Proteus redivivus, or, The art of wheedling or insinuation obtain'd by general conversation and extracted from the several humours, inclinations, and passions of both sexes, respecting their several ages, and suiting each profession or occupation / collected and methodized by the author of the first part of the English rogue.

CHAP. VIII. The Practicing APOTHECARY;

IN Galens time, and many Ages after him; Medicines, for their greater secrecy, were prepared and composed by Physicians only; but people growing numerous, and diseases encreasing by intemperance, their multiplicity imposed a necessity upon Physicians (being un∣able to attend all their Patients as formerly) to dismember their Art into three Parts, the servile into Chyrurgery and Pharmacy.

The Physician (as I said before) having va∣riety of Patients, and having not leisure to make up his own Medicines, caused his ser∣vant to setch them already prepared from the Apothecary, and from thence to convey them to the Patient, by which means the Apothe∣cary was kept in ignorance, as to the Appli∣cation and Use of the said Medicines, not being suffered to be acquainted with the Pa∣tient, nor the Diseases, lest they should pre∣sume to venture on Practice. In time, the Physicians honour and vast riches in the eye of the Chyrurgion and Apothecary, proved seeds sown in their minds, that budded into Ambition of becoming Master, and inro co∣vetousness

of equalling them in wealth, both which they thought themselves capable e∣nough of aspiring to by an Empyrical skill, the neglect of their Masters had given them occasion to attain unto, for they sent them to their Patients with Medicines, and did en∣trust them with the preparation of their greatest secrets.

This trust they soon betrayed, for having insinuated into a familiar acquaintance with their Patients, perswaded them, that those that had made and dispensed the Medicines, were able to apply them to the like distem∣pers, as well as they that had prescribed them; by this means they arrived to a Co∣partnership with their Masters in reputati∣on, title and estate, and having got enough, they scorn to take pains by manual operati∣on, as formerly, but leap boldly out of a shop into a Doctorship. The Booksellers original in some measure runs parallel with the Apo∣thecaries: Before Printing was there was Book-binding, for what Manuscripts were then in being, were made publick by tran∣scribing them, by certain Clerks writing a good Hand, and made a livelihood there∣of; the written Books were convey'd to the Binder, who bound them after what manner the Owner directed him, as Authors

and Books encreased, so did his profit by his Trade, insomuch that some of these Bind∣ers g w rich, and purchased so many Ma∣nuscripts as to furnish a Shop indifferently according to those times, and dying left their sons well stockt; but Printing come∣ing in, broke the neck of the writing Clerks, but yet gave a considerable lift to the rising Book-binder, who not only bound for others but himself, and Printing his own Copies, had work enough to do to bind his own books, his stock encreasing by the benefit of Printing, it was business enough for him to minde his Shop, and see that his servants pleas'd his Customers, and now resolves to work no more: His sewing-Press lies moul∣dy in the Garret, his Plow neglected lies, and his Knives rust; the skrews of his standing and his cutting-Presses have forgot their wonted duty, and stubbornly won't stir an inch for any; his Marble-moody-beating∣stone weeps incessantly to see the weighty Hammer lie rusting in a corner unregard∣ed: In short, if he work it is for his pleasure, and what pains he takes now and then in binding of a book is his Pa∣stime. The Sonne after his Fathers De∣cease scornes the mean Title of a Book∣binder, and therefore employs others,

and is henceforward stil'd a Bookseller; and the rest of his Brethren, who are able, follow his example. Thus, as Binding formerly was the Rise of a lazy Bookseller, so many a Do∣ctor now adays had formerly a hand in scou∣ring the skillets, and having with slavery and difficulty served his time, set up, but ha∣ving very little interest in the Doctors of the Colledge, and other Grandees, whose single Practice is enough to make an Apothecary, he takes pet, and leaving his shop out of spight, takes at first a Chamber, and hangs it with Pots, Glasses, Boxes, &c. and the ru∣ines or remains of his broken Profession, and by them and his Bills gets the reputation of an able Doctor.

And now give me leave to touch a little upon his Wheedles. Suppose your self to be troubled with any distemper, it matters not which, for all is one to him, or his like you send to; upon his Arrival he feels your Pulse, and with a fixt eye on your counte∣nance tells you your spirits are low, and ther∣fore it is high time for a Cordial. The next Interrogatory he gravely puts to you, as, When were you at stool, Sir? If not to day, he pro∣mises to send you a Laxative-Glister by and by; and if you complain you have a Loosness, then in stead of one Laxative,

he will send you two healing Glisters: if besides, you intimate a pain in your sto∣mach, back and sides; then responding to each pain you shall have a stomach-Plaister, another for the right and left side, and ano∣ther for the back, and so you are like to be well patched or clowted every way.

