when I am indispos'd, my Love may raise my Comedy, and take me that way too.

Nonsuch.

Ladies, you are welcome—If you have any thing of Love to decide, command Sir Ralph Nonsuch.

Quickth.

A mere question betwixt this Gentleman and my self; but ended already, I know not how.

Pass.

I must not think so.

Nonsuch.

Ladies, you may command my house:

Of all vanities, I most dispense with the softest.

Clev.

And have your Amour, I guess too, preserving the re∣spects of your State-faction.

Jocal.

Or a politick capacity bestow'd on Venus: is't not so, Sir Ralph?

Nonsuch.

I confess, Lady, that there may be (formally taken) a juggling of Interest and Pleasure together in some, whereby they may seem a deceptio visus to the Publick; a very ordinary State∣intrigue, I take it.

Pass.

No more of your kissing policie, Knight, or annex it to your discussions somewhere.

Jocal.

Me thinks we are not brisk enough, or some body's wanting.—What say you, Quickthrift?

Quickth.

So merry, Madam, that for your recreation you shall see my Lawyer manage his great Horse.

Jocal.

That were pleasant.

Clev.

By no means, Lady; 'twill shame some of the Judges, who can scarce walk their Steeds handsomely to Westminster.

Enter Breakbond and Whiffler.

Jocal.

Not he come yet? it allays my mirth a little.

Breakb.

These Ladies are too fine, notwithstanding thy Com∣plexion, Whiffler.

Whiff.

'Twere a disparagement to my Physiognomy to think so.

Breakb.

For five pound more, I'll commend thy face to a hand∣some Wench, and that's enough for thee.

Whiff.

'Tis impossible, Sir.

Breakb.

I'll make her so, to any man that loves kindely: and now

stand at some distance, Whiffler, and covertly too, till I have done.

Whiff.

If I must not shew my face, I must not, and that's some unkindness.

Breakb.

Ladies, I am yours; Knight and Lawyer, I salute you: But Knight, take a care of too particular and clandestine frailtie, 'tis enough to ruine a Republick of Females.

Nonsuch.

Are you my Instructer, Sir?

Breakb.

Yes, or any man's that understands not how to admire woman handsomely, or in that abundance that nature delights. Shall a Pagan worship a whole Firmament of Stars at once, and a man generously principled not far more devote himself to every lustre in Womankinde?

Nonsuch.

A Libertine indeed—You want no money, Sir?

Breakb.

Yes, to spend, or give it.

Jocal.

To some of our Sex, I suppose.

Breakb.

I confess, Madam, they have the first of my commise∣rations in all kindes: If I finde a man uses his Wife scurvily, or beats her, I beat him as well as I can for't: If a Wench be used too coursly by her Friend, I give him a cut with my Sword for her sake. There's more conscience in enjoying Woman always, than in payment of Debts, or let me not be called Breakbond.

Clev.

I did not expect so handsome a Raillerie.

Jocal.

An obligation to all our Sex at once.

Pass.

There's none that writes She, but may in part command him.

Quickth.

But has little to say for old Women, I conceive?

Breakb.

But I have, Lady; if they do but Mump upon me kindly, I could finde in my heart to Kiss 'em heartily:

At least, I wish most devoutly that Nature could afford some re∣storative to render such young and gay ten times over.

Clev.

Why this is generous indeed!

Pass.

I knew he'd make it out.

Breakb.

Passal, I am thy friend—And once more, Knight, take a care of too formal or single vanity; every Gentleman that can drink handsomely may instruct thee better.

Nonsuch.

An irruption I expected not.

Whiff.

You'll remember your promise, Sir?

[Luce peeps out.

Pass.

I do, and mark these Doors.

Whiff.

Shall I not shew my rosie Cheeks to the Ladies first?

Pass.

By no means, thou see'st 'em busie.

Whiff.

Have I discern'd her?

[Luce peeps again.

Thou pretty rogue of Venery.

[Goes to the Door.

Nonsuch.

So open again, Luce?

[At the Door.

Luce.

I am gone, Sir.

Whiff.

Hast found my Cheek again, thou pretty Bo-peep thou?

[Luce appears at another Door.

Luce.

Dispatch, I beseech you.

Whiff.

Heark thee: about half an hour hence—

[In her ear.

Luce.

Enough, I'll not fail you.

Nonsuch.

I finde I am now secur'd.

[Aside.

Whiff.

I have succeeded most propitiously, Sir.

[To Passal.

Pass.

Away then.

Quickth.

No matter, Sir Ralph, though his mirth be bold, 'tis passable.

Breakb.

