Coffee-house jests. Refined and enlarged. By the author of the Oxford jests. The fourth edition, with large additions. This may be re-printed, Feb. 25. 1685. R.P.

Here followeth some Probable Stories told by several Persons in a Room together.

200.

A Gentleman in North-wales was stand∣ing in a Sun-shiny day, upon a high rock near the Sea-side in those parts; and as he was looking about, he saw an Island some Four miles from the shore or thereabouts, upon which Island he spy'd two Hares play∣ing one with another: Well, says he, are you got over there now; for I am sure I cours'd you both yesterday with my two Greyhounds, and then you shew'd me a trick, but now I'll shew you one. So he went immediately home, and fetch't his two Greyhounds, and a great Morter-piece which he had of a Thousand pound weight, which he fastened between the two Dogs Necks; but he was forc'd to fasten a Cord to it also, lest the Dogs might run away with it; and when they had car∣ry'd it to the Rock aforesaid, he charg'd the Morter-piece, and presently the two Greyhounds slipt into it (for it seems they had been used to it) which two Greyhounds he ram'd in very well, and then discharg'd the Morter-piece with no hurt at all to the Greyhounds, (for you must know he shot with white Powder) and it so happened

that says he, I protest t'ye Gentlemen, (upon my honest word and credit 'tis true) that the two Grey-hounds each lighted upon a Hare as they were playing, and then kill'd 'em and im∣mediately left the Island, and swam through the Sea with the Hares in their Mouths, which were one boiled and t'other roasted for my Din∣ner. The one askt him what colour his Greyhounds were? He swore they were both black before, but the White Powder did so change their colour, that they were both turn'd grey; and so from them all of their kind were called Grey-hounds, for their sakes, to this day. They told him they thought this probable enough to be impro∣bable. O Gentleman, says he, far be it from me to tell you a lie, for if you won't believe me, pray ask the two Dogs,

201.

Another was saying, that once upon a time, it was his fortune to be in Hide-Park, where he saw several Races run; and at length, says he, I undertook to run a Race with my little Galloway Nag, with ano∣ther of that size, a Race of a mile long for Five pound: And just as we were riding with full speed, he that rode with me was on the right hand, and so past by the Coach; but my poor Galloway seeing he could not pass for the Coach (and being a cunning

Jade, and unwilling that his Master should lose) for if he did, he thought he should fare the worse for it at night; presently cast me off his back, and leapt quite tho∣row the Coach himself (notwithstanding it went a great pace) but it was done so nimbly and so dexterously, that all admir'd, and so well 'twas ordered, that just as he came thorow the Coach, when he came out, he catcht me directly upon his back agen on the other side of the Coach, and though 'twas done so hastily, yet the other got ground of us; but my Horse so handled his Legs, that without Switch or Spur I won the wager. Now, says he, shew me such a Galloway Nagg in England agen; then they all told him 'twas very much, and more than they could have believed, if he had not told it.

202.

Another swore, that he in his Travels round about the World, which he had en∣compast Three times and half in Seven years time, but could not finish the other half, because he fell very Sick, and so was forc't to return back agen; and in his return he came into a Kings Court, but I cannot for my life remember the place, because I have been in so many; and there, says he, I saw a Lute of a very great bigness, and Thirty Ells long, bating only three inches, and

Three broad, and swore that the least string upon it was bigger than his Thumb. Then they askt him how it possibly could be plaid on? He told them that a Man and his Wife that were Gyants (of which there's abundance in that Country) had Two large Iron Bows, made each with Eight Feet like Gridirons, with which he and his dear Consort (which I think is the best name for her now, in regard of that Mu∣sick) scrat o're the strings; that is, she on the Treble part, and he on the Bass, whil'st Eight great Mastiff Dogs ran up and down the Frets of the Lute, with their bare Feet, and stopt directly in Tune as they plaid; (but you must conceive that these Dogs were bred up to't, or else 'twere a thing impossible) to the admiration of all strangers that were there; and the Case of that Lute served for a Kennel for the Eight Dogs to lie in: but it seems 'tis common with them there, for they made nothing of it: and this he made good by whole volleys of thundering Oaths.

