Advice to a daughter as to religion, husband, house, family and children, behaviour and conversation, friendship, censure, vanity and affectation, pride, diversions : to which is added The character of a trimmer, as to the laws and government, Protestant religion, the papists, forreign affairs / by the late noble M. of H..

HƲSBAND.

THAT which challen∣geth the place in your Thoughts, is, how to live with a Husband. And though that is so large a Word, that few Rules can be fix'd to it which are unchangeable, the Methods being as various as the several Tempers of Men to which they must be suited; yet I cannot omit some General Observations, which, with the help of your own may the better direct you in the part of your Life upon which your Happiness most de∣pendeth.

It is one of the Disadvan∣tages belonging to your Sex, that young Women are sel∣dom permitted to make their own Choice; their Friends Care and Experience are thought safer Guides to them, than their own Fancies; and their Modesty often forbid∣deth them to refuse when their Parents recommend, though their inward Consent may not entirely go along with it. In this case there remaineth nothing for them to do, but to endeavour to make that easie which fal∣leth to their Lot, and by a wise use of every thing they may dislike in a Hus∣band, turn that by degrees to be very supportable, which,

if neglected, might in time be∣get an Aversion.

You must first lay it down for a Foundation in general, That there is Inequality in the Sexes, and that for the bet∣ter Oeconomy of the World, the Men, who were to be the Law-givers, had the lar∣ger share of Reason bestow'd upon them; by which means your Sex is the better pre∣par'd for the Compliance that is necessary for the better perfor∣mance of those Duties which seem to be most properly assign'd to it. This looks a little uncourtly at the first appearance; but upon Exa∣mination it will be found, that Nature is so far from be∣ng unjust to you, that she

is partial on our side. She hath made you such large Amends by other Advantages, for the seeming Injustice of the first Distribution, that the Right of Complaining is come over to our Sex. You have it in your power not only to free your selves, but to sudbue your Masters, and without violence throw both their Natural and Legal Autho∣rity at your Feet. We are made of differing Tempers, that our Defects may the better be mutually supplied: Your Sex wanteth our Reason for your Conduct, and our Strength for your Protection: Ours want∣eth your Gentleness to soften, and to entertain us. The first part of our Life is a good

deal subjected to you in the Nursery, where you Reign without Competition, and by that means have the ad∣vantage of giving the first Impressions. Afterwards you have stronger Influences, which, well manag'd, have more force in your behalf, than all our Privileges and Jurisdictions can pretend to have against you. You have more strength in your Looks, than we have in our Laws, and more power by your Tears, than we have by our Arguments.

It is true, that the Laws of Marriage, run in a harsher stile towards your Sex. Obey is an ungenteel word, and less easie to be digested, by ma∣king

such an unkind distincti∣on in the Words of the Con∣tract, and so very unsuitable to the excess of Good Manners, which generally goes before it. Besides, the universality of the Rule seemeth to be a Grievance, and it appeareth reasonable, that there might be an Exemption for extraor∣dinary Women, from ordina∣ry Rules, to take away the just Exception that lieth a∣gainst the false measure of gene∣ral Equality.

It may be alledged by the Counsel retained by your Sex, that as there is in all other Laws, an Appeal from the Letter to the Equity, in Cases that require it: It is as reasonable, that some Court

of a larger Jurisdiction might be erected, where some Wives might resort and plead speci∣ally. And in such instances, where Nature is so kind, as to raise them above the level of their own Sex, they might have Relief, and obtain a Mitigation in their own par∣ticular, of a Sentence which was given generally against Woman kind. The causes of Separation are now so very course, that few are confi∣dent enough to buy their Li∣berty at the price of having their Modesty so exposed. And for disparity of Minds, which above all other things requireth a Remedy, the Laws have made no provision; so little refin'd are numbers of

Men, by whom they are com∣pil'd. This and a great deal more might be said to give a colour to the Complaint.