There shall nothing live that has so much of Woman as can make out Hermophrodite, that I could not oblige chearfully: And heark you, Lawyer, thy looks speak thee civil.

Plod.

I should hate my face else.

Breakb.

Let me oblige thee to take no Fee of Woman-client that is handsome, or amorous, for my sake: If thou do'st, may Rats consume thy Writings.

Plod.

You are a kinde Sir.

Breakb.

If at any time thou suest me, do what thou canst I'll never pay thee.

Plod.

Threaten the Law?

Breakb.

When my Grandmother dies, I'll make thee my Trustee to pay my Obligations to Women: For Men, I have us'd 'em to good words, and they expect no more; wherefore, love Females in the first place, follow thy Vocation in the next; and when∣thou com'st to be a Judge, remember thou wert frankly advised by Tom Breakbond.

Plod.

You have, Sir.

Breakb.

And one thing more—Thou shalt joyn in a Petition with me, That all Women not superannuated, and such as have not more Money than Kindness, may be discharged of their debts; that they may be troubled with no other Obligation than their love to men.

Pass.

And may I not adde in thy behalf, That such of that Sex

as are indispensably old, yet, in their precedent time, have been celebrated by humane affection, should likewise have their release, according to this invention of thine.

Breakb.

I embrace it heartily: the youthful part of my memo∣ry might otherwise have ingratefully forgot it.

Plod.

And what shall such do that are able to pay, and will not?

Breakb.

Provided they love much, let 'em disburse little; or onely now and then to a Tire-woman, or Chamber-maid, things assistant to their Business, Complexion, and Feature.

Plod.

Suppose one woman be indebted to another, what would you then determine?

Pass.

Well urg'd I'faith, Student, thou't go near to pose him there.

Breakb.

Let me see—I have it, and handsomely too: Why, in that case, let her that is fairest and most beloved of men, in com∣miseration forgive t'other.

Clev.

An arbitrament of Love, you'll end it Knight?

Pass.

'Tis what he desires.

Nonsuch.

Why, look you, Ladies and Gentlemen, there may be a vanity in all Comprehensions; as he that eats one poach'd egg, may possibly long for more; there are several incitements, I take it; you'll excuse me a space—

[Exit Nonsuch.

Pass.

A Nonsuch indeed!

What are these?

[Enter two or three Jockies.

1 Jock.

Men that are so unhappy, as to have almost lost our selves.

2 Jock.

Or what is worse, our best Companions and Patroons: if ever you had compassion of men expert in the use of Whip and Spur, assist our condition.

Pass.

You want no charity, do you?

1 Jock.

Not so much as the abundance of Love which we ap∣prehend here: There were more of us in number, besides two of the best gentile Jockies that ever England bred. They must be ensnared with the pleasures of the Tavern, Gaming-houses, or worse places: There's nothing but Ginns and Gilts here, or a sort of Town-sluts that will out-lie Horsecoursers.

Pass.

And Jockies together, it may be: That Providence should dispense so useful a creature as a Horse, and yet permit man

to tell so many abominable falshoods in respect of its use! What saist thou, Breakbond?

Breakb.

They wrong not Women, I hope?

Pass.

No, by my troth, they have done a many too much right.

Breakb.

O! I remember 'em, Servants to our friends and good fellows:

I dare pass my word for 'em, they will cozen any other way, ra∣ther than ride booty.

Pass.

That's no usual commendation in their profession.

1 Jock.

For which, I'll not presume to displease your Wor∣ship so far, as to put you in minde of ten shillings yet unpaid me ever since the last Race at Bansted.

Breakb.

Thou maist freely: I suppose I gave thee good words for thy own, did I not?

1 Jock.

As any Gentleman living, that pays money no other way.

2 Jock.

Nay, thou't forget our designe.

1 Jock.

I warrant thee—Might I beg a short favour at your hands, Mr. Breakbond?

Breakb.

Speak it.

1 Jock.

We conceive you have some interest with Ladies in this Town.

Breakb.

And ever shall, I hope: but what's thy desire?

1 Jock.

To request you, Sir, that by any means you would hin∣der our Chiefs, Mr. Swiftspur and Mr. Trainsted from Coping with any such delights; if they do, they'll set down their Run∣ners, and turn us off immediately.

2 Jock.

Here's a Lady or two in our eye, I think may deserve our apprehension.

Breakb.

Now I perceive you are Knaves indeed in blue Caps: I disswade Love?—

1 Jock.

Good Sir, have patience: Or were it not all one if any of 'em had a fair Match for their Maidenheads at Newmarket?

There would be no sport hindred that way.

Breakb.

