Presvyteros diplēs timēs axios, or, The true dignity of St. Paul's elder exemplified in the life of ... Mr. Owen Stockton ... with a collection of his observations, experiences and evidences recorded by his own hand : to which is added his funeral sermon / by John Fairfax ...

Feb. 19. Being Sabbath day. Having formerly perceived a desperate hardness in my heart, that that Word, which works up∣on others, should do me no good, that no means, no mercies did melt my Soul, and almost despairing of ever having it softened. After Prayer I was encouraged from the Lord in reading Mr. Hooker upon Act. 2. 37. who from those words, When they heard these things they (who had Crucified our Lord Christ) were pricked at the heart, raiseth this observation, It is possible even for the most stubborn sinner to get a broken heart. And now O my Soul, Why art thou cast down? Is not the Lord greater than thy heart? Can Satan be more malicious to destroy thee than the Lord is mer∣ciful

to save thee? Yet the actings of my Faith hereupon are but faint.

Upon Examination of my self, I have some∣times found that to mine own sense and feeling, I have been altogether void of any love or fear of God, and that I have been at such a time as unable to work up my heart into the Love and fear of God, as to say to this Mountain, Be thou removed and cast into the Sea. Such wonderful deadness hath seised upon my Soul, so greatly have I been enslaved, and held captive by Satan that I have not been able truly to desire the Spirit of God. O that my heart could bleed at the remembrance of this great evil, that I should not only be cut off from Communion with God, but be contented with this condition, that I should have no groanings in Spirit to be delivered from this miserable bondage. Be instructed hence O my Soul to ascribe every good motion to God, if thou feelest any hungrings after Jesus Christ, or any sorrow for want of Gods presence or the like, own it as his work, and bless him for it.

I have sometimes found my condition much like the man mentioned Joh. 5. who lay a long time by the pool of Bethesda, but was not able to put himself in, that he might be healed, even so it is with my Soul. Though God hath opened a Fountain for sin and for uncleanness to wash in, and I find my Soul exceedingly polluted, yet I am not able to step into this Fountain that I may be healed.

O my Soul, the Lord seeth thy weakness, and that thou hast been now a long time in this case, wait thou on God. Who can tell but that as the Bowels of Jesus Christ did yearn towards the poor man, so may his Compassions be great towards thee, and he may heal thee also. Cease not to importune him saying, Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, O Lord, heal my Soul.

Having at several times found diverse workings upon my heart as Convictions, and thereupon some pantings and breathings after God, but as yet nothing come to perfection, I thought of and found that I had cause to take up the complaint of Hezekiah in another case, It is a day of trouble and rebuke, the Chil∣dren are come to the Birth, and there is no strength to bring forth. Isa. 37. 3. Some time after reading Isa. 66. it seemed to me that that word v. 9. was suited to my Case. Shall I bring to the Birth, and not cause to bring forth, saith the Lord? Shall I cause to bring forth and shut the Womb, saith thy God? O my Soul wait thou on God, who will perfect his own work in thee. He hath said, He will not break the bruised Reed, nor quench the smok∣ing Flax, till he sent forth judgment unto Victory.

I have oftimes seen a Law in my Members warring against the Law of my mind, and leading me into Captivity to the Law of sin and death.

So powerful and mighty have been the

Actings of some inward corruptions, that I have not been able to overcome them, but have been hurried Captive by them. Hereby I come to see that truth, the heart of man is desperately wicked, who can know it? I can∣not fathom the depth of iniquity which is in my heart. Hereupon I am made to cry out with St. Paul, O wretched man that I am, who shall deliver me from this body of Death? O Lord be not thou far from me, but make hast to help me, Let the sighing of the Prisoner come before thee, proclaim liberty to thy Captive, and the opening of the Prison door to him that is bound with the Chain of sin. Isa. 61. 1.

Mar. 26. 1654. I find that though in my judgment and Profession I acknowledge Christ to be my Righteousness and Peace, yet upon Examination I observe that my heart hath done quite another thing, and that secretly I have gone about to Establish my own Righteous∣ness; and have derived my Comfort and Peace from my own Actings. For when I have been disquieted by the Actings of my sin, that which hath recovered me to my former Peace, hath not been (that I could find) God speaking Peace through the blood of Christ, but ra∣ther from the intermission of temptation and the cessation of those sins; when I have been troubled at an evil frame of heart, I do not find that the Righteousness of Christ hath been my Consolation, but that which hath relieved me, as far as I can find, was that

afterward I found my self in a better temper. Having been in trouble and perplexity I have read the Scripture, gone to Prayer, and in doing these I have been relieved, yet I do not find that at such times I had real, true, living Communion with God in such duties, or that the Spirit of God did in those duties reveal to me my interest in Christ, and so quiet my Conscience. Hence I come to see what great need I have, and that it is of singular use to watch over my Soul in all its ways, both in reference to sin, that I fall not into it, and when fallen, what the Carriage and Actings of my Soul are at such a time; Whether I flee for relief to God in Christ, or to my own works: And in reference to my duties, to take heed lest those means which God hath appointed to be the conveyances of himself, his Son and Spirit, and all Spiritual blessings, should prove to me a mean of Death and Se∣paration from God, by my formal use of them and resting in them. For as Satan keeps some alienated from God by the gross pollutions of the world; So others from Christ by their Establishing a Righteousness of their own. O Lord, break thou this snare for me, and let my Soul escape as a bird from the Net, that I may flee to thee, and be at rest.

I have observed in my self, that when God at any time is pleased to work any thing in my Soul, I soon lose it; if he quicken me, I soon grow dead hearted again; if he enliven my

affections, they soon grow cold and flat, and my old hardness returns upon me. Hence I come to see that it is infinite Wisdom, and Goodness in God, that he hath not put the stock of grace into our own hands, but hath treasured it up in Christ, that our life is now hid with Christ in God, for so it becomes sure. Rom. 4. 16. hereby also I come to see that I have need of continual recourse to Jesus Christ, for new supplies of grace and strength.

The Lord God in his wisdom, was pleased when he delivered his people out of Egypt, before he brought them to Canaan, to lead them 40 years in the wilderness, when as he could have led them a nearer way to Canaan, Exod. 13. 17. He chose rather to lead them through the great and terrible Wilderness, Jer. 2. 6. where were fiery Serpents and Scor∣pions, and drought, where there was no wa∣ter, where he brought them forth water out of the Rock of Flint, and fed them with Manna, for this end that he might humble them, prove them, and do them good in the latter end, Deut. 8. 15, 16. Doest thou find it so, O my Soul, in thy travail towards the Heavenly Canaan: Doest thou walk through much Spiritual drought, a land of deserts, and of the shadow of death: Dost meet with a flinty heart, and fiery temptations? Know that the Lord doth this to humble thee. (which through his grace thou hast sometimes found,) and to prove thee, i. e, to discover thee to

thy self (for he himself knows thy thoughts afar off) and this way of God through grace hath been a means of discovering much of thy corrupt heart to thee) and that he may doe thee good in the latter end. Therefore take heed O my Soul of Israel's sins, of mur∣muring against God, under thy wants, of unbeleif, and tempting God, &c. Read oft and weight well the 78th Psalm.