But the Answer to it, in short, is, That the Institution of Marriage is too sacred to ad∣mit a Liberty of objecting to it; That the supposition of yours being the weaker Sex, having without all doubt a good Foundation, maketh it rea∣sonable to subject it to the Masculine Dominion; That no Rule can be so perfect, as not to admit some Exceptions; But the Law presumeth there would be so few found in this Case, who would have a sufficient Right to such a Privilege, that it is safer some Injustice should be conniv'd

at in a very few Instances, than to break into an Esta∣blishment, upon which the Order of Humane Society doth so much depend.

You are therefore to make your best of what is settled by Law and Custom, and not vainly imagine, that it will be changed for your sake. But that you may not be discou∣raged, as if you lay under the weight of an incurable Grievance, you are to know, that by a wise and dexterous Conduct, it will be in your power to relieve your self from any thing that looketh like a disadvantage in it. For your better direction, I will give a hint of the most or∣dinary Causes of Dissatisfacti∣on

between Man and Wife, that may be able by such a Warning to live so upon your Guard, that when you shall be married, you may know how to cure your Husband's Mistakes, and to prevent your own.

First then, you are to con∣sider, you live in a time which hath rendred some kind of Frailties so habitual, that they lay claim to large Grains of Allowance. The World in this is somewhat unequal, and our Sex seem∣eth to play the Tyrant in di∣stinguishing partially for our selves, by making that in the utmost degree Criminal in the Woman, which in a Man passeth under a much

gentler Censure. The Root and the Excuse of this Injustice is the Preservation of Families from any Mixture which may bring a Blemish to them: And whilst the Point of Ho∣nour continues to be so plac'd, it seems unavoidable to give your Sex, the greater share of the Penalty. But if in this it lieth under any Disadvan∣tage, you are more than re∣compens'd, by having the Honour of Families in your keeping. The Consideration so great a Trust must give you, maketh full amends; and this Power the World hath lodged in you, can hard∣ly fail to restrain the Seve∣rity of an ill Husband, and to improve the Kindness and

Esteem of a good one. This being so, remember, That next to the danger of com∣mitting the Fault your self, the greatest is that of seeing it in your Husband. Do not seem to look or hear that way: If he is a Man of Sense, he will reclaim him∣self; the Folly of it, is of it self sufficient to cure him: if he is not so, he will be provok'd, but not reform'd. To expostulate in these Cases, looketh like declaring War, and preparing Reprisals; which to a thinking Husband would be a dangerous Re∣flexion. Besides, it is so course a Reason which will be as∣sign'd for a Lady's too great Warmth upon such an occa∣sion,

that Modesty no less than Prudence ought to re∣strain her; since such an unde∣cent Complaint makes a Wife much more ridiculous, than the Injury that provoketh her to it. But it is yet worse, and more unskilful, to blaze it in the World, expecting it should rise up in Arms to take her part: Whereas she will find, it can have no other Effect, than that she will be served up in all Companies, as the reigning Jest at that time; and will continue to be the common Entertain∣ment, till she is rescu'd by some newer Folly that cometh upon the Stage, and driveth her away from it. The Im∣pertinence of such Methods

is so plain, that it doth not deserve the pains of being laid open. Be assur'd, that in these Cases your Discretion and Silence will be the most prevailing Reproof. An affect∣ed Ignorance, which is seldom a Vertue, is a great one here: And when your Husband seeth how unwilling you are to be uneasie, there is no stronger Argument to perswade him not to be unjust to you. Besides, it will na∣turally make him more yield∣ing in other things: And whe∣ther it be to cover or redeem his Offence, you may have the good Effects of it whilest it lasteth, and all that while have the most reasonable Ground that can be, of presu∣ming,

such a Behaviour will at last entirely convert him. There is nothing so glorious to a Wife, as a Victory so gain'd: A Man so reclaim'd, is for ever after subjected to her Vertue; and her bearing for a time, is more than rewarded by a Triumph that will continue as long as her Life.