203.

Another Gallant swore likewise (for it seems they were all guilty of swearing to confirm their stories, or else 'tis possible that few of them would be believed) That as he was fishing in Germany in the great River

Rhine, where I saw an infinite number of Fish of all soets, and a Fisher of that Coun∣trey which I saw draw up with his Net an Eele, that was far bigger than the May-pole in the Strand at the bottom, which they at first thought to be a lie; and when he had occasion to go into the Yard, they askt his Man, who indeed was very sober and discreet, whether it were true of the Eele, to be as big as the May-pole in the Strand at bottom: Truly Gentlemen, says he, I then stood nearer than my Master, which makes him a little mistake, for I think in good truth it was scarce so big, but swore, that it was full so long. This made them cry him up with a Hum, and presently writ Probatum est: And good rea∣son they had I think, because he had a wit∣ness to prove it there, which spoke as true as himself.

204.

Another, That in the Wars in Germany between the Swedes and them, there was so great a Frost one Winter, that Two Men desiring to talk with one another, and one was on one side of the River, and t'o∣ther on the other, and as they spoke one to another, the Frost was so great, that it froze up their words, which was not audible then, nor indeed (upon my reputation)

could not be heard till Nine days after, when it chanc'd to thaw: which one of the com∣pany hearing, said 'twas a brave Country to speak Treason in; for whatsoever a Man said, a Man could not be heard: Nay, the very lowings of the Bulls and Cows were froz'n up also, that the owners had much ado to find them to fodder them, for want of hearing them as formerly. Nay, by your favour, says another, there is another Country, which had as great a conveniency to speak Treason in as that had from 1648 to 1660; and there one might speak any sort of Treason, and was never call'd to an account for it: Nay, the more Treason they spoke, they were the better esteem'd; so that there was no need of a frost at that time in England for that use.

205.

A Woman accidentally coming into the Room where they were, and hearing them speak of that Frost in Germany, told some such stories; but when she saw the Com∣pany began to scruple at the truth of it (which I wonder they did, if they consi∣der but her following discourse) then she up and told them That her dear and loving Husband, peace be with him, was in that great Frost, out late one night, which, tru∣ly Gentlemen, I believe was the occasion of

his death: though he lingred Fourteen or Fifteen years after it; he I say, riding that night, came to a Common, where were great store of very good Cole-pits, inso∣much that he fell down to the bottom in one of them, and his Horse fell directly up∣on him; that it was impossible at that time of night, and in such weather, to be relieved in that great distress: and having lain so for a long time, and no hopes to be relieved at all, he presently bethought him∣self, and immediately rose and went to the next Village, and there borrowed a Pick∣axe and a Spade, and then came back with 'em to the Pit, and first digged out him∣self, and then his Horse, and so about five a Clock in the Morning came home; but so weary and so cold, that he could not unbotton his Doublet: Nay, says she, after I had hope him off with all his Cloaths; he was so benum'd, that I was forc'd to take a Warming-pan of hot Coles, and so went all over his body, yet was he so cold that he scarce felt, though the warming-Pan sometimes stood a pretty while toge∣ther in one place; which truly Gentlemen I was fain to do for my Dear Husband: which confirm'd them in the belief of it, that it was as true as any of the rest, and gave her thanks for it also: and so she made

them half a dozen reverend Oourchys and bid 'em god-by.

206.

Another Fellow said that he had heard all their stories, and did think at first that some of them had been untruths, but now, says he, I am better satisfied; and I will tell what I know upon my own Know∣ledge. I was once in some company where I heard one of them say that to his Know∣ledge a Raven would live a hundred years: so the next day I went and bought me one purposely to make a Tryal, and put him into a Cage and taught him to sing; and I think in my conscience no Bird but a Ra∣ven could sing like him. Well, says he, I kept this Bird above a hundred years; nay, if I should say two hundred, I should not lie (and fed him all the time my self) yet I could never make him speak as your Starling does for my life; at last being ve∣ry tame, I turn'd him out of the Cage, and put him into a Room, where I had only a Goose, but never a Gander for her: I know not how it happened, but the Raven and the Goose fell in league together (for you must know 'twas a Cock Raven) and the Raven trod her, and she brought ten young ones, all coloured half black and half white, and those Five which were black