The very conceit has reconcil'd me, Lads; I onely want some Crowns to express it: perhaps the Stars above may de∣cree something.

1 Jock.

In the mean time could we see these Commanders of ours?

Breakb.

I expect 'em each minute, let that comfort you—Your excuse, Ladies, and the rest.

Jocal.

More of the men of Newmarket, or you'd attend your Masters here.

1 Jock.

With leave, Lady.

Breakb.

As sure as Heaven smiles on your faces, this day must end with mirth that will please every where.

Jocal.

I hope we shall finde room for't.

Enter Maldrin.

Clev.

Maldrin, we wanted thee here: Sir Ralph Nonsuch has made such amorous decisions, that Jocalin, Quickthrift, and my self, have smiled most abominably at it:

I am sorry thou didst not share mirth with us.

Mald.

You have obliged mine already, Madam—How far'st, Breakbond?

Breakb.

As well as Woman can make me.

Mald.

Thou art happy then.

Breakb.

And will be, that way, in spite of Destiny.

[Exit Breakb.

Clev.

But your friend Passal and I wanted you here.

Pass.

Excuse me, Lady.

Clev.

I cannot, Maldrin and you joyn hands.

Mald.

'Tis strange, but 'tis her will, Passal.

Pass.

I obey it.

Clev.

How like you one anothers Faces now?

Pass.

Hast ne're a Baby in thy eye extraordinary, Maldrin? or do'st see one in mine?

Mald.

I know not.

Clev.

No matter, I'll not trouble Sir Ralph Nonsuch to determine this affair, another time may do it.

Enter Swiftspur, Trainsted, and Bowser.

Mald.

She has amaz'd us both.

Jocal.

Now they are come; a little of your patience, Lady.

Swiftsp.

Thou art such another man of expedition, that there is no kinde reason that accompanies thy diligence, notwithstand∣ing our engagements to the Ladies here: Bowser could almost chide thee with me.

Bows.

Rather let me commend thee, Trainsted; thou lovest

Sports with thy whole soul, may Heaven delight thee for't: what are such She-objects, to a man that can with more gayness behold his brown Mares Buttocks, than the finest of their Conceal∣ments?

Trainst.

Thou saist right, Bowser; besides, having been almost dazzl'd with such a taking temptation, there's no reason to hazzard it again.

See who waits our remove.

1 Jock.

With such a desire to be jogging, that if we stay here this night, it shall be with so much spight to our ease, that we'll sleep in our Boots.

2 Jock.

And what is worse, the best spirit of Liquor in Town has no power on our mirth; I know not whether or no we may be too melancholy to wench, if you continue thus.

Trainst.

God-a-mercy Will and Tom; come, we'll soon to horse; I'll not desert any of our society.

Swiftsp.

What if thou go'st before, Trainsted?

Trainst.

Did'st thou not tell me of my engagement, and being civil, just now?

In what haste art thou alter'd!—See who moves towards us, I can∣not withdraw rudely from such an Object; Madam, the oblige∣ment of your hand before our departure.

Jocal.

To save you that trouble, I'll take leave first:

Here are other Ladies that may deserve your civilities.

[Offers to go.

Swiftsp.

By no means, Madam; thy rash demeanour reflects too much on us both.

Trainst.

Rather than so, Lady, I'll spend my Spring and October here, though it take from my usual converse in other places.

Jocal.

A kinde compliance, I confess.

Swiftsp.

Nothing at all, Madam, to what I dare assure you: be∣sides, this friend of mine may have a more particular occasion.

The truth is, he feeds and sets his Runners much by his own care, 'tis well known to Bowser and my self: for which reason you may dispense if you please.

Bows.

How! I abhor this Placket-wheedling: Let me not live, Lady, if it be truth well intended; rather dispatch somebody else if you think fit. Trainsted, if thou let'st this Go-by pass, maist thou never more win Match.

Jocal.

I have considered; by your favour, Mr. Trainsted, a word with you, Sir.

Trainst.

Your pleasure, Madam?

Jocal.

I suppose you have your Purse of Gold about you?

Trainst.

At your service, if it contained Millions.

Jocal.

You dare trust me with it?

Trainst.

Trust you, Madam! a meer favour that you'll receive it; I have credit enough, I hope, to discharge my Wagers other∣wise, if it must be so.

[Delivers his Purse.

Jocal.

You'll finde me faithful.

Trainst.

You have given me assurance.

Jocal.

You'll not remove now, and tell your friends, in case your ready money fail, I keep your stakes.

Trainst.

A Sweep-stakes indeed!

Swiftsp.