The next thing I will sup∣pose, is, That your Husband may love Wine more than is convenient. It will be grant∣ed, That though there are Vices of a deeper dye, there are none that have greater Deformity than this, when it is not restrain'd: But with all this, the same Custom which is the more to be la∣mented for its being so gene∣ral,

should make it less un∣easie to every one in particu∣lar who is to suffer by the Effects of it: So that in the first place, it will be no new thing if you should have a Drunkard for your Husband; and there is by too frequent Examples evidence enough, that such a thing may happen, and yet a Wife may live too without being miserable. Self-love dictateth aggravating words to every thing we feel; Ruine and Misery are the Terms we apply to whatever we do not like, forgetting the Mixture allot∣ted to us by the Condition of Human Life, by which it is not intended we should be quite exempt from trouble.

It is fair, if we can escape such a degree of it as would oppress us, and enjoy so much of the pleasant part as may lessen the ill taste of such things as are unwelcome to us. Every thing hath two Sides, and for our own ease we ought to direct our Thoughts to that which may be least liable to exception. To fall upon the worst side of a Drun∣kard, giveth so unpleasant a prospect, that it is not possi∣ble to dwell upon it. Let us pass then to the more favoura∣ble part, as far as a Wife is con∣cern'd in it.

I am tempted to say (if the Irregularity of the Ex∣pression could in strictness be justified) That a Wife is to

thank God her Husband hath Faults. Mark the seeming Pa∣radox my Dear, for your own Instruction, it being in∣tended no further. A Hus∣band without Faults is a dan∣gerous Observer; he hath an Eye so piercing, and seeth eve∣ry thing so plain, that it is ex∣pos'd to his full Censure. And though I will not doubt but that your Vertue will disap∣point the sharpest Enquiries; yet few Women can bear the having all they say or do re∣presented in the clear Glass of an Understanding without Faults. Nothing softneth the Arrogance of our Nature, like a Mixture of some Frailties. It is by them we are best told, that we must not strike too

hard upon others, because we our selves do so often de∣serve Blows: They pull our Rage by the Sleeve, and whisper Gentleness to us in our Censures, even when they are rightly applied. The Faults and Passions of Hus∣bands bring them down to you, and make them con∣tent to live upon less une∣qual Terms, than Faultless Men would be willing to stoop to; so haughty is Man∣kind till humbled by com∣mon Weaknesses and Defects, which in our corrupted State contribute more towards the reconciling us to one ano∣ther, than all the Precepts of the Philosophers and Di∣vines. So that where the

Errors of our Nature make amends for the Disadvantages of yours it is more your part to make use of the Benefit, than to quarrel at the Fault.

Thus in case a Drunken Husband should fall to your share, if you will be wise and patient, his Wine shall be of your side; it will throw a Veil over your Mistakes, and will set cut and im∣prove every thing you do, that he is pleased with. O∣thers will like him less, and by that means he may per∣haps like you the more. When after having dined too well, he is received at home without a Storm, or so much as a reproaching Look, the Wine will naturally work

out all in Kindness, which a Wife must encourage, let it be wrapped up in never so much Impertinence. On the other side it would boil up into Rage, if the mistaken Wife should treat him rough∣ly, like a certain thing called a kind Shrew, than which the World, with all its Plenty, cannot shew a more Senseless, ill-bred, forbidding Crea∣ture. Consider, that where the Man will give such fre∣quent Intermissions of the use of his Reason, the Wife insensibly getteth a Right of Governing in the Vacancy, and that raiseth her Character and Credit in the Family, to a higher pitch than perhaps could be done under a sober

Husband, who never putteth himself into an Incapacity of holding the Reins. If these are not intire Consolations, at least they are Remedies to some Degree. They cannot make Drunkenness a Vertue, nor a Husband given to it a Felicity; but you will do your self no ill office in the endeavouring, by these means, to make the best of such a Lot, in case it should hap∣pen to be yours, and by the help of a wise Observation, to make that very supporta∣ble, which would otherwise be a Load that would oppress you.