towards the head cry'd just like a Raven, and those that were white towards the head, cry'd like Geese, and I eat one of the former, that was black towards the head, and if you'll believe me, I have had ever since such a strange croaking in my Stomach, especially if I chance to see any Carrion, that 'tis a great disturbance to me: Nay, One of my Neighbours upon some occasion call'd my Wife Carrion; and though I did not love her before; yet ever since I have had a great kindness for her. Then they told him that the strange∣ness of this story made it true, and the Pro∣verb makes it good, that is, 'Tis not so strange as true,

207.

Another of this Crew came in with his story too, which they thought improbable, till he gave 'em evident demonstration of the truth of it, and that was this: He said he was one Winter about seven years since in Lincolnshire, near the Fenns, where there is always great store of all sorts of Wild Fowl, but especially of Duck and Mallard, which made me take my Gun, and when I came near to a Hedge, they were very thick at t'other side, upon which I present∣ly discharged my Gun, and kill'd at one Shoot Three hundred twenty five, and I

think, I wounded a great number also; then they wondered how he could kill so many at one shot, he told them that there were near Four hundred little holes in the Barrel of his Gun, so big as Shot might easily pass through them; and at the dis∣charge of the Gun every Shot went out at his own hole, and kill'd so many as I told you, I am certain: Nay, I had kill'd ma∣ny more if they had lay a little closer: Then they askt him how he got 'em home, he told 'em he went home first and fetcht a Horse, which was loaded Three times home with them, besides what I carried on my Shoulders; and they were all as fat as the driven Snow. They said 'twas very much indeed, and very many to be kill'd at one time.

208.

Another that had been a Souldier, and newly come from the great and long Siege of Ostend, one askt him what news there? He swore there was great want of Bread: But one day when some was brought in, he saw a lusty Souldier that was one of their Regiment, take up a Loaf; and ha∣ving a very large and sharp Knife, he slic't quite thorow the Loaf; and himself (be∣ing eager at it) and two more Souldiers behind him; and by that means we got

their Shares, and so fared the better; and to the confirmation of it added some lusty Oaths: Nay, said they, we'll believe this, cause 'tis a well-bred story.

209.

A Gentleman that had bred up a Young Colt, and had taught him many pretty pieces of Activity, but one among the rest, that of leaping so well, that no Ditch or Hedg, though never so broad or deep, but he whipt over: nay, an ordinary House was nothing with him, or small Country Church also, but yet could never leap over the Steeple. It fortun'd that the Gentleman having occasion to ride abroad on him, came to a River that was about Twenty yards wide, which you'll say was very broad; yet this poor beast leapt with him to the very brink of the River on the other side, and there by chance lighted upon a stump of a Tree, which run into his Belly: which the Master seeing, alighted, and so left the poor Beast in that condition, yet would not kill him, and so went away. About Six months after this Gentleman was ri∣ding that way with his Man, and as they rode, says his Master, Don't you see some∣thing move yonder? Yes, says he, I think I see a Tree go•• and coming near to it, they put aside all the Boughs, and there spied his

late Horse, which he thought had died there; so they cut off all the Boughs, which were so many as to load almost three Carts, and then he took the poor Beast home, and cur'd him of all but the stump of the Tree which was in his Belly: and indeed he need not do it, for he receiv'd a great ad∣vantage by it every year, that is, at least Two or Three load of Wood, which serv'd him to burn in his Chamber; for he would never burn any other there but that, out of the love he bore to that poor beast of his. But some that heard him till it, thought it savour'd too much of the Legend: Why if you won't believe me, ask my Man, who knows it as well as I, and shall swear it too, if you please.

210.

