CHAP. III.

BEing about 5. years of age, Report rendred me a very beautiful Childe, neither did it (as most commonly) prove a Lyar. Being enricht with all the good properties of a good face, had not pride in that my render age, depriv'd me of those graces and choise ornaments which compleat both form and feature. Thus it happen'd, My Father kept com∣monly many Turkeys; one amongst the rest could not endure the fight of a Red Coat, which I usually wore: But that which most of all exasperated my budding passion, was, his assaulting my bread and butter, and in stead thereof, sometimes my hands; which caused my bloomy Revenge to use this Stratagem: I enticed him with a piece of Custard (which I temptingly shewed him, not without some suspition of danger which fear suggested, might attend my treachery, and so led him to the Or∣chard-gate, which was made to shut with a pulley; he reaching in his head after me, I immediately clapt fast the Gate, and so surprized my mortal Foe: Then did I use that llttle strength I had, to beat his brains out with my Cat-stick; which being done, deplum'd his tayl, sticking those feathers in my Bonnet, as the insulting Trophies of my first and latest Conquest. Such then was my pride, as I Page  17 nothing but gazed up at them; which so tried the weakness of my eyes, and so strain'd the Optick Nerves, that they ran a tilt at one another, as if they contended to share with me in my victory. This accident was no small trouble to my Mother, that so doated on me, that I have often heard her say, She forgot to eat (when I sat at Table) for admiring the sweetness of my Complexion. After she had much grieved her self to little purpose, she consulted with patience, and applied her self to skilful Occulists, to repair the loss this face-blemishing had done so sweet a countenance, though for the present it eclipsed my Mothers glory and pride, yet Time and Art reduced my eyes to their proper station; so that within six Years their oblique aspects were hardly discernable. When I was about ten Years old, I have heard some say, that this cast of my eyes was so far from being a detriment, that it be∣came my ornament. Experience confirm'd me in this belief; for they prov'd as powerful, as the per∣swasive arguments of my deluding tongue; both which conjoyn'd, were sufficient (I speak it not vain gloriously) to prevail even over the Goddess of Chastity, especially when they were backt on with ardent desires, and an undaunted resolution But to my purpose: Being driven out of Ireland, there being at that time no place of safety in that King∣dom, my Mother taking me with her, (being com∣pelled to leave my Father behind, barbarously mur∣dered by the Rebels for being a Protestant Preacher) she adventured to Sea, not caring whither she went. Foulness of weather drove us upon the Coast of France, where we were forced to land, to repair what damage the Ship had sustained in stress of weather. Page  18 From hence we set sail, and landed in the West of England, at a place called Barnstable in the County of Devon. Here we were joyfully received, and well entertained by some of my Mothers kindred at first; but lying upon them, they at length grew weary; so that we were forced to go from thence to Plimouth, so called from the River Plime, unto which the Town adjoyneth; at that time it was strongly fortified by new rais'd Works, a Line being cast about it, besides places of strength antiently built; as the Castle, the Fort of an hundred pieces of Ordnance, that com∣mands Cat-water, and overlooks the Sound, Mount Batten, and the Islands in the Sound, well furnished with Men and great Guns impregnable; had they been never built or demolished, raced assoon as rai∣sed on their Basis, it had been much better then to have prov'd the Fomenters of Rebellion in the late Wars for a whole year, daily thundring Treason against their lawful Soveraign. We being here al∣together unacquainted both with the people and their profestion, my Mother having an active brain, casts about with her self how she should provide for her charge, but sound no way more expedient, than the pretention of Religion. Zeal now and Piety were the onely things sheseem'd to prosecute, taking the literal sense of the Text; Without doubt Godliness is great gain: But she err'd much in the profession and seasonable practice thereof; Hers being accor∣ding to the mind of the true Church, the Church of England, whereas the Plymotheans were at that time Heterodox thereunto, and led away as the rest of their Brethren called Roundheads, by the spirit of delusion. Finding how much she was mistaken, the chang'd quickly her No•…e and Coat; a rigid Page  19 Presbyterian at first, but that proving not so profita∣ble, instantly transform'd her self into