The next Case I will put is that your Husband may be Cholerick or Ill-humour'd.

To this it may be said, That passionate Men generally make amends at the Foot of the Ac∣count. Such a Man, if he is angry one day without any Sense, will the next day be as kind without any Reason. So that by marking how the Wheels of such a Man's Head are used to move, you may easily bring over all his Pas∣sion to your Party. Instead of being struck down by his Thunder, you shall direct it where and upon whom you shall think it best ap∣plied. Thus are the strongest Poisons turn'd to the best Re∣medies; but then there must be Art in it, and a skilful Hand, else the least bungling maketh in mortal. There is

a great deal of nice Care re∣quisite to deal with a Man of this Complexion. Choler proceedeth from Pride, and maketh a Man so partial to himself that he swelleth a∣gainst Contradiction; and thinketh he is lessened if he is opposed. You must in this Case take heed of increasing the Storm by an unwary Word, or kindling the Fire whilst the Wind is in a Corner which may blow it in your Face: You are dextrously to yield every thing till he beginneth to cool, and then by slow degrees you may rise and gain upon him: Your Gentleness well timed, will, like a Charm, dispel his Anger ill placed; a kind

Smile will reclaim, when a shrill pettish Answer would provoke him; rather than fail upon such occasions, when other Re∣medies are too weak, a little Flattery may be admitted, which by being necessary, will cease to be Criminal.

If Ill-Humours and Sullenness, and not open and sudden Heat is his Disease, there is a way of treating that too, so as to make it a Grievance to be endured. In order to it, you are first to know, that natu∣rally good Sense hath a mix∣ture of surly in it: and there being so much Folly in the World, and for the most part so trumphant, it giveth fre∣quent Temptations to raise the Spleen of Men who think

right. Therefore that which may generally be call'd Ill-Humour, is not always a Fault; it becometh one when either it is wrong applied, or that it is continued too long, when it is not so: For this Reason you must not too hastily fix an ill name upon that which may per∣haps not deserve it; and though the Case should be, that your Husband might too sowerly resent any thing he disliketh, it may so happen, that more Blame shall be∣long to your Mistake, than to his Ill-Humour. If a Hus∣band behaveth himself some∣times with an Indifference that a Wife may think offen∣sive, she is in the wrong to

put the worst sence upon it, if by any Means it will ad∣mit a better. Some Wives will call it Ill-humour if their Husbands change their Style from that which they used whilst they made their first Addresses to them: Others will allow no Intermission or Abatement in the Expressions of Kindness to them, not e∣nough distinguishing Times, and forgetting that it is im∣possible for Men to keep themselves up all their Lives to the height of some extrava∣gant Moments. A Man may at some times be less careful in little things; without any cold or disobliging Reason for it; as a Wise may be too expecting in smaller matters,

without drawing upon herself the inference of being unkind. And if your Husband should be really sullen, and have such frequent Fits, as might take away the excuse of it, it concerneth you to have an Eye prepared to discern the first Appearances of Cloudy Weather, and to watch when the Fit goeth off, which sel∣dom lasteth long if it is let a∣lone. But whilst the Mind is sore, every thing galleth it, and that maketh it necessary to let the Black Humour begin to spend it self, before you come in and venture to undertake it.

If in the Lottery of the World you should draw a Covetous Husband, I confess it

will not make you proud of your good Luck; yet even such a one may be endured too, though there are few Passions more untractable than that of Avarice. You must first take care that your Definition of Avarice may not be a Mistake. You are to examine every Circumstance of your Husband's Fortune, and weigh the Reason of every thing you expect from him before you have right to pronounce that sentence. The Complaint is now so ge∣neral against all Husbands, that it giveth great suspicion of its being often ill-groun∣ded; it is impossible they should all deserve that Cen∣sure, and therefore it is cer∣tain,

that it is many times misapplied. He that spareth in every thing is an inexcusa∣ble Niggard; he that spareth in nothing is as inexcusable a Madman. The mean is, to spare in what is least necessa∣ry, to lay out more liberally in what is most required in our several circumstances. Yet this will not always satis∣fie. There are Wives who are impatient of the Rules of Oeconomy, and are apt to call their Husband's Kindness in question, if any other mea∣sure is put to their expence than that of their own Fan∣cy. Be sure to avoid this dangerous Error, such a par∣tiality to your Self, which is so offensive to an understand∣ing

Man, that he will very ill bear a Wife's giving her self such an injurious preference to all the Family, and whatever belongeth to it.