A Lusty Widow about Forty five years Old, yet it seems had a mind to another Husband; and she liv'd about Four Miles from High-Wickham, a Market Town in Buckingham shire; and having one Market day sent her Maid to the Market at Wickham, about some business, the Maid it seems staid longer than ordinary abroad, and when she came home her Mistriss askt her, what was the cause of her staying so long at Market? I profess I'll hang your Coat for it: Pray Mrs. Forsooth, says she, hear me but

speak first, and I don't doubt but to give you satisfaction: Come you Jade, speak quickly then. Why Forsooth, says she, there was the finest Proclamation that ever I heard in my Life; What Proclamation you Queen, speak quickly; Why Forsooth, 'Twas that every Wo∣man that had a little Mouth, should have two Husbands: With that the Widow being very much pleased with the News, began to purse and draw up her sweet Mouth: And saying, O, 'twas a pretty Proclamation, a brave Proclamation, an excellent Proclama∣tion: I but Forsooth, says she, I'll tell you more News than all this: There was another Pro∣clamation; What was that? Says the Wi∣dow, Why forsooth, those that have a wide Mouth shall have three Husbands. With that she began to widen her lovely Mouth: Say∣ing, Whaw, whaw, whaw, what a brave Pro∣clamation is that indeed. And so every day after enlarged her Mouth by degrees that her Neighbours might take notice of it; and so gave in her name to the next Justice accordingly.

211.

A Gentleman that liv'd in the Country in the Christ-mass-Holy days, as many o∣thers do, did invite his Tenants to a Din∣ner or Supper; and one day being at Din∣ner, and seeing the Pigs long in coming (and

being a very passionate Man also) askt his Wife what was become of the two Pigs? She told him they would come presently, and pray'd him to be patient. With that he began to curse and swear that he did be∣lieve he should never see his two Spits a∣gain; his Wife askt him why he said so? Because, says he, I do believe the Pigs are run away with them, for I saw 'em with the Spits in their Mouths two hours ago.

212.

A Great Noble Man, that was account∣ed mad by all that came near him, but yet had a great deal of Craft withal; and one day having got a great rusty Horse-nail in his hand, he made those in the House be∣lieve he had eaten it; which that all the Phy∣sicians that were far and near were sent for, and after they had a long and serious con∣sultation together, some said it was good to send it out by way of Purgation, others said they'd dissolve it in the Body and yet should do him no hurt; and he sitting by and hearing all their discourse, told them they were all Fools and Mountebanks: For, says he, could not you have applied a Load∣stone to my Breech, and that would a drawn it out, for that attracts all Iron to it.

213.

A very Covetous Trades-man had a mind to be married, and yet was afraid for fear of the charge of having Children too fast; at last he resolved to marry, and indented with his Wife before marriage, that they would lie together but once a month: And, says he, I intend to get every month a Joint from Head to Foot of the Child, so by that means we shall not have too many Children; but I do it for this reason, to ease thee in the bringing of them up: And after Marriage it seems he lay with her the first Night: And I know not how it came about but at forty weeks end she was brought to Bed of a brave Boy, and perfect every way. Why how now Wife? says he, this is not ac∣cording to my expectation: Yes Husband, says she, but I may thank good Neighbour, or else for ought I know we might have had a defor∣med Child.

214.

A Bold Cavalier passing by Ludgate in Olivers time, one night was examined by the Constable and watch, what he was? He told them he was a man. Who d'ye serve? says the Constable. I serve, says he, the King. So as they were sending him to Prison, he told them he serv'd his Highness the Lord Protector. O, I cry your mercy,

says the Constable, why did you not say so be∣fore? Because, says he, I thought you had l••••'d the King better than my Lord Protector: if you don't, says he, I am sure you ought to do't; and so whipt out at the Wicket and ran away; or else, they had had him to Bridewell and there whipt him.

215.

A Youth passing by the Watch late at Temple-Bar one night also; the Constable askt him what he was? Why, says he, a Boy; don't you see: Who d'ye serve, says the Constable, Why the King, says the Boy: Says the Constable, So do we, Is that all? D'ye serve no body else? Away with him to the Counter: At length he told him that he was Page to Mr. Baxter at Court; O, says the ingenious Constable, are you Page to the Back-stairs at Court; go your ways home, for I won't stay any of the Kings Servants. No, says the Boy, how can you stop 'em, unless y••u find where they run out.