a strickt Inde∣pendant. This took well, which made her stick close to the Brethren, which rais'd their spirits to make frequent contribution in private to supply her wants. Here we had borrowed so much of the Sisterhood▪ who vildly suspected my Mother to be too dearly beloved by the Brotherhood, that it was high time to rub off to another place, left staying longer, the holy Mask of Dissimulation should fall off; and she being detected, be shamefully excluded their Con∣gregation, and so delivered up to be buffeted by Sa∣tan. Before I leave the Town, give me leave to take a short view thereof. Eorn•…erly it was a poor small fishing Village, but now so large and throng'd with Inhabitants (many where of very wealthy Merchants) that as it may be compared with, so may it put in its claim for the name of a City. Havens, as there are many so commodious, which without striking sail, admit into the bosome there of the tallest Ships that be, harbouring them very safely, and is ex∣cellently well fortified against hostility. It is sci∣tuate alike for profit and pleasure; in brief, it wants little that the heart of man would enjoy, from the various productions of the whole Universe. Now farewel Plymoth, no matter whither we went, for where-ever we came; we found still some or other that gave us entertainment for those good parts they found in my Mother, she being very well read both in Divinity and History, and having an •…loquent tongue, she commonly appli'd her self to the Mi∣nister of the Town; who wondring to see so much learning and perfection in a Woman, either took us into his own house for a while, or gathered some Page  20 contributions to supply our present necessities; with which we travelled to the next Town: And in this manner we strouled or wandred up and down, being little better than mendicant Itinerants. Stay∣ing so little time in a place, and my Mother being more careful to get a subsistance, than to season my tender years with the knowledge of Letters, I was ten years old before I could read. Travelling through many Towns unfit for our purpose, we at last took up our seat for a while at Birdport in Dor∣se•…shire, here being asham'd to go to School in this ignorance, I apply'd my self to my Mother, who taught me to apprehend the Alphabet in less hours than there are letters; so that in a short time, I could read distinctly, and immediately introduc'd into the Grammar-School; where I had not been long, be∣fore I became a Book-worm, securing as many as lay in my way, if convenient privacie serv'd. And to the intent that my Thests might pass undiscovered, before I would vend what Books I had stoln, I usual∣ly metamorphized them: If new, I would gash their skin; and if the leaves were read, I would make them look pale for the wounds they received: If much used, tear out all the remarks, and paint their old faces, and having so done, make sale of them. This course I followed a long time undiscovered, which cost many a Boy a Whipping at home by their Parents, as well as Master. I had various uses for my money I made thereof (you must think) but princi∣pally to bribe some of the upper Form to make my Exercises; which were so well liked of by my Master, that I still came off with applause; and in short time so advanc'd, that I was next to the highest Form, when I understood not the lowest Author we read. Page  21 I was forced to imploy my Wits in the management of my hands, to keep rouch with my Pensioners, left they failing me for want of encouragement, my Master should discover how much my Dunceship was abused. Frequent were my Truantings, which were always attended with some notorious Fact besides small Faults, as robbing of Orchards, pulling the first and seconds of forty or fifty Geese at a time, milking the Cows or Goats into my Hat, and so drink the milk: And then for Poultry, there was seldome a day escaped wherein I had not more or less, usually I took them thus: At night I haunted the Hen-roosts, taking them off so quietly from what they stood on, that their keckling noise seldome alarm'd the rest; if I could not conveniently carry them off, I made their Eggs compound for their Heads. If I met with any Geese at any time, them out came my short stick with a string fastened to a bullet, and tied to the end thereof, with this would I fetch in my Game by the neck; the weight of the bullet twirling the string so many times about the neck, that they could not di•…ingage themselves from inevitable destru∣ction. I used to fish for Ducks, baiting my Hook with a gut or some such trash; and laying it on a piece of Corke, that swiming it might be the sooner per∣ceived, I could carch in a short time as many as I pleased: Nay, I have not onely thus deceived these •…ame Fowl; but the same way with