But to admit the worst, and that your Husband is really a Close-handed Wretch, you must in this, as in other Cases, endeavour to make it less af∣flicting to you; and first you must observe seasonable hours of speaking. When you of∣fer any thing in opposition to this reigning Humour, a third hand and a wise Friend, may often prevail more than you will be allowed to do in your own Cause. Sometimes you are deuterously to go along with him in things, where you see that the niggardly part of

his Mind is most predomi∣nant, by which you will have the better opportunity of per∣swading him in things where he may be more indifferent. Our Passions are very unequal, and are apt to be raised or lessened, according as they work upon different Objects; they are not to be stopped or restrained in those things where our Mind is more par∣ticularly engaged. In other matters they are more tracta∣ble, and will sometimes give Reason a hearing, and admit a fair Dispute. More than that, there are few Men, e∣ven in this instance of Avarice, so intirely abandoned to it, that at some hours, and upon some occasions, will not for∣get

their natures, and for that time turn Prodigal. The same Man who will grudge himself what is necessary, let his Pride be raised and he shall be profuse; at another time his Anger shall have the same effect; a fit of Vanity, Ambition, and sometimes of Kindness, shall open and in∣large his narrow Mind; a Dose of Wine will work upon this tough humor, and for the time dissolve it. Your business must be, if this Case happeneth, to watch these critical moments, and not let one of them slip without making your advan∣tage of it: and a Wife may be said to want skill, if by these means she is not able to secure her self in a good measure a∣gainst

the Inconveniences this scurvy quality in a Husband might bring upon her, ex∣cept he should be such an in∣curable Monster; as I hope will never fall to your share.

The last supposition I will make, is, That your Husband should be weak and incompe∣tent to make use of the Privi∣leges that belong to him. It will be yielded, that such a one leaveth room for a great many Objections. But God, Almighty seldom sendeth a Grievance without a Remedy, or at least such a Mitigation as taketh away a great part of the sting, and the smart of it. To make such a Misfortune•• less heavy, you are first to

bring to your Observation, That a Wife very often ma∣keth better Figure, for her Hus∣band's making no great one: And there seemeth to be lit∣tle reason, why the same La∣dy that chuseth a Waiting-Woman with worse Looks, may not be content with a Hus∣band with less Wit; the Ar∣gument being equal from the advantage of the Compari∣son. If you will be more a∣shamed in some Cases, of such a Husband, you will be less afraid than you would per∣haps be of a wise one. His Ʋnseasonable Weakness may no doubt sometimes grieve you, but then set against this, that it giveth you the Dominion, if you will make the right

use of it. It is next to his be∣ing dead, in which Case the Wife hath right to Admini∣ster; therefore be sure, if you have such an Idiot, that none, except your self, may have the benefit of the forfeiture; Such a Fool is a dangerous Beast, if others have the keep∣ing of him; and you must be very undexterous if when your Husband shall resolve to be an Ass, you do not take care he may be your Ass. But you must go skilfully about it, and above all things, take heed of distinguishing in publick what kind of Husband he is: Your inward thoughts must not hinder the outward pay∣ment of the consideration that is due to him: Your slight∣ing

him in Company, besides that it would, to a discerning By stander, give too great en∣couragement for the making nearer applications to you, is in it self such an undecent way of assuming, that it may pro∣voke the tame Creature to break loose, and to shew his Dominion for his Credit, which he was content to forget for his Ease. In short, the surest and the most approved me∣thod will be to do like a wise Minister to an easie Prince; first give him the Orders you afterwards receive from him.