216.

At a Market Town in York-shire, there liv'd a Quaker that was a Barber, and the Minister of the Parish came to him for to demand Twenty Shillings for Tithe be∣longing to his Parsonage: The Quaker told him he ow'd him none, nor none would he pay him: He told him 'twas his

due, and if he could not have it by fair means he must have it by foul: The Qua∣ker askt him for what it was due? He told him for Preaching and Reading Di∣vine Service, and other Ministerial Duties in the Church: Why, says the Quaker, I never came there: You might and you would, says the Parson, the Door stands open. A lit∣tle after the Quaker hearing that he was suing of him for the money, enters an Action also against the Parson for Twenty Shillings; and when the Parson came to hear of it, he went and askt him how he came to owe him twenty Shillings? He told him for Trimming: Why, says the Minister, I never came there in my life: You might and you would, says the Quaker, for the Door stands open.

217.

An Oxonian, meeting with a Rhodo∣montade in London, who it seems swore that he would take the wall of all that he met, the Scholar thinking nothing, was go∣ing between the wall and him: with that the Ruffler began to thrust him back, and told him, He did not use to give every Cox∣comb the Wall. No, says t'other, what good will the Wall do me without the House: But, says t'other, I mean I don't use to give every Fool the wall; But Sir, says he, I do, ••and

am very glad that I have so good an opportunity to serve you; and so let him have it and marcht away, and the other also went away very well satisfied, thinking he had put an af∣front upon the Scholar.

218.

A man describing to his Friend a broad brim'd Hat, which he wonder'd at when he came first to London, and when he came down into the Country agen, he told them of this fashion'd Hat; But one said it was so broad, that it would have serv'd conveni∣ently for a Pent-house for another man be∣sides himself; says he, When I saw the brim of it button'd up on one side, methoughts it lookt just like a Trap-door nail'd up; and his body, having a Coat on with larke Loops, shew'd just like a Ladder underneath the Trap-door.

219.

A great Butler once drinking to a sober Person a Glass of Wine, he refused to pledge him. What, says he, won't you pledge me? Why then I wish this curse may attend thee: That is, that I wish that in a dark and cold rainy night, thou wert set upon a tir'd Jade bare-ridg'd, in a dirty Lane, with a Pocky Whore behind thee, and thy own Bones rotten, & Nine Miles from any House, not knowing one step of the way, and with never a penny in thy

Purse, and both thirsty and hungry: Sir, says he, I thank you for your good wishes, but I hope in a little time you'l enjoy 'em all your self.

220.

A Simpleton, having been married Se∣ven or Eight years, and had no Children, and one day a Kinsman of his coming to visit him, whispered to him (innocently) Cousen, Cousen, betwixt you and I my Wife's with Child; though, says he, I protest I had no hand in it: No, says he, I don't believe you had any hand in it: But being in a manner over-joy'd with the conceit on't, and (know∣ing it to be of his own begetting) said Cou∣sen, Cousen, but betwixt you and I, I shall have an Heir, and I hope you will be Godfa∣ther to it: No, says his Cousen, by no means, for if I should be God-father, all the Neigh∣bours will say you take Gods Name in vain there.

221.

A Natural Fool, that serv'd a Knight in this Kingdom, he commanded him to give such a Lord his hand; which he presently did, but gave him his left hand, for which his Master chid him, and told him he should have given the Lord his right hand: A Fit Master, says the Fool, I think you are more Fool than I; for that's an unseemly thing

indeed to give to a great Lord that hand, which I wipe my Breech withall every day.

222.

A Discreet Gentlewoman kept more Maids than ordinary to please her Husband, and he like a Wise Man gave her leave to roam abroad at her pleasure also, and be∣ing absent they always contented each o∣ther, but if present then they were content to be Bawds one to another; so that there was never such true love between any cou∣ple that I have heard of before: which I think is a very goody example for married folks hereafter, to follow their discreet rule, to avoid contention and quarrel∣ling.

223.