a longer time, I have caught Gulls and other Sea-Birds. What I had gotten by these cunning (and so much to be feared tricks) I carried to a house that encouraged me in my Roguery, participating of the cheer, and so fea∣sting me for my pains. If I had stoln any thing, I had my recourse to them, who would give me two pence Page  22 for what was worth a shilling, and render me good content. I knew my punishment for my rambling, and valued it not; therefore little hope of reforma∣tion from thence. Nay, for very small faults I wisht to be whipt, knowing the Rod would then be laid on gently; which carried with it a tickling pleasure. As for my Thefts and Rogueries abroad, I was care∣ful they should not be discovered. If any Boy had injur'd me whose strength exceeded mine, so that I durst not cope with him, I would exercise my re∣venge upon him privately, concealing the resent∣ment of the injury he did me; For to grin and not bire, doth but perswade an Adversary to knock out those teeth that may prove sometime or other inju∣rious. One common trick I had, was to stick a Pin on the board whereon he was to sit: in this manner did I serve several; in which fact I was at last taken; The punishment my Master inflicted on me, was: To sit by his Desk alone, and compose a Copy of Ver∣ses; there was great likelihood I should perform my task, when I knew not how many feet an Hexameter required; and yet I then read Virgil. However some thing I must attempt, and thinking Saphicks, and Iambicks too difficult, I ventur'd upon Heroicks, sup∣posing them the easier composition. But Lord into what an excess of laughter did my Master fall into, when he perused my hobling strains; Surely said he, these Verses are running a race altogether, the first did not start fairly, or else is a very nimble Gentle∣man, for he hath out-run all his fellows four feet? the second comes two soot short of him, yet too forward for a true pace; here is another lame in a foot, and 〈◊〉 most scurvily; here is another whose quanti∣•… is short, and hath gotten upon stilts to seem long, Page  23 and one (in contradiction to him) which is long, because he will be short hath cut his own Legs off: With these and the like speeches did he please him∣self in his own wit, (which I understood but little) and after he had tired himself and me too, with pro∣digal talk: He then spake to me in a harder dialect, making me understand how ignorant I was, and how much precious time (irrecoverably) I had lost, which so much seiz'd on my spirits, that I was much griev'd and troubled, so that he made Vermilion tears run down my cheeks, &c. After he had bestowed so much correction as he thought might work in me peni∣tence for my egregious truanting he degraded me, and made me begin anew. The shame whereof, and reproach I daily received from my School-fellows, I could not bear; wherefore I prevailed on my Mo∣thers Indulgence, to let me regain what I had lost at home, which she consented to. But perceiving my Lecherous inclinations, by my night-practises with her Maid, resolved to send me to a Boarding School: For our Family being but small, I lay with the Maid: being so young, my Mother did not in the least suspect me; but my too forward Lechery would not let me lie quiet, putting her frequently to the squeak. In sine, I was sent away a great di∣stance to a very severe and rigid Master. I no sooner commenced Scholar to this Tyrant Pedagogue, but I was kept close to my Book; and lest my Wit should be any ways dull'd, my stomack was always kept sharp; which quickned my invention, to sup∣ply what was deficient. There is no complaint so in∣sufferable as the grumbling of empty and dissatisfied Guts. My greatest care was to infinuate my self into the favour of the Servant-Maids, knowing they lov'd Page  24 to play at Small Game rather than stick out. I per∣formed my business so well, that my stomack was al∣wayes satiated, when the rest of the Boarders were dissatisfied; often going to bed in a manner supper∣less. Here I was depriv'd of my old pilfering way, because I had no convenience for the disposal of what was stole, it being but a very small Village. However to keep my hand in use, I daily practised on Fruit, sometimes with a Spar sharpned at one end, I prickt the Apples out of the Baskets: at other times I took with me a Comrade, and then thus would we do. I would go to a Fruiterer and bar∣gain with him for a penny worth or more of Apples, receiving them into my Hat, pretending to draw my money out, I did clap my Hat between my Legs, my Partner perceiving that (as we had afore plotted it would be) behind, snatcht it through my Legs and ran away with it, I thereupon did use to roar out as if I had been undone, and pretending to run after him to regain my Hat, we