Now before we proceed, let us compute the charges of the first day: Here is a Cor∣dial composed by the directions of an old du∣sty Bill on his File, out of two or three mu∣stie Waters, especially if it be towards the latter end of the year, it be a Citron, a Bor∣rage, & a Bawm water, all very full of spirits, if River-water may be so accounted; To these is to be added an ounce of that mira∣culous Treacle-water, then to be dissolved, an ounce of Confectio Alkermes, and an ounce of nauseous Syrup of Clove-gilly-flowers; this being well shaken in the Viol, you shall spy a great quantity of Gold swimming in leaves up and down, for which your Consci∣ence would be burdened, should you give him less then five shillings for it; from the mean∣est Tradesman, without the least abatement, he expects three shillings six pence. The Glister shall be prepared out of two or three handfuls of Mallow-leaves, and an ounce of common Fennil-seed, boil'd in water to a

Pint, which strained, shall be thickned with the common Lenitive-Electuary, Rape-Oyl and brown Sugar, and seasoned with Salt; This shall be conveyed into your Guts by this young Doctors man, through an Instrument he commonly carries about him, which makes him smell so whole∣som, for which piece of service, if you present your Engineer below half a Crown, he will think himself worse dealt with then those who empty the Close-stool-Pan. The Master places to account for the Gut-Medicine (though it were no more then water and salt, and for the use of his man which he calls Porteridge) eight groats. Item, for a Stomachick, Hepatick, Splene∣tick and Nephretick Plaister, for each half a Crown. The next Afternoon or Evening returns the Doctor-Apothecary himself to give you a visit, for should he appear in the Morning, it would argue he had little to do, and finding upon ex∣amination you are rather worse than better, by reason those Plaisters caused a melting of the gross humours about the bowels, and dissolved them into winds and vapours, which fuming to the head, cause there a great paine with dulness and drowsiness, and part of 'em being dis∣persed

through the Guts and Belly, dis∣commode you with a Cholick, a swelling of the Belly, and an universal pain or las∣sirude in all your Limbs; thus you see one day makes work for another. How∣ever he hath the wit to Wheedle you in∣to an opinion that they are the signs of the operation of Yesterdays means, begin∣ning to move and dissolve the humours; which successful work is to be promoted by a cordial Apozem, the repetition of a Carminitive Glister, another cordial to take by Spoonfulls, and because your sleep hath been interrupted, by the unquietness of swelling humours, he will endeavour to procure you for this next night a Truce with your disease by an Hyprotick po∣tion, that shall occasion rest. Neither will he give you other cause then to im∣agine him a most careful man. and so circumspect that scarce a symptom shall escape his particular regard, and there∣fore to remove your Head-ach by re∣tracting the humours, he will order his young Mercury to apply a Vesicatory to the Nape of your Neck, and with a warm hand to besmear your belly and all your joynts, with a good comfortable Ointment for to appease your paines.

The Cordial Apozem is a Decoction that shall derive its vertue from two or three un∣favoury Roots, as many Herbs and Seeds, with a little Syrup of Gilly-flowers, for three or four times taking, which because you shall not undervalue, by having it brought to you all in one Glass, you shall have it sent in so many Viols and Draughts, and for every one of 'em shall be placed three shillings to your account, which is five parts more then the whole stands him in; for the Cordial potion as much, and as much for the Hyprotick; the like price for the Carminative Glister; and for the Epispatick Plaister a shilling. Thus with the increase of your disease, you may see the increase of your Bill. The third day producing an addition of new symptoms, and an augmentation of the old ones, the Patient stands in need of new comfort from his Do∣ctor, who tells him that Nature begins to work more strong, and therefore all things go well; but because Nature requires all pos∣sible assistance from Cordials and small Eva∣cuations, he must expect the same Cordials o∣ver again, but with the addition of greater Ingredients, it may be Magistery of Pearl, or Oriental Bezoar in powder, the former being ofttimes but Mother of Pearl dissolv'd in distil∣led Vinegar, the latter a Cheat the Armenians

put upon the Christians, by ramming Pebbles down a Goats throat, afterwards killing him, and extracting the stones before witness out of his Maw, which they sell for those rare Bezoars, whereof the quantity of fifteen Grains hath been taken by a Child of a year old, that lay ill of the Small Pox, without the least effect of Sweat, or any expulsion through the Pores. And besides, the repetition of a Glister, and the renewing of your Plaisters for the profit of your Physician, you must be per∣swaded to accept of a comfortable Electu∣ary for the stomach, to promote digestion; of a Collusion to wash the slime and filth of your Tongue, and to secure your Gums from the Scurvey; of a Melilot plaister to apply to the blister that was drawn the night be∣fore; of some spirit of Salt to drop into your beer at meals; of three pills of Ruffi to be swallowed down that night, and three next morning, which possibly may pleasure you with three stools, but are to be computed as two Doses, each at a shilling: the spirit of Salt a Crown the ounce; for the Stomach-Electuary as much, for the Glister as before, for your Cordial in relation to the Pearl and Bezoar, their weight in Gold, which is two pence a Grain, the greatest cheat of all; for dressing of your blister a shilling, for the