With all this, that which you are to pray for; is a Wise Husband, one that by knowing how to be a Master, for that ve∣ry

reason will not let you feel the weight of it; one whose Authority is so soften'd by his Kindness, that it giveth you ease without abridging your Liberty; one that will return so much tenderness for your Just Esteem of him, that you will never want power, though you will seldom care to use it. Such a Husband is as much above all the other Kinds of them, as a rational subjection to a Prince, great in himself, is to be preferr'd before the disquiet and uneasiness of Ʋnli∣mited Liberty.

Before I leave this Head, I must add a little concerning your Behaviour to your Hus∣band's Friends, which requi∣reth the most refined part of

your Understanding to ac∣quit your self well of it. You are to study how to live with them with more care than you are to apply to any other part of your Life; especially at first, that you may not stum∣ble at the first setting out. The Family into which you are grafted will generally be apt to expect, that like a Stran∣ger in a Foreign Country, you should conform to their Me∣thods, and not bring in a new Model by your own Authori∣ty. The Friends in such a Case are tempted to rise up in Arms as against an unlawful Invasion, so that you are with the utmost Caution to avoid the least appearances of any thing of this Kind. And that

you may with less difficulty afterwards give your Dire∣ctions, be sure at first to re∣ceive them from your Hus∣band's Friends. Gain them to you by early applying to them, and they will be so sa∣tisfied, that as nothing is more thankful than Pride, when it is complied with, they will strive which of them shall most recommend you; and when they have helped you to take Root in your Husband's good Opinion, you will have less dependence upon theirs, though you must not neglect any reasonable means of pre∣serving it. You are to con∣sider, that a Man govern'd by his Friends, is very easily in∣flamed by them; and that one

who is not so, will yet for his own sake expect to have them consider'd. It is easily impro∣ved to a point of Honour in a Husband, not to have his Re∣lations neglected; and nothing is more dangerous, than to raise an Objection, which is grounded upon Pride: It is the most stubborn and lasting Pas∣sion we are subject to, and where it is the first cause of the War, it is very hard to make a secure Peace. Your Caution in this is of the last importance to you.

And that you may the bet∣ter succeed in it, carry a strict Eye upon the Impertinence of your Servants; take heed that their Ill-humour may not en∣gage you to take Exceptions,

or their too much assuming in small matters, raise Conse∣quences which may bring you under great Disadvantage. Remember that in the case of a Royal Bride, those about her are generally so far suspected to bring in a Foreign Interest, that in most Countries they are insensibly reduced to a very small number, and those of so low a Figure, that it doth not admit the being Jealous of them. In little and in the Proportion, this may be the Case of every New married Woman, and there∣fore it may be more adviseable for you, to gain the Servants you find in a Family than to tie your self too fast to those you carry into it.

You are not to overlook these small Reflections, because they may appear low and in∣considerable; for it may be said, that as the greatest streams are made up of the small drops at the head of the Springs from whence they are derived, so the greater circumstances of your Life, will be in some degree di∣rected by these seeming trifles, which having the advantage of being the first acts of it, have a greater effect than singly in their own nature they could pretend to.

I will conclude this Article with my Advice, That you would, as much as Nature will give you leave, endea∣vour to forget the great In∣dulgence you have found at

home. After such a gentle Discipline as you have been under, every thing you dis∣like will seem the harsher to you. The tenderness we have had for you, My Dear, is of another nature, peculiar to kind Parents, and differing from that which you will meet with first in any Family into which you shall be transplant∣ed; and yet they may be very kind too, and afford no justi∣fiable reason to you to com∣plain. You must not be fright∣ed with the first Appearances of a differing Scene; for when you are used to it, you may like the House you go to, bet∣ter than that you left; and your Husband's Kindness will have so much advantage of

ours, that we shall yield up all Competition, and as well as we love you, be very well contented to Surrender to such a Rival.