got out of sight and then shared the booty. One time coming along the Market, I saw a small basket of Cherries, I demanded of the woman that sold them, what she would have for as many as I could take up in my hand; she look∣ing upon it and seeing it was but a very small one, proportionable to my Stature, two pence said she; with that, I laid her down her price, and took up basket and all the Cherries therein contain'd, and in a sober pace carried them away. The woman amaz∣ed that she should be thus surprized by such a Youn∣ker, followed me; and making a great noise, gather∣ed a conflux of people about us, and among the rest a Gentleman of quality, who was very earnest to know what the matter was: Holding my purchase fast Page  25 in my hands (for nothing could perswade me to let go that booty I had so fairly obtained) I desired the Gentleman that he would be judge of my cause, whereupon I related to him in what manner I bar∣gained with the woman, and that I had done nothing unjustly, but what was according to our contract. The Gentleman wondring at the pregnancy of wit in so tender an age, laught hear•…ily, and condemn'd the Cherries for my proper use, but withal paid the woman for them. I was naturally so prone to please my senses, so that I cared not what course I took that I might obtain my desires. I appli'd my self more to my Wit and invention, than I should have done, had I had any thing allowed me from a Friend for a mo∣derate expence. But my Mother thought otherwise. knowing by infallible symptoms, the extravagant∣ness of my inclinations, and therefore debard me as much she could the very fight of money. A Ri∣ver confined within some made Bank, deterring its natural course, will (when that is overthrown which impeded its progress) flow with the greater impetuosity: Youth may for a while be cir∣cumscribed as to its desires; but if his inclination prompt him to the enjoyment of sensual delights, sooner or later he will raste their relish; and better early than late. Before the Noon of his days ap∣proach, Experience may reform his Life and Con∣versation; though from the Dawning Morning there∣of, till the Meridian, his Actions have been nothing else but the Extract of all manner of Debauchery. But ('tis commonly observed): That Man which in the Declination of Age tracks the by-paths of Vice and Licentiousness, seldome defists till Deaths cuts off his passage; never leaving off doting on such false Page  26 and immaginary pleasures, till the Grim Pale-•…ac't Messenger takes him napping. Thus much by way of digression.

Our Master was very ancient, however resolv'd that his Age should not hinder his Teaching: for if he found himself indisposed, he would send for us all into his Bed Chamber, instructing us there: A man of so strange a temper, that he delighted to invert the course of Nature; lying in bed by day, and walk∣ing in the night, the rain seldome deterring him. On a time above the rest, a Gentleman had sent his Son five pieces of Gold to give his Master for Diet, &c. Our Master receiving them, called for a small Ca∣binet that stood in the room, which I (more officious than the rest) brought him. Having put in the Gold, he commanded me to carry it from whence I had it: which I did; well considering the weight thereof, being, though small, very heavy. The Devil presently became my Tutor, suggesting to my thoughts va∣rious ways for the gaining this money. At last I re∣solved to take the impression of the Key in wax; which with much difficulty I obtain'd, and carried it to a Smith four miles distant. The old Fellow (im∣mediately upon my proposal) suspected me; (doubt∣less he was acquainted with such kind of devices) and questioning me what I intended thereby, I was for∣ced to betake my self to my Legs for safety, not knowing what answer to make him. The Smith seeing me run, thinking to benefit himself by appre∣hending me pursued after, with a red hot iron in his hand which his haste had made him forget to lay aside; one standing by me (just as the Smith had almost overtaken me) seeing him come running with a hot iron in his hand, and fearing left his Page  27 blind passion might prompt him to mischief me, struck up his heels, who in the fall gave himself a burnt mark in the hand, which no doubt he had long agoe dese•…'d; my unknown friend would not suf∣fer him to rise, till I was out of sight. My first stra∣tagem not suiting with my purpose, I try'd a Pick∣lock of mine own invention: but that would not effect my design neither; so that I concluded to take Cabinet and all, and in order thereunto watcht my opportunity when he should walk abroad according to his custom at night. It was not long ere I enjoyed my wishes. My masters custom was to walk abroad at nights, and sleep in the day