Grammatical drollery consisting of poems & songs wherein the rules of the nouns & verbs in the accendence are pleasantly made easy, for the benefit of any that delight in a tract of this nature
Hickes, William, fl. 1671.
Iter Orientale: or, a Voyage from London to Chipping-Unger in Essex; performed by some Gentlemen in August 1674.
HEnceforth I never more will hunger
To ride again to Chipping-Ʋnger
In Essex County, as I hear,
And month of August every year.
Page 42Not but we had a gallant Feast,
And Meat most delicately drest,
As Turky, Pig, Goose; and the chief
Was an excellent piece of Beef,
So large, it made the Spit to bend,
And a yard distance from either end;
And when't came up, there were two able
Men to bring it to the Table:
With Pullets, Capons, and on my word,
All that time o'th' year cou'd afford.
And then we did excel in Drink
Of several sorts. Stay, let me think.
And first we had good humming Beer,
The best, I think, in all the Shire:
And store of Nappy Ale likewise,
Which quickly did our brains surprize:
But then of Wine we had such store,
I thought one house could hold no more.
The Tables fill'd with Bottles were,
We scarce cou'd set Tobacco there;
That one to ask was then so bold,
Whether the Bottles were to be sold?
And yet to make up more variety,
Of Friends there was a brave society,
So truly merry and so free,
I was ne'r in better Companie.
Handsome, witty, and good humour too;
Faith, and that's much in so great a Crew,
That every thing there spoke or done,
Was Object of Mirth to every one:
And all resolv'd there to be merry;
But alas, poor Captain, he was weary,
And gauled was so much, that he
Cou'd find no part of's Rump was free.
Page 43This being so, you'll ask me then,
Why I'll no more to Ʋnger agen:
Which to unriddle, I will not fail;
But now comes out a doleful Tale
That ever yet was heard before,
His Buttocks being so vilely tore.
The Horse whereon he then did ride,
Wore Whalebone-Bodies on either side:
For the Spur had made the Ribs appear,
As if you had Glass-windows there.
And then he had so sweet a trot,
By that time I two miles had got,
As if it were for the very nonce:
For it dislocated all my bones.
And then his trotting was so high,
He'd mount me up; then by and by
Wou'd let me down with such a jolt,
I had much ado to keep my holt.
He once did lift me up so high;
(But here you'll think I tell a lye)
Far be't from me; I'm not so given:
For I heard the Angels sing in Heaven.
You may think I hyperbolize,
But I hope you do not think 'em lyes:
For at that time I did bestraddle
Such a fashion'd uncouth Saddle:
For such a one it chanc'd to be,
From which, good Lord, deliver me
From such another: For allagree
'Twas made of Deal-boards certainlie;
But some a better name did give it,
Saying, 'twas Wainscot; you may believe it:
And I began to think so too.
It was so hard, I swear to you,
Page 44I thought't had lain in water or mud
That turns all things to stone that's wood:
For I did find a rising bump
O'th' top, which often hit my Rump;
And went to cut it, but on my life,
It soon turn'd the edge of my Knife.
I hope you think, when on't I rid,
A pleasant Saddle I bestrid.
In Stirrup-leathers I was blest,
'Cause they were like to all the rest:
For they in pieces were so plenty,
I think in number almost twenty;
They were so patcht in knots and bumps,
And other risings just like lumps,
That I protest I broke my knuckle
To draw the Leather through the Buckle.
The Buckles and Stirrups were with rust
So eat, that all that saw 'em, must
Seek for a Faith to believe that ere
They were iron, so unlike they were.
Yet I believe that I am able
To prove, that the straps o'th' Saddle
Had once been Leather, when I had found
Two or three holes both round and sound.
And for my Girts, I do protest,
I cannot tell whether 'tis best
To call 'em so: for one I found
Not square, but excellently round;
Which makes me think that it was made
Just when the Roundheads drove their trade,
For its antiquity and make.
But for the other, if I may speak
My mind freely, the breadth's about
A quarter and nail, I dare avow't;
Page 45By which you see they were not brothers,
Being so unlike one another.
And for the Bridle, this I'll say,
'Twas onely for a Lord-Mayors-day
For an Alderman to ride upon,
If then he cou'd get such a one.