A meer neglect of thee, I knew 'twould come to this; that so ready a Brain as thine could not perceive it!

Trainst.

I may perhaps conster it otherwise: Women have ma∣ny wiles, or I finde her too handsome to chide with: 'twas five hundred Guineys, and should I forfeit for want of depositing, with some ill natur'd Betters? but no matter—Your Servant, Lady.

Jocal.

You'll not be gone to night?

Trainst.

If possible; what shall I do? the very cast of her Eye will detain me in spite of my beloved Racing: At present I'll re∣move however—Come along, Horsemen, you'll finde my spleen move chearfully in spite of fate.

[Exit Trainsted and Jockies.

Bows.

I'll follow him.

Swiftsp.

Not yet, Bowser, we'll rather overtake him on the Road.

Bows.

I have enough of this sort of Game, I thank you.

Swiftsp.

Let me perswade thee; I know there are some here may take it amiss.

Jocal.

I am all Air, and could leap upwards to think how I have laid my designe.

Clev.

What, surpriz'd, Jocalin?

Jocal.

A movement I remembred of my last dance.

Swiftsp.

Ladies, I beg your pardon, I withdrew a little with this Gentleman, and have shew'd him such a Jennet of mine the best of your Sex might borrow Thighs on, 'tis such a Let-down creature.

Jocal.

Your Horse is much beholden to you.

Swiftsp.

Not so, Lady; he that loves his Horse generously,

will love Woman in abundance—Is't not so, Bowser?

Jocal.

A free humour.

Bows.

Let's proceed to our Field-sports first, stretch our Limbs well as the Morning breaks, and the Hounds run heartily: for Wo∣man, let flesh and blood finde her as occasion serves: There's such delays in this Town, they sicken Recreation.

Clev.

A Huntsman to purpose.

Swiftsp.

But to do what thou know'st on with one of these, Bow∣ser, were more than a chace with Diana and her Hounds toge∣ther.

Clev.

What lusty things these men of pleasure are!

Enter Quickthrift, Plodwell and Nonsuch. Breakbond at another Door.

Quickth.

They have sure amus'd my Lawyer.

Plod.

I intend to make no such Bencher, Lady.

Swiftsp.

I am once more thine, Passal, with thy friends—I had almost forgot thee, Breakbond; if thou com'st to our next Race, borrow money there if thou canst.

Breakb.

Or I'll out-bet you all there; 'tis in my power to stake a fair one at every Miles end, win her who can.

Swiftsp.

A wager above all; thou shalt ride my best Galloper to bid thee welcom.

Clev.

This is mirth indeed, Jocalin.

Jocal.

I hope so—What say you, Sir Ralph?

Nonsuch.

Why, 'tis to be understood, Ladies, that if pleasure be duely appropriated, it may conduce something.

Pass.

Or a politick capacity for a Girl in private; is't not so, Knight?

Mald.

You have touch'd too near the Quick there.

Clev.

Is there no Musick here?

Nonsuch.

My house affords it, Lady; I permit a sober affectation of pleasures in all kindes.

Pass.

And now and then a Pricknote besides, if I mistake not.

Swiftsp.

I'll joyn my steps here.

[To Jocalin.

Bows.

Such a measure as had turns and doubles like a hunted Hare I should like heartily.

Nonsuch.

You'll excuse me, Ladies; though I be full of pleasure in conceits, my great Toe is somewhat indispos'd.

[Sits down.

Clev.

Or in your Milk-diet perhaps, as 'tis usual with some hea∣vie Politicians to refresh that way.

Swiftsp.

Start apace, Musick—

[The Dance is ended.

Clev.

Me thought Mr. Plodwel mov'd towardly.

Quickth.

I confess, with somewhat more grace than the Grave of the Inns of Court move round their Fire at Christmas.

Swiftsp.

Who leads, Gentlemen?

Pass.

My hand to serve you.

Mald.

Or mine.

Clev.

Both, if you please.

Pass.

More Riddles yet!

Breakb.

Away with this Ceremony, a thing in women I least forgive.

Plod.

Then I'll conduct you.

[Takes Quickthrift by the hand.

Quickth.

So confident o'th' sudden!

Plod.

Do not I tread tolerably?—Your judgement, Ladies?

Breakb.

God-a-mercy Lawyer, I begin to love thee.

Plod.

Me thinks I quicken strangely; shall we have t'other dance?

Quickth.

Is't possible?

Swiftsp.

In my Conscience he's a good Horseman too; and that's much for a Student.

Clev.

Enough at this time—Our thanks, Knight.

Plod.

By your leave, Ladies.

Plodwel leads:

And so ends the Second ACT.