time; inverting the course of Nature: soreknowing his intention, I got into the Chamber, and conceald my self under the Bed. So finding my way clear, I convey'd my self and purchase out of the House; and travelled all night. In the morning I found my self near a small Town, about sixteen miles distant from the place whence I came. Thinking my self now secure, I thought it very requisite here to repose my wearied Limbs, and solace my self with the sight of what I had gotten: but it was not long after that I was so lac'd for it, that comparatively to my punishment, Bridewel whipping is but a pastime. The first Bush I came at, I went in and called for Sack, having never tasted any, and hearing much talk thereof; at which the people of the House much admired, that so small an Urchin as I should call for such costly Liquor. They viewed me very intuitively, but more especially the Cabinet, which caused them to suspect me. The Ma∣ster of the house was acquainted herewith, who as the Devil would have it was a Puritan, and a Conestable too too officious and severe. Without craving par∣don for his bold intrusion, he desired me I would Page  28 admit him into my Boy-ships society. I confess his gray hairs and sowre countenance made me at first sight, very much fear what the event of his visit would prove: However with a seeming undaunted∣ness, I drank to him (but what a difference of taste there was in that and the first glass I drank Solus: at length he began to ask me divers questions, Whence I came? Whither I was going? What was contained within that Cascanet? and the like. Before I could give the resolution of what they demanded, the Hue and Cry overtook me: presently I was laid hold on. And my treasure taken from me: that which vext me as much as my Surprizal was, I had no further time to try what kind of taste the Sack had. Various were the talk of the people, every one spending his Verdict on me. This is a prime young Rogne indeed to begin thus soon, said one; could be have seen, when in his Mothers belly, surely be would have stoln something thence. Another said, Forward fruit was soon rotten; and since I began to steal whilest a child, I should be han∣ged before I should write Man. Ready to die with fear, I was sent back to the place whence I came, and from thence to the place of Execution, had not the tender∣ness of my age, and fewness of years, procured pity from my injur'd master. Confin'd I was within his house, lockt up close Prisonner in a Chamber, till that he could acquaint my Mother with what had past. In this time I was not debarr'd of my sustenance, though my Commons were Epitomiz'd, neither was I altogether deprived of society, for I was daily visited by my Master, attended with a Cat of Nine∣tails (as he call'd it) being so many small cords, with which he fley'd my buttocks; and when he found me stubborn, or not penitent enough as he thought, after Page  29 he had skin'd my podex, he would wash it with vi∣negar, or water and salt. Within a week my Mother arriv'd, who hearing of my Rogueries, was so impa∣tient, that she would needs take me to task her self; but when she had untrust me, and saw me in so woful a plight, my shirt being as stiff as Buckram with blood, and my tender Breech plow'd and harrowed, fell down as if she had been about to expire recovering, my Master endeavoured to pacifie her, by telling her, that great offences, required great punishments; and the way to bend and Oak, is to do it whilst its young; I had once when young (said he) a Spaniel which would find out the Hens nest, and breaking the Eggs suck them, so that we could never have any Chic∣kens, at last discovering who was the malefactour; I bethougt my self of this punishment which should hinder him from ever doing •…he like. I got an Egg roasted so hard till the shell was ready to burn, then did I first show the Egg to the Dog, and then clapt it hot into his mouth holding his jaws close, this so tor∣mented him by burning, that ever after he could not indure the sight thereof; but if shown run away ciying as if he had been beaten. Thus for this noto∣rious fact your Son must be so sharply chastized, that when he thinks of stealing, he shall remember those torments he once indured for it, and so frighten him from executing any such crime. Many more argu∣ments he alleadg'd to that purpose, which had satis∣fied her well in his severity, had not natural affection interposed. Whatto do with me, she knew not; where∣fore she consulted with my Master, who told her, He durst not keep me longer, the Country people bringing in daily complaints against me. And to aggravate my Mother the more, he briefly summ'd up my faults Page  30 in this manner; having had justly various accusers, who drew up my indictment, Thus.