A Knights Son in the West, who was indeed his Fathers only Child, and so gave him a little more liberty than ordinary, and he was rather a lover of the State of Ve∣nus—than Genoa, and did often haunt the young Girls thereabouts; but especially one above the rest, which was a very pret∣ty Maid, and about Eighteen years of age, and a Farmers Daughter, who was his Fa∣thers Tenant; which gave him the more liberty to have free egress and regress thi∣ther; and having importun'd the Maid ve∣ry

much, yet she would never grant: at last he promis'd her Marriage, upon which he had his desire, and the Maid was with Child; but his Father and Mother fearing he might make up a match there, by his go¦ing so often thither, sent to another Knight that liv'd four Miles of, to treat between their Daughter and his Son, which was a pretty Woman also, which they suddenly consent∣ed to, and the marriage day appointed; and on the Marriage day, when he was ri∣ding with his man thither, the Farmer and his Daughter way-laid him under a Hedg, and askt him what recompence he should have for the wrong he had done his Daugh∣ter. Well, says he, there's Fifty pound for you in Gold, and I now will give you a Bond for Fifty pound more to be paid in Six Months, so you will be contented. So under the Hedg the Bond was making, and the People at the Bride-house wondering at his so long stay, sent a Man to enquire after him; and when he came, he found him a uniting under the Hedg with the Farmer and his Daughter; and when he had done he went his way to the Bride-house as fast as he could gallop: and the Farmer and his Daughter seeing they could not help them∣selves, put up their Pipes and went home; at last they were married, had Din'd, and

supt, and when they were in Bed together, he began to kiss her: Pray, says she, let me ask you a question, first, what made you un∣der the Hedg with the Farmer and his Daugh∣ter so long? Why, says he, it does not concern you at all: Well, says she, I will know, or else you and I shall he at a distance. Why, says he, If you won't be angry I'll tell you: Well I will not, says she, let it be what it will: Why then, says he, I got the Farmers Daughter with-Child, and she was such a Fool to tell her Father of it: By my troth, says she she was a Fool indeed; for my Fathers Man got me with-child above a twelve month ago, and you are the first that ever I told of it: Tar∣box for that beloved.

224.

A Rump Soldiers Wife being a cleanly Woman, in a Moon shiny night going tho∣row Thieving-lane in Westminster, and pret∣ty late, she having at that time an occasion to untruss a point, went into a corner of that Lane, and under a Bulk was pleased to deliver a poor Prisoner (for it could be no otherwise in Thieving-lane) but I know not by what over-sight it hapned, for her under-Coat, sweet Soul, doubl'd inwardly, which catch't the poor Prisoner agen when he was got out; o•• last like a discreet Wo∣man that could over-see all she had done,

she lookt on the Ground, and seeing it not, Well, says she, the place well deserves the name of Thieving-lane; for a Body can't lay down any thing but 'tis stole away presently: And the poor thing it seems was loath to leave her turn'd Page, and followed at the heels, dab, dab, dab, every step; which she knew not of till she smelt the Rogues tricks: Sirrah, says she, hence forward I'll have no more to do with you; and so shak'd him off, that the poor thing was forc'd to lie in the Street all that cold night.

225.

Another Rump Officer, which forsooth to be fine, must needs have a Muff; and be∣ing much put to't, to deliver a poor Priso∣ner also, was forc't to put into an Ale House, and bid him fill him a Pot of Ale, and he'd come presently: And when he came to the convenient place, and it being a lit∣tle duskish, and being in hast too, pretty worm; had forgot his Muff, which hung it seems behind him, and well he might be pardoned for it, for that was the first day that e're he wore a Muff; and making more than ordinary haste, it hapned that his new Muff lighted just underneath his Masters Name-sake, viz. the Rump, and he most valiantly discharg'd all into it; and so when he had done (though he did not

know what he had done) come out of the little House into the Yard, and as he was going into the House, thrust his pretty hand with his Gloves on into the Muff, which he quickly smelt and put him into such a fume, that he threw his Muff and Gloves in the Womans Face, and told her that was enough to pay for the pot of Ale, and so went away.

226.