plaister as formerly. Now if you shall re∣flect on the Total, that shall arise out of this Arithmetical progression of charge of a Fort∣nights physick, modestly computed, at fifteen shillings a day, without the inclusion of what you please to present him for his care, trouble, and attendance. I will not harbour so ill an opinion of him, or give so r'gid a censure as your self shall, upon the following Oration, your Glister-pipe-Doctor delivers to you with a Melancholy Accent in these terms: Sir, I have made use of my best skill and indeavours, my Master was one of the ablest Apothecaries in and about London, whom I faithfully and carefully ser∣ved eight years, in which time, and since I have administred for my self, I have seen the best pra∣ctice of our London Physicians, and Ile assare you I have given you the best Cordialls that can be prescribed, yet all will not do, your case is dange∣rous, and I think if you send for such a one, Do∣ctor—he is an eminent man, and one I know very well. Now would I fain know how the Patients pulse doth beat, to hear this pra∣cticing Apothecary preach him his Funeral Sermon whilst he is yet living, and the loss of his money cannot but add to his pain, had he not at first been penny-wise and pound fool∣ish, he might have prevented all this by sending for a Physician, who for the small

merit of a City-Fee, would have struck at the root of the Distemper, without tam∣pering at its symptomes and branches; and now should this Apothecary be cald to an account, as to what he hath administred, he shall answer (I warrant you) that he hath given him nothing but Cordials, which word Cordial, he supposes to be a sufficient prote∣ction for his erroneous Wheedling-pra∣ctice. Should this his Cordial-Method be continued in a Fever, or any other a∣cute distemper, for eight or ten days, the Patients Heires would have been particu∣larly obliged to him for giving him so Cordial a remove out of his posses∣sion.

Lest I should be accused of Partiality, by concealing what may be pleaded, for the pra∣ctice of Apothecaries, I shall conclude this Chapter with a short Apologie; for so doing, in the first place consider that many a substan∣tial Citizen may have the ill luck to have a servant taken sick in his house, why should he upon every slight occasion or accident fling away ten shillings on a Doctor, when an Apothecary, at a venture, by Vomit, Purge or Glister, may for the charge of a shilling or two remove the Distemper,

his success herein sometimes makes him bold and confident, especially considering that he practices on his inferiours, for if they miscarry he excuses whatever error he hath committed, by asserting he was importuned, or rather forced to it by their Master. On the other side, should an Apothecary, being thus called unto a sick servant, or a mean Trades∣man, whose condition by reason of his charge of Family is little better, refuse this assist∣ance, disobliges the Master, loses the practice of his Family, and turning away his Patient, shall immediately send to the next, who shall most willingly embrace the employ; whence may be observed, the one necessarily fpurs on the other to practice, and he that can wheadle best skrews himself into most Families. A third import greater then any of the former is, that Doctors all or most, being tied to particular Apothecaries, prescribe their bills in terms so obscure, that they force all chance Patients to repair to their own Apothecaries, pretending a particular secret, which only they have the Key to unlock, whereas in ef∣fect, it is no more then the commonest of Medicines, disguised under an unusual name, on design to direct them to an Apothecary, between whom and the Physician there is a private compact of going snips, out of the

most unreasonable rates of the said Medicines, wherein if a redress be sought by shewing the bill to the Doctor, he shall most religiously aver, it is the cheapest he ever read, the con∣sequence whereof is a double fraud, but they have greater, or it would never be said, Three goed Patients in the Spring makes the Doctors Pot boil all the Year.

And as to the Apothecaries in general, their number bearing the proportion of at least ten parts to one of noted Physicians, to whom allowing each his Covenant-Apothecary, who constituting but one part of the ten, the remaining nine parts of the number, are com∣pelled either to sit still, or to Quack for a livelihood; or at least eight of 'em, for we'll one part of the nine in a possibility of acquiring competent estates, in a way more honest then that of the Covenanteers, by their whole-sale trade of fitting Chyrurgions Chests for sea, and supplying Countrey-A∣pothecaries with Compositions.

And now to conclude, I must not omit the injuries the Covenant-Apothecary does, not only to the ignorant Patient, but the learned Physician, by his ignoble wheedling and insi∣nuation. Being sent for by a Patient, after a short Essay of a Cordial, he instantly over∣powers him by persuasion, to call in a Doctor

who shall be no other then his Covenant-Physician, by which means the former Phy∣sician, that by his extraordinary care and skill had obliged the Family before, shall be passed by, and lose the practice of that Patient. And should it happen, the sense of gratitude of the forementioned Patient, should engage him to continue the use of his former Physician, yet this Covenant-Apo∣thecary shall privately cavil at every Bill, and impute the appearance of every new small pain or symptom, (which necessarily in the course of a Disease will happen) to his ill Address in the Art of Physick, and shall not give over before he hath introduced his Covenanteer, whose authority in the fraud of a Physick-bill he supposes to be most ne∣cessary.

I might have insisted on the excellency of form and feature of an Apothecary, rela∣ting how many advantages he hath over o∣thers of his occupation, that hath a face and body so well qualified; but since it is of general use to all Wheedles whatsoe∣ver, I shall say no more then this, that if an Apothecary be handsom and young, he hath an infinite influence over all the Fe∣males wheree're he comes, and rather then be without bewitching visits, they will

be sick on purpose; if sick some are, the sight of him works more healingly then his physick, and in their hot distempers, were it not for shame, they would de∣prive the Women of their wonted Of∣fice, and none should administer them a cool∣ing Glister but himself.