Imprimis, That one of his Maids having crost me (to be reveng'd of her, knowing she was a drowsie wench, when asleep, not easily wak't) as she slept by the fire, I took my opportunity, and melted some glew, and gently toucht the closure of both her eye∣lids with a pencil which well I knew would lock up her sight. Against the time I intended to wake her, I placed all about her Chairs and Stools. The Plot being ripe, I pretended her Mistriss called. The wench starting up and running rubbing of her eyes turn'd ropsie turvy over the chairs, getting up she engag'd her self with the stools, and so entang∣led her self therein, that endeavouring to free her self, her coats acted the part of Traytors, in disco∣vering the hidden secrets and Arcanas belonging to her sex: and that with much satisfaction I had seen the execution of my revenge. That this wench could not be perswaded by any means, but that as a judgment she was stricken blind for some sin she had committed privately, which then her Consci∣ence did whisper in her ear, and undoubtedly had turn'd Lunatick had she not been speedily restored to her sight by taking off the glew, which was done with much difficulty. That he going about to cor∣rect me for this unlucky and mischievous fact, was by me shown a very shitten trick, which put him into a stinking condition; for having made my self laxative, on purpose squirted into his face upon the first lash given. That being upon boys backs, ready to be whipt, I had often bit holes in their ears. That another time firreverencing in a paper, and running to the window with it, which lookt out into the yard •…oy aged Mistress looking up to see who opened the Page  31 Casement, I had lik'd to have thrown it into her mouth; however for a time deprived her of that little sight she had left. That another time I had watcht some lusty young Girles, that used in Summer-nights about twelve a clock, to wash themselves in a small brook near adjacent, and that I had concealed my self behind a Bush, and when they were stript, took away their cloathes, making them daunce home af∣ter me stark naked, to the view of their sweet-hearts, whom I had planted in a place appointed for that purpose, having given them before notice of my de∣sign. A great many more such tricks he recounted, which he knew, but not the tenth of what he knew not. As for example, on Christmass-day, we had a pot of Plumb-broth, I askt the maid to give me a taste, to see how I lik'd them, I that I should, she said, (this was the maid I had so serv'd before with glew) and with that, takes up a ladle full, and bid me sup, she holding the ladle in her own hand, I imprudently opening my mouth somwhat larger then I should, she poured down the scalding Pottage through my throat: at present I could not tell the Jade (that laught till she held her sides) how I lik'd them; but I verity believ'd I had swallowed the Gunpowder-Plot, expecting every moment to be blown up. I took as little notice of this passage, as possibly I could, re∣solving to, retalliate her kindness when she least thought ont. I observ'd the maid to carry this plumb pottage-por into the yard, and taking notice that the weight of the Jack was in the same yard wound up a great height under a smal Pent-house, the Jack being down I suddenly removed the weight, and fastened the Pot to the line; so going into the Kit∣ching, wound it up to the top, and then stopt it, Page  32 for the meat was taken up. The house was all in an uproar instantly about the Por, every one admiring what should become ofit: The maid averred, that she saw it even now, and none could remove it but the Devil. Others asserted (which were infected with Puritanism) that it was a Judgment shown for the superstitious observation of that Festival day; but the next day, roasting Meat, this seeming Miracle vanished by the descending of the Pot fastened to the Jack-line. Another time my Master had reserved in his Garden some choice Aprecocks, not above an half-score; which he purposed for some friends that intended to visit him shortly: The daily sight of this delicate fruit, being forbidden, tempted me more strongly to attempt their Rape; but I made choice of an impropitious hour to accomplish my design in; for my Master looked out ofhis window and saw me gather them, though he knew not abso∣lutely whether it, was I or no. Whereupon; he in∣stantly summond us together; being met, I quickly understood his intention: therefore I conveyed the Aprecocks into the next boys Pocket; I had no soon∣er done it, but we were commanded to be searched; I was very forward to be the first, though I was most suspected, but none was found about me, so that I was acquitted. But to see with what amazement the poor boy gazed, when they were discovered about him, how strangly he looked, distorting his face into several forms, produc'd laughter even from my in∣cens'd Master, but real pitty from me; for he was se∣verely whipped for that Crime I my self committed. I could recite many more such like childish Rogue∣ries, did I not fear I should be tedious in their rela∣tion, and burden the Reader with juvenile follies; Page  33 therefore I shall return where I left off. Whilst my Mo∣ther was in a serious consultation with her Reason, how she should dispose of me. I had not patience to wait the result, but gave her the slip, resolving to run the risk of Fortune, and try whither mine own endeavours would supply my necessiries.