A Countrey Woman that was a bold Gossip, came to a Butchers in Oxford, and when she saw a Shoulder of Mutton hang up, she askt him what she should give him for it? He told her two Shillings and a half: Two farts and a half, says she: Why says he, give me two farts and a half and thou shalt have it: Say'st thou so Boy, says she, Why then have at it; then she lifted up her pretty right leg, and let a good one; Well, says he, there's one; then sweet soul, she lift∣ed up her left leg, and let another as good; then lifting up her two legs one after ano∣ther, she let a lusty one; Well, says he, there's three, but where's the half one? Why, says she, take which half you will of the last, for that was a rowsing one.

227.

A Lord in this Kingdom, that it seems by mistake, had sealed to something that

day, for which he was very much troubled, at last, after some vexation and grief for it, he call'd up his man into the Chamber to him, saying, Tom was not I a Fool to do as I did to day? Yes truly were you, my Lord, says he, you were an arrant fool for it. Sirrah, says he, though I call my self Fool, I don't allow you to do it too; and so kickt him out of doors.

228.

An ancient Justice of Peace was chid by a Neighbour Justice, for marrying a young Girl; Peace Brother, says he, hold thy tongue, she'll be a Woman to morrow; for, says he, Wives are young mens Mistresses, middle aged mens Companions, and old mens Nurses; and will you blame a man to have a Nurse in his old age? No, says he, I don't blame you to have a Nurse, but I do blame you, that you are not provided for Heaven, but that your Wife must do it: Why, says he, don't you know whither all Cuckolds go? O, says he, now you put me in mind on't, 'tis true; I have heard your Wife say many years ago, that she was con∣fident her husband would go to heaven, and now I find which way; and mum for that my dear Brother too.

229.

One was saying, That those men which do affect gravity, did seldom speak when any was

a telling them a story, but only wag the head: but another told him he was confident they do as we do our Bottles that is shake 'em to try if they have any wit in their heads to give answer to their speech: but a third said, he thought that all those who wagg'd their heads, did it only but in waggery.

230.

Two Gentlemen it seems one night quar∣relled at gaming, and over-night one sent the other a challenge to meet him by Six a clock to morrow morning at such a place, upon his honour: Hang honour, says he, for we both are but worshipful; and withall tell him, 'tis not my custom (and I also know 'tis not his) to rise before Eleven or Twelve a Clock, and bid him consider with himself whe∣ther we should break our rest to break our limbs? The other sent him word, that if he did not meet him, he'd Post him. Well, says he, tell him if he does, I'll ride Post out of Town, and there stay till his fury is over. So we see that some are in post-haste to fight, and some in post-haste to ride a∣way.

231.

One askt another of his Companions at a Coffee-house, What was the meaning of this Proverb, viz. The City for wealth and the Country for health? He told him it was

preposterous, for you know there's more Healths drank in the City than in all the Country agen. Why, says he, that makes for the Proverb, for if they drink away their healths they can never be well: but the truth is, that the wealth of the Country being brought into the City, is the occasion of so much drinking of Healths.

232.

Also there's another Proverb which speaks very p••t, viz. Sleep without supping, and health will follow: yet I must ingeniously confess, that I never saw a man sup in his sleep, Yes, says t'other, 'tis many suppings many times that makes him sleep; and commonly after supping a great many healths do fol∣low.

233.

One was saying, That the body is more drest than the soul; But I deny that, says his Friend, for the Body and Soul of a Goose are both drest alike, and together; and the Body of a Sole-fish is not drest by piece-meals, but altogether: Truly, says t'other, I think you are solely in the right; Nay tis true, I would not so-lie as you do every day for a great deal.

234.

A good and vertuous Woman was told by a Lawyers Clerk, that lived in that Coun∣try-Town

where she dwelt, That when he was at London last, there was a Law made, that all labouring men that were Cuckolds, were to have four pounds a year allow'd them out of the Shire where they liv'd. Well, says she, this is comfortable news, I am sure my poor husband take as much pains as any man, and four pounds a year will do us a cour∣tesie these hard times. Then she askt him how many times doing would make a man a Cuckold; He told her by this new Law three times would. Nay then, says she, I am well enough, for I am sure my poor Hus∣band will receive his pension.