Being thus accommodated, I
Did ride by th' Coach triumphantly,
Unto the credit then of all
My Dames that rode there, both great and small.
But now comes out the saddest Tale,
Which my poor Rump does still bewail:
For never Rump was served so,
When they to Ʋnger ere did go.
I'd rather to endure a whipping,
Than ride again to Ʋnger-Chipping:
I'm sure I shou'd have lesser whales
Than I had then upon my Tail.
And well they may Chipping call it;
For't chipt my Nock, and did so maul it
In many Chips and corner'd cuts,
I cou'd not help it for my Guts:
So gaul'd it was in many places,
That I was forc'd make many faces
(Whensoever I got it drest)
And yet no Painter, I protest.
Sometimes 'twou'd itch, and then I'd scrat;
Then turn a this side, and then a that:
Sometimes 'twou'd smart, then must I
Not sit at all, but stand or lie.
Some seeing me lean a one side, sware
That I was whispering to the Chair.
Others askt me why I pensive sate,
Saying, 'twas so with me but a late.
Page 46Nay, I heard one whisper through a Gap,
That certainly I had got a Clap.
And when I kneel'd against a Chair,
They'd ask me if I were at Prayer.
And when for ease I on my Belly lay,
Sure you're asham'd to shew your face, they'd say.
And when that I came through a Town
From Ʋnger, says a Country Clown,
Like Crookbackt Richard I did ride,
When I turn'd my Rump up a one side.
And at another Town, a fellow sware
I was like the Bunchbackt Taylor there.
And when to ease my Nock I lay
On the Horse-neck, then they say,
(When I was in that pitiful case)
Sure that man's a running a Race.
And as through Stratford-Bow I came,
Says one, How d'ye, Sir? are you lame,
Or are you gaul'd, and is it sore?
Ah, friend, thought I, than all before,
Thou speakest truest: He bid me pick
From off a Tree an Elder-stick,
And put into my Pocket; and swore
That at that time 'twou'd gaul no more.
Troth, friend, thought I, I'm o'thy mind:
For I am so much gaul'd behind,
There's no place free, it is so tore,
How cou'd it then gaul any more?
Thus you may see my desperate case
Being so, to jeer me to my face.
Then I do every man advise
Not to ride as I did, if he be wise:
Which to prevent, let him never paddle,
As I did then, on such a Saddle.
Page 47Perhaps you'll ask why I did not look
Before I leapt: I swear upon a book
I cou'd not help it; the horse was sent
(As 'twere to me in complement)
And left him at my Lodging-door,
When all the rest were gone before:
So Hobsons choice was left to me,
Either this or none, most certainlie.
Then every one began to say,
They did not pity me that day:
For had I gallopt as I ought,
I had to the Town more Leather brought;
But I, forsooth, must often tarry
For my Dog Tango, that was weary.
Sure I think it was good nature
Not to leave a poor dumb Creature
In a strange place: for I'll swear
He ne'r did speak as I did hear;
And being dumb, how cou'd he then
Beg relief from Country-men?
For some an 'um are like a Hog,
To respect him no more than a Dog;
Unless that he at Barking had bin
In Essex too, with some of his Kin,
Who might relieve him for's barkings sake,
Although poor thing he cou'd not speak:
For Barking was his Dialect; and how
Can Essex-men understand Baw waw?
So Tango might be starved in
A Country where he ne'r had bin.
His feet were surbated, and he sick;
Which toucht poor Tango to the quick.
Thus have you heard most certainly,
The Story of my Dog and I.
Page 48I now must speak of two Comrades
Which furnisht were with arrant Jades,
As we our self was furnished,
Except the Saddle on which I rid.
The young mans horse came from a Butcher,
Who kickt when he did not touch her.
His horse was raw, and lean, and tall,
He lookt like Alexander on's Bucephal.
I cannot say he lost much Leather,
Yet brought home less than he carri'd thither.
And's Comrade too that with him went
Home, did confess his Rump was rent.
Their Rumps were bad, but mine was worse,
That we all may say, God a mercy Horse.
The POSTSCRIPT.
Thus have you heard our Iter Orientale,
Which to us three was very male;
But I the worst of all that Jovial Crew:
So iterum, atque iterum, I bid ye adieu.
